Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

WELL THE DRESS WAS A BUST...COLOR WAS DULL AND NOT PRETTY IN PERSON...WHAT A LET DOWN...WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE IN MIND..BUT.....

KIMBERLY FOUND THESE PICS ALSO OF KOURTNEY...WANTED TO SHARE WITH YAL...NEXT SUNDAY IS HER 25TH BIRTHDAY......TODAY IS MY NEPHEWS BDAY...WHICH THEY LOVED HAVING A WEEK APART...I NO IM NOT THE ONLY ONE IN A DARK PLACE RIGHT NOW...I PRAY YAL FIND SUNLIGHT SOMEWHERE,,,,

[kmb22]

Lorri - I love the pics. Sorry about the dress...it really did look beautiful in the pictures. Ah well, maybe her next choice will be a little more reasonably priced?

[lolynbo]

YES THE ONE WERE LOOKING AT NOW IS $100 LESS....SHE WAS A GOOD SPORT ABOUT IT...ALOT LIKE KOURTNEY NOTHING BOTHERS HER...(BROOKE)...THANK YOU I LOVE THE NEW OLD PICS...BUT LIKE I SAID SO HARD TO LOOK AT...AS I SAID WHEN I FIRST LOST HER..."ITS LIKE IVE LOST MORE THEN JUST ONE KOURTNEY...ADULT MARRIED KOURTNEY, MY CO WORKER KOURTNEY, RACING KOURTNEY, BABY KOURTNEY....ETC...I KNOW YAL UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING

[aim630]

JaBoa,JaBoa,JaBoa...Happy Heavenly Birthday!!!

May your love shine on your Grandma, Mom & family. Let them feel your presence today.

Leah-thinking of you today, sending hugs & prayers your way.

[sadmomm]

Karen thanks for the pep talk it is true we are all very different .. raised differently and raised our children differently. And each child is unique as my brother and I are totally different. I have changed a lot!! I am sorry your mom was a bit peculiar. The boys were raised in a party house with their dad after they moved up there.Anything goes. I gave them a good bit of discipline not enouph fun. I wasn't haveing it myself. DUMB But I do believe they always had fun Lee is four years younger than Morgan and Morgan had fun beating on him.. well you know how they are. When we just saw Lee he said something about Morgan holding his head in the snow and he couldn't do anything. Well Lee got bigger than Morgan.... But I would give anything to be Lee... Knowing Morgan like that all that time spent together. I got divorced when Morgan was 5 and Lee an infant. That was kind of dumb too. I had cass in the car 5 years later. With the neighbor driving. Thank god she survived.

Now cass wants me to move out.. WEll Rick and I have been back and forth for 2 years. But I told her it was in her best interest if we stayed together. She has reason to feel this way and I honor her opinion. Says I am not a mom never been a mom doesn't want her kids to be around me.She is 16 (everyone believes Rick and I should get divorced.) Ricks family is very stuck up. Very bigt in my reason for moving here. But I have paid the ultimate price. The guilt is unbearable. I truly feel I killed my son. I played such a crucial role in his psychie.. Weird because my other son says it wasn't my fault. His dad says it wasn't my fault...I can't change any of it now. I can't bring my son back from the dead. Morgan didn't get what he deserved. and I failed him. Even his best friends mom says we all failed him.. I thought I had forever and I undermined what he was going through. I thought he was just making excuses for not working. And in a lot of ways he was and probably always would. I figured he was just going to be like that. His birthmark gave him the ability to get disability.... But it is not enouph money to survive. He had bought a car. I had talked to him that week and he wanted to know if I was coming up for his birthday... I told him I didn't know I didn't think I had enouph money.....

I don't know why your son won't talk to you. I never had that problem. thank goodness.

What was your child like?Your beautiful Shawn. I know it will make you cry. Your loss hasn't been as long as mine. Though it seems to have gotten worse not better. I was thinking about Lee some today. He just had a birthday 21 years old. I am glad you spoiled your child. I wish I had spoiled My beautiful Morgan His dad did a lot for him. I thought I had time. I was a fool...I am sorry this is all very distressing. and unfixable. and sad.. you know carrie

[ericasmom]

Karen, writing helps us to figure out our steps, when you say you hadn't intended to write what you did, it was kind of discovery as you write. That is why I love to write, to find out sometimes, just how I feel about something. I am sorry that your Mom could not be Mom-like. My mom did not protect me from my dad, and as much as she later swore she did not know, she too was abused by her step-dad and nobody protected her. Classic. My mom chose to stay with my dad after finding out that my niece too was abused by him, and said that I made the whole thing up and brain washed my niece. So my parents disowned me when Eri was two months old because I said that my kids could not be near them unless my mom would come to see them without dad. She refused and therefore let go of me and the kids. At that time, my first husband and I were not doing well, he was drinking daily back then adn I felt very alone but swore that I would always do things differently than my mom did. So I built a life with my kids that I will forever be grateful for having. We went many places in chicagoland, parks, beaches, museums, and also spent time in our own great neighborhood, actively living our lives. (my mom hardly left the house when we were kids, never took me to a park, ever, nor read me a book). So definitely, we try to do our best in all we do and definitely, no matter how we do things, there wil be regrets. In my life with my kids, I did not put emphasis on school work, but huge empahsis on social justice and being a good citizen, friendships, but I did not insist as I should have with school work. ERi really suffered from that because when we really needed her to buckle down, she had no idea how to do so. Her learning disabilities were significant, and my lack of giving her a set daily schedule for school work was a detriment. OH well, nothing I can do about that now, she did have a good life, filled to the brim with joy and friends, but she did have self-esteem issues with school.

It is cold and dark gray outside and raining. The kind of weather that gets into your veins adn makes you cold.

[mikesmum]

Lynn - I'm with you Grieving.com doesn't have the same 'pull' or 'comfort' as Beyond Indigo....Beyond the darkness, beyond the loss, beyond my old life......

Something dot com....seems just a little to 'impersonal'.

Just my bit

Leah - Thinking of your beautiful

JaBoa,JaBoa,JaBoa

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,........SWEET JaBoa.. Send a little thought and smile down to

your grandma, mom, and all the rest of the family, from your pink angel cloud.

Karen----Your story of your mom was sad. As you say, sometimes it is so hard to put lives on the best

track when there are family traumas in the past. Also, sorry that your younger son is not speaking to

you right now. That must be difficult and painful. I pray that in due time, he may have second thoughts

about being on the 'outs' with you, and will again talk to you and be friendly. We love our kids, and as

we know......there is no real 'manual' on how to fix things that go wrong, so we play it by ear, and then

sometimes it doesn't work out right. I'm sorry. Peace to you.

