Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I love it that you and your husband bought an mp3 player for your two year old granddaughter just so she could hear "I like to move it". This is such a difficult time for you and Michelle....and, Betsy too...you are all in my prayers.

Crystal - I hope you have a good time with your friends tonight.

[Crystal16]

Sus- Meeting up with six of my strong girlfriends and letting loose..

Dee- Ethan is 14, awkward age to go through anyways. He looks up to his father which scares me as his father is a player and immature. Ethan always looks to Dave for approval and he lacks the fatherly support!

[briansdad]

Well guys just when you think it can't get any worse.My relationship with my sons x girlfriend is about to go to crap. I fear the end result is she will use Alyssa to get back at me. Although I've done nothing more than I won't allow her to know details about Alyssa's trust fund which I started. She has accused me of stealing from it. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT???

It has always been about money for her. I think Brian would be going through hell if he were still here having to deal with her. I don't understand how people like her to actually seem to try to be a bitch.Why I have to put up with this crap I'll never know. All I can say is heaven better be really really awsome because I've lived too long in hell down here.

I had a parent at our meeting make this statement. It is so true. She said " I thought losing my son was the hardest thing I ever did. But I realize now, living without him is."

Greg

[Guest msnher]

Looking back, through a child's eyes....

I was the little girl who was free to go to school or not.

I was free to play in the junk yard/landfill all day. I found many treasures in the town dump.

I played at the old cemetary, thinking I was playing on my grandfather's grave...not finding out until I was an adult that he wasn't buried there.

I climbed the small hills of Tonopah Nevada, thinking they were mountains, going into caves and old mines, exploring and looking for bears.

I could catch a lizard, snake or hornytoad as fast or faster than any boy could. I preferred hornytoads because they couldn't get out of my pockets as quick.

I helped my sister drag the matress to the roof of Grandmas house where we would spend many nights trying to count the stars in the summer sky...falling asleep and not waking until the sun came up the next morning, never falling off the roof.

I knew all the words to "These boots are made for walkin'" by Nancy Sinatra. I knew how to twist. I learned from my grandmother. She could twist herself all the way to the floor and back up. I listened to the Monkeys and Glen Campbell and Patsy Cline. I sounded like a sick cow singing "Craaazy...I'm crazy for feeling so lonely..."

I was the little girl who shrugged off the insults and stood as tall as my small body would let me and threaten to kick ass..............and, then run like hell when someone older and/or bigger than me decided to let me try...

I was the little girl who couldn't pronounce her r's or her L's. My sister's name, Arlene, was said Awene....pretty soon I just called her weeny. My best friend, Roy, was woy.

When Woy and I pwayed...I got to be the dad...I made him be the mom. Dad's could go out and get dirty...not mom's. He didn't like being the mom but he had no choice because I could whip him in a fight.

There are good memories back there. Lots of them.

[briansdad]

I'm feeling this now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBGaloOxNkU

[Guest msnher]

Hugs to you, Greg. So sweet. So bitter. Beautiful song - sad truth

[Crystal16]

Greg- Thanks for sharing the below link... I actually posted it on my FB as I too feel the same!

[briansdad]

Wake me up.

[shorty16]

Crystal,

About a year ago, I went through a hysterectomy via c-section (my 4th c-section).

I felt 1000X better when it was done.

If I can make one suggestion, the more you stay off your feet in the beginning (first 3 weeks) the better your recovery will be.

Good luck my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Thanks Colleen...

I wish I had the discipline to do that but I live a very active life. I take care of myself and my other two children that needs me mobile. I work a full-time job that I love being at that keeps me distracted from thinking of Ashlee's negligent death 24/7.

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[westleysmom]

Greg-So so sorry for the trouble with the ex. Thanks for the videos, you always pick good ones. Will be thinking of you and hoping that she doesn't make good on her threats. With some people, its always about the money.

Crystal-Never had a c-section, but do try to at least stay off your feet as much as you can like Colleen says. She sounds like an expert. Maybe at least for the first week? I bet every minute you can stay in the bed will help you not to have a relapse, which will inconvenience your household for an even longer time and cause you pain. I know what you mean about the work helping distract from thinking about our loss. I was off for about a week, and then I came back to work. The house was too quiet and full of memories. Peace, dear, and I hope that you have a good time with your friends tonight, (but not so good that you regret it in the morning.)

Susannah-My granddaughter has been talking almost since she was born(maybe exaggerating, but close), but can't say her "F" sounds very good. They always come out like S, so when she counts, its one two three sore sise six sesen eight nine ten. (because V sound is kind of like F sound only harder) I always thought that little kids who have a funny way of saying certain sounds were adorable, as she is and as I bet you were too. I"m glad you have good memories, too. I'm so sorry for all that you and others have suffered at the hands of those entrusted with caring for them, including your grandchildren. Westley tried wrestling in 2nd or 3rd grade, but had such a bad temper, it was not a good fit for him! He was always stocky, but not wiry like most of the high school wrestlers around here. I meant to tell you that when I saw your grandson was going to try it. I always wonder if we had pushed him harder to get involved with something at school, things would be different, he would have had different friends and interests. But we didn't want to fight constantly and if Westley didn't want to do something, that's what you were in for. I guess we all think about things like that, and it doesn't matter now. It's not our fault, we did the best we could. (Little private pep talk there, excuse me)

Got to pick up the little darling at day care in a bit. Going home to see how the deconstruction/reconstruction of the bathroom is going. Will check in tomorrow hopefully. Have a good evening all.

[Guest msnher]

Had a good nap and my head isn't pounding. I'm still stuffy and achey but the headache has been the worst part. One of those all over, throbbing through your eyes type headaches.

Crystal - I hope your body will cooperate with your responsibilities after your surgery. Sometimes, it seems, our bodies scream "I said REST, damn it!" I'm sure you'll deal with that when you have to. Right now have a good time out with your friends. I trust you have a designated driver or money for cab fair....LOL....I was always the designated driver! The only drunk in the bunch and they made me be the designated driver. Boy did that put ME in a bad mood.

Karen - You weren't a downer at all! I enjoy visiting with you, my friend. I'm sorry I had to cut our conversation short but the Nyquil had kicked in and I couldn't focus my vision. As a rule, I never take Nyquil because of the alcohol content. But, I was desperate to try it before I go to the doctor..anything but the doctor.... I've only had bronchitis once before in my life (right after I got a flu shot. I'll never get another flu shot) Anyway, this feels like it's trying to go that direction so I'm resting and drugging myself so I don't have to go through THAT again. I am such a baby to pain. Anyway, you were not a downer. You have a lot on your plate, too. I got a little sidetracked when I clicked on "The Memory" by Enya after listening to the song Greg posted, so I brought myself down. Just one of those freeze in your tracks moments when you realize your child has died........again. That's really the only time I'm quiet. When it hits and I try to wrap my head around it. Can't do it so I distract myself.

Greg - I missed your post and just saw the links until now. I'm so sorry you're having problems with the mother of your grandbaby. I certainly hope she doesn't use her as a weapon. She is your whole world. I doubt Alyssa would put up with that. She adores you, too.

Rhonda - How you doing? I saw you come in and leave chat earlier. Hugs to you!

Colleen - I enjoy our visits too. We had a really good anger management group here in Casper. The man who led the group is now on a mission overseas but he was wonderful. He earned the respect of the toughest and the most scared. I admire what you're doing with Trevor.

Well, gang....you're in my heart.

Susannah/Stephanies mom

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I took so long to type my response I just noticed you posted. I can just picture your little grandbaby counting. So cute!

[aim630]

I only have a few minutes, so hopefully can get caught up on everything later tonight. The letter from the hospital said that when Ashley received a blood transfusion last December, they gave her blood that was possibly contaminated with Hepatitis C. They said it initially tested negative, then the same person gave blood again, and it tested positive. After reading about it online,I don't think it would have anything to do with Ashley's death, because usually it affects people long-term. She was in such a weakened state though, I just wonder. Doesn't matter now though. I just hate that hospital & wish they would have realized what was going on with her earlier that day, or possibly even the day before. I told the nurse I thought maybe she had a blood clot that traveled to her heart, and she said "no, it's not possible, she's on blood thinner." But i read that it IS possible...and her symptoms seem like that's all it could have been. I have to stop thinking about it now, it can't be changed, and will just drive me crazy wondering.

Hope to catch up with everyone later.

[Guest msnher]

Hugs to you Amy. I don't even know what to say.

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Indigos.doc

[ericasmom]

Amy, wow, that is something to think about , the blood being tainted but you are right, there is nothing to do to reverse it. I am sorry.

Greg, the video was something, reminded me of the Moody Blues who I believe the album, On the Threshold of a Dream had that same wording at the start. I am terribly sad that the mom of Alyssa is acting so ridiculous. How can she even think to complain about the trust fund in her Daughters' name opened by you? Why is that a concern of hers? Why would she interrupt the relationship you and Alys have? I am going to send a lot of energy your way Greg, to undo what she is doing.

Sus, nyquil will either lay me flat or hype me up. I cannot take most drugs anymore, they make me hallucinate or throw up or stay up for 36 hours. Boy in the 70's I took everything illegal, now I can't take legal.

[daveydow1]

Greg----Sorry that Brian's ex is being so hard to get along with, and I do hope that she does not keep

Alyssa from you. It is plain to see that you just adore that little girl. Yes, it's hard to believe that she's

acting this way. What makes people so difficult ???

Amy----I sure hope that the guy does follow through and puts your mom's name on the deed----which

is only right.

Colleen----I'm sorry for the trouble that Trevor has had at school. Just sending prayers that things will smooth out.

Betty----Prayers, too, for you and your sister.

Crystal----Was sad to read of your homelife when growing up. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Dee-----You mentioned that as a teacher, you teach kids to always report any abuse......even if it is by a loved one. I think

that you make a very important point........EVEN if the abuse is by a loved one/family member/ or friend of the family.

I think that sometimesthe info that is out there for kids seems to impress them that abuse is by a 'stranger', and that

if it happen to be a loved oneor family member, then it is not abuse, possibly. Your story of the night that you and 2

girlfriends planned to run away wasvery moving, and scary to say the least. Their experience of being picked up by an evil

man was horrifying when they foundout his intentions. Thank God that they were brave enough to get themselves out of the

car, and also that they were able toconceal themselves so that he could not find them, and he must have given up and left the

scene. So glad that Jon spoke upto your dad at the funeral. It's odd that some abusers feel that they can 'command' love and

respect simply because they arerelatives or friends.......almost as if it is their right. Does your dad ever call you, or try to get you

to come see him ? I'm glad that your recuperation is progressing well.

Karen----I checked the music files on my Media Player where I ripped the songs from CDs to........In Properties, there seemed

to be no indication of what format the songs were in......I checked several songs. No mention of MP3 file formats. So, as usual,

I'm in the dark about it . ....Thanks for trying to help, though.

davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Wow there certainly has been alot of posts since I last logged on with such diversity.

Greg - It never ceases to amaze me the thinking of those who hold the grandchildren of the children we have lost. Harmony's mum was all about the money from the day Mike took his last breath. When Mal told her Mike had passed she told him she didn't have the money to bury him. When his siblings asked if they might have a keepsake of Mikes she told them no they would probably sell them for money. Sadly, most of his guitars etc have been sold, not by his family. There was the insurance policy for $400,000AU. She put a claim in on the Monday, Mike died the Thursday before. Given the circumstances of his death the policy was never paid out. She believes that we have the money and writes the most hideous letters accusing me of 'living off my dead sons money'. We aren't allowed to see Harmony, we have been advised that she will 'keep us in the courts till she bankrupts us'. We have money aside for Harmony. The details are with our legals and family. The 'trust' set up to benefit Mikes daughter not her mum.

I really don't know what to say. Your granddaughter is so much a part of your life, Brian's life. Best I can offer, don't lose your cool and don't try to reason with the unreasonable. Her life has moved on, yours like most of us here is rivited to a place in time. I wish you well in your endeavours to maintain your connection with that precious child.

Colleen - Yep, angel in the home devil outside. A form of acting out against someone in authority. There may be more bubbling under the surface based on years of a life that you have no knowledge of. Even at this age, expressing and understanding what Trevor is feeling might just be beyond him right now. I know this makes you heartsick, but it would seem Trevor has been abandoned or pushed aside most of his life, now I guess he's looking for someone who will stick with him no matter what.....Good Luck.

Dee - Whew, good news thank goodness. I hope the recovery is coming along. Take the 'long route' to recovery to make sure your truly recovered.

Well, back in the hills while Melissa and family are having a break at the bay. Will be back there on Monday. Its a strange calm that has come over me lately. No great trips to the abyss, just a 'being' kind of feeling. Don't get me wrong, its not bad, its just 'new'? There is also that nagging thought that I might be forgetting my son......NOT A CHANCE.....

A couple of Muttley pics taken this past week.....Love peace out....Trudi

Cloudy sunset Beach No 5. Tides out.

Mal Anthony and Tara with an ever vigilant Muttley. There was a guy trying to row his blowup raft, comical to say the least.

[Guest msnher]

That took a lot of work. Thank you Karen!

I love the pictures you take, Trudi. You are quite the photographer.

[summergirl]

I am not even going to try to catch up on all that has been posted as I would be all night....I only get to come on at night as I cannot from work so.....

Greg - the most beautiful song and exactly how I am feeling right now too. I am so sorry about Brian's ex - I to will never understand the ability they have to be so hurtful and so much worse when a child is involved. I understand completely what Alyssa means to you - it is so visible with your postings - so I have to agree with Trudi and urge you to keep your cool as much as possible even though you really want to give her a good smack down - she knows how to hurt you the most and I never want to see her follow through and not let you see that beautiful little girl. One would think she would be happy that you have a trust for Alyssa instead of being greedy - my heart hurts for you and all of those who have to deal with so much hell from the ex's. Sending energy and peace.

It is snowing again, so beautiful to see it fall from the sky so gentle and quiet. Tomorrow Tavian is going to his friend Damiens house for a play date then they are coming back here for a sleep over so it will be a noisy weekend but a fun one....it has been a long time since Tavian has had a playdate and he is very excited especially the first time in our new home.

I wish I had words to explain how I am feeling right now but I cannot find the words....

Peace, love and strength to all, Kathy

[rlolheiser]

Rhonda, I hate icy roads, I don't think I will be driving again until next spring.. or at least til all the ice is gone. :-) and yet I have a road trip next week, but at least it's all interstate.. I hope our snow storm misses us.

Coleen, I hope things go ok with Trevor, I admire all you do for him, you show him he is loved. My grandson will be 18 next month too.. and he has problems with any authority figures except me.. it bothers his mom that he listens to me all the time (at least when I am around him) I don't know what makes them kick up their heels.. all you can do is try to guide him, I hope he listens up to you.

Greg, so sorry about your grandaughter.. she sounds so sweet, children should never be used as a tool for anything.. they are put here only to love.

Dee.. thanks for asking.. not doing real well.. I got the paperwork in the mail today from the accident.. the description and pictures just haunt me. I cried today everytime I turned around.. I don't know if I am ready for this.. it is like starting over.. only this time I have to see it :-( I am lost.. a wreck.. but I am ok I guess.. cause I have everybody here..

I am just tired.. talk about insomnia..2 good strong hours of sleep and then it is wake up sleep.. wake up.. maybe sleep.. stay awake..

My daughter has been sickly again as late, my house is a mess.. but the kids run around the house happy.. guess I did something right..

Thinking of you all..

[lostwoher]

This was just released today. For those of you who dont know the story: Dustin is my sister's husband nephew. Maybe, just maybe there will be justice?

The Mason County Sheriff’s Department and Illinois State Police officials have made an arrest in the murder of a rural Mason County man.

Randy J. Deskin, 33, was arrested at Stateville Correctional Center in Joliet for the murder of Dustin Englebrecht, 27, in August 2009. Deskin was due to be released on parole Monday after serving two and a half years for aggravated battery in a public place, meth charges, a hate crime and obstructing justice in Tazewell County.

Mason County Sheriff Wayne Youell issued a press release Friday afternoon stating that a Mason County grand jury indicted Deskin on three counts of first degree murder, Class M felonies.

Im feeling a bit jealous because they ( Englebrecht family ) may get some sort of justice. I cant. Is it wrong for me to feel this?

[ericasmom]

Leah, I can only guess what you are going through, saying it is like starting over with this tragedy pretty much sums it up. But the kids are running around having fun, and yes indeed, you did more than one something right Leah. Boy do I wish you some peaceful breeze come your way.

Lynn, no, how could it be wrong of you to feel what you are feeling? It is, I think, quite natural to wish for things to have unfolded differently in the case of Kayla's death. Of course seeing someone else actually see justice being served leaves you feeling jealous, a bit empty. I am glad though that at least justice is being served in that case. We can not help how we react when we hear something pertaining to cases that remind us of our loss. We can not predict it, nor control how we feel. All we can do is our best Sweetie, and sometimes that amounts to crying and staying in our jammies.

Karen, what an incredible job you did in providing us the spread sheet. Thanks so much.

Hey there Trudi, tell Muttley that I especially love the way he is reflected in the wet sand as he meanders through the afternoon. Beautiful photos Deary.

[mikesmum]

Im feeling a bit jealous because they ( Englebrecht family ) may get some sort of justice. I cant. Is it wrong for me to feel this?

Lynn - I don't think jealous is the word. Injustice maybe. Wanting answers to why our child died and wanting to find someone responsible is part of this journey. They can't have just died. It doesn't sit well.

Since this guys arrest, Dustins family have now enter another phase of what is already a nightmare journey. It may give them answers and justice for Dustin. It won't lessen their feelings of loss.

I feel my blood pressure rise when I see the investigations into 'celebrity deaths' due to a mix of prescription meds. Doctors are interviewed, some are even charged. Those closest are interviewed about the last contact they had.

While back at 'ranch' Mike's doc got a slap on the wrist and told to do at least 4hrs education on the affects of long term narcotic use in the treatment of prolonged pain. The pharmacist, well NOTHING! As for Amanda who was in the room next to Mike and her older sister who spoke with Mike at 2am that morning......NOTHING.....

Ahhh but I feel a rant coming on and truly I think it might best be served by me writing yet another letter to the Coroner and the Department of Health.........yaddada yaddada

Karen - Love the spread sheet. One thing ~ Micheal is spelt Micheal not ae. It used to be something I smiled about, but since he's been gone I'm almost precious about his name spelling. Mike was named after the son of a friend of ours. She and her husband who suffered badly with rheumatoid arthritis adopted a dark haired brown eyed boy and named him Micheal. They also adopted a blonde haired blue eyed girl named Jodi. She died young from breast cancer.

BAck inside from the heat......Take Care Indigo's everywhere.....

[quellsmom]

I read and read and can't seem to ever catch up. My thoughts are with you all. I was on my way to work the other morning and stopped into the convenience store to get coffee and on the front page of the paper was my beautiful boy looking up at me. I hate those moments. When I am crawling along, trying to put one foot in front of the other and I am sucked back into the black hole again. I want to talk about my son with out the word death, without the word case and without the look of pity on everyones face. And what I want more than anything is a sign from him. Something, anything to say he is with me. Someone had said to me "maybe you aren't ready yet". When will I be ready?..........I live in the borderland somewhere between my world and his.

I hope peace finds you all.

[Guest msnher]

Quell'smom - I am so sorry you are in that dark, lonely place we all know too well. I don't think it's about being ready to hear from your son....we were ready the moment they left this plain...I think it's about recognizing the signs when they come. There are many reasons why we don't always recognize the messages our children send us, but I am positive they are sending them. I don't remember how your son died or when. Can you talk about it? I would like to get to know you and him better.

Lynn - I don't remember knowing about Dustin. Your family has really been through hell! I completely understand your emotions about the whole thing. It's not that you don't want justice for Dustin...you would just like justice for your daughter, too.

Leah - I had so hoped you wouldn't have to go through this! I'm so sorry my friend!

I am not "well" yet, but I feel much better. The pressure in my chest has lifted and I don't feel like my eyes are going to explode out of my face. There is just a residual of a headache left. Still stuffy, but otherwise much better. I haven't had a cigarette since Thursday morning and I think I'll just keep it that way. I've been taking small steps to improve my health for a while...that seems to be the biggest, most logical step I need to take. Ya think?

I'm sure I've missed some, but it isn't intentional. All of you mean more to me than I can say. Colleen - You and Trevor were the last thoughts on my mind as I drifted off last night and the first thoughts when I opened my eyes this morning. Prayers continue for both of you!

Love to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

Lynn.. Jealousy isn't always wrong, you have suffered a great loss, an injustice to the heart.. after all your human, and when you see things happening for others, you wonder why it didn't happen for you. Your not envious over something monetary, your envious over something much more precious

Trudi, I sure enjoy looking at your pictures, it seems mine never turn out the way I want.. you have a talent. I agree with you how you feel about the spelling of Michael, I feel the same with JaBoa... down to the capitalized B, I thought I was just being silly, but I love her name.. how it looks.

Dee. thank you for your sweet words. I just don't feel like I do a lot right these days, I keep waiting for my husband to get mad because my house has never been this messy, yet I just am to tired by night to do a lot. I sure hope I can catch up some today. My carpets need shampooing so badly. Its a good thing I don't get company.

Quellsmom, I know how important it is to look for signs from our angels, I still look, and wish and pray for things from my girl daily. Maybe there are some signs.. maybe the paper was a sign just telling you he is still there.. sometimes it takes us a little time of thought and remember.. Hey.. that was you my angel..watching over me and walking by my side. I don't know... it is just how I find things, I have missed some signs and remembered them later..

Susannah, thank you.. I know you didn't want me to go through this.. I don't want to go through this. When the envelope came, I didn't want to look, I wasn't going to, but my daughter said she had to, so I had to be there with her, I couldn't let her go at it alone. I hope the new storm coming our way doesn't hit you guys.. the deep freeze is on the way..like you said ND.. cold

My night was long, I am so weary and I don't mean to complain. I want to make it through everything ok, and know that if I didn't come in here I would just be totally lost. I don't always post, can't... But I do read, and I do cry and laugh with each of you. I thank you again for being here

[lolynbo]

DONT BE JEALOUS BUT OFF TO THE CITY FOR RACE CAR PART SALE....BE JEALOUS VERY JEALOUS...LOL TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS MORN...MY BOYS ARE HAPPY

[ericasmom]

WEll, I will try Lor, to not be jealous...Got out today myself to buy crickets and then to school to feed my frogs. John, husband took me, still need my chaperon, my dear Sherpa .So after being in the house except for little walks in the neighborhood, it felt mighty good to be out in the world.

I did a bit of dusting as I need to move, but now am sitting,

It is cold and breeezy out, in the teens.

Trudi, yes, I can fully understand the feelings you must have at the lack of punishment, the lack of justice that went on and continues to go on in cases such as Micheal's. Four hours of classes? Goodness, let's hope the good doctor has learned how to identify dangereous mixes of drugs in those classes. Peace Sister.

Quell'sMom, it must have sucked the breath right out of you to see your Handsome Son across the front pages of the news, and yes, to see his name without the word DEATH or CASE would be a gift. I am sorry for what you are feeling, sorry for what you must walk through. I would ask too, if it is within your ability right now, to remind us of how Quell died? Was he with his cousin and found in a parking lot? IT could be that I am mixing stories here which I hope you will forgive me if I am, many new folks came at around the same time and I just can't memorize facts anymore.

Sherry, yes, too many kids need others to stand up for them when those raising them have either turned the other cheek or have been the perpetrators in their lives. Thankfully, it is something we encourage talking about, where as when we grew up, it was taboo.

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[Crystal16]

Stop by quickly to read... hugs to all. I'm always thinking of each and everyone of you.

[ericasmom]

Prayers please for Carson, a nine year old nephew of Shannon, Jonathan's fiancee'. He was unconscious this morning, diabetic and levels went nuts. he is recovering but nobody knows how long he was unconscious. He is a Sweetie, please send him your positive force.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - love, light and energy for Carson....

[ericasmom]

thanks Sus, I appreciate the energy sent.

[mikesmum]

Dee - I second that. Sending love, light and energy for Carson also to his parents and family. Glad the gnome, your personal Sherpa managed to escort you into the fresh air.

Quellsmom - Really does suck the breath from your body doesn't it. I really struggle with associating certain words or phrases with my son. Dead is one, the deceased another. The day he died I arrived at his house and was identified by the police on scene as the Mother of the deceased. He is and always will be Micheal Shane, son of, brother to and father of Harmony. Its strange how we label based on one day.

As for signs. Don't know if its about 'being ready'. Sometimes when I talk about things I talk about signs from Micheal away from here I get that 'hmmmm yes, okay then'. Crazy lady in the room..... The signs take many forms. For me a break in the clouds can be a 'hey mum' like that warmth on your face?

Karen - Pls don't apologise, its one of the tricky ones. Even at school, high school would you believe, there was a teacher who told Mike he had spelt his own name wrong.....Grrrrrrr. It like my name. I get Trudy Trudie Judy and then there is the ole Gertrude. Hmmmmmmmm.

Cooler here today. Trying to bring some order to the house in the hills before I head back for a couple of days with the grandies at the beach.

[ericasmom]

Anyone up for a chat?

[ericasmom]

Thanks for the prayers All, hopefully, Carson will sleep and gather some strength. Apparently, his new pump is a bit hard to get used to and until they do, he needs to be checked often, but was with his Dad this weekend who is a bit less structured in his approach. Anyhow, continued prayers for little Dude Carson.

Yes, Trudi, all the labels that mark a moment in the lives of our Babies. That is why we Say Their Names isn't it?

[daveydow1]

Lynn-----I think that it is only natural that you would feel some jealousy. It just upsets our sense of balance & fairlness when

we stand back & see someone else's family get some justice. At the same time, we are glad that they are getting it. A crazy

mixed up jumble of feelings & emotions we go through. A trucker that killed 3 young men last year is getting more pumishment

than the one that killed my son. However, I must be stern with myself and remind myself that this trucker had a long history

of DUI and drugs etc. in his past.......lied on his app. for the driving job.....trucking co. did not follow through and make sure he

was 'clean'. The trucker who killed my son had no past driving record....that could be found, at least, so he was charged with

only a misdemeanor. My husband has struggled with a lot of anger issues over this.....even over 7 yrs. later. As it turns out,

the driver who killed 3 young men, and injured several other people seems to be relatively untouched by any punishment....he

is out on bail. However.....the case has not been resolved in court yet. So, I think that your feelings of jealousy are entirely

understandable. I wish you peace & comfort, friend.

Quellsmom-----I'm sorry that you are in a dark place now. Please come back to BI......I've found that nowhere else can one

find such understanding and support-----because everyone here knows, firsthand, the sorrow of losing a beloved child.

Sending thoughts & prayers.

Dee------Also, prayers for dear little Carson, that he will recuperate and stabalize from this latest health scare. My husband and & I

was watching the bird feeder out the kitchen window today.........many birds were there. Bluejays, juncos, cardinals, mourning

doves, and other smaller birds. Down swooped a juvenile hawk and grabbed one of the birds. All the others flew away rapidly,

as they must have seen the hawk's shadow, as we did. Not sure what kind of bird the hawk caught. Ahhhh----sad, but that's the

way it is when you observe nature.......sooner or later you will see something that is disturbing,....but it is nature. Glad to hear

that you are up to taking nice short walks. I got up today with a sinus headache......felt like crap all day......better now. Sinus

problems----one of the most common 'curses' for mankind.

Susannah----Forgot to tell you how much I enjoyed your writing about memories when you were a little girl. You do have a great

talent for writing----putting feelings, emotions, and memories into words with humor and compassion.

Trudi----Nice pics. You stay cool, and we'll try to stay warm.......

PEACE & BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Oh Sherry, I do love the juncos, they are everywhere right now. Where are they in the other seasons, just blending in? They are pretty in their charcoal feathers, and swoop into the Rose of Sharon to wait for their turn under the feeder. I know what you mean with the hawk however, it is sad and yet, hooray for the hawk, he has to live too. That cycle of life, and where one sits on the food chain. Husband and I were looking in a plant and bloom catalog and drooling over some of the prettiest plants, wow, makes you want to put your orders in early to secure the plants. Always gives me hope to see the spring blooms. Even though we are in the midst of winter, the days are lengthening and for that I am grateful. A few minutes here sprinkled in with a few minutes next week eventually add up to noticeably more sunlight.

Yes, as far as the justice talk. You hit it perfectly. One man goes to jail for a similar crime that took your Davey adn you wonder...but you know that the circumstances are a bit different allowing reason to rule. But let's face it, reason does not win over our broken hearts adn our anger in the system that let our families down.

[westleysmom]

Trudi-I hope I never misspelt (even that looks wrong, no idea if its right or not) your or Micheal's name. I try to be careful when I type and don't usually use spell check. Spell check always says "Westley" is spelled wrong, what do they know anyway? Good luck in bringing order to the house. Mine is covered in a thin (in some places thick) layer of dust from tearing out the powder room that we're working on. I just have to not let it bother me for a while, and its pretty easy so far. Loved the picture of the beach and Muttley and co.

Dee-My sister's granddaughter has terrible diabetes and she's only 7. They have similar episodes from time to time, so sending good thoughts to Carson and hoping that all will be well with him soon. My birdfeeders are being mostly ignored this year, I wonder if my new cat Bobby has anything to do with that? He seems harmless, but I wonder if just his being around the back porch is keeping them away. Last winter, we couldn't keep them filled with birdfood.

Sherry-I'm sorry that your husband has felt that justice was not served for Davey. I wonder sometimes where Westley got the drug that he took the night that he died. I know he didn't have a prescription for it, and to my knowledge, he'd never had a problem with drugs, although I knew he was drinking pretty heavily. He never drank at my home, he wasn't legal age yet and we just didn't allow it. I know that in all likelihood one of his friends gave it to him, but the thing is, HE took it. I don't think one of his friends made him take it, so I don't feel anything but the smallest amount of hard feelings toward whoever it was. Does that make sense? I think that the only person in this case that I could be mad at or blame is my son, and I can't bring myself to do that. Because it was the kind of thing that while it was reckless, people do all the time with just a hangover the next day. Hell, I probably did worse when I was his age. Sometimes I think that if there was someone to blame, it might help me feel better, but I don't really believe that. I know there's only one thing that would make me feel very much better, and that's not going to happen.

Susannah-I tried to join the chat yesterday, but it wouldn't load on the screen, so I just had to get out. It was slow at work, but somebody called and I ended up not having time to get in anyway. I really have enjoyed the few times I've been able to get in on a chat. Hope you're feeling better.

Quells Mom, Lisa-Thanks for your private message, I tried to respond, but wasn't sure it went through. I appreciate you thinking of me this week and was sorry to see that your son's story was front page news in a painful way.

Crystal-Hope your night out with the girls was fun.

Amy-I'm sorry the letter from the hospital had such disturbing news in it. I don't know anything about medical things, but wish that they would have told you this much sooner, at least. Now you have to fit this into all the "what ifs" that I'm sure you have every day, if you're anything like me anyway. Hugs

Leah-Sorry for the pain caused by all the new info for you too. Thinking of you and hoping you are getting rest and taking care of you.

I went by the cemetery after my neice's basketball game today. Just a lot of tears in the cold. Sometimes that's all I've got. Looking forward to those few extra minutes of light every day that will soon be noticeable. Beautiful moon tonight in a clear cold sky, though. Sweet dreams all of the day we see them again.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I do think that the new cat has something to do with the lack of birds at the feeder...sounds to me like Bobby is a patrol cat, his scent keeps the birds at bay, and our cats, Storm y and Bullet sure did reduce the numbers here. They have been gone for about 5 years now and the yard is thick with birds. I did love old Storm and Bull though. They were with me adn the kids, and then me and John until they were 16 .5 or so. That is pretty good for cats that hang outside for most the day.

Thanks Rhonda for the thoughts for Carson, it is a very hard disease to deal with. Poor kids, praying hard for a cure.

I do know what you mean about a cold day with tears falling. Sometimes that is all that we have, but you noticed the moon, shining so brightly tonight. And so you also have the moon and our love too.

Blessings,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Sending love and light for the night.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[quellsmom]

My son Jaquell died on June 19, 2010. He attended a party where he drank. He died the next morning after being brought to a local medical center in cardiac arrest. He was two days shy of his 19th birthday. Six months later the medical examiner's report said cause of death was "undetermined". There are some ongoing legal issues surrounding the case. If you would like to read more about that you can google "The New Haven Register" and type in Jaquell Jackson.

My son made a stupid choice and paid for his choice with his life. But the thing that keeps me up at night is the never ending thought that he was sick, scared or in pain and help was delayed out of fear of getting in trouble. This is my heart's burden. The what if's .....what if they called 911? What if I hadn't let him go to that party. All of his accomplishments, his good deeds, his warm heart all of that is reduced to the kid that died at the Madison party. Doesn't seem right, but then nothing of this world seems right to me now.

[aim630]

Quell's mom-The what-if's...sometimes that's all I think about. I'm sorry you have to read about Jaquell's death and the issues surrounding it in the paper, making you think about all the things that could have been different, but for some reason weren't. Tell us more about Jaquell's life. Someone posted a link to a song here called "The Dash" which is about how someone's life is more than just the dates they were born & died. The important stuff is in the dash, however long or short or kids' were.I sometimes think people only remember Ashley as the girl who died from swine flu, but her true friends & family remember her sweet and funny personality. Exactly one month today will be the first anniversary for us. As horrible as this past year has been though, i can't even imagine what it would have been like if I couldn't have come here to talk.

Sherry-my mom bred Yorkies up until last summer. My brother has a 2 yr old yorkie & we have a six month old puppy. My brother's yorkie is only about 2 lbs though (full grown), and they have to watch him outside so a hawk doesn't swoop down & take him for dinner. My yorkie is probably going to be a record breaker. We haven't weighed him recently, but he is probably 12 lbs. To see him next to his "older" brother (they both have the same mother & father) is so funny. He is twice as long.

Dee-Hope Carson gets some strength tonight after his scare. That would be a scary disease to deal with, especially with a little one-constant vigilance. Sending prayers his way.

We have 2 outside cats that just turned 14. They used to be inside cats until we had to rip up carpet they had ruined. When they started urinating in our beds, that was the last straw. We let them in when it is really cold, but confine them to the laundry room. We still have quite a few birds at our feeders, also rabbits share the yard. Every now & then though, we'll find a "victim".

Watched Toy Story 3 tonight with Katie, and of course it made me cry. She is still planning on going 3 hrs away for college. I know I have to let her go, but it is going to be so hard. Not looking forward to it at all...

Well-should try to get some sleep...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Jaquell's Mom, I feel so terribly that I mixed your Son's Story with another Story here, please forgive me. I remember feeling when you first arrived here that all of a sudden, there were many new parents with such heart-wrenching stories. I mixed those stories and names up. I know that for a while after ERi died, my biggest worry was- DID SHE FEEL SCARED OR TERRRIFIED < DID SHE SEE THE TRAIN AT THE LAST SECOND. And it was what I carried with me in each heavy step until I felt a sense of her peace that I feel she sent, then I knew that she was fine where she was. I wish you some sense of peace at some point Dear Woman.

Amy, I know Kate going off to college is a scary adn yet proud concern. I think her confidence in going is the lead you can take, she is feeling strong and positive vibes with this upcoming change, and sometimes those are the vibes we forget to follow when we have been so devastated. Hang on.

[Guest msnher]

Quell'smom - I read the articles about Jaquell's death. I'm so sorry. We have another mother here whose son was just dumped in a parking lot by his own cousin and left to die. The stories are so similar except the authorities are choosing to do nothing about that boy's death. We were just discussing justice for one and not the other a couple of days ago. I guess the sad truth is none of it makes sense even when we have the answers. Even when justice is served, our child is still gone. I admire what the New Haven police dept is doing in Jaquell's case. I know it seems your son's name is remembered as the boy who died at that Madison party.....but, in years to come his name is going to be associated with the boy whose death changed the law. "Tell my mom I wasn't afraid" keeps going through my mind. It's little comfort, I know. Please keep coming back to us and if you are able tell us more about the life of of your beautiful son. From the pictures in the gallery I'm guessing he was a wrestler and he also played the guitar? Do you have other children? One of the articles mentioned his sister, Anika (beautiful name) how are they holding up?

Speaking of the gallery, I noticed some pictures of angels we have not been introduced to, yet. For you parents who might be reading and not posting (which is perfectly okay) I just want to offer my sincerest condolences in the loss of your children.

Stephanie has been gone for exactly 17 months today. I cannot allow myself to go back to that day. My mind will begin whirling with all the questions I put to rest. Do any of you do that? Forget that you've found peace and begin rehashing it all over again? The other day when I almost drove to the sheriff's office to demand they allow me to look at Stephanie's file and pictures. No foul play was found at her accident, but "what if"? I had to literally remind myself of all we've discovered and to "let it go". I also have to remind myself of the exact date and time I am in and what is happening around me to pull myself away from the day my daughter died. It's so insane to go back in my mind and begin the panic replay of maybe something was missed and maybe I can change the outcome.

Love for the day

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

Edit

[ericasmom]

Karen, thanks for clearing up the story of Quell and his Mom, Lisa, and Chris and her Son David. Am I nuts that I cannot keep separate the lives of these two young men? I really think some brain cells have been lost as I have such a hard time wtih distinguishing between two people unless I see them often and then, eventually the names and faces become solid. I know I have always had processing problems but when Erica died they became worse, and now age is helping that along as well. Worrisome.

Karen, you are so clear thinking and organized. Almost seem like a good candidate for an archivist. I agree with the laws needing change. Eri was one to push things and one night when she was 16, she drank at a home where a party was in full swing. The parents of the boy she knew were upstairs while my Daughter made the poor decision to drink, power drink through a tube. She fell into a drunken almost coma. Nobody could wake her but the boy whose party it was said that they could not call an ambulance cause then he would get in trouble. So ERi lay there unresponsive. Finally, one of Eri's friends called Jonathan and said she could not wake ERi up, he called an ambulance and when he got to the boy's home, he called me crying because he could not wake his little sis. In the background behind his tears I heard the steady approaching sound of an ambulance coming to get my Daughter. He was yelling at the people there to get the hell out of his way and if they were scared of the police they better get out because the police were there. As ERi was transported to the hospital, she began to throw up, and was kind of awake then when we saw her in the ER. Nothing at all happened to the family and the police never even asked if we were interested in pressing charges. I found out later that the home owners were friends with the police captain. Nothing was going to happen. Up until the call from Kalamazoo the night that Eri was hit by the train, that night was the most scary, hearing the panic in Jonathan and the siren getting louder knowing it was coming for ERI.

Sus, may this day somehow offer you a look at how many difficult steps you have taken in order to be in this day. I know that Stephanie is smiling on your effort and your love.

Prayers for the Congresswoman and all of the other innocent folks in Arizona yesterday. How I wish and pray that guns were much less accessible and that those with mental health problems were more able to be helped.