Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Rhonda, I do think tha twe just hit chat and KABAMM! we are in. Yes, any day can be that last one, so live it as fully as you can. I did not put an announcement in the paper but write to Eri's friends every year at the anniversary, (used to write each month on her numbers, did that for 2 yrs.) and I write each year at her birthday too. I think it may feel good for you to have an aknowledgment of the anniversary in the paper. You can write a short piece about what a year is in grief time.

Col, so glad that your friend tried. That is worth a lot. The other one would freak out if she met me. I cry and have been crying in public my whole life...parades, circus, assemblies, skating shows, but since Eri left...well I am a salt lick.

I could not help Claudia"'s fund this year or last after doing big fund work here with the local families. When John was working I could offer more, but hopefully next year. She does great work, she and her husband. I know that they are fully devoted to the cause.

[daveydow1]

Leah----Oh, friend, I'm so very sorry for all the trouble in your household with your daughter. It's totally understandable

that you feel so much stress & pressure. I will pray that things can improve, somehow. It is so regrettable that this

man has such an iron grip on your daughter emotionally, and he no doubt takes shameful advantage of it. JaBoa's

little sister may be a bit worried about things and missing her dear sister, JaBoa. I think that you answered her

question very well....just how you honestly feel. Bless her dear little heart. I hope your mom is feeling better.

I wish you peace & tranquility.

Sus-----Thanks for you thoughts on the holidays. I, too, used Xmas a lot (still do ), and had read somewhere a long time

ago just what you wrote about the dates and all. Somewhere along the line in history, someone, probably some king or

ruler decided how things should be celebrated or not celebrated, and enforced his rules with threat of death for those who

disobeyed, so things like that 'caught on' and passed down thru the ages, and some people believe that thses 'rules' are

carved in stone. The remark from your friend was insensitive at the least. Too many people are quick to tell us how to deal

with our grief, and often put a definite timeline on it for us. What do they know ???? Sending prayers for Charlotte that she

recovers soon.

Chris----Your visit from David and the butterflies is a lovely and heartwarming story. These visits from the sweet spirits of

our beloved children in that paralell world are so very precious to us, aren't they?

Carol-----Lovely pics of the ornaments. Such treasures.

Betty-----I agree with you........insensitive people bragging about their kids to us who have had such terrible loss is rude and

boorish behaviour. That is a thing that is so very painful, and you'd think these blabbermouths could see that it is painful

and insensitive to do such a thing. Why don't they brag and tell all this stuff to other people who have not suffered the loss

that trumps all other losses in life. When they say "You need to get on with your life...." . I was told just same thing once...

I answered back....."This IS my life now." Short answer, but it seemed to get my message across.

Colleen-----I didn't get any Chrismas Letter this year, and as a matter of fact, I have not gotten them for a good while. Not sure

if they just don't send them to me, or if it is a tradition that was long overdue for extinction. Yes, they are self-serving and

as Dee said......who wants to hear that some kid graduated from high school or college, or where they are going on vacation.

Those letters are mostly boring. Glad I don't get them. I've read in some of the advice columns that people who dislike

getting them just discard them unread when they show up in the mail.

Dee---thanks for the Shaft of Light pic. Perfect natural beauty. Did you take the pic........I think I remember that you did.

Lorrie-----Your Kim sure is a lovely girl. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER.

Peace to all in the BI Family.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Trudi - exactly, Barry is a single man raising Tavian all by himself and I really don't know what I do...Dumbass describes it perfectly. I had a bad time with my niece....I called her just to talk, was crying a bit and the next thing I know she is telling me I have to "stop using Jessica's death to prevent me from moving on with my life" - I hung up on her....WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

I went tothe chat room and talked - it was very nice but need to really keep up...I enjoyed it though.

Did alot os shopping today...almost done, finish tomorrow. I sure wish I could get more in the spirit but just can't find it....will be better when I see how happy Tavian is.

School called today and they are letting Tavian finsih the 3rd grade in the school he is in now....we are very happy as we did not want ot have to change him in the middle of the school year.....

I am tired and missing my girl - just wanted to say hello - love you all, Kathy

[aim630]

Ashley's best friend got her name tattooed on her wrist. I will try to post a picture.

I missed the chat-making cookies & wrapping presents, trying to make the holiday as normal as possible for Katie. She's been snapping a lot at us lately, I'm sure it's getting to her too.

Kathy-I can't believe your niece would say that. Another "Did you really say that???". I don't wish this on anyone, but unless they've walked in our shoes, I don't think they have any right to criticize how we're handling things.

Rhonda-I did not even think of putting anything in the paper on Ashley's birthday last month (since we don't get the paper, it did not occur to me). My aunt did & that was nice, just wish I would have thought of it. I think you should put something in the paper on the 1 yr anniversary for Westley. The Always Remembered poem is nice. I may use that in February. My stepdaughter's baby is due on February 14th, and Ashley died February 9th. I hope she misses that date. My step-grandson was actually born the day my dad died almost 5 yrs ago. We were visiting him after he was born, when we got the call to come right away because my dad was not going to make it. I'll never forget Lucas' birthday. Nikki (my stepdaughter) is using Elizabeth as her baby's middle name & that was Ashley's middle name.

Hope the picture shows up ok.

[Guest msnher]

Amy - I love the tatoo of Ashley's name on her friend's wrist. There's no outline. The color looks to be flesh, yet it shows up perfectly. I'm impressed not only with the loving action of a friend but with the tatoo artist him or herself. Nice job!!

Sherry - If memory serves me correctly (and that's not that great these days) Early Christians picked a pagan holiday to celebrate Jesus' birth to avoid persecution. The X represents the cross, pretty much the same way a fish represents Christianity, also to avoid persecution. What's interesting, to me, is they chose a pagan holiday and many years later, the Christians would kill the pagans for practicing their religion. Some of them were killed just for using herbs to heal...homeopathic medicine, as it's known today. Look what they did to Galileo. None of us get out of this religious debate looking very good, except, maybe, for the pagans. I can't be sure of that. But it seems that nature loving people have always been pretty peaceful as a whole. Gosh, if we spoke about psychics, tarot cards, mediums, or even my visit to heaven back then, we would have been hung, stoned or burned at the stake. They had to go into hiding to protect themselves from Christians. Oh for the day we all just love each other.

Kathy - I'm so glad you hung up on her. I had to delete what I typed because I got convicted in my gut that it was not necessary for me to say it.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's name

[mikesmomrs]

Amy, I love the tattoo that Ashley’s friend got, also. Very distinctive, and very loving for her to do that. Thank you for sharing.

Sus: I know that it upsets you to think that you are yelling at the kids, etc., but from everything you have told us over this past year or so, you are doing a terrific job with these children, and they seem to be showing you frequently by spontaneous things that they say and do that they feel loved and treasured by you and Gary. I think you are too hard on yourself sometimes, but I think also that we all understand that feeling. Praying for your peace of mind, and praying for Charlotte, also.

Trudi: I am so sorry that you had such a heartbreaking meltdown in the store, but that is the nature of this journey…I am glad you were able to return home and cry…even though it was upsetting to you at the time, we know that tears heal…I don’t know if you felt better afterwards or not, but I am holding you close and praying that you find some peace soon to soothe your aching heart.

Kathy: So glad that the school is letting Tavian finish this year at that school…we moved when Davis was only 6, and the school let him continue to finish the year…I know that it is a great relief that they are not separated from what they know, right in the middle of the year.

Dee: The “salt lick” comment…so true, so true. I am glad that you have some time to rest up from your daily work with your kids…they are so blessed to have you.

Rhonda: I did not put anything in the paper, but think it is a nice idea. I would have if I had thought of it at the time, and may do it this coming year when it is Mike’s 5^th angelversary. Holding you close as you go through these holidays and approach your sweet angel’s first anniversary. You wrote “if I had known that as truly last Christmas as I do this one, I might have done it all differently.” Rhonda, we knew, and we still think we should have done it differently…knowing ahead doesn’t always give you the sense to do it differently…the reality of what is coming is something so horrifying and so unbelievable that you bury it deep, and you think that if you “do things differently,” then it just makes that reality more real. Every time I would think to myself that we should be taking more pictures, some videos, etc., doing this or doing that, I would think of myself saying “Mike, I want more pictures, more videos…you are dying, and we need to do this or we need to do that before you leave.” I just couldn’t bring those words to my lips, and “doing things differently” would have brought them out into the light, so I couldn’t. I spent the first couple of years after Mike died beating myself up over this, and finally had to realize that it just couldn’t have been done differently.

Leah: Prayers for you, dear lady…praying your daughter will have some change of heart regarding her devotion and “addiction” to this horrid man.

Colleen: So glad that you connected with your friends, and that your friend Georgia acknowledged your grief over the upcoming holiday. Sending hugs to you, too.

Karen: I loved what you did with the poem…both styles were beautiful. Are you getting snow again tonight like we are?

Well, this has been a day and a half for us today. Of course, now it is 3:30 am, so I guess it really has been a day and a half!

We picked up Damon after school, at 11 am, and guess what he was in? His PJ’s!!! They had a pj and movie day at school today, the last day before Christmas vacation. He was SO excited! I guess I have to get off the fence now about the pj’s at school bit, and agree with Dee and the others here that this is an opportunity for them to show their individuality a bit and to have one day stand out as really special for them in the year.

We took him for lunch at his favorite pizza place, and then went shopping for some last minute things. He was so good and patient. Earlier, we had put had put the wreath we had put together for Mike in the back of the car, and after our shopping, we were on our way to take it to Mike’s memorial site. On the way, we drove by his mommy’s friend’s house, and she (the friend) was out in the driveway…I asked Damon if he wanted to stop and say hi, which he did, so we drove in. It was only the second time we’ve seen her since Mike’s services. She was really pleased to see us, and to see Damon too, of course. She is Sarah’s best friend since childhood, and when she and her husband married (about the same time as Mike and Sarah), Mike and her husband became friends, as they had a lot in common. We talked briefly, and after she talked to Damon a bit, asked “So, are you all going out for something fun?” My instant thought was the wreath in the back of the van, taking it to my son’s cemetery site, for Christmas. Fun? Well..I guess it’s all in your perspective and of course, she didn’t have any idea where we were going. I didn’t say anything. I just smiled and said that we had been shopping and were going home to play. Then I said “Actually, we are taking a wreath to Mike’s site at the cemetery, would you like to see it?” Of course, I took her by surprise, and I don’t know what she expected, but she said “Oh, sure, I’d love to.” When she saw it and all the things we had put on it (pics of Mike with the kids, a star wars figure, a GI Joe figure, a candy cane inscribed with the Red Sox logo, a trans am car, an angel from Wonderful Life, a cross, a huge bow, etc., she smiled and said how nice it was and it was really great that we could do that. (All of the “toys” on the wreath were things that her husband and Mike shared a love for.) So, it turned out to be a nice little short visit, and the reconnection was sweet…I was glad I had mentioned the wreath and very thankful for her response to seeing it. She was very gracious about it, and I was glad that I mentioned it and showed her the wreath. On her way up the stairs, she called out that she and Josh would bring their baby by soon for us to see her.

This is a pic of Damon outside our van, and also a pic of the wreath…

On the way home from dropping Damon at home, a friend of Mike’s, Eric, who now lives in Texas (he is the one who was instrumental in bringing Mike back to his faith), called and said he was in town and could he stop by. So, we had company for a couple of hours. It was nice to see him and an enjoyable time…but I missed the chat because he was here during that time.

Now, we get a call from Kim’s fiancé that Kim is in the hospital. She has not gotten better from when she was sick when we were there, and had in the interim been diagnosed with pancreatitis. Kim doesn’t drink, so it was quite a surprise. Well, she got sicker a few days later, and was sick over the next week or so. Yesterday, she complained of a lot of pain and got to the point where she couldn’t stand up or talk, so they called an ambulance. So far, the doctor has said they really don’t know what is causing all the pain. Kim has Crohn’s disease since 1985, and had an ileostomy in Feb of ’05…it was quite an extensive surgery, and in the recovery time in the hospital, she developed a severe infection secondary to their putting the stomach drainage tube in too far, and she came very, very close to dying. She spent over a month in the hospital and then three months in a hospital bed at home, with daily nursing care. Once she got back on her feet, though, she was just great. She has a cholostomy bag and had adapted to it quite well and was healthy once again, after being ill for almost ten years from the Crohn’s. This is the first time since then that she has been this ill. She is in the same hospital as where she had her surgery, and has the same doctor. She is comforted by having the same doctor, but is very scared right now because she doesn’t know what’s wrong, and she is in such great pain. The doctor has said that there is a chance that the Crohn’s has gone into the rest of her intestine (they only took out the large intestine), and they MAY have to do surgery again. However, he said she only has one of four of the criteria for that diagnosis, and they need to run more tests, etc. Meantime, she is hooked up to tons of stuff--- tubes, machines, etc., and can only have a wet sponge tip wiped across her lips. I spoke with her this evening and she is quite “out of it,” being on some strong pain meds. She only said a few words, and three of those were “I am scared.” So am I. My heart is aching to be there with her. If things don’t turn around in a day or so, we may go ahead and drive back down there. I really don’t like being on the road over the Christmas holiday, but if I have to, I will. Meantime, please keep her in your prayers…she is really sick and in so much pain. Rachel, her youngest, who is 9, is extremely close to her mom, and is having a very hard time with this. I know that likely one of the thoughts going through their mind is what will happen to them if they lost their mom… they’ve already lost their dad and I am sure this scares them very much. I pray I can find the words to reassure them, without alarming them about their mom’s condition.

