Loss of an Adult Child

[zachysmom]

I know I come and go lately but that's me. If I sit in one place to long the nightmarish flashbacks start. So if you need me pm me or email me.

Also it has been awhile since I mentioned this but for those who have lost school age children check with the company that does school pictures get a disk if you can. My schools' company lifetouch sent me not only a disk but a ton of pictures of my baby for free. To this day I thank the woman I talked with for doing that.This may help a bit to have such a memory. Do it sooner than later you don't want to run the risk of losing the picture. Also scan and store everything you have of theirs in many different areas. Email them to yourself several times at different addresses, (i.e. yahoo, msn, gmail,etc) use flash drives and external drives as well. Many here can attest to the anger and frustration and sadness when a computer crashes and everything is lost.

Beth

[lolynbo]

Lorri: I love the boxes...elegant looking. I do have a question for you, though...one that has plagued me every time I go to "sort" pictures...if you have one box for each child...what do you do with the pics that have either two or all three of the children in them?

WELL I THOUGHT OF THIS...MAYBE I WILL HAVE A COMBO BOX AS WELL...IDK WHEN IM DOING THIS GOING TO BE SO HARD TO DO...HAVE YAL GONE THROUGH YOUR PICS OF YOUR ANGELS YET?...I HAVE MY "SAFE" PICS...BUT NOT "THE BOX YET"..

[kmb22]

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[Bensmummy]

Hello This is especially for Dee [hope your doing ok sweetie] but Im happy to share what makes me smile and is keeping me going forward. This darling BOY..is my littlest student in my workshops. I had a class of 8 and we made dreadlocks from wool. Dee in the background of the one where this little boy is showing off his dreadlocks you can see my girl Sabby hard at work. The workshop was a roaring success and I know Erica would have loved in and in particular this little boy as he was totally dedicated to getting his dreads made and into his hair....Pink ones will be seen soon.

Change of subject...I keep having this feeling of impending gloom...is it because Bens Birthdate is coming up ??? I think it might be ...I try to plan how I will be ..apparently Im going to be rock solid strong and will get through the day...you see the last time Ben and I had a conversation was actually on his birthday last year and we hadnt spoken for the months just prior to his death...his choice not mine...he also was trying to protect me from the life style he had chosen...one part of it was brilliant, he was a certified mechanic and working on trucks, a paint ball champion for our state and absolutely loved and cared for by many...then we had the flip side this other stuff in his life that he didnt want me to close to him because of...long story. So on the January 13th 2010 I rang him right on the time he was born 26 years before at 5:20pm and said just lets talk for a few minutes ..he agreed and I told him how proud I was of his achievements, how I love and miss him ...mummy stuff...and he told me a few good things he had been doing but neglected to mention he had just got another motor bike...so that was a shock when I heard he was killed on a motor bike...I said no in a car and I was told no on his bike..I actually argued with them and until I saw the actual bike in pieces did I get my head around it. No matter what I always speak to my kids on their birth date...and now this year I will not be able to speak with him. I know he loved me but I had been through alot with his problems and he decided it was better for me to have some space from him...he always spoke to me nicely too. Someone came into the room where he was and he hung up on me...he kept it quiet that he even had a mum with a little bro and sis in town. It was funny at the funeral when I and his little sister got up to talk...I addressed this to the 200 or so that were there and said you dont know me and I dont know alot of you here and lets just keep it that way..for I do not and never want to hear or know of a sector of Bens life that included you but for the ones here that I do know and I know truly love Ben thank you so much for giving him the respect of your honoring him today. I can tell you that that sector of people did not attend the wake as I made it clear that they would not be welcome. The wake turned out to be wonderful and yes even had a party feel to it..for that I am forever grateful. Sooo I just know Im going to ring his mobile number next wednesday and Im going to talk to him anyway..The phone is actually in pieces and some lovely friends collected it up at the accident site and gave it too me....I have the camera memory too..I dont know if I should see if I can get into it..any advice here please or opinions???

as always thank you all for listening /reading. Michelle

[shorty16]

Michelle

My arms are around you so tight right now. We also lost Brian very close to his birthday. He died on 6-19-2008 and Brian would have been 17 on 7-12-2008. July 12, 2008 was the second worst day of my life. We had a party planned on that date to celebrate: Our 20th wedding anniversary (6-25-2008), Aaron's Confirmation (4-2008), Michelle graduated from high school (6-13-2008) and Brian's birthday. Then 6-19-2008 happened and my life was knocked into another galaxy.

The feeling of impending doom is normal. The worst has happened to us and we cannot help but expect it again at any time.

Do what you feel you can do on that day - Shock is probably your best friend right now.

We will make it through this, sometimes one breath at a time.

Your friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Bensmummy]

Thank you for your thoughts Colleen and Im so sorry to read about your loss too...just too terrible... thats another thing..I thought I was out of the shock but I dont think I am...do you know when you are or does that just stay. I think shock is a good thing it allows the body the mind the heart to be cushioned by not having too much information to digest at one hit...yes as the funeral director told me several times during the service....he took my hands and just said quietly ...Breath....I will never forget that..apparently I was holding my breath at times...I hate that day 13th August 2010 Bens funeral date..the most awful thing ever...Michelle

[ericasmom]

Michelle, first let me say that waking today and seeing the dreadlocks has made this a very special day, it feels like a birthday, a celebration of spirit, yours and those children, the beauitiful little boy, Erica's and Sabby. Thanks so much, for sharing this with us, withme, and for the light you bring to others with your art.

Now the sadness you are feeling as you come up to the date of your Boy, the first time that he is not here for this date. I can only tell you that it is a most difficult and abstract twilight zone kind of feeling for many, and for each dealt with in different ways. No wrong way to deal with it as long as you keep yourself safe and healthy. No matter what way you mark this day, it will always be a majestic day as it brought this young man, Ben to your lives.

We had a party the day before her real day, knowing that I wanted her real day to myself, a cake even, and a small group, my Son, Eri adn Jon's Dad, about 8 of of ERi's closest friends and my sisters and my best buds. I had the gathering and a toast to Eri and to all that she was /is, we raised our glasses, my friend noted that her watch changed dates to tomorrow, Laurie's watch changed dates from the 3rd to the 4th without any touching at 8:00 at night as we stood to toast my Girl. That is my girl! she did change time that is for sure, both in life, and with her passing.

I was happy to hear your story of the wake and funeral as you find ways to share this beautiful SOn of yours and your wounded heart.

