Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - It does get worse before it gets better. That's not good news, I know....because it already seems so bad. But, it will get better. Or at least easier. It takes time. For what it's worth, I'm glad you're here, with us. Somehow it does help as we walk this new path together.

[westleysmom]

Lorri-Kourtney was such a beautiful bride. I'm so sorry that she is gone, but I'm glad for you and her that she got to have that special day when she was the Princess. I guess we all have a February here, mine is January and I was glad to see the back end of it. She is a Princess every day now, I'm so sorry that you can only see her in memories and pictures now.

Sharon-I have to agree with Susannah that hard as it is to believe, it does get worse before it gets better, at least it did for me. I think the first few months I was in complete denial. When that wore off is when it got worse, and it sounds like it didn't take you as long to get past that part as it did me, so you're in the really bad place right now. When it was getting really bad is when I found BI and everybody here really helped me to realize that anyone who is going through this feels like they're in an alternate reality or topsy-turvy world or something, and it messes with your mind. Try to get some rest after the long day of the fundraiser, those things where you feel you have to wear the mask are so tiring, even if it seems like you're not really doing anything, just trying to get through it without falling apart is a chore.

Warm here too, Dee and Colleen and Susannah, unnaturally so. Is this weekend the big birdwatching counting thing? It seems like I saw something about it in the paper or on tv or something.

Hope each one of you can find something good in today, something to be thankful for. Some days I forget to be thankful, and if I'm honest, those are probably my hardest days of all.

[daveydow1]

Amy----I so know what you mean when you say that you only want to go back to the happy times before your sweet Ashley

left this earth. Someone here said that it's always 'BEFORE & AFTER' with us when we've lost our children. My husband

also said those same words......."My life is ruined".....after Davey died. When Lisa died years ago at 6 mo. old, he just

tried to drink his pain away, and said it only made it worse. Peace to you.

Sus----My....450 people attended Stephanie's funeral. I would say that only about 30 people were at Davey's funeral, but

the wake the previous night had many people coming through. Don't remember how many came to Lisa's wake or funeral....

long time ago. The details have faded with time.....not the memory, though.

kathy-----So kind of all the people who donated for Jessica's funeral and headstone.

Lorri----Such a sweet voice Kourtney has. I have a similar message on an old message machine that Dave had. Sometimes

I want to get it out & listen to it, but then I don't do it.

Karen-----Thanks for posting the beautiful song by Danny Gokey.....I remember him on American Idol, and thought he had

a good voice.

Trudi----We never got Dave's cellphone back after the accident that killed him. Pics of his crushed car shows how nothing

much in it would survive. So sorry that Amanda took over so completely in the planning of Mike's funeral. That would, indeed,

be heartbreaking not to be able to have much input for the planning for the services of your beloved son.

Carol-----That first funeral home sounds so very harsh in their handling of your request for details, and trying to explain about the

insurance money. They sound so mercenary.....really. We were very well treated at the funeral home where Davey's services were

held. Instead of selecting clothing from the funeral home, we opted to use some of my husband's clothing for Davey. Later,.....a

couple months down the road, we were beating ourselves up for not getting new clothing, as we could have afforded it. We cried,

and mulled this over & over and tortured ourselves about it. Then, the years passed, and we began to make peace with ourselves,

and felt that we had made the right choice in using Davey's father's clothes. The funeral director who took care of us was not at all

high-pressure or asking for payment upfront. I'm sorry that your family had to go through that.

Dee-----I read your story of buying a burial plot for ERI, and the thoughtless woman who took you around, and spoke as though she

were selling appliances. I had read it before, but had forgotten some of the details. Man,........we run into some boneheaded people,

don't we ? People who talk before thinking. . I was outside

today.....sweeping out the garage, and going to the barn to look for something. A cardinal was way up in the maple tree singing his little heart out.....so nice to see some signs of spring. 55 degrees today.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Sus - In the first year after Micheal died my husband took me to local fair. It was a 'natural therapies and spirit' thing. I was a zombie. I walked through rows of 'englightend ones' all offering to 'do a reading' for a price.

I needed a coffee so walked to the back of the hall where they were serving. I passed a young woman sitting on a rug. She was offering massages for a donation. I hadn't met this girl nor she me. She stood and told me there was someone who needed to talk to me. His name was Micheal. She asked if she could do a reading for me. So I sat, (stumbled) to the floor next to where she had been sitting. She said Micheal wanting me to know that Amanda had nothing to do with his leaving. He didn't mean to leave so soon. He was worried that if I continued to be so focussed and angry with Amanda it might make me ill.

I sat there and watched her face as she spoke of Micheals spirit and the last day of his life. She bought out a crystal on a chain. As she went throught the early hours of Mikes last day the pendulum swayed gently back and forth, slowing around 9.30am and stopping completely at 10.20am, the time his death was called. This young girl spoke of Mikes daughter Harmony, by name. Like I said, I didn't know her. Micheals death wasn't a news story, yet she knew so much of our lives.

We sat for just on 2hrs as she assured me that Micheal was with Steven and Melissa. Steven would feel stronger even though losing Micheal would be the hardest thing for him to endure. Melissa would change direction in her life, living each day to the fullest.

As I rose to my feet, I thanked her. She had eased an ache. We offered to give her money. She refused saying it was her pleasure. Meeting Micheal was something she would cherish. A gentle soul with so much energy and love....

So ~ I thank you for your post....my belief is that Mike is painfree, his energy able to soar without the bonds of his earthly body. I also found if I tried to post a poisious angry post on Amanda way back I would lose it.....his way of saying 'let it go mum'.

I will my son my son.......waiting to see you again.....

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS....WENT TO CEMETERY AROUND 3 AND A GIRL THAT HER HUBBY IS BURIED BY KOURTNEY CALLED MY WHILE I WAS ON MY WAY AND TOLD ME "GIRL THERES A RED DODGE CHARGER HERE," I SAID "DOES SHE HAVE SHORT FROSTED HAIR" SHE SAID "YES SHE DOES AND ANOTHER LADY IS WITH HER".....BELIEVE IT OR NOT THIS WAS KOURTNEYS MOTHER IN LAW...NOT ONE WORD FROM HER SINCE KOURTNEY DIED...NOT A IM SORRY, THIS BITES. OR POOR BRENT...NOTHING....I GUESS SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT HER TODAY AND WENT TO CEMETERY...MADE ME FEEL GOOD THAT SHE STILL THINKS OF HER...

OK LADIES RUN TO WALGREENS THEY HAVE SOLAR BUTTERFLIES AND SOLAR ANGELS $10 AND $15 REALLY NEAT I SAW THE BUTTERFLY AT CRACKERBARREL AND DIDNT BUY IT....GLAD I DIDNT ITS CHEAPER AT WALGREENS...

[aim630]

Lorri-Beautiful girl, beautiful voice. It's so unfair she did not even get to celebrate her first anniversary. I agree, February is a bad month. I've always disliked it, due to being tired of winter and it never seeming to end, but now I really hate it. I can't even begin to understand people like your mother-in-law never saying a word to you, but I guess everyone deals with their grief differently. At least she was there thinking about her today.

Sherry-I can't even imagine going through this twice, like you did. I would want to say, "haven't I paid my dues to this terrible club, why should I have to pay again??" I also think you made the right choice in burying Davey in his father's clothes. I sometimes wear Ashley's clothes, and it makes me feel a little closer to her, although I would give anything if she was here and able to wear them herself. I could not go to the store to buy her outfit for her funeral. My mom, aunt & step-daughters took care of it, and they also took care of picking out makeup for her. Sometimes I feel bad for being jealous of my step-daughters, when they helped out so much back then. The oldest one, Chris, is studying to be a nurse, and last year she spent a lot of time at the hospital, translating what the doctors were saying. About a week before Ashley died, they both went & washed her hair & painted Ashley's nails.

Trudi-I'm glad you got to speak to someone who was able to connect with Micheal, and that she was able to give you some peace. Some months back, Ashley's best friend went to a medium, and she got a lot of things right, that I really don't know how she would have known.

Dee & Carol-I'm sorry you had to deal with cold, unfeeling people at such a difficult time.

Colleen, Susannah, Rhonda, Crystal, Kathy, Karen, Sharon-and anyone else I haven't named-Thank you for sharing your stories and feelings every day. It helps me to be stronger, knowing I am not the only one going through this.

Oh & Susannah, yes it has warmed up temporarily here (to about 50), and the drain in our basement backed up & flooded the laundry room. It happens about twice a year-disgusting...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[shorty16]

Thinking of you today Lorri

Tough days to go through with the coulda and shoulda beens.

Thanks for sharing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Hi Sweethearts All,

busy day in the classroom, wild little guys outside adn speaking of wild, do you see that full moon? It is gorgeous. Husband and I went out to buy a new cheap phone for me, my oldie is finally dying, but I want a simple phone, no bells and whistles. So now John is programming it. We ended up going out to eat as well. Yum, someone elses cooking. I had an ahi-tuna burger. Delicious.

Sus, thanks for that, I admire you for all you do in a day with three little ones underfoot. Goodness knows that the day in day out committment is huge. Blessings.

Yes, Sherri, the birds are activated adn Rhonda, Cornell University does a whole bird counting thing, sign on and be a counter so that they can record the journey of so many kinds of birds. It is truly an amazing feat isn't it? Migrating sometimes thousands of miles in order to survive. My fine feathered friends.

The cold will be back starting tomorrow, but the wind is howling tonight.

Jon is going to a Bulls game tonight, hope they win.

Karen, you are a Dolly. If I can help you feel a second of peace, well then, I am most joyous.

Lorri, your Beautiful Daughter is definitely a princess with wings. So beautiful and special for all time.

Carol, those goofs from the first funeral home...icky people, but how lovely the second funeral home. I am so glad that you were able to find these folks, the good people whose hearts were in their work. I will never forget how beautiful Cathi's voice was/is singing tha tsong to her Brother. I am so glad that we sat and watched those films together, six woman in a hotel room weeping and drinking wine and joined by our broken hearts.

Trud, I remember the story of the seer, the woman who told you about Micheal. I love that story.

[lolynbo]

HUGS AMY DEE COLLEEN...THINKING OF YALS ANGELS TOO...KOURTNEYS NEW TRUE FRIENDS

[lolynbo]

In 2009, Tagsby Racing rose again, and remains afloat with the help of several Ardmoreites.

“It’s been kind of a community effort,” Ron said of the numerous Ardmore residents who help the team out with anything ranging from body work and decals to paint and regular mechanic work. “We’ve come a long ways in a short time.”

In NASCAR, money from sponsors can equate to more race opportunities and the quality of automobile a team is able to put on the track. Because of limited sponsorship, Tagsby has had to race a part-time schedule since its return to the truck series. Its ultimate goal is to be able to run a full season.

Without the financial clout and sponsorship dollars of a major racing team like Richard Childress or Rouch Fenway, Tagsby has assembled its group of local volunteers, in addition to a full-time crew chief stationed in the epicenter of the racing world — Charlotte, N.C.

Thirty-year-old crew chief Travis Sharpe, a native of Martinsville, Va., joined the Tagsby team about a year ago through a mutual friend. He’s overseen preparation for the team’s last five races.

“It’s a fight for sponsorship, but it’s been good so far,” Sharp said.

“We’ve done really well with the budget we’ve had.”

With such a small pool of funds, it’s imperative that Tagsby does its best to keep all of its six trucks as unscathed as possible. Upon returning to the series after its eight-year hiatus, the team wanted experienced drivers that would give them not only the best chance to win, but less worry about trucks getting destroyed.

“Eighty percent of the time you can do body repair, but wrecking a truck kills us,” team manager Jimmy Wright said. “We try to stick with veteran drivers. (He) knows if we wreck one we might not be able to go race. He understands and appreciates the equipment.”

Tagsby’s current driver is possibly the best man for the job. Rick Crawford, 50, is a legend, a third-generation racer who’s been behind the wheel for more truck starts than anyone in Camping World series history.

In his first of three races with Tagsby last season, Crawford drove the No. 73 truck to its best-ever result — the Chicagoland finish memorialized in the Crosbys’ photo.

“We’re trying to get the program where we’re more competitive and challenging for wins,” Crawford said. “There aren’t many big-time racing teams based in Oklahoma. Most race teams are in North Carolina.

“At the same time, racing is a little bit different. There is such a thing as working hard, but you’ve gotta work smart. They’ve got guys working smart.”

That “smart” work is coming from people you might live next to or do business with. Jody Duvak, owner of Duvak Collision, painted the trucks for the team, and Monty Boatright of Galaxy Signs created the decals.

The newest addition to the volunteer crew, mechanic Steve Ott, says he never thought he’d see a NASCAR team out of Ardmore in his lifetime.

“It’s funny,” he said. “If Ardmore knew if the team existed, they’d probably embrace it quite a bit. People are willing to jump on board and help however they can.”

The Crosbys, along with Wright, Sharpe and Sonntag, are currently in Daytona Beach, Fla., in preparation for Friday’s NextEra Energy Resources 250, the first event in what Tagsby Racing hopes will be a successful season. The competition will be tight, as 56 trucks are trying to qualify today for 36 spots.

The Friday truck series race is followed by the Nationwide Series’ DRIVE4COPD 300 on Saturday and the Sprint Cup Series’ biggest race of the year — the Daytona 500 — on Sunday. Keep your eyes peeled for the black Superseal No. 73.

That’s Ardmore’s truck, a true community cruiser.

“It’s unbelievable what they do with what we have,” Ann said.

OUR LOCAL NASCAR TRUCK...NOTICE HUBBYS NAME

[Guest msnher]

Lorri - So glad your friend saw Kourtney's mother in law at the cemetery so she could tell you. I'm sure Brent remembered too. Hugs to you!

Crystal - Thank you for your grace. The picture I received of the accident completely conflicts with what the witnesses say happened. That's why I completely discount the message from Ashlee at all. Finding out she was shot at his parent's home completely negates the video in my mind.

Sherry - I was told the count was closer to 500, but I don't know. I just know we stood there for what seemed like hours hugging people. Personally, I think burying Davey in his dad's clothes couldn't have been more appropriate or perfect. It was a good choice. I kept Stephanie's robe for myself. I gave a lot of her tops to Mariah. She loves wearing "Mommy's" close. "It's like she hugging me when I wear them, Grandma."

Trudi - I got goosebumps reading what the psychic said to you all that time ago. I couldn't describe your son better. I still feel the wonderful residual of his visit. Puts a smile in my heart.

Everyone else, I just realized there have been several more posts since I began posting and I've already lost my train of thought, so I'm going to close and read. I was interrupted by the toilet flooding the kid's bathroom. Water everywhere. It's all cleaned up and everything's disenfected...including me.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - too heart broken to post but have read the posts and you are all in my heart and prayers....Kathy

[charsng1234]

its 8:10 pm can not breath it hurts so much. My son died from one gun shot to the right side of his head.. all alone i cant do this the pain I am drowning in it. I did not go to work today dont want to go tomorrow. I just want to lay down and sleep so this nightmare will go away. I saw the woman of the house were my son died, we were lighting candles on the side walk. she threw some away said it hurt her to much!!!! I wanted to grab her and tell her feel my pain!!! Please help me get through this my new friends.. I know I can not do it alone...

[ericasmom]

Sharon, I am glad that you guys raised money for the soon-to-be-child of Shane, and I do hope some of the collection can help offset the cost of the funeral. The strain of coping along with the worry of money is too much for a family. I know you feel you are drowning in your pain, and in many ways it is what we do, we drown and then we sputter and come up to the surface again for some air, for reserves, and down we go again to the bottom and find our way back up again and again, and then one day, you will find that there are more days in between the deep water, the treacherous waves. The tricky part is too allow the sinking, allow yourself to go there trusting that you will surface again, and you will find that finding the surface, the place where others are, is usually the place you'll want to be. Oh there will still be times where all the familiar things SUCK, but eventually, things will balance out in a new way, you will find that the work of grief is not only exhausting, but necessary in order to look back and see all the footfalls made to get to this new place. It is all a process, a process that needs to be gone through in order to find goodness again, goodness without the guilt. One day Sharon, you will be able to do this, but not now, it is so soon in the process. Please hang on and just keep telling us what you are feeling. You will not scare us away, nor will you walk alone, we are beside you in the best way we know how to be. Hold tight. Can you get a few weeks off of work right now? Or can you work two days per week and have the time at home to simply be?

Michelle, miss you. Saw some felt covered bird houses in a magazine, felt covered wooden round homes for birds.

Kathy, find the moon and make a wish upon it. It shines for you tonight.

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - We are all here for you. There are no words to ease the pain you are now in. I'm so sorry! It hurts so bad because a huge piece of your anatomy is being ripped from you without anesthetics. Cry, yell, scream...get your feelings out. Can you write about it? None of that helped me....writing did. But, nothing took away the pain. In those early months it felt like the more I cried the worse I felt...but, seriously, it's so necessary to get it out. Love to you...Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[nicksdad]

[hotrod]

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica

Touch Mom and your Beautiful Son, Tavian with the warmth of your love

Tavian has such beautiful eyes and you are reflected in their light

[kmb22]

Jessica...Jessica...Jessica saying your beautiful name, may you wrap your family in your warmth and precious love.

Kathy, My thoughts and prayers are with you, Barry, and Tavian as we approach the 5th year angelversary of your beautiful daughter. Please give that precious little boy a hug from us. {HUG}

[mikesmomrs]

JESSICA...JESS...BEAUTIFUL GIRL, LOVELY WOMAN...DAUGHTER, SISTER AND MOTHER...surround your family with the love you carry for those who love you, let them know you are near.

Kathy, Barry and Tavian...sending love and prayers to all of you, holding you close, sending love and strength.

[mikesmum]

Just wanted to share

Melissa and Steven at the end of Emily's 12th birthday....

Miss Emily Jade, first born grandbaby off to High School (sigh)...

[mysonrich]

Jessica,Jessica,Jessica!

heavenly summer girl, as you watch over handsome Tavian , may the warm sun shine and surround your mother and father with warm memories today and everyday

[ericasmom]

Jessica, Jessica---the world misses your physical presence, but your spirit graces us each day. Fly in close enough to butterfly kiss Tav and Mom, Dad, and Brother today, letting them know that you are always near.Let all of your friends feel your love as you feel theirs.

[shorty16]

Jessica Jessica JessicaSaying your name loud and clear.

I asked Brian to tell the other angels to sing her name in heaven

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Dan, you are the man with those photos

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA JESSICA

There you are! Just a whisper away...oh, closer than a whisper. Let your mom, dad and son feel your presence today!

[Guest msnher]

My spelling is way off...Fingers run wild at the keyboard!

I'm still feeling the lightness after Micheal's visit yesterday. Bliss. He resides in a state of pure bliss. It would be hard to function in face to face life with that going on all the time, but I'd sure like to try. Trudi, looking at the pictures of Melissa, Steven and Emily I can see that same "feeling" in their smiles. You have a very blessed family, my friend. What a gift you are in their lives and they in yours. Spreading fairy dust of love everywhere you all go and not even knowing it. Too cool for words! I just want to hug your whole family and bask in their presence.

Sharon - Did you get any rest last night? How are you this morning? I felt like a prisoner of war those early months. I felt like I was being tortured by God himself. I thought he was mocking my pain...kicking me while I'm down...I was wrong, of course, but that's how I felt. I remember begging for my own death. I already felt dead and was sure if I just tried hard enough my body would stop completely. Yet, there was so much responsibility and I had to "show up" for life...for my husband, for Stehanie's children, for my other children. It's exhausting. Although it was the most painful thing I had ever encountered I also had a sense of wonder about it all. Much like viewing a tornado that had just ripped your home to shreads....the sheer power of it demands our respect. Hang on to us, Dear friend.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Ok. This is weird...REALLY weird, but I'm going to throw it out there. I smell sugar cookies or something baking! Not from my home, I assure you. It is a very pleasant, soft smell of vanilla. Nobody I know.

[westleysmom]

JESSICA Sweet Summergirl, your name is always music to your Mom's ears, but especially today. You will never be forgotten, but will be forever missed and loved. You live in the sparkling eyes of Tavian, your baby, and in the hearts of all who love you.

Kathy-Holding you close and wishing you a moment of peace and beautiful memories to help you through this and every day.

[Crystal16]

Kathy,

I pray you have peace today, know your sweet dear daughter Jessica surrounds you with love!

[shorty16]

testing

[Guest msnher]

Hi Colleen!!!

[shorty16]

Thanks ERIC!!!!!

Fellow Indigos,

For the newbies here on BI, I changed my avatar to spring and summer. Here is the last school picture taken of my beautiful boy, Brian, his junior year.

I love this picture.

Thanks again Eric

Colleen

[daniellemom]

Kathy, Barry, and Tavian - My thoughts and prayers are with your today, may you feel Jessica right beside you and her love for you all is to the moon and back!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lolynbo]

THINKING OF BEAUTIFUL JESSICA WHO IS NOW SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL I CANT EVEN IMAGINE....

[briansdad]

I post this a lot for Jess.Can't help it, love the song and the name Jessie

[Guest msnher]

8yr old Jasmine is going to her first birthday party today (for someone else) The friend's mother is just transporting the kids from school to Burger King and then transporting them home. Jasmine has been so excited all week. All we've heard about is she gets to ride in someone else's car and go by herself to a party. Here's the deal.......I'M A WRECK!!!

[aim630]

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica Surround your mom, dad & son with your beautiful presence today.

Kathy-Sending hugs your way today, as you think of your sweet girl.

[ericasmom]

Sus, the trust that all will be fine is hard to find, it just doesn't come naturally anymore. I hope that she has a fabulous time and that she returns home filled with a sense of growing up and learning how to enjoy herself among her peer.

It felt like a long day to me, don't know why it just did.

Kathy, I hope that you are well and that the day at work was okay, and looking forward to a weekend now.

[charsng1234]

just stopping by to read today!! Am not doing good talk to you all later... Shanes mom!!

[daveydow1]

JESSICA----SWEET JESSICA. SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MOM AND DAD AND DEAR TAVIAN, AND WARM THEIR HEARTS TODAY.

Amy----Thanks for your kind words, Amy. As it was,.....we never even let ourselves think that it would happen again.

It was just too awful to consider in our minds.. I think that we would not be human if we didn't have some jealousy

at one time or another when seeing young ones our child's age.....full of life, active,....living. I guess it might just be

envy rather than green-eyed jealousy with us. We can't help envy the young kids alive, when we do not have our children

anymore. I think we all have felt that way at one time or another. Peace to you, friend.

Betty----Good to see you here.

Dee----I saw a bluebird today. Love those birds. He/she was flying around out by the barn near the grape arbor where

there was a birdbox last year that the birds nested in. However, it fell off the post late in the year (after nesting was over ),

I picked it up and put it in the shed, but will get it back out and have my husband help me try to get it back up again so that

they can nest. Some thoughtful man.....who lived here awhile back.....made the box, and put a piece of plexiglass on the

side, so that one can see inside the box. The box is still if fairly good shape, but over the years, the screws or nails holding

it to the grape arbor post just gave way. Denny was out there pruning back a lot of the old vines, so it will be easier to see

what we are doing. We may not have quite as many grapes this year, though. They needed pruning because the vines were

getting heavier, and could pull down the posts & wire supports.

Sus----Thank you for your kind words. We finally did feel at peace with having used my husbands clothes for David's funeral.

Isn't it crazy how we can agonize over things ? I guess it takes a good while to reconcile ourselves with things like that. So

nice that Mariah wears some of Steph's tops. So cute when she said that it feels like her mommy is hugging her whenever

she wears them. Sweet little Jasmine......going to her first birthday party at Burger King. I bet she had a lot of fun.

Sharon-----Dee said it all so well. Just hang on, friend, and come here and be with us. We all understand.

Trudi---Such a kind and unusual person you met at the spiritual fair. It must have warmed your heart to hear her kind words

about Mike......your angel.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Thank you all for your beautiful words and Dan - the picture is beautiful - Greg, you can post that song any time you want, I love it and I too love the name Jesse...

It has been a long day, work was hard but I got through it. Barry, Tavian and I went out to dinner as we could not just sit in the house and look at each other, it was nice and Tavian kept us smiling.... I have not cried yet, I cannot explain it and I guess I do not have too.....the tears are there looming on the edge of my eyes but I cannot let them spill over yet......I know the hour will come, when Tavian is asleep and I am sitting here in the chair.....then I will have my time with Jessica...... I love you all and will always be forever grateful that I have found you......Peace my friend, Kathy

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Let the tears fall, as you say, when you have your time with Jessica. When the world is sleeping and you whisper her name....I gotta believe she can hear you......Love to you, Barry Tavian and of course BJ.....

[rlolheiser]

Kathy, thinking of you and your husband, wishing you peace, thinking of Tavian and his mom Jessica... Jessica... hold them all so close.

[rlolheiser]

feeling a little better.. thank you all so much for your beautiful thoughts .... I am so far behind and will never catch up... but my heart is with you all always...

I still have my cough, and everybody else is still feeling poorly. The little ones missed a week of school... this stuff is tough, for once mom is the healthiest.. even took her to the dr. for her check up and all is fair.

I will try to write again soon... thinking of all the new and and old members.. how I wish we didn't need this place, but how thankful I am we have it and each other.

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - I know

Kathy - Special hugs

Leah - I'm glad you're feeling better. I still wish I was rich and could send you a maid so you could go on a vacation.

Colleen - That is a nice picture of Brian.

We have a three day weekend. Hurray. Jasmine had a wonderful time at her birthday party. She's home safe and sound and Grandma's more relaxed.

I think I'm adjusting to the new me. Only I'm finding out this has always been me...the other me was a facade of this person. The person who had all the house work done by 10:30 every morning, dressed nice...hair done, makeup on....never really existed. She covered up the lazy, gluttenous person I've become. Basically I was a slothful fat person just waiting to be set free. It was just too much work being that other person and when Stephanie died I no longer had the energy or motivation to pretend to be her anymore.

I enjoy writing. If I could put it all together to make sense it might have become a book. Instead I am full of senseless ramblings that my grandchildren might be able to get rich off of after I'm gone if they have the motivation and discipline to make sense out of it all.

I can still look good. I can "show up". But, it's on my terms now.

Of course, the person I am today may be completely different from the person I choose to be tomorrow....I'm sure I'll let you know.

Hugs and light everyone!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Amy Lyn]

Hi all, I just joined and wanted to introduce myself. I lost my daughter, Allana, February 1, 2009. She died just a few days before her 13th birthday from complications of leukemia. She was my only child and her dad and I are divorced and don't speak to each other. I am hoping that I find some comfort in this forum and meet new people who are in this same unfortunate situation of losing a child. Allana was the absolute love of my life and I miss her terribly. Looking forward to hearing from you.

[dlj0403]

I just spent the last hour writing a story about Jenna with pictures to post....and I lost everything! This is where I would say that Jenna was messing with me.....so, I have learned a lesson and wil ltry again tomorrow. I have attached some pictures of my beautiful daughter...

[dlj0403]

Hi, I just recently joined as well. I'm so sorry for your loss of Allana. I lost my only child, Jenna, on September 12, 2008 to acute cardiac arythmia.

Hi all, I just joined and wanted to introduce myself. I lost my daughter, Allana, February 1, 2009. She died just a few days before her 13th birthday from complications of leukemia. She was my only child and her dad and I are divorced and don't speak to each other. I am hoping that I find some comfort in this forum and meet new people who are in this same unfortunate situation of losing a child. Allana was the absolute love of my life and I miss her terribly. Looking forward to hearing from you.

[Guest msnher]

Hello Amy, My name is Susannah. I offer you, as I do every time we get a new member, the saddest of welcomes. I am SO sorry for the loss of your daughter, Allana. You have come to the right place. You are so new to this horrible journey, none of would have ever chosen to be on. I look forward to getting to know more about your beautiful daughter and you. When you are ready I hope you will post a picture of her so we can get to know her beautiful face. Also, when you are ready, please tell us all about her. The most important thing for me to do was to "talk" which I do in the form of typing to you all. There are no rules here. Nor is there any judgment. This site saved my sanity (or perhaps just held my hand as what was left of my sanity went on permanent vacation.) You will find love and support from many people here.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Amy Lyn]

Nice to meet you. The pics of your daughter are beautiful. I look forward to getting to know you and others in this forum.

Hi, I just recently joined as well. I'm so sorry for your loss of Allana. I lost my only child, Jenna, on September 12, 2008 to acute cardiac arythmia.

[Guest msnher]

Deanna - Wow, Jenna is gorgeous! Very nice pictures. I assume the pretty blond is you? All of us have lost a post at least once. I hope you will find the wherewithall to write again!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom