Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

I went to the cemetery yesterday and took the whole pot of flowers that I had received at work on Friday to put on his grave. Westley's friend Devon was there, with his girlfriend. There were new things left on the headstone, he said that he didn't bring them. In a few minutes, he asked me if I'd heard what happened to Taylor. Taylor is the girl that called me last January 13 to tell me that she couldn't wake Westley up. I had never met her or spoke to her before then, but had heard her name fairly often and knew that Westley was kind of sweet on her. She was devastated at the services, but since then, I'd not seen her. She graduated from high school and some of his friends told me that she was going to some kind of school and they didn't see her much anymore, they had moved from where they lived at the time that Westley died. Devon said that her boyfriend had died from an overdose and that he was with her. I couldn't believe it. I told my husband about it when I got back from the cemetery, but didn't say anything to anyone else. This morning when I got the paper, I looked in the obituaries, and there it was. His name was Justin and he was born July 6, 1989. They have his picture in the paper, he looks a lot like Westley. He worked in the construction industry, and Taylor is listed as his fiance. He died on January 15, 2011, and of course if it was from an overdose, that is not mentioned. I can't tell you how this has unnerved me. I don't guess I have to. I haven't called my husband yet to let him know that it was true, he's busy at work and I don't want him to be thinking about it while he's working. The service is to be held tomorrow, one year and a day after Westley's, at the same funeral home. It is hard not to think WTH? How can this have happened? Please help me to convince myself that it is just a horrible coincidence, what else could it mean?

[Bensmummy]

Westleys mum...Im pretty much with you on the WTH! too... Im not aware of your sons circumstances so I cant comment here or try to convince you..but Im with you and if I were you I imagine your head just got scrambled big time.... you will figure it out and maybe it might be an idea to know a little more on this girl if you dont already. Jeepers I gotta wonder what the girl did in a previous life..thats just nuts! Hmmmmm Im not helping am I sorry..I just want to endorse and understand what your thinking right now... Life throws some weird ones at us does it not. hugs Michelle

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Cannot chat long but was so moved by Rhonda's message that I had to respond.

Dear Rhonda I cannot believe what you have just uncovered. I hate to give advise but I do believe that I would be forced to contact the police and strongly suggest a police investigation. This is unnerving I am praying for your peace

.

Karen, Michelle, Sus, I hear your pain and sadness. I still wake up every morning with the thought of Stephen being gone and then I proceed to try to go about my day. It does get easier It is not so much of a shock You are in my thoughts.

Sherry and Dee please continue to take care of yourselves I need to hear of your walks and the beauty you both find outside your windows

Carol thanks for the info on Lorrie

Colleen I agree great Football this weekend

Must run Betsy in my thoughts as are all the Indigos angels

[daniellemom]

Trudi - My thoughts and prayers are with you today. I'm saying Michael Shane loud and often today!

Rhonda - Thinking about you today. I have no advise but I know you will do the right thing.

To everyone here I think of you all each day!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[Crystal16]

Rhonda- I'm sure your mind is having many thoughts right now. I am so sorry Hun this is not what you and your family need right now. I would suggest listenening to your heart.

Trudi- Hugs to you and I pray you feel peace today.

Always reading and sending hugs to everyone of you~

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I am with Mihcelle on this, I think that WTH is right, and I am right with Betty on what I think I would have to do. She may be perfectly innocent, but she might not be. It is that might not be part that has me really wondering. The timing? The way of death? No, I think I would have to name drop with the police in the boy's town. Is it your town? Wow.

How did the boy who was going to take a test On Westlye's day do on his test?

Michelle, I love that the dreadlocks were a hit, I pictured you with your family around the table with soapy suds all about, and the pretty colors of merino wool. How lovely indeed. I love the thought of very safe, the way you say it makes me smile. I do believe that too. I am glad that the reports set your thoughts in a positive way. I am glad that your doctor ws able to convey the scenario. Even though Eri lived for 6 days, they kept telling me that she was not hurting. The little bird on the windowsill outside her hospital room also let us know that, as we felt it was she. She had left her body at the time of the accident, the time in the hospital was for us. And like you, I got to kiss her still Eri face, she did not look as one might think after being struck by a train. Her face was nearly untouched, 5 stitches over eyebrow and broken jaw, but still that girl with the pretty skin, the rose cheeks, the dreads on her pillow. I felt her sitting on the headboard where all the hook ups and measure were sounding and beeping, sitting there like tinkerbell. Trudi and the others gave her a new nickname---Tink.