Peace one day,

dee

[westleysmom]

Michelle-January 13 2010, the day Westley died was the worst day of my life and January 19, which would have been his 21st birthday was a close second. I don't know, possibly the 17th was second worst, the day of his funeral. Its a toss up. Almost all of his friends were not friends I would have chosen for him, but they were true friends to him and attended all of the services. They have called and come to see us and offered to come if we need them and I am glad that I still see most of them. I think on his birthday last year, I was still in shock and this year may be worse. I hope it is not, but I don't know. I'm glad that you were able to talk to Ben last year on his birthday and sorry that you won't be able to this year. I never really thought about the camera on Westley's phone, which is laying in his room on his dresser. I suppose I should charge it and see if I can find anything, but I'm not sure when I'll do that, if ever. It was one of those pay as you go kind, but a nice one. He had just gotten it in October when he totalled his Xterra and got the insurance money to buy the Cadillac that is still in the driveway, which is wrecked on one side. Westley was hell on wheels, and rode dirt bikes when he was younger, but thankfully never had a motorcycle when he got older. Thinking of you as we both approach the 13th with dread, for our different reasons that are really the same.

Colleen-It sounds like 2008 started out to be a really busy, full, happy year, and then it wasn't. The question of why is never far from my mind, as it is your's. Maybe someday we'll understand.

Karen-I guess they did go to the best party, because Westley knew how to do that. He was loud and funny and I miss him so much. I had a dream last night, and he was in it. I was somewhere, at a campfire I think, feeling sad because he was gone. I heard his voice and turned around, and there he was, smiling at me and telling me he was right there, he wasn't gone. And in my dream, I was so happy, even though I knew it was just a dream. I don't see him in my dreams much, but we watched Edge of Darkness last night where Mel Gibson's daughter is murdered, and afterward, he sees her and talks to her from time to time, sometimes as a little girl, sometimes grown up as she was when she was killed.

Crystal-I hope that the surgery goes well and you recover from it quickly. You have been through so much lately, it seems that when it rains, it pours. Thinking of you.

Beth-So good that you were able to get pictures of Zachy. Lifetouch sometimes does the school pics here, too, but sometimes they use somebody else. It sounds like they were very kind to you, which you don't see much anymore.

Lorri-Neat boxes, you been to Hobby Lobby again? Isn't that where you got the flowers for Kourtney's Christmas arrangement, or was it Michael's? Those places are so much fun, but I'm not very creative and don't go there much, it makes me feel inadequate. Like I need help with that. I can't look at the pictures yet, maybe I will be able to soon. I have tons and they were all 35 mm, no digital until the last 8 or 9 years. I loved my Pentax that we got when we were first married and took pics of our cats and dogs and flowers before we had kids. It was hard to let it go, and really took great pictures.

Dee-Take it easy since slow is your only speed and be careful getting outside. You don't want to fall! Just ask Kathy and Leah.

Betty-I hope you're doing okay, if you've posted in the last coupla days, I missed it.

Leah-Same with you. I hope you are all staying warm and that foot is doing better.

In a really weird mood today, with the dream of Westley fresh on my mind. I slept better last night than I have since I got this cold, I hope its going to go away quietly. I keep wanting to close my eyes, and see him again, as I did in the dream last night, smiling and talking to me as if the last year didn't happen. Do you think to them, that time is meaningless, and they don't miss us in the same way that we miss them? That they are "out of time" in the sense of "outside of time" not that time ran out for them? That when we see them again and say "Where you been?" they'll look at us and roll their eyes and say "Right here, Mom!" like we're crazy. I hope so. I hope where they are, they're not sad or cold or lonely or tired. Its better where they are, it has to be. Someday we'll know, but for now we just have to believe and its so hard.

[Guest msnher]

Michelle - The sense of impending doom is normal. I do a lot of self talk to get me through it. Sometimes It works. Sometimes it doesn't. I hope Ben is able to reach through the thin veil (just a puff of energy) to connect with you and comfort you, giving you signs that he is okay, as his birthday approaches. Steph's birthday was the hardest for me. I cooked her favorite foods and we released balloons. 28 pink and purple (the age she was when she died) and one larger white one to make 29. As the balloons drifted away the kids ran after them waving and yelling, "Bye Mommy!" That about finished me.

Karen - We do seem to be kindred spirits. As a family, we are discussing a trip back east this spring. However, I am privately toying with the idea of taking a vacation by myself. I haven't discussed it with Gary, yet, but I know he would approve. Claudia is supposed to be state side this spring, I think. It would be nice to make the rounds and try to visit all my "back east" Indigo friends. Trudi, Michelle are either of you or both of you planning a trip to the states this year?

Beth - As always, it's a blessing to see your little Zachy's face! Thank you for the practical advice about pictures. Very helpful, indeed. That practical advice is needed.

I had weird dreams last night. People I knew kept dying and I was at a store buying little necklass containers to wear their ashes around my neck...I had about four and decided that I couldn't wear anymore on my neck so I was going to engrave all their names on the four and put all their ashes together. The ghost of a friend who died in my dream appeared and smiled and told me they all appreciate what I'm trying to do but it wasn't necessary and what they would rather I do to honor them is quit hiding in fear of pain and start living. At the end of my dream he was walking beside me as I boarded a cruise ship....and all of a sudden I saw all my friends who had died with him, too.

That particular friend is still alive, last I knew.

Lorri - The boxes are very pretty. A good idea. I bought three normal sized photo albums to create memory books for Steph's kids. So far, they still sit in the bottom of my closet.

Blessings everyone!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Rhonda

I think you are right. We suffer much more than they do. They see us, but we cannot "see" them - I do "feel" Brian sometimes.

Time (where our children are) is not the same as time where we are. I think that is why (when I do hear from Brian) the time I hear from him is a milli-second, but the amount of information I get is huge - Does not seem to equal the time spent receiving the information - wierd.

Consider yourself hugged

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

As far as shock, I too thought by certain times I was done with the protective coating called shock. I remember the first layer shedding itself, I was raw, and thought that I was taking steps backward but realized soon enough that it was the shock that had blanketed some aspects of losing Erica that had begun to let loose. I remember getting to school and shaking as I arrived and going straight to the phone and calling my husband and crying and telling him that I was unsure that I could do this. I remember his voice steadying me as he asked me the kind of questions that allowed me to see where I was and how to proceed. From that time there were other times where I woke up and felt awful at different times, and within a few hours or so I would realize, oh, the shock is shedding again. Who knows the average time that shock sticks with us, I am sure that it is different for all of us, but it sheds as we take on more ability to step forward (even if we don't feel able). Once again, it is a process, this process is individualized, it is sequential sometimes, and yet, how can there be a sequence to this awful kind of event? So take it as it comes and allow your sadness when it insists itself with outbursts, honor your heart by letting yourself take time to be alone or weep or whatever...

As far as time where our Kids are, I feel that time makes little difference to them but they probably know the slow tick of our clocks when we are new to grief. I do believe that they are so fine, so warm and a part of a wondrous environment, no lonely, no sadness, no aching hearts.

I think that I still had some shock hanging on for over a year, not that I ever did not know exactly what happened kind of shock, I knew indeed, but that layers of a thin sort fell away later on in that first year that were less jarring, less breath-sucking.

Rhonda, I am thrilled that you had that dream, it was nice to see that young Man again, and the message he left you sounds like a visit tome, that he let you know that he is right there.

Rhonda, so well put, that you adn MIchelle face Jan. 13 with heavy hearts for different and yet the same reasons. Our hearts hold you close, and we are all here for you all the time.

Betty, I think that you are with your Sis, she was maybe going back to the hospital? I hope that she is doing okay, that you are feeling our love. Prayers.

Leah, how is that foot? How is daughter?

Beth, so good to see Zachys little face last night, and how nice of you to pass on what you know of saving photos. Those of you that have a handle on technology amaze me. I jsut don't seem to have a capacity for that info.

Talk more later, until then, I am thinking of you all,

dee

[ericasmom]

Col and Sus, I wrote while you did so just chiming in that I agree Col, milliseconds that fill your whole self, gifts from Heaven.

Sus, wild dream but strong message that is a good one to hone in on.

Lor, I forgot to tel you that I too love the boxes.

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

I have to admit I feel as thou I am being tested... I would like to take a minute and breathe if it's not one thing it's another I feel like I am hurdle jumper. The surgery will be an open C-Section procedure. They have to remove three large uterine fibroids one is 11cm and the other two are around 6/8 cm.

Rhonda- Thanks for sharing your dream and thoughts of our Angels.

Thinking of you all and wishing you the best day you can make it.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I posted without realizing you had posted, too. I think your dream was a message from Westley, letting you know he is with you. They often speak to us in our dreams. I agree with Colleen and Dee, time is not the same to them as it is to us. And, neither is space. The only obstacle for them in getting through to us, is us. That's why our sleep is such an opportune time for them to speak to us....when our minds relax and are open to receive. I think it depends on the circumstances surrounding their deaths if they are happy or sorry they left. I think when the death is sudden there might be a period of convincing on the part of their angels that they can't come back physically. However, I believe death, on their side of it, is a beautiful experience....something we cannot fathom. It's pure hell on our side of it. They are not without compassion for what we go through...in fact, their compassion and love for us is always at work trying to bring us comfort. But, they are not weighed down by our grief. They do not feel the same separation from us that we feel from them. They see us, hear us and are with us. To them it is just a blink of an eye and we will be with them. To us it is eternity.

I still feel so new to this journey of grief...3 days shy of 17 months. I am still shocked when the shock of grief hits, taking my breath away. I haven't been brought to my knees since my dream, but there are times it hits and I think, "She died. My daughter died." I still say her name out loud. There are times it catches my breath mid sentence and I lose my thoughts and just stare off into space as the person I'm talking to watches as I regain my composure. And, there are times I think I've mastered this grief thing and I'm over it and I'm ready to move on and I know where she is and I got to visit heaven and her and I know all is well and I'll live happily ever after. Ya, right! Like that's gonna happen....

Crystal - You certainly have a lot on your plate. You remain in my prayers!!

I may have to surrender and go to the doctor about this sinus/headachey thing. I woke with both nostrils bleeding this morning and a killer headache. I took some ibuprofen and blame the dry air on the bloody nose. I hate going to the doctor, spending the money and then having them tell me there's nothing wrong. I also rarely do what they say so why waste their time and my money? Also, if there is something wrong with me I'm not going to do anything about it...so, why go? This is just a pain in the neck (literally). And, then I think it's just the weight of the load of the last three years finally making itself known physically. There just wasn't time to fall apart until now. Other people needed me. Depended on me. It was life and death, then....now, it's the matter of a clean house and we are all safe.

Tonight we are signing Jonathon up for wrestling. I wanted us to go as a family...just because. But, it looks like Grandpa might get to do the honors with just him and Jonathon.

[kmb22]

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[ericasmom]

weird, i posted earlier and it is not here, it had to do with you Crystal, telling you that I am sorry that you need to go through this. Eleven cm. is big and it needs to be removed, I am just sorry that there isn't an easier way to do so. Prayers sister. Have you been bleeding excessively? Pain?

Sus, I don't think that I will ever feel that I have this grief thing cornered, I am doing well, have had to work hard like so many others, but I still have to work to live in the moemnt, and I suck at that compared to how I used to be. Michelle, the impending sense of doom has at times, taken over my outlook and I sought out therapy at around 6 months point, and stayed for about 2 years. I left therapy with the knowledge that if needed, I could come back. I did go back when I experienced, PTSD. I lost several peer after eRi died, and then another young lady, just a year older than Erica, whose sister is JOnathan's classmate, all of them knowing one another, died. Kathy was in Alask with Teach America and went out on a boat with co-workers on Memorial Day weekend. Their boat was found tipped over. One body found. Kathy and the young Man were not found for 3 months, lodged under the rocks of the lake. I went into deep deep PTSD, flashbacks, panic, sleep issues, worry that toook over, and back to Karen I went. Karen was the therapist I sought out after Eri was born, to deal with sex abuse issues I dealt with as a child. So upon having her I went to therapy, when I was unhappy in my marriage I went back, and then when Eri died, I went to her again. So after PTSD and sometimes it returns, so I may go back. It sure does help by giving some good tools to live by.

see ya all.

[Crystal16]

I tried convincing the doc to vaginally remove the fibroids but he claims to many risks and complications involved.

Dee- It hurts a little and some spotting but overall you wouldn't even know I had them.

[ericasmom]

Crys, have you had a second opinion? NOt trying to instill worry with doc, just want to know if you feel comfy with seeing how another doctor might view your situation.

[ericasmom]

Anyone chatting this eve?

[ericasmom]

sorry Sus, went to the bathroom.

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I too tried to post earlier, but poof, off it went to the unknown...I do know, however, what happened to mine...my fat fingers pressed some mystical "disappear now" key...I wish I could find that key, so's I could paint it with bright flourescent paint so's I won't hit it again!

Anyway, wanted to say that Rhonda, yes, I too agree that your dream was a "visit" from Westley and his message was right on...he IS with you, though I do know how hard it is to keep that thought in mind and truly believe it. I have heard that when the dream is clear and normal (as in nothing totally weird happening, like swimming through feathers or something) then it is likely a "visit." I have also had a strong faith all of my life, but I was never tested this much before...May 18, 2005 and October 14, 2006...dates that shook me to the core (MIke's diagnosis day and the day he died). I now have figuratively etched the word BELIEVE on the inside of one eyelid and FAITH on the inside of the other, so that shen I am whirling again on the edge of that pit, I shut my eyes and say them over and over...sometimes it keeps me from the edge, and sometimes not. Mike has sent us so many incredible signs, and at times when we really needed them, and yet, I sometimes still wonder "is he all right?" I feel pretty much like Sus and Dee in my views of what the other side of the veil is like...they are missing us, but not painfully, and time is an instant to them. A speck. I have an incredible story of FAITH smacking me in the face, but it is supposed to be published in a grief-based publication in late winter/early spring, so I can't really go into it here. I will post the link though, when it comes out. Mitch Carmody, (his son died at the age of 8, of brain cancer and Mitch is prolific in his support of grieving parents, as well as his writings and appearances to grieving parents) heard my story and honored my memories of Mike by asking if he could publish it in this publication. There was another time, though, just a couple of days after Mike died, when I questioned out loud "Is he okay?" I said "that's all I need to know..is he okay?" We were all (Ralph, myself, Mike's sisters, Sarah and his best friend, Denis) standing in my kitchen at the time, discussing that neither of us had a message on our cell phones from Mike that we had saved...and then hubby's and my cell phones rang at the same time, once, and when we went to see why, we discovered that there was a message on hubby's phone from five months before that Ralph had never listened to. It was from Mike, and it was when he came back from visiting his sister, Kim, in VA. The message began with "Heyyyy, be a man, record your own message." (I had recorded his voice mail answer, because he didn't like messing with it...rarely even ever read any messages). Then the next thing he says is "I got back, okay." (he was referring to coming back from VA---his friend Denis had picked him up at the airport). Then he goes on to say we should call him later. But, the main words that bounced out of that (even though it took me over a year to truly get it) were "I got back, okay." Those words resonate in my heart and my brain when I am teetering on the brink, but still, there are times when my heart can jump over sometimes and descend.

Dee: I am so glad that you found a good therapist that you feel comfortable with. Sometims that can be so difficult to do. I too am lucky in that not only do I have a good therapist, but he also knew Mike, and so he understands a lot. When Mike started got his second tumor diagnosed and he knew there wasn't anything else they could do to prolong his life, I stopped seeing my therapist so that Mike could see him. (It wasn't ethical for us both to see him at the same time, unless it was "family" therapy). So, Mike saw him weekly for those last weeks before he was confined to bed, and it seemed to really help. It's good that you feel comfortable with your therapist enough to be able to go back, too. That is really something about the date changing on the watch at Eri's first birthday celebration after her angel date. They do reach in and join us, don't they.

We had Mike's first birthday, which was 10 months after his angel date, at his favorite Chinese restaurant. We had talked about it, but didn't know if we were going to be able to do it...we hadn't been back there since the celebration of his birthday,with him, before he died. I couldn't even drive by it. So, we left it that we would see how we felt about it as the date drew closer. A couple of months before his birthday date came (after he died), his dad was at work, which was just down the street from the restaurant. His boss was going out and asked him if he wanted her to bring him back lunch. She said "I never did anything for you for secretary's day, so I will do something special." She got food from the Chinese restaurant...the one that was Mike's favorite. Ralph choked when he saw it, but thought about it and said it was meant to be. They both sat there eating lunch, discussing Mike and lots of memories. Ralph said it was like Mike was there with them. Sure enough, when he was done, he opened his fortune cookie, and it read "MISS YOU" So, needless to say, we went to the restaurant for his birthday. We had the birthday cake, ice cream, etc. Sarah brought Damon, we brought Mike's two older boys, and Cathi, Jamie and Davis were there with us. The Chinese family that owned and ran the restaurant knew Mike as he always went there, and they took part as well, though hesitantly at first. It was a night of many mixed emotions.

That weekend, Ralph and I and the boys sent off balloons for Mike, out at the hiking trail he had taken the boys to a few times. I think we all have to do what we feel is okay with us...even if that means doing nothing. Even if it means doing the actual day alone, with your angel...like Dee did that first year.

Crystal...so sorry that you are having to go through this. We will be holding you close in thought and prayer. I wish it could have been laporascopically, too, but...that is a pretty big fibroid. I think Dee's suggestion of possibly getting a second opinion is a good one, though...

Sus: Yes, it sounds like a doctor visit is imminent for you, dear lady. As for the wrestling sign ups, perhaps this is a good chance for some bonding between Jonathan and his grandpa...though I sure there have been many times that has happened already.

Re Betty: Yes, she is with her sis, though I don't recall it was for medical reasons. I was doing some pictures for her and had to email her. She wrote back that she was using someone else's computer while away and didn't want to bother them, so that was why she wasn't posting. I am sure we will hear from her on her return.

Beth: we all totally get it about your popping on when you feel you can...knowing that you are reading and understanding that we all hold you close in our thoughts and prayers is just fine...post when you can...love seeing Zachy's sweet little face. How is your daughter doing?

well, hubby is getting impatient, waiting for me to help him finish de-Christmas-ing the house...got the tree down...hooray! Now it's the putting away, etc.

take care all, have good evening.

love and peaceful moments, carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

I'm back, Dee. Just had to love on hubby (from a distance with this cold). Jonathon is excited to get to go alone with Grandpa to sign up for wrestling. I'm going to read Carol's post now. I'm all vicks'd up and medicated - now that Grandpa's home I can afford to take something...I don't take anything when I'm alone with the kids. I can't afford to be drowsy. I'm hoping for la la land, now.

Oh...Dee..I wanted to say that my way of dealing with worries is to expose the hell out of them...get them out in the open and shoot them down. That's where I was headed in chat with you. I hope I wasn't offensive.

As you all know, most of the time I expose them right here in the privacy of the internet. (little giggle)

[Guest msnher]

I don't know how to post links, but if you're in the mood for a laugh....google Sinbad in Montreal on youtube.

[ericasmom]

Sus, when you are on a site that you want to link, highlight the http address adn hit copy, then when you open this up, hit paste. It has to be on a line of its own. Thanks Susanna, I took no offense whatsoever, I agree, but sometimes I revert to my old habits of my childhood, my mind would run me ragged telling me to go back three blocks and pick up a stick and carry it toschool and if I don't My Mom would be dead at lunch time. Oh yes, that old OCD had me running like a crazy one, but nobody knew, I was always the sweet shy girl as a little one, the one who could not read, could not tell time, could not get her suspenders on correctly, such a klutz. Could somebody have stepped in when I was little adn watch the ways my brain worked, like a hamster in a ball, constantly trying to make sure that everyone was going to be okay. If it stormed, I felt I had to stay awake in case the house was struck by lightening and I had to warn the family which is hilarious because once when I was terrified by something, I had no voice at all for at least an hour. I do believe that the tactics my Father used in keeping the abuse secret, was to terrorize by saying simple things like, "Gee Dee, hope your mom doesn' t jump out of the window when she is sad." Like so many evil characters, he knew what to say to keep me crazy quiet, he made me responsible for my Momma. Finally, when Erica was born to us, I let my Momma go, no longer able to take care of the adult who did not take care of me. Don't get me wrong, she and I were close in many ways, we shared a great deal of laughter, but she never found a way to help me read, do math, feel confident, she told me that I ruined her life when she found out about Dad. So one of my biggest steps in my life came due to ERica, I had to protect my Daughter and My Mom would not let go of my dad in order to do that. She chose him. I think taht my weakenss due to surgery adn anestesia have invaded my memories making me purge them, forgive me this story again. It seems significant somehow today. Putting the puzzle pieces of my early years togehter sometimes helps me see why panic finds its way in.

I feel so much better after chatting with Sus, and then Jonathan and Shan came by adn we ended up eating together, all of this helping me to breathe right, fill my mind with good things to speak about rather than the worry stuff. Ahhh, feeling much better.

Carol, Mike is the KING of messages, love the ways he has given you and Ralph and the Boys his loving via the spirit-airways. What a wonderful communicator. I heard that there might be snow for all of you east coast folks tomorrow. But compared to last week, it might look like a dusting.

Be well All,

dee

[daveydow1]

Dee-----I went to the cemetery today to pick up the Xmas trees from Davey & Lisa's graves. It was so very cold, stark (snow), and

lonely. I was so very sad......yikes. About electronics etc....I , too, resist getting something new......so tired of trying to learn new stuff----

I feel like I'm back in school. Everything is so new, and for me, complicated. I will most likely get an MP3 player too......someday .

The dizzying pace of new electronics coming on the market can be very challenging----at least it is to me. I read in the paper not

long ago where SONY WALKMANS were going out of production.....made me feel so sad, because Dave had at least one of them,

and was so excited when he got it. Of course they were pretty new on the scene when he got it, then later replaced it with a portable

CD player. I feel sad thinking about anything that is deemed to be "obsolete" if it is something that Dave had or used. Seems like

the world closing another door, and pushing him further & further in the past.....making him irrelevant. Not to me, of course.....never

that, but ..........oh well.....does this make sense to anyone? I remember you saying about how ERz would be 26 or 27 now....and

how could that be?. I, too, enjoy listening to the radio.....especially at night.

Carol----That was so very gracious of you to go to the funeral of the sweet little daughter of your close co-worker. I'm sure they appreciated

it. At that point of only 1 mo., you probably still was in a state of shock from your loss of dear Mike. Oh......I so know what you mean about

babies sometimes not being the 'cutest' at first. My Becky was a funny looking little thing......no hair......shaved head, due to a scalp

infusion that kept her alive until the bowels could be resectioned, and proving to be functional. 1 tbsp. of formula at a time at first, after

the surgeries. But, as you say.......we love, love, them----and soon enough they become cute as an added bonus.

Lorri------I know that it would be difficult to go through pictures. I must have a ton of them stored under a bed in a box, that I should

get to sometime.......just keep putting it off, I guess. The three black & white boxes you bought to sort them is a good idea. I wish you

luck with it.

Karen-----Thanks for the help about the music. I will give it a try. My duaghter has an iPod, and showed it to me one day. Really nice.

THEN------get this------Becky's mother-in-law got MP3s for the two boys 4 and 6, for Xmas, and an uncle put lots of music on them for the kids. (my grandies).

Wow! They will no doubt be able to give Nanny (me) tips on the MP3s. YIKES....I feel old.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee-----I went to the cemetery today to pick up the Xmas trees from Davey & Lisa's graves. It was so very cold, stark (snow), and

lonely. I was so very sad......yikes. About electronics etc....I , too, resist getting something new......so tired of trying to learn new stuff----

I feel like I'm back in school. Everything is so new, and for me, complicated. I will most likely get an MP3 player too......someday .

The dizzying pace of new electronics coming on the market can be very challenging----at least it is to me. I read in the paper not

long ago where SONY WALKMANS were going out of production.....made me feel so sad, because Dave had at least one of them,

and was so excited when he got it. Of course they were pretty new on the scene when he got it, then later replaced it with a portable

CD player. I feel sad thinking about anything that is deemed to be "obsolete" if it is something that Dave had or used. Seems like

the world closing another door, and pushing him further & further in the past.....making him irrelevant. Not to me, of course.....never

that, but ..........oh well.....does this make sense to anyone? I remember you saying about how ERz would be 26 or 27 now....and

how could that be?. I, too, enjoy listening to the radio.....especially at night.

Carol----That was so very gracious of you to go to the funeral of the sweet little daughter of your close co-worker. I'm sure they appreciated

it. At that point of only 1 mo., you probably still was in a state of shock from your loss of dear Mike. Oh......I so know what you mean about

babies sometimes not being the 'cutest' at first. My Becky was a funny looking little thing......no hair......shaved head, due to a scalp

infusion that kept her alive until the bowels could be resectioned, and proving to be functional. 1 tbsp. of formula at a time at first, after

the surgeries. But, as you say.......we love, love, them----and soon enough they become cute as an added bonus.

Lorri------I know that it would be difficult to go through pictures. I must have a ton of them stored under a bed in a box, that I should

get to sometime.......just keep putting it off, I guess. The three black & white boxes you bought to sort them is a good idea. I wish you

luck with it.

Karen-----Thanks for the help about the music. I will give it a try. My duaghter has an iPod, and showed it to me one day. Really nice.

THEN------get this------Becky's mother-in-law got MP3s for the two boys 4 and 6, for Xmas, and an uncle put lots of music on them for the kids. (my grandies).

Wow! They will no doubt be able to give Nanny (me) tips on the MP3s. YIKES....I feel old.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

OOPS...sorry for the double post. I wish there was a way to delete one of them.

[Guest msnher]

Dee How I feel for the little girl who lives inside you. You are a wise and loving nurturer of her. Perhaps that's why you are such a good writer, she is free to express herself on paper? Or, in this case, the laptop. Were you trapped in that home, the home you should have been loved, protected and validated in, until you were of legal age?

[summergirl]

Hello my friends - 3 pages of postings to catch up on and I thought I was getting closer and now I am even further behind...well, it is ok to take a break.... I have recovered from my fall and my bad day....boy, haven't had one like that in a long time.

I have been doing things in the house, finished putting the tile down in the bathroom - looks so nice. So I am a tired woman and have decided to take a break from it all and try to just hang this weekend....maybe sleep late and watch movies, eat, read, whatever I want, that would be nice...

Just a quick stop in to say hello to all and let you know I may not be posting much but I am here.....love, peace and strength, Kathy

[rlolheiser]

I am sorry, I haven't been on a whole lot, I can't even read lately. I guess my high on life was short lived. There just isn't any rest, and I don't want to be always complaining or airing my problems. There are so many new family members here, and my heart breaks for each of you. Dee, I am glad your ok, I hope you continue to feel better..

Carol, I am glad you have lots of signs from Mike, Trudi, I think of you walking the beach.. wishing I could follow ..

Rhonda, thannk you for worrying about me.. I will be ok, Betty, the foot is better though it would heal faster if I could just stay down a day.

We had another passing in our family, I had to take mom to the funeral.. I hate driving.. The roads terrify me anymore.. the accident site paralizes me.. mom cried the whole trip.. the kids wouldn't be quiet for a moment.. the daughter stayed home and slept.. see.. I just can't say anything good... I went to JaBoa's grave.. just made me cry, she has no stone, but I swear no matter what happens, by Christmas she will have one.. the snow was piled so high, I couldn't even get out of the car.. it was so cold and lonely.. and her sister said to me.. grandma, JaBoa is sad here with the snow on her.. and I got out and tried to find her name plate.. and I couldnt'...

To all of you with your firsts coming up.. the birthdays, the angelversaries..I wish I could hold you close and make your pains go away.. to all of you have been her longer I still wish I could make your pain go away,,, I should be calling all your names along with your angels.. but believe me.. this trip I was calling on all your names.. and our angels..

Goodnight

[ericasmom]

Leah, sometimes there is nothing good to say, but we are always glad to see JaBoa's face knowing that you are there finding ways to live in each day. You have really been through it, driving Mom in the snow to another funeral...a good woman Ms. leah, you are a good woman.

Sus, I kept myself trapped I suppose, I planned a hundred times to run away, but when it came down to it, I was terrified, if bad things happen at home, then what might occurr out there? I did have two friends that I was supposed to run away with one night, Doris and Diane. I loved them but I chickened out. They were picked up while hitchiking that night, by a man that told them how he was going to murder them, Diane was frozen in fear, so Doris reached over and pushed Di out of the van, and she jumped when he picked up speed. ANyhow, he came back adn tried to find them to kill them but they lay in a ditch, Doris put grass and weeds over them. He left, they crawled to a home where an ambulance was called and they both lived. Very beat up, injured, but lived. We learned huge lessons that night. Boy, memory friggin lane going on here. Anyhow, I am going to bed, so tired and ready for some deep sleep and maybe some beautiful dreams.

[aim630]

Wow, I miss one reading this one evening, and I can't get caught up.

Carol-12 lbs...wow...Ashley weighed 7 lb 10 oz, and Katie weighed 8 lb 9 oz, and that extra pound made a lot of difference! 12 lbs is like a 3 month old. Mike was a beautiful baby though in his christening picture. I'm glad you got a sign from him letting you know he was ok. Things like that can't be explained any other way than them trying to communicate with us. I just don't really get any signs from Ashley, other than the one dream.

Rhonda-I do believe Westley was letting you know he was ok. My family may think I am crazy, but I honestly feel like one dream I had about Ashley was a visit,not just my subconscious wishing it so. I also feel I had one visit from my dad about 1 1/2 years after he died. It just feels different than the other dreams. Thinking of you as both Westley's angel date & birthdate approach. I am about 3 wks behind you on the angel date (2-9 for Ashley). I have about 6000 emails on my work computer & sometimes I have to reference old ones. It always hurts to see the ones from the morning of 2-9 and the days before that. I was so happy that morning because she got to have "food" for the first time in 3 months, and then she never got it. All of us experience that "before" & "after", whether it was a diagnosis, or an accident that suddenly took our dreams away. Wish we could go back to "before" and change something. The post office tried to deliver a certified letter today from the hospital Ashley was at. I was not home in time to pick it up, so I'm wondering what it is. They tried to send us a 3 million dollar bill (no joke), but Ashley was legally an adult, had her own health insurance, so we were not responsible for the bill. My husband is worried they are trying to get us to pay again, but it has been almost a year. I'll try to pick it up tomorrow.

Beth-that is a good tip about pictures. Good to see Zachy's face. The man who took Ashley's senior pictures called us & gave us the disc for free. Also, her boyfriend told us to check her camera, and there were several pictures of them together, the only pictures we had, since they had only dated a short while before she got sick. She had just bought herself an iPhone just 2 wks before she got sick. (and I yelled at her about spending that much money on a phone)

Although I kept up the payments while she was sick, so she would be able to have it when she got home, I could not continue paying the bill (about $350 a month-she had signed one of her friends up on her plan, and the friend never paid her). I wish I could still look at her text messages. After 2 months of being in the coma, she finally got enough finger strength the weekend before she died to use her phone. I gave it to her in the hospital and it was interesting (and heartbreaking) to read what she wrote to some of her friends that last weekend (never guessing that would be her last weekend). She still could not talk at all due to the respirator.

Susannah-the shock still hits me too. My daughter, dead???? It's not possible, but yet it is. I hope you feel better soon. So many people around me have been sick, so far I have escaped it all, knock on wood. I know it is tougher when you have little ones depending on you. Moms (and grandmas) just don't get a break. AT least at almost 18, Katie is pretty self-sufficient now.

Sherry-I understand what you mean about technology progressing, and our kids not being here to experience it. Although it's only been 11 months for us, I hated hearing about all the stuff that happened in 2010, because Ashley only lived 1 month in 2010, and was in the hospital since November 2009 and missed a lot of stuff. How could we be experiencing new things & our kids aren't here to see them also.

Supposedly my mom & her boyfriend have settled their problem. He apologized & said he would get her on the deed. We'll see if that happens. They've been dating for 3 yrs now. Every time she tries to push him too hard, he backs off, afraid of "commitment" I guess. Well, he wasn't too afraid of that commitment to accept her money. I don't think he is a "scam" artist, at least not intentionally, I just think he is very selfish. She is an adult, and makes her own decisions. Kind of like having a kid that won't listen to your advice.

Well it is 2:30 AM, and I need to be up at 5:30 for work. Unfortunately, this insomnia is just a part of my life now, as most of you probably know.

Goodnight

Amy/Ashley's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos

Trevor is in jail for disorderly conduct. He pushed a teacher against a locker. Trevor was wearing a hat and was asked repeatedly to take it off. He did not, so the teacher took it off for him.

Trevor spent the night in jail. His criminal hearing is a 1:30 today. They will probably release him on a signature bond.

I am sick. He is suspended for 5 days and we have a pre-expulsion meeting on Monday. One of 3 things can happen at the pre-expulsion hearing: 1. Nothing. 2. Trevor has to agree to follow a plan (Like we have been trying to do that since Aug of 2010). 3. Expulsion is suggested and an expulsion meeting is scheduled.

Here is the deal - When Trevor is in my home, I do not see this angry side of him. He has NEVER talked back, swore, or called me anything but Mrs. Jackson. When I get these calls from school it is like they are telling me about someone I do not know

I am praying for the Lords guidance in dealing with this troubled boy. He will be 18 on Jan. 30, 2011

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Leah-I'm glad to hear from you and sorry that things are not going much better. I'm glad you were able to visit JaBoa's site, but worry about you being out on the roads and in the bad weather with your foot still giving you trouble. Hugs to you.

Dee-I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry for what you suffered and more amazed than ever at the beautiful and loving heart that lives in you. I'm sorry I missed the chat, but it sounds like you and Susannah had a nice one.

Sherry-I so know what you mean about things changing since our kids were gone. At first I tried to remember things I needed to tell Westley that I knew he would have been interested in if he was still here. I know that sounds crazy, but that's what I did. I thought "I have to remember this, Westley would be so excited" It makes me sad too that I can't remember all those things and that really, he doesn't care about any of this anymore. And its all we have, this life without them. After Westley died, my husband wanted to get an MP3 player for our granddaughter (at the time not yet 2) so she could listen to "Move it Move It" from Madagascar, at the time her favorite movie. So he did, although it seemed ridiculous. It made us feel a little better somehow.

Colleen-I'm so sorry that Trevor is still having trouble controlling his impulses and anger. I know this is killing you and I'm so sorry for this added burden. Some of Westley's friends are like Trevor, around us, they are polite and respectful, but then get out in the world and go berserk. I don't understand why they can maintain control in some situations and not in others. And sometimes I think it is the "authority" figures, like teachers and policemen, that bring out this anger and agressive behavior. Good luck with the hearing and everything.

Amy-I hope the letter from the hospital is not bad news. I still have those moments, had one this morning where I'm thinking "My son can't have died, can't be dead almost a year!" Yesterday, my husband was working at a lady's house that he's known for a long time, but we're not church or social friends. He just does work on her house when she needs it. He said she called him out on the porch and started crying. She had just found out that Westley had died. I didn't ask him how the conversation went, I don't know if he cried in front of her or not, you know how guys are. You know how the horror of it comes back to you when someone first finds out because up until that point, your child was alive to them, and now they are not. Its like it happened only just then. And it will be a year next Thursday. I wish we could go back to before and change something, too. I'm just not sure what it would be.

Hope you all are staying warm and having as good a day as you can

[ericasmom]

Amy, I am sorry that you are experiencing insomnia, boy I had a lot of it the first year or two, and lived with insomnia most my life, but hugely different insomnia after Erz died. You really seem to understand where you are however, knowing that this too, is normal for so abnormal a happening. The bills? Yes, ERi's cell phone provider and a few other places tried to get us to pay for her bills, but I told them she was 19 and I did not cosign on anything. Don't pay a thing Amy, and if need be, get some legal advice. I feel badly that I went nuts on your Mom's boyfriend, and I think that I thought that she hadn't known him for long. I do hope he follows through, but that should be something she insists on, her name needs to be on that deed, her money, her home.

Colleen, I know that you are crestfallen today, and I am so sorry. How did you deal with Trevor when you saw him after his being detained? Maybe you haven't seen him yet...Oh I am sorry. Trevor holds himself together while in your home, he just can't pull it off all the time. Is Trevor seeing a counselor or therapist? It is almost as though he cannot get this close to something good happening, it is scary to have good stuff when you are much more used to crap. Oh Col, keep us posted.

GOOD NEWS< Doc just called adn told me that the pathology report from my surgery was CLEAN! HOO-FRIGGIN-RAY.

[Crystal16]

Colleen- I’m Sorry you‘re having to go through this season with Trevor. My son, Ethan also acts out by getting into some type of mischief, or comes across without a burst of anger. He doesn’t know how to control the many emotions he’s going through. His behavior has changed a lot since my divorce from my ex, Dave and even more so since Ashlee’s death.

This morning I woke feeling reckless, angry at God and others…. My ex has decided to deal with his pain by acting like a child and hanging with women half his age and partying almost every night! It disgusts me he looks like a dirty old man and the comments he post on their FB is perverted. I had to un-friend him as it was disturbing to see the pictures he would post, he looks so lost and I’ve tried and his mother has also commented on the inappropriateness of his postings. He says it’s his life he could die tomorrow so why not just live life and do what makes you happy….

My ex boyfriend, Rich, the one I mentioned won’t leave me alone!!! I love him but I truly feel as thou we are not good for each other. Instead of wasting each other’s time. I moved out and said I was going to move forward with my life. However, it’s been hard as I do love him and feel safe with him. It’s not like I didn’t have enough stuff going on…

I’m going out with my girlfriends tonight in hopes of laughter, fellowship and shoulders to cry on. I pray God gives me the strength I need I feel my spirit is depleting and quite restless!!

Love to all and I pray you have a good day`

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's;

I haven't read all the posts yet but I have to respond to Dee and Colleen while it's fresh on my mind.

Dee - Don't you dare take any responsibility for keeping yourself trapped! You were a child. And, it sounds like the night you claim to not have the courage to run away with your friends was actually your intuition protecting you from perhaps a worse fate. You had NO part in what the man you called Dad and the woman you called Mom did to you. NO part! Yes, your memories are kicking in and that must mean there is something Little Dee/Diane needs. Well, you just tell that beautiful little girl that Aunt Annie (me) said it's all going to be okay. She is safe inside one of the most beautiful human beings I am privledged to call friend. You tell her this might be a scary time with the health issues, but she does not have to walk through it alone. You tell her she does not have to prove herself and that the angels of light are surrounding her/you and Aunt Annie has some very powerful, wonderful friends that will watch over her/you. You also tell her she is safe to talk about it all right here. You are safe, my dear friend. I can understand the trip down memory lane. You are facing something you are not in control over...much like your childhood....but, this is not the same. It just arouses feelings that feel the same. I'm very angry with the people who were your parents!!! VERY angry. Don't you fret about my anger. I'm good with it. Shoot! I just realized who I'm telling I'm angry to. Don't you try to fix it...my anger....There's a lot of kick ass mothers on this site. We will form a wall of protection around your beautiful heart....where's Lorri?

Colleen - I'm on Trevor's side this time. He might have been wrong to push the teacher, but I have a feeling the teacher wasn't asking him to remove his hat politely and he had no business trying to remove it for him. None. He should never have laid a hand on Trevor. With Trevor's background of course he is going to come out fighting if someone tries to touch him. I've certainly been there. The reason you see a different side to him is because you treat him differently. You treat him with respect and he returns it. There is certainly more to this story than Trevor pushing a poor teacher against a locker. I'm not justifying or excusing his behavior, but there's more to this story.

Okay. The kids are at the Boys and Girls club for the day. They have a field trip scheduled to the art museum. There are lots of activities for children there (at the museaum). I am going to drug myself and vicks myself and go to bed. Gary will pick the kids up when he gets off work. The club is just around the corner from him.

I'll have my laptop in hand until the drugs kick in...

Susannah (aka Annie) /Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

CONGRATS Dee... glad to hear the good news!

BTW, I did get a second opinion actually three all they all concur those uterine fibroids needs to be removed Via C-section "sigh."

[ericasmom]

Crystal, how old is Ethan? I am sorry that your Ex husband is acting out as he is, that has to be very hard on Ethan as well. I wish men were not so resistant to sseeking help to talk through their grief. You sure have had a zillion different things going on in your life, I hope that tonight offers exactly what you said, laughter, fellowship and shoulders to lean on. You must be a very strong woman. It is very hard to love someone and still move on without them, your knowing that you needed to leave was huge. Do you see you and ex boyfriend ever getting back together? I know he does, but do you?

Betty, thinking of you today, hoping Sis is getting what she needs and that you know that we surround you as you stand by being the support to her.

Leah, how are you doing today?

Kath, I did not respond to you last night. I think though, TGIF is an important thing for you today. You need to get in your comfy clothes after work, order out, eat popcorn while you watch a movie, color with Tav. RELAX! Put away any plans to work, your body adn mind need to just hang-out.

[Crystal16]

Susannah (aka Annie)- I agree, I one that comes out fighting and protecting so I will be part of that wall that protects anyone on here whos heart is hurting or going down memory lane. We all have a story to tell....

Love to all.

[ericasmom]

Crystal, I am glad though, that you know that there is no better way to do this than with the c-section removal. I had two c-sections, the recovery happens faster than you might think. How long did they say you would stay out of work?

Sus, thanks. It is as you said, the trip down memory lane had everything to do wtih feeling out of control, just as it did when I was young. Oh I have definitely resolved the guilt stuff that surrounds abuse, knowing that I did not cause it and I did not choose it. I stayed in my parents home until I married at 21, learned by a younger age how to avoid my dad, but that is never enough really, he still said and tried things that make my stomach roil. He of course is still alive, just 5 miles away. Devils simply do not die. He has had his heart nearly explode in the surgeons hands, cancers several times, more heart stuff, he is in his late 80's, but still is kicking around. He was amazed that we did not let him attend ERi's funeral or wake. At my Mom's funeral, one year before Eri died, He tried to make Jonathan uncomfortable by trying to talk to him and tell him that he was his Grandad. Jon kept avoiding him and Father went to the table where JOn and Eri and all the cousins were after the funeral at the luncheon, and he said, Hey, I am your grandfather too, you need to look at me, and Jon said, "you are not my grandfather, and I will never look at you." Hooray for my Kid.

I hope that you feel much better by day's end Sus, several friends of mine have sinus infections.

[ericasmom]

Oh Rhonda, next Thursday is a hard one Sweetie. The days leading up to it are very difficult I know. We are all around you, but we also know that our presence cannot stave off the inevitable, reaching that one year mark. It must have been hard on your Husband to have the woman react as she did, but how nice that the woman did acknowledge Westley's dying. Sometimes, it is in moments like that that allow the grief to come forth and be allowed. I hope so for your Husband.

Thanks for your words about my rant last eve. I was just a kid like so many, who lived with a monster dad and a mom who looked the other way in order to keep things palatable. So many kids are in similar or worse situations. No kid should be afraid on a daily basis, but many are. It is my job as a teacher adn survivor of sex abuse, to let kids know that they need to reach out if they are being hurt by anyone, even a loved one.

[ericasmom]

Thinking of you Michelle, as you find yourself walking toward the first birthday without Ben. Prayers.

[Guest msnher]

Woot - Woot for the good results, Dee, and woot woot for your son!!

My cold was getting better but I think I made it worse the other day when I was out in the cold wind. I had my hat on but that cold air blasted my face and my right ear. My face was so cold it hurt by the time I got inside. I love Wyoming but I hate being cold!

Hubby wants us to take the kids on a Disney cruise this summer. Exposing my fears........irrational.....I'm afraid of taking them on a cruise. What if the ship sinks and I can't save them? What if they get stolen at one of the ports? It's out of my comfort zone......a cruise while our country is at war.....okay...there are my fears. Shoot 'em down, my friends!

[Guest msnher]

Want to chat with a heavily medicated crazy woman?

[ericasmom]

Well, as you told me last evening Sus, when we don't have control, and lived a life as a child as you did, I did, it is very hard to put yourself out there. I remember telling someone well before ERi died, that we reallly don't have control anyway, we just like to think we do. I am similar in that being in a arge venue, it feels less controllable.

[Guest msnher]

"I just don't understand a father not protecting his children." Those were Gary's words when we found out what had happened to our grandchildren. My father was the epitome of evil so I certainly understood some fathers are bad. But, not Gary. I was worried for a while because he loaded his gun (which he has a permit to carry) and began stalking Kevin and Tina. Thank God he never did anything other than watch what they were doing.

[Guest msnher]

I am more like Trevor. When I feel threatened I fight. I grab the biggest bat and come out swinging. I have had to learn new skills. My moto was never let them see your fear. I didn't know I didn't have to be afraid anymore. But, when fear hits I still will revert back to that anger and fighting mode. Anger made me feel somewhat in control. I didn't become willing to put down my weapons until my 40's.

[Guest msnher]

I didn't let anyone get close to me. "It's hard to hug a porcupine." A boyfriend once told me. He said I was cute like a porcupine but if anyone tries to get too close I stab them with my quills. It's so weird because right after Stephanie died I was at my softest. I was so raw with pain I was the one hugging others...trying to heal their pain.

[Crystal16]

I am scheduled to be in the hospital for two days and anticipate taking an additional two days to recoup.

When I was younger my mother hated being tied down let alone having to raise four daughters. She would allow young boys from the neighborhood to fondle her and her daughters which left all of us feeling very insecure with ourselves physically and emotionally. My dad abandoned us when I was five so I always had abandonment issues on top of feelings of insecurity. And when I was 14 my mother decided to kick me out so I learned to fend for myself and fight for anything I needed or wanted…. So to answer your comment Dee I am very strong, sometimes to strong~

Like I commented previously, everyone has a story.. and I wanted you all to get to know me a littleJ.