Loss of an Adult Child

[rlolheiser]

I sit here and try to think of something encouraging to say, so I shouldn't say anything.. but I am so ? I don't know what I am..

I wonder about the world anymore.. the meaness.. the tragedys.. I have always been a very sympathetic person, always felt for the underdog, even in the school, I would try to save the person that couldn't take care of themselves. I would befriend the mentally, and physically handicapped.. so much so that I didn't have any friends to do anything with.. and when I did befriend sombody, I found out I shouldn't have.. I was stupid in the way of life and trusting, people hurt me, and I kept it secret.. I didn't ever tell anybody the darkness of the poor little fat girl. I married at 18 and adopted a 6 year old from his previous marriage. I gave up my life of nursing to be a wife and mother only to find out that my 7 years of marriage was a farce. He had a girlfriend and other children, and he even molested his oldest daughter, but I was so stupid. In an effort to be a better mom, I ended up being a disaster, I turned to alcohol, and poor situations to be in and talked myself into believing I was a good mother. I didn't fess up to being a good parent until my oldest was 15.. and then I put everything I had into her and her sister. I gave up drinking.. I tried to be all I should be, but there aren't any books to read to know how to do it. I gave up men, I gave up everything but my girls, my adopted son had gone back to live with his father.. and I ended up being a grandma by the age of 36. I put my life into my daughters, my grandchildren as they came. I took care of my mom and dad whenever they needed anything, I gave so much of myself, I didn't keep anything for me. I ended up trying to comit suicide about 11 years ago. My daughters watched me take pills one night, pleading for them to become something.. they wanted a sitter, both of them.. and I was so tired out. Pill after pill I swallowed.. and they watched.. just asking over and over for a sitter.. I told them.. don't hate me for what I am doing.. I am just tired.. The pills I was taking belonged to somebody else, and I made sure I hid the container so they wouldn't be found, then I layed down to sleep forever. forever didn't last..about 10-11 the next day, ambulance and police were trying to wake me up, and all I remember saying was let me die.. I just want to go to sleep and die.. I was handcuffed.. and taken from my home which was attached to my daughters.. they marched me by my dad.. it broke my heart. They took me to the ER where the only thing I remember was slipping out of the handcuffs.. and the officer tightening them meanly.. then I was taken to the psych ward.. where the dr. let me have a sleep medicine. I remember laughing cause it was the same stuff I had just overdosed on. I slept over a day.. at least I have no memories of anything, just sleep.. I would like to have sleep again.. No, I am pass the suicide time thankfully it didn't take.. but I was so desperate at that moment.

I guess I felt I needed to share that, I don't know why I did. It is part of what makes me, me. I am not ashamed of myself, thankfully that incident made me a better person, maybe even stronger.

I woke up crying this morning and for the first time in 9 years my husband heard me, and help me.. and let me cry, when I finished, he said I love you.. such simple words but means so much..

sorry.. rambling... I hope I don't offend with my honesty.. I think if I didn't have this place to vent whatever, I would be holding it all in again, and that only causes desperation

[ericasmom]

No offense Sweet Leah, so wonderful of you to share your life and your soul with us. WE love you. WE aren't going anywhere. You did not scare us away and maybe the reason you told us today is because you finally feel loved more fully.

God Bless You,

dee

[ericasmom]

I was looking at the news pieces on the shooting in Arizona, it just upsets me to know that some guy can just get that automatic weapon with an extended clip, so no reload time, and kill and injure 18 people, 18 innocent people at a supermarket. One of those killed is a beautiful little girl, age 9. Guess what day this little girl was born to? September 11, 2001. Born on the most violent day, and dies at the hands of deep illness and violence. She was asked by a neighbor if she would like to go see the Congresswoman speak since she was just elected to the student council herself adn was interested in government. Oh my goodness, the happenstance of this child's life. What if she said no thanks...all the what ifs that her family is going through, just like us. What if? What if that sick man was not able to get a gun like that? What if someone was able to stop him before he violated so many lives. This little beautiful girl looks so very much like a little one in my class. Her Grandpa was at one time the general manager of the CUBs. Dallas Green now works in Philly. Prayers for the dep sadness that will forever be with her family. We understand the sadness, don't understand the violence.

[Guest msnher]

Leah - How could you possibly offend us by sharing who you really are? It won't happen here. If that were possible they would have kicked me out a long time ago. Personally, I am honored that you feel safe enough to expose a piece of yourself to us. I'm very grateful your suicide attempt didn't work and that you are still here, with us. Hugs to you!

[lolynbo]

COLD AND SNOWING TODAY..YUKO....

[mikesmomrs]

{{{{{{{{{{LEAH}}}}}}}}}} Please know that you are loved, always, and always free to say what you need on this site. As Dee said, pehaps you felt you could share this part of your life because you feel more loved...I hope so. I am also glad that your husband saw your need when you woke up and responded with what you needed...warmth and tenderness and an affirmation of his love for you. sometimes that really is all we need at that moment. I too am glad that you did not leave this world 11 years ago...

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: your story about Eri brought tears to my eyes...I felt your fear, your worry...I am glad that Jonathan was there for Eri...I know it was hard on him, but I am glad he was there. When we first learned of Davis's problems was when we first learned about the "respiratory" failure that comes with drinking too much or overdosing on other drugs. I never knew exactly how it happened before. The night he was here and I was sitting up with him because we knew he needed watching, I fell asleep briefly. I had been sitting in the other room, listening to the clicking of the keyboard as he "wrote rhymes." I woke up with a start when I didn't hear the noise any longer. I jumped up and found him on the chair by the computer, slumped over to the side. when I called his name, he didn't respond. I shook him, no response. I slapped him, no response. I knew it had only been a minute or so that I had dozed off, so I slapped him again and screamed his name as I shook him. His eyes finally fluttered and then slowly opened. He didn't really know where he was or why he was there. It was heartbreaking, I had truly thought we had lost him. After that, the whole time he was in rehab, we never left him alone when he wasn't at work. It was quite a while before we would let him be with friends without one of us with him, and then it was only those we really trusted...all the drinking and drugging buddies were gone, thankfully. I thank God every day that he has come as far as he has, and pray every day that he continues. That particular night, it was the second day of his rehab, and he had gone to a friends after work, saying he would be "okay." I knew when he called me later, by the way he was talking, that he had taken something. He wanted to "spend the night," there, but I could hear others in the background and knew they were drinking and once he went to sleep, they wouldn't even remember he was there. So Ralph and I went and got him. We were going to take him to the hospital right then, but he begged us not to...said he was fine, he just needed to sleep. Little did we know. But we learned. And since then, we have been blessed that he seems to want to make sure it doesn't happen again. We can only take one day at a time, and pray that he does also.

Any news about Carson? I don't know if I have already told you, but it deserves saying more than once...CONGRATS on your clear lab reports...YAY!!! (I wrote a long post last night and again hit the wrong key and sent it off to space...someday I will learn...do Word first and then paste!)

Michelle: I am so sorry about the loss of your precious son, Jaquell. Our hearts will never be the same again, our lives will never be the same again. I am glad that you are here, though so sorry that you have a reason to be. Here you will find comfort and understanding, always. As others have said, please share your son with us, tell us about his life, when you can, and know that we are always here for you.

