Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Sherry, I should have known that they were waterlillies. So beautiful.

Carol, what a great picture book you are giving to Cathi, how thoughtful indeed, creative of you. I love the heart turkey breast. I love Jackie the nurse who told you what was in her heart. Have a good trip with Ralph, no snow for you two, just smooth roads ahead.

Kathy, that cold is what I had, and the doctor said the same thing. It lasted way too long, and some of that is because I didn't stop and just rest for a few days, it made it worse. I know that you have to get moving, but your health is worth so much more. Be careful.

Goodnight everyone,

love and peace

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

Well, we did it, we put our tree up. I decorated it last night with very little help from my busy family.

Brian never saw our faux tree. I bought it after Christmas 2007. We went through all the ornaments and made several piles. One to keep, One for good will, one for garbage and one to burn. Yes, burn. Scott and I decided we did not want to keep all of the ornaments, just the ones that mean something (which are not many). The others I could not stand the thought of in a land fill - so we burned them in our backyard fire pit. It was theraputic.

For some reason, it seems a bit easier this year. Perhaps after 2 years of avoidance, we are able to do this.

Thinking of all my fellow indigo's.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Dan

Your thought are NOT total nonsense. I too read the book. Personnally, the book gave me peace. I can see where you would be mad that you could not see Nick - that is understandable.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts - you are just as crazy as the rest of us.

Did your wife read it? If so, what did she think?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

WOW Greg, you public speaker you

A speach in front of hundreds maybe thousands of people at the USA Bereaved Parents Candle-light

The Bereaved Parents USA Candle lighting is NEXT Sunday (12-12-2010) or this Sunday (12-5-2010)

Please correct me if I am wrong, but a candle is lit at 6pm in your own time zone for our angel. This happens all around the world. So Trudi in Australia will light her candle and 15 hours later in Wisconsin, I will lite mine - both at 6pm Sunday.

Please tell me this is happening on the 12th? We are going to the Packer Game this Sunday!!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Chris]

Good morning Indigo's and all our Angel's.

I've been attempting to keep myself busy with projects since my mother in law said this is what helped her during those first 6 months but I find I start things then get distracted and forget I even started it. I have so many half started projects that I can't get myself to go finish them. I've never been scatter-brain before and I hate unfinished business. I hope this is just a phase & not part of the new me. That would be funny that I would in up being my own pet peeve.

Yesterday was the first time in 2 months & 3 days that I didn't cry. I teared up a couple times but I never out right cried like I've done the past 2 months. When I woke up and realized it I felt so guilty.

Looks like I have lots of reading to catch up on here.

[Guest msnher]

Greg - I am anxious to read your speech.

Chris - I am naturally scatter brained. I'm even worse since Steph died. I spent a few months "getting busy" with projects recently and that did help. It seems it the normal, regular, daily living chores and activities that can send me into a sobbing mess. Maybe it's because I can do them without thinking and my mind automatically turns to Stephanie. One of my early journal entries says "I found the trigger to that searing pain....trying to live normally." I, too, felt guilty the first time I felt reprieve from the pain. I felt like I betrayed Stephanie. I have since found I feel closer to her when I am not weighed down by the weight of my sorrow. Unfortunately, I seem to have little control over it.

I like the book, "Embraced by the light" be Betty Eadie. I didn't finish reading 90 minutes in Heaven. Don't know why. "The Shack" is fiction, but I like it because the experience the main character (can't remember his name) has when he sees his little girl is similar to the dream I had right after Steph died. There's a lot of other parts of the book that I like, too....but, that one I can relate to. In short, I want my own near death experience without having to die to get it. The movie "Hereafter" brought a lot of comfort to me.

Well, I guess I have to do some chores......wish me luck!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Bob was one of my dearest friends. He was not a Christian but he "loved us because we gave him lots of holidays to celebrate"...(chuckle) He was one of the most educated people I knew. He owned a book store and was a professor of literature at the college. He often spoke by quoting Shakespear (rolling my eyes). He was a Leo Tolstoy fan and often told me I was waisting my brain on the garbage I read. He was almost 80 when he died of cancer. He died in his home on his own bed surrounded by friends. Just before he took his last breath, he opened his eyes, smiled and said "Exquisite!"

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Chris]

Susannah I've heard of the book 90 min in heaven. I wonder if reading would be a project I can finish. I also fall apart doing my use to be normal activities.

I almost forgot. I had my first dream of David since he died. At least I think it was a dream.

Something happened to me, not sure what but I was on the threshold of death, like in a hospital & they are trying to revive me. I see David in front of me & the joy was so overwhelming that I screamed out and took off running to him. I got right to him to hug him & he put his arm out to me and said, "No mom, not yet, it's not your time". I started crying and said, "I thought there was no pain in heaven" David smiled and told me there isn't, he said it's not my time that I needed to go back for Ariel & Aaron, they needed me. I was so torn but seeing him filled me with such a peace I knew I couldn't stay. I ask if I could please hug him. He smiled so big and said "Yes, I just needed you to understand you can't stay and I knew if you hugged me first I wouldn't be able to convince you". He wrapped his arms around me so warm & so complete that I could smell him in my soul. I don't remember anything after that but that was enough. I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep so I could see him again but Ariel was up and going strong. There's no slowing down a 2 year old.

[ericasmom]

Chris, what you experienced was a visit from your David. He was with you and listen to the ultimate message, NO PAIN IN HEAVEN, and one day you will see him again. He was letting you know, and letting you know what is needed of you here on Earth, his siblings need you. He is watching from his new post, just out of sight adn reach, but never very far. HOW WONDERFUL a visit. Did you have a super amount of energy after that? I do after a visit, and they are few adn far between but they happen when we most need reassurance I think, giving proof again that our Babies are right next to us when they need to be.

[Chris]

Dee yes I was so excited, I wanted to go back to sleep & see him again. I am also filled with a peace I haven't had since his death that I needed for however long it lasts.

I had just been talking about how desperately I needed to hear his voice. Right before I went to bed I looked at his picture on my desk and ask him what he was doing right that moment, was he happy, was he changed. I love to think he was visiting me. If he did that all the time I don't think I would ever wake up.

[briansdad]

Well here it is. I'm not a great writer but it's from the heart.

