Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

I try to enjoy the days when I feel Ok . I know the other days are coming. In fact I have started to see that I am becoming angry with family and strangers over nothing That is a sure sign I am heading toward a dark place. . Now that I am thinking about it, maybe I was snapping at everyone because I was not connected to my Indigo Lifeline We will see.

Betty - You have captured exactly how I have been feeling. Family, Christmas 'celebrations' have taken a toll. I was to attend an Ambulance Christmas function yesterday. When I expressed that I didn't think I could make it I was met with "but its Christmas, we should all celebrate together, I'll see you at 6". Well by 4 I was checking in on Jeya and by 4.30 I was heading down the beach with MD in tow.

I have to admit, this site being down did cause slight anxiety.

I have posted two pics of my grand girls. Emily Jade Graduated from Primary school last night. Her mum posted pics on FB. OMG where did those years go. The next is Jeya, the shades are to protect her eyes. She is photophobic with the erosions that erupt on her eyes. But a bubble blowing session will not be put off....Take Care Indigoes

[mikesmomrs]

Just a few words, believe it or not, because I have been down with a bad cold that won't let go. Right in the middle of putting the decorations on the tree, boom, I am out...today I spent the day on the sofa, alternating between sweating and being cold...need to stay away from Ralph of course, so it makes it difficult for him to help, but he has managed. This is not a good time for me to be down, though...I was down this same time last year, with shingles...at least it's not tha!!

Anyway, just wanted to say hello and that I, too am glad that BI is back u p. Thank you Eric and all the staff, so very, very much for your hard work at getting things put back together.

When I couldn't get on day before yesterday, I called Kelly's office and Jeanne told me they were aware of the problem and trying to fix it. I suggested she put something on FB so those who check in there would know. They were hoping to have it back up sooner, but it's up now, and that's what counts. Yes, I think we all have a reason to be a little anxious when we can't get onto BI...it is our family, our comfort, our understanding, and our place to be when we just can't be anywhere else.

Trudi: So sorry about the expectations and the anxiety caused by them...glad that you are settled at the beach with Sir MD. I am also glad to see that Jeya is enjoying herself...and the pics are beautiful.

Lorri: Beautiful cross...sweet thing for you to do.

Leah: IF you can't get to the cemetery, perhaps you could put a wreath together and hang it on a wall in the house. Last year, when we did Mike's wreath, we had an ice storm before we put it up, and I had hung it on a wall in the house to keep it from safe. It hung there for a few days and I actually thought of leaving it there because I knew the weather was going to tear it up. We did take it up to his site, but I think that JaBoa will know it is there for her, if you put it on your wall.

Beth: So nice to see sweet little Zachy's face, and to hear that you are all right. How is your little girl?

Marcia: Thank you so much for the pics...knowing that our angels banners are getting such loving care is comforting.

I know others posted, but I feel the fever coming back, so will sign off. Thinking of you all and holding you close as this time of year and all of its memories close in on us...may each of us be able to find some memories that bring a smile to our heart.

love and peace, c arol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Dearest Carol, take this cold to bed adn stay there drinking tea with honey and believe it or not, drinking warm water with two tablespoons of cider vinegar in the morning and at night...clears mucus away. I wish your germs away and Ralph to stay germ-free. Love you.

[shorty16]

Thanks BI Staff, I can contact my friends now!

Colleen

[shorty16]

Love the Pictures Marcia

Thanks so much for posting them

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Hello, hello, hello, my friends!

It is so good to see all of your angels faces this morning. I have missed seeing Zachy's little angel face!

While I am still riding high due to the experience of visiting our angels in heaven last week. Seriously. It happened. This is not one of those "maybe I went clinically insane incidents. It was/is real, yet I lack the words to articulate the experience adequately, so I won't even try. Anyway, while I am still riding high from that experience, I learned something quite profound, imho.

The arch angels, guardian angels, ascended masters and even Jesus himself honor and respect our grief. They KNOW, absolutely know, that our angels are fine. They know the whole story. They know all the "secrets" (which there aren't any) to the universe. They know this life is just a blink of an eye and we will be reunited with our loved ones quickly. They know this, but out of respect for us...and love for us...they allow us to walk through the horrible journey of grief.

Allowing us to experience the full weight of grief, however, does not mean they don't offer us comfort through the process. In fact, they gather nearer to us and hold us tighter with their love and protection. Our angels, our babies, are full of joy and love and always close to us.

The day before this experience, Gary and I were at home Depot and I told him "I hate Christmas music!" It all made me so sad. I was in the worst mood and I seemed to be surrounded by jerks in the mall, at Home Depot, at Wal Mart...etc. And, the way people drive! Don't even get me started on that!

Then, Tuesday morning, by God's grace and for reasons I don't understand, I was allowed to visit the "place" our angels live. More importantly, the place where our Creator IS. "I am that I am". Okay. So, that happened.

Gary absolutely believes me because he sees the difference. I play Christmas music all day and sing loudly (off key). I can't quit smiling. All the jerks at the stores seem to have dissappeared. The song, "I'll be home for Christmas" would bring the pain and tears quicker than peeling an onion. Now, I sing it and add the words, "She's already here........"

Gary may have got a little worried, but didn't show it, when I wrote a check and donated all our money to the firemen's drive for toys and food for the needy. Note: not quite ALL our money, but a big junk of it.

I don't expect you all to believe me. It doesn't matter. But, if there is even one of you that feels like you can't carry on and that this burden is too heavy, perhaps you might be encouraged to know or at least try to believe that I've been there. I've seen where they are. It's beautiful. It's powerful. It's full of love and joy. And, they are not cut off from us. We don't doubt the existence of the sun as the earth orbits out of its light for the night. We know it will rise again (or we will orbit again) in the morning. Even on the cold, snowy, cloudy days when we can't SEE or FEEL the sun's rays. We know it is still there. Winter may be long, but we know spring will come again.

During this, the winter of our souls, the dark night of our existence..........your angels, my Stephanie, is near.......so near.

Be comforted and loved!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

Good morning Indigo’s,

Last night was our candlelight celebration, I could not bring myself to go and light one for Ashlee. I am angry… I still have a trouble comprehending why this happened to our family. Ashlee had so much to live for I don’t understand how GOD could allow this to happen, or your Angels to pass away!!! I play a part when I’m at work and go throughout my day with a smile and a helpful hand but when I get home I stare at my baby’s yearn and self medicate to get through the evening…. I want the holiday’s to be over with, I hate being fake and that’s all I will be doing around my family and friends therefore not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. There is not a day that goes by I don’t wish to be with Ashlee….

Susannah- I want to know more about our Angels did you see or feel Ashlee.. I need to know she is okay

[zachysmom]

My daughter is doing ok still having nightmares though. I wish I could make them stop for her. We have finally got complete diagnosis from cincy childrens. ADHD, Oppositional defiant disorder, conduct disorder, low average cognition, PTSD, anxiety, depression, sensory processing disorder and severe expressive language disorder. When it rains it pours.I am going through the motions of the holidays I put up the tree but haven't put anything on it yet maybe I'll do it later today.

[westleysmom]

Marcia-Thank you so much for the pictures of the candle-lighting with our angel's banners. I am so sorry that the holidays bring you as much pain as most people have joy. I am trying to fight off the urge to cancel Christmas myself.

Trudi-Your granddaughters are such sweeties. I'm glad that Jeya's eyes are improving. Is this something that she will have to deal with forever? I'm sorry that your friends don't seem to get it and put too much expectation on you to be joyful at a time when you don't really feel the joy.

Sherry-The trees sound lovely. I just put flowers, too. I didn't get to the cemetery this weekend because of the weather, but plan to go this coming weekend.

Kathy-Here's hoping that you are getting the rest you deserve, the house will get put together in time. But it sounded like it was already more together than mine!

Susannah-I want to believe, like that movie the Polar Express, one of my favorites. I have to believe that they are safe and happy and warm and feel the love we still have for them. That we will all be together again someday and living in the light of that love. I'm glad you have found some of the joy of the season that still is beyond my reach. I am trying the fake it til you make it or whatever that saying is. On the outside, I appear to be handling the holidays fairly well, but inside, I will be glad when they are over.

Carol-Hope you get to feeling better with Dee's home remedies and rest.

Leah-I'm sorry that you may not be able to visit JaBoa this time and hope that it won't be long before you can get to make a little road trip for a visit. You know she wouldn't want you to get on the roads if they're not safe. Wishing you strength for all you have to do these days, and rest when you can fit it in.

Lorri-That is a beautiful cross. I hope that Kimmy has a wonderful birthday.

Dee-It takes special people to be teachers, and my hat is off to you for all you do. Those little "nuts" would drive me bananas, but you seem to take it all in stride. Our schools have had to be closed much of this week because it just isn't safe to get the kids out in the busses with the roads being in bad shape. The high school kids won't take exams until after the new year, and I think that is very hard to do. But of course the little kids are just excited about being out and its almost Christmas, to boot.

Amy-I'm sorry for the bad dreams. I don't have many dreams that I can remember, maybe that is a blessing. The winter weather reminds me of last winter, too, which went by in a blur of tears and sadness. It was really cold right before January 13, and then it warmed up, but after the 19th, which would have been his birthday, it got cold again and we had more snow than we'd had in years. So I guess I associate the winter weather with death and loss and I'll be glad when its over. Not that it changes much, but at least the sunshine gives the illusion of life.

Betty-Stay warm up there and try to stay out of the dark place. Sometimes though, I feel like I may as well step right up and get it over with. The sooner I go to the dark place and get it over with, the sooner I can come back out. The struggle makes it last longer, I think. Knowing that we will come back up into the light, we won't stay in that pit forever. Peace to you dear friend.

Thank you all for your well wishes for my anniversary. I found out the traditional 30 year gift is pearls and the modern is diamonds. He actually gave me pearls on the 25th when we renewed our vows. So I guess he's all caught up. I have lots of pictures of that day, we did it like the wedding we didn't have. Westley and Amy stood up with us and my son-in-law played the piano and the Pastor that preached Westley's funeral did the service. He forgot my name during the service, it was pretty funny. He was very nervous, had only done a few weddings at the time and had only been our Pastor for six months. We did it at our church, which was decorated for Christmas and is mostly red to begin with. The carpet and stained glass windows are red, so we didn't have to buy many flowers. It was a happy day, althought my Daddy was already sick and didn't come to the service. We went to see him after and took some pictures with him at the house. I never dreamed that by the time we celebrated 30 years, not only would Daddy be gone, but my only son, too. Daddy was actually gone before the next December, but this anniversary is my first without Westley. We're almost at the end of the "firsts" and I can hardly believe it. I didn't think I would make it through one moment after Westley died. But you do, one painful breath at the time. That's all you can do, isn't it? Find the strength to take one step and then another.

I wish you all strength to take one step and then another, today and every day.

[ericasmom]

I have always believed that Eri and all those before her and after her have moved on to a heavenly home, HOME, and that she and all of the angels are near. I have felt the power of Eri's love and grace in each day, even the darkest. Some days are tougher than others, devastatingly empty at times, however I know that she is near. My faith in this and in an everlasting existence has not been shaken by my sadness. When Erica lay dying in the hospital, I saw her in her bed but the entity that held her spirit, the little TINKERBELL LIGHT sat on the bed frame, right near Erica's head. Her dreadlocks lay on the pillow, no life in those twists anymore, but symbols of who she was,how she chose to live her life, and there shedding light on the whole of the situation was her soon-to-leave spirit. We were blessed by the time to spend with her preparing to say goodbye, those six days and nights filled with the love and stories and tears of those that joined in at the end. Sharing the most spirit filled unions possible. So Sus, I am glad that you feel strength in your visions or visits, it is where I have rested my heart each day for seven years.

To those new on the path, this is the hardest experience you have known, and while you may wish it were all over, done, gone home yourself, the way to get there is through the process, the painful step by step process of walking through the grief. There is no hiding from it, it is still going to be there, and no going around it, boom, it is still there, so through it and we walk with you, and some ahead of you hoping to leave large enough impressions for you to step into on those darkest days. One day, a sense of your Angels will help guide your actions in ways much more hopeful than you are feeling right now. Promise.

Trudi, so glad that you are back to the beach, the place that finds you most at peace. The photos of your two girls are beautiful. Grandma is everywhere in them, so strong the connections.

[Crystal16]

Dee- I will take you up on that offer in helping me get through the darkest days ahead of me....

My faith has always been strong, I just want to feel Ashlee at peace. My anger does not allow me rest my head is a battlefield.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, yes, taking one step at a time, brave folks are we. Never doubt that and I also believe that our Angels are very proud of the steps we take. The benchmarks of time are difficult, firsts and on and on without our Babies physical presence, but I bet Westly is super happy that his Mom and Dad celebrated 30 years.

Hey is everyone else still seeing the size posted next to your words or is it me?

Beth, wow, huge diagnosis and now the schools need to follow up with assistance. Is your girl getting weekly counseling? What grade again? Let me know if there are any kinds of activities I could send for you to do to work with some of her learning issues. STARFALL.com for reading. JOhnniesmathpage.com for math thoughout the years. I have some good books and activities so please don't hesitate.

Dee

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Dee Thank you for your eloquent description of your last days with your precious Eri ( Tinker belle) I felt as if I was there and also knew without a doubt that all our angels are safe and happy After all that is all that is truly important to me. I too felt the warmth of knowing when Stephen and my husband passed. It was powerful Take care of yourself and those little human squirrels in clothing today. PS I only see numbers on yours and colleens posts

Rhonda . Your 25 th wedding anniversary celebration sounds so special . Westley, your dad and all there to celebrate Great memories. I am glad that you were able to acknowledge your 30th and recall the warm memories of other more happy times.

You are right about facing the demons head on. Today, thanks to you and all my Indigo family I may be sad but I can put I foot in front of the other and feel comforted from the warmth I receive from remembering each of you and your angels faces.

Beth You are a trooper. I know that tree will get done and I am look ling forward to seeing pictures of your decorations.. I am glad your daughter has finally been diagnosed My nephew had a similar diagnosis at age 7 . He is now 16, doing much better and thriving I know it is hard and I will pray for your family

Susannah so glad to see you back Donating your money to the needy and listening to Christmas Music is good for the soul, I love that you experienced such an uplifting spiritual experience.

Carol So sorry that cold has taken hold Please rest. Loved the story of Singing Happy Birthday to Damon and when you finished he continues with his sentenced about his gifts I smiled and wondered if he ever stopped talking to listen or had he just picked up where he left off when you guys finished Funny either way

Trudie I hope you and MD had a restorative walk on the beach I loved the pictures of your beautiful granddaughters Time does not stand still.

Amy The understanding of" why "is hard to understand I am so sorry you are in such pain

Going too end now because it rhis is again becoming too long as usual

Leah,Karen, Betsy, Sherry,Chris. Marcia. Bonnie. Sonya, Lynn, Kathy,Colleen and all Indigos

Thinking warm thoughts of you

[zachysmom]

Elisha's school is doing what they need to do. They know I will be on their butts if they don't. Elisha is currently in second grade.

Dee thanks for the sites i'll hit them tonite and check them out. The sites will work well over her christmas break.

The hardest diagnosis to handle is the O.D.D. diagnosis. It is still a full blown power struggle. We will make it through it though.

[mikesmum]

Dee - Yep can see the size numbers at the beginning and end of your posts ?eh. Your words paint the picture of Eri's last hours. Its a memory that I know stays with you forever. Squirrels in a contained area, take care with the over excitement factor.

Carol - I'm with Dee, take yourself off, chicken soup, honey, Vitamins and lots of fluids. I wonder if this time of year is where the body and soul take stock of the passing year and say 'nup, down time NOW'. I'm glad its not shingles, but hope this bug is just passing through.

Beth - O.D.D is not something I'm familiar with. I'm guessing its like A.D.D? Either way I hope you have support and information that will give you some hope.

Betty - Thanks for the knighthood for 'Sir Muttley'. He truly deserves an honour, his service to his owner is without a doubt amazing.

To all - its coming up on 4yrs for me. Christmas before I was almost manic about having a tree and decorations up for Christmas Day. Something Mike enjoyed so much I wanted it be the same, I guess my heart was hoping he would walk through the door as he had done before and I didn't want him to think we didn't have the tree. This year, nothing. No tree, no decorations.

I hope Mike is in his 'home' in heaven with his grandparents, people he loved and missed so much.

No snow here, but we do have clouds and mild temps.

[westleysmom]

Trudi-I'm so jealous of your spring/summer weather. I think I told you that before. Isn't it funny that is just how I feel about the tree, secretly, about a lot of things. Sometimes I think if I do something that he would like or that he did like, somehow, magically, it will bring him back. I can't tell that to anybody in my everyday life, they wouldn't understand. I still haven't been able to do the tree this year. Do you think they can see what we're doing? Or is this life and its cares and worries lost to them now as they are lost to us? I wonder this all the time, deep questions that there are no answers for, and they drive me insane. I wonder too about the experience of death. Did it hurt? Did they know it was happening, were they scared? Did he wonder why I didn't stop it, where I was? Would he even recognize me now, less than a year later, or has his death changed me as much as I feel like it has, so that he wouldn't even know me? Late at night, when I go outside sometimes to look at the stars, I wonder what I would do if I saw him there, standing in the moonlight. Would he wave at me and smile that Westley smile, smoking a cigarette outside in the cold? Sometimes when I think these things, I think my heart will burst. And sometimes I think it already has. So anyway, I'm sorry that four years is not much better than one, for you and for me, for all of us.

[daniellemom]

Hi again everyone!

Marcia - It was so nice seeing Miss Bethany again!

Dee - Your words about Eri last hours are amazing.

Sherry - Your trees sound so nice.

Trudi - Your granddaughters are beautiful just like their gramma.

Kathy - Glad you are home and getting things together in the new house.

Carol - Take care of that cold.

Zachary's Mom- At least you have the diagnosis and know what you can do now. Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of your grief.

Ashlee Mom - Angry is part of the the process and it's OK to be angry. I'm glad you were able to light a candle even if you didn't go. Ashlee is proud of you.

Rhonda - I'm glad you were able to celebrate your 30th anniversay and know that Wesley was so proud of his Mom and Dad.

Sus - I believe you and what you write on this site. No need to think you would lie to us. You never have before. If you saw Danielle I hope she was laughing and smiling like she did here!

To the new parents on their first Christmas with their dear child my prayers are so with you and your family. The first is what should I do without my child how do I celebrate Christmas when all the other Christmas' have been with them for them. Do what you can, not what others think you should do. Never fake around your family. They want you to be OK, but your not and they need to know that your not OK.

Betty - My hero! Never stop typing because it's long! I love reading your words!

Lorri - Happy Birthday to Kimmie!

If I have left anyone off believe me, I didn't mean to. I love each and everyone one you and your angels.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[mpsmom]

Sometimes I think if I do something that he would like or that he did like, somehow, magically, it will bring him back. I can't tell that to anybody in my everyday life, they wouldn't understand.

Rhonda, I feel this exact way often, if i make graduation perfect, 'he' will let her come back home......................If she sees my tattoo ..........."he" will let her come back...........If the candle lighting is perfect "he" will let her come back....

So sad to actually see it in writing, but just a few weeks ago I brought this up to my therapist.. "if is could just make evberything the way it is supposed to be --maybe 'he' would let her come back. I am a sane person, very much in touch with the reality of my daughter being gone forever...but I still have these thoughts... I know in my heart 'he' will never let her come back...but one day "he" will let me join her ...

Hugs to all....

[Guest msnher]

Yes, yes, yes to Dee's description, wisdom and compassion. Unlike you, however, I allowed my faith to falter and soon chose to ignore any and all signs from Stephanie. My grief was more powerful than my faith.

Grief seems to be a power unto itself, demanding our respect in much the same way a tsunami demands our respect.

It is irresponsible for me to just "throw" my experience out there without further description. However, that is exactly what I've done. Please accept my sincerest apologies. I wanted to offer comfort, but I think I just added more questions and/or frustration to your pain.

Telling you Ashlee was with all our angels is so vague, yet it's true. Telling you I saw all our angels together is just as vague, yet just as true. I didn't even see Stephanie in the way I would see you. She appeared, as did all of them, as an orb of light. It made perfect sense to me and helped me realize the dream I had of her right after she died (two weeks after) was real. In the dream she stood before me, smiling, but I couldn't reach her...I didn't even try. I just longed for her, my heart breaking. As she smiled at me she began to ascend backwards into the sky. The same smile on her face, never taking her gaze off me. The further away from me she got, the brighter she became until I could not make out her features.

I saw her in THAT form. Spiritual light. That is how I saw all of it. Just light. Saying it like that devalues the magesty of it all. The power of the love encompassed in that light is beyond description.

There are not enough words to articulate it. And, more than a few words takes away from the authenticity of it. Pure love is the best I can do. Pure power. Pure joy. Pure knowledge.

That's where our children are. That's where God is.

It's nothing new. Nothing that hasn't been experienced by others. Just new to me bringing, me a comfort and peace I had given up on. Because I love you all so much, of course I would want to share it.

I only wish I could package it and give it away....I'm so sorry I can't.

Love to you,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

THANKS FOR THE BDAY WISHES FOR KIMBERLY...CANT BELEIVE SHE WILL BE 27...GOSH WHERE THE HELL DOES THE TIME GO....WOW

DID SOME SHOPPING TODAY...GOT KODY A NEW COMPUTER (TOWER) FOR HIS SET UP HE HAS...(RACING WEB ETC) GOT BROOKEY (SO FAR) $200 GIFT CARD FROM THE BUCKLE.., AND SOME STOCKING STUFFERS...

WE HAVE A CHURCH CHRISTMAS PARTY TOM SO I HAD TO GET 3 GIFTS SO WENT TO HOBBY LOBBY (U JUST CANT BEAT THAT STORE)...

OK SO IM REDOING MY ROOM ALL B/W PHOTOS OF 30-50S ACTRESSES...AND I TOOK A PIC OF WHAT I HAVE SO FAR (PRINTED THE PICS MY SELF AND FRAMED THEM $30 AT THE MOST)...BUT WHEN I SENT THE PIC TO MY FRIEND SHE SAID "WOW I SEE KOURTNEY IN THE PIC"....SO I LOOKED AGAIN...AND IT DOES LOOK LIKE THERE IS A PROFILE...WHAT DO YAL THINK

[lolynbo]

SO LETS TRY AGAIN

[mikesmum]

Sometimes I think if I do something that he would like or that he did like, somehow, magically, it will bring him back. I can't tell that to anybody in my everyday life, they wouldn't understand

You know just reading this made me cry. Its the 'bargaining' I live with each day. If I keep Christmas as it was, he might come back. If I try to understand and ask for forgiveness from Amanda, he might come back. If I stay sad, he will come back to make me smile.

Yes I can't say this outside this page, it evokes a tsunami of 'advice' about 'moving on'. If I move on will he know where I am???

[rlolheiser]

hello to all,

Dee, I know your right, I know JaBoa is here, I am just really being irrational. I feel it in me.. i see it in me .. I feel like I am looking at a crazy person this last couple days. I don't know what is wrong.. I can't find me.. I don't know how else to say it. Thank you for sharing your tinkerbell story.. so touching hugs my friend.

Betty, thank you for your advice, we have decorated the tree with so much of JaBoa. We have the fake flowers we removed from her site at different times placed in there along with her picture in an ornament.. ornaments that represent all my grandchildren on the tree.. but like I feel so lost. I can't explain it, I lost it today and told my daughter and mother I would be back later.. I went shopping and got some presents for the kids.. while in the car, I just wanted to keep driving and never go back, almost went to JaBoa, but knew I couldn't.. sometimes I get tired of being so darned dependable. :-).. Hey. I even thought like you I was just being angry at everything cause I couldn't connect. but I connected.. and still feeling exasperated with the world. (thanks for listening)

Trudi, your grandaughters are beautiful, thank you for sharing them.

Carol, thank you for the idea, I might give it a try.. to make her wreath :-) I hope your feeling better soon, I know its tough to feel sick at the holidays.. Get plenty of rest! and I hope Ralph stays healthy.

Susannah, I believe your sighting of our angels.. I envy that I couldn't see them :-) I know the kids tell me of them dancing in the stars and the moon from time to time.. How I just wish we could hold them for a little while.. no thats not true.. I want to hold her forever.

Crystal, thinking of you and hoping you find your strength to carry on through this cruel time in life. Be good to yourself, may you feel her in your heart.

Rhonda, thank you for your thoughts. I hope to get to visit my girl soon.. I just need it.. :-) I too have so many questions about my JaBoa's passing, I used to even think if I would have been there, she would have held on and not died... I thought I held so much power.. so much love that she wouldn't have been able to leave.. but reality tells me different... on another note.. Such beautiful memories about your renewing vows.. thank you for telling it to us.

Beth, ODD is tough, my oldest grandson was diagnosed with that the year I had him living with me. He will be 18 next month, and he still has problems. It just takes time and I believe love. I stayed on it, and stayed on it... not losing my cool.. and being determined to have him do it my way. :-) His mom however didn't have my determination so it took her longer to work with him.

Sonya :-) I know it is hard to get everybody we want to get mentioned.. sometimes we just don't know what to say.. I know I never mean to slight anybody or forget to mention them.. I blame it on old age :-)

ok.. time to end this book.. I know I get to talking.. and sometimes may not make sense.. but I get talk.. :-) I get to say what is in my heart and I need it.. I need you all.. thank you!

[ericasmom]

So remember this song, this sadness in Eric Clapton as he lost his little boy. I think that this song addresses much of what was expressed here today.

Now listen to this version if you can.

[ericasmom]

Lorri, love the wall of women, and yes there is a hint, a shadow of a woman joining in. Lovely.

Leah, goodness knows that we have all looked in the mirror only to see someone unrecognizable staring back. A crazy person that is wearing the same clothes I put on. Yikes. You have 10billion other factors going on Leah in addition to missing being at the cemetery, so please be kind to that woman in the mirror, she may feel crazy right now, but she is that woman who is spread too thin and needs to have some mourning time. Prayers for deep sleep and restful sense of things in the morning.

Sonya, how dear it is to see you today. Are you readying your home for the holidays? I know with Mattie it is imperative. What is on her list this year?

Rhonda, I am not doing a tree either, not this year. Jonathan has one at his house 3 blocks away, we will enjoy his. I am excited by it too, since our first one in 6 years was last year, and it was Jonathan and me picking it out. we were giddy with the experience and way overpaid, didn't even think of talking the proprieter down. Funny, we were so driven by the idea of displaying Christmas again. This year, he and his Girl Shannon went to get their first tree together, his second tree in 7 years. My heart is glad.

Yep Ms. Trudi, the wonder dog and you strolling through spring air makes my heart glad too. It does paint a lovely picture of your broad smile as Muttley runs ahead.

Thanks Betty for your kind words.

I wish I could find a poem I wrote about a month before ERi died. I wrote it to my students, as a goodbye to them. Each year in June I write a letter of good bye to my class, some years it is long and some longer...but spring of 2003 found me unable to formulate my usual kind of letter. One day right after the kids left for the day, I put on Simon and Garfunkle and started to grade a paper or two when suddenly, I began to have watering eyes, trembling lip, and the poem wrote itself right there. It was my goodbye poem rather than a letter. It is called REMEMBER. Anyhow, it said it all, and it was a hard group to say so long to, they were loving and funny and incredibly creative. So I wrote the poem and drew some pictures around it as a border and felt good about it. The kids were given their goodbye poem on June 10th or so of that year, and we parted ways. On July 8th, Eri was hit by the train, and on the 14th she died. On the 18th at her funeral, my husband stood up to say a few words adn some of those words were my poem, REMEMBER. The words traced the loss in ways I would have never guessed.

A part of it has to do with: I will remember you,

you will have changed, gotten taller

just as you must,

and you will remember me,

my hair will turn gray and I may have a slight bend in my walk,

as I must,

but we will remember the times we spent so well.

We will recognize our Babies when we see them again, we will have changed as we do, but they will know us immediately, I do believe this.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I love that wording as well, and it does grab at ones heartstrings, I think you put into words what so many of us struggled with. Blessings.

Crystal, I hope you get some good sleep if you can, hang tight to the many hands and hearts here.

[summergirl]

Hello All Indigo's - I sure wish I had the time to catch up on the postings, I feel as though I am missing so much but I am working so hard, end of year stuff at work then I come home and work here until about 9 or so and then some down time. I have so many thoughts going through my head I can't seem to think straight let alone post what I want to. I am happy and sad at the same time....

Love, Strength and Peace, Kathy

[Chris]

Hi all. Sorry I haven't been here I've been just lost the last few days.

I feel like I'm in a really bad dream & I just want to wake up now. I want David to come home. I don't want to do this. I wish I had great words of wisdom for others but I feel so heavy lately. Like even breathing is a burden. I miss David so much I can't function. This is just too hard but there's nothing I can do so I just sit here feeling like I'm dying. I hate this. I don't even think it's Christmas any more that has me upset, I think it's just trying to come to terms every second of the day that my son is dead.

I live in a small town of about 10,000 people. That means we know just about everyone. 2 young ladies in Aaron's class (he's a junior in high school) had a wreck 2 days ago & the passenger was killed. The driver is in bad shape in the hospital. I thought of the the parents and cried when I heard the news because I knew their journey was just beginning like mine and I know the pain they are feeling right now. It's just a sad cruel world we live in.

I need my son to visit me in my dream again but I don't think I would let go this time.

I'm just too sad and need a break from this. I really feel like it's very possible to die of a broken heart.

I'm rambling.

[Guest msnher]

Our children will definitely know us.

They are waiting for us.

Waiting is the wrong word because they don't feel the separation as we do. You know those sound proof baby rooms some churches have? The side of the glass to the congregation is mirrored glass, and the congregation can't hear what's happening in the room. But, inside the room you can see and hear everything just fine. Well, it's like that except opposite. We're in the baby room and can't see or hear them and they are the congregation that CAN hear and see us...only they aren't bound by the confines of the wall, mirror, space or time. We are but they aren't.

I say we're in the baby room and they're the congregation because the baby room is smaller than the congregation and the physical is very small compared to the non physical. Only, the wall of the baby room is all mirrored glass.

And, if you left your child in a nursery but were able to watch them and check on them you would not feel the sting of separation, but they would because they would not know you were still there.

Their personalities remain the same. If they were a smart ass here, they are a smart ass there. If they talked a lot here, they talk a lot there. If they were shy here, they are shy there. Their identity is not the body they inhabited. Nor is it ours. They have friends there that they have here. What might be surprising is that some of their best friends there might have been their supposed enemy here. What also might be surprising is that the mentally handicapped or slower intellects here, are higher, stronger spirits or souls in the non physical. They were pure from birth and the body and/or brain that they were given was not because of them but to teach those of us who come in contact with them. They get a pass straight to the center of that bright light. I don't like to call it the "throne room of God" because it sounds religious and I don't like religion, but I guess that's what it was/is.

Sometimes they are able to get our attention. I'm not sure if Mike's better at sending messages to his family or if it's that Carol, Ralph and the family have better receptors than me so that's why I don't notice Stephanie's attempts.

Picture the nursery again. Our angels tap on the glass but we don't hear them. They will make something fall into our path as we walk, but we don't see it. They make a song play on the radio but instead of believing it is them letting us know they are okay and still with us we recognize the song as a painful reminder that they're not here.

A couple weeks ago when Gary and I were searching for a TV stand in the garage, every box I opened had something of Stephanie's right on top. One box was even full of ehr stuff that I didn't know I had. The first thing my fingers touched as I felt around a box stuffed under a shelf, beside one of Gary's 65 mustang, was a picture of Stephanie. I shared that. How I said to Gary "She's everywhere I look". Instead of taking it as a sign from her that she was near, I took it as a sign that she was gone. The intensity of that experience sent me to bed for a couple more days. No wonder she slowed down trying to reach me. Every time she came close I would misinterpret the sign and collapse into despair.

The wise parent standing outside the nursery will quit tapping on the glass if it sends their toddler into a screaming mess because of the separation. For their peace and the peace of the nursery leaders, he/she (the parent) will just watch knowingly.

Some parents will even stay with their toddler through several visits to the nursery....easing the toddler into the transition of Mom or Dad leaving. Sometimes the nursery leader ahs to fetch the parents because the toddler won't be comforted.

The parent arrives, calms the child and all is well except the parent missed Sunday school. The difference between us and our angels is we don't FEEL their arms around us. In fact, we often mistake their hugs for emptiness/pain. Another huge difference is it takes much less time for our angel to get to us than it does for the parent to get to their toddler.

The only proof I have that our angels know each other is that we have been brought together by them. We are their proof. Their love and concern for us is very strong and they trusted us to help each other through this illusion of separation. While it might be an illusion to them, it is very real to us, and, they understand that.

I hope Beth will forgive me because as a rule I don't share something in the open about a specific angel. But, Zachy was there. I shared that with Beth already. He runs and looks through the "glass" of the nursery we call life quite often. He never ventures far from the "glass". He checks on his family constantly. He was the only one I recognized of our children. (Except for Stephanie and her friend). As soon as I saw him I wondered where the rest of our Indigo angels were. I didn't even finish the thought and they were all assembled together......as a flash of light. Even Stephanie and her friend joined them. Zachy squeeled in delight and took the hand of an angel and joined them, too. I didn't see who the angel was that took him into her arms, but it was female. Everytime I replay it in my mind Jessica's name comes to me, but I don't know that it was her. I just think of her name when I remember what I saw.

As I said earlier, the experience with our angels, even Stephanie, was a blink of an eye. The next blink, the longer blink, was spent in pure marvel at the power of the love and joy I was witnessing.

Rest well my friends,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmum]

It's beautiful Karen.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I went to a Christmas Concert last night in Stephen's old school The first time I have been inside that school since he graduated. So many Memories e touched my heat. I could actually see him running down the hall with a huge smile on his face saying HI mommy. When he was in Pre school 1 and 2nd grade each time he saw me after school he would run to me and literally Jump into my arms with such sweet kisses such a great re memory

Marcia Trudi Rhonda I know what you were referring to when you spoke about "maybe doing it right "and then being allowed to see them just one more time For a moment I had that deep, deep yearning.

Trudi I love the new picture of Michael He looks so happy

Karen I agree the technology explosion in my lifetime has been amazing I can remember how big a deal it was to get a TV. I went to Shawn's site and it is beautiful I spend at least 20 minutes a day at Stephen's site. Listening to the music, reading the messages and just remembering. It really helps me start my day.

Lorrie The pictures fantastic you too are a creative lady Stephen had that Marilyn Monroe picture on his wall in his "Office" along with one of Bruce and Kiss

Sonya Love seeing sweet Danielle face I am glad we are back on line It brought everyone on to just say HI

Leah Of coarse you are tired and want to run away You have a great deal on your plate and very little help Please try to do something nice for yourself Take off, go to a movie for 2 hours, get your nails done, go for coffee and desert It does revitalize the spirit

Dee As usual your Poem "I will Remember" was "spot on" I know I will remember Stephen's spirit and will not even need to see his physical being We connected on such a deep level.

Sus I cannot wrap my mind around the "afterlife, the place, the visions" as you see it. I love that you have them so vividly but I do not even dream so that envisioning angels and a place is too much for my soul. I just believe that Stephen is happy and I will see him again

Chris, Crystal, Trudi, Leah, Karen,Betsy, Kathy and all Indigos Let us please try to hold on, as Dee said, to each other.I try to remember to take good care and come here often, read and just know we are not alone and are in this together.

Stay Warm today

[zachysmom]

Susannah Zachy has an aunt Jessica who died at birth.

Thank you and feel free to share anything about Zachy when needed

Beth

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's,

Betty - Sweet memories of your little boy at his old school. What was the play you saw? Yes, it's a lot to wrap our heads around, I agree. It's hard enough trying to wrap our heads around our child's death, let alone the whole heaven thing.

Dee - I love the words of the poem you wrote for your class. How apropo that you would end up using it for your daughter's funeral. The boy's choir singing "Tears in Heaven" reminded me of what the heavenly choir must sound like. After listening to the Boy's choir I googled Eric Clapton and listened to him singing it. I wonder how he found the strength to sing it publically the first time he performed it for an audience.

Karen - Once again your words reach out and touch my soul.

I wish you all a moment of peace today.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

No, thank YOU, Beth. Tears are running down my cheeks. Bless you.

[Guest msnher]

Karen - love the facebook page for Shawn. You did a great job! Thank you for sharing him with us. I was going to comment on facebook about it, but you said you don't go to facebook that often, so I posted it here.

Hugs!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

16 below this morning. Brrrrrrr!

[Crystal16]

Karen- I loved your memorial page for Shawn... and I agree sometimes I want people to allow myself to grieve.

Susannah- Thanks for reminding me that Ashlee is okay and with everyones Angels. I just wish I could feel and sense her with me everyday.

Seven more days before I am forced to have some type of normalcy for my other two children. I'm anxious to have the holiday's behind me.

Finally, Florida is starting to warm up before the other cold front passes through ;-)

Thinking of all you and sending sunshine your way!!!

[westleysmom]

Susannah-Good grief, I don't know if I could live where it gets so cold. Stay warm! We have cooled back down since yesterday, but not that cold. Thank you for the visions of our angels. Sometimes I think I can't see for my tears and pain, but somehow can't seem to overcome them. Maybe someday.

Sonya-Thanks for the thoughts for the first Christmas people, although I have a feeling it can always feel bad, even if you've been through it before.

Dee-Your poems always touch me. If the Grinch taught me anything, its that you don't have to have a tree to have Christmas. Of course, you do need a heart (It grew three sizes that day!) and I'm not sure sometimes if mine is still beating at all. I put one up in our little bitty apartment before my wedding 30 years ago and I guess I've had one every year since then til now. Amy has a tree and it will have to do for me this year. Everytime we go to her house Laney asks me if we've come to see her Christmas tree, and I tell her yes, that's why Nana and Papa have come. All is not lost, sometimes it just feels like it. Loved the videos of the Tears in Heaven song, both. I remember when I heard the Clapton's son died and thinking, how do you ever get through something like that? Little did I know that I would someday get to find out firsthand.

Trudi and Marcia and Betty-Thanks for letting me know that you have these thoughts too. The men in white coats may come to get me someday and I'm going to tell them that you agreed with me, and we all can't be crazy. Well, technically, we can, but what are the odds? I love Mike's new picture and seeing Bethany on here too.

Betty-Such sweet kisses for sure from our boys that we have to treasure in our memories.

Karen, Crystal, Amy, Shelly-I think that I named all that are going through this "first" Christmas with me. All I can say is this sucks just as bad as I thought it would, if not worse. We will make it because we have to and because they would want us to. You all are in my thoughts daily, as all Bi friends are, but especially as we find our way through the time that for many is so joyous and for us is so filled with pain at what will never be. I suppose I never gave much thought to those who were sad at the holidays before and am going to try to do better. The holidays CANNOT last forever, its a proven fact that eventually they get over with and we can finally exhale.

Beth-Your sweet little Zachy, such an angel in his picture. Westley was all boy, from the get-go, he was hell on wheels. When we went out to eat when he was little, he would order whiskey. And we didn't keep liquor in the house, or even beer. He just thought that was funny. He picked fights with big biker guys in the video store, he didn't let anybody scare him! I hope that you have good memories of Zachy to get you through the dark days and nights of this winter and they give you strength.

Leah-That keep driving impulse hits us all at one time or another. It is so hard to always be the responsible one. I hope you get some rest soon.

Today looks to be a bad one, lots of thoughts about "what I was doing this time last year" running through my head. Susan gave me a wrapped package when I was with her last weekend and told me to save it for a really bad day. This may be it. I hope you all are not having a really bad day, but if you are, I wish you peace and hope.

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - Of course you wish you could feel her, touch her, smell her. This is a very rough time for you and I'm so sorry you have to walk through any of it at all. Add the judicial system on top of your daughter's death and it's almost more than anyone can bare. Hang on tight to us. You aren't expected to breeze through this. None of us are. Hugs to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - He ordered whiskey!? That's hilarious!!!! LOL How funny.

[kmb22]

Edit

[kmb22]

Edit

[Crystal16]

Thanks Karen for the add on FB loved the video's

[lolynbo]

IM ON FB LORRI COOPER BOATRIGHT ADD ME

[ericasmom]

INDEED Karen, one day at a time.

Betty, I love your memory of STephen running into your arms each day when he was young. THose are the memories that can both warm my soul and bring on the flood of tears all at once.

STay warm Sus, we had -6 one morning but haven't gone below that yet this year, other than windchill.

Rhonda, I am glad you like the poem, I never knew my husband was going to read it aloud to the church, I was shocked to hear my words coming from his tearful voice.

Gotta run,

dee

[ericasmom]

Sorry, I do not have facebook so I cannot check out the site...I am sure it is gorgeous.

[zachysmom]

No, thank YOU, Beth. Tears are running down my cheeks. Bless you.

Now no tears unless they are tears of relief knowledge and happiness

[mikesmum]

Betty - Thanks, its part of the why's to see this pic and others from the DVD. He looks so happy, is so positive in this part of the promo. Even the preliminary 'interview' he is so up. One thing that took my breathe away was hearing him say he didn't know how much longer he had so he wanted to make provisions for Harmony's education. He was sitting on my couch. None of the medical problems he had were terminal, debiliating but not terminal. I snapped that image, there are tears in his eys...

Karen - Mike's sister started his FB page. Its a bit neglected, I tend to 'post' on Mikes Memorial. Love the 'notes' on David's FB.

Well, the weather here is KNUTTS. We have 'snow' on the mountains, hail and thunder down here. Wearing jumpers and sandshoes rather than shorts and thongs...go figure.

Saw the snow falls in the US....WOW. MN sports stadium roof falling in was something. I believe we went past that Colleen on our day out.

Take Care - protect your hearts and be gentle with yourselves.

[aim630]

Karen-Love the facebook page for Shawn. It's a great way for people to remember him. I would like to do something like that for Ashley, but have not had the heart or energy to do it yet. I am also tired of this mask I have to wear all the time. I feel like no one can see me cry, because it depresses them. Yet I am jealous of all the people who are happy this holiday. I always loved Christmas, now it will be just one more day to get through.

Rhonda-Westley ordering whiskey when he was little is so cute. Those are the memories we need to try to focus on, not the bad ones. It's so hard though. Ashley was about 5 and we left a tip on the table at the restaurant we were at. She yelled "Hey, mom, you left your money on the table!". Also, one time when she was about 6, we gave her a dollar to pay for a souvenir pencil. The cashier said "that will be $1.06 with tax", and Ashley said "Oh, I don't want the tax, just the pencil". I miss her so much.I thought I was getting through this year ok, then the last month hit, and just about knocked me out. The only thing that gets me through is my family & knowing I'm not alone in all this, and you, Karen, Shelly & Crystal will all be going through this "first" Christmas at the same time as me. To all the other Indigos, I know this is just as difficult if it is your 2nd year, or your 10th.

Susannah-Thanks for sharing your visions of heaven. I recently spoke to my childhood best friend, and she told me she "knows" there is something more than this, she's seen it. She read tarot cards, and read my palm when we were about 11, and told me I would have 2 children, but something would happen to one of them. I never forgot that. She also said she's predicted some things for other people too. If I just knew for sure Ashley was in a better place, I would feel better (for her, not me, because I would much rather have her here in this terrible world with us).

She made friends very easily, so hopefully she is friends with Stephanie and all the other angels.

To all Indigos, thanks for being there for me. I log on when I first wake up, when I get home from work, and before I go to bed (and sometimes in the middle of the night). I don't feel so alone then.

Amy/Ashley's mom