Loss of an Adult Child

[dwsmithrn]

good morning, my new indigo friends...so many stories to hear, so much turmoil all over, and so many thoughts of all of you....can't wait to get to know all of you better...i'm sorry we have to know each other in this manner, though....i am glad i have you to lean on, because, i can tell you, i really need friends right now....i am not doing well....i want nathan BACK....i can't believe this has happened and i can't stop thinking, constantly...always on my mind.

today, i am supposed to 'venture' out of the house...i am already anxious about leaving home...my safe haven....i wonder can i do it...friday will be 5 weeks since we lost our nathan....i get so anxious about leaving the front door, much less getting in the car and driving somewhere all by myself...

i feel like, well, i don't know what i feel like...i can't explain it....can someone explain it to ME? i'm just so unsure of anything right now...i barely even get out of bed on some days....have not had to go backa to work yet, thank goodness, because i can't face people yet....

i am supposed to go get my hair cut today, but they same girl who has been doing it for years...she is nathan's age and knows him...she assured me i am the only one on the schedule at that time and she will close her door and put up a 'do not disturb' sign while i am there...and she won't talk about it while i am there, just do my hair and pamper me for my time there...i told her i would "try"...but no promises...she is kind and patient and said that would be fine, and if i need to leave, i could do just that...my husband, my daughter, my friend, my sisters, my mother, all say, yes, go and get pampered for a bit, it will make you feel better....WHAT? what can make you feel better about losing your son? WHAT? see what i mean? people who have not been there haven't a clue how you feel or hurt or grieve...that don't know a thing, so that is why i need my new indigo friends to help me get through, even the little things in life.....I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.....i can't.....please help me or i won't make it, i know i won't make it....some dayss i just want to be where nathan is, i can't help this feeling....and it hurts so much...it makes my whole body hurt....so please tell me, how do i do this...

thanks....diane

[arc4ever]

Betty, you were worried over, it is odd when one is so independent isn't it? We expect to come and go to our own beat, not others.

Leah, I am glad that you have your Grandboy, he is in a safe haven now. I know it is more work, but he needed his Grammy.

Dee, we do have a scholarship fund in Adam's memory. Last year Adam would have graduated class of 2010. We received donations at the time of his passing (I was lucky and was already a chairperson on a non-profit organization which raised money for his school) so in his obituary we asked for donations to a fund in Adam's memory. Then we started an annual motorcycle poker run we have done two so far this June 18th will be the 3rd Annual ARC Angel Run (Adam's name was Adam Roderick Carter - thus the ARC Angel). Anyway, last May we were honored to award the first scholarships totalling $10,000.00 to members of Adam's graduating class. We gave two scholarships for $1,250.00 each, one scholarship for $2,500.00 and one scholarship for $5,000.00. This May we will again be giving scholarships uncertain of the amount but we believe somewhere between 7,500-10,000. It is so rewarding to be able to help these kids and at least last year it was so emotional as we knew practically all of the kids in his graduating class of 120. So they were so kind to us. At Honors Night when scholarships are given out we were given a plaque - his classmates had voted Adam most school spirit. It was so touching. He was very involved and he loved his school.

Thank you all for your kind words about what happened at the accident with the police. I KNOW that not all police are bad. There are some wonderful, caring, compassionate police. But I must admit I get very skittish (?) around police now. Maybe one day that will stop.

Have a blessed day everyone. I'll try not to sit at my desk and cry all day today (which is what I have done every day this week) Hugs - T (Adam's mom)

[Guest msnher]

Diane - Stephanie had not been dead for a full three days and her step mother decided we all needed manicures to make us feel better and cheer us up. I kept my mouth shut until she informed a friend of hers, on the phone, in my house, that I, too, would be getting a manicure. I glared at her and quietly said, "It ain't happenin'!" She never brought it up again. This isn't something that a new dress, painted nails and nice hair will fix. In that same thought, however, another friend of mine who is a massage therapist, told me I was getting a massage the week after Steph's funeral. I laid on her table/bed and sobbed the whole time, but it was very nurturing. I think that's what it will be like with your hairdresser today for you. I'm so glad you've already planned in advance to be able to leave if you need to. I really can't offer much help on not being able to leave the house because I don't seem to be able to leave my bedroom for long periods of time. I'm looking forward to warmer weather because then I can sit outside. Weird, huh? PS - I know Steph's step mom meant well...she just needed a little education, that's all.

Five weeks is nothing! Don't expect too much of yourself right now. You have been through a horrible ordeal.....much like a plane crash. Your body, your mind, your soul need time (a lot of time) to heal. And, we never heal completely. We don't grow back that piece of our body that's missing. We will learn to function without it, but we will always know that it is gone. Truth be told, my big concern for you right now, Diane, is that you won't be able to let her finish the haircut and that would look weird.....so, I'll pray that you can at least sit through that much of it. Just don't do what I did....take your husbands clippers to your head. I had 1/2 inch hair all over. I really didn't care, but it didn't make me feel better. Then I was forced to go to a hair dresser to try to get it fixed.

I will be with you. It's okay to be pampered. It's their way of loving you. It might not make you feel better, but it will make them feel better....I say rolling my eyes. You know? If it were all of us together I wouldn't mind doing my nails....but, I might just end up throwing the fingernail polish remover across the room...of course, that wouldn't phase any of you.

Love and hugs to you Diane!!! Oh. If you can't get your hair done, don't.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Terri-The scholarship program sounds wonderful. Most school spirit, I'm sure that lifted your hearts. I would be nervous around policeman too after that. Peace to you and your husband.

