Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Betty-Holding you close in my heart as you remember the day he went away and look forward to the day you are together again. This weekend will be hard I'm sure, and my plan is to grit my teeth and make it through. Not too joyous sounding but I'm doing all I can and I know you are too. Hugs to you

STEPHEN-you are loved and missed dear one.

[lolynbo]

STEPHEN STEPHEN STEPHAN.....HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSS THINKING OF YAL TODAY AND EVERY DAY..

[shorty16]

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear

A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother, as these days for her are hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine

Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know

Though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,

Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.

She thinks of ways to honor me, sometimes far into the night

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells

She still buys me gifts, and writes to me as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best

I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Originally posted by Brian’s Dad (Greg) on Beyond Indigo

I thought it worth posting again

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone....sorry i haven't been online lately to post....having a difficult time with M/D this year. missing one of my baby chicks terribly this year and don't quite know how to handle a mother's day celebration at my daughter's house without nathan. it is sad and painful to try to get through this holiday with a child missing, as you all well know. i don't know how to handle it...i don't know what to say and what not to say....i can't imagine how this is going to go for me. it is just so heartbreaking. i have been a mess lately.

i am sorry i have missed angle dates the last few days.....i am thinking of all of you and you missing your babies as well. i am so sorry we have to miss our children so painfully. there is no easy way to do this. no easy way to get through this kind of pain. taking one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time...putting one foot in front of the other, and still, i feel like i get no where fast.

i want to feel better, i try to put on that fake face/smile when expected, but when i am alone, i have to let go and let the tears flow, let the grief start over again. the weeks drag on and still i miss my son. still don't have the answers i need, i want, i crave. i beg for nathan to revisit me, and i know someday he will do that again, but i need it now, not later.

i have started to have nightmares every night now. there is no rest for the weary. i am tired, sad, heartbroken, weary, depressed, and any other adjective you throw in the mix. i just want to throw in the towel and stay in my bed, my house forever. i don't even want to try anymore. it is all too overwhelming for me. i have no fight left in me. no one else understands this. my counselor understands, but says it is not an option...i have to keep trying....i keep trying, but i feel like i am stifled in the same pattern.

what's next? what's left for me? i don't know and quite frankly, i don't care. here i am, sobbing and sitting....caring little about little. this is the new me.

i miss my son, i have no answers to anything, i am weak and i don't feel like a mother anymore. so what do i do now?

sorry for the negativity here.......diane

[daveydow1]

STEPHEN......STEPHEN....STEPHEN.....MAY YOUR BRIGHT SMILE SHINE DOWN ON YOUR MOM TODAY, AND WARM

MEMORIES SOOTHE HER ACHING HEART. PRAYERS FOR YOU, BETTY, MY FRIEND.

Pam, Trudi, Carol, Amy, and Nick'sdad------Thank you so very much for the birthday wishes and lovely cards for Lisa's birthday.

No one in my family remembered......not one, but it HAS been so many years. My friends here at BI are the best people. Thanks again.

Nicksdad-----I have to agree with you on the many books written by preachers about th miracles. I'm happy for them that the miracle was

to have saved their loved one. However, I do think that their writings do take on a rather sing-song tone after awhile. It's not that we're

not happy for them, it's just that they seem to ignore the fact that OTHER people's children/ loved ones are not given this 'miracle' .......

that for others, there's no happy ending. Also......there seems to be so MANY books written on the subject of miracles that one has to

wonder if there isn't a monetary motive behind it also. I don't like to sound harsh.....and there are, in fact, a lot of good books out there

on the subject, but I just have not found many. I just usually stick to fiction.

Lorri----The card with the baby angel is lovely----thank you so much, friend.

Marcia----Good to see Bethany's sweet smile. Thanks for the wishes for Lisa.

Lori----mom2angels-----I, too, have bought books that I did not like, and ended up not even finishing them. Finally got to the point of

getting them at libraries, so that if I didn't like them, I was not out anything. Peace to you.