On a lighter note, today while here, I introduced Damon to Egg Nog. He was VERY suspicious at first, but I told him that all he had to do was dip his finger in it and put it to his tongue, if he didn’t like it he didn’t have to try anymore. I had told him earlier that it was his daddy’s very favorite Christmas drink, and I loved it too, and so did his brother Kameron. I only put a tiny bit in the bottom of a small glad, but he bypassed the “finger dip” taste, and slowly, very slowly lifted the glass to his lips. He took a teeny sip…lowered the glass…his eyes grew big, and he said “MORE!” He absolutely loved it! His daddy is grinning about that, I am sure!

Going to bed…so much to do tomorrow…I will keep you posted on what I hear about Kim. Hopefully, we will hear some good news. She is supposed to have a colonoscopy done sometime in the morning…perhaps that will give them some answers.

Sending love and peaceful moments to everyone here…you are all true, wonderful blessings in my life.

Carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Prayers for Kim and for her doctors. May divine intervention guide her doctors to find out exactly what is causing her pain and distress. May a miracle of healing be granted her not only for her well being but for the well being of her family. Praise be to God. Carol, I am always blessed when I read your words. Your wisdom and love is so tangible. The intestinal tract is such a temperamental piece of equipment. There are so many variables involved. May the strength of our Creator be like a blanket over you and Kim that fear will be replaced with peace.

I love what all of you do for your angels grave sights. I hate calling them that. Is there a better word? I am toying with the idea of buying a plot for Stephanie just so other friends and family have a place to go, should they choose to. I wouldn't be able to bury her ashes. I'm not at a point where I can part with them. I have not even shared them with anyone. But, I can see the importance of doing specific things at a specific place. I think Stephanie's children need that, too.

Isn't it odd that I feel such an attachment to Stephanie's ashes? I also closely guard the small Christmas box I keep in my night stand that I put some of the dirt and weeds that was soaked with her blood from the accident. Before she died, that would have been morbid. Now, it makes perfect sense to me. But, I KNOW her remains is not HER. I know she is more real now than she ever was in the flesh, yet I hold cherish the physical evidence I have of her life IN the flesh.

I confess I feel a little out of the loop. I don't remember reading about a chat being scheduled. I remember talking about it, but I didn't realize it had gone as far as setting a date and time. I would not have been able to attend because I was not home, but should another be scheduled I would like to be there.

I took the kids to see Santa at the mall today and then we met Grandpa for dinner at JB's.

I caught myself this early AM laying in bed reliving the past in my imagination. I was 15 again and being put in my last foster home. Only I was able to be 15 and know everything I know now. I would make different decisions....be nicer....be more confident...be wiser. In actuality I was miserable during that time in my life. I had no social skills. I was extremely overweight and lacked personal hygene skills as well. I had a chip on my shoulder as big as the boulder damn/Hoover damn. I was full of bitterness and rejected love, instead I manipulated the goodness of others to my own benifit. I was also full of self hatred and contempt.

The last family I lived in was the most unhappy time of my youth. And, yet, they offered me the most opportunities. And, I know I made it really difficult for them to love me. I've resented them for the last 40 yrs for not being nicer to me. In my imagination, I go back and I'm nicer to them.

In my youth I was an expert at escaping the moment and avoiding what is. I often daydreamed about what my future would be. As an adult I had to learn how to bring my self out of the future and back to the now so I could make healthier choices. That is where I found peace and security. In the moment. Well, since Stephanie died and all the pain her children have gone through and some of the pain I put my own children through, I find myself not drifting forward, but drifting backwards......getting another chance to do it right. It begins unconsciously and when I realize what I'm doing I force myself back into the moment.

There is no way to redo my past and still have my children. I would never associate, let alone marry, their biological father. I would never know these beautiful grandchildren. However, I would invest in Microsoft and study hard in school. I would have to somehow find a way to move to Casper Wyoming so I could meet Gary and convince him he is my soul mate. But, then his two children wouldn't be born either, depriving him the opportunity to have his cherished grandchildren. And, how could I ever go back and be a member of a religion that shunned blacks and gays? How could I keep my mouth shut and be submissive as women are taught they sould be (in the 70's).

Nope. Couldn't do it. So, I guess I'll stay right here in 2010 (almost 11) and take the consequences and heartaches I've been given.

Peace to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[nicksdad]

Last nite the chat thing was pretty nice, I guess need to pay attention to when next one is. People were talking about books to read and I was jotting down notes of what I need to look for. This morning I updated the list of book i've read but I think i'm still missing a few. Here is the list:

http://neverlosefaith.com/?s=books

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I am so glad I was able to join the on line chat last night near the end. I arrived at 9:30 and talked to Kathy, Karen and Rhonda it was fun and did feel different and more connected than just posting

Kathy I agree, you did the right thing It is not worth your peace to engage with their insensitivity. Come here where it is warm and we all understand It was nice talking with you last night

Dan sorry I missed the beginning of the Chat thanks for the listing

Amy loved the tattoo of Ashley's name it is lovely

Sherry Your warmth and compassion and love are so easily felt with each of your posts Good to see Davey's this AM

Rhonda I do post a memorial of Stephen in the local paper and have a"Mass" said in honor of is Birthday and Memorial day It is another way to honor his sweet memory I am the only one who attends the service but that is all that is important

Sus Stephen is not buried at the cemetery but I have his name with a beautiful sentiment engraved on the family stone I never go there nor does any member of my family I visit my own memorial here in my home and the Memorial web site I created Friends and family do go there and light candles and leave messages.That is good enough for me I agree that it is lovely how everyone decorates their sites in honor to their love. It is special

Carol Oh dear I am so very sorry to hear about Kim . You have certainly had your share this year!!! I will light a candle today when I light my usual candle as I pass church today. I loved the picture of sweet Damon and I must agree egg nog is delicious I must watch how much I drink it!! Mikes wreath is a precious memorial to the love and life shared

Dee Hope you are not still in your PJ's and off for a run Enjoy your vacation from your little ones Recharge for the coming new year

I am worn out from the Holiday already . I am doing my version of cleaning right now (moving the dust off desk and dresser and a fast vacuum) the laundry is in and then I am going to escape by myself and go the see "The Fighter" a new movie that will take me away for a while.

Leah,Betsy, Sonya, Colleen, Lorrie, Crystal, Beth and all beautiful Indigos please be very gentle with yourself today

[Guest msnher]

Indigo's, I must ask for prayer again for April, The daughter of Charlotte. April was also thrown from the car and treated for a broken colar bone and later released. She is back in the hospital with fluid on her lungs and they don't know where it's coming from. Charlotte is supposed to be released from the hospital today. Thanks.

[shorty16]

Kathy

I get that too "After 2.5 years and it still bothers you?" Heck Yes.

I am learning who I can and who I cannot talk to about my sadness. Most people do not want to hear it. Makes them sad.

Come here and we can talk together about missing our children and how sad we still are.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

I am so disappointed that I did not talk on the chat last eve. I go straight to Loss of An Adult Child, straight to this place now having pasted LOSS OF ADULT CHILD in my tool bar, so I don't go to the Beyond Indigo home page much, where the CHAT was posted. Now I see it. I did know about it from posts yesterday, but at about 7:30 a neighbor came by unexpectedly and so we chatted and when she left, I forgot about this CHAT. Darn.

THanks Dan for the book list, I would have added PAULA, and THE SUM OF OUR DAYS both by Isabelle Alende'. These are both memoirs about the loss of her own daughter, Paula, and the life of the family since her death. There are so many good books that deal with the aspect of grief that we share. Abigail Thomas wrote, THREE DOG LIFE, and while her grief has to do with a different loss, her ability to capture in word what is so tangled in our hearts is pretty wonderful.

Betty, I would have loved to share real time with you and the others, darn that I missed it but perhaps, we can all say let's chat at a certain time every Friday night or something, and those that can will and those that can't won't.

Carol, my thoughts surround your Daughter Kim. I am praying and hoping that the docs that know her best can figure out what is causing so much pain. Crohns is such a stubborn and insistent disease. I really hope that today it is all figured out, that she start feeling better right away, and is home soon.

I am glad for your time with Damon, it is funny that he was wearing his Jammies too. THe wreath sounds lovely, absolutely perfectly Mike. I am so happy that you decided to share it with the neighbor. The more folks see the depth and breadth of our love and memory, the more empathy they develop over their lifetimes, and hopefully, the more they teach their own kids and families about it. I kind of feel that one job I have since losing Erica is to be outward about her death so that she is not hidden but also so death is not hidden, so that we can show others that we should talk about those we lose and also talk about the process. Everything has a process, mourning and grief is a prime example and it does not end. We grieve those we love and lose for all time. It needs to be okay to talk about something that is forever.

Sus, prayers for your friend's daughter, may the docs also find and repair the problem immediately. May there be good health prevailing.

[westleysmom]

Susannah-Sorry that you missed the Chat thing, Konnie had posted an announcement on the first page of the forums. I was glad there were only a few people in a way because I think too slow and type even slower! It was kind of hard to keep up. Konnie, me, Karen, Dan, Kathy and Betty were on at various times. I stayed on longer than I should have and didn't get anything done because it was so neat to be able to talk to people in real time. But I'm sure we can do it again when you and others would be able to join. This is such a busy time. And the chat room kind of format is a little hard to get used to because it moves so fast. I think we all sometimes try to re-live our lives differently in our imaginations. You have had such heartache and trials that I'm sure the old "I wouldn't have it any other way" that people who have not had so much to deal with always say is hard to force out of your mouth. Of course you would have it another way, a better way, if you could. As I would, as all of us here would. The hell of it is that we can't change anything that has happened, the good and the bad. I hope I can learn from what life has handed me so far, and be better than I would have been, but I know I'm not always successful at learning from experience. Try not to beat yourself up. You are a wonderful person and I am glad to call you my friend. I hope that helps.

Carol-My daddy had pancreatitis once, but he was quite a bit older. They kept asking us how long he'd been drinking, and Daddy never drank hardly any alcohol. I'm sure you're worried sick and my thoughts will be with Kim and you as you may have to travel to get to her side. The wreath was beautiful and Damon such a sweetheart.

Amy-I loved the tattoo. Westley died on a Wednesday and his friend Pat came to the funeral home on Saturday for visitation and rolled up his sleeve to show me the tattoo that he had gotten with Westley's name and birthday-death date on it. I was in shock at the time anyway, but it was very sweet of him to memorialize Westley in such a permanent way. I've toyed with the idea of a tattoo, which is something that would likely surprise the hell out of Westley if he was still here. But if he was still here, I guess I never would have thought about it.

Sherry-How are the trees holding up and Dave and Lisa's memorial sites? I hope you are feeling okay, didn't you have a cold?

Betty- I like your version of cleaning. I am not a very good housekeeper, but I try to keep it picked up anyway. I would come to the service for Stephen if I was closer to you, dear lady.

Dee-Thank you so much for all you have meant to me this year. Last year, I didn't even know you, and this year, I count you among those I can't imagine not having in my life.

It was really nice to get to know Karen and Dan better and spend some time with Kathy and Betty last night. We talked about weather and taxes and books and movies and of course, as always, our angels and how much we miss them. I'm sure everyone will be in and out the next few days into the holiday and its aftermath, but I always hold you all close in my thoughts, drawing strength from your friendship and support. Have a blessed day.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, what a very sweet thing to say, thanks so much, you have also become an important part of my day, hoping to always hold your hand and heart through this war of sorts, and enjoying who you are. You often make me smile with your take on things. I think that Westley and Erz enjoy each other as well. Loud music, loud laughter, funny funny angels.

When Erz was in the trauma center in Kalamazoo, a college town, over 80 folks went out to the three tattoo parlors to have her name and some sort of phrase or symbol placed on thier body. Many of Eri's closest friends had Eri and the chinese symbol for laughter or beauty put on their foot, or back. The proprietors of the tattoo shops were scraching their heads at the business, and then learned of the GIRL WHO WAS HIT BY THE TRAIN< they did great work. The two boys who were the first responders when the train spun Eri's car around, were the first to get the tattoos, they had not met her till that fateful night. My heart was so touched by their kindness, by thier words and by their actions. So Eri romps around the world written on the hands, arms, backs, feet of over 80 people who love her and miss her but are determined to take her with them.

I am grateful.

[lolynbo]

TRYN TO POST A PIC WONT LET ME

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: Praying April returns to good health and is released to celebrate Christmas at home. I hope Charlotte is doing well, also.

Dee: love the story of the tattoos...Eri...all over, with so many.

Trud: Hope you are doing okay.

Rhonda and Betty: wishing you, and all indigos, peaceful moments over these next few days, as we travel these heart-stirring holidays without part of our heart.

Thank you all for your thoughts for Kim...will keep you posted.

I too am so disappointed to have missed the chat....maybe next time.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

KIMBERLYS NEW YEARS EVE DRESS...HAD TO SHARE

[ericasmom]

VA-VA-VA-VOOM! My goodness, great dress on the perfect body for it. Beautiful. Are they going to a club event?

Carol, Is Kim feeling better by now? I am feeling like she is, hoping so.

Dear Angels and God above

smile on Kim as she is frightened

and bless the doctors to find out exactly how to make it all better,

smile always on her Children and her loving Parents

and let Mike's heart shine over her now,

giving her the healing she needs.

[lolynbo]

DEE, YES PROB THEY HANG OUT AT ALL THE NEATO PLACES IN OKC...THANK YOU I THINK SHES GORGEOUS

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: thank you so much for your beautiful prayer....I haven't been able to reach anyone all day...extremely frustrating...I can't even get the hospital to answer the danged phone! Her phone just keeps ringing. Matt's phone is not on, for some weird reason. I will post as soon as I learn anything. thank you again.

love and prayers,

carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

I will check in later to see what is new, we are leaving soon for my sister Mary Anne's home for my family Christmas. Should be fun. Peace to All.

PS Prayers will continue Carol, for Kim.

PPS Kimmy is beautiful Lor, she is a stunning looking woman.

[daveydow1]

Carol----What a cute story about Damon and the egg nog. Mike surely smiled down with approval on his boy. Sending

prayers for Kim.

Betty-----Thank you for your kind words. Oh......going out to a movie.....I, too, like to take in movies, and they do 'take you away'

even if for just a little while. (I usually just watch them on t.v., but I should get out to one in the theater too.)

Sus-----Thanks for the good info on the Christmas dates & signs and symbols. Imagine......being burned at the stake for using

herbs or other healing methods that were 'banned' by someone......some ruler or tyrant. Also, sending prayers for dear April....

may the Drs. find and take care of the problem she is having. Bless her.

Colleen----Yep.----you're right. People don't like us to talk about our departed kids. I guess it makes them uncomfortable and

'ruins their day', so to speak. I, too, am very careful about who I talk to about Davey or Lisa. I've found that there are very few---

practically none--- that would want anything said. Sad, but true.

Rhonda-----The small Xmas trees on Davey and Lisa's graves are holding up o.k. The larger one of the two is on Dave's grave,

and it wanted to upset in the wind, so I weighted the pot on the bottom of it, and stacked rocks all around the pot to anchor it.

The tiny one on Lisa's grave has a cement-weighted base, so it sits ok. Well,----the cold is better (for now)...hope it's gone for good.

Dee----So great, and kind of all those people to go get tats in honor of ERi.....80 people ! Hope you have a very nice time at your

sister's this evening. Snowing again here.....not hard, though. It will definitely be a White Christmas though......same with you and

many of us here at BI.

I was just thinking the other day about where everyone on BI is from, and thought we have not had anyone on here from California,

(unless I am forgetting someone who had been on, of course). There are quite a few states that are not now, or haven't been

represented. We used to have someone on from the UK, and several from Canada. Just thinking 'out loud', .......Hmmm .

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

So many posts, missed the chat, I'll blame timezones and hemispheres.

We have survived (?) the first of the family Christmases. Mal's boys were here for dinner, well late dinner. The youngest was attending his works Christmas function, it started around 11am. We got a call from his partner saying he was till there at 4pm and didn't sound like he would make it. Don't know why she was surprised, I never expected him to cancel free food, drink with mates for a Christmas dinner with family. Anyhew, they arrived late. Him full of Christmas cheer and her full of thunder! The eldest was running late too. He stopped by his mum's, it was his birthday and she wanted to spend time with him. I so get that.

The food had been ready for awhile. Me well I decided to part take of some sparkling wine called Bella. I'm not a drinker, but this was something bought to Mikes wake and it's really really really nice.

We exchanged gifts with the youngest pleading he will 'getcha sumpthing later'. For the first time the eldest bought me a gift. A beautiful butterfly windchime, 'for the beach house'. Somehow I think he gets it.

Well, big day today, a rest day. Haircut this morning then to the river. The sun is out and I just want to be....the river allows that.

Betty - I would sit with you for Stephens service, such a beautiful way to remember your boy.

Carol - OMG the accountant must have taken the day off again. My thought with you and Kim as she faces this next challenge. Love your time with your Grandies.

To those I have missed, my heart to you all as we navigate this time of the year...beware the trips and triggers.

MD and I are off....I think coffee before haircut is in order......Trudi

[kmb22]

Edit

[Guest msnher]

Karen said, "You can't fix ignorance." Thanks, Karen, I need to remember that. I just read on the news how Christians are been persecution is increasing around the world. In light of that news, I take back everything I said! Always for the underdog. That's me. After watching the video's you posted on Shawn's site on facebook I can imagine his wife is having a very difficult time. It's apparent they adored each other. Hugs to both of you.

Crystal - if you're reading this, I love the video you put on facebook of Ashley. I have a few videos of Stephanie (from her phone) that are precious to me. Thank God for modern technology. I'm keeping you in my prayers, my friend!

Rhonda - I am keeping you in the forefront of my thoughts, too, as not only Christmas approaches without your son, but his first angelversary is fast approaching, as well.

Betsy - Same for you. I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort during the tough days ahead.

My heart also reaches out to all the soldiers and their families. I'm practicing keeping my opinions to myself. Well, for this post anyway. Besides, my opinions change quicker than Wyoming's weather.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

Just wanted to tell you all I am thinking of you. Things here aren't much better.. I keep telling myself I have so much to be thankful for.. I really do.. I know I am so frustrated with my daughter.. but I have her.. I have the grands.. I have the other kids.. I even have a wonderful family here online, I just am human and want it all.. I want to hold that little girl again.. :-(

I was lucky, it took me til about 1 am the other night..but I got the furnace working again. It was an ice jam in a pipe.. and it took lots of tries to get it broke.. My husband felt so bad he couldn't get out there.. but I tried to tell him, it was to hard, the snow had drifted so badly and it was blowing.. my fingers were frozen... I think I am trying to come down with something.. I got a little cough..trying to keep my distance from mom.

My prayers are going out..Susannah.. Carol.. but then my prayers always go out for you all. I wish I could have been in on chat.. it would have been great. By the time I got home last night it was late and I didn't feel up to getting online. It sounds like you had a great time. Maybe next time I will be able to join.

There have been so many accidents around here, I dont' even want to get on the road anymore.. there were 6 rollovers nearby and 6 fenderbenders.. and the East side of the state had more..and serious.. My heart goes out to all those who have lost somebody.. my heart is with all of you here.. the new ones who are trying to learn to grieve.. and the ones that have been here for a long time.. Somedays it gets easier, but nonetheless it is the toughest thing we do.

Well.. Trudi, Karen, Rhonda, Crystal, Kathy, Lori, Dan, Betty, Betsy, Coleen, Sherry, Dee, anybody I missed.. I am tired out.. and going to go to bed.. tomorrow is a long day.. I will be so glad to get this all over with. There I go sounding bitter again.. I just guess I am tired.. thinking of you all my friends.. be strong and walk with your angels..I know I am trying hard to take JaBoa's hand..

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all: Just checking in to let you all know that I still don't know much more about Kim's condition. I did speak with Matt (her fiance) around 8:30 pm or so...he said he talked to Kim early this morning (like 4 or 5 am) and she sounded somewhat coherent for the first time since she was admitted to the hospital on Monday night. However, she is not any better...they still are keeping her medicated for the pain and are still running tests. I guess they did the colonoscopy today but we have not heard anything about it. He was going to go over there this evening and hopefully have Kim sign papers so the hospital will be allowed to speak to me and to him about her condition, etc. I tried to speak with her a couple of times later tonight, but still couldn't get any answer on her phone. I did finally manage to speak with her nurse, (I guess when I had called earlier, I was calling a "dead number"), who told me that she was extremely limited in what she could tell me because of the privacy laws (hence, the need for Kim to sign for release of information to us). She said Kim was "stable" and medicated for the pain. They were continuing to run tests---blood work, etc. When Kim talked with Matt earlier this morning, she told him that her original doctor (who I have thought all along was there) was coming back tomorrow from vacation and he would see her then. So, we wait. and pray.

Leah: I am glad that even amidst the trying things that surround you, you are able to call on those that are blessings for you...holding you close and praying for peace in your household.

I must share what happened today on our way out to pick up some last minute things. I had forgotten to put the "marker" on Mike's wreath that I had printed out, with his name, a prayer, etc., on a card...and I also had a little red stocking that I had meant to attach, so we were going to go by the cemetery and attach those before it got dark. We got there just as it was turning dark...no one is supposed to be there that late, so we were trying to hurry. There had been cloud cover and snow flurries all day, so it was getting dark early. We had installed a new solar light when we put up Mike's wreath yesterday, and I mentioned to Ralph as we drove in that it was odd that the new light was not lit, since everyone else's was. It was pretty cold, so Ralph stayed in the van. As I was trying to tie the ribbon of the tag and the stocking, I was getting frustrated because my fingers were going numb. Of course, tears started, and I said out loud, to no one in particular, "Mike, you are likely standing there saying sardonically "gee mom, why didn't you pay this much attention to me when I was alive?" Well, of course, this was just my guilt, brought on by my frustration, the cold, the intense ached in my heart, etc., but you all understand, I'm sure. I cried some more and said "I guess there's nothing I can do about that...I can just do this and hope you understand." In my frustration, I looked up at the sky...I saw the most awesome streak of light crossing the darkening sky. It wasn't like it was moving---it was just "there." Smiling at myself, through my tears, and looking back down at what I was doing, I said "Okay, Mike, I guess I am letting myself get the better of me," and I gave the knot I was tying one final tug. As I looked up again, towards the van, I heard a distinct "bink" sound behind me...the new solar light came on, bright as could be. Just like that. And it truly is the brightest one in the area! Later, when we had stopped at the pharmacy and Ralph waited in the car, he took out the pennies he'd just gotten in change from a cup of coffee he bought. There was a guy there, with a Salvation Army bucket, right next to the car. Ralph told me that he said to himself "If that guy were to come over here and ask me what I was doing, I would say "I am seeing if I got a penny from my son today" but he wouldn't understand." The next penny he flipped over? A 1975.

So, our tears are mingled with smiles that tear at our heart...but we are grateful even for these, because they are what keeps us going.

Have a blessed night, all...thinking of everyone, praying that you all have peace and sweet memories flowing through your heart over these next few days.

love to all, carol mikesmomrs

ps: I came across this picture of Ralph, taken in December of 2003...the button on his hat says "Christmas is for Big Kids, too" I can't remember for sure, but i think it was Jamie who put all those toys in with his papa.

[ericasmom]

My prayers and hopes continue to all. May hearts be filled, may illness be reversed, and may the missing of our Angels remind us too of how dear they always will be.

Love ya,

dee

[Guest msnher]

My best friend, Terri, called me last night and one of our friends died. Terri was much closer to him than I was and keeping her promise to him, she was there with him, holding him, as he took his last breath. He had been battling cancer for several years and he was ready to go. Then my youngest daughter called, worried and upset because her ex's sister, April, took a turn for the worse. Her ex, Charlie, who still calls me Mom, asked her to pray that if she dies they (the family) be able to handle it. Jennifer got mad and said she absolutely would not pray that but would pray she gets better. Then she called me. "Sometimes they don't get better, Honey." I whispered to her. And she began crying and we talked about her sister.

The phone was quiet the rest of the night, so I'm hoping that means she's going to make it. This family has been through so much. I think I told you their younger daughter, Crystal, died from brain cancer a few years ago.

Leah - Self pity never gets us very far and I'm glad you are counting your blessings. But, if anyone has a reason to feel sorry for themselves I would say it's you. You are taking care of your family from every direction. You are like the "Reba" of North Dakota. Too bad we can't clone you so the real you can have a good, honest break down and then take a vacation to some place warmer. I get to come with you, of course! Some place warmer is always nice this time of year. And, on top of all your responsibilities you is your grief for your precious JaBoa. You are proof we do what we have to do, not because we want to but because there is no choice. You, Kathy and me.....we're in this together, Sista! Hugs to you. While you're counting your blessings, I hope you are able to find some humor in the horrendous load you have on your plate!

Carol - I hate to admit that I'm not sure who Kim is. Is she your other daughter? I know about Cathi and Sarah (I think)....at any rate, I am still praying for her and all of you. I love the light in the sky and then his solar light turning on and the penny. I love the pic of Ralph with the toys from Christmas 2003.

Peace to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

It is Christmas Eve.. last night I cried myself to sleep, and this morning I woke up crying.. I don't know why I am so darn moody..(I guess deep down I do).. but this isn't my first or second year.. I guess it just goes to show that no matter how many years..the sadness remains. Here amongst my family I feel like I am standing alone in a crowd and nobody hears me.. but online I can simply type my words and know that there is somebody out there that really understands. I hope you all have a good as day as possible, I know it seems at times impossible. I have to go the brother-in-laws today and I really don't want to, but for the kids I will... then come home and do the expected things... just going through the motions, but I guess I am lucky I still get to go through the motions.. things could be so much worse.

Anyway.. I wanted to share a special moment this morning.. I had fallen asleep on the couch with my little guy watching tv, and woke up (he had gone to bed) this alone and there was a tv show that was just ending... My first words heard this morning were "Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God".. It made me think not only of JaBoa but of all our angels.. how pure their hearts are and how much love they are and that they see God.

I love you family!

[rlolheiser]

Susannah, we posted about the same time my friend. I am so sorry for all the sadness coming into your life at this time of year. It seems that there is so much more of it, or I am just more aware of it, I pray that your daughter keeps her strength up as her mother has done so graciously. I pray the family can handle whatever comes. Of course I pray that things work out and everybody be ok, but we know it doesn't always work that way. Your right, sometimes things just don't get better. (hugs) I do try to find the humor in life.. there are glimpses here.. it isn't all bad. Thank you so for the comparison :-).. and I do wish there were clones.. we would take a nice vacation..a nice warm place.. with no phones..:-)

[shorty16]

Indigos

Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading for 2.5 years - waking up in my home on Christmas morning without my boy, Brian.

The last 2 Christmas's we traveled to each coast and put some of Brian and my Mother's ashes in the Atlantic and the Pacific.

Anxiety, sadness seem to be overtaking me. I am with my entire living family and my sister is coming over after she works, She is a CNA (Certified Nurses Assistant).

Aaron told me he is just going to sit in the corner and be sad all day. I told him he could do that as long as I can hug him.

Tough time for families that are no longer intact.

I am sending love to my friends on this site. I can tell you how I fell and you do not turn away.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever.

[Guest msnher]

I love the words you woke up to, Leah. I used to think the pure in heart were people who were perfect. Now I think it's people who are honest and sincere. Even when we screw up, our intentions weren't to cause harm.

At the breakfast table the kids discussed how they have to be good today because Santa is coming tonight. Mariah says "We have to be 100% good today or Santa will bring us carl". (coal)

LOL

[briansdad]

love this....

[westleysmom]

Susannah-I hope the kiddies are good all day, even if you already know that they won't be getting any carl in their stockings! Thank you for thinking of me. I'm trying to get through it one moment at a time. That's the only way to live this day we've been given, right? And your "rants" always make me think, the things that happen supposedly in the name of God are hard to understand. I don't know why they happen, why anything happens.. Maybe someday we will know.

Leah-I'm holding you close and sending you all my love. You are so dear and your family does not seem to appreciate all you do for them. Stay off the roads if at all possible and stay warm. Jaboa is with all our angels, spending Christmas with God and while thinking of Westley with my Daddy and others that we have lost, and knowing that it is beautiful and they are not sad anymore, I still can't help but wish he was here with me.

Colleen-I hope that you are able to endure this Christmas at home without Brian. Every day is hard, but these "family" days are so very hard for us all. You welcomed me to this site with private messages that I still treasure that let me know I was not alone. Hug Aaron tight and he will know that even though Brian is gone, he is not alone. That is what we must do for those that we still have to love and treasure.

Carol-So hoping that all is getting better for Kim and that you hear good news soon. Love the picture of Ralph in happier times. I hope he is still doing well and that you have as Merry a Christmas as you can.

Karen-Thinking of you and Shawn's wife and wishing you strength for the day.; Also of Mark and that you might get a chance to comfort him. The mask does suffocate and sometimes you just want to rip it off and breathe air that has not been filtered by pretending that your heart is not broken and that you are "getting over it" It is so soon for you and I think of you and wish you peace.

I made cookies last night for the guys that work for my husband and it helped to get through the evening. I am alone now, he's gone hunting and will be back soon. We have to go to the in-laws tonight and I will take the picture and Always Remembered poem with me that I showed you. I think I may light a candle also in front of it, for Westley. I miss him so much, as I'm sure you all understand. I can't believe this is happening, Christmas without him, it doesn't seem possible. I don't know if I could get through it without your love and support, BI family.

I hope everyone has a blessed, if not Merry Christmas and finds some way to make it through. You are all in my thoughts.

[briansdad]

I made this for my other kids.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I just lost a long posting and can not redo.

I too am feeling the deep sadness and longing for past Christmas t and am dreading the next two days.

I re read my "Just One More Day post " and cried

Trudi you are so right on It HAS Been TOO LONG

I would settle for just one more moment . one more second. one more hour. How I would love to hear that laugh. see that smile watch the twinkle in his eyes and know that he was with me once again Leah it is beautiful to know that they are Pure of Heart and I do think I always thought they were Pure of heart even when they were here .I am still waiting for the Comfort for those who Grieve

Have a Blessed Day Indigos You are all held deep in my heart with great fondness.

[ericasmom]

And so this is Christmas...as John Lennon sang, and what have we done? Another year over, and a new one just begun.

We have done much, we have found ways each day to breathe and walk, and talk, cook, garden, shop, clean, raise kids, celebrate the good stuff, cry and scream, still work, maintain marriages, friendships, and bank accounts. We have done much, and in it all, you may not have felt joy, but joy will come again, on the wings of your Angels, joy will come in all sorts of ways, small and perhaps quiet ways, loud and boisterous ways, sometimes tiny messages that let you know, YES, JOY is not what it used to be, but it can and will one day be joy again.

May this day unwind with only good news for everyone awaiting news.

My mom-in-law is enroute to the hospital again, after being in for a few days already this week, two days home and boom, back in with pancreatis or ???

Merry Christmas dear Trudi.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigoes---------

Just checking in to wish a very MERRY CHRISTMAS...... to the BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD. !

PEACE AND PRAYERS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

I too am just checking in to wish everyone as Merry a Christmas as possible...those of you who are new to this journey, we hold you especially tight and want you to know that, one breath at a time, you will get through these next days...your angel will be there with you, supporting you, holding you close, and you will breathe your way into the next moment. I also want to thank everyone here for all of your love and support...we here all know that each of us makes up a whole, a "whole" that unifies us into a force of hope and love that carries all of us, and we are so blessed with this...our angels knew what we needed, and we found our way here.

Greg, thank you for the songs...I must admit, I couldn't finish the last one, but a what a wonderful thing to do for Brian's sibs.

Dee: thank you for your blessing to all of us. praying for your mom in law...

I set up Mike's little Christmas tree at 4 o'clock this morning, then sat on the sofa, with a cup of egg nog in my hand, next to our big Christmas tree, and sat there, in the lights of the trees, looking at Mike's tree, thanking God for all of the memories we have of this wonderful man...a man with flaws, for sure, but a man who started out as a little boy with hopes and dreams and wishes, who filled our lives with love, joy, sadness, wonder, adventure, worry, smiles, giggles, hugs, and grandchildren. A baby boy who we saw through to his adulthood, and who we will carry with us forever in our hearts....until we meet again. Thank you, my beautiful son, for all the Christmas memories we have to fill our heart...thank you. I must remember to "Say not in grief that he is no more, but to live in thankfulness that he was." (A Hebrew proverb)

Thank you again to Kelly, Eric, Modkonnie, Jeanne, and all of the others who are behind the scenes, who supply this blessed site for us...we wish all of you a wonderful Christmas and a joyous, blessed new year.

Sending love and peace to all...

Carol mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE....OUR ANGELS ARE GETTING READY TO CELEBRATE BIG TIME IN HEAVEN....

MONTYS MAKING KOURTNEYS BUTTERMILK PIES (HOPE HE DONT FORGET THE SUGAR THIS TIME)...

KODYS STILL ASLEEP...WHEN HE WAKES UP WE WILL PUT THE GINGER BREAD HOUSE TOGETHER FOR THE HOMELESS GINGER BREAD MEN....

THEN KIMMY AND CODY WILL BE HERE AS WELL AS BROOKE AND CASEY (CODYS BROTHER)....THEN WE WILL DO OUR STOCKINGS...AND PLAY Wii AND HAVE OUR FINGER FOOD....AND WATCH ITS A WONDERFUL LIFE...

I PRAY ALL OF YOU SURVIVE THE CHRISTMAS EVE AND MORNING....I PRAY YOU FEEL YOUR ANGELS ALL AROUND YOU AND HAVE ANGEL DREAMS TONIGHT....

I LOVE EACH ONE OF YAL VERY MUCH...I DONT NO WHAT I WOULD DO WITH OUT YOU ALL...")

[lolynbo]

★ ˚˛★* ★ ˚˛★*

★MERRY*•˚° ★CHRISTMAS★ ˚˛★* •。* •。★* •。★*˚ ° 。* •。˛˚*° 。˚*•★* 。*˚° 。 ° ˛˚*° 。˚*• ° *˚° • 。 ° ˛˚*˚° • 。 ° ˛˚•。★* •。★

° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚° 。 ° ˛˚*˚° • 。 ° ˛˚*˚° • 。 ° ˛˚

˚ ˛ ˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ° 。• ° ˛˚˚° 。 ° ˛˚˛˚˚° 。 ° ˛˚˛•。★* •。★

˚ ˛˛ ˚ *｜田田｜門｜ ˚˚˚° 。 ° ˚*AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

[ericasmom]

We never will have to walk this road alone, and so I thank each of you and those who supply this site for the many souls that have found in this place, home. Thanks for this home, a shelter for our hearts and minds.

I love you all, and have hopes and dreams for each. Be kind to yourselves over these next few days as you find your footing. As Carol has said, you will get through this time, breathe, drink plenty of water to replace the tears, and know that your Angel is rooting for you. Our Angels are dancing on stars, twinkling as they go.

It is snowing a soft and lovely snow, coming down nicely. I made two pumpkin pies, brownies and an upside down apple cake is presently in the oven. The cake is for our desert tonight at Jon adn Shannon's house. The other deserts are for John's sister's home tomorrow. I am going to go out and take a quiet moment for a walk and talk with Erz, my little snow loving Angel. I will go write her name anew in the newly fallen snow.

Blessings all,

PS mominlaw is admitted again and they are running tests, she will not be home for christmas.

[ericasmom]

Went out in the snow as the sun began to set, so pretty, and I wrote Erica in GIGANTIC LETTERS in the park. I keep talking to her, I keep feeling her touching my shoulder lightly, walking alongside. Yesterday, My sis Eileen handed me an envelope and in it was money collected from my family, nieces, nephews, sisters to put into the ERICA REITH fund that I have in her name at school. Holy Cow, blessed am I by the spirit of Erica filling the spirits of others.

Let's hope the words that end this song, WAR IS OVER will prevail in 2011 and on and on.

[mysonrich]

Merry Christmas Eve Indigo's,

Tomorrow I will catch up with all of your posts. No tree here this Christmas,not in the house anyway. My aunt always buys a latge tree. This one is so big I can't possibly drag it into the house myself. Maybe her boy's will tomorrow.

I'm doing ok. Very achy in the legs for some reason. Old age ?

I see that there is a lot happening in your lives so I will keep this short so that I may reply tomorrow.

This is Richard. His last Christmas here on earth. His tree. His new home. the last time I saw him alive. Always the questions of why and how and I don't believe this.

[Crystal16]

Hello All,

I wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas...

I left my sister's early this evening, it was hard listening to everyones laughter as I sat there feeling the great saddness luring over me.

I pray that tomorrow is a better day and I can fake my way through it!

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

AMEN to that Dan, smiling down, shining down, beams of hope in all of their love, hope for us to find our way, using their light to find our way, using their hope as guidance.

Crystal, I understand the faking your way through it, just hang on Sweetie, a few more days of the too many visits and joyousness, soon you will be able to sit with your grief again. Blessings to you.

Betsy, my fav radio station has been interspersing Christmas rock songs into the daily music, (rock and alternative) and when the Boss sang Rudolph I thought of you and Rich listening to him, Betty too, I think you also like Bruce Sprinsteen and that Stephen was a fan. Anyhow, thinking of you tonight, knowing that the dates are difficult at best.

Love ya all.

[aim630]

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. It's been so hard, but just knowing you're here helps.

Betsy-Every day, I just want to scream WHY???

Ashley would always rush in on Christmas Eve after working, with her gifts unwrapped (while the rest of the family was waiting). So I'd help her wrap everything. She never waited to give Katie her present though. As soon as she bought it, she would be too excited to wait & would give it to her right away.

Thinking of everyone & hoping we all can get through the next couple of days with some peace, and prayers to all who have loved ones or friends that are sick.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[summergirl]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL..... I know how hard this time of year is for all of us, actually just about every day is hard, but the holidays just seem to bring an extra ache to our hearts. I am praying for all, a bit of peace, a bit of laughter, a whole lot of love.