Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Jenna's Mom and Amy Lyn, may you both feel welcomed and cared for here. I am going to bed but want to just touch base with you both. I lost my Girl, Erica in July of 2003. She was 19. I am so very sorry for the pain that I know you both have been experiencing. I do think that you will find some solace in the deep connections we form here. All of us walking in similar steps on a rocky path, but being on it this long, I can promise you that the road will smooth out some. Welcome and tell us more when you are ready. I loved the photos, so pretty. If you look at the gallery area, under loss of a child, you will see most of our children at various stages of development.

[dlj0403]

OK, I'm going to try again!

Jenna was taken from me on September 12, 2008. It took the medical examiners office eight months to tell me that her heart stopped. She died of acute cardiac arythmia. She was my life...and my best friend. She had so much love in her. She was going to college to become a nurse practioner. She was active in her sorority, college life, working full time and enjoying her life. She passed away suddenly and they say without any pain. The pain now is mine from her not being here. I feel robbed....we were to go to Italy in March to celebrate her college graduation. She went her Sophomore year and that is one thing I regret....I couldn't go with her as I had just changed jobs. She was working at the hospital that her boyfriend took her to when he found her. The night before she passed, he surprised her and took her dinner and roses to the hospital. They lived together in her apartment. The morning she passed, she got up and had coffee with him before he left for his job. He arrived back at 1:30 pm and found her collapsed in the bedroom floor. I figured out that someone had come by her apartment and it looked like she was getting up to go to the door. Jenna loved her cell phone. So much, that her boss told me at the visitation that she had never witnessed anyone that could text with one hand and do hospital corners when making a bed. We joke now when I have problems with my phone (or like me losing everything I typed earlier) that Jenna is messing with me. Just this past week, I had sent my sister an email. I tried to delete the email from my phone and it wouldn't delete. My sister used to not believe me when I would say Jenna was messing with me but when I showed her at dinner the other night that the message wouldn't delete, she just laughed. The next morning, the email was gone! Jenna and I had a thing about rainbows. It was always our "sign". Whenever we would see one, we would text, call, take pictures or whatever and send to each other...just like a "thinking of you" when we would see a rainbow. The day after she passed away, my husband came in to the house and told me to come outside. There was a rainbow that was the biggest and brightest I had seen in a long time. That was my sign from Jenna that she was in heaven with my mom and looking down on me. I shared my story about the rainbows at her visitation and the pastor told about it during her funeral. Since then whenever someone sees a rainbow, they send it to me. I have received rainbows from all over the United States. It makes me smile when I get one because people are remembering Jenna and our love of rainbows & of each other. My husband (her step-dad) and I do photography on the side. Whenever we would go to his parents, he and Jenna would take off and he would take her picture. I am SO thankful for all the pictures now. I have them everywhere in our home and at my office. Jenna was an organ donor. Since her major organs couldn't be used, the LifeShare told me that she helped over 50 people. Even after she was gone, she was still helping people. I've tried numerous counselor and can't seem to make a connection.. One of Jenna's friends mentioned to me last weekend when we were at the cemetery to look in to joining a grief forum. I'm sorry that we are all here but I have found some stories that have made me think of how fortunate I am for having twenty wonderful years with my precious daughter. Jenna's biological parent (aka sperm donor) hasn't made contact me with since the day at the cemetery. He was never there for her. My husband was more of a parent to her. It's strange how people avoid me now. They don't know how to talk to me. I don't understand that. It hurts...where are all those people that said they'd be here when I needed them? Even the pastor that conducted the funeral...I was doing counseling with him and he "gave me permission to find a different church" because "seeing her friends and their parents were probably to hard for me"...nothing like hearing that from a preacher. I mean I'm already mad at God for taking Jenna away from me and then to have our pastor say that....needless to say, I haven't found a different church and I don't go there. Holidays are horrible....especially Christmas. The first year we tried doing it with my husbands children and grandchildren...then the second year, we tried it with my sister and her family..this year, we took off and went on a vacation to Florida. It's just not the same. Christmas is the hardest because that was our favorite holiday. My husband is what has been keeping me going. I have changed jobs and we are looking for a different house. I just wished my life was the way it was on September 11, 2008. I know it won't but I can wish. I'm tired of saying I'm "ok"...I would life to say I'm "great" when someone asks. Part of me knows it will get a little easier as time goes by but then part of me knows it will always be hard without my little sunshine.

[Guest msnher]

For Deanna and Jenna....

Wyoming double rainbow....

[dlj0403]

I love it...thank you so much...

For Deanna and Jenna....

Wyoming double rainbow....

[dlj0403]

Thank you...I did write something but it's not what I had originally wrote. And yes, the blonde is me...I loved that picture of us. It was a special day...her graduation from high school. I've already posted your rainbow picture with my others on FB!

Deanna - Wow, Jenna is gorgeous! Very nice pictures. I assume the pretty blond is you? All of us have lost a post at least once. I hope you will find the wherewithall to write again!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dlj0403]

Thank you Dee (that's also my nickname!) I have posted pictures in the gallery.

Jenna's Mom and Amy Lyn, may you both feel welcomed and cared for here. I am going to bed but want to just touch base with you both. I lost my Girl, Erica in July of 2003. She was 19. I am so very sorry for the pain that I know you both have been experiencing. I do think that you will find some solace in the deep connections we form here. All of us walking in similar steps on a rocky path, but being on it this long, I can promise you that the road will smooth out some. Welcome and tell us more when you are ready. I loved the photos, so pretty. If you look at the gallery area, under loss of a child, you will see most of our children at various stages of development.

[mikesmum]

Deanna & Amy Lyn - I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughters. Both so young and so ready for life. Jenna is stunning, a nurse practioner in the making. It does take the right 'fit' before we can make any sense, if there is any to make of losing our children. I found this site in the middle of the night about 3 months after losing my eldest son.

You will come to know the parents their children and their story. The Gallery is so important. Each is unique but in many ways the affects of losing a child are so similar.

Amy Lyn - Here is definitely the place to find support, understanding and compassion. Everyone here has lost a child be it accident, illness or other. Here is where you can talk about your wildest thoughts, your hardest day and find that someone here gets it, if not all of us. We don't have the answers, we can't take all the pain away, but you will never feel that you are alone on this journey..

Our kids are more than that last day....I know I always say that but I believe we do need to acknoledge and share our kids ~ for me it keeps Micheal Shane alive.

As for the 'messing with you' Yes I believe my son messes with me. He was the one who download my music and images for me. The week before he left he burned a CD with 'our music'. A combination of Pearl Jam, Evanesence (SP) John Butler Trio and the like. I tried to download after he left, usually in the wee hours as sleep was something I had lost the need for..

Best I could do was error messages with nothing in my music 'library' or 'playlist'. (phrases I have come to know). After a long night I clicked on 'my music' and music began to play.....There was nothing to show me where this came from or how.....I just took it that Mike saw my struggle and sent me music.....

Take Care Indigos......we seem to grow day by day......

[mikesmomrs]

Deanna: I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Jenna. Thank you for posting the beautiful pictures...I am so sorry that you lost your post, but glad that you came back to try again. It can be frustrating, for sure. I am sorry that you are on this journey, that you ever had to know such a place as BI existed, but I am thankful that your beautiful Jenna led you here to find comfort, understanding, and support from others who share the same sorrow...the los sof our preciosu child. I lost my son, Mike, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer. He was 31 years old. He left behind 3 boys, at the time, almost 2, and 7 and 8. They have grown so much in these four years, and we know that Mike is with them always.

Amy Lyn: I am sorry, too, for the loss of your sweet and precious Allana. When you can, please share her story and pictures...we all like to hear about each other's child and sahre their life and memories they left behind. As Trudi has said, they are so much more than that last day, and sharing all those days we had with them is how we keep those memories alive. You will find much comfort, understand and support here, as we all try to walk this journey together.

I have been feeling some serious anxiety these last few days...don't know why particularly, just that it is there. I've had behavioral training and I have been able to keep it under control in the past, but all of the imagery, etc., that has worked before, isn't even touching it. I know that my brain is leading me down a path that my heart does not want me to go...that path that brings up all of the things that constitute the "shoulda-coulda-woulda's" that haunt us, no matter how long it has been since the last time we talked with our child. I started going through some writings that I had done in the beginning, thinking that I might find some comfort in memories or maybe some answers to the pleadings of my sorrow-filled heart. I came across this that Cathi wrote about her brother during the time that she was here for his care, just 16 days before Mike died. I would like to share this, but must say it is lengthy. It does highlight that hope that each day we had with him was another gift, how no matter how much we are/were aware that Mike was going to leave us, and soon, we still kept up that hope, and that daily gratitude that we had "one more day." It helps some to chase some of those "shoulda-coulda-wouldas" away again...(If I've posted this before, please forgive the repeat...)

September 26, 2006--He's Going the Distance

I am at my parents' house. Today is one of two days this week that I'm caring for my brother.

He can't be alone at all now. He needs assistance getting up as his leg muscles have rebelled against him; he also needs help walking although thank God he still can, with his walker. One must stand by him at all times for extra support. Stairs are a terrifying pursuit - for those who care for him. My brother doesn't really think so. He gets a little confused. At 9:30 this AM, he was asking me what I was still doing here - "It's like, 4:30 - don't you have to get your kid?" He thinks he can get around just like always, until he tries.

Hospice help comes once a day, for about an hour in the morning. Mom and Dad say mornings are particularly tough as there is the bed to be changed, my brother's shower and change of clothes and grooming. Laundry is literally non-stop and my mother's lifelong habit of keeping a spotless house has had to fall by the wayside. The extra assistance is a Godsend.

I promised my brother that today after the nurse left, I'd take him to Dunkin' Donuts. She left and I got his sweatshirt for him to put on. I moved his walker near the recliner where he spends a lot of his day. I helped him on with his sweatshirt. I moved to put my hand under his arm and he insisted I didn't need to do that. He tried to get up on his own but it was not going to happen. Finally he gave in and let me help pull him into a standing position. This took about 15 minutes. Once he was steady, we started the trek toward the front door. "Use the back porch door," my dad had said this morning. "The front steps are really treacherous." My brother didn't want to use the back door however, and when he's got his mind made up it's impossible to steer him elsewhere. Front porch it was, then. After a bit of clever manuevering over an area rug, a threshold, around a plastic chair, we made it to the steps. I had to get him to hold the railing and my hand instead of the walker while I put the walker on the ground below the stairs. The stairs were, indeed, treacherous. But he made it to the car and once inside, we high-fived.

We took the long way to Dunkin' Donuts in Dover. We drove by where I used to live and where he was once my roommate for a few months. It was such a beautiful day. We had Cake on the iPod, vanilla bean Coolattas and the windows wid eopen. We sang along together. "He's going the distance! He's going for speeeeeed! She's all alone, alone, all alone in her time of neeeed!" I didn't want it to end.

When we got back to the house, it was the same scenario only this time getting up the stairs, not going down. As he tenuously made it to his chair, we sang together, again, with our own lyrics: "He's going the distance, NOT going for speeeeed, to his recliner, in the corner, the corner, without any weeeeed!" and burst into giggles.

I settled him in his chair with his leftover Coolatta and some peanut M&Ms. We made a bet as he dumped the candy into the Coolatta that he couldn't eat this concoction without a spoon. "Are you going to suck them (the M&Ms) up with the straw?" I asked him. "Yes," he said. "Watch me." As the cup emptied and he realized he wasn't after all going to suck the candy up with a straw he sheepishly asked for a spoon. "Dammit. You win," he said. "Har, har," said I. Twenty minutes later, he looked at his empty Coolatta cup, then at me, and said triumphantly, "Hey, you owe me five bucks!" I noticed the spoon had fallen to the floor, out of his view. I said, "Aw, you did it!" and handed him the fiver. Ah, well.

It is a big deal just to go out with my brother now. I have to make sure his bag is near, with supplies inside in case something happens. I have to be prepared for his forgetfulness and careful of his tender nerve endings. If we go somewhere where he'll be getting out of the car, the wheelchair has to come along. I don't care. I don't know how long we'll be able to even go out tooling around with Coolattas and Cake. I consider caring for him an opportunity I don't want to miss. As long as he's willing and able to crack jokes with me and sing along to "He's Going the Distance," I'll go the distance, too. by: Catherine Johnston...26 September 2006

The "distance" was only 4 more days...on September 30th, shortly after a fresh shower, we got Mike settled into his chair for lunch. Mike's wife Sarah was preparing to take him and their 20 month old, Damon, to search for the perfect pumpkin. When we tried to help him get back up from the chair to take him outside, we discovered that Mike could no longer stand. After a few attempts, which only succeeded in initiating a seizure with each try, we helped him get back into bed. His hospice nurse, Jackie, came later to reassess for further treatment/needs. That was the last time Mike ever got out of bed. I am so glad that Mike had this time with his sister and that she had this time with her brother...memories that will never leave her, memories that we all are so thankful for.

Although this picture still rips at my heart, it also still is one of those sweeter memories that was the fabric of the bittersweetness of those last days....

thank you all, for being here, for sharing, and for allowing me to share when my heart is breaking all over again.

[mikesmomrs]

I have figured out how to connect to the recording of Cathi singing the song that Mike requested her to sing at his services...this is a page in his web site, the page that is dedicated to Mike and Cathi...if you click on the link, it will take you to the page, and the song will start. Thank you for letting me share this gift of Cathi to Mike...

http://james-michael...=8228&page_no=4

[kmb22]

Edit

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo’s, I've been sitting on the sidelines reading for the most part. The past few weeks have been anxious ones for me. I have bristled at words spoken and have done my best to steer clear of anything and anyone that I find annoying. With the warm weather change as of yesterday, a record 71 degree's and now winds up to 60 mph, I look back and realize I was in a “state”. State of what, I don't know.

I saw one o Rich's friends a few weeks ago as well. Rich and Dan were friends through school but something happened along the way. I remember Rich telling me that he thought Dan should get his life straight. Do something. Dan lived with us for a few months and I understand Dan not being able to take steps to get his life straight. I guess,to Rich, a first step was needed. Not so hard in his mind. I know Dans parents. I know his mom was a crack addict at one time and his father a heroin addict for many,many years. They have since quit. Dan was homeless at one time. He was around 15-16 years old. He went to school and ate at the soup kitchen. Rich told me this one day. Shocked is an understatement. His church found a family that took him in and after that arrangement ended, he came to our place.Some of you may remember that Rich had just moved into his first home with his g/f. They had friends over and Dan disappeared from the backyard to the point that they noticed he was missing. After that day Rich noticed that his charger/cord thingy was missing for a tool he owned.It wasn't the first time that something went missing after a visit.And Rich did confront Dan about the missing charger. He just let him know,that he know. No fight but the beginning of the end,if his life were longer,the beginning of a different relationship between the two. Rich was pretty well on his way to a fine tool collection, auto mechanics tools. His dad being in the business his entire life, Rich just starting with his own. Rich had moved a massive toolbox a couple of months before his death. He shouldn't have. I wonder sometimes if that strain was the beginning. Well, Dan.

Dan told me that his life has been really awful for the past 2 years and that he was doing his best to put out good karma in the world. I didn't know what to say. I don't want him feeling that a mistake or error of judgment made by him should follow him all the days of his life. I remember talking to Sarah about the charger cord. I told her that I'm sure where Rich is now, he understands Dans actions and probably forgave him even before he died. I know Rich was hurt,but he too knew Dan.

So my encounter may have been the start of my “state”. How many people in Rich's life are saying to themselves, “ should have”, “ if”, and “why”.I didn't mean to go on about this

Carol, "He's going the distance, NOT going for speeeeed, to his recliner, in the corner, the corner, without any weeeeed!" I giggles at this to. Though I know your giggles and Cathi's are now mixed with tears at times.

Jenna's mom, Jenna is a beautiful girl.

Amy Lyn, I am so sorry for the lose of your daughter,Allana. Welcome to BI. A place full of compassion,understanding and wise helpful people. You are not alone.

Leah, so good to see Jaboa's pretty smile and hoping that all are recovered from the illness soon. It sure does hang on doesn't it.

Betty, Dee, MaryAnn( thinking of you a lot lately), Trudi,Kathy,Nicks dad, Susannah(beautiful picture),Sherry,Sonya,Rhonda..everyone, thinking of you all.

[sadmomm]

Memories

Aren't they what is most important in life

along with Love Trust and Honesty

The beauty of our lives

The birth of our beautifulchildren

Their bright eyes their georgeous smiles

Their golden personalities

Their beautiful bodies Their fingers and toes

They were made from our love and passion

Thelove they gave us incredible

Thier sweet essence filled our souls

Now our souls are fractured shatteredx

Never to be the same

OUr lives go oneach day each breath

at a time

Forever changed but forever grateful to have

them eternally have changed our lives

morgans mom

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Thank you so much for sharing Cathi's beautiful voice with us and her journal entry of her outing with her brother. I LOVE the picture of Michael in the dress and ponytail! What a heartbreakingly beautiful story of brother and sister love. I am finding grief is not a neat little (or even big) package we deal with...when we lose a child we have a whole semi trailer full of packages to grieve. Not just the loss of our child but the loss of our surviving children's sibling, the parent they were or would have been, the friend they were, the songs they loved. Their death is evident in every breath we take. I'm sorry your visual techniques are not working to calm the anxiety right now. Sometimes they work for me and somethimes they don't. I guess it's just another box in our truck. Something we will take with us on our journey for the rest of our lives. Hugs to you!

Karen - It was good to see Shawn's face this morning! I've missed your presence. I love to read your words. I'm sorry you're not sleeping well. Another box in our truck.

Betsy - I love the new avatar picture of Rich. I've seen it before...either as the avatar or in the gallary? He is such a handsome man. You are a good woman to have such grace towards Dan. I'm sure Rich did forgive him, but Dan has still has some work to do before he finds inner peace. Enough said about that (I say to myself!)

Re our children messing with us. I don't know what happened and I don't know if anyone (non physical) had anything to do with this, but yesterday I had laid down for my afternoon nap and my dog laid down beside the bed. All was quiet. Then there was a loud crash from the kitchen. Scared both me and the dog. The small stepping stool I keep on the shelf under our coffee pot stand (huge wood table, counter thingy) was upside down a few inches from it's resting place. When I bent over to pick it up, quite curious as to what happened, I smelled and felt the heat. Before the kids got up that morning, I turned the heat on high in the kitchen because the house was quite chilly. I forgot about it and went on with my business. The heating vent is situated in the wall behind the coffee table thingy. The table is big enough that the stool sits on the shelf completely out of the way of heater. I went to lean on the bottom shelf to help myself back up from the floor and the shelf was too hot for me to hold my hand on for more than a few seconds. I quickly turned off the heater and offered a "thank you" to whoever knocked the stool off its shelf. That stool and that coffee stand has sat there for years with no problems.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[sadmomm]

Sharon I would like to know a little bit about your baby. I know for me at first i was out of body. couldn't react. couldn't believe. But as the months past it got worse.. Each and every day the first thought on my mind. was that. It was like that last night. It is a horrible thought and I don't know how to change it. I am determined to try harder. We moved here 5 yrs ago and I left my beautiful son there. He needed me and i was wrapped up in my own b-****. His dad helped hiim all he could. I have so many regrets so many undone things i cannot do now. I also know he was such an important part of my life. His memory and soul will permanently be etched in mine. LIfe is different now not the same spark. Never to be the same. It saddens me.

Dee It is beautiful weather. I think My husband and i have come to an agreement. it is not satisfactory but it is what it is. We have decided to stay married. I am very unhappy with my choices... Morgans death has made me change everything i think. We have talked about moving back to MD after cass is in college. But it may be unpractical. I planned on not working when we moved here. And it is borderline possible but on very slim means. The councelor said act in your own best interest. Which I see now that i did not I counted on him to Run a semi truck. It did not happen. And of course I did not run it. Life is not life without the hope and love and lives of our children. Cass doesn't want me here though she said she didn't care what happened. I want to make the trip for some sort of memorial but don't know if it will happen. I know Morgan can see me whether I go there or stay here. I would rather spend the time and money on a trip for Lee Life is difficult for me. I will try to do something creative to pass the time.

Susannah: How are you.? Do you live close to the park? do you have grizzlies? I need to dress up more too. We started going to church last sunday everyone welcomed us with open arms. But a lot of the congregation was older than us. I am glad Rick is giving the marriage another try. My heart is somewere where morgan is. his absence from our family is deep. I wish he had had children. and I also wish I had more kids. I wish i could go back. baby steps forward. love to you

Amy Lynn I am so sorry your baby ... My grandad had leukemia and I never knew him. My mom was only 7... Her loss was great. I never experienced loss till now. And it is all consuming... Life wasn't supposed to be like this. But who truly taught us about life?? Us.

I wish I had talked about death with my morgan. he was such a philosopher. Truly dug into topics i would not think of. It is very hard. knowing I have my photo albulms in a box. Not him putsing along at his home.

To all INdigos: How do you change the morning thoughts. Is it just a process. OUr mind or my mind won't stop doing it. I knwo he is gone. But my love remains. We were picked to suffer this trauma along with our beautiful children. I don't think there are any answers. sadness and change. or waiting. Carrie Morgans MOM

[lolynbo]

KIMBERLYS STEP GRANDPA DIED ON HER DADS SIDE SO SHES IN HOUSTON AT THE FUNERAL....SHE WAS GOIONG THRU PICS AND FOUND THIS...NOTICE MY SWEET KOURTNEY BEHIND SWEET KIMMY JUST SMILING...MADE ME CRY...ITS THE INNOCENCE OF HER BEING A BABY THAT MAKES ME CRY THE MOST IN PICS...IDK...SUX

GETTING READY TO GO PUT BROOKES PROM DRESS ON LAYAWAY IN CITY..(ITS $440) SO I HAVE TO PAY IT OUT CUZ I AINT A HIGH ROLLA....ITS FUSHIA...SO PRETTY DO YAL LIKE IT?

[lolynbo]

It's in the eyes! Straight thru.to ones sole!

You need not say a word! Just look in ones eyes, it's there!

SOMEONE JUST POSTED THIS ON MY FB...SO TRUE

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

It has become a little too Overwhelming for me to post lately . So much new sorrow and pain,to absorb and identify with. Welcome to all the new Moms. Your children are beautiful angels and are now part of a very special group. Here they will be honored and remembered!! I hear you sadness and know just how painful these first few months can be. You have found a wonderful supportive group who understand as few others can. The Indigo family truly saved my sanity and life.

I have been reading lately but have not been able to formulate a constructive message I believe I feel like Carol and Betsy described Back in the Re memories of could have should have etc. Spending so much time at my sister's is bringing up a great deal. At times wonderful soft memories and at other times very painful . I can at best just sit with them and come here and read. it is my most positive connection.

Dan You latest creation for Jessica was beautiful

Sherry and Dee love hearing about the birds song and nests My sister has several beautiful Cardinals nesting in her back yard So beautiful to see.

Dee, Sus, Sherry, Sonya, Trudi, Betsy,Karen, Rhonda, Crystal, Aimee and all indigos thanks for being here

[Guest msnher]

Dearest Carrie; We are about five hours away from Yellowstone. They have grizzlies and brown/black bears. We have black bear on Casper Mountain, about 5 minutes away from us. We have land and a cabin on the mountain and although we've seen the tracks and feces of both bears and mountain lions on our property, I have never seen one. I'm sure they've seen me. One of the most serene experiences of my life was when I was sitting alone on the deck of the cabin and a doe (deer) walked through "calling" for her herd. The wind was blowing the opposite direction so she didn't smell me and I was as still as a statue so I wouldn't scare her. She would stop, nibble a little, bleat (call) for others..look around and then nibble some more. There are two huge beautiful bucks that stay close by. Very majestic.

I'm glad you and your husband have decided to stay married, if it is what you want. Sweetie, the regret is just part of this journey. You will find peace with your mistakes, but it takes time. As for the morning thoughts, they have lessened for me. They get softer. The thought that Stephanie has died doesn't bring that stabbing shocking pain like it used to...sometimes it still hits, but not as often. This may be of little comfort to you, but I almost drowned when I was a little girl. In the Pacific ocean when we lived in Long Beach California. We were jumping waves and I got too far from my sisters and a wave pulled me out "to sea" a bit of an exaggeration. I panicked at first, clawing at the sand and then felt myself tumbling in the force of the water. It seemed like just a moment and it became very peaceful. I remember opening my eyes and seeing a jelly fish float by and a calmness came over me that I don't know how to describe. The next thing I remember is the life guard doing CPR on me on the beach and my sisters standing around me crying and screaming my name. I was young and didn't understand what had happened. I just thought I was in trouble. But, the drowning experience was quite peaceful.

What do we do about the morning thoughts? I wrote (typed) to everyone on Beyond Indigo. I "talked" and talked and talked. I yelled my anger out on the keyboard, I expressed my disillusionment towards God on the keyboard, I expressed my faith, and lack thereof, I just typed EVERYTHING out as I felt it. When people would ask how I was (face to face) I would say okay but it's subject to change without notice....and I'd tell them not to let it freak them out...to just go with it.

Somebody mentioned all the people they thought would be there that aren't there. We've talked about that before. I'm not sure all my friends left or if I left. I'm not sure if they ran from me or I ran from them.

Well, that's enough. Hang in there all of you new to this. It sucks and there is no easy way through and the only way through is through....but, as someone already said, you don't walk alone.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

To Bi Tennessee fans, you may see my niece in your travels. She is 4 months younger then Rich.

and my beautiful daughter,Sarah. She will be 25 this year. watching the grass grow.

[sadmomm]

Susannah thanks for writing. I am so sorry we are here and have to endure life without our babies. adults. There are coyotes here. Didn't have them in MD. Well I don't know if this marriage is going to work. It at least is trying. I know I am going to be unhappy here or unhappy away from here. So I am kind of numb. Hind sight is 20/20. WE came here to be happy.I don't think either of us is now. We are really ok people . But we made huge mistakes which are blatently clear now. Fixing them is the problem.

The first year My sewing job was still pretty strong. I tried to set up things so we could make it financially out here in the middle of no where. I was stupid I should have gone to college to be a doctor. Vets don't make it here. matter of fact no one makes it here except people who know other people... a lot of the men log. adults work at walmart and lowes. there are no jobs in the paper. i comingled non marital assets. so now he wants to own this house and me live here. which is what our agreement is. but since i bought this house and put in both names. it doesn't set well with me. or ever will.. our relationship is fair. but the bottom line is we don't have enouph fun and don't do enouph with the kids. the kids are nearly grown. so we kind of missed our opportunity though there is still opportunity. I have spent several trips with lee... one to florida and one skiing one to the beach but it was cold no bikinis so he wasn't too thrilled...

I have this stuff now farm equipment truck trailer the stupid semi that caused this all. I don't have morgan. I wasted time I could have had with him. Mind you he could have come out here also. And i asked him when we first moved here to come out here and go to school and I would help him. I should have bribed him. or stayed in MD and both of us could have done school together. Now I have lost all interest... Which I know will eventually come back some point in time... Never be the same.... My dreams have been shattered. Both due to the divorce and particularily because he died...I can't imagine my mind thinking of anything else in the morning. it is so abrupt... so real.. so sad... so forever...

I litterally don't feel like doing anything. I smoke.. not heavy...don't really like it. but since i don't like anything it is an escape from nothing.

The horses are ok. I haven't sold all of them. I breed them. Which used to be ok when you could sell the foals but now. they don't sell well. and of course they are work. but i always kind of liked being forced to go out and feed. and do fences. make hay. I am a sad case.. Just down in the lip because i made my choices. they were wrong ones. perhaps not all wrong. Cass has thrived here. she can go and come four wheel and go to the creek she is doing excellent in school. she has adjusted to her parents fighting. it is wrong and we try not to fight now in front of her fact we are so sick of fighting.. numbness sets in and that is not good either.

I think i will go back to college

it is a long story... with not a good ending.. My son died.... Thank god he lived... But he was too young to die... And I didn'thelp him... Didn't get inside his mind... Didn't do the things i thought of doing.It is so sad. Life sucks when you can't keep your child alive. But I will be ok. I have a spirit like morgans in there somewhere... a strong spirit...I will be thankful for the day it is released. love to you also carrie

[dlj0403]

Thank you for the rainbow pictures...

Carol, What a sweet and beautiful voice Cathi has, it brings tears to my eyes. Is she playing the guitar as well? Her story touched my heart too; I'm glad they were able to have that time together. I read a little on Mike's site. Your mention of how it took her some time to warm up to having a new member of the family brought such memories. Shawn also had a bit of a tough time sharing the spotlight he held for 4 years. I broke up more fights than a hockey referee with a long career. They scoffed at my words that they were brothers and should be nice to one another, and some day they'd be close. The past few years they were closer than ever; I'm grateful they had that time.

Amy Lyn - I too offer you the saddest of welcomes to our family. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Allana. As others have said it's the one place we know everyone really does understand and care. It feels like an impossible journey but we don't travel it alone.

Deanna - Jenna is beautiful, thank you for sharing the pictures. I'm so very sorry for your pain. I absolutely believe in all of the signs she's been sending you. I also have a couple of pictures for you. It is a picture I took in my back yard and was of a double rainbow over my willow tree. The second rainbow is a little tough to make out in the pic but it's on top of the brighter one. The poem is part of something I found on line somewhere in my on-line travels. It kinda fits the night...it's after 4am and I still can't sleep.

Well not too bad for typing in the dark but I should attempt some sleep. Love and prayers to all.

[dlj0403]

I went to the doctor yesterday. They changed my antidepressants from Oleptro to Cymbalta...I can't function today. Just glad it's the weekend or I would be calling in to work. She said I would have energy...ready for it to kick in.

[ericasmom]

Carol, first, I love what Cathi wrote of her Brother, a beautiful memoir of a time that will always be between them, a wonderful connection that will always be. And the voice, though i remember feeling honored to hear it when we met in Minnesota, hearing it again is so lovely. Thanks for posting this. As far as your feeling as though you are traveling down the hallways of anxiety right now, a time you would like to head off, know that if you go there, we will go with as much as we can, and keep you company, the way you do for everyone here.

Betsy, I hope that Dan does get his life in order, find ways to live it well. I think that Dear Rich has forgiven him as well, and it is giving of you to let that go as well. I hope that you feel the hope of spring in your world, though we know that there is plenty more winter, the promise of spring remains. That miracle of rebirth.

Karen, the photos of the rainbows are lovely, so sweet to my eyes. It is good to see Shawn's handsome face, a day of handsome faces here with Rich and Shawn and Brian from yesterday, both Brian's in fact in the last few days. Two Mikes and Boom! we are surrounded by beautiful Boys. And then there are our Girls. We do have such beautiful Angels.

Amy Lynn and Jenna's mom, is it Deirdre, DEE? two dees. I lost my girl as I told you last evening, in 2003, the summer of. I am a teacher so I was still on summer break but at the time told my boss, Cathy, I did not think I would still be able to teach, did not know if I would love the kids anymore. She said, just try it out when school starts, and if you can't we will get a long term substitute. It was good of her to say that because as it turned out, I went back to work with a whole new group of third graders, a group that would never meet my little girl, (all my other groups had) and the day to day of thier little lives helped me to figure out the path I was on. I needed to be there but for some going back to work isn't the answer needed, or part of the healing. So it is all individual indeed. Eri died six days after her car was struck by an AMTRAK at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo Michigan. She never opened her beautiful blue-green eyes again, her brain was destroyed by the impact. She too was a donor but could not give her major organs due to the oxygen deprivation when we finally unplugged all the efforts of keeping her alive. She however kept on giving too, her corneas landed in two different folks the next day, her heart valves, her bone and joints landed in others, and I do believe that Gift of LIfe Michigan said that she helped out in about 60 operations. Wow, that Girl of Mine, always lending herself to others. So I am warmed by this knowledge but I sure wish that one recipient would have contacted us, just somehow having contact with someone that has a piece of ERi in them...something poetic and stunning about that. (me being selfish). Anyhow, Erz and I had just had a conversation a half hour prior to her being struck. We laughed and caught up a bit. She had surprised visited us two days prior to that. She lived in Michigan with my Son, her dear brother, Jon. He asked her if she wanted her to live with he adn some friends when summer was nearly over in 2002. Most of Erica's friends were going off to wonderful college lives across the USA, she never liked school nor did school well, and so she had no opportunity waiting for her. She was afraid of what life was going to be like when they all went away, and Jonathan asked her to come to Kalamazoo. So she and Jon and friends went part time to Kalamazoo community college, and worked. She was never so happy. I am so glad that she ahd that chance to find pure joy in being a young adult. She even fell in love. My kids grew up here, in the Chicagoland area, jsut outside of Chi-town. Their Daddy and I were divorced when Eri was 9 and Jon was 12. I remarried five years later and live only three blocks from Eri's dad. We had become friends again before Eri was killed, thanks heavens. Jon moved home with his dad after we lost ERi. Anyhow, after ERi died, we fought in the Federal Courts in Michigan some, eventually Amtrak walked away with little blame. Once our fight was ended, about 4 years after ERi died, Mike, (their dad) became ill. He had leukemia and in 10 months he was gone. So Jonathan has dealt with so much sadness, he is such a nice young man, 29 years old now. Planning a to marry his Girl in November.

So that is our lives in a nutshell, there is so much more of course, but don't want to take up so much space now. Suffice it to say that life moves with or without us, and we find ways to breathe and locate the good again, it takes a long while, but we get there after a lot of work and effort. I will tell my stories of Eri messing around with me later, but oh does she ever and I am thrilled that she does. I will also tell about the amazingly beautiful rainbow on the day of her death, also her way of letting us know that she was fine.

Peace one day folks.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, love the photos, and boy does Sarah look like Rich. Beautiful is right.

Betty, so good to see you but sad that you are going through some tough times both with sister and with memories. It is one of those things that catches us off guard, the blinding pain of losing our Babies. I am holding your hand, I am walking through Central Park with you and drinking some good coffee. In fact, my hubby bought the Central Park poster for me and I love it. He knows that I love the park, and all of the trees, the tree guide is not as useful as it should be, and he felt badly that it was a poor excuse for a guide, but the poster and the thought that went behind it is lovely. I love it and looking at it reminds me of you which is an added bonus.

Lorri, the photos are wonderful. Love the little kids photo. WOW, prom dresses cost what wedding dresses used to cost. Having gone wedding dress shopping with Shannon recently, my jaw hit the floor at the cost. But oh, there are so many beautiful dresses.

[Cdawn75]

My Name is Christy, I am new here and i have been reading posts on here for hours. My Son Passed away on july 15, 2009 @ 1:08 a.m. My Son, My Daughter and a few of their friends decided to go for a midnight swim that night after they had apparently consumed Alcohol. Getting that call from my panic'd 17 y.o. daughter is something that i dont think i will ever shake loose. Arriving at the river that night and waiting for the rescue crews to find the lifeless body of my son was horrifying. That night changed me. I have this emptiness in my heart,my soul, my life, my hopes and dreams for How Clinton would have turned out, how many babies he would have , what he would have chose to do with his self, career wise. He was so very talented in so many things. He was an avid skater, Football player, artist, he would have excelled highly in drama and theater. He had a heart of gold and would help anyone and stand up for that was being picked on or mistreated. He was loved by so many peers in our hometown. Those children he was friends with showed me great love and honor and respect for my Clinton as about 75 kids praying and holding a candle light vigil in memory of my son, their friend. I was touched. i have been so lost and sad, broken, sometimes unable to breathe. My Mom and My Clinton were very close to each other. My Mom was who i talked to, cried to, layed beside her while she rubbed her hands through my hair , telling me that he is always with us, he is our angel, that everyone has a path choosen for them and God Needed him to come home to tend to his duties he was ment to do. I dont have that comfort and emotional support anymore either. My Mom had been sick for bout 17 yearrs with COPD. She got really sick in may 2010. After being released from the hospital as her POA , myself and the doctor and my family decided it would be best to put her on hospice. Thats what we did. I quit my job to take care of my mom in her finals months. She passed away July 1, 2010 just 14 days shy of Clinton being gone for a year. I'm a wreck. I have some good days, some bad, and some REALLY BAD. My really bad days have just passed , Clinton would have turned 17 a few days ago, feb 16th. I find myself sometimes wanting and needing to know how he felt , if he suffered, if he was scared as he was taking under by the current. It makes me even more so devistated to think he was scared, suffered, if he was aware of what was going on. Enough for now. this is one of the first times i have openly talked about my fears, thoughts, feeling with the outside world and its a little rough.

[sadmomm]

Hi Cristy I am Carrie Morgans Mom I lost my son in the same tragic way. Which is ironic you too are finally here. I came here and read things in may but didn't come back until just recently and my story was very hard to tell. It is very Tragic and the thoughts are constantly going through my mind. This board is helpful but not as private as I would like. I am also having severe marital problems. My life has really gone down the tubes since before that tragic day last march.I can't turn it off. I awake every morning with that horrible thought. and it is true. I am so sorry we and our children have suffered this tragedy. I have other childre also. Between my problems I have severe depression. No real will to do much. I have the potential to have a decent life. I am having trble finding happiness in anything. I got life all wrong and Morgan died and I cannot get it right now. Hopefully with time I will heal. I hope you do also. Morgan didn't have children either. He was an outdoorsman as i suppose your son was.. It was difficult to find people whose children died in this manner. No manner is kind. although drugs seem to just put them to sleep. But I think there is a lot more to it. just sadness. thanks for sharing your story. I was skared to share mine. I don't think Morgan would like me talking about it. But I suppose if i was the one who died he would be talking about me. He loved to talk. a philosopher. very kind gentle man. a huge part of who i was. now who am i.. carrie morgans mom

[daveydow1]

Betsy---- Glad to see Rich's smiling face,.....and glad to see you posting. Peace to you.

Leah----Yep---that flu stuff is nasty, and hard to get rid of, it seems. Glad that you mom is doing o.k.

Hope everyone in your household will be over all the colds/flu very soon.

Amy Lyn----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Allana. As others here have said.....this is

the best place to come and read/post . Everyone here understands your pain and sorrow. Please come

back to this site. Again.....I am sorry for your loss.

Dee------ I Started counting birds. There aren't as many at the feeders since all the snow and ice is gone,

but quite a few doves came this a.m., along with a couple downy woodpeckers. That fat squirrel sometimes

comes and scares them off.....then he feasts on the larger seeds. Also, there was that hawk soaring around

in the sky over the back fields, so they may have been nervous about him.

Jennasmom------I am sorry for your loss of your daughter, Jenna. She is such a beautiful young woman.

I hope you will continue to come to BI. I think you will find that there are many here who, while also grieving,

wish only to help in some small way, and to understand your sorrow. Thoughts & prayers, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Christy - I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Clinton. I am also sorry for the loss of your mother which just adds to your already broken heart. Beyond Indigo has been a life saver for me. I don't suppose it's the right venue for everyone, but it has been perfect for me. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died from injuries sustained in an ATV accident on 8-9-09. She left behind 3 young children whom my husband and I are raising. There is no easy way to lose a child. I suppose we all wonder if our child suffered or was scared. The one thing we all have in common is that we have lost a child and our lives have been forever altered. We do the best we can, together, one day at a time.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Christy, my goodness what a sadness you have inside of you. You should be very proud of yourself for sharing this story, the story of your Dear Clinton's death, as it is hard and it makes it all that much more real. Clinton sounds a lot like many of our Kids here. Well loved and with a great big heart. You will hear this often and at this point it might not make a big difference, but one of our members says: Our children are so much more than the day they died, they are all those days before. So Clinton, it seems, lived a good life, not long enough, I know, but a good strong life. He sounds like just the sort of friend my Daughter, Eri would have loved. And so I hope that she and Clinton and all of the lovely ones here are hanging out together. Please feel free to tell us anything, everything, and show us photos. We are all of us in complete understanding of just what it took for you to find this place, and we wrap our hearts around you as you make this step. You have come to a good place.

Peace one day.

Sherry, many birds at the feeder today, sparrows, finch, cardinals, a few jays, and juncos. ILOVE THE BIRDS!

[Cdawn75]

ericasmom,

that is so true he lived a very good and full life, however short it was...i'm not remembering much from his funeral thats just a great big blurr but the one part i do remember is the pastor talking about the dates of Feb 16, 1994-july 15,2009 ....he said we arent here to remember those dates that are inscribed but to remember what the - (dash) stood for, the life and meaning and memories that these 15 yrs have provided us. which is a rather good way to look at it. i know he is still here and always will be in heart and soul. I visited with a medium, and had a hr long session with her. It was amazing and if i could afford it i would go weekly. But i've only been the one time. i know there has to come a time to let go because holding on to them holds them back from fully entering the light. I guess there was some good and bad things about going to a medium for answers. but not to get into that in here. thats something for each their own. sometimes i do find it hard to parent my other children at times. Its this fear in the pit of my stomach. we are taught growing up and as parents our job as a parent is to make sure your children are happy, healthy, and safe. I guess its fear of "failing" another child. When i had to tell my then 6 yo, 10, yo 12 yo children that their brother had drown and that he died and they would never see him again till we were all in heaven one day...not only did i have all this pain and suffering and emotional breakage, but i also felt their pain i felt as if i was moments away from dying of heartbreak....its just so unreal....i never expected to be one of those people that understood and can say i understand how you feel to a grieving parent, as i am sure none of us ever expected to be. My heart goes out to you ericasmom and also to yours msnher. i am truly sorry for your losses. We have overcome the worst nightmare imaginable, we are still standing, we are strong and brave people and love our children and their memories!

[kmb22]

Edit

[daveydow1]

Christy-----I think we may have posted at the same time, since I did not see your post when I wrote most recently today.

I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son., Clinton. There are others here at this site who have lost young

teens in several heartbreaking ways. Your son must have been a very gentle and kind person. The pain and devastation

that has hold of you now is so understandable. As you say,.....it is a terrible loss, and there are things we will never

know....such as what they would have accomplished, and how many children they would become the parent of. My

son was 31 and single when he died in a terrible highway crash. I, too, wonder so many times what his life would be

like had he lived. My 6 mo. old baby girl, Lisa, died years ago of accidental choking with resulting pneumonia and cardiac

arrest. It is only natural that we, as parents, would ask ourselves these unanswerable questions. I think that

this site will be of help to you, if you care to join in, and read/post when you feel the need. I hope that you come back

to BI. Also, so sorry that you lost your dear mother. Wishing you peace and comfort, friend.

Karen----We have manys of opportunities where I live to see lots of wildlife and birds. They are logging in the woods back

of the fields across the road, so the animals are going to other nearby woods areas to find a place to habitate. ( the

logging woods are not our property ). It's fun to see how many different birds & animals we can see, (or in some cases,

only hear.......like the coyotes.....we have only spotted one very rarely.....they are nocturnal by nature.)

Dee----I kept watching the feeders, but it has been a day when birds visiting the feeders has been fewer in number. I

did not see one cardinal or bluejay, as we usually see. I believe it may be that hawk soaring around in the sky, and

the birds heed their instincts that there may be danger.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - First I want to say that I am sorry to the newest members here, I have not taken the time to get to know you, I am so sorry for your loss of your child and the pain that you are enduring but believe me when I say that you have found the site that will help you more than any other site.....I am sorry you have to be here but welcome you with open heart...

I am feeling as Betty stated....cannot seem to construct any words to post although many thoughts in my head.....I am reading each post and sometimes have to back up just to catch up but please know that I am here, always here and all of you are in my heart....hugs to all, Kathy

[charsng1234]

Hi all, I just got back from walmart just to get out I had to have a certain shower hook,, Don;t know why the cashier could not get someone to find the price so I stormed off!! I ran into the asst mang and started crying over the hooks.. She was so sweet I told her I was sorry but my son jussed passed away a month ago. She told me the hooks were mine and told me to show her the rude cashier.. Its so sad because I no longer have patients.. I used to were did they go???My mom will be here next sunday I hope she can help me with some of this pain.. It is always there It has become my best friend/ nightmare.I have a bottle of wine chilling my husband brought me some lavander beads to soak in I hope it helps me sleep.. I just hate the weekends now.. But than again all days seem the same.. Sadness and dread.How do I pick up my heart to be there for my other kids.. I feel so bad I am almost afraid to love them like I used to!! What is wrong with me??? I want to love again just dont know if I am capable of doing it.. Sorry Christy for your loss My prayers are with you.. All of you!! Night to all. Shanes mom.... Sharon..

[rlolheiser]

Its been pretty hectic here, and impossible to keep up I am just getting old I guess.. I have been trying to catch up on my house, it is terrible. I sat my daughter down and told her that her children have helped in the mess and I expect her to help. She finally donated a few hours to me yesterday so it looks like humans might dwell here again. I still have lots to do, and no energy, but I think it will fall into place a little at a time. My lungs still hurt a little but is so much better...

Susannah .. thank you my friend... I so wish I could be taken care of... it sounds like a dream... yep.. that's it.. very nice.. and so nice to have a friend think of it hugs..

Dee.. I had a dream of you tucking me in... kinda funny how things stick in your thoughts.. and appear... it started me so much I woke up laughing.. which was a good thing.

Carol, your words move my heart as usual, I love the story of going the distance

I wish I could respond to everybody, but I am not quite there yet. I read each of your precious words and hear of your sorrows and I walk by your side in spirit. How I remember so much of the emotions and sadness you go through, heck.. still times I go through them, only with time we learn to adjust our lives, we learn how to walk with our memories and our angels forever learning.

Today my girl would have been 15.. how I miss her, miss watching her grow into a young woman.. holding close the memories I have of her at 10. All the plans she made for these past years just gone in an instant. I have been talking to my son asking him how much he remembers of her, cause I fear for the loss of my memories, I need to remember. I try to talk with mom, but her mind has kind of melted everybody into one person. She will talk about her, but the memories are of another child, sometimes me. I get frightened that one day I will forget.. I guess I can't worry like that.. I may forget some things, but I will never stop loving or miss her... As she parties in the heavens.. I hope she sends a little extra light here to us.. I sure miss her..JaBoa.. JaBoa.. JaBoa..JaBoa

Thats about all I have for now... take care my friends and family... thank you so much for being you and sharing your lives and your loves.

[mysonrich]

JaBoa, JaBoa, JaBoa,

[sadmomm]

Karen I am glad you spoiled your son shawn. Not as many regrets you knew you made them as happy as possible. We afre planning on moving back to MD after our daughter goes to college. We enjoy riding motorcycles. We kind of screwed up with the kids. Well both being divorced it makes for an uncomfortable environment. Who teaches us about happiness other than our parents. Being bipolar i had a real hard time with it. Still do. But I know nothing made me happier in life than having my three children and nursing them. I just could have done so much more. Lee is 21 now and decided school is the answer. Which I am very thankful for. Cass is only 16 and doing very well as a junior in high school. My mom didn't spoil me had me go to work at 16 and pretty much set me free. Dumbly I compared my own life with that orf my children... NO ones life should be compared. Morgan was born with a port whine stain on his face. He was different. He was a very happy child. I always treated him totally normal. But I am sure this affected him. ...Morgan should have lived to outlive me as should have your shawn... But somehow this didn't happen. LOve to you and all indigos we need it. Our lives forever changed..

Cristy. I am sorry to use the word ironic. It was a hurtful word and I am very sorry. I should hvae used horrible. anything.but that.. There is so muchy pain in this loss and sadness ... One gal at his funeral was saying he was in a better place. His place was on this earth being Morgan. To see his mom grow old and have fun and children.. Love his family... There was a child 18yrs who drown here in KY in lake cumberland in May 2010. I went to his funeral and told him about my son. He hugged me and said you know exactly how I feel. The next day I was there again. and he said to me something about this makes you feel better... I told him nothing makes me feel better. How cruel ... Not intentionally cruel. Just sad. we are so burdened. I would really like to do something about drowning awareness. In memory of my son. The only thing I can think of is newspapers... I feel if I had warned him more and perhaps put up a lifejacket with danger in his room.. this horrible tragedy wouldn't have happened. I really don't understand why it happened. Other than it was a horrible mistake he made that day. He was trapped in the ice. But it was march and you would think he would know the ice was not thick. We don't know what happened. I am leaning toward that he fell. There is also a slight notion that perhaps someone pushed him. But i don't think so. But you know how the mind works. You want an answer. But there are none. Rick was cruel to me yesterday and said he has been gone a year you need to get on with your life. Rick doesn' tlike me geting on the computer either. i am so sorry. carrie morgans mom

[sadmomm]

happy birthday Jaboa I am glad you made your family so happy.[size="7"]

[Guest msnher]

Sweet JaBoa! Happy Belly Button Day!

Love to you, Leah!

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - I'm glad you found the manager to help you at Wal Mart. Wal Mart is enough to cause a normal person to have a break down on a good day...let alone a grieving mother. You are just a month out, Sharon, you have a long way to go. Be gentle with yourself, Dear Soul! Don't expect too much of yourself. This is all part of the process and Lord knows it sucks. The only hope I can give you is there will be easier moments, then hours, then days. You will find laughter and joy again. You will feel the sun on your face again. Right now it is too soon. Please know you don't walk alone. I'm so glad you come here to talk to us. Hugs to you!

Leah, I sure wish I could get Stephanie to help clean up the mess her children are making. LOL Seriously, I'm glad you talked to your daughter and she helped. How's it going with her boyfriend?

Well I am showered and sitting in the living room - baby steps out of my bedroom. Jasmine is sitting next to me reading Dr Seuss "The Cat in The Hat". She's reading very well. Her teachers won the grant for all summer long summer school. They have room for only 10 students and want Jasmine and Mariah to be two of them. Of course we will do it. Mariah is a year behind in school and Jasmine is two years behind. Jonathon is a year behind but not because he wasn't ready to move forward. We didn't want him to be in the same grade as Jasmine so we kept him in pre school two years. Just now she smiled at me and said, "You're typing and I'm reading. We're both doing something with words. That's fun."

Wishing you all a good day.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom - it's snowing.

[nicksdad]

[hotrod]

Sweet JaBoa

Happy Birthday

Visit Grandma and Mom with the warmth

of Your Love

[ericasmom]

JaBoa, we say your name proud and loud as youzip through the air, a tiny zephyr spreading love, Happy Heavenly birthday Sweetest Girl. You are your Grandmom's Jewel.

love you Leah, if I could tuck you in I would...

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday sweet girl Jaboa

Leah-Holding you close in my heart and wishing you peace on this day and always. I hope you feel the love of Jaboa surround you all throughout the day.

[lostwoher]

HaPPy HaPPy HaPPY BirTHdaY JaBoa JaBoa JABOA

[lostwoher]

No offense to the administrators but this will always be Beyond Indigo to me. This site is more about healing and sharing than grieving. Grief is what brought us all together but there is more to it.

Just my 2 cents

[mikesmomrs]

JaBOA....JaBOA.....JaBOA....party with our angels, sweet girl...let them accompany you on this day of your birth...spread your wonderful essence about your beautiful grandma, mom and family...let them know that you are happy and free, and holding them close until you all meet again.

Leah: You are in my heart as you travel this journey, and especially today.

[kmb22]

JaBoa...JaBoa...JaBoa...Happy Heavenly Birthday precious angel. Leah, My thoughts, prayers, and love is with you; May Jaboa's sweet presence surround.

[charsng1234]

happy birthday JaBoa let your family feel your presence today... Shanes mom.. sharon

[kmb22]

Carrie – I’m so sorry for the regretful feelings but I’ve seen no matter how we decided the “right” way to raise out children was, we will always question each and every choice we make. Unfortunately we weren’t given a book with an index to look up each struggle and get answers to what would give the best outcome. There were so many sleepless, tearful nights along the way praying for answers to the question…” How do I handle THIS one??”

It is so true we sometimes only have our own experiences as children to use as a guide. My own mother is sadly a very selfish, self centered woman, who to this day I still can’t figure out why she had children…though she informed me early on that I was not planned. When I was 14 she completely lost her mind. She claimed my step father was boring and started hanging around with young guys, some friends of my older sister, some of who we went to HS with. Word gets around quick in HS for sure…it was horrifying. She’d go to the bar every night and when my step dad had enough and told her it had to stop, she tried to take a bottle of pills. He left that night, leaving me to clean up the mess, and never came back. My house quickly became the party house in town. At 16, I’d had enough and moved in with my now ex-husbands family. I tried to forgive my mom but she always has a capability to make any difficult situation so much worse. Years later as I was going through my divorce she decided that was the time to let me know she believed I was “abused” by my “real” dad when I was 2. WTH! Yup, that information made everything make sense eh? There’s so much more but I’d be here for days. Through this I thought maybe, just maybe, something would snap her into mother mode, but again I was wrong.

I didn’t mean go into this whole story but I guess I never really do when I start to write. My purpose was more to say that we all use our experiences as a guide and sometime it’s used to guide us in the complete opposite direction of what we got. My experiences led me to do more, be more involved, and care more about everything. I got too involved sometimes and at times it drove them away. One of the last conversations I had with Shawn he said “Mom, you care WAY too much about stupid things.” I live with those words every day. It especially backfired with my youngest son…and right now he refuses to speak to me. So you see, no matter which way we choose to use our experiences, it seems impossible to get it all right and we all live with regret. There are so many things I would change if I could…and now I’m left praying he understands a little more why I did the things I did.

I’m so sorry any of us have to be left with this regret; I know we all did the best we could.