Susannah----Thanks for the Mr. Hallmark poem. I had seen it several years ago......thanks for posing it. So very sorry to hear of the little

boy angel who was killed by his 19-yr. old drugged-up dad. Couldn't help agreeing with you that maybe the miracle for that little angel was

that he was taken on to heaven, and not brought back to earth to be abused again, possibly, by that dad....(sometimes the courts are lenient

in giving the children back to abusive people......I know you know this from experience, and am so glad that your dear little grandies are with

you & your husband where they are safe and loved.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Anybody here know why it is not possible for me to use 'color' below a certain point in my posts ??

Very annoying !....I love to use color.

sherry

[daveydow1]

Rose-Breasted Grosbeak at our feeders. Sorry.........(No luck posting it, as usual ...will try again)

[daveydow1]

Trying again..........Rose-Breasted Grosbeak at feeders.

[daveydow1]

Trying again..........Rose-Breasted Grosbeak at feeders.

[mysonrich]

Sherry, after you click "browse", (if that is what you are doing) are you also clicking the blue area " Attach This File"?

[Guest msnher]

Sherry - Colleen posted the "Mr Hallmark" poem. I agree, it is perfect.

Diane - You are only four months into this new life. And, it would seem you are right on schedule. Even coming here and posting is huge! Hugs to you.

[ericasmom]

Hey All, just sending a photo of a tree with reflection. I was at the slough last weekend. I love reflection pieces, they remind me of how we are, we reflect our true souls.

[ericasmom]

ooops, here it is.

[ericasmom]

Let's see if this one works too, if so, it is the magnolia tree a few days ago, this is in front of our home.

[ericasmom]

sherry, after I load my photos, I send them to myself, then open them and right click and resize to smallest size and then hit send to: desktop. From there I load it on from BI having it search desktop and attaching.

Betsy, where is that gorgeous photo from?

[ericasmom]

blue- bells in my front yard.

[mikesmomrs]

Sherry: After you have clicked on "Click to attach files" in the blue, once the picture comes up on the screen at the bottom of the post, then you have to go over to the right side and click on the "add to post" to add the picture....but, first you have to make sure your cursor is at the end of your written post. I have made this mistake a few times. Good luck...can't wait to see the birds.

Hello to all...I hope you havea good Friday evening, and a good weekend....CAthi and I are taking Jamie and Kam to the game tomorrow...it is supposed to rain off and on, but we will be under cover, though if the rain is hard enough, they will delay the game. HOpe not. The other night they delayed, for 2 1/2 hours, and the game ended at 2:45 AM, with a LOSS! Devastating. Especially for those who stayed at the game, in the freezing cold, soaking wet, rain. They didn't seem to mind, t hough. I know that if Cathi and I had been at the game, we would have stayed. Gotta believe!

Dee: LOVED the pics and your house looks grand! Thakns for sharing.

Colleen: thanks for posting the poem again...I remember the first time I read it...I thought I would NEVER stop crying. Tears still come, but I can get through it, and it is beautiful. Thankns.

For those of you having a "first" this mother's day (even the husband's of those who are), I send strength, love, prayers and hope. Hope has to be there, it has a place in your hearts...it is hard to find at this early stage, but it is always there, no matter how much you can't feel it...you eventually will...your angels will see to it.

sending love,

Carol

[ericasmom]

Carol, all around town and in our yard too, there are bleedinghearts blooming. So pretty, little hearts dangling in perfect symmetry. I will try to take a photo of them tomorrow.

Hearts from your Boy.

Sleep well everyone, my eyes are so heavy right now. It certainly has been a busy week, busy here at BI too. We are all facing holidays and birthdays and loss days around each bend, please know that in those days when it feels that sound bounces off your insides, hollowed out, we are all here. Gathered to help you through each tough time the way others did for us. We are a circle here, getting larger as we go, lending our stories and our strength and our tears and our shattered selves to each other to find in me, in you, in each other, the pieces of this new life and the help in finding how to use them.

