Loss of an Adult Child

[dlj0403]

I love my signs...it is what keeps me going....thanks for always having the encouraging words...

Jenna's Mom, how wonderful those signs are. It shows three very important things, that she let you know that she is not far away, and that others think of her, won't forget her, and that you, even in your deep grief, have been a support to another who loves her. I hope taht the little bit better feeling lasts into the next few days showing you that there are days when things soften a bit.

[rlolheiser]

I feel like everytime I get strong something else happens to knock me down. Last night my 14 year old grandson called me because his mom and stepdad were drunk and fighting. It broke my heart, I don't know what to think anymore.. I am at my wits end not knowing how to be there for everybody. I told him, he can come live with us if it gets to bad. I love that little boy so much, I was so glad that he felt safe to call me.. I wish I knew how to make grown children grow up.

Also had sadness here on Saturday, my ex sister inlaw passed away. She lost her 2 daughters almost 2 years ago to social services, they have been living close by with my brother inlaw up the hill from me (not their father).. these girls are so precious and sweet.. the mom never tried to get them back.. the father.. can't stay out of his bottle... now no mom... how sad.. people don't see what they have.. what a waste..

Thank you Susannah.. you brought a smile to my face.. thinking about those big feet and rocks... I had let the memory pass... I know I should write them all down in a notebook.. but it seems there is never time.. I tried it once, but I just sit with the pages blank..

To all you that are new to the journey.. I wish you peace.. it doesn't seem possible I know.. sometimes it isn't.. but there are days that are.. I lost my grandaughter 4 years ago in October.. she was with me from the day she was born.. she is still all around me.. some aspects are beautiful and some are painful.. I know I will never be the same grandma.. mother or wife I was ... I am just so different.. still changing.. still searching for answers. That is why I am still here.. because I learn something new all the time...

Sorry I missed your birthday Karen... I missed it... hope you had a great day!

I love the bumper stickers and would love to order some.. such a precious message

ok... my gang is screaming... gotta run... hugs to all... just because there are never enough hugs in the world

[summergirl]

I cannot tell you enough how it makes me feel to have missed so much, 6 pages of posts I have read and I feel like I ma months behind..

JABOA, JABOA, JABOA...I AM SO SORRY I MISSED YOUR SWEET BIRTHDAY....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU TOO KAREN, BEAUTIFUL VIDEO...

I have been spending alot of time with Tavian enjoying the days off.....I have to go back to work tomorrow so he will be in winter camp for the next 3 days but he loves it so I am happy for that. I think I am beginning to come out of the fog of hitting the 5 year mark and maybe now I can get back here and try to catch up with all of you.....missing you all so much

Greg - I want bumper stickers, they are magical.....Just let me know how much and where to send so I can place my order..... I def want mom and dad. Possible to get "friend" ????

I am thinking of you guys all the time and praying for some peace for you, that the sunshine is warm upon your face. No matter where we live, no matter how many miles seperate us we are held close together by this site - what a wonderful thing. Peace, Kathy

[charsng1234]

Just wanted to say hi to everyone, am so exhausted from lack of sleep. Made it through a full day at work today had one episode. Going to bed now hope all is well with everyone. Thanks again for sharing with me It helps me so much.. Shanes mom(Sharon)

[aim630]

Karen-Sorry I missed your birthday. Hope it was a good one.

Need to get ready for work-will catch up later

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Pasting a video and song of something I just heard on the radio here in my classroom. Something about it made my heart skip a beat, thought I would share.

Hope everyone slept last night. I sure did, was absolutely pooped out but the day is here, kids will arrive at 8:00 and it will be a very busy day.

A squirrel was sitting just outside this window a moment ago eating the outer bark from a branch of the tree that nearly touchs my windows. Made me think of you Betty, and your sweet squirrel.

Husband dropped me off today as Jon needed my car, he sold his and is going to purchase a new one next week and in the meantime was using Shannon's car, (she takes public trans to work downtown) and her car got broken into while he had it, shattered a window and GPS taken. He was 30 feet away in the office at the real estate office.

My thoughts with the folks in New Zealand, dealing with a catastrophic earthquake...prayers to them all.

Goodness today All,

dee

[briansdad]

Here is a song that gives me hope.

[charsng1234]

Morning everyone.. I am off to work with shane on my thoughts.. Can not get rid of the turmoil in my stomach I hope I can make it I miss him so much. My mom tells me i have to be strong,,, I just dont think I can.. sharon shanes mom...

[shorty16]

Sharon,

This feeling you have in your stomach is normal. Anziety, sick-to-your-stomach, cannot believe he is gone type of ache. I can remember for months I waited for Brian to come walking through the door. Brian's dog would jump up everytime someone came in hoping it was Brian.

Hang in there. Each day is a struggle. Then one day, just for a couple minutes, the pain will subside. That couple minutes will turn into an hour and so on.

We are right here with you, girl and all the other parents who find themselves here.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

Our family has Netflicks and Scott and I have been watching the LOST series. It is like a movie, no commercials.

Anyway, Scott and I think the LOST crew is in purgatory - a place between heaven and hell. Really a cool show.