Good afternoon, parents, grandparents, siblings, family members and friends. I want to welcome back those of you who have been to our candlelight before. To the new parents, I’m sorry about the circumstances that have brought you here, but I’m grateful that you are here to honor the memory of your children.

The reason I’m standing up here today is because on September 30, 2004 my oldest son Brian died in a motorcycle accident and I was forced to learn what it means to be a “bereaved parent.”

I was born the 5th of 6 children in our large family. Growing up, I was in awe of my father. He always seemed larger than life to me. He was in my eyes a hero. However, he passed away suddenly when I was only 7 years old. From that time on, I knew that all I wanted to be when I grew up was a Dad.

My wonderful wife Jan and I married in May of 1977 and on April 19th 1980 my dream of becoming a dad came true. We were blessed with our son Brian Gregory Klocke. The experience of being a first time father was without a doubt a real eye opener for me. It made me realize how hard it probably was for my Dad with 6 kids. I was only dealing with one. Some days though with Brian It was like having more than one child. He was everywhere.

He was a very sensitive boy. I remember when I sold an old bass boat we had. I was taking it over to the house of the guy that bought it. Brian was about three at the time. As we were rolling it into the guys garage Brian started to cry because we were getting rid of his boat. He did however cheer up when I told him we had a new one to pick up.

Brian was the kind of kid who would have done very well as an only child but as fate would have it, just over a year later on May 17th 1981, we welcomed our second son, Rob. Jan really had her hands full taking care of Rob, so Brian became my responsibility by default. I spent quite a lot of time with Brian. If I was working on my car there he was asking what I was doing. If I was working around the house there he was handing me a tool whether I needed it or not.

He was very into how things worked, taking things apart and putting them back together, and not always successfully I might add.

I guess that was where he got the love of working on cars. If he wasn’t doing something to make it faster he was doing something to make it look better.

As I reflect back, I have come to realize that Brian left behind the gift of special memories for each of us.

Being the oldest he was always trying to boss his younger brother Rob around. As they grew older it was good to see them develop a friendship that I had always hoped they would have. The last time they saw each other was family day at Rob’s college. When we were getting ready to leave the boys hugged which didn’t happen too often. It warmed my heart to see that. Little did we realize what a gift that hug would become.

Our 3rd child Jessica was born Feb. 28 1984. From the beginning he played the role of big brother well. I look back at some of the old photos and she is usually sitting on his lap. I don’t remember if it was planned that way or if he insisted on holding her. I enjoyed watching him teach her about cars so no one could take advantage of her. He was very patient with her as he would teach her how to change her oil and other general maintenance.

Brian was always very protective of his younger sister. He had many young men wondering if it was a good idea to try to date her. Brian’s last night on earth was spent with Jessie. They were at a party together to see one of Jessie’s friends off to Iraq. We would come to see that was her gift.

My wife Jan’s gift came in the form of a surprise visit home for lunch with her, one day, in that last week of his life. Like most young men, his favorite question for his mother was, “What’s here to eat?”

The morning he died, which was a beautiful early fall day with crystal clear blue skies and just a touch of fall chill in the air, he wanted to borrow some leather motorcycle gloves I had in my room.

He knocked on our bedroom door, and if I close my eyes, I can still see him peeking in the bedroom to see if we were awake. Brian’s mom was in the shower and I was lying in bed watching the news. He asked to borrow my gloves and I told him where they were. Then he walked over to me.

I’m sure everyone here knows what a purple nurple is. We always acted like we were going to do it to one another just to see the other person jump back. He walked over and acted like he was going to get me and the best I could do was jerk the covers up to my neck. Then he leaned over and gave me a big bug’s bunny kiss on the forehead. I guess that was my gift. That was the last time I saw him in this world.

He rode off to go to work in Washington, MO. He decided to detour to go see his daughter, Alyssa, off to school. She lived with her mom, Brian’s ex-girl friend in New Melle, so it wasn’t out of his way. He kissed his daughter goodbye, and rode away to his date with eternity.

Brian, like many of our children who died so young always seemed to be on a fast track through life. You know, in a hurry to do everything. His daughter was one of those things that were part of his rush through life. I now see she was also a gift.

I am so thankful I was able to see him grow as a father. He was a good one. She was everything to her daddy. She was only 5 when he died but she still tells me things she remembers about her dad.

As a parent I’d like to think I knew my son, but after his funeral many of his friends opened my eyes to show me what a man Brian had become. He was a good friend who would, at the drop of a hat, be right there if you needed help. They were amazed at what a good Dad he was, being one of the first of his friends to have a child. He touched so many lives in a positive way. I had no idea a person could leave such a legacy in only 24 years.

This brings me to my 6 year journey. I thought I’d never be at the place I am today. My family, BP USA and all my friends from the St Peters Group are responsible for my being here today.

In the early days after the numbness went away the pain and the reality that he was gone set in. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I just didn’t do anything. About 3 months in I knew I was on the edge of losing it and it could have meant any number of things. I knew I had to do something. I was angry because I couldn’t fix it. Dads are supposed to fix things you know. So I went so see a counselor at St Josephs Hospital in St Charles. He recommended I check out a Bereaved Parents group in St Peters. I knew from the first meeting that I was where I needed to be. They all GOT it. As the months grew into years I can’t say when, but at some point I felt that I was no longer going for me but was going to show others that there was some kind of hope. I did think about just walking away and saying hey I’m better now I don’t need to go any longer but the thought of doing that just didn’t sit right. How could I turn my back on a group that saved my life? So I got involved. It seemed the more I worked on helping others the less I thought of my loss. That’s not to say there are no hills or valleys, they aren’t as high or as deep. I used to think of words from a song by Billy Joel often, “Do what’s good for you or you’re not good for anybody”. I do believe that. Helping to make someone else’s pain a little softer, to lend a sympathetic ear, and helping my new friends help others. I knew, that’s what’s good for me.

So many of our children have left such an impression in this world and it has shown me that one person can make a difference in ways I could never imagine.

It was then I decided to do whatever I could do to help other Bereaved Parents. It is the least I could do to say thank you for saving my life. Mere words are not enough. I want all of you to look inside of yourselves wherever you are in your journey and see if you can make a difference. It doesn’t have to be on a grand scale but as our children have shown us one person can touch so many lives. We should look to their example and see how we can help parents who will come after us. If you can reach out to one parent it would be a legacy your child has left behind through you.

Think about it.. One person can make a difference. Maybe it could be you.

[mikesmum]

Greg - To be a great writer it does have to come from the heart. Such a heartfelt, honest speech. Such warmth in your story, such memories of that boy Brian. I smiled with the words What’s here to eat?”, ahhh those days when hi was second to a search of the fridge and pantry.

I wish you well on the day, I know you have the connection and compassion. I see it here each time you post.

Chris - So glad you dreamt about your boy. Sorry about the 2 year old, but hey, they have a focuss of their own.

I did have a dream about Mike in the earlier days. Restful sleep was something that eluded me for the first years after Mike died. Waking would see me more tired. I would drift off and wake thinking of Mike. This one night I drifted and there was Micheal in a bright white room. So bright I squinted and there he was. He smiled and told me he was okay, no pain. He was standing tall & that smile..... That morning I woke, like you wanting to fall back and see him again. But more than that I was smiling, rested.

Ahhh the power of our children.

Trudi

[westleysmom]

Greg-That is a great speech. Of course I cried most of the way through it. I'm sure you'll do a great job.

I read 90 minutes in Heaven, but I didn't get a whole lot out of it. Maybe I should read it again. I've recently read another book kind of like it, but I can't remember what its called. A lady at my church whose son died in 2000 gave it to me. She has always gone to Compassionate Friends and encouraged us to go, but the meetings are an hour away and it has never worked out for us to go to one. It seems I have found on here the friends that I needed when I needed them and I haven't really felt like I've needed to go. Her son Jeremy was two or three years older than Westley and his birthday and angel day were both in January, too, like Westley's. Her older daughter had a small child when Jeremy died, just like mine, so we have a lot in common. She has been a good friend to me, just like you all. I don't know if I would have made it this far without losing my so-called mind if I hadn't found this place.

I've had a few dreams with Westley in them, but can't remember much when I wake up. I sleep so hard, but don't feel as rested as I should when i wake up. Maybe someday I'll have a beautiful dream that will make me feel better like some of you have had.

I hope we all have sweet dreams of our angels tonight.

[Chris]

That is a very heartfelt touching speech. Well done!!!!

I like the wording of "gifts" from your son. My son's "gift" to me was making me laugh so hard & making me feel very loved. It was my birthday and he told me I didn't need to have any more because I was getting too old. I gave him my mama look that made him laugh and then he hugged me and said "Ya know I love ya". Within 2 hours he was in a coma. I still hear his laugh and his final words to me. I wonder now what gifts he gave others. I've been so caught up in my own pain I don't know others last stories of David. Now I want to know.

[nicksdad]

Greg...It was amazing......I went to a Compassionate Friends once and what was read sounded scripted to me...What you wrote comes from

the heart and it shows...Great job.

[mysonrich]

Greg, well done. do you mind if I share this with a co-worker? He son was murdered. stupid gang's. and he wasn;t in one.

[Crystal16]

Good evening all,

Greg I loved reading your speach it will touch many parents who have heavy hearts, including me!

[mikesmomrs]

Greg: Wonderful speech...I felt like I was walking through Brian's life with you...tears fell as I read of your heartfelt sharing of your memories and your encouragement to "make a difference." Brian is beaming!

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[kmb22]

Edit

[summergirl]

Greg - what can I say that has not been said already....what an amazing journey you take people on as you read your words in front of so many....you are helping in so many ways and I for one am glad that you are there for all those who gather. Bless you.

Thank you everyone - I know I need to rest and I am trying - the thing is I do not feel so bad during the day, not great but not bad enough to stop....it is about 5 that I start to feel my body saying "REST" and I slow down..In bed by 8 on my laptop. Hopefully this won't last too much longer....

So, another BAD experience with the other "grandmother" - I am so mad and upset I could just, well, I guess I shouldn't say what I would do....Tavian tells Barry and I last night that he went to the Mall with Grandma, Diana, Daria and Ricky shopping. They went to the MacDonalds and there is the large "ball room" that you can play in so his grandma told him it was ok to go play and she would come get him when they were done eating....well, they left him there and went off shopping !!! He said he came out and he couldn't find them and he was crying and a policeman (security guard) found him, Tavian told him he couldn't find his grandma and everyone and would he please call his mi-mi and pop-pop to come and get him, so the guy called us but we were at the other house.....finally they found them and this is what "grandma" said to him "Oh, stop acting like a baby and crying, we were just down at the store" - CAN YOU IMAGINE HER DOING THAT !! I swear if I had got that phone call I would have been in my car and breaking the speed limit to get to him....Does she not know of all of the things that could have happened to him and to scare him like that is just beyond anything I can imagine. I checked my messages but the guard did not leave a message. Well, that is the last visit with Grandma and she is not going to want to hear what I have to say to her but too damn bad......She will never do anything to my sweet grandson ever again. Well, I feel much better now that I have shared that with all of you and gotten it out....

I so wish I could catch up on all the postings but will have to wait until I am in the other house and some what settled in....

Love, Peace and Strength to all, Kathy

[aim630]

Greg-Beautiful speech. I'm glad you made the decision to help other people who've recently lost one of their children. I personally don't think a counselor could help me, because unless he/she had experienced this, I don't think they could fully understand. It is the other parents who have been through this before who have been the greatest help to me. Like Brian, Ashley seemed to be on a fast track through life. I used to get frustrated with her for not taking things seriously, but now I see she had the right idea. Brian was a great son, father & friend.

I tried reading "90 Minutes in Heaven" but I too wondered why he got to come back to talk about it & Ashley didn't. I didn't make it very far into the book. My daughter's best friend visited a medium, and told me what she said. A lot of it could be good guessing (of course someone named Ashley would be young). She said Ashley liked to text alot, but that is true of any teenager or young adult. The things she did get right was saying Ashley was with someone named Sandy (my dad's nickname was Sandy, and he died 4 yrs before she did. They were very close), she saw a big baseball field (we went to a lot of Indians games together, and right after Ashley died I won tickets to 12 Indians games from an essay I wrote), and she kept mentioning cats, and we have 5 (yes, 5) cats. She mentioned a cat who was with Ashley in heaven, and one of our cats died about a year before Ashley did. This could have all been good guessing, who knows, but after I read it I felt better. I would like to believe it is true, but I'm not sure.

Chris-I had one dream where I really felt Ashley was there, and she told me she was ok. I also felt like my dad visited me once. That dream was unlike the other dreams I had about him. I'm glad David was able to let you feel a little peace.

The best book I've read was Beyond Tears,Living After Losing a Child. It was written by several mothers who had lost children, and shows that we all react differently to losing a child, although a lot of our feelings are the same. I don't know how many times I've read what one of you have written, and I feel exactly the same way.

Kathy-I can't believe that woman would leave Tavian alone while she went shopping! That is horrible-some people have no sense at all. I'm so glad the security guard found him & was able to safely return him before something terrible happened. It makes me angry that so many people hurt their children, or do stupid things like that,while all of us would do anything just to get our kids back.

still fighting this stupid cold-it sounds like a lot of you had something similar & it hung on for quite a while.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - I'm just livid with the other Grandma....I can only imagine how you must feel! There's no excuse for that...none. Not only did she leave him (completely unacceptable) she left him without telling him and then berated him for being upset. Just wrong. Period.

Greg - I loved your speech. That bugs bunny kiss is surely a precious treasure...like you said...a gift! We are so lucky for people like you who give back and help light the way for those of us new to this journey.

Peace to all Indigo's....

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[briansdad]

Greg, well done. do you mind if I share this with a co-worker? He son was murdered. stupid gang's. and he wasn;t in one.

nope, feel free

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

had my art class after school from 4-7 and then to Jonathan's house for dinner, he made spaghetti, was delicious. His girl Shan was out with a friend, so it was me and John and Jon. Anyhow, it was nice to be with him at his home.

Greg, wow, great speech. We are all standing there with you clapping as you deliver that piece of your heart. Everyone there will be shaking their heads yes, because they will be relating to you. You will help folks feel what you felt when you first attended BP: connected. Proud of you.

Kathy, that Grandmom just isn't very sensible, she has proved it again with this.

Sleep well All, dream well

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy: I have read some jaw-dropping things you've written about this woman, but this is just the worst...Tavian is 8, right?I wouldn't even leave Jamie, who is 12, in a spot in the mall alone, let alone without even telling him I was going to be gone!!!! This woman needs a horsewhipping! I am so sorry you all had to go through that, and for poor Tavian to be told to stop being such a baby...This is totally unacceptable. TOTALLY!!!

Karen---I belong to a Compassionate Friends group here near where we live, and we very unexpectedly had John Holland come to visit us last year, in October. He was totally amazing. He told us things that were so far beyond "guessing" that it was just chilling...I had an issue with Mike's favorite baseball cap and all of the Red Sox pins he had on it that we both had purchased when he and I went to games, and Sarah let it go in his coffin with him. I could never say anything to her---she was heartbroken enough, and we had already had a discussion (Sarah, myself and the funeral director) about the fact that she should keep Mike's ring, and that was enough for her to handle at the time, so I kept it to myself. Have never told her my feelings about it. My husband and daughter Cathi knew how I felt, but there is no way in any stretch of the imagination that John Holland could have found out about it. I don't even know if I'd ever mentioned it at any of the meetings... But, when he was there, he said he could see him, pulling at the bill of his cap, like a baseball cap, and he kept pulling at it and was saying "let it go, mom, let it go. I have the cap. It's okay. Let it go." I will never forget the feelings I had when he said that. It was just surreal. He even mentioned that there was something about a clover leaf involved with it...Mike's favorite pin on the cap of all of them was a four leaf clover with the Red Sox emblem of the sox superimposed on the cloverleaf. He said some pretty incredible things to all of us, except for two people, and he gave them a private reading the next month. He never charged for any of this.

Dee: It sounds so great about your having dinner with just Jon and John. I am so glad you had a nice time.

Chris: your dream...so incredibly wonderful...your beautiful son, coming to tell you that he is okay. A treasure to hold onto. thanks for sharing.

Ralph and I had a couple of "moments" on the way home from the eye doctor today. He started singing "Leader of the band" in the car, and then decided to bring it up on his Droid. (I was doing the driving.) Listening to that song just triggered something in me and he didn't realize that I was upset, as it was already dark outside, and he wasn't looking at me. When that song was over, he brought up "The Living Years" and by the fourth line I was gone. My heart just ached, and the tears came. I didn't say anything...I couldn't find my voice. Towards the end of the song, after the the part about "why can't we admit we just don't see eye to eye" Ralph turned it off and said "I can't listen to anymore." I found my voice enough to say "Thank you." He looked at me then and saw that I was crying. He said "that song just tears me up everytime I hear it." I said "Yes, I know, it brings back a lot of memories that I don't like to think about." Ralph and Mike had a pretty rough few years once Mike became a teenager---around about 14 or so, and then when Mike was in his 20's and doing his crazy years, it really got bad...they communicated, but not like one would want a father and son to do. It broke my heart, and of course, put me in the middle of a lot of their disagreements. I always beleived that Ralph should have made more of an effort to be part of Mike's life, and Ralph feels this way too,now. I know that this eats at him when he thinks about not having done so, so I never mention it. You can't change what's gone. When Mike chose to become Wiccan, Ralph said "That's enough. I want him out of the house." I stepped in and said "If we toss him out, who will he have to guide him back to where he should be, or where our own faith leads us to believe he should be?" (Mike was raised a Catholic and was very strong in his faith until his early 20's) (Mike lived with us off and on in his 20's because of his seizures...whenever he had one, he couldn't drive for six months and had to walk or ride his bike to work...his work was only 2 miles from where we lived.) The memories sometimes really hurt, and the only thing I can do with them is to put them away...I know that once Mike was in his mid to late 20's, things changed...a lot, Mike and I had always been close, no matter what was going on, and when he changed so much, in his later 20's, we became closer. Unfortunately, this didn't extend to Ralph...it just never "worked" like I had wished it would. They loved each other, but I guess just couldn't "admit they just didn't see eye to eye". Ralph and Mike did really bond after Mike was diagnosed, so I know that those last 17 months of his life, he knew how much we both loved him, and that eases my heart somewhat, but not enough, not enough...the ache for all of those lost years for them is always there, and always will be. We just don't speak about it.

Well, enough of that ranting...as I said, you can't change what's gone by. I could never mention this anywhere else, to anyone else, and I am glad that I have you guys to talk to and perhaps take a little of this particular pain away by talking about it.

Take care, all my indigo friends, thinking of you all, and keeping you in my prayers.

carol mikesmomrs

[Chris]

Carol, my son's natural father is kicking himself over & over for letting his own stubborn pride get in the way of his relationship with his son. It's lessons like these that teach us to never go to bed angry, always tell each other we love each other, forgive, listen & love like there's no tomorrow. I can't fix his heart ache of what if's but I can learn from them so that our grandsons, David's sons always knows no mater what we are here for them. The what if's beat me up too much to even think about. The song that is a big trigger for me is by Shinedown called Second Chance. David told me once that that song was his life. I hear the words to it now & just break hard. I had 2 songs played at David's funeral by this same group. I can listen to them all day long because David one time told me it was like these songs were written for him. One is called "Call Me" & the other is called Simple Man (it's the remake from lyndard skinner). When these songs came on both David's sons were singing and saying that's our daddy's songs.

Kathy, you are a very smart woman for stopping this woman from endangering your grandchildren. That is just friggin crazy. The missing children network & many laws that are put into place are due to a child that was taken from a mall back in the late 70's.

I love hearing that many of you have had dreams or visions of your Angel's too. This is so comforting.

I was thinking of getting the Christmas stuff down from the attic and start getting it ready to put out but I thought of David's stocking. I've hung that stocking for 26 years. This year will make 27. Just the thought of it makes me cry. I need to find some kind of strength and do this because of Ariel & Aaron but I'm really scared. I know bringing down the box with the angel he picked out when he was 8 years old that goes on top of the tree, the ornaments he made in preschool, his stocking that he picked out when he was little, it's all in that box.

Thank you all for being here. You are a lifeline for me.

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[mikesmum]

Karen - This is a favorite picture of mine. Its cropped from one I took when Steven had become a dad to Zak. Mike had always wanted children. He was already and Uncle to Emily. The beaming smile tells it all. I look at it and think of him looking down my lens.

Kathy - Isn't it time this woman was deported? I don't know why but she doesn't seem to value Tavian. He's not old enough to be left. Goddness, I held my breath when Emily told me she walks 750 metres to the corner store, ALONE!

Am back at the beach with a very lethargic puppy. Seems he might have a grass allergy that is knocking him around. He doesn't seem to want to move more than a foot from me and is sitting here with me as I type.

Just reading the calendar has made me soooo tired. Very busy with little rest.

Peace, hugs and dreams to you all.....Trudi and MD...

[mysonrich]

Simple Man, Christmas 2008, Richie’s last. After dinner he asked me to join him upstairs and listen to some music with him. He had just purchased a new big screen and all the rest .The song now takes me back to his mid-teen years. We were talking and that song pretty much sums up the words we exchanged that day in the kitchen.

The song was on Richie’s “program” at his service. The minster was reading the words,speaking of my boy. My old buddy, Raffaella “Alice”, spoke up,” why don't you sing it”? Wise ass. Rich would have loved it.

Betty, hope all is well with you . How is your sister?

Kathy, a smack upside the head might work for that “grandma”.

Trudi,love the pic!Christina, I understand wanting to go back to sleep. Very very good that you had a beautiful visit , and the warmth that wraps itself around you.

I took a step last night. I ordered tickets for the Christmas show performed by the Philadelphia Orchestra. The trees glowing in the windows of my neighbors , well, pretty but always the aching. Thought I would do something to take comfort in,enjoyment and new memories. I realize I haven;t really gone out in 2 years,almost. Here and there is all.

Everyone, peace.

[shorty16]

Betsy

Christmas of 2007 was also Brian's and my Mother's last Christmas. The photo from that day is priceless.

We bought my Mom a standing-mirror jewelry box for Christmas. Holds 400 pcs of jewelry. I now have that - including all the jewelry, safely in my bedroom. Her jewelry was comsmetic, mostly, only 2 real pieces out of the lot. But, some are very nice and I enjoy my selection. After Brian died, I did not have the energy to pick out jewelry - now, I am enjoying it again.

Betsy, your description of that last Christmas seems so calm and bonding. I do not remember too much of our last Christmas - must not have been too eventful.

Love to you all.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Chris - I don't think anyone's THAT good of a guesser......sounds like the real thing.

April 19, 2008 (Saturday). I was helping a friend at the holistic fair. I, too, am very sensitive and sometimes very gullible and oddly enough very cynical...all at the same time. It's weird to be such a contradiction in one person. Anyway, my friend is a registered nurse and does The Healing Touch, back by the National Nurses Association. I met her at a time when my hips were so bad I couldn't sit on the back of the motorcycle anymore...shoot, I could hardly sit (or stand) anywhere. I don't like doctors so I suffered through, but not without complaint. So, her brother in law, my friend, recommended her. I was able to go on a two hour bike ride following my first visit with her so I became her loudest cheer leader....hence, helping her at the holistic fair.

I had decided I would get a reading just for the hell of it. I usually shrug that stuff off..........even when I'm the one getting a visit......but decided I would just have fun with it. My friend recommended the one person I had decided to avoid. He was unkempt and had a sign out of a torn cardboard box with "Readings...$10.00" written in sloppy black marker. I didn't want to waste my money but it was only $10.00 so I went.

I was further taken back when he smiled and I saw his missing front tooth. One of his pant legs was half in his sock. And, he seemed a bit nervous. But, I sat down and he took my hands.

He was quiet for what seemed like a long time..."Your sister's here and she wants you to know she will never leave you." My sister!? I am the youngest of five girls. My mother gave one sister up for adoption before I was born, so I really only knew the other three. The four of us survived together. As far as I knew they were all fine. But, I just sat quietly. He then went on to say my sister was with a lot of angels and he went on to reveal a lot of our childhood that there was no way he could have known. I just thanked him and handed him my $10.00.

The next day I received the news that my sister had died. Dessie, two years older than me. She and I were like twins and best friends. At the time of the reading, the day before, she was unconscious in a hospital.....unbeknownst to me.

I went right back to Jethro and told him what happened. He hugged me because I was sobbing. He said he knows and that's why he was so nervous because he just couldn't tell me she was dying.

