Loss of an Adult Child

[charsng1234]

went to see a grief person today. It went ok he asked how long I needed to see him I said a long time. he helped me out with some stuff to do when I am having my panick attacks. If anyone wants to know what he told me to do let me know. I tried one today and it did help a little to calm me down. He also gave me something to post all over my house.. IT read Courage does not always Roar sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying " I will try again tomorrow" I like that..

[mikesmum]

I’m so angry!!! We just found out from our DA that has been issued to release the 911 call to all the news station tomorrow afternoon for all to hear. I haven’t heard it yet, I was pregnant and the DA and my family did not want me to hear it in fear of me losing the baby (even thou I did.) The DA said I could go down town tomorrow morning before its made public to hear it before my daughter’s name and picture flashes on the 12 o’clock news. My heart hurts because our family’s tragedy is the afternoon news “ARE YOU KIDDING ME.” I want my baby back I hate that GOD allowed or let Dylan chose to pull the trigger…. I sit here crying knowing no matter what happens during this trial it will never bring her back.

Its hard enough to endure this journey without the added agony of the media. I remember the hardest jobs as an EMD were the ones that made the 'news'. They would flash pictures of the loved one who died, fill the story with background information and play it on a loop of short 'news updates'. It usually was followed by the print media for days after.

I never heard the 000 (911) tape from Micheals call. I heard one side of it as I stood behind the operator giving instructions. Mikes tape was introduced as part of the court case with my company but my Barrister had it quashed as it bore no relevance. Another small blessing.

If you aren't prepared to see your girl out there in the media, if you want to keep your memories intact without the intrusion don't watch the news. I only hope you are spared any requests for interviews.....sometimes they get taken out of context only adding to your aching heart.

Colleen - Another family torn by tragedy. Divorce, part of this journey for many parents who grieve.

The floods here are subsiding. The water is not moving much. Its brown and stagnent. So many have lost so much, now fires to the West. Mother nature is having a 'menopausal moment' and we are right in her sights.

I'm back in the hills. Its for a couple more days. Family being here makes it hard to just up and leave.

I can only hope there is a soft place for all Indigos to just be over these next days. Angelversaries, legal cases, news coverage the list can overwhelm......Peace to you all.........Trudi

[aim630]

Crystal-I am so sorry the police are releasing the 911 call to the media. I don't even know why the news stations even need to play the tape. I don't want to hear something that I know just leads to tragedy & a family's suffering. Thinking of you and your sweet Ashlee as you go through this trial.

Sharon-Glad your grief counselor gave you some ideas for dealing with the panic attacks. We all found out we have more courage and strength than we ever knew (or wanted to know) we had. I hope they bring Shane's killer to justice, it is not fair that he is free.

My stepdaughter Nikki left work today with labor pains. She's still at home. I am hoping she does not give birth tomorrow, but obviously there's nothing she can do if that's when little Sofia Elizabeth decides its time to join us. Ashley's middle name is Elizabeth. If she is born tomorrow, her birthday will always be bittersweet.

One of my coworkers said she did remember what tomorrow was & she didn't know if she should say something or not. She did not want to upset me. She also said she would have covered for me tomorrow so I could have taken the day off, but maybe it will be better to be occupied. She just turned 26, pretty close to Ashley's age. She had to cover for me the week Ashley died (she just kind of got thrown into it, without much training).

Thinking of everyone here every day.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

Crystal----Sending thoughts & prayers for strength in the upcoming difficult times you are facing. Peace, friend.

Colleen----Such a sad story about the death of yourng Cameron. Prayers for the family.

Trudi---Glad that the floods are subsiding in your area.

Lorri----Sorry to hear of the carpet getting soaked. Since Kourtney's Kloset is in the basement, and is prone to getting

water damage, .... maybe it would be good to take up the carpet and paint the cement floor. I hope that none of the

clothing or other merchandise gets ruined.

Betty------Glad you were home for a few days. Best wishes to your sister.

Dee----Yep.......it's c-o-l-d here too....about 15 degrees today, but with a very brisk wind, causing drifting of snow. It

snowed last night......about 4 inches, I guess. Denny had to run the snow blower today, to clear the parking area

back of the garage, and the lane. Went to the yard goods store to get a couple small items I needed to get back to

work on my quilt. I know what you mean about the 'hibernation' thing. Weather like this makes one feel like a bear....

in more ways than one.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Amy, I am glad that one of your coworkers approached you and told you about realizing what tomorrow is and how it is affecting you. Holding you close, and I pray that little Sofia Elizabeth fills your heart with sweet smiles and brings new joy into your lives...as you said, it will be bittersweet if she is born tomorrow, but perhaps Ashley is encouraging this so as to bring some joy into your heart.

Lynn: Thinking of you, and beautiful Kayla, also.

Crystal: I am so sorry this is happening and making this journey so much more difficult for you. Thinking of you and beautiful Ashlee, and I think Trudi's advice was right on...try to avoid the news if you can.

Sharon: It is good that you've found a counselor and I am happy for you that it seems as though it might be a good fit. The saying you quoted about courage is one I've kept close to me since the first day I went back to work after Mike died. My daughter Cathi gave it to me on a magnet and there are days when it has helped my to not beat myself up over letting myself be overwhelmed by what I was going through at the time.

Sherry: I like that you are getting back to your quilt. It is pretty cold here, too, after a couple of days of not so bad. It is supposed to be below zero tonight and wind chill 10-12 below.

Lorri: I am sorry about the flooding in your shop...if I lived nearby, I would come and help. And I like the picture of Kody playing his video games, and of course they would be racing!

Trudi: Glad to hear that the floods are subsiding, but so sorry to hear that there has been so much loss. After those fires last year, yes, your beautiful country has been ravaged by nature. I hope things stay on a good course from now on out, and hope you are able to get back to the ocean and it life-giving aura soon. Thanks so much for the "virtual" Red Sox cake!

Leah: I hope you are okay...thinking of you!

Kathy: Thinking of you and hoping the darkness lifts somewhat for you. I am glad that you are taking time to post and let us know how you are. We are with you, Kath, all the way.

Betty: So glad to see you back, even if only for a bit. We do miss you, it's true.

Dee: So glad you got to feel the warmth of the sun through the windows...I am able to get that through our front window, which is a bay window. I love sitting in the chair in front of the window and letting that beautiful sun warm me. I feel like a cat, soaking it all up! Of course, that's that same sun that I have to keep the curtains closed in the summer to block out and keep the house cool!

Thank you all so very much for your birthday wishes...they meant so much to me. The family took me out to dinner, and I had a twin Maine lobster dinner. YUM!!! Cathi had made a cake and brought it to the restaurant. She and her children gave me a beautiful dragonfly pin. Kim sent her present, and it actually arrived this morning, which is a record for Kim! She had made a suncatcher from a beautiful pink stone, surrounded in a "cage" of sterling silver that has a design of two dragonflies on the front. It is quite pretty. Of course, from Ralph are my sweeeet opening day Red Sox tickets!

And, today was "truck day." That is the day that the tractor trailer truck is packed up at Fenway Park and all of the equipment is shipped down to Florida for their spring training time. I can almost hear the jonquils and crocus putting on their best down under the earth (and tons of snow), getting ready for spring!

I hope all have a good night tonight...stay warm. Sus, Marcia, Bonnie, Betsy, Karen, Colleen, Rhonda, and all of our Indigo family...you are all in my prayers, always.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - I am so sorry that I have not yet welcomed the new to BI.....I hate it when I see someone else here yet at the same time I am so happy they have found us.

I do not know why I cannot post like I used to, I feel as though I have nothing to offer, no comfort, no strength, no words of wisdom and it is not supposed to be like this.....I am almost 4 years here and I am supposed to be doing all of the above. I have walked this road for almost 5 years, I am supposed to be so much stronger then I feel right now.....I cannot even seem to respond to anything and it hurts me to not be here for you......this too shall pass I keep saying so I am going to keep taking a breath at a time, one step at a time and the day will come when I will be back here stronger then ever.

Much love to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Hi All, Carol, sounds like a wonderful day was had by you and all those you are close to. I celebrate the day you were born because the world is definitely a brighter place with you in it. Great dragonfly gifts.

Trud, so happy that the water is receding but please stay out of the way of the fires now. when you are at the seaside house, are these weather issues a problem or are you far enough away from it all?

Crystal, I am so very sorry for the way that you and your family are being treated in this most painful time. SO much loss and then to treat the action of listening to these tapes as though considering your family's needs at this time. Sadness taht the system does not work in a much better manner. Hang tight Sweetie, Ashlee is holding you close and trying to make sure that you are okay.

Sharon, I am so pleased that you went to a therapist and that he gave you some strategies. I love the saying he asked you to post, it is one of my favorites as well. It makes very good sense.

Amy, I know that you would rather not have the baby tomorrow, but it really could be the work of angels to add something good to a day that is so devastating. I would feel the same as you with it, either way, may this child be blessed into a healthy life. I am glad that the young lady at work knew what tomorrow is for you. What a nice woman to hold your tragedy in her memory and to mention it to you. How is Katie doing? Will she take the day off of school?

[Guest msnher]

Ashley Ashley Ashley Ashley Ashley Ashley Ashley

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Not much to say. Just sending warm thoughts your way. It's minus 4 outside right now, but is supposed to get to 30 today. We got a little bit of snow, not a lot. Just enough to melt and then freeze into ice. I keep forgetting to buy salt or kitty litter to throw on the steps. I prefer kitty litter because it doesn't damage anything.

It has never occurred to me to ask to hear the 911 call for Stephanie. I wonder if I would want to listen to it. Part of me does and part of me doesn't. If I had thought about it in the beginning I might have insisted, but now it would just throw me back into that dark place. There are times I'm still tempted to insist on looking at the photo's of the crash scene, just to see my daughter. Play detective one more time. But, everytime I "go there" my thoughts remind me that I am satisfied that it was an accident. Two of her friends still think her boyfriend killed her. What can we do about it now anyway. She's gone. he's already in jail. Let it go. That's where my thoughts go occasionally. I'm just all fought out.

Leah - How are things with your daughter? How's the weather up your way?

I don't understand this, Indigo's. For those of you further on this journey, am I normal to still feel so sad? I find sunshine. I find humor (sometimes dark humor) and I feel love. But my tears are always right behind the surface. I've never been a crier. Who I am is not who I was - is an understatement. I didn't quit the anti depressants. I'm not willing to go through the withdrawals without my doc's help and he wants me on them for a couple mor years. I'm tempted to find one of the hypnotists like Scherry did, but I'm just not interested in that anymore. I've had some real powerful experiences, myself, including my dream/visit and the joy/relief lasts for a short while and in no time I am back in the pit of despair. Despair is too harsh a word. It's not that bad now.

I just don't find satisfaction or fulfillment in the things I used to. It used to be a when I finished a project, like remodeling a room, I basked in the joy of it for a while. Now it leaves me flat. Why bother? It used to be clothes excited me. Now I just throw anything on and off I go. I used to be quite dependable. Now I find ways to get out of any commitment. I used to get up and make my bed and do my chores and then read or visit with friends or write. Now I get up, get the kids off to school and go back to bed. I try to get up and get busy and that sadness overtakes me and I go back to bed.

Is this grief? Am I just lazy now? I have to admit, when the weather is nice I DO go outside. I do little things here and there outside and that still brings me peace. It's much too cold to do that these days.

Well, speaking of kids, it's time to get them up and ready for school.

Amy - holding you close today!

Love Susannah

[hoosiermom]

Amy--thinking of you today, and your beautiful girl ASHLEY, may her sweet spirit surround you. So sorry that you have to work and hoping that you make it through the day.

A year ago today I received a hysterical, sobbing phone call from Justine, my oldest daughter. The only words I could understand were "hit by a train". A sick fear ripped through me as I asked "WHO???" So I am remembering and saying out loud....TITUS ALLEN JUSTUS, a mischevious, funny, outgoing, outdoors loving, athletic young man who never got to graduate high school and achieve his goal of joining the Marines. TITUS you are loved and missed, may your spirit be with your mom Jana and stepdad Greg, father Joe, sisters Samantha and Justine, and little brother Tanner today.

Jenn

[westleysmom]

ASHLEY-Beautiful girl, missed every second of this year by your Mom and whole family.

Amy, wishing you a measure of peace on this and every day.

[westleysmom]

Jenn-Hoping that Titus's whole family can feel his presence and love today in their hearts and that it will bring them peace.

Kathy-Please don't be so hard on yourself. Dee said that she had to take some time off at one point during the past seven plus years, maybe more than that, I can't remember. We are here because it helps, but if its not helping right now, it must mean that you need a break, or at least to give yourself a pass for not wanting to talk/post. One year just about broke me, I'm sure that five is even more difficult to fathom and face the reality of. Take care of you and Tavian and Barry (I hope I have the right husband here, apologies if not!)

Susannah-I so know what you mean about feeling flat and empty. "Projects" used to keep me going a lot, you know, the bathroom remodel, the porch addition, the hardwood floors, etc. I sometimes did self-improvement instead of home improvement, I went back to school and got my master's degree at night from 1998-2000. My daughter says its the 3 years that we didn't eat supper. Which of course begs the question, did I ignore my children while all this was going on? At least in my mind that question is begging, which is a whole other guilt-laden topic. But now, it seems like nothing can hold my interest very long, although I have been able to read a little bit more than I could for a while there. I used to plan parties and holidays, and now I don't think I could plan lunch for more than 2 people, one of which is me and doesn't care that much one way or the other. So, I hope you're normal, because that makes me normal too. I know I'm a little behind you on the timeline, but I think we're doing about the best we can. The grief just drains you, and hopefully at some point, it won't drain us faster than the rest of our lives can fill us back up.

Crystal-I'm so sorry for the added pain that you are having right now. Are you feeling better physically? Be sure to follow drs orders and take care of your body, even if your spirit is feeling beaten down by all this stuff going on.

Carol-You mentioned Kim. I hope she is doing better after her problems around Christmas time. I'm glad you had a nice birthday and the dragonfly things sound beautiful.

Sherry-Stay warm, it sounds really cold. It was 17 degrees on the way here this morning and we're supposed to get more snow. I could do without it, but nobody asked me.

Colleen-I had seen the headline about the story on the Today show and watched the video online. So sad, and of course I immediately thought of you and Brian. I'm so sorry that family has been broken apart by the tragedy. They said that this kind of stuff was on the movie Jackass, which I never watched. I just can't get into those kind of movies. I watched one last night, really old, called Made in Heaven, which was about a young man who died and went to heaven and met his soul mate, and they came back to earth and he had to find her again. I watch more sad movies than I used to, this one had lots of sad parts. Kind of cheesy in parts, but overall, it wasn't bad.

Stay warm and safe all my friends

[Crystal16]

ASHLEY, ASHLEY, ASHLEY have your love surround your mom and family today . I pray God gives you peace on this difficult day, Amy.

Hugs to you.

[Crystal16]

I decided to return to work today, I could not be at home in front of the TV waiting for my family’s tragedy to be exposed for all to see. I’m physically hurting still but not half as bad as the emotional pain I feel. My sister text me this morning niece birthday on Saturday at 3:30pm, not how are you today sis, I’m thinking of you. My sister, Dawn, is one of the most selfish Individuals I know… I don’t think I can put myself in that place Saturday dotty over my niece pretend like everything is okay oh she’s a princess. No thank you as I sit there visualizing my daughter death she was shot in the mouth, bleeding all over the place, gasping for air, looking at her boyfriend as to say WTF did we do. And top of that, while the news media playing the 911 recording on the news as my family has to relive that pain over and over again….

[westleysmom]

Crystal-I'm so sorry, so very sorry for this added pain. I think if you don't feel like you can attend the party for your niece, you should let your sister know and send a gift along with your regrets that you are not able to come. Heck, use your recent surgery and going back to work as an excuse if you feel like that will spare her feelings and you won't have to tell her what's really wrong. She should know, but people who don't know, as we always say, don't know. I think somebody on here had a stop sign technique, where when ugly thoughts came, they imagined a stop sign or something. Maybe it was Dee? Maybe that would help you to keep the ugly images from your mind. I know it must be very hard to do, with all the media coverage going on, but I hope you are able to think of her on another day, any other day, when she was smiling and happy and not that one horrible day when it all went wrong. Peace to you dear friend, and just know that you have friends who do know, and understand.

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - I, too, am so sorry. Hugs to you

[hoosiermom]

Crystal, my heart breaks for you, what you're going through. I wish I could offer words of comfort but I agree with Rhonda, just remember Ashlee's smiling beautiful face. She is so much more than the way she died. Hugs to you dear

Jenn

[nicksdad]

[mikesmomrs]

Crystal, my heart breaks for you also. As Jenn said, try to think only of her beautiful smile and how it warmed your heart. It was me who had suggested to Sus that when the raging thoughts come, to imagine a STOP sign and try to hold it up in front of those thoughts, or if that doesn't work, imagine that you have a back door on the back of your head, and when the thoughts come that you don't want to think about, imagine yourself opening that back door and letting them fall out, righ ton through. It sounds simplistic, but when it works, it helps a lot. As for your sister, I agree with Rhonda about your response to the invitation...if you can't do it, then don't. Even if you have to use your surgery and going back to work because you don't think she would understand anything else. Or, no excuse at all...just, "No, I can't at this time." It's really hard sometimes to do that, but in these circumstances, we do have to put ourselves first.

Ashley, Ashley, Ashley...beautiful angel, surround your mom today with the sweetest of memories, fill her heart with your sweet essence. Crystal, holding you close today, sending hugs and strength to you.

Rhonda: thanks for asking about Kim...she is doing much better physically...though totally stressed out about how far behind she got in everything, including income. They are treating what happened as a new exacerbation of her Crohn's, with the same meds, etc., that she took before the surgery she had five years ago, this month actually. But, she says she gets stronger every day and she and her girls are unfortunately accustomed to some adversity, so they are strong, all of them, and things will get better.

Sus: Of course, a lot of what you are feeling and going through is grieving, and adjusting to other losses, as well...and part of the "new normal" we all have to move towards, going through much to get there. Someone mentioned a while back that you were likely also grieving the loss of your opportunity to be a grandmother. You are having to be mother all over again to three small children...not an easy feat for anyone, let alone someone grieving the loss of their daughter. I have heard, in instances like these, where your doctor can give you an adjunct to your anti-depressant. I know you likely don't want to take more meds, but if what you are taking is not completely doing the job, then perhaps it might help to look into a different regimen. Are YOU seeing a therapist, also? On a regular basis? I would think this would be an important part of your healing...as important as it is for the kids seeing their therapists.

Jenn: Thinking of Titus and his family today...sending hugs and prayers.

Dan: Awesome, awesome composition of Ashley...Crystal will be pleased. You are terrific.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - I need to tell you I'm sorry for what I thought was a message/visit from your Ashlee. Obviously what I thought was revelation and the actual occurrence are two different things. I have no explanation. I honestly thought I was getting a message. And, in passing that on I caused discomfort and confusion. The times I have been right do not make up for delivering a message that is inaccurate. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I pray you strength and comfort.

Rhonda - Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Carol - I forgot about the stop sign. Thank you for posting that again.

[charsng1234]

Crystal , I am new to this site but I still feel your pain today. I am sending you my hugs and lots of energy to get throught this day. I hope Ashley is sending all her love to help you get through today. Sharon.. Shane's mom.... Please forgive me if I dont talk to others yet.. Still trying to get to know who everyone is.. But all please have a blessed day...

[Crystal16]

Sharon,

Glad to see that you are visiting the site daily it is my saving grace and I hope in the near future you feel the same about the individuals on here. I too am holding you tight and wish I could be there to walk beside you as we take baby steps on this journey together. Have you heard anything new about the report?

Susannah- No apology, I'm sure Ashlee is saying to herself why did I allow this to happen to me. I scream out to her all the time why did you allow this to happen!

Carol/ Rhonda/Jenn- I agree Ashlee life story is much more then the last hours of her existence on this side of Heaven. It's hard trying to block those dark moments from overwhelming me, however I will try the stop sign and back door theory, I'm a visual person. Thank you.

Thinking of all my Indigo family...

[ericasmom]

ASHLEY DEAR SWEET ANGEL- Kiss your Momma and sit upon her shoulder as she makes her way through the day, this hard hard day. Give your Little Sis a hug and somehow let her know that you are right there with her, cheering her on to do her best in school and to go on to college. Let the Boy that loves you know that you are always going to remember his devotion and kind heart. All the people who love you dear, let them know that you are near.

Amy I know that this day is one of great pain, marking a year is another unreal aspect to this already abstract time. Blessings Dear.

[mysonrich]

Ashley, Ashley, Ashley..saying your name out loud. Crystal, we will remember Ashley. Warm thoughts sent your way today. Prayers and hugs.

[aim630]

Well about exactly one year ago at this time is when the nurse was telling me Ashley was fine, then one minute later called a code blue. Today I almost felt like driving to the hospital after work to see if we could do this differently & get a different ending this time. I appreciate all your kind words & love the picture you made, Dan. Thank you. I don't know how I would have made it through this past year without all of you.

Crystal-I am so sorry you are going through this now.Sending lots of love & hugs your way.

So far, no baby. I think Nikki would like to get through this day so she won't have to associate her daughter's birthday with her sister's death.

My boss told me they were all thinking about me today, but were afraid to say anything. I guess I understand, if it was not me going through this, I probably wouldn't know what to say either.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[summergirl]

ASHLEY, ASHLEY, ASHLEY - SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD FOR ALL TO HEAR. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL, BRUSH YOUR MOM'S CHEEK WITH A KISS AND LET YOUR FAMILY KNOW THAT YOU SURROUND THEM ALWAYS.

Amy - my heart and thoughts are with you and I pray - I know the pain and suffering you are enduring and I wish I could take some away for you. Hold tight to your loved ones. We are here, we are here.

[summergirl]

Thank you Carol, you are right....maybe we all need a break at one time or another but no matter what I still come here and read.

Suz - we are all different people, never to be who we were....but we can become better, more insightful, more appriciative, more loving, more sympathetic....so much that we can now do that we did not "bother" to do before we lost our child. Oh, I know I would love to be that person again but I cannot be so I am choosing to be a better person, one that my daughter would be so very proud of. I have walked this journey longer then most on here, except for a few, so I understand what you are saying right now but believe me the day will come when you will do all the things you want to do and you will smile without the tears threatening to flow, you will get out of bed and look forward to a beautiful sunny day, you may not believe it now but it will happen.....a softness will over take the overwhelming grief and you will feel alive again. One step at a time my friend.

Crystal - love the idea of the "STOP SIGN". I am so very sorry for what you are dealing with. Tell your sister the truth or tell her whatever you want, no excuses needed, you are dealing with every parents nightmare and to heck with anyone who can not understand that......Hugs to you

We may have to change Tavian's birthday party to Sunday as 2 of the 4 friends had other plans with family....so it will be on Sunday or next Saturday...no matter what we will have a great birthday. So hard to believe he will be 9......he was just 4 when I first came here....seems like a life time ago and yet it seems like just today.

The 911 call - Barry and I were asleep when his fire radio went off and we heard "Full crew needed for adult female, unconscience at Fiddler's Cove" and then the address, and then they called for ALS. We went back to sleep !!!!! Never realizing it was our Jessica they were calling the ambulance out for. All of our friends were on the call that night and they told us they loved her for us the whole way to the hospital. One told me that Jessica smiled at her and then was gone but I know that is not true as the doctor said she went so fast she had no idea, I think she told me that to make me feel better but it did not.........or maybe it should, maybe she did smile as she flew away to the Heavens.....

Love and Peace to all, Kathy

This picture is the last picture taken of Jessica and Tavian together, his 4th birthday, exactly one week before Jessica left us..

[lolynbo]

THINKING OF YOU AND YOURS ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY....

WELL ANOTHER SNOW DAY FOR US TODAY AND TOM...ITS SO FRIKN COLD....HOPING I GET A VACATION THIS YEAR TO A TROPICAL PLACE...HOPEFULLY A CRUISE;;;BUT GOTTA FIGURE TAXES FIRST...

OTHER THEN THAT WE HAVENT DONE A DANG THING...AS I SAID GOT KOURTNEYS KLOSET CLEANED OUT..MOVED TIL WE GET THE FLOORS SUCKED UP AND FIGURE OUT WHAT WE ARE DOING FROM THERE..

HOPE EVERYONE IS WELL....SAFE AND WARM

[charsng1234]

well we still have no report no news. I dont know if I told you all But we do know who shot our son. Not personal but he is a home owner here in town.

I hope that he does not get away with killing my son. No one should die for walking across a yard "wall or no wall." I hope all have a good night ..

sharon..

[Crystal16]

Friday I will sit down with Stacey and do indepth interview... See below link it's a portion of my family's story.

http://www.nbc-2.com/Global/story.asp?S=14001079

Sharon- I pray they arrest the person responsible for your son's death.

[kmb22]

Ashley...Ashley...Ashley...may the warmth of your love surround all of your loved ones today and each day. Amy my thoughts and prayers are with you; hold on tight my friend we're here with you through it all.

[ericasmom]

Crystal, my Goodness how hard this must be for you all. I gather that the pretty woman sitting in court was you and was the gentleman next to you Ash's Dad? I am holding you close as you face such deep pain and have to deal with the media. There is nothing easy about the steps you are taking but the steps are part of your process and may just save a life in the future. Ashlee, please touch your family today letting them know that you are very proud of their efforts and strength.

Sharon, I hope that the person responsible is able to be apprehended. Get some rest whenever you can and know that we are holding you.

Kathy, such a lovely photo of your two loves. I know 5 years marks an inordinate amount of time kath, and wrapping ones brain around it is almost useless. Just breathe and let yourself be as best you can. As far as feeling helpful here, don't worry about that. If you stay and choose not to post much, fine, if you leave for a while because you need to, just do, we all will continue to know you and love you. I left for at least 6 months but could be more like 9 back many years. I could not add anymore stories to my heart, my heart kept breaking with each new one coming. I went for more help and was able then to come back and stay here. To every season...

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - I don't know why I thought Ashlee was 19, Katie is the older sister? I don't even know what to say after watching the news clip. I can't help but think the media might be helpful in exposing the truth about what happened that day. I pray for you constantly...please keep us informed.

Amy - How did your day turn out?

Sharon - Hang in there. This is so rough.

I had a major cry attack today. I was alone and just allowed myself to wail. I think I needed it. Afterward I felt better but was exhausted. I took a nap and then got out of bed and cleaned, picked the kids up and even fixed a good dinner.

Love to you all...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[charsng1234]

crystal I watched the news link I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter beautiful!!!! I hope that you can find some closure after that person goes to jail for life. I will not call him what I really want to. I am up its 11 am here in az having to many panick attacks. Took a sleeping pill hope it works.

[mikesmum]

Dylan the .22 caliber rifle from Walmart for his 18th birthday

I read these words in total disbelief. Here something for your 18th might be a licence to drive or a night out with friends....but buying a gun from 'Walmart'.....frightening.

Crystal - I wish you strength over these coming days, weeks months as the circus come to town.

Sharon - May you also find the strength as you await the reports that might shed some light as to why your son is no longer here.

Saw the movie Hereafter today. When it finished I forgot 'what I was Hereafter'. Didn't like it much.

Still in the hills.....

On a lighter note... Miss Jeya attended kinder for the first time yesterday. She told mum she didn't need to get out of the car... she could go home and wait till kinder finished. I spoke to Jeya last night. The learnt all about frogs on their first day. Where they live, what they eat and where they come from. So much knowledge in a 1/2 day...

[Guest msnher]

Katie is Ashley's sister not Ashlee's sister. I actually woke around midnight realizing my mistake.

Crystal - I hope the truth is exposed. I wish I was pyschic then I could just ask Ashlee what happened. Hang on to us Crystal. You and Sharon have a rough ride (rougher than most) in front of you...we're here to help smooth it as much as we can.

I am discovering I may be the only person on the planet who liked the movie "Hereafter". I'm anxious to buy it when it comes out on DVD. Little Emily off to kindergarten. Learning about frogs. I love it!

Sharon - I hope you got some sleep. I hear panic attacks are part of the package when you lose someone quickly and unexpectedly. Mine seem to have increased instead of decreased. Most of the time I am able to talk my way through them....the stop sign Carol spoke of helps. I literally vocalize exactly where I am, what I am doing and what day it is. Then I pick up the phone and call everyone I love to make sure they're all still alive. I realize I might not be the best example to follow.

Has anyone heard from Leah? She is heavy on my heart lately.

I dreamed about my mother last night. She died 8 months before Steph did. My sisters and I spent most of our childhood living with my grandma until we were separated and put in foster homes just before I turned 10. I was the youngest child and I adored my mother. I did not see her faults. If I was given the choice I chose to live with her while my sisters chose my grandmother. I was 8 or 9 the last time I saw my mother before foster homes. The next time I saw her I was 17. When I was 27 I brought her to Casper to live with us. I was 33 ys old when I finally realized she would never be the mother I wanted and/or needed. But, she loved me as best she could. My dream was about me allowing her to be just who she was, making sure she was comfortable and safe. Even as I type this my mind wanders all over the place reminding me of my failures and defending my failures in comparison to hers....does it matter anymore? I don't think so. Last night is the first time I've dreamt of her since she died. It was a sweet dream.

Well, that's about it from me this morning...love to all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Happy Belly Button Day, Kayla! Love to you Lynn.....

[westleysmom]

Happy heavenly birthday KAYLA DAWN CASPER

Lynn-Wishing you peace today

[hotrod]

Happy Birthday

Kayla

Dear Lynn

[ericasmom]

KAYLA DAWN, the beauty and colors of morning are you.

May you fly high and freely Kayla, and visit your Mom and Brother today, letting them know that you are very near.

[ericasmom]

Hi Indigos. I am at school, have not walked outside for three days, I will instead hit the gym two of those three days. Husband said he would not like me to walk in this frigid stuff, and he is right, it was 10 below this morning, actual temps, and much lower with wind chill. So last night I was here doing conferences wit parents that were scheduled last week but interrupted by our blizzard. Have to make them up. I had 7 last night, 6 the day before, a few scattered before the blizzard and several more to go. I am glad that I have a small group this year, reschuduling is a pain.

I have a new boy in class, seems as sweet as can be, however we call the first two weeks or so the HONEYMOON period. It is the time that some kids with emotional/social issues appear that all is well wehn it isn't. THis child has been to three schools already, and has some big holes in his learning as far as I can see. He is wearing a way too big coat, broken zipper with several hoodies under. He does not have snowpants and have not seen boots. I purchased a pair of snowpants for him and a hat. I gave him an old pair of gloves. Now I would like to contact Mom and see if it is okay with her to give him these things. He wore the hat proudly yesterday, it is a thermal hat, and he wears the gloves without any problems. I don't want to give him the snowpants until I talk to her though, she could feel that it is out of place. He has a smile that would melt an igloo.

PANIC ATTACKS- when they occur, try to use a small brown bag (lunch bag) or simply cup your hands, and place it over your nose and mouth and breath into it. As you do you will breathe in more air than you were getting oxygenating your system, relieving some of the symptoms of the attack. We don't always realize that we breathe in a shallow manner which often makes the panic start up, not that the thoughts and emotional horror doesn't cause it too, but if you can combat the physical reaction to it, chances are you will less jittery and exhausted by this.

[shorty16]

Kayla, Kayla, Kayla

Thinking of you and your Mom today - Sending love to you Lynn

Colleen

[sadmomm]

Hello I am new to this group. Reading does seem to ease my mind. But the sadness is day in and day out. My son died. And a part of me died with him. My thought are constantly on the accident and how to prevent it. Though it seems sensless because he is gone. My mind doesn't want it. As I awake every day after this horrble tragedy. It is always the same. Always sad. he didn't live with me and the guilt is real. No one can deny me that. We all should have done more. The guilt will make me a better person. I wish he was still here. As we all do. Love to all of you and all our families. Life will never be the same. Morgans MOM

[Guest msnher]

Dear Morgan's mom, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. You have come to the right place. Please tell us about him when you are able.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[sadmomm]

Dear Morgan's mom, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. You have come to the right place. Please tell us about him when you are able.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[sadmomm]

Hi Stephanies Mom I read your posts. And the others. It is nice to have friends friends that understand. I know others don't know how we feel. But I know everyone here does. It is difficult to talk about. Carrie Morgans mom

[Crystal16]

Good afternoon all,

Yes that was me sitting in the court room praying I would keep it together. My ex, Dave, was beside me looking like he wanted to hurt someone. We have a long road ahead of us. I so want to be able to articulate to the media, court, the governor or anyone else we need to commission the importance of tighter gun control laws in the state of Florida.

Trudi- It broke my heart when I found out the mother bought Dylan the rifle and did not have it locked. There were other children in the home besides my daughter that could have grabbed it and pulled the trigger.

Sharon- How are you sweetie, I hope today you were able to have some peaceful moments.

The circus is an excellent Illustration of how I feel the upcoming months.

Carol, Susannah, Kathy, Dan, Greg, Dee, Betsy, Betty, Amy, Lorri, Karen Rhonda and Colleen thinking of you and praying you have a peaceful day.

[Crystal16]

Dear Morgan's mom,

Sorrry you are here love it's a journey we all did not want to be on.Everyone on here is a blessing, they continue to help me through my tragedy I too loss my daughter, Ashlee to a senseless death five months ago. I pray you stay with us and we struggle, scream, cry and do life together. When you are ready please share your son with us.

[lolynbo]

THIS IS WHAT OUR BILL BOARD WILL LOOK LIKE...(DIGITIZED)...IM SO EXCEITED...THERE ARE SEVERAL THRU TOWN AND IT WILL CYCLE THREW THE BILLBOARDS IN TOWN FOR 3 DAYS....

[Crystal16]

Kayla, Kayla, Kayla bring love and peace to your mom and family today. Wrap your arms around them and let them feel your presence.