Loss of an Adult Child

[charsng1234]

morning all, am going to try to make it back to work today. I have only been to wprk for about 6 hrs since shane passed away. I am so scared already, before this all happened i was the one laughing cheering ppl up, jumping out and scaring my friends at work. i made work fu. now they think cause i am back that is who i am. NOT no more I am a scared angry person. I just want to get through today without breaking down at work today. I dont want to be there but we do need to pay those bills. it will be a month tomorrow that I lost my baby shane. Tomorrow will be very hard for me please pray for me. Jenna's mom I feel the same way I am going still to a grief councler been there 2 times he seems to help me along with this site. I still think shane is not gone I am in the stage were I know he is gone but don't believe it!! I try to bargain with GOD all the time to bring him home. I have 5 kids But 2 live away from me my youngest daughter lives here , she has a son but she is so angry all the time I cant talk to her. I hope you keep coming back here.. I hope every one has a blessed day.. Shanes mom... Sharon

[shorty16]

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Colleen-Brentwood is about an hour and a half from here. It is a very nice area with good schools, I've heard. Where I live is close to Ft Campbell KY, where the 101st Airborne is based. That's why we stay so aware here of what's happening in the conflicts that the US is involved with. Small world is right. I'm a terrible bowler, but I love Cash Cab too. I should try to get on the treadmill when its on, maybe it will help. Our weather is much better too. It was even warm enough Saturday for us to lay the tile floor in the bathroom we've been working on. It looks really good, but we haven't done the grout yet. I think its supposed to cure for a few days before you do that, and we ran out of weekend.

Dee-Your recounting of shopping for your Eri Girl's outfit was heartbreaking. It was just after Christmas when I had to pick out Westley's clothes, and he had new ones from Christmas that he'd never even worn. I remember going in his room and opening a drawer and seeing all those new jeans laying there. My husband was there, too and we picked out a pair and then decided on a shirt that I'd bought him that he loved, I think I told you about it before. It had skulls and crossbones, really small, in the line of the plaid. It was brown and dark blue. We put his belt and socks and stuff. We put his key ring that attached to his belt that he wore to try to keep from losing his keys, which had happened before. And his glasses of course. I didn't put his wallet in there, I was afraid I would need his ID and cards in there afterward. The day he would have turned 21 we got his new license in the mail where he had renewed it, so I guess I would have had one anyway. And his death certificate is dated that day. Last night was pretty bad, I'm not sure why. Well that sounds crazy, I mean I know why I have bad nights, just never see the really bad ones coming. I guess that's just as well. I remember at the funeral home my MIL asked me if those were some jeans she'd bought him for Christmas and told me she hoped they weren't. I didn't know what the hell that was about, and had no idea if they were or not, so I told her I didn't think so. I guess it made her feel better, just not sure why. Hope the hand isn't giving you too much trouble today.

Sharon-Good luck at work today, I hope it goes well and your coworkers are understanding if it doesn't.

Jenna's Mom-I'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time and glad that you have found us. Sometimes the tears run out temporarily for me, but I always manage to cry some more. Putting on the mask is so much harder than I ever imagined, and pretending to be getting "better." I think sometimes its easier to pretend to be happy than to explain why I'm not, but it would be less tiresome to be able to let your emotions out, even if they make other people uncomfortable. Its just really hard when you work with people who don't understand or you work with the public, I would think, who not only don't understand, they don't even care. Coming here gives us a place where we don't have to pretend and I hope it helps you as it has me. Peace friend.

Leah-I'm so glad to hear from you but sorry you've been so sick. Take care of yourself and get well soon.

Happy Valentine's Day to all

[lolynbo]

I sent Harmony a card from Scotland in 09. Amanda believes that was Mikes insurance money and I'm and evil ***** etc etc squandering his cash. Yep that's me....taking $400K in lieu of having my son with me......DUMBASS.

YA I FOUND OUT THAT BRENTS DAD THOUGHT I SHOULD GIVE KOURTNEYS INS MONEY TO BRENT...(ONLY $55,000.00)...ANOTHER DUMBASS...

[shorty16]

Dan, How's your Mom doing after her black-out and fall?

Better, I hope

Thinking of you,

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Let's talk insurance Money - We did get a large sum of money from Mike's auto insurance policy, but I would sell my house and panhandle on the corner to repay that money to have Brian back.

It made us physically sick to accept that check - We vowed we would use the money on our surviving children.

Money is suppose to make it all better - RIGHT - WRONG

I would give it all back to have just one more day with you, my sweetheart

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Karen and Lorri - Since Courtney and Shawn were married when they died, did their spouses get saddled with the medical and funeral expenses? If that was the case I can understand them hoping for some extra cash. As for Stephanie, there was no insurance. The person whose four wheeler she was riding didn't have insurance on them. They weren't even registered. Heck. He was in outpatient prison. I don't know what to call it. It's the jail you go to when you're getting out of prison before you are set free. They can go to work, meetings and church. He had a pass to go to church, but he and Stephanie went to his aunts house and rode four wheelers instead. The deputy that responded to the scene of the accident didn't ticket him for not registering the machines or not having insurance. He said "he's got enough on his plate" referring to the owner of the four wheeler. Yes. He had enough on his plate (sarcasm)...he had to go back to real jail because he was where he wasn't supposed to be. We could sue, but we wouldn't get anything. He has nothing. To this day I have not met the boyfriend and I have no desire to.

Fortunately, we weren't billed for any of the medical expenses and/or emergency response to Stephanie. We did pay for her funeral out of pocket. We had extended several thousand dollars for an attorney, fighting for her kids, not to mention buying all their clothes, bedroom furniture...etc. Plus we were taking care of Stephanie, too. Money can never replace my daughter, but it certainly would have been appreciated. I waited for a full year to apply for survivor's benefits for the kids through social security. They asked why I waited so long and I told them I could barely brush my teeth for six months let alone leave the house. We had already begun a college fund for each of them and the money is just deposited straight to their accounts. We use some of it to help pay for their activities.

I was judged harshly by Steph's friends and even her sister for picking up Steph's last paycheck and cashing it a few weeks after Steph died. It was only $260.00, but we needed the money. I cried when I walked in to pick it up and I cried when I deposited it, and then I used the money to pay a bill.

Money is a tool. That's all it is. It isn't a replacement for our children. But you can be sure we have life insurance on each of us and on Stephanie's three children. We also have a trust fund set up with detailed instructions of where the money is to go. If something happens to Gary while these kids are young you can bet I'm keeping the money to raise them. Same thing if something happens to me...Gary would take the money to help raise these kids.

Sixteen months before Stephanie died, my sister died. She didn't have insurance either. She had made a lot of mistakes with her children, on whom the financial burden would fall. I was determined that they would not have to pay a dime to bury their mother. We happened to have the money at that time, so we paid for half her funeral. I roped (cornered) her boyfriend of several years to pay the other half. He had her savings and all her money that he wasn't sharing. We each forked over about $5,000.00. He talks about me as if all I cared about was the money.

Well, we're broke now....too many people dying on us. We had my mother's death in between Steph and my sister, buy my oldest sister had already taken a life insurance policy out on her. She's the sister whose husband and two sons died. She knows all too well the financial burden a death can bring.

So....that's my talk on speech on life insurance. Get it. If you're lucky enough to have had it, use it. If you feel guilty about it, stop it. It's just money. You don't have to apologize for having it. You don't have to explain yourself about it. It will never replace your child. You would pay more than that to have your child back. But, since none of those are our options, I say do with it what you will.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Leah...so very glad to see your sweet JaBoa's beautiful face this morning, and to hear frm you that you are okay. I am so sorry that you've been so sick. Like Dee, I wish I lived near enough to help out. I pray your strength returns so that you can feel even better.

MONEY: GGRRRRrrrrr...the totally dumbass things people can say about that! We ran into a "friend" one time, shortly after Mike and Sarah had moved into their own apartment...they (Mike and Sarah) had been living with us to save money to get their apartment when Mike was diagnosed. Of course, Mike never worked after that, and Sarah stayed home all summer to be with him and to go to radiation treatments every day with him, so there was no money to save. In the early fall, during one of the times I was speaking with the person who ran the Human Resources office where Mike had worked (we had to keep in touch a lot because of insurance complications and they had named me as their spokesperson), she said "Please let us know if there is anything we can do, and I mean anything at all." It flashed instantly through my head how broke they were, and I said, "Well, they really need some cash. His disability hasn't kicked in yet and they have nothing." (By this time, Sarah had gone back to work, but that barely covered their bills) This person is a very nice, caring person, who had been so nice through all of the insurance mess up, etc., writing letters, making calls, etc. In fact, it was because of her that the boss offered to pay Mike's share of his health insurance up til he was covered by disability. Well, next thing you know, a couple of weeks later, she's calling to ask if she can come over to bring "something" to them (they had no idea this was in the works). That night, she brought over a check for $10,000. They had collected $5,000, (the employees -- about 50-- contributed, and wanted to also contribute all the money they had raised already for their Christmas and summer parties) and the owners matched all that was collected. So, they got to move out into their own apartment which was totally awesome that they got to do that...it was such a tremendous gift for them to be able to be on their own. Well, I was telling this friend, and mentioned the employer's very generous gift, and though not intending to, mentioned how much it was. I waas saying how much they appreciated it and that it was a tremendous thing for his employer and coworkers to do, and then as she walked away, she said "Well, I'd rather have my so than ten thousand dollars." NO S+++, Dick Tracy!! I think I stood there for five minutes before I could move...I was afraid that if I said or did anything, I would have wound up in jail! I cried all the way home.

Dee: So sorry that you fell, and I hope it was just a sprain. Wrists can be tricky, so please watch it closely for changes.

Rhonda: I think you handled your MIL's question about the jeans very well...don't know if I could have done the same. Mike wore his favorite outfit...a pair of patchwork pants and a Bob Marley shirt...we used to call the pants his "hippie pants." We do all understand the "Last night was pretty bad, though I don't know why" statement...a common occurrence with the members of this "club."

Sharon: Good luck with the return to work. I am so very sorry that you are having to go through any of this. I too was one of those who tried to make work fun...on holidays, I always decorated my desk and had a bowl of candy on my counter. When I returned to work, I was, of course, a very different person. Just don't feel pressured tol do or be anything other than what you are able. I eventually got back some of my "upbeat" attitude, but it was never the same, and it took a very, very long time.

Jenna's mom: So very, very sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. As Sus said, we all would like to know more about her, and you, but only when you think you are able to talk about her.

Trudi: Amanda is in a class and a world of her own...I am so sorry that she has caused so much added pain to your life. So, how did the garage sale go? Did it all "go?" You were good to help out and I hope that the driveway was empty by the end of the day.

Lynn: thanks for the good wishes. Have a good day, too.

Col: Have a good week, sweet friend.

Betty, Bonnie, Betsy, Karen,...all others I am thinking of you all.