I haven't considered going to a psychic since Steph died.

Later.....

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid." Albert Einstein

Delivered to my email - wisdom for today....

[Guest msnher]

Oops! Amy - not Chris. Apologies to both of you!

[Chris]

Betsy a song was read at that David's funeral to. It was "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me.

My 85 year old Uncle Pete did David's service. He stayed with us during that week. I figured most of the music I had played was going way over his head since it was metal rock so I was trying to prepare him. I approched it like David would have, I first read the lyrics to Uncle Pete and explained to him why each song was being picked. The song Call Me by Shinedown was a song that had so many meanings. David would write some of the lyrics at the end of his letters. (Wrap me in a bolt of lightning, send me on my way still smiling, maybe that's the way I should go, straight into the mouth of the unknown, call me a sinner, call me a saint, tell me it's over I'll still love you the same). The bigger reason I picked this song was when David died he was smiling (send me on my way still smiling) then when we left the hospital the sun was setting the most amazing sunset ever, it was like heaven opened up to recieve David (straight into the mouth of the unknown). Uncle Pete ended up loving the song when I played it for him after he understood what the lyrics meant to me. In fact, my 85 yr old uncle took a copy of the CD I created for the funeral home with him to play. He's a little deaf so I'm sure he's rocking out to Shinedown & making his neighbors very curious. lol

The song Simple Man was the song David would sing to his sons all the time. We have the game Rock Band on the XBOX gamer (it's a fancy Karaoke with mic, drums & guitar). David and the boys would play it everyday and sing until the dog was howling. lol

When Simple Man came on the boys would always gather to their dad because they knew this was their song from daddy. I created a music video of David & his son's to that song that I'm going to give them for Christmas.

I love how music plays a big part in a lot of our Angel's life's. For David, he wasn't very good at expressing himself with words but he could tell you to listen to a certain song and for you to really pay attention to the lyrics and you would know exactly what he was trying to express. David was music.

I miss my baby very much right now. Maybe I should go listen to his music so he can talk to me.

[rlolheiser]

good morning, I just lost a big post to you all. :-) I know I should have done it someplace else first. I was just in a hurry.. seems I am that way a lot. I just take it that maybe I shared to much and gave to much information and was Gods way of telling me to sit back and think about it. So.. I will just tell you all I am thinking of you and will try to get back on later. the back is still killing me, but the knee is better. I guess I chalk it up to old age :-) hugs to everybody

[kmb22]

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[hoosiermom]

Love all the stories about songs....

After Brianna's services, I had a friend tell me that she had never heard such appropriate songs played at a funeral, she said each one was perfect. The first was the Barney "I Love You" song of course, because she loved Barney so much and she would get so excited every time she heard the first few notes. Then, I played Martina McBride's "In My Daughter's Eyes" (which I still cannot listen to without crying) Every year I would have a meeting at school for her, and her teacher in jr high would make a DVD of what the kids had done in that past year, and she would play it at the meeting. Brianna's DVD had this song on it, and I sat in that meeting with the teacher, principal and head of the special ed coop and cried my eyes out (and this was when Bri was living!) The lyrics are so appropriate:

In my daughter's eyes

I am a hero

I am strong and wise

And I know no fear

But the truth is plain to see

She was sent to rescue me

I see who I want to be

In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes

Everyone is equal

Darkness turns to light

And the world is at peace

This miracle God gave to me

Gives me strength when I'm weak

I find reason to believe

In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger

Oh it puts a smile in my heart

Everything becomes a little clearer

I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart

Has had enough

It's givin' more when you feel like givin' up

I've seen the light

It's in my daughter's eyes

(Getting teary-eyed just writing this) Being her mommy made me a better person. She taught me all about unconditional love and acceptance, tolerance, patience and compassion. She could never say the words I love you but the adoration in her eyes every time she looked at me spoke volumes. I remember so well how I would sit her in the lazy boy chair and she would watch me in the kitchen cooking dinner, and how she would almost turn her little head around trying to follow my every move.

I sat and held her hand when she passed. Through my tears I told her it was okay to go, that I loved her so much and would always love and miss her, but I knew she was tired and the angels were there to take her home. The look of peace on her face was unmistakable.

We handed out Sharpie pens at her graveside service and invited everyone to sign the lid of her casket....different I know, but I have found through this experience that there is no right or wrong way to honor those we love. I wrote "Thank you for the best 15 years of my life.....Mommy"

[lolynbo]

OH MY JUST LOST A LARGE POST, I ALWAYS COPY AND SAVE THIS TIME I DIDNT...

WELL THE SONG I CAN ONLY IMAGINE REMINDS ME OF KODYS FRIENDS BROTHER AND SISTER FUNERAL A FEW YRS AGO, I CLDNT IMAGINE HOW THE PARENTS WAS FEELING...NO I CAN

JENN...SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOSS, HOW DID YOUR DAUGHTER PASS?...I DIDNT SEE IT ON PREV POST...MY KOURTNEY DIED FROM A BRAIN TUMOR...22 YRS OLD...

THE SONG SIMPLE MAN, WE PLAYED AT MY BROTHER LARRYS FUNERAL...HARD SONGS TO LISTEN TO TO THIS DAY..

WE ARE LEAVING LATER TONIGHT TO STAY THE NIGHT @ KIMMY AND CODYS HOUSE, KODY HAS DOC APPT WITH THE KIDNEY DOC...BLOOD TESTS AND PROB DIET PLAN...IM TAKING MY PUPS TOO, WE WILL ALL SLEEP AT KIMMYS...

WE WENT TO THE CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING IN TOWN LAST NIGHT, WE USE TO GO EVERY YEAR...SO HARD TO DO..BUT.....LEAST WE DIDNT MAKE THE PAPER THIS YR...KOURTNEYS LIL FRIEND HALIE AND HER LIL FAM DID THOUGH...

WANTED TO SHARE 2 PICS...ONE IS HALIE AND I , ME JUST BEING STUPID SHE WAS TRYING TO GET A PIC OF TREE WITH HER DAUGHTER AND I JOINED HER....THEN MONTY DID THE SAME DECIDED TO WALK BY...HE LOOKS LIKE A FRIKN CRAK HEAD HOMELESS GUY...(YEP GIRLS HES ALL MINE, MY LIL IDIOT).

KODY VISITED SANTA LAST NIGHT, TOLD HIM HE WANTS A NEW RACE CAR....SANTA JUST LOOKED AT MOMMY...LOL

[ericasmom]

Here is a song that 100 third graders sang in 2003 in honor of Erica at our first Christmas without her here. I wanted the third graders to sing this at the Holiday Sing adn gave the music to our music teacher the summer before. Then Eri was killed during that summer and as I went back to work in the fall, I did not pay attention to what they were practicing. They were practicing 2000 Miles, by Chrissy Hynde, one of my favorite rockers. One child played the violin with it, and the others played different instruments: jingle taps, xylephones, bongos...

Chrissie HyndeHe's gone,

2000 miles,

Is very far.

The snows falling down.

It's colder day by day.

I miss you.

The children were singing,

He'll be back at Christmas time.

And these frozen and silent nights,

Sometimes in a dream,

You appear.

Outside under the purple sky,

Diamonds in the snow,

Sparkle.

Our hearts were singing,

It felt like Christmas time.

2000 miles,

Is very far through the snow

I'll think of you

Wherever you go.

He's gone,

2000 miles,

Is very far.

The snows falling down,

It's colder day by day.

I miss you.

I can hear people singing,

It must be Christmas time.

I hear people singing,

It must be Christmas time.

[ericasmom]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nmx3QC7n6sk&feature=related

Here it is!!!!

[Guest msnher]

"The rest of those who have gone before us cannot settle the unrest of those left behind." Those words were just spoken on some movie I'm not watching. I don't even know the name of the movie or the actor that said it.

Their peace cannot bring us peace.....

Their living pain free does not remove our pain...

Their joy cannot make us happy....

Food for thought..................Your take?

[ericasmom]

Cold Play's version

[hoosiermom]

Hi Indigos

Brianna's death was ruled natural causes due to septic shock. The doctor told me that most likely, she had an infection that crossed into her bloodstream and by the time I caught it, it was just too late. She had gone septic twice before and we caught it in time. She had fought so many infections over the years that her poor little body just didn't have any fight left, and she no longer ran fevers to give me a clue that something was up. The doctor was so kind, he told me it was nothing I did or didn't do...that he had seen healthy children come in the hospital and die within 24 hrs due to septic shock....and he asked if I wanted an autopsy, which I declined, I felt like she had been through enough and there wasn't probably much more that they could tell me. The whole staff worked so hard on her but it was not to be. I had to finally give the okay to let her go...her heart stopped three times and they shocked her back, the last time I said no more.

I still struggle with some guilt over not catching her illness soon enough, and letting her go....I guess maybe I always will. All those years of taking care of her, watching out for any little sneeze or sniffle, the flu and pneumonia shots, keeping my other girls away from her whenever they were ill, hand washing, etc. In the end an infection took her from me, it won. How could I have not seen it.

[ericasmom]

Jenn, I just lost a long reply to your post and cannot stay on right now, but basically, we all feel guilt in the loss of our Dear Ones, but remember what you told us, she was tired, Brianna's little body had been through so much already and she no longer was displaying the signs of illness that she once did. You had to set her free, I sure understand that feeling, I had to set Eri free too. I know that your life was totally surrounding the love and care of Bri, and she must be so proud of the ways you helped her live her best life. She probably is smiling on you right now saying, " Momma, I would not trade you for a million other Moms."

[Chris]

I listen to this song and think of my son David every day. I love the words to it.

[aim630]

Jenn & Dee-love the lyrics to the songs you posted. Jenn, that song sounds like it perfectly fits Brianna. Obviously she adored you. The song that always makes me cry & think of Ashley is "For Good" from Wicked. Also, "Seasons of Love" from Rent. Ashley loved musicals. At a recent college visit, the drama/music dept performed Seasons of Love, and I had tears in my eyes. If anyone noticed, they probably would have thought I was crazy.

Chris-We hung Ashley's stocking last Christmas while she was hospitalized. When she came of of the coma & realized she missed 2 months of her life including her birthday & Christmas, we told her we would have the biggest Christmas party for her when she came home. When she finally opened her eyes & could understand us, I told her I would take her shopping & buy whatever she wanted. The next day, she mouthed to me "You're taking me shopping, right". Unfortunately she never did get her Christmas or shopping trip. We have never taken her stocking down. It was handmade (knitted) by my husband's mother, and the weight of it is stretching out the yarn.

Carol-my husband is Ashley's stepdad, although he raised her from the time she was 2, so she didn't remember any different. As she got older, they clashed alot, mainly because Ashley was such a free spirit, and Jeff was a military man through & through (no nonsense, no excuses for not doing chores). We had so many arguments, with me in the middle every time. I think Ashley understood Jeff loved her, but just did not understand her. He spent a lot of time with her at the hospital. I get angry sometimes & want to throw that in his face (the many conflicts we had, and how stubborn he was), but I can't because it would hurt him so bad. I think he feels his own guilt.

Jenn-Although I understand your guilt about not realizing Brianna was sick, you really couldn't have known or you would have done everything in your power to get her to the doctor. When they were unsure if Ashley would make it through the night (her lung collapsed), it was mentioned moving her to the Cleveland Clinic. She was so unstable, I felt she would not make it if she traveled so far (1 hr). The doctor, and my stepdaughter who is a nursing student, also felt it was too much of a risk to move her. Then she started recovering, so I didn't see any need to move her. My uncle said if it was his daughter, she would have been at the Cleveland Clinic. I made the decision to keep her at the local hospital, and now I wonder if the Clinic would have noticed her blood clot sooner the night she died. You can beat yourself up over it, but we both had our daughters' best interests at heart, and maybe no matter what we had done, we couldn't have changed anything.

My boss has not been the most understanding through all of this. Today she was almost in tears because a 14 yr old son of an acquaintance had committed suicide over bullying. She said "Can you imagine how those parents must feel?" and I told her "Yes, actually I can". Did she forget about Ashley? Of course the circumstances are not exactly the same, and I may not know exactly how those parents feel, but I can pretty much guess.

Lorri-nice pictures! You look so young. When you posted the picture of you and the deer, I thought maybe I misunderstood, and it was your daughter with the deer!

Good night all-thanks for listening. Like Carol said, I feel like I can say things here I couldn't say anywhere else.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - I am just too tired and feeling sick again to write too much. I just want to tell you thank you all for your comments on "grandma" - I am still so upset about it I cannot even talk to her right now....Tavian also told me that he went to school with no breakfast because Grandma didn't have time so she gave him 2 dollars and told him to get something at the store !!! The store is about 400 feet from the school and she actually thought she could drop him to school and then it was ok for him to walk to the store and get something to eat - BY HIMSELF - I actually HATE this woman right now - when I think of all the things that could have happened to Tavian.....I do not know what her problem is but it will never be Tavian again, if she wants to see him she can take me to court....

I must say good night, I really need some rest....love and prayers to all....Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Amy: Ralph was also a military man, for 26 years, and Mike was born in the wrong year...he was born in 1975 and it should have been 1950, so's he could have been part of the 60's free spirit movement...in fact, he and his first wife, at one point, intended to follow Jerry Garcia and the grateful dead on their tours...they went to one of the concerts up in Vermont, and Mike called me (I can't remember now if it was right after the concert or about the time they decided to go and follow him), to tell me, tearfully, that Jerry Garcia had died. I already knew, having seen it on the news, but when I heard him telling me, I have to confess, I whispered a secret prayer of thanks. They came home the next week, after trying to join a commune, but realized it was a lot more "work" than "fun." The day Mike came home with beads woven into his hair, I thought his father was going to have a heart attack! Looking back on some of the things now, it can make you laugh, but the underlying aspect was that they never became close mostly because Mike's dad couldn't accept the differences and neither could Mike accept his dad's rigidness. I am just glad that they became close during Mike's illness...his dad spent time taking care of him and I think finally realized that all the other stuff really didn't matter. Of course, by then it was too late...but, like you, I could never remind him of it...I think he lives with the pain firmly lodged in his heart. The only thing he can do now is try to be different with the grands, which he does. thankfully.

I am so sorry that you had to make that decision about moving Ashley...but, as you said, we can only remember that we did what we thought was right at the time. There are days when that thought does not help, but most days, it does.

Jenn, it's true, we have to try to keep that thought foremost in your mind, and when you just can't bring it to your heart, come here and talk about it.

Kathy: nothing could ever be said about this woman that would make me ever trust her again...I am so glad that Tavian has not had to suffer (and you and Barry) any dire consequences of her rediculously irresponsible actions. I hope you are feeling better soon, and wish you the best of luck this weekend with your move into your new home.

Well, we are trying to finish up getting ready for our trip...I haven't packed yet, but that won't take long. Davis is having a rough time right now, and I am worried about leaving him, so please keep him in your prayers that he will find some peace in his heart to help him through this down time. He does have a girl his friend introduced him to, who he spent some time with her and his friend and his friend's wife the other night, and the girl and Davis are supposed to see each other tomorrow night, but he is SO nervous about it. But the lack of friends since he finished his rehab is really getting to him right now, and he is not having an easy time at work. Davis is a really hard worker, and has worked at this restaurant for over 7 years, but they won't put him on benefits, i.e., earning vacation and sick time. He feels disrespected by their attitude, and I agree with him. He and I talked about this, and have decided that when we get back home, he and I will sit down and work on a letter to address his grievances. Then he will give a copy to all of his bosses...this is a family run business and three of the bosses are brothers/dad, and don't particularly get along, so it's difficult to zero in on who is going to help him. Anyway, please keep him in your prayers that he finds some road to anchor his new life in...he was truly depressed tonight and we almost decided to stay home, but his mom said she would keep in contact with him daily.

sending love and peace to all my indigo friends...have a good week...I will likely "check in" with Ralph's DROID now and again, but likely won't type much unless I am on a computer...those itty bitty keys are just too small for my fat fingers.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[coryjsmom]

Hello everyone,

It’s been a little while since I’ve checked in. I’ve been reading some of the posts and I see some new folks here. I’m just so sorry any of us has a reason to be here.

I’ve been down lately. I have the winter blahs. Plus Christmas coming, then Cory’s birthday on February 1st. He would be 21. And then on February 22nd it will be 5 years since I last saw him. So hard to believe I’ve survived for 5 years without him.

Today I heard about a new movie coming out in December staring Nicole Kidman. It’s about parents who lost their young son. It’s called Rabbit Hole. Here’s the link. If it doesn’t work, just google “trailer for Rabbit Hole”. I’m not sure if I could sit in the movie theater and watch it.

http://www.deadline.com/2010/10/hot-trailer-rabbit-hole/

Blessings to all,

Ginger

[ericasmom]

A good trip to you and Ralph Carol. I will say prayers for Davis indeed. Will he be at your home or his Mom's? Tell Davis I know about restaurant work, there are few benefits and especially from a family run organization. It is so hard to maintain a job right now too, so that many employers are able to hold that over an employee's head...but equally hard on business too.

Sweet Lord, please smile and lay a gentle hand on the shoulders of Dear Davis so that he feels the hope within your hands and the glow of warmth in your smil e.

I don't understand that this is AMERICA right now. HOw can we be continuing with the BUSH tax cuts for the rich while today, thousands of people are losing their unemployment benefits? Sorry, but I just don't get it, I just don't understand how this is the country of fairness and equal rights. What really is going on? We don't manufacuture anything anymore, we are less innovative than ever before, we don't compete with other countries educationally at all anymore...where has America gone?

My rant.

Amy, yes well my husband is not my kids' dad either adn he never had kids so there was much to cringe at when we married and I brought my teens into th emix. YIKES! But I do believe that Eri knew that John loved her, that he loves me, and Jonathan and he get along very well. It is hard, and the guilt for missed opportunities exists in him as well I am sure. She was very different than he pictured a girl of her age would be, and I was way lenient.

Kathy, you must take care of yourself, this cold lasts and lasts, but it gets much worse if you don't let it get some rest.

Ginger, good to see you again. Rabbit Hole is a play I went to in Chicago a few years back, probably when we reached the 5th year, now at 7.5. Anyhow, it is a tough one, not wanting to see it again, though I do watch movies and plays that have to do with loss, for some reason, I don't want to see the movie after the play. It can be healing as many books on the subject have been fiction and non.

I know what you mean, never thought you would make it this long and at times it seems a twilight zone thing to still be here. Hugs to you.