Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

SHELLY...IM SORRY I SO NO HOW YOU FEEL BEING ROBBED...WE CLDNT DO A DAMN THING ABOUT OUR GIRLS CANCER, JUST TO WATCH THEM WASTE AWAY...HUGGS MY FRIEND..

[kmb22]

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[lolynbo]

IS ANYONE ELSE HAVING TROUBLE UPTN UP

ALSO ANY GOOD KINDLE BOOKS YOU THINK ID LIKE

[Crystal16]

Hello All,

I wanted to stop by and check in and make sure the Indigo family prevailed "regardless if we cried, screamed or were to numb from the pain" to press into this past weekend.

No snow in Florida but really cold... I hope everyone stays warm.

[westleysmom]

Crystal-Loved the beautiful rose and picture of your sweet Ashlee. I hope you are making it okay too.

Betty-If you get out, you be careful. I'm sure the frame will be full of lovely rememories to help you through the days. Sorry about your Giants, the Titans were having quite the "off" day too.

Susannah-I always thought I was a woman of faith too. Until last January 13. And I have those cynical thoughts run through my mind all the time and wonder why I can't be who I wanted to be. Why God let this happen, when he knows me and knew what it would do to me. I woke up Christmas morning thinking that maybe God wanted to teach me something through this, see what I would be able to make of myself in the face of this unspeakable loss. I'm sure I've disappointed Him, I've disappointed myself and my standards are a lot lower than His. But we do the best we can and that's all we can do. I hope He understands.

Dee-I always love your poems. Thanks for sharing them with us.

Trudi-I hope you get a day of summer and that Muttley is feeling better.

Karen-I'm sorry your family is so not supportive. There was a famiy "thing" last night of extended family and we just didn't go. All the cousins are about Westley's age and I just didn't want to be there, so I didn't go.

Shelly-So sorry for your hard holiday as well. I hope it gets easier, but I'm afraid that they (the Holidays) just get over with, which is a blessing, albeit a small one.

Lorri-I'm glad you were able to hostess your family get-together and have a pretty good time. It sounds like all enjoyed themselves. I don't have a kindle, but they sound neat.

Leah-Try to take it easy and stay off the foot as much as possible.

Take care all. I have to go back to work tomorrow and not one minute too soon. Even if I sit at my desk and cry, at least I'll have something to do most of the day that really needs doing and it helps me not to think too much.

Love to you all

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I just lost my whole post, also, trying to upload photos...guess something is not working right. I will post again later tonight. got to get dinner ready.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Well, maybe these will post...

Mike's boys, with Sarah...left to right...Kameron, 13, Sarah, holding onto Damon, 6, and Chandler, 14

Chandler, Kameron and Damon

[aim630]

Today at lunch my coworkers were complaining about their adult sons being irresponsible (not holding down jobs, bad relationship choices). My boss said she didn't understand why God was putting her through this. I wanted to tell her that although I was sorry she was worried about her son, at least she could still hear his voice & see him smile. Then she looked at me & said "Aren't you glad you don't have to go through this?" I wanted to say to her "Wanna trade???" I would do anything for that chance again with Ashley. Ashley was a good kid, but was not responsible with money. She registered for college several times, but ending up missing classes and dropping out. Right before she got sick we had a huge argument at my mom's about her learning to be more responsible, so I didn't have to keep putting money in her account so she would not overdraw it. I feel so bad now. It's not like she can get a bad credit report now. If I knew her life would be so short, I would have told her to have fun, and not worry about the bills.

Susannah-I understand completely about the anger with God. When I hear someone saying they are praying for something, I want to say "good luck. God is going to do what he wants anyway, no matter how hard you pray". Then I feel guilty for thinking that. I just want to see God and ask him "Why me???". Then I remember you all have been through the same thing, and when I hear about that poor 5 yr old who died during what was supposed to be a fun outing, and I realize "Why not me?". But I still am jealous of those intact families.

Lorri-My husband got me a Kindle for Christmas. So far I've just downloaded the first chapter of some bestsellers for free. That way I can decide if I might like the book before I buy it.

Karen-I purposely avoided Christmas music this whole season (one station was playing it November 1st, and was still playing it yesterday). I am ready to take down the tree, but will probably leave it up a few days.

Well I need to get off and clean up some of this mess.

Goodnight all Indigos,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

What's for dinner Carol? I am having eggs I think, or oatmeal, working off some of the meals we ate over the holiday. I hope that you are all well and that the utilities hold out through the storm, hearing just now on National News that you are experiencing the sub-zero wind chills. Karen, Betty, Betsy, Carol, Bonnie, and MaryAnne if you are still on the east coast, take cover. HOt chocolate and warm socks are in order. No football again due to weather and each time this season it has had to do with Minnesota. Hilarious. But hey, look at those Bears yesterday, sorry NY. We will be playing Colleen's team next week-Green Bay.

It is mine and John's 12th anniversary and he is at the hospital with his sisters while his Mom is undergoing surgery. I was going to go over and keep him company, though he said, no, just be home where it is warm and have a nice quiet night. Selfishly, that is what I will do. I have many things to work on, school stuff, presentation stuff, and the house is a mess. I will give him the gift I have for him when he gets home later on. This afternoon, the doorbell rang and there was a young man holding a gorgeous vase of flowers, big woodland white roses with small red roses, some other small blooms yet to bloom and some greenery. So pretty, fresh smelling too which is a PLUS in the winter. The card indicated that this was the first of 12. So each month, I will receive a bouquet. What a great gift.

Lorri, I don't have a kindle, but if you like to read fiction, try reading How High the Moon by Sandra Kring. I think that you will laugh and cry, written so well. Though I have no idea of which books are available to kindle, but if Sandra Kring is, everything she has written might interest you. I loved each book. Also, Anne Lamott, she too is irreverent and wonderful, funny and an excellent writer. If you are up for memoir, read Abigail Thomas-Three Dog lIfe. If you want laugh out loud crazy? David Sedaris. Anything by David Sedaris.

Rhonda, glad that you were able to stay away from the gathering last evening, it is important to find ways to protect your hearts, those of us longer on this road know this and that is why I said earlier that it is self-saving. Those instincts are very important, allowing you to function in this world. By the way, thanks Karen, glad that you can see the difference between what some will term selfish and what usually turns out to be self-preservation. Our Angels root for all of us to learn ways to live as best we can, knowing it is very hard to be on this side when they have crossed to the other, so I imagine them saying, "Hooray for you for finding what is going to work best today."

Next year may feel different for some, but to know what to do now, in this day to best take care of your souls and spirits is KEY.

[ericasmom]

Amy and Carol you posted while I was busy writing/ Amy, your boss should have felt a lightening bolt zip through her arm or something for saying so ridiculous a statement. Her statement may have to be put in the future book, OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!

Yikes, what insensitivity. I am sorry that you had to go through that.

Why not me? My friend said that about the WHY ME breast cancer walk, she did not walk in that one after surviving breast cancer because of the title. Why not me is how she felt. Which leads me to my feelings about GOD. I have never felt that GOD did this to anyone. I guess my system of belief is that God created but free will and circumstances and accidents and environmental issues and illnesses can take away, God providing a place, a heavenly place in which to spend eternity. the giver of life, not the taker, the provider. God did not make Erica get hit by a train, or plant an illness in a child, nor can he stop those events from happening. I guess my feeling is that we have life and those most lucky live it long and fairly pain free, others leave early or live hard lives but eventually meet up again in heaven. It may sound or read simplistic, but it is what makes sense in my heart.

Carol, that Mike gene sure is a strong one, those Boys all owning big helpings of their Daddy. Thanks for sharing. Sorry you lost your long post. Hey, how is your Daughter adn your Sister?

[lolynbo]

thanks dee WHAT ABOUT BOOKS LIKE 90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN TYPE BOOKS?...ANY IDEAS..OR ON LIFE AFTER DEATH, ANGELS?....

CANT LOAD PICS GETTN MAD FIX IT

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

It is really cold here in NYC I tried to go out this evening to see a friend and the wind was so bad it nearly blew me off my feet , I turned around and came home It just was not that important.

Dee Happy Anniversary dear lady I loved the gift of 12 months of flowers to honor the 12 years Such a poetic gesture Hubby is a poet as well!!

Rhonda You are a beautiful person and I know that you have not disappointed God with your reaction to the loss of Westley. I do think that this loss has made me more gentle and compassionate and maybe that is the purpose of this pain.

Amy I agree what a terrible thought for this woman to share with you .

Carol Thanks for the lovely pictures I do enjoy seeing Mikes boys especially my sweet Damon

Betsy Please let us know you are OK

Lorrie I loaded pictures before without a problem I will try now and see what happens

Stay warm Indigos and do not go out and be blown away

[ericasmom]

Betty, I agree, husband is a romantic to be sure. Thanks for the wishes.

I love the photo. Is that Stephen with the gumballs? Are you seated behind him or on the couch? Two women look like you and I do remember that your Sis looks like you. Both so pretty. Glad that you turned around, I heard that there are still gusts up to 50plus mph in NYC. I also heard that 27 inches of snow was measured in Central Park. Should be beautiful to walk through when the wind is gone, maybe tomorrow.

Do any of you watch The Closer. It is on tonight, my favorite show, only on for 5 weeks in winter and 5 in summer.

[hotrod]

Hi Dee

Yes that is Stephen with the gum balls. I am sitting behind him then my husband, my dad, my sister and mom. Happy rememories

I will put this one in my frame

I hope Lorrie solves her problem with the picture posting.

Yes tomorrow will be a better day to walk

[ericasmom]

That is a great photo memory to be sure Betty. I see some of Stephen in your husband, is it the expression in the eyes? Eyebrow raised? Very handsome and I know very dear to your heart.

[summergirl]

Well, my hubby has shoveled out his truck and work van, not too bad as the wind has been blowing so hard that it drifted alot and thankfully not in front of the vehicles. Still very cold and windy but I don't mind as I don't have to work and no school so Tavian and I will have a day or 2 of inside stuff and then venture out.

Oh my, I think I would have done a smack down on that woman for saying "aren't you glad you don't have to go through this" - I cannot even begin to put into words how someone could say something that insensitive....defintely one for the book...

Trudi - praying for Mr. Muttley.....keep us informed. Hope the summer weather comes your way soon.

Dee - happy anniversary... I too am so glad Christmas is over and past for another year.....

Lori - I couldn't put pics on either but will try again tonight and see what happens.

The flickering lamp - love it !!!

I will say goodnight and peace to all....Kathy

[mikesmum]

Betty - Those are prized memories, Stephen you and his dad in the one picture. Framing and placement so special.

Dee - Congrats to you and John (the Gnome). To make it through so much and still be together is somewhat of an achievement. Stay rugged up with a light on, I'm sure its something John is looking forward to having been with his mum throughout. Thoughts to with you too.

Carol - Your DNA is about as imaginative as ours. Those boys have their dad's eyes and I'm guessing his sense of humour. They are handsome no doubt, and all have grandmas heart I'm sure. The little cutey is so precious, a time marker for you too.

We think we have located part of Sir MD's problem. After scouring the grounds for plates etc we found sticky date pudding plates that would have been laced with rich butterscotch sauce. Not a puppy food. He is moving more and has not pooped or vomitted today so fingers crossed.

He spent the afternoon with Mal's mum. His dad was ill this morning so we dropped in. He's 82, diabetic, COPD, ceoliacs (sp) and has had a bypass. His face lits up with Muttley...as does anyone who comes into his life.

Mal was due back on duty today but took a 'mental health day'. Its called carers leave. He decided that out of his 6 days off we probably spent 1 day together and that was getting things organised for the various get togethers. He doesn't take time off easily.

Melissa gave him a DVD that has impacted on him deeply. She worked at the Austin (my trainging Hospital). Its a hospital similar to VA hospitals in the states. This DVD was aimed at 'debriefing' the servicemen/women who having been in the service have trouble re entering civilian life. After watching it Mal seemed to realise that leaving the army and joining the Ambulance service he hasn't been a civilian for most of his life. Really rocked him. He has been 'comitted' to service. Explains so much to both of us. The training and the conditioning undertaken to perform the job doesn't equate with the normal human condition...

So today, he tested the waters. He didn't get into his uniform and charge off to save the world. He slept late, ate late and walked the shops with me. Sadly it only lasted till 6pm when he goes back on call for the next 8 days, but hey its a start.

I'm hoping your are all holding tight to those memories and that the tears and breathlessness is easing.....it does come back, it will soften and they are never ever ever forgotten..

Beach tomorrow. Steven and his family are staying close to where I live so we are spending New Years Eve together ~ something we haven't done since is was in single digits ....

[Guest msnher]

Carol - There is definitely a family resemblance from Mike to his sons. Little Damon is cute as can be.

Leah - How's your ankle?

Dee - Happy Anniversary!!

Trudi - I hope Muttley continues to feel better. Date pudding? That would clean anyone out. I'm glad you and Mal had a peaceful day together.

Betty - Love the picture of you, Stephen and your family from a Christmas past. I hope you're staying warm!

Sherry - Thinking of you and wondering how you are.

Amy - Yep, one for the books.."you didn't just say that." "God bless the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid."

I haven't been mad at God since the dream of my visit to heaven. I haven't worried about disappointing God for a lot of years. His disappointing me can certainly make my life a bit uneasy. Since my dream my feelings are similar to what Dee describes. I just don't know how to hang onto my belief when trouble hits. That's why I said I sure hope it makes sense on THAT side of death because it doesn't make sense on THIS side.

I sort of threw Gary under the bus when I said he gave me a can opener for Christmas. My intention was to try to make Leah chuckle about her own Christmas. He DID give a can opener as well as several other gifts. A can opener? Really? Does he expect me to use it? Is he implying he'd like me to cook more? Perhaps just open a can of soup? His heart was in the right place. He bought a hands free opener that will easily fit in the kitchen drawer. I finally opened something just so I could tell him it does, in fact, work. Now I know how he must have felt when I bought him the digital tire gage.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I will try my post again...

Dee: Congratulations on the anniversary, as well as the sweet, romantic husband who is sending you physical evidence of his love for you for the next twelve months...what a sweetheart he is! Give him a hug for me... I do agree with your assessment of faith and beliefs...I don't think that God "does" anything "to" us or takes anything from us...I have always believed that He is there for us, to help us through. Of course, I have questioned the why, etc., but questions just make me more uncomfortable sometimes, so I will just go with my gut and my gut tells me that God would not inflict pain on my heart on purpose. Simplified, I know, but a thought I am comforted by.

Trudi: Glad that the plate was found...may be the key to Sir MD's discomfort...hopefully he is on the road to being his old self again soon! Mal's watching that film...maybe some seeds of thought were planted and more "mental health days" will be taken in the future...a step at a time... Have fun at the beach tomorrow with Steven and his familiy...ring in the new year with hope and promise...

Betty: With all that snow in central park...bundle up warm! Glad you turned back to home when the wind was so cold as you ventured forth...perhaps tomorrow it will slow down some. Love the pic, and the memories.

Amy: No words for such ignorance...not even worth a look...someone who would say such a thing would not even get it...hopefully, never will.

Lorri: I had trouble loading my pics, but eventually got it done by losing my original post. Perhaps there is a glitch somewhere. Did you send a message to Eric?

Betsy: How are you doing?

Colleen: How did the days at home this year go?

So many new people on BI this year, still with heart-piercing newness to their profound loss of their precious child...so very sorry that you have to go through this "first" and feel such loss and pain...the loss is always there, but as others have said, over time, the pain does soften...we are able to breathe again, we even one day laugh again, though that first time is filled with guilt immediately following that moment of joy...how can we laugh when our child is no logner here? Well, it is a blessing, for sure, and a blessing that likely that precious child is sending to you, for they want you to go on with your life, they want you to find joy again. They do, truly.

I talked with Kim today and she is doing better, though still not well enough to be told any thoughts about going home. Her "plumbing" (cholostomy bag) is working agian, but not efficiently. Doctor told her today that things need to "thicken up" before they can release her. Meantime, she has been restarted on her pre-surgery Crohn's meds...about 5 or 6 things total...something she totally did NOT want, but if that's what it takes, then that is what must be done. She sounded better when I talked with her today. The girls are missing her something terrible, but doing okay. My sister, whose birthday was today (Monday--she turned 83) came home from the hospital this morning. She also is doing much better...seems she had an atrial fibrillation event and didn't know it, along with the severe cold that affected the COPD to the point that her oxygen level could not be raised above 88. things are okay, now, though. We will be visiting her for a belated birthday gathering on Sunday, the 2nd, at my SIL's, weather permitting. thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers for both Kim and Dorothy.

We have Damon tomorrow, and he is going to spend the night...we are excited. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE waking up to that beautiful child and his cute precious face and his infectious joy at another new day! We haven't had him overnight since last Christmas. That was the night that he slept on the sofa, and the next morning woke up and there was a beautiful little, fuzzy heart laying on the table right next to where he was sleeping...that was NOT there the night before when he went to sleep...he was so excited about it! It is sitting on a branch of our tree this year and when he saw it the other day, he recognized it right away.

the boys and I drove over to his house last night, as Sarah did not want to bring him out with the threatening storm...Ralph stayed home because Mike's friend, Denis, was coming over to watch some MASH with him. All three boys have not been together in a while, and they had such a good time. It started snowing just as we got there, and came down rather quickly, so when we left we had to drive very slowly to take the older boys to Kameron's house, where they were spending the night together. By the time I left them off, the snow was pretty scary, and my drive home was rather nerve-wracking. At one point, I drove by a motel, and honestly considered pulling in and checking in for the night! However, I persevered, and once I got back onto the roadway where there was lighting on each side, it wasn't so bad. So glad to just stay home today and veg in the warmth of the house.