[charsng1234]

Hi all I made it through another week! I am going to see Allison Dubois this sunday excited and scared. I went to a birthday dinner last night made it till about 11 than cried all the way home. People at work were telling me today Happy mothers day! I am thinking what is so happy about it? Well My son shane his girlfriend is due july 22nd were having the baby shower on june the 5th so far 87 ppl reserved I hope it turns out nice for her. I bought a lot of packer stuff and a lot of clothes that will be from shane. How has everyone else doing? Well I am heading to bed I Have to be asleep befors 1;20 am thats when he passed. Night all.

sharon/shane's mom

[mikesmum]

Diane - Sounds like you have found some inner strength. Glad you made it through. Hope the baby shower goes well, the attendance number sound promising. Allison Dubois wow. I went to Lisa Edwards. Went with Melissa and Steven, held my breath the entire night.

Dee - Love the pics. Beautiful garden. Handprints on the fence? Story?

We are having Mal's boys in tonight. The eldest's girlfriend's birthday. Cooking a roast and decorating Chocolate Mud cake. Its like a remote control version of me. Baste this ice this, peel those, etc etc. Surreal. The real me is 'hiding out'. Under covers, dark room....mainly because its where I feel comfortable.

Marcia posted this on FB. I try with all heart to hold onto these thoughts, though somedays I wonder if he is right there, in front of my nose, me unable to see or hear him, him smiling that smile in a knowing 'its okay' way.

Thinking of you all for tomorrow.....

Mother, please don't mourn for me;

I'm still here, though you don't see.

I'm right by your side each night and day

and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I'm always near

I'm everything you feel, see or hear.

My spirit is free, but I'll never depart

as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I'll never wander out of your sight--

I'm the brightest star on a summer night.

I'll never be beyond your reach--

I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.

I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,

And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.

I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond--

The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;

The first warm raindrop that April will bring.

I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,

And you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there's no one to love you,

You can talk to me through the Lord above you.

I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,

And you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep

And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.

I'm the smile you see on baby's face.

Just look for me, Mommy,

I'm everyplace !

~author unknown

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi...I hope you get through the gathering...as you said, under the covers in a dark room is where you'd rather be, but you know that Micheal would rather be out, enjoying the crowd...sending strength for you to be there, too. I am walking with you, on that beautiful walkway you sent the pic of...I printed it out, framed it, and have it hanging right by my chair---imagining us walking along, heading for the cafe, with Sir MD tagging along. Thanks for the poem...tears fall, but not gut-wrenching pain like it was the first time I read it...I guess "progress" has been made, though sometimes I feel as if I am at square one.

Dee, funny you should mention the bleeding hearts...I was walking out my front door today, and happened to look over to the side...can't see it from the door without actually making the effort, but the bleeding hearts I planted last year and totally forgot, were in full bloom, as you said, "little hearts dangling in perfect symmetry." I have always wanted some in our yard, but this is the first I've planted, and can't believe they've come up so beautifully the first year! I will take pics tomorrow too. I too would like to know the story of the handprints on the fence?? I loved the magnolia tree...Kim had one in her yard, in Virginia, very old and very beautiful, but it got struck by lightening and eventually fell apart. I also loved the "reflection" picture. I find those intriguing as well. Thanks for sharing.

Sharon: going to see Alison Dubois, how wonderful...I hope she is able to bring some comfort to you...I have read her books and watched the TV show based on her gift...she is truly gifted. I have been (with hubby) to see John Holland, and he was outstanding. He said that Mike was telling him to tell me to "let go of the hat," that "he has the hat," not to worry about it anymore. (At Mike's services, Sarah had his favorite baseball hat in with him, with all of the pins that he had collected at the baseball games that he and I had attended, and she let the hat and pins go with him. I had truly wanted to keep the hat, but it would have been cruel at the time for me to mention it, so I didn't. However, my heart held onto the loss of it for a long time. John Holland, of course, had no way of "knowing" about that hat, so I truly believe that he somehow connected with Mike at that time. There were a few other very significant things he mentioned, and it truly took our breath away. He even mentioned a "little shed, or shack" which is what Mike used to jokingly call his best friend's little house, because it wasn't much bigger than a large shed...they used to joke about it all the time. I hope you have a good visit, Sharon. Please share it with us, if you feel up to it. It is so nice that you are in touch with Shane's girlfriend...nice that you are there for her.

love to all my indigo family...

[mysonrich]

Good morning, Great pictures Dee. A fun idea for the blue bells, very pretty around the tree. Did you get your feet wet when taking the reflecting tree?

The photo I took is another from the Philadelphia Flower Show,an individual entry as opposed to a Landscaping company/florist/nursery.Sharon, sounds like a great crowd for the baby shower. A much loved baby.

A co-worked came up to me at the end of day yesterday. Her son was murdered 5 years ago. She gave me a big hug. I was taken aback for a moment and realized/heard what she was saying. A mothers day with a missing child. Missed child. ( I'm thinking of the little boy that told me his big brother was missing. died), they are missing/missed.Nicksdad, I have read a couple of good books and it took me about a year after Rich died to do even that. One that I started to read was so off the wall I tossed in on the bookcase ,not even finishing the first chapter.

Colleen, thanks for sharing the poem.Rhonda, I didn't pass out when Sarah drove down the drive in Richie’s car. It looks great,she is happy. She still doesn't say much when I talk about Rich. I try not to worry and was thinking that driving his car would help her in some way. I have to keep in mind though that this is HER excitement,her day and not the fact that it was her brothers car. As far as the anger goes,mine was eating me alive for a long time. I still get to that point,like a large thunder cloud moving in. Thoughts are very dark and I feel a weight,almost physical weight,upon my shoulders. Inside my own head at those times,seeing nothing else. it would be a very conscious effort to detour the anger, moods,thoughts but sometimes it just sneaks up on me.

I was up early. Did some cleaning. There a house content auction in a town near-by. It started yesterday so I hoping there is some good stuff left. Probably too much for my pocketbook. I told a friend that I believe there was great old stuff in the house due to the fact that there are still venetian(sp) blinds on the windows.

My aunt has crying a lot. Tax stuff she doesn't understand I think. Her middle son was here yesterday and she just bust into tears so I'm thinking its more then property tax rebate stuff. My aunt never drove a car,always drivinedby her husband. Now, she is at the mercy of others,her children not having much time. (cough,cough)

O, out for some fresh air. I'll see you all later.

[briansdad]

From my trip to the lake.

[heartbeataway]

Are any of you planning to attend the Bereaved Parents Conference in July? It sure would be nice to get together again or meet for the first time in person!

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/Gatheringpp.html

[andy88]

Yes, I am strongly considering it!

With love,

Pam

Are any of you planning to attend the Bereaved Parents Conference in July? It sure would be nice to get together again or meet for the first time in person!

http://www.bereavedp...atheringpp.html

[ericasmom]

Sharon, good that you are getting to a party adn making it till 11:00. Super. Have a wonderful time seeing Alison DuBouise (sp) What an opportunity.

The handprints Trudi and Carol, are not on a fence, that is the bench that three young girls painted after my friend andcoworker Matt put it together from his old fence that blew down. The three girls were from my 2002/03 class and the last ones that met ERi. I will find photos of the front which have ERICA REITH painted on it with two hands reaching across the pickets to hold. So sweet. They gave it to me the year following Eri's leaving.

Betsy, cool show you went to. I like the art from individual entries. My neighbor sculpts and has put some amazing pieces in his garden.

Peace and thanks for the poems. Tears of missing and tears of joy that cannot be taken from the missing. Of that, I am grateful.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everyone. My little guy Jackson has been keeping me busy the past two days. My wife has strep throat so I was off work yesterday and spent the day with Jackson. It was nice to hang out with my little guy all day. Very bitter sweet because that is how Brendan and I used to hang out. This morning Jackson actually came into my bed to snuggle with me. Brendan would do that every morning. It was nice to have Jack jump in bed with me, but all I could think about was Brendan and the way he ran into my room every morning to snuggle with me. My heart is just broken into pieces and I don't know how to put them back together. Yesterday my neighbor was outside cutting his lawn. I could feel my blood pressure rise as he mowed the spot where Brendan was killed. I wanted to run over there and throw him off his tractor. I know now without any doubt that we need to move from this house. We just can't live here anymore.

I am not sure what is up with these meds I am on, but I have no appetite. I am now down to 157 lbs, which is not good considering I am just over 6 feet tall and used to way around 185. I am a shell of my old self. I wonder if I am hoping that my body just gives out eventually. I just want to be with Brendan. I need to be with him and hold him again. I just can't believe he is gone.

I also read the book Heaven is for Real. I was also angry when he spoke of all the prayers leading to his miracle. I was angry that we did not get the same miracle. I hope and pray that they are telling the truth with this book, but I can see how many are skeptical.

I am not sure how we are going to spend Mother's Day tomorrow. I am dreading tomorrow. I should be taking both boys shopping this morning for a mothers day gift, but instead I am on couch thinking about my Brendan. I really hate this new life. I want my boy back.

I will be thinking about all of you on Mother's Day.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[shorty16]

Tony,

The shock is wore off and reality sucks. Even though you do not feel like it, it is important that you take care of yourself. I am suprised I am writing this, because the day Brian died, I started smoking and have not turned back. I would think to myself "Every puff I take gets me closer to seeing Brian." I know that is crazy, but that was (and sometimes is) how I feel.

Having said that, Jackson is among the living and really needs his Daddy. I know it is not the same - believe me I know. We also have a son younger than Brian - Aaron. He is completely different than Brian. Brian was so outgoing and had many friends. Aaron is the opposite.

Tony, try to just one good memory tomorrow for you living family. Just one. It could be as simple as flying a kite, telling a joke and seeing Jackson's face light up. It can be a hug with your wife that seems to go on forever.

All of you - try to make just one good memory for tomorrow. I know it is hard - but we can do just one.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[heartbeataway]

Good news Pam! I look forward to meeting you .......

Yes, I am strongly considering it!

With love,

Pam

[heartbeataway]

Colleen,

Nice response sweet lady! You have grown so wise in your grieving and you're using that wisdom to reach out and help others. Blessings will come to you my friend! I will try to make a "happy sad" memory for tomorrow ...... Thank you!

I was listening to a program a few years ago ..... before our loss even and there was a mother who was grieving the loss of a child. She just couldn't muster the strength to mother her remaining child. She was afraid to love her remaining child because she thought it somehow dishonored the child she lost. She didn't want to appear happy because then folks would think she didn't love the lost child as much, etc ..... She had a lot of turmoil going on inside her spirit. The remaining child was acting out and becoming distance.

The advice she was given stayed with me for some reason. He told her to stop punishing the remaining child for living. It wasn't his fault his brother died. But, her actions were making him think it was.

They needed to grieve together, they needed to heal together and they needed to go on, move forward in love and LIVE together ....... they were still a family and they needed to continue to be a family while honoring the memory of the "spirit child" that was still an integral part of the family.

Having said that and not knowing your story, Brendan's Daddy, you need to take Jackson shopping. Brendan will be with you and yes, it will be sad. For Jackson's sake, try to make it a "happy sad." You will be making another cherished memory and adding another element to your healing process. I'm so sorry for your loss.

This is a quote I read this morning:

Whole Soul - Angela Segal Glazer, Ph.D. We all have internal wounds as a result of living – some healed, some still in the process of being healed. The path to healing advances us from HOLE-ness to WHOLE-ness. It is an evolutionary journey requiring of us that, as we delve into the innermost recesses of our souls, we come to know our most profound truths and that we then use this knowledge to create possibilities for release, transformation, and healing.

Tony,

The shock is wore off and reality sucks. Even though you do not feel like it, it is important that you take care of yourself. I am suprised I am writing this, because the day Brian died, I started smoking and have not turned back. I would think to myself "Every puff I take gets me closer to seeing Brian." I know that is crazy, but that was (and sometimes is) how I feel.

Having said that, Jackson is among the living and really needs his Daddy. I know it is not the same - believe me I know. We also have a son younger than Brian - Aaron. He is completely different than Brian. Brian was so outgoing and had many friends. Aaron is the opposite.

Tony, try to just one good memory tomorrow for you living family. Just one. It could be as simple as flying a kite, telling a joke and seeing Jackson's face light up. It can be a hug with your wife that seems to go on forever.

All of you - try to make just one good memory for tomorrow. I know it is hard - but we can do just one.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mysonrich]

Bonnie, you're so smart ! It's good to see Jason's bright smile.

Greg, that is a beautiful spot.

Dee, hope to see your photo soon.

The church that my sister and bil were married in many years ago. I went to a rummage sale there this morning. Found a pair of cute,little lamps

Barn in the boro when barns were used in the boro. This is my hometown area.

A house with a view standing in back of me.

I first saw this along the roadway early last week. I'm still not sure what to make of it. Water dish,food dish,chair,umbrella. hmm

Alice's mom, Alice and I have been friends since Jr High. Stopped in to see her. She is 90 something,she wouldn;t tell me.

Now that I have bored you all to tears, Aunties front yard. Notice the violets at the bottom also seen in Sherry's quilt and the bleeding hearts,white in this area.Pink in another not shown. We are working on this area today.

[mysonrich]

[shorty16]

The BP meeting is July is in Virginia, right?

I would also like to go. I want to bring my husband, Scott, but he has a hard time going to these things. Instead of finding strength being with other bereaved parents, he sees the sadness of it all.

I would also like to tell others on this site that meeting with other bereaved parents is a magical, spiritual experience. It made me feel not so alone in the journey.

Well worth it if you can make it.

Love to my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and ever and ever. We will ALWAYS be their mothers.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie and Col, such wonderful healing words from two that really know this side of loss. Thank you both for the words at just the right moment for those on this road. Bonnie, the thought of seeing you and some of the others is indeed a pull, don't know if money will be available for a trip, or the plans of family that may be visiting us at that time, we shall see and I will keep you posted. I love the quote about hole-ness and wholeness, a great example of how we move from one to th eother. And we do with respect always and memory always to the person who left early. Always. Colleen and Bonnie, your words about taking Jackson into this day are wonderfully guiding and filled with love. Tony, I hope that you can include Jackson in the grieving process as well as the daily steps to finding the new light you will find. Your realizing the move is necessary is really a gift. Now you do not feel as torn with leaving as you did before you felt so sure. I know it does not feel like a gift, but some gifts have thorns before their true gold is felt.

[sadmomm]

Hey Indigos this site was down for a while got back on. Reading is good. We re not alone... But we are each problem is different.

Colleen: I started smoking when my son died too and i also think the same way putsme closer to being with him. it makes me feel ill... but i still do it.

wish i could call some of you guys..

Tony I am so sorry.. My beautiful son was almost 24 there was no reason for his accident other than poor judgement or just plain accident... I hate it. He also passed at his home. I wanted to go back there i moved from him.. So don't know if moving will help. His dad is there. And his brother.... Moving can cause a lot of pain. home is always comforting. just think about it a lot. I am sorry it is right in front of you. but I have news for you. I am 11 hours away and it is right in front of me also. i wasn't there. wish i was... I hope you are going to be ok. just make memoried with your other babies. as i will try. i don't know hardly how to function. i wish i had been there for him perhaps this wouldn't have happened. you were right there. and that makes you mad. it always will. i just hope we don't loose another child. nothing will take the place of my baby boy nothing. but i hope he is the guardian angle for the others. so sorry... feel bad just like you do carrie

Dee there are a lot of dangerous train tracks there is one in this town I think it almost got us before we realized... riding a motorcycle came to it it was on a rise a small hill.. one train passed we almost took across it and another came the other direction. My daughter is getting ready to drive. I am so afraid. And why aren't all tracks marked. We never noticed the sign two tracks until sitting at the one with the guard one day and there it was. I am curious if it is marked at the one that almost got us. I am so sorry for your baby and sorry to say this to you. i don't want anyone else to die. Morgans tragedy was so horrendous. i miss him so much.. I don't want to be here. talking to you. But you know I need to talk. I need to talk to him. carrie

[lolynbo]

WELL FOR SOME REASON WERE CAMPING WITH PROM AND MOTHERSDAY NOT THE BEST OF WEEKENDS...POSTING A PIC OF KODY AND BROOKE LAST NIGHT MANY MORE BUT DONT WANNA BORE YAL..

[daveydow1]

Hope this comes through........it's the grosbeak at the feeder. Thanks to everyone for the help.

[daveydow1]

Dee----Thanks for the great pics. Bluebells are lovely and so is the magnolia (?) tree, and reflections.