There is a book I bought some time ago for my school shelves that I am doing a quick read of. It is written by one of my favorite children's authors; Cynthia Rylant. It is called The Heavenly Village. It is about a place that is not quite earth, and not quite heaven where those reluctant to leave live until they figure it all out. It seems beautiful already on the 5th page and it is short. This may be a great read for both our young ones, and us.

Went to the surgeon for a double check on my insision and the pathology reports say I am fine. The word irregular however was used, which of course makes my heart flutter. I will do a follow up with my regular doctor.

Love to all,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Rhonda: I have no advice, either, other than to discuss it with you husband some more. The "coincidence" of this is definitely unnerving...I have goosebumps just writing this. Sending prayers that you will find peace of mind in this, though I don't have any suggestions as to how.

I have contacted Betsy by email and she is okay...same as Lorri, her laptop is broken and they are waiting on a part to fix it...she said it is supposed to be up and running by the end of this week. She has been reading, and sends her love to all. The days are crowding in on her for tomorrow and many stirrings that can make this day painful, as we who have gone through it know. SEnding love and prayers out to you, Betsy. Know that we are all holding you close.

Sonya: so nice to see sweet beautiful Danielle's face this morning!

Sus: when those words form in front of my eyes, my stomach still lurches, as though kicked with a boot...they are words that live with each of us, like a shadow. Like Bonnie said "The background noise in our lives." I am sorry that it gripped you upon awakening---that is always the worst time for me. It is no longer like it was the first day I awoke after Mike died, but it is a heart stopper, just the same. Holding you close in my heart.

Michelle: I am glad that your visit with the doctor and his reading the report with you has seemed to help, and that you have come to know that Ben was without pain when he left this earth. Hold that thought close, and allow it to give you strength.

Colleen: I love it that Brian's friend has told you of the visits from Brian...it is a comforting thought to know that others continue to acknowledge Brian's life, and especially comforting to know of Brian's essence being present, no matter where it may be. A friend of ours, about a month after Mike died, came to us and told us of a dream she had, where they were all at a picnic, and Mike was sitting beside her. Nothing was said. He was just sitting there on the grass, crosslegged, with a smile on his face. She said it was "as if I was sitting right here and he was beside me." She felt the warmth of his smile when she awoke. I hold that story close to me.

Trudi: Sending you love and strength, my friend, as this day surrounds your heart with so many memories. Also praying for all those affected by these terrible floods, and that the waters will halt before they reach your area as well.

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

[kmb22]

Edit

[westleysmom]

Dee-Westley's friend CJ said he thought he did well on the test, with the possible exception of the Math part. If he didn't pass it, I think he said he can just take that one section again and not have to take the whole thing over. But I haven't heard if he received the official results. Since today is a holiday, they may not have gotten back to him since he just took the test Thursday last. When I saw CJ last week, I had asked him about Taylor, and that's when he told me she had moved and he had only seen her once this year. I talked to my daughter about what was in the obituary and showed it to her and told her what Westley's friend had told me. And yes, this boy that just passed away did live in town, but his parents are from a town about 20 minutes away, so he didn't go to school here and I'd never heard his name before. I will talk to my husband when we get off work this evening and try to call CJ to see what light he might be able to shed on this. He knew her fairly well, and dated her at one time.

Betsy and Lorri-I'm so glad to hear that your computers are sick, and its not you that are sick. Betsy, you have been on my mind this month and I will be especially thinking of you tomorrow. Lorri I'm sure you'll do a great job speaking to the biker group, I think it was.

Karen-I'm sorry that you have had such a hard time with your son. We love them so much and its so hard to communicate with your children at times. I hope that things start to get better between you two soon.

Susannah-Sometimes I hear those words first thing when I wake up and sometimes its a few minutes. I think I sleep so hard that sometimes I don't even know where I am when I wake. Everytime I hear them, I think they aren't true, can't be true. It is hard to believe even now.

Thanks for your thoughts all on this latest development. I told my daughter that when it first happened, I wanted someone to blame (and finding no one, accepted the blame for myself, which I did not mention to her) but I really didn't believe that anyone intentionally caused Westley's death. It was ruled accidental Combined acute intoxication, heavy on the combined and light on the intoxication, as he'd only had a couple of beers. Now I don't know what to think. I will keep you posted as we find out more here.

[shorty16]

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike

Saying your name loud and clear.

Trudi, my thoughts and prays are with you this angelday

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Hey Col, congrats on your team winning and exciting that our town will be hosting your team next week. What a game that should prove to be. Holy Cow. You wear that green Girly, I will wear, ummmm, navy and orange. Well not everyday, but nevertheless, I will be thinking in navy and orange terms. Hey, cool that Brian's friend came to tell you of his visits from Bri. What a nice thing to know about. Go Brian, Go BRAIN.

Karen, yes, that fear of leaving is mostly due to never wanting another sadness to hit my Son. Oh Man. Anyhow, I was never one to like flying but I hate all the fears I have now. I worked on some of them, essentially acknowledging that we simply do not have control on things, if we did, none of us would ever need a grief website. So, that is where I am at. I am sorry that your Boy is able to put up such blockades to his heart and emotions. I hope that he can somehow come to realize that you are not the enemy. Prayers.

Sonya, so good to see Danielle's prettiness today.

Carol, thanks for all you do in keeping everyone connected. So good of you.

Rhonda, I hope that I did not jump to such a quick thought as to calling the police, I just think that her name needs to be written down for pondering. I sure hope that CJ was able to pass that test.

[ericasmom]

Oh Betty, I watched some of the NYJ game against the Patriots. My nephew who lives in Plymouth Mass, was at that game, too bad for his team, glad for yours though.

[daveydow1]

Leah-----Hoping that your cold will not hang around very long, and that you'll feel better soon.

Carol----I so understand your feelings when passing by the church where Mike's memorial service was held. Davey's

funeral was held at the funeral home, not the church he belonged to, due to mileage between the church, funeral

home, and the cemetery. The cemetery chapel is very near to the area of his grave, and it always has me feeling sad

to see it. There is another (older) little white chapel over on the other side of the cemetery where little Lisa is

buried in 'Babyland'. This small chapel is no longer in use. Thanks for the update on Lorri.

Michelle---- It's nice that Ben's friends keep in touch with you. It is comforting to know that friends still think of our dear

children. By this time, no one else goes to Davey's grave, or puts anything on it....... not for quite awhile. My brother who

lives in Syracuse, NY did visit the graves when he was home at Xmas time....(our dad is buried there, also.)

Dee----I'm another CHICKEN when it comes to flying.....always have been nervous about it. I have flown in the past,

but did not like it. I, too, think that I passed on my fear to Dave. My husband and Dave were going to go to Las Vegas

once, and I was not going because I was working. Dave expressed to me that he, too, was a bit nervous about flying.

They had not made any firm plans, so it never came about. Dave said to me one day "I've never flown". These are

especially haunting words to me now, because the only time he flew was in the Med-Evac helicopter which life-flighted

him to the trauma center where he died one hour later in surgery. Oh-----posting pics.....I'm the same,....can't seem to

get a solid grasp on it----even when I kept a step-by-step list of the way to do it. ARGgggggghhhhh. Several of the nice

people here at BI gave me tips.......none worked for me, because I'm just not that adept at posting pics.

Trudi-----Saying Micheal's name, and remembering him on his angel day. Peace & comfort to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

MICHEAL, MICHEAL, MICHEAL - SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD ON THIS DAY. YOUR SWEET MUM SAYS IT EVERY DAY. LET HER FEEL YOUR BREATH ON HER CHEEK, THE STRENGTH OF YOUR HUG AND THE SMILE THAT LIGHTS UP YOUR FACE. Trudi - hugging you from afar and holding you close......

[summergirl]

Rhonda - You gave me chills, I would defintely find out as much as I could about this girl - I would never be at ease if I didn't try but I know that you will do what is right for you. Please keep us informed.

Carol and Dee - thank you for the advice about Tavian. I very seldom see him like that and I don't want to see it again. Being that out of control was heartbreaking for me as I know he is hurting, I can see it in his face although he is acting very angry. I am going to take him to therapy.

Suz - yes, those words feel like a kick in the gut and you want so badly to not believe but we have to or our minds will never find some sort of peace. I still find myself at times saying "Jessica is just away for awhile, in some far away place where we cannot keep in touch but she will be home soon" - knowing how silly it sounds I say it anyway if for no other reason then to make myself feel better. I am still having "shock moments" as Feb 18 draws near, not possible that it will be 5 years, HOW CAN THAT BE !!!

To all my wonderful BI friends my thoughts and prayers always with you. Going to spend a bit of time with Tavian before bed time so I will say good night. Peace, strength and Prayers...Kathy

[summergirl]

My Jess and Tavian - he was about 1

[ericasmom]

What a cute photo Kathy, love it.

Sherry, I made the soup, now all you have to do is come and get a bowl. You too Leah, soup pot is filled with hearty chicken and wild rice soup. That should cure our collective cold. I made it today for tomorrow, you know how it always tastes best the next day. Some fresh dill, garlic, red pepper and assorted other spices in that old pot, cooked two turkey legs with three chix breasts for the flavor, threw the legs out once I got the flavor from them, golly they are ugly when simmered. I put in some turnips, corn, potatoes, orange pepper, zucchini, carrots, celery and chicken. Makes the whole house smell good too.

I am sorry for Davey's first flight being the medivac, sadness. I know the feeling of the little chapels in the cemetery, they are sad little dwellings to me as well. We did not have a service there, but many do.

Okay, I will check back before bed. Love to all.

[nicksdad]

[aim630]

Michael-saying your name today & hoping you send your mom some comfort & peace today knowing you are safe.

Trudi-sending hugs & prayers your way today.

Thinking of everyone else today & hope those of you that are sick start feeling better soon

Amy/Ashley's mom

[lostwoher]

Sorry but I couldnt resist posting this:

Our Papa, Who art a Bear, Hallowed be thy fame, Thy championship come, Thy play be run, At home as it is away, Give us this day our Sunday win, And forgive us our turnovers, Though we pounce on those who turnover against us, And lead us not into fourth and long, But deliver us from Rodgers. In the ...name of Ditka, Butkus & the Holy Payton. As it was in 1985, so shall it be in 2011, reign without end. BEARDOWN!!!!

Good luck to you Packer Fans

[nicksdad]

[mysonrich]

Thank you so much Dan. He is beautiful.

Indigos, I have been following along when possible. I do try to keep up with another PC. Mine should be back up soon.

The past couple of days have been difficult to say the least. Maybe with a couple of days off before Rich's angelversary, it has allowed me more time to think about his life and death. I look at his pictures, from a baby to a fine young man. From sitting in his baby-seat to his HS graduation. So much hope in those last couple of years after some struggles, hard knocks...and coming into his own I am left to wonder what lesson can be learned from his life. Much . there is so much missing form our lives now. well. it all just pisses me off allover again. I guess that may fade in more time.

I don't have a special event planned today. Snowy, frozen rain day. Depending on the weather I may see Sarah later. We will see.

I'll see you all soon and I do read daily. I'm just out of sorts without my laptop and "my spot".

I miss you Rich and I love you very very much.

[hotrod]

RICH, RICH RICH

TOUCH MOM TODAY WITH THE BEAUTY OF YOUR SPIRIT,

THE JOY OF YOUR HEART

THE WARMTH OF YOUR LOVE

BETSY IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.

[ericasmom]

RICH

RICH

RICH

Your name blesses your Momma like a song. You were born to her like a song. Blessings on this Day and each.Kiss her cheek today and let her feel your presence.

Betsy, I am holding you through the days. May this day somehow offer you some gentleness.

[Guest msnher]

RICH, RICH, RICH, RICH, RICH Never forgotten. Hugs to you Betsy.

[shorty16]

Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich

Saying his name loud and clear - Thinking of MOM today too

Colleen

[Crystal16]

RICH..RICH..RICH

YOUR SPIRITUAL PRESENCE WITH YOUR MOM TODAY... SHOWER HER WITH YOUR LOVE.

[westleysmom]

RICH RICH RICH

You are missed and loved by your Mom and family, on this and every day.

Betsy-Holding you close in thought today and wishing you hear the song of Rich in your heart loud and clear and eternal. I kept this quote, I thought it was from you, but it may not be. I try to tell myself this every day, and sometimes it works.

So, until the day I close my eyes and breathe in and out for the last time, I am going to be the person my son loved and was proud of. That person was not angry, didn't walk around with a bad case of "the woes is me" and tried to live in and with love.

[mikesmomrs]

RICH...RICH...RICH...always echoing in your heart, remembering his life, his sweetness, his loves, and his "self"....always. Rich, surround your mom today with your spirit and brush her cheek with your love...

Betsy: holding you close today, sending comfort and strength as your heart moves through this day...Rich ws so much more than "that last day," he was a son, a brother, a friend...first and foremost, he was RICH...always, and ever.

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Alright Lynn - I have one too!!

The Green Bay Packers, who art in Lambeau,

hallowed be thine name.

Thy bowl will come, it will be won,

in Dallas as it will be in Soldier Field.

Give us this Sunday our weekly win

and forgive the Chicago Bears, as you will not let them

pass against us.

Lead us not into frustration, but deliver us from the Windy City.

For thine is the MVP, the best of the NFC, and the glory of the Cheeseheads, now and forever.

Go Pack!!

Colleen

[kmb22]

Rich..Rich...Rich wrap your Mom in your love today show her you're always by her side. Betsy Holding you close in thought and prayer.

[lostwoher]

Good one Colleen!

[Bensmummy]

I had no idea that the Lords prayer had taken on new meaning...LOL thank you for the enlightment ..though Im one Aussie girl who doesnt have a clue what you are talking about....Bears and Green Pack Cheeseheads..hahahahahahha now thats setting me up for some weird dreams as I head off to bed. May there be draw and you are both happy! LoL night night Michelle

[lostwoher]

I hope they are funny dreams Michelle. Its American Football! Chicago Bears ( Illinois ) vs Green Bay Packers ( Wisconsin )

Its all in fun.

[Bensmummy]

I hope they are funny dreams Michelle. Its American Football! Chicago Bears ( Illinois ) vs Green Bay Packers ( Wisconsin )

Its all in fun.

We dont have such cool names over here..we have like ..Cats and Eagles and Bull dogs. You guys have great names for te teams..and your football is way more exciting..Ours sucks ..I get bored and just walk off. LoL yep Im sure to have fabulous dreams.

[rlolheiser]

Rich, Rich, Rich... keep your mom warm today and encompass her with your bright and shining love..

Betsy, thinking of you and holding you close in my heart

[rlolheiser]

My cold has really got me down, not ready to do much posting, just mostly reading, and that I am afraid I will have to do again cause I can't get things in my head

Thinking of you all and holding you close

[mikesmomrs]

Ok, you guys, have fun with your football...I will cheer on all the teams, as I have no particular allegiance, though Mike was fond of the Dolphins (as he used to say, "If I HAD to have a team I liked, it would be the Dolphins." But I am glad you are having fun. It's always a good thing to have something that you can be passionate about.

Mike created in us the passion for baseball...Red Sox, to be exact. And it is 38 days, 22 hours, and 43 minutes til they report for spring training, and 79 days, 22 hours and 43 minutes til they swing that bat for the first season game!!! Do you think I am anxiosu!? You BET! Go SOX!

love, carol mikesmomrs (Red Sox)

PS: Sweet dreams, Michelle.

[Crystal16]

My heart sank today when I read an old email from Ashlee asking me if she could move back in with me two days prior to the shooting.

She lived with her dad for almost a year after the divorce but we saw each other regularly. We had gone through a bad patch Ashlee and I where I didn’t like Dylan and did not want Ashlee to be around him all the time. Dave allowed the opposite because he wanted Ashlee to be happy and not leave him…… I dwell on this all the time and wish I would have stayed married then the kids would have not rebelled and sought destructive behavior and or people.

[Crystal16]

Carol- I am also a RED SOX fan...

[mikesmomrs]

Crystal: that's right, I remember your saying that you sometimes go to spring training games...wow, that would be awesome...warm weather even sooner!

I am sorry about your reading the old email from Ashlee...I don't think there is anyone here who doesn't find guilt somewhere, Crystal, but we can all see it objectively in others and let them know that this is normal...if it wasn't one thing to feel guilty about, it would be another. I think a lot of healing has to do with letting it go, and I think sometimes that is why healing can take so long and be so painful... the letting go of that guilt can be difficult...sometimes it is the difficult things that allow us to breathe...we need to breathe in order to feel, and we need to feel in order to breathe. Hold tight, Crystal, we are with you.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

RICH-----RICH-----RICH. Remembering you today. You are always remembered & loved.

Betsy-----Sending thoughts & prayers to you today. May Rich's love surround you with his warm

and beaming smile.

Leah----Sorry you are still under the weather.Just try to take it easy and get as much rest as you can.

I think rest is the most important thing.

Don't have much to say today. Just thinking about everyone here at BI, and wishing you all peace & comfort.

Dan----Your graphics tribute for Rich is beautiful......as usual. Thanks.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Rich, Rich, Rich-Hold your mom close today & let your love shine down on her.

Betsy-Thinking of you on this difficult day. Hoping you find some peace.

Crystal-I understand the guilt, because I feel it myself, but we were just doing the best we could, and never expected something like this to happen. Ashlee knows you love her & wanted what was best for her. You shouldn't blame yourself for getting divorced. My parents were happily married for 40 years, but when I was a teenager, I went through a rebellious stage of drinking (& getting pregnant at 17). I was lucky I never got into an accident, or into more trouble. It's just a stage a lot of kids go through, where they think they know what is best and don't realize we're speaking with some wisdom. I feel guilty because about a month before Ashley got sick, she said I never called her except when I was complaining about her not paying her bills or something. I feel really bad that we never had more time to talk after that.

Carol-I thought I was the only one counting down the days to spring training & opening day! Katie & I have tickets to the Indians home opener. She'll have to miss school, but she has not missed one day of high school (she's a senior) except when Ashley died a year ago, and she's 2nd in her class. I really hope the school does not give me a hard time about her missing one day. I'm just going to say we're going on a family trip! Unfortunately, I was born in Cleveland and raised about an hour south of there, so I root for all the horrible Cleveland teams. We have fun anyways at the games. Being a Cleveland fan though, means I strongly dislike the Steelers, so I don't really care who wins this weekend as long as the Steelers lose!

Leah-Sorry you are still sick. Colds are the worst because they seem to last forever, and there's nothing you can do except wait it out, feeling miserable.

Michelle-Katie (& Ashley) both played soccer since they were very young, so I've sat through a lot of soccer games. I always thought they were exciting, because one of my kids was playing, but I've watched soccer on TV & it is very boring. Hardly any scoring at all! Katie was a goalkeeper, so I always prayed the scoring was on the other end of the field from where she was.

So, until the day I close my eyes and breathe in and out for the last time, I am going to be the person my son loved and was proud of. That person was not angry, didn't walk around with a bad case of "the woes is me" and tried to live in and with love.

I love that quote, and wish I could be like that. It is so difficult some days. I wish I could be the person I was, happy-go-lucky with a positive attitude. If I start feeling positive now, then I bring myself down by making myself think about all that has happened. I wish I could quit doing that, maybe someday it will get easier.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Crystal16]

I remember when I was seventeen and knew everything too. I wish God would have given me more time with Ashlee thou.

Yes, Carol the weather is awesome during spring training. No complaints here-

[ericasmom]

Amy, one day you will be able to do just that. You will feel lighter and sustain feeling good for longer periods. NOt now, too soon, but yes, one day. I agree with what Carol said, it takes time to trust giving up the guilt, that is sometimes what we think we still have as a connection, but when you start to let some of it go, you will be amazed at the space inside you'll have for really nice memories, You will never forget HER. Crystal, same to you, I know that kind of guilt, boy do I. Eri wanted to go with my sister and me to visit my other sister and I told her it was just a sister visit, no others just we three. It was just two weeks after our trip not even, that she was hit. Oh my, letting that go was hard, but necessary.

Talk more later,

dee

[summergirl]

RICH, RICH, RICH - I PRAY THAT YOU BRUSHED YOUR MOM'S CHEEK TODAY, THAT SHE FELT THE SOFTNESS OF YOUR SWEET BREATH, THAT SHE FELT YOUR HUG.....Betsy- always in my heart, big hugs to you.

[mikesmum]

Betsy - My Micheal keeps great company....thinking of you and your Rich today.

Dan - What can I say? Thank you so much for the beautiful work you do.

Taking it slow and easy..

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Morning All,

Truds, glad to see your Sweet-faced-boy this morning. Slow and easy is the way to go when at all possible.

I had a terrible night of sleep, coughing out of the blue, wide awake several different times, so finally gave it up at 4:15 and did some work on the presentation I must do on the 28th adn 29th. I am presenting to Chicagoland area teachers on writing with kids. I hope I do okay, I guess not being sure of my presentation has some hand in my not sleeping well, plus, I am thinking it might be a full moon or nearly so. I get like this when the moon is full sometimes, sleep evades my clutches. It has been so cloudy for so many days now that I am unsure of the moon. I NEED SOME SUNLIGHT.

Okay, well I do hope everyone has a great day, now that I am up I have a better sense of being able to rather than laying there fretting about being tired.

Love to EVERYONE,

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Mariah brought a note home from her teacher yesterday. She wants to meet with me over concerns she has for Mariah. I'm already defensive which doesn't bode well with my serenity. Sheese. I've been down this road 30 years ago. I am not willing to go down it again. Worrying about being judged or patronized. I won't do it. This is not about ME...it's about Mariah and her needs. My mind is sure running amuck, though. The fact is I don't have time to have my nervous breakdown. Darn! I was looking forward to a full year in bed. I put a stop to the visits from their dad and I know it's bothering the kids. I tried to explain it to Mariah, making myself the bad guy, but its still had on her. My reasons are sound, but I can't expect a child to understand. I'll meet with the teacher this morning and then make a counseling appt with the counselor for Mariah. I think it's time for me to begin seeing a different counselor, myself. Don is the counselor that Gary and I saw together when we first got married. I've known him and his wife for years. They lost their 14 year old daughter in a sleighing accident several years ago. He gets it. Julie, the counselor I went to after Steph died, is great and just what I needed at the time. But, mostly she thinks I'm "grieving remarkably well". What does that mean anyway? Grieving remarbably well. Hmm.

I even called the pastor who officiated Steph's service to talk to him when I thought I was sinking into the pit of depression. He said I was more in touch with my emotions than anyone he had ever met and I was going to be just fine.

What does that mean? Just because I know I'm an emotional wreck I'm going to be okay? Hmm. Sometimes I feel like standing on a table in the middle of a crowd and yelling "I'M NOT REALLY HERE!" Of course, if someone notices or comments on the fact that I'm not quite my old self and/or they're worried about me I become indignant, defensive and arrogant. "Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis!?"

I feel so sorry for these poor kids being raised by me. I'm much too selfish to raise children. I make a great grandma that you visit once in a while, but I'm too darn lazy to be a full time mother. Thank God we all have Gary. So consistent.

Truth is I feel sorry for me. But, it's now time to accept Stephanie has died, her children have been through hell and my job didn't end with them when the judge ruled we be allowed to keep them. If anything, my job began.

Well, you know me. I have to ramble and write to figure myself out. I'm more confused now than I was before I turned my laptop on. Guess I'll shower and go to the meeting and find out what the teacher wants. I just don't want to be the reason these kids are messed up.

Selfish. Making a meeting with the teacher for my granddaughter about me. Ugh!

Thanks for listening.

Susannah

[Bensmummy]

Susannah...You are so normal..not selfish just maybe pissed off that you have been ripped off in having the so called life that we think is the normal life. You know the kids grow up have kids and you get to dote on them as Grandma and then give them back all full of lollies and bouncing off the wall from food coloring and sugar..LOL

I have a little suggestion. and it sort of comes in the form of a question too. Do you ever get to be just grandma?? Is there away you can take each child on their own ..not all together for a grandma treat day ..just to have fun, shop, movies fun stuff. Maybe you do this already. I think maybe you are grieving the loss of been a grandma too. Just a thought. Take it easy on yourself your not perfect...lol and very very human. Also the overwhelming responsibility of these children would make my knees shake at times. Your up for it darling just dig deep...but yes allow yourself to have a moment of self indulgence ..that is not selfish its called survival. hugs Michelle xo