Dee-----I agree.....I believe that no matter who we are....we all have some regrets about decisions we

have made in our relationships with our kids and others in our lives. I believe that regret is part of the

human condition, and very few people can escape having regrets. You mentioned ERi had some issues

with self-confidence at one time, and David also had some. He was shy and gentle, and sometimes

kids/people take that as a sign of weakness etc. In my half-wake hours before daylight, today, I was

thinking (dreaming ? ) of our lives now......we who have lost our beloved children.....and how it is like

a road that my husband and I drove down just a few days ago. It said ' NO OUTLET' , and I said that

we shouldn't go down, but you know.....my husband had to see what was down there. Well....at the

end.....woods on boths sides......ditches full of water.....there was no place to turn around, and we

had to back the car up for a few hundred yds. until we came to a place to turn around and get out of

there. This happened ....(not a dream.) BUT.....in my dream/thoughts (or whatever they were),.....I felt

like it is this way with us. No place to turn around, and go back to the way it was 'before'.....as much

as we would like to do that. Maybe the dead end road incident brought on the dream....who knows.

We can only move forward, I guess. Isn't this the craziest thing I dreamed ???

Lorri----Dear sweet pic of Kourtney when she was little.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[sadmomm]

Dee I am so glad you were so good to your kids. I was always there for them. Always. Of course we went outside a lot we lived on a farm. So the boys and cass had lots of dogs and cats. I put them in Karate for a while. We built a house got them out of the trailer. I homeschooled Morgan because the school system was terrible. And then freaked out when he started doing pot. Like an ass I did it. But mom was very lenient. She was in a bad marriage. Dad just wasn't available. In his own little world. I was let go at a very early age. Thank god I didn't die. So of course I switched up. I was not lenient like mom anything goes. I love her but goodness you have to parent your kids. My relationship with Rick was very bad. I needed help.. I really should have gone to the councelor. I didn't realize he had this character flaw until i moved here and he was around all the time... So i picked him. he is the father of my beautiful daughter. he is a good dad and moving here allotted him that luxury he works here in a garage he built building wrecks

I need some help being a better mom to my daughter. She is 16. I really feel like I don't know what to do. She is grown. I really feel like me and Rick staying together is in her best interest. And mine. I came back. We are going to make an agreement. But I am not without fault at all. I have left here countless times and was desperate and lived with a friend... I am totally to blame I made all the choices when we moved here. And like a ding dong counted on him with that semi...Cassidys life has been really good here. Yep she's seen us in unbearable situation... she's learned from it also. She has a lot to learn in life

I screwed up my life. And it is not that screwed up. But knowing had i made different choices it could have been so different. Burns me but it doesn't matter. Like with the kids I did what i thought ....

It is all going to be ok. For now I know what is most important. Memories. and LOve that is what the rest of my life is going to focus on.

Dee I am also sorry you didn't have your parents as grandparents to love and nurture your babies. I didn't get too much of that either not for the same reasons but like i said dad was unavailable mom had moved... I think the children that grow up with all that extra love are blessed. Morgans favorite granny died when he was 9

[shorty16]

I see this site has been re-named to Grieving.com

That seems negative to me. When I tell people I am on a site with other grieving parents, they think all we talk about is the death of our children. But that is not true. We talk about their lives, our lives and how we are living through this.

I love this site.

We have about 4-5 inches of snow on the ground. Now it is raining ice. We took Aaron out driving in this. We try to take these opportunities. He did quite well. AJ's car is small and is pushed around by the big snow piles.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

I had a post written and lost it when Amanda called me....The doctors in New Hampshire have a name for what she was born with and what's wrong with her back and I googled, losing my post, then I lost the medical name they gave her. Oh bother! (Pooh)

A rose by any other name is still a rose. We will always be Indigo's. We were informed way back when that our name would be changing when they merged with Grieving.com. We survived not one, but TWO moves...we will survive this. (she says as she realizes she has no idea what she's talking about.)

Oh, mothers! I adored mine. I remember staring at her and thinking she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I loved to hear her sing. She loved to play. It was my mother who taught me how to climb trees, inspect caves, and dance. Boy, did she love to dance! She was a small woman...maybe about 5'2" .. and barely a 100 pounds. She made many mistakes, but none of her mistakes shook my adoration and loyalty towards her. I brisled when I would hear people in our small town call her a bigomist. Call her the town drunk in front of me and I came out swinging. If anyone confronted her about not taking care of her kids I defended her. I defended her when we were put in foster homes, even though it would take her eight months to even know we were gone. Foster parents tried to talk to me about what I wanted to be when I grew up and I'd stick my chin out and declare I wanted to be just like my mother. Defending her was the only time I dared stand up against my first foster mother. She said I was a loser just like my mother. I was ten yrs old. She (my foster mom) enjoyed my defiance. She got that evil grin on her face loving the challenge I placed before her. Of course I would be black and blue all over by the time she was through with me, but I would not give her the pleasure of speaking telling her she was right about my mother and apologizing for back talk. I remained loyal to her when my social worker informed me my mother had a severe speech impediment. It was true, of course, but it was rude to say so. I wouldn't see or hear from my mother again until I was almost 18yrs old. I would be 33 before I could accept that she was incapable of being my mommy. She would be dead for two years before I would be able to see clearly the acts of love she bestowed on me. The time she borrowed $66.38 so I would have money to go to Salt Lake. Amanda was 11 yrs old. She had to have surgery in Salt Lake. We were at the airport. "ANNIE!" I hear my mother's shrill yell as she ran to me. She stuffed the money into my hand. She found a ride to the airport. "I hurried as fast as I could." She said. I found her a place to live at the same apartment complex where I worked so she would be closer to me. She brought me food all the time. Mothers are supposed to bring their children food, right? (chuckle)....Once she brought in a pound of raw bacon...out of the package...she marched right up to my desk, ignoring the prospective tenants sitting across from me and slammed the bacon on the corner of my desk. "There!" She glared at me and marched out. I just smiled at the tenants, hoping I could still close the deal, and said.."That's my mother. She must think I need bacon." And, I got up and put it in the kitchen. She showed her anger towards me by bringing me miniature marshmellows. Once there were four bags sitting in the kitchen of my workplace. "Geeze, Susannah," Said one of our maintenance men "What did you do to her?" Who knew? We just ate them. She tried to shoot me with a banana once. The last food she ever brought to me was a bottle of mustard, mayonaise and a bag of macaroni. Gifts from my mother. My sisters think she brought the food because she felt so guilty that we went hungry as children. She took her last breath in my arms in December 2008. Yes, I adored my mother. Thinking of her still brings a smile to my face. My love for my mother made life quite difficult for every foster mother I lived with. Only the first was abusive...the rest really tried.

When her dementia took full hold and she was living in the nursing home, she thought all of the people were me. After one year she was kicked out of the nursing home here in Casper because she kept getting into fights. I would get about three calls a week because she slugged someone. She never knew who I was when I went to see her, but she was polite about it and would introduce me to her girl, Ann...(me). Once she had a lucid moment while we sat around a table. She looked shocked and pointed at me saying, "You're Annie!" I was so excited. "Yes, Mom, I am!" She looked at the other patient sitting across from her and said, "Well who the hell is that!?" LOL Then one time Jennifer and I were visiting her and we were singing "You are my sunshine" and my mother stopped, moved her face within a few inches of mine and took my face in her hands. "You're as beautiful now as you were the day you were born." Then she was gone again.

Hmmm. I'm sure she is a strong, beautiful spirit now.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom ... Annie is my family nickname

[aim630]

Christy, Deanna & Amy Lyn-I'm sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm glad you found us. I hope you all will share more of your children's lives with us, and that we can support you, like the others on here have supported me over the past year.

Carrie-We all made mistakes, and regret them now. We all thought we had an entire lifetime to get things right with our kids, but fate stepped in, and now all we have is memories. I'm sure Morgan loved you very much (as do your other kids), and knows that you loved him & only wanted what was best for him. I find myself still being short with my husband & daughter, and then I think what if something happens to one of them, and this is the last moment I have with them? The bottom line is, we are all human, and not perfect. I'm sure every one of us here would change something about the way we raised our kids. Please don't be so down on yourself & your choices. Like Karen said, we weren't given an instruction book.

Carol-I went to Mike's website, and read some of the stories there. I could not listen to the song Cathi sung though, that song has always made me cry, even before Ashley died. I love how you all went to Fenway for Mike's birthday, and loved the picture of Mike dressed as a little girl for Easter!

Looking forward to a day off tomorrow to just do nothing but spend time with Katie at home. I scheduled this day off after her breakdown when the weather was bad a few weeks ago. Then she tells me she would like to spend some time with her best friend Jenna tomorrow, because Jenna is going through a bad time! Oh well, I'm glad she wants to be there for her friend. I also have the next 2 Mondays off, to take Katie on college visits. I don't know if my boss realized it when she approved the vacation days, that I was taking 3 Mondays off in a row (of course I did not bring that fact up to her, just asked for the days).

On a lighter note-I made chicken enchiladas tonight. While we were eating, I noticed the cats kept jumping up on the counter. They never get on the counters, because they are not allowed to. I wondered why they kept jumping up there. Then I realized, instead of using dried cilantro in the enchiladas, I used catnip > I spilled a little and had not cleaned it up yet(they were both in baggies in the cupboard, just picked the wrong bag!). I quickly looked it up, and catnip is not harmful to humans, in fact some use it for home remedies. I threw the leftovers out though!

Thinking of everyone...I read everything I missed over the past day and one half and wish I could respond to you all.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Amy - Let us know if the catnip has the same effect on you as it does on cats...

[lolynbo]

JUST THINKING OUT LOUD.."WHY DIDNT THEY RENAME THE PAGE...BARELY SURVIVING, CAN HARDLY FRICKIN BREATHE, HELL, WHY WHY WHY?"

[charsng1234]

I found my way here again today.. I am having such a hard time right at this very moment, my heart aches so very much I have no clue what I am doing or even if I want to do it!! I cant talk to my family they dont get it.. I died the day they told me my son was gone. I have to learn how to live all over agin. I am terrified I can't do it! My family tells my I will be the same sharon But anyone on this site knows different. I had to write so I could work through this pain in my chest.. Let me tell you about my shane.. He was a handson boy brown hair hazel eyes, He loved his friends dearly they could do no wrong in his eyes. Me and shane had are problems he was 22 and a man. But he was my little boy!!He loved football played it since he was little.. The packers were his team.. His number on his football jersey was always 17.When he smiled or wined he could get anything he wanted from me.. I just wished he picked his friends better, Not all but the ones he was with when he died..But my shane believed they all loved him, at his viewing it was standing room only I had ppl get up and talk about shane I could tell he touched alot of ppl in this town. I just know he is my heart, and I do not know how to push on.. Thanks for listening.. shanes mom forever..

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I so admire all my entire Indigo Family- and appreciate your sharing of your own childhood, the joys and pain

Sus Each time you share about your mom I smile and treasure your spirit and the power of your heart to love

Dee I lived the same life in my early marriage with only one Child -- I visited all the wonderful places in the City to try to be a perfect mom and to stay out of a house where alcohol was beginning to rule. I thought that was a difficult time in my life I had no idea what I would have to endure when my life's blood, my soul, my spirit, my reason for being, Stephen was taken . I could never think of being here without him-- I thought at one time that he would be better off without me as a mom because I could not solve the problem in my marriage.

I found al anon and that helped me to regain my self.Thank God I found yall and have support on this unknown road to our new "Normal" No turning back

Leah I smiled when you shared your dream regarding Dee tucking you in I do believe that I do feel that she comes in at the end of the day and saying goodnight and in a way it is tucking us in.

Amy Catnip as a seasoning Let us know how it worked!!! I took cat antibiotic once by mistake It caused a major itching rash but nothing else It did not cure my cold

Betsy Loved the picture of your lovely daughter She does resemble your handsome Rich

Sherry Love hearing about your birds and wildlfe and your remembering Davey and his gentle kind spirit I understand that road - no place to turn around and go back to the "way we were" We can go forward hand in hand listening to each other and sharing our hearts.

Shanesmom I hear you and we all understand your powerful pain Please try to share here, drink water,( as Dee always suggests )and know you are not alone.

Trudi, Kathy Rhonda, Crystal, Karen, Sharon,Colleen, Lorri and all Indigos have a Blessed evening

[lolynbo]

I DID ENJOY NASCAR TODAY AND THE DOORS OPEN AND MY 2 MILE WALK AT CEMETERY WITH THE BOYS...75' TODAY THANK GOD...MY SOLAR ANGEL FROM WALGREENS...

[ericasmom]

See there Lorri, you have your beautiful angel and Nascar to be making you happy. Lord I know what you mean though, Grieving.com is a boring and generic name for what we do here, and no offense as well, it just does not state what we are, who we are, and how we survive. I love the name Beyond Indigo...it is beyond blue, way beyond blue, and each time I think of the name Beyond Indigo, I think of Picasso in his blue period of painting, brought to it by the death of his dearest friend, captured and living in a beyond blue world. I guess I just never thought the new name would offend my sensabilities.

Betty aren't you the sweetest, it is funny that you say that about me tucking you all in because that is what I feel our Babies do for us, that they steal in and make sure of us...

Anyhow, thanks. Yes, I can picture you and Stephen seeing the world together, the many parks and streets, the subways and bagel shops...the squirrels and birds watching you as you came and went. Lovely picture but I am sorry that drinking was what also drove you out of the house.

SHaron, hang on, the fact that you fear not making it says a lot, it says you want to make it. I want you to make it, and I dearly believe that Shane does as well. You are so new to this journey, most of us did not join as early as you, you are reaching out in a way that says, " I need to find ways to make it." Nothing in the world hurts more than this time. One day it will hurt differently, it will allow for other feelings, thoughts, and you will actually look forward to things again. This could seem obscene to you at this point, but to live again in this new life, you will find your footing, the base of you is still there, but vast changes have occured and they are still evolving. There is no way at this time for you to know what it is you will want to do, right now it is simply (not really simply at all) to eat, drink a lot of water to replace the tears, and hold on to us, to your soul, to the memory of one so dear.

Sherry, the whole experience on the road with your Husband and backing up lent itself well to the dream-state. Forward we go Sweet Sherry, you and me on the road to our 8th mark of time with our Babies gone...and we find our way in the light of them and the love of each other here.

Carrie, just hang on Sister, you will find a way to survive and live a life that you can feel empowered by. I am holding you.

Amy, the catnip story made me laugh out loud, sounds so much like something I too would do. So how did it taste? Tooo funny.

love to all, dee

[Guest msnher]

Dee said, "One day it will hurt differently". Well said!

[westleysmom]

Just lost a long post about why I haven't had much to say lately. Westley's friends are all having a hard time right now, and I can't help them all, or feel like I am. Some have legal problems, some money problems, some school problems. I know Westley would want me to help them, and I try, but I just can't take them all on. The one I would have given my life for is already gone. I know it sounds like I don't want to help them, but that's not it. Most of their problems are self inflicted, and they need to grow up and act like adults. But that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it, because I know if he was here, Westley would give them the last 50 bucks he had if he thought it would help. But he's not here, and my heart is already broken, and I don't think I can let them destroy what if left of it.

I am sorry for the new people here, I haven't been able to focus on anything the last few days. This is the only place I feel like I'm understood and I know it will be that way for you too.

Goodnight all, love to you all and sweet dreams of our babies

[sadmomm]

Amy thanks for the encouragement. It has been a very hard year to say the least. No one wants to loose their child. And it hurts like no other hurt. day in day out.. Morgan did love me and the other kids do also. Lee has been very loving to me.. We talked for a while today about me and him and morgan. My husband took advantage of me when we moved and I made horrible choices. They are all done But .... Someone said they died one time but you keep doing it over and over again. I don't push it out. It wakes me up.... The regret will fade time will heal. But now it is as open as a fresh cut. I will do like dee says and live a life that i can feel empowered by. Life will never be the same without that special person in it. He was different than the rest of us. we are all kind of ho hum.. I do believe he lived. ONce they were climbing a tree one above the other. i made them get down but what if the top one had fallen on the bottom?? I made morgan a power ranger suit one year for halloween he loved power rangers and ninja turtles. How can he be gone. My heart forever broken

Susannah neat story about your mom. I love my mom too. she could have taught me so much more.... I am going to live the rest of my life with vacations cookouts and memories.Morgan had issues with me and he was right I was an idiot. But they are young and I was selfish. Not really selfish just trying desperately to be happy... Well really selfish not prioritizing believing in someone other than myself.

Sharon thanks for telling me about shane. How did you pick his name.? When I was pregnant with Morgan Phil picked Morgan for a boy and Rhiannon for a girl. so when that song plays it is almost like morgans song. I did think I had forever just like you. I am so sorry. I don't know what to do with myself either. The sadness just kind of debilitates. We watched a movie Charlie st Cloud it was sad have you seen it.? Even secretariat had death in it. It is very dominant in movies. Because for those who have experienced it there is nothing on earth worse. 17 was his number... I wish Morgan had had a number. He played a little soccer. That movie had sail boats in it and reminded me what i should have been doing with morgan instead of moving here. My brother craig said morgan said to grandad would you please get this boat up right... They took a trip ended up running out of food....Dad did do that stuff a bit he flew an airplane and bought a sailboat when he and mom divorced. It is so sad now he has alzheimers. be kind on yourself i know it is hard to do. carrie

[dlj0403]

Rhonda, I so can relate with what you are saying. I have several of Jenna's high school friends and sorority sisters that call me "momma dee". And I want to help them but sometimes it is so draining...and confusing too. The hardest one for me was helping her best friend last year with her wedding. I went in to the kitchen and cried so hard and took it out on the frozen punch.

Take care of yourself,

Deanna

Just lost a long post about why I haven't had much to say lately. Westley's friends are all having a hard time right now, and I can't help them all, or feel like I am. Some have legal problems, some money problems, some school problems. I know Westley would want me to help them, and I try, but I just can't take them all on. The one I would have given my life for is already gone. I know it sounds like I don't want to help them, but that's not it. Most of their problems are self inflicted, and they need to grow up and act like adults. But that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about it, because I know if he was here, Westley would give them the last 50 bucks he had if he thought it would help. But he's not here, and my heart is already broken, and I don't think I can let them destroy what if left of it.

I am sorry for the new people here, I haven't been able to focus on anything the last few days. This is the only place I feel like I'm understood and I know it will be that way for you too.

Goodnight all, love to you all and sweet dreams of our babies

[ericasmom]

HI Deana, Hi Rhonda, nope, you can't fix all of the issues that confront the friends of your Little Love. It is a hard line to walk as you want to be in thier lives, it is so good to still be in them, but you cannot do what your Child did in his/her life. Westley would give him the last 50.00 if he thought it would help is what West would do, and it was who he was/is in your lives, but you are his Momma, not him. You do have to protect your hearts. We cannot be responsible for the lives and success and failures of others. We can hope and pray, give good council, listen well, but we cannot fill the shoes of the one gone. It is nice though, when the kids come to be with you, YOU the Parent of their dear friend. That they involve you and feel that it may feel good for you to be around them, and it feels good to them, to be around and see in you the qualities of their friend. I miss Eri's friends, I still have contact but at this point, most of the kids are turning 27, they were 19 when Eri died. I see the kids much less frequently now, but we do stay in touch.

Sus, I love the idea of full summer school for the kids, what a good school you are hooked up with. SO did the docs on the east coast have any suggestions for your Girl now that they have named this condition/conditions? I sure hope it means that they can help alleviate some of the negatives. Sleep tight.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I would like to weigh in on name change -----I love that we are "The Indigo Family" and that our Angels are "Indigo Angels' no matter what new name the Board claims, we will always be the" Indigos "in my heart.

I woke up this morning to a "beautiful view of new white fallen snow covering everything. I am amazed that even after this hard snowy winter, I am still touched by the beauty of the new snow. I am impressed by the silence of the world and how it just seems to glimmer, sparkles and shines on all that it touches. I think of Stephen and all our BI angels knowing all the secret and beauty of this universe and I still miss his SMILE, HIS LAUGH AND HIS SPIRIT terribly.

Colleen, Dee, Sherry, Kathy, Sus, Karen, Carol I hope you are not to snowed in and that digging out will not be difficult

I attached a picture of me in Central Park yesterday It was beautiful I saw the Hawk who lives there as well as many Robins and Blue Jays Such magnificent colors(Thank goodness they were not in the same area). Dee, Betsy and Sherry I know you could have captured their beauty on film but my camera cannot zero in on such a small target . You are stuck with me and Peter.

MY little squirrel is still alive and thriving- so I must run and see if I can find her before the snow gets too high for the day.

Be well Indigos

[hotrod]

I am sorry my picture did not attach. I will try again and if I am not successful --believe me the park was lovely

Trudi I know this is nothing like the Beach and Mutley but this is what you are missing

[shorty16]

OK Indigos, This is just too wierd

Saturday was gorgeous; sunny and a light breeze. I did some yard work and took Copper (Brian's dog) to the local park. (Copper will be 10 years old on March 12)

Sunday it went through all the forms water can take other than steam: snow, rain, ice, sleet, hail - no sun. And the weather is just as bad today.

Mother nature is teasing us (especially up here, in WI)

Love to my fellow indigo and our angels

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Goodmorning Indigo's!

Before I forget (because I forget everytime) I didn't even know Indigo was a color. Or at least didn't know that's what it meant. I thought it was representative of beyond the valley of the shadow of death. Beyond surviving. Not beyond the loss, because we are never beyond that. As for the name Grieving.com. It just seems like a non issue. As long as we're together, I don't care what they call it. I do appreciate that the administrators have done everything possible to keep this site up and running for us. When I found Beyond Indigo I didn't google indigo. I googled Grief. That is how desperate people will find us. And, while we are here to help everyone survive the death of their child, it is imperative that we be here for those new to the loss. We have to hold a lantern lighting the way. We can't stop them from falling in the pot holes, the gapping holes, running into brick walls, or sinking in the quicksand. But, we can be right there holding the light so they know they can take another step, another breath. That is how I see our purpose. I don't think that there are more children dying than in the past, there are just more parents looking for strength sooner. It also has to be okay to take a break. There are no rules here. But, this is the one place we can come and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about our child. We also talk about God, mothers, books, sewing, canning, birds, etc.....but, our main purpose is to deal with the death of our child and the new life we take on after they're gone. That's my take on the new name. I like it. I like to call it what it is. There is no shame in grieving. And, there is no time limit. And, we will always be Indigos!

And, they did tell us about this months ago.

[mikesmomrs]

Good morning everyone! Wow, it is only 8:30 and I am up! the heavens are applauding such a feat! lol...Damon has school off this week, and his other grandmother is not feeling well, so we were out to get him at 7:15 this morning. About 4" of snow had fallen overnight and the roads looked slick (they were), so we were concerned when we were leaving. When I opened my front door, this greated us on the front steps...

I forgot to share a new "Damonism" the other day...he was telling us that one of his friends was no longer in his class. I asked did the friend move? Damon said. "No." silence for a minute. then: "He grew." Turns out the child transferred to another class, so I guess Damon saw that as a "growing" event.

Carrie: hugs to you. thanks for sharing some of your memories of your sweet Morgan. I am sorry that you are having to go through this, but glad that you are here so we can help you.

Trudi: Hope all is well at the ocean...that your days are sunny and warm...when does the weather begin to cool off? A sweet pat on the head for Sir MD.

Susannah: I too like the story about your mom. Thanks for sharing...you are very good at relating your memories. Your staunch protection of your mom throughout all the trying times shows just how strong a child's love for their mom can be. While growing up, I had a good childhood, felt very loved, but sometimes felt invisible...I was the youngest of 8, and while being the baby had its privileges and special times by its very nature, nonetheless, when the older sibs got older, and the problems that come with that came along, I was pretty invisible. When I was 10, I got rheumatic fever, which put me in the hospital for 3 months, then had a 6 months recuperation at home, so I became pretty "visible" then...a couple of years later, all but one of my sibs had moved out/gotten married, so then my mom and dad and I formed a much closer bond. My dad retired from being a commercial fisherman when I was only 15 (he was 52 when I was born), so he was home every day...a nice benefit to being a child of an older parent. However, the downside of that benefit wat that I lost him when I was only 25. My mom and I had formed a bond over those intervening years, so we got even closer after he died, though by that time I was married and moving all over the country. As others have said, we tend to try to "make up" for those things that were missing from our own childhood...with me it was being sure that all of my children felt "visible," although, as hard as I did try, I know that my middle child, Cathi, felt that she suffered the same fate at times.

We can only do the best we can with what we have, and no matter how much or how good our "best" was/is, for ourselves it is never enough in hindsight, especially when we have the journey through that hindsight that we here on BI have. (sorry, Kelly, Eric, Konnie and other admin staff..."BI" will always be a part of our conversation...it's such a part of who we are now. But that doesn't mean we appreciate your efforts any less...we are forever grateful for this outlet you've provided and support for us...blessings on all of you.)

Lorri: Loved the angel, and so glad you enjoyed your walk. Good luck with the new dress...the old one was beautiful, but you will likely find an even more beautiful one. From the pics you've posted of Brook, though, it doesn't look like she needs much to look beautiful on her...she makes whatever dress she dons. Holding you close as the day of your sweet Kourtney's birth draws closer. Stay with us, Lor, we are here for you.

Betty: I am sorry that things were not always smooth for you...finding al-anon helped one of my sisters, also...her hubby had a terrible problem that could have destroyed them, but al anon gave her the strength she needed to walk that path.

Sharon: no, you will never be the "same Sharon," but you will eventually evolve into a new Sharon, carrying scars of your heartache with you forever, but also becoming stronger, more compassionate, more open to other's pain, more understanding. Sometimes at first, you become hard as nails, and that is okay, too. We walk this journey together, but each at our own pace. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now...this is the "one breath at a time" for you, and it is sometimes almost impossible to see or feel that next breath coming, but it is there for you, it will always be there, and so will we. As Dee said, it is good that you are reaching out...you will make it, you will. Keep on sharing your precious son with us...we love to hear about each other's child.

Betsy: I too like that new pic of Rich...straight on, looking handsome and terrific.

Sherry: thanks for sharing your story about the "no outlet" road...and for all your stories about the wildlife, etc., on your property. We don't live in as a remote an area as we used to, and I miss that, a lot.

Amy: I enjoyed the catnip story, too...and wonder how it tasted...you will remember that story forever. Thank you for your words about Mike's site...I do need to do some serious updating work on it, but creating it was a balm for my aching heart...it allowed me to "talk" about him however much I wanted, with no arched eyebrows or deep sighs "Oh, no, she's still talking about him" and I knew that it would be a good thing for his children to have. The sleepless nights were filled with pictures and memories that I could piece together and "make permanent," something I couldn't do with Mike...something that always makes me feel inadequate...that I couldn't "fix" him.

Thank you all for your words about Mike's site, and Cathi's song...it is always good to know that someone has visited our memories of our child. It continues to say "See, he lived! He was here! He was loved!"

Last night, Cathi brought Jamie and Kameron (who was spending the weekend at her house) over so the boys could watch "Smackdown!" (gross!) So, Ralph and I went out to a movie and plans for supper...supper wound up being at Wendy's because we were short of time...yuck! Good for a rare quick bite, but not when you were planning on steak tips and baked potato! The movie was "The King's Speech." Ralph went with much hesitation (no promises of espionage, death-defying leaps from cliffs, or inexplicable returns from the edges of death)...but it turned out to be quite good...a truly emotional story of a man who suffered so much, yet struggled still to overcome that which he feared most...having others know he couldn't give a voice to his thoughts. The reviews for once were right on...a very good movie, that should garner many awards.

Well, we have Mr. Cute for the whole day, I'd best get busy getting involved so he doesn't veg out in front of the TV all day!

Wishing everyone a good day, with perhaps a moment or two of a joyful memory bringing a smile to your heart.

[mikesmomrs]

Betty: thank you so much for sharing the pic of you and Peter in the park...so handsome and elegant, both of you!

Colleen: wierd weather here, too. The snow today is so light, almost fake looking...Damon says it is like tiny packing peanuts!

Sus: I agree, we will always be "Indigos."

[Guest msnher]

If I can say it in a few words, Lord knows I'm gonna say it in a thousand.

More on mothers....(disclaimer: my family has a very weird sense of humor)

My father raped and tortured me, my sisters and my mother. Just a fact. In my early 30's I was in therapy because of it all. I'm one of the fortunate ones because I have my older sisters who validate me. My oldest sister (only 6 yrs older) decided it was time for my mother to come clean with me. So, my mother walked to my house, sat down on my couch and announced that George was not my father. She had an affair and my father was a man named Louis. Then she left. My mother, sister and aunt thought me knowing the evil George's blood didn't run through my blood would make it easier for me.

Time moves forward and I decide I want to know more about this man named Louis so I call the number my sister provided me. I spoke with Louis' brother while his wife (brother's wife) was on the other phone. The brother was very kind to me. The wife kept saying "You can't have his money!" Turns out they were a very poor mining family (in a small town in Nevada) and Louis was sort of a drunk, like my mother, too. He was just nice to her. My phone call upset them so much I decided not to call them again.

I decided I would have to turn to my mother for more information about this man.

Me: "Mom, tell me about Louis (last name)".

Mom: betrayal written all over her face, "Who told you about him? Did Susie (my aunt - her sister) tell you?"

Me: "No, Mom. You told me."

Mom: "Susie did this to me, didn't she?"

Me: "Mom. You said he was my father."

Mom: Looking at me like I had two heads, "George Joyal is your father!"

So, we don't know who my father is, but we may have traumatized a family in southern Nevada for nothing. I never missed not having a father. My mother left George after he raped me. I was three. She married Dick without ever divorcing George, so she was a bigomist. Dick didn't beat us girls, but he beat my mom. They had a drunken, violent relationship, too. She left Dick when I was around 27yrs old. What's ironic is George Joyal was found dying in a ditch. Dick Lee died and was left in the county morg as unclaimed for years. Sad, but appropriate. My mother lived the rest of her life in Casper, with me...making me crazy. She called me at least six times a day to tell me she was never calling me again. LOL For fun she walked to K Mart several times a day to see how many rides she could get home. Fortunately, I knew a lot of people and they knew she was my mother, so they would give her a ride. She looked like a little homeless old man walking the streets. The speech impediment, caused by being born with a cleft palat was made worse by the fact she had lost all her teeth. My sister bought her teeth once, but Mom sold them to someone so she could buy booze. Who buys someone elses teeth? LOL

My mother may be the only person in history to ever get a restraining order put against her by our hospital. They had to actually take her to court and get a legal order. My mom would visit the hospital several times a day. She was quite a nuisance. The security guard rented from me, so he would just call me to come get my mother. I had had enough so I told him to either follow through and call the cops or let her visit, but I wasn't coming to get her. His was the only name she remembered throughout the worst of her dementia. He was known as "that son of a b....Bob last name". We would say his name on purpose just to watch her reaction. LOL

Another friend of mine ran the senior citizen center. My mother would get suspended from there as well. Misty fondly remembers the time my mother went across the desk to beat Misty up because Misty told her she had to stay away from the center for two weeks. Keep in mind, my mother was a little bitty thing.

Taming her was never going to happen. Before foster homes, my mother would go for a walk and just forget to come home. Or forget she had kids or just believe we were capable of taking care of ourselves. A "walk" for her usually meant from Tonopah Nevada to Long Beach California.

It's interesting because my mother was not stupid. She loved to read and had a gift of intuition about people that was rarely wrong. She was diagnosed as 20% mentally retarded.

She taught me how to flip the bird before she taught me how to walk. She came right out and told me if abortion had been legal when she found out she was pregnant with me I wouldn't be here. It wasn't out of regret for ME that she said that. It was because of the situation in her life and the horror she lived through giving birth to me. She already had four little girls, one of whom was born with a cleft palat, too. Her husband beat her up constantly. They were poorer than poor. When she went into labor with me she had to hitchhike, in the rain, to Hawthorne. It sounds so cliche' but that was what happened.

The men who abused her died alone. She died in my arms, in a hospital. We buried her in a beautiful white dress, in a pink casket. I've never felt my mother. She's the one person I was sure would show up and do some explaining after she died. But, she has not. My sister, who is also intuitive, said that that's because she is completely different in the spirit. Arlene said our mother is very strong and an older soul and I wouldn't recognize her. That's believeable, because after she died, I remember saying out loud, "Mom, if you can hear me you need to visit Arlene. She's having a hard time right now." The thought whisper came and said, "I do visit her, but she doesn't recognize me." I told Arlene about it, but I still can't say whether it was my mother or not.

Well...I rambled on quite enough. My mother. She called us "My girls". When someone offended her she would say "My girl is going to kick your a$$". And, we would. Mom had her faults. We could talk about her. But no one else better say a word.

[Crystal16]

Hello everyone,

It was a very busy weekend so I wasn’t able to keep up on the posts. I just wanted to stop by and let everyone know you have been in my thoughts. I pray everyone has a peaceful weak.

Dee- How is your injury my dear, I hope it is better.

Leah- apologies for missing JaBoa Heaveny Angelversary

[ericasmom]

Now that is a MOM story! Well told Sus. Your Mom definitely had her demons, and those demons made your lives difficult at best, so your love for her is extra special. My Mom and I were very close, but in the end, she let go of me because she could not deal with having let me be my Dad's victim. Out of sight...out of mind kind of thing. Our family too survived and were close due to humor. I was my mom's jester in many ways. She adn I would stay up and watch movies when I was little, old movies and we cried together adn laughed together. When I had Jonathan, it was the beginning of the end of our time, because I had to protect my children from the man that hurt me, my dad. Once Eri came 2.5 years later, I simply said I cannot come over anymore because of what Dad did, and she said, " he did not do that, don't ruin my life, these are my golden years." So in her mind it was me who ruined her life. She never slept in the same room with him again, but she would not leave and she put up a front for the rest of her life. In her last week, the summer of 2002, one year before we lost Erica, I went into that house for the first time in 18 years. My mom was laying in her bed dying, I held her hand and talked to her softly, she felt my hand and reached for my hair, it was long then, and it had been long long long when I was young, and she said, "dee dee, is that you?" I wept for her recognizing me. That was about all the conversation, the next five days she was in and out of delerium. She was a cute little woman.

I hope I did not offend by saying I am not impressed with the name Grieving.com. It just is so not what it feels like here, it feels much more like a home, with comfortable chairs and nice fabrics, lots of boxes of extra soft tissue, it feels like a place not a .com. No offense to those who work at keeping this place going, just my take on the name change.

Betty, I love the photo of you and Peter in the park, so pretty. You do make a striking pair walking through that mystical place. Love that you saw the hawk.

Carol, have fun with the master of laughter today. Be careful on the roads please. Love your hearts.

Col, no snow here yet, but so much rain adn cold today with wind. A promise of snow too, which will make driving tricky on the wet roads. I have no school today due to Presidents Day. I am glad, want to do school work and listen to music and go to the gym.

[ericasmom]

My hand is much better Crystal, thanks. I have some pain at the center of the bruise, but for the most part it is healing. My sis, eileen, a nurse, said it will likely hurt for some time for the deep bruise that I received. What was busy about your weekend, good busy?

[Guest msnher]

Carol - wow, rheumatic fever. You were sick for a very long time. I feel so bad for you but am so glad you lived through it! I'm also glad you had a loving home to care for you. The youngest of eight! The baby. Being the baby definitely has it's advantages. You are such a kind person, indicative of the parents who loved you, I'm sure!

Dee - You holding your mother's hand during her last hours brought tears to my eyes. If my mother had stayed with George or Dick, she would not have been a part of my adult life, either. But, she left them. She acknowledged what happened to us, although at times it was too much for her to bear. I admire your ability to say no to them in order to protect Eri. You are a good mother!

Offend because you don't like the name Grieving.com? Hell no! I get offended over much smaller stuff than that! LOL Or, were you talking to me?

Well, I have to herd my grandchildren. They are out of school today, and are in need of some direction. We didn't get a lot of snow. Love you all!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

Betty- Beautiful picture of you in the park with your husband, I love having face to the name it makes it more personalized for me.

Carol- I love the sign you received from Mike! Seeing that validates my faith. Thank you for sharing.

Dee- Glad to hear Hun bruises for whatever reason takes time to heal continue to be kind to yourself.

Sharon/Carrie- I can relate to your words, guilt and grieving in so many ways. You are always in my thoughts.

Rhonda- Holding you close there are days I have nothing of value to say either, especially when it comes to words of encouragement with Ashlee’s friends. I miss her so much that when I see her friends living their lives I get angry at God at WHY. She had so much to give to everyone, she was my heart.

Sus- Our childhood story is very similar except to Moms mine was and still is very detached emotionally.

My weekend was busy hanging with a friend for dinner, dancing and hanging poolside. If anything, it kept me busy from sitting at home and dwelling on the fact that my Ashlee is never coming back.

[ericasmom]

You Sus, and anyone else who may be offended by my wish for the name to be warmer...I don't want to sound like a grouch, usually I am not a grouch, the name just sort of falls flat.

[Guest msnher]

Oh Dee, I don't think you could offend me if you tried. It's not in your nature. Your heart is too good to take offense. I just like the name grieving.com. But, then I'm always a bit off. Glad your hand is on the mend.

Crystal, when do you go back to court?

I am the youngest of five girls. Each one of my sisters and I have a different story to tell about our childhood. My sister, Dessie, who died two years ago was diagnosed as a multiple personality. I lost count of how many she had. To her dying day she lived in fear of our father (even though he died when we were young). I received several middle of the night frantic phone calls because she couldn't deal with what had happened to us. Another sister still hates my mother and blames all of us for everything that has ever happened to her. Another refuses to talk about our childhood at all. My oldest sister and I talk about it. My oldest sister feels totally responsible for all that her little sisters suffered. I feel victorious. I worked hard to overcome and rise above it all. And, as is evident in this very forum....there are a lot of "us" out there.

I remember being about age 4, hiding under the bed with my sisters, while Dick beat my mother up and thinking "A man will never hit me." Four years old. I was true to that proclamation. But, I became the abuser. I beat up both my husbands. I raged against my children. I raged. Period. I destroyed furniture, broke treasured nik-naks...cleared the dinner table with one swipe because someone asked for more milk. I never sexually abused my children nor did I abuse them, physically, the way I had been abused. But, I definitely scared the hell out of them. They were still quite young when I got help for my rage.

It was difficult to see the difference between what happened to me and what I was doing when I looked in the mirror. I hated the image looking back at me. It would take years of hard work and a spectacular spiritual experience that would lead me to forgive my parents, foster homes, the system and most importantly, myself.

One of the best compliments I ever received is when two young women "fired" me because they said I didn't understand their anger.

I felt that anger coming back after Steph died. Fortunately, feeling that anger and acting on it are two different things. My grandchildren know Grandma gets impatient, but they also know Grandma would never hurt them.

It would take another spectacular spiritual experience to take away that anger....in the form of a simple visit from an angel named Micheal from Australia. Those few seconds with him has affected me more than any other spiritual experience I've ever had. I will be forever grateful!

[Guest msnher]

I forgot to answer about Amanda's diagnosis. She is just in physical therapy and on pain management. It was just nice to know there was a name. As I said, I can't remember the name and I'm not sure I agree with their diagnosis, but at least it gives it a name.

[charsng1234]

morning all, I need to know if I am crazy I had a dream I was talking to my son shane, I could not see him but could here his voice.. He was telling me he did not know he was gone.. I told him he was and he said mom the last thing I remember is being at the party than I woke up.. I feel so sad like is his spirit trapped some were because he does not know?? I will talk to you all later going to see my Dr Lee.. Love you all.. Thanks for being here for me.. Shanes mom.. Sharon..

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - You are not crazy. Your son is letting you know he didn't feel anything. He was letting you know he wasn't scared or in any pain. I think it is your maternal protection instincts adding the idea that your son is trapped. He is not. What he remembers is going to a party and then "waking up". I've heard a lot of people describe it that way. What they wake up to is beautiful....and, they never wake up alone. Never. It is difficult for you to receive your dream as comfort, but hold onto it because it is definitely a message from your boy. It's also a testimony that "dead" is not dead.......not gone. Not for them. If Shane was able to get through to you this early while you are in this much turmoil, he must be a powerful spirit. He will keep communicating with you. The real message he was delivering to you is, "Mom, I didn't suffer".

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Carol---There were more birds at the feeder today than in the past few days. I think it is because the past few

days were in the high 40s and even low50s.....but now, we had a light snow last night, and more birds are coming

back. Strangely, I haven't seen any bluejays, or cardinals. When the weather warms up, I guess the birds prefer

to do their own hunting for food. There is the fat squirrel that comes and sits on the stump and eats seeds. I love

the pic of the heart in the snow.

Betty----Such a nice pic of you & Peter in the park. I agree.....I will always be an "Indigo", too. As for photographing

birds-----it is difficult because they just do not stay in one place very long......possibly only seconds, then they're gone.

Sus----You are such a wonderful writer....you get your point across very clearly. I'm sorry to hear of the very hard childhood

that you had . You have, indeed, survived so many terrible things, and came out of it as a caring, loving, person with a

pretty good outlook on life, empathy for others, and a good sense of humor. Peace & tranquility, friend.

Dee-----Well---my bird count was a bit of a washout this year. I believe that I came in on it late (Cornell Backyard Count),

and the fact that the feeders were pretty much empty during the tiny "burst of spring" days we had. Of course that was

a short-lived reprieve.....back to cold now. But, I get the feeling that there are very subtle changes out there that just

vaguely hint of spring.....nothing very obvious. Maybe it's just a feeling I have,...and 'wishful thinking'. Well, Feb. is almost

over. Hope you have a good day off school. Take care of your hand. (Forgive me......I missed how you came to injure

your hand. ) You are right......this site is a lot like a comfortable sitting room with nice soft chairs, couches, and friendly

people to 'talk' to.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[briansdad]

morning all, I need to know if I am crazy I had a dream I was talking to my son shane, I could not see him but could here his voice.. He was telling me he did not know he was gone.. I told him he was and he said mom the last thing I remember is being at the party than I woke up.. I feel so sad like is his spirit trapped some were because he does not know?? I will talk to you all later going to see my Dr Lee.. Love you all.. Thanks for being here for me.. Shanes mom.. Sharon..

You're not crazy at all. I had a dream I was at the lake with the family and was wondering where Brian was. I walked around the corner where we were staying and there was Brian. I looked at him and asked where have you been. He smiled and said I'm taking care of a few things.

So I guess they take care of their unfinished business and then go.

Greg

[sadmomm]

Mikes Mom and Ashlees Mom thanks for thinking about me. It just is never going to be the same .. we all know that carrie

[Crystal16]

Sharon,

It will never be the same. I too thought Ashlee 's spirit was trapped when she left this side of Heaven tragically!

Sometimes I wish I could speak to a medum(sp) someone who speaks to the spirits. As a mother, I want to verify she's okay, hanging with Jesus and family who's already passed. Is she happy and at peace. Is she watching over us. Just to hear Ashlee's is not in pain and loved dearly by the ones who've passed before her would give me peace!! I wait patiently for the day I can see, smell and wrap my arms around her.

Crystal

[briansdad]

A good friend sent this to me today so I thought I'd share it.

Most beautiful explanation of death I've ever heard.

~DEATH~

WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT ..

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to

Leave the examination room and said,

'Doctor, I am afraid to die.

Tell me what lies on the other side.'

Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know..'

and don't know what's on the other side?'

The doctor was holding the handle of the door;

On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,

And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room

And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, 'Did you notice my dog?

He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside.

He knew nothing except that his master was here,

And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.

I know little of what is on the other side of death,

But I do know one thing... I know my Master is there and that is enough.'

[charsng1234]

Thanks for everyone helping me on this matter. I worried because he seemed confused and sad. I went to my doctor today he says I am doing great than I come home and freak out on my husband.. He thinks I get mad because I feel guilty .. I am just pissed today, I told him to choke on his food. I have never talked to him like that before. He feels I should be able to control my anger or who I direct it at.I dont know why I feel this way, but why cant I control it? We are not talking at this moment he does not feel this pain I do. It was my son who died.. I told him I am trying but he says he wont live like this.. Does anyone have any sugestions on how to focus my anger else were. I really love him but I am going crazy.. I just miss shane so much its like a huge hole in my heart. I need help....

[Guest msnher]

I directed my anger at my husband, too. Dee gave wonderful advice. I'll see if I can find the post. Hang on, Sharon.

[rlolheiser]

thank you all for caring and remembering my girl. It is such a sweet gesture. I felt down a lot of the day, my not being able to visit her gravsite wears on my heart. I keep telling myself that summer is coming and I will make up for my lack of visits. I do have my time with her here because I know she visits a lot. the kids tell me.. I know she isn't there at the site all the time, she is to busy, she is everywhere cause she was loved by so many.

Things here are cold, we got 8 more inches of snow yesterday. The wind blew so bad we all stayed under cover most of the day. Did I ever tell you I hate winter :-)

This site will always be Beyond Indigo to me.. it will always be the home I found to get me thorugh the rough spots in life. It will be the place that I have met so many amazing people, and shared tragedys and happy moments with them all. It is the home that I have come to count on when I have nobody to turn to and the ability to scream, rant, cry.. or just read.. (just my thoughts)

I agree Betty, Dee does tuck us all in :-) All of you do so much for everybody.. Carol, Trudi, Susannah.. Crystal, Karen, Lorri, Kathy, Amy, names I can't even name.. (my brain works slow these days...) everybody had a part here in this place I call home.. even the newbies that I haven't had a chance to greet.. because we share, we hurt and we love...

My daughter is still tied to her boyfriend via the phone, it makes life tough.. I still fight with her.. still love her.. somedays I really wish she would just move... but I still worry about my grands...

I feel much better, my eyes hurt because I think I still have a sinus infection, reading really hurts after awhile, even with my glasses.

I have to run, I hope to have some wisdom to share soon... thank you all for sharing with me.. thank you again for caring..

[Guest msnher]

Found trying to find that one post way too difficult. I bet Dee will remember and/or have good advice as soon as she's able.

[Cdawn75]

You're not crazy at all. I had a dream I was at the lake with the family and was wondering where Brian was. I walked around the corner where we were staying and there was Brian. I looked at him and asked where have you been. He smiled and said I'm taking care of a few things.

So I guess they take care of their unfinished business and then go.

Greg

you are not crazy i havent had a dream myself of that but i did in fact go see a medium and she had told me that Clinton had only made it partially through the light in his process and in fact there was two reasons for why he hadnt ....one was that i was/am having a difficult letting him go which keeps him stuck in limbo. The second is that when a person tragically passes that they need validation as we do that they are passed on that they dont know that they are in a different place. My Daughters friend shortly before i went to see this medium was terrified when coming home from school one day , she was 10 yrs old. she had her mom call me because she was scared and crying i asked why, Mercedes said she was in math class and suddenly she heard clintons voice, she said she looked up and she could see him and he asked her to tell me that he loved me and needs me to know he is okay ( i always worried about him when he was away) and to tell his sister to stop pulling her "bullshit" get herself in line, and to tell his baby brother to always respect people. He said i tried telling her but she didnt answer me. a few nights later my boyfriend and i were having a conversation and had mentioned clinton to him and he said oh yeah that reminds me of a dream i had last night, he had a dream that my lil ethan and him where standing in this room of just whiteness and ethan was talking on a walkee-talkee and erik (my boyfriend) asked who are you talking to and ethan said my brother, ethan and Clinton was having a conversation and erik could hear everything but clinton couldnt speak to him. Erik never had the joy to meet my clinton for we never got together until a few months after clintons passing. so just know your not going crazy. I think dreams and signs come to everyone in different and unusual ways, My son likes to send rainbows...they can appear anywhere at anytime....

Christy