Diane-Those first few weeks I think are different for everyone. I think that others are just trying to show their love when they say they want you to feel "better", but it still feels like a denial of your grief when they say that. What kind of mother feels "better" after her child dies? is the question that always comes to me when someone says that. It is a catch-22, if you feel "better" it makes you feel worse about yourself. I still struggle with that daily, and its been over a year now. But it doesn't feel as wrong to me as it did at first, and that is the best I can offer you in the form of encouragement to try to feel "better". Good luck at the hairdressers, and the rest of the day.

Leah-I'm so glad you got to go visit Jaboa when you picked up your grandson. Take care of yourself.

Dee-Thanks, he got out yesterday afternoon and called last night, but we didn't have anything to do with it. I told my friends yesterday that I don't have anybody to take care of anymore and I know I'm trying to take care of him the way I would have and did Westley. I know that and still I can't stop myself from being worried, its what I do. He is trying to take care of some things and see if he might be able to keep his job today. I hope it goes well for him.

Susannah-My prayer is longer "You let him die". That's pretty much it. I try to not think it, and I try to really pray, but I haven't had much luck. I thought I had faith, but I am not convinced now by my reaction to Westley's death. I have had no visits that helped me to get past blaming, so I'm kind of stuck here with these dirty hands.

Betty-I'm glad you were alright, I'm sure they were worried sick that something had happened to you. And I'm glad we're hearing more from you lately. NY seems so big to me for you to be on your own up there. I guess small town girls like me just can't imagine living in such a big place.

Have a good day all, storms here in TN and flash flood watches and such.

[sadmomm]

Hi INdigos

Still the same horrible feeling. Still I killed my son. First it was Morgan died. Now it has become I killed my son. Thgh I know I did not kill him. He made choices in his life and then a horrible mistake the day he died. We both took eachother for granted. I took my children for granted. I didn't know how to have fun with them. Morgan knew how to have fun. But we all let hiim down. When a person needs help they don't ask for it. Morgans Dad is a wonderful person but very lenient anything goes. Some people People with possible mental illness. Or fearless. Need guidance... We didn't give that to him. I was screwed up in KY with a bad marriage and terrible unhappiness. Of my own causing by giving someone else control of my life... That is the same... I was a fool thinking it would make me happy...We were only happy when we had money the first 2 years. Money doesn't make people happy. Memories and love do. I got all wrapped up in trying to be happy. All the while while my son struggled to be happy. The whole thing has flashed before my eyes.

I think what is most important is having fun. although i didn't live my life like that. I will try to live the ret of it like that. and hope not to be a hypocrit. Exercise type of fun or musical type of fun or humor type of fun.. kids are a lot of fun... a lot of work too but they are so free... happy... and fun...

We are going to try to get an agreement today. It sucks but it is the position I put myself in. I am extremely unhappy. More unhappy than I have ever been in my life. Severe depression. I am taking an antidepressant. Only I can get myself out of this whole. I think I will start by taking a biology class at the community college. I have my degree in accounting but have never used it and don't have the computer skills nor the practical experience. I may wait until august.. for the summer classmay just be too intense

Diane I am sorry about your loss. I feel with you. I know everything bothers. me ... TV events grocery stores.... His brother.. All my thoughts... they are running rampant... and i am coming up on the 1 year anniversary next week. Bth my sons birthday and angel day are so close together. It is so sad beyond measure. March 7 the best day of my life. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had natural childbirth. He was looking around before he came into this world.... I think he was the most intelligent out of the three kids. And I was stupid stopping his whys when he was 2 or 3... He was driving me nuts. Why everthing... He just wanted to know...I would give my life to go back there and let him live. I tell rick i can't have what i want to go back in time. march 4 the worst day of my life. that tragic day he made that fatal mistake. why??? No oneknows why... But the whys and hows where the most things i thought about and God anything but this. My life is over as i knew it. I have a poster that his friends cathy and justin made for his funeral.. Photos of Morgan as an adult with a smile as wide as time. I think he had more fun in his life than I ever did..But he had more turmoil also. Goodness I had him when i was about 22. He was almost 24.. would have been 25 next week... I don't understand what happened to your son either. He was 31? and a good carreer? children? You would think he was past the bad part.... Someone toldme life is whatwe make it... I believe that tobe true.

I just want to focus on making memories with my other children for the rest of my life. I didn't do it with Morgan. Though we both screwed up that department. He thought he had forever also.Love to you and hope and memories. It is not the same but it is what we have.Peace to all of us. carrie

All indigos. Just wanted to ask a stupid question. do you think life is harder for boys or girls. I know being divorced I thought thank god i had two boys.. But with Morgans death and all this reflection. I think boys have it harder. But with the way of the world now with liberated sx etc maybe girls have it harder not that it matters just wondered what you think.

[ericasmom]

Hi Terri, I just was able to take a peek at our site here and did not read beyond your post, so I will just say, I thought that the motorcycle ride was somehow related to the scholarship that year, was unsure if was ongoing, and please forgive me, my brain does not hold onto information as it once did. Believe me when I say I was never good at long term memory, but since Eri died, and with aging on top of that, my long term and short term have lost some of their zip. I do remember your taking our angels with you on your ride. I remember your talking about the ride and your husband's sadness, but when you were not here for a time, I think some details lsipped away. I am so glad that you were able to award such wonderfully generous scholarships. What a wonder for these kids to be bestowed such gifts---gifts from the heavens through you and all those who donated. Adam must be giving you that same beautiful smile that we see in his photo. All encompassing grin, you know how they say some folks wear their heart on their sleeve, well Adam wore his in his smile.

Peace Sweetie,

crying is what is needed right now, a river of salt and love.

[crystalann]

Diane, I feel the same way. I wake up knowing it is another day without Tyler.They got me a nice clock for christmas I did love it now it just reminds me another hour has gone buy. It will be 8 weeks Monday. Anyway we can get monday taken off the calander? I CAN NOT DO THIS THE PAIN IS TO MUCH

[dwsmithrn]

susanna, rhonda...thanks for the words of encouragement...i want to make it through this, the sadest, most horrific time of my life....i just don't how to do it. i am sad and crying all the time...my heart is shattered and i know 'I' will never be the same again....thank goodness my husband knows this and is willing to help me get through this...us get through this...he is nathan's stepdad, but loved him as his own...they had a very good relationship and i know he is grieving too, just differently than i am.....i try to get out of bed and do something, at least walk around the house and piddle around, but i feel sick, dizzy, headache and eventually, back in bed....i don't care....that is where i want to be right now....but thanks for being 'here' for me and i am glad i found my new friends.

morgan's mom....i am so sorry for your sorrow and sadness...please don't blame yourself....i have struggles with this as well, for many reasons...we lived 4-5 hours apart and i do not know all the reasons nathan decided he could not be here any longer...some, yes, but we had no idea he was so sad....he had just turned 32, and then 2 days later, just like that, he was gone....i feel guilty because i'm his mom, i think i should have known he was so sad...but he could cover up his depression so well...no one knew how serious it was...no one, until that fatal day...on a riday evening, as the sun set, on the beach, his favorite place in the whole world...and then he was gone, just as a minister of the lord walked by. as if it was plannedthat way....i too question the lord...why? why didn't he help him instead of take him....i am having trouble with my faith, it is not helping me now.

i have 2 surving sons and a daughter, and 6 grandchildren and a wonderful husband to help me, but they can't...they try, but it isn't the same....i gave birth to this child, nursed this child, stayed home with this child until he went off to school, he was the most loving, caring child and grew up to be the same sort of adult....loved his patients and gave them every part of himself.....but could not do the same for himself....tomorrow is friday...5 weeks...i can not bear fridays....it just hurts too much....

we all have our pain and sorrow to bear for many reasons, but mostly, just because we have lost someone so special to us and we can't change it, no matter how the heart hurts....it is hollow and shattered and broken and maybe, as we are all told, with time, the burdern will lessen, or soften, but i don't see it yet....

i dedicate my love and support to all my new indigo friends for today......just get through today.....diane

[dwsmithrn]

Diane, I feel the same way. I wake up knowing it is another day without Tyler.They got me a nice clock for christmas I did love it now it just reminds me another hour has gone buy. It will be 8 weeks Monday. Anyway we can get monday taken off the calander? I CAN NOT DO THIS THE PAIN IS TO MUCH

i just don't want to be here...at all...i knowthat sounds so selfish, because it was selfish of nathan to leave me feeling this way, and it would leave the rest of my family feeling this way....but the pain, oh, the pain...what's a mother to do? we are only moms who yearn for their children....it is a pain that no one can understand....you can't explain it to them, you describe it to them, and you don't even want to....i basically, just want people to leave me alone and let me have this time to miss nathan all by myself. i want them to stop calling me and asking "how are you today?" i have started replying "SSDD" and want to reply you dumb ____!...but i don't....

i realize we are about in the same time frame of loss and maybe we can get through if we hang in there together....you can friend me and contact me personally, if you want to....i will be around to chat with you.....bless you, and your breaking heart....diane

[ericasmom]

Crystal, Diane, my goodness, you are both so early on this journey, just weeks from one another's tragic day. Hold on, know that we all wondered if we too should join our Lost child, we all wondered if it wouldn't just be easier to join them, but let me urge you to take this minute to realize that the compounded pain for those left behind you would be insurmountable. The pain you are now feeling would be quadrupled by those loving you here on Earth. Please hang on, we know the pain is TOOOOO MUCH, but the pain is part of the damn process, the process of grief. If bed is where you feel safest, then so be it, taking a walk around the house, maybe around the block in a week or so...the physical aspects of grief are often not spoken of, we had a long discussion here a few years ago about that. Many of us went to thearapy in the months that followed our Child's leaving, i did at around the 6 month mark, stayed for 2 years and went back after a time to work some more. I am almost 8 years in this sadness, and I promise that a year from now, which is an eternity ---I know when you are this new to it, but in a y ear, you will be in a place that allows you more space for other emotions. In a few months, you will look over your shoulder and see the steps you have taken, you will see that the work you are doing to stay alive has made a difference. HOLD ON- we left some big prints in the mud of this path, walk where we did, one day it will be your footfalls that help a new parent up this slippery slope.

My love to you on this and each day...

dee

[dwsmithrn]

thanks dee, i am trying to hold on, i am trying....some days are just harder than others, and i am sure you know this, too....some days i have no idea what i am even doing...my kids call, my sisters call, my mother calls, and no one has any idea what to say to me...so i cry and they cry and i just want them to hang up and leave me alone, which i have told them this...there are just days i need to be alone. they worry about me, but i don't...i know i have to grieve my loss....nathan was such a great guy....just don't understand so many things....i have to have time to process the whole thing. maybe years down the road, i will be able to pretend to accept it, but not today.....i will keep plugging away atthe minutes and see where i land by tonight....days are too slow and nights are too long...then i get up and do it all over again. little sleep, can't eat much, don't feel well, and another day to feel the sadness, then pain, the heartache, so here's to today....

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's,

home after a visit to the doctor after/during a weird headache episode. Dr. gave me hell and it was warranted. BP is way to high so I am on another medication in addition to the other. Since Rich died I seem to live my life in a heightened sense of anxiety or should I say, anxiety is at a high level when confronted with stress or perceived danger. Like MPH, 0-60 in seconds. The trespasser's have not helped in our illusion of safety. After the thief and a few other events my aunt worries ,worries,worries. A strange car and I am called to check it out. Look at this,look at that. Fight or flight reflex and it ain’t good. So, working on taking care of me again. Yoga maybe.Betty, did the street-lights come on while you sat on the train? When I was a kid we had to be home when the street-lights came on or call home. I was out after dark not long ago and I started getting calls. My aunt was worried. I guess to some we will always be youngsters.

Terri, the scholarship funds are a wonderful tribute. Adam is loved by many and he will never be forgotten. Have you made any decision on your angel garden yet?Diane, I sat on my deck for about a year after Rich died. The weather didn't concern me and I started to walk at dusk. I just walked.

Leah and Rhonda, do we all feel a need to take care of others, to fix things because our children died or do you think we were always that way? I would guess that we were but are more aware of our attempts to fix because the one thing we wish we could fix,we can't. You are both very strong women and I admire that.Susannah, the questions from the Boys and Girls Club, the paperwork I was asked to fill out at the doctors...” I DID THIS ALREADY”. A feeling of why must I continue to go over and over this. In your case it really is no comparison . The feeling of frustration is,a little. The picture of Rich, thank you. His look before the g/f. I always thought he wore a beard because it may have made him look older.

The sun is out and it is a nice winters day. I am home today so I think I'll finish the book I'm reading and concentrate on positive feedback...lower BP.Trudi, Dee, Colleen, Kathy,Tyler’s mom,Carol,Sharon..Indigo’s, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

One last thing. I am shopping for a used car,one that will allow my aunt to get in/out of without much trouble. Some are just low to the ground. I never thought this would be a hassle but it has been with some sellers. Anyway, in a dream I was having I was arguing with someone about a car ( hasn't happened in real life) and there was Rich. He would lean over into my line of vision and say something, lean away. Again, lean into my line of vision and back again. He was saying something...probably not to get upset about cars!!!take care

[arc4ever]

To the new folks (sorry, not good with names and the memory thing that effects us all). Dee is absolutely correct, we all have felt we couldn't go on. But she is also correct that losing you on top of your child would cause such unbearable pain to those who love you. I remember that first year. Counselors, grief groups, this message board, reading I tried everything I could think of to help me. I thought someone MUST have an answer for me. But in reality there are no definitive answers. We each must travel this journey ourselves in our own way. I have changed so much since Adam's passing. I am a different person. I love my family with all my heart, but my husband and I do not see our families anymore. Too much pain. Adam would be at all the family gatherings with us and Adam is no longer here thus in my mind, I am no longer a part of that family anymore. I talk with one of my sisters on a regular basis. She is an incredible young woman and she loved Adam very much. She is very delicate with me which I appreciate. And our families do not put the guilt trip on us like some families do. (However, we have disowned one sibling because she was just toxic to us). I also don't see many of my "before" friends much. I have basically new friends. They didn't know me before therefore they have no expectation of me returning to my "old self". Which aint gonna happen. I lived off Cheezits for almost two years and gained a signicant amount of weight. January 3, 2010 I started exercising five days a week at a bootcamp. I have done it 4-5 days per week since. Amazingly it has helped my mental health. I now believe in the endorphine effect LOL. BUT, there are still many days when getting up and out of bed is more than I can handle. However, I have learned over these almost three years that if I listen to my body and my mind and rest and do nothing when I am not able to do anything then eventually I will get up again and move and do something, anything. That is something that comes with time. The knowing that even though one day - or week or month, etc. we are basically comatose there will be days that come that we are able to get up and do something. Hang in there ladies, take it one minute at a time if you need to. If you can't do something then don't do it. But please, please, try to take care of yourself. Yes, we all want to be with our child(ren) but, for now this is where we are to be. - And as far as my angel garden, it is in the planning stages. The location is going to be on some land we purchased and I have to find just the "right" spot and when the weather improves the garden will begin. Love and hugs to all - T (Adam's mom)

[ericasmom]

Betsy, my heavens, please do take care, high blood pressure is nothing to take lightly. Yoga sounds perfect for such a thing, and are y ou still able to take yur walks?

Gosh, I know how horrid this is Diane, and I so wish you were not here...in this sad position. Nothing in the world is uglier or more agonizing. I agree, the abstraction of time is the worst, long nights, short days, repeat and repeat, but I agree too with Terri, going out to make your body move a bit does help. I have always been needy of movement, I walk several miles a day adn work out at a gym three times a week, because I need it, did this before Erica died too, but the body does help the mind when it is more active. So even small walks around th eneighborhood can actually allow you to feel a tiny bit better. As far as the phone calls, I am glad that you told your family members but they don't seem to get it yet, their disbelief and the need to take care of you are too big for them to see that leaving you be is taking care of you. Tell Each if you are able, that you will call them once per week to tell them how you are at that point. Make a committment to a day of week to make your 'how I am phone calls' and then you can let the rest of the week unfold without worrying about them calling you. Explain exactly as you did here, that I need time to grieve alone right now. That is perfect and perfectly true. We have to allow ourselves the space and time to somehow synthesize the tragedy, and synthesizing it does not mean acceptance, it simply means putting the pieces of this event in sequence and allowing the replay until we feel it is time to do the next best thing for ourselves. I needed help with the replay part, did not know how to stop it and allow a day without constant replay, but I learned how later on. I did also tell people that I needed time with my grief, that I would let them know either in email or phone calls how I was other than that, please do not drop by adn do not keep calling because I could not handle it, it felt like an intrusion to all I had left of Erica, which at that time early on, was the last days of her life.

I have since, as will you, find that there is much more that you will have of your Sweet Son, but right now, no, you need that time.

Blessings, and I hope that others will be able to honor your wishes.

dee

[charsng1234]

I know how the new ppl feel I am sad when morning's comw another long day with out my son.I look forward to sleep so I maybe when see him there. My heart hurts so much its hard to breath. I to have other children but cant get shane out of my thoughts/ I watched a vidio of him last night it was 2 christmas ago. He was laughing and dancing.. No one laughs like him. I feel also like its to hard to go on, The pain is just to muc Why him?? I asked GOD to take me always first not one of my kids. I have to work I hate it there I wake everymorning with a headache just want to give up. But I keep waking up.. I know how you all feel it going on 6 weeks soon. he died the 15th of January at about 1:15 in the morning. I hate weekends its around the corner again. Shanes mom,,

[lolynbo]

I dont understand why I can look at all the pics of Tyler young and smile,but all the more recent ones I cannt even look at. My oldest daughter came today with her husband and my grandson with Tyler's girlfriend and made me go to lunch.It is hard to go any where in our small town everyone knew him.My oldest is having a hard time and I dont know how to help.She just called and said the baby wont stop crying and she couldnt take it anymore.She is bringing him to me a couple of days maybe that will help her get a chance to cry,and give me something to do

IM THE OPPOSITE I CANT LOOK AT BABY KOURTNEY...I HAVE MY "SAFE PICS" I CAN LOOK AT BUT NO NEW ONES YET...SHE WILL BE GONE 3 YRS JUNE 17...

KOURTNEYS BIRTHDAY IS ROLLING UP ON ME..AND IM STILL STUCK IN 07 WHEN SHE WAS NEWLY MARRIED AND 21...NOT FN 25...ME HEART IS MISSING HER SO BAD AND MY BRAIN WONT TELL ME SHES GONE...SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[ericasmom]

I think Lor, that being stuck in '07' is not really true, I think that you are fully aware and functioning in 2011 with the sadness that becomes a piece of us after such a losss. Maybe your brain is allowing you a trip backward to visit those more innocent times.

Sharon, the pain is indescribable, nobody can know how bad it hurts except us, so keep on posting, keep on talking, we are here listening and shaking our heads in agreement. It is beyond really horrible.I never felt that God had anything to do with Eri's death, I do believe in a God, but not that God takes away, perhaps God is someone or an entity that provides a place for the next part, the everlasting part. God would never just say, okay, I will allow the earthquake to take lives away in New Zealand, God may have made the earth and the resulting life on it, but the consequences are ours. The promise of that other place, beyond the sky, I do believe I will see Erz again, hold her big hands in mine, hold her close and inhale deeply the scent of my little girl. Pray so anyway.

[crystalann]

Here i am crying my eyes out again! I think my mind is cruel sometimes.I was sitting here trying to make myself eat oatmeal,and my mind shows me things i dont want to see.Getting out of the car seeing Tyler on the ground running to him.Seeing the blood all ready coming out his nose and mouth. Reaching down and making sure it didnt get in his eyes his wonderful light green eyes. I remember yelling at the first cop that got there Help him please! I made him cut his shirt off. I looked at the wound small pinky size but no blood.My husband kept telling him to breathe fight we could tell he could hear us he tried so hard. I prayed so hrd next to him Take me Please dont take him!!He started turning blue my husband started cpr on him then the ambulance then the careflight still at the hospital.The surgen said it hit the top of the lung and came out the pulmonery artery.She was so cold Just sorry he bled out.I can not grasp this I live in a town of 5000 people. I couldnt have even dreamed this would happen.I get up in the mornings for my two younger childer 17 And 14 But when they leave I fall apart Start calling for Tyler my heart thinks he will answer me from his room.Some times I call his phone.drownding in this messed up tragidy

[shorty16]

Tyler's Mom

We have all been there. For months, I can remember walking outside and thinking to myself "How can the sun come up - doesn't it know that Brian is dead?" "How do these flowers keep blooming? How can these people go on about their lives when mine has been knocked into another galaxy?"

We have all been there. One day, you will be able to think about something else, if just for a couple minutes. Then those minutes become hours. But TIME and our willingness to want to move forward and through this grief-fire. Grief will not be ignored.

Hang in there. We know what you are feeling - we have all been there and we are still here now.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Lorri

I agree. I also have my "Safe Pics" When I happen to stumble on a non-safe pic, it feels like I have been punched in the stomach. My breath is gone, and I am frozen with "What could have been."

The pictures of our indigo angels that the 6 of us made in MN are safely packed away. I cannot look at them without the group with me. Too much sorrow.

Thinking of you, my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Nap time. I actually showered, did my hair and makeup (I look cute - old, but cute) two days in a row! I took Mariah to her counseling appt. On the way home we passed a car accident. It didn't look like anyone was hurt. The ambulance and fire trucks were just arriving and we had to pull over for them and I started sobbing. The sounds of sirens.......

