Loss of an Adult Child

[Crystal16]

Lorri,

The Heavenly board is beautiful....

[hoosiermom]

Carrie, Morgan's mom

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't post much either but I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't found this site. I understand the guilt, I think we all do. I had to tell the doctors to stop all lifesaving procedures on my daughter and every once in awhile the thought creeps into my head that I gave up on her. I don't know why that ugly thought comes around when I know in my heart it is not true. We did everything we could, but Brianna was disabled and her poor little body was just worn out. Letting her go was the most selfless act of love I ever did for her.

Please tell us about your son when you can. We never tire of hearing about our children, saying their names.

It will be two years in July that I lost my little girl, and most days it still feels like it just happened. I don't know if time ever cushions that feeling.

Jenn

[westleysmom]

Lorri-BEAUTIFUL billboard for your beauty.

Carrie-I'm so sorry for the loss of Morgan. I hope you are able to get some comfort and peace from this board whether you post or just read. It has helped me so much since I came here to feel understood and my feelings validated. Sometimes feelings fool you, as when we feel guilt for something we truly could not control. But its so hard not to let them have their way with you sometimes. Peace and hugs to you

Crystal-I watched the news footage, I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Take care of yourself while all this is going on.

[caudioun]

Our small town lost someone to cancer yesturday. we lost her way to soon. Please go to her ~In memory of~ Site. Help this family during this hard time. http://shar.es/3tGL3

[sadmomm]

Dear Morgan's mom,

Sorrry you are here love it's a journey we all did not want to be on.Everyone on here is a blessing, they continue to help me through my tragedy I too loss my daughter, Ashlee to a senseless death five months ago. I pray you stay with us and we struggle, scream, cry and do life together. When you are ready please share your son with us.

[sadmomm]

Rhonda thanks for the condolences.I know people on here truly understand. It has been a hard year. Now I am lost. I am thankful for the time god gave to me with him. I don't understand. The whys and hows are crazy and god anything but this. I am sorry you have lost your son also. I just relive his entire life. Just wanting a second chance. He didn't have any children. He was nearly 24. I could have done more with him but was so wrapped up in my own life. He lived with his dad. I had moved 11 hours away. The guilt will be replaced someday but not anytime soon. I struggled with happiness myself. The councelor said the two things you give your kids are truth and happiness. We lived on a farm and he did love that. Puppies Kittens Horses. But I couldn't follow through real well. I think I did the best I could. But looking back i see so much more. Carrie

Jenn I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I feel your pain. I cry a lot. and just want to get out of my skin. I can hear his voice Mom .. He would get mad if i didn't answer the phone or get right back with him. I loved his huggs.. and I love you's.. His mischieviousness. He was a rascal. He will be so missed for the rest of my life. And that is very sad. He knew how to make an impression. Carrie

Crystal I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I read that and I know you have that horrible vision as I do. I have tried to push it out of my mind some. My mind really works on trying to fix it. My mind thinks about it all the time. I am approaching a year. He was born in 1986 the best year of my life and died in march 2010 the worst year of my life. Life is so different now. I am lucky to have other children but wish i had a bunch more. They are us and we are them. I really needed more time with him. The loss is so stupid in so many ways stupid but real. I think this site will help I have been on legacy connect but people don't write regularily like here. CArrie

[kmb22]

Happy Heavenly Birthday sweet Kayla Dawn... ~~{<@, may the warmth of your love surround your family. Lynn my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[charsng1234]

Afternoon all, I had to get on and talk to everyone to get me through this day. First off Morgans mom sorry you found us but also am gratefull your here with this wonderful family. My son Shane was shot on the 15th of January 2011, I would not have made it this far without this site! Also HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY KAYLA DAWN may your love shine on your family today. Crystal how are you holding up? I am still waiting just for the police report, I am with you in court holding your hand as you go through this. Dee that was a wonderful thing you did for that little boy.. You have a big heart thanks for shaing it with all of us. I have been working on my house trying to clean it since this morning.. I start than cry than stop... than start again and than cry its 2:20 pm and still not done. I miss My son so much.. I am so happy I found you all this is what is keeping me sane. you know I never realized how loved my son was.. I went from being a mom of 5, now a mom to 100's of kids. I go see Dr. Lee tomorrow looking forward to it. Hope he can help me to get through this guilt and sadness I feel every day.Well love you all for being there for me.. Shanes mom... Sharon

[daveydow1]

Carrie----Morgan'smom-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your son, Morgan. At this site, you will find that everyone

understands the awful pain and sorrow you are in. Please come back to BI and read/post when you feel up to it.

In the meantime,......be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to grieve in your own way, in your own time. Peace to you.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY,...........SWEET KAYLA.

Thinking of you Lynn, and may your dear memories of your daughter warm your heart & soul.

Kathy-----I so understand that you don't feel like you have much to contrubute to this site right now, and I do believe that

everyone has times when they feel just drained, and cannot post to BI. In reality, I think that the new 'normal' for us is

that from time to time, we just need to be a little bit more solitary. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Carol-----YUK ! Cold ....cold....here also. I am so tired of winter. Oh well..... we can't do much about it, can we? Just

sit and dream of spring.

ASHLEY..........ASHLEY...........ASHLEY.

Thinking of you today, Amy.

Susannah----I didn't hear the 911 call for Davey's accident, but the T.V. stations around this area don't seem to air them. I'm glad

that they don't, in a way. I guess that we will be sorrowful for the rest of our lives.

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Kayla Dawn! Let your love shine down on your family as they remember your sweet smile.

Carrie-So sorry you are here, but glad you have found us. My daughter Ashley was born in 1986 also, and died a year ago, yesterday, so she was about the same age as Morgan. I just told someone yesterday that this has been the absolute worst year in my life. I also feel a lot of guilt for things I did or didn't do. I just wish I had a chance to tell her I am sorry for everything I did that was wrong. We need to find a way to push that guilt away though. None of us are perfect. I know my mom and dad made some mistakes, but that is ok, I know they loved me. I'd like to think our kids would say the same about us. Please share more about Morgan, and post a picture if you can.

Crystal-I watched the newsclip also. I am so sorry you have to relive this over & over again. Please know that we are all thinking of you and your family as you go through this trial. Ashlee is so beautiful & I like to think our Ashlee/Ashley's are friends now!

Lorri-I love the billboards for Kourtney. She's a gorgeous girl.

Sharon-Take it easy on yourself. The first few months are so rough. I know I pretty much did not get off the couch other than to go to work for several months. I think it was June before I felt I could get out of the house at all. I'm glad you found a doctor to help you. Around the holidays this website was offline for a couple of days (server error) and I was literally pacing the house because I could not get on here.

Well, Sofia Elizabeth made her way into this world about 11 AM this morning. 6 lbs 13 ozs. I guess it never occurred to me that she was going to be born at the very same hospital where Ashley died one year ago. That would have made it even more ironic/terrible if she had been born yesterday. Jeff & Katie are going to visit Nikki & the baby tonight. I just could not walk into that hospital again, after spending 3 months last year walking into that hospital day after day. I hope Nikki understands. We will visit her this weekend after she gets home. I started crying at work today thinking about when Katie was born. Ashley was 6 1/2, and my mom brought her to the hospital to visit her new sister. She held her & started singing "You Are My Sunshine" to her. It was so adorable. Ashley always had such a big heart. Although they fought sometimes, Ashley was truly a great sister to Katie, especially the last couple of years when Ashley was old enough to take her places. I'm really sad Katie is going to miss out on that now. She has her half-sisters, Jeff's 2 girls, but it's not the same. Nikki is actually closer to age in her (5 1/2 years older) than Ashley was, but they did not grow up in the same house. Maybe they will get closer as Katie gets older.

It is supposed to warm up to the 30's this weekend. This winter has been so cold.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mysonrich]

Kayla,

[Crystal16]

Amy- Congrats, glad to hear that Sofia had her own soecial day and it was not on the passing of Ashley. I too hope are girls are hanging out with each other. My girl also had a big heart!

Sharon- I am doing much better today. I thank God everyday for bringing the people he knows needs to be in my life at just the right moment. And everyone here has been a blessing.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----I'm with you, friend.........this cold, wintry weather can just GO...anytime.....Like NOW !

Crystal----I'm sorry that you are in such pain right now. Also, sorry that the 911 call has aired on the news. I think

that it would be perfectly acceptable for you to miss your niece's birthday party, at this very difficult time. As someone

suggested......give your regrets, and send a gift for the niece, if you choose. Peace & comfort, friend.

Peace to all Indigos.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Ashley's best friend posted this on Ashley's facebook page. It made me sob. Hopefully I post the link correctly.

[mikesmomrs]

KAYLA...KAYLA...KAYLA...KAYLA DAWN.... even your name is beautiful...sweet child, please surround your mom and fill her heart with memories of your precious self...

Lynn: Thinking of you and holding you close today...

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Lorri, love LOVE the billboard. It is stunningly beautiful. I think that Kourtney is smiling at the thought of her beautiful face being shown around her town for all to see and remember and possibly for everyone to give an extra smile to someone inspired by Kourtney's smile. Inspired by Kourtney's short time here, reminding folks that some of us lose our Babies way before it was a natural time, so savor and relish the times you have NOW!

Carrie, how sad I am that you are here, that you lost your Boy Morgan. I sure hope that your being here will let you feel the love and care that is a constant here. Let your story flow whenever you are wanting to. How old are Morgan's siblings? Who do you have in your life that helps support your emotional needs with this loss? Remember to be kind to yourself, do for yourself what you would advise another to do in similar circumstances. I lost my Daughter Erica Eileen 7.5 years ago when her car was struck by a train, an AMTRAK, in Michigan where she was living with my Son, Jon. They were very close and were renting a house with 4 others and kind of going to school, kind of not. Eri hated school ever since she was in nursery school. But there she was really enjoying her life away from our home, feeling pretty grown up at 19, happy to be more independent. She had a great 11 months in that town before she died, I am so grateful for that. She was struck and lived but never awake, for 6 days. I feel her with me quite a lot, then there are periods of time when she is less present in the days and I do believe that has to do with her need to check in on many here. The cushion that time gives to this sadness and abstraction of life will be felt though everyone's timeline is different. Eri was born in April of 1984 adn died in July of 2003. I dearly miss her.

Sharon, glad to see that you are posting adn that you have your appointment tomorrow. Good for you Dear. Talk to him about the guilt indeed, as that is the huge piece that so many parents have a hard time letting go of. The little boy in my classroom is a Sweetie. He told me later today that his Daddy died two years ago. That he had been very sick and the hospital accidently dropped him and he died. Well this is his version, it may be what happened but there probably is more to it. Poor Baby, so much to deal with in his young life. But there is something pretty special about him, a knowing, an old soul perhaps.

Crystal, glad that you feel better today, your work in the courts could be the most exhausting fight you will ever fight, but it is a worthwhile one and we stand with you as you go forward. No matter if change comes from this saddest of losses, the fight is what you need to power-up for. She must be so very proud of you.

Well going to go do a bit of school work, and so my thoughts are with you each, stay warm and toasty.

[summergirl]

KAYLA, KAYLA, KAYLA, KAYLA, KAYLA, HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY YOU SWEET, SWEET ANGEL.....SMILE ON YOUR FAMILY AND PARTY, PARTY, PARTY...

[ericasmom]

Amy, I am crying, that was gorgeous and how dear that Ashley's friend posted this for her, in honor of her spirit. I know what you mean about Katie missing out on that sisterhood, Jonathan too misses his Sis and the times he thought that they would have as they got older.

LEAH where are you? Michelle, are you okay?

[charsng1234]

just so tired , i have this awful feeling in my stomach had to take a pill to make it slow down, I feel so antsy inside my chest to. I cant believe my baby is never coming home again. this is the longest i ever been away from himsince he was born. he always had away of getting what he wanted from me just with his eyes or his lop sided smile. Lord knows I miss him so much, I hope I can make it.. Please pray for me..

[lolynbo]

Lorri, love LOVE the billboard. It is stunningly beautiful. I think that Kourtney is smiling at the thought of her beautiful face being shown around her town for all to see and remember and possibly for everyone to give an extra smile to someone inspired by Kourtney's smile. Inspired by Kourtney's short time here, reminding folks that some of us lose our Babies way before it was a natural time, so savor and relish the times you have NOW!

THANKS EVERYONE....CANT WAIT TO SEE THE BILL BOARD UP....ITS USUALLY $70 FOR ONE SUNDAY PAPER MEMORIAL SO I FIGURED $100 FOR 3 DAYS SOUNDS LIKE A BETTER DEAL...

WANTED TO SHARE A PIC WITH YAL...SHERRY MADE IT FOR ME ON FB...MATTER OF FACT SHE MADE SEVERAL FOR ME BUT THIS ONE BROUGHT A TEAR....

[ericasmom]

So pretty Lorri, you can really see Kourtney in that little face. Angel face.

Amy, forgot to say congratulations for the birth of the newest addition to your family. I am happy that the baby waited till this morning. She is blessed by an angel that is for sure.

Col, you okay? Bonnie, I miss you. Rhonda are you okay?

sleep deeply all

[mikesmum]

Trudi- It broke my heart when I found out the mother bought Dylan the rifle and did not have it locked. There were other children in the home besides my daughter that could have grabbed it and pulled the trigger.

Crystal - Unbelievable. Never did I ever think of giving any of my children, no matter what age a weapon.

Carrie - This is the place to be. The love understanding and feeling of belonging when all else seems to have been blown away. Please, when you can, share your child's story. We all know our kids are more than the last day. Pictures help....

Dee - Keep warm. I'm with John, no walking out in the weather with it being so cold. I see you are still wrapping your love around those whose lives fall short....

Lorri - Like I said on FB, Kourtney will see it from wherever she is....beautiful girl with a million dollar smile.

Amy - What a beautiful thing for your daughters friend to post. Its just as hard on the siblings left behind.. Steven misses having that older brother to just be with.

Lynn - You know your girl is part of a bigger picture. Sunshine, rainbows, flowers, everywhere you look.....thinking of you today as you reminisce on Kayla's 'belly button day'

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA DAWN (such a pretty name)

Spent today helping eldest step son set up for his garage sale tomorrow. So much stuff. Of ccourse its now pouring with rain. The sale will be under the large verandahs to keep all dry. Grandbabie Zak and Jeya this weekend. Apparently the 4yr old is an owl not a fowl so her family would like us to take her so they can get some rest... I know who runs the show there and it isn't my son or his partner

[mikesmomrs]

Carrie: I am so very sorry that you have a reason in your life to find our family, but you have found a group of men and women who offer comfort, understanding, and who truly care...these blessings will creep into your heart and assist with the healing. When you feel you can, please share your beautiful son, MOrgan with us...we all love to hear about each other's children. My son, Mike, died of brain cancer, at the age of 31, in Oct of 2006. He left behind a young wife and three small boys...his legacy lives on in their spirit and love of life.

Amy: thank you for sharing the beautiful song that Ashley's friend posted...such a beautiful tribute to your daughter, not only of the love they carry for her, but of the love they have for each other in caring enough to send comfort to them through a song. Congratulations on the beautiful addition to your family...blessings on Nikki and her little family. Ashley is strutting her pride in this beautiful new life, for sure.

Lorri: I love the billboard...what an awesome way to spread that awesome and beautiful smile of Kourt's to those who pass by the sing. Thanks for sharing.

Sharon: "he always had away of getting what he wanted from me just with his eyes or his lop sided smile. Lord knows I miss him so much, I hope I can make it.." Our son, Mike had a wry grin, and there wasn't much that he didn't get a "yes" to when he asked. And you WILL make it, Sharon, you WILL... it seems impossible right now...your grief is so new and so raw and I am so sorry that this grief has you in its strong grip...you are at such an early stage of this journey, and it consists mostly of still making an effort just to breathe...know that you are held close in prayer. Your daily effort at posting is a thread to strength. Good luck with your appointment.

Dee: The reaching out that you do to those in your care is a wonderful gift to all those who know you...your example of love, understanding and caring warms my heart, and those on the receiving end of these efforts are truly blessed. Prayers for your new charge.

Trudi: Good luck with stepson's sale...may it all go to new owners, and cash flow in. Have fun with Zak and Jeya...yes, it's easy for those little ones to wrap us around their fingers...hopefully she will know that in Granma's house, night is for sleeping.

Sherry: How goes the quilt?

Kathy: Holding you close in prayers and thoughts...sending hugs and strength to you. Jessica surrounds you with her sweet spirit.

Damon was scheduled to be here today, Friday, but has come down with a nasty cold, along with a dry hacking cough, poor baby...and that all precludes him from being here. It has been a daily, sometimes hourly, effort this winter to keep Ralph healthy...we've slipped up a couple of times, so we need to be more careful.

Cathi had to have her bathroom tub faucets replaced, and it required putting in a new surround around the tub...she has had almost NO water pressure for three months now and this new one is like a gusher...she is out $1600, with a little help from us, but she is happy as can be in that new shower!

Cooolllddd again tonight...10 below and warming up a little tomorrow...no snow in sight, though...YAY!!

We finally did the "search for cheaper car insurance" and wound up saving over $250! It really is worth the effort to look around.

When we took Damon home on Wednesday, he had a snowman in the front yard. He said his Umma and he had built it...it was kind of dark out, but when I saw the mouth, I had to get a picture...and may I present"

DARTH-MAN!

Karen: DId you get dug out yet? Where did you put all the snow?

take care, all my indigo family...and have a good Friday.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

2am wake up call. Too many thoughts running around the old squirrel cage I call my brain. Instead of putting up a stop sign, I've assigned a traffic cop. Whistles blowing, hands with white gloves pointing every which way. I'm not much, but I'm all I think about (ego). Sheese.

We spent the evening at the school for science night. So much fun! The school did a great job if I say so myself (no thanks to me). I'm the one who scoffed at the whole idea. The idea is to have one night a month to bring children, staff and parents together to help parents learn what the children are learning. The way it was discussed in our meeting is their goal was to TEACH the parents, hence the mental picture of me sitting at a desk with a teacher at the blackboard. Not just no, but hell no! Well, I was wrong. It was a blast. There were three rooms set up as display rooms where the children did a demonstration for the parents. There were several tables set up with several projects at each table. Mariah was quite bossy. She demanded to know my hypothesis for each situation. "No! You're wrong!" She blared at me. I had to clench my jaw tight to hold the laughter in as not to hurt her feelings. The teacher had to turn away because he couldn't hold his laughter in. "You're wrong..." He mouthed to me as he walked away. LOL

The staff was all dressed up as "mad scientists." We had pizza and strawberry shortcake. Jasmine's teacher is sick. And, she stood out in the cold, talking to me for a bit. I think I'll send her some cough drops and other goodies today.

[Guest msnher]

Amy I, too, am deeply touched by the tribute Ashley's friend posted for her.

Carrie, Sharon, Crystal, Alison....all of you who are new here or even just new to posting, my heart goes out to you. There are days I wonder if I've begun to heal at all and other days when I am sure I am through grieving (only to be surprised when it hits again). My point is it does lesson. I can't remember the exact words others have used...ebb and flow. I guess the most important thing is you don't grieve alone. We are here.

Love to all. Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sorry you could not sleep well Sus however, glad that youenjoyed your evening in school. I love our evening events. It lets a different type of community to exist, a bigger community.

I just came in from a walk, first one since Monday. It is a roaring 14 degrees and actually lovely. Birds are giving short bursts of sound in the cold, but there is no wind so it is quite lovely. I seem to have caught the raspy throat thingy going around, woke coughing too, but not too long and slept again. Many kids have it so double up on the C vitamin and get some fresh air. Carol so sorry that Damon has it now. It is hard when we are so cooped up and not allowed the sunshine and fresh air. Prayers for wellness.

love to you all

[lostwoher]

A huge thank you and a well deserved hug for all the birthday wishes, thoughts and prayers given to my Angel Kayla and my family.

We didnt have much planned for the day except to build her a snowman. That turned out to be a bust due to the snow not packing. It was bitterly cold so we ( my son Travis & I ) mostly sat in the vehicle in silence just remembering. We went back to Travis's home where he played a cd of their 2nd & 3rd birthday parties and of a few trips they had taken to visit family in Tenn. Oh my the memories that brought back. I didnt even know those videos existed. Their grandfather made it for him so he will burn me a copy. I cried alot needless to say.

My nephew Cory called me wanting to come over for a visit so I told him to give me an hour and I would text him as soon as I got home. That anxious boy text me 2 more times to check to see if I was home! I actually thought he just wanted money or had another argument with his mother so I didnt immediately let him know when I was home. Shoot- it had been a day of crying and I just wasnt up to visiting or consoling another person. He came knocking and asked me to sit down so he could talk. He is usually quiet and just nods when talking so I knew he had something important to say. As Cory sat there looking at me he started shaking and crying. He said Kayla came to him in his dream but he isnt real sure it was a dream. When he saw it was her coming towards him he he started crying and he kept asking her over and over if she was ok. She kept saying yes yes yes, please dont worry about me. Dont be sad. Everything you are going thru is going to work out. He thanked her for coming and her reply was " Are you kidding me? This visit is the BEST birthday gift ever! Tell them I love them" She wiped his tears, gave him a hug and said again " Im ok, dont worry"

I still get chills thinking of what he has shared with me. I told him how jealous I was but that Im so very happy he received the visit. I told him that next time to tell her she had best get her hiney over to me so I could have that experience. I so long to hear her voice.

I have a busy day ahead of me but wanted to share my day with my family of Indigos. Much much love! XO

[lostwoher]

Oh and I cannot leave out the Carebears! Priceless !!!

[shorty16]

Lynn - How cool is that!! Cory seeing your Kayla. I believe, when we are asleep, our bodys are imoble, but our minds may be free to receive or wander. I sure hope the message that Kayla is OK and that all will work out brought comfort to you. It has me.

Glad for you, my friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Hello Everyone

I had the awesome please of sending and receiving an e-mail from Mrs B. She is the mother of Cameron who was killed car-surfing on 3-8-2008, just 2.5 months before our Brian. Her story was on the MSN home page and on the Today Show.

A wonderful person provided me a link to sharing our similar experiences. I plan on keeping in touch. Mrs. B's road of grief has been made more difficult, because the sentencing of the driver was 2-7-2011; almost 3 years after Cameron's death and her marriage did not survive this. I could hear the relief in her e-mail that the court process is over. Now the real healing can start.

She is very strong and spreads the word in community settings about the dangers of car-surfing. I tried that. I gave 6 speaches and could do it no more. The looks on the parents faces was all I could bear. They looked how I felt. Now, I feel drawn to helping those who have lost their children in similar ways.

Cameron was 19 years old - Brian was 16.

Truely wonderful how the internet can connect two broken hearts.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Lynn: So very happy for the message from Kayla...it was good of Cory to bring it to you so soon...

Dee: glad that you got out to walk...though 14 degrees seems to me like staying in and wrapping up in a blanket weather! Glad you got to hear the birds...how DO they stay alive in this kind of weather?