WEIRD as all get-out, but good!!

My daughter was trying to flick her windshield wiper to remove ice and (she says) it stuck to her finger. She stripped the groves in the wiper and it just sat there, while the passenger side was clear. - Too funny. This is the same girl who drove her car into a "puddle" and the car floated away.

So Aaron looked it over, told Michelle what part she needed and replaced it for her. What a wonderful, memory-making evening we had. I know this seems simple, but Michelle and Aaron have an entirely new relationship since Brian died. Brian was the middle child and kept the peace. Now they are on their own - and last night was a huge step forward.

We have to take our accomplishments where we can get them

Thinking of my fellow Indigos.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Sharon, Colleen is right, she knows the path you are on. Your Mom must be worried about you and those that love us and watch us struggle just want us to 'make it'. As far as Mom feeling you need to be strong...well, I think that you are waking up and brushing your teeth and getting dressed in the face of such ENORMOUS loss is a strength beyond any we have ever known. To meet each day's start, to go to bed each night, a struggle to do either under this loss, but we do it, and there is no greater strength I think. Good luck, breathe, take a break when you need to, remember to eat a little something that won't cause more stomach upset.

Thanks Greg, my school email says I cannot watch it here, but I will at home.

love,

dee

[arc4ever]

Okay, it's me back again (I keep disappearing and reappearing). I am asking for prayers (or whatever your beliefs are) for several parents and families. I live just south of Columbus, Ohio. Friday afternoon three children lost their lives in an automobile accident: two siblings - a 17 year old girl named Leslie Knisley and her 14 year old brother named Ethan Knisley along with his friend, 14 year old Nate Minney. Then Sunday early morning two more again auto accident 18 year old Micah Hawkins and 18 year old Brooke Thompson. While I did not personally know any of these kids. I know many people who did. The three on Friday were from Ross County Ohio which is south of Columbus probably 40 miles and is in the same block of schools that my son, Adam was in for sports, etc. So several kids knew them and my son, Adam's best - friend the two siblings were her cousin's step siblings. The two on Sunday early morning were just north of us by 15 miles and were from a school district that I graduated from. Then I found out a couple of days ago a young man named Chris who was related to a boy Adam went to school with was gunned down along with his mother by his step-father. (This occurred in Utah). We all know the pain these families and their loved ones and siblings are going thru. Just please keep them in your thoughts. I don't know about you but these tragedies send me right back to March 25, 2008 and Adam's accident, and the hospital, and the funeral, etc. etc. You all know what I am talking about. It just breaks out hearts to hear of another lost. Thank you all - T

[arc4ever]

I have read thru several pages. I am so sad to see all the new faces. Please know there is much help, love and support here. Nothing you say will shock us. We've probably all thought or said the same things at one time or another. My name is Terrie. My husband and I lost our only child, Adam on March 25, 2008 he was 16 years old. He was driving to school, went left of center and struck a dump truck head on. He survived the accident but died several hours later after surgery. He, like your children, was the light of our lives and with the three year anniversary coming (which I cannot begin to believe it has been three years feels like yesterday) The anxiety is building again. I will try to be back on here more often and so you all know I pray for our angels every day. Love n Hugs - T (Adam's mom)

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's!

Greg - I like the bumper stickers you created. May I suggest you put a price on them? Please don't be afraid to tell us how much they cost. And, it's okay if you make a little extra for your effort. I'm not trying to tell you what to do...well, yes I am...but, I ended up not following through ordering the picture from you a year ago because I didn't know how much to send. I'm the kind of person that wants to be told exactly how much it is. And, I will send it to you. I want three that say child of an angel and one that says mother of an angel. I appreciate the fact that others are able to create these, too, but I am choosing to do my business with you because you mentioned it first. So, it just seems right. Now, please...how much? And, where do I send the check? Don't forget postage and handling......

Two years ago today - at this exact time - Gary and I were sitting in an office at Family Services trying to get our grandchildren. Stephanie was in Treatment in Iowa. I hadn't talked to Stephanie, yet, because I was too mad at her about what her kids had been through. Gary and I were ready to fight for them (the kids). "I will be at your house at 1pm to do an inspection" said the lead investigator. I almost fell off my chair when she said we would have the kids by the end of the day. Instead of rushing home to clean the house I went to WalMart and spent $300,00 on toys for them. I arrived home from the store 10 minutes before Lisa got to my house. She looked at each room of my house and asked if I could go with her now because she wanted me to meet the principals at the schools where Jasmine and Mariah were and I would be picking the kids up at 3:30pm.

I received a very chilly reception from the schools. Tina (the perpetrator) had told the school I had hurt the kids. I was okay with the chilly reception. I requested that I both Mariah and Jasmine be allowed to see me with the investigator, teacher and principal there because I had heard they were afraid of me and I didn't want to just show up at 3:30 to get them if they were afraid. When Mariah walked out of the classroom she looked at the principal and then she saw me, "GRANDMA!" She ran to me and threw her arms around my neck. In the office at Jasmine's school more than just a few people gathered. They felt very protective of the tiny child who was black and blue. They, too, had heard I was bad. The room was crowded and I was sitting on a chair next to Lisa. Little Jasmine stood right in front of me, but was looking at Lisa. She hadn't seen me yet. Lisa asked Jasmine if she knew who "this is". Jasmine looked at me, I smiled and said "Hello Jasmine Rose." Her eyes shot wide open and her arms clasped around my neck in a tight grip without saying a word. She had a death grip on me and just buried her head in my shoulder. I held her tight and kept kissing her cheek and telling her how much I loved her. When she gained her composure, she looked at me and said "Where's Grandpa?" and then "Where's Shelby(our dog)?" There wasn't a dry eye in the room.

Lisa then drove me to the foster home where Jonathon was. We walked in the front door. Four year old Jonathon stood back, by the other children, looking at me. Lisa asked him if he knew who this was. "Yes. Grandma." and, he took off running, saying, "I have to get my shoes and coat."

As I drove them to school this morning, all three of them talking at once, I couldn't help but remember that day. Mariah excited about Choir today. Jasmine excited about building fire in science club (oh my!) Jonathon commenting on all of it.. They each kissed me goodbye as they exited the van and took off running to the school door. I waited, like I do every morning, until they were all three inside. Sometimes I have to roll down the window and tell them to "GO IN!" because they will stand at the door and fight over who got there first and the other two refuse to go in while the first one holds the door.

Two years ago today Stephanie got to talk to her children on the phone for the first time in two years. She would talk to them everyday for the next four months, until she graduated from rehab. She would get to see them and hug them and kiss them the day after she arrived home. Jasmine would run away that evening, looking for her. She just walked right out our back gate and walked six blocks and into a stranger's house. It took all of 20 minutes before we found her. I had everyone in the neighborhood looking for her, the police were here and I was on the phone talking to Family Services when our neighbor drove up with her.

Two days later, after refusing to allow Mariah to call her mom one more time that morning, she had already called her four or five times and I wanted to vacuum, Mariah walked quietly into the laundry room and called 911.

This time when the police came to my door I was fed up. I let them in, introduced them to my grandchildren. And, I continued cleaning! I just swept around the officer's feet. I told him I was too upset and I was going outside to have a cigarette and he could talk to my grandchildren by himself.

I called Stephanie and told her what had happened and told her, "Stephanie, I don't want to raise your children!" She said, "Don't worry, Mom" hiding her giggle "you won't have to. It's only a little bit longer, now."

When I went back in the house the officer looked totally overwhelmed. I mistook his look for "Don't ever leave me alone with these children again!" I would find out what was really going on in his thoughts when I read his report, a week later.

His report had nothing but praises for me and our home. While I was outside each child insist he see their bedroom. All the children explained to him exactly what Tina had done to them. They volunteered the information. What they told him was just what they needed to issue the arrest for Tina. She was in jail that night.

Also, it really looked good for our side that the kids called the police on me because they wanted to be with their mom so badly. It showed they weren't afraid of me and it showed how much they loved their mother.

Well, poop! Now I'm bawling. I don't blame God anymore. Not since my visit from Micheal. But, it still sucks.

Thanks for listening!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

hi sharon...

if you can even get up and go to work, then you are doing better than you think...don't let people tell you how to grieve...you are in charge of your own grief....i lost my son 1/21/11 and i still can not even leave my house, much less face people....sometimes i don't even answerthe phone, this is just way too painful for me....my heart is shattered and i fear i my sadness has taken over my life...i know i am changed for the rest of my life, but i continue to hear that eventually i will be able to live a semi-normal life again....i am afraid...i am afraid to get out 'there'....out there where people are...

i am proud of you sharon....i can't imagine going back to work yet, and you are doing it....my heart aches for you, as it does for all of you...i can have one moment i think i can handle it, then the next the years are flowing again....then i know, this is never going to end...i don't know if i can handle this at all, ever....i am so overwhlemed with grief and heartache i don't know what to do....i miss nathan so much...some days, i don't even get out of bed...am i 'normal' or not? i still wonder...diane

[Guest msnher]

Terri-It is good to see Adam's face again! I absolutely love his joy! Those poor families. Prayers, light and energy being sent as I type.

Colleen - LOL! I would have loved to see the look on Melissa's face when the wiper stuck to her glove! You know it's cold out when your glove freezes to the windshield wiper.

[Guest msnher]

Diane - You are as normal as one can be in an abnormal situation. I'm glad you get on here and "talk".

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I watched LOST when it was on TV, I was obsessed with it. I thought about watching it again, but just haven't had the time or inclination exactly. I'm glad your kids are getting along. That is a victory.

Diane and Sharon-Sending you both hugs and wishing you strength for the day.

T-So sorry to hear of all the losses so close together. I never was sure what happened to Adam, I'm so sorry. Thinking of you as the three year anniversary approaches.

Susannah-Your story brought tears to my eyes too. You are doing such a good job with the kids.

Still struggling with how to help Westley's friend. He had two charges in two jurisdictions. Somebody bonded him out of one, and they just sent him to the other jail. Even if he gets out of that jail, he may have a state probation violation (since he can't show up for that probation officer) that may end him up in state prison. Don't understand all the legal stuff that well, and he doesn't have attorney except for court appointed. I am just sick over this mess he's in and don't know how to help. He's not even 21 and has created such a deep hole to dig his way out of, and I'm not sure that he ever will.

