Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

SUS NO WORRIES WERE FAMILY AND I HAVE NO SECRETS...LOL

I SURVIVED ONE OF KOURTNEYS FAVORITE HOLIDAYS VALENTINES...WHERE BRENT WAS GOING TO SPOIL HER WITH GIFTS..SADLY HE ONLY GOT TO DO IT ONE TIME..JUST WEEKS B4 THEY MARRIED..

KODY AND I WAS IN SHORTS SITTING BY THE POOL DRINKING ICE TEA...A CHATTN ...SUCH A GREAT KID TO TAKE TIME TO DO THINGS WITH OL MOM.

I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO PAY FOR KOURTNEYS FUNERAL AND PLOTS...HER DAD NEVER OFFERED..I GUESS HE KNEWI HAD LIFE INS AND THAT WAS GOOD ENOUGH...(KINDA TYPICAL OF HIM) BUT A MONTH AFTER SHE DIED HE HAD NO PROBLEMS OF SELLING ME (KODY) A 85 GMC FOR $6500....BUT HELL ITS JUST MONEY AND IM GONNA SPEND WHILE IM HERE AND LET KIMMY AND KODY HAVE WHATS LEFT...

HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A GOOD DAY....OH MONTY GOT ME FLOWERS AND BROUGHT HOME ITALIAN YEST FOR LUNCH HAD CANDLES LITE ETC.... (I WAS ILL LATER BUT IDK WHAT THAT CLD HAVE BEEN LOL).

TODAY IS 39 MONTHS SINCE I LAST HEARD MY BABY GIRLS VOICE.....

[charsng1234]

well I did not make it but an hour at work. I tried so hard but could not do it. Maybe I will do better tomorrow! I am so sorry you had to listen to a stupid person laugh and joke in court! I dont know how you did it.. I am so sorry ppl are so dumb, her son took your baby away and they act like it was a accident!!!! NO when a person points a gun at someone and pulls the trigger its murder.... Please know I am there with you in spirit, I hope I will get my chance in court to see the man who shot my son go to prison.. Hope everyone else is hanging in there. Sharon.. Shanes mom.

[summergirl]

Just stopping to say hello. I am sorry that I am missing out on the "new ones" here, I read and get lost as I have not met some of you yet and that makes me sad....I will introduce me once I get past this week....it is such a hard one but no harder than what every one else is enduring here. Today was a "OH NO, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT !!! " day......seems like everyone has an opinion on how I should be feeling, after all it is almost 5 years since I lost Jessica so I guess I should "move on", be past it, be thankful I have what I have, life goes on, she is in a better place, and on and on......JUST SHUT UP ALREADY - that is what I want to say but I walk away praying that they are never on this journey, I never want to say "how does it feel", I just want them to leave me alone....

Rhonda - congratulations....a grandma, I am so happy for you...big hugs.

Peace, Love and strength, Kathy

I was watching this little guy outside our dining room window.....

[ericasmom]

Crystal, I am also sorry that those people associated with the boy with the gun acutally laughed adn joked in court. It is disrespectful and shows their lack of understanding in the loss of Ashlee. My hope is that some laws will change due to your hard work, but if they don't because the gun lobbyists are a very strong group, know that your Daughter is cheering on your efforts as are we.

Sharon, some days are days that we simply cannot do what we hoped we could. Don't beat yourself up for it, you are back at work pretty early on, so remember to breathe, drink plenty of fluids, take a 10 minute break every hour if you can to walk and allow your brain to wander a bit.

Kathy, those folks that say really dumbass things just do not get it, and like you said, we don't want them to, however, it would be nice if they simply kept their ignorance a big secret. Five years, hard one, benchmark of time. It sucks, but nevertheless, here we are.

Rhonda, hooray on the new pregnancy, i hope your Daughter feels very well. Congrats.

Leah, back to bed with you.

[mikesmum]

Back at the Bay finally. Its thunderbolts and lightening, but you know, that weather here is easy to take.

"Who I was is not who I am"

In the early days of my journey I was always encouraged that somewhere, sometime, somehow, I would find my 'new normal'. No one told me that I would fight this 'new normal' with all my being. I couldn't have a new normal. I was still wanting the old normal, but you know everything had changed. How I saw the world, how I saw people and how I got through each day.

For those new, you are so raw, so overtly reactive ~ normal responses to an abnormal occurance. Unfortunately unless you experience it you will never understand what losing your child means.

Money - Well we were told Amanda 'didn't have the money to bury' Mike. We were told within 5 mins of his death. It was reaffirmed 40mins later when I arrived. What she didn't tell us was she had been receiving government payments for 'caring' for Mike. This included $4000 for the funeral and another $4000 over the next months after Mike died. We have organised for the money we had for Mikes funeral to be held in trust for Harmony.

Bail ~ sounds so strange that this can be negotiated down. There has to be an accountability across the board for this boy having a gun, no sense and not being educated in handling a 'deadly weapon'.

As for shooting a boy on a phone in the back of the head because he was 'scared'. I get being scared at night. I worked in a job where the worst of humanity came to the fore. But there are other ways to alieviate fear.

Sharon - Don't be hard on yourself. I did about 20hrs one month after Mike died. It was over a weekend and at the end I was a basket case....Haven't been back.

Carrie - The poem, yes speaks volumes.

Exhausted tonight. Even with the rain looking forward to walking Sir MD on the beach.....

[charsng1234]

morning all, we got a visit last night from the detective on the case, We now found out my son's blood alcoholic level was .33 what the hell??? we dont have no clue how how wonder into the guys yard. You know how sad we were to hear him talk about shane telling us he heard shane was the kinda of guy that never started anything but was the first to protect his friends. I am wondering were those same friends when he was so drunk the kid that was having the party was trying to push him out of the house. I heard my son was found laying on the ground outside because he was so drunk.. What pissed me off is he trusted his friends so much. WELL the cops came they heard the sirens and he ran his 2 best friends got into a car and left my drunk son to take care of himself!! He never would have left a friend behind!!! He made it 3 houses down were the man claims he never heard the siens in the front of his house so he went to a back window CLOSED DOUBLE PAIN and shot my son in the right temple. A cop was there in 2 minutes. Well they are charging him with man slaughter.. the cops anyway we have not heard form the DA. How funny that the cops dont realise when he pointed the gun at my sons HEAD it now became murder.. I also was trying to keep the family out of the law suit because I thought they kid really cared.. he was the one pushing my drunk son oput of the house were he told the police My son never was in.. This kid had the balls to call me and say my son was just chilling with him in the house.. Now he was never in the house.. WTF its all about money with these rich asses in AZ. Not that I no longer have my son. They can go to hell. So sorry about all my anger I dont know what to do with it. I hope I can work through this anger...

Sharon shanes mom.

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - I don't remember if you've said, are you taking the 18th off from work? How is your son? Have you heard from Tavian's other grandma?

Trudi - Every time I hear about Micheal's Amanda I am furious. How I wish things had been different for him. How I wish he and Lauren would have been able to stay together.

Dee - Are you able to work with your sprained hand?

Sharon - How heartbreaking to hear the details of Shane's death. There are still so many unanswered questions. I don't understand the law, the real difference between manslaughter and murder, but I'm glad they are at least going to charge him. I'm so, so sorry. I am so grateful I didn't have a job I had to go to everyday. I'm impressed that you even tried to go.

Carrie - How did it go at the attorney's yesterday? So much on your plate! I loved the poem you wrote. Beautiful and heartbreaking.

I have to get the kids ready for school, I'll check back later.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sharon, so sad about Shane's death details. When friends are drunk, they often don't think of anything but taking care of oneself. The impaired thinking that causes those drunk to not be able to think clearly is what gets so many in bad spots. Shane was left to his own probably due to the impaired thinking of everyone at the party. I am so sorry.

Trudi, glad that you are near the water again, I know that you are most at home there. How is Em doing in high school?

Sus, I am at work and doing fine, I should wrap the darn hand to remind me that it doesn't do what it did a few days ago, like lift or squeeze things, so once in a while I saw OW! pretty loudly, but other than that, the healing continues.

It is a gray day but a warmer one, in the 40's and heading upward maybe to 50.

[Guest msnher]

I had a funny dream last night. Anyway, I woke up laughing about it this morning. I dreamt I had to clean the toilets. The toilets were exposed in a park, each sitting by a tree. All sorts of people gatheres around while I cleaned these toilets. They just watched. I looked at the first one and said "Hell no!" I stood up and yelled, "MY DAUGHTER DIED AND I'M NOT CLEANING TOILETS!" They just looked puzzled, like what does her daughter dying have to do with clean toilets? I threw the rag and went to home Depot which turned into Wal Mart and bought several new toilets and threw the old ones away. At the store the clerk wanted to know why I needed so many toilets and I said because my daughter died. "I need a dozen toilets because my daughter died." I said matter of factly. I left the store with my toilets while the clerks stood there scratching their heads. When I got the toilets back to the park I refused to allow anyone to use them because they were shiny new and "you can go in a hole if you have to, but you are not dirtying my toilets"...and, all along it was because "my daughter died".

There could be a dozen or more morals to my dream, but it just strikes me as funny. I have company coming this morning, I guess I'll clean the toilets...and, maybe wash the dishes. Either that or take a shower. I can't do both. Clean the house? Clean myself? Both a dirty job and someone's got to do it, but it won't be me. LOL

Dee - just don't hurt yourself worse by lifting something you can't hold onto. Ouch!

[Crystal16]

I received the call last night at 11:00pm Dylan family posted bail, he’s home with his family.

I’m plagued with multiple emotions, anger, sadness and mercy. My oldest daughter, Brytney is struggling she wants to do a drive by and do physical damage and I remind her that’s not what Ashlee would want and I can’t afford to lose another daughter. The ex is also talking stupid he wants to stop Dylan’s existence what would we gain from that I said… It still doesn’t bring Ashlee back and the other two kids would not only lose a sister but a father as well.

Sharon- I understand your anger my dear, I’m holding you tight! I pray the man who pulled the trigger serves time for his chose.

Susannah- That's actually funny I too had a dream of a toilet. Maybe it means we need to flush the crap out of our life!

[ericasmom]

Quoted from Liam Neeson, (actor) about his wife's sudden death after her ski accident in '09'

"I think I survived by running away some. Running away to work. Listen, I know how old I am and that I'm just a shoulder injury from losing roles like the one in 'Taken.' So I stay with the training, I stay with the work," he continued. "It's easy enough to plan jobs, to plan a lot of work. That's effective. But that's the weird thing about grief. You can't prepare for it. You think you're gonna cry and get it over with. You make those plans, but they never work."

However, as the actor explained, it only postponed - not prevented -- the pain from setting in from losing the woman he married in 1994 and had two children with.

"It hits you in the middle of the night -- well, it hits me in the middle of the night. I'm out walking. I'm feeling quite content. And it's like suddenly, boom," he said.

I so wish others could know that you can't prepare for it, you have no idea how you will be when or if tragedy hits your own home.

Crystal, how hard this must be for you all. And that you used the word mercy allows me to see your heart. Your heart includes this boy's family and considers how Ash felt about Dillan. I hold you while you struggle with so many emotions. I hope that Bryt and her Dad can settle down long enough to think first, think and listen to your words here.

dee

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - He made bail? I know they only have to come up with a percentage of the posted $75,000.00 but that's still a lot of money. I love what you said about feeling anger, sadness and mercy. I get it.

[Guest msnher]

Hmmmmm. I think an epiphany is in the making. I said, "they say hind sight is 20-20. I don't buy it. Hind sight is usually clouded by guilt, regret and/or blame, preventing us from seeing clearly." I'm so wise I can't hardly stand myself!

Crystal - Most of the time, any compassion I have is either an accident or comes after a huge mental/emotional battle with myself. I tip my hat to you. This is one of those times when "doing nothing" may be the hardest thing your family has to do.

[sadmomm]

[/size]DeeThanks for the encouragement about the poem It was what came to mind thta day when I got in front of the computer. I do need to keep a journal. For the last year I have been talking to Morgan in my mind. constantly. Never to hear his sweet words again though. I am glad the poem touched so many of you. When He first died I found quite a few poems that were helpful.Wish I could put my hands on them to post here But am kind of in a mess. One was about two boxes One was about the dash. which is between birth and death. another was about they existed. The lawyers went ok. Said we should agree before we go before the judge. My husband and I are talking. But I know I truly will never be happy again. I know that is absolutely negative. I made bad choices when we moved and had I stayed and watched after my son. Made myself available perhaps this tragedy wouldn't have happened. I will try to move forward one way or the other.. I do have a very creative side. A side that has been hidden since 1991 in college. I am a fairly good artist. But need tons ofpractise. I got my accounting degree back then in1991 when I divorced my first husband Morgan was only 5 I feel so guilty for that now. But never really used it. I really didn't like doing bookwork. Originally I wanted to be a vet but I was not good with blood either. But I don't have the computer skills to suceed in that accounting career now. Nor the current knowledge. Doesn't mean I couldn't work hard and get better. I hve thought about going back to school. Though the older you get the harder it is I imagine. We are talking about moving back to MD in a few years after cass is in college. I would like to be around for Lee and cass's children Lord help something doesn't happen to them. Our biggest fears now.

SusannahI think you are right that hindsight is different with the guilt and such attached. It is clearer but probably turn out differently anyway. I see this board is going to be helpful. But wow there are so many of us here. It is very sad and I feel for each and every one of us.I am feeling a bit of a headach today started dringing beer very early yesterday. Gave me a big ol headacke and it doesn't help a thing. It kind of dulls my mind. I hope your babes are being easy on you. I had a hard time raising mine. Wasn't the best momma but certainly wasn't the worst. Just let them go to early. Their Dad was very lenient... Kids need a lot of help...Just like we all do. do you have horses?

Hope everyone finds some peace Carrie

[briansdad]

Reading some of the things about funeral costs brings back some bad memories. I was sitting down in Brian's room and my sis came in and sat down beside be. I just started sobbing and said I don't even have the money to bury my son. Life doesn't get any lower than that. My family came through for me though.After I sold my business I paid them all back. But I think back to all the tears God how did I make it this far? Thinking back I think I made it by realizing I needed to let God back into my life. Very early on I didn't want anything to do with him.I know I survived with his help. Then my family and a select group of good friends.

I miss him everyday still and sometimes still can't believe he's gone. But I try to live the best life I can so I'll see him again one day.

Greg

[shorty16]

Carrie - I also felt like my life was going to be like this forever - right after Brian was killed. I was in so much pain and could never even begin to imagine that this pain would go away. Then, very slowly, I did start to feel better - but of course I messed that up by feeling guilty that I felt better. How wierd is that???

I am 2.5 years into this grief journey and I am living proof that the physical/emotional/spiritual pain you feel will not last forever. It does not go away, but it changes.

Hang in there girl.

Greg - Funeral costs were alot for some people. We decided to creamate our Brian and we do not have a headstone. Believe it or not, Brian and I talked about funerals and he told me he wanted to be cremated and not laid out for all the world to see. I realize, by not having a headstone, we take away a place where his friends can go to remember him. But Brian did not want to be buried. I also cannot believe sometimes that my Brian is dead. And from car-surfing of all things.

Take care my friends

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Carrie-----You wrote just a beautiful poem........a poem that each one of us here at BI can take to heart.

Amy----Cute baby....little Sofia !

Leah-----Take care of yourself, friend. I know that this nasty flu bug can hang around a long time.

Sus-----I like what you wrote about sitting with your husband and laughing & crying with all your memories of

Stephanie.....and celebrating the dear daughter that she was. Also, your dream of the toilets was funny. I know

dreams don't always make sense, and any meaning that one could attach to them is very hard to grasp.

Sharon-----I'm so sorry about the details of your son, Shane's, death. The anger is entirely understandable.....that

man killed your son. I also feel anger (although not as much as I used to ) , towards the guy that killed my son......

(it wasn't deliberate, of course ). He was sleeping while driving a huge semi truck, crashing into several cars. I

do hope that this man who killed your son gets prison time. I know that it will not bring your son back, but at least

he will be locked up and have time to think about his actions that brought death to a young man, and devastating

sorrow to you.

Rhonda----Congrats on the expected new baby in Aug. You described Big Mama and all the hardships she had with such

a large family. It sounds like my relatives, except that the large family was my mom's......not my dad's. My dad was an only

child, but he also joined the Navy before WWII. He's been gone 17 yrs. My mom was next to oldest of 9 children.....all born

before or during the Great Depression. They had it very hard, but lived on a farm, so that helped. Big Mama must be smiling

down from her well-earned place in heaven, on all her family......grandchildren, and great-grandchildren etc.

Thanks for telling about her & the family

Kathy----Love the pics of the squirrel. Not easy to photograph wildlife......they move so quickly, but you took great pics.

Crystal----I'm so sorry that people were so rude, and joking in the court. I agree with Dee......It was totally rude and thoughtless

not to consider you and your family, and sweet Ashlee's memory. Your anger at the boy being out on bail is so understandable.

Anyone would be angry. Sending thoughts & prayers that you may somehow find some peace & comfort.

Dee---You are so right......we can never prepare ourselves for the death of a child, or close relative/friend. I hope that your

hand is healing. We're getting the tiniest glimpse of the 'end of winter----" and hopes of spring around here.

Greg----Yep-----we will see our kids someday......I agree with you......live life the best that you can.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Crystal16]

I also cremated Ashlee I have her ashes in a beautiful urn at home. The only good thing that came out of the tragedy was the state paid for the funeral cost from a victim’s advocacy program they had in our county. There was no way I was going to bury her remains in the state of Florida she was born and raised most of her childhood in Maine. I want her with me all the time I can't let go and seeing her urn brings me some kinda of peace.

[lolynbo]

KOURTNEYS FUNERAL WAS $8,000 (AND THATS A SIMPLE LOW BUDGET FUNERAL NO FAM CAR)...HER HEAD STONE WAS $7500 AND BENCH WAS $3,000...I HAD JUST GOT THE LIFE INS ON HER A YR B4...(THEY CALLED ME ) THE INSURANCE PLACE SAID I CLD HAVE $50,000 ON KIMMY AND ONE OF KOURTNEY FOR $11 A MONTH ($19.95 A MO TOGETHER) SO I TOOK IT...NEVER IMAGINED I WLD NEED IT...(IT TOOK ALMOST 5 MONTHS TO GET IT BECAUSE IT WAS UNDER 2 YRS FOR THE POLICY)...BUT AFTER PAYING FOR FUNERAL, AND HEADSTONE, GETTING RIDE OF HER CAR (TRADED IT IN) SHE WAS UPSIDE DOWN ON IT VERY BADLY..THE MONEY WENT FAST...

GREG THAT BROKE MY HEART "DIDNT HAVE THE MONEY FOR HIS SONS FUNERAL"....IM SO SORRY...IM GLAD FAMILY CAME THRU FOR YOU...

THE FUNERAL HOME WE USED HE IS SO NICE...I TRIED TO PAY HIM SOME CASH DOWN AND HE WOULDNT TAKE IT ...HE SAID "I NO WHERE YOU ARE LORRI"...HE TRUELY MADE IT ALMOST BARABLE..

HUGGS TO ALL

[hoosiermom]

Brianna's funeral was over $10,000 and I had no life insurance, because of her birth defects/disabilities I was unable to purchase any for her. The funeral home was good to us and gave us 30 days to collect as much as we could (people were wonderful with donations) My ex told me that "we" should have been better prepared for this (well excuse me, guess I was just too busy working full time, raising three girls, paying a mortgage and keeping food on the table, just wasn't much left over to put back for my daughter's funeral) He told me this as he led the funeral procession on his Harley--which could have been sold and covered everything. Jerk. I had recently bought a car to drive to work so that I could use the van for Brianna's transportation only, I sold the van to pay for her headstone. I couldn't bear the thought of having her cremated, but then I also hate the thought of her being "right under my feet" so to speak when I visit her grave. I did have her buried next to her paternal grandfather and uncle, two people who knew and loved her very much when they were alive, so it makes me feel better to have her near family.

[westleysmom]

Greg-I never knew funerals were so expensive until we had to pay for Westley's. We had life insurance, too (thinking if we had it, we'd never need it), but they took a long time to pay too because I'd had it less than 2 years. They tried everything to get out of paying, but finally couldn't think of a reason why not. We just never dreamed we'd have to buy them that, anything but that. Cars, medical care, education, anything but their funeral. And plot and gravestone.

Sorry for all the legal things going on with people, those kinds of things are so draining, and we're all drained already.

Sherry-I know we have had it so much easier than our parents and grandparents, but sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

Just been feeling quiet these past few days and not much to say. Hope you all are having as good a day as you can.

[daniellemom]

To all the new Moms on this board. The people that we have posting here are wonderful and helpful in everything they say and do. This site saved my life. I don't post as much now as I did in the beginning. But I read almost every day and wanted to let you know that things will get softer as time goes by. I miss my Danielle each day so I'm not saying it gets better, it gets softer the new normal starts creeping in and then you start putting the pieces of your life back together in a new way that will always have a place for your wonderful child.

Dee - Glad you are healing quickly.

As far as funeral cost. Danielle was 21 and was not covered under my insurance at work any more and was only going to school part time. So we didn't have a life insurance policy on her. Our family and friends and church was handing us money and we didn't have to put a penny out of pocket for the funeral. Danielle is buried at a small church down the road from our house and the church would not take any money for the plot. We offered and wanted to pay they wouldn't hear of it. So Timmy mows the yard and keeps the grave yard looking beautiful. There are only 3 people buried there now so we also puts the solar lights on each grave. And make sure the tombrocks are clean. That's what we do on Saturdays.

Greg - I know what you mean about seeing Brian again someday. He is going to turn around and see you and say. What are you doing hear so quick. To them it will be like a second to us it's been so long since we saw them and talked to them. I'm looking forward to that day.

Thinking and praying for each of you.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[daveydow1]

Sonya----So good to see that beaming smile of Danielle's. It was so good and kind for your friends & family to donate to

cover the cost of Danielle's funeral since you didn't have any insurance on her. Also...so nice of you, Timmy, and your

family to keep the cemetery area looking nice. The cemetery where Davey, Lisa, and my dad are buried used to keep

the areas looking so nice. Not so much anymore. . Don't know what's going on. Maybe they are operated by the city, and

as in most places anymore......the cities are broke.

Rhonda-----Yes, I agree. We probably do have it much easier than our parents or grandparents, but somehow it seems

harder because of our loss. My grandmother had 9 children, and preceeded all of them in death.....as did my grandfather,

so they didn't have that terrible loss to deal with. My family has 5 kids, and my mom & dad didn't lose any children either.

My aunt was only 1 yr. old in 1919 when the influenza epidemic struck, but she did survive it, along with my grandmother.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Rhonda-Yes, Sofia is a little sister. She has a 19 month old brother, Colten. Altogether I have 5 (step) grandchildren, ranging in age from Sofia to Audrey who is 7 1/2. I was a grandmother at 35. Ashley said she was never going to have kids, although she was very good with little children. Our young neighbors loved her, and one of the last memories I have is Ashley coming over to our house to wash her car, and the little ones next door helping her. They used Ashley's camera to take pictures of her washing her car. Those are the last pictures I have of her. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother again! Although bittersweet, it is fun to have little ones around. They see things with such a different perspective.

Susannah-I don't know why, but I have dreams of dirty toilets all the time. (maybe it's time to clean the bathroom) I think there is some meaning to that like I feel like my life is in the toilet. Just the other day I had a dream that Katie was waiting for the school bus, and I wanted to say goodbye to her, but at the last minute I decided to do something else, and missed her getting on the bus. I was running down the street trying to catch the bus so I could say goodbye, but I could never catch up. I'm sure that has some kind of meaning to it also. Maybe anxiety over losing Ashley, then losing Katie to college this fall.

Crystal-I can't believe they let Dylan out on bail, also that his mother was joking and laughing at his trial. She is the one who bought him the gun that took your daughter's life. She should have some respect for the grief you are feeling. It's unfair that she (& Dylan) were the ones that were irresponsible & stupid and yet he gets to go home, when you just wish you could have Ashlee at home again. Sending hugs & prayers your way. You should be proud of standing up for Ashlee.

I'm not sure who said it, about the "new" normal, but I don't want a new normal. I just want to go back to August of 2009 before any of this started. My husband said he hates seeing me like this, but I told him he'd better get used to it, that my life is pretty much ruined now. I get up & go through the motions every day, and even occasionally laugh, but everything is underlaid with the thoughts of missing Ashley. It's only been a year, so from reading what some of you have said, I'm hoping one day it gets more bearable.

Sorry I did not address everyone, but I am thinking of all of you & appreciate what you write every day.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmum]

Sharon - Anger is a BIG part of this journey for some of us. We have a perception that those close to our kids will care about them at the same level we do. It never ceased to amaze me how 'BFF's can cut and run. They would call for an ambulance for someone unconscious on drugs, or worse, then leave them before the guys arrived. Didn't want to get into trouble. It will take time, and there will be things you might learn about Shane that you would never have believed, but what actually happened that night will become clear.

Crystal - I'm sorry your family has been hit with another emotional blow. Again, anger is at the forefront. How can they let someone out while your daughter is no longer with you. Best I can offer is try and ensure your kids don't make a bad situation worse (if thats possible). Any retribution rained upon Dylan or his family can only bring more pain for you and yours. Hard as it is let the system begin its work.

When Mike died there were so many versions of what happened that morning and the night before. They changed dramatically over that first month. They were home, having had a 'nice night' and Mike went to sleep in another room because it was hot. She thought he didn't look right when she got up around 8am. Harmony was in her cot in Mike's room, so she picked her up and went up to her folks house for breakfast. She came back 40mins later and tried to 'wake' him. Back to mum and dad, chatted about him not being quite right then they all came down.....bottom line, she took 1 1/2hrs from the time she found him till she called an ambulance. The night before when 'all was fine', he had made calls to Lauren, his bio dad & Amanda's eldest sister. The last was made around 2am. I will never know exactly what traspired that night and as you can tell, despite being 'okay' for a time, this can take my mind and bring me down so easily. My theory...after Mike came back she made it clear things were never going to change. If he didn't like it he could leave but never see Harmony again. I believe she went out after that. I don't believe she was there over night, I believe she was out till early morning when she came back and found Mike. Harmony was awake by then so she went to her mothers as if nothing was wrong. I did bring this up with the police at the time and was told 'not caring about someone isn't a crime'. Unless she actually feed him the pills the worst was she was not a nice person....

Greg - I've yet to meet someone who 'puts' away money for their childs funeral. College fund I get, but I guess we work with the theory our kids have a future. At least I did, do. Not being able to finance a funeral for your kids doesn't reflect on your love for your child....How is your georgeous granddaughter. Hope you and her mum are on the same page...

Dee - Glad to hear you're back with your 'kids'. Careful with the hand, glad there are no bones broken, but sometimes the bruising can be just as painful. Miss Em's last email to me was the high school was AWESOME. Homework is a nightly thing but she is very much independant when it comes to getting to and from school. She catches a train and walks 1.2kms in the morning and then walks down to Calebs school to wait for mum. Caleb was shattered her first day, she was no longer at school with him. But he has adjusted. Its cool having a sibling in high school....

Sonya - Your story of Danielles funeral and resting place so touching. The simplicity of having her laid to rest in the grounds of a local church, Tim being the caretaker...its how it should be. Peaceful.

Well, the ocean is calm today. The rain is off and on. Of course it was on big time when I walked MD. Its kinda of tropical weather so being soaked to the skin was pleasant...eased the menopausal rage.

Take are all

[Guest msnher]

Hey. Not much happening. The kids are at Choir practice with the boys and girl's club right now. Gary's out of town, so I'm just "chillin'". Carrie, my husband owns two mustangs. Fords. hehehe...no horses.

Although we paid half the expenses at my sister's funeral, my older sister had made all the arrangements, so I didn't have a clue as to what cost what. We didn't need to spend as much money as we did at Stephanie's funeral, but we were ignorant. The funeral "director" who took care of us was usually the embalmer. He really didn't know what he was doing. He just kept saying "I'm sorry for your loss". By the time everything was said and done and we had made the final payment to them (which we put on our charge card) I told the main director they need to say "I'm sorry for your loss" ONCE and then explain as clearly and as simply as possible EXACTLY what we have to do. So many kept saying we have time. There's no hurry. Okay, not so many....just the funeral director and the cororner. But, we didn't have time. We had one week. THEY had time. We didn't. We had school, court...people had to take off work to travel to us. I definitely wanted my sister here and my youngest daughter needed to be here and all of us had school starting in one week. As it turned out, I ended up sitting at the director/embalmer's computer typing in all the commands and information because he didn't know how to type and I had run out of patience. I told him I could do it a lot faster if he would just give me his seat.

There was about 450 people at Stephanie's funeral. We sat in the front roll. The paster who officiated the service cut his vacation short and flew home to do the service. We were so grateful. In his words he said how much Stephanie loved her children and then added, "She was always there for her kids".

WTF!? There were six representatives from Family Services at the service. Our attorney was there. The DA was there. The kids court appointed attorney was there.

A few seconds before that I was dying. Then I was on high alert. Could I do it? I didn't feel strong enough. What if I faint? What if my knees give out. I had no choice. Before the pastor announced the last song I asked if I could say a few words. I know I said hello to everyone...I had to really focus so I didn't say..."Hi, my name's Susannah and I'm an alcoholic..." just habit.... I thanked everyone for being there and thanked the pastor for his beautiful words..."but, I have to make one correction. Stephanie was NOT always there for her kids. She always wanted to be. But, some of the consequences of her choices prevented her from being present in their lives. And, lately the consequences and choices of others prevented her from being in their lives. She didn't even know where they were for over a year. None of us did. But, she got to be reunited with her children for the last six weeks and for that we are very grateful." And, then I sat down.

We had prearranged for some of the family service ladies to escort the children out of the church and take them home during the closing prayer. I didn't want them subjected to Stephanie's drug friends and any of the people who had anything to do with their abuse. The reception we had was closed to a few selected friends for the same reason. We were always protecting the children.

That night we found out about Stephanie's boyfriend(S). That night we found out the partial truth about how she died. Today I am tempted to insist on seeing the pictures of the accident site and the whole coroner's report. Today I am tempted to ask why the deputy didn't charge the boyfriend about the four wheelers. And, then I remember the peace I found when I visited those emotions before and I am able to put them away for a little while longer. I also wonder if my desire to see the photos is a way for me to keep Stephanie alive longer. Make others think about her. Make her the center of attention again.

Well...that was more than I intended.

[shorty16]

Love to my fellow indigos

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[summergirl]

Greg - your sharing of your Brians funeral costs brought back memories of when my little brother passed away....9 years ago on this Feb 28......my parents did not have the money to pay for a funeral so my big brother (the rich one) paid for everything.....Barry and I paid for the burial plot, the one my dad picked out. I am forever grateful that my big brother could just sit and write a check for that amount of money. When Jessica left us I never even thought about how we were going to pay for anything - guess my mind didn't want to go there, not sure.....we ended up not paying for anything. Barry is a voluteer fireman and the department paid for the entire funeral. An older woman who was friends with my dad sent us a check and asked us to use it for Jessica's headstone which we did....I believe to this day that God had a hand in all of the support we got because all the money we received paid for the custody battle for Tavian....over 42 thousand dollars and not a penny did we have to pay. God works in mysterious ways my friend...

Suz - no, I am working on the 18th....I have to take next Tuesday and Wednesday off to be with Tavian as he has no school (winter vacation) and I want to spend time with him. I have 2 great people in my office that know and try to understand how I feel, they have been great so they will help me through that day. My son is doing well....still clean, almost one year...we talk each week and I am so proud of how far he has come.....but always the chance he could fall back but I do not dwell on that, only the day to day. Yes, Tavian actually spent last Saturday with his other grandmother and the 2 girls....they took him to a store a few miles away so he could pick out a birthday present then he spent the day with them and then home....I was a nervous wreck but he wanted to go.....anyway when he got home he was so happy.....he said he had fun with the girls but "all Grandma Bein does is yell and I don't like it" - I replied "mi-mi told you that you never have to go with her but you wanted to go for the day so I let you" - he said "well, next time don't listen to me" - it took everything I had not to burst out laughing in front of him because he was so serious but I held it in.....I am not letting him go again even if he says he wants to....I do not trust her and never will. Thank goodness he only spent the day. I was mad at myself for letting him go.......

Speaking of God working in mysterious ways......I have been looking for a good therapist for Tavian and the other day a person gave me the number for a woman here in town, I called her but she only works with older children but she said "there is a woman in town who is very good with children, her name is Rebecca DiSunno" - I was shocked because Rebecca is the woman that Tavian went to see about a month after Jessica left us and he loved her, she was wonderful with him but she moved to the Carolina's and that was that.....well she has moved back to town !! I called her and she remembered Tavian and will be seeing him again....I am so happy as she is just what he needs. Barry and I are going to meet with her next week and give her the history since she last saw him and then he will begin. I know it probably sounds silly but I my heart is so happy and my mind at rest that I can now get him to someone who I know he will be happy with and who I trust.......

Yes Dee - the 5 year is heart wrenching but we must go on and I shall....I will breathe and remember and I will say her name out loud and I will be there for Tavian.. I will have my moment and I know Jessica will understand and I know that she will let me know that she is here, always here.......

Love, Peace and Strength to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Loving all the different stories of how you managed the funeral costs and how decisions were made...well everyone's story is a piece of their process, the saddest process in the universe, but one that is unique to each, just as our Kiddo is, unique and one of a king. I am honored to be in such fine company.

[ericasmom]

Here is a short story I wrote about our issues with the cemetery folks...short story was moved to newer post...

[Guest msnher]

I just thought of one thing to share...then I'm going to read Dee's article right away...

The whole family met with the pastor...we were all there. Gary and me...Steph's dad and his wife...my son and two other daughters. The pastor asked each of us to think of one word to describe Stephanie. We all said "Joy" in unison. Pretty cool.

[ericasmom]

I copied here instead, easier to read with larger font anyhow.

Cemetery shopping

Diane Conmy

It was a stuffy day outside, humid and still. I was clammy to the touch, unable to figure out if I was too warm or too chilled. I was in the throws of shock and reacting as though riding waves. I was unsteady on my feet, my head felt heavy, hard to hold up. I could not tell what the hollow sounds from my stomach were. Was it hunger or was it illness? Was it sleepiness I was feeling or did I just need to shut everything out by going to sleep? Nothing made sense; the time of day, the date, processing conversation was laborious.

I was delivered into a New World; I could not find my footing and did not want to really. Nobody would willingly want to find their footing in a place that no longer held their child.

I felt boxed in sitting in the small office. Michael and I sat in high-back chairs that overlooked very green lawns. We stared at each other, and sighed, tears were on Michael’s cheeks, a tributary that over the years would be a river of tears. “How could we be here Michael?” I begged.

It felt like a very bad nightmare. The kind that locks you in and you cannot wake up. I had experienced those before, where I was trapped into the dream for what seemed hours, when finally awakened by the extreme pain or fear that the dream caused. I was always so grateful to have escaped into the real day, as though another minute there may have forever entrapped me.

In this case however, I was in it for real, there would be no waking from this place. This was our reality. We were entrapped by the sudden and awful death of our daughter. Much like an earthquake, the ground shifted never to be as it had been.

Erica was gone and on this humid clammy day, we had to make the plans for her funeral. We sat in the office of a woman who would be driving us around the grounds of the cemetery to locate a final resting spot for our girl. SOMEONE, PLEASE WAKE ME UP!

Earlier in the day, Michael and I went to the funeral home to make those arrangements for her service. There we sat with a very nice man who managed to direct us through the choices necessary, date and times of showing, clothing for our girl to wear, the church chosen for the funeral and choice of casket.

That was hard. Pick a box to place your daughter in to bury. We followed the nice man to a ‘casket showroom’ which I found an appalling and distasteful choice of words. I pictured caskets on slowly spinning displays, with dramatic lighting and organ music, (God I hate organ music), but as we took apprehensive steps inside this room, we found it an understated space. There were many kinds of caskets, wood; varnished to a high sheen, low sheen, engraved or plain. Then came the steel caskets silver, blue, and pink. There it was…the pink one we both agreed.

We signed papers and shook hands and blew our noses and thanked the man whose own eyes seemed to tear with ours. He gave us a card with a name on it directing us to a contact at the cemetery we chose. “She will be expecting you this afternoon.”

We sat waiting for the woman, exhausted by the events that led us here, worn out by our choices at the funeral home. We had aged dramatically by our actions. Did we really have to do this today too? Perhaps we could wait until tomorrow I bargained with myself. The practical part of me, which the shock must have allowed to come forward, thought better of it. Best to do it all in one day, get this part over with before people start coming over with covered dishes and well-meant words.

The woman entered her office to greet us. Her manner was off-putting, phony and contrived. She gave us some guidelines about the cemetery and told us we were lucky that Erica had a Grandfather there ahead of her or she may not have gotten in, since she was not a Catholic. Right there I wanted to pull the lady backward by her hair and say, “LUCKY? Oh yes, she is lucky isn’t she? She is 19 years old, Bitch, and DEAD! How lucky can she get?”

But all I said was “lucky is not a word that we would use She quickly apologized as she touched up her lipstick.

Michael and I exchanged looks; both of us feeling slammed by her comment. We followed her to her vehicle and I tried very hard to quell my dislike for the woman. As she began our ‘tour,’ she pointed to different areas that were available to our daughter. She pulled over and instructed us to get out and look around. As she walked between crowded gravestones, she remarked that while this spot was popular, there was still room for our girl. It looked like the ‘trailer-park’ section of the cemetery, and was very close to a busy road.

“This is the $750.00 section,” she mentioned as though selling us a stove or refrigerator.

Neither Michael nor I said much but instead returned to her car. She continued the search and as was about to pull over in a different section of the cemetery, but I told her not to bother stopping here. When she looked disappointed, I said that there would be no way that I would feel any sense of peace in a ‘Mini-Vegas’ setting. It was filled with statuary and spires some with gold flecked paint. It looked like one family was trying to out-do the others. There were tall marble spires and gaudy fake flower arrangements and gigantic Saints stood guard. It was garish. I told her so, and added that it looked like a miniature golf course. She bristled with my attitude.

Finally, we drove to a section with very few stones that overlooked the pond and we asked to see that area. She told us she was going to bring us to this spot last because she figured it was the best spot for us. Once again, Michael and I began to walk away from her. “ This is the $1100.00 location, where as the last spot was the $950.00 plots. Now there are…”

“We are not buying a luxury item for our home,” I stated rather sharply and in a voice I did not entirely recognize as my own. “And we are not shopping for a spot to bury an old person who lived a long life, we are burying our daughter, our nineteen year old daughter who was just doing what she was supposed to be doing when a train hit her car. I understand that you have to sell for your paycheck, but Lady, try to pretend to have some empathy.”

She gathered herself and tried to correct her image. I felt sorry for her at that moment, wondering if she had to harden herself to the day-in-day-out sadness that she dealt with. I wondered if at one time she behaved in a caring fashion.

At that point, we discussed which actual plot, which rectangle of land would contain my daughter for the rest of time. Michael and I agreed to one facing the water under the shade of three Oak Trees. Michael steadied his voice and said he would like to have an upright stone.

“Oh you can have an upright stone if you buy six plots today, otherwise it has to be a flat stone.”

I was incredulous. “Excuse me, do you mean to tell me that the only way we could mark our daughter’s grave in the fashion that we would prefer, we would have to plan and pay for the burials of 5 other family members?” The woman noted the hysterical tone in my voice and she simply nodded yes.

At that moment I was sure that we were in some sort of hell and that this woman was an evil force.

All I wanted to do at that point was leave and find whatever solace there was in completing these impossible tasks. I wasn’t sure of anything except my aching spirit, and my shattered heart.

On the day of her funeral, there was a mile and a half of cars snaking there way to Aisle 19. A huge group of grieving people gathered on the little hill under the three mighty oak trees and sang Bob Marley songs. A big gust of wind whistled through the trees with our song’s end, and we all said in unison, “Erica!”

And almost six years later, I am still trying to process all that has changed in our lives since Erica left. I visit the spot we chose for our girl. I sit under the shade of the Oaks in the spring and summer, I sweep the crumpled brown leaves off her flat pink stone in the autumn and I brush off the snow in the winter. Sometimes we place a small Christmas Tree at the head of her stone. In April I leave her birthday flowers or trinkets and see that others do as well. In July, the anniversary of her leaving, I do the same. It is a quietly beautiful spot though she has many more neighbors now.

Michael never returned to the place where we buried our daughter.

[lolynbo]

WELL TOM WILL SUCK ...KOURTNEY WOULD HAVE BEEN MARRIED 4 YRS...I NO I WHINE AND CRY CUZ SHE DIDNT EVEN GET TO CELEBRATE ONE YR...AND IT PISSES ME OFF...THEN SOME OF YALS DIDNT EVEN GET TO GET MARRIED...SO IM SORRY FOR WHINING...BUT I HAD SO MANY DREAMS FOR HER TOO...AND I FEEL I CANT TELL ANYONE HOW SAD I AM CUZ THEN CARLEY WILL GET MAD ON FB... AND KOURTNEYS VOICE SO YAL CAN HEAR MY ANGEL...

HUGS TO ALL

KOURTNEYS VOICE.wav

[Guest msnher]

Oh Dee, I have no words. Sending you huge bear hugs as tears fill my eyes.

[Guest msnher]

Such a beautiful voice, Lorri. Don't feel badly for feeling bad that some children didn't live long enough to ever graduate or get married....The fact is Kourtney died too young. Much too young. When you look at all of our children here, they all died too young. Some lived a little longer than others, but none of them outlived their parents...and, that will always be too young. And, bless your heart for thinking of Carley's feelings. She doesn't always make things easy for you but you continue to try to make it as easy as possible for her. You are a good person.

[kmb22]

Not up for writing tonight but I'm reading and want to send prayers and hugs to everyone. I found this song I wanted to share...

[mikesmum]

Dee - I remember your story...they really beg belief don't they. A corporate business that really needs a reality check. I can understand Michael not wanting re visit the cemetry.

Lorri - I had prior warnings that you didn't sport a 'southern' accent. Neither did your beautiful Kourtney....Leave me a message and I'll get back to you......Mamma misses your sweet face, loves your from here to eternity and back and wold give the world to see you again....

Mikes message was 'you know the drill'....Its funny how that simple thing has such importance. His phone was given away after he died. He died on the Thursday, Amanda asked us to 'organise' his service cause we would know what to do. As I walked into the local funeral home I was taken by the quiet. It wasn't normal. The lady we were talking to knew Mal and I. She had worked at the local doctors and was now a Funeral Planner. We quickly went through the 'requirements' then she lead me down a hall way to a room of coffins...I stuggled to chose a shirt for Mike let alone a casket. We were to catch up with Amanda and the funeral director on Saturday. She rang to tell us she was on her way, so I rang Melissa and Steven so they could be there. When Amanda arrived, she had a guy with her that was a 'freelance' funeral director. She told 'our guy' that she wanted to alter the plans. She told us she was next of kin and what she said basically was the bottom line. My tongue ached from biting it. Sunday was the day of reckoning. We met with the celebrant. She was supposed to marry Mike and Amanda in 07. She didn't know much about Mike though she did say she interviewed him for the wedding. She told me, yep me, that Mike had been sick for a long time and it was sad he died in hospital away from his family.....WTF. The information she had was from Amanda...very very different from the life that had just passed.

We were allowed to 'design' a bookmark for Mike's service. Everything else was decided by Amanda. I was allowed to speak about Mike as long as I didn't mention anything about Amanda's life with him. The celebrant would do that...

I shite, I promised I wouldn't let this thing get me....but here I am rant rave...breathe breathe.

The weather improved here this afternoon, so after a long walk in the sunshine MD had a bath....smells great..

Thoughts and prayer to all Indigos....

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: thanks you for sharing Kourtney's sweet voice with us...holding you close in my heart, sending hugs.

Sus: I love that all of you thought of "Joy" at the same time, when asked to say one work about Stephanie. "Joy." Perfect.

Dee: Thank you for sharing your writing of the pain you and Michael experienced while "shopping" for the one thing that would never have entered your mind that you would ever in your lifetime have to buy. I am so sorry that you had to deal with such uncaring people, and pray that they have since grown some feelings and learned how to express them.

Karen: Thank you for sharing the song...it was truly beautiful. I watched the season that he competed on Idol, but I didn't know (or don't recall) about his losing his wife just one month before he auditioned....

Trudi: I shite, I promised I wouldn't let this thing get me....but here I am rant rave...breathe breathe. I don't think this need to speak of such things ever goes completely out of our mind or our heart...these words represent the most difficult time of our lives, and all of the pain and piercing heart ache felt during those hours will be with us forever...we can come to a place in our lives where this pain of our loss may become softer, where our memories become more often sweet than bitter, but we will never come to a place in our lives where these words from these memories spoken of, that added even more intensity to the unbearable pain we were already experiencing, will fade from our minds or hearts.

Kathy: I am so glad that you were led to the therapist for Tavian that he had seen before...yes, sometimes our path seems set for us, guided even, and I think this is where our angels play a huge part in our lives. I am so thankful, also, to hear that BJ is still doing well..prayers for continued healing and staying on the right path.

Greg: I am so glad that your family came through to help you with Brian's funeral...and there is no shame in not having the "money put away" for a funeral for your child...it is not something that we think about...staying here, and sending our child on ahead, without us.

Amy, Crystal, Sharon, Morgan's mom....please remember that you all are being held close, kept in our thoughts, and we are all sending strength to you as we all walk this road together.

The first funeral home I called answered "Hello, _______Funeral Home, how may I help you?" "I am calling to speak to someone about my son's funeral." "Oh, could you give me the details...is this for now, or are you preplanning?" "It's for the near future; my son has cancer and is in his last few days." "Okay. Well let me tell you what we have." "Well, first, could you tell me how you expect payment?" "Oh, yes, well, we do require payment up front." "What do you mean?" "Well, we expect payment before the service takes place." "Well, what if the money is not ready yet? We have a life insurance policy, but it isn't paid yet, of course." "Oh. Well, we do take credit cards, and if that is not an option, usually family will come forward and help." "But, what if that doesn't happen?" "Well, as I said, we do require payment up front." "Well, I will have to call you back. Goodbye."

I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone so cold and all business about anything so emotional and distressing.

Second funeral home (the day after Mike died): "Hello, Pelczar Funeral Home, this is Michael speaking, may I help you?" (Yes, his name was actually Michael.) "My name is Carol Johnston, and I am calling to speak to someone about my son's funeral." "I am so very sorry for your loss, Mrs. Johnston. Would you like to come in to talk about the services?" "Well, first I need to ask about the payment. We do have a life insurance policy, but of course it hasn't been paid yet." "Oh, that won't be any problem. Please hold on, I will let you speak with Mr. Pelczar, my father." When Mr. Pelczar came to the phone, I understood immediately where his son got his manners and kindess from. Apparently, his son had told him of my question, and the first thing he told me was that we were not discussing payment or money; we were discussing our son's services and the rest would be taken care of later. I told him of my first phone call, and he told me that funeral directors have different ways of handling that, and his way was to take care of the service and the family, and there was no problem with waiting for payment. He said "If there was a life insurance policy involved, it usually took up to 30 days before they would pay, and we always take that into consideration, and sometimes it is even longer. If there is no policy, then other plans can be arranged. Our main concern right now is to take care of your needs." This man and his son were two of the kindest people I have ever met. I will never forget them. I will also never forget the first response I got from the other funeral home, nor the feelings of total abandonment after that conversation. When we met with Mr. Pelczar, we found him to be every bit as kind and courteous as he was on the phone, and his son was equally so. The day that he came to take Mike out of the house, the pain of that process was made just a little less sharp by their total kindness and consideration while they prepared our son to physically leave our home forever. I will forever be thankful to them.

I can't remember what day my bills are due, or what I did two days ago, or what I am supposed to do tomorrow, but I can remember every moment of those days of planning my son's funeral and memorial service. Of course, Sarah was with us, and we talked about what each of us wanted, and what was most important to each of us, and Mr. Pelczar took it from there. One would think that with us knowing ahead of time that MIke was going to die, we would have had all of this planned...but, the only thing "Planned" or spoken of, was that Mike wanted to be cremated, and to have small, keepsake urns for us, Sarah and each of his children, and his sisters, if they wanted them. And he wanted his sister Cathi to sing "I Will Remember You" at his service. (I know I've spoken of this before, but please bear with me as I bring it back to my memory.) A few days before Mike died, she and her friend went to the city and rented a recording studio to record it---she knew she would never be able to do it when the time came. The beauty of that was that Mike got to hear it before he died. He listened with his eyes closed, as she played the cd for him, and at the end of the song, he lifted his eyes, and with that wry grin on his face, held his thumb up in approval. All the while, my heart was being sucked out of my chest.

if I knew how to insert a link to it, I would, so I could share it with you all. maybe some day I will figure it out.

sending love and peace to all of my indigo family...I thank God for you all, every day.

[shorty16]

Dee - What a wonderful story - and I felt every word of it. I hope you printed this and saved it.

One day our worlds were normal and the next our son was dead. Like Greg said - some days I still cannot believe it happened.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Carol - I could feel my own heart being sucked out of my chest as I read the story of Cathi singing the song for Mike that he requested at his funeral. I don't grow tired of hearing it. Thank God you found the second funeral home....made easier by Michael...both of them, I'm guessing.

Trudi - I'm right there with you. Every time I hear of the way Amanda treated you and Micheal I am outraged. Even as I type this there is a little whisper inside my head that says "she had her good points". Hmmm. I was ready to dump on what a horrible person Amanda was and I get that thought accompanied with "I'm not mad at her" and "I'm free and happy". I sense lightness, compassion...deep compassion for everyone involved...and, incredible wisdom. Such love for his Mum. Wow. If I could describe what I think was a brief encounter with your son I would describe him as a hug...except as gentle as a feather. And, quite strong. Very wise. He is no longer trapped by the bondage of his earthly body and/or struggles with pain medication, but he is quite free. "Amanda doesn't matter. Let her go." What an odd thought. No instructions to just love her like I would expect to receive. A smile. That's the word I would give Micheal. A smile. A sincere, loving, strong smile. "All is well."

Trudi, take that or throw it aside. I've learned to deliver those "experiences" out of respect for the non physical, but I am quite upset that my message about Crystal was so off and I vowed I would never be a conduit again but would ignore further promptings. However, this was too strong to ignore and so I put it out there. Selfishly, I hate doing so because it makes me very vulnerable in a place I need so desperately. If it brings any comfort to you then it is worth it...As I began to type the feeling of Micheal's presence became quite strong...I felt as though he was just inches away from my face encouraging me not to feed any more anger towards the situation with Amanda. Lord knows I was ready to let her have it. I'm trying to find the right description of the experience for you and the only thing I keep picturing is the picture you posted of you sitting on the tree....log, by the water. A while back, Mal took the picture. I keep thinking, "that's how wonderful my life is now".....for a few moments you felt complete serenity....he lives in it continuously.

Dee - I admire you so much. I admire the way you were able to confront the woman driving you around to look at plots. Gosh, almost like a realestate agent. After what just happened to me it is even hard for me to be angry with her. But, I had some choice words set aside for her. Micheal may have just ruined my whole mad. I'll give it some time to wear off and then allow my human side the privilege of dumping all over the cold and hurtful people of the world.

I'll check back later.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

It is foggy this morning, but the temp is suppose the reach 55 F.

That is awesome for Wisconsin this time of year.

Sure hope my fellow friends (on this grief journey that never ends until we do) can take a few steps forward today.

Thinking of each of you

Love you my son, Brian, Your Mom Colleen

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

I am at school as the kids work out some math problems on the board as a morning exercise. Lorri, I cannot listen here at school, but I will at home, thanks for sending us your lovely girl's photos and voice. I know that this is a hard day, a hard place to be, and I so wish it was not.

Kathy, I know that today is a hard place too, facing down the anniversary is never easy, no matter the years that pass. My heart with you.

It is 60 degrees, an unnatural warm but welcome to many, a respite from a very cold winter so far. Strep throat is rampant in our building as is stomach flu. ICK to both.

My hand continues to heal, I only was gone from the kids that afternoon of getting xrays. I did not take any other time off, the kids like watching the colors change.

Col, I wrote the story several years ago and usually remember to change the amount of years in grief when I post it or send it out. So now, we are heading straight for 8 years, seems impossible. I have all of the stories I have written, and thanks for your words.

Susannah, JOY in unison is a good memory to keep.

Trudi, I think I would like a moment with AMANDA, just give her a little something something to think about----that dumbass woman.

[charsng1234]

morning everyone. We did a fund raiser last night a bufflo wild wings. It turned out nice. It was such a hard time to be happy there they kept flashing different pics of my son all night. I only cried 3 times.. I was there from 11am to 11:30 . we stayed all day and night. well cant seem to get to work today really missing shane. going back to bed.. take care everyone. sharon shanes mom..

[ericasmom]

Sharon, what was your fund raising event for? Were Shane's friends there? WE fund raise for the Erica Reith Fund here which is a fund that writes checks to students that are in financial need here at Lincoln School. This is the grammar school that both of my children attended. I write between 2 adn 3000 dollars worth of checks on average per year, supporting the needs of Lincoln kids in Eri's name. The school's PTO (parent teacher organization) recently bestowed a $500.00 gift to the fund, otherwise, most of the funds come from my siblings and nieces and nephews and ERi's friends at our annual ERI-fest each July. My sisters have also been giving money in April in celebration of ERi's birthday.

I hope you had a good turn-out and that folks were generous.

Colleen, weird but welcome warmth hu? The birds are singing their spring music, cardinals are doing the full call. UNUSUAL.

[shorty16]

Dee

The cardinals start right about now claiming their teritory.

Another bird you will hear in February is the Great Horned Owls. They also start early.

Wonderful - isn't it!!!

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

We sat in the front ROW at the funeral...not the front roll. oops.

Glad you all are having some warm weather. I read they are putting some of the snow piles in the river to get rid of it all. Is all the melting causing problems? Seems like last year you all had flooded basements. I hope you have sump pumps or something to help prevent more damage.

My intentions are not matching my actions today. I got up and got the kids off to school and was going to "get moving" but sat down to watch a morning news show and fell asleep and now feel pretty lousy. It's odd ... when Steph first died I felt panic over the loss of myself. I also wondered, as Colleen so well described, how I could still be alive in the midst of so much pain. Now, the memory of who I was is just that, a distant memory. Just sayin'.

I'm going to sleep some more before I HAVE to get up and actually function.

[lolynbo]

4 YRS AGO SHE WAS A BRIDE...OF INNOCENCE...NOW SHES AN ANGEL WORLD TRAVELER, KNOWS IT ALL, I MISS YOU BABY GIRL ...KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL MARRIED FEB 17 2007...DIAGNOSED WITH A BRAIN TUMOR NOVEMBER 4TH 2007....TUMOR BURST NOV 15 2007....NEVER SPOKE AGAIN AND DIED JUNE 17, 2008.... FEBRUARY 27, 1986 - JUNE 17. 2008

SO YOU SEE MY DAY TODAY..AND THE MONTH...I HATE FEBRUARY..

[Crystal16]

Lorri- So sorry dear, I can sense your heartache. I do however love that she and our Angels are world traveler.

Dee- well everyone's story is a piece of their process, the saddest process in the universe, but one that is unique to each, just as our Kiddo is, unique and one of a king. Such a beautiful and peaceful thought, thank you.

Trudi- Amanda was inconsiderate and heartless you are a better woman than I... I would have fistacuffed her!

Susannah- Sweet dear don't beat yourself up, I believe the message you received from Ashlee has some validity. She should have not even been screwing around with Dylan when he had that rifle. Anytime, you have a message from Ashlee no matter hard it may be I would like to hear it.

Glad to hear that some are having some warmth. Enjoy!

[mikesmomrs]

{{{{{{LORRI}}}}}} The journey through February is so difficult for you, but I hope we all can make it just a little less painful by holding you close and sending love and strength...nothing will bring our children back, but sharing them does help some...

[charsng1234]

the fund raiser was for his unborn child.. Also to help us pay some of the funeral cost. Why is it that everyday I get worse?? I feel like someone took my heart and crumbled into a trillion pieces and gave it back.. I dont know how to fix it. I am so scared that I will hurt myself sometimes, I am so angry I hope this gloom will pass... Thanks again for listening to me.. shanes mom...