Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Leah, get better, the headache seems to be a part of this bug.

The wind is whipping up an appetizer to thewinds predicted for later on. Right now out the window it is a lovely winter scene, white flakes coming down pretty steadily.

Carol, have to love the tenacity of Mike's messages. "Hang on MOM, I am right here seeing you all home, making sure that everyone has Christmas Joy." He is quite a strong force isn't he? Five years is a benchmark Carol, leastwise it was for us. Five years reminds us of the length of time, it is no longer 2 years, 3, it is a whole 5, and we count by 5's don't we, so it makes clear that one year it will be 10. I do believe that 5 is a hard year for these reasons. For me, 5 took me to thinking of 5 years old, and all the benchmark behaviors adn events in Eri s life. It is a number but it is a hard one. Be kind to you.

[hotrod]

Just a fast hello Indigos, my Giant game is on hold until tomorrow so I am going to run out and shop til I drop and return to watch the Jets

Amy, Ashley's mom thank you so much for your uplifting share about the Salvation Army tree and the generous gift the gentlemen donated, You and your daughter's joy in shopping for the toys and cloths touched my spirit Thank you It is incidents like this that remind me what Christmas is all about.

Karen Thanks for the reminder about the Candle Lighting. This year I am fortunate enough to have a site just 6 blocks from my house. I WILL ATTEND AND REMEMBER SHAUN AND ALL OUR ANGELS

Trudi I am so sorry that the 4 th BD girl is ill. It sounds like a painful condition but Jetta sounds like a trooper just like Grandma Do hope she recovers quickly

Carol what a sweet sign from MIke and I do know the feeling of holding your breath and remembering a place and a time when all was different and smiles were in my heart. I Hope Damon's birthday goes well and that you bring us another endearing remembering of his

Betsy Please check in Worried about you

Dee, Sus Leah and all Indigos stay warm and dry today

[shorty16]

Indigos

We had a good day yesterday. Scott or I have to escort Trevor and AJ to and from Drivers ed class. Pain in the butt. 6 classes left, But, what I keep tell myself is:

-We are going to see Trevor through HS graduation

-In 5 years, my house will be empty and we will be alone

-We can do this - With God's help

The WWJD bracelets seem to be working. I made the boys wear them to the mall yesterday. When one would screw around, the other would say "WWJD"

Even though they may have meant it as a joke, WWJD is getting into their heads every time they say it.

We will see

I am happier today, thanks to my Indigos

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

AMy, I agree with Betty, what a beautiful gesture from the Gentelman to two wonderful women doing the work of angels. It is what fills our hearts, the giving of time and energy to provide someone in need, a special day or time or item. Merry Christmas. I am also so touched by the parents of Ashley's boyfriend. Wow, this young man was totally smitten with Ash, and it sounds like he had found his partner in life. What a dear young man, I will send prayers for him as well, to feel her love on the wind, knowing she would want him to find a love somewhere down the road. What a nice mom he has too, recognizing your Daughter in this way. Sweet, bittersweet.

I just wept during th enews, (not an unusual happening) but I will look into for a charitable spot. Beads of hope is a program that gives beads to Kids with cancer. Each treatment, each poke, each hair loss, each recovery, each everything is met with a bead. Some kids have over 1000 beads, telling the world what they have been through. A tangible way to express the life they have bravely led. A pediatric cancer nurse in Arizona started the program, what an angel on earth she is.

[shorty16]

Dee - I saw that too!!! "Beads of life" - that girl said at the end of Sunday Morning (one of my favorite shows). And the mother who lost her 7 year old to cancer and hangs the beads in a shadowbox and she can see it when laying in bed. She says to herself "If my daughter could go through that, I can get up in the morning"

Love it

Colleen

[shorty16]

Let is Snow

Let it snow

Let is Snow

It is going to anyway, so curl up on the couch and enjoy the beautiful view

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Everyone stay warm and cozy today, it is quite cold here and moving eastward.

Bonnie, is all going well? Miss you.

Sonya? How about you?

[daveydow1]

HELLO TO ALL INDIGOES-------I thought it best to post earlier today than I usually do because of the snowstorms coming

in, and the sattelite connection is very sketchy in cloudy/snowy/stormy weather, and may lose my connection.

Dee-----Thanks for the get well wish. I'm ok today......this stuff seems to hang around....one day I'm ok.....the next, feeling

'poorly'. I'm glad, too, that I readd the poem in memory of Davey. My mom, (91) later asked me to copy it for

her so that she can read it. (She had trouble hearing it at the tea-----hearing loss), so I will do that for her. The BEADS of

LIFE for the children with cancer is such a nice program. They must all love it. Bless their little white hearts. I, too, will

light a candle today at 7 p.m. Wow......SNOW, SNOW, SNOW moving our way. My sis & niece are to fly back to Minneapolis

today....sure hope they are able. My brother is to fly back to Syracuse Mon.......(they had 4 ft. of snow recently....Yikes.....winter

travel can be very dicey).......Peace to you.

Kathy-----Oh, I'm so happy that you love your new house. Things will fall into place rapidly, you'll see......and sweet Jessica

will be right there with you....always. I have moved twice since Davey's death, and each time I fretted about 'leaving him behind',

so to speak, and my worry was for nothing.......He's with us here as strong as in the original house. Your new place must be

so nice with the new paint and all.....I'm so glad for you.

Trudi----Prayers for sweet little Jeya, that her eye problem will heal up quickly. Bless her.

Amy----What a heartwarming story about your Salvation Army volunteering. Such a kind thing for you & Katie to do......to shop for

the sweet children in need. Also, bless that man who gave so generously. The SA does such great things for people. they are

always so active in their mission of mercy. You & Katie sure have the true spirit of Christmas.

Colleen-----Oh, I do hope that the WWJD bracelets have a positive effect with Trevor. Maybe this latest 'blip' in his attitude will

smooth out. You are doing such a good thing taking this boy into your home and giving him love & guidance. I think that in time

he will realize that life has its consequences for negative behaviour and attitudes, and will adjust in a positive way. Thanks for

keeping us here at BI posted.

Betty------Hi......are you getting braced for the Snow? ( Sattelite connection is already getting

s-l-o-w .)

Well----must go for now. PEACE TO EVERYONE HERE AT BI.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Sherry - lovely to see Davey's face as I open the page this morning.

Went to Miss Jeya's scaled down birthday party last night. Grandparents from both sides only. She had a skin flap from the tear on her eye removed yesterday. After a 'restful' afternoon she was full of beans. Resilient doesn't cover it. While the eye still looks 'angry', she was riding her 'Tinkerbell' Bike and loving being 4. (her actual birthday is today Monday). Coouldn't help but think of Eri Dee when the bike went whizzing by. The Tinkerbell cake just topped it off.

While you are all bracing for the snow we are struggling to make Spring warmth let alone Summer heat.

We lit candles last night...Jeya's birthday, Mike not far from everyones mind. We talked about Harmony and how hard it is to lose Mike and contact with her.

Will light another candle tonight, US time, to continue the light around the world.....

Say their names out loud as each candle is lit....Micheal Shane Micheal Shane Micheal Shane......

[nicksdad]

Went to Borders today for a book signing. Author is Claire Ann Stevenson and she is from this town. Lost her son about 3 years ago.

She is the second person in this town that has written a book.

Here is it on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Tears-Poems-Heartbreak-Discovery/dp/1453716947/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292191062&sr=8-1

She seemed like a very very nice person.

Dan

NicksDad

[mysonrich]

hello everyone, thanks for the call out. I'm doing ok. Minor BS which doesn't compare to our lose. Caught up in BS and watching a movie last night,I can't remember the title but one actor said, " you can't enjoy the pleasure of the ride if you have to deal with so much crap". It has not been a pleasurable ride since Rich died but there certainly has been a lot of crap. Time to cut some out. Again.

It will be 2 years Christmas since I last heard my son's voice, heard his laugh,felt his

hug,watched him eat ham,listened to music with him. I feel the anger stirring again. We missed something. Someone missed a sign. something could have prevented this,my sons life should have been saved. Will this ever end? I try to control the thought process,the urge to scream at someone,demanding accountability not only of myself but others when I have been told that we could have never seen this coming. But,but,but...the angry till makes an appearance.

Betty, keeping you in my thoughts dear lady. Pepper spay,tazer,(ha ha)for theguy? enjoy the lights. No snow here but plenty of rain.

Amy, the story of Christmas,in your life. Thankfully there are people like the gentlemen and you and Katie.

Dee, I did watch the You Tube music video. Pulled up the lyrics and had a good cry.

Carol, great news on Ralph's update page a great job Chief Carol!

Karen, I will be lighting a candle tonight. I did share this date with my co-worker, brother and cousin.

Leah, is there a womansshelter that offers counseling for your daughter? Not that she needs the shelter but a place that may be able to turn the thought process around?

Lorri,Dan,Susannah,Sherry,Trudi,Greg, Chris, Collen...reading all your posts but my computer is not charging,plug doesn't work..something I have to fix..Right now I am not on my PC. Certainly is different!The coppers were called after the robbery. Neighbors ran over as fast as they could. Measures were taken to deter. Hope they purchased some great Christmas gifts with the money they most likely received.

I'm reading, thinking of you all.

[nicksdad]

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[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's.....Just lit my candle for the 3rd year....around the world candle lighting...I love it but it is so diffacult to see how many people there are that light a candle....we are surely not alone...

Karen - "get it done kinda girl" - yep thats me....I seem to not be able to stop moving when I know I have things to do. Even though I promise myself that I will take it slow I keep thinking of that one more thing that I could do. Thanks, we are so very happy here and I feel that Jessica is happy too....there is such a warm feeling in this house that I do not even think of the other house, it is almost as though I never lived there for 24 years - sounds weird I know but true....I believe this was meant to be.

Today was a rainy windy day so we went and got a few things for the house. Came home, painted the rest of the bathroom, last room to finish and it is almost done. We bought a huge mirrow for over the sink as I did not like nor want the medicine chest in there, now I am going on line to find a tile and a nice light for over the mirror. We went to get a Christmas tree after shopping but I could not get out of the car, I was frozen to the seat so Barry and Tavian went and picked one out. All I could think of was the last Christmas I had with Jessica we went to the same place to buy a tree and Santa was there and she and Tavian sat on his lap and had their pic taken....I know it was crazy but it just slammed me. As I was painting I suddenly thought "I was 50 years old when my Jessica left me, I am 54 now, what happened to these 4 years, how could this be"????? Strange the crazy things that go through your mind.

I am coming up on 5 years in Feb and I am so afraid, I don't want it to be 5 years, hell I don't want it to be 1 second !! How am I going to do this ?? the only answer I have is that I know I can come here and get the strength and love I need to get me though just like you have all gottem me through so many times....

It is time to get Tavian to bed, actually he is late, he has school tomorrow. I love you all and send hugs to each and every one of you..

[lolynbo]

THINKING OF ALL OF YAL AND OUR ANGELS TONIGHT AND EVERY NIGHT...OUR CANDLE LIGHTING WENT WELL WASNT TOO AWEFULLY COLD...THIS IS THE PIC MONTY MADE FOR ME THIS YEAR...

LOVE YAL...

[aim630]

Kathy-I'm glad you're all moved in & enjoying your new house. Jessica is right there with you and is proud of how you take such good care of Tavian. It's only been 10 months since we lost Ashley, and I keep thinking "how much longer will this go on"? Obviously, the rest of my life...Last Christmas, when she was in a coma, I told myself, just be strong, and get through this, and next Christmas will be so much better, because Ashley will be home. Little did I know...

Betsy-I too, feel like I wouldn't be here if somebody just hadn't missed something. The doctors said they did all they could, but I just wished they would have realized what was happening that night earlier, and maybe they could have saved her life. I also feel so guilty, because I told her she was being mean the last day before she went into the ICU, and I never heard her voice again.

Karen-I'm sorry, I have no advice for you regarding your other son. I wish I did. Just know that we are thinking of you, and wish you the best. I loved your picture of the candle with the angel Shawn gave you in the background. What a beautiful gift from him, and a precious memory. Ashley gave me a Build-a-Bear a couple of Christmases ago, and when you squeeze it's paw, it says "We love you mom" recorded by both Ashley & Katie. She also gave Katie a "mushy" card the last birthday she was here, and it says so much. I'm glad she gave that to her sister when she did.

Dan-I went to Amazon.com & looked at the book you suggested. I read the first few pages (since they allow you to do that). What beautiful, touching poems. I am definitely not a poet, so I really respect those who can put their words down in such beautiful ways.

Not much snow here, but it rained all day, then snowed, so the roads are pretty slippery. I think we'll miss the brunt of the storm. Hope everyone else is safe and warm.

Thinking of all our angels tonight as I lit my candle.

Goodnight, hope you all have a peaceful night.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos

The candle lighting ceremony was very special and so touching. Standing with so many people who have experienced this extremely painful event in their lives was powerful but not as powerful or enriching as coming here each day and seeing our angels faces and sharing with each of you.

Dan as usual your creative talents continue to shine Your remembrance candle was warm and touching Thank You

Karen I loved your candle lighting space. What a wonderful gift and tribute your son, Shawn left for you and it is oh so true!!! I do not want to overstep boundaries here and just wanted to add that I do believe your other son's love is just as powerful as he expressed in his letters. He has suffered a huge disappointment with his career and the loss of his brother has added to that He is lost and looking to blame the world and anyone in his path Just as we strike out for no reason.

. A short time after Stephen graduated HS about 1 year after his dad died he announced he was moving to California. That whole year had been hard for us both and when I asked him why he was going he said "I just cannot stand to see the sadness in your eyes." That made me even sadder. He was gone for 5 months and returned a different person . I kept the door open, did not push talking about Dad and we managed to reestablish an adult relationship which I still cherish . Grieve, take care of you and know you were and are a great mom

Betsy Thanks for coming back I missed seeing Rich's handsome face. I know how you are feeling

This should not have happened!!! You loved Rich with your whole being,the joy you experienced with him is evident with each share. You would have given your life if you could This was not in your power nor can we claim responsibility for the outcome. You were and are a great MOM ,Daughter and Friend

Colleen Glad that thing are turning around this weekend and a workable solution reached

Sherry I forgot to mention how touching your Christmas Teas was. I was so happy that you had the courage to read your poem and what a positive response you received Hope you feel better soon

Kathy It is wonderful to to hear how you are enjoying your new home Feeling the warmth and joy when you enter could be because you worked so hard to make it special I am glad

Dee I love the story about the Beads of Life It is amazing that this one caring person, a nurse from Arizona could effect such a wonderful movement Some children had over 1000 beads what courage they and their families must have Life is hard!!

Trudi I could just see Jeya riding her bike, I bet she looked like a Tinkerbelle herself Stay in the sunshine

Carol I hope Damon has had fun at his 6th BD party and hope that perhaps he has graced us with more of his charm and wisdom

Lorrie Lovely picture of beautiful Kourtney Ours was held in doors

This is becoming too long so I will just say Sus, Leah, Crystal, Amy, Bonnie, Sonya and all Indigos I had the listing of all our angels and their pictures with me tonight at the candle lighting I felt you were all with me

Thank You.

[mikesmum]

Dan, love the burning light – thank you. Checked out the book, sounds like something we could all have written. Illustrations and graphics by you please.

Betty - "I just cannot stand to see the sadness in your eyes."

It’s that look we have; the emptiness, the deep soulful sadness. Last night at Steven’s I found myself smiling at his baby girl riding like the wind on a tiny two wheeler. I guess I have let the sadness find its place.

"you can't enjoy the pleasure of the ride if you have to deal with so much crap".

Betsy – Too true too true. The BS shovel is something I use alot. If it looks like BS and Smells like BS then it’s gotta go.

Kathy – I can tell just by the amount of work and the little time you have had to get your new nest into shape that you don’t stand still for long. I hope the internet search goes well. Hope you continue to feel the warmth surround you in your new home.

Karen – I guess I am lucky in many ways. Mikes siblings are older (in their 30’s). They have family and work to ‘distract them’ if you like. But nevertheless their loss is something I seemed to have overlooked. Steven, youngest son, told me about 18 months after Mike died that he felt he had lost his mum as well. Shattered what was left of my otherwise broken heart. Unintentionally I had forgotten he and Melissa had lost their sibling.

As for rambling, hey that’s the basic premise of this site. Here rambling is our way of nutting out what is driving us insane. To say out loud what our minds are thinking without fear or favour.

The candles have been lit, our minds even more focussed on our children today. Gone to soon, never out of our hearts or mind.

[mikesmomrs]

Dan, thanks for the candle...forever burning for our angels.

Dee: thank you for your sweet words. Have a good week at school.

Colleen: Glad that there have been some good things happen...praying the continue on that way.

They had a segment on the news tonight, showing the Candlelighting ceremony held in NH, in Manchester. That is a city about 40 miles from here. They showed everyone inside the church, with their own candles, and you could hear the names being read in the background. That is the first time in 14 years of being held in Manchester that this candlelight service "made the news." Perhaps there have been inroads made into helping others to recognize that when a parent loses a child, the child doesn't "disappear" along with any and all memories of them. There was also a segment the other day on The View, where Lisa Ling came on to talk about her miscarriage five months ago, and how much it impacted her and how evident it was that people don't want to discuss this loss. She has created a web site for women to visit. Perhaps there will come a day when the loss of a child will be spoken about openly, and hearts might heal a little "easier." Maybe.

We spoke with Damon today on the phone...we had called him to sing happy birthday. When he first took the phone from his mom, he immediately started telling me about his birthday presents. He was going on about what they were, what they do,, etc. I said "Could you hold on a just a minute sweetie?" He said, "okay." We (Ralph, myself and Chandler, Damon's oldest brother) sang happy birthday, all the way through to the end. When we finished the song, I held the phone to my ear and heard silence and then "and when you move his arm, his head moves too!" I guess he wasn't going to let a little thing like listening to a birthday song interrupt his train of thought!

Trudi: Thinking of you (and everyone here) lighting your candle, sending out the light of our love to our precious children...may they always feel the love that we hold in our hearts for them, until we meet again. I am glad that Jeya felt better and got to enjoy her birthday. Yes, the resilience of children is amazing sometimes. I loved that you were able to take some photo shots from the movie Mike made for the University. How did you do that? They came out great, by the way. I love looking at pictures of that beautiful man.

Karen: I am so sorry you are having to deal with the pain of trying to help your son and not having any response taht might indicate he is wanting you to be in his life. "But I feel if I do nothing he will interpret it as I don’t care." I can empathize with the "damned if you do and damned if you don't" part of these struggles, also. Perhaps if you wrote him a letter, explaining how you feel? Or, maybe you already have done that. Holding you close in prayer that a solution will find its way to you.

Betsy: Good to see you are okay. Holding you close.

Amy: You and Katie at the mall...such a sweet thing for you both to do...and the gentleman who entrusted you to shop for his chosen children from the tree...truly shows the spirit of this season.

I have been trying to sort through some cd's of pictures that I haven't looked through in a long time. Sometimes it is difficult to do this, and I need to just let it lay for a while. The "while" has sometimes run into more than a year. But, I have been going through some recently, and came across a picture of Mike and I at a ballgame, that I don't ever recall seeing before. I can tell from the length of his beard and also the hat he has on that it was taken a couple of months after his brain surgery. I have tons of pictures of Mike...and yet, it is such a gift to find one you don't remember seeing before---especially one where you are standing right next to them and the joy of the moment is jumping off the paper at you. I found this yesterday....

Got our tree into the stand today...progress.

love and peace to all, you are all such gifts to me.

carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

FINALLY BACK, I have missed you all so much. HORRAY!

[zachysmom]

WB Dee

I back to lurking around.

Just wanted to let all know I have begun decorating Zachy's site. So far just a tree but more will be done later you know me go for it all. Hopefully this year his lights won't be stolen.

Beth

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

So very happy to be back to my place of sanity, compassion and reality.

Beth Glad to see Zachy's sweet little face when I signed on. It is great that you are again decorating his special space I pray the lights will stay bright this year

Dee Yes great to be back

I can now relax and go about my day

Very cold here in NYC so I hope everyone stays warm

[lostwoher]

Finally! Whew thought I was going to go bezerk. Just because I dont post much doesnt mean that Im not here.

Missed you all. We will be going to Kayla's place soon so maybe I can post some pics of how I decorated there.

Take care.

[Crystal16]

I am so glad the site is finally working, I've missed you all. An entire day of not reading the postings have left me feeling anxious to check-in.

[westleysmom]

Hey all! My last post from 12/13 disappeared, maybe I did blow the site up! I don't even remember what I said, but I'm so glad ot be able to get back on.

Beth-I'm sure that Zachy's site will be beautiful and I hope too that nobody takes anything from it this year.

We don't have bad weather right now, but it may start freezing rain later on today. I hate to be so negative, but I'll just be glad when the whole thing is over, the holidays for one and the whole entire winter for another. It was 4 degrees yesterday morning here in TN and we don't usually have that kind of cold, but it has warmed up some. I hope you are all staying warm too, but it looked like the midwest was getting slammed the last time I looked.

Today is mine and Chris's 30th wedding anniversary, in just a few hours to be exact. We got married at 3:00 on a Monday afternoon in the chapel at the Methodist church where my friend Susan had gotten married two weeks before. She had a big wedding, but our's was only us and the witnesses and the pastor. But we're still married, so I guess it "took" anyway. I don't know what the gift for 30 years is, it should be better than silver and not as good as gold, so Chris thought it might be 18 k gold over sterling silver, like some costume jewelry (as you can tell, I married him for his sense of humor) Anyway, we went out Monday night just in case the weather was bad the rest of the week.

I hope you are all doing okay and didn't suffer withdrawal like I did from not being able to hear from everybody.

[lolynbo]

LOL IT LOOKS LIL FOREIGN BUT LEAST ITS UP

[lostwoher]

Congratulations on 30 years!

[lostwoher]

Why oh why must it show the size like this??

[rlolheiser]

hello family

I am so glad to read you again. I too have had such high anxiety at the board going down. I worked on my computer all night.. day.. and nothing worked... I spent time crying and now my family really think I am nuts... I told my daughter I was having withdrawl... and she just shook her head.

Rhonda, Congratulations to you and Chris.. I am so happy for you both.

Betty.. I agree... I haven't done so well without everybody, even though I don't write much or all the time.

Beth, I hope your decorations go well.. and I hope whoever is stealing lights leaves Zachy's alone.. leaves everybody's alone.. it is just so wrong hugs

Dee, Lori,Lynn, Crystal,.. everybody.. I am so glad I have you back.. I hate meltdowns.

big hugs all around!

[daniellemom]

I'm so glad we are back I know that I don't post much but I read each day. I was really having withdrawals from the site.

Love ya all!

Rhonda - Congrats on 30 years!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

So Rhonda, it was you who blew it up hu? Kidding. So happy for your 30th, what an accomplishment and testament to the two of you.

Beth, so good to Zachy's sweet face today, good luck decorating.

Sonya, good to see you today too. I have missed everyone, wondered if I was doing something wrong or if the weather knocked things down.

Leah, we're all here now, safe from the storms.'

Love to each and everyone,

dee

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[shellyku]

Hi Everyone! Haven't posted for quite a while but like a lot of you, I come to this site

several times a day. Well, when I couldn't get on, I of course thought it was due to

my very limited computer skills! Glad to see that it was site problem and not me.

Oh my fellow BIs, how does one get through this? I have been simply nonfunctional

while still functioning. This time of year is excrutiating. I deliver mail if you remember

and the carols playing at the post office and the office parties being planned and the

cards and packages I'm delivering leaves me feeling so abnormal...because I'm not

FEELING any of it. I'm profoundly sad and I miss my daughter. I've read some of the

posts from those of you who are further along on your journey, and I sense some

peace in your postings. I pray that comes to me in time. Please forgive me if I'm

bringing anyone down, I just felt the need to purge some of this pent up grief.

On another note, when I first logged on to the "main page" of BI, I saw an entry

entitled "The Loss of My Daughter" from a man named Mike. If any of you have

time, would you send him a word or two? I encouraged him to post on "Loss of

an Adult Child" telling him what wonderful and caring people were on this thread.

I lit my candle for our angels the other night. Put it out on my covered front porch

and let it burn all night so our angels could see. Thank you all for being here and

letting me be a part ...it means so much. Have a peaceful night Indigos, one and all.

[mysonrich]

ha ha..let me try this again. Rhonda, Happy 30th! nice to see everyone making it back to the site. 26 degrees here with the wind,18.

[mpsmom]

To all of my BI friends and family, as most of you know I have been away from the BI site for quite sometime. I do stop in to read once a week or so, but find it impossible to keep up.... This past Sunday my Compassionate Friends support group hosted a candle lighting, this is the second one for our group .. we hold it at a very pretty place and this year we had 80-100 people. Unlike most of the country the weather was beautiful, Sunday afternoon was 72 and it cooled off to about 65 that evening for our candle lighting. Greg, Brian's Dad shipped me the BI childrens banners, and some of my support group parents made their own banners. I wanted to post a couple pictures, so those of you whose banners I have could see that 'your children' came to Boudler City, NV just outside of Las Vegas.

This is my third Christmas without my daughter Bethany (my only child) and it seems I am more sad than last year. I am staying busy and trying not to think about Christmas coming, we are not celebrating it again this year, don't know if I will ever feel like it again.... one day at a time...

I miss all of you.... all my love and warm HUGS to everyone.

XOXOXOX

[zachysmom]

I was sitting here lurking and an idea hit me maybe if people are interested we could set up a day and time to all meet in the chat room and talk. May be we could make it go boom by all talking at once

[aim630]

Thank God, this is working now. I didn't realize how much this site was keeping me somewhat sane, until I couldn't log on for a couple of days. At first, I thought it was our internet connection, because of all the snow, then I realized the site must be down. The first thing I did tonight when I got home from work was check to see if I could get on, and was so glad I could. I have to leave to help my mom move, but look forward to logging on later tonight to catch up on everything.

[Crystal16]

Rhonda- Happy 30th to you and your husband... I pray for many more.

[daveydow1]

Hello all INDIGOES------It's been about 3 days since I have been able to access this site. I thought that it was

because of the snowy weather & my sattelite not bringing in the signal, burt I see that it was a problem with

the BI server or something. Yeah----what's up with all those SIZES 2, 3,...etc. ??? Odd, isn't it? Anyhow, it's

good that it is back up

.

Last week my husband & I took the Christmas trees to the cemetery for Davey and Lisa. I redecorated them this year.....

dog ornaments for Davey's tree, and small angel ornaments for Lisa's tiny tree. It's a good thing we went (it was very

cold and windy that day, but not as cold and snow/windy as the recent snowstorms.)

Trudi----So glad to hear that little Jeya is recovering from her eye problem, and living it up like a typical 4 yr-old.

Betsy----Yes, this time of year is particularly difficult, and you miss Rich so very much. I understand the anger thing,

and wanting to shout at someone and make them 'answer up' about Rich's death. Prayers that you find some peace.

Dan------THANK YOU..... FOR THE BEAUTIFUL CANDLE------LIT FOR ALL OUR ANGELS.

Chris----I'm pretty much better now, thanks. The storm is over (snow, wind, cold etc.) At least until it comes again.

Betty------Thanks for remembering all our angels with your candle lighting. I lit one too, although a slight bit lateer than 7 p.m.

The Bereaved Parents Organization had a candle lighting also....... Sunday or Monday., I believe.......held at a beautiful church, but

there were only 20 people in attendance. The weather was so bad, and people were being advised to stay off the roads if they

did not need to be out. I copies the poem that I read at the Christmas Tea at my house, so that I can give it to my mom to read.

She did not catch all the words when I read it (she is 91 and has hearing loss ). Touching story of when Stephen left for Calif.

because he could not stand to see the sadness in your eyes. You wisely, gave him the time and space to work things out for

himself, and no doubt he appreciated that....did a lot of thinking, and came back to NY to you. Peace & comfort, friend.

Karen---Thanks for the pic. Such a beautiful angel Shawn gave to you. Gifts from our kids who left this world are such treasures.

Beth----Good to see little Zachy's sweet smile.

Rhonda----Happy Belated Anniversary to you & your husband.

Sonya-----Glad to see Danielle smiling & lighting up the BI site.

Shellku-----Thanks for lighting a candle for Sarah and all our angels........open to the sky.

Marcia----Nice to see Bethany's dear smile too. I know how sad you are to be on your 3rd Christmas without Bethany. It is too, too sad.

You mentioned keeping busy. Yes, I guess it does help some, but we all know the sorrow that is just part of the heart.

Take care everyone.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[hotrod]

Hi Again Indigos

Wow it is amazing how good it feels to see all the angels and read your powerful words Indigos I would be lost without you.!!!!

Beth I agree it would be great to all arrange a time to meet in chat and just say the names of our angels and be together. I suggested it to Konnie and we will see.

Rhonda I thought I saw your posting as the last post and then the site was gone You are powerful!!!

Happy anniversary 30 years you are doing something right

Marcia I really missed seeing Bethany's beautiful face It is so wonderful that our Angels flags were at your ceremony. I loved seeing the pictures. I do know how painful the loss of an only child is

Betsy It is feezing here as well Stay warm and take care of you

Shelly ku Thanks for lighting a candle for all our angels and thanks for being here

Sherry The Christmas decorations for Davey and Lisa sound so pretty and thoughtful . Maybe you will post a picture when you get time. I too am glad you were able to get them up.before it turned colder. Glad you are able to give that poem to your mom it is so special

Lynn I visit our Gallery quite often and love seeing Kayla and her car

Sonya So grand to see Danielle's smile today It is so good to know everyone is around

Dee I hear that your area is pretty snowed in Do hope school was not closed!!

Crystal Karen, Chris. Sus, Carol, Kathy Trudi and all Indigos have a Blessed night.

[aim630]

Crystal, Lynn, Leah, Sonya & everyone else-I am so glad I am not the only one who had such a hard time the past few days. I was literally pacing the house, and trying every computer. I almost felt a panic attack coming on just because I couldn't get on here.

Although I hate that we all have a reason to be here, it is obvious how much we help each other, just by writing & reaching out to each other. I hate to think what this would have been like before the internet.

I am having such a hard time (as we all are) due to obvious reasons, plus the fact that it's snowing reminds me of the day Ashley died. We had a huge snowstorm the previous Saturday & that Tuesday she died. Although she died in February, little things are reminding me of last year at this time, when she was in the coma. I was so scared, so panicked every time I went to the hospital. I can still feel the panic inside me when I think about it. You all understand, because you've all been through this in some form or other, whether your child was sick for months, or suddenly died. I dreamed Ashley was here & we knew she was going to die, and I was begging the doctors to just please do something to save her, and I didn't want to tell her she was going to die. I had several dreams like this after my dad died, but so different than the one where I actually felt she was there. That gives me hope, that the one dream was so different than the rest, that she really was visiting me, telling me she was ok.

I wish I could just sleep through the next 4 months, and wake up in March...

I need to make 10 dozen cookies for the senior class cookie sale tonight, so I better go.

Rhonda-Happy 30th Anniversary!

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Amy Dear, I do think that the one dream that was different was indeed a visit. It feels different all day long for me after one of those. I know it seems like sleeping through it would be better, but somehow, this painful process is the only way that we realize that we are going to make it through the storm. I know we don't always want to make it through, but we will and we do adn we realize after the drought we experienced without each other, that we make it with our friends and family from BI.

With a little help from my friends as JOe Cocker sang.

Betty, we rarely have a snow day in Oak Park Illinois, we are a neighborhood school system. Ten schools dotted through the community. So in the last 11 years, one day off due to a water main break. The kids are squirrels with clothes on. THEY ARE NUTS. You would love it.

Shellyku, hang on Sweetie. It is so very hard that first year, that second adn third, but do take heart, it does soften. It does hold some peace in the future. I feel my main purpose in these hallways is to sing that loud and clear, we do find our way out of the darkness and into the light, and after a time, we visit the dark less often. Hang on.

Marcia, the photos made me cry, thanks for taking our kids with you to that lovely ceremony. I saw my Eri flying high and knowing she was safe in your care made me smile. Prayers to you.

[rlolheiser]

again.. it sure is nice to be back

I am having a tough time getting going with the Christmas this year. It started out fair, but I have gone down.. my tree isn't quite done.. the decorations are laying in boxes.. if it wasn't for the kids I wouldn't have accomplished anything. I am missing going to JaBoa's site this year. With the extra cold weather and mom's worsening condition I can't just take off. it is 120 miles and I can't go.. I can't lay out any decorations.. I can't sit and talk to her. Yeah.. I know I can talk to her here.. but there is something about going there and doing something there. It sounds silly, but I feel so empty not doing it. It is 4 years and I haven't missed placing things on her grave.. but so different this year and it makes the lonliness harder.. I guess in an odd way.. I included her in the holiday. I miss her so much, and I know you all miss your angels.. how I pray every night to wake up.. even now and find out it is just a bad dream.

Marcia, it is so good to see sweet Bethany..and to hear from you. The pictures are wonderful. I haven't finished my banner for jaBoa yet, I was supposed to get some help but the people who were going to help me have been to busy. I love to think of our angels flying high all over the country and beyond

I am happy to see you all, and feel a lot of relief that I am able to read again.. should write more but suddenly I am wanted by everybody again.. no rest

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - I did not even know the site was down I have been so busy with things around the house and work.

Marcia - thank you for showing the pics and I am so glad my Jessica made it to you along with our other Angels. Think of you often my friend.

I just wanted to say hi, having a bit of a rough time with Christmas almost upon us as I know everyone else is also....

Love you all, Kahty

[lolynbo]

I STILL AM HOLDING OFF TEARS WHICH I NO WILL COME, BUT IM HAVING SEVERAL "GOOD DAYS"...WITH NO TEARS..NOT THAT THE TEARS ARE BAD...IM KINDA SCAIRED IDKY IM NOT REALLY DEPRESSED AND CRYING....BUT IM SURE THEY WILL COME...IDK I FEEL KINDA STRONG RIGHT NOW...

IM STILL NOT LOOKING FWD TO CHRISTMAS..OR NEW YEARS..(ANOTHER NEW YEAR WITH OUT MY GIRL) IT SHOULD STILL BE 07'

GLAD WE ARE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN....ON BI

KIMMY IS IN COLD ORLANDO FLORIDA...SHOULD BE BACK TO OKC TOM...KODYS OUT OF SCHOOL TIL WE GUESS THE 2ND OF JAN...(I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO GET HIM FOR CHRISTMAS)...

I THINK I MIGHT BY A CHRISTMAS TREE FOR CEMETERY..IVE NEVER PUT ONE OUT JUST FLOWERS...LOVE TO ALL

OH AND I GOT KIMMY A CROSS FOR HER BDAY WHICH IS 21ST, BUT WERE GOING TO CITY SUNDAY TO CELEBRATE...THE CROSS IS AJAMES AVERY CROSS THAT SHE USED IN HER WEDDING ON HER FLOWERS....SHE GAVE IT TO ME TO WEAR WHILE KOURTNEY WAS ILL, I WORE IT FOR ABUT 6 MONTHS..AND KIMBERLY LET ME GIV IT TO KOURTNEY WHEN SHE DIED SO ITS IN KOURTNEYS HAND.....SO NOW IM REPLAING IT AND WANT TO SHOW YAL ..

[ericasmom]

Well Kathy preparing a new home is time consuming. I heard the storms are heading east northeast, so hang on to your hats, the wind was mighty. We only had a few inches of snow, not like you Colleen or those in Minnesota, they had a foot and a half or more. Nope, just a few inches here but maybe more coming tonight, in fact, as I lok out the window, I do believe it has begun. Cool. If it is going to be cold, it ought to be white and muffled. It has been bitterly cold, today however reached the low 20's which is perfect winter temps. It is th efluctuation I hate, way cold-above average which causes havoc on health issues. Today it was 6 degrees outside when I went for my morning walk. I wore double pants, and lots of layers, so I was fine but only for 30 min..

Leah, decorating the gravesite has become a tradition in your life, sadly, and so when even that is missing in your days leading to the holiday, it sets you off, it is like being deprived of all that is left. But the year requires a different energy from you with your Daughter home and your Mom ill. You cannot get to the place that JaBoa rests, so know that she is always resting in you, always in your heart and in your love. She has come to you this year, bringing you what she can for the holiday. She is near, right there with you.

Sherry, I heard that you guys inOhio got the snow and the cold. I hope that you are warm and cozy in your home looking out onto the fields and forests.

Betsy, how is your Aunt? Have the police helped in your situation at all? Thinking of you.

Bonnie? you out there?

Love and wonderful dreams or visits.

[lolynbo]

OH AND I GOT KIMMY A CROSS FOR HER BDAY WHICH IS 21ST, BUT WERE GOING TO CITY SUNDAY TO CELEBRATE...THE CROSS IS AJAMES AVERY CROSS THAT SHE USED IN HER WEDDING ON HER FLOWERS....SHE GAVE IT TO ME TO WEAR WHILE KOURTNEY WAS ILL, I WORE IT FOR ABUT 6 MONTHS..AND KIMBERLY LET ME GIVE IT TO KOURTNEY WHEN SHE DIED SO ITS IN KOURTNEYS HAND.....SO NOW IM REPLACING IT AND WANT TO SHOW YAL ..

[ericasmom]

Lor,

that cross is gorgeous and I think Kim will be overwhelmed by the meaning attached to it. What a good thing to do. Remember, those times when you are feeling strong are good, don't feel guilty for it and don't waste it worrying about the time when the tears do flow, we all wil have tear-flowing-like -river-times, spread your pretty wings now and go about doing the good things that you do.

Kourt is proud of you,

dee

[hotrod]

Hi Again Indigos

Thought I would just talk to a few that posted before I go to sleep. that way I will not have such long posts.

Amy, I too believe that Ashley did visit to tell you she was Ok I hope that the cookies turned out well and that you can get some much needed rest. I know how important that is.

Lorrie I agree it is a beautiful cross. Truly breath taking.

I try to enjoy the days when I feel Ok . I know the other days are coming. In fact I have started to see that I am becoming angry with family and strangers over nothing That is a sure sign I am heading toward a dark place. . Now that I am thinking about it, maybe I was snapping at everyone because I was not connected to my Indigo Lifeline We will see.

Leah You have a great deal on your plate Please be gentle with yourself That is a long drive to visit JaBoa so maybe you could give yourself permission to go in the spring . You can include her in your Christmas by putting a decoration on your tree in her honor

Dee You are a funny lady I can see the children being squirrels dressed in cloths and being nuts.

I do love it

Stay warm and safe Indigos