Thinking of you all every day

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - Everytime I read about Westley's friends, I get the gut feeling..."Do nothing". Sometimes doing nothing is the hardest thing to do because it might look like you don't care when, in fact, you DO care. When you first posted that Westley would give his last $50.00 to his friends I felt, "Not this time." Take it or leave it, but my gut is telling you to do nothing. Lord knows I might be wrong, but I don't think so.

[briansdad]

I'm in the process of getting a web site so you can order them online. I will have a pay pal account set up also.

Greg

[daveydow1]

Sharon------I, too, am proud of you that you were able to make it through a day at work. Really, dear friend,....these

are big steps for those with terribly grieving hearts....when just getting out of bed in the a.m. is a trial. I remember

when I returned to work, just 4 wks. after my son, Davey, was killed. It was sooooo difficult. I had to be a 'people

person' in my job as a librarian, and sometimes it seemed like just too much. My son used to just pop in the

library in the evenings when I was working, and I would look out through the glass doors, and see him walking

up the sidewalk to the doors, and it warmed my heart. After returning to work, I knew that I would never see him

walking up that sidewalk to the door, or coming into the library again. You are doing what you are able to do, friend,

and at this early stage...those steps that you are able to take are baby steps, but at the same time are 'big' steps

on this rough road. Sending thoughts & prayers your way.

Jennasmom-----Such lovely signs you are recieving from your sweet Jenna. Always look for those signs......

they are little golden treasures that warms the grieving heart. Peace to you.

Leah----So sorry for your dear grandson, and the problems he has at home. He is no doubt very glad that he can

call you & talk. Such loving support you give him. Teens in these situstions sometimes find it hard to talk to

people outside the family, so being there for him can be his lifeline. I'm sorry to hear of your ex-sister-in-law's

passing.....may she rest in peace.

Colleen-----So sad to know that Brian's dog would jump up when someone came home, expecting (hoping) that

it would be Brian. Glad that Michelle and Aaron are getting along so well. Bless them....the loss of their dear

brother has no doubt been very painful for them. My Davey was also a middle child.....a peacemaker.

Dee---Yep.....that snow was a surprise, as they were only calling for a "dusting" of snow. GRrrrrrrrr. I don't trust

the weatherman anymore. However, I did hear the cheerful call of cardinals this morning. March is just around

the corner too. Yay.!!

Terrie----Prayers for the families of all the dear teenagers killed in accidents recently.

PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[arc4ever]

I want to share one more thing about Adam's accident. I don't believe I have told this part on here: The morning of the accident my husband left for work at 6:45AM. Adam walked out our door at 7:11AM the last thing I did was give him money for food for after school, he had school then track practice then practice for the HS musical he was the stage manager. I said I love you and he said love you too mom. 7 minutes later while I was in the shower the dreaded call came from his best friend. She was sobbing and trying to get out the information. I called my husband at work, not knowing the extent of the accident. When I arrived all the kids were lined on the road crying. Adam's car was beyond recognition. The young man who was the first at the accident was a friend's son he came up to me and told me Adam was never conscious. The policeman walked up to me I stood there in shock. When I looked into the cornfield (we live in a rural area) I saw the entire engine of the car in the field some 30 feet from the vehicle. It was then that I knew how truly bad it was. My husband arrived jumped out of his vehicle and yelled Adam's name. We were probably 100 yards from the vehicle. As my husband got to me the policeman who had been standing with me grabbed my husband, threw him on the ground into the ditch, three other officers jumped on top of him, they handcuffed him and placed him in the police cruiser took him to the county jail, strip searched him, finger printed him, took his mugshot photo and charged him with misconduct at an emergency. I work in the legal field, I immediately phoned an attorney and told him to go get my husband and bring him to the hospital. I was forced to find a ride to the hospital, my husband was stuck in the back of a police cruiser watching his only child airlifted to the hospital. By the grace of God my husband made it to the hospital before Adam passed. He was covered in blood and his face had road rash along one whole saide from where the police shoved his face in the ground. One last thing, my husband was a prison guard, when he arrived on the scene he was in his prison guard uniform. He knew some of the police from his working at the prison. It was the most bizaar thing I could ever imagine. The outcome: the local sheriff NEVER dismissed the charges, we were forced several months after Adam's death to go to court. My husband plead no contest only for me, he couldn't bring himself to have me testify. I remember every moment of that morning. Every sight and sound and smell and the temperature - everything. My husband did nothing wrong, absolutely nothing. All he did was run to me and yell Adam's name. We were no way obstrucing anything how could we? We were 100 yards from Adam. To this day I cannot grasp why that had to happen. I just wanted to share that additional information, because I have never told this part of the story on here, and I believe it is an important part. My husband and I are broken, he is so severely depressed I worry for him daily. He still walks around the house in circles crying. It breaks our heart to lose our child and further breaks our heart to not be able to help our spouses as we too hurt so very much. Thanks for listening, I just needed to say it to you - T (Adam's mom)

[dwsmithrn]

Morning everyone.. I am off to work with shane on my thoughts.. Can not get rid of the turmoil in my stomach I hope I can make it I miss him so much. My mom tells me i have to be strong,,, I just dont think I can.. sharon shanes mom...

Hi sharon...i feel physically sick everyday...some days, my body hurts all over, some days my body is numb all over...every thing you are feeling is what people who have been here tells me is normal...we are in this together, unfortunately....we didn't ask for this, we don't want to be here, but we are...all we can do is hold tight with those who understand and help each other every moment...because, that is all i can live, moment to moment...i can't even think about the next day. your grief is our grief, your pain is our oain, your sadness is our sadness....i feel everything you are feeling...if i could hold your hand right now, i would...my tears never stop for my son nathan, and i know you are feeling the same way....i will think of you today....just get through it, the only way you know how....diane

[westleysmom]

Susannah-I know you're right, and I knew that was the right thing to do before you said it. Like you said, it will be hard to convince anyone that I don't think we'd be helping at this point by doing anything. I think he's just in so deep now that there's not enough money in the world to get him out of it without going before the judge and getting a sentence and serving it. I am heartbroken at my inability to do anything now. I just went to bed early last night trying not to think about it anymore. I cried for a while because of this and because I can't do anything about the problem of Westley's death. Does that make any sense? Its like everything in life is a problem, how to make a living, what to buy to eat, where to live, and you go about your day trying to solve those problems, or at least answer those questions and act on them. Then there's the problem of Westley's death, what to do about that? Why there's nothing, nothing at all that can be done. We did the immediate things, arranged a service, picked out music, all that. Bought a monument, plot, everything that had to be done. And now the problem remains that he is gone, and I still feel like I need to solve that problem. Then this problem of his friend's criminal activities that pre-date his death (this is the friend that was in jail at the time of Westley's death, the only one I am sure could have had nothing to do with what happened), I also feel helpless to solve. I have felt so inadequate since it happened, and less of a person than I thought I was, and now this. I know I'm whining now, but it just all snowballs on you some days and you feel so defeated. But we have to get back up and keep slugging away at the problems as they come and I'm so weary. I know I'm not the only one, just venting.

T-I am so sorry to hear of the terrible treatment that your husband received and his and your continued pain from it, as if you weren't in for a world of hurt the moment the wreck happened. Such a lack of empathy for someone whose world had just been shattered is hard to fathom. Peace to you friend.

Sherry-Those weathermen don't get it right very often, do they? We're looking for storms in TN tomorrow, I hope they're wrong about that too.

Kathy-I am glad that you are feeling a little bit better after making it through such a big anniversary.

Leah-I hope things get better for the grandson soon and glad you are there for him to reach out to. I'm sorry about your ex-sister-in-law.

I dread the phone call telling Westley's friends that we think we should just let the court system play out, I'm putting it off. Like I said I'm weary.

[kmb22]

Edit

[lolynbo]

T....SHOULD HAVE NEVER OF HAPPENED FROM THE TIME HE LEFT THE HOUSE WITH MONEY IN HIS POCKET FOR A GREAT FUN SCHOOL DAY TO THE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT FOLLOWED..BUT IT DID...I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW THE POLICE DID WHAT THEY DID, ANY PARENT WOULD HAVE HAD TO BE RESTRAINED TO NOT RUN TO THEIR CHILD...I NO I WOULD HAVE BEEN....SO SORRY IN THE LOSS OF YOUR SWEET ADAM THAT YOU TOO HAVE THIS O TOP OF IT FOR THE "MEMORIES"...HUGGGGGS MY FRIEND....

[Guest msnher]

Oh. My. God. After missing my appointment with Big Brothers Big Sisters several weeks in a row, I finally made it there this morning. I did my hair, put on makeup and dressed nice. I was there about 30 seconds when the anxiety became too much. The questions seemed too invasive. The Boys and Girl's club outreach that meets at the school where my grandchildren go suggested it might be a good idea for Mariah to have a big sister during her time at Boys and Girls club. I said sure. Of course. Who knew I had to get dressed. Go to an office and answer all kinds of questions...again..about what they've been through. About 10 minutes into it I told the very nice lady that I was having an anxiety attack and that if they have someone who wants to meet with Mariah while she's at the Boys and Girls club I'm fine with that, but this is becoming too invasive and it is all way too familiar and indicitive of the last two years...answering questions...always answering questions and I'm all answered out and I have to leave now. I shook her hand and told her it was nothing personal. I rushed to my car, sobbing. I sobbed all the way home. Gary is out of town. There are groceries to be put away on the counter. Dirty dishes are in the sink. There is a basket full of clothes in the living room and there is dog hair all over. There is a pile of clean clothes on the floor in my bedroom and another pile of dirty clothes. I am safe inside my bed in my nice clothes with my nice hair and I can't see what I'm writing because of the tears in my eyes. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM!!! I am not afraid to go out in public. I love people. This is true insanity. I've gone over the edge. I function for the children.

