Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

KATHY, SO GLAD U HAVE TAVIAN...WHAT A LIL GUY...HUGG HIM FROM HIS VG AND HUGGS TO YOU MY FRIEND...

GO MUTLEY SSO GLAD YOUR BETTER

[westleysmom]

Kathy-I'm so glad you're really getting settled in with pictures and everything. It looks great. I always think I can go to the cemetery without crying, but I don't know why because its never happened that way. Tavian is a sweetheart to want to take care of you and his Mom.

Trudi-Great pictures of Christmas. Little Jeya's eyes must be all better? I hope all the seasonal beachgoers are gone soon, but not sure how it works there. Is school out, so they're there for the duration? I'm glad Muttley is doing so much better and that you will get to spend some time with Mal next week.

Betsy-I burn towels all the time, at least when I manage to cook. I thought that was normal. Rich's angel date is so close to Westley's and the day before Westley's birthday. I think I had noticed that before, but forgotten. By that I mean to say, January will probably suck too.

Susannah-Thanks for your thoughts on God and the purpose of suffering. I don't get it at all sometimes, but I'm trying. I think in old times, when someone died, there was a year of mourning, and its not a bad idea if you think about it. Maybe if we wore black for the first 12 months and didn't go all the places we normally would, people would be less careless with their words around us. I am nearing the end of that horrible first year and trying to figure out how to live once that day has come and gone. Because living through that year is only the beginning of the part of my life that doesn't include him in his physical being. I think if God let me visit heaven, I might not come back, so I probably won't get to.

Betty-What a sweet warm hearted (and handed) boy Stephen was and is.

Leah-Sorry to hear of your cousin. I hope your Mom doesn't push going to the funeral if the weather doesn't cooperate, I know she hates to miss it, but neither of you needs to chance a fall. Take care and try to rest your ankle every chance you get.

I have mentioned my friend Susan to you all before and want to bring her up again as New Year's Day comes. If you'll remember (or maybe I never exactly told you), her son Andrew left late last new year's eve to go to a party at a lake house with a bunch of friends. She was shopping New Year's Day with her husband and started getting text messages asking if Andrew was okay. It soon became apparent that he was not and she rushed back to town to the hospital there. He had been found as the boys woke up that morning, in a chair. He was gone. 12 days later on the night of Jan 12-13, Westley went to a friend's house on a worknight, just to hang out. We spoke at 9:30 and he said he'd be home by 11:00. The next morning, the friend he stayed with (he decided he was too tired to drive home) called crying, saying she couldn't wake him. He was gone. Andrew was 19 years old and Westley was 20, they were not friends, as a matter of fact, I don't think they ever met each other in person and lived 3 hours apart. Susan and I have been friends since high school and it is hard to imagine how this happened to both of us within two weeks. Both boys died of combined acute intoxication, where they had alcohol and some type of drug that mixed together caused their respiration to slow down to the point of death. Westley also had sleep apnea, which wasn't listed on the report, but which I believe contributed. At any rate, that this happened first to her son and then to mine has been largely incomprehensible to me, given the beliefs I held up until then. That God would take care of us and loved us. We took the boys to church and tried to keep them out of trouble and we almost did a good job. I'm sure I've told you some of this before, if not all of it. The point of all of this is to ask you to please keep Susan in your thoughts and prayers and to remember Andrew on New Year's Day. He was her baby, the younger of two sons, and she is heartbroken as I am for her. I am heartbroken for us all.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - My heart breaks for you and your friend, Susan, as the first angeldates of your sons approach. There are no answers. I was contemplating this morning how grateful I am for Beyond Indigo. Where I could come and express my grief, frustration, anger and questions without judgment. During the whole of my life, even as a young child, I've had a yearning for God. I've sought God through a plethora of venues since my childhood. Stephanie's death and more importantly what her children have suffered would be the only obstacle that ever caused me to question the actual existence of a God. After more than a year of yelling at him, questioning him and begging him I have to my own conclusion...personal to me...that we are loved by a power greater and purer than any of us can ever imagine. And, our angels are in the presence of that love. As are we. Always. Whether God took or received our children, to me, is the same thing. I think it's perfectly okay to question God's love; his reasons. We probably won't get any answers, but somehow, if we don't block ourselves off completely from his answers, we will be touched with a peace that we can never imagine. In time. It all takes time. It reminds me of Sarge in Forest Gump, perched high on the sails, in the fierce storm, raising his fist at God, daring him to "give him all he's got." Then came the peace.

Again, today, the relationship I have with my Creator is the most important, cherished, relationship I have. It is there I find the strength to carry on one more day. Take one more breath. I am touched with strength of the survivors of the holocaust. Losing all, so many found an inner strength to carry on with purpose and love. That is who I want to be. I cannot stop the hunger in the world, but I can donate to my local food bank. I cannot stop child abuse, but I can love each child that comes in my path with a smile and a silent "thank you" for touching my world. I cannot stop corruption, but I can be honest in all my dealings. I can't stop death. But, I can choose to live.

And, when I am unable to do those things, I can retreat to my bed or my grieving chair and be replenished by each of you until I find the strength to function again only to find out God was working all the time. Through each of you.

I, too, have wished we could wear black to signal we are grieving. We are different....tread carefully. I listened to a teaching, once during my born again, bible preaching, Jesus lovin' (I still love Jesus) days. This wise woman said that the bible says "blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted". She explained that mourning was the outward pouring of our grief. She said that the women in Israel are still taught to mourn...wail..for the dead. That made sense to me.

In my opinion, the only way to peace and acceptance is by expressing our discontent, anger and rejection of what is happening fully and completely. It is through that sincerity God can work with us. He can mold our broken heart when we fully expose it to him.

I had decided to not talk about God anymore. It is not my desire to create conflict with anyones beliefs. It is good that we disagree with each other. It is good that none of us know for sure. If only all the countries of world could discuss their differences so openly without fear of persecution but with respect and honor for the others belief. Knowing we are come from one Creation and will return to that Creation.

Forgive me my boldness of speech and outspoken love for my God. You listened while I hated him. You listened while I questioned him. Thank you for listening while I love him.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

I have Damon here today, with Jamie on his way, so don't have a lot of time...have been reading the posts since yesterday...lots to discuss and respond to. For now, I just want to say to Sus: You've once again struck many chords in my heart...many thoughts running along the same road as yours, as many of us, I'm sure. Your post was thought provoking, heart-stirring and peace producing...thank you. I have long relied on my belief and faith to carry me through, and have as many here, had days when I have railed against them...but without them, I would not be able to breathe. As for the "mourning for a year," I do agree...the old way was better...the outward sign, the "warning" if you will, to others...the black band around the arm of a man, the black clothing of a woman...very appropriate... After Mike died, I came across a site that offered something similar...I wore (and still do) a ribbon, such as the breast cancer pink ribbon, only mine is black, trimmed in gold...the black is for my loss and the gold is for the treasure of his memory (to me at least). I also wore a black wristband, similar to the yellow one that Lance Armstrong started...mine was engraved with "In Mourning." I wore it for a year. Few asked about it...but I do remember one woman, asking about the ribbon. She said "Oh, I see you are wearing a ribbon...let's see, pink is for cancer, red is for leukemia, and yellow is for hope" and then she drew her breath in, turned pale and said "Oh, my, you've lost someone." She took my hand and she said "I'm so sorry." When I told her it was my son, she again took my hand and said that she could never understand my pain, but that her mother had lost a daughter many years before, and was "never the same." (Oddly, she never mentioned herself losing a sister and didn't seem to want to, so I don't know what the full story was about that.) Anyway, the outward sign is important, but I doubt it will ever become a custom again...sad. Sharing one's grief helps the healing process...perhaps one day, that will become an "ordinary" thing to do...though I wish there was never grief to even be shared.

Last night, Sarah called to say goodnight to Damon. After he hung up and I was tucking him in, I said "that was so nice of your mommy to remember to call you and say goodnight." He said "Yes. She is nicer than real life, and I love her." I told Sarah about it today, tears spilling over, a catch in my voice, as many "re-memories" of similar sentiments spoken so many years ago, warmed my own heart.

Have a good day everyone...I will be back later.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

"She is nicer than real life and I love her." More precious words of a child's love have not be spoken.

[kmb22]

Reading through the tears today...

Carol - Damon and his beautiful little soul...out of the mouths of babes, such unconditional love and a true example.

Susannah - " If only all the countries of world could discuss their differences so openly without fear of persecution but with respect and honor for the others belief." I couldn't agree with you more. I love each perspective, thought, and belief; each keep our mind open to the possibilities. No need to ask for forgiveness for helping keep as many open as possible.

Rhonda - My heart, thoughts, and prayers to both you and your friend Susan as we approach the upcoming month Your words "we almost did a good job"... I reach for a way to remove the word almost from your thoughts. It's one of those awful words I wish didn't exist, along with perfect and normal. They're all so subjective, implying, and can so easily allow us to feel..less than. The loss of Westley, Andrew and all of our children, were awful accidents, tragedies, and illnesses. We did the best we could, with everything we have, with every bit of love in our heart....there is no almost about it. {Hugs}

[ericasmom]

Nicer than real life...priceless Carol, absolutely priceless. Thanks for sharing such a pretty phrase from so dear a boy.

Rhonda, you have a way with words indeed, when talking about dishtowels on fire-thought it was normal. You make me laugh. And cry, and indeed, I will be praying for your friend whose loss is just weeks in front of yours, the unnatural happening to two old friends. I am so sorry for the days ahead that feel so raw and ugly. I flet them running at me that first year, the dates that changed our lives...I could not duck or shut my eyes, I could not move out of the way or get away, they came anyhow. I found that the days leading up to the anniversary date are worse than the day. So much anxiety. I still have a hard time each July as we head toward the dates. We all are holding you as you approach just as we hold each other year after year as each faces the numbers on the calendar that are just numbers to others.

[mikesmum]

Yes its vacation time here in my sancutuary. Every house is filled to the brim with families and PUPPIES!! Muttley serenaded till almost midnight last night. Settled to sleep then someone five blocks over barked and he was off again.

This morning on our circuit walk we met several puppies all shapes and sizes. The yards are filled with young ones setting up makeshift camps, table and chairs. Volleyball nets are across grass expanses and those who have just bought their land are camping.

Brings back memories of my childhood when we, with a million other lemmings would track our way to the ocean for 3 weeks of intense 'holidaying'. Fishing, sand castle building, walking and of course a million and one mosquito bites!

Carol - Such a precious young man that holds your heart. She is nicer than real life, and I love her Gotta know that's what Mike saw in her too.

Jeya's eyes are clearing and sparkle when she smiles. She looks so much like her Aunty Mel. As for the group pic, the one bending down is Kelly, not one of the grandies. She is Jeya and Zaks mum.

Steven tells me he feels Mike is around him always, have to agree when I see pics of him surrounded by orbs.

Betsy - I have potholders too, doesnt stop me grabbing a tea towel and buring myself silly. It caught fire, it happens and oh yeah it isn't the worst thing that could happen. She does still have her house right?!?

Well the grass has grown here while I was in the hills so it back into the garden for me and slightly exhausted pup. Funny I seem to have more energy when I'm here.

Steven, Kelly, Zak and Jeya are here tomorrow for dinner. I think the kids and I will be snoozing before the New Year is in.

Peace love and understanding to my fellow Indigo's....

[mysonrich]

Trudi, Yes. The house is still there and the towels are only scorched on one side. The towels were a gift for Sarah. I did feel bad but I’ll have to say her reaction was subdued. Now looking for waffle weave dishtowels, Christmas theme. I don’t have to but will. Us parents! We do the dumbest things sometimes. Summer sounds nice btw. I feel like I’ve missed the past couple of summers. There but not.

Rhonda, we did our best. Not “just” our best but our absolute best. Rich, Micheal Shane and handsome Westley, all in January.

I have to restrain my typing. I wanted to send off an email to someone today.This person suggested that I was in the same place I was two years ago. Where would I possibly begin to explain? The thoughts in my mind flowed in angry, followed by the need to cast off this person forever. 2 years ago! The same !? It makes me what to drop the F bomb. My son died. My heart broke in pieces. It is still shattered. My body broke down. I did not leave the house. I did not interact. I hit the bottom of a very deep, dark place and crawled, scrathched and kicked my way back over the brim. I feel battered and broken still and the same as last year? The year before? My Mother died. I moved. I found employment. I get out with the living again and even if I forever feel the shadow of grief on my heart, I am not at the same place I was two years ago. Not always, though I have my moments. The person that said that is so stupid. There. I said it.

Susannah, re: “give him all he’s got”…ever wonder why some of us are handed, given more than others?

I probably mentioned this before; with-in the same week Rich died 2 other boys also died. I know Rich knew one boy and I believe they all ran in the same “right out of HS” circle but not all always crossing paths.

A few years ago 5 young men were out at a local club. 4 were in college. 1 was in his summer month before college. All 5 young men attended the same HS as Rich and Sarah, a couple of years older. The young men grew up together. If they weren’t at one home they were at the others home. When they didn’t come home that night, the parents thought exactly that. A little too much Rpm, a slick road, a raise in the road and a tree. One lived. He was wearing his seatbelt. 4 large crosses now stand beside the roadway.

Why all 4? Why Andrew and Westley? Why the boys that shared Rich’s week?

Well, no answer there.

Sherry, Leah, Colleen, Karen, Carol,Betty,MaryAnn,Greg,Dan,Bonnie, Crystal, Marcia, Lynn…lets hope for a restful night.

[summergirl]

She is nicer than real life and I love her !! How precious - from the mouths of babes...

Thank you everyone - yes Tavian is something else....he always tries to protect me (and himself) when we go to the cemetery...he really hates to see me sad / cry - he said "when you cry Mi-Mi then it makes me cry" !! Promise to give him a hug from all his virtual grandma's.

Thanks - the house is really coming along. Finished making the curtains for the kitchen, ironed and hung. Now it is all the small things that I want to do. We are going to go shopping this weekend for furniture for Tavian's playroom...have been on-line looking but I am a hands-on person, want to see it and touch it before I buy it. Also want things that will grow with him, don't want to have to change it every year...He is very excited.

Trudi - so glad that Mr. Muttley is doing well and keeping up with all the other "puppies"

Well, Barry is yelling to me to help him so I better go see what he wants....lol

Much love and prayers, Kahty

[summergirl]

Dee - I didn't know you collected elephants - I started collecting them when Jessica found the white pair when we were shopping, I fell in love and bought them. The brown one with the candle on it was Jessica's - she had a love for them also. The 2 small ones are from the Dominican, they hand carved them for me when we were there. I also collect antique rolling pins and wooden spools. Never really thought of myself as a collecter but guess I am......you can see the spools in this pic. Have a restful night.

[summergirl]

Betsy - I so agree - WHY all 4, why that same week. When I was 15 years old I had my first taste of loss....my 4 best friends in school were driving on Halloween night and were hit by a drunk driver....killed the 4 girls plus the boy who was driving... All the parents were at Halloween party when the police arrived to tell them about their children. I still think about them all these years later.....

[daveydow1]

Leah-----Thanks for asking about my Internet Security software. I got it installed OK, but still having a wee bit of a problem

with some of the suggested updates etc. I'll have to call David's friend who is a computer expert & works in the IT field for some

help. Sorry to hear of your cousin's death. I hope you're able to take your mom to the funeral.....if the weather co-operates. Prayers.

Betty-----Your story of Stephen's warm rock for your cold hands warms not only a hand, but a heart also. Sweet memory.

We took our daughter, Becky, to the mall today to let her shop for her Xmas presents. I didn't buy anything except a silver charm

of a tiny pr. of pink baby shoes (Mary Jane style) for Lisa, to put on a silver charm bracelet that I have with 5 pairs of silver baby shoes which

are engraved with name & birthdate on the botton of the shoes. Sadly,.....two pair have to have a death date also. I think the little

tiny pink shoes will look nice on the bracelet. Many silver charms were on sale.

Dee-----Loved your story of burning the 'sadnesses' paper, and casting it to the wind.......signifying the wish to start again. You

are right......we do not forget them......never that, but we can try to make one day at a time....especially in those early times when

we can't seem to think we can breathe or survive. Prayers for John's mom, that she will continue to find her way back to health.

Trudi----glad to hear that Muttley is getting better.......poor little pup !

Susannah-----Had a good laugh when you described the new "No-Hands " can opener. Many products are not quite as

wonderful as they are described in the claims by their advertisers.

Rhonda-----Heartbreaking story of how you & your friend Susan lost your dear sons so close together in time. Such young lives.

Sending thoughts & prayers along for you & Susan, as the angel dates are approaching. Peace, friend.

Betsy----Oh......can't blame you for being angry about what that person said.......that you seem to be in the same place as last year.

As Dee said.......we do make progress, as time helps to 'soften' the pain & sorrow, But,......I do believe that a part of us will always

be there.....at the time we recieved the crushing blow of the news of our dear children's death......frozen in time. I, myself, don't

believe that anyone can completely remove memory of those harsh days/weeks/months of those days. How could we ? They

are part of our lives. I agree......that person said a stupid thing to you. Just one more of many 'stupid' things people say that could

be a part of the book someone mentioned should be written. You have had a lot of sorrow to take on you shoulders in a relatively

short time. Hang on, and just come to BI.....everyone here cares and understands.

Goodnight All.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

NOPE Sherry, I so agree, we never lose that memory or ache of that moment or the moments leading to it when we lost our Child or Children. HOw could we indeed, we never forget their birth stories, certainly not the stories that found them gone from this Earth. It is everyday inside us, an everyday knowing, and reminder of how to get dressed, brush teeth, smile at a stranger, swallow some tears with my coffee, listen to good music, notice the sway of trees and the sound of wind...a reminder to live it well for them. For them always and for us because they love us.

Trudi, love that Stephen feels his Bro. Orbs galore.

Yes Kath, I have been collecting elephants since I was really young, but once you tell folks what you love, it is what you receive a ton of, so I tell kids that I love birds too, as I do but also because I have no room to display all of the elephants. Sad story Kath, about your friends at Halloween, so very sad.

Yes Betsy, why so many at one time, why them? I just figured my biggest question was HOW after Eri died, why could never be answered and was not something I ever felt I could know until I was with her again. HOW was what I needed to find out, how to live life, how to get up and outside again, to walk and breathe adn make a difference to anyone ever again, how to let others make a difference to me, how to honor my DAUGHTERS Being in the best ways, how to live in her light and her love, and how to help my Son find ways to live again?

[Guest msnher]

"I am not a car that you can fix. I'm never going to run right." Quote from a show I watched last night. I can't remember which show.

Our new normal. We now run to the beat of a different drum. I was always a bit off. Not sure where it puts me now.

I don't even have a response for your "friend", Betsy. "Stupid" seems to fit. Ignorant, definitely. Let's pray she never has to know. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

When I joined BI three months after Steph died I would read all of your posts about how your friends didn't seem to get it. I felt lucky that my friends did. Well, at three months they did. Now, not so much. There are a couple of real close friends who have remained steadfast. The others want me to be my old self again. Sometimes I resemble her, but mostly, well, not so much. The friend I thought would remain close and a source of strength can't tolerate my pain and I rarely talk to her anymore. It's odd, because even on my good days she avoids me....almost like just the thought of knowing someone who has been through so much is too hard for her to take.

Like you, Betsy, so much happened within such a short period of time. January 2008 Stephanie's kids were virtually kidnapped from me. I say virtually because they were living with me and their dad picked them up for icecream, saying he'd have them back in an hour. He never came back. He never called. The police said because he was their legal guardian I couldn't do anything about it. We didn't know where they were for over a year, but we DID know he took them back to his girlfriend and she was abusive to them. April 2008 my sister died at age 52. October 2008 Stephanie put herself in an eight month treatment program in Cresco Iowa. In December 2008 my mother died. In February 2009 the state notified us that they had my grandkids and they had been severely abused physically and sexually by the girlfriend. They placed them with us as their foster parents until Stephanie could complete her treatment program. We began the long and tedious process of a civil and criminal trial. I can't tell you how hard it was on us all emotionally. The kids had suffered horrific torture and lived in fear. I spent many nights holding Jasmine so she could sleep. They each woke up screaming in the night for the first couple of months. During all this their father stood by his girlfriend's side. Because of that the kids had to testify in court against his girlfriend...with her present. We weren't allowed in the courtroom. Stephanie was still in treatment. Stephanie graduated from treatment on June 22, 2008. She saw her kids for the first time on June 25, 2008. On August 9, 2009, she was dead. On August 14, we had her memorial service. The kids father came and cried and apologized to me promising he would make it all right again. on the 19th I was called to testify against him and Tina. There he sat, by her side again, laughing and happy to see her. She was escorted to court in an orange jump suit and shackles and cuffs.

The judge would rule in our favor on the 19th. Within the next few months she would reach a plea agreement with the DA. They dropped the sexual abuse charge and she plead no contest to 2 counts felony abuse. Their father was found guilty of neglect and his parental rights were taken away. The judge ordered we be allowed to adopt the kids. On June 28, 2010 the adoption was final.

We allow the father to see the kids at our house or at special functions (school, church, trick or treating) if we are present. He finally believed the kids. A little late...but, he will have to answer to them for that when they are old enough to hold him accountable. Right now, they needed to have their father in their lives...limited and safe.

However, on May 9th 2010, Mother's Day and Stephanie's 9 month angelversay, my son tried to kill himself.

THAT broke me. I functioned at a needed minimum. And sometimes I couldn't even do that.

One day I went to a meeting and someone said something about how unhealthy my life was. Okay...so, it was an AA meeting. Those are the meetings I attend. When it was my turn to share I quietly recounted all that I just typed. And, I ended with "I think you can all cut me some slack." Some did. Some didn't. The ones that didn't, however, did not voice it to me. I would have gladly unleashed some "whoop ass" on them....and, they know that about me.

I say all that to say this........Betsy, don't let anyone tell you where you should be or how you should be acting. You already know that, because you told me that when I got here. I needed to be told I was normal....considering the situation. Some people don't get it. Can't get it. Perhaps they are stupid. But, probably they are just ignorant. "God bless the stupid people for they know not they're stupid." They are like the people who claim the holocaust never happened. My response to your friend might be "I pray you never have to know what this feels like two years out."

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Excellent Dee, not why, but "how". How to live as a zombie. How to feel the sunlight again. I did that through all of you and your patience and love.

[Guest msnher]

Just one more thing...This September is when I crashed from it all. It was harder to function for the last few months than it seemed when Steph first died. It was harder to get out of bed now than it was then. Until I had my dream. Whatever it was, it has made it possible for me to get out of bed. I do go back to bed some days, but it is much better. Seems we're in survival mode at first. Then things calm down and we finally have time to fall apart. The world doesn't get it.

[mikesmum]

Oh yes still fixed in the same place this time last year and the year before and the year before that .....

Its like when some says do you know where you were when Kennedy, Elvis, John Lennon died....Vaguely. Do you know where you were, what you felt when your child died.....down to the last weeks days minutes of his life and second by second that day.

In the weeks leading up to....We got a call from Mike around 8am New Years Eve (daytime). He had and Amanda had had a falling out about her taking Harmony to a local flea market. It was going to be hot and he wanted Harmony to be home in the cool. They were living behind Amanda's parents at the time. Mike said she had rung the police telling them he had threatened her, their child, her parents and grandparents. Police we coming to pick him up.

I was home that morning. Took his call and told him I would contact the local police and get back to him. By then they had arrived at Mikes home and taken him into custody. The charge was 'threatening with a weapon'. We couldn't see him till they booked him, gave him a court date a warning to leave her alone and then they released him.

I spoke with the local sargent and asked how serious it was. He said when he arrived Mike was sitting on his steps in boxers crying. He had no idea what had been said on the call. They were sympathic to his problem but they still had a job to do.

When I finally got to talk with Mike he said he was spending New Years Eve with friends. I told him to come by the house New Years Day and stay with us till it was sorted. I was working the next 4 days. The call from Amanda was BS. She had told the police she was in fear of her life, that she thought he had a weapon. The call came into our centre.

The court date was set for 12th Jan 07. The intervention order was in place. Funny, that same girl that lived in fear called our home a dozen times a day to talk to Mike. She rang once around 2am, got me. She wanted Mike to come sleep on the floor at her house, she was afraid that some guy she spoke to at the local pub might come and try to 'get with her'. The thought that she could have the police on speed dial and have him thrown in jail didn't deter him. He went.

In the days that he spent with us he poured his heart out. He was hurting. His life was in tatters, he missed his baby and he wanted so much for things to work out. I was, as I usually am, angry. How dare she lie to have my son taken away and charged. How dare she threaten to take Harmony from the man who loved her so much. But he was an adult, he wanted a future and after the charges were dropped, oh yes it was all big mistake, Mike didn't have weapon in fact "he was just being irritating and she wanted him out of the house for the day". Her words.

So yes, now I've rambled on, tomorrow is the beginning of the minute to minute nightmare leading up to that final day when two worlds collided.

Its warm this afternoon. Have cut the grass and after I shower I will be sitting back with a champagne and a good book. This will be one of the first that doesn't relate to losing Mike...

Oh yeah Muttley ~ well snoozing.......

[Guest msnher]

((((((((((Trudi)))))))))

[ericasmom]

And the oceans we make from our tears,

continue on and grow,

tides that sweep up the beaches,

erosion of our spirits some days,

and other days find us still and reflective.

we are the creators of seas, tidal pools, salt lakes and oceans,

salt landforms/parents of Lost Species.

[Guest msnher]

Date correction to earlier post. Stephanie graduated from treatment on June 22 2009....she saw her kids on June 25, 2009...She died on August 9, 2009. I had written 2008.

[Guest msnher]

Good Morning Indigo's;

I read back through all the posts from yesterday and realized I post/talk a lot. Who knew? So, I googled people who talk too much and was surprised to find me written in so many pages. Turns out I'm needy. Really? Not sure about that one. Trapping the listener (or reader) into paying attention to me. Another explanation, that makes more sense to me, is arrogance. Blind arrogance that I think what I have to say is so important and you'd all better take heed. (sarcasm) Yes, I can be quite arrogant. Please don't think I'm beating myself up. I'm not. I'm cool with me. But, I want to be a better listener. Another thing is I believe I'm addicted to you all. Not a bad thing, but can be annoying to you and to the face to face people in my life. So, out of the desire to better myself (I seem to be always selfishly motivated) I am going to post less and read more. But, I am still here. Learning and loving and praying!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

It certainly has been busy here the last 24 hours.

Trudi I am so sorry for the painful memories of the difficult days leading up to our huge heartbreak I agree we never do forget the pain our angels endured and how angry and painful it was for us because we could not FIX ITt!!!, Holding you close dear lady. Glad MD is close by .

Sus you certainly have had many devastating shattering experiences in your lifetime. Your humor, honesty, compassion and faith, are a testament to the dept of your spirit. Your family is fortunate to have you as a champion for them.

Karen I am so sorry that yesterday was a tearful one Even in your pain and sadness your response to Rhonda and her friend Susan was filled with such love, understanding and wisdom. Thanks for being an Indigo

Rhonda You and your friend Susan were the best most loving moms Westley and Andrew could have known. You gave them your love, your dedication and your heart There is no almost in any of that I will hold your friend in my prayers as well.

Dee What a special poem and I agree finding How to Live with such pain and without our normal focus is the challenge that we face each day. Coming here and sharing with my Indigo family helps me to have the courage to go on just one more day

Carol What can I say about sweet Damon's comment What a sweetie!!

Betsy You friend was so out of line and so uninformed!!11 You are right my goodness!!! Even without the tremendous loss of your precious son, Rich and, your Mom the changes that you have moved thru in the last few years are huge Moving , changing jobs, selling mom's house. All of these are huge stressors and you have accomplished a done that and more in spite of your sadness and despair.It would be interesting to find out what this friend has accomplished in the last two years.. .

Sherry How very special and sweet to find the little silver charm of Pink baby doll shoes for your special charm bracelet and little Lisa . 5 little charms of small baby shoes I would love to see a picture

Leah, Crystal, Chris, Lorrie, Kathy Sonya Beth and all Indigos Try to stay safe today

[westleysmom]

Betsy-The nicest thing I can say about the person who said that you were in the same place as 2 years ago is "What an idiot!" with feeling. That person has no idea where you were two years ago and no idea where you are now. I can say that because, well, that person is an idiot. Moving on means something completely different when you're dealing with the loss of your child, your heart, your stake in the future. The person that was supposed to never not be there is gone and nothing will ever be the same. None of us will be, but neither are we standing still. You've had a lot of tragedy and heartache the last two years, you are still upright and breathing, this is a triumph that this person will probably never understand. Susannah's right, don't let anyone tell you what you should be feeling or doing. I'll never understand the loss of young lives with so much promise, though. Whether I knew them or not, it just seems so unfair and wrong.

Trudi-Those painful days leading up to our losses are etched on our memories like designs on glass, aren't they? So many little details that I've analyzed over the last almost year, and I'm sure you've done the same. Wanting them to be happy and to fix everything for them. Then wanting them back, even if they were miserable, just wanting them back. I hope the champagne was cool and bubbly and the book was a good read.

Susannah-I don't think you're posting a lot means much of anything except you need to talk! I take it by spells, sometimes I like to just read what everybody has to say and sometimes I feel like I need to talk. I think as long as it helps us to get our thoughts out there, we should keep doing it. I would point out that everybody's life is at least a little unhealthy because none of us will get out of here alive, in case it ever comes up in your meeting again.

Betty-Thank you so much for your kind words. Westley was so different from my daughter who married at 18 and finished college (without any financial support from us) in four years. She is almost four years older than Westley, but It had been so much harder for him to grow up, and it seemed that we were almost there.

Kathy-If I lived forever I would probably never be able to finish sewing one set of drapes. I did make some out of bamboo placemats and clip on rings for the kitchen window, but that's not really sewing. I loved the picture of the wooden spools, those are really neat . I have a shelf kind of like that in the kitchen over the window where I keep some of my Grammy's cream pitchers and sugar bowls. She had lots and I got them when she died and picked out the ones from the 60's (bright colors and curvy lines) to put up there.

Sherry-The bracelet sounds so sweet. And to get them on sale is a bonus!

Karen-Thank you for your sweet words too. I know that you are having a hard time as it is so soon for you, but you're always so kind and I look forward to your posts.

Dee-I always love to read your poems that capture our experiences so well. How indeed to keep drawing breaths in and out when all you really want to do is see them again. Knowing that would mean that others who love us would be in the same pain we are in, if they're not already. Such is life, much to my surprised dismay.

Has anybody ever seen the movie "The Book of Eli"? Kind of bloody, but Denzel Washington plays Eli, a man on a mission after the "big one" drops and kills most of the world's population. He has a Bible and he's been told (a voice in his heart) to take it and deliver it to someone. Very thought provoking, but quite violent, kind of along the lines of "Man on Fire" where he was a bodyguard for a little girl. Anyway, it was kind of hard to go to sleep last night after we watched it and wondered if any of you had seen it. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts for me and Susan, and I am keeping Trudi and Betsy also in my thoughts these days as January is their angel month too. Such a cold and lonely time here in the States anyway. Stay warm and safe, Indigo friends and guard your heart from those who just think they understand.

[mikesmomrs]

Jameson has been here since yesterday, and has asked me to take him to the store today, so I will be busy again today. I have been reading but not finding time to post. However, I do want to come on and say that you all are in my prayers and thoughts as you travel through these holidays with its many reminders and painful jolts to the heart. Of course, there are good memories, but I think that at this time of year, the good memories are always accompanied by the reminder that these are the only ones we will ever have...it is a vicious cycle sometimes, and I think that the holidays tend to push the button on that.

Trudi: I am so sorry for the pain you endured during those last days...I think that motherhood comes with the feeling that we must "fix things" and when we can't, our whole system is assailed with feelings of failure, right or wrong. Wanting to "fix things" often drove a wedge between myself and Mike, and it was always so difficult to turn the other way when he was doing something that we knew was going to result in pain for him. But, wanting to "fix it" was always there, in our minds, our hearts, our very being, as a mother...and when we couldn't, of course, it etched itself on our hearts that we couldn't, whether we were to blame or not...we inflicted that blame on ourselves...it was the nature of the beast called motherhood. The greatest "fix" that was ever needed went right on by our power of being able to "make it better" and even though we do certainly have days when the good and sweet memories comfort us, those days of remembering that last time of not being able to "fix it" live with us, always---hovering in the background. I think it was Bonnie who said that the loss of our child is like the background noise in our lives. The inability to fix things that last time it was so desperately needed lives there, too. Holding you close, my friend. I loved the pics you posted, and the orbs...oh, those orbs...there, nearby, always.

Rhonda: Thinking of you and your friend Susan, as you approach these angelversary days...yes, it is just unreal that you should both lose your sons so close together, or even at all. I had a long-time friend, also, who I met the first year of high school. Rita and I were friends for almost fifty years, and like you and Susan, we each had a son, but our sons didn't know each other either, because we did not live near each other in our adult lives. In our case, though, I lost my son (to cancer), and her son lost his mother (to cancer), just a short while after Mike died. I am so sorry for your and Susan's loss, and the pain you are now going through with the angelversary coming...please know that you both are in my prayers and thoughts.

Lorri: The newspaper article for Kourtney was beautiful...very well done. Thank you for sharing.

Betsy, the unthinking, almost cruel statement about your still being where you were two years ago...others here have said all that I feel, and Rhonda summed it up...she is an idiot. With the things you have been through these past couple of years, I think would derail the Pope himself, and yet you are still standing, still breathing...that is enough for now... Each one of those things taken alone is at the top of the "stressor scale," and you've had to endure many...and you've done it with grace and dignity, despite the ignorance that has surrounded you.

Sus: Your posting would be missed terribly if you were to "scale back," but you have to do what you feel is best for you. Know though, that your postings are a part of our daily lives, and the words you write have meaning to all of us, much meaning.

Sherry: I love that you found the little booties charm...how very special. If I remember your post correctly, you mentioned that you have five...do you have five children? I too would love to see a picture of your bracelet.

Kathy: So nice that your house is coming around...the pics you've shown are of a beautiful, comfortable, warm home. I loved the spools, too.

Karen: I am so sorry also that you are having a difficult time...these "firsts" are so very difficult, and of course, the holiday does make it more difficult. Everyone expects that you will "bounce back" because, after all, it's Christmas! What they don't seem to take the time to realize is that "it's Christmas" is making it even more painful.

Leah: I hope that you are able to rest up that ankle whenever you can. I know it is difficult with all that you have to do, but please try. As for taking your mom to the services, it would be really tough for you to do, especially if the weather is bad. I hope that she will understand.

Dee: Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem...and thinking of you burning the papers with your hopes and having some of the pieces fall into where Eri's last footprints were in your back yard...seems that Eri was telling you that she will be "walking with you" as you realize those hopes in the new year. I hope that you are able to renew your energy and spirit during these days off...

Bonnie: I saw the pictures of your Christmas on your FB page...how sweet...someone had a wonderful Christmas this year...you and Rich are such special people and Dono will forever hold you in his heart.

Claudia: Thank you so much for posting the pics of the Christmas baskets...it is so heartwarming to see the faces of those who are the recipients of your hard work and dedication. I can't wait to see pics of that new grandbaby...it is so wonderful that you will be able to be there when he (I don't remember if you said it was a girl or a boy) makes his entrance into this world---what a joyous blessing.

Amy: thinking of you also, as you pass through these "firsts" and endure the added pain of the feeling of loss of your precious angel, Ashley.

Crystal: I hope you are doing okay...holding you in prayer, also.

Sonya, Beth, Lynn, Greg, Colleen, Dan, Lorri, Jenn, Marcia, Shelly, Dale, and I know I've forgotten some, but only for this moment, as you are all always remembered in my prayers...every day. Jamie is breathing down my neck and tick-tock'ing to remind me that time is passing and he really needs to get to the store! So, I need to get dressed and venture forth...it is pretty cold today, so I will have to bundle up---then when I get into the store, I will have to take it all off (well, not ALL-- ) again so I won't "sweat up a storm" like I usually do when I am there.

First, before I go, just to let you all know, Kim called last night and is back home...thankfully! Thank you all again so very much for your thoughts, wishes and prayers for her and for my sister. I spoke with my sis this morning and she is doing really well. Kim is still not back up to par, but well enough to come home...she will be starting outpatient treatment with her doctor next week...so far, they are treating it like an advancement of the Crohn's, and she is not happy to be on all those meds again, but is very happy to be home, as are her girls. They are planning of having their Christmas this Sunday...I know the girls are happy about that, too.

sending love and peace to all,

carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Wow. Just about 2pm. It has been a good day. One of those cold, snowy days to just stay inside and watch movies. As a family each one of us are cuddled with our own blankets, watching Disney movies. All was well and then it just hit. The sadness that felt the same as that first week she died. It didn't make sense to me. How could I feel like this now, out of nowhere? And, then I remembered.....today is the funeral of the 23 yr old who died in the skiing accident last week. His services are in one hour. As soon as I remembered that and that what I was feeling were not my feelings, but his mothers, and I turned my prayers and energy towards her, the pain left my gut and the tears subsided.

Please keep the family of Craig Shirley in your prayers this day. I do not know them. But, we all know what they are going through.

There is still no news about the funeral for Little Elise Johnson, the 5 yr old who was also killed. Last I heard her mother, Kelli Johnson, was still in critical condition.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

JUST LOST A HUGE POST AND I AM PISSED !! Sorry but I really get upset when that happens.......

Trudi - in my prayers my friend, in my prayers.

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, been busy all day out of the house and then when I got home our internet was down. Glad to catch up, took some time to read everything.

Sus, the families are in my prayers, such pain they are in.

Carol, so glad to know that Kim is home, what a long time to be in the hospital and finally, Christmas for she and the Girls. May she continue to gain strength and endurance.

Rhonda and Betsy adn Trud, as we head into the month that turns you upside-down, I am praying for you all. that somehow, you receive some wonderful message allowing you to feel some kind of peace. There is never going to be a way to make it okay, our hearts are meant to ache over losses such as ours, and those that don't get it never will. Blessings.

Sherry, the bracelet does sound lovely, the little pink shoes for your Girl Lisa. Yes, so sad that two of the charms have both dates on them, so sad. But those charms mark a life that was here, a Child that made a difference in your lives, and so let them tinkle on your wrist, let others ask about them, tell their story, your story. Let their names loose in the hearts of others.

Peace on this adn each day,

dee

[aim630]

Carol-glad to hear Kim is home & will get to celebrate Christmas with her girls.

Trudi-Those last few weeks, days, will never be forgotten. It's just like Carol said, we couldn't "fix" this, no matter what we did, and we feel like we should have been able to. Thinking of you as you approach Mike's angelversary.

Betsy-Your friend has no idea what she is talking about (and I'm glad she doesn't), but since she doesn't, she has no right to tell you how you "should" be behaving. You have accomplished a lot in 2 years. I never thought I would be able to survive something like this, and although some days are pretty bad, I still get up the next day, and the day after, as you do. That is quite an accomplishment in itself. Also, thinking of you as Rich's angelversary date approaches.

Rhonda-That is completely unreal that you and your friend Susan both lost your sons within weeks of each other. I hope you can continue to support each other, especially through this next month. May Westley show you some kind of sign to help you through January.

Susannah-You've been through so much, yet manage to care for 3 young grandchildren. You fought to keep them safe. I really appreciate your "ramblings" as you call them. The hands free can opener made me laugh out loud! A young man in our area (17) was just killed in an auto accident 2 days ago. I cried as I read the story, even though I had never met him or his family. Just the thought that one more mother and father will have to go through this.

Dee-Your words of wisdom never fail to make me think. I can tell you are a good teacher and are good for the kids in your class. I love the idea of burning the sadness & your hopes where Erica last stood in your yard. You inspire me to try to be more positive, and celebrate the years we did get to spend with Ashley.

We had to go to calling hours tonight for a family friend (he was 79, with Alzheimer's). He and his wife lived next door to my mom, and were like another set of grandparents for my kids (and my brothers, who are 16 & 20 yrs younger than me). I managed to get through it ok, probably because his wife was not falling to pieces. If she would have been, I think I would have lost it. He had run away from home (due to the Alzheimer's) and had to be put into a nursing home, and she said it was kind of a relief to know that he was in peace now. The last time I had seen him was at Ashley's funeral, he went downhill quickly after that. I hope tonight he is with Ashley & my dad. He & my dad could talk for hours, and Ashley is probably rolling her eyes at them.

Also, I don't remember who first said they burned the dishtowel, but I do that all the time, using them as potholders. I just bought a new one, and within a week, managed to catch it on fire!

Good night all...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[westleysmom]

Amy and Betsy and all others to whom cooking is dangerous-just had to post that I caught the dishtowel on fire tonight when I discovered a pan in the oven after I'd turned it on to preheat. My SIL was in the kitchen with me and it was quite the scene. I would like to say that this is part of my new normal, but that would not be entirely true. This is part of my old normal that appears to be sticking around.

Dee-Glad you're back and hope your internet doesn't go down anymore.

Carol-So glad that Kim is improving and hope that she and her family have a great Christmas.

I owe Susan a letter, but just never felt up to writing this week and plan to try to call her tomorrow. I should have put a card in the mail, I'm so forgetful and this week has been so strange to me. I feel out of touch with reality sometimes, like I'm just floating along in a cloud of fuzzy thoughts and can't focus. Last week was so draining, I guess I just haven't gotten myself back on track. The thing that I've found out is that there is no schedule, and I think Dee told me that in the beginning when I first came here. There is no set of steps that you go through like those books say, at least not without going back and revisiting some of them every now and then. Somebody said that they had to tell a friend "This IS my life" and I have to tell myself that almost every day. This is my life, after Westley's death, but I still live. Its so much harder than I ever could have imagined, but its still my life.

Sleep well friends, and may your angels visit you in your dreams.

[rlolheiser]

The days have been so long... I had to cancel mom's appointment to the dr. as the weather is just to darn cold. I won't take her out unless she is really sick. Now the dr. won't see her until the 13. frustration

I have been reading everybody, and today i dont' know how to reply.

Trudi, my heart is thinking about you.. your posts are so touching.. I really wish there was a magic word to say to make things feel better, but there is no such magic.

Susannah.. I love your posts.. even if I don't always agree with what you write.. I hope you keep posting often.. I think it is great to hear what you think.. sometimes it is like your in my head and you make me not so lonely after all.

I took a pain pill and it is catching up fast.. today something happened that has just brought it all back.. that day Oct 30 2006 ... I got a letter in the mail for mom concerning her van (the one that wrecked that day) Ford says they are recalling that model. There is something that happens to it that can cause you not to control the van. May daughter dropped to her knees.. called the number and asked the person that answered if it could cause the van to lose control and roll... she looked at me and said, mom I dind't kill my daughter. and cried.. I dont' know what all is going to happen, my daughter contacted a lawyer.. and he told her to get the info from the Highway dept. the hwy dept said they would send her everything, including pictures.. I don't know if she can handle that..I don't know if I can handle it. I have heard some of you talking about the things you have seen.. I never wanted to see it... it makes me feel bad to feel that way.. I really don't know what to think or do.. I don't want to see it... but some reason, my daughter told me I have to. I don't know.. to many things in my head..

I love you all.. going to bed now

[ericasmom]

Leah, you go to bed and get some rest, perhaps tomorrow you can decide with a little sleep under your belt. I think though, that if the car is being recalled for a control issue, and your daughter lost control of the vehicle, it could be that she will be involved in some courtroom dates. I hope for the sake of all of you that that might come to be, that JaBoa's life and her death is calling attention to a problem that does not need to keep happening, she can lead the way. this could have a lot of good ramifications for your Daughter too, if the guilt is diminished, can she find the strength to go forward with a healthier attitude and self-image.

Amy, still you get up each day and yes, that is a lot. Everything one does while grieving takes twice as much energy as it did prior to losing our Children.

Betsy, we can sure add that stellar phrase into the book: OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!

Rhonda, way to go with the dish towels...Yes, some personality quirks remain after all. As far as not sending a card, you still can, it does not need to arrive on the date, she will receive a card from you with a knowing heart of just what it took for you to do such a thing when your heart is as shattered as hers. The Boys must be so very touched by the way you two care for each other knowing that what you share now is a most frightening and isolating event. Peace one day.

[mikesmomrs]

Leah: I agree with Dee...perhaps this revelation of the car's problems will help your daughter to come to terms with her grief and also to allow herself to grieve. Prayers are with you all.

Amy: One breath at a time, one getting up at a time...baby steps to start us on those long, unpredictable journey. We are here for you, always.

Rhonda: you are right, there is no schedule, no "plan" of how to move through this...only what is necessary for each of us to make it to the next moment.

My daughter Cathi came over tonight to pick up Jameson, and when she got here, she and I were going out to dinner. before we left, she said "well, your Christmas present finally arrived" and gave me a small package. It is the most awesome collection of love that she could have put together. It just blew me away, and of course, I broke down as I looked at it, catching my breath with each link. It not only shows her love and caring, it shows her clear understanding of how things are---she truly "gets it.". As always, she made sure that Mike was represented in this gift, and in such a loving way. It is a watch, made in the shape of a heart, with a Red Sox logo on the face...she had to have this face specifically made in order to get the heart shape, as well as needing to special order some of the links...the band is made up of "Italian charm links." Cathi is the only one who has ever called me "mum," and that is on it, and she also made sure that "Nana" (what most of the grandkids call me) and "Grandma" (what only Davis calls me) were on there. And the picture of the three of them, at a Halloween party...it is hard to see, but Kim is on the left, as a puppy, Mike in the middle as C3PO, and Cathi on the right as Dolly Parton. The link that has MUM on it, you can see the middle of each M is a heart. The picture of Mike with the memorial to him is just awesome and just finished me off into a total puddling mess! And the dragonfly's wings are purple, with overcast of blue...the purple is my birthstone...amethyst. I tear up everytime I look at this bracelet and all it represents.

love and peace to everyone,

carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

My goodness Carol - I can only imagine how hard it was to breathe with each charm unfolding your true loves. Cathi most definitely gets it.

Melissa has just emailed me to wish me a happy New Years. She has gone down with stomach flu and is in for a quiet night. For Christmas she gave me a Willow Tree Angel ~ The Angel of Hearts.

Steven and tribe are on their way here for dinner. We are trying to get into the local pub, but so is every other tourist!

Its about 39C here, there is a storm on the way, thunderbolts and lightening....can't wait.

As its already New Years Eve here, I will wish all my Indigo family a safe New Year. Take the new year one breath, one step, one heartbeat at a time, its only then will you see the softening of this raw pain that will from time to time rear itself without warning, but remember, the reason we hurt so deeply is that we loved so deeply..

Love to you all ~ Trudi and Sir MD

[kmb22]

Edit

[kmb22]

I just had to add, Carol the watch is absolutely beautiful, what an amazing and loving gift from your daughter. I've never seen anything like it before. Would you mind me asking where she had it made?

[mikesmomrs]

Karen: I was just checking in before I go to bed, and noticed your question. I am pretty sure she had the face of the watch made in China, and a couple of the links also. The picture links were made by someone stateside. I would have to get the info from her. Thank you for your compliments on it...I just can't stop looking at it, and every time I look at it, the tears spring out.

By the way, I do (as many here do) know the strength and love we feel from each one here is what truly keeps us going. And your posts are never too long...they are usually filled with compassion and support...never think they are too long.

Hopefully, going to bed now to sleep. Otherwise, the book will come out and I will read instead.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Just back from a brief but so heart warming visit with Steve and his family. They took me to dinner at our local pub, then I took them sightseeing around Venus Bay. Muttley led the charge onto the beach, both Zak and Jeya ignored the fact they had clothes not bathers on and splashed into the waves. I took them to see the house I am hoping to buy, please a lottery win would be nice. Then to the inlet for the sunset over calm waters. The kiss and hugs are like a balm to the soul. They are travelling back to their holiday place.

The warmer weather sees many families out walking tonight. Reminds me of the 'olden days' when walking with your family was just something you did.

Karen - on your side note. Losing my words was something that terrified me in the beginning. I was constantly comparing my mind with what it once was and what was left. Mutliskilling at a mind boggling level was part of my job as an EMD. Now brush the teeth, rinse and then I'm lost.

The recent 'brownouts' are part of it. Couldn't find a word to begin with then the thought left shortly after and I just stared. More frightening now for others around me, me not so much.

Quietly sitting back with Sir MD who is wet and covered in sand...compliments of my son in retaliation for letting his kids paddle

Night all ~ see you in 2011.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Carol - I love the watch! So much thought and love were put into it. I didn't even know something like that could be made. I'm still trying to figure out how I want Stephanie's banner to made so she can hang with the rest of our angels.

Leah - Blessings, blessings, blessings! What a heavy load your daughter carries. My prayer is for the light of truth to shine into the hearts of the car makers and their attorneys and that only they will have to look at the pictures and the evidence.....that justice prevail and they settle this out of court with dignity and grace. My prayer is for the healing balm of truth and love to enter your daughter's heart to remove the guilt and thus help her move forward with her making healthier choices. My prayer is that the angels of grace and mercy fill your home and relieve the burden you have carried so valiantly for all of your family......that is my prayer, if it be for the highest good.

I like what you said about ADD and the need to write it out or talk it out, Karen. That makes more sense to me. I used to be an extrovert, now I don't know what I am. I enjoy people, but I enjoy being alone, too. Gary will listen to me as I sort through my thoughts verbally. He knows I'm litigating a defense and prosecution outloud until I come to my own conclusion, which is subject to change. Sometimes I just get on my own nerves!!

It is a frigid minus 4 this morning with more snow in the forecast. The good thing about this cold and snow is the wind isn't blowing.

Oh. For those of you who are new and might want to visit Stephanie's memorial, it's at Stephanie-Keck.Virtual-Memorials.com (I think. It might be the other way around, Virtual-Memorials.Stephanie-Keck)

I've found more pictures of her to download to her site, I jsut haven't done so yet.

Love to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Books: "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" both written by Michael Newton. Far fetched ideas that make the most sense to me.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Carol what a lovely creative gift Each piece formed in love . What a treasure

Trudi and Karen , Rhonda yes, I too am one that could multitask and now cannot remember words or the end of a TV show I saw last week. I do believe it is because I am not all there and most of me is some where with my re memories.

Leah I do hope that the trouble with your daughter's van will help to relieve her of some of the unnecessary guilt

Dear Indigos I just want to thank each of you for being here . In sharing your pain, joy, sorrow and love so genuinely I have been enabled to move thru 2010 with courage and sometimes a smile.

Each time I connect with my Indigo family I know I will be understood just as I understand and loved just as I love

Have a Blessed End Of Year and my Prayer for each is that 2011 will find us all here continuing to support each other.

Peaceful New Year to all.

[shorty16]

Indigos

Yesterday was very hard. I feel like I took 200 steps back. We had Christmas at my sister-in laws and all Scott's family was there - Nathan, our nephew, is 3 months younger than Brian. I cry everytime I see him. Which is not that often - poor kid.

Nathan drew a tree with multi-colored lines - beautiful. He framed it and wrote a passage about Brian and the colors he is now seeing in heaven. I cried - again. It is beautiful.

We had a good day, but very sad. Reality really sucks.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Betty

I could not have said it better - I second your motion of thankfulness to all on Beyond Indigo who share our loss.

A special thanks to the Administrators. Without you, we would be lost.

Thank you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mysonrich]

Thanks everyone. Geographically speaking I am back to where I was in 2008.Give or take a couple miles. I haven’t moved up any ladders career wise but have been acknowledged for my work. I assume that is what my friend meant. Why is it easy for people to forget our lose? Our nightmare. My biggest concern is not where I will be when I sell a house and find a warm place to live, as is heir’s. Sometimes I feel an undertow in friendships. Old friends. While we are fighting so hard to stay afloat, breath, walk, a comment of how we may not have progressed just pulls me down. I know where I have walked. Like Dee said, it’s HOW we move through out grief. Dee, auto-polit sometimes.

So Trudi, does that house you wish to buy have a guest room? You have given me an idea. Maybe I’ll head to the shore this weekend, if only for a day.

Carol, that is a great watch. It looks like Pandora charms?

Karen, I often forgot words and how to form a coherent sentence after Rich died.

Short-term memory was gone. Made work rather difficult at times but I did find, working it through helped. Felt helpless at times but memory improved. I was looking for a special paper to use as a wrap for small gifts for my co-workers shortly before Christmas

No one understood what type of paper I needed. I described to Sarah, see-through, colored, crinkley paper. ( eye roll) You mean cellophane? Ha ha That was it.

Leah, don’t look at the pictures. Some things we don’t need to see ever again.

Sherry, a sweet little pair of shoes for Lisa. The dash between the dates. Somewhere there is a song or poem about that dash. It contains the story of our lives. Our memory of our children. She will swing along with Davey and your other children.

Betty, it’s good to see Stephen today. I still smile when I think of the warm hands and warm stone. Any plans for tonight?

Susannah, talk away. Thank you for writing to me the other day. Your words allowed me to search within myself and pull myself back up. Sometimes I think we all fail ourselves in neutering of selves. I good talking to is always a good thing. Constructively of course.

The hurtful words of others can obscure what we have shared with others. Our strength.

My brother called yesterday. His wife had a mastectomy and they had to remove some muscle. Laura has been battling this cancer for over a year and it has returned. He told me he had a head cold and puked in the hospital parking lot. Not from the head cold but from nevers, worry. He didn't say that but I knew. His boy, Patrick, died at 13 years old from a

liver cancer not normally found in young children. This was in 1999. If you would all remember them both in your prayers please.

Well, look who rambled away today. I’ll see you all later.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, Auto-pilot is one way and I for one am thankful for that mode. Thankfully walking and daily kinds of activities are on autopilot beacause those first few months/years are filled with so much shock and distraction and in my opinion, brain injury. I felt that my brain suffered a huge injury along with my heart, soul, spirit. The short term memory was injured, word retrieval also was/is damaged. I have always had learning disabilities, and lets face it, our age insists on some of this too, word and short term memory, but the shock and sadness that rocked our worlds certainly is a big part of it. That first year...holy cow the lack of correct words.

Carol, that gift from Cathy is gorgeous, simply perfect. I am grinning from the notion of her having this made to order for her Great MUM.

It is odd outside, my beautiful snowfall is all but gone, the white roofs are now just roofs, as the temps weirdly climb to 50 or more and then plummet tonight. Glad to not have to be on the roads this eve. John's uncle who lost his Serina, will join us for a meal this evening adn then we walk 4 houses down to a party.

Col, sounds like Nathan gets it too, which is pretty wonderful knowing his age and how hard it is for you to be around him. What a lovely gift. Sorry you are hurting but usually going back 200 steps or however many allows you to find something on the return trip. I hope that it is golden.

Blessings all in beginning a new year. Don't be too hard on yourselves as you find your way into 2011, know that each of us is only a keystroke away as Bonnie once said, we walk together into a new year.

[rlolheiser]

The last day of 2010, in a way I am happy, and in other ways I am saddened.. strange feelings watching life go by these days. I have been thinking of where I was last New Years Eve.. I was so extremely down, I went to buy a bottle to drink.. I think I had one shot (pepperment schnapps) and put it away.. I remember dumping it out in July.. it wasn't even a very big bottle, I just remember wanting to give up and thinking that if I started to drink again life would be easier to handle. You were all here to help me through that time, and I really think if I hadn't been here, I would have gone back to the drink. This year, I have no desire to drink.. not even one.. for that I am thankful. I realize there is so much more to handling our emotions, good and bad.

yesterday was so different, my husband actually talked to me about our grandaughter. I told him about the letter and what my daughter felt. He looked across the table at me and told me, " I remember the morning when she left, she hugged me and said I love you grandpa" and the tears in his eyes told me so much. This was the first time in 4 years he would ever talk to me. He evaded it at the funeral, cause he left me there in her hometown, and when I came back it was only.. "she is gone and there is nothing we can do" or something mean about my daughter's driving. He then talked to me about all the times she went to work with him, and all the mischief she got into.. (one time she let the neighbor's horses go) so many things that made that little girl so special.. the time she told her grandpa's mom that she is her grandaughter.. just so many beautiful memories..

ok.. I have been interrupted. and have to run.. but I wanted to share this.. I will try to get back on...

I did want to say when I was watching the news this morning and saw Australia go into the new year, I thought of you TRUDI, and MICHEAL.. that there are so many miles between us..but heaven made you right here by me..

ok.. hopefully I will be back later..

so many things on my brain :-)

Happy New Years Eve!.. kinda sounds impossible.. but try

[lolynbo]

HATES NEW YEARS...ANOTHER YEAR WITH OUT MY GIRL

[ericasmom]

.but heaven made you right here by me..

Leah, your voice is so filled with insight and beauty...so glad that this new year offers something more, your husband's ability to speak JaBoa's story, how nice, no desire to drink, a gift. HOORAY!

[carriebear]

Hello Indigos,

I had all kinds of thoughts to share in my head when I logged on...now my mind feels like a hamster running round in his wheel, going nowhere.

Betsy (I think) you mentioned the poem about the dash, I had the very same thought so figured I'd share it...

Goes along with the knowledge that our angels are so much more than the one day that found them no longer on this plane. Maybe sending this movie via e-mail or FB to those thoughtless, even cruel folks, could at least give them pause before they open their mouths & inflict pain...we can only hope.

My love to each of you~

Carrie

http://www.thedashmovie.com/

[mikesmomrs]

Just a quick word (and for me, that's a conundrum...:-))...

Not to lessen Leah's intent of saying these beautiful words to Trudi, but Leah beautifully said "but heaven made you right here by me.." I think that is an accurate description of all us, to all of us. A beautiful way to describe our connection, brought about by our awesome angels, going into this new year.

I pray a year of smoother roads on this journey, more discoveries of our own strengths, more sweet memories to accompany us as we breathe our way through each day, and the continued sense of "connection" and beautiful kinship that we share with each other.

love and peace to all of my fellow travelers, carol mikesmomrs