And, speaking of hearts....Jamie gave me the most beautiful Christmas present...a collection of hearts he purchased at the "Macro Polo" store in Portsmouth...a touristy town nearby with sweet little shops, and he found these in this shop...

And Cathi, who knows my heart well, gave me a little book that she said "fell into her path" at the book store. She had ordered a present for me that had not come, as late as the day before Christmas eve, and she was in the bookstore, getting something for Jamie, when this book fell off the shelf into her path and tripped her, as she was wandering around Barnes and Noble. The title is "When God Winks at You" and is about faith and seeing those connections that God will send to you, whether they be through and for a lost loved one or through some other means...on the cover of the book is a drawing of a leaf, barely hanging on to a branch, seemingly the last one on a totally bare tree...the leaf is red, and in the shape of a heart...the red heart-shaped leaf is what caught her eye when the book fell in front of her...

I have been thinking of all of you over this weekend, and I know that for many the weekend being over is a blessing...Karen, I am so sorry about your family's expectations of you...it is just unreal what goes on, isn't it... Someone else mentioned that they couldn't stay when the adult children and their children came in and had to leave...totally understandable...totally.

signing off with love and peace to all of my wonderful indigo friends...thinking of all of you and holding you close in thought and prayer...

carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Indigos

Shortyly after Brian's death, our Pastor (Lutheran) said something to us that I still treasure to this day. She said, "God did not take Brian, he received him."

Brian was killed because of a free-will choice made by all 3 boys-2 walked away.

I think of that statement all the time. Brings me peace.

Hello to all my Indigos

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Here is another one for our book "Oh No You Didn't Just Say That"

Amy's co-worker was complaining about her adult child and said to Amy Aren't you glad you don't have to go through this

Amy, you are so controlled. I would have went HOCKEY on her @ss.

That's just me

Colleen

[Crystal16]

Colleen- I absolutely love that thought... Ashlee was received, not taken. I have to admit my faith has been rocked!!! I truly believe GOD would not allow such horrible things happen to our Angels. I must remind myself "daily" GOD is there to guide them into his heavenly kingdom.

Carol- I love Portsmouth stores when I lived in Maine it was one of my favorite places to shop. My sister, Shannon just found out she has early stages of MS so she is heading down to Boston, Mass, to seek councel from a specialist and also shop at the BIG stores.

Dee- Happy Anniversary!!! I hope some day my heart allows me to love again...

It is very cold in SW Florida I woke to frost on my car windshield that I had to scrape off.

[westleysmom]

Amy-When people say stupid **** like that, its easy to see how other people do go HOCKEY on them, as Colleen says. Why is it that people who have no idea think its so damn easy to bury your child? Westley had a time with money and going to college, too. He didn't really care about money that much, and even less about an education. But I would give anything to be loaning him some money to get through lean times. I'm so sorry for your boss's insensitive remark and if at all possible, try to stay away from their "venting" sessions, for your own peace of mind.

Carol-I'm glad that you made it home safely. Loved the pictures and am glad that Kim is feeling a little better. My Mama (also a Dorothy!) has A-fib events, I had to go with her last week for a stress test at the heart dr because she's been having some episodes lately. I hope your sister is feeling better in time for her birthday celebration. Let us know how the book is. I don't feel that God is winking so much as He closed His eyes to my pain, but that's just me.

Dee-HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! The flowers sound so pretty and you have more to look forward to. What a nice gift. I hope that John's mother is doing okay and that your evening alone (not selfish at all) was peaceful.

Trudi-Mal has "save the world" syndrome? Who would have thought? I hope he can see that you need him too and takes more time off to just be with you. Enjoy the beach and give Muttley a hug (but no more date pudding for him!)

Kathy-Stay warm and enjoy your time off with Tavian.

Leah-Hope that you are doing okay and staying off that foot as much as possible.

Susannah-I have been having trouble with cooking lately myself, but I need a new griddle instead of the can opener (we always use a manual can opener anyway) I didn't ask for one for Christmas so I could be sure and get the one I wanted. At least with a griddle, you can make pancakes and grilled cheese, practically all the food groups.

Betty-Loved the picture of your family from 1969. Did you get all your pictures onto your digital frame? I have one of those, but have only stuck my picture card in the side to use it. And I haven't even done that lately. Be careful if you get out walking. Thank you for your kind words too about God and I hope some day to overcome my cynicism and resentful attitude with a kinder, gentler one like your's. Its just so hard sometimes, hell, all the time.

Colleen-Thanks for sharing that remark from your pastor. I just have such a hard time reconciling the all-powerful nature of God with the "Why did you let this happen?" in my heart. So He is all-poweful and could have stopped this from happening, despite the bad choices my son made, but He didn't? Why didn't He stop it? It seems I'm stuck there with no answer. Maybe someday I will be able to get past the deafening silence when I ask the question Why? but I don't know that it will be anytime soon.

Back at work today and lots to do at the end of the month, quarter, year. A year I am glad to bid goodbye to, hands down the worst of my life so far. Stay warm and have a peaceful day, dear friends.

[Guest msnher]

Rambling again...

When my granddaughter's other grandma hit a patch of black ice, lost control of the vehicle, and the vehicle rolled....throwing her (the grandmother) and one of the adult passengers in the vehicle from the vehicle. I understand that. That kind of accident makes sense. We call it a miracle that they lived and that the two children and other adult weren't hurt. God and the angels get the credit.

When my 18 month old grandson got too close to the campfire and fell in and he was burned but it could have been so much worse, we call it a miracle. Hell. I can even understand the accident. Understanding and agreeing are two different things.

When my friend recounted how a friend of hers with six small children in the vehicle, none of them buckled (back in the day we didn't have to) rolled three times and NO ONE got hurt we call it a miracle. Again, God and the angels get the credit.

But, when one accomplished skier crashes into another skier who is an instructor with her child who is also in the excellent skier category (who was wearing a helmet) we call it a tragedy and God gets to be the good guy who receives them. I guess he was all out of miracles for a moment.

I just don't buy it. God either is or he isn't. He is either all powerful or he isn't. Why can't we hold him accountable? Why can't we say "God did this?" Is it blasphemous? Is it too great an idea to conceive that an all powerful, all loving God might...just might...cause the destruction of what we perceive as innocent people? And, if he didn't cause it.....surely by not preventing it through his almighty God power he is just as guilty?

Why does God only get the credit when we perceive things as good? If our loved one is spared in an accident we thank our God. If the other person involved in the accident's loved one dies they look up to God and say "Why". Is it not the same God? Do we not all have the same Creator?

If God gets the credit for the good....he is surely just as responsible for the bad. Maybe what we perceive as good and bad is not the same as what he perceives as good and bad.

We can't perceive of a loving God actually inflicting or even allow us to be inflicted with the kind of pain we are going through. Why the hell wouldn't he? Maybe there is a bigger reason. Maybe there is order to all things. Maybe the way we see our suffering is not the way God sees our suffering.

I NEED my God to be all powerful, all loving, all knowing. Perhaps I walk in la la land, but if he is just someone who helps us when he feels like it or when we pray correctly then it brings to question his love. If he is not someone who interferes in the affairs of man then it brings to question the miracles we witness every day. Why prevent one tragedy and allow another? There has to be a reason.

For me faith and true relationship is believing there is a reason and he does not have to explain himself to me but I am not condemned or judged for asking him what the hell he's doing! It's going on a walk with my best friend and asking him a question and then looking at him and saying...."Why am I asking you that...you will do what you want anyway." Faith is believing what he wants is actually what's best because there is a higher purpose.

I don't just want to have the kind of faith that says I know God will catch me if I fall. I want to have the kind of faith that knows he just might drop me on my ass and it will hurt like hell, but there will be a reason. I want to have the kind of faith that says if God tells me to walk into a burning building I do it. Knowing I just might get burned, but there will be a bigger reason.

Ever since my dream I have believed it was up to us to stay plugged in to the almighty power I was able to witness. I still believe that. I mistakenly thought that being plugged in was sort of a blind faith that we just took what was dealt with no questions asked. Maybe someday we arrive at that point. However, I don't think asking questions or holding God accountable is not being plugged in. Blaming is still believing. I can't remember who said that....Karen, maybe?

I'm SO mad at you! I'm so disappointed in THAT decision. I can't believe you just did that. Or I can't believe you didn't stop that!

Questions we would ask in a true relationship. And, the whole time still being plugged in. I forgot that it is impossible to be unplugged. Because God IS God. Because God owes us no explanation. Because God does not ask our opinion or permission. Because God IS all powerful, all loving and all knowing he allows our anger and still holds onto our hand.

This terrible tragedy has affected our town and many people are hurting over it. Right now it makes no sense to me whatsoever. I can't imagine it ever making sense. But, then, I'm not God.

Even Jesus, in the garden of Gethsemane prayed that this cup be removed from him. As he hung on the cross dying after enduring hours of torture and humiliation, looked to his father and asked "Why have you forsaken me?"

We all know how that story ends.

If Jesus Christ could ask and question, why can't we?

That's all. Thanks for allowing me to ramble.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Trudi so happy to hear about Sir MD I know he is in good hands and he will be up and cheering up the ill in no time. Wonderful that Mal received an insight. That is a beginning

Sus Not to worry we all know that you were joking about the can opener and that Hubby is a gem

Carol Glad that you made it home and so appreciate the pictures of the Heart for Damon and the book that just fell off the shelf. What a lovely connection you and your family share The heart gift was lovely also

Rhonda I understand being back at work doing stuff and meeting deadlines. Keeps the focus off the loss and sadness for a short time. I agree the first year without our angels are the most difficult

Speaking of angels Last night when I was out in the cold and retuning home I remembered such a sweet incident with "Little Stephen" My hands are always cold even with gloves and when he was about 4 he hated coats and gloves and would not wear them. I insisted on a coat but would agree to no gloves because I said "His warm little hands did not even need gloves. . We were walking home one cold evening and he reaches into his pocket and hands me a rock and said "I have been warming up my rock with my "Warm little hands" so now you can hold it to keep your hands warm " Sweet re memories I love when that happens

Betsy, Colleen, Amy, Crystal. Karen.Dee , Kathy and all Indigos stay close

[ericasmom]

Hi All. Col, soon after ERz died, I had a moment like that of what your Pastor said, and it is truly what I believe. ERi was received, she gave us a visual of her holy departure as she headed heavenward. I felt she was received, she was home. Home again, home again, jiggity jig. I never felt God did this or God didn't prevent this. God is there, here, everywhere but not as apreventative, and no I don't believe that God is all powerful, I believe that God was/is maker and sustainer of heaven, and that if he were all powerful it goes back to the old beliefs that I have never bought into, of God-fearing. I don't fear God. IF God were all powerful, why aids, why wars unending, why starvation? No, the God that rests in my heart is full time inside my heart and beliefs, God is in the end, where we so joyfully depart, no matter how we go, no matter the kinds of prayers. This idea does not discount a plan or a sequence that is beyond my reconciling, but I have long believed that God is Good that God is there for all of us.

[lolynbo]

BRENT HOLDING HIS BABY SHOULDA BEEN HIS AND KOURTNEYS...

[ericasmom]

OH, have to add, I do believe in prayer as a means to send positive energy to our Angels, to our God, to the Universe. Prayer is healing in that we often- while praying, recover a bit of our beliefs that may have been lost for a time, and also allowing the goodness to overcome the fear for that time, we also are putting goodness out into the wild blue yonder, and it feels good to the one who is being prayed after to know of these prayers. I felt the prayers being said for ERica while she lay in the Trauma Unit, I felt as though they could almost be seen as strands, rosary beads reaching and criss-crossing the air and space. If she did not feel them then, she knows of them and I imagine those prayers let her feel the united love and hope in her honor.

[lolynbo]

NEWSPAPER CLIPPING I PUT IN SUNDAYS PAPER,

[Crystal16]

Lorri- Your Christmas wish and letter brought a tear to my eye.. Thank you for sharing.

[westleysmom]

Lorri-It turned out beautiful with the picture of your sweet girl. I'm still trying to decide what to do for Westley's Angel date coming up.

[Guest msnher]

Lorri - Bittersweet. The picture and the article.

Dee - It's certainly all interesting anyway. One thing's for sure, our angels know the answers we only guess at.

[lolynbo]

I HAVE DECIDED FOR KOURTNEYS BDAY AND PROB HER ANGLE DATE...IM RENTING A ELECTRONIC BILL BOARD...VERY AFFORDABLE..(LIKE WE CARE)...U MAY WANT TO LOOK INTO THAT FOR WES

[ericasmom]

Lori, a lovely heart-felt piece in the paper, a way to remember and to help others see the life that keeps giving to others through Kourtney's Kloset and through all of you. I do believe that memorials like this help others also to see that while the person is gone from this plane, our hearts are still thumping in our chests loving them.

Sus, I don't feel like I am guessing for answers, I have long felt that I don't get to know the answers until I am with Erica again, and until then, my quest is how to live in such a way as t o make her proud and to live it well. It is indeed interesting however, the many versions and ways that folks believe or do not. Like snowflakes again, each one of us different.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - I agree with you totally about prayer and positive thoughts.

[kmb22]

Edit

[ModKonnie]

NEWSPAPER CLIPPING I PUT IN SUNDAYS PAPER,

Lorri,

It's a very nice newspaper clip.

ModKonnie

[aim630]

Lorri-Loved the picture of Kourtney & the poem you put in the paper.

Colleen-Your comment about going "hockey" on her, made me laugh! What I actually said (which was almost as ridiculous as what she said) was "Who knows how Katie will turn out". I told her (Katie) that & she just laughed...I just didn't know what else to say.

Susannah & Dee-I am so glad you guys are here to share my feelings with, and to get your take on things. It makes me feel better to think that God didn't punish me or fail to save Ashley when he could have. I honestly never had these kinds of thoughts when my dad died, and I feel guilty for having them now. But as Karen said, blaming is believing.

Dee-Happy Anniversary-what a sweet gift from your husband.

Betty-Such a precious memory of Stephen.

Leah-I hope your foot is healing & you can get some rest.

Rhonda-I agree with you. 2010 has been the worst year of my life, and I am glad it is almost over.

I just get tired of being the strong one all the time. Some days I would just like to curl up in a ball on the couch, and do nothing but cry, but I can't do that.

Thanks for listening to me-as always, I read everything even though I may not comment on all of it.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

Hi Indigos.......Not on for a few days, and YIKES.....lots of catching up to do. Been busy installing a new internet security

software on my computer today. Got it done.......hope it's going to be OK.

Betty-----such a nice gift......the digital picture frame. You will have lots of memories to warm your heart.

Rhonda-----I so agree with you, that it is so very difficult to keep the sad, stark reality of our kids' deaths from

filtering back in even when we try to be positive, pray, etc. I know that sometimes I probably don't think it does much good

for me to pray, but I just keep doing it.....hoping for a little bit of comfort and peace. You are so new on this

lousy road we're on, that it is understandable that the mind just keeps denying that such a loss is reality. Peace, friend.

Trudi-----Sure hope that Muttley is feeling better.

Dee----HAPPY 12TH ANNIVERSARY ! Yep.....your husband is very thoughtful in presenting you with the flowers. Thanks

for the WEAVER poem......so very true....such good & heartfelt writing. So nice that when you walked in the woods, that you

called ERi's name out, and your sweet girl heard it, and thought....."my mom loves me".

Crystal----Lovely pic of Ashlee and the rose.

Sus----I guess my cold is gone.....thank goodness. Your dear Stephanie was definitely giving you a sign that she was right

nearby. Bless her.

Sarahsmom----Glad to see your post. Peace & comfort, friend.

Leah----Hope your foot mends real soon. It's nice that the kids enjoyed Christmas so much. I agree......good to get the Xmas

decorations/etc. down and put away. I still have mine to do.

Chris-----thanks for your kind words. May dear David's spirit stay close to you always.

Carol-----Thanks for the pics. The hearts are so nice......such a perfect heart-shaped leaf.....perfect color too. Prayers for KIM.

Colleen----I liked what you wrote that the minister said. Very comforting words. Thanks

Amy------OUCH------what that co-worker said. Most likely said without thinking, but painful just the same. Very insensitive. That

same type of statement was said to me one time.......I said...."Try MY life". Yep.....that remark the co-worker made could be put into

the book......

Lorri-----Such a nice memorial you put in the paper for sweet Kourtney. Bittersweet pic of the baby.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL HERE IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

Colleen-Your comment about going "hockey" on her, made me laugh! What I actually said (which was almost as ridiculous as what she said) was "Who knows how Katie will turn out". I told her (Katie) that & she just laughed...I just didn't know what else to say.

I LIKE THE SAYING "IM GONNA GO SPIDER MONKEY ON YOUR ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

SO HARD TO RING IN YET ANOTHER YEAR...LAST KOURTNEY KNEW IT WAS NOVEMBER 2007....

DEE HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU

[rlolheiser]

Hi to all my friends,

I am alright, the ankle still hurts but I haven't been taking care of it like I should. There is just to much to do. It is better, but come night time it throbs and yells at me

for being bad to it.

I had a call this morning telling me that one of my mom's nephews had passed away this morning. Mom was very close to him, and I had to break the news to her, she took it fairly good, she really wants to go to the funeral but it is on Friday and we are expecting 2 storms by then. I told her I can't promise, it would depend on the weather.

My cousin, is a year older than I am and had a tough life.. he has been fighting lung cancer for the last 2 years, the last time we were there he told us he had beat it, he even looked good, but I had a feeling he was trying to convince himself.

Dee, happy anniversary late.. wow.. lots of flowers.. my husband sent me flowers our first valentines day and that was it. :-) it is great to have such a thoughtful husband.. though i am not complaining.. mine might not shower me with flowers.. or sweet words.. but he takes care of business and I have learned over the years, it is his way to show love.

Sherry, I should get something for security on my computer, I just never think of it..I probably will when it is to late.

Amy, I think there are days we would all like to curl up on that couch with you, but as you say.. we gotta carry on.

Crystal, I have been watching the weather reports of Florida.. wow.. it is cold there.. we are used to it, but I know your not and neither are the crops that way.. I hope for warmer weather all around.

Many of you have talked about what happens to our beloved children. I like to think of the receiving side of it. I remember JaBoa's sister telling us right after the accident that the angels took her out of the van before it rolled over, and then took her sister. I guess they received her into God's hands.. God gets a lot of grief from everybody for everything. My oldest daughter is really good at telling me bad things happen to good people.. it makes us who we are.. (she has been through a lot) and she tells me she wouldn't change a thing because if one little thing was changed, she wouldn't have the life she has, and she is happy.

Susannah.. I really enjoy reading about your beliefs, it makes me think a lot about mine. Sometimes I need a kick in the rear.. I have lots of problems sometimes with my fates.. I know God is there.. I get mad.. yet love him at the same time.

Betty, how sweet of Stephen to share his warm rock with you.. a beautiful rememory

Lorri, I love the newspaper picture and poem.. so beautiful.

well.. I am losing it.. my mind is roaming.. and I can't read to keep up.. I will be back tomorrow sometime... tonight it is time to put my foot up... after mom's meds, and setting up stuff for tomorrow..

thinking of you all

[Guest msnher]

Leah - I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin. The problems with my beliefs is they change from time to time. I am the double minded man (or in this case, woman) who is fickle in all her ways. I am willing to listen to and consider any idea as a possibility. Whatever our beliefs, our angels know for sure and they send signs and messages to us of their presence.

Peace to you, my friend. Your load is heavy.

[summergirl]

Lori - love the poem and beautiful pic of Kourtney....

I still feel as though I cannot keep up with everyone - maybe things will get better once I have gotten through the Holidays and Jan gets here...but then I head into Feb and I hate that month - really hate it....Jess will be gone FIVE years on the 18th and my brother will be gone 8 years on the 28th. It just does not seem real to me that the time has passed so quickly and yet it seems like I just got the knock on the door that changed my life forever. Tavian and I went to the cemetery today, first time I have been there since October (I feel guilty about that) - Tavian got out of the car but I stayed inside, he brushed the snow off of her butterfly and frogs and then came back to the car and said "ok lets go", I said "one more minute" and he said "no, cause I don't want you to cry" - I said "too late" !! I let the tears fall but not as I wanted to because I needed to be strong for Tavian...not always easy. Anyway, I have all of you to get me through just like you always do.

Glad to hear Mr. Muttley is doing better and pray that he continues...

The house is coming together...I have been trying to attach some pics but it won't let me - maybe I am doing something wrong but I will try again...

Love you all and I know with a little time I will be able to get back into the conversations with all....Kathy

Homemade chocolate chip cookies - about 8 dollars, time and energy - Seeing the smile on Tavian's face when he ate the first cookie - PRICELESS.....

[summergirl]

OOPS !!!

[ericasmom]

I agree with Everyone Betty, the warmed by Stephen's hands rock story is lovely. He certainly thought about doing good things for his Beloved Momma.

Yep Sus, I think prayer is a strong energy that has the power of lifting one from despair to hope.

Leah, thanks for the thoughts, yes John is a very romantic and thoughtful man. Everyone shows their love differently. Most men in my life prior to John have been far less demonstrative. His knowing that seasonal flowers delight my senses and ordering them is very very dear to me. I am sorry that your cousin died Leah, how sad for you all. Blessings.

Kathy, the house looks great, love all the elephants under the table. I colooect elephants as well. And the photos too.

John's Mom has been moved from ICU surgery to her own room and she is healing and feeling better. Thanks for asking. So glad.

Goodnight All.

[mikesmum]

Well, I'm back at the beach and it would seem that the world comes here for the weeks from Christmas till the end of Jan. Oh well.

Muttley is doing well, ran the beach this afternoon with no problems. I on the other hand bought seafood and I think it might not have been quite as fresh as I would like.

Mal is back at work and doing what he knows. He will be here next Wednesday for 5 days.

Kathy - I'm with you. I don't do January well. Out of Christmas, Emily turns 12 then into Mikes 4th year...OMG did I just say its been 4 yrs.

Took random shots at Christmas. The grandies are opening presents. In the door way on the left is Steven ~ ORBS aplenty.

The other is Melissa and Jeya. Love that smile....

[mysonrich]

HI Indigos, just wanted to stop in and say hello. Christmas was very nice and quiet, almost. I had dinner with Sarah, which took me out of the hustle and bustle of the holiday at my Aunts. Her kids, their kids, you know. Sarah and I enjoyed a prime rib roast, Something different and she was having ham with her dad down the road. While checking the roast I grabbed a towel as a potholder. After, realizing it was on fire I threw it in the sink. SO sorry Sarah. She asked why? She has potholders! I don’t know

Betty, what a beautiful story, re-memory. I know it warms your heart now. Good that you have a digital frame. I shopped very late and they were sold out here. An after Christmas purchase I suppose. And cards? I sent 2, which arrived after. I’ll aim for New Years maybe. How did you make out with the snowstorm? My area missed the brunt, thankfully. I can still escape when needed!

Dee, Happy Anniversary!

Rhonda, I was asking the same thing just last night. I was outside and vocal. Not to yell but to ask out loud, “how could this be”. I just turned and walked back inside.

Susannah, I use manual can openers too. My sis gave me one for Christmas after listening to me struggle with the electric one while on the phone with her.

Carol. Richards first road trip at 4 months was to Pease AFB and Portsmouth and Conway. I have photos of us at The Cog RR. A very nice present from Jamie and sweet hearts of Damon’s. Great pictures too.

Amy, my Aunt often says that she won’t call her adult children and if she swore, which she never has, she would swear that they never call her. They do. A much different person from my Mom, a thought, reality, which I have to keep in mind. My Mom had a great sense of humor. Aunt’s, rather dry. Anyway, when Aunty tells me she won’t call or bother her adult children I want to say, “ I wish I could bother Rich”. I don’t but someday it just may slip.

Lorri, very nice Christmas wish.

Hi’ya Trudi!

Everyone, I’ll see you all later.

[ericasmom]

Carol, I love all of the hearts you received. The book popping out at your Daughter, falling into the aisle, well, there he is again that MIKE. Love the assorted hearts as well. I hope that Kim will be able to adjust to the meds and get back home soon.

Betsy, good to see your Rich's face smiling out at the world. I am glad that you and Sarah were together for a meal and some quiet together. I have burned many a towel and so I giggled at the thought. I would imagine it hard to not say something to the affect that you wished you could bother Rich with a call. I know other elderly folks and the attitude that many have about being old so others should make the time to call them is something i don't quite get.

Trudi, glad that you are back at the beach. I love the photos of the kids, was there an extra boy in the photos that I have no recollection of? Hmmmm. Love the ORBs. Sounds like you will have Mal to walk the beaches with next week adn I hope that that is good for all of you. Give Muttley a big fat hug. Happy New Year.

Yes, this year for many of you has been the worst year, closing it can be good for your souls. It does not mean not remembering, Lord knows you will always remember. I can say though, that 2003 was such a heartwrenching year for me, for us as that was when Eri died. On NYE of that ending year I wrote my sadness on one paper and my hopes on another, I went to the garden after midnight, it was cold. With a lighter, I lit the sadnesses and offered them to the wind, speaking to ERi and God and perhaps any neighbors that wondered what that nutty lady was doing. The embers flew into the night. I stood in the spot where Eri stood in July, the last day that I saw her pretty self, adn I burned my hopes, some embers to the wind, some lay right where I last saw her. Somehow, it felt like a way to end and begin again.

[Guest msnher]

This darn sinus head cold thingy! It comes. It goes. This morning I woke to it making a grand re-entrance. Headache, stuffiness, just icky feeling. No time to be sick this time around.

Betsy - I've grabbed towels and used them for pot holders, too. I hope you weren't hurt or burned.

Trudi - You have an adorable family. I just want to kiss Jeya's little cheeks. So cute! Love the orbs.

Angelversaries approaching rapidly. When Steph first died I dreaded the passage of time. It took me further away from the last time I saw her alive. Time seems to move faster for me since she died. Is that true for any of you? Such irony. In many ways time stood still that day and yet it is flying by.

I threw away the old electric can opener that Gary had hanging from the bottom of the cupboard when I painted the kitchen and began using a manual can opener. I thought it was just fine. Gary bought a small, battery operated, hands free opener. It's not quite hands free. When it's threw opening the can it shuts off and falls over, taking the can with it.

He also gave me several CD's of the Celtic Women. I love them! I can't imagine the heavenly choir sounding more beautiful. I gave him a Kindle and he is loving it! It looks very convenient, but it kind of makes me a little sad. I love books. I love the smell of the paper and ink mixed together. In my dream home I have a library full of all kinds of books. I don't have room to display all our books now. I make notes in a lot of my books or highlight sections that speak to me. As convenient as electronic books may be, I hope they don't totally replace paper. Ouch. I can hear the trees groan at me.

Kathy - Your Tavian is such a sweet boy! Dusting the snow from his momma's things and hurrying back to protect his grandma. These young ones who have experienced such heartache is so sad. I am sure they will grow into very compassionate adults. Sometimes the things my little ones say and do just amaze me. Such wisdom.

I don't know if I shared this when it happened. Several months ago, I was babysitting Kaylee and Little Curtis. 2 yr old Kaylee became very quiet and stood still for several minutes, staring at the collage of pictures on display of Aunt Stephanie. They had only met each other once. The serene, knowing expression on her face caught my attention. I knelt beside her and said, "That's Aunt Stephanie." There are several photos in this collage....Stephanie is only alone in one of them. I didn't point to the pictures as I spoke to Kaylee. Kaylee lifted her fat, little finger and pointed Stephanie out in all the photos. "Stephanie." She said with a smile on her face. I will try to post a picture of her.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Thanks for the kind words about" Little Stephen" This is the only place that I feel safe sharing the memories

Betsy I agree with Dee so good to see Rich's handsome face when I signed on. I have burned several dish towels in my day I am sure dinner was great!!! I think the digital frames will be on sale soon so you will probably get a bargain when you do shop.

Trudi I am sorry that all the tourists have invaded you sanctuary but so happy to hear that Sir MD is running on the beach like his old self. The pictures of Melissa and Jeya are so sweet as was the picture of the rest of the grand children with Steven on the side.

Dee I agree Prayer lifts my spirit and gives me a peace within my sadness I believe it is hope So glad John's Mom was moved out of ICU and is recuperating

Karen I too like to keep my beliefs simple and I know you would have given you life for Shawn in a minute

Rhonda Holding warm thoughts of you Your faith and genuine spirit shines thru in each posting

Leah I am sorry to hear about your added sorrow Your daughter is a wise women and I must agree all the days of pain and the joys of our lives add up to make us who we are. It is not what happens to us in life but how we respond that actually count. We Indigos are all examples of "Grace" under extreme loss .

Sherry Glad to see Davey as well!! I hope your secure Internet program will enable you to join us more often. Hope the little woodland creatures are finding food.

Crystal it is getting warmer here in NY but I am so sorry that Florida is so cold Stay warm

Lorrie loved the picture and poem

Kathy your home looks beautiful lovely picture

Carol I bet Damon t gave you many smiles with his visit.

Beth, Chris, Sonya, Sus and all Indigos stay safe.