Susannah: I am glad that you got to enjoy the science show...glad that Mariah is taking it seriously. It sounds as if the teachers of your kids are so good...thanks for sharing.

I am up this early because I got a rude (really rude) phonecall from a bill collector at 8:02 this morning...calling to tell me I am past due on a bill that I already paid! Of course, being more than half asleep, I couldn't pull my thoughts together so had to get up and look everything up. UGH! I know he's "only the messenger" but he was SO rude. The crazy thing about his being so rude is that he said "You are 15 days past due. Could you tell me why you are 15 days past due?" FIFTEEN days! Even if I was, is 15 days such a terrible crime? His tone of voice made it sound like I hadn't paid in three months. Oh well. thanks for letting me vent.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, please call the company of the caller's origin and find out if indeed he works for them, it could be a scam of some sort, so don't call any number he gave you, instead call the number on your bill. I have heard of this kind of thing and it ripping folks off. What a jerk he was either way. If he indeed works for the company, then I would tell the company that you will take your business elsewhere if ever treated as such.

Lynn, I am so glad for the perfect message from Kayla, what a dear child to have come to her Cousin and give him the strength to move forward with more faith in his heart, she had the power to help him with her visit and he was compelled and sent by KAYLA to give you her message that she is FINE. Special Angels, how we dearly love you.

Col, how cool that you are connected to this woman who shares so similar a tragedy. Blessings to your outreach, it will serve so many and Brian is dancing in your light.

[Guest msnher]

Lynn - Thank you for sharing Cory's dream/visit. I definitely believe it truly happened. Those things happen to me and then a few weeks later I doubt it happened at all. For some reason it is easier for me to believe others experiences than my own.

We sent a care package to Jasmine's teacher today but she is staying home, which is good. One of the secretary's is expecting twins any day and we're quite excited about it. I just love them. They put up with me so I know they're patient with the kids.

Humph!! Yesterday I picked up the files from Family services about the kid's history and/or cases. Each file is several (like 10) inches thick. The pictures of their injuries, statements from kids, police, doctors, school etc....AND statements from their dad and his girlfriend. Now, I had an inkling of most of this stuff since it was hinted at throughout the 16 month trial process, but to see it and read it word for word just chaps my hide! Their dad out and out lied about so many things! Now I know why everyone kept inspecting our garages. At the time I thought it was so weird. I knew their dad and his girlfriend tried to blame all the abuse on us, but I couldn't figure out what happened in the garages. They accused us of ritualistic occult type abuse on the kids. Now, I know it's over. I know no one ever believed them, but I'm still mad as can be. And, then dad to tell the girlfriend's son (when he tried to get help for the kids) that they were just getting what they deserved......it's a good thing we terminated all contact BEFORE I got those files. And the girlfriend forced the kids to call her Mommy. They weren't allowed to mention Stephanie's name or ask about her. So.....in each interview with police, Family Services, doctors....when asked who hurt them, the kids say, "Mommy did it".

I'm giving myself a free pass to stay in bed today. Got the kids off to school already.

Later, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Well, I'm not AS mad now. I read further and every person with any authority speaks well of us and Stephanie.

Colleen - Sorry I missed your call yesterday. It did make me smile! I was out, being a member of society and interacting with humans face to face. I now need to rest to get over it. I am so impressed with you and what you are doing to help others. This is my self declared year to endulge my nervous/emotional breakdown. I crack myself up.

[charsng1234]

Morning all, I am so happy lynn got a message form her angel. My only dreams are knowing my son is gone and I wake up in dread already. I am looking forward to my dream or someone close to us.. Thank you for sharing it gives me hope.. And that is all I have!! Susannah you deserve a day in bed.. You are amazing.. Well I hope I can get through another day without my son. They are holding an all day event at Buffalow wild wings for my son. 15% goes to his family. I started an account for shane/ baby were doing good getting money for his girlfriend. I love her she is going to be a wonderful mom. All be well to day hugs from az...

[westleysmom]

Dee-I'm still here. We've had really bad weather this week and its just been crazy. My car's thermometer said 1 degree this morning on my way to work, just for a little bit. Then we got up to a balmy 9 degrees. Its supposed to warm up for the next few days and be unseasonably warm. I can't wait. Take care of the scratchy throat, maybe it won't be a long drawn out illness.

Colleen-It does help to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through. I'm glad you were able to connect with her. So sorry that the marriage didn't survive, but can certainly understand how it happens. Its so hard not to try to find someone to blame, and a spouse is handy. I just usually blame myself, an even more handy target. But I'm working on it.

Lynn-What an amazing visit Cory described. I hope that it brought you the comfort that you need on the day that should be happy, but is so hard to face. I hope that someday we all get a visit from our angels, just to see them smile.

Susannah-Unbelievable the evil that lurks in the hearts of some people. I don't blame you one bit for being angry, even if it is all over now. Forgiveness is easier said than done, and I don't know if I would ever be able to forgive these people for the pain that they caused your family. It does reinforce your decision to break the communications with their father, though and prove it was the right decision.

Carrie-Oh those boys can melt your resolve with puppy dog eyes and lopsided grins. I'm sure that Westley probably could have gotten me to do almost anything for him when he turned on the charm. I miss him so much, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. Thinking of you and hoping that you are doing okay.

Amy-Congratulations on the new baby in your family, and that she didn't come on the day. After the 13th of January, when I didn't have that to dread anymore, I felt a huge sense of "What now?" I made it through the one year mark, is it going to change miraculously to where I feel better more than I don't? Is this when people around me start saying "You're not over that yet? It's been a year." I really felt lost, and I guess in a way, I still do. I still have to decide every day how I'm going to make it through that day. I guess we did that before, but it was easier then to decide to make it a good day than it is now. Its possible now, but requires a great deal more effort, and sometimes it just wears me out. Anyway, we made it through the actual day that we lost them, so I guess I can make it through anything, right? We just may not want to, or enjoy it much.

Betsy, Betty, Leah, Sherry, Bonnie, Trudi, Lorri, Michelle, Carol, Karen, Crystal, everybody I forgot to list, I hope you're all staying warm and healthy and finding strength to get through the days. You all feel like family to me and are on my mind daily. I am so glad we found each other

[Crystal16]

Amy- I loved that video it brought tears to my eyes I hope you dont mind I posted it on my FB.

[Crystal16]

Colleen- I'm glad God blessed you with that connection to Wendy. I pray you both can console one another.

Pray for me all...

I have a sit down interview with NBC-2 this afternoon at 3:00pm(EST). I want to be able to articulate to the public the current gun controls laws here in the state of Florida and they need to be reviewed. WE need changes!! The controls we have in place make it easy for our youth to have a rifle/gun without being aware of the safety dangers. I pray God's spirit flows through me and help me get the message across. It will never bring back Ashlee but it might help another family of not going through this pain because the person holding the gun was not properly educated or had safety training or other measures are put not in place that would STOP all this senseless deaths!

[Guest msnher]

Prayers, Crystal.

[lolynbo]

PRAYERS FOR THE NBC INTERVIEW YOU WILL DO FINE....

LYNN WHAT A GREAT MESSAGE FROM KAYLA...

SO KIMBERLY WAS HELPING HER FRIEND DO VALENTINES FOR KIDS AND KIMMY TOOK A PIC OF THE HAUL....SHE GUESSES KOURTNEY WAS HELPING AS WELL

[hoosiermom]

Lynn I am in tears over Kayla's visit....how amazing (and I have a nephew named Cory too!) I think our kids know just who to visit and get a message across and sometimes it's not us because the message is more meaningful coming from someone else--hope that makes sense lol. Clearly your nephew was very moved by his visit!

I had one very clear dream of Brianna after she passed. I took her to see the speech therapist to prove that Brianna could talk now and didn't need their services. They asked her to name her parents and siblings and she said all of our names, it was so sweet. It was like she was telling me she knew who her family was.

Crystal, prayers and thoughts headed your way, sending you strength to get your message out.

Jenn

[sadmomm]

thanks for the kind messages. We all knowhow hard it is to find some peace after these tragedies have taken our children from us. You all are inspirational just talking amongst eachother. I am not alone when i am here with all of you. thanks Carrie

[westleysmom]

Just thought of this song and wanted to try to put on here. I haven't had much luck before with this kind of thing, so cross your fingers.

Its a song about Jackson Browne's wife that committed suicide, but I always like it.

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Crystal, I can't wait t hearhow your interview went. WEre they coming to your home? I bet you did really well, it is a story, it is your story and it needs to be told. Hooray for you and for those that are listening.

Rhonda, glad that the warmer temps will head your way, our way too. Good, I like it in the mid to high 20's for walks and kids playing outside. I like that song too, and I heard a song today that stopped me in my tracks, so beautiful. I told my husband the name of the band, good thing because i cannot remember now, but he will look for any available downloadable music by them.

Lorrie, don't eat too much candy, you'll get hyper. Oh man did my students rake it in today and they were hyper before the sugar. I cannot tell you how upset i am that we have valentines day parties today when we are in school on monday for the real day...my goodness, can we please keep some things real? anyhow, busy day, we painted our landform islands this morning, the kids made them out of salt dough the other day. It was very nice. Next week, they will write a story about the island that they made, and the 7 landforms they included will have to be included in the story. They learned about 40 landforms.

Fun, tiring, and I need to write in their folders now.

Talk later.

[ericasmom]

Where is everyone tonight? I was surprised to not see anyone this evening.

Hope everyone sleeps well,

dee

[mikesmum]

Lynn - Great gift for you on your daughters day....live for these moments.

Didn't know that about Jackson Browns wife. Loved the song.....

Crystal - Hope the interview goes well. Stay true to the topic...Your daughters memory demands it.

Dee - Yep, just about every 'date' is shifting to accomodate one thing or another. Easter here has been moved to begin around Boxing Day. I kid you not. I was offered hot cross buns to taste today..

Have Zak and Jeya tonight. Exhausted after a night of setting up and a day of Garage Sale.

Zak had a fall yesterday. He fell down a number of brick steps cutting his leg and badly bruising both shins. Jeya was retelling the gory details. 'Lots of blood, I thought he was gonna die, just like Micheal'. That grabbing in the chest and the inability to breath. Does she really connect an injury with death, the death of Micheal, someone she didn't know.....hmmmmmmm..

[ericasmom]

Jeya is reflecting the fear that we all have. SHe was affected by Micheals life and death. I get frightened of injuries and what the implications can be...

I think Trud, that we should start a campaign to readjust holidays to the original dates. How sad that kids will not even be connected to a holiday by the truth of the date.

love you,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's;

Dee - Jonathon's kindergarten class had their Valentine's party yesterday, only Grandma didn't retain that information so he didn't have his Valentines to pass out. I was truly sorry and traumatized that I had failed him. I kept telling him how sorry I was. He didn't seem to care one way or the other. His box was full of Valentines and treats, his face covered with frosting...he was happy. His teacher laughed and comforted ME and told me he could pass his Valentines out on Monday. The girl's parties are Monday.

Trudi - I hope that Zak is okay? I'm sure Jeya's comment sucked the breath right out of you. It's bittersweet. The innocence of children. The pictures their minds create to understand something we adults can't even wrap our heads around. Little Kaylee was 1 1/2 when Stephanie died. I think she might have met her twice. Yet, she stares at Stephanie's pictures in quiet wonder and could say her name quite clearly. Makes one wonder.....

Karen - How are you, friend?

Leah??????

Hubby got home late last night after being in Austin Texas all week. We're letting him sleep in this morning. I don't have much plans for today. I have a busy day tomorrow. Hope you all are well as can be under the circumstances.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

Good morning my friends,

Yesterday was of course emotional. The news exclusive is in segments. Our story ran last night at 6:00pm. I would assume NBC-2 will run pieces leading up to Dylan’s trial. They caught my raw emotions on video as I looked into the camera and asked WHY, why did this have to happen. Dave came across strong and stated this could have been prevented with tighter gun control laws. Once they’ve ran everything I will share with all of you.

I pray everyone has a peaceful day today…

[sadmomm]

Hi indigoes

I am struggling I want to write but i don't want to write. I want something to ease the pain but what ever will. I want to know where you all live. I am in KY Morgan was in MD I was in MD until 06.. since his death. I have relived many aspects of his life. and mine. Since he was my first child It was the neatest thing. I loved him and still love him. Death changes ones life. I was struggling with divorce when this happened. And ignored him. He didn't live with me. I am still struggling with divorce and LIFE. I am lost. Moving to KY was not too smart. But it seemed like the thing to do at the time. Now my daughter is well adjusted here and my family split. My other son lives there. I thought my kids were like me. Pretty much grown by 14 or so. But they need us so much more now. Unconditionally. I don't think I ever had a passion for life. I know my childrens birth was the best part ofmy life. I struggled by choice. As I guess we all struggle. It makes me happy to see my daughter enjoying her life so much with a real desire to do well in school and go to college. The people are nice here. Much friendlier than MD the kids like to have just country fun. creeks deer hunting four wheeling. My son is doing more he is in college for his second semester. Getting good grades..It is the saddest and most consuming year in my life. And I am still trying to bargain to warn. To go back in time. All is just emotional effort expended. INternet friends... You all seem so comfortabl here. Know eachother well. and are very supportive.Morgan was born march 7 and died march 4 i have only seen one sign. one day while cutting hay last spring there was a smiley face in the clouds. a oval cloud wit two eye holes a nose hole and a mouth hole. there were 2 other faces in the clouds that day one of an alien and some other face. I tried to get him to show me something in my smoke from my ciggarette..... I never smoked until this happened. But the pain is so unbearable the distraction from smoking and of course the nicotene.. and of course smoking one for him. not a good idea.

Happy belated birthday Kayla Dawn

Thanks for telling me about your beautiful Erica Dee.. I am sad for you and wondered how it changes over the years.If you can look at photos without screaming...What you tell people when they ask how many children do you have..??I was drawn to your writing because you are always so energetic and positive.

Love to all indigos and our beautiful children