Got to get dressed...going to lunch with hubby.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYBODY!

sending love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: we posted at the same time...I agree, life insurance...get it if you can. We had coverage for Mike's funeral expenses, and we had taken a policy out on him when his kids were babies, "just in case." It wasn't much, but it is something to put away towards their school. I was so glad we took it when we did, because once he started having seizures, we wouldn't have been able to get any. He had just started a life insurance policy at his new job, and that was one of the things that the HR person helped with...it wasn't supposed to pay out til he'd had it a year, but she got it processed and paid, and though it wasn't much, (40K), it gave Sarah something to fall back on. Sarah stayed home with Damon for that first year, then went back to school in an accelerated program, so it really helped with all of that.

You have been through so much, and so much loss. I know that you could likely write a book and probably should.

love and peace to you today, Carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Carol - People are so stupid! If Mike's work had donated a bronze statue and you mentioned how grateful you were that woman would have commented on what an honorable thing it was...but, put money into the equation and they think we're money hungry. Let's hope they never have to find out for themselves. Better them to think we're greedy than for them to know THIS. God bless the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid. ARGH!!!! That just tops the cake....that woman.

[Crystal16]

Good Afternoon all,

Jenn- I can relate, I pushed most of my family away from me because they either don’t understand my pain or it’s easier to be numb then pretend everything is okay.

Trudi- Wow Amanda emotions are so empty like a black hole. I’m so sad that you had to go through that along with trying to grieve the loss of Mike.

Leah- It is so nice to see JaBoa's picture. Glad to see that you are back to the board and feeling better too.

Dan- How is your mother doing?

Sharon- My prayers are with you my friend, while you embark towards the one month marker of your son’s Shane passing. Be kind to yourself, it takes time before a new normal creeps into your life.

Dee- How is your left palm dear? I hate not knowing if there is black ice or not under the snow. Is that the reason you slipped?

Lynn, Dee, Susannah, Greg, Betty, Betsy, Colleen, Lorri, Carol, Rhonda and anyone I may have missed I am thinking of you…

Happy Valentine’s Day all, you are so loved and I pray your day is filled with genuine Agape Love and peace.

[ericasmom]

HI gang,

Carol, I am laughing my butt off at the comment of no s---Dick Tracy. Love it.

The left palm Crystal is purple adn swollen adn painful through the thumb. I went for xrays this afternoon, got a sub for the class for the afternoon and just got home. I will hear from my doc later I hope. I need to go get some arnica, homeopathic remedy for trauma injuries, and see if that helps promote some healing.

Bad train accident in Chicago today, freight train at grade crossing, no lights working at crossing adn two cars rammed it in the night. One car half under the train car. Don't know if folks are still living or not. Made my heart ache of course.

Talk with you all later, love you,

dee

PS Sharon, how was work today? One month is very hard, we will all be holding you up.

[Crystal16]

Dee,

Keep us posted Hun I hope your palm is not fractured somehow. Sad to here about the freit train accident. I'm sure it brings back a lot of pain. Holding you tight, my friend.

[ericasmom]

Hi Crys,

thanks I will keep you posted. I need to go ice it again. The frieght train accident was odd, two cars hit it, one going north, one south, either seeing it in the black of night and hitting a black oil car that was stalled on the tracks. All four passengers in cars are alive, I think all will live to tell about it. I guess there are a few miracles in the world.

How are you Crystal, are you feeling better or not after speaking with the news team?

We did not have life insurance, but we did not pay any hospital bills due to Eri's car insurance...paid the whole thing.

[Guest msnher]

In my opinion, Dee, Amtrack should have paid the whole thing...and then some. I hope your hand heals quickly.

[ericasmom]

AMTRAK paid little at all, being cleared of all issues by a federal court, of course, who owns the railroads? The feds.

But the light was not put there by Amtrak, instead the township but was hooked into AMTRAKS timers and Amtrak recored it broken for 11 months each month writing it down with their monthly checks of lights, write it down, record it, report it only once to the township. In my opinion the town adn Amtrak own the responsibility equally, but the township constructed the new crossings per our suit against them, adn we got some money but certainly not a lot. Not much and not anything that is close to being wealthy, hell no. If Eri was a momma, there would have been a bigger settlement.

the crosssings were changed though, of that I am thrilled.

[charsng1234]

well all, I still have 1 1/2 hrs to go had only 3 breakdowns..Dee sorry you got hurt I hope your doing better, I also had no life insurance on shane If it was not for the town his friends and our credit card I dont know what we would be doing. I also started an account for my sons new baby that will be born in August. I know its not ever about the money but it helps with bills. Jenna's mom Hope your hanging in there I know its hard cause I feel like jumping out of my skin everyday! To everyone here will write again have to run back to work.. Thanks for all your support this is the hardest thing I will face in my life... Shanes mom... Sharon,

[daniellemom]

Dee - Please take care of yourself and I hope you heal quickly and there are no broken bones or anything torn.

Sharon - I'm so proud of you and so is Shane for working today!

Dan - I pray your mother is feeling better.

Happy Valentines Everyone!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lolynbo]

Since Courtney and Shawn were married when they died, did their spouses get saddled with the medical and funeral expenses?

WE GOT BILLS FOR A WHILE IN HER NAME FOR THE PHYCISIANS..(SP)...LAST I NEW THEY WERE $750 K...6 MO IN ICU AT $10,000 AT THE LEAST A DAY HER BILL WAS WAY OVER 1 MILL..BUT NEVER ONCE DID WE GET A BILL FROM HOSP...JUST DOCS....AND THEN THE LAST NURSING HOME THE BILL WAS $950 WHICH I NEVER PAID...HAD THE OWNER FILED HER PAPERS CORRECTLY INSTEAD OF SLEEPING WITH HIS SECRETARY IT WLD HAVE BEEN COVERED BY HER MEDICADE/OR MEDICARE IDK WHICH KOURTNEY HAD...

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sonya, so good to see you. Doc just called and said it is a bad sprain, not a break. So good for that anyhow. It's pretty blue adn purple.

I agree with Sonya Sharon, good for you giving work a try. It takes a great deal to face daily life, but doing so sometimes feels kind of like the right thing.

Blessings all,

dee

[sadmomm]

Hi Dee Sorry you hurt yourself. I didn't hear what happened. but I am sorry. WE don't have insurance and hubby was just in hospital for back injury. I thought he was lying when lawyer told me this for deposition. Cry wolf... But he wasn't. He is better now. But i guess we are living on the edge without insurance. neither life nor health. Like I said we are weird. smile.

Hi Sharon. I am so sorry you are here. With us. In this new sad state of life that we so dearly want to be not real. My son is not with us anymore either. And he was so much a part of who we were. Before this. I am coming up on a year. I am still bargaining. It is stupid but each of us has to deal with it in our own way. The guilt will make me a better person to value each moment. each quality time. To pay closer attention. And to know each one of us is an individual. No comparisons. I know you are going to go through what i have been going through. The pain when i watch TV or go out in public. The constant thinking about them. Trying to visualize every moment. I share your pain. As I know we all do. Each one has a different circumstance. A different child. But each one is a mom and remembers their birth and their life. I cry when i read this stuff as you will reading this. It is the saddest most complicated. shattering situation. I am truly sorry and crying with you. My other son helped me the most. I hope your other children do also. Love carrie. Morgans mom

Jennas Mom. Love to you and your beautiful child. I want my child also. More than anything in this world. But it is not to be. Love to you and your family.. I would say I could offer words of advice. But advice is not in order. Just memories and sadness and of course our very deep love for them that will never end. And I hope we are reunited because that is what church says. I am not sure of anything. But I am sure that they are the most loved individuals on this earth. I am sure of that. I hope your husband supports you and somehow find some peace. carrie

Happy Valentines to all indigos. Looking forward to talking with you all.

[ericasmom]

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the traumatic shootings on the campus at Northern Illinois University. My niece sat in that lecture room with her friends and many others just as they did twice per week when the shooter came in and shot the place up, killing 5 young people before killing himself, oh and wounding many. Laura, my dear sweet niece and her buddies crawled out while he was still shooting. They saw others die, they lost shoes as they crawled out the back door flagging down the campus police who at that time knew nothing. I pray for Laura and all those who witnessed so great a loss, they are forever changed by it. I pray for the families of those taken so quickly by a man whose mental illness did not prevent him from purchasing many guns and ammunition.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: So glad to hear that your fall resulted in only a sprain, though sometimes they can be more painful than an actual break...I hope you heal soon and all is back to normal for you. I am so sorry to hear about the train accidents, but glad to hear that all survived. Yes, I can imagine it must send such a chill right down to your smallest bone when you hear of another train accident.

Carrie: I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time in the wishing and wishing for Morgan to walk through that door, but all of this is perfectly normal and expected, especially at this stage for you. Of course, knowing taht doesn't make it any easier...the pain is still there, biting and piercing. Please know that we all send you strength and comfort, holding you close in our hearts---we are here for you.

Sonya: so good to see your beautiful Danielle's smile and to hear from you. I hope all is well with Mattie and James. (Is it "Mattie" or "Maddie?") How are they doing in school?

I've noticed that we have some more new moms posting on the "Loss of a Child" forum...I hope they will come to this one and post so that they will be able to make contact when they need to.

I have figured out something that may help with all of the problems of new members wondering how they will ever figure out who is who...I know that we always say it doesn't matter, and it really doesn't, we all know it will eventually work its way out. But, we also know how frustrating it can be because we've been there. I have found that if you sign into the page at the top, right hand corner, and click on the arrow by your name. Click on "settings" then click on "profile" (it is important that you click on "settings" before you click on profile, or it doesn't seem to bring up the correct place)

You will then see:

Comments:

Friends

Profile Info

and then:

Required Information:

Go to Loss type, and type in your child's name and if you want, the nature of their passing. (if you want to, but only if you want to)

Then go to Angel date, and here is where it can be really helpful:

In stead of just typing in your precious child's "angel date" you can type in the birthdate and angel date in the same spot...as in Mike's 8/20/75-10/14/06

BE SURE TO CLICK ON SAVE CHANGES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.

This way, all of that information is right beside our post, each time we post. It also helps to sign off our posts with our name, and even, if you want, your child's name. There is a way to put this into your "signature," but we can save that for another time. It can be confusing if all is attempted at once.

I hope I haven't made this even more confusing. I know taht when I see the birthdate and the angel date at the bottom of our info beside our posts, it clues me in to who, if anyone, is nearing a time when they need extra support, etc.

Also, I can't remember who it was, but someone wanted to upload an avatar...if you click on "forums" at the top of the page, and then click on "help/questions" you can post that you want to upload an Avatar and Eric will get back to you.

I hope everyone has had as pleasant a day as possible. Sharon, I hope work went okay. Three breakdowns is totally understandable...I hope everyone there was understanding for you.