I'm still working on posting a pic......this one is obviously too big and no good . (I might have known

that something would go wrong........GRrrrrrrr.

Betsy-----thank you for the tip....at least it posted, but not in the right size. My conputer format got all screwed up

with stuff all out of place, and nothing responding. I did a 'System Restore', and it helped some things. Also,

this sattelite messes things up from time to time. Very unsatisfactory signal a lot of the time,......and S-L-O-W.

Colleen---Thanks for the Mr. Hallmark poem........(thanks for the reminder, Sus.)

Betsy-----I, so , know what you mean about the anger sneaking up at times. Just another unavoidable part

of this lousy road we''re on, I guess. I get angry,.......then feel guilty for getting angry. Don't know what the

answer is.

Trudi---Thanks for the poem for Mother's Day. Very nice.

I love all the pics everyone shares......(I'll keep working on posting some ).

Carol & Dee-----Thanks for the tips of posting pics.....I'll keep trying.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

I am so very touched by your outpouring of support and kindness. Your taking the time to honor Stephen's 4 th Angel Day enriched my spirit.

Four years without hearing his voice and seeing his smile, seems like a lifetime but with your support and kind words I have made it. Each and every comment touched my heat and soul. Betsy for you to remember that he loved Bruce and post the words to such a touching song, I am so grateful and Dan to present his beautiful smiling face surrounded by his race car Little Victories warmed my heart.

It is a privilege to know each of you and to be an INDIGO

OH Sherry Loved the pictures of the beautiful bird . Lori of the prom couple, Betsy, the back yard flowers, your friend and the trip down memory lane Dee your lovely garden

Thank You all for being here and "Lighting up my Life" This is a hard week

[daveydow1]

male & female grosbeaks at feeder.

[daveydow1]

YAY !!!! I have done resizing (compression ) of the pics that are so BIG, so I guess it

works for now. I might just get onto this stuff yet.

Betty-----Yep---this is a hard time...Mother's Day,...as is Father's Day for all the dads. I know what you mean

about the 4 yrs. gone by, and not being able to see dear Stephen, or hear his voice. The time sometimes

seems to go by quickly, and yet seems like a hundred years. We just miss them so much.....I guess it

sometimes distorts our thinking somewhat. No wonder.........there's just no way to overstate the sorrow

and missing our dear kids, is there? Peace to you, friend.

My problems with using the colors to highlight words/names in replies seems to have worked itself out

since I did 'System Restore' on my computer.......it was really messed up for some reason.

PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, hooray, your photos came out and the smaller one is more clear. What beautiful gifts those birds are and how glad I am that you can share them with us. Thanks so much.

Today at Jonathan's home I saw a bright red fly into one of the many oaks on the property. There it was a scarlet tananger and then two. I am going to go online and see if their nests are v-shaped, because they were near a nice nest and I would love to know taht they are finding refuge on Jon's lawn just across the street from the forest preserve.

John husband adn I are heading out very soon to see Mr. Neil Young in concert downtown...keep on searching for a heart of gold...Oh how my eyes will tear and cry when I first hear him strum his guitar. For all the events he has sung me through and still. Thanks for the great music Neil.

I will write to you all later, wishing you all peaceful moments.

[lolynbo]

THE POKER RUN FOR KOURTNEYS KLOSET WENT GREAT.....WERE A PATCH NOW ON SERVAL MEMBERS JACKETS...

[lolynbo]

PATCH GEEZ

[mysonrich]

wow Sherry, interesting color combo . I don't think we have those around here. I do see many red-winged black birds this year.

Lorri. the prom picture is lovely. A handsome boy you have there. The dress is very pretty too. and the girls that wears it. I like your pictures.

Dee, sounds like a great time

watching the Kentucky Derby. Betty, I love the hats the men and women wear. part of the fun.

MAry Ann, Tanners mom, Adams Mom, Kaylas Mom, Bethanys Mom, thinking of you all today.

[Guest msnher]

Tony - What are the side effects you are feeling with Lexapro? Is your doctor worried about your weight loss?

Love all the pictures. I had never heard of a grosbeak (?) before. Quite beautiful.

