Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

HI Newbie,

I hope that my energy helps you to know that time, that horrid thing, is also the entity that will help you to feel whole again one day. Time and work. WOrking to understand the guilt we all feel, to also learn to have the strength to release some of it as you go. Many of us early on in this sad journey, feel that if we let even one speck of our guilt or sadness go, we are letting go of our child...we are never letting go of our child and in fact, letting go of some of the replaying of the tragic event and the subsequent guilt, will allow for some of that Child's sunlight to filter into those dark spaces adn warm them. I am not saying that 7.5 years later I am who I was before Eri died, nope, never going to happen, but I am someone I like, I am someone that feels a purpose in each day which is a great gift. Most important to my spirit, I am someone that I think or hope that Eri is proud of. She would hate it if I did not find ways to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, or hate it if she could not hear my laughter. Hers rings in my heart and in my memories. Yes, I cry, I cry whenever the mood hits, allowing those tears as they are as natural as the sunlight, but I laugh too, I laugh and I look at photos and I am whole again, but with cracks where the stories are, the scar tissue of our lives.

Love to you Sweet Woman

Sus, I am passing my valentines out on Monday as well, after all, it is the real Valentines Day.

Crystal, three cheers for you adn Dave to work so hard to represent and honor your GIRL.

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - I think it's important for others to see your raw pain, as personal and intimate as it is. This is what happens when you "play" with guns. Hugs to you.

Morgan's mom - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. The conflicting emotions you describe are normal for us. Going through a divorce is difficult enough, by itself, and then to add this horrible loss on top of it would be is incomprehensible. My heart goes out to you. My name is Susannah. I live in Casper Wyoming. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed on August 9, 2009 in an ATV accident. She left behind three young children which my husband and I legally adopted and are raising. At the time of Stephanie's death we were in the final stages of a civil trial against her exhusband and his girlfriend and the state. The ex and girlfriend had taken the children in Jan 2008...supposedly for icecream and would have them back in an hour...but, we they never returned or called. For over a year we didn't know where the kids were. In Feb, 2009 we were contacted by the state that they had the children. They had been severely abused (physically and sexually) by the girlfriend. The children were placed with us. While this was happening, Stephanie put herself in an 8 month drug rehab in Iowa. She had 4 more months to go when we got the kids. The ex and girlfriend denied the charges against them and claimed the state took the children without cause. They blamed the sexual abuse on me, my husband and my daughter. They blamed the beatings on the three different schools. The girlfriend called all the shots in their lives and when she allowed them to go to school, she made them go to different schools. As it turned out, our oldest grandchild was in the school just down the street from us for two months before we got them. All that time we didn't know where they were and Mariah was in the school down the street. The police, DA and family services quickly absolved us of any of the accusations the ex and girlfriend made because we didn't have contact with the children. Stephanie was absolved because she wasn't even in the same state. I can't tell you how angry I was with my daughter when we found out what her children had lived through. I blamed her for all of it. If it hadn't been for her drug addiction and choices her children would have never been put in that position in the first place. However, Stephanie was busy growing and working on becoming the mother she wanted to be. She took responsibility for her actions and was on her way to becoming a mature, responsible adult. She finished her rehab and came home to fight for her children.

She was home for six weeks before she died. Six weeks. Her children had lived through hell for over a year, not to mention the hell they lived through with her drug addiction before that year, they get their mother back for six weeks and she dies in a freak accident.

At the time of her death we were in the final stages of the civil trial and the criminal proceedings were just beginning. I was called to testify five days after my daughter's memorial service (we had her cremated). The judge would rule in favor of the state....which just means family services were right in their assesment to remove the children from their home. By then the girlfriend had been charged with 2 felony counts child abuse and 1 count 2nd degree sexual assault (intrusion). She was making her appearances in court in the blue jump suit, cuffs, chains and shackles. After being found guilty in the civil trial, she reached a plea agreement in the criminal trial and then we didn't have to go to trial and the kids didn't have to testify. (They each had to testify against her in the civil trial. They had to face the accused as their father sat beside her, in court, and tell the judge what happened to them).

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this in such detail except to tell you my daughter wasn't allowed on our property (per the state's dictates). We were the kid's foster parents and Stephanie had to prove herself to the state before she could have unsupervised contact with her children again. My daughter came home from rehab and lived in transitional housing for homeless women. Twice a week we met at the park with the case worker for the kids so she could play with her children for an hour and a half. Twice a week. The week before she died she asked me if we could just "hang" the next Wednesday. She had the day off (from Burger King) and wanted to spend time with her mom. I just looked at her..."I never get a day off, Steph." I said. I had to get her kids off to school, take them to counseling, do laundry, cook meals and then pick them up from school...and, she wanted to just "hang". Where? Hang where? She wasn't allowed in my home (not my choice) the homeless shelter didn't allow outside visitors. At the mall? Hang at the mall? Seriously? Obviously, I didn't "hang" with her that day. After Gary got home from work and dinner was ready I did pick Stephanie up and we "hung" at the cemetary right next to the shelter. Ironic, isn't it? Four days later she would be dead.

The day I brought her ashes home I held her on my lap and sobbed, "You're allowed in my home now, Baby."

We all have guilt and regret. However, if our children were still alive would we have done anything differently? If Stephanie had not had that accident that day she would have gotten her children back and we would be living our life, traveling and just being Grandma and Grandpa...and, watching Stephanie like a hawk! You, Morgan's mom, would be focusing on getting your life on track after a painful divorce.

We did the best we could with what we had. How could we know we wouldn't have another day? How could we know we wouldn't get another chance to tell them we love them or to tell them to get their act together?

We have been thrown into an alternate reality while everyone we know still lives in the same reality. I'm glad you have found us. But, I'm so sorry for the reason you are here.

Thanks for listening.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

PS - re how close we all seem.....It takes time to remember names...a long time. Some of the members here have had the pleasure of actually meeting each other. I haven't. I do enjoy the visits Colleen and I have on the phone. Funny incident last Thursday night at the school science night.

One of the people serving dinner I had never seen before. She looked SO familiar though. As I sat at the table it occured to me. She looked exactly like the pictures I have seen of Claudia. I knew Claudia was planning a trip to the states. Could it be? I walked up to the pretty woman and asked her name. Wasn't Claudia. I told her she reminded me of a friend who lives in Ecuador. I didn't add that I had never met her.....or how I knew her.

Just being here makes us family with each other. We are tied together with a painful, horrible bond that cannot be broken. Whether it's one day, one year or several.

[charsng1234]

Shanes MOM.. My son's girlfriend came in from phx last night. we went to talk to our lawyer yesterday. You know the funniest thing happened when we were leaving the lawyers office. we are finding out next week what she is having and a pink baloon blew by saying it's a girl.. I wonder if it was a sign. I made it through last night by the skin of my teeth.. was up till 12;30 praying that my sleeping pill would kick in so my mind would not go to the dark place. The place were I see my son running jumping into that man's yard. Standing there waiting to die than getting shot grabbing his head thinking what the heck than falling down.. I can see him still breathing watching my baby take his last few breaths wondering what just happened to me. I go through this every friday night/ saturday morning.. I am so sad today its just another day that my son is not here... miss shane so much when will my whole in my heart fill....

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - Dr William Petit (the man whose wife and two daughters were murdered) was asked if the guilty verdict and sentencing of his family killers helped bring him closure. I loved his response. In essence he said that whoever said there is closure is an idiot. What happens is when something like this happens a huge hole with jagged, razor sharp edges is made in your gut. In time the edges become dull and don't cut so deeply, but the hole always remains. We just learn how to live with the hole. Now I'm only 18 months out since my daughter died, but what he said makes sense to me. I am able to laugh again, which surprised me (and made me feel guilty). But, Stephanie's death is the background noise in my life now. I think Betsy was the one who said that...maybe it was Bonnie.

This horrible time you are in now will smooth over. Be patient and gentle with yourself. Dee, Sherry, Carol, Colleen and so many others gave me strength to face another minute, let alone another day.

One of the people who gave me courage and help those first few months was Beth. I don't think she's introduced herself since you all joined. I hope she won't mind me sharing a bit of her story. Her young son, 4 or 5, got ahold of their handgun and accidentally shot himself. I can't imagine what she and her husband live through each day. But there she was in the depth of her own grief, offering ME comfort and encouragement that I would feel the warmth of the sun again.

It took some time, but the sun did eventually warm my skin again.

You and Crystal are in the beginning of a journey I can't even fathom, but I do know the pain of our child being gone. Hang on to us, as Dee always says. Hang on.

Hugs to you.

[sadmomm]

Susannah Thanks for telling me your story. I am sitting here crying. It is as sad or sadder than MY own. Morgan did not have any children. Oh how I wish he'd of experienced that joy that i had the day he was born. I was about his age when I had him. Oh how that changed my life. He was very handsome. Very loving and outgoing. I think he had some sort of drug problem though I ignored it. What kills me is I had the power to spend more time with them if I had chozen to stay in MD. But I chose to move.And find something that wasn't..My daughter has found peace here. But how long will that last when she graduates from college and cant find a job.

Stephanie was having fun that day when she died. As Morgan was. He drowned in the lake right beside his home. I don't know what happened. Whether he slipped or walked on the ice. He was trapped with no help. No one to call. All alone to die. Tragically. alone. To my recollection I hadn't warned him of that lake. But he grew up on a farm with a pond and i can't imagine not warning him. then. The last time I saw him. Was skiing last December. He talked a mile a minute and I ignored him I was in my divorce stupor. What I wanted was a pleasant time. Just fun and good time... The time before that I think I drove him to southern MD to see friends. he wanted to see friends not me. the time before that i took him and his brother to the movies and asked him to come to KY for a week for we were making the trip back. in a week he didn't want to come and i didn't insist. He had called me just to hang also. and I think I denied him. Just was too lazy to make the hour and half drive. How I regret that. I have screamed. cried. waken up day after day after day in total sadness. I was so foolish to have thought I had forever. I never talked to him about death. Morgan was right about so much. And I was nothing but a fool. I am no longer a fool. But I am very sad. No one Nothing can replace him. Every person in this world reminds me of HIM...we can't fix this....Thanks for taking care of stephanies kids. She is thanking you also. In some ways it is a second chance. I know it is very hard. We had talked about moving to montana. we were just fools. it was hard enouph to move 11 hours away let alone twice that amount. So will we move back will we get divorced??? the next few weeks will tell about the divorce. I am just NUMB... I let my kid down and now I cannot fix it. i guess raising those three kids keeps you occupied. Morgan i love you. mom

Dee thanks for sharing. I am sorry I am so down. I have let life rule me instead of ruling life. I am putting my foot down. I want to do things with my kids. Cass is busy with her life here. As Lee is with his there. The councelors advice was act in your own best interest. I didn't do that. I counted on someone else. Not myself. It was a mistake. Now finding happiness is very hard. I am wining about nothing. I hope I can help others here. I feel very alone here in KY... Will try to go to church and get a job. My sewing job just isn't earning much these days. Carrie

[ericasmom]

Sus, well said, your story adn the ultimate message was very nicely put and I am sure helpful to all those new here, and to some of us oldtimers. Our stories are the pieces we have to rebuild from, and there is nothing easy about it. Carrie, you are not whining, you are sad, it pours forth because your heart is broken. One day you will make decisions for your own best but right now you don't know what that is. Be kind to yourself, the emotional rollercoaster that occurs with an impending relationship break is also huge. You are dealing with decision making while your world is upside down. I guess I would ask you if I were a counselor: is the relationship something you long to help repair? If not, I would say that the energy it takes to both mourn and repair relationships might not hold out. If the relationship is something the two of you want to work on, knowing that grief is not going to take a back seat, well then more power to you both. We are here, we know the ugly place it is when the world is inside out and out of sync. I promise it will begin to straighten in time, but time is needed, time adn energy to just allow your emotions to shake out. I am so sorry that Morgan died as he did. It isn't your fault Carrie, he would not want his Mom to take that on.

So tell us what you sew? I flunked sewing myself.

Sharon, how cool that the balloon drifted past you, I wonder...

[Guest msnher]

Carrie - Whining about nothing? This is definitely not "nothing". This is everything. The grief you are going through by losing your precious son, Morgan, will not be ignored. It will not take a back seat and let you figure out what you need to do. Your grief demands your attention. It is invasive at it's rawest, most ugly moment. It will rip you to shreds....but, if you allow it, it will also help you stand up again. Call it whining. But it is grief, my friend. Raw grief. This is the place to let it all out with no apologies. Yell. Scream. Cry. You are in survival mode now. Again, no apologies. Not here. We all get it.

[lolynbo]

HATE TO SEE NEW PPL ON HERE...HATE HATE HATE

TODAY IS SUNNY AND COOL BUT THE SNOW IS MELTING AND AFRAID TO GO TO KOURTNEYS KLOSET FOR THE 3RD FLOOD...BUT...

NASCAR STARTS TONIGHT SO THE BOYS AND I ARE GOING TO EAT FOR VDAY THEN RUSH HOME TO WATCH BUDWEISER SHOOT OUT...(YA WERE COUNTRY)...NO P90X TONIGHT JUST FOOD AND FAMILY..

KIMBERLY AND CODY MADE IT TO SAN DIEGO..FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS...SHE WANTS ME TO GO WITH HER IN MARCH TO PALM BEACH (FLYING) CONSIDERING IT...IT SHOULDNT COST ME ANYTHING (YA RIGHT SHOPPING PROB WITH HER)...BUT YAL NO I DONT FLY...BUT AS MARCIA SAID "DONT WASTE TIME I COULD HAVE SPENT WITH KIMMY"

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A BLESSED DAY...MISSING MY ANGEL....ITS KOURTNEYPALOOSA

[daveydow1]

Carrie---It takes a little time to get to know others and their stories here on BI, but when you keep coming back to

read/post, you will start to remember each one....little by little. I, along with Dee, have been here going on 8 yrs.,

and when I first came on BI after my son, Davey, was killed, I was a bit confused about who is who also. I made

myself a little 'cheat sheet' with names of the parent/relative , and the deceased child's name, and Angel Date.

My son, David, was killed in a terrible highway crash in June, 2003. A truckdriver of a semi was sleeping at the

wheel and hit a line of cars stopped in traffic on a freeway. His speed was at 55 mph --no braking.

My son was Life-Flighted to the nearest trauma center, but died in surgery within the hour. I also had a baby girl,

Lisa Kay, who died years ago due to accidental choking and resulting pneumonia. This site was reformatted several

months ago, but only one avatar can be put up, so I just have David's picture. I'm so sorry that you are having a very

hard time of it in KY. I know that sometimes there seems like just no one to talk to who will understand.....really understand....

your sorrow. I hope that you will continue to come to BI. Here, everyone understands. Peace to you, friend.

