Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Leah - So true...I believe we were meant to find each other if only so that we might not travel this road alone. Thank you.

Carrie - 'The Dash' was read at Mikes funeral. At the time I thought it was more suited for someone 'older', but on reflection it applies to us all. Promised myself that Jan 1, 2011 would be tear free, not going to happen. Beautiful scenery, the kind of thing that makes me think of Mike now, part of the grander world.

Colleen - Such a heartfelt gift from one of your 'timemarkers'. I can imagine your tears at the sight of such a wonderful gift. Hugs my Wisconsin friend.

The day here is grey and cool after a night of heat. Sleep hit around 11pm, the fireworks and whoooping came in around 12. By one minute past I had a puppy trying to dig a hole under the floor boards to hide.

Just after midnight Mal rang to wish us a 'Happy New Year'. He was working and up till then the night had been quite. My baby brother and I have always maintained the tradition our folks started, he rings at midnight to wish me a Happy New Year and tell me he loves me....slurred but the love is there. He gets it.

Well, I might try to snooze a little more...not much sleep last night. Better shake the beach out of my bed. Muttley's coat was full of sand when he tried to dig through my mattress around 2.

This 2011 I hope you find a peaceful place where the memories of your babies can flow as do the tears. May you find the ache easing to allow you that one deep breath that has been eluding you. May there be someone in your life that gets it.

Our children are more than the 'dash' between dates. They are loved, remembered and missed..

Peace out - Trudi

Was looking for a picture. The link was from a site called Seven Days of Sunset. A blog from someone suffering from depression. Can't say this isn't a sign, but this was a quote from the blog

Day by day, step by step, I become a little more unbroken. And though sometimes I fall…I’m forever falling forward.

http://fallforward.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/sunset.jpg

[Guest msnher]

"This year won't just end cold, or even bitterly cold.....but, it will be awful, awful cold." The Casper Star Tribune (our only newspaper)

[daveydow1]

Hello Indigos.......Last day of 2010 !! Tonight, I am having the grandies for an overnighter, so this will have to be a bit

brief.

Carol-----thanks for your words about my charm bracelet. Yes....I had 5 children, and now have only 3. the silver baby shoes on

the bracelet are somewhat different.....that is, ....the oldest two are alike, but different from the last 3 pr. I will tuck the little pink

baby shoes in next to Lisa's silver shoe. The watch Cathi gave you for Christmas is very pretty, and has so much meaning in

each charm, and the Boston Red Sox heart-shaped face. My oldest son....also calls me "Mum".....don't know why.----none of

the other kids do......just his way.

Rhonda, and Betty-----I will try to take a pic of the bracelet and "try" to post it. You all know how 'adept' I am at posting pics.....( not very )

Amy----Sorry to hear of your family friend's death. Yes, I can see how his wife feels that now he is at peace. Alzhiemers disease is such

a terrible affliction. It not only robs the person who has it , but also their family and loved ones too. May he find peace and joy in heaven

with Ashley and your dad.

Karen----Thank you so much for your kind words. I, like many others here, feel that BI has been a real lifeline in our journey of grief. The

beauty of it all is that we help each other all along the way.......no matter how long or short one has been on this road. Peace , friend.

Dee-----Yes, it warmed up here too, and all the snow is melted. Nice to see the ground again after such a long stretch of snow-covered

landscape.

Leah-----Sending prayers for your daughter, that she can find peace in her life. Good that you are having more conversations with your

husband about sweet JaBoa. Prayers for all.

Betsy------Hoping to get a pic of the charm bracelet, and successfully post it.....(that will be the challenge ... (thanks for your kind words).

Lorri---Know what you mean about a New Year on the horizon........

WISHING EACH AND EVERYONE HERE IN THE BI FAMILY A KINDER 2011.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[briansdad]

F3 tornados in our area. What a mess.

http://www.fox2now.com/news/ktvi-storm-damage-new-years-eve-123110-story,0,5850150.story

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Thanks Dan, lovely of you to post, and I do think that they have merged into a group, along with others they have met along the way.

Greg, I sure hope that you are okay, just saw the news and thought of you, Lorrie too, are you okay?

Be well and safe EVERYONE.

[kmb22]

Edit
 

[lolynbo]

CAN'T STOP TIME

can't stop time

can't stop time

can't stop wrinkles

can't stop lines

can't stop aging

can't stop fading

can't stop changing

I'm not seven

I'm not nine

don't want sandboxes

don't want sand castles

don't want teen romance

can't stop time

can't stop time

can't stop time

can't stop wrinkles

can't stop lines

can't stop

just can't stop

like the dancer with the red shoes

she couldn't stop

I can't stop

and can't stop time

I'm not the same

feelings change

don't long for romance

so much has changed

just can't stop time

can't stop change

nothing the same

except change

who was that child?

who was that me?

who was that dreamer?

she isn't me

can't stop time

can't even pause

where are those feelings?

so much has gone

I'm not that child

not that young woman

aching longing

not forty fifty

change and more change

can't stop time

can't stop change

I'd never have dreamed

how much has changed

who is this me?

how can this be?

as far from that child

as from sun to the moon

who is this me?

how can it be?

who was that child?

so much desire

still desire

but not the same

so much has changed

no stopping time

no stopping time

time passes by

so much change

nothing the same

I'm not the same

can't stop wrinkles

can't stop age

can't stop somthing else

something else ...

something deeper ...

something has changed

some things fade

can't stop what's in me

changing changing changed

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

going four doors down to a neighbor's NYE party, we go each year after dinner with Uncle B. Uncle B. came here this year, very low key, usually he takes us all out, all of My husband's siblings and spouses, but he is mourning Serina and he knows that we get it, so he comes here and is comfy. It is good. JOhn's Mom is in a rehab facility because she has no strength to go back to living on her own.

I will report back tonight but if it is after 12:00, know that my hope for each of you, us, is for some goodness to come to each, that we receive happy signs from our ANgels, and that we are directed to live well.

[Guest msnher]

Thinking of you.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Enter 2011.

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rains fall soft upon your fields and,

Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.Greg,Lorri,others..hope all is well weather wise and that you are safe.

Thank you Dan.

[Guest msnher]

Seen on a sign, "My opinions change with new information."

[ericasmom]

Back in and getting ready for sleep. John and I went to the party four doors down but were home before Chicago New Years, celebrated NYC though,(Betty were you out?) with champagne. Back home we sat for a minute and he went to bed, I went to my office to write my hopes and dreams on one sheet, my bad habits or things that are negative on another, went to the yard and stood in Eri's last footprints, and burned them both, casting to the wind, all that is hoped and all that I need to let go of. I spoke to ERi and her Dad and to God and to all of our Angels, asking them to help us live a good strong life, one to be happy in and one that makes them proud.

Back inside, the weather beginning to cool down again, by morning it should be COLD, but walked to neighbors in shirt sleeves, it was 54 degrees. How odd.

I am going to bed but as I do I am thanking God for each of you in this world and for the Children that are in your hearts.May peace infiltrate the space between your breaths.

love in 2011 and beyond,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's,

Sending love and light your way.

Thank you for the blessing, Betsy.

Dee, I love the idea of writing, burning and tossing to the wind. A prayer in and of itself.

The passage of time is my friend. There is no way to turn back the clock and be with my child again. I must now be patient as it ticks forward knowing I will one day be with her. Hoping to make the best of the time that is now. Hoping I don't hurt anyone along the way. Perhaps speak a little softer, smile a little longer, hug a little tighter. Live in integrity and faith.....choosing strength and honor without judgement or hypocrisy. Whether it be 20 years or 20 minutes, for me it is a lifetime....for her she was never gone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I prayed that my first posting of 2011 and all my posts going forward reflect some small appreciation for the love and friendship I have experienced here.

Dee I too like to take time to reflect on the past year, resolve to discard attitudes that I find are destructive and harmful to me and most importantly to "Remember the Good Times."

I went to see True Grit, then a great dinner at a local Steak House and then a house party for a few hours It was a nice New Years Eve better than most Came home by 1 AM and then did my alone reflections. The movie was excellent

Betsy thanks for the prayer, Lorrie lovely poem, Sus I agree letting go of the destructive attitudes is key, ]Leah so glad you and your husband could talk, Dan loved the card.

Sherry I hope the visits with the Grandies was fun and Trudie, MD the sand and digging at 2 AM made me smile,

Carol I know that Damon will have visited you with some of his wisdom and angel spirit. I do believe he reminds me very much of young Stephen and that is one of the reasons that I love to hear his stories and attitude.

Rhonda, Karen Sonya, Kathy,Crystal, Amy, Chris and all Indigos have a Blessed Day and New Year.

You are in my thoughts.

[westleysmom]

ANDREW ANDREW ANDREW Thinking of you and your family on this first anniversary of the last time they ever heard your sweet voice. You are loved and missed and never far from your Mom's thoughts. One day we'll be with you and understand, but for now, we must just look forward to that day with hope.

Blessed New Year to you Indigo Friends. I talked to Susan last night, and she was holding up pretty well. I told her that I had shared Andrew with you and that you would remember him, even though you never knew him. She was glad and thanked you for your prayers and thoughts sent her way. You are the best friends a bereaved Mom could have. I hope all your bad weather's over Greg. And thanks Dan for the idea that the kids were all at a New Year's blowout last night together. We were in bed early, both coming down with a cold. I hope its not the one that lasts forever. Talk to you all later.

[Guest msnher]

ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW,

Now one of our angels, too! Bless your family on this difficult day!

[hotrod]

ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW

SAYING YOUR NAME

AND

REMEMBERING YOUR BEAUTIFUL SPIRIT.

[ericasmom]

ANDREW DEAR,

Let Your Momma and Dad and Family and Friends feel you today, this day that brings the ache and shock to its 365th day, and hold them as they look forward knowing thatto them, that mountainous road seems insurmountable, hold them and show them the footprints, heartprints laid in the road for them to follow. (And then, remind all of those angels with dates coming at their families, to do the same please).

Rhonda, we hold your friend Susan and her Family close. Maybe one day she will join us here, but either way, we are rooting for her.

I sure hope that the cold you are feeling is not the long one too. The house party we went to often has about 25 or so folks, some were traveling but some did not come due to fever/cold. COuld be the flu and I am hoping the flu shot I had will protect me from the big flu. That cold was quite enough. Sleep, drink warm things with honey for your throats, and remember the cider vinegar in warm water helps cut down mucus.

Betty, so glad that you had a nice evening, I heard that True Grit was good, I remember the first one with John Wayne. May we find each day a new opportunity to do good things.

Sus, it feels like a prayer indeed to burn the worries and burn the hopes, letting them go, seeking a place where I can let them go.

I wrote in a new journal this morning my dedication to the words that will be put down: that each day is blessed by its newness, the dawn bringing new light, not old or used but NEW, and I ask myeself to please remember that in its newness I try to find something new in it, something good to mark the day. I get bogged down with anxiety, so I am hoping to find ways to LET THEM GO.

I am having surgery on Tuesday, outpatient, for a hernia I somehow acquired. Anyhow, I am working on that anxiety thing...

[ericasmom]

Lorri, must have written while you posted last eve, I did not see your poem until just now checking to see it as folks mentioned it this morning. Very cool, and so very true, we have changed, and we can't stop change. That is where my anxieties form. Blessings to you as you start this new year.

[Bensmummy]

Hello all....I entered the Elite club as my friend who lost a daughter calls it ..on July 30th 2010..the club where a mother loses a child. Dam Difficult too and I dont like the fact I didnt get a choice in the signing up into this club. It was forced on me when my son Ben drove his motorcycle into the back of another vehicle at over 200klms an hour...yep if I sound a little angry at him I am...it wasnt deliberate, this son of mine loved to go fast but he just out rode himself this day. When I saw him after the accident he got a good telling off....my friend who was with me couldn't believe it. I walked straight up to him and said "Well Ben you really gone and done it this time"...oh how I miss telling him off! I loved that boy but I knew years ago that out of my children this was the one I wouldn't have for long. He was 26 years and that surprised me I had him that long. Its really raw right now and I hate this feeling which I describe as my heart continuously weeping...not my eyes just inside unseen. I hate this other feeling that I got alot at first and not as much now ..but you know when you go over a bump in the road..or you get a fright and your guts just drops..that one...I can be sitting still not even thinking on Ben ..just working on some art or my work and it happens...takes my breath away. I had a plan..I looked up all the grief things I was going to experience after the loss of a child..and I thought right Im going to get over this and through this as I have 4 other children to take care of...so I pushed it ..like I was on a mission..I was going to combat grief..cant combat death that was out of my control but I sure as hell wasnt letting it get in my way...the best laid plans went wrong and it made it worse. So I shut the doors and locked the gates and said...Im in mourning and I want to just absorb what just happened to my son. I didnt till then realize how traumatized I was...the shock was good it kept me at arms length then I felt that wearing off and oh boy here comes another whole world of pain...different more raw. Where am I going with this besides just venting....I want to know am I normal ??? A person said to me that she see's me as someone who is hanging by a thread and she said Im waiting for you to just snap...the thing with me that I tend to get to the last thin thread then I start to rebuild on it and strengthen it again..Im working on it for the sake of my other kids.

So I invite comment am I normal and if not what next...been to the doctor...been to councellor..been and continue to speak with my creator in whom I do trust and with whom I know in my heart Ben is been safely taken care of until the resurrection...dont make this any easier does it and I know one thing I learnt I wil never tell a mum or someone grieving a loved one ..that it ok they are safe and god has them....I found it just made me cranky. I decided that we dont have a grief gene in our body..its not natural and we dont have any real mechanism to cope with it either...Its not from God he never wanted us to experience death and did not create us with this in our DNA...All my own opinions and ones that go through my head daily besides the name of my son..repeating itself over and over Ben Ben Ben...even when you sleep ..work..talk to others...part of your brain is doing a whole other thing. Interesting but so annoying...and no I dont hear voices..LoL my heart to you all I can say I now know what this pain is all about and its a shocker alright! Michelle

[lolynbo]

MICHELLE...IM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR SON, SOUNDS LIKE YOUR FEARS WERE ALWAYS RIGHT ON THE EDGE....AND IM SO SORRY HE DROVE TOO FAST...IM HUGGN YOU IDK WHAT ELSE TO SAY EXCEPT WE DO ALL UNDERSTAND...I LOST MY DAUGHTER TO ANOTHER FAST SPEED....BRAIN TUMOR A FAST GROWING ONE...FROM THE DAY WE FOUND IT NOV 4, 2007 TO THE DAY IT "BURST"...NOV 15 2007, TIL SHE DIED (UNCONSIOUS/TYPE STATE ) FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS......HER NAME IS KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL...21 22 WHEN SHE DIED...JUST HAD GOT MARRIED TOO..

IM GLAD YOU FOUND THIS WEBPAGE IT DOES HELP US TRY TO HEAL...

[Guest msnher]

Hello Michelle. I offer you the saddest of welcomes to Beyond Indigo. I am so sorry for the loss of you son, Ben! First, you are normal. I could have written your post. Well, I DID write almost those same words. In my arrogance and ignorance I thought I could skip right through grief. Hadn't I done so with so many other losses in my life? What I discovered is grief is a power unto itself. It demands our respect, much the same as a tsumani does. It will get easier. You will feel the sun shine again. You will hear yourself laugh again....from your heart. The pain attacks will get further and further apart. They will still hit, and it will surprise the breath out of you each time, but it will get better.

You have come to the right place. There are no rules here. No judgment. Please tell us more about your Ben. Tell us all that you want to about anything. Just talk or write as you feel lead to.

My daughter, Stephanie, died on August 9, 2009 from injuries sustained in an ATV accident. She was 28 and left behind 3 young children whom my husband and I are raising. I was very angry with her (for a lot of reasons I won't go into right now). Like you, as painful as this all has been, it was also interesting. "So, this is what mourning feels like."

I will never be the same as I was the day before my daughter's death. In many ways, now, I am much stronger. I have found peace and joy again. Stephanie is the background noise of my life, now. But, it isn't painful right now.

Again, I am so sorry for the reason you have to be here, but I am glad you have found us.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

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[kmb22]

Andrew...Andrew..Andrew

Precious Andrew Remembering you today, and each day. Praying that you hold your Mom close and let her know your still with her each moment.

[mikesmomrs]

ANDREW...ANDREW...ANDREW...saying your name, always remembering your presence on this earth, til we all meet again. Please wrap your mom in an embrace of sweet memories to help carry her through this day, and all the days to follow, until she is with you again. Susan: holding you close in thought and prayers.

peace and love, carol mikesmomrs

[kmb22]

Just wanted to throw this out here. A couple of us are in chat if anyone would like to join.

[mikesmomrs]

Michelle: I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, Ben...we here all understand, and this is the best place in the world to come to help relieve some of that grief...no judgement, just comfort, understanding, reaching out to you. I know that "catch" you speak of...I have related it to a "kick in the stomach with a steel toed boot." That feeling can still come...less often, but still there. It's true, this loss is the background noise in our lives, and is always there. And yes, oh yes, you are so very "normal." If there even is such a thing on this new journey. Please tell us about Ben, share his stories with us...we will always listen and we will always understand.

I too had that "he will be gone before I will" feeling about Mike...from the time he was five years old...I can't say exactly how, but I knew, I just knew. We were lucky to have had him for 31 years, but it was such a huge loss, as Mike was a "huge" personality...taking over whatever space he was occupying at the time like some energy force that demanded your complete attention...sending new ideas, new adventure, just the wonderful spirit of life, to all those around him. He was diagnosed with brain cancer on May 18, 2005, was given 2-4 years, and died 17 months later. He left behind three youngs boys, and a new wife. His boys are now 14, 13 and 6. They are blessings that keep us going.

Again, please return and share your Ben with us...his life is important, as others have said here, so much more important than that one day when he left this earth.

peace and love to you, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Boy, that was nice to chat with Sus, Karen, Rhonda, and Michelle. IF anyone is looking to chat, go on in the room, it is great.

See ya.

[kmb22]

I agree Dee we definitely have to try to do that more often if we can. I know it's difficult because there are many in different time zones but it is very nice to talk live. Thank you all for helping me get through the day a little easier. And Susannah, thank you especially for all your help

[ericasmom]

And thank you Karen, I hope you know how dear you are to us. Oh how I know the ache of this time...like being cut fresh each day. I am so sorry.

dee

[Guest msnher]

Yes, it was nice to be able to talk in real time. 3am for Michelle! another friend from the land down under! We even shared a laugh or two.

Unfortunately, I'm operating of very little sleep and have ceased to format any coherent thought. I just put a chicken on to boil to make homemade chicken and noodles. I used to make my noodles by scratch, but then discovered "Mother's frozen egg noodles". My family didn't even notice the difference the first time I used them. Hurt my feelings deeply. (wink) At this point, I'm so "out of it" we may order out and save my dinner for tomorrow.

Blessings to all you wonderful people!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

ANDREW...ANDREW......ANDREW.......AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

Michelle....Ben's Mom........I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Ben. BI is always here, and you are welcome

to read/post as you are able. Everyone here knows and understands the pain that you are feeling. I have been

on BI for over 7 yrs......along with Dee. I have found this site to be a lifeline. Nowhere else can I find understanding

like I have found here. Please come back to BI. Peace & comfort.

Betty-----Oh----the grandies.....so sweet, but YIKES......the energy they have, and the LACK of energy I end up with

after several hours. We made crafts out of construction paper etc. Trenton, the 4 yr. old made a "wallet" by having

me staple the ends & sides of the orange construction paper........leaving an opening for 'money'......which we cut

out of other paper......lots of 'dollars' and 'cents'. The 5 yr. old, Canyon, made a mask, and other things. So cute

how kids that age are easy to entertain. We stayed up til 11 p,m. NYE watching "Back to the Future" movies. They

loved them, (and so did I). They fell fast asleep before the end of "Three Bears" story I was telling them.

Dan-----Thanks for the nice New Years graphic. It is lovely....as all your graphics are.

Dee-----Hope you had a nice time at the neighbors' last night. We had the traditional pork & sauerkraut dinner today.

I invited my daughter & kids to stay to eat, but she said they had that food last night, and she was anxious to get the

kids back home, and let her husband take over while she took a nice little snooze.

Best wishes to ALL Indigos for a KINDER, GENTLER New Year.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[briansdad]

.

[rlolheiser]

Andrew.. thinking of you and your family.. hope they feel you next to them at this hard time.. may the stars twinkle telling all that your around..

[rlolheiser]

Michelle, mother of Ben forever. I am sorry you have to be in the club you speak of. But I hope you come here often to post and read, the people here have helped many including me get through this life that is changed forever. I have been here for just over a year, I lost my grandaughter 4 years ago, we have a very close bond.. and I was totaly lost. I still have my ups and downs, but finding BI was wonderful for me. I had nobody to talk to or to listen to me.. nobody that wanted to care about what weighed my heart down, but being here has helped me.. these wonderful people care.. and they let you say whatever you need to say.. and still are there for you.

It is kind of a quiet day today, I have spent it with my husband, son, mom, and grands... my husband has really opened up so much, we haven't talked so much since we were first married, he even stayed home today.. really nice... so.. I will try to catch up tomorrow.. I just wanted you all to know I am thinking of our angels.. went through the computer and named all I could find... and their family... thank you for being you!

[summergirl]

ANDREW, ANDREW, ANDREW - SAYING YOUR NAME OUTLOUD - FLY HIGH AMONG THE STARS AND SHINE BRIGHT UPON YOUR MOM....

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - I was angry last time I was here because I lost my BIG post and I am sorry for being so grouchy...

Michelle - I welcome you to BI but so sad you are here....the loss of your son Ben. My name is Kathy and I lost my daughter Jessica at the age of 26 on Feb 18, 2006 so I am coming upon the 5th angelversary. Yes, you are normal, as normal as any of us will ever be after the loss we have suffered. That thin thread you speak of is sometimes the only thing I have to cling to and at times I am sure it will break and I will be lost forever but somehow I find a way to strengthen it. I never had a feeling that I would lose my daughter but some here speak of how they did. I hope that you come here and post as much as you like, would love to hear more about your Ben and you and your family. Prayers

I am hoping that it will be a good new year for all of us....that we can find strength each day, sunshine and smiles, that our pain is softened by the wonderful memories we have in our hearts of our dear children, that we continue to be a lifeline to each other here as we always have. I am so very thankful for all of you for saving my life so many times these past 4 years...you are my family and I love you all.

Today Barry, Tavian and I went shopping and had a really good day together....got alot of stuff we wanted for the house so I will be busy again LOL... We were in Target and Tavian walked up to Barry and said "Pop-pop, I am having so much fun being with you today !!" - I felt the tears but held them in and did a big smile instead !! So I guess it got to Pop-pop's heart because the next thing I know he is buying Tavian a $60 dollar game for his X-Box !!! Then the next best thing was that my husband bought himself some new clothes (whoo-hoo) and his pants are now a size 38 !! I took some pics so I will try to post. I am just so proud of him, almost at his goal weight of 200 from 327 !! Told him he looks like he did when I married him 37 years ago !!

Tavian made me stop and think today that maybe he does need to go back to therapy....I have been thinking about it but have not made the call - anyway, Barry ran into the store to get some frozen yogurt and Tavian and I were waiting in the truck and he just looked sad, I asked him what was wrong and he said "I miss mommy", I said "me too sweetie" and he replied "I don't feel complete" !!! I didn't know what to say to that, I had no words and that makes me sad that I didn't know how to make him feel better but it does make me think that seeing his therapist again might be the answer. Comments ?????

Good night and restful sleep my friends. Kathy

[mikesmum]

the club where a mother loses a child. Dam Difficult too and I dont like the fact I didnt get a choice in the signing up into this club

Michelle - Another from the land downunder......The membership cost for me was way too much. I read your post, the practical approach to 'dealing with losing a child'. Sad news is that nothing in your lifes experience is applicable now. I found this site in the early hours of an April morning, 3 months after losing Mike. I had a background in nursing and Emergency Medical Dispatch. I had been the one who supported those who were facing this type of loss, now nothing I knew to be true fitted.

Funnily I never thought of Mike leaving before me. My youngest challenged life to the fullest and put himself in harms way for so many years. It was almost like while I was watching over Steven, Micheal slipped under the radar. Ironically Steven has turned his life around and is now thriving. He attributes his success in overcoming his problems to having Mike around him.

For me nothing in my life is the same. The way I see things, my priorities, my beliefs all altered forever 18th Jan 2007. I find here, BI and my Indigo Family is normal...they get it. Being here has allowed me to heal somewhat enabling me to return to my surviving children and grandies.

Going back in to the before Mike died world takes so much. I have done the meds, the counselling and have spent almost 4ys with my psychologist being treated for PTSD. Its something I would never ever have been part of up till now.

Please come here as you feel you need. Here is where you can talk about your son, your life and your family as it is now. Our kids are so much more than that one last day.

Rhonda - Another mum looking for answers and a place to make sense of losing her son. Hope Susan finds us.

Had a call from Steven today. My ex (the one with the hydracephalus shunt) was taken to hospital New Years Eve after falling 2 meters off a balcony onto concrete. He had been out of hopital 2 weeks after having his shung replaced. He is in ICU with a fractured skull. He's okay, but again hearing Steven's voice and the 'lost child' in it was hard. He was taking the family home from his holiday down here today.

I will be taking Sir Muttley back to the hills earlier than I thought, kids kinda need support, not the kind you can phone in...Take Care Indigos.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Whoooo Hoooooo Go Barry!! We posted about the same time, sorry I missed you. As for the therapist for Tavian. Think how hard it is for us to get our minds around those trips and triggers that bring us to our kness. We have no way understanding them, I can only imagine how hard it is for Tavian. He lost Jess, his dad is a non event and the other Grandparents seem to fail him as well.

He might just need a booster to keep him on track and help him through those times when 'mum' is what he wants. You know them, they're the same as when we just want our kids back NOW....

Hope you are enjoying your new house, you are someone who makes wherever they are a home.......Love Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I was so surprised to see another DownUnder Friend among us. Your accent, yes I know it is me with the accent, but your sound and usage of words is similar to Michelle's. Sorry that Steven is worried and that the sadness is in his voice, you recognize that sound so easily now. I know. Peace as you head to the hills, peace in knowing that you are loved in and out through the days.

Leah, I am very glad for this open communication with your husband. Good news.

Kath, you know my comments about Tavian seeing the therapist...I think it is a good thing, I think that the move and the 'moving on' could be making Tavian feel a bit untethered, not to mention the events with other grandmom in the autumn. There is no harm nor stigma for tavian to go, he has a relationship with her so why not re-up for a time? Remember, you cannot always say something or do something that will allow Tavian to feel better, that becomes a trap of sorts for you both. The expectation for you to take his mind from the sadness, and the guilt you feel when you can't. Nope, bad cycle but not even noticeable to folks when it is going on, it becomes the dance you do with each other. Lord knows Kathy, as does JEss, that you would do anything to make sure of Tavian, but one of those things is to allow him the time and space to sit with his feelings a bit and develop some of the skills necessary to deal with these moods as he grows older. Maybe by asking him questions about what he can do about it, or what does he feel like he can do about it might spur his thinking but as we all know, there are times that really, it just sucks. Is there something creative he can do to express his ache, a journal, a tablet in which to draw or write. Glad that you had a nice day the three of you. Barry, wow what a great accomplishment. I am amazed.

As far as knowing or having a sense of our Child leaving...most of you know my story so skip over this if you like as you have read it before. Michelle, About a couple years before Eri left I had a dull sense of something making it so she did not live long into adulthood. As time moved on and she moved to Kalamazoo, Michigan, about 3 hours from here near Chicago where she grew up, my sense of her leaving got stronger. She went to live with my Son, Jon and the two of them lived with friends and rented a house, kind of went to school. They lived in a college town and both worked part time jobs and sometimes full time. Anyhow, a year before Eri died, I told my husband that i felt she was not going to live long. I told my neighbor and best buddie too, and of course both said, no no, just paranoid.

Well, in April of 2003 I had two nightmares of something about to happen to Eri but I could not see what adn I woke screaming each time. Then in May one more of that same nightmare, and then one more, this one was me standing in a packed church, weeping at the pulpit andsaying, This is not why we have children, to bury them. In june she went to a big outdoor three day venue in Tennesee, called Bonaroo. She was so delighted iwth the event, told us she had the most fun of her whole life. She was lit up with joy from it. I went to Georgia with my sisters the last week of June, there we laughed and played liek we were little again, and it was then that I felt a really strong sense of danger for Eri. I voiced it to my sisters, they were horrified.

Fourth of July weekend found Eri driving back and forth here twice to hang out with old friends and new friends in Chicago for the holiday weekend. She had dinner with us on July 3. She surprised visited us on July 6th, and it so happened that I had just moved all my office stuff in the room that had been the guest room, now my office, and her old room the guest room. She had assured me that she was cool on that as she had signed a new lease for the coming season in michigan. She saw her old room and thought it looked great, and she brought two of her new friends to meet me. I loved them immediately, sweet and funny and funky. All of my photographs from my kids lives were all over the floor of my new office as I was going to put together albums for my kids since it was summer adn I had the time. So I got to hear her tell the stories to her friends that went with the many photos. I got to hear her take on them. A wonderful gift for me. I had just put Eri's photo up from a time when she was 3, next to a photo of me and my sisters, and next to my Momma's glasses, and I said, 'three generations of women" when she came in and surprised me. Again, a gift. (mom passed away the summer before). Anyhow, we stood in the yard then and shared a cup of coffee, she and I both loved strong coffee. I took the last three photos on the roll of 36 of she and her friends, Heather, and Sarah.

Two days later, I called Eri having bought her a new pink skirt and told her about it. She was excited. We talked while I was on my walk that evening, it was unusually cool for July. We laughed and chatted adn she was happy and I felt so good when we hung up, having had so much of her in the last few days, she was becoming an adult, a friend, so many new facets to her. One half hour later, while seated in front of a home show on TV, glass of wine in hand, the phone rang, a woman asked me if I was the mother or ERica Reith. That was the chaplain, though at the time I did not know that. She said that Eri was in an accident and we needed to get there. I called her Dad and asked him if he would ride with me and my husband, he declined. Neither of us knew that a train had hit her car. A broken light for 11 months. Not until we got there. And there she was all hooked up to machines that measured every part of her except the breadth of her love and friendship, while each day for 6 days, me and 80 others waited in the ICU waiting room telling stories and singing songs, candle light vigils on the lawns and sleeping each night on the floors of the ER in sleeping bags provided by Eri and Jon's friends. Each day a day closer to setting her free. I wanted her to let go herself, did not want to determine her day of leaving, but we had to as she needed to leave, brainstem severed almost completely.

Hit on the 8th died on the 14th, funeral on the 18th, in that same church I saw in the dream, the childhood church of my kids, hadn't gone there in many years until her funeral. Everyone wore pink. She was with us in all of our sorrow, and she is with us in all we have regained.

Love to all,

dee

[nicksdad]

Geoff...Thinking of You

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy: I am so glad that you and Barry and Tavian had such a good day...I do agree with Dee regarding checking in with the therapist...it is true that you cannot provide all the answers...and who can? Likely no one has all of them, but between you, Barry and the therapist, perhaps he will be able to learn to work things out, look for answers that aren't there in reality, but live in his own heart, eventually. Congrats to Barry...what an accomplishment! I know that come summer, Barry (and you and Tavian) will be even happier when he is able to do many of the things he's been limited to before. Ralph has also lost a considerable amount of weight, but still has a ways to go...he's lost 98 lbs so far. This "kidney diet" doesn't allow for much, and thankfully, it has seemed to diminish his appetite even for what he is allowed to eat. Ralph has mentioned many times how much "easier it is to move around" and that he has more energy. He rarely uses his cane any longer, though needs it with extended walking, as he tends to "list" to the left without it.

Trudi: sorry to hear about your ex, knowing that it is disturbing to Steven...I know that Steven will be appreciative of the support you give to him and it will help him as he moves through this. Does Steven usually see him often? (Is this Steven's dad?) I looked up your house on Google earth tonight...wanted to see if you were in the area of the flooding..never did find out, but did see your house, on the corner, and also the "street view" which allows you to move the mouse around and get a 360 degree look. Nice. Quiet looking. Peaceful.

Dee: "Skipping over" is just not an option...we all tell our stories over again, and each time, we may remember something that slipped out of our memory before, and each time, we thread more stiches through our broken heart, mending it a little bit more. We can never put the needle and thread of these memories away, because that broken/torn part will always be there, but going through those memories, sad or happy, helps to make the seam smoother. While your story of Eri's last days is terrifically sad, it is a part of her life, and her wonder and beautiful spirit with all those she knew and who knew her. Your dreams were there in your mind early on...perhaps wound through your subconscious so as to comfort you when you finally did enter that church to say your goodbyes...it may not have been felt by you at the time, through the depth of your sadness during those hours, but the connection has been made in your mind and your heart...rereading your telling of this story brings tears and quickened heartbeats to me...I can only imagine how it affects your own heartbeats in the retelling. My heart to you, my friend.

Leah: I too am glad that the words are coming to your husband to be able to connect with you on your loss and perhaps begin the healing process for him.

Tomorrow we go to Boston to celebrate my sister's 83rd birthday. She is feeling very much better, and is looking forward to the gathering. My SIL, Elizabeth, is preparing dinner, and we are bringing the cake. They leave on the 12th for their return to Florida, until mid-July, where they stay in the house that Elizabeth inherited from her mom. She inherited this house just a couple of years before my brother died in 2005, and they did get to spend a few winters there. Now, it is a good place for Elizabeth and my sis to return to each year...a peaceful, restful place, though they do have a round of social events that would wear me out! The first of the week will see us taking the tree down again and putting everything away for another year.

Kim is doing a lot better, though has decided to put off their "late" Christmas until next weekend, to give her a good chance to recuperate. She tires very easily, and needs to be sure she doesn't overdo it.

Thank you all again for all of your prayers and good wishes.

Sus: I keep meaning to ask you...how is your daughter (I believe her name is Amanda) in New Hampshire doing? Is she going for more testing in January?

love and peace to all, Carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

GEOFF...GEOFF...GEOFF...saying your name...always remembering...please surround your mom with your sweet spirit, envelop her with your love, let her know you are always near.

thinking of you, Valerie and Keith as you remember this day of sadness...may you be reminded of the days of his life, and find comfort in those memories.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Bensmummy]

Thank you so much Dee for sharing Erin with me...Id read it over and over again because it was beautiful, loving and had joy..yes the story also was entwined with so much sadness but we need to weed out the bad bits and keep the little nuggets of gold..though I believe the story cannot ever be told unless it is fully told in whole. So special every one here has a special story to tell...Im amazed and ever grateful as I now know though you get told of other mums in my position but I know now they really do exist.

I remembered in April of 2010 ..I was selling my art at a town that I needed to travel the road where Ben was killed...but that wasnt until 2 months later. I was coming back from the market and at the very stretch where Ben was going to leave us..I was in the car alone and then I had a powerful thought of him and I started to weep ..not cry but just tears rolled down my face. I was missing him at the time as we were not really talking much and he hadn't come to see me for awhile. So that I was thinking on that but later a few weeks after the funeral I remembered what had happened a few months prior...it was a 60 kilometer stretch of road between the towns but it was right on the spot where he was killed that I had this overwhelming sadness overcome me....now that's weird. Talking to some lovely ladies in chat last night it seems each one of us have had some sort of interesting experience relating to our lost sons or daughters ..before they had died let alone after. Thank you for the messages of support..its wonderful and its a real blessing because I think many would agree with me..the rest of the family friends and ones in general seem to just move on alot quicker than us parents from the loss of our loved one...We need alot more time but they dont want to talk about it and seem to think its for our best if we dont talk about the child...how wrong they are. Michelle

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo’s, Michelle, I don’t want welcome you to the club. That would be my last thought to anyone new to this journey. I will say, welcome to Beyond Indigo, a place were you will find compassion, open hearts and understanding of the grief you feel in the wake of Ben’s death. My name is Betsy and my son, Rich, died January 18,2009 from cardiac dysrhythmia. He attended a concert the previous evening and fully enjoyed his life. I was living 3 hours from my son at that time, careing for my mom whom just passed this last May. I didn’t hear word of Rich’s death until late afternoon. No cell phone coverage, but like you, I knew something was terribly wrong. I was sitting at a traffic light when the tears began to flow and my only thought was of my son. I found my way to BI about a month after his death and found my lifeline. We will be here for you Michelle.

[mysonrich]

Geoff, Geoff,Geoff....saying your name outloud!

Andrew,Andrew,Andrew....knowing you through your Mothers good friend. Saying your name outloud.

[ericasmom]

GEOFF, please sweep through your Family's space today, giving them the knowing that you are present in their lives, as you are always present in their hearts.

Peace to your Parents

[ericasmom]

Carol, thanks so much. Happy birthday to your Sweet Sis.

As far as knowing back before ERica died, I was terrified of it, but the night she was struck, I was so peaceful, could feel her smile in her voice. Those dreams were a sign I believe, of what was to come, each time I woke crying and screaming. Shook my husband up that is for sure. That last dream, in the church, I was standing up when I woke up, sobbing. On the way to the hospital, a hand was on my right shoulder as we were about 30 minutes from the hospital, I said, " John, they are going to put us in a room adn tell us Eri is going to die." The hand on my shoulder was taht message.

Peace to all

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Welcome Michele I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Ben certainly sounds like a special young man, filled with life and love. I am so glad you were able to post his picture and tell us a small part about him and his love for life. He certainly is so very handsome and his beautiful spirit is so very evident as is the love you shared. I lost my only son Stephen 3 years ago and this wonderful group has saved my sanity and my file.

Dee I agree your sharing of your experience with the loss of Eri and your foreknowledge touches my heart and soul. I too knew i would out live Stephen from a very early age. I had that deep fear and dread within, always. I remember saying :"I wish could lock you in your bedroom for the rest of your life and then I would know you were safe" It was not to be-- Now I feel a deep sadness and that has replaced the deep fear

Leah I am so pleased that things have turned around a bit in your home Please continue to take care of you and I pray the New Year sees positive outcomes.

Trudi It is good to see you here. I too am so sorry that Steven is upset, you the wonderful mom with so much love and support will be there as you are with MD as he too is fortunate to be the recipient of the love and care.

Sherry what wonderful artistic games you create for your grand babies. I can understand why they enjoy visiting and why you are so tired after a visit. You give your all even reading a bedtime story after watching TV. . Dinner sounded so tasty.

Dee, Rhonda, Sue, Karen so sorry I missed the Chat I agree it is terrific to connect live in the chat room''

Kathy Great news about your husband buying new cloths today and Tavian enjoying himself with you. A wonderful way to start the New Year. Tavian is certainly a smart little boy. He is able to identify his feelings and express them That is a gift.

Betsy Hope the New Year finds you are snapping pictures at the beach I miss your outdoor shots

Carol I hope you have a good time at your sister's Birthday

Have a Blessed Day Indigos

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