Loss of an Adult Child

[ddefrain]

Holidays are very difficult. I can feel the ramp up of emotions weeks before the actual holiday. Last year was our first round of holidays without our son. Usually my parents would come from North Carolina for 10 days for Thanksgiving (been doing that 10 yrs) and my dad and our son would watch football all week long. Then Christmas was always at our home and we always went all out and Loren was there for every one. So last year, we spent Thanksgiving at my parent's home in North Carolina, and for Christmas, we left several days before hand and spent 2 weeks skiing in California. We did things last year that were completely out of the norm because we both felt that to attempt to treat the holidays business as usual was going to be an excersize in pain and futility. This year, we had my parents here again for Thanksgiving. It was a big mistake!! My husband and I were just trying to get through it as were my parents. Everything was a chore and an effort. My husband and I both felt like we were holding our breath for 10 days!! My grandchildren, 4 & 7 are staying with us now through January while my oldest son and his wife relocate from Naples Italy to Ohio so we are going to be forced to acknowledge Christmas for the sake of our young grandchildren. Instead of putting up a tree in the main living area, we bought a small 4ft tree and put it up in the children's play room and allowed them to decorate it. I also did not bring down any of my traditional decorations. The last time I saw my son in motion and speaking was on Christmas day of 2008. We left for a ski trip to Taos New Mexico the day after Christmas and we were to return on January 2nd. My son was in the accident that took his life on New Years eve. And I just remember walking through my house the day after our son was pronounced dead and taking down christmas decorations in an effort to get ready for all of the people that would be arriving from all over the US for our son's funeral. So, instead this year, I bought a bunch of poinsettas and put them all around our home and that is the extent of my decorating this year. I guess my point being is that you have to find what works for you during the holidays. We are finding by trial and error that our traditions will have to change and we are going to have to create new traditions. His absence is glaringly obvious. For us, we have found that leaving for the holidays helps to soften the pain a bit. I use to be quite the entertainment hostess, going all out with our dinners and get togethers for the holidays, people expect the same level of performance, and I guess the more sadistic reality is that I still had that expectation of myself and have realized that I am not that person any more and am completely incapable of performing to that level. Early on in our loss, I came to this web site and read the postings. I was too new in my grief then to understand what BI friends meant by "be kind to yourself" I do know what that means today!!

[ddefrain]

One more thing that I need to add. To all the parents on this site, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful children. While I did not post often last year, I came to the site everyday and read your postings. It helped me get through many dark days and to realize that I was not alone and that my husband and I were not losing our minds. It helped us to better understand where we were in the grief process as well as to help prepare us for what was coming at us down the road by reading posts of members that are years into this journey. Thank you all!!

Debra (Loren's Mom)

[rlolheiser]

good morning all,

I have been reading posts and thinking. My heart breaks for all the newcomers to this site, and to all that have been here for a long time. The holidays are tough. Heck, everyday is tough. I went through 3 holidays without BI and they were torture, and this last year has been tough.. but so much nicer because I have somebody to yell to, to cry to, to laugh with (even though laughs are few and far between for me).. My first holiday without JaBoa was without my father too.. That hurt so bad, but in bittersweet thoughts, I always figured my dad left early to be there when my baby left this world. He was there to spend her first Halloween.. Thanksgiving.. Christmas..

I want to be brave and strong, but sometimes I just want to break down and give up. Since I know I can't I carry on. Life is so different, sometimes I feel guilty because this isn't my daughter we have lost, but my grandchild. I watch how my daughter fell apart with this loss, and since she moved in here I see nothing but pain in her eyes. I try to make new memories for her, try to share my love for her daughter, try to make her see her daughter in the children that remain. I am hitting my head against the wall, she is mentally ill, and I can't make her see life for what it is.. she fights her depression.. her sadness.. her illness.. and the only thing she seems to want in life is her boyfriend that is not allowed to be around her or her children anymore. I wish I could convince her to come here.. at least to read but so far she refuses.

I don't know what I am writing today.. just feeling compelled to write.. I know all of you have justified me hurting for my grandaughter.. and God knows I thank you all for listening to me. I hope I never say anything out of line especially for all the dear new parents suffering their losses. I wish there was something that could be said or done to make your paths easier, it is a hard road your walking.. and when we feel alone remember our angels are with us. I talk to my girl all the time, I imagine if somebody was watching me they would send the men with the white coats because she is like an angel in my pocket.. with me always and I talk to her about everything. Mostly I cry.. and I used to think i shouldn't but when I am alone with her I can cry and she doesn't stop me. She lets me get it out of my system so I can confront the days.

I also figured out that I need to listen.. sometimes God speaks to us in unexpected ways.. and I need to quit being proud.. need to take the words and treasure them.. need to be thankful for what he sends me

Sorry.. this probably doesn't make a lot of sense.. but I get that way.. just wanted to talk .. and your all kind enough to listen.. thank you..hugs

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dan What a beautiful memorial Your wife and you are extremely talented. Nick, Aaron and Grandma how special for Christmas!!

Debra It is wonderful to see you are posting again I know the first year after the loss of Stephen I did not post or connect. As you pointed out I too was too new to understand. I found that I did not really have a choice in changing the Holiday Traditions as with you and your son, Loren, my Holidays centered around celebrating with Stephen and all that encompassed. I know it will never be the same but I am oh so grateful for the many wonderful Holiday memories that I cherish. Being Kind and Gentle with ourselves is what BI is all about and I find it here each time I sign on.

Dee I am sure Third Graders are more of a handful this time of year . I know you will make their school Holiday special

Sus, as Dee pointed out , you went from being a newly wed to the grief of loosing your of you beautiful daughter and the guardian of 3 lovely, lively, little ones. Living with that loss and keeping up with the everyday stuff that these babies require is a great deal of you, and you and hubby are dong it !!!! Hats off to you both.

Sherry It is cold here but no snow I am sure the deer are finding some stuff to nibble near your home My little squirrel is still going strong!!.

Rhonda and Karen I hear your pain and really understand I agree Shawn should have been celebrating his wedding anniversary and Westley should be here wearing his stocking hat. It is so very difficutl to accept but coming here really lightens my heart.

I too thought I could handle everything and did. My only demand of God was that Stephen be safe and happy and have a long life. I had an early premonition about his passing when he was little and each day I would pray for his long life. He did not get that long life but he did get his heat's desire For that I am grateful

Trudi I am really envious of you at the beach Hope you and MD enjoy the sun

Chris , Leah, Betsy Colleen, Kathy and all Indigos thinking of you today. Have a Blessed Day

[Guest msnher]

"Blaming is still believing." Wow, Karen! I don't know if you know what a gifted writer you are, but you are (gifted)!

I love you all so much. I am so grateful we have been drawn to each other. Debra, if memory serves me correctly, I noticed you have been on BI for quite some time with very few posts. Bless you for "coming out of the wood work (so to speak)" to share your experience with us. Obviously, you have helped more than just me.

I wonder how many more are reading, but not sharing....which, is okay of course. I just want to send a wave to all of you in case you're there.

I am blessed by all of your words. Each and every one of you help me grow. I wish I could meet you all face to face.

I've had another "epiphany". I put epiphany in quotations because it might have just been a dream....and I've noticed my epiphany's don't KEEP me out of that dark place for very long. I feel like Scrooge the day he wakes up from his visits and realizes it's Christmas and he's still alive. Like I said, I'm not putting a lot of stock in it because I might fall on my face tomorrow. Hell. I might fall on my face in two minutes. But, right now, this very minute, I am in a good place. Maybe a pretend place. Maybe I'm Alice down the rabbit hole. But, I'll take it for how ever long it lasts.

One more day with Stephanie???

It's not the same as it was when you first asked, Greg. If I could have one day with Stephanie, now....I would want her to tell me all about it...the death experience, the non physical experience.......who she has met, where she can go, what she can do. I would ask her to tell me how to live in constant faith without wavering. I would ask her what it feels like to be in the presence of pure love. And, I would ask her to help me not to forget again.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Oops. Gary and I were just visiting about my dream and I didn't "send" my post. I see several have posted while I waited. I'll catch up later....Love again!

[westleysmom]

Leah-You are one of us. You have lost just as we have lost a most beloved part of your world, your heart, your life. You could never say anything that would be "out of line" any more than any of the rest of us. You have so much to deal with and you are in my thoughts every day. I'm so sorry for the pain that your daughter's actions continue to inflict on you and am so sorry that she hasn't been able to come here to let her own pain out. It is so hard to let people know how much we hurt, it makes us vulnerable and fragile, and she is already both.

Trying to be brave and strong alternating with wanting to give up sounds just like me. Its a rollercoaster ride at a horror amusement park, something out of a Stephen King novel, this ride through grief. Everything you said makes sense to me.

Betty I think that we are not different from other parents, except that their "demands" so far of God have been granted and ours were for a while and then were not. I struggle every day with feeling that God must not love me anymore, if He ever did, or He would not have allowed this to happen. My faith has been weighed and found wanting, at least so far.

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

It is 16 degrees out this morning - BURRRR

Scott and I did a little Christmas Shopping last night. We have not done that in a long time.

Thinking of all my friends today - Especially the newbies where this is your first Christmas. The physical pain I felt during that time cannot be put into words. I felt like a trapped animal who had to get out of this place. Nothing was normal - nothing as it should be.

If there is one thing I have learned through this grief process, it is that I cannot plan too much into the future. If I expect an event to go a certain way - I will be disappointed. I need to go in with little expectations and be suprised. I was never like that - I planned myself into a corner, but now - That causes too much stress.

Many ways our lives have changed.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

Leah- I mostly cry throughout the day, every day missing my daughter Ashlee. I’m sure God has tried on numerous occasions to silence me so I could hear him whisper to me I am here and Ashlee is with me.

There are days I’m mad at him as I try not to waver from his presence. I prayed every night and continue to ask that he protect my children and keep them safe! What happened, why would he allow such an awful thing to happen to my baby’s life…..?

Dan- I loved your wife’s tribute to the family members that have passed.

It is cold in SW Florida I woke to a temperature of 38 degrees seems like New England weather. I dread putting up a Christmas tree this weekend I so wont to sleep through the holiday.

Thinking of all of you and how blessed I am that I have a place to land when I can’t breathe or stand anymore.

[mikesmomrs]

Hey eveeryone...just checking in to say hello...we r on our way home today...will stay in dover deleware tonite...home tomorrow. Had a good visit overall...tears and memories...smiles and laughs...took girls out and bought their Christmas presents...they were so excited..that was fun for us as well...been reading here everyday but difficult to post on this eensy weensy keyboard....keeping u all in my prayers every day as usual, tho. Will post pics when we r home....love to all. Carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, have a good drive back. HOpe it has been restful.

Leah, you are mourning the life you love, it is not different...plus you are in constant worry of your Daughter's life. I'd say you know more than your share of grief.

[Chris]

I'm totally losing it. My mom has stayed with us since we bought our house. I've tried for the past 3 years to get her to quit enabling my niece that is a sever drug addict. I kept telling her that Sarah was going to die if she kept giving her money, baby sitting for her every single day, etc. Mom would just come right out and ask Sarah if she was on drugs, of course Sarah would say No Grandma, they just all hate me. Mom would believe her and hand her another hundred to buy her drugs. Instead of Sarah dying that night it was my son, then Sarah just stood there and watched him, no helping him, no calling for help, nothing, she just calmly walked out the door, waited about 30 minutes, called her dealer to dispose of his body. She wasn't counting on his will to live to be so strong when the hospital revived him. David made the choice along with her to do the drug that night but once he fell out she made the choice to let him die to protect her addiction. She never cried, never saw the wrong, it was an "oh well" thing for her. Now mom is back to enabling her again, Sarah went to one week of rehab and declared she didn't need it. Mom believes her. Now mom is moving out to go live with Sarah because that will make everything all better again. WHAT??? She's lost her mind. Mom won't even speak to me at all. She hasn't since before Thanksgiving. I'm just dumbfounded by all this. My son dies and she turns her back on me. My brother died when I was 5 & he was 7. Mom knows what I am going through and yet there she is. Tonight she had my nephew call here to tell Rick that they would be coming after her dresser on Thursday because they knew we would be out of town. I know she is planning on bringing Sarah with her to my house to get her stuff. I do not want that "bleep" in my home. She killed my son. I am trying so hard to hold rage in because I don't want to be that person but I am living in the twilight zone and things are spinning out of the control. I am so broken over David's death, so hurt by my family and so angry at Sarah that I feel like this ticking time bomb. Tonight when my nephew called to tell Rick they were coming Thursday I cranked the music up so I didn't have to hear their conversation. I had a feeling that's what it was but hearing it just makes it hurt more. I couldn't help myself when he got off the phone from asking him what that was about. He told me & I yelled at him that it's not Zach's place to take care of mom's business. If mom is moving out then she can tell me instead of hiding from me, burying her head in the sand like she always does. Rick ignored me and told them all to come on Thursday. I was so angry when he went against my wishes knowing that Sarah was going to come too. Do they all not realize in my eyes they are letting my sons murderer in my home to go through it while I'm not home? Am I truly crazy is does this sound like a total twilight zone moment? I started screaming at Rick and walked out of the room. It was like a nuclear bomb went off inside of me because I turned to the laundry room door and without even thinking I punched it like 20 times. There is literally 20 holes in this door about head level. I've never done anything like that before. I was so stunned that such a violent rage came out of me. I went to my room & just broke down crying. I was fighting to hold it all in because it felt like I was grasping at fragments of my self that were scattered in a million places and I couldn't seem to grasp any of them. I pulled myself together and went upstairs to my moms room. Opened her dresser and ripped up every picture in there of Sarah. Yes I know, that was totally childish but I didn't want to punch any more doors and I was trying to release some majorly pent up rage that was scaring me. I saw a box in the dresser full of pictures. My first reaction was to take every picture of my children out of there. Especially David. She did not deserve his. You know what? I couldn't find one single picture of my son. I found my daughter and my younger son, I found the ones of my nephews (my bro's boys) and my sisters (Sarah's her's) but nothing of David. I was stunned. He told me that she didn't care for him & I always thought he was reading more into than what was really going on but there it was in front of me. My son did not exists with her. My heart aches that he went to his grave believing she hated him and maybe he was right. I walked downstairs to tell Rick what I had just found,,,, or didn't find and he was on the computer listening to music. I had just demolished a door, was on a rampage upstairs for all he knew & he was just calmly watching music videos. It's almost funny in a surreal kind of way. I can't believe this is what my life has been reduced to. Am I crazy? Would these things set you all off? Am I over reacting? Well, punching the door was a little over reacting. Actually, it was really stupid, my hand hurts, the door looks like swiss cheese and I have to buy a new door, but you know what? It actually felt really good. It was a release. Maybe I should buy a punching bag or something.

I think it's a good thing I'm going to see that therapist tomorrow. I am shaking & all I do is shake my head no because I just can't believe this is my life. My son was the bond that completed my life. Now that bond is broken and so is my life. I'm just totally broken.

I'm not proofing this so you are getting me in the raw here.

[ericasmom]

Chris,

I do not think that you are over reacting, but rather reacting to the crazy-ass lack of reaction in your family. Your husband probably has to go listen to music and vidoes when you explode, he has never seen that from you and has no clue as to what he should do. Staying out of your way was probably the best he could do at the time. Not saying it is what you would do if it were reversed, but when we are in this deep pain, it is often our spouse that is on the outside the most. My husband is not the dad of my kids, so when he saw me change, it was so foreign to him. Part of our life together changed completely when Eri died becaue I changed, our lives had to or we would not have stayed together. Rick is probably trying to play the middleman for you and the side of the family that seems blind, (Sarah adn your Mom).

Yes, all of what you told us would have made me crazy and filled with rage. Yes, it is surreal and ridiculous. I am unsure if your Mom ever grieved the loss of your Brother or did she somehow never address this tragedy? Could she be in such denial still that she could never accept David's death either, and in fact, did not really acknowledge his life. Is David her oldest Grandchild? Could it be that when David was young, he reminded her of the Brother you lost which by the way, I am so sorry. Too many losses at young ages. I don't know Chris, but I find it all too much and I am way over here in Chicago. Where are you going to go on Thursday that they are coming to your home to pick things up? I would ask Rick to please take the dresser over to Sarah's home and drop it off. I would also inform Mom that she is never to bring Sarah into the house if you choose to not have her there. I would then change the locks.

Heartless? Hell no, protective of what is left? Absolutely.

Good lucky Sweetie.

[Guest msnher]

Hugs to you, Chris!!!!!!!!!!

No. you are not crazy. You are a grieving mother.

Yes. if I were in your shoes I would be hurt and angry, too.

Over reacting? Grief will NOT be ignored. It is powerful and it demands respect. Your family is not only disrespecting you and the loss you've had, they are disrespecting grief. Period. Grief manifests itself in many forms. And, grief doesn't care the time, place or day. It doesn't care who you are or who you are not. It doesn't care what gender you are; how much money you make; how intelligent you are; etc. It will control you. It is the boss right now. The best we can do is abide by its rules. And, grief makes no other rule than to be respected.

If it is disrespected it will throw a fit. Perhaps even punch holes in walls. Perhaps even make you sleep 14 - 18 hrs a day. Perhaps make you cry/sob at the most inopportune times. It will kick your ass, run over you and then tell you to get up and take some more. And, it will either make you bitter or make you softer....but, it will make you. Make no mistake about it.

Right now, Chris, you ARE grief. The very essence of it. And, your grief---you, are being disrespected.

Worse.........your grief is making it look like your son is being disrespected. Utter betrayal to your beautiful child who paid the ultimate price to expose the truth of a family hidden in the thorns of denial.

You are shouting the "world is round" and your family insists it is flat.

You are saying "The emperor has no clothes on" and your family is complimenting his "attire".

Rather than being grateful for the news, your family, instead, is saying you are not only nuts for saying the world is round, you are mean for pointing out the emperor is naked.

Aside from all of that wise pontificating I just offered (rolling my eyes at myself) is it possible your mother put the pictures she had of David somewhere else after David died? I know all the pictures I find of Stephanie get put in a different container marked "Stephanie". That way I have them together when I need to (or want to - but mostly HAVE TO) look at her face.

None of that excuses your family's behavior.....but, hopefully it explains it.

I think it's important to choose our battles carefully on this new journey. Perhaps the person you need to be yelling at (over and over again) is the police force. Your niece not only gave the drugs to David. She dumped him in a parking lot to die. That seems like accessory to murder.

In the meantime, please continue posting your rage and sorrow here.

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. So very sorry!

Peace be with you.

Don't forget to breath.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Dear Chris

I am so very sorry for the overwhelming grief that overtook you tonight. I have been in that spot and I know how badly your hand hurts!!!I Please see a Doctor tomorrow if itis still painful.You are not crazy You are dealing with the insanity that happens in a family when drugs or alcohol abuse occurs Families fracture, take sides, deny reality , blame and act as if the only sane one is crazy.

Please know that there is an organization that has been set of people who have experienced or are experiencing exactly what you are dealing with . They understand the feeling of betrayal, and despair caused by a family member using drugs. Sarah's actions are extremely inappropriate

The organization I am referring to is called naranon. The web site for information and meeting places and times is:

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Groups.htmorganization

Meetings are held in most communities and are attended by family members who need support,and understanding and to feel a connection with others who have traveled the road they are on. Just like BI the support is powerful. Telephone numbers are available so that if you become enrraged you can call a member and vent and not hurt yourself.

One other thought David knew that you loved him and that was certainly more than enough

I hope you can get some rest

[aim630]

Chris-You are not crazy at all. Not only do you have to deal with your son's death, which is crushing in itself, you don't even have the support of your mother, and other family members. Also, your niece's actions, or inactions led to your son's death. Of course you would be angry & hurt. I feel rage myself & feel like punching & kicking something, and Ashley died due to complications of the flu. Who knows what is motivating your mother? Maybe, like Dee said, David reminded her of your brother when he was little. Since she had never dealt with that grief properly, she took it out on your son. Maybe with time, you'll be able to talk to her and explain your feelings, but maybe not. You need to take care of yourself first, and (temporarily, at least) breaking that bond with your mother and other members of your family is best thing for right now. Maybe your mother is also feeling a lot of grief over David's death, along with unresolved grief from when her own son died, and it is easier to take sides & focus on another one of her grandchildren, rather than deal with you and the grief she feels. It's possible she feels she just cannot deal with this grief again, so she is backing away from it and distancing herself from you. Maybe your mother will finally realize the truth while living with Sarah. It's just a shame she can't see it now & the damage she is doing to you when you need her love the most.

I hope your visit with the therapist is helpful. You can always come here & say whatever you want. We all understand to different degrees what you're going through.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[kmb22]

Edit

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, my aunt and I had a very unpleasant experience last evening. The act in itself isn't so bad, the method is. I'll tell you about it in a moment. The after, my up all night, anxiety, I finally dozed before 5 am and woke to an awful dream of Rich. Not Rich but what happened to Rich in the dream and no one would listen when I told them he was killed. He wasn't. In my dream he was. Dream complete with a folder of morgue pictures. I never even saw morgue pictures. Hope the sun shines bright soon.

We have been stalked. Not us. My aunt and uncles farming equipment. After arriving home last evening, a pick-up went barreling out of the lane. My aunt proclaimed,” our plow”. ( not my plow) Seems that thieves have been coming around and stealing things.small things at first. They moved the plow into position and came back for it last evening. The scary thing is that “they” were here,lurking. I know people need money and most likely the items will be sold for scrap...its the lingering emotion,the creepiness that remains.

Chris, I wish I could offer sound words of advice,what steps to take,how to handle the relatives. Words of wisdom I'll leave to others here that helped me.

I did see a therapist after Rich died. My therapist lost her 20 year old son . She was at the 5 year mark when I started my sessions. We talked of the actions of some relatives, their disrespect of Rich and me. She told me that the relatives were “hard-wired” wrong. I try not to dwell on the events after Rich's death, so I will say no more. I dealt with the hard-wire problem with the knowing, that these people had to live with themselves. Their actions. Down the road . Chris,take care of yourself . Peace.

Colleen, it is very cold here. Your thoughts on the future I agree with. Someone said something to me the other day about,” in the future”. My thought was, “ do you have a crystal ball”?...left unspoken of course.

Betty wrote, “My only demand of God was that Stephen be safe and happy and have a long life “. Me too ,Betty. Your faith it seems is still strong. Maybe mine wasn't from the get-go. Or after so much has occurred in my life. My mom never attended church often after her son died. She made sure her children did ,but she never really did again. I guess at times I felt as if I am left with the thought that I am praying to thin air, right after Rich died. Not so much now.

I guess I will make some coffee, or maybe try to get some sleep. Missing this year is “my child” to buy Christmas presents for. I have to make a couple calls later.

[rlolheiser]

Thank you all for your kind words.. I guess I just get down once in awhile. That is why I am so happy we have BI to come to. You are all such a part of my life now.

Chris.. your words touch my soul, my heart. I can't imagine the pain your going through. I am sorry for the treatment your getting from your family. I agree with Dee, maybe you can get the dresser to your mom so you can bypass them coming to your home. I agree full heartedly that it is your right.. your house.. your son.. your feelings.. they should all be put first. I pray you find some peace my friend.. I hope therapy does something for you.. I don't know what else to say except you and David are very loved.. and I am so sorry that things are so difficult for you... circumstances are hard enough but when you fight the world around you, it makes it even harder... hugs

things here are still tense.. I just have to work on finding my point of peace.. it is tough.. things will go really well.. and then it is like an explosion around here. Without going into detail, my daughter and I had a huge fight last night.. she threatened her daughter to send her to her other grandparents.. I lost it and told her that if she tries.. I will fight her and it will be her looking for another place to live. Dang.. I hate holidays.. they have always been a frustrating time in life. but lately.. it is more so.. But enough complaints..

I am wise enough to know that I still have a bounty of things to be thankful for.. a friend of mine here told me God does answer prayer, and it made me think.. I just have to listen harder..

hugs to all..

[ddefrain]

Chris, I am so sorry for the loss of your son David, and that on top of this horrific loss, having to deal with your mother's behavior and lack of acknowledgement of the loss of David, and the grief and pain that engulfs you. But you are definitely not crazy. I think that people respond to loss in very different ways, and some find it easier to simply not acknowledge their loss or grief and/or turn a blind eye to the pain of the people they love. My mother whom was extremely close to my son, told me that one of the most difficult things for her was to see the pain and grief on my face, knowing that I was hurting and she could not fix it for me. She could not kiss the wound and make it better. I do not put this out as an excuse for your mom's behavior. At this point, she needs to take a look in the mirror and understand this is not about her!! My daughter Jamie who is 24 and very close to her brother Loren, suffered the loss of her fiance of 4 years, July of 2008, 6 months prior to her brother's death. She suffered the loss of two significant, important people in her life in a very short period of time. Our son died in Jan of 2009, by the end of that January, she had met a young man, and in June of 2009, she came to her father and I and told us she was getting married in August and moving to California. (the young man is a Marine stationed in San Diego, California). She told me they were getting married in Vegas. Certainly not the wedding I had been planning for my only daughter since she was two. I was horrified at the thought of having to plan a wedding or take part in a ceremony in the same year that I lost my son, her brother!!! My husband and I sat on our patio with her, begging her not to do this, pleading with her not to make this mistake. We tried reasoning, yelling, crying. We told her that she is not thinking clearly after so much loss and that she was running from her pain and grief. (We live in the same house in which our children grew up so there is no where in this city that we can go and not have a memory of Loren) She finally screamed at her father and I that she deserves to be happy and was doing this with or without us. Because we have always felt that it is better to be in our Children's lives rather than on the periphery, I planned a wedding that year for August in Vegas. I was making wedding plans 6 months after our son died, and I remember thinking to myself how selfish our daughter is, completely devoid of any kind of compassion for her parents. She got married and moved to California in August. We took a weekend and helped her move her things cross country to California. I remember coming home that Sunday night and our house was completely silent, completely empty, it was as if I had suffered the loss of another child. My husband and I just held each other and cried.

My husband and I had 4 months together where we simply concentrated on our grief, healing and each other. We were reclusive, riding our motorcylces together, leaving on a Friday morning on our bikes and just riding all weekend wherever the road would take us. During this time, we spoke with our daughter daily. As the months rolled by she was becoming more and more unhappy and depressed, and finally in January of this year, she called me in tears and let me know that even in California her brother Loren and her fiance Thomas are still dead. She was devastated, she did not love the man she married, she felt she had ruined her life, and did not know what to do. We told her to come home. She came home this past January. She is finally actively acknowledging her grief, allowing herself to mourn the loss of Loren and Thomas as well as the future she has lost with the death of these two important men in her life.

I say this because what I came to realize is that in the months following her brother's death, my husband and I had each other to lean on, we knew our daughter was in emotional pain as well, but we as parents were completely incapable of helping her to deal with her pain and grief. Most times in those early months, Jay (my husband) and I were holding on by our finger nails, just trying to get through the day sometimes minute by agonizing minute. So for the first time in our daughter's life, she did not have the support or council of her parents to shine a small guiding light through her darkness.

Perhaps in your mother's case, it is easier for her to leave (the geographical escape that we all want to do) then to have to deal with David's death, as well as your pain. It may be that she never dealt with your brother's death, perhaps pushing you away is her way of not having to acknowledge anything at all, not everyone that suffers this type of loss actually walks down the path of grief with the hope that at some point along this journey there will actually be a measure of peace in our life again. Some people just park themselves on the path like a toad stool and never actually begin the journey. Again, not excusing her behavior but simply trying to point out some alternative explanations for her behavior. Or maybe she is just a cold, heartless, insensitive bitch that is incapable of looking outside of her own universe to see the pain, agony and additional grief she is causing you at a time when you need her the most. That could be a possibility as well.

Debra

[Guest msnher]

Debra - I appreciate the wisdom in your words about the grief your daughter is experiencing. I have three other children besides Stephanie. The youngest girl and Stephanie were best friends. The loss of her sister weighs heavy in her soul. She says she doesn't have anyone she can talk to. However, I've noticed whenever the subject turns to Stephanie, she shuts down. Grief will take its time with her. I am feeling stronger, however, so hopefully I will be available to help her through it when she is ready to face it (grief).

The first week that Stephanie died I was unable to SEE my other children's pain. I knew they hurt and I wanted (needed) them around me. But, seriously, I was in so much pain myself I couldn't help them. Jennifer, my youngest and Stephanie's best friend, came from Iowa with her little baby to be with us. I was hardly available for the grandchildren either. Very rare for me to not be present with my grandchildren.

The morning of the service, we were all ready to go to the church, but it wasn't time to leave yet. Jennifer's baby was very fussy and would not be comforted. They had tried to settle her all morning. I was pretty oblivious to it all.

As we (I) paced the living room I finally stopped...looked at my two daughters "fighting" (struggling) to calm this infant. Cassi is a Mommy's girl. She doesn't take to anyone but her mommy. But, even mommy couldn't settle her.

I looked at them and said, "What's wrong with her?" They didn't know and explained they had tried everything.

Without asking I just took the baby and began talking softly to her and gently stroking the nape of her neck. She settled right into my shoulder and I sang "You are my sunshine" to her. The song I sang to all my children. The song they sing to their children.

Her little gulps of air due to her crying calmed to slow, calm breathing as Grandma and baby united. My daughters sat there and sobbed as they watched their mother who was basically a shadow of a person nuture another baby.

It's a tender memory.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

A little something.

[ddefrain]

Susannah, you brought tears to my eyes, thank you for sharing this lovely memory and it reaffirms that mothers are able to draw on an amazing hidden strength even during times of incredible pain and heartache. I remember the days in the hospital with my son, and the week after he passed away planning his memorial service (we had our son cremated, my parents were trying to get back to the states from their vacation in Germany so we post poned the memorial service until they could get a flight out) our remaining children were watching their father and I like hawks, it was not until the day after Loren passed away that we came to realize they were watching us like hawks not because they were afraid were just going to completely fall apart, but because they were following our lead in how to handle themselves during a time of such emotional stress, chaos and tragedy. Our children look to us for guidance and it is up to us to teach them how to grieve. This year Jay and I are in a little better mental place in our grief and we are in a position to help our daughter find her way on this path. We are simply greatful that she did finally "wake up" and realize the mistake that she had made and was not afraid to talk to us about it. I certainly don't want to imply by saying we are in a better place that my husband and I don't continue to have completely awful days, and usually it is not at the same time, from what I am reading here, that is something that continues for years to come. But we are functioning at a different level today than last year this time. The smiles don't come very often yet, But I am hoping with time they will come again as well. I am not sure why I feel the need to share my experiences and feelings at this particular point in time. Last year I rarely shared on this site, it was as if what happened was too awful to even put in words. I don't even know if I had the words. But going on two years, it seems I can finally talk about all the events that happened and when I see the new grieving parents at this site, I feel that maybe something that I write will help them just a little during this awful time. I know that it did for me last year.

Debra.

[hotrod]

Dear Indigos

Betsy I am so sorry for your difficult dream and the robbers who invaded your aunt's property. This time of year this is so hard to maintain a balance and to have these two unsettling events at the same time is retched. I came home yesterday and in the Lobby of my building is a huge poster with the picture of a big man who is wanted for robbery. It appears that he enters the building after you and pulls a gun and that is it. The picture was a wanted poster for us to be on the look out Please try to get some rest and I do hope the police are on the case.

You are right I do still have my faith . I was very, very angry with God and did not speak for over a year But as Karen pointed out blaming and in my case not speaking did not change the fact that I believed.

Acceptance has finally arrived and I am just grateful that Stephen was mine for a time. One other thing that might of helped me get to acceptance faster is that Stephen was 41 when he passed all of your angels were much younger

I am so sorry for all the sadness Sus and Debra Thank you for sharing your painful , beautiful re memories. . In retrospect I can see many things that I could not while going thru this excruciating experience.

I read a quote from Elizabeth Edward's book recently. , she experienced much pain in her life including the loss of a teenage child , infidelity and terminal illness . She said "Everyone has hard difficult times in their lives. You just have to get up off the floor and fight".

I do believe that you Indigos have given me the inspiration to do just that. What I must fight is myself wanting to give up and isolate

Thank you all for being here.

.

[ericasmom]

So sad that some find this time of year as opportunity to feed off others. Sadly, it is so and I am hopeful and prayerful that the robbers and stalkers and hurtful humans are found and taken out of the way of others. Deep prayers.

Bless Elizabeth Edwards on her new journey and I too read those words as well as these Betty; we go along after something tragic happens and we think we have accepted it, but we will know when we really have accepted it, it is when we become a part of the world again, when we see our purpose anew...

Love to you all, would love to write more and respond, but it is report card hell time.

[westleysmom]

Betsy-Thanks for the video. It was beautiful music they made! Sorry about the theft and the strange dream, both of those would unsettle anybody. Be careful!

Betty-You too! Watch out for that guy, this time of year is scary sometimes, in more ways than one. I hope to be able to have faith again someday that things are as they should be, its just so hard. YOU are an inspiration to me, too.

Susannah-Such a bittersweet memory of comforting the little one on that horrible day. I worry that my Amy needs more than I can give her sometimes, although she seems to be handling her brother's death fairly well. They always fought like the dickens, but I know she loved him and misses him too.

Debra-"Not everyone that suffers this type of loss actually walks down the path of grief with the hope that at some point along this journey there will actually be a measure of peace in our life again. Some people just park themselves on the path like a toad stool and never actually begin the journey"

Those are very wise words and really spoke to me. I feel like lately that I'm lollygagging on this path and not trying as hard as perhaps I could. It is a very fine line between pushing yourself too hard, I think, and giving yourself too much of a pass because of what has happened in your life. Thank you for posting again.

Chris-Good luck with the counseling and I hope you are feeling better (ouch! on the hand) I'm so sorry your family has been so combative with you when you need support. I hope things get better soon, and I'm with Dee, I wouldn't let thim in my house if I could get the stuff out of there and change the locks or something. I'm so so sorry that things are being so rough right now.

Leah-Thinking of you and hoping things get better.

Shawn's Mom, Dee, Colleen, Trudi, Carol, Amy, Sonya, Sherry, Everybody have a good day if you can.

[shorty16]

Chris

My son, Aaron punched both his walls and his door. That is why we bought a punching bag. We fixed the wall, but the door still looks like swiss cheese.

We have all been there. In my humble opinion, the best thing your Mom can do for you right now is leave your home. This will give you time to clear your mind of all the dis-function going on.

Good luck

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Okay, well Betsy, I played the utube you sent while here at school and wept and wept, it just encouraged all that I hold dear in the memories and spirit of Christmas. It was lovely. Thanks. Hey, did you and Auntie call the police?

Now the song on this piece is the new COLD PLAY song and I heard it the other day on the radio, cried when I heard, "oh how I wish the lights would bring her back..." so found it today and wept some more. THis puffy eyed woman now must get back to the report cards needing comments then off to the city for my annual mammogram. Joy to the world, it is time to hug the machine, both figuratively(glad to have such tools) and actually.

As far as the siblings of our Lost Loves...Jonathan struggled against the tide for a long while, watching his Dad not find a way to see the light again, trying hard to find his niche' himself, and then watching his dad get sick and die...yikes the losses pile up in our hearts and we can easliy stay stalled like a toad-stool, loved that phrasing earlier today. I think that when we see our Kids make decisions that hurt themselves or at least don't help their situations, we walk on eggshells, depending on thier ages, to try to get them back on track, some track. I agree with the conversation earlier, we don't necessarily know which way to assist our Kids when our own hearts are shattered. Our own energy is depleted and seeing which way is the best way- is way beyond most of our vision in those early months and year of loss. We are just hanging on to the edges of our souls which crumble without any notice, and we tighten our grips, grabbing at air, searching for answers. We can only hope and offer hope to the siblings of our Children that one day they will feel like life is good again. It may be crucial to get them to therapy, but if they are adults and resist it, there is little you can do other than model what is best for you. I know that during different times on this journey, I felt I was losing a second child as well. Watching a once happy young man turn to stone as he closed himself off. But now, he is back much more fully. Thankfully he has always had many friends and with their constant love ans support, and his sweet nature, and th elove of his girl, Jon has found a road to walk on. He feels the purpose in his days.

When you are grieving, human nature says to find out why this happened? There are no answers really, not any that will satisfy the burning ache in our souls, so we just live as alien beings for a while until we learn bit by bit how to listen to music again, how to read a book, how to sit with a friend over coffee, how to go to work, how to live in the light. One day, you will live in the light again, it won't be the same, but it will be the light of your Baby and the light of your strength.

[daveydow1]

Betty----It's cold here too ( in the teens at night......20's during the day). We got about 7 or 8 inches of snow. The roads

out here in the country are not the greatest due to open fields and drifting.....makes for treacherous driving in some

places. I'm used to it though. Glad your little squirrel is doing ok. We have, lately , had many mourning doves at our

feeders. They walk around like 'little chickens' and feed on the ground where the other birds spill seeds out of the

feeders. One poor dove flew at the kitchen window and died. I felt sad----they mate for life.

Leah---So sorry, my friend, that you have so much sorrow and feeling so down. I am so glad that you came to BI. It is

a lifeline for many of us......giving us a place where we can come and express our feelings honestly, without being

judged. I'm sorry for the troubles your dear daughter is having, and am sending thoughts & prayers tor you. Peace & comfort.

Rhonda----Yes,...I agree. ....there sometimes is a fine line between the emotions in this lousy journey we find ourselves on.

From my experience, it is the roller coaster life we never thought we'd be on......it was unthinkable....losing a child. But here

we are. I'm sure not one that is qualified to give advice, that's for sure. Some days are reasonably 'stable', and then there

the dreaded ones where we are near (or in) that dark dark place. I do believe, that in time (no set timetable, of course) the

pain does 'soften'. Never leaves......just 'softens'.

Colleen-----It's cold here too. BRRrrrrrrr, Maybe I'll warm up the kitchen by doing some baking. (of course I don't need sweets......

but there's always the grandies!!! )

Well Indigoes........must go for now. Doing a bit of decorating......nothing on a lagre scale.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

JUST HANGING OUT AND READING...KIMBERLY WAS IN LA TODAY AND WENT TO THE CHINESE THEATER THIS IS HER ON MARILYN MONROES CONCRETE BLOCK...I WLD LIKE TO GO THERE SOME DAY...

KODY AND BROOKE COOKED DINNER, STEAKS,BAKED POTATOS, STEAMED BROCC, AND SALAD...THEY DID A GREAT JOB...I THINK MY SON ENJOYS COOKING....

I FEEL THE BLACK CLOUD OF HOLIDAY AND NEW YEARS SNEAKN UP ON ME.....TRYING TO STAY AHEAD OF IT...I DONTNO IF I CAN..

HOPE ALL IS WELL FOR ALL MY BI FAMILY

[lolynbo]

OOPSY

[ericasmom]

Lorri, love Kim's photo, she is damn pretty that girl.

I know trying to stay above or in front of the blues is hard, might just let it catch you now and maybe you will be better for it tomorrow.

Love to you,

dee

PS Tell my babyboy he can cook dinner for me anytime. My Boy likes to grill.

Sherry, baking sounds good, it would definitely warm this place up. The last three mornings have had a 0 windchill factor. I went walking this AM though cause I am feeling too cooped up without a walk two days in a row. SO I doubled the pants and layered shirts adn went out for about 30 min. before work. The kids are squirrly too, indoor recess for three days while these sub-temps are around. Tomorrow in the upper 20's so they should get out. We'll see.

Rhonda, it was you that said, parks themselves in the road like a toad stool., love that and I fully agree. I do feel that many never are able to grieve adn so they never go through the process, thinking that perhaps staving it off can make it go away. I find it sad as there is no way to make it go away, but to hold all that in is the saddest existence. The process itself is the hardest thing, but to not go through it would be yet antoher tragedy.

[Chris]

I need to start responding on Word like you all do so I can talk to each of you.

I love the flash mod video. It is so cool how they coordinate stuff like that. Usually it's college age students doing them so that was really awesome seeing all ages in that video.

Ok, I went to my first therapy session today & it went pretty good. I think I left her in shock & awe but she also did that to me too.

My therapist's name is Regina. I almost canceled going about 30 minutes before it was time because I didn't want to go outside, I didn't want to get dressed but I knew after last night I really needed to go. I don't have enough doors in this house to handle what's going on inside me. lol

It was 45 minutes long but it went by really quick. My biggest fear was that I would get someone that was too clinical, that she would not even know how to relate to me and that I would come out of there never wanting to go back. She first ask me if I had been referred and I told her my door referred me then got teary eye. She looked perplexed and smiled. I then told her my son died. She ask me if this happened this year and when I told her Sept 27 she teared up and said you are just beginning this journey. I knew when I saw the tears & compassion in her voice that I liked her. She wasn't all clinical. It was like once I started talking about David the flood gates opened up and I poured out my heart over my son. I told her about what was going on with my family, then I got to my anger over how David died. I told her about you all and how this place has saved my life in so many ways. I told her what all I learned from you all, what I knew was going on with me, what I knew was going to continue to go on with me, just everything that we all talk about here. She said I had an awesome knowledge base (that's you all) and that she understood with all that knowledge, love & support it still didn't help my pain when I was alone with nothing but my sorrow. She teared up a few times when I was talking and I saw her get angry when I poured my anger out. She also reaffirmed with me that I wasn't crazy, that what my family was doing was very damaging and she also said what many of you said, to not even deal with them, to set up a way for my mother to get her dresser without her coming here since it is a very raw emotional drain for me. That was good to hear because last night after I read some of you saying that's what I should do I had Rick call & tell my nephew that Thursday wasn't a good time that they would wait until the weekend when my husband could help carry it out for them. I'll go shopping or something so I don't have to be here at the time. After I told him that I felt an enormous weight lifted. The therapist agreed that was the correct way to handle it. See, you all are so smart.

There's no way to ever begin to touch this in 45 minutes but I think I might have touched on each area of what's crazy in my life right now. I was really drained when we were done. It's exhausting but nothing is more exhausting than grief alone.

At the end of our session she said this, "I am filled with joy that you have chosen me to share your grief with". she had tears in her eyes when she said this.

I go back Monday.

I told my husband all about my session. He proceeded to tell me that my nephew called and said that Friday was fine to get the dresser. He also told Rick that the reason none of the family wanted to talk to me was my anger. I haven't talked to any of them so I'm not sure who's anger they are talking about other than I am angry at Sarah for her part in David's death. Next thing I knew I was back in that place where I could feel everything boiling in me. I told Rick that I am smart enough to recognize a trigger & talking about this part of my family was big triggers. He agreed that he won't tell me their negative statements any more. I'm building those healthy walls for a change to protect my heart that is damaged enough.

This leads me to something I did odd tonight. Rick went to Aaron's football banquet tonight. I didn't want to go around all those men & have to try and put on a fake face, Aaron totally understood, it's a guy thing. So I'm home with just Ariel. She walks over to me with David's prayer blanket and hugs it, smells it and says "Ahhh Day day". I picked Ariel up & decided I needed a big David fix. On a normal day David would go upstairs to his room and crank up his stereo with his music. If I wanted his attention I would slap the wall at the bottom on the stairs and he would either feel it or hear the thud because his room was directly above the wall I slapped. I went up, turned his stereo on that was loaded with 6 CD's he had in it the last night he was home before he was hospitalized. I cranked it up as loud as he usually listened to it then went downstairs and sat at the bottom of the stairs where it turns to go up, leaned against the wall & just looked at the light that was pouring from his room to the hall. Since his death I've kept his door shut so that it's dark right at the top of the stairs. When he was alive the light from his room would fill upstairs. I watched that light as this music thumped on. Ariel fell to sleep in my arms as tears slipped down my cheek. I could see David in my memory standing at the top of the stairs like I've seen him a million times there. I felt so close to him at that moment but so very sad because this was a normal thing in the life of my son. I wanted to slap the wall to get his attention.

Thank you all for guiding me to try the therapist and for also directing me on how best to deal with my mom situation and for being here for our Angels.

David's mom, Chris

[rlolheiser]

good morning all

We are finally above 30 at least for about 10 hours and then it drops again. Strange weather :-) The weeked is going to be back in the single digits.. brrr

Chris.. wow.. sounds like you found somebody really good to talk to. I hate pouring my heart out to people that just look at you and show no response. I hope your visits with her help you through this journey. I am glad you have come to some answers on how to handle some of the family stuff going on. It sounds like you did get David's attention last night.. I think he was there listening to the music with you.. hugs

Lorri.. I think it is great that Kody likes to cook.. I have been including my little guy in the cooking since he was able to walk ... small little things and now he can crack an egg better than I can :-) He loves to do thing in the kitchen he is only 7 now so who knows.. maybe he will be my cook as he gets older. I hope you stay ahead of the black cloud my friend.. I am thinking of you.

Sherry, your weather sounds a lot like ours.. cold.... I agree with you about the giving advice.. I don't know if we qualify for advice givers but so often the words of wisdom I have read here have helped me imensely in getting through a lot of tough times. Thank you for your words, it is really hard lately with my daughter.. I wonder how much of what she does is because she hasn't faced the roller coaster of losing JaBoa.. I know she hurts, but she won't talk about it very often, I think she expects the pains and memories just to go away. I think she won't get better until she faces it still hurts.. and it is ok to hurt.

Dee, I read about how Jon has struggled with the loss of his sweet sister and look at my little grandaughter left here.. she knows she was in the accident.. and I think she feels guilt.. I know she misses her sister something terrible and I want so much to help her but don't know what to do. She was only 4 but has many memories.. she still swears she wasn't in the van when it crashed.. that the angels took her out and put her back in when it was over.. and she doesn't understand why the angels didn't do that for her JaBoa. She wont talk about JaBoa in front of her mom.. I think she figures out that mom doesn't do well with the subject.. but when mom isn't around we do talk.. I want so much to protect her.. she has many problems with her behavior, and I know it stems from family problems.. it leaves me frustrated.. I know my daughter is afraid to love her, she has told me this.. she is afraid that if she gets to close God will take her away too. But I told my daughter.. what if God doesn't take her away and you ignored this beautiful little sister of JaBoa.. what will you say to them then.... and the days go on with all the battles.. (sorry.. got carried away)

Rhonda, I too liked the toadstool analogy .. kind of like I just told Dee.. I think sometimes people choose not to go on and delay things.. like my daughter.. I think though you are doing great I love to read your posts and hear your caring words.. your Westley is proud of you I am sure.

Betty.. you bring your words to me as if they came out of my heart. I know I may have only had JaBoa for 10 years.. but I was lucky.. I had her.. she was in my life and touched me and made me who I am which really isn't that bad a person :-) thank you for reminding me of that.

Debra, I am really glad you are here and posting. I have been enjoying getting to know you and your angel Loren. I stayed in the background for a long time before I posted, but am happy that I came here to help me get through.

Susannah.. You are a remarkable woman.. I love your stories that you share with us. I think it is wonderful how you calmed your grandchild.. :-) grandmas are amazing people but you put the amazement in it.

Betsy, I hope that the stalker incident is over.. I hope you have the law involved. It breaks my heart that somebody has to take from somebody else. I have always felt, if you need it bad enough come knock on my door and I will do what I can.. don't steal from me.. I will help anybody with what I can do.. but to invade somebody's privacy and sanctuary is unforgiveable. Thinking of you at this time..

I guess.. mom is up early.. time to get her breakfast and coffee.. she seems to be doing better..

Have a good day my friends.. I am thinking of you all.

[ericasmom]

Chris said:

I was really drained when we were done. It's exhausting but nothing is more exhausting than grief alone.

Chris, such a powerfully true statement. Therapy is draining, but it is a tool to help you through the muck of it all, and nothing in hti sowrld is as exhausting as grief ALONE. I am so glad for you to have taken this step adn the steps you took at home following this session. Good for you, I am rooting for you. For us all.

LEah, please go on, never stop telling your story, it helps unwind that ball of yarn that we call our spirits. We get so tangled in the conflicts that we never have a smooth time, so untangle here so that you can have a measure of smooth one day. I guess the way I feel about being afraid to love someone for th efear they may disappear too, well, if they did, they knew love. We all must know love.

[shorty16]

Susannah – I sure love our conversations. The views you share with me give me a lighter view on life. I really appreciate that. I love hearing about what you see in your life and how you interpret them. Thanks

Betty – NYC must be so beautiful now – I am so glad you were able to see the lights. Your posts about Christmas sound positive. I am also having a decent Christmas – finally able to see the season a little instead of having it covered in black with my grief.

Leah – Join the club – It is 22 degrees right now – snow on the way. The boys set-up the tent in the back yard and slept out there last weekend. – Go figure – nice, warm house or cold tent in the snow????

Chris – I am so glad that you had a good therapist. The word “Trigger” is also an important word for us parents. I now know what my triggers are and try to avoid them. That makes my life much easier. I am so glad that the Indigos here could help you. We are all here for you.

Lorri – We went to Hollywood CA for our 2009 Christmas. I was astonished at how run-down it was. We did not even get out of the car. We saw the Chinese Theater, but several tour buses were in front of it, so we did not stop. Glad your daughter had a good time.

Sherry – It is funny you should mention baking. The first year after Brian’s death, I could not organize my head enough to bake anything. I did not have the energy to cook, bake or do anything that required thought. It took me a good 1.5 years before I could actually bake bread. I was amazed at how long it took me to get my head back. Now, I can bake – and other newbies on this site will get some of their skills back too – in time.

Dee – I too, watched my two children in their grief. Aaron was mad at the world and destroyed things – big things. Neither Aaron nor my husband would seek counseling – Too sad they said. Michelle cried all the time and was very angry at little things. Michelle and Aaron had a hard time finding their relationship without Brian. The New Normal is hard. It takes a good year to even get your feet settled, let-alone our heads. Dee, I met your son, John and he loves you very much. I can see it in his eyes when he talked about you. – You are a lucky lady.

Rhonda and several others on here are having their first Christmas without their Children I applaud you for staying in your home and not running away like my family did. Please remember, this BI family will be thinking of all of you on that special day. Our prayers are our strength and prayers can travel a long way.

Love to my Indigo friends.

Colleen, Brian’s Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigos;

Chris - I am so glad you went to the therapist and that you felt good about her. I am impressed with your ability to see the dysfunction in your family and to realize it isn't you. I'm glad you are seeing the triggers and setting boundaries to protect yourself. You are a remarkable woman.

Leah - I am also glad you are here, sharing with us. I would be just as hurt if I lost one of my grandchildren. Again, I am so sorry you have to walk through this added heartache of your daughter's choices.

Debra - You and your husband are wise, loving parents. I am so glad you are sharing with us, now. Your words have already helped and blessed me. You have much to offer.

Betty - I love what you wrote about being in acceptance. I THINK I'm on my way there, too. I don't put a lot of stock in my emotions, feelings or thoughts since Stephanie died because, as we all know, grief can blind side us and knock us down as quick as it pulls us up...but, a peace (even joy) has settled around my heart. I know it has a lot to do with the dream (maybe vision?) I had the other night. I'm still riding that "high".

Kathy - How's the new home coming? How are you? How is your son?

Rhonda, Dee, Sherry, Colleen, Carol, Betsy, Greg, Dan, and everyone whose name I missed.....blessings to you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - we posted at the same time. I love our conversations, too, my friend!

[westleysmom]

Colleen-Tent in the snow? Must be a guy thing. We are trying so hard to get through this Christmas season, but I think the main reason I don't run away is that we're just not traveling people. Now get in the bed and cover up your head and stay there kind of run-away is more my style. But I'm not doing that if I can possibly help it. I'm just not participating as fully as I usually do in the festivities. I hope it doesn't keep other people from feeling the joy that is surely in the season that I just can't feel for myself this year. Thank you for your prayers and the strength they give.

Lorri-I'm glad Kim is having a good time and hope you are able to stay out of the dark place.

Leah and Dee-Actually I was quoting Debra when I said that about the toadstool, it just spoke to me so much. She said that you have to travel the path to get through the grief and not stop on the side of it and stay there, or something like that. I think she's so right, although sometimes I feel I am lingering longer at certain places on the path than I should. Sometimes I feel like I'm starting over again. But I am trying as you all are to get through it, not that we will ever be at the end of our grief, but hopefully at a place where we can live with it without feeling like it is going to kill us.

Chris-I am so glad that you found a good friend when you went to your therapy session. That is bound to help you deal with all that you have had heaped on your plate. That light at the top of the stairs, Westley always had the light on his room, even at night, but kept the door shut. I would know that he was home when I got up and saw it on, the crack under the door giving a line of light onto the wood floor of the hall. We still keep his door shut, and I don't turn the light on in there, I hardly ever go in there. It is still the same as it was, except there is some stuff piled on the bed from the funeral home, legal papers and stuff. I just can't bring myself to change anything about it yet.

Sherry-Decorating and baking sounds nice and homey. I'm glad to hear that it is possible to do those things eventually. I struggled at first to even go to the grocery store, I couldn't believe how hard that was. All I could think of was what Westley liked to eat and drink, and then I would remember I still had some at home because he's not there anymore. And then I would start crying and the grocery shopping would be over for that day. My sister brought me groceries for a few weeks before I was able to get out and do it again. I may try to bake some closer to Christmas. Or not, we'll see.

Westley's friend called yesterday and asked again about buying his car. I told him we'd talk about it and let him know. Then I sat down and cried for a while. I told my husband about the phone call and he said he knew we didn't need the car and it was just going down sitting in the driveway, but when he got home everyday, he could see it. And I knew what he meant. On the way home, I started crying and saying out loud, "he's not at home, he's not coming home, he's never coming home" over and over again. I was hysterical for a few minutes, letting the truth of the words sink in. I mean, I've known that since January 13, but to let it become real is so hard. We still haven't decided what to tell the friend.

Cold in TN too, supposed to warm up over the weekend, but then get really cold (for us) next week. Stay warm all you Indigoes.

[Guest msnher]

Westboro Baptist church is going to picket Elizabeth Edwards funeral. Elizabeth Edwards. Seriously? Why? And, their point is....?

[Crystal16]

Yesterday was emotional… I saw Dylan for the first time since his negligent act against my daughter. I had a flood of emotions anger, hate, empathy, sorrow, and exhaustion I felt as thou I was at war with myself. Dylan’s parents were in the court room too, I was hoping his mother would have made eye contact with me which she didn’t. I could tell by looking at her she had great sadness written all over her face, eyes were puffy and huge bags under her eyes. There was a part of me that wanted to kick the crap out of Dylan’s mom for giving him the rifle in the first place and there is another part of me that wants to hug her and say I forgive you and Dylan I he didn’t mean to hurt Ashlee, Dylan loved her and never would mean to hurt her.

[Guest msnher]

Lorri - I love the photo of Kim.

Rhonda - Hugs to you. I know what it's like to say it over and over, hoping it will sink in, trying to convince ourselves that this terrible thing has happened. We will never get rid of "Old Yellow". The Ford p/u Stephanie drove for the six weeks she was home.

It's a 77 and Gary bought it new. I call it the monster, demon truck from hell. Only because it is so big, goes so slow and the seat does not move so I sit on the edge of the seat to reach the clutch so I can shift and it never shifts smoothly. (I'm ALMOST 5'2"). Stephanie, however, took to it like a fish to water. She loved it. Gary had to drive it once since Stephanie died and he cried while driving it. I've sat in the passenger seat (in the driveway) after she first died...trying to smell her. I don't know if I'll ever be able to drive it or ride in it.....but, we both agree .... the truck stays.

[ericasmom]

The point Lorri, is these folks are sick, SICK if they feel it is their right to protest due to someone's belief system. OH MY GOODNESS, the pain this woman has faced, the losses in her life, and losing her life in the face of so much, my goodness, what are they going to protest? HER GRACE or HER COURAGE or HER COMPASSION FOR THOSE IN NEED OF HEALTH CARE? Sickens me.

Rhonda, thanks for letting me know it was Deb, I am so rushed these last few days I coudn't back up enough to look. THANKS DEB. Rhonda, that feeling of starting over is one we all have had even many years down the line, but each time it is a shorter restart, it trips us and we fall but usually while we are down, we find a new glimmer of hope that lets us see our way up again, up above the catacombs. That is why I love the song by POI DOG PONDERING- catacombs. It is wehre we examine the black hole of our grief, learn what we can and find our way to th esurface again.

Col, I don't think you ran away, I think you did what you could to survive, and the first order of things is to survive. I know that the kids struggled especially in finding who they were with each other without Brian to buffer, add to, insight, and just be the BROTHER to them. So hard but it does sound as though they have seen their way to the surface too. Good for you all.

Thanks, I think that my Jonathan is a special young man and our hearts, while wounded, still hold all the capacity to love and cherish what we have here in our lives.

Crystal, just saw your post so edited mine to add, WOW, that must have been emotional, so charged with the hurt you feel for them and the ache of forverness in your heart along with the anger...I am holding you as you sort through this whole thing.

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - So many conflicting emotions. I'm so sorry! Please keep us updated on the trial. Strength to you during this most difficult process.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Today is mine and Gary's 4th wedding anniversary....

[ddefrain]

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SUSANNAH AND GARY!!!

[shorty16]

Crystal

When my family went through the court hearings, we had hundreds of emotions in a few seconds time. If you would have asked me what I was feeling, by the time I told you, 20 other emotions would have went through me.

Our entire family was exhausted after each hearing. Took everything we had. At the sentencing, I made a speach that I am still proud of today (I would change 1 thing if I could). This speacch was 9 months in the making and morphed from something ugly and hateful to real emotion and structure before I gave it. You may be given the opportunity to speak, I took that opportunity and made it into a sounding board for both the other 2 boys and the community as a whole.

You may have a chance to do some real good here. I am trying to put a positive spin on this horrible situation-feeble attempt, I know.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Rhonda - I think you are right. Scott and I both love to travel. Since I travel some with my job (alone) I am used to it and know the drill.

For me, it was the anxiety of waking up on Christmas morning in our home without Brian - I could not do it. It was a sin against nature. I felt trapped. We made the reservations only weeks after Brian's death. There was no dought in my mind that I could not survive at home.

Thanks for pointing that out

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Happy Anniversary Susannah and Gary!

[rlolheiser]

Happy Anniversary Susannah and Gary! May you have many more beautiful years together!