Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

AMEN Michelle, Ben is safe. And that is the peace that I also know of my Girl and all of our Angels, they are indeed safe and well beyond fine.

A lovely tribute to your Boy, may he always know of your deep love.

[nicksdad]

Not sure how many watched the President last night, but I thought it was done very nice.

One part did stick out to me. When he was saying about loss is unexpected, we are shaken out of our routines, it's time to reflect on the past....

Then he followed up with:

Did we spend enough time with an aging parent? Did we express our gratitude for the sacrifices they made for us?

Did we tell a spouse just how desperately we love them not just once in a while but every single day?

Then he continued on with the speech...I was waiting for him to mention children, but the more I thought about it I suppose he really does not write the speech, and whoever did (or group that did) probably never experienced the loss of a child or chooses not to think about it, and that is why that part was never put in.

Dumb thought I know...but it just stuck out to me.

[Guest msnher]

I was very proud of Obama last night. I thought he did an excellent job. I re-read his speech and found many references to loving our children, doing right by them. I especially appreciate his words of encouragement about living up to Christina's expectations of what she thought America to be. Last night I saw him as the leader I voted for.

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo's;

I am physically shakey today. Literally. I have decided it's time to wean myself off of the anti depressant I've been taking for over a year, now. I've never been one to rely on drugs to make me feel better but I needed the extra help to function after Steph died. After researching some of the side effects of the drug, I am not sure if I really don't feel good or if it's the drugs. I'm not too excited for the withdrawal effects but if I don't allow myself to go through them (the withdrawals) I will never know how I really feel. I'm doing it carefully...against the doc's advice. He wants me on them for two more years. I disagree.

Mariah is home for her second day of not feeling well. Pretty much the same stuff I had. I managed to clean the kitchen and wash a load of clothes, as well as get Jonathon and Jasmine to school.

I also showered and did my hair, so I do feel like I accomplished something, at least.

Nick I didn't mean to sound disagreeable earlier. I did notice that President Obama got choked up and had to pause when he mentioned Christina Green. I noticed Mrs Obama was crying. It's just a sad situation.

Anyway, I want the old Susannah back. The one who doesn't quit. The woman who can have her house cleaned and organized within an hour of waking up. The woman who cooks for her family. I am no longer devastated by Stephanie's death. I will always feel the empty space she occupied, but not to the point of not being able to function. I now blame the drugs in my system. We'll see what happens.

Love to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

My heart and prayers are with so many in Australia who have lost family members and their homes. So sad.

[nicksdad]

Susannah..

In regards to this:

Nick I didn't mean to sound disagreeable earlier. I did notice that President Obama got choked up and had to pause when he mentioned Christina Green. I noticed Mrs Obama was crying. It's just a sad situation.

No problem at all. But, I think you misunderstood my post. My point was after he said about "reflect on the past" and..

Did we spend enough time with an aging parent? Did we express our gratitude for the sacrifices they made for us?

Did we tell a spouse just how desperately we love them not just once in a while but every single day?

In my mind he would of / could of said:

Did we tell our children we loved them enough?

Did we hug our children as often as we could have?

My thought is people that write these things do "not" think about the loss of a child in the same regards as a parent or spouse because it's not something others want to think about.

[westleysmom]

Betty-I'm so glad to hear from you and hope that your Sister continues to improve. You are in my thoughts even when you don't get to post.

Dan-What a beautiful tribute to Westley. I saved it to my pictures. I listened to the speech as well and noted that he stopped short of the loss of a child, which I thought odd since Christina is such a focus of the senselessness of the tragedy. But I thought overall he did a good job and like you, think that most people shy away from mentioning the loss of a child like that will keep it from being real. My friend Jenny, whose son Jeremy died in 2001 called and I read her the poem you put in here. She thought it was beautiful too. She went to Compassionate Friends for several years, but said she has not been going lately. But I gave her a card on the Sunday before the fourth, the day that Jeremy died, and she sent me one that I received day before yesterday. It is amazing how many people have been through this, and still live and breathe. When it first happens, you think you'll die, and almost wish you could, or had instead of them. But we are still here, with a little help from our friends. You are a good friend, Dan, that I am lucky to have. Thank you again too for adding Westley to your Never Lose Faith webpage thing. I am so technologically backward, I never could have gotten it out there, and I appreciate you so much.

Susannah-Good luck with the stopping the meds, I never got on anything, although my dr offered. You are getting something done, you have nothing to apologize for. Dee says that some days, all you can do is cry to get to the next day, and I believe she's right. So if all I get done today is tears, so be it. I will never be the person I was a year ago yesterday, but maybe she wasn't that great anyway. All I know is that we are changed forever by our loss, and there is no going back. The woman I am now is all I have left, and I have to make the best of it. Peace and hugs to you, who are a blessing to your family and to me.