I wonder what the chair, umbrella and feeding dishes mean. There is a mystery waiting to be told. Many short stories could be written surrounding that very picture.

[bus1851]

went shopping today for mother's day gift. could not find anything appropriate for a mom who just lost her 5 month old baby. settled on a card from me and one from the kids. contacted buyers who were waiting and told them we would sell, we will meet with realtor next week to finalize. we will move in with her mom and dad til new house is finished. this might help with loneliness. I went by my work for fist time since the accident, everyone was glad to see me and I them. It helped to break the ice before I go back to work next week, I was feeling nervous but left with a better attitude. everything feels like a foggy dream and sometimes like I am looking at myself from outside my body. I took down pictures of Marley on my work locker, I am not ready for those emotions in the workplace yet. Every move I make forward feels like I am leaving pieces of myself and Marley behind and it breaks my heart. I want to stay to remember but I know I have to go forward to live. It all is so unfair. I was supposed to see her grow up, walk, talk, go to school get older and become my little lady. It just is not fair. I miss her so much, more and more each day. Daddy loves you Marley. I don't know what to do. I need you back with me.

[heartbeataway]

Colleen,

Go to the BP website ....... all the info is there. Rich is coming with me. It will be good to see you again and meet Scott. I'm excited about the folks that are going to be there!

The BP meeting is July is in Virginia, right?

I would also like to go. I want to bring my husband, Scott, but he has a hard time going to these things. Instead of finding strength being with other bereaved parents, he sees the sadness of it all.

I would also like to tell others on this site that meeting with other bereaved parents is a magical, spiritual experience. It made me feel not so alone in the journey.

Well worth it if you can make it.

Love to my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and ever and ever. We will ALWAYS be their mothers.

[heartbeataway]

Dee ...... my cup would totally run over if you guys could come! You don't fly right??

Bonnie and Col, such wonderful healing words from two that really know this side of loss. Thank you both for the words at just the right moment for those on this road. Bonnie, the thought of seeing you and some of the others is indeed a pull, don't know if money will be available for a trip, or the plans of family that may be visiting us at that time, we shall see and I will keep you posted. I love the quote about hole-ness and wholeness, a great example of how we move from one to th eother. And we do with respect always and memory always to the person who left early. Always. Colleen and Bonnie, your words about taking Jackson into this day are wonderfully guiding and filled with love. Tony, I hope that you can include Jackson in the grieving process as well as the daily steps to finding the new light you will find. Your realizing the move is necessary is really a gift. Now you do not feel as torn with leaving as you did before you felt so sure. I know it does not feel like a gift, but some gifts have thorns before their true gold is felt.

[Guest msnher]

What to get on Mother's Day for your spouse who has lost their child.

• A framed picture of her with her child, clouds in the background, "Always Together" written on the picture or the frame.
• A small picnic at the cemetary if her child is buried.
• A picture of her with all the family.

Don't leave the surviving children out because that will just make her feel more guilty.

She doesn't want flowers, but won't tell you that. She doesn't want chocolate, but won't tell you that, either. Mostly she wants to crawl in a hole and never, ever come out. But, she won't tell you that, either. She will try to be strong for your sake...for the family's sake. But, she will be dying inside. With each smile and thank you she whispers the razor that now is a part of her anatomy will slice. She will mean "I love you". She will mean "thank you". She will be sincere when she says how grateful she is for you and her surviving children. Yes, she will mean it. But, she would trade it all in a heartbeat to go be with the one that was ripped from her.

The one she carried inside her womb. The one she held to her breast as her baby suckled. The one whose first smile she blatantly denied was gas. The baby who kept her up before it was even born because of heart burn. The baby who kicked her ribs so hard she bruised them.

She wouldn't want to stay gone. No, she would want to come back and take care of you and her other children. But, she would go, most definitely, if she could.

Make this Mother's Day about her. Listen to her. Let her tell you how it feels to be without the child you also mourn. Mother's Day will never again be about fancy restaurants, expensive gifts or breakfast in bed...although, I'm sure she would love breakfast in bed if only for the fact that would mean she doesn't have to get out of it.

Because I promise you, this Mother's Day is killing her.