I was going to go to a noon meeting but I'm wiped so I'm going to bed.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[arc4ever]

Here i am crying my eyes out again! I think my mind is cruel sometimes.I was sitting here trying to make myself eat oatmeal,and my mind shows me things i dont want to see.Getting out of the car seeing Tyler on the ground running to him.Seeing the blood all ready coming out his nose and mouth. Reaching down and making sure it didnt get in his eyes his wonderful light green eyes. I remember yelling at the first cop that got there Help him please! I made him cut his shirt off. I looked at the wound small pinky size but no blood.My husband kept telling him to breathe fight we could tell he could hear us he tried so hard. I prayed so hrd next to him Take me Please dont take him!!He started turning blue my husband started cpr on him then the ambulance then the careflight still at the hospital.The surgen said it hit the top of the lung and came out the pulmonery artery.She was so cold Just sorry he bled out.I can not grasp this I live in a town of 5000 people. I couldnt have even dreamed this would happen.I get up in the mornings for my two younger childer 17 And 14 But when they leave I fall apart Start calling for Tyler my heart thinks he will answer me from his room.Some times I call his phone.drownding in this messed up tragidy

Tyler's mom: I know you are having such a hard time. You are so new to this journey. I too, like you and probably everyone else had a terrible time and still do sometimes with visions of things that are too horrible to comprehend. I couldn't stop them I tried anything I could think of. The ONLY thing that worked for me and there is no reason why it did, it just did, was to think of flowers. Up close flowers I would picture all kinds in my mind's eye. It was the only thing I could think of that didn't bring some terrible image to my head. Flowers were harmless I guess. Worked for me, may not work for anyone else. But what I'm basically saying is try to find some "safe" place you can go in your head to push those visions out. Those visions do terrible things to us. They are a part of us, yes, but they are not helpful. Even now, this very minute just talking about it I start to see things no parent should ever see. But I will stop, I will force myself, my mind to go somewhere else even if it is back to the flowers again. May God give you some peace today. Love - T (Adam's mom)

[charsng1234]

I to cry all the time I told my husband I can not do it! I can not take this pain I just want to slep all the time. I go to work and feel like my insides are screaming to come out!! I don't know how to do this, I dont want to.. Just to tired.

[dwsmithrn]

just when i think i'm all cried out...guess what? the tears flow again....where do those things come from and how do we make so many? this has not been a good week for me...tomorrow is FRIDAY...the worst day of the whole week...can we do away with that day? tomorrow will be a very bad day...i hate fridays....i can not get my composure no matter what i do or try to do, so tomorrow, i know it's a stay in bed day. my friend tells me i am in charge of my own grief, so do what i feel like doing, and that's what i will be doing...i already feel physically sick that tomorrow is friday....friday is the day we lost our nathan....friday will never, ever be a good day again...i wonder how long this laptop will last with so many tears landing down in the keyboard? anyone have an abstract view on that? i don't care, i just want my nathan back...anyone have an answer for that tough one? if an uncaring god could take him away, then no one can answer that for me...sorry for anyone that might offend, but i am angry with god and i have a right to be at this time in my life....he should not be gone, he should be here with his family, with me, his mother...he was so awesome and now he's gone, just like that....it can't be right....nope, it's not...no way, no how...not right....ok, guess i'm rambling now...sorry. but thanks for letting me do so....if not to you, to who, then?

thanks...diane

[mikesmum]

I remember the non stop crying. Wondering each day how I could still be here and Mike not. How no matter what I tried I couldn't get past that he was gone. It was intense, it was all consuming. My brain wouldn't be still and my heart kept beating.

Someone here told me it wouldn't go away, but it would get softer. I thought they were as crazy as me, but then I was sent a DVD. The space between breaths. (Thanks Bonnie). I watched as parents told their stories. They were as devestated as I was, yet they had found that softer place. I watched it and cried, wailed. It was something I need to hear. This would soften. Mike's being gone would be part of me forever, but it would find its place.

Hard to believe I know. There are days when I'm back a day one, crying, physically ruined with a bad case of I want him back NOW, but it eases and it becomes less frequent. The one thing that never leaves is that split second on waking where my mind hasn't 'rebooted'. I forget for just a 'heartbeat' that Mike is gone. It would jolt me. A feeling like I was falling without a shute. Now its like my heart skips that beat, the depth that feeling is easing.

Yesterday we were unloading an outdoor swing bench for the garden here at the Bay. A leftover from step sons garage sale. As we were unhitching the trailer a lady stopped to talk. She was walking her dog who was no where to be seen. Long story short. She had moved here 3yrs ago. After losing her 29yr old son to cancer her marriage broke down and the life she once knew was no longer accessible to her. She had been an academic. Working at Melbourne University and teaching at Healesville primary. She talked about her 4yr mark. There seemed to be for her as a clearing of the fog. The road less travelled now being an option.

She came to the Bay to find peace. It enabled her to come to terms with the fact that with the death of her child much of what she knew and who she was no longer part of who she was.

She spoke for about 20mins. After she finished she apologised for keeping us, asking why we had chosen to come to the Bay. I simply said....4yrs ago I lost my son. No words needed.

She wished us well, hoping to see Muttley again with her dog. She asked Mal if he was ready to retire and he said sooner rather than later. Then she turned to me and said, you'll probably need to find something, what your only about 45 aren't you. I don't believe she was vision impaired, but I thought, maybe I look better than I feel.

I don't know much for sure but in my heart I believe we 'Indigos', parents who have lost children, are drawn together. Whether that be our angels directing or just something that happens I don't know.

[Guest msnher]

There are so many new parents here with raw pain. Today is one of those days when it feels like I haven't made any progress at all. Yet, I know I have. Progress. The word sticks in my throat. We don't progress past the death of our child. This isn't something we heal from, as I have always hoped. This is something we learn to live with. Perhaps that's where the stumbling block is...for me...believing I would one day be through grieving and be healed from this pain. Just when I think I'm done, that I'm somehow better, it all hits again. A whole new layer of understanding this process, I suppose. We never progress past the fact our child is gone.

This morning, driving to the counselor, Mariah and I had a nice talk. She spoke of how odd it is that she's happy but sad at the same time. I told her we will never look back at what happened to them and be happy about it. Nor will we ever look at her mommy's death and be happy about it. Those things will always be sad. But, we will be happy about other things.

Stephanie's death has not become the background noise of our lives, yet. It's still very much the main attraction in our hearts. However, we do have longer moments when we can feel the sadness of her death AND feel happiness about other things. I am able to turn down the volume of her death, at times...but, never do I forget.

To you new parents, we are all learning to live without our child, but you have just found out you have to (live without them). Every fiber of your existence screams it's rejection of such an unfathomable thought, let alone a fact.

Your tears will never completely dry. And, right now, if you're anything like I was, all the crying seems to make the pain worse, not better. Be assured it won't always hurt as bad as it does now. Or maybe it does and we've just grown used to the pain.

There will be a day, just as I was told (now I know) that talking of your child won't bring such pain but will bring a smile, instead. Your tears will fall in sorrow and your lips will curve upwards as you remember. Happy and sad at the same time.

Out of the mouths of babes. I will never be happy my child died. But, I am happy she lived. That happiness isn't strong enough to cover the fact that she's gone. I am sad she died, but happy her children are with me (except for when I'm complaining about raising small children).

Take heart dear parents. I believe we will all learn to be happy and sad at the time. We will learn how to live differently, even though we don't want to.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

Looking back on my life with Brian I have few regrets.The one I do have is I wish I would have told him more often that I loved him. I did tell him that often but in light of the fact he's gone, often just doesn't seem enough. So now every night before I go to sleep I tell him I love you..... I hope he's listening .

Greg

[ericasmom]

Greg, I do the same each night, I make sure that there is a piece of sky that I can see out the window, and I tell Eri that I love her, I talk to her some nights, falling asleep as I chat about the day or asking her and her Dad to look after Jonathan.

[Guest msnher]

I say, "Stephanie, where are you?" a lot.

[aim630]

So much pain...no one truly understands unless they've gone through it themselves. To Diane, Sharon, Crystal...and the other new parents, know that we wish we could ease this pain, but all we can do is let you know we're here to listen. I know that nothing else helped me except coming here & reading & talking to other people who understood.

I talk to Ashley all the time. Her paternal (sperm-donor) grandfather just died this week. He was the only one she really liked from that side of the family (although she loved her step-mother & siblings, Tracie was the best step-mom I could wish for Ashley). He had bad health since about the time Ashley was born. Who would have ever thought he would outlive her though? Every time I see Ashley's cat who is 14, I think, who would have known when we got the cat that she would outlive her owner? It's just so unfair.

Not much to say tonight, except thanks to the ones who post daily. I enjoy reading about your families and your daily life.

Greg-I am also interested in bumper stickers. Let us know the price & where to send the money.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Crystal16]

Good evening my friends,

Lots of post to read, I will catch up tomorrow wanted to say I was thinking of all of you.

I pray you have peace tonight and sleep well.

[dwsmithrn]

good night friends...tomorrow is the dreaded friday, and i may not be able to log on tomorrow, so until i am able to revisit this site, i will be thinking of you and trying to make sense out of the loss of nathan and the other angels here on this site....have a good weekend, if at all possible...

diane

[lolynbo]

Roy Cooper

The first time i saw you, i wanted to hold you.i always want a little blonde headed little girl. you were so cute. but of course you wouldn't have anything to do with me.i still remember the little dress you was in. i just wanted to pick you up and squeese you till ya popped,but couldn't get close enough.after the holidays,i went back... to california,and didnt see you again till you was about six or seven. by then you wasn't as cute with the teeth missin and all, but you was a little easier to get close to.we made up for the hugs i didn't get when i first saw you.over the years you grew older and prettier, and we grew to be very close.it got to the point i could'nt peel you off of me,but i didn't mind, you was like the daughter i never had.the day you went to the city , you sent me a text and told me you loved me.thats the last time you ever spoke to me baby girl.i've had that text, and your phone number on my phone ever since. you don't know how much i miss you baby..happy birthday Kourtney lynn..uncle Roy loves you very much..

MY BROTHER WROTE THIS FOR KOURTNEY...MADE ME CRY

[daveydow1]

I'm so far behind on BI......can't seem to catch up.

Don't have too much to say today........just a rather 'blah' day, so I will wish PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS,

and a good night's rest.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Oh how we all grieve the same yet different on this journey. I was the opposite of "stay in bed and sleep" - I became a crazy woman who decided that I needed to re-do my entire house....I painted every room, bought new carpet, cleaned non-stop and only slept fitfully when I was so exhausted. I however had my "safe-zone" and that was my home, the thought of leaving it would send me into a panic attack. I went back to work after 5 weeks and wow was that hard, I worked with 2 other women, one very understanding, the other a terrible wicked woman....anyway, every day at work I would be outside or in the bathroom at least 10 times a day on my knees unable to breathe or move just wanting to go home to my safe place.......I know that I had my 4 year old grandson to take care of and then there was a year and a half of a court battle so my plate was over-flowing....I sometimes feel as though maybe I didn't get to grieve the way others do. I put everything I had into the court battle and when it was over I said "oh my goodness, what do I do now?? So, I found another project....I put in an entire patio by myself, then we built a fishpond and then came "Jessica's Garden" ... it was a non stop for me until the day I crashed and realized that my daughter was never coming home. I used to "pretend" she was away in a land far away and could not keep in touch, anything to keep my mind off of the reality...My Daughter Was Gone. I started therapy and then a miracle happened - I found this place....it saved my life and I am forever grateful to those who walk before me, for their wisdom, their tears, their sharing, the pain, the saddness, the laughter (yes, the laughter)....I came to realize that my life now is "Life After Jessica".....my life before was gone along with alot of "I thought you were my friends", some family members and all the things I used to think were so important.....I then learned how to LIVE my life without my beautiful daughter here and although I will never not hurt, or cry or have days when I am in that black hole - I am alive and I am going to live as my Jessica would want me too knowing that she would be with me where ever I went, smiling and saying "you go momma, I am always with you". I can say this because I am 5 years on this journey, not 5 weeks....so those of you so very new do not push yourselves, it is one second, one minute, one hour at a time, if sleep is what gets you through then sleep, and if you cry all day then cry....just stay with us and hang on tight and we will not leave you. So, after this long talk I just want all of the new ones here to know that we understand all that you are saying and feeling and we are here for you......there are many here with much more wisdom than I - I know this becasue that is why I am still living.....God Bless you all and although I hate the reason you are here I LOVE that you found us....Prayers and loving hugs to you, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Beautifully put Kathy, and I agree wholly.