I think it was you, Michelle, who had brought up the subject of having things that we see or hear send us flying to the pit of pain again...I read an article by Mitch Carmody, who lost his little boy at the age of 9, to brain cancer, and has since dedicated his life to helping parents with their grief over losing a child. The article dealt with how we grieve with all of our senses...I remember when I read it that it made my heart beat a little easier, knowing that I really wasn't crazy to feel as though every part of me was missing Mike...being reminded all the time, everywhere, by everything I saw, heard, smelled, touched, etc. Seeing a young couple with a small boy (Mike's youngest was not quite two when Mike died), smelling sandalwood, tasting Chinese food, hearing "I Will Remember You," (Mike requested that his sister sing this song at his services), drove me to the edge of that pit so many times. After reading this article, I was able to handle those events just a little easier, and over time, have more times when they comfort than when they torture. Here is the link for the article:

http://www.wchob.org/bereavement/revisiting.asp

The shooting in Arizona...my heart aches for those involved...prayers for that sweet little girl's family, and for all of those impacted by this senseless tragedy.

We are at the end of "putting away Christmas." It has taken much longer than I had hoped...starts and stops never seem to get us anywhere, but the days of "going til its done" just don't seem to be around anymore.

Karen, thanks again for updating again the "cheat sheet." I am trying to organize my bills, etc., for this new year, trying to tame the paperwork that grows worse by the day...perhaps I should send it all to you?

Trudi: I loved the pics too, and especially the one of Sir Muttley with his own reflection in the wet sand. Also, was he sitting propped on Mal's lap, king of the world style? what a hoot! I know that this month is a "day-counter" for you, also...holding you close in prayer, positive energy and thoughts. Do you have anything planned?

All of the talk earlier about the birds and the feeders reminded me of the feeders we used to have at our other house...the days of fighting off the squirrels...and the chipmunks. One time, we greased the pole so the chipmunks couldn't climb it. The next morning, as I was watching out the kitchen widnow, I saw a real life "chip and dale" cartoon...a chipmunk would come out of the woods, run over, climb the pole and slide right back down. he would back away, further into the woods, take a running start, and attack it again, sliding right back down onto the ground. He did this over and over, til he finally shuffled off into the woods, the epitome of dejection...sure wish I'd had my movie camera on...America's funniest videos would have wanted that film for sure! Unfortunately, a few days later, the grease had frozen, and he was able to again attack the bird feeder. We had a chain running from one tree to another, and had two bird feeders hanging from it in the middle. We put plastic shower curtain rod covers over the chain, so when the squirrel would attempt to climb out on it, the plastic covers would roll, and down he would go! Sometimes it worked, but after a while, the squirrels had chewed and gnawed through the plastic enough that they could catch themselves on the chain links and eventually make their way across to the feeders! (Now, Betty, we weren't trying to starve the squirrels out...they had their own little buffet of corn stalks, etc., on the other side of the yard, but always seemed to think the birds had something better that they needed to get some too!)

a picture of Mr. Ralph out in knee deep snow, filling the feeders...

well, back to the restoring of order to our living room...hopefully, we will finish tonight...

have a good evening everyone...sending love and peaceful moments to all of my indigo friends...where would I be without you?

carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, love the photos and the stories of the birds, the chipmunks adn the squirrels. No disrespect Bett. I also could feel the worry of your seweet Davis and all he has traveled to get to today. Blessings and thanks for your heart.

Yes, the stories from arizona right now have me feeling so sad for that family, for all th efamilies and the townspeople who lost so much in just about 2 minutes of violence. Why? I guess the why for me has to do with why this allowed? Why are guns so prevalent? Why is it the Alaskan half-governer and many others have used such negative and hateful terminolgy and insinuate such violence by saying things like: RELOAD, or having a map with the target signs put on places where the congress reps are against what the far right want....there were three target signs on Arizona,and while I am not saying that that is why this young man shot up the town, I am saying that it can help fuel already sick minds to act. We must stop, STOP this violence, this not caring if others get hurt or offended by others actions. We have to stand for what AMERICA was supposed to have been founded on, freedom from the domination of others, free to speak, to education, of religion...why has this country become the opposite of its original plan?

Venting, thanks for the space to do so.

[summergirl]

I WONDER IF I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD I MIGHT CATCH UP WITH YOU MY JESSICA ??? I AM MISSING YOU SO VERY MUCH - YOUR MOM ALWAYS

[quellsmom]

Amy- Thank you. Jaquell was one of those people who you met once and loved. The only way to describe him was pure love! He was so different from me. I am cynical and keep to myself. He changed me in so many ways. Once I was telling him about someone I really didn't like that he was hanging out with. And he said "Mom people want to be good , some just don't know how" I told him he was naive and too trusting. After this nightmare happened that kid started a fund raiser for Jaquell, helped out with his little brother. One day at the cemetery I said "I know Jaquell, okay you were right!!"

Dee- I struggle to keep it all straight my self! I do hope to find a sense of peace and stop being so damn angry.

Susannah- I do have other children. My daughter Anika who is wise beyond her years. She and Jaquell were very close and had the same circle of friends. That has been really tough for her. She has had to distance herself from some of them and I know it has been tough for her. I have an 11 yr old daughter and a five year old son. Jaquell watched my five year old during the day while we worked and then he went to his jobs at night. He has the least understanding of all of this. But he is the one that dreams of Jaquell often. My eleven year was talking at dinner about the "end of the world in 2012" the other night. She said " I wouldn't really mind if we all died in 2012 because then we could be together again." It shouldn't be this way but here we are. And besides all the what if's I have surrounding Jaquell , I fear they have gotten cheated in the worst way , not only have they lost a brother but they have a partial mom now.

Karen - I cannot even begin to think about the legal stuff. I am just not there yet. But yes we hope to turn our nightmare into a lesson for someone. I try not to read the nasty stuff. I try to ignore. Some days it is easier than others. I wish Jaquell could have learned from his mistake but he cannot, maybe some day there will be a positive to all this.

Carol- thank you for the link. No it seems this is a new life in every way. From the mundane to the special occasions , all types of nooks and crannies for the heart to get caught in. I wish I were a better person most days. Stronger maybe, more forgiving even. But I am not. I seem at this point not even able to forgive myself. So I am open on any suggestions on how to live this new life.

And as I crave hearing my son's name most days may Ashley, Erica, Stephanie, Shawn, Mike, Jaquell and everyones angels show us the way.

[ericasmom]

JAQUELL, bless your Momma and your brothers and sisters as they find ways to honor you and live in your light, you heap your light don't you Jaquell, shining it all over the place, helping others to see the steps they must take to get to the next day, and then the next. Oh boy I know how hard it is to not feel strong but eventually you might find as many of us have over time, that we are indeed extremely strong. Stronger than we ever planned to find out. Living with this kind of grief is proof of strength Jaquell's Mom. You will learn to forgive yourself I hope, as your Son/Sun sure does not want that self-blame to invade any more of your life. Our children sampled life, the good and the not-so-good, this was not a reflection on your parenting, but a way that many teens find to fill their time. I hope too, that one day some good comes from this tragedy and that you will see that in all of this pain, and in all the ways this loss changes you, you are walking a path that is lit by Jaquell's love for all of you and your love for HIM.

Blessings-

[mikesmum]

Leah - There would have been a time away back when I couldn't fully understand why someone would want to take there life. Especially with so many that cared or loved them, with so much, I thought, to live with.

Having seen Steven through the depths of addiction and all that entails I still didn't fully understand. When Mike died I gained such insight into the darkness of what his 'personal abyss' was like. There were times, not so many now, when I felt I had failed my sons. The addiction and Mikes health all down to me.

If not for being able to 'express' my thoughts, my fears, my abyss days here I might very well have 'slept till the end'.

This is a place where care and concern will replace judgement.

Thoughts and prayers for those involved in the horror of the shootings in Arizona ~

Kathy - I wonder some days if I say or think the right thing will Mike be back......hugs to you.

Back at the beach with Em and Caleb. Despicable Me is playing...think I might know this movie by heart at the end of the school holidays....

[rlolheiser]

thank you all for listening to me, it seems my mind roams so much. I want to say so much that is in my heart and brain but it doesn't come to my words the way I want it to.

Trudi, Me too, I couldn't understand how somebody could take their own life. I was always raised on the fact it was wrong. I sometimes think I went down the road to understand..to learn.. to become more sensitive to people.

I keep hearing on the news the tragedy in Arizona, yes Dee, it is just so destructive. Such a waste and frightening the ability of people to get these guns, no the town wasn't shot up, but I believe it left huge destruction. My prayers to all, and the precious child.

Quellsmom, I know you and your family are going through so much pain. I pray you all keep your strength.. it is hard on children, they miss so much, I am so happy that you are listening to them, that is so important.. Jaquell sounds so much that special person that was put here for a short time.. to watch over and make others listen.. I found out that my JaBoa touched people I never knew.. even now 4 years later.. I hear things about my girl, a 10 year old that made her mark on the world, a beautiful soul that we only got to borrow for far to short of time, and I miss with all my heart.

Carol, I put my Christmas away on the first. I just couldn't keep it up.. You got a lot of snow, nice picture of Ralph. We just got another 5 inches.. yuck.. I want summer:-)

Karen I forgot to thank you for the list of angels, it was very sweet of you.

Well people are getting up, time to go.. Thanks for listening to me once again.. I love you all and carry you with me in my heart daily and think so dearly of your angels..

[Bensmummy]

Ohhh Trudi me too..the Dispicable Me DVD plays non stop...when are the school holidays over??LOL

Hello I received Ben's Coroners report and all it tells me is that he was a bloody idiot!! Riding at 150 klms to 200klms an hour..yes we knew that and we knew that his helmet had come off..If anyone ever thinks that the coroners report is going to give them answers...the one they send out in the mail does not!

Ben's girlfriend rang as she got her copy today too and boy she was angry..poor darling she wanted an answer to make all of this to make sense. You see they put it down to speed and we dont dispute that...but we are very certain too that Ben did not have the vehicle in front of him give an indication he was going to turn either..oh what does it matter now anyway...we both feel very strongly that we need to see in black and white that the death was instant...it just said he died from multiple injuries. It doesnt seem to have the words we both need to read. So Ive organized for Bens Autopsy report to be sent to my doctor who says he will read it through with us both and explain everything so we see for ourselves that he did not feel any pain.

Bens girl and I then may feel we can have some sort of closure. We will be getting this on Bens birthday [this coming Thursday] I want to have closure on his 27th birthday and so does his girlfriend. This is so sad for her...I want to have a friendship with her and she feels the same and then sometimes it just hurts to talk with each other.

Darling Ben ..I could so just kick your arse right now...I love you Big Ben...but Im so mad at you too..we all miss you so much xo

[Guest msnher]

How's the weather up your way, Leah? We're supposed to get all the way up to 5 today. We're at negative 24 right now. Greg and Lorri are supposed to get a winter storm. I hope everyone is safe and warm. I didn't worry much about the weather when I was driving my 4-runner, but my mini van is a different story.

Quellsmom - I feel like a shell of a person, too. I feel sorry for the people who depend on me, especially Stephanie's three children whom my husband and I are raising. They really got the worst end of it all. I do what I can do. Trying to force myself to be the person I was hasn't worked, so I do the best I can with what I have. It also makes sense to me that your five yr old would be the one dreaming of Jaquell. His innocence opens that pathway. The pain doesn't leave us while we're sleeping.

My prayers are with the victims and their families (Arizona).

My kids go back to school today. I have a few more minutes of coffee time before I wake them up. I'm sure glad I bought their snowsuits, boots and warmer gloves last week.

Peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Woo-hoo! My van did just fine getting the kids to school. It even made it up the hill with no problems. Probably because the snow is so dry. There's no building a snow man out of this snow, that's for sure.

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

I am back at school after my days home to recover. I am so glad to see the kids. I made them apple sweeet muffins for my return, and made them try to guess what was in the box. The box was a box they made on Friday filled with notes of good wishes. So I used the same box, entitled the mystery box wrapped in red paper...so we have full tummies and doing math.

Love to all,

dee

Michelle, I am so sorry for the coroners report shedding so little light, I think going to your Doctor on Ben's birthday is a great idea. A spiritual gesture.

[westleysmom]

Leah-I'm so glad that you are still here with us and that your husband was able to comfort you. I know I would be crazy without mine. You could never offend me. Hugs to you.

Michelle-When I got the ME report on Westley, it brought me to my knees. I kind of knew what it would say, but it still sucked all the air out of the room to see it in black and white. I will be thinking of you Thursday and hope that you get the report as promised and that it gives you some peace. We are going to make it through this, but it doesn't always feel like I will, or even want to. Hugs to you and Ben's girlfriend. I hope you are able to remain friends.

Lisa-I read several of the articles on Jaquell and watched a video too, I think at his birthday celebration. The way that he died is very similar to the way Westley died, except that Westley had a lower alcohol content in his blood and had taken some kind of drug. The girl that he spent the night on the couch at her house (we were told by her and her mom) and who called us that morning said he had taken some cough syrup with codeine one time, another time, she mentioned Xanax. She was quite young and very disoriented by the whole thing. She called when they tried to wake him for work and said he wouldn't wake up and I told her to call 911 and we would be right there. She did and they got there and moved him to the hospital, so she called us and told us to go straight there. But the ambulance guy told me that morning that he thought that Westley had been gone for some period of time before she had tried to wake him around 5:30 that morning. Some of Westley's friends don't care for the girl's mom and to tell the truth, I couldn't say her name right now if my life depended on it. She may have had the cough syrup or Xanax, I never asked her. It won't change anything, and Westley won't be back, Jaquell sounds like an amazing boy and I'm sure you miss him every day. I'm sorry that all of the publicity surrounding his death has been so painful for you and I hope it is resolved soon. We will never understand why they were taken from us when they had so much to live for and offer the world. I wish you peace for a moment and to feel his love in your heart.

