Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Sus and Gary Happy Anniversary You are both wonderful people

Crystal My what a brave courageous mom you are. Your empathy for others even while suffering your unspeakable pain is so admirable.

Rhonda I know how it feels to see that car in the driveway . I live in an apartment so that the car and truck trailer etc. were in Stephen's driveway It gave me comfort while I was thee. I had to sell the house give cars , tucks and furniture away as I had no room in my small place and no garage. I still see the truck as my nephew drives it to all functions The car was wrecked a year later. Hold on as long as you can I miss all the things I should have kept more.

Betsy Love the Video Hope you are resting and no more dreams

Dee This statement just about said it all for me: When you are grieving, human nature says to find out why this happened? There are no answers really, not any that will satisfies the burning ache in our souls, so we just live as alien beings for a while until we learn bit by bit how to listen to music again, how to read a book, how to sit with a friend over coffee, how to go to work, how to live in the light. One day, you will live in the light again You are a wise profound woman."

Colleen Yes NYC is lovely this time of year and like you am really "feeling" it this year Glad that you can stay in your home this year

Sherry So very sorry to hear about the little dove. You feel like such a gentle, generous person I bet your baking and decoration is so tasteful

Leah you are certainly and Indigo I would miss seeing JoBoa terribly.

Lorrie lovely picture

Chris glad the Dr visit had a small healing effect and that the furniture exchange has been corrected/

OK Indigos I am Off to the OBGYN NO I am not PREGENANT Just the routine stuff

Stay well

[westleysmom]

Betty-You're sure you're not pregnant? I bet that's a relief! Ha ha!

[kmb22]

Happy Anniversary Susannah and Gary!!

[aim630]

Happy Anniversary Susannah & Gary!

Crystal-I’m sorry you have to go through this difficult trial, and the confusing emotions. I’m sure Ashlee is looking down & is very proud of you for being able to feel compassion for Dylan in the midst of all your anger & hurt.

We are going to get a (live) Christmas tree this weekend. I would just do without one if I could, but Katie’s already lost so much, I can’t take this tradition away from her. She will be in college next year, so it won’t be the same.

Colleen-I understand you travelling during the holidays, and am glad you are able to find the peace to stay at home this year. It almost feels like this is the 2nd Christmas without Ashley, because she was in a coma last year, and 2008 was the last Christmas we were able to spend with her.

I am dreading Katie going away to college next year. We are very close, and she probably spends more time with me than her friends. She’s always been like that, a homebody. The minute Ashley got her license, we hardly ever saw her. She was always busy with her friends. I know I can’t make her stay close, just because I don’t want to be alone. Of course I still have my husband, but most of the time Katie and I do things without Jeff. He takes pictures part-time for the newspaper, and has assignments most weekends, and some nights.

Last night I was at the grocery store, and saw a gift card for a spa. That was a “trigger” because Ashley’s boyfriend gave her one for Christmas 2008, and she never got to use it. That just breaks my heart. Also, while going through her things today (trying to make some order, it’s all over our basement), I found her box of flip-flops. She had flip-flops in every imaginable color, and some with the tags still on. I hate that she was never able to wear them. Am I being weak for trying to push away those thoughts?

Well goodnight all…

Amy/Ashley’s mom

[lolynbo]

The point Lorri, is these folks are sick, SICK if they feel it is their right to protest due to someone's belief system. OH MY GOODNESS, the pain this woman has faced, the losses in her life, and losing her life in the face of so much, my goodness, what are they going to protest? HER GRACE or HER COURAGE or HER COMPASSION FOR THOSE IN NEED OF HEALTH CARE? Sickens me.

DEE IM GUESSING U WERE TALKN ABOUT THE FUNERAL PROTESTERS...AS U NO THEY WERE AT THAT LIL GIRLS FUNERAL HERE IN OUR TOWN FEW WEEKS AGO...SO SAD...HARD ENOUGH TO LOSE SOMEONE WITH OUT TROUBLE MAKERS....

SO SORRY ABOUT THE TRIAL YOUR HAVING TO GO THRU WITH DYLAN, AS I TELL MY HUBBY SOMETIMES OUR PAIN COULD BE WORSE...SORRY FRIEND..WISH WE COULD ALL BE WITH YOU AT THE TRIAL...

WESTLEYS MOM, SO HARD TO HAVE TO SELL YOUR SONS CAR...IDK WHAT WLD BE WORSE SEEING IT OR NOT SEEING IT, I DONT SEE ANY OF KOURTNEYS NEW TRUCKS SHE HAD OR HER NEW CAR...I GUESS THEY ARE GONE TOO:(

KODY MADE PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES TONIGHT AND DID A GREAT JOB...DEE IF HE COOKS U GOTTA DO THE CLEANING UP...LOL

I DID BUY SOME STOCKING STUFFERS TODAY...AND OUR NEW PJS FOR CHRISTMAS EVE...CHRISTMAS PANTS AND WHITE T SHIRTS AND CHRISTMAS SOCKS...(SOMETHING DIFF ANYWAYS).

[aviemare]

It has been over 8 months now since my husband brought our daughter Nicole home in a box of ashes. I still feel like I am in a fog. I read all the other stories here and I bleed not only for myself, but for all of you. There is nobody left to talk to about my child's death. My husband is supportive but very closed off; he concentrates on supporting me so he will not have to face his pain. My other adult children will mention their sister once in a while but there really is nobody except my poor mentally ill younger daughter to discuss Nicole with. She was there when her sister died, and it has ruined her mind.

My anxiety has blown through the roof. I am doing well on depression itself; not clinically depressed thank God. I was on antidepressant medication before Nicole died for Fibromyalgia, and I think I am fine at this dose. I eat, sleep, get up, feed my horses, go out with my husband...I go through all the motions of life but I don't feel like I am alive anymore. I am hoping this will ease with the passage of time. It has been such a short time really since my child left...

I have always suffered from Panic/Anxiety Disorder. I usually can control it with meditation, relaxation and breathing and guided imagery. These are all failing me right now as I face my first Christmas without a child I saw almost daily for 26 years. Her young son will never see his mother open a Christmas present, or tell her he loves her, or go to the park with her again.

My doctor and I are both opposed to drugging the crap out of a grieving person but I think at this point I need to take something to control the anxiety; at least through these very tough times right now. It is almost crippling me.

My 16 year old dog is starting to fail in health. I know I will loose her soon; probably in the new year. She has been my friend and seen me though so many things in life. Now I will have to have the courage to make that call to the vet when her quality of life is gone. Until then, I will do every thing possible to make her happy.

Does anyone relate to this stupid anxiety issue? How do your health care providers feel about it? All my resources are failing me, and I feel like a raw nerve.

My best friend babbles endlessly on the phone about her family drama. Literally for HOURS. I just listen in a daze and think how lucky she is that she still has them. I hear the phone ring and my anxiety goes through the roof because I know it's her and I just can't listen to another single minute of her gossip. Never about anything as friends; just about the drama in her life. I love her and don't want to hurt her but am avoiding her right now. Am I being selfish?

Sigh. I'm sorry for all of us here this Christmas. I'm sorry for the loss and the silence of nobody wanting to hear about our loved ones anymore.

I'm sorry we have to turn to the internet to even discuss the people we loved so dearly. But I'm GRATEFUL that you are all here so that we can all talk about those we miss without being made to feel like basket cases.

Peace and God's Grace

Scherry

[rlolheiser]

lost a big post.. guess I will try again tomorrow.. someday i will learn to do it in word first :-(

Scherry.. be kind to yourself, your on a hard road.. I hope you share with us often, its a terrible tragedy to lose a child, but this site is a God send.. we learn to live with the pain as time goes on, somedays are harder than others. I hope we get to know you and your angel Nicole, your not alone on this journey,

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's --

Crystal - I cannot imagine having to sit through a court trial as you are doing...I do however understand the smack/hug siutation. I know that Dylan's parents still have him but they suffer their own pain..nothing compared to your loss I know but pain....If you understand that Dylan loved your daughter and would never hurt her than I believe there is a part of you that does want to tell him that. I wish I had the words to help you along but as always I am not very good at it, I can say you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sherry - I feel you about the panic attacks / anxiety...I too have suffered for many years with them but learned how to control them until I lost Jessica and then they came at me like a tidal wave. My doctor knows I do not like to take medicine but there was no way I could function, I was a total mess...I take lexapro, one in the morning and I take zanax, one in the morning and one at night....I am ok with taking the meds as they simply even me out, I am not drowsy or doppey....just calmer. You are so very early on this journey and there is nothing wrong with taking something to help you, it will not take the pain away we know but it does help so think about it. I am sorry about your doggie...we had to put ours down 2 years ago and I still ache with the pain of not having her here to comfort me. to look at me with those big eyes that said "I am here and I love you".... I miss her hugs, she was great at giving them....but I did not and could not watch her suffer - I loved her too much. As for your best friend who babbles endlessly......that is a hard one because you love her but right now she is making you crazy....you are avoiding her and soon enough she will figure that out....BUT you need to think about YOU and what YOU need right now and if she cannot understand that than she is not your friend. We here have all lost people we thought were our best friends and believe me it was not as big a loss as you would think. Hugs to you my friend and please take care.

To all other Indigo's - I am weary and tired but HAPPY to be in this home....each day I get a bit more accomplished and it is beginning to look like "our home". It feels good to walk through the door after work...Tavian loves it and Barry is happy and I know that my Jessica is smiling..... Oh how I wish she were here.....

I will do my best to catch up with all of you as soon as I can....Love, Peace and Strength, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Thank you all for the well wishes on our anniversary. It has been a good day. Gary and I exchanged cards and a kiss. His attention turned to the new kitchen floor I'm getting (we're getting) and I got a surprise visit from a dear friend. Gary joined us for a bit while we talked about marriage and just what that means to us. She stood up for me at our wedding. The kids are now in bed, Gary is doing whatever it is he has to do for the floor and I am staying out of his way. We will have our date on Saturday night.

Dee - It was I who mentioned the church picketing Elizabeth Edwards funeral. I never agreed with anything they've done and I thought ignoring them might make them go away. Before I just saw them as cruel. But, Elizabeth Edwards? Now I just see them as rediculous.

Scherry - I also had the aversion to drugs and/or anti depressants. I finally "caved" and began taking them when I couldn't function anymore. I saw myself as weak for needing assistance through a pill. But, alas, the pill (taken as directed) helped me get control of my emotions long enough to at least brush my teeth and get some sleep. It's almost time to begin weaning me off of them. On a lighter note, I actually argued with my doctor about it. "You're depressed" he said. "I'm not depressed. I'm grieving the death of my daughter." I argued. "That's why you're depressed." he said. "Are you sure?" I questioned. "I know." he said. "Well, if that don't beat all." I sighed. It's just for a little while to help the chemicals in my brain adjust to the huge trauma that wrecked my soul. I wouldn't feel guilty at all about taking insulin if I had diabetes....but, somehow I felt less than because I needed help with this. Turns out he (the doctor) was right. Who knew?

Amy - There are many triggers, aren't there? I'm glad you have Katie with you now. What a loving mother you are.

Lorri - We get new jamies for Christmas eve, too.

Peace and hugs to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

SHERRY, IM SORRY..MY KIDS DONT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT THE LOSE OF KOURTNEY CUZ THEY SAY "IF UR HAVING A GOOD DAY I HATE TO RUIN IT"...SO WE HAVE DECIDED TO TALK ABOUT HER WHEN EVER WE WANT REGARLESS OF GOOD /BAD DAYS....I DONT HAVE ANY ANSWERS FOR YOU, JUNE 17 2008 IS SO FRESH IN MY MIND IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY...I CAN SAY I KNOW WE HAVE GOOD AND BAD DAYS..AND WITH THE HOLIDAYS THERE GONNA SUCK AND THEN WE HAVE NEW YEARS...(ANOTHER YR COMITH WITH OUT MY GIRL)....JUST TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME..HUGGS TO YOU MY FRIEND..OH AND I JUST HAD TO PUT MY 16 YR OLD TRIXIE DOWN TOO, BUT SHE WAS HURTING AND I THOUGHT OF IT AS MY GIFT FOR KOURTNEY, SHE CLD BE WITH SISSY....

[aviemare]

Thank you all for your love and advice. I know I need anxiety meds right now. I already emailed my doc but he won't be back until next Monday so I may have to email him again. I just took 1mg of Ativan and it did help. They are my husband's but I have enough drugs in my safe to tranq a rhino. I'm just careful what I take and discuss with my doctor first.

As far as MORE antidepressants, I am very hesitant to take more of that type of med right now because I already take two different kinds. Of course I am depressed; I just lost my child. But I don't think that I am so clinically depressed that I need to increase/add/change the meds I am on for depression. My body will simply get accustomed to the higher dose, and it will become impossible for me to wean down to the lower dose I take now.

Anxiety meds work on a different part of the brain: the part I NEED WORK ON right now. LOL They can also be taken as needed as opposed to antidepressants. I still get up, clean house, get dressed up, put my makeup on, go shopping and have some sort of life. It's not a quality life right now, but I doubt it would be at this point. It is my hope to someday really LIVE again, and not just exist.

Well, we shall see what Doc says on Monday. He and I are a pretty good team and on the same page, but I will tell him it's time to start with some anxiety medication to get me though this hump.

I'll let you know what he says.

Scherry

[daveydow1]

Dee----- Your walk must have been very invigorating, despite the low temps. Yikes......kids having inside

recess for a couple days in a row. No wonder they're antsy......they have so much pent up energy. It will be good

when they can get back out & run/play etc. and wear off some of that energy. (wish I had some of it .)

Leah----Yes, it does sound as though your daughter is fending off, and delaying the grief process. Bless your

other little granddaughter who misses JaBoa so much. Four years is such a tender age. (my little grandie is 4,

so I know what you mean about them being so perceptual and easily hurt). Sending prayers for you & your family.

I think that you do help your daughter and grandaughter just by being there for them.

Colleen-------I will be baking a cake tomorrow night for a family gathering Sat. I don't attempt bread. Do you use a

bread machine? I made a loaf of white bread once........years ago, and it must have weighed 5 lb. Never tried it

after that. Lots of people just have a knack for it.......I'm not one of them.

Chris----I'm so glad that you found a good therepist that you feel comfortable with. I think that is part of the battle----finding

someone that you feel you can relate to, and who is not too 'clinical' , as you said.

Lorri----Love Kim's pic. I think she looks a lot like you.

Rhonda-----Oh, I so know what you mean about grocery shopping, and all the triggers that can be set off. Going down the

aisles can be like walking in a mine field. I think my husband and I ate out a good bit in the first few months after Davey

died. It was good your sister helped out with the shopping to give you a break from it.

Susannah----Congratulations to you and Gary on your 4th Anniversary. Do you mean those are the crazies who also picket

funerals of dead soldiers? Yes, I too wonder why they would picket Elizabeth Edwards funeral, and wonder what their hateful

signs will say?? Someone should throw rotten tomatoes at them.

Crystal-----I'm sorry about your experience in court. Very sad and emotional time. I'm sorry.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Betty------The doves are so pretty.......they are a soft velvet brown, and walk around pecking away at all

the seeds, bread, and things we put out for them. There must have been 8 or 10 out there today.

Amy----It's nice you are getting a live tree. I know that it is difficult to think about decorating, and the sadness

is always there. Katie will like the tree, and will want to help with the decorating.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Scherry, I remember your being here earlier on but this is still early in the path of grief. You are with others here at around the same point. I am sorry that you are feeling the anxiety that seems to invade our lives but glad taht you are dealing with it with a doctor. As far as your good friend, I think it might be time to just let her know that at this point in your life, you will need to stop being on the phone as much because you are feeling too anxious. You can tell her that you are changed and while you love her, it is very hard for you to go back to the same conversations that you had before you lost Nicole. I wished I had said this to my old friend earlier on, I listened and worried about her as she had disaserous affairs adn cried like crazy day after day as I was grieving. I listened and gave advice when she asked and started feeling very angry at her. I LOST MY DAUGHTER, you lost some idiot that disrespects you each time you see him. I felt that time was short, far too short to listen to the events of a woman spending her energy in all the wrong ways, (affairs and on the sly). We still talk, friends since 6th grade, but I have never felt as close to her as I once did. She really felt that her issues were paramount. She even said after a man, a creepy man, broke it off with her, that she now understood my pain in losing Eri. REALLY? You think so? I was angry to have equated an illicit affair to the loss of a child. She has children too. ICKY! I guess what I meant to say is that time is short, and it is okay to let others know what you can and cannot do.

Sherry, the kids went out today, HOORAY. We had a wrapping party for all the gifts we purchased for the family our class adopted. It was fabulous. The kids brought food too, so we had food, they brought pajamas to wear at their party, and we wrapped the gifts. Just as we do each year, after wrapping we talk about what we are feeling. One boy said, I think this is the first time in my life that I really feel I did something good. That made me cry. One child said, maybe this family will do this for another family when they have money again. I deliverd the gifts to the church where the volunteers will work from now until Saturday organizing the this huge operation, and then, the gifts will be delivered. My bones ache but my heart feels good. I also had to finish my report cards today and so I am tired adn it was our school holiday party tonight. My goodness. I am going to bed.

Sus, thanks for clarifying that it was you who spoke of Elizabeth Edwards. Oh I love the photo of you and Gary, keep up the good work on the marriage. Congrats.

Betty, you are a dolly, thanks for your sweet thoughts.

[Guest msnher]

Another morning "ramble"...

Hello Indigo's.

It's 5am. It's still dark outside and I have a great view of the lights of the city. The only clue the mountain sits just behind the lights are the lights from the towers on top of the mountain. Seemingly appearing as if they are suspended in air. The house is quiet except for the heater clicking on and off. The fridge, too, makes a soft purr. I am half laying/half sitting on the sofa, cuddled in the blanket Gary's mother gave him 18 yrs ago, my cup of hot coffee within arms reach on the coffee table.

I rose early this morning on purpose. It wasn't one of those "can't sleep" times. I wanted to touch up some painting in the kitchen before Gary begins to lay the new floor today. I was confident I had given the first coat enough time to dry so a second coat could be applied. I was wrong. Note to self - don't slide your fingers across the object you just painted to check to see if it is still wet. (It's not like I don't already know that)

Aside from the comfort I find on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket given to my love with love from his mother years ago, I find myself wrapped in a blanket of security and peace more comfortable and familiar to me than my favorite pair of sweats I pulled on as I got out of bed. I'm not surprised, but definitely find it interesting, that I am so familiar with the serenity I am enfolded in.

It's natural. It seems right. Peace.

It's also been a very long, long time since I have even felt a hint of this sweet caress .

A week or two ago I felt like I had been touched by the finger of Love.....

Almost a year ago I wrote what I labeled my "letter from God". Profound, if I say so myself. And, I do. Say so myself. But those experiences were not strong enough to carry me for long in the face of the power of my grief.

I have described the death of my daughter the most painful experience of my life. I have also described it as one of the most spiritual. Well, it WAS that in the beginning. When I was so raw from the pain and shock of her sudden, seemingly tragic death, that every fiber of my being was split wide open, ready to receive any and all signs of something more powerful at work.

It was such a contradiction. Many times, more times than I can count, I would drop to my knees in a puddle of sobs; holding my gut with my arms lest it split wide open as I felt the tearing from within the deepest part of my soul..........only to walk outside to smoke after what I came to call a grief episode and notice, really notice, the beauty in the sky...the different shades of blues. I became mesmerized with clouds and the different consistency of fluffy white spread through each one. I seem to be aware of each blade of grass as one sprouted higher than the next.

Soon the blades of grief that made me softer, more tender in the beginning, became dull....not cutting, but still hammering the message of loss to the deepest part of my consciousness.

As the blades turned to a hammer, pounding it's message of "she's gone" a scale grew over my eyes. The awe I had just felt over the wonder of creation turned to cynical sarcasm at the Creator I felt betrayed me. I no longer saw colors. I no longer noticed the wind. Instead of watching the grass grow I wondered why we planted the damn stuff! More work.

Noise, any noise, became my enemy. Noise forced me into now. I hated now. The power of now. Now had destroyed every bit of faith I had left. There was none. I sought refuge in my bed.....ocassionally emerging to let anyone and everyone know how deep my sorrow was. Oh, I didn't TELL them. I didn't have to. It exuded from every pore of my body.

I quit hearing. I quit smelling. I quit seeing. I quit feeling. I could only hear, smell, see and feel one thing. She died. My daughter's dead. MY daughter's dead. Every other sound, fragrance, vision or emotion was an intrusion on the one fact I could not wrap my head around. The most important thing for me to understand. The question there will never be an answer to - Why?

My grief became duct tape wrapping itself around me, binding me so all I could see was the one thing I wanted to run from. Grief won't allow you to run from it. Grief will slap you upside the head until it has your complete attention.

"I'm NOT doing this!" I announced.

"Oh yes you are." Grief responded. "You will do it now or you will do it later, but you WILL do this."

Grief seemed to mock me by forcing me to walk through, stumble through, fall through....even drag me through the most torturous time of my existence and laugh in my face as it says "I'm not telling you why."

When did it change? When did it turn to a soft pillow of security? When did I realize the reason I don't get an answer to my why is because no answer will ever suffice?

Oh yes. It was that morning. Just a few days ago. The morning between awake and asleep. The morning I was allowed to see...to actually be there. Was it just a dream? Was it a vision? Did it really happen? Those questions don't seem to matter.

I just know that for three days I have not been able to wipe this stupid grin off my face. For three days I have been set free from the bondage of the duct tape of grief. Will it last? Does it matter? It's here. Now.

And, all I can tell you is I know we are loved....I know we come from a more powerful love than we can comprehend or articulate. I know our angels are in the presence of that love.

That knowledge won't wipe away all the tears. I don't even know if it will keep my own at bay. It seems to have done so for the past three days. Grief seems to be a spiritual law we are forced to walk through.

My dream or vision or whether it was even real won't remove your grief. Perhaps it will even annoy the hell out of some of you. "There she goes again! I wish she would just shut the hell up!" But, maybe...just maybe....there is one of you it will bring a bit of hope, maybe even encourage you.

What I can tell you is I am changed. For right now. Every time I think of Stephanie or see a picture of her I smile. Perhaps that's why I can't wipe this stupid grin off my face because I'm always thinking about her. A security and peace has wrapped itself around me like the blanket I'm cuddled in.

I have this desire to run to the woman who hurt my grandchildren so terribly and tell her I love her. Tell her I forgive her. Prudence and honor for my grandchildren's experience prevents me from such an action. But, it's there....the forgiveness.

I even feel joyful at my own humanity. My own hatred for laundry brings a chuckle to my soul. I found it interesting when I began to get annoyed at the girl at Subway. She asked my order too fast and asked another question before I answered the first question and she wasn't listening to me and I began to raise my voice at her. I caught myself and inwardly said "Wow! We CAN be affected by someone else's mood." Only, I wasn't sure who was affecting whom...her business or my slow speech. It wasn't like she didn't have other customers standing behind me waiting while I decide what kind of bread I want and I couldn't quite follow her lips to see what she was saying and she spoke much too fast for my ears to keep up. I ended up ordering all of us the same sandwiches and left.

"Grandma, why didn't you get us something to drink?" The kids asked as we walked to the car. "Because I was too confused to order it." I tell them the truth.

They didn't question me further, but I noticed the looks between them. The look that says, "She's really losing it and we're screwed!" LOL

Yep, some things remain the same. Well, everything remains the same. But, nothing is the same.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos

I have hesistated in writting this, but I just need to talk. Trevor has been truant 3 days and is now getting a ticket. We have to appear in court. Trevor has, twice, called a Teacher a B*tch. Trevor is late to class and does not turn in his homework.

I have bitten-off more than I can chew. When I talk with Trevor about these things, he is truly remorseful. It is like he cannot control himself when he gets into situations where he feels he is being belittled or attached.

Trevor is also a slob and does not help unless asked. He is very polite to me and does not call me any names. I have not seen this side of him that others seem to envoke.

Yesterday, before drivers ed, AJ and Trevor were tossing candy in the hall before class. The janitor told them to stop and they responded like 17 year olds. A shouting match ensued and Trevor, again, called her a B*tch.

So now, I have to escort Trevor to and from driver ed.

I am sick - sick that I cannot seam to help this kid. All guidance counselors and every other counselor are involved.

Sad today

Colleen

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Colleen I am so very sorry that this is happening I know you had such wonderful hopes that your love and healthy surroundings would accomplish the turnaround. As you know the teen years are horrendous and you have taken on a troubled child. Change takes time and having patience to follow thru at this time with this child is hard You have not failed.

I am glad you will meet with the guidance counselors and hopefully a successful program can be worked out. Please remember that you and your family deserve peace and joy in your home

Sus It sounds as if you have reached acceptance Hope on to the sweet re memories

Sherry Thank you for the lovely description of the doves and your visions out side your window.

Carol hope you arrived home safe and Trudi I bet you and MD are taking long walks in the summer sun Oh how I miss that

Good News Rhonda I am not preganet. Today I have takan out my red Christmas Candles and curtains and plan to tun my home into a more festive place than it has been for a long time. Then off to food shop

Betsy,Leah Crystal, Karen Scherry and all Indigos I hope you all have a good

peaceful day

[shorty16]

Indigos

I have called my church and asked for 2 WWJD bracelets. I am going to ask the boys to wear them. And the next time they get into a situation where they are getting frustrated - look at the bracelet.

We will see if that has any effect.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

ODD! This morning I wrote right when I got back from a wonderful winter walk, but it isn't here. Darn, I wanted to tell you all how I hope that the peace of the morning that I was experiencing, would touch you as well today, and hope for our Angels to bestow upon all of us, a message of some sort, whether it be a vision, a coin, a song, a glimpse of a child that resembles ours, a bird's song...whatever, let us know who it is from, let us be touched.

Colleen, I am so sorry that your Trevor is starting to slide. Holidays may be affecting him negatively, but also, it is what we call the honeymoon period. Often times, while working with kids who have had tumultuous lives, they seem happy and adjusted at first, happy and appreciative, and then they begin to fall off. Many kids do this after you are fully invested in them with your hearts, so that you still love them. It is a sad but common ocurrance. Blessings to you all as you work toward some sort of understanding. He may need some ultimatums. You did not fail him Col, you made room in your hearts and homes for him, it is now going to be a big energy for him to try to find ways to pull his weight.

I wish you enough.

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I hope that the bracelets help and that Trevor can find his way to control his natural 17 year old male tendencies. Westley had quite a problem with authority and anger, too, although he could control it most of the time. I know you are doing a good job, he has many years of his old way of thinking and reacting to overcome. Good luck with it, my thoughts are with you.

Scherry-I remember seeing your postings earlier when I first came to BI. I have the panicky feelings at times, too and so far have been able to avoid medications, but there is no reason not to if they help. I hope you are able to talk to your dr and get something that will help. We'll make it through, other's have and I'm sure it wasn't easy for them either.

Susannah-I'm so glad you have found a measure of peace these last few days and I hope it lasts. I'll try to go back to see if you mentioned exactly what was your revelation, my mind is so scattered I can't remember anything.

Betty-Decorating and food shopping, you sound like Sherry! At least I think it was Sherry. (Scatterbrained, I am!) At least you don't have to look for maternity clothes!

Trudi-Hope you're doing okay and good weather is there to stay!

Kathy-I'm glad to hear that you are getting settled in.

We finally went to a Titan's game last night. Last minute tickets available, so we just went. It was cold and clear, we got beat, but it was still fun. But I think now that we've finally been to a game, I really do enjoy watching from the couch more! I only drifted off in my thoughts once, and I can't remember what it even was that triggered it, but I was thinking whether Westley would have enjoyed it. He wasn't a big football fan, I had tried to explain the game to him while we watched a few times, but he never wanted to sit down and watch a whole game. There were some very rowdy fans sitting close to us, but they weren't too bad.

A band that Westley liked (he had asked for the CD last Christmas, I got it for him and its still in his car. I used to go out there and listen to it every now and then, but there's no battery in it right now so I can't) called Rehab, of all things, is playing tonight in town. The song that he liked is called the Bartender Song. It kind of has a country feel, if I knew how to put the link to the video on here, I would, but I'm at work and kind of busy. Its about a guy who gets drunk and breaks his parole and is going back to jail. I know, its not the kind of song that makes most people feel all teary-eyed and sentimental, but that's what it does to me. This is part of the song:

You know I'll probably get ten years

So just give me beers til' they get here

Yeah I know the sun is comin' up and ya'll are probably gettin' ready for closin' up

But I'm tryin' to dry my soul I'm tired of this life on a dirt road

And everything that I love is gone and I'm tired of hangin' on

She got me sittin' at a bar on the inside waitin' for my ride on the outside

She stole my heart in the trailer park so i jacked the keys to her Daddy's car

Crashed that Chevrolet and stepped away

And now I'm headed for the penitentiary

See me on tv

The next cop series I am danger

I guess I shoulda' did somethin' 'bout my anger

But I never learned

Real things that don't concern I pour kerosene on everything

I love to watch it burn

You know it's my fault but I wasn't happy it was over

She threw a fit so I crashed that piece of XXXX nova,

Some of the words I can just hear him saying. Especially since one of his nicknames was "Crash". I'd kind of like to go see them, but its at a pretty rough place, and I don't think my husband would want to go. If Westley was here, I'm sure he would, since he would be old enough to get in now. Sometimes I just think I'll lose my mind, and sometimes I think I already have. Going to meet Susan tomorrow for a little shopping and hopefully, liquor. Just a little, but sometimes that helps so much.

[rlolheiser]

good morning all

I guess the first thing to tell you is my daughters boyfriend was arrested.. he beat up his other girlfriend. Sadly..my daughter blames the other girlfriend.. she asked for it.. I am at a loss.. I told her my heart.. I told her that the other girlfriend is just as sick as my daughter... My daughter is upset because I am elated that the man is behind bars again and I pray to God that he stays there this time. I don't know what she expects of me.. I told her.. he is bad news, he is bad for her, their son.. and I also pray she wakes up in time. I am waiting to find out they let him go again seems that some people get by with so much.. Ok.. done ranting.

Coleen, I am sorry to hear about Trevor having problems.. it is a difficult job your doing, and you are not a failure. You have given him support and love when nobody else did. There comes a time that a 17 year old has to make some decisions on thier life and make something for themselves. My 17 year old grandson sounds a lot like Trevor, he has ODD, and he doesn't listen to well to authority figures. I think you do a terrific job, and I hope your bracelets work.. try not to let it get you down.. it took 17 years to make the person he is and now he has to learn a new way of life to become the man he wants to be. Good luck my friend.

Betty, (bet it was a relief to find out your not pregnant).. I hope all the tests were good. I am trying so hard to talk myself into finishing decorating, the kids are on me all the time. Maybe this weekend during the snow storm we will do some more. I told them I would attempt to do Christmas candy, I haven't done that for over 4 years now.

Susannah, so glad you write your morning rambles :-) they are always so nice to read, I close my eyes and feel your words.

Sherry, thank you.. I try so hard to help.. sometimes when I end up arguing with my daughter I wonder if I truly am helping.. I guess only time will tell.

Dee, I love to walk, but seems like I never get out. The ground out here is so uneven I am afraid of turning an ankle.. can't see through the snow :-).. I like talking to nature.. to God.. and be reminded of so many good things.

I think JaBoa is being seen here again. My young grandaughter is continuously talking to us about her. She is talking about the accident again, it worries me because she is talking to my mom about it more. She is reminding mom of things she had forgot maybe it is good I dont' know, I do know I don't want to hush her, it has been a long time coming and I think she needs to get out whatever she wants to share.

Carol, I hope your doing well and safe.

I think about all of you who post and those that don't post so often. Scherry, Kathy Lorri, Rhonda, Crystal, Bonnie, Betsy, Elaine, and all I missed... have a cherished day.

[ericasmom]

Leah, silly me, wrote a nice long one to you and hit other styles for a new font, and lost it. SO simply put, I wish you did not have the heartache on a day in day out basis, I wish that your daughter could change her addiction to this man, make it stop and feel proud of herself for doing so, but men like him are a drug to some, and he pits one against the other adn laughs at their pain, blaming one for needing a different woman. I would love to just slam him in jail for life...but the problem is going to have to be solved within your girl, no matter what happens to him.

I wish I could zap you to a warm tropical place, perhaps with trudi, walk the beach and regain your sense of calm.

Love you,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Hey! Who is using my name, avatar and my Stephanie? Wasn't me that asked about pictures. Says it's me, but it isn't.

[Guest msnher]

Oh. It was me. One year ago. I clicked on the wrong page, obviously. Forget I said anything. There isn't an emoticon for embarrassed.

[ericasmom]

I hope this posts, it is Annie Lennox's newest music in her wonderful heartfelt and always empathetic way, it is her newest Christmas song.

[ericasmom]

Actually, did not know that it would be asking for donations or that it would possibly be on FOX or that show, but Annie has done amazing things with the money she raises on behalf of children and aids research and medicines. I think the song is amazing, AMAZING>

[Chris]

I'm having a major crash tonight. I think my triggers are my whole extended family. I am truely living in the twilight zone.

I was sitting here playing farmville on facebook because it lets me escape for a few minutes the realty of what my life has become. The phone rings & it's my brother. I've been upset with him but I haven't said anything since my son died. Scott has been my person when it comes to someone in my lifetime that I have gone to with things that bother me. He also with me. A few years ago he went through a very nasty divorce. He was so heartbroken when his wife left him, then found out she was leaving him for a teenager that was his oldest sons bestfriend. He was 19 at the time. Scott didn't want to live any more. I would go to his house at what ever hour he called when he was crashing hard. I would stay on the phone all night with him talking to him & letting him pour his heart out to me until he could go to sleep. My heart broke with him while he was going through this. When David was in the hospital his exwife showed up. I didn't care because I was so focused on David that my worst enemy could have walked though that door & I wouldn't have said a thing. I just needed my son to heal, that was all at that moment & time in my life. Scott would get mad that she was around and leave the hospital. He cried and held me once, I think it was at the hospital or it was at the funeral home, things are a little fuzzy but I know he was heartbroken too. Then he went away & has not talked to me since. He lives in the same town as me. He calls here, I answer the phone and he ask to talk to Rick so they can talk sports. My youngest nephew is just one year younger than Aaron so they are on the same teams in football & wrestling. Not once has Scott asked me how I was doing, not once has he just hugged me like he use to do or anything, he has acted like I have the plague like everyone else has done but with him it's different, he's my person. He was suppose to be here for me like I was for him, that's how we work. There have been so many times when I was breaking down so hard I didn't know if I could possibly live through it. I hurt so bad that I didn't want to feel this pain any more but worse off was feeling that I was so alone in this journey. I don't understand it. I know everyone handles grief in their own way but I was feeling like I had really done something wrong. Like maybe I said something in all my grief that I didn't remember and that's why they were all refusing to talk to me.

Then tonight my brother calls, Rick is in bed so Scott starts talking to me about another family members problems. I ask him what it was he wanted to see done to this family member. Somewhere in the conversation I felt my anger building up. I said something about this realitive was not dead so it wasn't final with this realative. Some how that opened the door to talk about what happened to David which was fine with me because I need to talk about it, it's something that eats at me and I only have talked about it a few times & that's been here & then the one therapy session I touched on it because time was short. I don't know what lead me to ask Scott why he hasn't been around for me during this but it came falling out of my mouth. He got defensive and said he had been here for me. I ask him when. He accused me of trying to put guilt on him of trying to blame him for not being around, He started screaming at me. I reminded him that I was there for him, that he was my person and he totally abandon me. He said he's been there for me, that he has been defending me right and left. I ask him what I've done wrong, he said I did nothing wrong so I asked him why he had to defend me. He started yelling at me again of how dare me accuse him of ot being around, he has a job he has to go to. I said he didn't have to baby sit me but him just calling to see how I was doing, to see if I just needed a hug when he was here, to just tell me I was going to get through this & that he was there for me, to not let me go through this alone. I hung up on him because at this point I was crying so hard I couldn't talk. I was crashing so hard, it was like David's death poured through my body to leave me crying like I did the moment he died. Scott called back and I answered, he started yelling again. I ask him why he was doing this to me. Why he was yelling. He said no one wants to talk to me because they don't know what to say. I said so you all would have just left me to die because of that? At this point I hung up and have been crying for 2 hours. I went up and woke Rick up, sobbing I told him what happened and then asked him am I doing something to people, am I taking things wrong because I know my grief can maybe mistake how someone says something. I ask him has Scott called & I talked to him & maybe I just don't remember it because of my grief. I just needed to know was it me so I could be aware of it and stop doing whatever it is I'm doing to people. Rick told me I've done nothing wrong, that I've not talked to anyone so there was no excuse. I think it would have been better had he told me that I was messing up, then I could understand all this.

I was begging David to come back, that I couldn't do this without him, I didn't want to be here any more. I cried until my eyes are swollen.

I just sit and shake my head over & over because I don't know why the closest people to me run away when I need them the most. If I ever know someone that loses a child I will camp at their house to make sure they know they are not alone, that I can't fix it but I can sure let them cry on my shoulder and mourn with them. I guess we all are a special breed. We are all on a island from the rest of humanity.

I'm ok now, I have cried myself into exhaustion but I just needed to type it all out, to get it out of me and let it go. I guess my walls have to be a little taller and a little stronger.

I miss my baby tonight so much, he was my huger and I sure could use those arms wrapped around me right now telling me everything is going to be ok someday.

I LOVE YOU DAVID SCOTT SIMS ALWAYS & FOREVER!!!

Thanks all for letting me pour my heart out. I know you all are the only ones who will understand.

David's mom, Chris

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: there's no emoticon for being embarrassed on this site; that's because we never need to be...we all know the drill...one minute you are on top of what you are doing, and the very next, you could be "dancing with fools" because your brain decided to go on a mini-strike! Besides, I think we all get something out of your "morning ramblings." Ramblings tend to take us to places in our hearts where we don't usually go, so they are beneficial in the sharing, and in the place they hold in the heart of the writer. Like Rhonda, I too am glad that you have found a measure of peace these last few days, and I pray that it continues to envelope you.

Hey everybody, thinking of all of you...had a couple of bad days...then had a meltdown at the mall tonight--- and I was only there for 20 minutes...picking up a present for Cathi, and for some weird reason I just lost it. The saleslady was very understanding, but still...the heart was dying inside, yet again. This is the mall where Mike worked for five years, part time...took me over two years just to be able to drive into the parking lot. I am no t much of a "mall person" but saw this wonderful bed outfit for Cathi and knew she would love it. Kind of Moroccan colors...when I got there, they had ONE left. Dee wrote: hope for our Angels to bestow upon all of us, a message of some sort, whether it be a vision, a coin, a song, or perhaps a little pink finger ring, with a green heart in the middle...Took Damon to supper at the pizza place, and Sarah was shopping at the ToysRUs across the street, so at the last minute, she called and said she would meet us at the pizza place. While we were waiting for her, Damon wanted to drop a quarter in the "impulse machines" by the door...the very first thing to come out? a stretch finger band, about one inch wide, pink, with a big green HEART right in the middle! Just as Sarah walked in the door. Pink is Sarah's favorite color. Damon gave it to her and after wearing it on her finger for a bit, she twisted it onto her key ring. Tears fell inside, but the love of the moment gave strength for a smile to form on my lips. Thanks Mike. You rescued the night for me. And thanks, Dee, for the prayer spoken in your heart, and the sharing of the song. When you open this picture, you will see why I associate "hearts" with Damon...

Dee: I hope report cards are done and you have a chance to rest up this weekend. I think there is snow headed for your area, but I may be off by a few hundred miles...

Leah: I am so very, very sorry that you are having to deal with all of this...I don't know what to say...other than to tell you that you are giving so much of yourself, please be careful and allow something for YOU. I know that it is difficult...life truly does "get in the way," but it is kind of like why they tell parents in an airplane "In case of an emergency and the oxygen masks fall, put yours on first, then tend to your child." Holding you close in prayer.

Colleen: Oh my, I wish so much you weren't having to go through this. It does seem as if Trevor is "testing the limits" of his new family...I so hope that he wakes up before it is too late and realizes that he finally has people who love him and care about his future. Prayers for you, too, my friend.

Rhonda: I hope you have a good meeting with Susan...I am sorry that you have the loss of a child in common, but it is nice that you are able to share your hearts.

Sherry: We had mourning doves at our old house...10 of them. We didn't realize that they hung around during the winter, too, until one day we were having a really wild nor'easter snow storm, and I was taking pics out the back door window, and I saw them all huddled together, in twos, on the branches of the tree right by our deck. It was so awesome. Windy as heck, snow blowing like crazy in every direction, but they never moved.

Betty: Thinking of you and sending good thoughts to you.

Bonnie: How is everything going at your house? Is Dano still with you...if so, is he getting excited about Christmas? I hope all is well with everyone.

Betsy: I am so sorry you all are having to deal with the creep who is stealing the farm equipment. Hoping they catch him soon and stop this unfair fear being imposed upon you and your aunt.

Tomorrow, we are supposed to be having some warmer weather (this morning it was 4 degrees!), up near 40, so we will go and get our tree. I also will get the wreath to decorate for Mike's memorial site, like we did last year. I will gear myself up for this...my emotions are playing havoc with me all this week, don't know why. Many things happened in Virgina to cause me some anxiety, but will talk about that later. I will try to post some pics tomorrow of some of the good things...holding my granddaughters close, is of course, a huge part of the "good things." I wasn't able to "hold" Kim very close...she was sick the whole time we were there, though was able to spend Sunday evening with us.

Sleep well, all my fellow indigos...odd thing to say at 12:50 am, but my lights don't usually go out til there is am after the time, well into the am most times.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Chris: You and I must hav eposted at the same time...I am so sorry you had this terrible event happen tonight with Scott...it is very hard to understand why people can't just say "I'm here, just here." It would mean so very much. Sending out hugs and prayers to and for you, Chris, holding you close in spirit. Wishing I could help, but I, like others, can only listen, and I am glad you are here to be able to vent.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

To all - In the middle of a long weekend of 'family commitments'. Step grandsons birthday party today, Jeya's tomorrow. Had Jeya overnight last night. Such an unblemished love that comes from the young, energy to a depleted soul.

I have been 'snapshoting' the DVD of Mike taken in November 06. He and Amanda did a promotional DVD for a scholarship fund. It was 6 weeks before he died.. I will attempt some posting here. For those here we all know the life we once knew has gone forever. I was searching through my docs reading things I saved from my early days here. I thought I would share this with you all as I believe it applies to everyone.

What is Normal after your child dies?

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, X-mas, New Years, Valentine's Day, any day.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything anymore.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving the accident continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every child who looks like or is my child’s age. And then thinking of the age she would be now. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with

sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were

an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in

someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, yet realizing it has

become a part of your "normal."

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honour your child’s memory their birthdays and survive these days. Trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special she would have loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child. Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares. NOTHING.

Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare.

Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because you know your mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing you do cry every day.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone except someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God.

"God may have done this because?"

I would like to believe that my child is in "heaven," but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why a fantastic young woman was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my child is dead.

And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed the dead child.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.

Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, not in a day nor a million years.

Normal is having therapists agree with you that you will never "really" get over the pain and that there is nothing they can do to help you because they know only bringing back your child back could possibly make it "better."

Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You've learnt it's easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and it's probably never going to get any better -- ever.

And last of all...Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to

feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."

[rlolheiser]

Carol, wow.. wow.. no words for your post except wow... guess I am normal.. I hope your time with the grandies is great.. I think of you often.

Chris, I hold you tight in spirt, I remember the lonliness of the special people in life that won't talk to you about the pain, it is still that way for me. I guess some people don't handle being there through the pain, and sadly it changes life as we know it.

well, everybody is up invading my silence, guess I will try this again later.

[aim630]

Trudi-wow, I could have written those words myself, except not as well. Thanks for sharing. I would like to post it where everyone I know would see it.

Overwhelmed at the mess surrounding me. I need to get something done so we have room for a tree.

[Guest msnher]

I only have a few moments right now. I have to go back and finish reading. I just want to send a huge hug out to Chris! The only thing I can come up with about your family is they really don't get it. Thank God you have us and we have you!

What happened with the brain mix up is this. I have saved all my posts since my first post. For some reason, last night, I clicked on one of those posts instead of the site. What I read was a lot of you answering "Susannah's" questions. What? I didn't ask any questions. When I scrolled down I found the picture of Stephanie and all my data and there it was. A question about posting pictures.

I thought I was the victim of identity theft on Beyond Indigo. A million thoughts went through my mind. "Why would someone want to be me on this site?" "Maybe they don't know they're posting as me." "Someone stealing my identidy on a grief support site is just plain weird....almost like the church picketing Elizabeth Edwards funeral....what's the point."

As I tried to reason it out I began to get a little angry that someone would use my Stephanie's face as their avatar. "She's my daughter!" "I'm okay with someone wanting to hide their identity. Okay. Stealing mine is rather odd..........but, don't pretend to be my daughter's mother!"

Well, then I posted to y'all.

Then, I read the date of the post I was in such a state of panic over.

Then, I was quite embarrassed.

Now. It's funny as hell!!

I'll be back.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - That is powerful! May I share it with a friend? Quite honestly, I would love to see it published. It speaks of exactly what it's like. I especially love the line about not listening to people make excuses for God. Well done, Trudi. Unfortunately it is written from a deep knowing. It is written from raw pain. I'm so sorry for that. With your permission, I would like to share it.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I feel it is important for me to check in each morning and get my Indigos inspiration before I go our and try to function.

Trudi Loved the new pictures and am so glad that you are able to copy them from the video I agree I have felt all that you listed and appreciate your talent in listing them so eloquently Your words are powerful, wise and oh so compassionate- Thanks

Sus your spontaneity is refreshing I loved the share about your Grandies asking why they did not get any drinks with dinner. Cannot remember your response but when you said they just "Looked at each other" I remember doing that with my sisters when my mom did stuff we thought was Off" Great re memory Thanks

Leah I am so sorry that daughter is still attached to that man Glad that the law has caught up with him and pray that some wisdom will direct your daughter to listen Loved your comment about Maternity cloths

Rhonda I hear you about the music that Westley loved and the concert he would have wanted to attend. I think I would try to talk hubby into going It, no doubt would warm your heart. I sometimes sit here and listen to Bruce Springsteen, He was Stephen's favorite artist and I feel so close to him with the old warm safe feeling returning for a short time

Carol I am glad to see you back safe and with such touching events to share. Such a precious picture

Chris I am so glad you have found BI

Colleen Holding you and your family in prayers.

It is Saturday and I am going to try to relax. Get a hair cut, Fed my little squirrel, walk to see the Christmas decorations and lights. Hope I make it

Betsy, Karen, Sherry, Bonnie, Crystal,Dee, and all Indigos please try to have a restful day,

[ericasmom]

Hi Carol, how good it is to see you today. Thanks for the heart-shaped beauty of Damon, his sweet face a sign of your Boy's love and foreverness imprinted in this way. He is after all, always watching over his family. I am sorry that you had a meltdown, they are inevitable and belong to no schedule. They always occur in some inescapable time and space and we then either share our heart's woe or we move on in a hurry. I think sometimes sharing our ache is a way to also make a difference in some folks' lives. Sometimes our stories go home with strangers and open stores of empathy for those in their lives that may need a warm hug. I am with you Sister, in and out of the days that find us living in the light of our Babies, and some days, finding it hard to find the light.

Chris, you and your Brother will probably find your way back to one another, I hope so anyhow. Remember you said you could not remember where that hug was? Hospital or Funeral Home, I have fuzzy moments or completely lost moments too. Maybe you and Scott can sit somewhere today or tomorrow, over tea or coffee and ask him to tell you how he has seen this time. Maybe some of it is also very fuzzy for him, forgetting how he maybe has not reached out due to his own pain? and maybe you and he can find out that in all of the sadness, there remains the bond of Brother and Sister. I am praying for a better day today for you Chris.

Trudi, thanks for the NORMAL list, it is all so right-on. Normal takes on a new color, one never produced in a box of crayons or paints. It is specific to the person we lost. I pray that the lovliness of the Grandies spills over into your days as warmth and beauty. I know how lucky those kids are to have you. I know how lucky I am to know you.

[mikesmum]

Today is Miss Jeya's 4th birthday party, tomorrow she will turn 4. Christmas 4ys ago was very very different. Kelly and Steven had their brand new baby girl, Micheal's girl was one.

The words on normal aren't written by me. Given I copied them back in the days of the abyss I can't tell who wrote them or where I got them, I just know they fit.

Trudi

[ericasmom]

I do remember the normal list from many years ago, when we first met here...it still holds all the truths now. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS JEYA, may it be so much fun being 4.

Have fun with everyone Trudi, hope the weather is lovely.

It is raining hard here, cold rain, icy rain later today, then tomorrow, the promise of huge winds and plummeting temps. and snow. Should be difficult at best to wander around, we have a wake at 3:00, Uncle Brian's wife Serina. Uncle Brian, (JOhn's uncle) is one of those men we all should have as an uncle, a charming loving man. He and Serina were married and she lost her battle with lung cancer. Her wake is tomorrow as is the engagement diner for Jonathan and Shannon tomorrow evening. We will attend both.

[ericasmom]

What happened to the chat page? I have gone there to see if anyone was there two or three days now and find it is down, error page came up.

So Leah, has the storm snowed you in? What about you Colleen? Sus? Elaine? I hear a foot fell today in Minneapolis. The rain keeps poring down here, and when the temps drop, it should be slick as can be.

Be careful everyone.

[kmb22]

Edit

[kmb22]

Forgot one other thing...

Just wanted to remind everyone of the Worldwide Candle Lighting this Sunday night at 7pm. Here's the link for the info.:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/News_Events/Worldwide_Candle_Lighting.aspx

[daveydow1]

Trudi------Thanks for the 'Normal' writing. They certainly are true. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LITTLE JEYA. 4 is such a

wondrous age !

Carol----Yes, those doves seem to be very tough when they need to be due to bad weather. We had lots of them

out there this a.m.-----eating bread crumbs and seed.

Colleen-----I'm so sorry to hear that Trevor is sliding a bit, and not doing his share of chores etc., and getting into

scrapes at school. I have had no experience in this area, but found Dee's description of how the situations like

this can start off well, then slide downhill some. Sending prayers that things can get turned around and you

all can make some positive headway. Peace to you, friend.

Dee---- YAY-----the kids got to go outside for recess. That must have helped a good bit with their restlessness. I

think it is so nice that your class is taking part in a project for giving for Christmas to the less fortunate, and that

they are asked to tell how they feel about it. Very important. I think that just expressing themselves about how they

feel makes them more aware of others and the hardships they may be having, and a sense that the students are

helping someone. I held our family Christmas tea here at my house today, and it went well. I was sick during the

night so didn't get much sleep, so an early bedtime for me tonight.

I want to thank the person who posted the poem 'ALWAYS REMEMBERED' a couple weeks ago......I'm sorry, my memory

is not going to serve me as to who posted it. After saying grace at my Christmas tea today, I read that poem to my family.

Of course I didn't get through it without tears and choked up voice, but I did get through. They all had tears too. I had read

it to my husband, and he said that this poem was the only poem that 'spoke' to him about Davey.......being very spiritual,

and written as if spoken by Davey himself. So, to whoever posted it..... Thanks again for the poem.

Well, Indigoes.........I'm tired and have a headache, so off to bed I am going. Peace and restful sleep to all.

davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Things never go to plan do they. 8.30am this morning a call from youngest son Steven. Jeya has an erosion on her eye, a condition she shares with her mum. She is in the Royal Melbouren Eye and Ear clinic as we speak. Zak is here with me. The BBQ day has been cancelled. She is such a strong little mite. These erosions are so painful and yet there is barely a squeak out of her. She had to keep her eyes closed to prevent further damage, but opened and 'felt' her presents. Will be over there for dinner tonight if they get back tonight....I will let her know of the HAPPY BIRTHDAY'S.....Thank you all.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's -

Chris - "People don't want to talk to you because they don't know what to say" - I am sorry but what a line of bull****, I am so tired of people saying that I could just scream...and what makes it worse is that now you are trying to "figure out what you are doing wrong" - ABSOLUTELY NOTHING !!! You have lost your son...period....and if your family and friends cannot be there for you then shame on them....it is easier to make excuses, stay away, do not call then it is for them to "just be there". WHY do we have to question our behavior, our thoughts, our everything ?? I am really sorry about your brother behaving the way he is and I sure wish he was able to be there for you as you were for him but please do not blame yourself - you are grieving my friend and no one has the right to yell at you about anything...Hugs

Trudi - I love "the normal" - so very true...will print that one out. I am sorry about little Jeya....sounds like a wonderful little girl though and very strong...Happy Birthday to her, sweet 4 year old....seems as though Tavian was just that age.

I absolutely love our house, everything is coming together so great...I took a break today as it was actually nice outside and we worked in the yard...felt good. Tavian and Barry put the Christmas decorations up outside, a reindeer and 2 spiral trees...made Tavian happy and that makes us happy. I have emptied all but 2 boxes , curtains up in the livingroom and Tavian's room but still deciding on our bedroom. Am making curtains for Barry's office. Everything just feels right here, like I have come home (weird??) I just know this move was meant to be and we are all happy, warm and grateful.....now if my Jessica was here life would be perfect....how I miss that girl, that smile that lit up the room, the craziness, the hugs - oh damn it I just miss everything....

I miss coming here every day but hope I can get back to it soon,,,,I miss so many posts and have a hard time catching up but it is ok as I know you are all here whenever I need you.....Love, peace and strength, Kathy

[lolynbo]

IM HERE ..JUST DONT HAVE MUCH TO SAY...TRYING TO KEEP MY CHIN (S) UP....HARLEIGH IS STAYN THE NIGHT AND WE ARE WiiN AND SHE AVERY GOOD BOWLER...SHES BEATING MONTY AND HES NOT HAPPY SHES 6...TODAY WE WENT GOLFING IN THE COLD BUT IT WASNT TOO BAD..MONTY ME AND KODY AND WE REALLY HAD A GOOD TIME...($120) BUT IT WAS FUN...KODY TRIED TO RACE THE GOLF CARTS....THEN WE WENT TO BRAUMS HAD ICECREAM AND SOME FOODS...JUST TRYING TO STAY BIZZY AND MY MIND OCCUPIED...

AS YOU KNOW WE WILL DO THE CANDLE LIGHTING TOM NIGHT...MONTY MADE ANOTHER AWESOME PIC FOR ME TO TAKE ON THE STAGE...MISSN MY GIRL AS YOU ALL ARE MISSING YOUR CHILDREN....FOR SOME REASON I HAVE NOT CRIED FRO ABOUT A WEEK....GUESS IM SAVING UP FOR THE BIG ONE...

POSTING A PIC OF HARLEIGH BOWLING IN HER PJS..OH AND I SAW THE GUY AT WALMART THAT HIS 23 YR OLD DAUGHTER JUST DIED...I BARELY GOT OUT A "HI"....I DIDNT NO WHAT TO SAY, THEN I REALIZED I SHOULD HAVE INVITED HIM TO CANDLE LIGHTING BUT FORGOT...I SOOOO REMEMBER THE NEW FRESH STEPS....WHICH ARE SOOO STILL NEW TO EVEN ME

[ericasmom]

I am up late but on my way to bed. Karen, one day the light will shine and warm you, I know it seems a longshot now, but I promise. It is the one thing in this world that I do promise. Oh did you age yourself? I know the words to that song too. Born in 1956 and as my students say, Wow that is old like my Grandmom. I was in on that conversation about theRabbit Hole, having seen the play downtown Chicago a few years ago. Heavy stuff. I am glad that our kinds of stories play out on screens and stages so others may glimpse a moment of our pain and perhaps think a bit before saying or doing things that leave us cold. PS, thanks for the candlelighting site. I will be out but I happen to know that there are candles on the tables. Blessings to all of our aching hearts adn lit candles.

Sherry, get better, glad you had the family, so happy that you read that meaningful poem, and that your husband also felt the strength of those words. Now sleep until that germ leaves your body.

Lor, so funny that Monty was not happy about a six year old winning at golf. when the tears come, they will simply be the love pouring down your face.

Trudi, prayers for Jeya's eyes to heal and for her to enjoy her birthday tomorrow.

Kath, glad that the days are starting to mellow out at the new place.

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: Yes, we here are all living proof that "things don't always go as planned." I am so sorry to hear about sweet Jeya...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, LITTLE BEAUTY...if I could, I would wrap your sweet little 4 year old self in all of our arms to keep all these terrible things away from you...but Granma's arms (and mommy and daddy's) will have to do, sweetie. Trud, I hope that Jeya is doing better tomorrow and is able to celebrate her birthday. Tomorrow (Sunday) is Damon's birthday also. I find it truly difficult to wrap my mind around his being 6...

Lorri: Holding you close as you go through these days that bring such heartbreaking memories to you. I am glad you all were able to have fun with the golfing and ice cream (brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)...sometimes being silly and happy can help a lot.

Sherry: It was me who posted the "Always Remembered" poem...but it originally came from Bonnie...truly heart-soothing words, and a truly wonderful idea to bring our children into our day and "out there" for people to acknowledge. Thank you again, Bonnie. Sherry, so glad that your family was there and acknowledged your loss and grief.

Dee: I heard about that terrible weather that is headed your way...we are getting some rain and snow, but nothing predicted like what is heading your way---stay safe, and warm. And thank you for your comforting words. I just can't seem to keep it together very long these days...why now? This is the fifth Christmas without Mike, and it feels almost more intense than the first. I know that Mike is with us, signs are all around, but my heart is weighed down by that "I want to see him now" feeling and the least little trigger brings the tears. We took the boys with us tonight to get the Christmas tree...I did okay, til I had to pick up the wreath for us to decorate for Mike's memorial site. Trembling while I placed it on the counter to pay, I think I held my breath til I was back in the car. We then took them to Friendly's for dinner...we were seated at the same table where Mike was with us his last time there...I tried to help myself to see the bittersweet reminders as gifts...it worked for the most part and we wound up having a good time. When we got home, I climbed up to get the tree down as the boys waited for me to pass it down to them. I cut the twine that the sales clerk had fastened the tree down with, and it "sprung up" and away from me. I reached over to grab it and saw this:

My heart is being held ever so gently through all of this, I know...and I am ever so thankful---I just wish I could keep that in the forefront of my mind when I feel those tears spilling over.

Betsy: I hope that the person who has been giving you and your aunt trouble (stealing) has not returned. Did you call the police? Do you live out in an isolated area?

Kathy: I am so very happy for you that you are loving your new place. You have worked so hard...down to TWO boxes?! WOW! I should have had you here with me when we moved! I know that Tavian is enjoying his extra room, also. Jessica is so very proud of you, mom!

Karen: Thanks so much for your reminder of the candlelighting for tonight...they don't have one here locally, so we just light one here at the house. I didn't have it on my calendar, though, and likely would have overlooked it. Thanks for the introspect on The Rabbit Hole; I had planned on looking into it and perhaps going to see it.

Sus: thank you, too, for your morning greetings, and for your introspective posts...they are always enlightening, and it is always comforting to know that our doubts and needs for reassurance are a normal part of this journey. I spent my life firmly convinced and very thankful that God was in my corner, but the rude awakening that hit me when I heard my son's last breath did bring up many questions and though the answers still haven't come, I do tend to follow Karen's words of "blaming is believing." I hadn't gotten to the point of actual "blame" for what happened, more along the lines of "why didn't You stop it when You could have stopped it?" Of course, as I've mentioned before, I had a sense ever since Mike was only 5 years old that I would outlive Mike, and so I think that some of my doubts were held at bay by that...sort of a sense of "I knew it was coming" and telling myself there was an element of comfort in the fact that he didn't suffer endlessly, that he had that last 17 months to be more aware, more mindful of his days and moments with his loved ones... and he was definitely the type to take advantage of that, and he did.

Chris: Praying for you and your brother to come to a meeting of the minds, for him to find a way to reach out to you and keep that udnerstanding going between you. I think it is even more painful when it is our family who let us down, especially when they had been there for us before, or when we had been there for them.

Colleen: I hope that things have been a little more quiet on the home front this weekend...at least providing you with some peaceful hours at some point. I hope that Trevor comes to realize that he has been given a wonderful gift, and that he will respond to it in a more positive way.

Leah: Sending love and wishes for peaceful moments to you, dear lady. You are faced with so much, and yet you continue every day...hoping for a turn in the road that will show some sun. I hope that for you, also.

Betty: I am always glad to see you "checking in" in the mornings...it is nice to see your STephen's beautiful smile when I open the site, and to read your posts. Hearing you tell of what you day is going to entail makes it seem almost as though I am next door to you and we are having tea before you set out.

Well, I am actually feeling my eyelids growing heavy...perchance the opportunity to sleep? I will close, and try.

sending love and peace to all, my indigo friends---those I mentioned and those I haven't...you are all in my thoughts and prayers, every day.

love to you all,

carol mikesmomrs

[aim630]

Can't sleep as usual...but wanted to share something that happened today. Katie and I volunteered again at the Salvation Army tree today, and were busy the whole time-we label the gifts for the children & bag them into one bag for the parents to pick up. A gentleman walked up to us, and asked if we were trustworthy, then proceeded to pull 3 $100 bills from his wallet, and told me to pick some things out for some children off the tree. I, of course, start crying, and could barely say thank you (this happens a lot lately). He said his son was a Marine in Afghanistan and they had done this when he was a child.

Katie & I picked 4 different children, and after our shift was over, went on a shopping spree to Walmart. We bought the children the toys they asked for, as well as one outfit each, and spent exactly $296.79 (we put the change in the Salvation Army kettle as we were walking out of the store). Although this is a bittersweet time of year for all of us, it brought me great joy to hope I was making someone else's Christmas more enjoyable.

Ashley's boyfriend's mother sent me a Christmas card, and said they had bought an ornament with Ashley's name & would hang it on their tree every year. Ashley had only date Matt for 3 months before she got sick. He spent hours in her hospital room, much of it while Ashley was in a coma, and didn't even know he was there. He is still having a hard time, and just recently went to a bereavement group. I don't know if they would have stayed together, but I am glad she found him in her last few months. Her previous boyfriend was no prize.

I wish I could comment on what everyone else has written, but it's 3 AM, I should attempt to sleep. Just know that I feel an understanding here that I feel nowhere else, and I probably would have completely lost my mind if I was not able to come here and read.

Goodnight,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

The snow storm most of you got just spit at us. The wind blew it right over us...to you.... I hope you all stay safe and warm!

Gary and I had a wonderful evening together. The kids are spending the night at my son and daughter in law's tonight so Gary and I could go to his work Christmas party. We enjoyed good company, played games and danced. Completely different experience than last year's party which was just 4 months after Steph died.

"God, thank you for making me laugh again. But God, Please don't ever let me forget I cried."

Peace to all of you,

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

just checking in.. not up to posting a bunch..

The storm spit about an inch of snow on us.. nothing much.. but it is cold. I am feeling a bit under the weather, I hate feeling sick. My head is hurting so bad.. been popping asprin but it isn't even touching it.

love to all and their angels