Hubby took me to lunch today for Valentine's day. (Supper crowds are too much to deal with on V-day) When we went out to get into the car, we were talking about it being Valentine's day, etc. When we started to get into the van, he dropped something on the floor behind his seat. I opened the side door on my side to help him look...as i was searching, I saw something shining. It was teeny tiny, but I saw that it was red. It turned out to be the double heart charm that he had given to me last Valentine's day, that I had lost, among some other charms, from the key ring that he and Cathi gave to me last year for my birthday. The "holder" for the charms was a glass heart, and the heart had broken without my realizing it and when I finally saw it, four of the charms were missing. I did locate the two "girl" charms, and the angel charm, as well as the "I love my Grandkids charm." A few weeks ago (I think I posted this), Ralph was out in the driveway and saw something glimmering on the ground. (now, these charms are about as big as a pencil eraser, if not smaller). We've had 3-4 snowstorms, with plowing, etc. The "boy" charm that I lost was laying in the driveway, stuck in between the gravel. Now, today, on Valentine's day, I find the double heart charm, even after having my car detailed since losing it! How awesomely awesome is that!

sending love and peace to all of my indigo family, all of whom keep me sane and help me to avoid the pit...my life is richer because of you, and because of all of the love sent to us by our angels.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: We must have posted at the same time...I am so sorry that your niece, and all of those involved, had to suffer this terrifying experience. I too pray for those involved, for those lost, and those who lost them. Terror is evil, evil, evil, and it is often difficult to find forgiveness in our hearts, even when those involved are suffering from mental illness. But, I pray for them, too, they likely need it most.

love and peace,

[Guest msnher]

That is soooo sad, Dee. My prayers join yours. I hope your sprained wrist heals quickly.

Lorri - I didn't mean for you to explain the life insurance and bills. I was just trying to understand why others might feel entitled to some of it, and so "tossed" that out there for thought. We ended up refinancing our house to help pay for the funeral and all the legal fees. It's wrong on so many levels that medical care is so expensive. $10,000.00 a day is unfathomable.

[aim630]

Leah-sorry to hear you haven't been feeling well, but I'm glad you checked in with us. The flu has been terrible this year, so many people sick. It's so difficult to be sick when you are the one taking care of everyone else. I hope you get some time to rest & that you're over the worst of it.

Dee-I'm glad your wrist is not broken, but I'm sure it's still very painful. Our driveway is a sheet of ice, I'm lucky I did not fall today. Hopefully it will warm up in the next couple of days & completely melt the ice. I remember that shooting. How terrible for the kids who were in that room and had to witness that.

Sharon-I'm proud you made it through the day at work. I remember my first few days at work after Ashley died. I only took a week and one half off, and my boss seemed to think that was too much! I was so angry and jealous of everyone there, since they didn't have to deal with what I did. I hope your coworkers are understanding and you have some support.

Money...I only got half Ashley's life insurance (my half was $5000). She never named a beneficiary, so I had to split it with her dad, who only paid child support for 4 years. I probably could have taken him to court to get the other half, but I didn't really care about the money, just the principle that he did not deserve one penny. Also, they raised money at work, and my employers matched it also. It was while Ashley was sick & I wanted it to be used to help her pay her bills and get back on her feet when she recovered. Of course that never happened. We put the money aside for Katie, because I'm sure Ashley would have wanted that. Her employer paid for her entire funeral (ironically so I have 100% of her life insurance). He also continued to pay her health insurance for 3 months, even though she was not working. Of course we would all trade every penny just to have our kids back. I hated even depositing the check. One of the things I feel guilty about was when Ashley got sick, but before she went into the hospital, she needed me to pick up her paycheck. It was about an hour out of my way, so of course I complained that she didn't have direct deposit. I had to wait at her work for about half an hour because they would not give me the check before 5 PM. I was so mad and yelling at Ashley because I had told her to get direct deposit. She cried and asked why I was being so mean to her. I feel so bad now, because that was a few days before she got admitted, and that was one of the last times I got to hear her voice & I was yelling at her.

I really hate this...

On a lighter note, I will try to post a picture of Sofia.

Amy/Ashley's mom

Sofia.htm

[daveydow1]

Man,-----Am I ever behind.,,,,,but will try to catch up a bit.

Carrie----You must be an excellent seamstress to be able to sew all those things. Most of them, I wouldn't even tackle. My

sewing machine just gets used for repairs mostly, and maybe a couple pairs of PJs for the grandies. I hope you can get

some work.

Dee----Yes, I agree.....it is easy to torture ourselves with guilt, and going over & over the 'unknowable'. Best to concentrate

on what we DO know.....that's for sure. No easy thing to do, I know. Hope your hand is feeling better, and that there is not

serious injury. Sorry to hear of the bad train wreck in Chicago. I know how those accidents can bring up so many sad

emotions.Today, I was in the town where we lived when Dave was still living.....he went to high school there etc....it was a cold,

rainy, gloomy day. I was so sad.....just cried. Shouldn't have gone there.

Jennasmom-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Jenna. This site is a good one, and everyone knows your

pain and sadness. Please come back to BI. Peace to you.

Leah-----Hope that you are feeling better. That flu is so nasty when it hits. Take care. Sending prayers.

Sharon-----Yes......smells do have a powerful way with us. After Davey died, I was cleaning out his room ( probably nearly a

year later ), and ther was a bottle of Cool Water aftershave on the shelf. I opened it and smelled it, and just cried & cried.

You are right----smells can bring so many memories of our lost children. It was years afterward that I could stand to smell

Johnson's baby powder after my baby girl died..(she was 6 mo. old ).

Trudi---The truckdriver who was sleeping while driving the 49,000 lb. truck that killed Dave was charged with only a misdemeanor

vehicular homicide. $1,000. fine, 6 mo. in jail (suspended), and lost his drivers license for a yr. His company took him off the road,

and put him in the warehouse. For all I know, he could be back out driving again. Sorry I missed your dear dad's angelversary, and

he surely was there to greet Mike. Sweet pic of you & little Muttley. Such a cute dog.