We've had enough snow that my husband will have to take me to work, hope you all are staying warm and safe.

[rlolheiser]

Dee, glad to hear your back at work, sounds like you had a great time with your class.

Susannah, I am happy your van made it through the snow.. I know the feeling.. we just got 5 inches of snow this weekend.. I always drive my little car.. and pray all the way to town and home.. I hate the pillows on the road.. I live about 19 miles from town.. white kuckle driving.. I used to plow through everything but I learned to be afraid of the road.

Ben's Mum, I am sorry you don't have the answers you want.. I am just now seeing some reports after 4 years.. and sadly.. it has just made more questions. I know more today.. and wish I didn't.. I still don't know the important question.. was she in pain. I am only assured by JaBoa's sister who told me the angels pulled her and her sister from the van, and put my youngest back in after.. but took her sister with them... I guess I have to hold on to that.

I guess.. time to get back to my world here.. I just needed to break...

[rlolheiser]

Rhonda, thanks.. we posted about the same time.. I get confused with life sometimes I guess.. I have so much and yet get so saddened by the things I have no control over.

Be carefull in the snow.. stay warm.. everybody!

[Guest msnher]

"Let there be peace on earth......................With God as our father, brothers all are we."

[ericasmom]

I am rather fixated on the death of that lovely 9 year old this weekend in Arizona. Her spirit like a lantern, so bright. As I said, she was born on Sept.11 adn died in that senseless act of violence, well her Daddy said this yesterday:

Christina was born on the most violent day and died in violence...but those 9 years in between were magical.

WOW! Her goal? To be the first woman on National league baseball.What a sweetheart. Rest in everyone's love Christina and hang out arranging baseball games among the angels.

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

I agree Dee it sadness my heart to see once again how easy it is for someone to possess a gun, point the trigger and change everyone lives forever. The young man in Arizona must have show signs of instability and it was too late to stop the horrific tragedy from happening!

My oldest daughter, Brytney had a birthday on Saturday and the whole family was together it was nice but sad at the same time. I cried while they sang the birthday song I so longed to have Ashlee there singing off key and cracking jokes at her sister’s expense. The firsts of everything is such a challenge and emotionally tasking.

The ex, Rich called that evening and he ended up staying overnight on Saturday. When I think I’m strong enough to let him go and move on, I take huge steps backwards. When I’m feeling lonely or missing his arms around me as they would comfort me when I felt weak. Feeling his strong touch while he holds me when I would cry and always reassure me I would see Ashlee again and my two other children need me.

Thinking of you all and praying today is a good day for you.

[mikesmum]

Coroners raises more questions than answers and it does nothing to ease the aching we all know too well.

Mikes reports came in stages. Interim, he died of respiratory failure due to an unknown quantity of various prescription medications. The final (2yrs on) confirmed that he had taken a 'lethal dose' of the prescribed medications that were supposed to allow him to live 'pain free'.

Funny thing, the doses he was prescribed would have taken out a bull elephant. The coroner wouldn't speculate on whether there was 'intent' or the overdose was 'accidental', given the high levels that would have already been in his system. I thought maybe he just wanted to 'sleep' till the storm (amanda) blew over.

The kids and I were talking about what Mike might have thought on finding he wasn't with us. I said he probably looked around and said "shite, I didn't mean to take that much". We all broke up laughing.

There are days when I yell at the clouds....'WHAT WERE YOU THINKING'.

To those trying to work through snow - please stay safe and warm.

We are day two of the wet summer here. Em's birthday is on Saturday and her party theme is HOLLYWOOD actresses. So far, Kiera Knightly, Anne Hathaway, Amanda (Mamma Mia) and Emily (from Gullivers Travels) are in the running for Em...wish me luck with finding the costume/clothing.

Dee - When you hear of a young soul leaving under such circumstance you have to believe their is a light that wraps her and holds her now and forever.....Glad your back a school with your pupils....they need you.

[Bensmummy]

ME Too! I walked along the 30 meters of Bens motorbike skid marks saying all the time...WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???!!!! Ive said this alot over the last 5 and a half months...I cant believe he has been gone that long..I think Ive just been waiting for him to come back. He's not coming back ..not yet but I am a strong believer in what I read in gods word and he promises to give our loved ones back in a resurrection to a restored earth and I believe that god cannot tell a lie.....soooo. I wait and remember this "Ben is safe" sometimes when my head is spinning with grief and Im not really breathing properly I just say to myself...Its okay Ben is safe!

The beautiful little girl so senselessly taken..yes she is safe too. My heart and hugs to you all...I read all the comments and I just want to find away to comfort you all. I get so much comfort and help here for myself...thank you all of you. This is a place where craziness is the new norm..and we get to say stuff we wouldnt say out loud or even tell anyone else around our lives in the home...but here we can say something really out there and its like..everyone understands and no judgements ...the world would be a better place if it was just like Beyond Indigo in attitude and compassion. xxxxxxxxxooooooooooo share the hugs and kisses amongst yourselves smiles Michelle

[ericasmom]

Michelle, our knowing that you are finding this a good place for your spirit and soul is comforting to us, you do help us when you tell us what you did, letting us know that in this life, our new job, one of them anyhow, is to help the next one up as best we can. It provides us a purpose that is in union with our hearts that are trying to reform and reshape. One day, you too will be a parent that lifts the next one up through the heavy weight of this kind of loss, creating for them a safe haven, as you are feeling now, as we all feel daily and return to because it is a place that is home. when we come here, we come home. United in loss, but living in angel-light.

Trudi, I remember when you were right where Michelle is now with the coronors reports. I remember the anguish, and now to hear that you and the Kids all laughed at the thought of Micheal saying " SHITE" made me laugh aloud. A little chunk of broken may have found its matching edge in repair.

Loving you all,

Oh Crystal, don't punish yourself for welcoming the arms of one who loves you, sometimes we need to go with what is right there that will help and there is nothing wrong with that. He knew you might need him that day.

Love you

[westleysmom]

Pretty quiet around here this evening, hope all of you are okay. We had company, two of Westley's friends called this afternoon and wanted to come over for a while. Since his angel date is coming up, and because we haven't seen them in a while, we said come on over. We just had leftover pizza, but they stayed for a long time just talking. They talk about him like he's still alive, and they tell us things that we never knew happened, new things to us about him. Sometimes I think, wow, I could have gone my whole life without knowing that! But not really. Even the bad things, are all part of his life, just like this bad thing, losing him, is part of mine. I could no more tell the story of my life so far and leave this out than they can leave out parts of his life when they talk about how it was when they were out together, doing young guy things. He was just getting to live his life beyond me and his Dad, his adult life, and it wasn't always pretty I guess, but he was living it at full speed. It makes me want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs and shake my fist at God. His friend tonight said that at one point, Westley told lhim he didn't believe in God anymore, but that was several years ago, and he thought since then that Westley did believe in God. I know I took him to church, and he professed to believe in God and joined our church. Sometimes these days, I question my own belief in God, so I guess I shouldn't read too much into Westley's questioning of the faith that we brought him up in. I have to believe that I will see him again, and that he is waiting for me there, and that he is smiling and happy. If I don't, I'll lose my mind.

Good luck with the costume, Trudi. I think all of those sound cute for Em.

Michelle-It is a good place that we have found here, I don't know what I would do without the support of everyone here. Thinking of you this week.

Crystal-Don't beat yourself up, we sometimes have to take comfort where we find it. You have so much on you right now. Hugs

Going to bed and trying to put the regret and what ifs out of my mind, but its so hard. Sleep well friends and I hope you have sweet dreams

[kmb22]

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[mikesmum]

Success, Em has decided to go to her party as the young girl in Mamma Mia. Simple costume, cut off denim shorts and a summery blouse. Gotta love it. Found tops in local charity shop for $5 each.

Dark skies, but no rain so the day has been spent on the beach.....sand seems to everywhere no matter how hard we try to shake it out.

Found some 'signs'. Pics to share....you are all their with us on our day at the beach..

Muttley and Crab

Emily Muttley Inverloch

Local - BUNNIES

and the sign.......these are the marks left by fingerlings in the sand as the tide goes out......

Peace to you all - Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: "when we come here, we come home. United in loss, but living in angel-light." Beautiful thoughts...especially, "living in angel-light." We have all mentioned at one time or another, how we believe our angels guided us here, to each other, and I find comfort in that thought...often. Many of our angels have much in common regarding their likes and dislikes, their roles they played while here on earth. I love how you brought yourself back to your little ones...I am sure that they did, also. You are so delightful...ERi shines her love and pride down on you every moment.

Trud: I love the choices Em has made...hopefully, you won't have to come up with all of them so she can "decide!" Good luck, and have fun.

Amy: Yes, indeed, the "firsts" are challenging and emotional...many here have mentioned, though, that once moved through, it is realized that the anticipation was worse than the actual event/day. I found that to be true, especially about Mike's first angel date. I am glad that your family was able to gather, but sorry that you had to feel that "missing" in your heart. I have a saying on Mike's website...it was written by Edna Vincent Mallay. I felt it in my heart, so heavy, those first months..."The presence of his absence is everywhere." I actuallly had it printed out on an index card, under the glass on my desk at work. I am glad that you, as well as Crystal, were able to gather with some of your family and though painfully aware of the "missing one," were able to glean some comfort from being with them. Many of us here have stated that family gatherings either no longer occur, or are too painful for others to attend...unable to know "what to say," they say nothing.

Michelle: I can't recall for sure, but I believe it was Sus who mentioned something about our angels not suffering...I believe (and please correct me if I am wrong, Sus) that her daughter had dreamed that Stephanie had been "lifted away" just before the accident, before she could feel any pain or hurt. Sus went on to explain that she felt that belief, as well, that our angels did not suffer, that they were lifted away from that moment, before any pain could claim them. I like to believe this. My son, Mike, did not leave us in an accident. He died from a brain tumor. Still, when he breathed his last breath, I was holding his hand, his wife was on the other side, holding the other hand, and his dad was standing behind the head of the bed, gently holding Mike's head in his hands. We watched as Mike's breathing grew shallow, labored. The nurse had instructed me to give him some morphine. This seemed to calm him some, but still he was agitated. I leaned over and told him "Mike, you can go, we understand. We love you." He drew in a deep breath, sat up (he had not been able to sit up for a few days, or even hold his head up without pillow support), opened his eyes, and then fell back on the bed. I was the only one who looked at him at that moment, and I saw such fear in his eyes, that my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I didn't mention it to anyone at the time, I didn't want to upset them. I held it to me for months..."why did he look so terrified? Did that final breath hurt so much? I need to know that he was not in pain at that moment." Late that next summer, (I can't remember now exactly when) I was supposed to meet with an insurance agent regarding my health insurance. I had to put off the meeting for another date, and we wound up having to meet somewhere else...nearer to my work. Turned out it was in the Army National Guard building, in an office off the Chaplain's office. I got there late and had to wait out in the hallway. There was a rack of religious booklets there, and I absentmindedly picked up a booklet called "The Daily Word." It fell open in my hands to the prayers for October 14 (which is Mike's angel date). The reading was taken from Isaiah. It referred to Isaiah's looking upon the face of God and Isaiah's being "terrified at the glorious site of His face." I had never before read or even heard of this verse, and it just blew me away. I have kept that thought close to my heart ever since. Since that time, I have read many stories of parents who have lost their children, and accounts of how they knew their child peacefully crossed over from this world to the next. Dee's and Lorri's description of their beautiful daughters' last moments come immediately to mind. The suffering didn't happen...they were gone before it could hold them captive.

Rhonda: I am glad that you were visited by Westley's friends...sharing those conversations and memories fills those empty spaces in our hearts...even those stories we "would rather not hear about." The "regrets" and "what-ifs" will always be there, in some little corner of our minds...we can only hope that time will diminish their hold on us...I know that some of mine have drifted to the background, but sometimes it doesn't take much to pull them to the fore again. Reminding myself that we can't change those things works more often now than in the past, thankfully.

Karen: yes, more snow, though we didn't get nearly as much last time as predicted...perhaps this time it will be reverse...more than expected. Unfortunately, it is supposed to snow all day Wednesday, and that is the day we usually pick up Damon...we will have to figure something out. Perhaps if he doesn't have school, he can be here all day.

Kim and her girls had their Christmas this weekend. Ralph and I sent her a white tree and some lights, so they would have a tree to put up. They called me during their celebration and all seemed to be having a very good time. Rachel had her birthday celebration that night, after all the "Christmas-ing" was done. I was so glad that they did get to have their Christmas...Kim is doing a lot better and actually had gone back to work. Kim sent me this pic of their tree:

Jamie hates wearing a coat. Truly. You would think we were asking him to pull his hair out one by one. He comes here, sometimes with a sweatshirt and sometimes in short sleeves...no matter the temp. I told him this weekend that colder weather was headed our way, and he should keep his jacket handy. He told me he didn't have one this year...just last year's, which was too small now, so he doesn't have to wear it. I was out this week and found one for him at Kohls and Davis brought it home to him today for him to try on...When Jamie and Cathi got home this evening, they found the jacket hanging on the dining room chair. Jamie finally agreed to try it on, and Cathi sent us this picture of his reaction to finding it fit! Cathi titled the picture "He likes it.... Hey, Mikey!"

Maybe we can now work on a hat? lol

Rhonda, Jenn, Trudi, Betsy, thinking of you and holding you all close in thought and prayers as these days hold your heart captive....I pray your memories will provide you with comfort to help smooth the journey through these next days.

love and peace to all of you...

carol mikesmomrs

PS: Trudi: we must have posted around the same time...I LOVE the pics...and the heart in the sand...oh, Micheal is letting you know he is with you as these days close in on you...with you and all those he loves. Such a beautiful sign! A treasure...I hope you don't mind, I printed it out and will put it in my heart book that Cathi made.

[mikesmum]

Carol - You know when we came across this, first thing I said to Em was we need a pic for Mike's mum.........she gets it.....

[nicksdad]

Quell...

I am sorry for your loss. I read the story from the paper and not that it would change things but I think the Kos family could of been a little more honest in the way they are going about things.

Dan

NicksDad

[Guest msnher]

Yesterday I thought I had Jonathon's birth certificate in my hand. I needed to make a copy of it for his wrestling coach. Instead I had grabbed Stephanie's death certificate. Completely threw me off for the rest of the day. I don't know why I allowed it to hit me so hard. I am not able to articulate the emotions circulating inside my brain regarding the Arizona shooting. The shooter's face was spread across the front page of the paper this morning. I think I'll burn it and "smudge" my house. Serious dark energy.

Carol - You are correct about my daughter's dream. The night before Stephanie died, Amanda had a dream that Stephanie was on a four wheeler and that there was a man on the back. In her dream they crash into a barbed wire fence and the man appears to be pushing Stephanie's neck into the barbed wire. Amanda had the same dream every night the week after Stephanie died. She felt haunted and dreaded sleep. We didn't find out until Friday night five days after Steph died, what kind of man she had hooked up with. He was transitioning out of prison for felony stalking his girlfriend. He had hogtied her and left her in a field to die. We also found out he had tried to slit his ex wife's throat. We also found out Stephanie was trying to break it off with this man. Several of her friends accused him of murdering Stephanie. Upon discovering this new news Amanda and I panic'd. What if she was murdered? I had her cremated and there was no way of pushing an investigation further. Our thoughts raced out loud as we tried to figure a way to investigate this man. My youngest daughter, Jennifer, who was with us calmed us by reminding us that God does not operate in fear and we need to calm down and everything will be exposed in His time. Jennifer and I were visiting on the sofa as Amanda curled into a tight ball on the love seat where she drifted into a fitful sleep. I had some annointed oil so I put it on her head and prayed over her. Right in front of us, within seconds, Amanda stretched out comfortably and said, "Ohhh. I love you." She slept peacefully the rest of the night.

The next morning I asked her who she was talking to the night before. With the brightest smile on her face she said, "Stephanie. She came to me and explained my dream. I'm okay Amanda. The reason I was screaming was because I was scared. She had lost control of the 4-wheeler..it was an "oh shite" moment..Amanda continued to replay her visit...And, the man on the back of the four wheeler was Jesus taking my spirit before I ever hit the fence."

She was raised with Jesus so of course that's whom would be there for her. I believe a loving God would allow whomever the person knew to be there to escort them. It sounds like your Mike, Carol, got there even before his body had fully expired.

Our family received many other signs about Stephanie's well being and we have been able to put to rest the idea of murder. Most of the time, that is. There are days, like yesterday, when I want to rehash it all over again. I have to remind myself that I've put that to rest and let it go. I literally argue with myself about what we could have missed. I do that and I've had the blessing of actually going to the heavenly realm (in a dream or vision) and knowing that all our angels are there. I do torture myself with wondering if she suffered when her sister was given a dream the night BEFORE she died.

If my child was speeding on a motorcycle and crashed into the back of a truck I would be crazy with worry, too. It's in our maternal nature to protect our children...even when logic tells us differently.

And, some do suffer. I am horrified at what cancer and/or aids does to a person. What's important to remember is they are not suffering NOW.

It is important to remember there is a difference between suffering and being afraid. The suffering physical pain brings is not the same as being afraid of dying. Everything I've read, learned and experienced about the death process is that it's a beautiful experience. Beautiful for the one that died. For us? It's pure hell.

Now, we suffer. And, they don't want us to. Like we didn't want them to. They can't stop our suffering like we couldn't stop their illness or accident. But, they bring us comfort, just like we tried to bring them comfort.

Peace.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Bensmummy]

Hi Susannah ..it is so true you do get haunted by the wondering what they felt. Ben definitely had a Oh Shite! moment milli seconds before hitting the small truck in front of him..he would be so cranky about the fact he didnt see that one coming as he prided himself on avoiding disasters and believe me the close calls were numerous..hence my strong feeling he would not survive for long in this world.

The coroners report said he died from multiple injuries...not specific enough for his girl or his Mum. I suppose we are looking for an absolute nothing could be done to save his life. Im trained in Resuscitation and I think if I was there would I have been able to breath life into him. Its crazy because his injuries are not compatible with life and yet when I saw him at the hospital I felt compelled to blow a breath his way just above his mouth I just all blew gently ...I so wanted to fix him ..its the finality that is hitting me bad this week. Im hanging in and Im getting stupid phone calls from family members who are having quarrels and its driving me nuts..so Im not answering the door. Ive locked the front gate too. One of my brothers came around and beeped on the car horn of mine which was parked out the front...I ignored him so he put tree branches in the front seat and in the windscreen of my car...how annoying is that..I dont need them right now I just need a little space and I need to get pass the Birth date of Bens. I rang my gorgeous about to be 20 years old boy and I said you know Im so focused on Bens birthday ..when I should be focused on yours ..you are here with me right now..but Ben lets get him to his 27 years and then leave it at that. Jake agreed and said yes let him turn 27 and then he can stay that age ...it was nice to talk to him about it and I think a point here is to remember to acknowledge the gorgeous kids we have with us and not to forget how precious they are.

hugs and hello's to all.

Trudi I hope none of your loved ones are been affected by the floods. I have a daughter 28 years right in the middle of it at the moment. So Im anxious about her too right now.

To all my new special friends hugs from me xxoo

[Guest msnher]

PS - Logic tells me that Ben did not suffer.

Stephanie, herself, told me she was okay. A fact I sometimes choose to ignore.

I have burned the picture of the shooter and smudged my home (A native American custom. No, I'm not Native American)

Another Rambling. My heart is heavy. There is a slow simmer just under the surface of my emotions. I cannot articulate it. I am angry. Angry at God's creation of humans. The shooter aimed at that nine yr old little girl and pulled the trigger. He meant to shoot her. I am angry at the far right. I am angry at the far left. I am angry at crosshairs on a map. I am angry about the gangs in the cities, killing our children. I am angry at drugs. I am angry at Arizona and their imigration laws. I am angry at the federal government for not doing something about our borders and leaving Arizona to carry the burden by themselves. I am angry that white people (yes, I am one) continue to act so friggin superior. I am angry that Obama put a bunch of crooks in his cabinet. I am angry about Haiti. I am angry about Sudan. I am angry with Wyoming and its narrow minded hypocrosy. I am angry that my house is a mess and I have no desire to clean it. I am angry that I am angry. My anger will not change a thing. It won't help a thing.

I am angry when I hear the far right say they want to get back to what America was built on. Really? Slavery? The native americans? I wonder if they'd agree. The declaration of Independence has not, yet, fully become a reality to many Americans. The land of the free? Really? "Bring us your tired, your poor...." Really? Well, yes as long as they aren't from south of the border!!! Argh!!!!!!!!!

We are all imigrants...unless you're full blooded native American.

There are no answers. I have no solution. I can't even organize my own home and fold my own laundry let alone solve the problems of the nation and/or the world.

"Reload!" A political slogan.

I say....put down your weapons. Put down your fists. Quit pointing those fingers. I say we need to become the country we thought we were. We need to re read the Declaration of Independence and become the words written therein.

But, first, I have to fold my laundry.

He aimed at her and pulled the trigger.

"There are bad people in the world, Grandma, but there are more good people than bad. Bad things happen but more good things happen than bad." My granddaughter said those words to me as we washed dishes. She was raped, tortured and starved for over a year at the hands of her step father's girlfriend and "the bad man"...and, she said those words to me...............

She's nine.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

The Westboro church is planning to picket that nine year old girl's funeral.

[ericasmom]

Carol, glad for Kim and the girls, glad for Jamie too, a real coat on his back. So many kids grumble about the heaviness of a coat or just not being comfy, but he looked plenty happy with that coat on. What a cutie.

I don't think I ever mentioned or commented on the fact that you will be published. I am very excited for you and not surprised because your words are quite beautifully laid down, like pretty snowflakes glimmering a path.

It is snowing here and I am so glad, too many days of simply cold weather with none of the fun part of snow, so snow today and I am going to walk at lunch, slow and not far, but it will feel good in my old boots again.

My former sister-in-law is supposed to fly in from Boston today, her name is Carol and she reminds me of you Carol. Both very wise women. She is Eri's Godmom and the sister to my dearly deceased ex-husband, so she and I have spent time together during some very sad leavings. She slept on the floor of the hospital with us during Eri's process and then she and I stayed for 5 days with Michael as he prepared to leave. We both had cots in his room and slept with him each night, making sure he was not afraid to be alone. Jonathan slept down the hall, when he could sleep, and was able to take a break from the 24/7 it took t nurse his Daddy.

So she said that there was a nore'easter coming to Boston tomorrow and was trying to get out of town today. It is her 65 th birthday on Monday, but she is coming in for her Momma's 90th on Saturday.

Traveling mercies.

Blessings all-safe and warm in your homes,

dee

[Bensmummy]

Jeepers Susannah, laundry gets me down too..but I think this what is going on with you is more than the laundry. I recall to mind this scriptural point..."men can not rule themselves and if they do its to their own detriment" Is this not very much in evidence today. What a shame humans are too proud to give themselves over to their creators way of thinking. Has history not taught them anything yet. The wise one and the meek and mild and the one loving their god and father that is the one who will inherit life on this earth as it should have been. I find it so very frustrating that so many do not know truly what God has in store for us for our beloved children who are asleep in death right now. Turn your thoughts away from men of this earth they are nothing and turn your thoughts to the god of comfort for he is not as the main stream people say he is not at all liking our grief or pain and will restore the heaven and the earth..he promises.

Out of the mouths of Babes .. your grand daughter is truly a beautiful and wise young lady..very special. Maybe you could make a change today and just do something with her even for an hour..play a game or something and then tackle the mundane chores...she might just be what you need to lift your spirits...I hear you dear one and I so wish I could come over have a coffee and help you do the boring stuff as we talk and maybe just maybe have a girly giggle and a laugh. take care hugs Michelle

[Guest msnher]

Thank you, Michelle! I needed that. I wish we all lived closer. I'm going to take your suggestion and have lunch with Mariah today at school!

[ericasmom]

Michelle, yes breathe life into him, I know that feeling but the same was true for Erz, her injuries could not allow life to continue for more than a few days, severed her brain stem.

But yes, getting Ben to his 27th and discussing it with your beautiful soontobe 20 year old was a good way to show him that you are in this world with him, but that you need to hang out with Ben for now. It allows your Son to know that you ar ecommunicating with both worlds, a foot in each world so to say, and that must feel good for him to see you doing so, honoring both worlds.

Sus, I know he pointed at Christina adn I have been weeping for her family and for what she was gaining by being there, and what she lost, what the twon lost that day and our world. I do wish we could remember the basis of this country, not the Right wing basis, but the bravery of folks coming to a new land to live freely. I know that it did not work out that way when those escaping rule from England began to put rules on Native Americans, but boy, I do wish we could be clean in our vision and our actions.

Palin and her crosshairs, that curch and their hideous thought to protest at Christina Greens funeral...how could this really be America?

[ericasmom]

Carol, what a beautiful wonder, that the page you found opened in front of you was mike's date of leaving and there were the words that let you know, ancient words that let you know that indeed, he was not in pain but in full exposure to God in all the glory.

Perfect story to set my heart to a good and spirited beat and rhythm. Thanks.

Michelle, I think your suggestion is one of great healing and Sus, I hope you are able to get away and do that, because your Grand girl has the right idea, there is more good than bad, she knows bad, but she knows the truth.

Leah's grandgirl also tells a story of Angels lifting JaBoa away, no pain, no worry, just time to leave on the wings of our Angels.

[kmb22]

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[Crystal16]

Rhonda- I think of you often especially this week when so near to Westley’s Angel-anniversary. I can relate to your wavering faith it’s hard and God knows we are struggling. God knew it long before we did the pain we would face… remember he declares he will never leave or forsake us!

Karen- Ashlee also had our pastor at the crime scene. He heard the news on the police scanner as he is the pastoral pastor at the PD and rushed over to be by her side.

Trudi- I hope your family is safe and not dealing with the floods in Australia. I loved the pictures, thanks for sharing. I’m sure Em will enjoy every minute of the party.

Susannah- So sorry to read the short period of darkness you went through about Stephanie’s death. It was awesome to read that your daughter Amanda had shared the man on the back was Jesus with Stephanie. Just you sharing that short remembrance brought hope to my heart about Jesus being with Ashlee before she took her last breathe.

Michelle- Thank you for reminding me of Gods truths and promises to his children!

[Guest msnher]

I, too, tried to breath life into Stephanie. Even after she had been dead for a few days. I hugged her body and tried to transfer my life into her. As I stood there, staring at her, willing life, my phone rang three separate times by three separate friends. Each one left a message that they had a sudden burden to call me. The first time I walked the crash site and found the actual place my daughter's body had laid, I dug into the dirt to touch her still wet blood. "Mom, what are you doing?" whispered into my thoughts in Stephanie's voice. "Don't do this, Mom." The whisper begged.

This, too, shall pass. This dark place I am in at the moment will lift and I will feel the sunshine in my soul again. Right now I weep for my family, for my city, for my country, for our world. If any good can come from the Arizona tragedy I pray it be that we all watch our words more carefully and learn to treat each other with respect and equality. I am the worst. My tongue is untamed and undisciplined.

Thank you all for being here. Together we walk, arm in arm, as parents and grandparents.....the walking wounded...healing the world with our love.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

After Stephanie died I often found myself clenching my fists. My nails dug into the palms of my hands. One day as I sat outside allowing the sun to penetrate my tear soaked cheeks I heard, "Unclench your fists." It was physically painful to do. As I unclenched my fists and exposed my palms a rush of pain soared through my gut, piercing my womb where I carried my child. "Breath" I focused on the relaxation techniques I had learned years before. Feeling the pain, honoring the process, I allowed the pain to have its way with me...palms outward, tears streaming, heart breaking. A healing was beginning.

[Bensmummy]

Oh yes we are the walking wounded...I thought I had felt pain and been wounded before in my life by bad men but now I know this pain and this wound... it is in operable. Cant be amputated unless they take out our hearts..but we need our wounded hearts because while they are still beating then they will still Love..we need to love those that are not seen by us but are held so dearly in our hearts. We need to love those with us ..dont forget the ones we see and touch they need us wounded hearts and all to give whatever love we can muster from our tired broken sore wounded hearts. My little girl and young boy are missing me sometimes even if I am in the room..I have to remember to be there..really there for them. We need to teach those we meet about love and be ready to catch someone near us who may fall with a wounded heart too. Poor young Tammie ..Bens girl..she needs me too right now her heart is so very sore and she cant find away around the pain..I try to administer to her whatever I can to dull the pain and Im teaching her to trust god that he has Ben safe. On that note I must get some sleep. only two more sleeps to the dreaded day and yet when it comes I think I wont have anything left in me to do anything. Not even cry...

night everybody have a good day and I know your brave country is in strife and turmoil right now..I read and listen to your countries events because ultimately Australia is going to be very affected too ...I hope Trudi has no family in the flood area. I have a daughter 28 years my eldest she is near a small river and does not seem to think this is a danger...but my girl is very casual about things and worries me. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day but somehow I think not. night night all

[ericasmom]

Michelle, I do hope your Daughter will be put to higher ground soon, that she is safe. What part of Australia is flooding,the eastern part of your nation? Be safe.

Holding you all so close, so dear to my heart.

[rlolheiser]

good morning to all my family

It's been a long morning.. we were supposed to see a lawyer today.. we cancelled.. we had decided to see a lawyer in the closest largest city about an hour away... We couldn't do it.. all we could do is cry. My daughter is afraid to tell these people what happened. After she cancelled, she went through the accident again.. crying how sorry she was to be at fault of the accident. Sorry to JaBoa for causing her pain, afraid that jaBoa hated her.. afraid that my father hated her.. wondered did her grandpa meet her.. She said to me.. she had just gotten upset with JaBoa for fidgeting and not being belted in.. and the van started to give her problems.. and she tried to slow it down, hit the ice.. she saw fear in JaBoa's eyes, as she ran for the backseat.. she said hold on baby, we're going down (the embankment) she said she saw the fear and then terror on JaBoa's face.. she said..JaBoa told her I am going to miss you mama.. just before they crashed to the bottom... but the terror in her face was so terrible and haunting my daughter.. It just so happened that I had read CAROL earlier about Isaiah.. I need to find this for her... I reminded her that her little one said the angels came and got JaBoa.. I don't know how to handle this.. I don't handle it well most days but reading carol this morning made me feel better.. it still hurts the thoughts in my mind.. but I have to believe my little girl saw the glory of God....

I don't know what we will do now.. don't know if she can find the strength to do the lawyer thing.. I don't know if it is worth it.. It would be if we can come out with a tribute and stone for our girl.. I just don't know if her mom is able to do it.. and I can't do it without her..

I hope everybody is safe, and all our loved ones.. my heart and prayers are with those coming upon the firsts.. it is so cold here today.. please stay warm

[westleysmom]

Susannah-I have been thinking all morning that I am in the dark place, and look, we're there together. It seems that I can't watch too much of what happened in Arizona, like I was almost completely unaware of what happened in Haiti last year on January 12, I think it was. I didn't know for days about the earthquake there. I had my own personal earthquake going on and just couldn't bear anyone else's.

That whole week keeps replaying in my mind as it has come again this year. Friday we went to look at a piece of furniture my daughter wanted to buy from a friend and then we went to eat catfish. Westley didn't come, but I talked to him on the phone. The next day, he helped move the furniture to her house, and then went to a friend's after he picked up his car from the shop. I don't think he came home that night, at least until the next morning. The next day was Sunday, we had a family thing, the same one we went to this past Sunday. He didn't come, but was at home when I got there. He stayed out very late Sunday night but came in and worked on Monday. Came home very, very late and we had a big falling out about his drinking and staying out so late on work nights. My husband was asleep, he has to get up so early, he could hardly ever stay up to see that Westley made it in, I was the one who did that. We fought out on the porch so as not to wake him, and when we came in, I wouldn't let him hug me goodnight. I told him to just get in the bed. The next morning, I didn't get up when they did because I was trying to catch up on my sleep. I heard them talking, but I didn't get up, which wasn't that unusual. That night, me and my husband went to my daughter's house to get a treadmill that she didn't want anymore and we brought it home and put it in the basement. I talked to Westley before we left, so he'd know where we were, but he still wasn't in when we got home. I got up around 9:30 and called to see where he was. He said he'd be home in an hour or so, he had to take Taylor home. He sounded so happy and alive, I could hear his friends cutting up in the background. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me too. And the next morning, Taylor called on my cell in hysterics that she couldn't wake him. It all seems like yesterday. When we got to the hospital and they told us, he had been intubated, so I couldn't even kiss him good. I can still see him laying on that table because I'm still there. That's the dark place, the place where I feel stuck so much of the time.

I don't think I'll be able to come to work Thursday. I told a co-worker today, and she said Why? and then she said "Oh, yeah" I guess its okay that they don't remember my earthquake if I don't have to remember everybody else's. I can't forget mine because its still happening.

Michelle-I hope your daughter is okay and you get some rest. I don't have too much trouble sleeping, at least so far, but I know many of us do.

Leah-I am so sorry for your and your daughter's pain and confusion about what to do. It is so hard to allow others to see our pain, I can understand why it is so hard to see the lawyer and go through all of it. Thinking of you and sending you peace.

Crystal-Thanks for thinking of me. I'm trying not to get stuck here in the dark place, but its so hard not to.

Karen-Thanks for the poem, I copied to my file where I keep stuff like that. I didn't see that movie, but would like to.

[Guest msnher]

Leah - My heart breaks for you, your daughter and the heavy burden you carry. Carol's quote of Isiah comforted me, too, this morning. Your little JaBoa seemed to know, didn't she? If memory serves me right you mentioned how she didn't want to leave you that day. Something inside her knew. Hugs to you!

There were three very happy children at lunch time. I forced myself not to correct Jonathon's manners in front of the other kids. But, I wondered..."Does he have any manners?" Sheese! Jasmine introduced me to all her friends and talked non stop as she bestowed hug after hug on me. Mariah got to have lunch earlier than her scheduled lunch so we could all eat together. She was very mature as she sat across from me, at the table with the "little" kids. As soon as the table was excused, Jonathon and Jasmine gave a quick hug goodbye and were out of sight....the weather had warmed up enough they got to have an outside recess and they were headed for the mountain of snow along with 100 other children. Jasmine had her snow gear on. Jonathon did not. He had them on when he left the house this morning...but, not when I saw him at lunch.

Mariah and I walked arm in arm back to her class so she could get her coat and gloves to go outside.

Her arms wrapped tightly around me as we stood outside, watching the little kids all attack the snow mountain left inside the school yard by the snow plow. All jumping at once...sliding at once...screams and giggles and shouting for joy. Jonathon's snow pants and boots safe inside the classroom, as he jumped in the piles of snow in his his sneakers. I decided not to have the battle of appropriate dress with him again...for now.

Mariah and I exchanged another hug as I bid my goodbyes.

Thank you, Michelle.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom