Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Trudi----Yes....Michael Shane is always with you no matter where you go......always remembered, and always with you.

Crystal------Glad you popped in to BI. Miss you.

Betty----Oh, this @#%**@%% cold......it seems to go away one day, and then comes back again a day or two later. Never had

this type of cold before. . Would just like to have it and get it over with ! I probably shouldn't have gone out to play in the

snow with the grandies, but how could I say 'No' when they looked so eager and full of expectation. But, what the heck....it

probably won't make much difference with the cold.

Betsy----I'm glad that you told the story of you & Rich and the tree hunting. Yep,.....many times, people....even those close to us,

may get a puzzled look on their faces when we relate a story of our children that have left this world, but I say.....Tell it anyhow.

We're remembering them !! Other people can just wonder why. We know. We need to remember them....always.

Dee----We had two more gun hunting days for deer in OH......18th and 19th. My husband took Canyon, 6, for a long walk back to

the woods. On their way back, we saw a small herd of about 5 deer running for the woods.....white tails high in the air. They are

so swift. We thought that possibly someone was hunting nearby, and flushed them out, or they heard gunshots. That's over

for another year (gun hunting/deer ), so the deer are relatively safe now.....there is bow hunting, but not too many hunters in that

field.It will be nice for you & John to go to Jon & Shannon's on Christmas eve. We probably would not have had the big tree up

this year, except that it was my turn to host the Christmas tea,.....so we put it up. It will most likely come down very soon after the

holidays.

Kathy-----It is understandable that you are having a hard time right now, after all that you have been doing. Your energy level may

be down a bit, and of course feeling blue during these holidays......yikes.....no escaping it. Just rest and take care of yourself, friend.

Colleen----To answer your question about receiving Christmas cards with family photos. Yes, it certainly does make one feel bad. I

did not receive any with family photos this year....for which I am glad. For all of us here at BI with hearts scarred from loss, it can be

just the straw that breaks the camel's back, so to speak.

Rhonda-----So good that you took the poem "Always Remembered " to the gathering. Yes, your mom must be so broken up too. I

am thinking about you and all the others here that are facing their early angelversaries coming up. Stay close to BI, Rhonda. We

can all help each other through this difficult time. Peace to you, friend.

Lorri-----Nice pics......Ice skating....how nice. I can't skate a bit ...too uncoordinated, I guess. Nice bedroom. Also, don't blame

you for getting rid of the cards with family pics. Hard to look at them, I know.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL THE INDIGO fAMILY

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

LOL IM NOT COORDINATED. I WAS STANDING STILL....AND SAID HURRY BROOKE....I HAVE SHACKY ANKLES TOO...BUT I DID IT....

[ericasmom]

Sherry, glad that deer hunting season is over, now hopefully, they will have enough food. THe cold would probably do what it is doing whether you went out to play or not, it is a strong and stubborn virus. Do what you can to sleep and get out when you can for the natural help that being in the sunlight can offer.

I hope I didn't sound at all heartless or strange about the cards with photos, I just don't mind them and we have received many this year. I get many from my former students and from my many cousins and nieces and nephews. Now some of my kids friends are having children adn they send them too. Sherry, enjoy that tree, part of me wishes we would have put up lights outside but the other part of me is glad I have nothing to take down but a few decorations on the tabletops and window sills.

John and I visited his Mom who is in the hospital this evening. She is not seriously ill, so that's good. While we were inside with her the light snow became heavy and we have a few inches now and it is still falling. It sure is pretty, but slippery too. Everyone in snowy areas, be careful.

Rhonda, love the poem you posted with the photo. Thanks for sharing that moment in time.

[rlolheiser]

I am still here my friends. I am alright I think. There is just so much going on here, the stress is really getting to me. My daughter and I are at odds anymore all the time, the man has so much hold on her even from jail. She gives him everything of her, and it kills me to watch it. She has taken on the last name of the woman that I was friends with for over 20 years.. the one that stabbed me in the back and said I never loved JaBoa.. I don't understand my daughter choosing these people..and yet counting on me to be here for her and the kids.. I am at a loss...

I don't want to complain to you all.. so many of you have such fresh new hurts and sadness.. I wish so much to be strong for you. My day starts out with a fight and ends in a fight.. I just want the holidays over.. I don't want to remember this as the holiday I throw JaBoa's mom out. I try to keep mom in the dark, and not see the battles I have, and it is tough. She is coughing more, but I don't want to take her outside.. we have a storm going on right now.. more snow yuck! and she doesn't want to go in to the dr. it is like she is making a choice.. everybody is making a choice and I am stuck in the middle :-(

My youngest grandaughter, JaBoa's sister.. popped up with a question on the way to town yesterday. What would you do if I died in an accident?.... it knocked the wind out of me.. but I imagine she wonders.. she has been through so much first hand. I was driving on the dirt road (driving anymore petrifies her she is 8) I looked at her through the rear view mirror and told her.. it would be as sad as it is losing jaBoa.. it would hurt my soul .. my heart.. maybe even more because then I would have lost both of them. She didn't say another word.. I hope I answered right.

I probably shouldnt' share this bit of info.. but I am alone.. I hurt physically and mentally.. like I said.. saying it to somebody helps.. I am about to explode. I know deep down I will be alright, thanks everyone for all the pics.. and poems..

sending hugs and prayers

[Guest msnher]

On my best day my ankles weren't strong enough for ice skating. I can roller skate . You are cute as can be, Lorri!

Colleen - I owe you an apology. I did not post a reply to the question about happy Christmas letters and pictures. I was sarcastic and said "they are in denial". However, I've given it some thought and I realized they (the happy letters and pictures) don't bother me. The only people I receive letters and cards from have been through as much, if not more, as me. Come to think of it I don't really have any friends whose family hasn't suffered immense trials and tribulations. Not all of them have lost children (alot of them have) but they have had illness and heartaches. One of my friends who seems to have a perfect life has been through hell. I know the story behind her seemingly perfect family. I know she and her daughter were in a terrible car accident when her little girl was a baby. Her little girl was terribly burned and had to undergo skin grafs and several years worth of surgeries. She's happily married now with two children of her own. I can't help but be happy when she posts the pictures of her little family. We almost lost her and now she's a wife and a mother. I guess it would be easy to be mad because she lived and my daughter died, but I'm not. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I celebrate my friend's family's happiness. I also know her brother was just hospitalized because he was suicidal. Not everything is at it appears.

Then, there's my sister. Ahhhh my big sis. God love her. She's the one who lost a husband and two children. She remarried and together they have a daughter and my sister raised his two children. Look at one of her family pictures and read one of her letters and you'd think she had the epitomy of a perfect family. Not so. They just happened to get everyone together in the morning before the son got too high and obnoxious to take a picture and before the daughter in law threw a fit and swore they would never see any of the kids again.

Anyway, that's just my take on things.

Me. The one who told a group of people today that most people who seem to have it all together and the perfectly happy family are full of ca-ca. (except I said the s word).

I watched the faces fall as I began to speak saying, "I just want to wish you all a very Merry, Merry Winter Solstice and Happy eclipse." that got applause. I then said "For those of you who are find yourselves alone this Saturday try to remember it's just Saturday the 25th of December and it will come again next year. But, this soltice and eclipse won't be here again in our lifetime....mine anyway." I keep hearing that the real meaning of Christmas is Christ's birthday. Really? He was born sometime in the spring. Christians borrowed the pagans holiday to celebrate........tree and all. There's nothing wrong with that it's just hypocritical to get all upset because some people don't celebrate on Dec 25th when it wasn't HIS holiday in the first place.

There. I said it. I'm sure I'll regret it. Same thing with Easter.

It's like somebody told the Christians (and, yes, I am one) what they were celebrating and they were celebrating it on this day and the Christians blindly believed it. Now, I love Christmas. I love everything about it...including the references to Jesus. But, that's not even his real birthday. I hear so many people get mad because they write Xmas instead of Christmas. Give me a break. They get upset because people are taking Jesus out of Christmas. Look up the meaning of that X. Find out what it really means. How it really got started. It was no more an insult to him than people using a fish to represent him is. But, maybe, if he were human and like us, he MIGHT get upset because he doesn't even get to have his birthday on his real birthday. Instead he had to hide it behind a pagen holiday and then the Christians get mad at the pagens (which I'm one of those too) get mad because they celebrate THEIR holiday the way they have for ever.

I worked myself into a mad. It just all makes me so mad. And how I got to this subject through a little subject about family letters I don't know. I am going to do something unusual and shut up now because it all just chaps my hide!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

WANTED TO POST A PIC OF MY TOMARROW BDAY GIRL HOPE IT POSTS. LOL TU SUSZ.

[summergirl]

Suz - I am a Christian and I do not believe that Christ was born on December 25th - don't really know where it all came from and do not think I care to know...I believe Christmas has become too commercial, to much stuff, people get ugly and mean, people hate shopping and dealing with the crowds and most of the time I just here "I can't wait till Christmas is over" - so, I would not have Christmas at all if it were not for Tavian. Thanks for sharing your view....I love it.

Lorri - you are just too cute - love to ice skate but been alot of years - I am willing to try it with Tavian though so might be a good thing over our vacation...

Thank you everyone for your understanding and your wonderful words....it means so much to me.....Yes, the vacation with Tavian is definitley something I am looking forward to.....rest and have fun and also continue to do some things in the house...

So, last night I was on facebook and there was my sister-in-law talking to a friend she had not seen in a long time, so I am reading a few of the posts and suddenly I just stopped and stared....this is what she wrote "I lost my neice Jessica almost 5 years ago, it was rough for a while but Tavian is almost 9 now and he is being raised by my brother" --- YES - I was mad and I still am.... how dare she say it like that !!! I cannot even talk about it so all I can say is another one for "stupid things people say book".....God give me the ability to forgive.....

Peace, Love and Strength my friends, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - "God forgive the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid." Your honey's family has a few more than most. Well, Trudi's Micheal's family has a few, too. Hugs to you my friend!

Another stupid remark for our book that Dee's writing.....arent' you....writing it Dee? (say yes

A week ago I was with a group of friends and I didn't want to share that I got to visit heaven (only you guys get the WHOLE story...and a few select friends) anyway I shared I was doing so much better and loving life and ready to embrace life. A friend whom I've known for years (an old cowboy) says to me "Well, it's about time you got over this and started moving on."

Excuuuuse me!? I didn't become a saint just because I got to visit the heavenly realm. My shackles shot up quicker than a rattlesnake could strike. I got real quiet. When I am mad and quiet is when I'm ready to fight.

He says, "Well, you have to admit you've held onto this for a long time." He says.

"I don't think 16 months is a long time when your child dies." I glared at him. He backed off and later called to apologize.

I was ready to help my friend have the visit I just had only with a one way ticket.

Kathy - if you can let it go, let it go. They are not worth it. Sheese they say the damndest things to you.

[ericasmom]

Yes, someday the book entitled: OH NO...you did not just say that: Stories about the stupid things people say to grieving parents.

Kathy, your sis-in-law knew that you would see this or hear about it. Don't give her the satisfaction by responding.

[Chris]

I got another visit from David & this one totally rocked me in a very very sweet way because God reached me the only way He could, on David's level.

Remember when I was telling you all after David died about the butterflies? I was told that buterflies are our loved ones spirits coming to visit us. I thought it was sweet because butterflies are so beautiful. After David died and I was told that story I saw so many butterflies when I really needed to see them, usually I was angry or I was breaking down crying. I even said "hello David" to one that landed on the tailgate of the truck I was sitting on when they were setting David's headstone. I mentioned that I was going to be sad that winter was coming & I wouldn't get to see a butterfly until next spring.

Anyways. I have been going through a very rough time. My mother offically moved to another town & didn't tell me she was going, she's not spoke to me since my son died. This is how she deals with his death I guess but it still hurts. It's been 85 days since I last saw my son alive. I miss David so much. Last night I was pacing the house. I felt like I was looking for him. I turned the light on to the stairs again. This seems to be something I've been doing a lot lately just so I can look up to his room just praying he comes walking out into the light. I tapped on the wall like I always did to get his attention and was met by such sorrowful silence. I walked down to the lower family room and just sat at my desk crying. I spoke out loud to God and ask Him if I could please talk to David. I didn't understand why when someone dies we can't hear from them. I cried and said I need to know that where David has gone is worth my pain. While I was crying a song came to me that I use to sing in church all the time that touched my heart in a big way. It's called Shout To The Lord. It's one of those songs that drew me closer to God on a very personal level where he became my Father God instead of just God in heaven. I decided to go to youtube & listen to the song. I picked a video that had lots of pictures of moutains & animals. While the song was playing I sat & watched the beautiful pictures appear one after another and wished I could escape to those places far far away and leave my pain behind. I suddenly felt this warmth arround me like a hug. I went deeper into the song watching the pictures because it soothed me for a moment. Around the 2:33 mark in the video a picture appeared of a golden butterfly with a tattered wing sitting on a pink flower. It made me think of the story about the butterfly being our loved ones spirits visiting. I smiled. I realized that the picture wasn't changing but staying on that butterfly. I wondered why the person that created it would put all these pictures in their video & just stop halfway through with the same picture. It stayed this way through the end for about 2 mintues. The video ended and I still felt that warm hug. It was sweet but it was very peaceful. I clicked to share the video on my facebook page and then thought of the butterfly again & how odd it was the whole second half of the video but was please it was there because it made me think of my butterfly angel David. I decided I wanted to watch the video again so I went to my facebook wall where I posted it and began watching it again. The video got to the same spot where the butterfly appeared and there it was again only this time after about a few seconds it switched to another picture, then another, then another. I just sat there a little stunned and questioned myself that I really saw that butterfly stay on my screen while the music kept playing and I had even scrolled down to look at the comments to the video while it played so I know it wasn't froze up, but there it was, only a brief shot of the butterfly and then it was gone. I turned to David's picture on my desk and whispered "Was that you". I felt that warmth around me and knew in my heart he was there, that he was hugging me, that he was letting me know that everything is going to be alright, that he was alright. I started smiling and felt this burden lift from me and fill me with a joy I haven't felt in a long time. I knew it wasn't going to stay like that because my heart is still broken, I still miss David beyond words but I also know that I have an eternal journey with my son that will be worth all this pain I'm going through here on earth.

I don't even know if I made since trying to tell this right but it's pretty awesome to me that God used that video to let David speak to me. He's my butterfly with the tattered wing.

Oh & if anyone is up right now there is a full lunar eclipse going on outside. It will be totally awesome with it's full & the moon turns blood red. I wonder how it looks to our Angel's.

Night all,

David's mom, Chris

[mikesmomrs]

Stupid things people say...oh, man...many of us do meet up with some doozies, or worse, have them in our families or extended families. I'm with Dee on this one, too, Kathy...she knew you would see it...don't give her the satisfaction of acknowledging her ignorance. Sus: I don't know which part of your cowboy's statement I take more offense at---"It's about time," or "you got over this," or "Moving on." A bop in his head for each part sounds good---I liked your "one way ticket" idea, though...a lot!

Trudi: Weird weather...so sorry you are not having your usual warm time at the beach...good luck with the "families" Christmas...I know you will be glad to leave the hills again and get back to the beach...warm or not. Although, I am sure you will drain every drop of smile and joy out of the time with the grandies and bring it back with you, to keep you warm and help hold a smile in your heart.

Betty: Love all that you are doing for so many this Christmas...I wish I could join with you in your activities. Thank you for sharing.

Betsy---Bonnie---Karen---Marcia: you all doing okay?

Sherry: I meant to mention in my last post about your being out with the grandies in the snow...it is such fun, isn't it...I didn't get to go snow tubing last year, between the shingles and the lack of snow, never got the opportune time. Plan on watching for it this year, and making sure when that "window of opportunity" opens, I am dressed and ready to go!

Lorri: Loved the skating pic, and the shot of your beauty...birthdays suit her...beautiful cross, also.

My take on the pics and letters...somewhere between what Dee said and the rest said... a mixture of feelings...mostly, I just don't like the ones who feel they must brag about everything...for crying out loud...just tell me everyone is happy, show me pics of their sweet smiles, and then let the rest go...graduations come and go, good jobs come and go...I just want to know about the sweet love that is being shared and enjoyed. Sure, telling me that Susie graduated from college is great, but I don't need to know that she was the professor's very most favorite because she is the brightest thing that's entered their gates in a millenium. We all like to brag about our kids, but when it's to someone we speak to once a year, leave out the over-glorified details, please. Oh, well, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Leah: Please don't feel bad about coming here and writing about your problems...sometimes just writing them down does indeed make the load a little easier to carry, and you have so much that you are dealing with. Being here for you to vent to is the least we can do.

Rhonda: Love the picture of everyone, with the poem printed above. I am sorry that your mom experienced her sadness, but in a way, it shows that she truly misses him, also. Even without words to you (which of course we all know, some find hard to express), her reddened eyes conveyed her love to you.

We actually finally have some decorations on our tree. Damon will be here on Wednesday and I wanted to be sure he wasn't seeing our weird tree that only had lights, so we worked on it last night. All those re-memories, tumbling out of the boxes, sitting in my hands, so thankful for them, yet so torn that there won't be any more. My heart jumps and aches, all at the same time. Today I finally went to the doctors, (Ralph said he wasn't going to speak to me again til I did...). She said I have a cold. Wow! It has turned into a cough now, and she gave me an inhaler. No infection, thankfully. Which is the good result of going to the appt...I know it is not something "lurking." I am feeling better. I'm not back 100%, but I am getting there. I have so much to do, I had better be making some quick progress. After the doctor's appt, Ralph took me to "Lupper." (too late to call it lunch, too early to call it supper, so it's "lupper." It felt good to sit down to a hot, good meal (steak and potatos for me, tiny piece of steak and steamed veggies for him) and just relax. After, we went shopping. Well, I went shopping. He sat in the van. No surprise there. Anyway, after we came out of the restaurant, it had started to snow. By the time I came out of the first store, it was snowing harder. Not a lot, a dusting-type, but slippery. So, we crawled around town to the next couple of stores, but I think it always adds a nice touch to Christmas shopping in the snow. I did get some last-minute things done, though no food shopping yet. And I have to have the cookie stuff here before Wednesday, for Damon. So, it's out again tomorrow.

So, I am posting some pics of some of the decorations on our tree to share with you all...

Cathi made this in 1983 (these are bread dough ornaments---each one takes three days)

Ralph made this in 1983

Kim made this in 1983

Ralph made this in 1982

Mike's favorite ornament...actually, a "snow angel bear" he called it his "epileptic bear," because when he would pull the string quickly, it jumped all over the place. (I'm sorry if I offend anyone by that.) Later, when Mike developed epilepsy, we wondered how he would handle this bear...he still loved it...pulled the string, made it go crazy...I couldn't put this on the tree the first Christmas after Mike died...his best friend, Denis, put it on there for us.

this is the dragonfly that "found me" at the store last year...only one in the store, and the only one I've ever seen like it.

Of course, the sox have to be represented.

Dedicated to my best friend, Rita...we met in 1959...she left this earth in 2008, from cancer. She was my rock, always, and so very much there for me while Mike was ill...when he died, she helped hold me together.

Mike and I made this, together, in 1983...he was 8.

Treasures, many. Memories, many. Heartache...much. Gratitude...never-ending.

I hope you all don't mind my sharing so much of our Christmas tree. If I could "invite you all over" I would...this will have to do.

love and peace to all of my wonderful indigo family....I love you all, and thank God for the blessing of your presence in my life and my heart.

Carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Chris: I guess we were posting at the same time... Your story of the butterfly video brought tears to my eyes...I am so sorry that you were feeling so very alone and heartbroken...your speaking of the silence after you knocked on the wall for David gave me chills...so many of us have lived that silence, so many times. I am so glad that you were led to that video...and the butterfly staying there? Oh yes, your sweet David was letting you know that he is there, always, by your side. You are so new to this journey, Chris, and the pain is so very raw...I pray that you continue to be comforted by this incident...David loves you, and is sending his love and caring to you, always. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

As for the eclipse, we have too much cloud cover to see anything. It snowed earlier, and though it has stopped snowing, the cloud cover is still very thick. Holding you close in thought and prayer.

love and peace to you, Carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Chris - Your butterfly experience gave me butterflies! My insides are giving a standing ovation for the beautiful way your son (through God) was able to reach out to you. I, too, felt the emptiness you spoke of as you tapped on the wall at the bottom of the stairs. Hugs to you!!

2:51 exactly. I woke up without the alarm clock and hurried and put on my snow boots and heavy coat to watch the eclipse. Too much cloud cover. Can't see it. I'm bummed. But, I got on here and there you all are and I'm not so bummed.

Carol - I'm glad you and Ralph ate Lupper. I will now use that word, too. I'm also glad you went to the doctor. I love all the decorations on your tree. Thank you for sharing them!

Love to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Dee The Bears played quite a game It was exciting I could not see the eclipse either

Chris How beautiful to listen to your favorite hymn and have a lovely message from David I understand how hard that this is The missing is so hard.

Carol The pictures of your Christmas tree are beautiful Such lovely decorations with wonderful

re memoriesI am glad you went to the Doctor and had dinner. out. Please continue to take care of yourself I do love Mike's new avatar

Trudi Snow in your nice warm climate Hope you and MD stay warm.

Lorrie, I agree you and the Birthday Girl are lovely I hope you have a beautiful day today.

Sherry so sorry that miserable cold has you under attack again Please rest as Dee has urged and take care. I am so glad that deer hunting season is nearly over and I know you will then enjoy seeing them out your window again.. I love your families Christmas tradition --- a Christmas tea It sounds so wonderful

Rhonda Speaking of Family Traditions I really respect your family gatherings where the host asks if anyone needs to speak That is beautiful I loved that you brought Wesley's picture and the poem to the gathering it was appropriate and the picture lovely.. So sorry that mom had tears.

Susannah I must agree with you about the families who have had difficulty and rebounded. If I receive a Holiday picture card from someone who had a hardship and had overcame it, I too have treasure it and honor them I have one such friend, the others are in tact families who like to brag about their great successes. These are the cards I feel disrespect my pain.

Kathy One of the many reasons I dislike Face Book I am so sorry for the face book posting . It was so insensitive and no doubt a set up for you to engage. she is not worth it

Leah Oh I am so sorry that your daughter is so intoxicated by this difficult relationship. I know it is hard to try to just carry on without arguing . The more you fight with her about him the more she wants him. You know how destructive this relationship is , as much as possible just let it play out She may just see the light. I will pray

Carol I do love the Christmas Season. The music, the bright shinning lights, the decorations, the food, and especially the re memories . I do understand how the Christian Holidays of Christmas and Easter are arbitrary days and symbolic of the events that happened so long ago and have little to do with the actual dates. I love the symbolism that they represent and treasure the events . I have warm memories of Christmas and like to maintain the Sprit of the Day. When I was in Jerusalem this past September and walking the road to the top of the hill of Calvary the guide noted that 2,000 years ago the level of the hill was much further down. 2,000 years of civilization the top soil had changed the depth of the hill but the event actually happened there It was different but still so very important.

Sonya, Crystal, Marcia, Bonnie, Colleen, Betsy, Karen and all Indigos please stay warm and safe

[Guest msnher]

Betty - If I had friends like that I suppose it would bother me, too. I know it would. Come to think of it, I've only received two Christmas cards this year, though. Curious. I don't remember opening any last year. I don't know what I did with them.

Well, all the school kids are going to the new movie theater to watch Tangled and Narnia. Tangled for the younger kids. Narnia for the older. Here's my problem; they're wearing their pajamas!!! I said absolutely not and called the school to voice my disappointment and tell the secretary who has absolutely nothing to do with it that they are teaching out kids to be irresponsible. This is what happened to the future of our nation, etc. So, Mariah cried because I said they couldn't wear their pajamas to the movies and Grandpa said let them wear them.

So, my grandchildren---my children---are wearing their pajamas to school, riding a buss to the new movie theater and going out in public in their pjs.

I hope they don't see anyone we know.

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: I don't know how I would feel about the pj thing...haven't got enough time today to think about it, actually, pathetic as that may sound. Not "rushing about" with seasonal "busy-ness" that undermines the sense of the season, but rushing about trying to "recover" the house from my illness and also Ralph's shall we say (for lack of a better description), "lack of devotion" when it comes to "picking up." Anyway, just thought I would add a bit of lightness to it by telling you that I read an article in Reader's Digest a few years ago showing that since the Chinese have been liberated from the strict rules they had lived under, many have taken to wearing their pajamas everywhere---shopping, work, whatever. Most took to the flannel type pjs with a shirt-style top, but they all said that it was the "most comfortable clothing made," so why not? However, I do think that there is a time and place for everything, and while times and places can be "stretched," I do think there has been too much "stretching" lately.

Betty: thank you for your sweet words and good wishes.

Still snowing here....I think it could snow like this (fine, scattered) for a week and there would be no accumulation, though there still is some on the sidewalks and grass from last night.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Chris

My experiences in this grief journey are "Our kids and our Lord speak to us all the time - we just have to listen"

Also, I have also learned that my 5 senses are not always used to "see" Brian. I feel him as a warmth inside me. As a "knowing"

I am so glad you were able to smile for even a short period of time. You are a strong women and will be much better without negative influences in your life.

Indigos

Tonight is the Christmas Party with my friends who have no clue - Georgia and Judy. I will have to go to this party like Brian is still alive. Not talk about him and listen to Georgia talk about her kids.

I have tried (on numerous occations) to tell Georgia how I really feel (via e-mail). She does not respond. She cannot handle my pain; therefore, when I am with her, I have to act like I do not have any pain.

We have been friends for almost 15 years. Our visits have become shorter and farther apart. It is hard to act like nothing happened.

Wish me luck

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Sus,

In my humble opinion, wearing pjs to school (once a year) for a movie is not the worst thing thst could happen. My 17 year old would wear his pjs to school every day if I let him!!!

It's OK -

Colleen

[ericasmom]

PJ's at school have become a trend. As a a teacher, I have had PJ parties once per year where the kids can either wear them to or bring them to school. It is one day and made special because of that. Most the teachers have a PJ party and even the principal wears her PJ's once a year. I will not however, but bring my robe to tie around my clothes, however not this year since the hot flashes are threatening all the time. PJ's on the bus must be very exciting and to go to a movie theater, I think it sounds like a very fun celebration that the whole school is taking part in and I am glad that your kids Sus, are as well. It is across the whole school so really, not wearing them will stand out more than wearing them adn the local paper will probably show this as a sweet human interest story. I think what schools are saying to kids is this: One day per year, we will take a break from some of the pressures that bind us adn relax. A good thing.

Col, perhaps tonight you can start out by saying something about Brian, as you should never pretend he is gone to statisfy anyone else's inability to acknowledge his death nor his life. You can perhaps say, Hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable but if so, that is the way it is, but this is our first year of staying home for Christmas since Brian died. We are looking forward to what it brings.

Just my thoughts. If she is your good friend, she still will be, if not so good anymore, oh well. My oldest friend is someone I don't feel close to anymore, and I don't quite know how to let her know. I don't want to be cruel, but my heart just does not feel good around her. She is a drain to my spirit and yet I feel some obligation to holding on to our relationship...we have nothing in common anymore other than our past, and that is not enough.

Betty, I do agree with you and a few others that do not like the newsletter kinds of christmas cards. I do not want to know who is working where, who celebrated their birthday adn who came over, nor the vacation plans. I usually find it very self-centered and boastful. I do not read them through. I do however like most of the cards that we receive, they kind of feel like a warm scarf around me, letting me know that they are all well.

Carol, love the lupper you and Ralph shared, adn the day together. So glad you are feeling somewhat better, but you adn Sherry have the "cold" that many of us had here and it does last a long time. I know you will get the cookie ingredients together for Damon and that the day will be lovely with him near and the warm kitchen emmiting aromas of Christmas past and present. The ornaments are so beautiful, each one a story that will forever warm you. I love Mike's favorite, it is jolly like he is.

Chris, I do so love your butterfly story, it was there for you in answer to your question, why can't we communicate? You can, you will continue to on this new level. The gift of all gifts in this sad time is knowing now, that YOUR SON is fine, he is right near you, warming you with his presence. Lovely. One day while walking in the woods, I stood on a little incline and just said in a loud voice, WHERE ARE YOU ERI? I hadn't felt her near in a while, and also just felt lonely...I turned to walk back down the inclind and there in my vision was a beam of light, like a shower of light in the spot before me, I saw where it shone from, and I saw the thick rays, and yet the sun had been up for several hours and was not overhead in that place. It was Erz, I know it was and snapped a photo that I have used since as my screen saver. My heart saver, my spirit reminder that she, SHE is near. I will try to post it in a while.

[ericasmom]

Hopefully, this will be the shaft of light photo.

see ya

[Guest msnher]

Okay. You guys are right. I will let up about the pajama thing. The kids were quite happy in their pajamas, snow boots and coats. I did have them take a change of clothes just in case.

Well, when you put it THAT way, Colleen, I guess you're right absolutely.

Prayer request - please pray for Charlotte Sylvester. She is my granddaughter, Jordynn's other grandma. She and her family were in a roll over yesterday and she was thrown from the vehicle. They were on their way to Casper and hit some black ice and lost control of the vehicle. The roads were too bad to transport her to Casper so she is in ICU in Cheyenne with broken ribs and a punctured lung. One of her grown daughters suffered a broken collar bone. The other adult daughter and her two children are sore, but otherwise not harmed. Charlotte's other daughter, Crystal, died of brain cancer a few years ago. She was only 22 (I think). I just got off the phone with Charlie, my grandbaby's daddy (he still calls me Mom) and he said she is now breathing on her own but they have a tube in her side to pump up the lung. I think that's what he said. Your prayers will be appreciated.

Love to you all

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Dee - What a heartwarming experience of love and proof that your Eri, as all our angels, are still with us. I love the photo of the sunlight. Wow!

Carol - Stength for the party, my friend! In many ways this Christmas is a different kind of first for you and your family. Being at home and all. Hugs to you.

I called the school secretary and told her I had a change of heart about the pajamas. She just laughed.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Carol-All the bread dough ornaments were so cute. I'm glad you're feeling better in time for the holidays.

Susannah-They have pj parties at some of the elementary schools here, too. I don't remember them doing that when my kids were little, though. Maybe nobody will recognize them!

Dee-The bright light sounds beautiful. I would like to see the picture when you get a chance. What about those Bears?

Chris-I'm glad you were able to feel David as you watched the butterfly in the video. Mostly I feel Westley's absence. I wish I could feel his presence more, maybe I'm just not paying attention?

Betty-My friend Ruth Ann and her husband went to Israel last year. It was her 2nd trip, his first, but they said it was amazing to see all the places we read about in the Bible. Weren't you a harem girl while you were there? (Kidding, don't hit me)

Leah-So sorry that things are not getting much better and thinking of you every day. It sounds like JaBoa's sister is struggling with what happened as she grows a little older, so sorry that she is having to deal with thoughts that I can't even process most of the time. Hugs to you friend.

Lorri-Love the pretty picture of the birthday girl.

Colleen-Good luck at the party. It is so hard to be around people who want you to deny your pain, if not your child.

Susannah-BTW, when somebody says something about moving on, I think its appropriate to ask them if that's how long they mourned when their child died, since they obviously know as much about it as you do. If they say they haven't lost a child, I think its appropriate to tell them that you won't tell them how to live their life with all their children if they won't tell you how to live your's without all your children. Just a thought. I can be a **tch when necessary and sometimes even when its not.

Trudi, Sherry, Sonya, Karen, Bonnie, Marcia, Dan, Greg, Claudia, Betsy,all I forgot to list, I am thinking of you all every day and wishing you at least a moment of peace this Christmas season when you feel the presence of your angel

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I love it! "I won't tell you how to live your life with your children and you don't tell me how to live mine without mine." (PS - you say Bitch like it's a bad thang)

[Guest msnher]

Okay. Time to put the computer up and get busy...again...love you all!

[lolynbo]

THANKS GUYS/GALS FOR THE BDAY WISHES FOR MY GIRL...

DEE DONT FORGET WHEN YOU WRITE THAT BOOK, PUT "OH I NO THEY DIDNT, JUST SEND US A PICTURE OF HAPPY FAMILIES AT CHRISTMAS"....WE SPOKE OF THIS JUST THE OTHER DAY...IM GLAD THEY ARE HAPPY BUT I DONT NEED TO BE REMINDED...WHAT IF WE SENT OUT PIC CHRISTMAS CARDS WITH ME, MONTY, KODY, CODY AND KIMMY WITH A BLANK WHITE SPACE THAT SAYS OUR MISSING ANGEL?...PPL WLD THINK ???? KINDA WEIRD...IDK...WE KNOW THEY ARE GONE...

GOT THE BACK DOOR OPEN ITS ANOTHER NICE DAY IN OKLAHOMA....I THINK I HAVE FINISHED THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPN...MY WALLET SAYS I HAVE ANYWAYS...

I WOUND UP GETTN KODY A NEW COMPUTER TOWER AND DAD GOT HIM HEADLIGHTS FOR HIS TRUCK...HIS OTHER ARE HORRIBLE..

WELL CHRISTMAS EVE IT WILL BE ME, MONTY, KODY, CODY, KIMMY, BROOKE...AND WE WILL MAKE A GINGER BREAD HOUSE OUT OF THE KIT...(KODYS IDEA)...HAVE FINGER FOOD...BBQ LIL SMOKIES, ROTEL CHEESE DIP, SPINAGE DIP, AND BUFFELO WINGS....(SDS GOOD TO ME)...PLAY SOME GAMES, OPEN OUR STOCKINGS AND PUT THEM AWAY (SO I DONT HAVE TO SEE KOURTNEYS EMPTY CHRISTMAS MORNING) THEN GO LOOK AT THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS....THEN GET HOME SO MS CLAUS CAN PUT OUT THE GIFTS....

I HOPE YAL ARE WATCHING THE SHOW I TOLD YOU ABOUT..."I SURVIVED BEYOND AND BACK"...IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES KNOWING WHAT OUR ANGELS EXPERIENCED/EXPERINCE....ITS ON BIO...PLZ WATCH IT...

HAVE A BLESSED DAY

[ericasmom]

Leah, I do think that JaBoa's sister is also testing the waters, trying to see how she affects others that she loves, trying to find her place among all the loss. I know she must worry, we know that we do so why wouldn't she, she also probably has survivor guilt which makes her wonder why she is still here? I wish you a more peaceful day, God knows you should have one or two sprinkled into the season. I am sorry that your daughter is still addicted to the man who is so bad for her, but from experience with friends who love bad men, it is something as powerful as heroin. I pray she finds the truth in the world, and quits following the lies and the darkness.

Prayers Sus, for your Godchild.

[westleysmom]

Dee-I think we posted at the same time. Thanks for posting the shaft of Eri-light picture. I liked it so much I saved a copy. I can just imagine all of our angels standing in the light, warm and safe and happy when our wait to see them is finally over.

[carriebear]

Hello Indigos,

I missed y'all something fierce when the site was down, thinking I'd been blocked from reading while at work...not a good feeling.

Dee, I love the photo, wow what energy captured in that picture...thanks for sharing.

I only have a minute to post and I wanted to share this service, in case anyone is interested maybe you can find one near you.

It's called The Longest Night service, or Blue Christmas, a service for people struggling with grief and loss during the holidays. Momma Donna & I have gone the past 2 years, and although I cry the whole time, it is somehow comforting to be with others who are also bereaved. Each participant is allowed to light a candle at the altar in honor of their lost loved one. The first year we went to a Baptist church for the service, last year a Lutheran church and the experience was very similar, so please don't disregard it if you're not a 'churchy' person, I'm not either...

Here's a brief description http://thebeacon.net/news/local-news/3185-firelands-church-holds-service-of-the-longest-night

Hugs & lots of love, Indigos, thank you all for being here & sharing, I feel blessed even through my missing to know such beautiful souls as yourselves & ALL OUR ANGELS.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I was going to write you to tell you to scroll down but you have and I am so glad that you liked it. It was just as I said, the sun is way off in the distance on an angle as it was about 8:30 or 9:00 AM, and boom when I turned around after asking WHERE ARE YOU ERI? the shaft of light. It looks like a shower the light is so full and shaped as showering down. I was so lucky to have captured that on film, and like I said, I have used it ever since as my screensaver. Please enjoy it.

Carrie, so good to see you. Tell Momma Donna that we are holding her as well as you in the light of our loved ones this season, every season. THe service you attend sounds lovely and the words that invite folks in are so right on. Good for you Carrie, following your heart and your spirit to the healing events in this world.

[Chris]

Dee that picture is so awesome!!! It's simple but right there in your face, just like the butterfly for me.

Carol I love the ornaments. I'm not ready to get in that box yet so I have new ones up this year.

I was in Wal-Greens the other day & saw these little ornaments for .99 in this bin, right on top was this bell that said "Every time a bell rings another angel get's it's wings"

I bought 2 of them, one red & one gold.

As for the pj debate. lol

Our school does pj day several times. Tomorrow the kids are to wear their pj's and bring a lap blanket, pillow & a stuffed animal if they want. They are going to drink hot coco and watch the Christmas Express movie. Last year we took pictures of them, they were so cute. The boys were wearing sponge bob Christmas flannels. I would have dressed like that every day for school if they had let me, the more comfortable the better. lol

Colleen, I was thinking that this morning. I wonder how many times when I was breaking down that David was comforting me but I was so distraught that I just didn't know. I am going to try and listen more closely, especially those times when I need to hear him the most. I want to hear him more, not just when I'm about to fall into a billion pieces. I guess David needs to re-train me to listen to him. lol

I stayed up & watched the eclipse. I took some pictures but a friend of mine took some that were so much better. Mine just looked like this little orange in the sky. lol

It was cool watching it, I wish it had been summer so the moon was closer to us. Seeing the moon turn blood red is a little eerie. I was worried I'd see 4 horsemen go by. (jk)

Tonight we are going to Rick's work Christmas party. This is a big one. He works for the electric company in our area. I'm not wanting to go but Ariel has been going on about seeing Santa tonight that I have to see this.

I don't want to be the alien in the room. It's weird how people make me feel that way these days. I'm that "poor woman that lost her son" instead of being Chris or David's mom or whatever. I don't want pity, just compassion or leave me alone. Very simple.

[ericasmom]

Chris, I hope that you are able to enjoy some aspects of tonights party. Perhaps it will be the joy of Ariel seeing Santa...I hope that you feel the butterfly magic all around you.

[aim630]

Rhonda-I do love your reply to those who want to tell us how we should grieve, or how we should be getting "over" it.

Chris-I am glad you were able to feel David's presence. Like Rhonda, I just seem to feel Ashley's absence more. Maybe I'm just missing the signs that are there. I hope the party was at least tolerable. Hopefully Ariel's excitement will help you get through it. There is nothing like the wonder of little children. At first, it was hard to be around my stepkids' children, but lately I found I enjoy it more.

Carol-I love the bread-dough ornaments. My favorite ornament is one Ashley made in preschool. It is an angel made from a styrofoam cup with a white bulb at the top and her handprints as wings. I also hung up her angel that was hanging in her hospital room.

Dee-Loved the sunlight streaming from the trees when you needed a sign from Eri. I wish Ashley would send me signs, but maybe she's so busy socializing she forgets (just like when she was here!).

Lorri-Your posts usually make me smile. I wonder what people would do if we sent out cards with a blank spot. I also liked your comment about your wallet telling you that you're done shopping. I should have listened to my wallet a couple of weeks ago. The food you are serving sounds good.

Leah-I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with your daughter. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. Just know you can always come here & let us know how you're feeling, and we all care about you.

To everyone I didn't mention, I'll be thinking of you.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[rlolheiser]

hey.. thanks for listening..

I tried to watch the eclipse but to much snow falling..and fog to see anything. We got 4 more inches yesterday.

Chris, I really enjoyed your sharing of the butterfly story. I am glad that David visits you.

Carol, wow.. what a tree.. such precious ornaments and memories, I am sure Damon will enjoy your tree. Thank you for sharing. Thanks for understanding that I need to vent, here there is just nobody that wants to listen.

Betty, I agree with you that the more I object to my daughter's relationship she will dig her heels in. I just don't know how much to close my eyes to. She stops everything she is doing and that includes things with and for the kids. She stops the world just for him. When he wants to talk to the baby, she stops him in his tracks and makes him talk on the phone, the baby can be sleeping. The phone calls aren't once or twice a day but they are all day long. She is using what little money she has to buy him phone cards, and I get to pay for the grands. It wouldn't bother me so much if she didn't have to buy

him and what he wants...makes me frustrated. Tomorrow we go to another dr appointment due to her health..and I get tired of giving... and on another note.. it sounds like a beautiful trip to Jerusalem, very spiritual. I try to teach the little ones that the days probably aren't exactly right, but teach them that Christ was born.. and they love the stories.

Susannah..I have sent my prayers for Charlotte.. my heart feels so for them....

it was hard for me the first time to send the grands to school in pajamas.. it didn't seem right, but I have gotton used to it, at least once a year. Coleen is right, the older they get.. the more they try to wear them all the time. My grands used to tell me it was ok to wear certain pants.. they weren't really pajamas.. and everybody else does it :-)

Coleen, thinking about you at your party and hoping you have as good a time as possible. I wish your friends would understand your feelings.

Rhonda, thanks for the hugs.. it is so hard to know what to do and say to help her grieve.. like you say.. it is hard enough for us.

Dee, it is hard.. she quit the one drug for him. She doesn't see it.. I worry that my husband will reach his end before I do. I can't blame him, our house is so tense anymore.. all he wants is her to love herself and her kids.. and he doesn't understand that she doesn't..... I love the shaft of light.. such beautiful thoughts and sights of Eri.

Amy, thank you for your kind words.. thanks for caring.. I know without this place I would be lost. this last week, I feel pain from the stress.. I used to handle it so much better.

I guess.. time to move it.. my furnace isn't working and I have to go out to check stuff.. my husband can't see to walk through the snow.. so i am elected.. hope I get it working again..I better not be out of propane..

Thinking of you all.. thanks for listening

[Guest msnher]

A perfect end to a perfect day. Day two of forcing myself to not only get up, but to shower, dress nice, do my hair and put on makeup. I even donned earrings, a necklass and a watch AND I still had energy left to take the kids to school. I went to a meeting and did some more shopping. I, too, saw the bells at WalGreens.

I picked up happy children from school. All of you were right. 300 kids came out in their pajamas. Mine would have been the only ones without them had Gary not said to let them wear them. The kids wrapped their Christmas presents to their dad. He'll spend the night Christmas eve so he can watch them open their presents Christmas morn. They did not want help wrapping. They did a pretty good job. Jonathon used a whole thing of tape to wrap his small box. It's only tape.

We all got a little sad watching a Christmas move "Jack Frost". The dad dies in a car accident and comes back as a snow man. It was perfect for kids. We then tried to find a picture that would fit in the frame/snowglobe we bought for their dad and I found myself lingering on Stephanie's pictures. I caught myself becoming sad, longing to touch her face, but forced myself to focus on my visit instead.....but, I still miss her. I suppose I will until we are reunited.

Our angels are always with us. They will find a way to let us know. Even make a sunray where the sun isn't shining......freeze the pain of a video on a butterfly....drop a heart in our path...make a bird land on our shoulder. It carries us through the next breath........but, damn, the breath after that sucks!

I'm breaking a rule. I'm allowing Mariah to sleep with me tonight. Grandpa's out of town and she insists she's too scared to sleep in her room because the light in her lava lamp burned out. Lava lamps chase away monsters, don't ya know... It's a fact.

She snores. Mariah is my first grandchild. I was single and living in a nice, two bedroom apt when she was born. Stephanie left her with me a lot. Sometimes saying I could keep her forever but she would always get mad at me and grab her away from me telling me I could never see her again. Anyway, when she was newborn, she was so little, and I didn't have anything for her to sleep in and I was afraid of rolling over on her so I put her in a laundry basket right by my bed. We've grown together, she and I.

Her middle name is Dawn and I've always called her "Mariah Dawn". She used to call me Grandma Dawn. And, now, she is sleeping next to me, twitching and snoring and kicking. One of us may end up sleeping on the sofa. I bet it will be me.

Hugs to you, Leah. Strength to endure another day.......one day at a time.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Oh. My perfect day didn't go quite according to plan. Dinner dishes are still in the sink. Two loads of laundry aren't folded and there's a load in the dryer. There is toothpaste in the kid's sink and scraps of wrapping paper don the living room table.....yep. just perfect.

Nite all.

Oh. And, TONIGHT, the sky is clear and the beautiful full moon is just gorgeous.

[kmb22]

Edit

[ericasmom]

Karen, it does make sense where all sense of normal is gone. Everything takes on a new or different meaning and the petty things that folks carry on about are tiring adn beyond dealing with. It is an exhausting experience, grief. One day it will not be as it is today. Glad you like the photo of the light. I like the two backgrounds for the poem, the red really grabs me with that cross standing in the sun.

Leah, I am praying that you have heat for your home tonight and on through the winter. I am sorry that your husband is sad about your daughter. I am going to say more prayers for your family, for your daughter to stop the terrible addiction. All day long calls are his way of keeping her tied to him. It is sick, he is a sick and ugly man. I sure wish she would quit feeding his control with her lack of control.

[mikesmum]

Mike's favorite ornament...actually, a "snow angel bear" he called it his "epileptic bear,"

Carol - Mike and Mike so similar in their sense of humour.....Love the bread dough ornaments, memories aplenty.

I got back here Monday night, Christmas tree in tow. Its decorated lights and all. The special ornaments that each grandchild was given as they joined our family are here. The last of the ornaments from when my kids were very little hold pride of place. Mikes knitted bells (2 left) also hang proudly.

Mal started his 6 days off last night. We decided to do some late night shopping. Best I can tell you is that as I was trying to count how many we would be having for Christmas and I lost my mind. Tears, no words, no breath and a crowd who just stared. Cant remember getting to the car or home for that matter. Just remember lying on my bed and crying like I did day one. Head has been pounding all day.

Kathy - Dumbass and the things they say.....Of course Barry is a single grandparent living a lonely life while you.....hang on don't you work, AND raise you grandboy?? DUMBASS. Just like the solicitor for my company tht said I 'hid behind my son's death so I wouldn't have go back to work'. Yep, didn't want to work, so Mike dying was my out......

The weather here is picking up, sunshine today...lots of walks with Muttley, cant stand being here without the distraction of grandies.

Have set up my 'remember me candles' with the new pic of Micheal snapped from the DVD.

New Avatar - Micheal Shane 18 months old....in the front yard of my folks house...

Bone weary tonight.....too much too soon, too long gone.......

[shorty16]

Karen

You said what I have been thinking for over 2 years now :I vow to never be that angry again"

Since Brian's death, the bad memories haunt me. I am getting better at replacing those memories with the thousands of good ones we had. Having said that, I am a different Mother now. I talk to my kids - treat them respectfully and expect the same in return. I vow to really, really try to make good memories.

Only one problem - I am Aaron's Mother, not so much a best friend. Sometimes, AJ pushes me, because he knows what is going on. I push back, but in a "constant reminder" type of way instead of yelling. It is like a mosquito that will not stop buzzing around your head until you do what I ask. Instead of a bull.

Works much better

Thanks Karen

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Col and Chris, how were the parties last evening?

Going out for a walk, then to do some last minute things. Morning All.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Trudie I agree--too much too soon too long gone Please take care. I do understand that sadness. I believe I survice the Holiday by going to events and leaving as they become too much Then I come home and am alone with my memories and sadness. I am glad the weather has improved and tha MD is available for long walks.

Karen loved whst you did with the Poem You are very creative

Sherry and Carol I hope you are feeling better

Sus Prayers on the way for Charlotte I do hope you were able to get some much needed sleep last night and that the Lava lamp can be fixed today.

Colleen I must agree this loss has found me much more patient and compassionate and slow to anger.

Dee I hope you enjoyed your walk I have a Christmas dinner tonight with some former co workers and I see wher Koonnie has set up a Chat for this evening at 8 PM I hope I will be back in time

If not I wish each of you a Holiday warm with the sweet memories of your angels and the beauty of Season.

[ericasmom]

Betty, I will try to come on tonight as well, I did not see where it is set up. I hope that you have a wonderful evening. I do what you do as well, come home and have time alone with my memories of my Daughter, our time alone. It is imperative to honor that time for me to survive the holidays and all the days.

Trudi, I think that your heart is holding such pain that it needs to let loose as it did when you were counting heads. That missing chair, chairs. I wish you so much goodness, I sure wish I could give you what it is you miss so terribly. We are all of us feeling that MISSING PIECE more than ever at the holidays.

Just now, home from a walk I glanced out into the yard where several birds were pecking away at some snow-covered plants. WE do not cut them back in the fall for this very reason, seed heads from which to feast and rest upon. Lovely scene, cardinals, finch, sparrow, and maybe a junco.

May there be some sense of beauty and messages all.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's,

Rough night last night. Not as rough as it was when the kids first came to live here, but it was a night of sleep interupted. Seems yesterday at school children were talking about the "bad man" who moved in just down the hill from us. The police handed out fliers, but we didn't get one. When I found out about it I said they would probably give us one today. Because of what the "bad man" did to my children with their dad's ex girlfriend, the children understand all too well what that label implies. I thought I had calmed them because not another word was spoken about it and I simply put it out of my mind. Jasmine kept worrying he was going to start a fire here. It didn't occur to me this morning why THAT was her fear. Flier...fire. She got the two confused. I allowed them to stay home from school this morning. They were going to get out at 11. The school understands our situation so they understood why I allowed the kids to stay home.

I am so torn. We can't afford to move. We shouldn't have to move. But we seem to be surrounded by people on the registry. I'm surprised by some of the faces/names on there. Several women, even. Some I even know. I was told, "They have to live somewhere". when I called the police last year. Since my part of town is a poorer part of town, I guess it's easier to have them here. I hate being so paranoid. The people who hurt the kids were people they knew. Not strangers like these people are. Except for the "bad man". We don't know who he is. They blindfolded the kids and he wore a mask.

I'm sorry to be such a downer.....it's hard to stay connected to my heavenly visit and the love and joy it left me feeling when there is so much darkness in the world. So much sadness.

Thanks for listening,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

About anger.

When Steph first died I was softer. Raw and exposed. I so wanted to love everyone. Stephanie had struggled so hard for so many years that I reached out to everyone slightly like her just to love them....partly because I didn't put up with much from her.

Then, I got harder and less patient and tolerant. Instead of lashing out, however, I just went to bed.

I still miss my Stephanie, but I am not weighed down by the ugliness of my grief right now. And, while I am excited about where Stephanie is, I am not excited about how difficult life is. All the sorrow. All the pain. That all still weighs heavy on my heart. I am also still a yeller. I'm trying to make myself stop it, but sometimes my frustration at the children wins out. I'm a lot better than I was when my kids were young, but I still screw up.

[Guest msnher]

This picture was on Stephanie's phone. She must have been trying to take a picture of the deer (hard to see in the middle of the pic). I don't know what she was doing at the cemetary.

I don't know if you can see it, but what stuck out for me was the white energy seeming to radiate from some of the graves and headstones. How ironic that she would take this picture before she died.

[shorty16]

Indigos

The Christmas party with my two friends went pretty well. Judy does not have any kids and I think she is lonely - Why do I say that? It took her 1/2 hour to tell a story that should have taken 10 minutes. Every painfully, boring detail.

Judy was telling us a story about a play they went to and the person behind them was crying. I said "Well, perhaps that person had a recent death in the family? - We do not know" Judy's reply "Well, ya, but not in public" I am thinking YA, I have been there, done that in public. It seems so glaring to me now....the insensitivity. Was I really that shallow?

Georgia, however really tried to understand. I did get the froozen look when I mentioned Brian, but before I left Georgia hugged me and said "I know this Christmas is your first at home, and I will say a prayer for you" That was very nice.

The party was OK.

Colleen

[lolynbo]

$1700 SPENT AND JUST LOOKED AT THE CHRISTMAS STOCKING STUFFERS, AND I DIDNT GET KODY ENOUGH SO BACK TO WM TODAY...I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I NEVER SPEND OR DO ENOUGH...THEN YOU THINK GEE THE MONEY I SPENT WLDA BEEN A GREAT TRIP....

CLAUDIA JUST LOOKED AT THE PICS OF THE GIFT BASKETS, YOU MY FRIEND ARE AN ANGEL AMUNG US....MY HAT IS OFF TO YOU AND YOUR LIL ELVES...REMIND ME NEXT YEAR AND I WILL DONATE AGAIN...HOPEFULLY MORE..THEN JUST THE ONE FAMILY...

IF YAL GET A CHANCE LOOK AT HER PICS ON FB....IT IS OVERWHELMING

[lolynbo]

HERES ONE

[westleysmom]

If you want to be on the chat tonight, do you just go to the chat tab at the top of the page? I hope to remember it and get on and wasn't sure if that's all you have to do?

Susannah-You're not a downer. I'm sorry the bad man is making the kids nervous, but I don't blame them after all they've been through. I could see the light in the cemetery picture, but the deer were kind of hard to make out.

Colleen-I'm glad the party was okay and Georgia at least tried. As a single person with no kids, Judy doesn't seem to have much empathy (is that the right word?) for people who are having a hard time. Oh, yeah, I've cried in public and I guess people thought I was crazy too.

Lorri-I'm like Betty, not on FaceBook, so can't look at the pics. But it sounds like you've done enough shopping to be ready for Christmas!

Karen (I think) the poem with the pictures was so pretty. I'm so not very computer savvy to do stuff like that.

Betty-I hope you are back to get on tonight, but if not, I hope you have a good dinner with your friends.

Did anybody here put anything in the paper on the 1 year anniversary of your child's death? That is something that a lot of people do in our local paper, and I was just thinking that it is coming up soon and trying to decide whether to do that or not. Most of the time it is a poem and a picture with the names and birth-death dates and who put it in there (Mom and Dad, etc.) I thought about using the Always Remembered poem, but there may be more different ones that you all have used or know about that would be nice too. Just wondering what your thoughts are on this.

Trying mightily to get through these next few days with some sense of the holiday season. I know as we all do, that every day can be the last that you spend with someone and if I had known that as truly last Christmas as I do this one, I might have done it all differently. So anyway, I hope to be able to get on the chat tonight and that some of you are able to be there.