So help me to make sure that I have the names of New Parents: Carrie, Diane, Deanne, Sharon, Crystal (2) and now I'm forgetting someone, Christy. Have I messed up and forgotten a name? It was a short flurry of time that found you all here on the threshold of this wonderful establishment, looking for shelter from the harsh reality that you were thrust into. Before you six, we also had just met Michelle from Australia, (where are you Michelle?) and Crystal (1) as well as Karen and a few more that are really still new to this world. There are several parents just ahead of you and then those who are at 2 years, 3, and on and on. We come here out of deep and utter loss, we stay for the compassion, the friendship, the connections, and the healing we each help cause in another. We stay because we are home here, joined under the same sky by the Children that will live forever in our hearts and who cheer our gains. We live because it is their light that guides us and urges us to do so, live in their light and stand where they no longer can.

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[Guest msnher]

Karen - I fluctuate between rambling a few paragraphs or rambling a whole book...rarely am I mute. I'd like to give it a try. I want to watch the video but am unsure how. Too drugged tonight to figure it out....I'll check back tomorrow.

[kmb22]

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[charsng1234]

I watched the video on you tube.. It made me cry It was so beautiful and yet so sad.. I seen my beautiful son shane and it was lke a knife in my heart.. I miss him so much I also hate fridays I will watch the clock, wondering what my son was doing at midnight, if he only knew by 1:30 am he would never see me again. I hope everyone is doing well thanks for being here for me.. Sharon.. shanes mom...

[crystalann]

I am mad at God too!!! Why would he take Tyler who was so careing and kind and leave the piece of crap that took him? It is easier to think he is away some where I know thats not true. I just think please let me wake up please!!!!!! I will be thinking of you tomorrow

[rlolheiser]

I have a really hard time keeping up these days, I thought maybe it was cause I am still not feeling the best, but I don't know... my brain reads, but it takes longer to sink in.. :-) maybe I am just old.

Betty, I think it is great you were missed.. all my travel and nobody ever checks up on me, they just complain when I am late... even coming back with my grandson nobody checked on us to make sure we made it safe... kinda bugs me..

Betsy I know I have always been a caregiver.. even before losing JaBoa.. but since her leaving me.. I feel I need to work extra hard when the grands want me. I am so afraid that if I put them on the back burner I will lose them. Kinda like with JaBoa.. all the times I told her next summer you can come live with us.. and next summer never came.. still breaks my heart.

I wish I knew how to shake this headache.. otherwise things are ok... Going to JaBoa's grave did me good... I can't say why, God knows I hate having to go there, yet I need that connection.

I gotta call it quits tonight, my head is just pounding to much

thinking of you all

[ericasmom]

Leah, do you think that you have a sinus infection to have given you so heavy a headache? Your flu could have left you open to a secondary infection, and this flu lends itself well to upper respiratory infections...go to bed and take good care Sweetie. It is hard to keep up right now in part because you were sick, but also because sadly, so many parents have found their ways here in a very short amount of time.

Karen the video was lovely, I love seeing the faces of those BEAUTIFUL angels, thanks for putting that together. A few years ago, Greg put one together and maybe he will post that again.

The wind is blowing, we are to get some snow, but more to the south of the city. I can hear the chimes of surrounding houses playing with the wind.

Be well and sleep deeply if you can, and if not, may the night be kind.

[kmb22]

"Life for me ain't been no crystal stair...." ( Langston Hughes' - Mother to Son)...but what do we do when we lose our biggest reason for climbing on? I'm humbled by the strength of those able to keep moving with so much pain in their hearts. I used to think I was strong...I've never been so wrong.

May you all be blessed with a peaceful sleep.

[Guest msnher]

Karen - I love you for creating that video!!! It absolutely broke my heart and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Our angels together. I cry for all of them. Indeed, I cry for all of us....Little Zachy's face....each beautiful child. Thank you. A million times, thank you!

I wasn't able to watch it until I allowed the pop ups. I've saved it to my favorites. I hope I am able to access it from there. May I share this video with my family? I would like them to meet your children, too. Jennifer, my youngest daughter, has already asked about Lorri's daughter and Lynn's daughter whom she's seen on my facebook wall.

I don't know how you managed to complete that, Karen, because I was sobbing before the first line of the song was sung. But, it was a true labor of love. I will cherish it forever!

[ericasmom]

And while you may not feel your strength, we do, witnessed as we watched a video you put together while in the throes of grief. We feel and know the strength in living after losing a Child. One day, you will see just how strong you are Karen.

Again, thank you for the video.

[kmb22]

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[kmb22]

Thank you too Dee. Creating seems to be the only thing that holds my focus for any period of time. So far as the strength, I'll have to take your word for it for now.

[mysonrich]

Karen, Thank you .

[aim630]

Karen-Thank you so much! I am still sobbing. I shared this on Ashley's facebook page.

Amy/Ashley's mom