I'm staying here now, until I can gather my wits about me. Then I will clean the kitchen..it will only take about 15 minutes.

[Guest msnher]

Terri - I hope you sue the pants off that police department! What the hell!? That was a horrible thing for them to do to your husband and to you! There just aren't any words.

[dwsmithrn]

terri...amen to that...what a way treat someone in that kind of situation...were they just plain crazy? i am so sorry.....

i am getting very anxious now that it is getting close to the time we have to go to myrtle beach and board a boat and ride out the speicfied mileage to scatter nathan's ashes over the 'majestic atlantic' as he so requested in his will. i have to say my final goodbye to him. i want him to rest in peace, until i see him again....i want him to know i know he will no longer feel sadness, but i will always feel sadness....how do i get through that? this will

be ever so hard to get through....just one more step in the loss of my precious, precious second born son. march 19th, exactly 2 months after his 32nd birthday...(2 days after he left us)....always find a day or date that is not good, don't we?

i have all of you on my mind today....i hope you all can get through today, i am sure trying, but not getting too far....4 1/2 weeks just isn't long enough to think of anything else but my nathan....diane

[Guest msnher]

Cleaned the kitchen. Read something that made me belly laugh. Feel better. Feel sorry for the poor big brothers big sisters lady. I'm sure she'll remember me as the crazy lady. Shrug.

[dwsmithrn]

don't feel like a crazy lady...we all do something that makes feel like that at some point...and these reactions will carry one, over and over...i am not ashamed when i had a meltdown at the grocery store...my motto: it is what it is! i can only do what i can do at the time....hang in there great lady...you are only human with a great deal to deal with....good luck today... at least you got the kitchen cleaned up..i am still in bed....!!!!!!

[arc4ever]

Terri - I hope you sue the pants off that police department! What the hell!? That was a horrible thing for them to do to your husband and to you! There just aren't any words.

Suzanna: No we did not sue the police department. Sadly, we know of several cases where this sheriff's department has treated family of deceased people very poorly. Here is a little background on the Sheriff in our county taken from the County Sheriff's website: "A Radcliff has held the position of Pickaway County Sheriff for 66 of the past 70 years – and what has stayed in the family might remain there. Charles Radcliff served from 1931 to 1961. Four years later, his son, Dwight, beat the man who defeated his father – and has won every election since." Give you a little insight into the chances of beating them in court???? Wasn't worth it, the only reason we considered it was to make them train their deputies better. But I just couldn't do it, I just didn't have the fight left in me.

[Guest msnher]

Terri - I understand that...not having any fight left. I'm so sorry you and your husband were treated so poorly.

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmum]

Just dropped in for a bit before heading back to the ocean. Roster mix ups etc aside I will get back for an extended period soon

Terrie - I have never ever heard of such a charge let alone treatment on scene of a parent. I know that emotions run high, but emergency services here are trained to support someone in an extreme situation where scene safety may be compromised (I don't believe your husband fits this). They will usually take someone overly distressed and talk to them away from the scene. But removing a parent IN UNIFORM and processing them you gotta be kidding. Just because it seems to be a family business shouldn't give them power beyond the law. I would love to know what constitutes the charge.

I am so sorry to hear that your husband is so depressed. The colliding of lives, the parent that lost a child and the professional that services the community is something that makes this whole journey harder.

My heart to you and yours....

Our part of the world is being torn apart by Mother Nature. The beautiful South Island of New Zealand is shattered by the quakes that have hit. The majestic beauty of New Zealand is something born of volcanic action and earth quakes throughout the years. Its just one hours flying time from here. The people are amazingly giving and friendly. I went there in 96 with my mum. Prayers for those waiting to be rescued, those who have lost their lives, the community coming to terms with loss on a scale only imagined.......

Peace...Indigos

[Guest msnher]

Okay. I'm better. I picked the kids up after school instead of having them go to boys and girls club. As soon as I heard "Grandma!" I was okay. Gary's out of town so we came straight home and made pancakes for dinner. It's still early, but we have full bellys and my children are safe in my care and I don't care what the big brothers big sisters lady thinks of me.

[summergirl]

Trudi - I am so sorry for all the devastation that is taking place in the down-under. It seems as though it is happening all over the world these days. Please take care and I am praying for all.

To those of you so new here I am feeling your pain, each time I read "I cannot do this, I just want to stay in bed, I do not want to go out, I do not want to be around anyone, I want my child back, WHY, WHY did this happen" - I get thrown back into those days, I felt and did all of the things you say and feel and my heart breaks all over again.....all I can say is stay here and keep talking and listening and the day will come, even if you do not believe it now, but it will come and you will smile again, you will feel the pain has softened to a dull ache, you will laugh and feel the sunshine and you will remember your child with a smile instead of tears......there will always be tears and you will always have days where the black hole opens up and swallows you for a time but they will lessen. Right now just hold tight, do whatever you need to do to get throught the moment and never let anyone tell you that you have to be strong....you only have to be who you are in the moment and most of the time we don't even know who that is.......It has been 5 years for me and I am where I am today because of this site, the people here who have become my family.....Prayers and Hugs to all

Greg - looking forward to your website and can't wait to order...

