Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

It is really crazy around here with the Packer/Bears game this weekend. Stores are changing their hours to accommidate this game. I LOVE IT. Good luck to all my friends who are Bear fans.

Amy, I love the quote also. A very positive way to look at the rest of our days here without our children.

Dee - I need sun too. The SAD (Seasonal Attitude Disorder) is getting to me.

Trudi/ Ben's Mum - you two are not near the flooding, are you? WOW, I am watching and praying for those families that are now becoming new to this club that has the highest membership dues and that no one wants to belong to. Prays to you two.

Sus - I am sending you prayers of calmness. The teachers want to help. No one wants to make you feel low or useless, because you are far from that. You are a wonderful person who is doing a great job with your life and the life of your husband and grandchildren. As my Dad used to say: "You get more with honey then you do with vinegar."

Also, what love pouring off these pages for Rich - Rich's Mom you must be so thrilled.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Wonderful analogy Michele, mourning being a Grandmom...very thoughtful. Sus, try to keep your defenses down, it is a good thing when teachers notice nuances of the children, and if she is noticing a struggle on Mariah's part, well that means the adults in Mariah's life can hop on the bandwagon sooner. I wish you goodness and a better discussion than you are anticipating.

dee

[Crystal16]

Dee- I was awake at 3:30am restless as well. The full moon is tonight and I get antsy or angry during the full moon always, this morning I woke to irritation and sadness! I’m sure your presentation will be wonderful…. “Not to be concerned.”

Susannah – You’re doing a marvelous job as a grandma and you have every right to question the emotions you are feeling. I scream inside ALL the time… I want to cry and stay in bed for the next year and scream out why GOD why has this happened to us!!! Counseling is a fabulous idea I need to make an appointment to see mine again I feel the same emotions Susannah the great sadness. What does it all mean and if someone asks me again what is wrong I’m literally going to fist a cuff…….

Amy- Thank you for sharing the quote living without our children is a challenge and I'm sure they would want us to press on and live our lives.

Colleen- The game will be awesome I will be glued to the TV…

As stated, I woke this morning out of sorts many emotions flooding my head. I so want to push everyone away I can’t handle being phony. I want to shout, hit and just run away!!!! My two other children depend on me but selflessly don’t think of anything but themselves. My ex husband, still sucks the life out of me woes’ is me my life sucks “no **** Sherlock we lost our daughter.” The ex boyfriend, Rich insecurities continue to drive me away even thou I long to be in his arms. The pending surgery/ bail hearing is weighing me down… I want to contain all these feelings by anxiety medicine and lots of drinking but I know in my heart my spirit tells me it doesn’t solve the problem it mask the issues.

So I press in with all my might and am an emotionally wreck from trying to be strong!

[Guest msnher]

I should take time to read before posting, but I need to share this now...then I'll cry and then I'll read...

I just got back from the meeting with Mariah's teacher. My defenses went down and I just listened as my heart broke. I thanked Mrs Russell for caring enough to bring it to my attention and we will work together to help Mariah. I have already called Mariah's counselor to get her back in counseling on a regular basis. Mariah was supposed to write a paper about volcano's. We studied together at home. She was so excited about the information she learned on volcano's, especially the fact that we live practically next door to the largest volcano in the world...Yellowstone. This is what she wrote for her assignment.

"Dear Mom,

How are you in heaven? Mom, why did you have to die? Mom, did you know that I love you? I miss you so much that you had to die on a four wheeler. Jasmine and Jonathon and me miss you so much that we cry ourselves to sleep. And, Mom what do you do in heaven? Do you like sky scrapers? I love you Mom. I have to go now. Bye Mom. Your daughter, Mariah"

Mrs Russell was more than compassionate and sweet about the whole thing. I voiced to her that I'm a fairly stable woman, confident and secure and in control of my emotions, but Stephanie's death has knocked me off my feet and caused me a near (or actual) breakdown and I'm 52.....why is it we expect a 9 year old not to have a breakdown too? I voiced "Isn't okay for her to crawl into bed and cry for days too?" I said it seems so unfair that we expect children to just carry on and be happy.

As I said, I've called Mariah's counselor and we'll get her back in as soon as possible.

Now, I'll go back and read what you've all written.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Well Sus, Mariah wanted attention, she is seeking help, it cannot become more clear, and this is the way she found she could let you know. SOmehow, she just needed to let the adults in her life know that she is distracted by her Momma's death, she is sad, she is unsure of what her Mom might be feeling...so many things. I am glad taht you are going to get her back into counseling, I would think that after what and who these children have lost in thier lives, they could all use therapy.

Crystal, thanks for your vote of confidence, and thanks for verifying my sleeplessness. It truly has been cloud covered for a week now, can't see the moon but definitely felt it.I am sorry for the many avenues your anxiety is going, you really have a very full plate and I do wish I couldl lift some from it. Prayers.

[ModKonnie]

I should take time to read before posting, but I need to share this now...then I'll cry and then I'll read...

I just got back from the meeting with Mariah's teacher. My defenses went down and I just listened as my heart broke. I thanked Mrs Russell for caring enough to bring it to my attention and we will work together to help Mariah. I have already called Mariah's counselor to get her back in counseling on a regular basis. Mariah was supposed to write a paper about volcano's. We studied together at home. She was so excited about the information she learned on volcano's, especially the fact that we live practically next door to the largest volcano in the world...Yellowstone. This is what she wrote for her assignment.

"Dear Mom,

How are you in heaven? Mom, why did you have to die? Mom, did you know that I love you? I miss you so much that you had to die on a four wheeler. Jasmine and Jonathon and me miss you so much that we cry ourselves to sleep. And, Mom what do you do in heaven? Do you like sky scrapers? I love you Mom. I have to go now. Bye Mom. Your daughter, Mariah"

Mrs Russell was more than compassionate and sweet about the whole thing. I voiced to her that I'm a fairly stable woman, confident and secure and in control of my emotions, but Stephanie's death has knocked me off my feet and caused me a near (or actual) breakdown and I'm 52.....why is it we expect a 9 year old not to have a breakdown too? I voiced "Isn't okay for her to crawl into bed and cry for days too?" I said it seems so unfair that we expect children to just carry on and be happy.

As I said, I've called Mariah's counselor and we'll get her back in as soon as possible.

Now, I'll go back and read what you've all written.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Susannah,

Wow. I guess many people think children don't feel what we do because they keep it inside. What a very telling letter, and an eye opener and learning experience for all of us. It's so wonderful that Mariah has you and an obviously caring teacher.

I'm sure this probably knocked you for a loop, too, but you are doing a great job.

ModKonnie

[kmb22]

Edit

[westleysmom]

Westley was born 22 years ago this morning, at about 5:40 a.m. It was a Thursday, I think. Thursday's child has far to go. I remember looking at the big clock across the room, and thinking, I'm going to be done with having this baby by 6:00. I will not last one minute longer. We are getting ready to get this done. And I did it. I didn't have an epidural, only demerol, and I didn't know what my baby was, since I didn't have an ultrasound. I had no idea that I had a Westley Dee Wall coming. He had thick, dark brown hair that was sticking up all over his head. His head had a soft spot, kind of like a blister on the side of it, where they said I pushed him out too fast, it went away in the few weeks after he was born. I felt bad about it, but I had to get that baby born. He weighed 8 pounds and 6 ounces and I thought he was the second most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. Not that he was less beautiful than my first baby, but that he was also the most beautiful baby, I just saw him second. He was so beautiful, it took my breath away. And we were so happy that we had a girl and a boy and wouldn't have to try again to have one of each. We were a family. And until about 5:20 last January 13, we still were. We'd grown to include my daughter's husband and my sweet granddaughter. And I guess we're still a family, but the mama is broken, and the beautiful boy is gone from our sight. I don't think I'll ever understand this. I don't know why I even try. I'm off work, went to where my husband was working on a big house to see it before the owners moved in. Very nice, but if I had two kitchens, I'd feel twice as bad about not cooking, so I don't want to trade.

Susannah-I'm so sorry that Mariah is having a hard time. I'm glad that the teacher was so understanding, and I hope that you are able to see that you are doing a good job with the kids. I feel as you do, that I'm to old to have little ones about, depending on me for everything and that I screwed up last time and there's no reason to think I would do a better job this time. I would resent not being able to be the fun, indulgent grandma, and having to deal with everyday. You are not lazy, you are tired, and I tell people all the time that I know why young women have babies, they're not tired yet like we are. But you love them and you saved them and they need you. Try to keep getting the rest you need, its not selfish or lazy, its what you have to have to keep giving to them. I wish I could help you somehow besides a pep talk, but just know that you are not alone.

Crystal-Thinking of you as the surgery gets closer, try to take care of yourself so that your recovery won't take as long. I think you said you didn't want to take much time off work, so take care of yourself.

Amy-Guilt is my middle name. I suppose it just comes with the territory, but I feel like everything is my responsibility, even things obviously beyond my control. I tried the other night to do a yoga tape, and while I was concentrating on my breathing, the thought ran through my mind "You can't bring him back" It was like a revelation, crazy as that sounds. I went through the list of things that I could do and this one very important thing that I can't. I can't bring him back no matter how much I drink, or eat, or who I meet, or where I go, or if I don't exercise, or work or laugh or don't laugh. NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS GOING TO BRING HIM BACK. I think sometimes that I think if I'm sad enough or miserable enough, God will let him come back. How self-centered and crazy is that? I don't think I"m trying to blackmail God, but I'm trying to earn the reward of Westley walking through that door. I must be insane, but I think that's what is in my mind.

I haven't been to the cemetery yet, I might wait until this evening and see if my husband wants to go. I am at work, but not working, it was just handy to stop here and check in. I just wasn't sure if I would be able to think straight today. And it looks like I was right.

Leah, Trudi, Bonnie, Betsy, Betty, Dee, Lorri, Karen, Michelle, thinking of you all and everybody I didn't mention and hoping you are doing okay

[Guest msnher]

Thank you all for your words of encouragment. Gary and I are both grateful for Mariah's teacher. She (Mrs Russell) was on Maternity leave when school started this year and Mariah had a sub for the first couple of months, so Mrs Russell and I had not developed a relationship, yet. Defense is my automatic response when I know things aren't right and someone else has the audacity to notice. Fortunately, I had worked through those feelings before we left for school today. I thanked the teacher for caring enough to bring it to our attention.

All three of the kids began therapy the first week they came to live with us. They were put on an "as needed" basis last spring. Mariah has gone maybe four times since then, but I think we need to get her back in every week for a while. Jonathon and Jasmine seem to be thriving academically and socially. Although I feel a deep connection with most of the school staff, I have not felt comfortable around Mariah's teacher and just could not read her very well. She smiled and said "welcome" but the energy said "not really". Today she was finally honest with me - we were honest with each other. I again offered to help in her class but told her I wasn't sure if I was really helping or a distraction. I told her I felt more like a distraction than a help. She agreed! She had been afraid of hurting my feelings so she didn't say anything. I was so grateful for her honesty. I respected her when she told me her time with Mariah is sacred and when I'm there Mariah refuses to listen to her and just listens to me. Which, I already witnessed so I haven't been back to her class. It just feels good to be on the same page with her teacher...as I already am with Jonathon and Jasmine's.

I have some plans in the works of my brain to help Mariah, as well as counseling. We need to do some grief work together. Writing, coloring, beating up cushions, releasing balloons. etc. Plus, Mariah still has a lot of hurt from the two years she was kept from her mother and all the abuse she suffered.

She asked me, after her mommy died, why her mom had to go all the way to Iowa to go to "bible school". That's what we called the drug rehab she was in because it was bible based and Stephanie had to copy scriptures over and over. I didn't care as long as it got her clean and sober. Anyway, when I began to explain, again, to Mariah she stopped me and said "So, she goes all the way to Iowa to get off drugs and leaves us here while we're getting hurt." She has so much to reconcile inside her young spirit.

Well, enough of that for now.

I love a full moon, too! And, I am soooo ready for spring already! Amanda has consented that it is colder in New Hampshire than it is in Wyoming. She said she's freezing all the time now. As it is, it is snowing here today and the roads are quite slick. Yuck!

Love and prayers to all of you,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Happy Belly Button Day, Westley!! Zoom by your mom as you're celebrating today!

Sorry I didn't say that first thing today, Rhonda! I can just picture your 8 lb 6oz baby boy with brown hair sticking up all over. What a gift. Hugs to you.

[mikesmomrs]

Rhonda: thank you for sharing the story of Westley's birth...tears came as I read the sweetness of your story. I am so sorry that your Thursday's child didn't have "far to go," but perhaps for him, the time he spent here was the "far." It took me a while, but I finally took that fact about Mike into my heart and found a corner for it live. Westley's time here was precious to you, and something you will always have in your heart...always. Nothing or no one can ever take that away from you.

WESTLEY...WESTLEY...WESTLEY...saying his name, remembering his life and all of the days that the earth was blessed with his presence. Westley, please brush your mother's cheek with your essence, let her know you are near, and have a very happy birthday with all of our angels, there in Heaven.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: my heart to you, and to you sweet little ones...prayers for Mariah to be able to eventually sort out these confusing things that are in her mind, and let her heart show her that she is very loved.

love and prayers, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

WESTLEY, again your name spoken by many this week, the times of your birth and your leaving so very close. You are an amazing energy Westley, you spur others on in your light. Keep your lights shining sweetie Boy, so that everyone knows you are home.

Peace on this birthday BigMan/Child.

[mysonrich]

Westley,

[mysonrich]

Thank you all for remembering Rich yesterday. Thank you for the warm, gentle kindess extended to me and sarah too. I have some reading to do and I will catch up.

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ....WESTLEY. Call all of the BI ANGELS around you, and have a

nice celebration. Also,......smile down on your dear Mom.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Today turned out to be quite productive. I not only got Mariah scheduled for more counseling I was able to expidite getting her tested for I.E.P.

I also checked Mariah out of school an hour early and we had a "grief" time together. It turned out to be more fun than grief. We looked at pictures of her mommy and pictures of angels and I taught her some breathing techniques. I keep a bell by my bed (buddhism) that raises the frequency of the energy around us so I taught her how to listen to the highest pitch. She found it very soothing and comforting. We prayed together and ended up really laughing.

I complimented the letter to her mother and got her permission to share it with others. I told her it was beautifully written and the only thing her teacher is concerned about is the spelling, punctuation and capitalization of the appropriate words. I told her, however, that I loved it just the way it is and want to save it forever. I also told her she still had to write the paper on volcano's and that paper would have to be done correctly.

We then picked up Jasmine and Jonathon from school. We had to wait for Jasmine because she was in time out because she refused to do her reading. She was too busy giggling with the other little boys and girls. Jasmine had to sit in time out when she got home, too...it's our thang...get in trouble at school, you're in trouble at home. She cuddled into me after her time out as she explained why reading was important.

What a difference a day makes. There is still hope............I see it in those three little faces. Jonathon? He's perfect...almost. He is thriving in all areas.

I'll be back

[daveydow1]

Susannah-----I'm so sorry about Mariah, and the trouble she's having. Such a dear and sweet note she wrote to her

mom. I'm glad that you and her teacher now understand each other. I think that you are NOT selfish. You have so

much love for these dear children, that you just get frustrated that things don't always go right for them. This is so

understandable. You and your husband are definitely these sweet children's best ally and advocate.......that's plain

to see, and it's plain to see how much you love them. I'm not that good with words, friend, but I think you are doing

a wonderful job with them. Sending prayers for you and each one of the children. Peace to you.

Rhonda----Your story of the day West was born is so very touching. He must have been a beautiful baby. You said

that he weighed in a 8 lb. 6 oz. Nice big boy. That is exactly the weight David was at birth. Funny, how we can

always remember those details of their birth, isn't it? I pray you have a day with peace and dear memories of

your wonderful son, Westley. Thoughts & prayers to you.

David&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Susannah-----I'm so sorry about Mariah, and the trouble she's having. Such a dear and sweet note she wrote to her

mom. I'm glad that you and her teacher now understand each other. I think that you are NOT selfish. You have so

much love for these dear children, that you just get frustrated that things don't always go right for them. This is so

understandable. You and your husband are definitely these sweet children's best ally and advocate.......that's plain

to see, and it's plain to see how much you love them. I'm not that good with words, friend, but I think you are doing

a wonderful job with them. Sending prayers for you and each one of the children. Peace to you.

Rhonda----Your story of the day West was born is so very touching. He must have been a beautiful baby. You said

that he weighed in a 8 lb. 6 oz. Nice big boy. That is exactly the weight David was at birth. Funny, how we can

always remember those details of their birth, isn't it? I pray you have a day with peace and dear memories of

your wonderful son, Westley. Thoughts & prayers to you.

David&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sus, I have had such limited time today to fully respond to your Mariah's story. I am so glad that she had the ability to reach out as she did. I love that you took her out to hang out today and that you told her that the letter was beautifully written. You let her know in that small important sentence that you knew about the letter and that you are not angry about the assignment and that you loved her words. I think too that it was important that you let her know that she still needed to do the assigned writing, but that this letter is a keeper. This little one knew she needed some assistance.

I am glad that she is going to get some counseling, and that you and her teacher are more comfy with each other.

A very good idea. The IEP should get moving soon especially if you signed papers approving the testing. There are usually a set number of days once th esignatures are in as to when the district has to submit a recommendation.

Good luck.

Rhonda, your Westley birth story is dear. He will always be that little boy, that beautiful chubby babes in your arms and forever in your heart.

[summergirl]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY WESTLEY....YOUR NAME IS SAID OUT LOUD BY MANY TODAY AND EVERY DAY. KISS YOUR SWEET MOM.....

[westleysmom]

We did go to te cemetery this afternoon right before dark with a bunch of red roses to put in his vase. The flowers we took on Sunday were still pretty, I couldn't believe it because its been so cold. My husband's brother and his kids came while we were there. We stayed until dark, too cold to stay longer. I went to see my Mama this afternoon and when I got ready to leave, she said, "Well, today is our boy's birthday" and I said yeah, I know. She started crying and told me how sorry she was and how hard it had been and that she didn't know how we were doing as good as we were. We don't talk about it daily, I just can't do that on my way to work. But it is easier to talk about it with you all than with her. I feel responsible for her sadness, since I feel responsible for the fact that it happened. Call me crazy, you won't be the first. Anyway, we talked a little bit about it, and I hope she feels better. I told her not to sit around and cry, and I hope she didn't.

Thanks for the birthday wishes for Westley. Susannah, it sounds like the time with Mariah was successful, I hope the counseling starts to help.

Sweet Dreams of our Angels at Westley's birthday party.

[nicksdad]

[mikesmum]

We Indigo's have a language all of our own. I remember the first time I saw 'Angelversary'. It lightened my heart, a name so beautiful for a day that was anything but.

Belly Button day - Another that brings a smile.

Rhonda - Thanks for sharing Westley's belly button day story. Those precious first moments when our lives are changed by something so small, so innocent and so amazing.

Happy Birthday Westley.

Sus - Can't fault Mariah's school project. Needed to get some answers. I'm way past her age and I write here, on Mikes memorial seeking answers.....can understand her need to forego the volcano stuff, its not important when you just wanted to know about your mum...

The floods continue to traverse the east coast and are now about 2hrs from here. We are safe, our local dam is only at about 54% so hopefully any 'runoff' will be caught and dispersed without damage or loss.

We have just heard of another young boy drowned in the swollen rivers near his home. Only about 10 he is the second in as many days.

They interviewed 4 teenage boys who had to be rescued after ignoring warnings and 'swimming' in the flood waters. DUMBASS. They couldn't see anything wrong with that...

Am taking Zak and Jeya to the bay tomorrow. Need to be back there, its harder to 'be' here.

Thinking of you all

[Guest msnher]

I so appreciate all of your words of encouragement and support. There was the letter to her mother that was in response to the volcano assignment, but did I mention the teacher had a stack of papers/assignments that were all similar; writings about and to her mother? It was quite heartbreaking. I just didn't realize she was suffering so deeply. I was so caught up in my own loss.

After yesterdays experience I also realize I'm not the failure I though I was. I show up. I am like the Momma Grizzly that moves mountains to get to her cubs. I needed to remember that about myself. Maybe that's why our children's deaths are so hard for us? Each one of us here is a Momma Grizzly (or Papa Grizzly) and we couldn't save our cubs. Not that time. It goes against our nature. We will forever be trying to save them...in our minds/thoughts and words. I don't think we'll rest until we know for sure that they are safe.

When I spoke to the school pyschologist yesterday I told her I was a fairly stable woman with the tools and support to overcome. I told her I was more in touch with my emotions than most people (I've had a lot of practice) and I told her that Stephanie's death knocked my feet right out from under me and sent me to bed..crying for days. I asked her why we expect more from a 9 year old. I told her I needed to give Mariah permission to fall apart. The psychologist agreed. (If I'm repeating myself, I apologize..just working it out in my mind) The teacher also told me Mariah "zones out" and looks at her but she knows she isn't hearing. Haven't we all done that....I lose people mid sentence sometimes. A lot of times I can't recall what I just said let alone what you just said.

The breathing techniques will aid Mariah in focusing. I told her how hard it is to make your mind listen when all you want to do is think about your mommy. I explained to her that it's okay when her mind wanders to her mom and she might even cry in school about it...but the important thing is to be able to pull yourself back, knowing you can think about her and talk about her and cry about her later. We talked about how we still have to function even when we don't want to. I'm hoping she will qualify for I.E.P because that will give her the added - one on one - help she requries. However, after our "grief day" she was able to finish all her homework correctly. We'll just have to wait and see. But, I know this, I will be more proactive in helping her and her siblings heal.

Love to each of you...I appreciate you more than I can say!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Sus said "I lose people mid-sentence" Sus, I just did that this morning. My husband asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee and I said, No, because it will make me ......... and I stopped - zoned. Scott repeated my sentence to me and I finished...sick. (I have stomach issues in the morning - my Mom did too).

Trudi - Our own language. I used the word "Angelversary" with a friend and she looked at me and said "What a nice way to phrase that." You are right - we do have our own language. Love you my friend

Dan - You are amazing with the beautiful posts you make. We all know these pictures you make come from someone who knows. That makes them all that much more special (Love my English). Hows the weather, Dan? Cold, Snow?

Rhonda - Responsibility for our Child's death - WOW. It is over 2.5 years for me and just now am I starting to forgive myself for something I know I did not do (does that make sense).

Scott and I both know Brian was reckless. He was very physically coordinated and pushed it to the limit. The one aspect that just really still hurts is they left our driveway on the hood of the car. How could we have not seen that? Michelle, Scott and I were all home. Crazy-hey

Dee and Lynn - How is the news hype for the football game in Chicago? Milwaukee Mayor and the Chicago Mayor made a bet. The losing team's mayor works at a food pantry in the winners home town wearing the winning team's jersey. Also, the day before the Superbowl, the losing Mayor must fly the winning teams flag in his office. Kinda fun. When the Chicago Mayor arrives in Milwaukee, we will be sure to treat him with the utmost respect. - Good Luck my friend

Carol, Bonnie, Leah, Ben's Mum, Marcia, Lorri, Sherry, Love to all

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

I just dropped off three happy children at school. Mariah is very excited to turn in her homework. I could really get on a guilt trip about not even knowing she wasn't doing her homework. I pay someone else to help them and I just assumed it was getting done. I was busy having a emotional breakdown so I never checked. But, I refuse to go on that guilt trip. It was caught and it has been dealt with and I'm just not in the mood to feel guilty today. I feel a little guilty about about not taking the time to feel guilty, but I'll have to schedule my guilt trip for another day.

As we were gathered in the bathroom, doing hair, this morning we talked about people who don't get it and how we protect ourselves from those people by not talking about our sadness to them. We save it to share with someone who does get it. Mariah said when we get sad and we can't talk about it right then we just have to take slow, deep breaths to bring our mind back to what we're doing.

Pretty cool.

I'm so thankful I have you guys who get it. I feel kind of guilty about that too because of the price you had to pay to get it. I'll take that guilt on the next guilt trip. Right now I'm enjoying the wonderful people my grandchildren are. Jasmine was mad at me because I refused to allow her to wear her sun dress to school. Other than that it has been a good morning thus far, but it's only 7:50am right now.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Dan-Thank you so much for the beautiful picture and birthday wishes for my Westley.

Colleen-I lose my train of thought constantly. I don't even know if its fair to call it a train. I read a book I bought Mama for Christmas called The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott. Near the end, there's a line that I thought captured what we do now.

"Life was moving on and she approached each day the way she would cope with a rotting front tooth and no dentist nearby. One learned to smile with her lips closed."

That's what I do now for the most part. That's how I get through the days and the weeks and the months. I guess as long as you give the appearance of smiling, most people never know the difference, and that's just as well. They get to think that you are fine and you don't have to explain why you're not to people who wouldn't understand anyway. But I'm glad to have a place where you don't have to wear the mask or purse your lips and it won't even scare anybody. Will be busy today because was out yesterday, but thinking of you all.

[westleysmom]

Susannah-It sounds like Mariah has learned to smile with her lips closed. I hope she keeps smiling!

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

I wanted to stop by quickly and read posts.... thinking of all of you and praying you have peaceful day.

We are getting closer to our family sitting down and doing an interview with Stacey Deffenbaugh, NBC-2 Anchor-Reporter to do a cover story about gun awareness in the state of Florida. I want to be able to link Ashlee senseless death in regards to our current right to bear-arms in the state of Florida. I pray the spirit helps me through this process. I don't want to come across as a bitter, vengeful Mommy Grizzly Bear (as Susannah wrote) or causing additional pain to all involved! I want to show safety awareness......

[lolynbo]

Hey guys on new phone hard to do. Speech went great words just flowed still no laptop. Hope to b bak soon. Miss yal

[ericasmom]

Cyrstal, who better than you? I think that it is wonderful that you are going to be interviewed and help shine Aslee's light on this huge issue. I am proud of this big step. I know that you may ache and ache for speaking publically from it, but it could actually help change a growing sad trend. Blessings.

Rhonda, wow, maybe Mariah was smiling with her mouth closed is a great analogy. I do think that line speaks of those of us in deep grief. We go on, what else can we do? We go on and while the day is fine, the heart is shattered but we simply cannot tell everyone about it. I have found however, that I didn''t always say "fine" when asked about the day, sometimes I said, the day is not good because I am aching over missing ERi. SOme people might scurry away, good, some may stay and and listen- hooray. Those became the folks that I have shared my journey with, and have grown with over the years.

Col, the towns are alive with hope. Personally, I think your team is going to win. Shhhh.

[ericasmom]

WHOO-HOO Lorri, glad that the speech went greatly, had no thoughts of it not.

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----So nice that the roses you took to West's grave will no doubt 'keep fresh'. I've had that happen when

I placed a single carnation on Lisa's or Davey's grave. So surprised when I returned a few days later to see it

still fresh. I agree,.....it is easier to talk on BI than to others in person. We're all in the same boat, and we all

understand grief firsthand.

Susannah-----Your 'girl time' with Mariah was a nice time.....you are keeping the lines of communication open with

her, and getting her back into counseling, which I think will help her so much. Thoughts & prayers for you & all three

of the children.

Colleen---I so know what you mean about it taking time to forgive oneself for the death of a child. I read somewhere

that Grief & Guilt go together when there's a death of a loved one......especially a child. I know I struggled with this

for what seemed like years with Lisa, and again with David. We, as parents, know definitely that we would do anything

to change the outcome, but then the other side kicks in and we can feel so much guilt. Forgiving ourselves is a part

that we all must work through, I guess. I wish you peace, friend.

Dee-----Cold here. Deep January weather. You know how it is in Jan. ! ! But-----this a.m., I woke up to a bird singing his

"spring" - type song outside my window. He must have nature's optimism... .....because it is cloudy, overcast, and spitting

snow.......very weak sun. .

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO EVERYONE ON BI.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Each Little Bird that SIngs---Sherry it is the title fo a great book for kids 10 yrs. adn up. I read it and loved it, so might you. Maybe that bird was one of your Little birds, Davey or Lisa singing you a greeting.

It is cold indeed, getting colder as the day goes on.

[mikesmum]

Sus - Love that you 'dropped three happy kids off to school'. Don't guilt it about the homework. There was a bigger picture, Mariah need help and by not doing the assignment somehow her need was uncovered.

Colleen and others with the dyslexic tongue thingy. Yep mid thought on a roll and rummph rummph rummph "look at the pretty leaves". Used to worry me senseless, now I'm senseless it doesn't worry me a bit.

Lorri - Congrats on the public speaking gig. The subject and the audience, something that made it comfortable. That and Kourtney sitting on your shoulder whispering "you can do this". Great.

Crystal - Its hard not to come from a place of anger and hurt when talking about losing your child. Ashlee's story needs to be told so that others might hear and realise the 'dangers'. I send you strength to put into articulate phrases the message you want to send and the picture you want to paint of your darling daughter.

Well its back to the ocean with the last of the grandies for this years summer holidays. Zak and Jeya are heading down for fishing and swimming. We can have them for two nights then the need to be back. Its precious little time, but its time we will spend making many many memories.

Just wanted to share something Miss Jeya said to me as we did a 'slideshow' of all the pictures on my home computer. She loves to sit and watch the images of things we have done and people she knows.

A pic of Mike came across the screen. Without so much as a blink she said "do you remember when Mike held me when I was born?" Feather please then smelling salts. I asked Steven about it. Oh yeah she talks about Mike all the time. About when he held her, how she knows him cause he knows her. She floored me once before a about a year or more ago. She walked over to Mikes guitar. She had never seen him with a guitar, she was only 6 weeks old when he left. Looking at me she said 'this is Mikes guitar', smiled and strummed her fingers across it then went off to play.

Ahhh the innocence. Bye for now....Love to all Indigos and their angels.

[aim630]

Rhonda-I’m sorry I missed Westley’s birthday yesterday. I’m glad the flowers still looked good at the cemetery. I’m sure Ashley would have been the first one to organize the party for Westley! She loved doing stuff like that. I understand what you mean about smiling with your lips closed. To the outside world, I probably function pretty well, better than they thought I would, but that’s just because I don’t share how I really feel with them. Only here.

Susannah-I’m glad you were able to get Mariah scheduled for counseling & that you and her teacher were able to talk and try to help Mariah the best way you can.

Crystal-You are very strong & brave to speak about Ashlee’s death to try to bring some awareness to the issue of gun safety. Sending prayers and hugs your way as you prepare for the interview.

Really tired of the snow and cold here, it seems like it will never end. I am ready for sunshine & 75 degrees.

I can never get a different font or color, so I typed this in Word first, and will copy & paste. Hmmm, looks like it is still just regular typeface.

Amy/Ashley’s mom

[zachysmom]

Seems like in my house when it rains it pours.

I had to put Elisha inpatient on tuesday because she felt like hurting herself. and today I had to tell my hubby that his dad has bone cancer. It never changes there is always some kind of bad news for me to tell him. First I told him about our son and now i had to tell him about his dad. When does it end.

[ericasmom]

Amy, yours came out in blue.

Beth, I am so sorry that you have had so many sad times. It pains me to think of what that took for you to take your Girl for help. But I am glad that you did. I will pray for your Daughter, for your Dad-in-law, and for you and your husband who have been through so very much.

[Crystal16]

Thanks my Indigo family. Your words of encouragement will keep me focused on the message I'm trying to convey,

Hugs and kisses to all. I pray we're touched by our Angels in our dreams tonight.

[summergirl]

I am sooooooo angry today and I can't stop it !! Got up and all was good, Tavian off to school, I went to work and had the i-pod playing and suddenly Greg's song came on "Wake me up when September's gone" and I lost it...the tears started, I went to the bathroom, total breakdown and then this overwhelming anger that has stuck with me all day. What is up with that ?? I am almost 5 years losing Jessica and I am suddenly so angry I can hardly breathe ?? I don't want to be angry, Tavian is never going to have his mom, I am never going to see my daughter get married, I am never going to see her again period !! I am really mad about everthing I am missing with her. I am even mad that I am making "it all about me" - I am mad, I want her back, I need her, I love her, I hate that I am in this "club" - ME, ME, ME !!! Well, too bad because right now it is about ME and right now I just needed to get this out of my system so thanks for listening and hearing my anger.....

The other night I was on face book and I got a chat message from my best-friends son...he wanted to talk to me about something. He lives in Virginia and is such a sweet guy, 22 years old.. Anyway, he told me he was gay and wanted my opinion on how to tell his parents. We talked for quite awhile and came to the conclusion that he should talk to his mom first and then his dad. The problem is that his father is VERY predjudice, a racist in my eyes - we have had many conversations about it. I remember about 7 or so years ago we were discussing this very subject and I asked him what he would do if his son told him he was gay and his reply "I would tell him to get out and I do not have a son" - So now I am very worried about their reaction. He was supposed to call his mom on last night and tell her and he was going to let her know that he talked to me and I have not heard a word from her which is ok, I will be here when and if she needs me. I am going to try a chat with him tonight to see how it went. I wanted to share this because I get so angry (there is that anger again !!) at people who judge anyone that does not conform to their way of thinking......if your son is gay you turn away from him ?? What would they do if they lost their son the way we have lost our child ?? and it is no different for us is it...people want us to be as they think we should be....get over it, move on, everything will be ok, don't talk about it, don't cry, life goes on, you need to be happy and on and on it goes...

Well, I need to get Tavian to bed, he wants to read - maybe some time with him quietly will settle this anger that I have. I am sorry (yes I know I am not supposed to say that) but I do appriciate you all listening to "all about me" tonight... I love you all. Hoping for a less angry day tomorrow...Peace and strength, Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: Congrats on the good words at your meeting...yes, with Kourt beside you, you couldn't be anything but what you wanted to be. We here miss you too, Lor, be glad when you are back.

Crystal: I know that Ashlee will be with you as well, when you need to voice words for her. Re the Red Sox spring training...something Mike always wanted to do...to go down there and watch for a few days. That last spring, we thought we were making headway and would surely have another...then came that devastating second tumor. I am sure he watches all of them now! I don't think there was any section in Fenway that we did not sit at one time or another, and after the first time back without him (a tough, tough one, but strongly supported with hubby by my side...most unusual...he doesn't like to go to games), I now feel his presence wherever we sit when we are there.

Betsy: So good to see your sweet redhead and his smiling face...good to hear from you, too.

The "mid-sentence" (or, sometimes even "mid-word") draw a blank thing...I've finally learned to just say "Oh, well, when it comes back, I will too." Trudi: I loved what you said about "it used to worry me senseless, now I'm senseless, it doesn't worry me a bit." I will have to write that down...couldn't possibly remember it past this moment. So glad you are getting back to the ocean, and with Zak and Jeya...did you mean that school holidays are almost over? So very sad about more young ones being lost to the terrible flooding in your country. Prayers for those fighting this threat, as well as those already involved in it. Loved what Miss Jeya said...

Beth: I too am so very sorry that you are having to deal with so much sorrow...prayers for your sweet Elisha, and your family. Sending you strength and comfort.

Sherry: It is cold here, too, and getting colder...more snow tonight, and Mon and Tues nights are supposed to be double digits MINUS...brrrrrr. here's a pic of the stop sign on our corner...took it this morning. The weatherman said this is the coldest snap we've had in over two years. I too saw my first bird of the winter...a huge bluejay on the ground outside our porch. Seemed to be pecking at the shed, like it was in his way.

Sus: Glad the children were happy this morning...the guilt thing...oh, such a huge monster to banish...it is there for us all. I am so glad we can talk about it here...and receive true understanding. Of course, many of us here say "It was not your fault," and that's fine, the support is there, but unlike saying it to someone in our daily lives, when we say it here, we know that all of us understand why we still feel it and that it likely will never be completely gone and why it will likely always rear it's ugly head at one point or another.

Bonnie, Betty, Leah, Dee, Karen, Kathy, Rhonda, Colleen, Greg, Lynn, Sonya, Dan, Amy, and any I may have not listed...you are all in my heart, every day. There is a prayer that I keep a copy of in my checkbook...it was written by a friend I met on another website and that website no longer exists...her name is also Carol. I would like to share it...

"Dear Lord: As I close my eyes tonight, please keep me in your loving sight. I know that as I go to sleep, all my friends you safely keep. Look down with love on those in pain, and help them find some peace again. Wrap them in your gentle grace and help them with each day they face. If my time on earth is done, and on the morrow I am gone, comfort those I leave behind, and let them find some peace of mind. If I wake to face the day, help me with each word I say. Let everything I say and do, be in love and honor of You. In Jesus name I say this prayer, for grieving parents everywhere." Carol, mother of Angel Tracy.

When she first wrote this prayer, I had asked her if she would mind if I copied it and shared it. She said she would be honored...I am honoring her, and all of you, by quoting it here.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

PS: Kathy: This is the place to come to shout out that anger, to help you to process it. I am glad that you feel you can do that...I am sorry that this day has set fire to your soul and all of those hurting thoughts have attacked you all day...it is a very painful place to be, thinking that you will never get to see or never get to do, and yes, sometimes it is "all about me." I can remember one time, having a serious discussion with Mike, and how he was saying to me "I don't know why everyone is making such a fuss about my dying...we all die, and I know where I am going, so I am comfortable with that." I took his hand, and trembling, said to him, "But Mike. When you go, you will be gone. And we will still be here, without you. And if we are to believe what we've professed to believe all our lives, we won't have to worry about where you are or if you're happy. But, we will be left behind, missing you terribly, painfully. Always. Forever, as long as we live on this earth. And that is why everyone is making such a fuss about your dying." It was so very painful for me to say that to him (I felt so selfish), after all, he was the one who was dying. But it was what was in my heart, and I believed he would understand, and thankfully, he did. Just as we here do, Kathy. We understand the "all about me" part...it's part of this journey. Not ALL of this journey, but part of it. I hope that spending time with Tavian and reading to him helps you find a calming place to spend the rest of the night. Sending love and strength, my friend.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[briansdad]

Kathy this song is for you.We all need our wildest dreams.This song reminds me of my wife and I. We dated in high school for about a 8 months. She was 15 and I was 16. We broke up and didn't really see one another much except in the halls at school.When I graduated the year before her I thought that would be the last I ever saw of her. She was dating someone else and he had given her a promise ring.I was cleaning out a desk drawer and found a letter she sent me one summer talking about her birthday and how she was going to get her drivers permit. So I sent her a birthday card to say HI. A few days later she called to say thanks and i said your welcome and that I never had any hard feelings. I thought that was that and we would each go our seperate ways. I then received a letter going into things a little more in depth about the old days. Well she told her boyfriend of 2 years to hit the road and now almost 40 years later 33 of them married my wildest dream came true.

I married one of the finest women I know.I thank God for letting me find that old letter.

[westleysmom]

Carol-That is a beautiful prayer, thank you for posting it. I guess I lose my place when I'm talking so much anymore that nobody notices. Or is it just that I don't notice when they notice? Oh, well I guess I'm senseless too.

Greg-What a nice thing to say about your wife. I like all of the Moody Blues songs and love to hear them sing still.

Kathy-I'm so sorry you're having an angry day, but I think it is inevitable for us. I have them sometimes, but have more sad beyond belief days than angry. When they talk about all of the grief stages, what they don't say is that just because you don't feel that way all the time anymore (denial, anger, whatever they are, I don't know them I just live them) doesn't mean that you will never feel that way again. I hope some Tavian time will help, dear friend.

Lorri-I can't remember if I said good job on the talk, but I'll be glad when you get your computer fixed and we can hear from you again. I hope everybody is doing okay in your neck of the woods and staying warm.

Beth-So very sorry for the trouble with your girl and that your husband's dad is sick. Hugs to you friend.

Very cold here and treacherous on the way home. You know southern people can't drive in the snow, and we have no choice, since we live in the boonies. I guess its a small price to pay to live here, but its still a price. Sweet dreams all of our angels.

[ericasmom]

Wow Greg, thanks so much for that song. It was a special song to me long ago in my teens. I dated a musician, and while we did not marry, we definitely had a close relationship and then a good friendship for some time. We listened to the Moody Blues a great deal, and his band did that cover song. Lovely.

Kath, let it spill, no other way but to let it spill out so that the next day or maybe in a few days the sun will shine again, and selfish? I don't know, missing someone on a grand scale does not sound selfish.

Carol, yep, COLD, we just heard the same thing, coldest temps. coming tonight and they are coldest in 2 years. Bundle up folks. I love your words, your story of how you told Mike why you all were making such a fuss. I love too, the simplicity of what he was saying, we all will die...thanks for that lovely prayer Carol and Carol.

I agree with Carol Trudi, your phrase was perfect, and Jeya's words are touched with the knowing memory that was planted by an Angel. How dear. Enjoy that ocean of yours.

Jonathan and Shannon came to dinner tonight, nice warming visit. It has been extremely FULLMOON hectic at school. Lot's of moodiness and pent up stuff going on with some kids. I am going to bed and hoping that they can start tomorrow fresh without the bad attitudes, but some of that is simply not much I can change. Some kids come to school with too much going on at home that is not filtered and not healthy, and at some point as I told on Child today, at some point, you have to figure out how you want life to be. even though you are only 9, you are going to have to figure some of this out because you don't have that help at home, and I can only help you so much, the rest is going to have to come from your wanting to find ways to have a good life. If you do and you let all of the adults here help, you have to live by our rules while you are here. So I am hoping for a more unified feeling from these two tomorrow.

Love and good sleep,

[shorty16]

OK Indigos, This is getting wierd!

I came into work this morning and someone brought in Bear Meat

Our company posted flyers to wear your team colors. We do have several people who live in IL who work here. So we do have a good representation of Bear Fans.

This is too funny!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Crystal

I am praying for you and your family that the words flow from your mouth by the grace of God. It is amazing what we can do as parents, even in the depth of our dispair.

You are stronger than you know

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lostwoher]

Colleen, that is a hoot! Just between you and me, I secretly believe the Packers will win. SHHHHH! Dont tell anybody

Thinking of you all with the best of wishes. xo

Its -5 this morning

[ericasmom]

Most of our school is dressed in orange and navy. My principal is wearing bears jersey, I wore mine over my shirt, but hey, with hot flashes, it came off immediately.

It is still and COLD but the nicest thing is this, it is SUNNY. My classroom is filled with light today and we have not had that in over a week. How nice. I even had to pull a shade a bit so as not to blind a child, and the suncatchers are causing lovely sprays of rainbows around the room.

LORRI, shout out to you, hoping you are getting the darn thing fixed quickly, I miss you.

And same to Betty and Bonnie and all those whose visits are less frequent, you are loved each day.