Colleen---I so know what you mean about insurance money. David's company had an insurance policy on him that paid double

indemnity for accidental death. We had to use most of it to bury him, and to pay off a couple smaller bills he owed. I'm a lousy

bowler.....never did very well at it. Don't bowl anymore. Your are so right.........just one more day with our darlings......if only.

Rhonda----Had to giggle about your saying your sewing skills could be like a 6 yr.-old tailor. I can sew some things, but am not

skilled at it---that's for sure. I used to sew more things......don't have the patience for it now.

Dan---Sending thoughts & prayers that your dear mom recovers, and that it is nothing serious.

Sharon-----So sorry that you are feeling in that dark place. Please take care, and come to BI . We're not "licensed", but I thing that

BI is good 'medicine' for the soul.

Carol---It's probably best that Davis is moving back home, although I can see where it would be another adjustment. You were so wise

not to say too much when he told you of his plans to move in with the friends. This way, he found out firsthand, for himself, just how it

wasn't working out well, with the lazy friends. I hear this so often. Young people moving in together, and first thing you know......someone

(or more than one) is not doing their share, is lazy, doesn't want to pay, is messy, and a whole list of bad things. I guess the lazy ones

think that if they move in with someone else, that then it's a FREE RIDE. ARGggggghhh. How unrealistic can they get ?. I'm glad that Davis did not sign

a lease that he'd be obligated to. I know he must be disappointed, but at least he found out how these other loafers/slackers were.

Karen----Shawn's wife sounds very spiteful and immature in a lot of ways. This must be very hard for you. As to the privacy of this site,

I believe that anyone can come on here & read the posts......if they happened to know of, or come upon the site (by putting in a

keyword), maybe. since we don't have to register or sign it with a password. It must be very heartbreaking for you to be grieving, and

at the same time dealing with Shawn's wife. My son was not married, and had no children, so I had not had the kind of situation as

you are having., but I have heard other mothers who lost a child who was married, or living with someone, having similar problems.

Peace and comfort, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

I will try this again...

[rlolheiser]

I had intended to try to do some catching up, but it isn't working, my body isn't bouncing back. My eyes hurt to read right now, I will try to get back on again soon.. I just am not myself. Always remember I am thinking of you.. I hope tomorrow I feel better..

[summergirl]

THE REASON I BREATHE EACH DAY.....

[ericasmom]

Kath, such great photos of Tavian, thanks for posting them.

Leah, go to bed right this minute. Take advantage of the down time and sleep. We love you, now pretend that we just pulled the covers up to your nose, time for sleep.

Carol, how very nice to have found the red heart on Valentines Day...most lovely. Thanks Mike.

Amy, Eri and I had many an argument my Dear. We are all with you on that. The fact is, it felt like an inconvienance at the time, and it was one at the time. Now? Well we know just what we would do now had we been given that chance. Be kind to yourself, and when that gets hard to do, think of what you would tell me or someone else here if they were beating themselves up over an argument with their Child. See how smoothly that advice comes forth, now please try to use it on yourself. I apologized to ERica outloud for several years for the waste of time I spent with a bad boyfriend while she was around 10 and 11 years old. Why couldn't I listen to her when she did not like him? And so I think that over two years of her life were spent in discomfort because I liked an idiot of a man and he was always around. I probably apologized everyday for a couple of years, nothing to heavy but just how I talk with her. Anyways, it helped me to do that over the years, left more room for all the good thoughts of Eri Eileen.

sleep tight Everyone- dee

[sadmomm]

Moms

[sadmomm]

MomsI am very lost. I wanted to talk but sat in front of this computer and went blank How can life ever be ok again.?

The Beuty of a Rainbow

A starry Night

A lovers Embrace

The sunshine on my face

A warm Summer Eve

The color of the white snow

Your Laughter Your smiles

How I miss them so

Your life so short So over

How it was supposed to last so long

My life so trn with sadness

But somehow we must go on

You memory Your soul Your light

Shines in my heart every day and every night

Only if I had one wish

You know exactly what it would be

To hold you tight and love you

Just as it should be

You touched so many lives

I am so thankful you were here

Forever my dear son

My love will always be

[shorty16]

Sharon, Shane's Mom (and the other newbies) - You hit the nail on the head - This is the hardest thing you will ever experience in your life.

In the beginning, we make it one breath at a time - and I am not kidding. Reaching out to others in a similar situation is what allowed me to survive and actually begin to accept who I have become because of Brian's death at 16 (I still cannot believe he was so young). I will never accept that my son died at 16, but I can accept who I am because of it.

One breath at a time, Breaking down at work or at home or in the car (done all those). Those are our days, weeks, months until a little glimmer of time comes when our brain is not consummed with our child's death. That little glimmer of time becomes longer and longer until we can go a whole 5 minutes without thinking about it.

I am right there with you-all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and Ever

[charsng1234]

That poem was my shane.. Just like I am sure it was others that read it and will feel the same way I do!! Today is the 15th its been one month. I still have to try to get through work. We are going infront of the house of the man that shot my son to light candles. I want him to remember every 15th what he took from me!!! Is it weird of I smiled while talking about him yesterday? I dont know how to act any more. I cried for most of the morning and in the after noon I was talking to a girl from work and for 5 minutes I smiled? I feel so guilty for doing it. I have no clue what I am doing anymore. Bye all for now...

[Guest msnher]

sadmom - There are many rough patches during this journey. Initially, it seems more like one continuous plethera of raw emotion. Hang on. Eventually you'll find a smoother patch, albeit still rough, but those times will happen more often, and you will learn to breath again without the pain. Hang on.

How's your hand, Dee?

Missing you, Betty. Hope you are well at your sisters.

Leah I hope you are feeling better soon.

Sonya - It was good to see Danielle's beautiful smile when I logged on yesterday. I hope you are well.

Dan - How's your mother?

Trudi - Are you still in the hills?

Michelle - How are you?

Colleen - The word acceptance brings on whole other meaning for me since Stephanie died. I have no choice but to accept the fact that she died. She's gone, that's fact. But, I don't have to approve of it.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I got about an hour's sleep around 5 this morning. No reasons for it. I have a splitting headache now. I'm going to get the kids off to school and try to get some sleep.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - It is not weird that you smiled talking about Shane and it is not weird that you feel guilty about it. About two weeks after Stephanie died her dad and I happened to be at the same place, drinking coffee. We ended up sitting together and completely ignored others around us and talked about our daughter...There were a lot of "remember whens". We laughed and cried. We have many wonderful memories of who our daughter was (and some not so wonderful ones too)....we cry because she died, and all the regrets we are suddenly slapped with because of her death, but we laugh and smile at who she was. Hugs to you, Sharon and all newbies!

[shorty16]

Sharon

You are doing great!! You are out of the house and back to work - that is a huge step. Please give yourself credit for that.

So you know who killed your son? Do you know why? Not that that matters.

YOU GO GIRL - standing in front of that murderers house!!! You are doing great

If I were there, I would hug you, consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[charsng1234]

I dont know him, He is a local vet/etired military. I just know were hie house is. He shot my son in the head because he tried to say he was trying to get into his house. funny he was just at the party 3 houses down when the cops came and all the kids took off. He was on the phone with his friend at 1am for about 7 minutes telling him I am scared come get me. shortly after he hung up the man shot him in the back of the head!!! But this man told police he was fearfull for his life from a drunk kid on the cell phone... Sorry just had to vent!! Shanes mom sharon.

[ericasmom]

I will never accept that my son died at 16, but I can accept who I am because of it.

Col, I love those words, you have really found your steps, your pace, your balance Kid. Brian is smiling on your efforts.

Sharon, you are doing a lot at an early stage in all of this. One month is a lifetime when we lose someone, but it is also a blink of an eye on this continuum. It is this groundwork in the first year that will help you to find your steps later on. Good for you to find some strength to deal with the day. As far as smiling, well all I can think is that your Boy smiled when you did, wanting to know that speaking of him can evoke joy.

Peace some day,

dee

[westleysmom]

Sharon-The monthly anniversaries were very hard for me, so I'm thinking of you today and hoping that you have strength for the day. People who haven't been through this will tell you that every day it will get better, and at least for me they are wrong. There will be a better day, and then there will be a worse day, or two or three. And then the gift of a day when you smile a little, and even laugh out loud. Then you feel like the worst mother in the world for laughing ever again, even though you know Shane would want you to laugh again. In this crazy topsy turvy world after your child dies, nothing feels normal.

Sonya-Good to see you and beautiful Danielle. Hoping that the days are treating you well.

Dee-Hope the hand is better and not bothering you too much.

Kathy-Loved the pics of the birthday boy. Such a sweetie!

Amy-And the picture of Sofia, she must have an older sister? Didn't it say the little sister on her onesie?

I haven't said anything because they just went to the dr last week, but I'm getting a new grandbaby in August! My daughter told us right after Christmas, but it was so early, she didn't want us to tell anyone. We won't know for a while whether its a boy or girl, but either is fine with them. I think my granddaughter might rather have a puppy, but she doesn't get to pick. I don't really have a preference, but it would be nice to have a little boy around again. Both my kids got their Daddy's blue eyes, and my granddaughter has them too. I'm the only person in my imediate family that doesn't have blue eyes, (brown, not too exciting), so I wonder if this one will too. It's not that important, but kind of funny because before my kids were born, everybody told me I would never have blue eyed children (which I wanted) because brown eyes are dominant. But both my Grammy and my Big Mama had light colored eyes, and I guess that came out in my kids. So anyway, I wanted to share the big news with you all.

Have a good day all!

[ericasmom]

Hey Rhonda, your brown eyes must be from a recessive gene hu?I am brown eyed as well, though both parents were hazel eyed. I have two siblings with blue eyes, one with greenish, and my little bro and me are brown eyed. My Son has brown eyes, deep brown, and Eri had her Daddy's blue-green ocean eyes. Only hers had a bolt of lightening on the iris.

Rhonda, I know and remember the sense of "should I be laughing, am I nuts to be smiling?" But the overriding thought and feeling for me was Eri guiding me to those things that would bring joy again. I did not keep the guilt long for those laughter smiling moments, more the guilt lasted for the other stuff, the wasting time with arguing stuff, the bad boyfriend I had stuff. When I still went for my powerwalks after Eri died, some folks said, "oh, I would never be able to return to something I did before my child died..." Well, I did, and it felt good and right and as though she was sitting up on my shoulder taking those walks with me. She is probably laughing when I fell, boy that hurt. My hand is healing quickly, I can type with little pain now, and much of the bruising has decreased. I am pleased. John (husband) mom went into surgery last night for the hip out of place again, but this time no cutting, just put her out and yanked that sucker into place. I imagine that she is rather sore today, but a whole less so without being cut.

Okay Rhonda, Grandma and Big Mama. Is Big Mama your great grandmom?

love to all,

dee

[sadmomm]

SharonI am glad my poem hit home with you. I am so lost. Life was not supposed to be without our beautiful sons or daughters. Yet I see here we are all in this predicament and we must go on. I talk to him all the time trying to keep him from dying but he is gone. the four lettter word we don't want to say.

Rick and I are goin gto a lawyer this afternoon. I don't really care whether it goes one way or the other. We made some really horrible choices in life. And one was not taking wonderful vacations with our beautiful children. Time to change. can't make up .. but change. Numbness sucks. I hope all your marriages are in heaven not in whatever mine is in. Carrie

[ericasmom]

Carrie, good luck at the lawyers today. I am so sorry for the turmoil you are in in addition to the extreme pain. Did you write the poem you posted? It is lovely. thanks for sharing it.

dee

[sadmomm]

Thanks Dee I did write that poem. I have so much to say but don't know where to begin. I was just gettin gto a point where we could have done so much more together. Morgan and I were at ends .. He was mad at me and rightfully so. And I just thought he needed to work some stuff out. He needed me and I let him down. I guess we all truly feel that way how else could we. How could he die?? He did. Death is something for animals not our children. Yes animals are outin the field acting irresponsibly. Break their leg poke their eye out. can't have a baby baby too big. old age.. they die. get hit in the road. Well I can't hardly take it. but it is something me and you adn everyone else here has to take stuck down. their throught like a dagger. I am so sorry we are in such pain. My child lived. He breathed. He was handsome. He had a huge personality. LIfe sucks without him but suck as it may. it is... love to you. thanks for caring. carrie

[westleysmom]

Carrie I loved the poem too, but couldn't get straight in my mind who wrote it when I was posting.

Dee- Grammy was my Mama's mama, and Big Mama was my Daddy's mama. Big Mama was a big woman, but I'm not sure if it was her size as much as the size of her family that her name came from. She bore 15 children, including 2 sets of twins, my Daddy was one of the twins, he had a twin sister that my middle name is after. The other set was both boys, one of them died from food poisoning as a baby. I think another child died young or at birth, because I can't come up with all their names! I know if I had that many kids, I'd be a basket case. Oh, wait, I AM a basket case. Big Mama had a really hard life raising her family during the 20s/30s/40s (takes a while when you have that many kids) There wouldn't be much work and Big Daddy would have to go away to find work and she was all on her own a lot of the time. Almost all of the boys joined the service when they were old enough. They had to sign for my Daddy to join the Navy at 17 during WWII. I miss him so much and hope he knew how proud of him I am.

[ericasmom]

Thanks for clarifying the big mamma Rhonda. Some of my students use that term and some are great aunties, some are great grandmoms.

The poem is a place to begin Carrie, a beautiful tribute to the way you are feeling in this exact moment. If we start right where we are, deep in grief and the spin of not knowing where it is we will land, we have a better chance of identifying the very lost feelings we have. Your poem defines that well. Your poetry is where you should start finding your way. Write your way through this time. Keep a journal and post with us whenever you feel so moved. Keep a journal and date each entry so taht one day, you look back and say, " oh yes, I remember when I was in that phase of this journey, and it can be very cathartic to use your words for healing. This whole journey is a process, the process changes and morphs, right now however it feels as though it never will. Writing will help you see that it does. I write poetry too, and when I was in therapy I would bring my poems to my therapist to show her what I was feeling on those days when I could not articulate in person. Keeping track of so sad a time might seem doubly sad to some, but if you are a writer by nature, it seems to be a great tool.

My wishes for you in every thing that you do.

[kmb22]

Edit

[Crystal16]

It was hard morning today to hear testimonies from friends and Dylan’s mom on how he is such a Good Samaritan. Are you kidding, you pointed the gun at my daughter and pulled the trigger!!!! His mother was laughing and joking around like nothing horrible ever happened. If it was the other way around and Ashlee was in there for manslaughter the last thing I would do is make light of the situation. There is a family grieving the loss of their daughter and I’m was the one who bought my daughter the gun without teaching basic 101 or safety awareness, shame on me and be silent. The public defendant was asking for a non-monetary release or at least $15,000 surety/bond. Again, WTF it goes from $250,000. to none. I wanted to stand in-front of Janelle (Dylan’s mom) and say are you kidding me a young girls life has been cut short because your family’s bad decisions!!!! The judge motioned for $75,000. I wait anxiously all week to see if the family makes bail while I struggle with many emotions.

[lostwoher]

How does one go to see Ozzy in concert and end up crying? Yes, that happened to me last night. As soon as the song "Mamma, Im Coming Home" started, so did the tears. Oh how I long to hear those words from my girl.

Money? I received $1000 from Kayla's bank ( standard for all who have an account ) which went straight to the funeral home. Walgreens donated $3000 towards expenses but only after I had to send in a request. My manager was certain they would pay for everything but it happened at the same time of Hurricane Katrina and they had alot to deal with there. Co-workers took up a collection which I used to help purchase the headstone. Everything else is left up for me to pay. Thankfully I am able to send a small amount monthly. The real kicker is finding out that her grandparents had a life insurance policy on her but has yet to this day cover any portion except for the plot. That was just so I would lay her to rest next to her father. As if I would place her anywhere else. Needless to say we havent spoken except for once about 3 weeks after her funeral. I dont want the money but I do believe it should have been used properly.

I see so many new names on the board. So sorry for your reason to be here but glad you have found a great bunch of caring people.

It has been 30 months for me and yes, it has gotten a wee bit softer but not a single day goes by that I dont think of her.

Today is my off day and I havent done a single thing except drink too much coffee. Guess I had better get moving or I will have to do it all before going to work tomorrow.

Take care ALL. xo