Terri - I an so sorry for the loss of so many young ones in your area......my heart goes out to all the families and huge prayers being sent.

Peace, strength and love to all Indigo's, Kathy

MY GIRL

[crystalann]

I dont understand why I can look at all the pics of Tyler young and smile,but all the more recent ones I cannt even look at. My oldest daughter came today with her husband and my grandson with Tyler's girlfriend and made me go to lunch.It is hard to go any where in our small town everyone knew him.My oldest is having a hard time and I dont know how to help.She just called and said the baby wont stop crying and she couldnt take it anymore.She is bringing him to me a couple of days maybe that will help her get a chance to cry,and give me something to do

[charsng1234]

I had such a meltdown at work today I felt such a weight on my heart and the butterflys were so bad today.I made it though!!! I am so sad to hear what happen to terri's husband.. I thought the cops were bad here,, I am so sorry for not only the loss but the way your family was treated. Trudi I hope the weather gets better down that way trudi I pray for all the people down there. Sunannah I am glad your granbabies cheered you up I know somedays are so hard. I am just hoping time will close my wound just a little. I want to smile agin without the tears so close.. Night all.. Sharon Shanes mom...

[rlolheiser]

I picked up my grandson today... he asked me to come get him.. begged.. I did.. it is just til May maybe... I am tired.. I took mom to the lung dr and she is doing pretty well. then run... one plus is I got to visit JaBoa's grave.. how I miss her...

I don't know what the future holds.. but I have to do what I can.. I need to be there for the kids...

Wishing you all peace... wishing me a good night sleep ;-)... tomorrow is another day and I have lots to do

[Guest msnher]

I want to offer more to all of you than I am able tonight. My brain is fried and my thoughts seem incoherent, so I am just sending love and light.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Leah , Sus and Kathy you are all such kind, compasionate , giving Grand mas Your grandchildren are oh so fortunate to be in your care

I do not want to neglect any kind loving Indigo, so I must add that all the Indigo parents that i have found here are so very, loving, giving and generous and ,accepting:

Sherry, Betsy, Dee, Trudi, Sherry, Rhonda, Karen, Sharen, Karen, Crystal, Colleen. Sonya, Diane, Christy Dan, Trudi and the honorary Sir Mutley all help to make this place a warm safe comfortable sitting room to visit and chat as Sherry indicates

Diane, Shanes mom,Tyler'smom and all the new members-- please keep coming back and sharing the pain It does help

I caused great drama in my family today . I always thought that no one really paid attention to my coming and going and never check in on any one. I was scheduled to be at my sisters yesterday at 2 30. I did not arrive (the train was delayed one hour) She called my home NO answer, She called my brother in NY No he did not know where I was--He called his son the cop who drove in a police car to my home Made security open my apartment and No I was not there. Calls flying all over NJ and NY looking for me I am sitting on the train not even thinking to call and tell them there is a delay. I arrive at her house 1 hour late and she is a basket case, as its the entire family Either they really over react or I need to be more aware of my actions Maybe a little of both

Rest well Indigos

[ericasmom]

I have been busy busy all day and unable to connect with you all, so tired now but quickly before I sleep:

Trud, prayers are constant for the folks of South Island. Terribly sad footage from there. Love you.

Terri, I cried when I read what the police did to your Husband. My Goodness, how could that be okay with any of them there? How did a judge allow that as well? None of that makes sense. I am so sorry Dear. I am glad that you are voicing it however, and as you come to that third mark of the passage of time, we hold you close. I know the anxiety that is so prevalent before an anniversary, so please take good care of you. Have you ever given thought to, or maybe you have done this, a scholarship in Adam's memory for a student in the drama department, or a track athlete? My friend joan lost her boy a year and a half prior to our losing Eri, Josh and Eri knew each other. Josh had just gone away to college, so Joan set up a scholarship fund to allow a student each year whose interests are the environment, like Josh, to have a monetary award in the memory of Joshua.

It makes Joan happy to know that others will do the work that Josh hoped to do. prayers for you and husband, and many thoughts and prayers to the families in your area who are suffering the loss of the many teens in car accidents. We know don't we.

Rhonda, I agonize with you on this, I know I would be stuck as well. I would not be able to make the call either, not until I was fully sure that my decision is made. Even then, telling him this is harder than hard. Perhaps you can start a small account in his name that he can access when he is out. Maybe that last 50.00 can go into an account with his name on it and draw some interest while he sits his time out. But one thng sure, it is not your job to save him from himself, we cannot save others from the habits that they have developed. Hopefully, he will learn to save himself.

Tyler's Mom, it is normal to not be able to look at photos right now. One day yes, not until it feels like the thing to do. It was some time before I could. Everyone at their own time. I hope your Daughter finds ways to deal with this loss. There is a great memoir about a girl losing her brother, Name All the Animals, by Alison Smith. It may help her to see a story of a girl missing her brother. A great book on grief too is The Worst Loss, two moms write about their losses. Blessings.

Sadmom, Diane, hang on, just hang on adn breathe adn rest and take walks, and rest and hang on some more. Even though you may not want to, please know that we operate minute to minute for some time, then hour to hour. Let yourself know that you are doing just as we all have. Promise.

Goodnight all, Sus, sleep well, give the kids a hug from me. I like knowing that they ran to you when they saw you back two years ago.

Love to All,

dee

[ericasmom]

Betty, you were worried over, it is odd when one is so independent isn't it? We expect to come and go to our own beat, not others.

Leah, I am glad that you have your Grandboy, he is in a safe haven now. I know it is more work, but he needed his Grammy.

[Guest msnher]

Betty, what a gift your family gave you. They let you know under no uncertain terms that they care. Love to your precious heart!!!

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, man, I just had a long post and just as I went to post it, I hit the wrong button....grrrrrrrr........I hate it when I do that! I am too tired now to redo it, so just will say that I am thinking of everyone and sending love and prayers. So many new people here, and I am so sorry for your loss...were are here for you, we all walk together on this road...will try to catch up tomorrow.

[mikesmum]

Betty - Oh my goodness what a kuffuffel you have caused. I'm sorry but I did smile. But you are right, we don't seem to think anyone will notice if we are a bit late or not where we said we would be. Glad you are okay, sorry about the train system.

Carol - Arrrrgggggghhhhhhh that feeling when you hit the button and the screen comes back blank.. Wish this site had and undo button that reinstates the post. Thinking of you as Monday comes round...

Sus - I so get it. On my darkest days hearing 'granma' from one of the grandies would bring me back.

Kathy - love those pics of your Jess.

Am helping Em with homework online tonight. She had to interview someone over 40 (who me)? There were three areas she asked about. My travel, my education, my family. One question was about a significant memory from school. I told her the day man landed on the moon we were watching it in the science wing. Well, she couldn't stop laughing...a man on the moon ha ha ha. Once the giggles died down I explained that it was in the time when America put a man into space and on the moon. She had no idea.

She asked about my trips in 09. She asked why I chose America, was it because my friends are there? My answer, my very special friends are there..

I want to offer more to all of you than I am able tonight. My brain is fried and my thoughts seem incoherent, so I am just sending love and light

Sometimes just seeing the smiling faces of other angels and wishes for love and light is all one might need.....

Wrapping all those who are still waiting for news in NZ with that love and light.

[Guest msnher]

Good Morning, Indigo's!

I hope you were all able to get some rest. How well I remember those first few months of no sleep or interrupted sleep. I dreaded going to sleep because it took me one day further away from Stephanie. But, once I was asleep I didn't want to wake up. Grief is a contradiction of emotions.

Grief seems to be a power unto itself. It demands our respect, much the same way a tsunami does. It will NOT be ignored. Just when we think we know the rules of grief, or at least the way to survive, it changes it's game plan. The only words of comfort and advice I can offer is you don't walk alone. You are not tossed to and fro by yourself. We are all here...taking the ride together.

"You killed her". That about sums up my prayer life for the last year and a half. I've had some fantastic signs and/or manifestations but have continued to mutter those three words. They became a mantra or chant. Until Micheal's visit. It lasted only a moment but nothing has had a greater impact on my life, thus far. I've always believed that the whole reason for being human is to learn to love and forgive unconditionally, but I have not been able to pull it off, because...well, I'm human. But, Micheal's visit - his smile - inches from my face SHOWED me the strength of love and forgiveness. And, to forgive my inability to forgive.

It's like trying to wash filthy hands with just water and being told that if you use soap they will clean better and faster and you believe it but you don't pick up the bar of soap...and, someone comes along and turns into soap and penetrates your hands and you watch in amazement as the dirt disappears...and, you get it. You realize that soap was the missing substance to clean hands. But, you still don't quite know how to pick up the soap. Or it isn't a habit enough that you have to try to wash your hands with just water and get frustrated because it's taking so long and there has to be an easier way, and then you remember the soap and the goes on again and you pick up the soap.

That's a stupid analogy. But, I lack the vocabulary to explain it.

Since my visit from Micheal, "You killed her"....has been follwed with, "No. I don't believe that's true. I know you didn't kill her. I know you didn't even take her. But, I've been saying it for so long, it's a habit. Please be patient with me as I learn to redirect my thoughts and words." Last night I even followed with, "For whatever reason she isn't here anymore, I want to thank you for the time I had with her and thank you for allowing ME to be her mother. Please help me not fail her children."

Micheal's quick visit showed me what CAN be. It will take a lot of retraining of my thoughts to get there.

It is snowing again....lightly. It looks like someone opened a jar of white fireflies.

Peace.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Betty

Your story made me smile. My Mom used to do that. I would stop over when I said I would and she would not be there and she did not lock her door (old school). After I informed her (several times) that it is important to me that when you say you will be somewhere - you are there or call or note or smoke signals. Too funny - made me laugh

Thanks Betty

Colleen

[shorty16]

Terri

The story of how the police treated your husband is beyond my comprehension. I cannot even think of something to write to respond to that?

Spring is coming and I know you and your husband enjoy motorcycle riding. The sun on your face should lift our spirits a bit.

My heart hurts for your husband. I am without words now. Know that I am sending my love and I hurt with you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever