Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Carol & Ralph. Safe travels. Will keep Davis in my thoughts while you are away. Pics please on your return.

Dee - We have just had a change of state government here. Holding my breath while the dust settles on what is real and what is spin to get us in. Never understood the paying of these people to 'run our lives' when they either don't listen or don't see cause it doesn't directly affect them.. Love your 2000 miles. Would love to hear the melodies of those children singing.

Jenn - Bittersweet to find out the cause of losing Brianna. Her body most definitely had fought a great fight but was overwhelmed by yet another sepsis. Hugs.

Kathy - Again it seems like the 'upstairs' accountant forgot to balance the accounts and gave you a double dose of 'things that build character'. Hug Tavian for me. Yes he's growing up, but not that fast. If Granma can't be a 'granma' and she makes Tavian a latchkey kid, she forfeits the right to have him.. Hugs to you too my friend as this weekend looms and another chapter in your story begins.

There is much music that underscores events in my life that come to mind. When mum passed in 2005 I remembered how she and dad would have friends over and they would dance the night away. The music would permeate through my wall till the wee hours. There was one song they always played late into the night. I had it played at mum's service.......tears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xARHXe4CCI

Enjoy the gentle music of Nat King Cole......Hey Mike, enjoy Nanna and Grandpa waltzing around you....they truly are beautiful together aren't they.....

[shorty16]

Dear Indigos,

Not many postings from yesterday.

CorysMom - So good to see your post - missed the avatar of Cory!!

Carol-Ralph Save travels

I do not know if any of you watch the news, but recently a 15 year old boy held a classroom hostage in Marrinette Wisconsin - about 150 miles NW of me. Before Brian died, I would have thought, "What the hell is that kid doing" Since Brian's death, all I want to do is call those parents and hug them - What a deal. I am sure those parents are the subject of much scrutiny. May God be with them.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Indigos

Questions: What temperature do you keep your home thermostat set?

Mine is Night: 63 Day: 67

A friend of mine is Night: 70 Day 75

WOW what a difference

Am I crazy for wearing sweaters in my home

PS: I live in WI, my friend lives in NV

Colleen

[lostwoher]

Just felt like sharing this song/video.

I love you and miss you Miss Kayla xo

[Guest msnher]

Lynn - Kayla is so darn cute!! Such happy memories. I love the picture of her in the dog kennel with the puppy outside of it trying to get to her. She grew from an absolute doll of a little girl into a beautiful woman. I know you miss her terribly, Friend. Hugs to you! I love the video and the song. A lot of time and love went into making it.

Carol - Each room in our house has an electric wall heater with its own thermostat. At night we turn them to about 55 or 60 for sleeping....ours is completely off...during the day it depends.....mostly about 70. However, when I lived in Vegas I was always cold in the winter and turned the thermostat up, too. Maybe it's because in the colder states houses are better insulated so we don't need to turn the stat up??

Prayers for Davis.

Strength for Kathy.

Prayers for everyone!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

LYnn, so pretty the music and gorgeous the photos of Kayla. Pretty pretty smile, eyes that smile with her. I know she is ever-present in your thoughts.

We keep our thermostat at around 67 day and a bit lower at night...

COl, I just read some more about the young man in Wisconsin. OH how sad, nobody, not friends nor family ever saw this coming, nobody, not teachers, not scout leaders, and they are just so puzzled by why this seemingly well loved and personable young man would do this, no note, no hints. I wonder if he harbored some self hatred for a long time or what? He had enough guns and ammo to do great harm, but nobody felt he would harm them...I am so sad for his family and friends. I wonder if someone hurt him somehow, sexually but he told his friends he had a sinus infection, could there be something in that? Meds that acted oddly on his brain?Sadness, and prayers.

[Chris]

Lynn I love Kayla's video. It was like watching her grow up. The picture of Kayla in the doggy pen is priceless.

I made one of David but I need to redo it. It was created for his friends so it's probably not appropriate for here. Seems like they all liked flipping the camera off a whole lot.

[daniellemom]

David's Mom - Danielle always flipped the camera it was her she didn't mean anything by it to her it was just funny. When we were putting pictures together for the video for her funeral I picked a picture with her giving the finger my Mom talked me out of it for the people that really didn't know her but was there for her family. I so wished I had of put it in the video.

We keep our thermostat at around 65 day and at 60 at night and some nights I wake up on fire. I know it's my age. LOL

Lynn - I will watch the video tonight at home.

Carol - Have a great trip and prayers for Davis. Your accounts of Ralph and Michael hit home for me. Timmy is not a military man but he didn't see eye to eye with Danielle. The day before Danielle passed away they spent the day together just the two of them that was his "gift" as Greg was talking about. I may be traveling to Boston in January for work. I hope not because of the weather but if I do I will have to find out where you are to where I'm going and see if we can't meet up sometime.

Kathy - Sorry about the "grandma" I agree enough is enough and if she wants to see him she can come to his house.

Trudi - Glad to hear you are back at the beach. I wish I was there with you in the sun.

Greg - What you wrote was beautiful!

Betty - Glad to hear your sister is coming along and that you had a nice Thanksgiving and your Stephen was remembers in such a special way. Just out family for Thanksgiving this year, Timmy, James, Mattie and me. First in many years that we didn't go to my Moms but decided because James doesn't make it home very often now days I would cook. I went to set the tabel and just couldn't do it because of the missing space. We ate in the living room. How sad is that?

To all the new parents here I welcome you to the site that saved my life.

Dee - You are just an inspiration to me and everyone on this site. Thank you for everything! My prayers are still with Jon.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[daveydow1]

Haven't been on BI for a few days..........fighting a crappy cold. Here is a pic I took out my kitchen window.

My husband feeds the birds every day. We love watching them. Tried to get a pic of the red-belly woodpecker,

but he was too fast. .

[daveydow1]

Well------THAT didn't work ! GRRrrrrrrr. So, I'll have to see what I did wrong, and try again later on.

Thanks so much for all the pics, poems, and videos.

Greg-----What a great speech you gave.

Sorry for all who are having a rough time right now, with the holidays coming up, birthdays, and angeldays approaching.

Thoughts & prayers for all.

Dee---Remember when I said I have not had a dream of Lisa for what seemed like decades???? Well, I had a very brief, and sweet

dream of her last night. She was about a year old, and was standing in front of me with her back turned to me.....I did not see

her face at all in the dream. She had on a little light pink dress that buttoned down the back, as baby girl's dresses did in the 70's.

I told her that she was growing, and there was a couple of buttons on the dress that were unbuttoned, and her back was showing.

I leaned over and kissed her little back where the button was undone. that's all there was to it., but oh, it was so very sweet.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mpsmom]

too funny Collen, .... you will be comfy when you visit my house...

Indigos

Questions: What temperature do you keep your home thermostat set?

Mine is Night: 63 Day: 67

A friend of mine is Night: 70 Day 75

WOW what a difference

Am I crazy for wearing sweaters in my home

PS: I live in WI, my friend lives in NV

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Good to see Bethany's face, Marcia!

[ericasmom]

HI MARCIA< I agree, good to see Bethany's beauty grace this screen.

Sherry, how dear your dream of Lisa. I love that you got to kiss her little back through the unbuttoned dress. Yes, those sweet dresses were great, with the smocking and pleating. I am happy that you had time to reconnect to your Little Girl.

[summergirl]

Dee - I know you are right and I need to rest but there is just so much to be done yet, Barry is helping alot but after living here for 24 years we have "collected" many things.....I promise to slow down as soon as we are moved in on Saturday...will take my time getting everything in order.....I did try to go to work today but the girls sent me home again...said I looked terrible and "too go home and sleep" -- how I wish. At least I am drinking fluids but the food thing is hard...been having soup for about a week now

Thank you all for the thoughts and kind words...where would I be without you all....

Yes, Grandma is not a grandma so she is out of the picture and I am not so sure she even cares....this was the first time she had Tavian since the first week of July....Her loss and my gain...

Yes I heard about the 15 year old boy and my heart goes out to all of the families. I cannot imagine what his parents are feeling, to have your child do something like that and shoot himself - I am thankful none of the other kids were hurt. There was an 18 year old girl that lives up island that was killed by a drunk driver last night as she was crossing the road...I cried for her and her family. Also, right here in our town a 35 year old man was killed when he was working, he got off some kind of machine he was using and left it running and some how it rolled and he was behind it, the machine backed into a building and he was stuck under the tire !! He leaves bhind a wife, young daughter and a son born this past spring......There are times when I am just so overwhelmed by all the loss I hear about....

So good to see beautiful Bethany....miss you and think of you often Marcia....

Trudi - my sweet, sweet friend.....there are no words.....

Well, time for Tavian to go to sleep and me to rest so I will say goodnite to all....Peace and Strength, Kathy

[daveydow1]

I took this pic out my kitchen window....looking back to the woods. Hope it comes through.

[shorty16]

Indigos

I have a great gift idea that keeps giving all year round. I just purchased a magazine subscription as a gift for my 2 sister-in-laws and my sister. "Birds and Bloom" magazine was $15 for 6 issues in 2011.

I did not even have to leave my home to do this.

Just an idea.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Cardinal on stump......looking out my kitchen window.

[daveydow1]

Something went way wrong.....sorry. I thought this site was able to resize any photo to be able to attach it.

Maybe I should just give up...... .

[rlolheiser]

Hi to all of you, I haven't been on much, feeling kind of overwhelmed, and trying to stay above water. I have been fighting with JaBoa's mom again. she is still talking to her boyfriend.. constantly.. I lost it today.. I screamed and I don't do that..I don't want to do that, it just isn't me. I told her some comments that were hurtful, wishing that it would wake her up but it doesn't seem to help... I love her so much.. and am so frustrated with worry for her. frustrated for me.. what the heck.. guess it is life.

Carol, I hope you and Ralph have a safe peaceful trip. I will be thinking and praying for Davis that he stay strong. It is a tough world out there.. I thought it was bad when I was young, but it is such a different planet these days.

Kathy, I hope your able to rest soon, you are handling so much. I will be glad when your all settled in your home as I am sure you will be too :-)

Sherry, such a sweet dream.. visit.. I don't know.. I think dreams like this are such a blessing.

Greg, your words are so moving, you have such a good heart.

I sure will be glad when I don't have dial up anymore.. I want to listen to your music and see the videos. :-)

We started getting the tree up, it is hard. the kids are putting all sorts of things on it. Even my daughter added to it. It isn't conventional anymore. We have included various flowers from JaBoa's gravesite into it that we have saved over the past. If I ever get it done I will post a picture.

Have a good night my friends.. I am thinking of you all

[briansdad]

Well people......I was kicked in the gut tonight. The people who live only 5 houses down from me on the court of my street were at my Bereaved Parents meeting tonight.Their 14 year old son took his own life Nov. 9th. God what is wrong with this world.

[Guest msnher]

Greg - I'm so sorry to hear of your neighbor's son's suicide! Just a few days ago I thought I felt the touch of God's love. Now I'm back to questioning his existence. Seriously. I'm just not sure anymore. Or at least I'm not sure tonight.

Leah - Just hugs, my friend...just hugs!

Kathy - I know you don't have time to take time to rest, but I am worried about you. Just sayin'...I hope you can rest tonight and your cold miraculous disappears! Bless you!

Trudi - I love Nat King Cole. Thanks for sharing Starburst with us.

Sherry - Your dream was just precious! I had tears in my eyes and a smile on my face as I read how you kissed her little back before buttoning her little dress.

My mind just went blank and I know there were others I had planned to comment to. I did read your posts...all of them.

Peace everyone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Chris]

Something went way wrong.....sorry. I thought this site was able to resize any photo to be able to attach it.

Maybe I should just give up...... .

That is the biggest cardinal I've ever seen in my life

[mysonrich]

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places,” Hemingway

(http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/03/nyregion/03neediest.html?emc=eta1)............a story in the NYTimes. makes me think of Greg and Brian

Betty, so glad that others shared the memory of Stephen this Thanksgiving.

Sherry, beautiful dream.

I've been up half the night. how is it that I am now running late?

[lostwoher]

I want to apologize to those who were in chat yesterday. I really dont like having somebody looking over my shoulder reading my conversations so I left without saying a word. Also my dinner was ready Would like to chat again soon.

Our tree is up with little help from me. I did good just bringing the stuff in from the garage.

We try to keep the apt set at 68 day & night. If the oven is being used then it gets too hot so we turn the heater down but look out when the cooking is finished because it cools off very fast. We dont even use the heat in the bedroom. Must say it gets downright cold in there the first step out from the blankets. Apparently I have been snoring alot so Ive been sent to the couch the past few nights

Greg, magnificent work on the speech. Straight from the heart.

Beautiful dream of a beautiful angel. If only..

Wishing you well soon Kathy. Rest rest rest.

Betsy, it doesnt matter how long I have been awake, Im always running late.

Keep the faith Susannah! We too have the electric heat with their own thermostat. I really like being able to adjust the heat in each room.

Safe travels Carol & Ralph

Thank you for watching the video of Kayla. Every time I hear the song on the radio I can see each of her pictures scrolling through my mind.

Swell, I have lost track of my thoughts. Thank you everyone for sharing yourselves here.

[Guest msnher]

Good Morning, Indigos.

Thinking of all of you.....Sarah, you have been on my mind a lot. My prayers are with you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Thanks Betsy, that was a lovely article. It is the healing that she needs and that she brings to others: synchronicity like Greg working with others through BP.

HEy, are you guys using chat? What time, I would love to join in? I went in at the start of this new piece but nobody was there at that time and I totally forgot about it. If you know when y ou are going to chat, or most apt to, let me know.

Sherry, nurse this cold as best you can. I am 6 weeks out from it and still it lingers, certainly not as it was but still here causing me to still cough and sneeze. IT is a long lasting upper resp. viral issue, so be kind to yourself so that you don't get all the way run down.

Love to all,

dee

[Chris]

Did any of you consider professional help after your child died? I really don't know what they can do about anything since they can't bring my son back.

I feel like I'm sinking into a pit and I can't get out. It's like this depression is consuming me.

Being sad takes a lot of energy.

I think it's the holiday.

I can be totally distracted for about 30 minutes then I feel this anxiousness come over me. At first I have no idea what it is but I'm starting to reconize it now. It just builds up & up like someones discriction of a tsunami. It literally comes over me, consuming me until I'm so broken I can't function. I can feel it coming but I have no idea how to stop it. My youngest son Aaron has a high school wrestling tournament tomorrow that last all day long. There are around 20 schools that come to this so it's pretty big. I don't get through a day without a total breakdown. I am going, I won't miss Aaron's events because that would have crushed David.

I think what I'm dreading is when I get around people that know my son died but haven't seen me since it happened, you can see it in their eyes when they make eye contact, they look sad, want to come and hug me and tell me how sorry they are for me. I can't get through a moment like that without crying.

Uuuuggggg, I'm just having a bad day.

I just want to talk to David. I need to hear his voice, to just hug him. I need him like I need oxygen. :'(

I finally posted some pictures in the gallery.

[briansdad]

Hey all my friends here, Do you remember the assignment I asked all of you to do? Tell us what you would do if you had one more day with your child.I saved all your replys but sadly they were on the hard drive that failed. I decided to put togther a book of our stories. I want to call it One More Day.If you want your story in it I'd like ...if possible for those of you who replied last time to see if you can find the story you wrote and send it to me @ Gklocke@att.net For the new people here your welcome to send one as well if your up to it.I know when I wrote mine I smiled an awful lot.

Peace

Greg

[westleysmom]

Lynn-I watched the video of Kayla. She was so beautiful. I liked the picture near the last part where she had her head laying down on her shoulder. And the picture in the pet carrier was so funny. Thanks for sharing. I have a dvd of the one they made for us of Westley's pictures at the funeral home, but not sure how to get on here. I haven't watched it since then. A friend had made a copy of some video that she made at her home a month or two before. Westley was working on their house with the rest of the guys and she had a new camera and was just messing around with it. It is the last video of him that I know of. She brought it to us at the funeral home. It was mostly her husband, but Westley is there tearing out some windows or something. I've watched it a few times, but not much. It hurts too bad just yet.

Greg-Not ignoring your request, just still not equal to the task. Good last minute luck on your speech. So sorry for the neighbor's whose son died.

Christina-I read your whole blog about the days leading up to David's death. I'm so sorry, that's all I can say. When we got to the hospital the morning that Westley was taken there by ambulance,after his friend found him on the couch, they asked me to sign some papers giving them permission to treat him. It gave me some momentary hope, but then when that girl left, three other people came in the room and I knew. I knew it was too late and that there had been nothing they could do and he was gone and my heart shattered when all the air went out of the room. I took my husband's hand and I was holding on so tight, willing them to say something different. Something that was not "I'm sorry". But they didn't say something different, and it was over, just like that. My baby was gone and I had to keep breathing. It still doesn't seem real. I had called my daughter's house on the way to the hospital, but I had to call her and tell her, after they let us see him and I collapsed on the floor. And I had to call my sister to ask her to go to my mother's house to tell her. And our pastor, and other family. I have felt that God abandoned me and our whole family early that morning. I try to have faith, but sometimes I just want my baby back, so I won't need it.

I have not had professional help, but I know others on here that have. I may need to have professional help, but just trying to muddle through right now. The holidays are hell, and then it gets to be January, his angel date on the 13th and birthday on the 19th. I hope I make it through.

Can't tell you what to do to make it through the wrestling tomorrow. I know those things seem never-ending, though. Be sure you're stocked up on tissues in your purse. People understand when you cry, I believe, but that doesn't mean they don't wish you wouldn't. But if you can't help it, you just can't. Good luck to Aaron, football and wrestling? I heard a song by Kenny Chesney this morning called "Boys of Fall" or something like that about high school football, and it made me cry. We always wanted Westley to play football, but he wasn't interested. He was built like a football player. He tried wrestling when he was younger, but didn't stick with it. One year at the county fair, he boxed, but he didn't win. It was hard for me to watch, but I did watch. It was in June of 2008.

Westley had walked away from more "edges" than I can count. He had wrecked nearly every vehicle he ever drove. Never had a scratch. I thought he was charmed and I was wrong. I don't know if his guardian angel was asleep at the wheel this time or what. I'll never understand this.

Trudi-I loved the Stardust video and thinking about your Mama and Daddy dancing to the sweet music. I hope you are doing okay at the beach.

Carol-I can't remember where you're going with Ralph, but I hope you have a good time.

I had a dream last night. It was very strange, but it seemed to describe my life since January 13. In the dream, I was supposed to get in my car and follow someone somewhere, I didn't know how to get there on my own and was supposed to keep up. I was driving my 1996 Impala SS that I got rid of several years ago. I got in the car and started driving, but everything was wrong. I was in traffic, but I was facing the wrong way. The car was facing backward, so I was going the same direction as everyone else, but the car was in reverse and I couldn't see where I was going, I could only see where I'd been. So I was seeing the same thing as everyone else, but it all looked different and wrong. Everything seemed to have a carnival ride effect. Isn't that the strangest dream? It was like the car was set on cruise and just going along and I couldn't speed up or slow down, or stop. I finally got the car off the road, kind of in a construction site with loose gravel and dirt. The car was balanced on a ledge that was almost but not quite wide enough for the whole car to be stable on it. I was trying to figure out how to get out of the car without tipping it over, and that's all I remember.

I didn't know people were getting in to chat, would like to try that sometime.

Kathy-Good luck with the big move this weekend. Other grandmother is crazy, you are right to only let her see your boy when you are around. I guess that goes without saying after the recent fiasco, but I thought I'd say it anyway.

My thermostat is usually right around 68 during the cold part of the year. During the summer, I set it higher because it gets so hot in TN.

Sherry-What a sweet dream about your lovely little Lisa. Kissing that sweet little back and seeing that cotton dress with the buttons undone so you could do it. You are in my thoughts often.

Crying off and on most of the time these days. The holidays are so hard. But I am preaching to the choir, right? Thinking of you all and hoping you are making it through these days without them.

[rlolheiser]

Greg, I am so sorry to hear about your young neighbor. I wish I could understand this world. It seems that there is so much sadness for your young people anymore and they aren't able to handle things. It is hard to believe that there are so many out there without that last bit of strength to fight, it breaks my heart. It frightens me as I watch my own grandchildren try to survive in the world, I keep telling them that there isn't anything that bad.. that they are strong enough to handle anything.. then I worry they won't. I pray for strength for his parents, and all the people around him.

I would love to catch a chat sometime with you all, I know it would be a hit and miss situation but it would be nice to talk in the same time span :-)

Mom is coughing a bit, I called the dr. to tell her, but she just told me to push fluids, and rest and call monday. I hope she lasts that long. I just have a bad feeling about it, I hope things stay ok, I fear that she will get sicker, and then come monday I will be blamed again for not taking care of her right.

Rhonda, hugs.. it is a tough time for you, and words can't say anything.. just know you are loved.

well.. gotta run.. mom beckons..

[shorty16]

Greg

I read you post about the parents living in your neighborhood whose 14 year old son took his own life. There are no words that can be spoken at a time like that.

I think it was great you could be there for them. May the Lord be with them

Colleen

[hoosiermom]

Thank you all for your comforting words in regards to Brianna's cause of death that I posted yesterday.

Rhonda and David's mom I totally know where you're at right now, I had a complete meltdown this morning before I left for work. Arguing with my 14 yr old, she can be so full of attitude, I turned off a lamp and my coat sleeve knocked a picture frame of Brianna to the floor and the word "love" on the top broke off...well that was it, I sobbed one of those gut-deep sobs, just fell apart completely. The frame can be fixed, no permenant damage done. My ex texted me earlier this week that he had put a blanket on her grave and I should get over there to see it before it snows and covers it up, well by the time I get home from work it's dark, and we have snow starting tonight, 2-4 inches and that was like the final straw I guess.

David's mom--I saw a grief counselor shortly after Bri passed, and I took my youngest daughter with me (she went through the whole ordeal with me on Bri's last day, she was in the room and watched her sister die) Always the momma, I was more concerned for her than myself. My employer allowed us 6 visits at no cost. Then, I attended a Grief Share 13 week seminar. Did it all help? I'm sure it did, in some ways. Yes grief is exhausting and I think we just have to go through it, there is no way to fast forward the process. I don't think anyone can tell you for sure if seeing a counselor will help, it's something you'll find out for yourself. My feeling is, what can it hurt? Peace to you for your all day wrestling event....David will be with you no doubt. Love the pics you put in the gallery, what a handsome young man.

I keep the thermostat at 68 and even then we wear sweaters (old house with 10 ft ceilings!)

No tree up at my house, no decorations either. I am not interested and nobody else is stepping up to do it. It frustrates me because if I don't put it up and we go through Christmas without a tree, my girls will never let me live down "the year we had no tree" and yet they aren't willing to put it up either. Sigh. We are at a standoff, it seems. I think maybe they are trying to "make" me celebrate

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.

Jenn

[westleysmom]

Jenn-No tree at my house yet either. I've always done it by myself and just can't bring myself to. It doesn't take much these days to send me into meltdown mode. It took nearly two months to find out the official cause of death for Westley and even though I knew what it probably was, and was right, it was still very draining to finally hear. I still feel guilty over something that I had no control over. Peace to you dear friend.

Christina-and I looked at your pictures of David too, but forgot to mention. What a handsome man. Thinking of you

Sonya-It was nice to see DANIELLE smiling too and I forgot to say so. I'm so scatterbrained these days.

Betsy-I read the story of the lady who works with hospice. I don't know if I could do it, but I admire the strength of those who can. The hospice workers when my Daddy died were so kind.

Leah, Marcia, Betty, Susannah, Dee, all I forgot to mention by name, take care

[coryjsmom]

Lynn - that was me chatting with you last night. Don't worry about signing out. I guessed you were busy. I chatted with a really nice lady for a bit who lost her husband. She was new and I directed her to the Loss of a Partner thread. Hopefully someone there will answer her if she posts.

I would love to chat with anyone who wants. Why don't we set up a time tonight and whoever can join, please do. Who wants to suggest a time? I am free all evening, as usual.

I think it was David's mom who asked about professional help. I did go to a counselor about 6 months after Cory died. She helped me alot. I was about to leave my husband and she helped alot with that. It was not a good marriage for many years. She cried with me when I cried about Cory. She was truly amazing. I just went back to her yesterdy to help with some anxiety issues. She is not covered by my insurance which makes it really difficult for me to afford it. I also see a gentleman at the same location. He is covered by my insurance and is really good but not the same as this lady. She helped me through some really rough times. I would highly recommend counceling when the time is right. It's good to talk about your feelings and just let the sadness out.

I haven't put up a tree yet either. All the decorations from years ago were left at the house when I left my husband. I don't think I could ever use those again so I came up with the idea for an angel tree in memory of Cory. It's different kinds of gold angel ornaments. I think I will put it up next weekend.

Anyone want to chat tonight? How about 8:00 pm EST?

[Guest msnher]

Greg - Do you remember the time frame when you gave that assignment? Then I will know where to look.

I bought Stephanie's ornament or this Christmas. A white, sparkly butterfly. It made me feel good. My original intention was to buy an ornament, in honor of her each year.....but, now I'm thinking maybe I'll put all new ornaments on the tree and call it "Stephanie's tree".

I went to a therapist for a while and got on anti depressants. I also joined a face to face grief support group. I'm thinking I might need to go back to therapist, but I want to go to a different one. I just haven't mustered up the energy to actually pick up the phone and make an appointment. Well you make the appointment and then they expect you to show up and to showing up means I have to actually get out of bed and brush my teeth and take a shower and get dressed. I'm tired just thinking about it!

Tonight is dinner and a movie with family...at home. Lasagna and a disney movie.

Peace every one

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

PLZ PRAY FOR A 23 YR OLD GIRL HERE IN OUR TOWN...SEEMS SHE TOOK TO MANY PILLS (NOT CONFIRMED)...AND IS BRAIN DEAD AND SHOULD PASS ANY TIME...WE NO HER PARENTS...SO SAD HER NAME IS LACIE...

[Chris]

I'm praying for Lacy.

[daveydow1]

Chris----I went to counceling for a short while after Davey died. I do believe it helped some, and it's good to let

your feelings out to an objective, trained person who seems to be a good 'fit' for you. I think that one soon has

a 'feeling' as to whether the councelor is one that you can relate to......if not,....try finding another one that is. I

wish you well with it. I had a good laugh about my BIG cardinal pic. I obviously goofed.....( nothing new for

me when trying to post a pic......once in awhile I get lucky)......Everyone here knows that I'm not that adept at

posting pics. .

Leah, Susannah,Betsy, and Dee-------Thanks friends for your kind words about my dream of Lisa in her little dress. It

was like a wonderful early Christmas present.

Jenn-----I agree----grief and sorrow are very exhausting. Just an unavoidable part of this lousy road we're on. Peace to you.

Rhonda----I know what you mean about guardian angels not being there the day our children died. Dave had a Guardian

Angel medal in his car the day he was killed. It didn't protect him, and we never got it back......never found it among his

belongings at home. I guess it was there for all the other 20 people and the trucker who fell asleep and ran over his car,

but not for Davey. Our angels are now beyond any kind of danger now......no danger in heaven. Thanks for you dear words

about my dream of Lisa.

Dee-----My goodness---your cold is still hanging on.....I did see on t.v. that these viral colds/cough can hang on for 8 wks.

Did we have such things in the past......not decades ago, but just a few years ago?? Maybe we did, and I just didn't pay

any attention. Thanks for the advice. I don't have the cough (yet).....but mostly settled in the sinuses ......headaches.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

I remember Greg, though did not do the assignment, if I am able, I will.

thanks.

I am so sorry about your neighbor's Boy, how terribly sad for them, for you.

I will talk some more later, must catch up on reading.

I did go to therapy, I highly reccomend it but it is necessary to find someone you feel comfy with. THat could take time and it does take energy, but I am blessed to have gone, may go back again one day to deal with the PTSD that pops in now and again. I went for two years, stopped but PTSD hit at 4 years and went back for a bit. Grateful.

[lolynbo]

LACIE DIED ABOUT 30 MINUTES AGO...HER FAMILY IS NOW LIKE US....SO SO SO SAD

[ericasmom]

I am so sorry that Lacey died Lor, so sad. Wow, what a week of losses in this world, of young ones that for whatever reason, we could not reach.

Prayers.

Sherry, yes this is that upper resp. that is lasting 6-8 weeks in many folks, including kids. Several kids came down with it the same week as me, still have some elements of it.

[summergirl]

Lorri - I am so very sorry about Lacie, my prayers for her family and for you too my friend...Hugs

Just wanted to say hello - last night in this house and I am feeling the walls crumbeling......will talk to all soon. Love you, Kathy

[rlolheiser]

so sad for the loss of Lacie, my heart is heavy and my prayers for all famlies who have lost their loved ones.. even us here at BI..

[ericasmom]

Kathy Dear,

the walls come crumbling down, but soon you will feel your surroundings bearing the beauty of Your Girl and the Life you have made in her light. I know this must be so very difficult, leaving the place you and Barry raised your Children, you are not abandoning Jess, you are taking her with you to build new walls, and all freshly painted too. Jess goes with you no matter where.

Good luck tomorrow, wonderful luck in fact, as your residence changes and you are made to start anew. Blessings in this new place.

Sorry to be so brief earlier, husband cooked dinner and was calling me to join him, and I do love someone else cooking now and again. About therapy, I know for me it was the most helpful thing, coming here at around 5 months in grief, and at 6 months, going to Karen. Karen was a therapist I had gone to when I had Erica. Having a girl put an emphasis on finding a therapist for me as I was an abused girl at the hands of my father. I was never unaware of it, but having Erica made me realize that all of my issues of living in the house I did, being abused, pretending it didn't happen in order to get along in life, in order to protect my Mom, and all the guilt that surrounds a child in these kinds of bad households, were going to explode in my heart. I had a girl to protect. I hovered as it was over Jonathan, just 2.5 years older than she. I never let him in a room with my dad unless I was there, but still, it was only a matter of time before he would affect one or both of them adn I needed to find someone to help me prepare to walk out of my parents lives. I knew that my Mom would never believe me, she would protect Dad, and I was right. A month after Eri was born, my parents disowned me. While it was extremely sad to me, losing the laughter my Mom and I shared, our times together not enough to pull her to me, to me and my kids, I was also relieved. I could raise them without the worry of his sickness invading their lives.

Anyhow, I went to therapy right before my folks disowned me, to this wonderful woman named Karen. I went to her upon having a daughter and stayed for about 4 or 5 years. I went back when I was in need of a bit of strengthening, and Eri went when seh was 7, when I found her so unable to express herself. Eventually, when I was dealing with divorcing Michael, I went back to Karen to once again, strengthen, and then upon the death of my Girl, I went back to Karen. So obviously, I have great respect for her, and I know I am lucky to have found so great a woman to talk with. She really helped me with guilt issues, with understanding grief adn how it affects us all a bit differently, and about how to find my balance again. Love that woman.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Another one step one breathe at time moment in your life. The ending of one story, the beginning of another. This one starring you, Barry & Tavian. The underscore, the memories of your past home that can never fade. With you as you move, good luck.

Lynn - From the cutest little face to a young woman, the video is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

As many might know Amanda has Mikes pics from when he was a child. I gave them to him to scan so I might have the originals. After he died she told me they were hers now and besides she didn't know how to scan them. She did manage to lay them out on a photocopier and sent sheets of them to Mike bio dad - you know the one that left when Mike was 4 and made brief appearances in the last years.

Dee - Yep the therapy is something that someone like me (?) thought was excellent for others. I was strong and could handle anything. But comes a time, an event that is like no other that sees us lost. I was directed to Rob, my psychologist for these past 3 years. He, like you all here, are the lights that lead me out of my abyss. That brings a peace between my head and my heart, not always, but most times.

Back in the hills for yet another weekend of ‘commitments’. Spent this morning lining up for the second hand books at Emily’s high school. Has it really been 11 years since I became a granma?

Greg - Great idea, the book. Don't remember what I wrote, a date in time might give me a starting point.

We shopped for Harmony’s Christmas gifts. A butterfly top in white with pink and purple butterfly skirt to match. We already have the Humphrey and Friends sticker and activities books for her. Hard to know where she is in her growning, it’s been almost four years..

Well, best be off, more to do than hours in the day.......Take Care Trudi and MD.

[mikesmum]

Well as always happens I do get sidetracked when I'm supposed to be 'doing'. I found the DVD that was played at Mikes service. As I watched those images I wondered how I could stop them and take a 'snapshot'. Browsing the toolbar I happend on just the thing. A snapshot option. Go figure. I have made a short album of some. This one though I thought I would share here.

He was 31 when he died, but you know there were so many years of growing where he was my baby boy.

Taken at a shopping Mall. A man was promoting the 'new' Polaroid camera. Needless to say my dad bought one, needed one for the grandson.

Micheal Shane circa 1976 I think. I know I was pregnant with Melissa bout then and she didn't arrive till late 76.

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

Tonight is my company Christmas Party. The party is being held at the Milwaukee Art Museum - better known as the Calatrava - named after the arcitect who designed the building. Since Milwaukee is on the shores of Lake Michigan, the museum is shaped like a ship with sails. The sails open and close - they are about 50 ft high - Really cool.

Last night we play sequence with Trevor - Aaron had to work and Michelle was a Jakes. Trevor won with the last card in the deck. I have never played sequence that long to use up all the cards. we had fun.

Thinking of all our angels

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

I'm so sorry to hear about Lacie! How old was she? Perhaps you already said, Lorri. So sad.

Today is moving day, Kathy. I would be excited for you but it's bound to be emotional and with you not feeling good and no rest it's sure to be an exhausting day all around. Asking that healing energy surround and protect you.

Micheal is just adorable, Trudi!

Have fun at the Christmas party, Colleen.

I know there's more, but my mind has gone blank.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I am still on a borrowed computer and have not been able to really connect as I would like

Trudie I love the picture of Mike. He is so cute and the new pictures of him and his kitten in the Gallery are so special.

Colleen have fun at the party The building sounds very special

Kathy I know the sadness of leaving the home with so many precious memories Peace to you.

Sherry loved the pictures My sister has a beautiful cardinal family living in the bushes, outside her kitchen I love to see them

Dee I hope your feeling better I agree seeking help is very important i am so sorry you experienced such trauma as a child.

Betsy I hope the cold spell has not hit your new home

Greg I cannot find my "One Last Day" article but feel I can remember it because it is my true hearts desire I will rewrite

Leah I hope mom is doing ok

Carol thinking of you and Ralph as you visit your daughter

Lorrie To all indigos I know there is much sadness in your hearts and I pray we all stand together during this difficult time

Holding you all deep in my heart

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I agree with the lovely Betty, Mike's photo is precious, so sweet, and so like the face I see on your Grandies.

Betty, thanks for your thoughts, growing up the way I did and so many others do, is why I find it imperative to work with kids and try to assist when they are feeling blue or sad or scared. I don't remember what you said happened to your computer?

Col, have fun, sounds like a lovely place for a gathering. Did it snow at your place?

It snowed here, is still snowing in fact, about 4 inches or so, it is beautiful outside. I walked for about an hour or so, never cold due to my UGGS and two pair of pants and a stormproof jacket. I don't look cute but I sure don't care. I wrote ERI in the snow with my feet and I felt that tug in my heart, the tears forming, the sting. The birds were active in the feeders at the nature preserve, the ice forming on the slough. The trees were sleeved in white adn the sound of laughter and squealing from the sled hill warmed my heart. Memories of sledding with my kids or taking them sledding. Oh how I love to see the families bundled up and taking the kids outside.

Kathy, I know that you are busy and going a bit mad with the work it is to move, but I am wishing you signs all day long of Jess letting you know that this move is a good thing.