Loss of an Adult Child

February 3, 2011

Thanks for all the support my family and friends can only help so much. I had knee replacement done a couple months ago. I just started taking care of my knee again. I read the story from the mom that missed her daughters texts, I know how she feels. I also decided to creamate my son, It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.. I look at the box and think this is all I have now! people think I should feel better having him home. HA He is not home I have a box of ashes... The most frustating thing is someone told me a man just got arrested for drugs he got 15 yrs.. My son got shot in the head from a distance and the man still walks free. We get no calls from no one. I have no help here were I live No one to go to I am so happy I found this page. I get so sick , than cry, than yell. I am mad at my son for leaving me. Is that normal? I remember the last time I talked to him was 10 pm friday night. I did not tell him I loved him. I told him to be safe, I wish I couls see him warn him go back in time. Miss him so much everyday gets harder not better!!!

February 3, 2011

Sharon - You are completely normal in this abnormal situation.

February 3, 2011

Sharon-I'm so sorry for your loss of your handsome son Shane and the pain you are in right now. My son Westley died 1/13/2010 in his sleep at a friend's house. He still lived at home and I still haven't touched his room, except to occasionally vacuum and dust. His death is the most painful thing that I've ever had happen to me in my life. It is still happening, he's still gone and he always will be. Some days are worse, and some days are not as bad, but he is gone in all of them. The group of friends here that I have made since June when I found the site are the best, they understand the loss of a beloved child. I hope that coming here will help you walk this path that we are on. What ifs and Why didn't I? will drive you crazy, but if you find out a way to stop the thoughts, let me know. I still do it all the time. Peace and hugs to you.

I kept posting last night, and losing it, so I finally decided I was too tired and went to bed. My daughter called me laughing after she picked up my granddaughter at day care. She said that there was a man picking up two little kids and while he was leading them down the hall, he said "Are you ready to go to Nana and Papa's?" which is what my granddaughter calls me and my husband. My daughter said she looked down and saw that bottom lip trembling, and all of a sudden, GD yells "They're MINE!" at the top of her voice and starts running down the hall to straighten out these pretenders to the throne who had the nerve to think they were going to her Nana and Papa's. My daughter had to restrain her and explain that these children had their own Nana and Papa and were going to see them at their house, not to be confused with (the real) Nana and Papa. We laughed so hard. I sometimes feel like I'm not "here" enough for her, sometimes its so hard when she does or says or looks like Westley when he was little. She looks more like her Mom, but you know how little kids can sometimes do something and it makes you think of when your's were little.

I just finished reading The Deep End of the Ocean. I'd never seen the movie, so I thought I'd read it before I tried to watch it. I don't know if I believe that missing is worse than dead, I just can't imagine missing any more than I could dead before it happened to my child. I wish I had no idea and that none of you did either. Have a good day and stay safe and warm all.

February 3, 2011

Good Day to my fellow indigo pals!!!

Other than being really cold, the sun is shining and that is a good thing.

This Monday, February 7th, 2011 is the 3 year angelversary of my Mother. She died of breast cancer 4 months before my son, Brian. 2-7-2011 is also Bethany's Birthday - a tough day for two Indigos here.

The loss of my Mother does not seem to cut as deep as Brian's death. Brian was only 16 - I still ask myself "How does a 16 year old kid die?" - I will never know the answer to that question - as long as I am alive.

I miss my Mother terribly. Her and I used to laugh so hard we could not breath. I miss that. It took a long time for us to be good friends - because she was my Mom and she did the Mom things - not always what I wanted (but needed.)

Take care my friends, and if your Mother is still alive - give her a call -

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

February 3, 2011

Rhonda, so good to see you today. You say things in a way that sums things up for many Rhonda, and I love that about you. The fact that you said: Some days are worse, and some days are not as bad, but he is gone in all of them. Those words hit home for even one so many years out from the actual horrendous event that stole Erica from us. I love that your Grandgirl thought that some other kids were going to your house, love the way the minds of young ones work. And yes, I see Eri in the faces or actions of my many great nieces and nephews, and I am sometimes brought to my knees by it, and sometimes I am filled by great joy from it.

Sharon, try to take care of your knee even though it may seem like "WHY BOTHER". It may be that you have many years on this earth, so it may as well be that you are not in physical pain from something that you can actually help along. Because this happened so recently that Shane was killed, have you been in and out of conversations with police? Are they looking for your Son's killer? Are you expected to return to work soon? Many here found that going back to work was un-doable, so find out if you can reduce your hours or work from home for a time and still retain your job. As far as yelling at your Son, NORMAL for this sad time. We get angry when our Kids do something that puts them in harms way. If you don't acknowledge the anger, it still is there underneath all the sadness and will have to be dealt with someday. THere is nothing easy about grieving and mourning and living in this new very hollow time, but as I have done for 7 years now, I promise you that one day, no telling when but one day, you will begin to feel the sun on your face again, you will even laugh again, listen to music and dance again, you will find Shane's light and live in it. It will never be as it was, how could it, but you will make it something new when your heart and mind and spirit are able. There is a lot of energy that will be needed before then for grief, so keep up with drinking water and juices, eat small meals when you can, try to get some exercise just to invite the natural endorphins to work through you, and come here whenever you can to get a reality check. It is here that you can find that what you are feeling is normal, that you are doing as we all have done, struggling to find out how to breathe and walk again, it can't happen quickly but it can happen. We are holding onto your hands and heart.

February 3, 2011

Hi Col, I forgot to mention that I loved your cellphone story. Goodness, what a tough phone, should be used for an advertisement for the phone. Glad he can still make and receive calls. I know that Monday will be hard for you and very hard for Marcia as she and her husband send wishes for their Beautiful Daughter heavenward. My Mom died the summer before my Daughter died. I am glad for your good relationship with your Mom, so I tip my hat to her and to you.

Peaceful day to you all

February 3, 2011

Amy, i am pasting some book titles that may help Katie...There are many, the first one has more to do with loss when the kids are younger, but all of them are rated quite highly and there are many more.

Unspoken Grief: Coping With Childhood Sibling Loss [Hardcover]

Helen Rosen Helen Rosen (Author) › Visit Amazon's Helen Rosen Page Find all the books, read about the author, and more. See search results for this author Are you an author? Learn about Author Central (Author)

Sibling Loss [Paperback]

Joanna H. Fanos Joanna H. Fanos (Author) › Visit Amazon's Joanna H. Fanos Page Find all the books, read about the author, and more. See search results for this author Are you an author? Learn about Author Central (Author)

The Loving Tree [Perfect Paperback]

Patricia Moran Kennedy (Author)

Sibling Grief: Healing

Recovering from the Loss of a Sibling Katherine Fair Donnelly after the Death of a Sister or Brother [Paperback]

P. Gill White P. Gill White (Author) › Visit Amazon's P. Gill White Page Find all the books, read about the author, and more. See search results for this author

February 3, 2011

Sharon - I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Shane. He will live on in your mind and heart forever. You have come to the right place. People on this site saved my life. You will learn as time goes by you are still normal; just a new normal. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

To everyone else - Thinking of you all and I hope everyone is safe and warm and dry.

I love each of you more than you will ever know.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

February 4, 2011

Well i barely made it through today. The police were supposed to give us an answer last monday, they told me they would be prosecuting this man than call us. No calls again. I have called anyone that would listen to me. I even called the mayor... of course no call back. My husband called the chief of police he was at a retirement party!! I thought how nice my son is dead and your at a party. So after that I shut my phone off took a pill to sleep and slept for a couple hrs. I had a dream of my son he walked into the door and told me he was going to hang out with friends.I grabbed his hand and cryed and kept kissing his hands, thats what I did at his funeral kept kissing his hands and face telling him how sorry I was fori t happened to him.. It should have been me not him. I have a hard time getting up I have to think of shane not being here with me. My saddest thoughts are he always seemed angry with me. No matter what I did I was a nag. I just loved him so much I wanted the best for him. I am having such a bad day cant look at his pictures hurts so bad.

February 4, 2011

Dee-Thank you so much for taking the time to post the book suggestions for Katie! I think I will order a couple of them for her. Within a week of losing Ashley, I was on Amazon ordering books about parental grief. One of the best, in my opinion, was Beyond the Tears by Ellen Mitchell. I have re-read it several times. I may try to find her a support group for siblings, but I don't even know if one exists around here. She seems fine today, but we all know how one day can be ok, and the next not ok. Rhonda said it best: Some days are worse, and some are not as bad, but he (or she) is gone in all of them.

Sharon-I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Shane and that you have a reason to be here. I joined about 2 wks after my 23 year old daughter Ashley died almost exactly one year ago (2-9-10). She died from complications of H1N1, mono & pneumonia. This year has been the absolute worst of my life, but without the people here, I could not even imagine how I would have made it this far. For a long time, I read more than I posted, but now I feel like the people here are family, sharing the worst possible pain. Please let us know more about Shane. I am sorry he will not be here for the birth of his child, and that you don't get to see him be a father. I hope you are close to the baby's mother, and will get to be part of its life. There are so many things we are all going to miss since our children did not get to live a long life. I also feel guilt about things I said or did before she died. I think we all feel that, even if there is nothing we should feel guilty about. I also had Ashley cremated, but for months I could not put her ashes out. I think I thought it would be less real if I did not have to look at them every day. Please continue to read & post when you feel you can. Although we can't take away your pain, we do understand it, and try to comfort each other the best we can.

Rhonda-I told Katie about your granddaughter thinking someone was going to try to take her Nana & Papa, and she laughed out loud. Little children are so funny sometimes.

Colleen-I know how much you must miss your Mom, and losing Brian so soon afterwards had to be unbearable without even your mom to lean on for support. I miss my dad and thought HE was too young to die at 66. I never dreamed Ashley would barely make it past her 23rd birthday. It makes no sense at all for a 16 year old or 23 year old to die, or for any of our children to die before us.

Carol-I tried to watch the video of Damon, but my computer is ancient, and I could not get it to play. Maybe I will try later.

Karen-the animal video made me laugh out loud. Today was a bad day, and that was just what I needed.

Hope everyone stays warm. I know several people who have recently fallen on the ice & have had to go to the hospital, so be careful driving (and walking!).

Goodnight,

Amy/Ashley's mom

February 4, 2011

Poor Katie: how hard it must be to lose a sibling, and to watch your parents in pain. And to be those parents and watch your child in pain. I know that even for my aged mum (71), seeing me suffer alongside the loss of her only granddaughter can be more than she can take. Mum worked in palliative care for a long time -- esp in the early day of the AIDs epidemic, when it was still a death sentence. She was an inaugural nurse at Toronto's first AIDs hospice and she saw a lot of lovely people die. Having a grandma who could negotiate the healthcare system (which can be quite byzantine) seemed like it would be a help when Amelia got sick again, but mum just couldn't do it. She noted that health care professionals never expect to lose their own loved ones. Perhaps this was why some of the hospital workers were so uncaring.

So, Shane's mom, yes your anger is legitimate...I remain angry at the indifferent hospital workers (security threw me out of the hospital twice when I freaked about the care she was getting). This will seem like a strange strategy, but I reserve my anger for rude people I don't care about so that I don't accidentally take it out on my loved ones: it can be very cathartic to tear a strip off someone who cuts in front of you in line, or doesn't say "thank you" when you hold the door open for them, or generally doesn't give a flying one.

I still won't drive by the hospital because I want to go in there and scream at the emerg room attendants about their insensitivity (in Ontario, there is no "Admitting Department" and everyone, even if you know what's wrong with them, has to be admitted through Emergency, which can take 8+ hours).

For those of you who spoke of your own beliefs, how I envy you. My whole life changed when I lost Amelia: I changed careers, moved house (several times), broke up with a longtime boyfriend, and became a basically sadder human being. I call it the Big Sad. When I hear her voice (once or twice) or have dreams about her or think about the odd circumstances of her death (the night before she was finally going to move out, all the family was gathering at our house that morning anyway, along with her boyfriend and his friends to help her move), I sometimes agree with my mom who says she saw a lot of cases when people "decided" it was time to go. Of course a chronic (but allegedly not terminal) illness is much different from murder/accidents.

To be a parent is to worry. Especially if they are ill and in pain. I remember thinking, not with relief but just an observation, that I didn't have to worry any more when she died. I miss that worrying.

Those reading this can probably tell I'm something of an egghead (university prof, was broadcast producer before the CE -- Catastrophic Event, as it is known in psychiatric terms). I found this book, although it is a bit heavy on the Freud, very helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/New-Black-Mourning-Melancholia-Depression/dp/1555975429/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296784510&sr=8-1

It talks a lot about trying to love someone who isn't there any more and how other cultures deal with grief. I think mourning parents should get to wear blue armbands (since black is more for a natural loss), and then we don't have to explain to people why we can't remember their name or even why we opened the fridge door.

Because of the one-child policy in China, parents who lose their only kid receive a stipend (the cultural assumption being that the child would have looked after the parents in old age). This photo demonstrates the culture around child-loss in China:

http://www.time.com/time/picturesoftheweek/0,29409,1810429_1718086,00.html

The official, clearly shamed, had apparently allowed a local school to be built with inferior materials and many parents lost their only child -- the worst thing imaginable. Does anyone on this side of the globe who hasn't been through this really understand it?

Because I had Amelia so young, my friends who did have children only had small ones. Many treated me as if I was contagious or toxic -- the tragedy best not considered and myself best avoided. And there is also the anger -- why can't you look me in the eye? why must you talk of how trying your toddler is? Don't you effing get it? You are so lucky your baby is still alive. Stop complaining about their tantrums and get on with it. Some of us will never know "joy" or "fun" or that special connection again -- stop gazing at your bellybutton and moaning about how "hard" it all is ...

Apparently that is my anger as well....but even when she was at her low point illness-wise, I never thought I would lose her. Who can conceive of such a thing? It's not a journey, it's not a lesson, it's not "she was needed somewhere else" (as her boyfriend so plaintively put it, "What, 'somewhere else' couldn't wait 50 or 75 years?").

Anyway, for those of you who have read this far, thanks for hearing a bereft (great word) mom vent. I was doing one of those little '25 questions' things on facebook and one question was, 'what are three things people call you?': Al (my close friends), Miss (my students -- I'm insisting that they cut this out as I'm almost 50) and 'Mummy' (but not anymore and that is he saddest thing of all).

February 4, 2011

Just take a minute to sleep on the otherside of the world and you all post!

Sharon - Welcome to the one place none of us ever imagined we would be. Sorry is such an understatement. To lose your son, to have him taken in such away. Everything you are feeling, thinking and long for is part of this journey. Being here, with those who know, you will find a place where you have support, understanding and on some occassions answers to things that plague your every thought. Even when you are surrounded by people, alone is all you have. Here you aren't alone, you are with a 'family' unlike any other you have ever experienced. I hope you are able to tell us more about your boy. Are you incontact with his partner? Will you be able to be part of your grandchilds life? Either way....your boy like all our children are so much more than that one day...

Dee - Our Earth Mother tending to those who have angels easing the load on this journey. Have I ever told you you're amazing. Your words, your knowledge your being.....just amazing...love ya.

Bealison - Well I did read through your post. For me the struggle was between being the 'trained professional' who dealt daily with people in crisis and being the mum on the otherside of the CE. I had been married for 6 weeks to an Intensive Care Paramedic when Mike died. He attended. Not the stuff easily 'overcome' in the first year of marriage. I still 'internally rage' on occassion when the 'mother' in me collides with the 'Emergency Medical Dispatcher'. That fallout is less as the years pass, but it still burns within. I too get frustrated when people wax lyrical about their 'difficult days' with kids. Pls... As for the 'what are three things people call you', well I found after Mike died I was known as 'mother of the deceased'. A term I had seen and even used in reference to something work orientated. How I hate that term. I will always be Mike Melissa and Steven's mum.

Rhonda - Love the new Avatar. Handsome dude your Shawn. I read the Deep End of the Ocean and saw the movie. I wonder sometimes if not knowing what happened and never finding your lost child would be the cruelest loss. Having spent many months in denial that Mike had gone then realising that was all there was was hard. But living with that 'maybe' till the end of time would be harder. Not being able to 'lay your child to rest' so to speak excruitating.

Carol - The musical influence of his dad no doubt. Guessing that tattoo'd arm belongs to his dad? Or is there something you aren't sharing.

When I logged on today it was so nice to see faces I hadn't seen for awhile. Sonya and Betty....Danielle & Steven amongst you. I think of you all often, the snow storms hitting hard from what we hear 'downunder'

Well Indigos the cyclone up North has come and gone. It has devestated plantations of sugar cane, bannanas and destroyed many many homes and communities. The loss of life as I write is nil. But they are still to go through the inland towns and smaller communities. Mother Nature certainly has focussed on us these past months. Prayers for those who have faced these challenges many times over in the past couple of years.

For us in Victoria, well two years ago where were surrounded by fires that took many many lives. Now we are surrounded by floods with tropical rains and humidity.

I am to the bay for 2 days then onto hopefully and extended period. Will take you all with me as I stroll the coast looking for signs of the amazing......Trudi and MD.

February 4, 2011

well its almost 8pm thursday night, dreading friday to come. I watch the time waiting for 1:18 am to come and go knowing that was around the time my baby boy was taken from me. Its funny people tell me he was not a baby!! I said all my kids are my babys they always will be even when there in there 50;s. I am watching american idol I used to love the show now its just me watching with no emotion. I am sorry if I dont remember names of the wonderful people on here, I am lucky to remember my name. So are there some books out there that can help me? Has anyone ever gone to talk to a profesional before and if so did it help? I am so tired of crying for no reason. I want my life back, who I used to be.. I want time to rewind I know we all feel that way. I sit here in my room with my thoughts no one here understands me, I feel bad for lashing out at ppl. Oh we did get to talk to the police we can have the report tomorrow. I am scared to see it but need to see it, please pray for me my new family to find strengh to do what I need to do. good night all.. and thanks again for being here for me.

February 4, 2011

Dear Indigo's - Hello to all, I have been reading and am so sorry that others have joined us on this journey....it breaks my heart and I get so upset.....so unfair.

I cannot post much as I am not up to it....the saddness has over taken me, body, mind and soul and I have no energy to spare. I woke at 5:30 this morning sobbing but no idea of what caused it unless I had a dream that I do not remember...... My mind is constantly with Jessica and all of the questions are flying at me, I seem to have backtracked to the day I lost her and the days following when I was repeating "why, why, why" over and over again.....I need to get it together, enough is enough, Jessica is not a happy girl right now as she would not want me to be this way so I try again tomorrow to find a bit of something to soften this pain.

I love you all and I am sorry for being the downer.....so many more people are worse off then me so "feeling sorry for me" has to stop. I will be back I promise when I feel better.

Love, Strength and Peace, Kathy

The pic is Tavian and I when he was 5,,,,,seems like yesterday

February 4, 2011

Trudi, so sweet your words, almost like an actual hug from my downunder little sis. Thanks Mate. Go seaside and let the surf be your music.

I agree with you Trudi, that never knowing where a child is would be the worse thing I think. To never be able to know...impossible.

Kathy, lovely photo of you and Tavian. It seems the aniverssary is going to have its way with you. We have all been there Kathy. You can't know ahead of time how you are going to be as you lead up to the dates. Jess is with you in so many ways. Close your eyes tonight adn maybe she will come in a dream and let you feel the lightness of her spirit.

Alison, you have been through so much, I am just glad that you have found us here so that you have a place to lay your weary bones a few times a day. I feel new stores of oxygen when I come here to hang out. Refreshed by the love and respect here. By the undying love adn the constant care.

Shane's Mom, hang in there with the police. It cannot be easy, but none of this is. Hang on and hopefully, the right person will be charged with this crime. It won't be enough of course, how could it be, but it will serve to remove this person from doing more harm for now.

Sonya, so great to see Danielle's face today. I miss you. How are James and Maddie?

February 4, 2011

Sharon, read if you can, The Worst Loss, written by two women, two moms who lost their children. It is powerful and affirming. I have read a lot of memoir because i like that genre so Name All the Animals was lovely written by Alison Smith. Also, Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. There are many but I will only name those three for now. I went to theapy at the 6 month mark of Erica dying and yes, it helped hugely. I stayed for 2 years and left, going back when I experienced PTSD. It helped beyond words to go to therapy and to be here on BI> I also find tha twriting helped me as I kept journal near me to joy down my anger my sadness, my confusion.

Don't ever worry about our names, you neednt add that to your life, just post when you feel like it and in a few months you will know us better.

sleep everyone

February 4, 2011

hi Shaneray 17,

You are so early and horrifically coming into this situation. My heart bleeds. I found the first 6 or so months I tried to "fix" things -- because I am a problem-solver by nature. I was sure there must be a "rewind button" or something I could come up with that would bring her back. When I sold our house a month after her death I worried she wouldn't know where to go when she "came back". Apropos of professional help, I had had a long-time shrink to talk to about other various tragedies in my family (actualy psychiatric treatment is free in Canada, but most of them have long waiting lists, so I held onto this one). She'd known me for 20-odd years and came to the memorial -- so I didn't have to start my story fro the beginning. I also saw a trauma counselor -- and your situation sounds beyond traumatic -- I'm not sure how much any of this helped, but it didn't hurt to have someone validate one's feelings of "yeah, this is complete crap and you really don't deserve it". I found the peer bereavement counsellor (from Bereaved Families of Ontario) less helpful as we were very different (she had a surviving child, was a Christian). I asked for another person from the Bereaved Families folks who had had an only child and met a lovely woman who guided me through her own process (she was 8 years in and only just coming up for air). The overall consensus, and I imagine others here would have thoughts on this, is that it doesn't necessarily get better, but it will be different. What me and my ex, Amelia's dad, call "the new normal."

It all becomes some kind of awful childrearing in reverse. At first you count the days, then the weeks, then the months, and, I guess, ultimately, the years. Like the way we talk about the beginnings of they're lives they're 15 weeks, 3 1/2 etc. etc. I realized with nauseating shock that Jan 1 of this year marked 1000 days, and I still can't go more than ten minutes without thinking of her. Our futures have been stolen from us.

Shortly after my girl died, I came across this poem, which describes the feeling that persists:

The Cold Hill Side

by Rachel Hadas

As months and years accumulate,

I miss you more and more.

Forgetting where I put the key,

I sometimes find a door

and other times feel stunned and lost,

though living in my own

body and life, presumably,

bewildered and alone

as the knight, kidnapped and released

to a dim world, who said

And I awoke and found me here

on the cold hill side.

The last stanza is an allusion to a not-great (in my opinion) Chaucer poem about a knight who loses his lady love. But the this poem speaks so well to loss, I see it as being more about death. I find it ironic that drugs can treat depression, shyness, impotence, but no one's come up with a drug that takes away that "missing" someone.

I can also suggest Joan Didion's "The Year of Magical Thinking" about losing her husband. It is a clear-eyed look at grief, but her hubby was old and a heavy drinker. Like me and selling my house, she wouldn't put her husband's shoes away for a year after he died, because what would he wear on his feet when he came home?

If you do find a good read about loss, please share. I've found most books about losing a child maudlin and too new-agey.

So many times I've been told "I can't imagine what you're going through." Now it is my turn to say that....the idea of a child being murdered is a horror upon an already unbearable horror. The "why, why, why?" that all bereft parents have is exponentially increased by the violent and senseless circumstances. I'm so, so sorry for the cruel and pointlesss loss of your baby boy. Allow yourself rail at the universe, scream into pillows, shake your fist at the gods if that is what you feel like doing...anyone who would judge you for that is not worth knowing. Or find your solace where you can...friends, spiritual advisers, shrinks, long walks where you cry without caring what passersby think, smelling his scent on his clothes, a bottle of wine, some pictures/evocative music and a very good cry. Or reminisce with friends and laugh about the good times, write him emails, seek out his friends and ask them to tell you about how they saw him. I don't mean to be presumptuous, and please take what I'm saying with a grain of salt, everyone has their own approach to grief and you will find yours.

February 4, 2011

Dear Indigo's - Hello to all, I have been reading and am so sorry that others have joined us on this journey....it breaks my heart and I get so upset.....so unfair.
I cannot post much as I am not up to it....the saddness has over taken me, body, mind and soul and I have no energy to spare. I woke at 5:30 this morning sobbing but no idea of what caused it unless I had a dream that I do not remember...... My mind is constantly with Jessica and all of the questions are flying at me, I seem to have backtracked to the day I lost her and the days following when I was repeating "why, why, why" over and over again.....I need to get it together, enough is enough, Jessica is not a happy girl right now as she would not want me to be this way so I try again tomorrow to find a bit of something to soften this pain.
I love you all and I am sorry for being the downer.....so many more people are worse off then me so "feeling sorry for me" has to stop. I will be back I promise when I feel better.
Love, Strength and Peace, Kathy
The pic is Tavian and I when he was 5,,,,,seems like yesterday

February 4, 2011

Kathy do not say sorry for how you feel. I am numb so angry.I understand about the energy I had to come home today take a sleeping pill and sleep. I think about my son always every day every minute. I know I keep asking why why why?? I will never understand why this man murderd my son. I feel so guilty he was all alone it was so cold out he was scared. I was not there for him. I have to try to deal with that thought every day. I am so sorry for your loss. And your not a downer and we are all on the same boat.. no better or worse we all lost our babies somehow. I hope things get a litlle better for you. shanes mom, sharon..

February 4, 2011

Alison-I was angry at what I felt was unresponsive medical care when Ashley died. She had been in intensive care for 2 months, and I loved those nurses-they washed & fixed her hair & polished her nails even when she was in the medically induced coma. They called it "having a spa day". Then she got moved into the stepdown unit & though we were all so happy she was out of intensive care, the nurses there just weren't as attentive. I know they had a lot of patients to deal with, but they had my daughter's life in their hands. The morning of the day she died, the doctors said she could finally have an Icee, or a popsicle (the first time in 3 months she had any kind of food at all). I brought it to her & the nurses said she could not have it right then because her heart rate was too high. They were trying to get her to calm down first. Ashley kept insisting she was calm, she just wanted her slurpee. I suggested to the nurses that maybe her blood clot had traveled & they said no, it could not be that because she was on blood thinners. Eventually her heart rate dropped to about 40 bpm, then zero, and I was panicking & the nurse turned to me & told me to calm down, she's fine, then took one look at her & called a code blue. Two months after she died, my husband had to have surgery for a cancerous tumor on his kidney (stage 1, he should be fine), but I totally panicked in the hospital (not the same one Ashley was at). His heart rate was a little high, and I was sweating & could hardly stand up, and the nurse again told me to calm down, & I told her the last time someone told me that, my daughter was dead within the next hour. One of the first thoughts I had when I knew there was nothing more they could do for Ashley(not relief), was I could quit worrying now. The worst had happened. I had worried for 3 months, every day, sometimes now I don't even know how I got through it. Of course, now I would rather worry every day, then know there's no hope at all. I also find myself taking my anger out on rude people now. Before I would just stand by & say nothing, but now when someone cuts in front of me in line, I will say what I think. I think the poem you shared does describe my feelings. I was also very young when I had Ashley (about 18 and 1/2), and I had Katie when I was 24, so most people my age have younger children. I get annoyed when they complain about petty things. My boss is having problems with her adult son, and she turned to me about a month ago & said "Aren't you glad you don't have to deal with this?" I was speechless. Thank you for sharing Amelia's story, I watched the video & had tears in my eyes.

Sharon-You are so new to this journey. I do hope you have the strength to deal with the days ahead. Not only do you have anger for the terrible circumstances all of us are in, you have the added grief of knowing someone's stupid & heartless actions were the cause of the loss of Shane. I have not tried counselling, but it is definitely worth a try.I know it has been helpful to a lot of the others here. I also have been on antidepressants, and although they may take the edge off, so to speak, the pain never goes away & there's not a minute I don't think about Ashley constantly. I know it is pointless to tell you this, because we all have gone through it, but please don't feel guilty. We all wish we could have protected our children, but short of keeping them locked in their rooms (and even that wouldn't help in the case of some illnesses), there are circumstances that are totally beyond our control. I will be thinking about you in the coming days as you read the police report. Hugs to you.

Kathy-Tavian is adorable with his curls. Don't feel bad about your feelings. We all understand. I know Jessica would not want you to be sad, but I'm sure she understands why you are. It must be hard to keep your feelings in check and be strong for Tavian. You have the right to lose it and let all that grief out sometimes. My thoughts are with you as we get through this terrible, miserable, month of February.

This is what has helped me stay sane. Knowing I can say anything I want here, and someone will understand.

Again, awake at 1:30, and have to be up by 5:30. Sleep seems to be so elusive now, but I better try & get some.

Amy/Ashley's mom

February 4, 2011

I will read later but another GREAT GREAT memoir, PAULA by Isabelle Alende

February 4, 2011

Good Morning Indigos

I am sending another letter out today to a new member of this club that no one wants to belong to. Erin, 21 hung herself at her parents home - she has a 17 month old daughter.

I am drawn to deaths like this, because of the guilt factor. I am trying so hard to get rid of my guilt and I hear about a suicide in a parents home. The guilt that may be felt by those parents is overwhelming.

This letter tells the family about us - The Indigos. The family that came together, because of the worst day of our lives. Now we help each other. If I can make one person realize they are not alone in this - I will have done my job.

Say a prayer for Jerry and Rochelle Connor and their daughter Erin.

On a happier note: Everyone is wearing their green and gold on Sunday for the Packers Super Bowl win - Right?????

Take care my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

February 4, 2011

I've tried to respond to everyone a few times but keep getting interrupted and lose my place. Alison - thank you for your wise words to Sharon. I needed to hear them, myself. I have to make this quick because the kiddos will be back in here any second. I just want to send hugs and good thoughts to all of you. Sharon you are as normal as can be in this torturous situation. There just isn't an easy way through it all as we sort through the plethera of emotions that seem to suffocate the life right out of us. A counselor did help me. I finally sought a medical doctor's help to get something to help me sleep. I didn't like the pills and threw them away after a couple nights. Stay with us.

Kathy - I'm so sorry for the dark place you are in as you approach Jessica's 5th year of being gone.

Colleen - My heart jumped into my throat when I read another life lost needlessly. I'm so sorry for her parents and that little baby. Bless you for reaching out to them.

Gotta go. Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

February 4, 2011

Sadness Col, for the family of sweet Erin, how sad that she has left not only parents and the adults in her life, but her child. She was in such despair that this seemed to make sense at the time. Poor Baby. I am glad for the show of camardarie you show and offer to the newest to this path.I hope that the family will find themselves with us, knowing that we are a sanctuary of sorts for those whose hearts have been shattered. No, we cannot help the pain go awya, we can acknowledge it and let those in grief know that it is safe to do so here. Our busy lives or the busy lives of others make it so that our lingering in grief is not acceptable. THe made for TV movies, Hallmark and the like, make grief look like a long stop on a trip when in fact it is for all time. It does change and morph and I can honestly with full heart, no longer shattered but a re-build, say that I have joy in my life and can think of Eri in joy now as well. Certainly I have days wehre my tears run wild, but that is okay too, the salt rivers made are evidence to a life well lived.

Amy, sleep was and sometimes still is an elusive catch. I take some days a natural relaxer called: Formula 303 which simply has extra valarian root in it. I don't do well with prescription drugs, hyper-sensitive. Extra Sleepy Time Tea and 303 on some nights. Otherwise, you are going to laugh, but you know the old COUNT SHEEP...lately, and if fact I did this this morning at 3:30 when I was awake, I counted all of you and your Angels. I lay there naming you and your Babies, and I fell asleep. So you guys helped me to sleep this morning.

February 4, 2011

I'm baaaack...

Jasmine took a picture of her mommy to school for show and tell today. We rehearsed what she would say before she left. Its hard for her to tell about her mommy without telling about Tina taking her from her mommy and doing bad things to her. So we practiced just talking about Mommy...who she was, what she did...her laugh. Jasmine smiled and said, "I'm telling them she liked rock and roll!" She did, too. She sang nursery rhyms to the kid in rock and roll fashion. I forwarned her teachers that the picture of her mommy was for show and tell. I can't be there at the time they do show and tell and I'm worried Jasmine will start crying. Her teachers assured me they would take good care of her. I know they will. They've been with us since the beginning...since we got them. They were Mariah's teachers when Tina was hurting them. They knew Tina. They testified at Tina's trial. I love them. They will have Jonathon next year and then they will get my son's kids too. There are two teachers in that class. Jasmine wanted to take the picture of her mommy because she said kids don't believe that her mom was pretty. I miss her so much!

I am discouraged that it still affects me like this. I miss myself. LOL I've turned into a fear based, blubbering slob. I can still kick butt with the best of 'em, but I'll have to rest for a couple of weeks afterwards. LOL.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

February 4, 2011

Sus, don't be discouraged. We will always wish we could be with them hre, we will always miss them, just as we will always love them. How else would you have yourself feel? We have an added dimension to our lives, not one that we want but nevertheless, so we have more angles in our days, harder to get around some of those curves, but we do it because we are still here, we do it because we have work yet to do.

February 4, 2011

Colleen-So sorry to hear of the loss of Erin and the devastation that it leaves behind. I'm thinking my husband will probably be rooting for the Steelers, but I'm going with Green Bay with you. I do not wear green (except really dark green) for the reason that it makes me look very much like I'm going to be sick (apparently I haven't lost all of my vanity). Go Packers!

Kathy-You are never a downer. Tavian is such a cutie, it always cheers me up to see his picture. Isn't he the big fisherman? I guess this time of year is not good for that, especially with this crazy weather. I'm so sorry again for the pain that this big milestone is causing you.

Sonya-Good to see you and Danielle's pretty face, always.

Gotta run, Have as good a day as you can, all

February 4, 2011

Good Morning Indigos

Colleen I am so sorry of Erin and the sad events surrounding the new loss . You certainly do a beautiful service with your message of hope and support

Sharon/b] I am so glad you have found us and are able to express your sadness and know you are supported and heard. . I could not sleep thru the night for many years and coming here and reading saved my sanity. I pray that you receive more answers soon..

Sus I must agree with Dee( as Trudi says ,Our Earth Mother) .. With the loss of our angels we have changed. A new normal has settled in slowly and added another dimension. My true self is still there and I too can "Kick Butt " if necessary one minute, cry the next and then smile at a sweet memory of Stephen . The self that loved and cared and dreamed of that child can find sadness at the loss in a moment. I know that Show and Tell will be very special today and I am so glad that you practiced with Mariah.

Dee I must agree that I am now nearly 4 years into the journey and find I smile much more at the sweet memories of Stephen and cry less. The deep sadness in my heart is always there. That is the missing.

Crystal How are you Home yet?

Rhonda,Sonya, Karen, Amy, Trudi, Carol, Kathy Lorrie Betsy, Beth, Sonya, Sherry, Alison and all Indigos in my thoughts and prayers

February 4, 2011

Morning my new family. I slept last night ok. I woke up a couple times but did not want to start my day yet,. I will get the police report today so scared to see this. It will tell me everything, I want to know but than I don't. Its friday the day I will watch the time knowing it was my sons last day on earth. I just want to keep busy so I dont have to think. I am sorry to hear another person has also found this site, every new story I read breaks my heart. I am making an appointment with a doctor hopefully it will help me some. I hope today goes fast I hate the weekends. Want Monday to come!! I am watching the packers play on sunday its hard cause we are all packer fans. Shane loved them I have had a hard time watching them since he passed. I feel guilty. But I have to watch for shane.. Well thanks for letting me ramble on today..

February 4, 2011

Shaneray Mom - Good luck with the police report today. If you are not up for looking at it today, don't push yourself. Good luck on the football game Sunday I hope your team wins and believe me, Shane will be with you pulling for his team.

Betty - How is your sister doing? Don't you do too much while taking care of her.

Colleen - Too funny about your husband's phone. Glad it still works. So sorry to hear about another family coming into the club. I also try to go and speak to the new mothers in our club that live around me. It's so sad when they see someone that is still living after a couple of years they know it can be done.

Rhonda - your granddaughter is too funny! When Danielle was little she asked me why we said the blessing but we never had lettuce. You know the prayer. God is great, God is good, Let's us thank him for our food. I about lost it then we still laugh about that one.

Dee - James and Mattie are doing great. James is looking into Grad schools. Mattie is just trying to make it through 3rd grade she is too funny.

Sus - I know Jasmine will do great today. You are doing a wonderful job with all 3 of them.

Kathy - My thoughts and prayers are with you this whole month!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

February 4, 2011

Hello all. The "oldies" and sadly the "newbies" It has been a while, a long while since I posted. For some reason today I thought I just needed to. We are getting thru our days. The three year anniversary is coming up March 25. How could it have been three years. We miss our Adam so very much. For those who do not know Adam was our only child and was killed in an automobile accident March 25, 2008 while driving to school. Needless to say we have been devasted. Maybe I'll post again for a while. There are a few that are friends on Adam's FB page, and we keep up with each other. I'm so sorry for those of you who have been forced into this club that no one wants to belong to. As I'm certain some of the longer term members will attest, you learn to live a new normal. A sadder, more somber, quieter version of your old self. Where smiles don't come easily and where there is always an underlying sadness and pain and longing. I've missed you all and pray daily for those who are in this "club". I'll check back in again soon, I promise. Love and Hugs - T (Adam's mom)

February 4, 2011

well its almost 8pm thursday night, dreading friday to come. I watch the time waiting for 1:18 am to come and go knowing that was around the time my baby boy was taken from me. Its funny people tell me he was not a baby!! I said all my kids are my babys they always will be even when there in there 50;s. I am watching american idol I used to love the show now its just me watching with no emotion. I am sorry if I dont remember names of the wonderful people on here, I am lucky to remember my name. So are there some books out there that can help me? Has anyone ever gone to talk to a profesional before and if so did it help? I am so tired of crying for no reason. I want my life back, who I used to be.. I want time to rewind I know we all feel that way. I sit here in my room with my thoughts no one here understands me, I feel bad for lashing out at ppl. Oh we did get to talk to the police we can have the report tomorrow. I am scared to see it but need to see it, please pray for me my new family to find strengh to do what I need to do. good night all.. and thanks again for being here for me.

February 4, 2011

Shaneray17. Honey you are so new on this journey just breathe right now and take it minute by minute. And please don't say you are crying for no reason: You are crying because your heart is broken. You will shed more tears than you ever thought possible. But it is okay to cry, you cry as much as you need to. Tuesdays are my bad day. Adam walked out the door at 7:11AM Tuesday, March 25th and at 7:18AM I got the call we all dred. Mine was from his best friend and she told me Adam had been in an accident. I dread Tuesdays and always will. I'm sure most people don't understand that - affixing a day to dread but it is perfectly understandable to us. We remember the moment and I know at least for me still almost three years out I struggle almost daily to push those thoughts and images out of my head to keep myself from going crazy. It is a very dificult journey. Love you dear and I will add you to my, sadly, long list of prayers. Love n Hugs - T (Adam's mom)

February 4, 2011

Terri, Adam's Mom

WOW, is it nice to see Adam's smiling face. Your family is the one who started taking pictures of the other angels along on trips with you. You would take photos and post them - our angels in areas of the US where we have never been. After you did that for us, I think that was the basis for our 3 boards in Minnesota and the banners now in Nevada. For our new friends, 6 of us got together in Minneapolis Minn in Aug of 2009. It was a magical experience. There we made boards of the angels at that time - 53 angels filled 3 boards. Those boards are at my house, in a safe place.

I miss you, my friend. But I do know you are lurking in the background.

Take care my friend. I am not far behind you in the 3 year mark - June 19, 2011 for us.

Gosh, can I relate the the day of the week thing. Our day was Thursday night, late. We got the call around 9:30 pm and Brian's death certificate states 10:30 pm. I know he was dead before that.

We live a new life now - and we try to do the best we can.

Love to you all.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

February 4, 2011

Today is the first day I feel like I can stand. My doctor said my uterus was three times the size of a normal one. It was bad with huge fibroids. You don’t realize how much you use your stomach muscles until your cut open, every time you sit up, laugh or just try and pass gas it aches.

February 4, 2011

Terri, Adam's Mom
WOW, is it nice to see Adam's smiling face. Your family is the one who started taking pictures of the other angels along on trips with you. You would take photos and post them - our angels in areas of the US where we have never been. After you did that for us, I think that was the basis for our 3 boards in Minnesota and the banners now in Nevada. For our new friends, 6 of us got together in Minneapolis Minn in Aug of 2009. It was a magical experience. There we made boards of the angels at that time - 53 angels filled 3 boards. Those boards are at my house, in a safe place.
I miss you, my friend. But I do know you are lurking in the background.
Take care my friend. I am not far behind you in the 3 year mark - June 19, 2011 for us.
Gosh, can I relate the the day of the week thing. Our day was Thursday night, late. We got the call around 9:30 pm and Brian's death certificate states 10:30 pm. I know he was dead before that.
We live a new life now - and we try to do the best we can.
Love to you all.
Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

February 4, 2011

Colleen: Yes, it was me and my husband who took the angels on our motorcycle tours. And this past June I got my own motorcycle endorsement and my own bike so I spent last summer riding my own as much as I could. Here is a picture of me on my Honda Rebel. A small bike, but I'm not a big girl I needed something I could reach my feet to the ground. I'm glad you have the boards. I have a new plan for this year. I am going to make an angel garden and place angels statues in and around our woods down by the river that runs along the back of our land. I have to find just the right spot and then I will begin my project this spring. I hope to place the angels in the trees and along the rocks, etc. and I will do my best to add everyone. Another reason I'm back :-) It will require some digging and planting of flowers and ferns, etc. maybe even building little shelves to place among the trees. We shall see, and I will keep you posted. I have missed you all, but as you know sometimes we need a break (my break just lasted a long time!) So I will try to post more often, and I'm trying to figure out the new BI board so I don't know if I'm replying correctly or what. Please feel free to educate me on how to do it properly if my posts seem wonky. I've missed seeing your angels' faces too. Love n Hugs - T (Adam's mom)

February 4, 2011

Shaneray 17- My daughter who was 15 was shot in the head at close range. Her boyfriend's negligent act took her from me. I can relate to the nonstop crying and the feelings of despair. I know for sure that the people on this board have helped me in more ways then they know. There is genuine caring and support like no other from the people who post, we are all on the same journey. Be kind to your self and take one minute one day at a time.

February 4, 2011

Sharon---(Shane's mom)----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son Shane. He is indeed a very handsome young man.

I hope that the police report gives you answers to your many questions about your dear son's death. I know what you mean about

actually seeing and reading the report, but I do believe that the need to know how our dear child died overcomes the fear and

anxiety that we naturally feel. My son Davey, age 31, died 7.5 yrs. ago when a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit my son's

car and crushed it---while it was stopped in traffic. I found my way to this site, and only read the posts for almost a year before I

joined in with posts. I have found that it has been a lifeline. This is the place that a broken-hearted parent/relative can come to

and post/read, whenever they choose. Everyone here understands, firsthand, the devastation, pain, and sorrow of losing a beloved

child. So, please come back to BI and be with us here. Also, please take care of your knee after surgery. My mom had that surgery

several years ago, and from what she said, you need to be very careful and really take care of yourself. Peace & comfort, friend.

Dee---Saw pics in the local newspaper of the Lake Shore Drive snowbound cars. Wow. Guess it's not all that surprising for Chicago

people. No fun, though, to be sure. I felt so low today for awhile. Was looking for some quilt border patterns yesterday, and found them,

along with the police report of Dave's accident, in a large brown folder. Don't know WHY I read it again......just needed to. Some things

were so profound.....like: Vehicle #1 ( the semi truck ).....injuries---NONE. Vehicle #2 (Dave's car)....injuries----FATAL. Then, today,

I heard that song by Sarah McLaughlin....."In the Arms of the Angel" on the car radio....(I cried). When I got home, I heard a single crow

calling from one of the trees. He called, and I looked at all the trees, high up, until I saw him. He flew away, and I said "Goodby, my darling"

Sonya, and Terri-----Good to see you here.

Colleen----So sorry to hear of Erin's death. My heart goes out to her parents. So sad. Also, sorry that you are missing your mom.

SUPER BOWL --------YEP-----I'll be for the GREEN BAY PACKERS.....(I'm not too popular here in NE Ohio where there are lots

of Steelers fans, but......oh well !

Amy-----Your story of Ashley's leaving this world is very sad, and I do so understand your anger at the handling of her treatment in

the step-down unit at the hospital. My heart goes out to poor Katie. Sweet girl. Also, I hope that Jeff can help his parents to somehow

take care of the problem of the brother-in-law. Sending thoughts & prayers to you, Amy.

Betty---I do hope that the little squirrel will be alright.

Crystal----Take good care of yourself,......rest, and be easy on yourself so you can recuperate after the surgery.

Karen-----You sound like the kind of person I used to be (not so much anymore)......pulling out shrubs with a chain & a SUV ! My

mom used to say "If you want a job done...do it yourself". She didn't wait.....just tackled the job by herself. A few years ago, when we

were moving from a house to a condo......I had a very LARGE door chest/bureau to give to charity, but they said "no furniture can be

taken down from 2nd story".......my husband had a bad back, and said he could not help. SOooooo, I decided to take that big thing

downstairs myself. Before beginning, I actually said a prayer. I "walked" it out to the hall, down 3 steps to the landing.....bump, bump,

bump. Then down 8 more steps......bump, bump, bump etc. I prayed I wouldn't lose control of it.....if it got away from me, it probably

would have smashed right through the wall at the bottom of the stairs. I got it downstairs.....said another prayer....and my husband

was so shocked when he came home and asked how that huge thing got to the main floor. I told him what my mom said......

"If you want a job done......do it yourself", and told him I did it. Of course I always tried to realize my own limitations......never tackled

any job around the house involving electricity !! Yikes.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

February 4, 2011

Sharon---(Shane's mom)----I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son Shane. He is indeed a very handsome young man.

I hope that the police report gives you answers to your many questions about your dear son's death. I know what you mean about

actually seeing and reading the report, but I do believe that the need to know how our dear child died overcomes the fear and

anxiety that we naturally feel. My son Davey, age 31, died 7.5 yrs. ago when a truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and hit my son's

car and crushed it---while it was stopped in traffic. I found my way to this site, and only read the posts for almost a year before I

joined in with posts. I have found that it has been a lifeline. This is the place that a broken-hearted parent/relative can come to

and post/read, whenever they choose. Everyone her understands, firsthand, the devastation, pain, and sorrow of losing a beloved

child. So, please come back to BI and be with us here. Also, please take care of your knee after surgery. My mom had that surgery

several years ago, and from what she said, you need to be very careful and really take care of yourself. Peace & comfort, friend.

Dee---Saw pics in the local newspaper of the Lake Shore Drive snowbound cars. Wow. Guess it's not all that surprising for Chicago

people. No fun, though, to be sure. I felt so low today for awhile. Was looking for some quilt border patterns yesterday, and found them,

along with the police repost of Dave's accident in a large brown folder. Don't know WHY I read it again......just needed to. Some things