Thank you all for your remembering Westley Dee Wall, who was my only son and who I miss with all of my heart. I would give anything to see him right now, and I hope that he knows how much I love and miss him. As we all miss our angels every moment of every day. I told my friend last night as I left work that it was just another day, and they all suck pretty much. But she knew I didn't really feel that way, or I wouldn't have taken off work. I slept much too late and haven't done much of anything except talk to Jenny and my Mama. Mama lost her youngest grandchild, and she's had this same cold that we've had and hasn't been feeling well at all. I know she loved him and lost him too, sometimes I can't bear to think about her pain because mine is so large that it fills my mind and my vision. But we all lost him, we are all different from who we were because he is gone. He wasn't perfect, but neither am I, none of us are. We'll be together again some day, and it will be wonderful.

Michelle-Thank you for your kind words and you are still on my heart. As are you Amy, Betsy, and Trudi as the days approach that are milestones for you. I would not have made it without you all and thank God that I found you.

I don't know if I'll go to the cemetery alone, but my husband may be late getting in, it may be dark if I wait. It is cold and sunny, beautiful day outside, but I haven't been out much. My thoughts are with you all.

[rlolheiser]

Not much to post today.. just letting you all know I am ok..

Thinking today of Westley... and his mom and dad... may you feel him next to you today and always

[daveydow1]

Hello Indigos----I've been down with the flu----missed so many posts----can't catch up.

WESTLEY.......WESTLEY......DEAR WESTLEY. SMILE DOWN ON YOUR MOM TODAY, AND WARM HER HEART.

Thinking of you, Rhonda.......sending prayers that your memories of your dear son......although bittersweet.....will

comfort you with the love you had for him, and he for you. Peace, friend.

Betty---- Prayers that your sis will return to good health. I'lll be thinking of you. Take care, and peace be with you.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY DEAR BEN.

Prayers for you also, Michelle.

Dan-----Your tributes are just beautiful.

Davey&Lisasmon, Sherry

[daniellemom]

Rhonda - My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today. Wesley is right there with you holding your hand.

Sorry I have'nt been posting it's crazy right now in my life. My cousin has stage 3 breast cancer we are very close to each other and it's really getting to me. I hope and pray she is going to be ok, and I really think she will be. There was a car accident the other morning where a 14 year old boy was killed in a car accident on the way to school and his cousin hit black ice. So very sad another mother joins the club.

To everyone I'm trying to catch up on the post maybe one day.

Dee - So glad you are back at work.

Carol - I loved your Christmas present from Cathi!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[Guest msnher]

I think you're right, Dan. It's so unthinkable they choose not to speak about it. I realize I called you Nick earlier. I apologize for the mix up even though I'm sure Nick's name is music to your ears.

[mikesmum]

Gotta love the gliches in the internet. Yes I had a large post, POOF gone.

In essence......

Dan - Unless the experience is first hand, those who try to covet loss miss losing a child. It something that belies the 'natural order'. Did you hug your child was a bumper sticker in days gone by..Never needed a sticker to remind me....

The loss here is overwhelming. Story in last night of a young family stuck on the roof of their car. Two boys 10 & 11 and their mum. As rescuers reached them the eldest boy pushed his younger brother forward. As they secured the young boy the waters surged and the car was taken.

Michelle – Your words bring ‘life’ to your boy. So much more than the day he left.

This weekend is bittersweet. Miss Emily will be 12 tomorrow. A milestone in our lives. Another timestamp in mine. I will take Michelle’s advice and ‘embrace’ my son. It’s our 4th angelversary. I feel this year that am able to ‘breath between the spaces’ a little more than before. Quiet time at Mikes place will be in order if the river hasn’t broken its banks...

We are the Indigos, we have felt the deepest ache of loss, we have survived, without knowing how or why. Maybe because as Indigo's collectively we have strength in our support for each other, borne from 'knowing'..

The pics are from our “Summer Vacation”.

The place is called Amaze n Things. It is truly awesome and mind bending....

[ericasmom]

All I know is that we are changed forever by our loss, and there is no going back. The woman I am now is all I have left, and I have to make the best of it.

Rhonda, I love that you have the sense of making the best of what is left. And there will be days when you will chuck that thought as just plain impossible, but to my ears, to my heart, I hear you working on seeing your way back to the light that will shine with more strength as days go by. My goodness, Westley must be sitting there with his newest Buddy, Ben, and the two of them beaming brighter than two moons.

Trudi, I read today about the brave young man whose life was lost when he secured his brother's life. Ahh the enduring spirit of goodness. May that Boy never feel guilt as this Brother has done what he could with what they had left...I think too, that Michelle's advice to embrace the day, the Boy, is the very best advice if it is within your ability. Embracing the Child/Man that is forever your Son/Sun.

Dan I felt that Barrack's speech was beautiful as well. At first, when the speeches began, I was put off by all the applause until I realized that this was just what the folks there, all 26,000 needed. Their lives were changed so desperately and needed this coming together, this cheering the goodness that still exists all around them.

When Barrack spoke, there were two distinct times that his eyes welled and his voice quaked and his chin was tight, holding back a cry, and each time it was when he spoke of Dear Christina. His own two daughters on his mind as he spoke about families that were forever changed by this one moment in time. As we all know so clearly how a moment changes life. Anyhow, I thought last night as I wept through his melodic words, which by the way I believe he is the author of most his own speeches, that he stopped short of saying that one sentence about telling your children how dear they are each day because he may of been thinking about the Green family and how even something lovely like that could invoke guilt on thier part. What if that day they had not yet imparted all the love they may have on other days...

So even though my thinking is convoluted, this is how I listened last night, I thought that he was scooting right around that loss knowing too that he was going to address Christina specifically.

I loved his speech for all the strength his words have in unifying and clarifying. Today, at schoool, seeing my little girl who looks and is so like Christina, I thought of how dear the words that Christina's Daddy spoke that first day, "those 9 years in between have been great, magical."

Let us always be thankful and filled by the years we have enjoyed in the presence of our Children.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, hilarious photos, love them. Happy birthday Ms. Em.

[aim630]

Just a couple quick notes...I am exhausted, have had a ton of overtime at work the past couple of weeks.

Westley, Westley, Westley...Let your mom & dad know you're still with them, and always will be.

Rhonda-Thinking about you today, and hoping you felt Westley around you. He knows how much you love him & miss him. Hugs to you today.

Dan-you always make such nice tributes. I saved the one you did for Ashley on her birthday & sent it to some of my relatives. I am technologically backwards also. We all appreciate how you remember our kids.

I never thought I could survive if something happened to one of my kids, but we do survive, although we never will be the same. I just have to remember I can't change anything about the past, only how I react to the here & now, it's just so hard sometimes.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[kmb22]

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[Guest msnher]

"Save my brother first."

And, a little child shall lead them.

Dearest Creator; help me to make the courage of that boy and the hope of Christina Green a reality in my life.

[mikesmomrs]

"Dearest Creator; help me to make the courage of that boy and the hope of Christina Green a reality in my life."

A beautiful prayer, Susannah, thank you for putting these thoughts into words. I pray as Christina soars with all of the angels gone before her, and this new little friend from Australia, Jordan, (and his mum, Donna) she will impart some of her beautiful spirit on those left behind...those who knew and loved her, and those who have only just learned of her being. May Blake carry the love of his brother proudly...

So much tragedy in the world, weather-wise and otherwise...my heart aches...

Holding tightly to all of those so close to those days of reminders....birthdays, angel dates...know that youa re in my prayers and thoughts.

love and peace

carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

All I know is that we are changed forever by our loss, and there is no going back. The woman I am now is all I have left, and I have to make the best of it.

The woman I am now in many ways is more intuitive and compassionate. While others are reeling from the horror and loss, we have been 'steeled' by our own experience.

Prayers for those left to live on for its they who will need the strength facing their futures without those who went before....

[mikesmomrs]

Trud: Love the pics...they are too cute...is Caleb (or is it Zak?) not too fond of being there? I am glad you are getting a chance to spend some time with those wonderful kids...and they with their wonderful granma.

Michelle: I too love your post about Ben to the paint-ball site...he is there, with you...I know you wish you could reach out and hold him, but he is there, just beyond the veil that separates us from those we wish so much were here with us. Mike loved to play paint ball, also, but didn't get to do it too often, with three kids in his life. Couple of times a year, his previous boss from the job he held at the wood-cutting place, would hold a huge paint-ball party out at his place...he had a huge woodsy place in the country, and they would be out there all day. One of his true delights. I love the pic of Ben on the paint-ball site.

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

[rlolheiser]

Good morning all,

Not a lot going on around here, I read all the posts and my heart goes out to everybody. There is just to much sadness in the world, I pray that I can make my part of it a little better every day. Watching the news breaks my heart anymore, such beautiful children in the world.. and so many lessons to learn.

Dan, me too.. I saved JaBoa's picture you did last. It was so beautiful, I sent it to a couple of my family members that might understand, but not sure they did. My daughter loved it though and that was wonderful. You just have such a beautiful talent and heart.

I was reading about how losing our babies have changed us. I agree.. My daughter tells me all the time in tears how she misses being who she was, how the accident changed her, How the old her died. I wish I could make her understand that the old her did leave this world and she has to build on who she is. No, it isn't fair, it isn't right.. but we will never be who we were. I told her she has to work on her again, and she got mad at me and told me .. You changed to mom.. you are more angry.. more unforgiving.. I didn't argue with her. I have changed.. I try not to be angry, but I admit I get that way.. as for unforgiving, I don't know if I call it unforgiving. I think it is that I can't handle stupid people that don't want to better themselves in this world. I am sure she is referring to her boyfriend. No I cant forgive him.. not yet, maybe never.. I don't believe he is trying to change, not when I hear their conversations over the phone. But she isn't the strong woman she was when she over came her Meth addiction.. and I am not the same, I have an empty place.

Sherry, sorry to hear you have the flu.. take care and get better soon. I am glad you were feeling well enough to check in it was nice to see Davey and Lisa's name

Trudi, love you pictures.. those kind of places always amaze me..

Dee, your so right.. I am so thankful for the 10 years I had my girl.. yes there are so many things I yearn for.. but I had her.. I saw a special little girl, held her, loved her.. and treasured her long before I lost her.. and for that I am thankful

I guess I better get running... mom has been getting up early a lot.. and then back to bed.. but I try to attend to her each time..

Thinking of you all... stay safe

[Guest msnher]

I've read on facebook that some people are having a hard time getting on Beyond Indigo...I just saw it briefly and am not sure exactly who posted or if there was more than one. Just a head's up...

"I will never be the same." I knew that as I walked from the hospital after seeing my daughter's body for the first time. I thought I would be sad every moment of every day for the rest of my life, but I was wrong. I thought I would never laugh again, but I was wrong. I was right that I will never be the same. But, maybe that's a good thing, too. I don't know.

Last night I got busy and cleaned Jonathon's room. My first intention was to just lay out his pajamas but when I saw several of his shirts and hangers on the floor of his closet, I knew it was time to get busy. It felt so good to walk away from his room with all his toys organized and his clothes where they go. After vacuuming, I felt quite proud of myself as I crawled into bed to settle into sleep without guilt. And, then I turned on my laptop and right in front of me was the picture of my daughter I use as a screen saver and it shocked me. The breath wasn't sucked out of me, it just slowly drained with one exhale.

I wasn't devastated by the sadness, I found it interesting or teaching/telling. I had a "That's It." kind of experience. That's what triggers not only my grief but my laziness. I have been preventing myself from being who I am...clean and organized...because I might just enjoy myself and not think about Stephanie and then when I remember it's more painful.

If any of that makes any sense...

I will never be the same. That's a reality. But, I must find the strength and courage to live at all. I must find the courage to enjoy life. If I stay horded up in my home I will never have the privledge of meeting the Jordan's and Christina's of the world. What am I saying? I live with three of them.

Anyway, because of Obama's speech and the bravery of a little boy from Australia, I am determined to live better than I have been.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

My Indigo Pals

I have been in the background reading, but do not have much energy to post.

Trevor is out of our house. The escalating incidents in school gave us no choice. Trevor's constant inability to function in a social setting is a tough one to deal with. I saw a change in Aaron that was not good. The final straw was pushing a Teacher (a woman) into the lockers (twice) because Trevor refused to remove his hat and they did it for him. This rule of no hats has been in force since I can remember.

I am sick - The Trevor I saw at home does not seem to be the Trevor that goes out into the world. After he ran away, I cleaned his room and found bottles of beer, liqiuor, rotting food, soiled clothing, etc. Trevor has spent his whole life hiding his vises - he is very good at it.

Of course my husband is beating himself up - he feels he failed yet another child. I continue to tell him that we brought Trevor into our home, but he could not or would not change his ways.

I was a fool to get involved in this - thinking that leading by example and love could solve this problem - how ignorant I am. I am in a very dark place right now. The devil is shouting in my ear.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - You are not a fool. You did not fail. Believing otherwise is believing a lie. Remember the words you said to me when I was beating myself up? Well, neither can I right now. But, you told me to stop it. We talked about putting down the whipping stick. I'm sorry you're in a dark place. I'm not in that dark place right now, but I'm not afraid of it, do you mind if I sit with you for a while? I just want my friend to know she's not alone. You're not a failure. You're not a fool. You're wonderful. You're not perfect, but you weren't meant to be. None of us were. We're here to make mistakes. We're here to learn. And, please remember, this incident with Trevor has nothing to do with Brian. It might bring up some of those same feelings, but it's not the same. You spent your first Christmas at home this year, you tried to save a young man from himself and you are still learning to live without your son everyday. Be gentle on yourself. Just know I am settled, comfortably in, with you today.

I love you!

Susannah

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen: I am right there beside you also, holding your hand if you need that added in. I can't say anything that Sus hasn't already said...she has made the point well. We will try to bring some light to that dark place you are in, and will also pray for your husband, that he will recognize his efforts not as failures but as brave attempts to rejoin the world and help make things right. Trevor's problems seem to be so deep-seated, perhaps he needs intense professional help. I pray he gets it. sending love to you, my friend.

Carol mikesmomrs

[Crystal16]

Good morning all,

I’ve read many posts and I too agree we will never be the same… God has changed us forever!

Colleen- You did your very best and Trevor makes his own choices, he also loss a great deal. This may be the only way he knows how to handle this season he is going through. It's a process and I pray God will guide him…

The last three days have been difficult for me I was sick with the stomach flu and missed Ashlee terribly during those low moments… I long too feel her as most of us her have articulated through writings the great loss we are feeling lately.

Love and peace to all….

[hoosiermom]

Colleen,

I saw a sign on a church one day as I drove to work that said "It is easier to raise a child than to repair an adult"

At 17, Trevor is nearly an adult and you could not possibly undo all the damage that had been done. I am so sorry that it did not work out as you had hoped, but you are certainly not to blame.

Hugs to you dear lady

Jenn

[ericasmom]

Col, taking Trevor into your homes and hearts was a risk you all chanced, not knowing the outcome but hoping for better times for him, lessons for him to see a healthy existence with hope too that he would then work to have that in his life. It is important for you to know that we applaud this effort, the amazing heart you and Scott and the kids have shown. It is so very important that you and Scott and the kids know that what you all worked to do was out of goodness and while it was not met with success as you would like to see, the outcome is due to this young man, Trevor who could not allow goodness to fully come into his world. He may even feel threatened by goodness, he sabotaged it at many turns because we humans tend to reach for what is most comfortable, and what is most comfortable is what we know best, our past. Those of us that were abused as kids often date and marry or continue that pattern on until we fully understand the pattern, (which often does not happen until we are older), because it is what we know. The unknown, the goodness part, heck, that is scary to some kids whose lives have been so very altered by the bad. Goodness requires something they don't possess, they never learned goodness. They may and we may think that they do, but when it came down to it, Trevor could not deliver. He could not live up to standards that have never been present in his life. I do want to just hug you and tell you that no matter what is going on today however, there inside Trevor deep in his heart, in his knowing, there were several months when he was safe, when he was warm and well fed, when he did homework and folks had faith in him. That may go a lot farther than you think Col, it may be what calls him forth one day when he is in his 20's or 30's or whenever...sometimes it is that memory of a time that showed him what grace is, that could mean all the difference in the world. Hold each other tight today and remember what you did as an act of courage and kindness and faith. Trevor was given so much in a short amount of time and he could not handle it, but one day it may be what makes him shine.

I hope that you feel Brian's pride in you too, for taking this on and for using your hearts in such a way.

[ericasmom]

a song for all the hearts here, i do believe its message is quite important.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1I90JcF85o&feature=related

[shorty16]

Indigos

Thanks so much for being there for me to lean on. I am seeing in Trevor everything his Mother saw. I really thought if I trusted him and loved him --- that would be enough.

My son , Aaron is upset that Trevor never called after he left the house - running from his problems.

We have dinner tonight with our neighbors and they are going to ask us how Trevor is doing? We are going to say that Trevor chose to go back to his Brothers house. We will end it there. My neighbors do not need to know the gory details that I tell to all of you.

Thanks my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I'm so sorry that things didn't work out with Trevor like you wanted them to. Maybe someday he will remember that time he spent with you and your family and how life can be, and be able to build that kind of life for himself. Susannah is right, try to remind yourself and Scott that this has nothing to do with Brian, and everything to do with Trevor's past history. You only fail if you fail to try, and you and Scott tried to help Trevor. I visit the dark place so often I have my own parking space, but I know that it can only be a temporary place where I go when I can't bear the light. I hope the light becomes bearable to you soon, but if the dark place helps today, I am there with you dear friend.

Susannah-When you said

"I wasn't devastated by the sadness, I found it interesting or teaching/telling. I had a "That's It." kind of experience. That's what triggers not only my grief but my laziness. I have been preventing myself from being who I am...clean and organized...because I might just enjoy myself and not think about Stephanie and then when I remember it's more painful."

it made perfect sense to me. The fear of having a good day at this point seems to be as strong as the fear of a bad day. Not that I want to have bad days, but what kind of mother am I if I have a good day? What does it say about the person I've become if I have a good day? I want it to mean that I'm strong, that I have faith, that I am doing what needs to be done, but it feels like it means that I've forgotten, gotten over, whatever you want to call it, the death of my son. Feelings are sometimes treacherous I have to remind myself. I FEEL guilty about what happened to Westley, even though I know I didn't cause it to happen. I feel lots of things that aren't true, and this fear is one of them.

Sonya-It was good to see your Danielle smiling at me yesterday, or whenever it was, time is slippery to me these days.

Crystal-Sorry to hear you've been sick and hope you are getting better.

Leah-Anger when someone isn't doing the right thing is not wrong! I so wish that this man didn't have such a hold on your daughter and she could see his manipulation for what it is. I know, if wishes were horses and all that. Thinking of you and hoping that your foot is better and its not so cold there you can't breathe!

Dee-Nice song and video. Thanks. I had to fill the bird feeder this a.m., the snow made them bolder in coming to eat, or the cat lazier in patrolling the area.

There was quite a few of Westley's friends when my husband went to the cemetery last night. I thought he wanted to go alone, so I stayed home, but they were all there. I heard from quite a few people and had a lovely bouquet at work when I got here this a.m. from out of town colleagues. It was very nice of them to remember. I'd had a few phone calls from out of town people here who left messages, and some e-mails too. I imagine over time those gestures become less and less, but for now, I appreciate their remembering. And all of your's yesterday. It really does help to know that people recognize that your loss is not gone after six months or a year, it is your's forever.

Have a good day all if you can.

[kmb22]

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[Guest msnher]

"It is easier to raise a child than repair an adult". Very wise, Jenn. I love the video and song, "Hey, hey hey" Dee.

I am encouraged by all of you and the love and compassion you each show. While God may have received the very best, he left some of the best right here, in each of you!

Much love, Susannah

[kmb22]

"The fear of having a good day at this point seems to be as strong as the fear of a bad day. Not that I want to have bad days, but what kind of mother am I if I have a good day? What does it say about the person I've become if I have a good day?"

Rhonda - These words bring tears to my eyes. These thoughts pierce through me each day...they leave me paralyzed most days Our minds, and others, tell us our children would never want us to feel this way but our shattered hearts prevail. Though I know there was nothing I could have done differently that night I'm tortured by all the thoughts which race in my mind. I replay every moment, each conversation, but the feelings of failure toward the one thing which held the highest, and only true, importance in my life...to keep my child safe...are unbearable. I wish I had words of comfort for you but I too am lost.

Susannah - Thank you. Each time I reach the depths, I find here that small ray of light which keeps me holding on. Yes some of the bests are here and I thank God for each one of you every day.

[Crystal16]

I just found out Dylan's (the one who shot my daughter) attorney has asked for a third bail hearing scheduled February 15th. The family is trying to lower the amount even more for him to be released. So many emotions racing through my head That would mean we would see him in the community, my niece and nephew would have to go to school with him. I’m not sure my family can emotionally handle bumping into him at this time. It has only been 5 months and I dread someone would cause a scene or worst yet cause him bodily harm!!!!

[shorty16]

Crystal,

Your voice is more powerful then you know. Were you assigned a victims advocate? If you have the strength, call the police and express your dismay about lowering his bail (bond). Your voice is very loud and will be heard.

When my family was going through the court process in Brian's death, I was an advocate for my son - my Husband could not be. He was too broken at the time. If I would not have been, things may have gone a different way.

Believe me, I realize what I am saying is very difficult to do. But I would not be saying it if I did not do it myself.

I will be praying for your strength in whatever decision you make.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Karen,

In the beginning, it was very hard for me to have a good day, because I felt guilty. My son was dead and I am having a good day?

After discussing this fact with people here, they gave me permission to be happy. They told me it was OK. I am passing that heart-felt knowledge to you. It is OK for you to feel happy, laugh, and live again. The guilt you may be feeling about this is normal. It is OK to feel that way, but please, please do not stay there. You deserve to be happy and you will feel OK about being happy. It may take some time - but it is OK to be happy.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Indigos

I have been doing alot of thinking about why I was so adomate on allowing Trevor to stay with us. I think I was trying to fill the huge void left when Brian died. I almost felt like I had to make it up to God for not stopping Brian's death. I know that this thought is crazy. How would I ever have thought that Brian would be car-surfing - and die from it. That void will never be filled.

Another thing I realized is that Scott and I have a pretty good family life. I did not think that after Brian died and before Trevor came to live with us. But now, I see two parents who love each other and love their kids even more. When we started to see a change in Aaron, that is when the party came to an end. We cannot allow our only surviving son to fall victim to drugs and alcohol in our home.

I almost feel like a mother bear protecting her cubs. We lost control of our home life - and now we are trying to get it back. All I have to do is convince my husband of this.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Colleen,

The state is working on our families behalf. As a mom I struggle with my emotions seeking mercy towards Dylan but also struggle with inner vengeance because he took my baby girl away! Ashlee loved him dearly and I hate I could not protect her from stupid actions....

I pray God whispers in my ear and helps ground me before February 15th.

[dturner]

Hi everyone, It has been awhile since I have been on here to the point I had to re-start my membership. I haven't posted anything but I have been reading on the site here. The last I post I told about my son Matthew passing away on March 2nd 2010 from a stroke he got when he went to a chropractor to get his neck ajusted hoping for relief from migraine headaches. He got relief alright, right out of this world. His birthday is coming up Jan 28th and his wife has ask the family to go out and eat to celebrate his physical birthday. My head tells me to do this for her and the little kids but my heart tells me not to because he won't be there to blow out the candles. I tried to explain to her my feelings but she just looks at me like "what is wrong with you?" I guess I will go and hope I don't start crying in front of everyone. The days are getting easier but around special days or holidays they are hard to get thru. I have took that day off from work. Tell me how you all did for your childs birthday. Thanks, Diane

[Guest msnher]

Hi Diane; I'm sure you'll hear from people with more wisdom than I. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Leah-----Thanks for the get well wishes. This flu is NO FUN......seems to hang on so long, as others on here have said.

I hope things are getting a bit better for you, your daughter, and the children.

Karen, and Rhonda-----I'm so sorry for all the pain that you are feeling. So early on this grief road is so difficult and painful.

Of course, it is good for us to feel happy and laugh at times.....but I do know the feeling of wondering why we can even feel

that way. This lousy road is like a roller coaster with all the ups & downs. Try to think that your dear sons would not wish

for you to be unhappy all the time. I know.....sometimes that doesn't stop all the tears, and 'black hole' days. Just keep

coming to BI where we all understand each other. Peace to you.

Diane-----I'm sorry that you are feeling unable to go for a family birthday celebration for dear Matthew. I think that you will

just see how you are feeling about going out on that day when it comes. Just know that we here at BI know the feelings

that you are having, and understand so well. Please come back to BI, if you can, and read/post as you feel up to it.

Colleen----Oh, friend, .......I am so sorry that this has turned out the way it has. You are definitely not a fool. You took a young

man into your home....your family offered him love and support, but being the troubled young man that he is, it did not work

out the way you had hoped. I think that you gave it your all....so what more could you or your family do?...... I say. As you said,

you did not like the changes in your son Aaron. I do not think that you should sacrifice your son's well-being because of Trevor.

I do somehow think that someday,........that Trevor will think and appreciate what you have done for him....whether he ever tells

you or not. Right now, he seems to be on a self-destructive road, and there may be little anyone can do for him, without his

co-operation. You are a wonderful family to do what you did.......taking him in and trying to set him on a progressive path. You

have not failed on your end. Sometimes people are just beyond our reach, sad to say. I wish you & your family well, friend.

Dee----Have you been doing your winter walks ? I've been trying to get outside more.......but oh,.....the coughs & headaches.

Have been enjoying seeing the birds at the feeders though........especially like the mourning doves. All the birds have to watch

out for that darn Cooper's hawk that lurks around.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Diane, I remember your being here and the sad events that brought you. I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. Some have just recently gone through a birthday event, the first without their child. I will be experiencing the 8th Erica birthday without her here this April. The first one however is an emotional tornado as one gets closer to it. It is very hard to predict just how an event like a birthday is going to affect you, so that may be why you are feeling as though this is something you are not wanting to be in public with. I had Erica's very closest friends over along with my sisters and a few of my friends. There with me was my husband and my Sweet Son Jon and he and Eri's Dad, Michael. (Michael has since died). We had a cake and champagne. I did not prepare a meal, nor did I want to be out of the house for this first birthday. I also held the event the day before her birthday wanting to keep her day open for just a private day. I was glad that we had it though, it proved to be a good thing to be among the group of folks that she most loved. We actually sang Happy Birthday and looked at photo albums and cried and laughed. It was not something I could have predicted my feelings about, I love her date, the day she was born, I love her day, but the bitter truth of her not being here is very hard. We all must do what is best for ourselves at this point, making decisions that best allow our emotions the space they need.

Good luck dear Diane,

dee

[briansdad]

Has anyone seen the Rabbit Hole.I'm trying to decide if I want to go.

[ericasmom]

Greg, I saw the play here in Chicago a few years ago. It is very emotional, but very good too, dealing for once, with the very real emotions that occur when we lose a child. It is supposed to be well acted. Someone here did see it though I do not remember who it was.

Love and good luck,

dee

[aim630]

Diane-So sorry you are approaching the first birthday without Matthew. Ashley's birthday was November 26, the day after Thanksgiving, and I felt I could not celebrate her birthday without her here or I would have completely broken down. I think you just have to do what you are comfortable with. We all react in different ways. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you have a peaceful day.

I do feel guilty when I am having a good day. I feel like I have no right to be happy anymore. I know deep down that Ashley would not want me to be like this, and if I had died, I wouldn't want my family to walk around in depression all the time. It is just so hard.

Crystal-wishing you strength to get thorough the upcoming trial, and hoping the judge will not lower his bail, knowing the pain it would cause your family.

Colleen-You should not feel guilty about not being able to change Trevor. You did your best, and I'm sure you did have a positive effect on his life. You did what most people are not willing to do, you took a young man into your house, and tried to give him everything he needed to turn his life around. Hopefully one day he will realize all that you did for him. You need to think of the effect he was having on Aaron. I wish I was as strong as you.

I have noticed Katie's best friend of 12 years spending a lot of time with her younger sister & her sister's best friend, without including Katie. There's nothing wrong with that, but Katie is so alone now. Jenna & her have been best friends since kindergarten and Jenna was away in Belgium as an exchange student when Ashley died. She came back in July, and I was so glad Katie would have her best friend back. Well tonight, Katie was in her room bawling because she said Jenna never wanted to do anything with her anymore. She understands her spending time with her sister, and was crying because she can't spend any more time with Ashley. It just broke my heart. I emailed Jenna's mom and asked her if there was a problem, because Katie would not ask Jenna herself. I hated to get involved, but I knew Katie would not say anything, but just continue to be miserable. Fifteen minutes later she called Katie to invite her to spend the night & go shopping tomorrow. Katie asked if I said something to Jenna, and I truthfully said that I didn't. I know they may be growing apart, but there's only a few months until they leave for college, and Katie really needs some support right now. I really don't know how she is going to survive at college, she is so shy and quiet, so completely unlike Ashley. I know this is a really minor problem compared to the ones some of you are facing. I just can't stand to see her so unhappy, especially because I can't bring her sister back.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Amy: I am so glad that Katie's friend called to invite her over...perhaps she was just not realizing the impact her actions were having. But, as you said, it is not long til they head off to college, and perhaps it will do them both good to spend this time together. (also, perhaps Katie's friend felt that Katie would feel sad because she was spending time with her sister, and Katie does not have that option any longer.) I pray that Katie has fun at the sleepover.

Diane: I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Matthew. Those first birthdays...any of those firsts, but that one in particular...heart breaking...I was kind of locked into celebrating Mike's first b'day without him here...he has three young boys and it is important for us to keep Mike's memory alive for them, especially the youngest, as he was only not quite two when his daddy died. We had Mike's birthday at his favorite restaurant, ate dinner, had the cake, but stopped short of signing happy birthday. Mike's dad said he didn't think he could handle it. The anticipation was worse than the event. The boys (at the time, 2 1/2, 9 and 10), did have a really fun time, though a few moments of sadness. But I was glad we did it. But as others have said, YOU have to do what feels right for YOU. Had I the choice, I may have done as Dee did...celebrate with family for their sakes, and then have the actual day alone. I was not able to do that. I don't regret what we wound up doing. Mike was a true birthday lover...if it fell on the weekend, he claimed the whole weekend as his "birth-weekend." Just as we all have different traditions for our families, we have different ways of grieving our lost loved ones. I think the most important thing is to not feel pressured to do something you don't feel good about. Holding you close in thought and prayer as this day approaches and your heart jumps from one emotion to another.

Sherry: So sorry you are having to go through this flu...my col dhung on an dhung on, but I've fortunately escaped the flu, thus far. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Karen: We do have to give ourselves "permission" to have a good day, to smile, even to laugh. Many of us here, if not all even, can remember that first laugh...it sounded as if it came from someone else, and we just knew it couldn't have come from ourselves...how could we produce a laugh, when our child was dead? But, it does happen, and I think our angels indeed have somethign to do with it. They do indeed want us to live, to laugh, and to have joy again.

We had Damon today...he wanted to, of course, "go out into the snow." Our yard was as smooth as could be, not even an animal footprint on most of it...he couldn't wait to get out and there "tear it up!" and he did. Oh, he did. I don't think there's a place in the yard that doesn't have his bootprint on it! We have a slight slope on one side of the yard, and we worked really hard to get it "flattened" down so his "saucer" would go down it. Eventually, it did. He had a lot of fun. If we go "tubing" tomorrow, it will be tons of fun, because many have alreayd been to the hill and flattened things out for smooth sailing.

and my favorite...he had just "footstepped" all over the yard...

I hope everyone has a good weekend, or at least as good as possible. I know some are close to days that send that piercing pain through our hearts again...we all here hold all of you close and send our love and comfort to you.

carol mikesmomrs

[westleysmom]

Greg-I think Karen said she saw that movie, but can't remember if she liked it or not. I don't guess its the kind of movie that you go crazy over, but I just don't remember exactly what she said about it.

Diane-Westley died 6 days before his birthday last year, and I just sat on the back porch and rocked. This year I expect to be harder because I don't have the protective layer of shock around my heart still. I don't know if I would be able to do a birthday out in public just yet. I'm afraid that losing your husband and losing your child are two vastly different things, as your DIL's request proves. I hope if she has children herself, and would just think about how the pain is different for you than for her, that she will forgive you if you find you are unable to attend. Peace to you friend.

Thanks Sherry, I know he wouldn't want me to be sad forever, just like I wouldn't want that for anyone I left behind. It just seems so wrong, hell, it is wrong for him to be gone and me to still be here. I know you know what I mean. Working through the feelings of "survivor guilt" in a way is so hard. We were not made to outlive our children and nothing about it is natural or easy. I hope you are well soon.

Amy-I'm sorry that Katie is having such a hard time. I'm sure that her friend hasn't realized Katie's loss, any more than my friends fully understand mine. And they are at an age where there is so much to think of that its hard to think of others sometimes. I hope they have a good time together and reconnect.

Carol-Have fun in the snow, I'm sure with Damon, you have no choice but to have fun. Is Kim still doing okay? I hope that she is and that they had a good late Christmas. If you already said, I'm sorry to bug you, I just can't pay attention as good as I used to.

Have a good night if you can and I hope you are able to sleep and have sweet dreams of your angels

[daniellemom]

Hello everyone - I just lost a long post so just know that I'm praying for everyone and thinking of you all.

I will try tomorrow. But now I must get Mattie in the bed she has school tomorrow. We got 3 inches of snow and they missed 4 days of school so off to school they go tomorrow.

Colleen: I'm thinking of you and don't you dare listen to the devil and his lies. You are so strong and tried to help Trevor that's more than most people would have done.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

Amy, hopefully Katie will have a super night and day tomorrow. I wonder if her friend being away at such an emotionally raw time for you and Kate makes this girl feel she was not involved in the deepest sadness with her best friend, and not being here and not taking part in the event left her feeling guilty and she does not know how to handle it. It could also be that she has seen a change in Katie and because she wasn't here as a support to Kate, she does not understand the difference or is unable to get close again. So many possible dynamics. It may also be that what and who Katie lost, reminds this young woman to spend time with siblings...she may be afraid of losing her sibling since it happened to someone she knows so well.

Good luck, and really, the biggest worries I have since Eri died is Jonathan, my son. I feel exactly as you do tonight, when something is bothering him, it bothers me and he is 29 for heaven's sake. I do believe that this added worry comes iwth the territory.

Carol, looks like a blast with Damon in the snow. WHat great photos. Give him a kiss for me, and tweek his cheeks for me too.