Carol-----RUDE phone calls....GRrrrrrrrrrr. That man was so rude, and of course, caught you off guard. I, also, had

a phone call from a lawyers office who identified itself as a collection agency. Since they had called me before, I

was ready for them (even though I had asked them not to call again ). I really didn't give her much time to talk. I

told her "I don't owe anyone any money !!! ", and "Why are you calling me "? From snippets of her speech, I gather

she was looking for someone, and was just making calls to people with the same last name to try to get info. Or, as

Dee said......it could be some sort of scam. The woman seemed terribly frustrated......whining....."I can't find the

person I want "......I told her I could not help her, and hung up. She caught me at a bad/busy time, and I was in no

mood to go round & round with someone on the phone whom I didn't know. I believe that a person must be very

very careful anymore.......when phone calls come in from people you don't know......so many scams going on. When

I worked at the library, we would get calls from the nearby prison.....asking us to take a Collect Call. (We always

refused).....but found out that the prisoners could somehow get to charge long-distance calls on someone else's

phone IF the party would accept the collect call. Not sure how that would work, but it was something they were

getting away with for some time. So....needless to say......phone calls from people I don't know usually don't get

answered or I hang up shortly. Hope they don't call you anymore.

Amy---Congrats to everyone on the birth of the new baby. I missed if it was a boy or girl. I loved the video of the

son "Borrowed Angels".....so nice.

Rhonda----Oh, friend. One year is still so early on....really. How could we be expected to 'get over' (as some say) the

death of a beloved child. ?? I say we will never 'get over it'. Other people put us on their timetable as to when &

how long we should grieve. They just can't know (unless it happened to them) how devastating it is. So, just be

kind to yourself, Rhonda. It's a long hard process, but little by little, we make some progress, and the pain softens.

As others here have said----sometimes you take a step forward , and then a couple steps back, then another step

or two forward. I'm glad that you found your way to BI.

Crystal----I hope that your t.v. interview went well, and it is good that you are advocating for gun control in FLA. Prayers.

Lorri----The billboard for Kourtney is lovely. Also, the pic of your sweet Kourtney as a baby is just precious.

Dee-----More SNOW this a.m.......2 more inches. We're standing at 93 inches for this winter. Man, am I ever tired of the white stuff.

Lovely to look at out the window......no fun trying to walk or drive in it. . Lane had to be plowed again due to drifting.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

[daveydow1]

Carrie---It takes a little time to get to know others and their stories here on BI, but when you keep coming back to

read/post, you will start to remember each one....little by little. I, along with Dee, have been here going on 8 yrs.,

and when I first came on BI after my son, Davey, was killed, I was a bit confused about who is who also. I made

myself a little 'cheat sheet' with names of the parent/relative , and the deceased child's name, and Angel Date.

My son, David, was killed in a terrible highway crash in June, 2003. A truckdriver of a semi was sleeping at the

wheel and hit a line of cars stopped in traffic on a freeway. His speed was at 55 mph --no braking.

My son was Life-Flighted to the nearest trauma center, but died in surgery within the hour. I also had a baby girl,

Lisa Kay, who died years ago due to accidental choking and resulting pneumonia. This site was reformatted several

months ago, but only one avatar can be put up, so I just have David's picture. I'm so sorry that you are having a very

hard time of it in KY. I know that sometimes there seems like just no one to talk to who will understand.....really understand....

your sorrow. I hope that you will continue to come to BI. Here, everyone understands. Peace to you, friend.

Carol-----RUDE phone calls....GRrrrrrrrrrr. That man was so rude, and of course, caught you off guard. I, also, had

a phone call from a lawyers office who identified itself as a collection agency. Since they had called me before, I

was ready for them (even though I had asked them not to call again ). I really didn't give her much time to talk. I

told her "I don't owe anyone any money !!! ", and "Why are you calling me "? From snippets of her speech, I gather

she was looking for someone, and was just making calls to people with the same last name to try to get info. Or, as

Dee said......it could be some sort of scam. The woman seemed terribly frustrated......whining....."I can't find the

person I want "......I told her I could not help her, and hung up. She caught me at a bad/busy time, and I was in no

mood to go round & round with someone on the phone whom I didn't know. I believe that a person must be very

very careful anymore.......when phone calls come in from people you don't know......so many scams going on. When

I worked at the library, we would get calls from the nearby prison.....asking us to take a Collect Call. (We always

refused).....but found out that the prisoners could somehow get to charge long-distance calls on someone else's

phone IF the party would accept the collect call. Not sure how that would work, but it was something they were

getting away with for some time. So....needless to say......phone calls from people I don't know usually don't get

answered or I hang up shortly. Hope they don't call you anymore.

Amy---Congrats to everyone on the birth of the new baby. I missed if it was a boy or girl. I loved the video of the

son "Borrowed Angels".....so nice.

Rhonda----Oh, friend. One year is still so early on....really. How could we be expected to 'get over' (as some say) the

death of a beloved child. ?? I say we will never 'get over it'. Other people put us on their timetable as to when &

how long we should grieve. They just can't know (unless it happened to them) how devastating it is. So, just be

kind to yourself, Rhonda. It's a long hard process, but little by little, we make some progress, and the pain softens.

As others here have said----sometimes you take a step forward , and then a couple steps back, then another step

or two forward. I'm glad that you found your way to BI.

Crystal----I hope that your t.v. interview went well, and it is good that you are advocating for gun control in FLA. Prayers.

Lorri----The billboard for Kourtney is lovely. Also, the pic of your sweet Kourtney as a baby is just precious.

Dee-----More SNOW this a.m.......2 more inches. We're standing at 93 inches for this winter. Man, am I ever tired of the white stuff.

Lovely to look at out the window......no fun trying to walk or drive in it. . Lane had to be plowed again due to drifting.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

[sadmomm]

Hi Dee I sew wicker furniture cushions for a company in MD. I brought the job when I moved to KY. I can also sew car interiors andboats and covers. I used to sew clothes dresses and blouses. and even a few suits the lapels were very hard. I haven't really advertised here. There were house boat manufacturers here but most all have gone under with the economy there is a lake. so there are boats and a car show. I used to sew boat interiors for a lady in annapolis MD we sewed the hinkley boat and the beneteau which is a sail boat in velvet. I worked for a lady who did upholstery and drapes so I learned a lot of that also.

Morgan was very outgoing and I guess fearless. He had traveled to california several times over the last years... sitting in the redwoods meeting all kinds of people. His father passed out trees at his funeral. I have two had three and am worried they will die. they are in pots and don't know if they can't stand this freezing. perhaps we can set them down in the ground. I know winter is about over.

I don't like t tell people what happened. I feel Morgan would not like that. But I know if I had been the one to die he would have to tell people what happened. I feel lucky they both didn't die in there. I can't imagine how it happened after all these years. they had lived there since he was about 5.All the what if's If I had put a life jacket in his closet with danger written on it. I think we are all so stupid thinking they know things.. what if I hadn't moved and he had come to my house insead of going down there. Nothing will help but my mind still works on it for some reason. I tell myself Morgan wasn't supposed to die.

I told Morgans dad i thought it was my fault he said if anybodys fault it was Morgans fault. I also said why did he do this. They said he didn't do it it happened to himIt wasn't really anybodys fault. He went there. It was a mistake. My husband said Morgan is smiling at you. I said dead people don't smile. I think of it all the time when i look at tv. when we go out.

My relationship is wierd. We are both weird. But I know that we are and that is half the battle.i've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i believe them but what isone to do. the medicine makes you zombiefied with no emotion... I haven't had a high for a long time. Just down and rightly so. But I think the repetitive thinking is just wearing me down. i have horses and they are what really moved me. But I have lost my zest for that also. the divorce is a lot abou money and control and unhappiness and not doing things with the kids. We talked a bunch of crap when we moved here about having a vacation with the kids every year but it never happened. My husband has a character flaw. a lot of people do. when you talk to him about something important he twists it back to you. I read about it on the computer. i have called him on it and i think he is working on it. But i have just given up. whatever happens happens. I made some terrible choices when we moved here. I have made choices all through my life. Just sometimes **** hits hard and it has... I will be ok carrie

[charsng1234]

Carrie I am so sorry about your loss. I to go through guilt of saying something to my son before he passed. I also thought I would have more time. We all do!!! I think also I Fell I could have done more to save him.. I keep going over the why's and what if's. saturdays at 1:30 am is so hard for me. I also know of the darkness that can take over the lonelines your feel. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled. But just keep coming here your not alone, It helps me minute by minute/ day by day. I hope all will have a blessed night.. Shanes mom... Sharon.

[nicksdad]

Lynn....I am so sorry I missed Kayla's day....I was out of state due to my mother fell and is in the hospital and I just got back in town.....

[Guest msnher]

I just had the weirdest exerience. A first in the last 18 months. I checked on facebook because it's my social life of choice these days and there was a response from someone named Stephanie on my other grandchild's wall. I actually FORGOT that my daughter was dead for an ion of a second and thought she had posted something. It wasn't a sad experience, which was also a surprise. As soon as I realized my mistake I expected that pain that sucks the breath out of us, but instead I got a little giggle out of it. "Oh, wait. That can't be MY Stephanie."

[lostwoher]

Dan, no apology needed. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you do.

Wishing your Mom a speedy recovery. Will she be in the hospital long?

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - just stopping to say hello and let you know I am thinking of you all.

Tavian is now "9 years old" !! His birthday was yesterday and we had a good day.....we spent it alone, just the 3 of us. He opened his presents and then we were going to go out for a birthday dinner but he decided he wanted to stay home and order in chinese so we did. We hung out and watched movies and before I knew it he was sound asleep on the couch.....Love that little boy.

I have been pretty good the last couple of days but the 18th is coming at me - I am trying to be strong. We are going to the cemetery on Friday...not sure if I will do balloons or what.....doesn't seem like the thing to do on her Angelversary. I found some butterfly solar lights so I think I will put a couple there. I just want to bring her back to us - how many times do we say that to ourselves, no matter how many years go by I believe I will always say I want her back.

I want to get back here and catch up with all and I pray that will be soon, until then I am here reading and loving all of you. Peace and love, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Yes Sus, that does happen now and again.

Dan, how is your Mom doing? Did she break anything?

Carrie, I sure wish you well, you have a lot on your plate. The repetition is very hard to deal with. I think we all do it, trying to rework the event in some way to turn out differently, but I also think that it is in some ways, the way we learn that it is real, that we cannot change it. Guilt is very hard to work through, all of this is, but I think that you will do it Carrie, I think that you will find your way. I know the meds for bipolar are difficult, I sure wish that they would find ways to help those who are bipolar with better medicines and therapies. We all made mistakes Carrie, and for a long while I wondered that if I had never sold my home, (just 3 miles away) and remarried, would Eri have moved to Michigan? Probably but When I finally quit wondering that, basically because I will never know the answer to this since it is hypothetical, I moved forward a step. I can't know this stuff, it is unknowable. Instead I restate what I do know, and somehow that list lets me see the people and activities in my life that are good and strong in my heart. Erica will always be right there with her Brother Jon in the front of my heart and soul.

I am so in awe of your skill at sewing. WOw, you sew difficult materials and everything. That is a talent and perhaps one that will help you down the road.

Peace out all, Lor have fun with the races adn I will hope for no more flooding for you.

night

[charsng1234]

I had something happen I am not sure what it was. I had to go to target and I dont like it there because thats were we bought shanes clothes for the funeral I was crying and so sad.., My husband showed up at target and was there for support... When I left target I got in my car and spelled that same smell from my son when he was in the casket. The embalming fluid it was so strong I ran in and told my husband to come in smell my car. He said SHANE!. I cried all over again and sat in my car and talked to him for awhile. its funny I could not handle the smell when we were at his funeral but now it gave me a piece of mind. I could not get enough of that smell. I miss him so much It is driving me crazie.... I want him to come home and wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be alright.. Night all Shanes mom...

[mikesmum]

Sharon - To hear their voice, that 'whatcha doing', feel the closeness, that warmth of the 'bear hug'. Just to have that connection is a longing I don't think will ever leave me.

Carol - The overdue caller. You probably need to make the experience a 'learning curve' for the one calling. Articulate from a place of knowing the fact that this person was rude crude ill informed and a blight on the company. Maybe offer the need for retraining...

Dee - Working through guilt is like wading through quicksand. Those days when we are strongest and focussed we are able to make it through. Others we are taken down. If only's. If only I had embraced Amanda, would it have made a difference. If Mike had been identified as addicted to his pain mangement regime could he have turned it around. I will never know. If I had never left his bio dad....it goes on and on.

We did the best we could with what we had. How could we know we wouldn't have another day? How could we know we wouldn't get another chance to tell them we love them or to tell them to get their act together?

That's just it, we didn't. Do we do things differently now....probably out of a fear of losing what we still have. It doesn't mean we did it wrong before we are more acutely aware now.

Kathy - So glad Tavian had a good birthday. I know how hard these next days will be on you all. Holding you close, will walk the beach with you when I get back.

Newbie - We seem so comfortable I guess because the 'alternate' world is uncomfortable for us. While knowning each others names takes time, seeing our childrens faces, we identify quickly. I have been here for just under 4yrs. Lost in the night I found this place by accident. I wonder now if my son Micheal didn't lead me here. I read for sometime before being brave enough to put into words what I was thinking and feeling. Here it was something everyone knew about in one way or another. I can talk about Micheal and his siblings without anyone 'putting upon' me their concept of how to grief.

Lynn - What a wonderful gift even if it came through a messenger. To hear she's okay, something we all want to hear and have to believe. Love her smiling face.

Sherry - Wish they could let you load two pics, Davey and Lisa. I don't know how you handle losing two children. I remember you told us about the accident that took Davey, was the driver charged or jailed?

Spoke with youngest today about Jeya's comments on Zak's injury. He told me she makes comments like that anytime someone injures themselves. She hugs him and makes him promise that he won't die like Mike did. She doesn't do it with a deperation, more matter of fact.

Today is the 31st angelversary for my dad. He died in recovery after heart bypass surgery. I was 25, recently divorced and miss him more than I can say, even now. One thing that eased my heart when Mike died was knowing that my dad was there when Mike realised he had left. Don't ask me how, I just knew it.

On a lighter note, this pic is of Sir MD and I. It was taken in a florists shop here in the hills. They were doing a Valentines promotion. The fee $5 was donated to the flood relief. Love that puppy.

[ericasmom]

Hey Trudi, that photo shows me a beautiful woman and her trusty and trusting friend. You look great Sister. Prayers for healing from all the flooding your part of the world has seen. How nice that fund raising is going on all over the place. Lovely spot you were in.

Going to the gym with Shannon, talk later.

Love ya all

[Guest msnher]

Morning!

Dan, I hope your mother is well.

Sharon, I've read that familiar smells are a way "they" communicate with us. A gift from your son.

Trudi, I love the picture of you and Muttley in the flower shop. I like what you said about it doesn't mean we did it wrong before. Sometimes I find myself second guessing all my decisions, now, out of fear something will happen and I'll feel that horrible guilt again. My solution for that has been to isolate.

I think it's time for me to rejoin the human race, but I'm not ready to do it very quickly. I go to my meetings about twice a week (I used to go at least once a day). I have also been making myself make at least one phone call a week to one friend to just "talk". That happened quite by accident. I called a friend and as we were talking I found myself out of bed, making the bed, doing the dishes, dusting the furniture...anything I could do while holding the phone. Over an hour later, I felt invigorated and glad that I was able to get so much done. Anyway....I'm trying to reach out again. I'm on BI all the time, but I've hidden from my face to face friends. I'm an extrovert and have always loved clothes, hair, makeup, parties, riding motorcycles, just playing. And, I made everything play...even cleaning.

I have to find out who I am NOW. I'm just not sure. I'm not sure what I like to do. Well, I know I like to sleep. I think part of the problem is I'm trying to be the woman I once was and that will never happen...and, I had just become comfortable with who I was. Now, at age 52 I'm trying to find out who I am again. I placed so much importance on my looks before. I was the size 2 - 4 blond, blue eyed, loved everybody, but would kick a$$ in a heartbeat, intelligent, fun woman. I called myself a spiritual seeker. Now I'm a size 12, wrinkled, sarcastic, cynical, lazy, why bother, has to rest for days after spending a few hours among human beings woman.

Well, that's more information that I planned on sharing. I get to know myself as I see what I write appear on my laptop. Sometimes I think it's all B.S. Sometimes I think I'm profound. All the time it's revealing about ME.

Oh, where was I? Kathy, I pray whatever you decide to do on Jessica's angelversary be comforting for you!

Leah, where are you?

[westleysmom]

Carrie-So sorry for all the sadness and loss you are having. I'm in TN near Ft Campbell KY. Is that close to you? You are not to blame for Morgan's accident, its just human nature to try to find somebody to blame, and if you can't, to blame yourself. At least its my human nature, so I'm speaking from experience here. Your sewing skills are impressive, I flunked sewing too. I can hem pants and sew on a button, if you don't mind looking like a 6 year old is your tailor.

Susannah-You sound so much like me, except I was never a 2-4 or blond. I told my friend Susan in a letter that I didn't know what my purpose was anymore. We have talked about that a lot. She's reading some books about a bunch of women in various stages of menopause called the Hot Flash Club or something. She and I were both going to have to deal with letting go of our babies since they were 19 and 20, and going through that time was so trying. Then, poof, they're both gone, in the blink of an eye. We don't have to fight with them anymore, but we can never see them or hear their voice again. We can't help them find apartments or pick out things for it, nothing. Just clothes to bury them in and flowers for the pall and a headstone. And we're done being Mamas to them, so what the hell do we do now? So anyway, I know exactly what you're talking about, except I'm not exhausted from having 3 kids around depending on me for everything. You are doing such a good job with them, and Stephanie is so proud of you for it.

Trudi-Love the picture with you and Muttley. Looks so summery there, hope your weather is nice when you get back to the beach.

Crystal-Keep up the good work. Ashley is proud of you too. I hope I didn't misspell her name.

Dan-Get well wishes to your Mom too.

[lolynbo]

LIFE IS SO SAD....A 40 YR OLD MAN WALKED INTO OUR WALMART WENT TO THE MENS BATHROOM. AND SHOT HIMSELF IN THE HEAD....HE DIDNT DIE RIGHT THEN..HE DIED IN ROUTE ON THE MED FLIGHT...THEY TURNED AROUND IN FLIGHT BACK TO OUR LOCAL HOSP....HE TO THIS DAY 4 DAYS LATER IS STILL UNIDENTIFIED...HE HAD NO ID AT ALL ON HIM...

DEE YES I PRAY WE HAVE NO MORE FLOODING...I HAVE NOT WENT BACK SINCE THE SNOW HAS MELTED AGAIN...GEEZ

NASCAR STARTS NEXT WEEK...KOURTNEYS KLOSET WILL BE ON THE DRIVERS POST OF THE LOCAL NASCAR TRUCK...LOOK FOR IT...

[shorty16]

Lorri – Sure hope the flooding was not too bad and that water was the only liquid in Kourtney’s Kloset. We too had flooding in our basement – about 4”, all clean rain water. It took us months to get everything cleaned and we have to remove a wall because of mold. Hope your’s is not that bad!!!!

Rhonda – You live in TN? Scott’s sister and her family like in Brentwood. He is a Dr. at an area hospital. They love the area. Rolling hills and they also like the schools. Small World

So Indigos, Yesterday was SUNNY and I loved it. We finally got our trend-mill working and I am enjoying using it. I watch “Cash Cab” – I love that show.

SO – The company I work for had a bowling outing yesterday. 150 bowlers. They gave prices for top 10 bowlers and worst bowler. I won the prize for worst bowler. I had a score of 315 for 3 games with a 120 handicap. So – I suck at bowling – I had a lot of fun. The prize was an old bowling pin with my score and the date. TOO FUNNY

Kathy - At bowling yesterday, there was a 7 year old boy named Tavian. We talked and he was such a nice young man – could not help but think how nice your grandson must be also. We were there for over 4 hours and he behaved so nicely. Granted – we gave him money to play games, but only $5. I am a grandma–wanna-be so I have to live it when I have the chance and being a wanna-be yesterday was fun.

Hello Dee and Trudi!! So good to see the faces of your children. Dee – I bet you also enjoyed the sun in the morning yesterday. So beautiful today, but overcast.

Love to you all

Dan, Marcia, Leah, Sharon, Trudi, Shane’s Mom, Bonnie, Greg, many more

Colleen, Brian’s Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Thinking of you all on this Sunday... I pray you have a restful, peaceful day.

[sadmomm]

Hi Rhonda.. Well Tennessee is close but I don't know where fort campbell is. have to look it up. It has been a tough three or four months. Getting on here has been helpful. Sounds like a lot of us are redefining our lives. I sure am. I am glad my other two kids are doing ok. Seem to be doing great. Morgan left us so abruptly. I did fail him. Looking back on it all. Wishes don't come true for us now. It doesn''t seem to go out of my mind. We did go to church today a new church with some really nice people. I did enjoy it.

Susannah.. wow size 2-4 sounds like my daughter. Yes being this age is different. Have you always lived in Wyonming? It is a beautiful state isn't it? Ky is quite pretty. MD was quite built up. I had a family farm there Morgan loved the pond. Big large mouth bass. They still kept a small parcel and Morgan was there a good bit. I may try to go for his birthday in March. It is so sad to go anywhere. He was such a unique person with so much to say a philosopher.

Dee have you been a school teacher your whole life? I enjoyed taking my kids to school. I homeschooled morgan for a while. There was a church group that you paid and that helped. Then I let him move to his dads at 15... Well I made him like an ass...He started smoking pot and i was paying for private school and they always talked about going there. He graduated up there almost didn't but i helped him take night classes he was almost done. He had a good time partying up at his dads. But his very bet friend was down my way.

Indigos: I hope all of you find some peace. My mind won't ease up on me yet. So much guilt. So much loss. Forever loss...I can't fathom a life without my son. But I have one. Thanks for including me in your group.

[sadmomm]

can you help me figure out how to use the color and how to get the photo to load

[charsng1234]

today is a bad day..found one of shanes shirts. It smells like him.. Can't do this today.. Why did that man have to kill my son. I will never understand how selfish some ppl can be..To take a life that person destroyed many lives in one second.. Need help cant do this today,

[Guest msnher]

Hang on, Sharon. I said those same words, "I can't do this." This is a bad day for you. I pray you find some comfort...

Carrie - I've lived in Wyoming for 28 yrs. I grew up in Southern Nevada...and Southern California. Mostly Las Vegas. I love Wyoming now, but hated it when I moved here. I wasn't used to being so cold...

I think all of us here are walking through the valley of the shadow of death. We are living in the shadow of our child's death. Our lives don't "flash" before our eyes...they linger in still, oversized prints with the words "GUILTY!" stamped across each picture. It must be normal for us to do because we've all done it (and still do). I'm grateful I don't believe our children had to endure the same kind of judgment with our Creator as we do with ourselves. Their lives passed before their eyes and they received the stamp of "ACCEPTED" "LOVED" "JOY" etc.

A psychic told me that Stephanie told her death was beautiful. It's not death at all. For us, it's pure hell! How can it be any different? They are our children.

Love and hugs to you both!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[nicksdad]

My mother blacked out and collapsed and fractured her are in two places, and hit her head. She still is too dizzy to stand and walk and they are not sure why as

of yet. They have done mri's and catscans and are now trying to figure if it's her heart med's. Hopefully soon they will get it under control.

[mikesmum]

Dan - Its so hard. They fall, they fracture and their fragility and mortality becomes so real. Hope its something simple like a med readjustment. Thinking of you and your family.

Dee - Ahh the gym. Pass. Walking MD is the best I'm up for. But hey its more than I was up for a year ago.

Colleen - We did a family bowling for my last birthday. Don't know my score, just know that I was beaten by the then 3 Jeya, Em and of course Zak.....

today is a bad day..found one of shanes shirts. It smells like him.. Can't do this today

For the first 2 and a half years those words "I can't do this" were like a mantra. I would find music on my computer that I didn't put there, cards that Mike had kept from us all those years, a picture....I would die again all over. Hold tight to that shirt....many here will tell you they still hold onto their child's essence from a shirt, a perfume. Its okay....its how we survive.

I have to find out who I am NOW. I'm just not sure. I'm not sure what I like to do. Well, I know I like to sleep. I think part of the problem is I'm trying to be the woman I once was and that will never happen...and, I had just become comfortable with who I was.

This was on a T Shirt Melissa was wearing a week ago when I dropped the grandies off

"Who I was is not who I am".......

Sus - I had reach my 'pinnicle'. After a number of years I had the job I loved doing what I did best. I had three kids who were 'getting there'. I had 5 grandies that made my life simple again. I had met a man after 15yrs of being alone. My health and weight were finally coming together. I had lost my mum, but for me that loss was part of the cycle. Life excited me. I loved travel, photography, words....then as if someone put me in a dark locked box it seemed to be all gone.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone said ~ Oh I wish I could just walk away from work and do nothing or my favourite... Its your time now, you can do anything you want.....

Now with that saying in mind I guess I mourn the loss of Trudi pre 2007. I am tentatively seeking Trudi post 07 and somethings are returning. The photography, the words and now a creative interest that I never had before.

My study is something I returned to each time I wanted to change direction pre 2007. Maybe its a start....

Cloudy today, good day for long walks.

[ericasmom]

How true Trudi, holding onto something that holds the essence of our Baby-Lost does help and I say that in myoffice that is filled with ERi things, photos, prayers that folks sent, angel statures,(small) and her favorite stuffed animal, a beagle missing his little nose. She named him, ready for this? Ruff-Spot-Paw. We laughed so hard when she named him, we had watched Dances with Wolves and figured she sought out a native kind of name. I put that doggie right next to her head on the morning of the first day of first grade. She opened her eyes adn hugged him and said, "ruff-spot-paw." So I have things that are of ERI all around me, and they all make me happy but on those days where the bitter is stronger than the sweet, it all also makes me cry.

Sharon, hang on even when you wonder: What for? We need to wait it out, the constant barrage of extreme pain, wait it out and hang on as though on a raft in a storm. We are here adn while we cannot make the ache go anywhere, we can share it with you so that you are not all alone with it. We are here because others helped us through the days and long nights when these first months were ours. I promise that you will see the sun again, and want to do things again.

Rhonda, I know that we imagine our lives one way and are stunned by the tragic circumstances that bring us here. I remember going shopping for clothes for my Girl to wear to her funeral too, and I did not want anyone to go with me, I needed to go alone, take her with me. I stood at the GAP looking for a casual shirt to go with the skirt I had purchased for ERi while she was alive, in fact the day she was hit was the day I bought it. I told her about it on the phone that evening adn she asked if I could send it to her, she was excited because she liked summer skirts and it was pink. SO I stood there and a young man asked if he could help me. He must have been the same age as Erica, looked it anyhow, and I said that I needed a pink or burgandy shirt to go with a skirt that I had in a bag. He said, oh that is pretty, let's see, what size do you need. Shall I set up a dressing room for you? All of a sudden when saying size medium, i began to cry, just tears and stinging in my eyes, poor boy did not know what to do. I said, no I am buying this for someone else thanks, and I paid and left in a hurry. I went back to the store a few weeks later adn found the young man, and I thanked him for his help and explained my tears, which of course began to fall again, and just said, you never know why folks are shopping sometimes, and that I appreciated his kindness. He hugged me and wished me well.

Lorri, good luck honey.

Col, I am right there with you with that bowling award.

Kathy, happy birthday to TAVIAN. Iknow the days ahead look bleak, but hang tight, we are all here adn our angels are all with Jess.

Sus, finding out who you are now is important but cannot be rushed. I was lucky, teaching was me before and gratefully, was still what made me smile after Eri died. Finding the new parts of life that fit into the puzzle that we are is an adventure some days, and depressing on other days but eventually, you find your new pieces. I found that the walks I did before ERi died were still an essential part of my everyday, they have always been my way of staying tuned into my spirit and nature.

Carrie, I have been teaching elementary school for 17 years now, which amazes me because there are times that I feel I just began. I came to teaching late because I did not get my degree until I was 38.

I made a key-lime pie today for Shannon's (my future daughter in law) birthday. She and Jon will come to dinner at around 6:00 and I am making beef stroganoff. I never made a key-lime before, it was fun. I hope it tastes as fun as it was to make.

NICK, prayers are being said for your Mom, that she heal and feel better each day.

[kmb22]

Edit

[summergirl]

Dan - prayers for your mom and your family.

I cannot believe you met a little boy named Tavian - that is so neat as everyone always asks me about his name as it is so unusual...I love it....

I woke up this morning and my mind went right to "what was I doing 5 years ago today ??" I could not remember...were we home, were we at the funeral home making "choices" ?? It brought me to my knees, fighting the maddness, screams, tears.... Then the fear washed over me - is it possible for the mind to block everything out because you cannot take the pain of remembering and does that mean I am going to forget the sound of her laughter, her voice, her smell, her touch, the way she lit up a room, her love for life and being a mommy - the tidal wave is upon me and I am trying hard to swim through it without drowning...... I CAN DO THIS SWEET JESS, I CAN DO THIS......

[aim630]

Kathy-Thinking about you this week. Somehow I think we need to black out the bad stuff, and remember the good stuff. This is so unfair-I wish none of us had to go through this. I hope the thought of Jessica's sweet smile and knowing she was a good mommy to Tavian can comfort you & help you get through these next few days.

Dan-Hoping the doctors have some answers for you and your mom soon, and hoping they just need to adjust her medications.

Karen-Sorry you are having a difficult day today, but I'm glad you are able to write and share your feelings with us. I'm sorry Shawn's wife took over his funeral and treated you like an outsider. I just don't understand selfish people like that. Sending hugs your way.

Went to visit the new grand-baby Sofia today. She is so tiny and sweet. Her brother Colten is only 19 months, but he is a pretty good-natured and happy little boy. It is hard knowing Ashley never got a chance to have her own children, but she always told me she was never going to have children anyway. She had finally found a great guy that I wouldn't have minded if she did have children with. I need to send her boyfriend's mom a card. I bought the card about a month ago, but just have not been able to sit down & write anything.

Tomorrow, again, I'm restarting my diet. Never seem to get past a day. I used to be size 2-4 also, but that was many years ago before Katie was born. Since then, I just seem to gain more weight every year. I was exercising every day an lost about 30 lbs after my dad died, but I just have not had any energy the past year. It has warmed up a little bit-mid 30's to 40's, so I need to quit using the cold as an excuse.

Just feel really down today, so I don't have anything else I can say. Thinking of all of you.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[lolynbo]

DAN PRAYERS FOR YOUR MOMMA...I PRAY SHES OK

HUGGS MY FRIEND THAT YOUR SWEET SONS LIFE WAS TAKEN BY A SELFISH PERSON......I DONT NO THE WHOLE (HATE TO CALL IT A STORY) BECAUSE OUR KIDS ARE NOT STORIES...BUT (WHAT I MEAN TO SAY) I DONT NO WHAT YOU WENT THREW OR WHAT HAPPENED....HUGGS..

[shorty16]

Karen

You are not rambling. I read your entire post. My son was not married - Brian was only 16 when he died. Did your son have any children? If so, a relationship with his wife is even more important. If he did not - I guess it is up to you. Lay low for a while and work on your grief path. Lord knows we all need help.

Love to you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Karen: I am so sorry that you are having such difficulties...it is just so unfair when someone else can come into your life and disrupt everything you've been building for years just by how they act and manipulate. I am so sorry that Shawn's brother seems to think he needs to form an alliance with her. Sending out hugs to you, and prayers for some peace. We had problems with Sarah, Mike's wife, but mostly because she was from very different circumstances than we had and it seemed to distance her, and also because Mike and I were always very close, and it was only a short time after they were married that Mike was diagnosed (and they had been living with us for quite a while before moving into their own apt). So the beginning of the change in our (Mike's and mine) relationship to allow for his new life came to a screeching halt and it was truly resented by his wife. And there was much that she was upset about that she had a right to be upset about. But we all (including her) tried to walk a fine line for Mike's sake and we managed most times. Things are so much better now, but it was pretty ugly at times for a while. I was bossy and of course it didn't sit well (which, when I was bossy, she was justified most of the time in feeling upset about)...I did truly try, but it was very difficult once we were told that Mike was dying. While we are not "best friends" and likely never will be, she and I do get along now, and I couldn't ask for a better mommy for Damon (which I try to tell her often).

Sharon: Hold on, hold on. We are here. We can't be with you in person, and that is unfortunate, but we are here to listen. We know that some days are seemingly impossible. You are so new to this, and it is going to be really rough, but it will get softer, more manageable. The pit is always there, but it gets so there are many days we are able to walk around it. We will help to show you the way. I have reached a point where the "smells" can often make me smile in thanksgiving, but still there are times when it will bring me to my knees. I have one shirt that happened to be in a plastic bag, sealed, and when I open it I can still smell him. And sometimes, the smell of sandalwood, which is what he wore, will waft across my face, from nowhere, and depending on my mood, I will smile or cry, or sometimes both. They are gifts, Sharon, and one day you will be able to see them as such. Trust us, you will.

Kathy: I am so sorry that this angelversary is causing such turmoil in your heart. You are in my prayers for peace-filled moments to sooth your heart. I am glad you have Tavian to provide comfort and give you the love he carries with him...the love that extends straight out from your sweet Jess.

Colleen: It sounds like you had a really good time bowling. I haven't bowled in years, and never was very good at it, but always had fun.

Dan: I hope the doctors are able to help your mom get back to her previous state before she fell. It is going to take a while, but she is in my prayers for healing. Do keep us posted.

Amy, so sorry you are feeling down today. I am glad that you got to visit with Sofia...that baby smell can often bring smiles we never knew we had. Good luck with the diet.

Dee: I hope you had fun with Jon and Shannon tonight...I am sure they enjoyed your Key Lime pie. I've never made one, but have tasted them and they are good. I am so glad that Jon is doing better, but I know taht the worry is always there. that was so kind of you to return to the store to comfort the young man who helped you with Eri's blouse. Once again, you spread the love you give and showed how to be a comforter to a stranger. Eri smiles at you...

Trudi: You've done so much to move yourself forward, though the times of being pulled back can come up like a weed in the grass on a hot summer day. I know that you've enjoyed your calligraphy, and I know that Micheal is proud of you for all that you do.

I forget now who it was that asked about how to add color to the post. (I think it was Morgan's mom) You have to type the word(s) first, then highlight them, then go up to the top of the page, next to where it says "sizes" and you will see a little paintbrush. click on the brush and it will bring up the colors. you can select what you want those words to be colored. If you want to "bold" them, keep the word(s) highlighted, and click on the B, then click anywhere on the page, and the highlight will go away and the color and the bolding will show. As for posting the avatar, that was luck for me...perhaps someone else could explain that for you.

Been busy, but I don't know what with...sounds weird, doesn't it. I am in a state of not knowing which way to turn. Worries about kids...always worries about kids. Cathi had to have her tub fixed and it wound up costing 1600.00 Of course, she didn't have enough, so.. she had 800 put away, used half of her mortgage payment with that, and we put in the rest.... Now, she needs heating oil again, but hasn't had time to build up her savings for it again since the last tank, which was only the first of February. Davis---I had not told you all yet about it but he had moved out mid-January into an apartment with 3 other guys. They are much younger than he is...he is almost 26, they are 19-20. I was leary of it working, but didn't say anything. Turns out it is not working out. They are irresponsible, don't take care of anything, and none of them want to contribute to the heating costs. They have electric heat, with a woodstove for backup. But they want to use the woodstove exclusively---but of course, no one wants to mess with it, i.e., making sure there is dry wood to use. There are many hours during the day when no one is home...can't use the woodstove when no one is home, but you can't leave a house with no heat when the temp is going to drop into the teens, etc. No one wants to handle the trash. No one cares if anything is picked up or cleaned up. No one observes boundaries. Davis is a private person, but they come into his room at will if he doesn't lock the door, and he hates being locked up in his room. One of them kept coming in during the night, once Davis woke up and found the guy taking his picture with his phone! So, Davis moved out. And, of course, he moved back in here. So, we adjust... again. Thankfully, he hadn't signed a lease yet.

Sorry for rambling about troubles...but glad that you all are here to listen.

On a positive note, Jamie had a really good weekend with his dad. Seems that his dad's girlfriend's son (same age as Jame) had posted some stuff on the internet that had Jamie truly upset, and hurt him deeply. Well, seems that the boy came forward and apologized to Jame and Jame's dad stood up for Jamie about it and it really made Jamie open up and they all had a really good weekend together. Jamie and his dad got to spend some time alone on Saturday and Sat night, as the girlfriend and her son were gone and he and Jamie had a really good time together. When the others got home today, Jamie and the boy played and built a fort in the basement and shared some good time together, also. I hope this helps Jamie's week be better than last week. (Last week was when the internet thing happened) His anxiety issues have really been plaguing him lately, so this weekend was a true gift and hopefully will help some to reassure him.

To all my indigo family, I hope the coming week brings you some peace, some sweet memories that warm your heart, and please know that you are all in my prayers, every day.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Karen, you are not rambling here, my "soul" sister. It was at about the five month mark when my anger began "coming out". I let it all out here. Here is safe. Here there is no judgment. Ramble. Write. Over and over again. It's the only way I know to work through it all. I write (or type on my keyboard). I'm so sorry your relationship with Shawn's wife was and is strained. I don't even know what to say to offer encouragement other than to say I've been there. About the same time frame I sent an email to our attorney answering a question she had; but my email turned into a huge "vent" of anger about the DA...family services...all the attorneys...the judge...kid's dad and his girlfriend........then I said, "And, I can't even pay my damn bills!" She emailed me back validating my emotions and strongly suggesting I call my therapist right now and then told me not to let the money we owe her be one of my stresses...she would work with us. I emailed her back and said, "Oh, we have the money. I just can't open the Fing envelopes!" What you're exeriencing is natural grief. Unfortunately, there's nothing natural about this. It is against everything we've ever been taught and/or believe in. Hugs to you.

Once again I am so impressed with you people and your love and wisdom. I'm sad that it's wisdom born of such horrible experience, but thank God you are here to help light the way.

Love to you all...oh, Amy so glad for your new little gift!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ModKonnie]

My mother blacked out and collapsed and fractured her are in two places, and hit her head. She still is too dizzy to stand and walk and they are not sure why as

of yet. They have done mri's and catscans and are now trying to figure if it's her heart med's. Hopefully soon they will get it under control.

Oh no! I hope she is doing okay. Is she staying in the hospital? Give her our best wishes for a speedy recovery,

ModKonnie

[ModKonnie]

can you help me figure out how to use the color and how to get the photo to load

Hi Sadmomm,

Are you talking about uploading a photo in the photo gallery? Or attaching it to a post? Also, are you talking about color for fonts? You highlight what you want colored, then you press the paintbrush image to the right of the "sizes" tab at the top of this box. The you pick a color.It should show up when you post.

I hope this helps,

ModKonnie

[dlj0403]

I'm tired of saying "I'm ok". I put on the "happy" face, I go to work, I come home and there....I am ugly to my husband... Part of me thinks I am pushing him away because I'm afraid of losing him like I lost Jenna. Am I losing my mind? I've tried find grief counselors but after four, I've given up and have bottled it all up inside. I went to the cemetery yesterday with one of Jenna's friends. In the conversation, she brought up searching for an online forum...which has led me here.

Have any of you had this happen to you? If so, how did you get over this hurdle in grieving and moving forward? In my mind, I've accepted the fact that Jenna has passed away...to a point. I still think she's going to walk through the door anytime saying "hey mom...I'm home! What's there to eat!" Jenna was my best friend and my only child ~ the joy of my life. I had 20 wonderful years and the best memories that any mother/daughter could have together.

As I sit here typing...my heart hurts. I feel like I have so much to say and don't know where to start. I think I've cried so much in the past two year that Jenna's been gone...I can't cry any more, which scares me.

[mikesmum]

It only got worse from there and her ability to turn the sweet on and off on cue left me looking like the bad guy more than once. She did some awful things but could always somehow turn things around on whoever she didn't want around.

Karen - rambling is what this site is good for. You can purge your mind of all that burdens it and somehow it makes a difference. We were introduced to Mikes partner Amanda by accident. She was a a camp he and his then partner Lauren were running for special needs kids. He and Loz had been drifting apart for sometime and shortly after that he moved out with Amanda. She was like no one I'd ever met. Smiling, like a serial killer I remember thinking. They were together for only 2 months when she fell pregnant. Up till then Mike didn't think he was able to have kids...go figure. The pregnancy was at a time when Mike had to undergo more fusion surgery and spinal blocks. He hated hosptial. We took her to visit him as she said it was too far, too hot, too hard to visit him. There was no emotions. He laid there, in great pain and scared. She looked out the window. After Harmony was born she was even more guarded. You could only hold the baby briefly, but she didn't hold her either.

Mike collapsed at home one day. She rang for an ambulance. I took the call from the original calltaker, they were just a little concerned about the information she was giving. When I asked her what happened she said he was walking, got dizzy and fell to the ground. I asked if he was conscious, she said she'd have to go outside and see????? His pacemaker and the surgeries played havoc with his balance and blood pressure. Cold is too kind a word to discribe her.

She did however have the forsight to insure him, 6 weeks before he died. The claim hit the insurer before the funeral. The claim was 'held' till the Cornoners findings were finalised. Given that Mike had taken a 'lethal dose' of his prescribed medications the policy was void.

I sent Harmony a card from Scotland in 09. Amanda believes that was Mikes insurance money and I'm and evil ***** etc etc squandering his cash. Yep that's me....taking $400K in lieu of having my son with me......DUMBASS.

Ahhh see - rambling.

Dee - I remember sampling (amongst a dozen others) Key Lime pie in MN. Was the night of the all you could eat Rib Roast...Yummy.

Jennsmom - No my friend you aren't losing your mind and being ugly to your husband isn't something we can control. Its grief, pure and simple, we want what we can't have and we're angry and raw with emotions.

I promise, as someone told me about 4yrs ago....it will get softer, it will find its place and you will breath again.....

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all my family, I am so sorry I haven't been online for some time, I tried to keep up reading, but I have been so sick. I have missed so many angelversaries, and birthdays, and difficult times in my friends lives. I may not have been able to communicate, but my heart was with you.

I was hit hard with the flu, it laid me in bed, it was all I could do to get up and do for mom, and my boy, muchless my daughter and her kids. Being sick doesn't give me time off, mom's are supposed to be superwoman, I tell you, right now I am weak as a puppy. It has taken all I have to keep going, there were so many days i didn't want to keep going. but I guess I didn't have a choice. My house is a wreck... but I am feeling better than I have for a while, so I hope it finally is gone. My youngest grandaughter brought home the flu bug... and wouldn't you know it, I had to catch it...

I thought of you all so much of the time, and talked with our angels, I just couldn't read a lot, much less type. I hope now I am back, I just wanted to let you all know I am thinking of you. I will try to post again later... You are all in my heart.

[lostwoher]

Stopping by to give a piece of my heart to all of you <3

[ericasmom]

Leah, we worried about you but feel so glad to know that you are out there in the world, making your way. I know the flu is laying folks out, please be careful, extra gentle care of you friend, as though we were all there insisting you rest. Iknow youcan't really rest, but oh boy, I wish that I could help you out so that you could.

Lynn, thanks for that.

I fell down on my walk, everything is where it should be but there is swelling in my left palm, hit hard, black ice. Dum-dum. I grabbed a handful of snow t hold and that probably helped so that it isn't more swollen, we'll see.

Love to all, gotta go to school

[Guest msnher]

Jenna's mom - I offer you the saddest of welcomes. You have come to the right place to find comfort, validation and support. There are no rules here and there is no judgment. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Everything you describe sounds horribly normal for the journey we are all on. My name is Susannah. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died on August 9, 2009 in an ATV accident. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. I took my grief out on my husband, too. I just couldn't seem to harness the anger I had when he was around. Perhaps it was his unconditional love. Once I realized what I was doing and with the help of people here, I was able to stop myself from attacking him.

I would love to know more about your beautiful daughter when you are ready to talk. I hope you post a picture of her. How did she die? Do you work outside the home? Do you have family around you? What did Jenna like to do? Have you had any signs or manifestations from here since she died? A few days after my daughter died a wild bird landed on my shoulder while I was smoking a cigarette...around midnight...under the patio...it had to fly between the back of the chair and my neck to get to my other shoulder. Freaked me out. I traumatised the bird, I'm sure. There have been more, but I want to hear yours, if you don't mind sharing. You live in Oklahoma City, I see...we have others on here from Oklahoma. I live in Casper Wyoming.

Leah - I was ready to send out the national guard! I'm so glad you posted to let us know you are still on this side of life. I'm so sorry you are sick, though. I wish you were rich and could afford to hire people to take care of your family...then you could come spend a week with me and I would take care of you. I'm an excellent Mommy nurse.

Hi Lynn - sending the love right back atcha!

Well, gotta go, friends.

love you all, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Do you think you might have broken a bone in your hand? Ouch! Ibuprofen. And, xrays???

[Guest msnher]

Jenna's mom - I just wanted to add that I went through a period where I couldn't cry. I just felt all cried out. It worried me, too. But the tears did come again. Be gentle with yourself - - and, be gentle with your hubby.