Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Here is a poem that I ran across when looking for Lisa's lost poem:

'The Comforter'

As I sat by my baby's bed

That's open to the sky,

There fluttered round and round my head

A radiant butterfly.

And as I wept----of hearts that ache

The saddest in the land---

It left a lily for my sake,

And lighted on my hand.

I watched it, oh so quietly,

And though it rose and flew,

As if it fain would comfort me

It came and came anew.

Now, where my darling lies at rest,

I do not dare to sigh,

For look ! there gleams upon my breast

A snow-white butterfly.

By Robt. Service

[lolynbo]

I KNOW WEVE POSTED THIS LAST YEAR MYSELF INCLUDED..BUT ITS ALWAYS NICE TO READ IT AGAIN

CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below

with tiny lights like HEAVENS STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear

for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear

but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring

for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart

for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place

Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love

so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING

for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I'm walking WITH THE KING.

[Chris]

Sherry I love that poem about the butterfly. That is so my David. I just wish butterflies were around in winter.

The Christmas in Heaven poem was beautiful.

I've printed out every poem you all have posted and keep telling myself I'm going to frame them instead of leaving them sitting on my desk but I've seem to have become a procrastinator.

I'm home alone for the rest of the weekend. It's the first time I've been totally alone since David died. I'm not sure how I like this. I keep pacing around the house. It's so big and quiet.

I called my mom in law. She so understands where I'm at. The sad thing is she had to also lose a child to understand me.

[summergirl]

Christina - I am so glad that you mom-in-law understood but so sorry Rick hurt you so badly.....there are many times that a spouse will hurt the other without realizing it.....if that makes sense. There are times still that my hubby will say something that has to do with Jessica and I get really hurt and he does not understand why.....because we all grieve the same yet differently. I hope that you and Rick are ok and can talk it out...prayers

Carol - sure glad you get double your money back for that bad turkey and sure hope your computer screen is all better with nor bubble in it.....lol

Love, Love the poems......thank you for sharing

I am on my last room for painting....whoo hoo...still have some trim to do but that ain't nothing compared to what I have done. We will be in the new house officially next Saturday and I am excited .... Sure wish I had a remote control that I could push the button and everything would be unpacked and the house complete so I could just sit in my chair and not do anything for a whole day, just watch movies, eat and sleep....but that remote must have gotten so I guess I will be busy for a few more weeks.....

Some friends halped Barry move a bunch of boxes and totes to the new house today - I was looking at them thinking I should see what needed to go in the attic and I took the lid off the biggest tote and there was all of Jessica's clothes, shoes, etc I have saved, my heart stopped for a moment and then the tears came as I looked through it.....just holding her favorite pair of jeans was enough to send me into the abyss....damn it hurts so much.

I really need to get some rest, cold is still with me and does not seem to be getting any better so I may be off to the doctor...I love you all and as always you are in my thoughts and prayers.....Kathy

[kmb22]

Edit

[aim630]

Dee-My name is spelled Amy, but I like some of the creative ways I've seen it spelled.

Christina-I understand completely about not wanting to leave the house. The first few months I did not want to do anything except sit on the couch and watch stupid shows on TV. I would not visit my stepkids, because they are all around the same age as Ashley, and they all have children now & it hurt knowing Ashley would never get that chance. Eventually I was able to see them, and I'm sure it will get easier for you in time. I'm glad your mother-in-law understood. I still don't want to be social. Pretty much I just go to work and my daughter's soccer games, and that is the extent of my social life. My husband's company is having a Christmas party and he understands that I can't go this year.

Lorri & Sherry-Thanks for the beautiful poems. I love reading all the poems you post, although they almost always bring tears to my eyes.

Carol-sorry about your turkey & computer screen! Hopefully you were able to get it all straightened out & did not have too much trouble in the snow.

Rhonda-I'm so sorry you had to go through Westley's birthday so soon after he died. Now we have to face our first holidays without them, and you are right, we survived one of them. That's really all we can do for now, just get up and do what we can each day. I used to love Christmas so much, now I am dreading it. I don't want to listen to Christmas music or decorate for Christmas, but I have to do it for Katie. Her life is already messed up by losing her big sister, I have to at least try to make as much as I can normal for her.

I did enjoy having the grandkids here this weekend (I am only in my early forties, feel too young to be a grandma). We rarely see Autumn, but she was fine spending the night here (probably because of Aunt Katie). She cried when we told her we were taking her home & said she was staying with us now. We asked her why & she said her dad was mean because he made her eat things she did not like! Of course while she was here I did not force her to eat anything (like vegetables), so she probably thinks it would be like that all the time if she lived here.

Although I don't have any Christmas spirit, we went shopping for all 4 grandkids, and managed to almost completely finish in the past 2 days. Everyone asks me what I want, and I have told them the only thing I want I can't have. I'd rather spend the extra on the grandkids, and the 2 kids whose tags we pulled off the Salvation Army tree.

Goodnight to all,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Hello Indigo Family!

I've read the posts from today and overwhelmed with emotion for the words of poetry. Good emotion. Sad, but good.

I've had a humbling, deeply personal, very simple spiritual experience today. I feel like I was touched by the finger of my Creator and filled with love. I don't know how long it will last. I long to bask in it. If only I could stay faithful and have trust in the All That Is. The Great I Am. Pure love. When I feel it there is such a knowing of security and contentment. Such a feeling of "okayness". The love that heals all wounds. The love that understands my grief. My discontent. My confusion. The love that loves me anyway. THAT is where I want to reside. That is the power that will carry me through until the end of my days on earth. If only I could remember always. But, I forget so quickly.

The tears flow softly as I think of my Stephanie and that love. Wanting with everything inside of me to hold her again.....knowing....believing....hoping....she is in the arms of a love more powerful and pure than the love of a million mother's love. Knowing that I, too, am dependent on that same power.

May you all feel that touch this evening.

I love you all. thank you for being here.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Karen, I think that Lisa is on the list...it is so dear of you , thanks again. Wise words you delivered to Kathy, that opening that bin was Jess' way of saying, "I am here Mom."

Chris, I don't know what to say about your husband, except that I am sorry. It seems that so many folks right now are a huge disappointment for you. I do hope that Rick can figure out what it si you are feeling, not that I want him to know the extent of it, but to understand that is far bigger adn more overwhelming than any thing ever...that it is never going away, that it will shift and change adn one day you will be in a different frame of mind, but not for a long while...He may not have signed on for this, but who the hell does? None of us sign up for this reality. Death happens to young people sometimes, and we are the parents of those who left early. Nothing normal about it.

Carol, a lumpy screen adn an old turkey? Crap! Wishing the two items to be exchanged with little to no issues.

[mikesmum]

In these past years I have travelled in and out of the abyss. After this time I have been able to 'realise the triggers' and move through the abyss more quickly.

Today though I am just beyond fathoming it out.

In my email box I get a note letting me know if someone has signed Micheals Memorial GuestBook. It makes me smile to think others took time out to 'speak' of my Micheal.

Opening my mail today there was a notification for the 27th Nov. As I opened the page I smiled, Mikes little face does that. Then the smile turned to such breathless sadness. The message is By: *****, from 123. http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?app=forums&module=post&section=post&do=reply_post&f=14&t=41

I have asked the company that runs the service to locate the IP address so that I might locate the person who finds it necessary to add to what is already a heavy load......

My tuppenceworth....Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: My dear, sweet friend---I am so, so sorry this happened. It is like a piercing straight into your heart...such a cruel, heartless thing for someone to do...you want to scream and lash out at them, whoever, and you can't...feeling so helpless only adds to the pain. Are you aware that you can go in an edit/remove any comments left? And, I know you may not likely want to do this, but you can also make it so that no one can leave a message without your approval first. Of course, this wouldn't do away with the soul-less people such as this who would do such an evil thing, but it might make you feel a little more in control. I wish so much I could reach out and hug you and comfort you...however, what comfort could be given for this, I do not know...tears fall as I read this...my heart is aching for you, dear friend.

love to you,

carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Carol - Thanks so much for your words of comfort. The removal is something that I intend to do once they locate the IP address.

I guess its the feeling of violation of the site where I feel I can 'speak' to Mike. It took alot to get past my employer 'walking through' and dowloading the 'conversations' there.

Thanks again.....

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - I second what has already been said....you opening Jessica's tote first was Jessica's way of letting you know she's making the move with you. But, I certainly know the shock (and elation) that come from those kind of surprises. Gratitude and sorrow instantly. Together. Sucking the breath right out of your lungs and forcing it back again. Grief is such a contradiction of itself.

Chris - Could it be that your husband wanted you to come with him, even if it meant staying in a bedroom, because he's afraid you'll do something to hurt yourself? He wanted you where he could keep a protective eye on you in case you need him? I think he was afraid to leave you home alone.

Trudy - I clicked on the address you posted and it took me to a blank "reply" page for Beyond Indigo. I think I've visited Micheal's memorial before, but it's been a while. I would like to visit it again if you wouldn't mind posting the address.

In fact, I would like to visit all the memorials again. When I first joined a lot of people were kind enough to post them so I could get to know their angels. I didn't have the wherewithal to save the addresses then. Please post your child's memorial address everyone. Thanks in advance!

Lorri - I love the poem about Christmas in heaven this year. I needed to read that again. Thanks for posting it! Oh. I thought of you as I set my purse on the floor under my chair last night. Made me smile as I thought "this is not gross, Lorri."

Colleen - I miss you!

Dee - I love your description of your walks. I felt like I was with you in the Art Museum and on the ice skating rink. I could picture you skating with tears flowing down your cheeks. You not only have the gift of empathy, you have the gift of articulating that empathy into written form, offering encouragement and validation and explanation. Not only do you take us with you on your ventures, you are able to be a part of ours when we aren't able to express the experience ourselves. You are a gift to us. I'm so sorry for the price that was paid for you to be able to help us, but I am grateful you are here.

Carol - Like Dee, you, too have the ability to offer wisdom and compassion through your own grief. You have so much on your own plate yet you always have a kind word for others.

Sherry - You, too! I'm so sorry any of you have had to endure such painful loss in order to help forge this new path for us. Where would those of us newer to this journey be without those of you who have had more experience than us? While my heart breaks for anyone who has to KNOW this grief; I am grateful for the grace each of you have in your willingness to be here and expose yourselves openly so that we are not so frightened and alone.

Betty with your soft heart; Dan who remembers each of angels birthdays and angelversarys. How do you do that, by the way? Remember, I mean. You and your wife have even made a place available for us to create memorials for our children. And, you do it all without comment. Your gift to us. Greg Where the hell are you? How the hell are you? Fishing? How's your grand baby? I love how you can pull us back to center with one sentence!

Anyway....I just wanted to acknowledge how important this site is to me and how important each of you are to me. The problem with naming names is some names get missed. Names that are just as important as the names I remember. Only, my mind draws a blank.

Someone mentioned procrastination. I seem to be much worse about that now days, too!

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Trudi, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with senseless cruelty. An ugly troll with no thought or feeling , ignorant of everything and anything but themselves.

Carol. I have missed you and I do hope your turkey is now fresh and your screen, smooth as can be.

Dee, lost in the memories,living in the moment. Sounds like a good day for the wreath ceremony and also, the ice skating with Erica at your side.

Sherry, thanks you for sharing the poem . The poem for Lisa, not lost but living in your heart.

Lorri,Certainly is a perfect Christmas tree to honor and remember your girl . The poem is beautiful too.

[westleysmom]

Trudi-I couldn't tell what the post was either from the link, but I can tell from your reaction that it was ugly and I'm so sorry. Its so hard to fathom how people can be so cruel. Life is hard enough without people TRYING to make it harder. Peace to you friend. And I hope you can find out soon so you can delete the hateful words.

Sherry and others-Thanks for the poetry. It always makes me cry.

Amy-My daughter is older than Westley and doesn't live with us of course, but I have put a tree up for 30 years. My wedding anniversary on Dec 15 will be 30 years and I put a tree up at our new apartment before we eloped, so it would be there. We didn't go on a honeymoon because well, we were poor. And I had final exams and work. But I had a tree for all those years, so I suppose I'll try to put one up this year too. It just seems like saying everything's the same when its not, y'know? I'm sure its harder with a younger child around all the time.

Kathy-I have been so lazy this past few weeks, I have hardly done anything useful. I just haven't had the energy and I wish I lived closer to you so I could finish up your moving work because a: you need a rest, and b: I need to get up off my lazy behind and do something helpful. I hope that soon you will get to kick back in your nice new home and take a nice long nap. And that I will find the energy to do something.

Karen-It wasn't a big deal, but it sounded like everyone was going to use the list and Westley's was the only one I was sure about. Thank you for making the list. So sad its so long.

Carol, Leah, Betty, Betsy, Dee, Lorri, Susannah, Lynn, Sonya, everybody have as good a day as you can. Tomorrow is back to the grind for me and I can't say I'm sorry. Somehow everydays are a little easier than holidays, everybody else is not so damn happy. I'm not a scrooge, I'm just saying...

[hotrod]

Good Morning Dear Indigos

I only have a few minutes as I am using my nephews computer and he must leave for "parts unknown" in a few minutes

Susannah I do believe that I have shared that touch of which you spoke so eloquently and referred to it as"The love that heals all wounds. The love that understands my grief. My discontent. My confusion. The love that loves me anyway. THAT is where I want to reside. That is the power that will carry me through until the end of my days on earth. Each day I come here to my Indigo friends and then visit Stephen's memorial site and I pray and honor my re memories and feel as you describe it is how I stay connected to that peace and can believe it certainly does not mean I do not get angry and hostile. It is however a powerful knowing that Stephen is safe and that is all important. Love the new Avatar It us beautiful

Sherry I as so glad that you remembered a small part of Lisa's sweet poem It was very special for a really precious child Maybe once you have triggered the memory the rest will come back Thank you my friend

Trudi I am so very sorry that the beautiful site for Michael was harmed I too smile when I see our angels faces You are in my prayers

Dee loved the trip to the Library and the Ice Skating.

Carol glad you check ed the turkey before you cooked

Betsy I hear you about standing up for your daughter to the relatives You are right She works hard and should not be put upon An hour's drive for them is not that difficult

Karen I love the sheet with all the angels listed Thank you

Rhonda, Chris. Leah Kathy Bonnie and all Indigos I have run out of time but know You are in my thoughts and prayers

Must run will try to get back during the week Miss everyone

[lolynbo]

TRUDI U FIND OUT WHO DID THAT...AND WE WILL ALL BOMB THEM WITH EMAILS....STALK THEM FOR THE DOG THEY ARE....

YAL NO I HAVE A WEIRD SENCE OF HUMOR (WHATS LEFT)...BUT KOURTNEY AND I WOULD DO STUFF THAT WOULD MAKE OUR EYES WATER TIL WE CRIED..THE OTHER EVE I WENT TO PICK UP BROOKE AND I SAW A DEAD LIL DEER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, SO WHEN SHE GOT IN THE TRUCK (MONTYS) I SAID "IM FIXIN TO JUMP OUT AND I WANT YOU TO TAKE MY PIC"....SHE SAID "DOING WHAT"....I SAID "ULL SEE" SO HERE WE GO..

I JUMPED OUT AND TOOK THE PIC WITH THE DEAD DEER (SINCE ITS DEER SEASON HERE)....SO ON FB THEY SAY "LORRI, DID YOU HIT IT WITH A CAR,DID YOU SHOOT IT?"....I SAID "I JUMPED OUT OF THE MOVING TRK AND JUMPED ON ITS BACK AND STABBED IT"....LOL ANY WAY WE LAUGHED TIL WE CRIED...THEN I AMOST CRIED CUZ IT REMINDED ME OF KOURTNEY....GOSH I MISS HER...THEN I THINK LATER THAT LIL DEER AND HER ARE IN HEAVEN RUNNING AND LAUGHING AT ME..

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I agree with the others, it seems a horrid thing to do to someone at all, but because it is you, because it is a negative toward Micheal, well I just can't friggin believe it. HOw dare anyone take their negative energy and wipe across the hearts of a parent in grief? I could not see anything either when I looked, so perhaps the company took it down or you erased it, but I am so sorry that this happened to you, to Micheal's place. Hard to believe that folks have time to spend on UGLY!

Sherry, I think that the piece of the poem you wrote is so very beautiful, it may feel good to write new words for it, or you may just want to have that piece, sometimes I alter something I wrote, but other pieces somehow are off limits to alterations. It is lovely however, just want you to know I felt the weight of your loss in it.

[ericasmom]

Oh Lorri, you look so young you devil. I am laughing at your sense of humor, I get it, in fact my Sis Eileen and I have many deer jokes that I am not sure where they evolved from, but of course, I am saddened by the poor little dear deer being killed. Being a a feeder of deer in the winter, (though I still don't know if that is more good than bad...) I am sad by their big numbers in less space and less food, but made sad at their deaths too.

Husband and I walked through the forest today, noting the deer tracks but no sign other than that at the time of day we went. It is sunny and pretty warm for this time of year, so I think that right now they are well fed and fine. I emptied our compost bin out in our pile this morning and boy, birds and squirrels gather quickly for those apple cores and skins, among other delicacies.

Many folks putting lights out during this warm spate of time, adn while I know I sound like the GRINCH, I just don't like the lights and decor until just before the actual holiday.

Carol, let us know about the returned turkey, did they balk at the return or were they kind? I hope kind, because you are one of the kindest people I have ever met. And yes new to this place Indigos, some of us have met, which I can honestly say was a spiritual experience beyond what my heart could have imagined...Beyond Indigo.

[ericasmom]

Just a view into the clear skies of downtown with lion wearing cranberry necklace.

[ericasmom]

And another

[ericasmom]

And here is one more of my beloved lions in front of the Art Institute of Chicago.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee. first I want to say that I meant to mention earlier thank you for sharing your day with the lions and then your walk and eventual skating. I am so sorry the tears fell, but as you have said before, they are healing, too, though I wish we didn't have that reason to shed them. I can just picture you, out and about on the ice...I am so glad that you enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing the pictures.

As for the turkey, yes, I did return it, and I didn't get much of a hassle, til the guy (an assitant manager, I think) came over to approve the return. The girl wasn't quite sure how to ring it in and it rang in incorrectly. He "corrected it" and told her something she hadn't done, and then before they rang out the final key for the return, I mentioned that it wasn't showing the "double your money back" amount, as per their guarantee. Well, you would think I had stuck my hand in this man's pocket and ripped out his last dollar...the LOOK he gave to me was withering, had I been the type to "wither" at such looks, which I am not...that is one of the thing these 65 years has taught me. I just said "I looked up your web site because I wasn't sure about the return process and saw that all fresh food does carry a double your money back guarantee." He never said a WORD. Neither of them ever said I am sorry this happened, etc. So, I happily took my $57.74 and went about looking for a fresh one that wasn't expired. Which I didn't find...all gone...imagine that?!? So, I wound up getting a turkey breast and some drumsticks. In the oven, right now. I think Mike was saying "way to go, Mom" because I got a 1975 penny in the seventy four cents in my refund.

The computer screen went smoother...the girl who took it first said "I think it's goop." I said "It's not goop." She tried to "wipe" it away, including WETTING HER FINGER AND WIPING IT! Then she called "the guy" over...he said "It's goop." SHE said "it's not goop." He said "More than likely, it's goop." She said "Use your fingernail." He said "It's not goop." then he said, "Wow, it's like a cut into the glass." YAY, he finally got it!!! At least they were polite and kind, and also said "I'M SORRY you had to bring it back."

Anyway, once I got out onto the highway, there snow was gone and though there was some icing up (and sand trucks out) on the way home, the iciness was mostly on the off and on ramps.

Lorri: Loved the picture of you and the deer, and loved the stories of the laughing til tears with Kourt, and so glad that you were able to do that also with Brooke. I know that Kourtney was right there with you, busting a gut along with both of you.

I read everyone's posts about their Thanksgiving day...I am so very sorry for all of us that we have to have that "missing chair" even if it is not in physical evidence, it is evident in our hearts. Those new to this journey, I am glad that those of us who have been here longer were able to send you strength to get you through the day.

Sherry, the parts of the poem that you remembered were so beautiful...your beautiful Lisa comes through every word. Thank you for sharing.

Betsy: Loved your standing up for your daughter...it is easy to take advantage of someone, and I am glad that you didn't let them take advantage of her good nature.

Kathy: Susannah quoted " I second what has already been said....you opening Jessica's tote first was Jessica's way of letting you know she's making the move with you" and I agree also...I think it was Jess's way of letting you know that she was right there and approved of your move. I do know how difficult it is---it seemed that every time we went to "dig out and pack up" during our move when we sold our house, we found something of Mike's...and what Susannah said is true...it likely was his way of telling us "You are not leaving me behind, I am with you, always."

Rhonda: Perhaps you could put up a small tree for Westley...of course, it may be just as difficult. We could't do that until the second year, and may not even have done it then, but not only did we feel it was important for the boys to have a "memory connection" with their day, but also we could imagine Mike shaking his finger at us and asking us what we were waiting for. We've done that now (a tree just for Mike) for two years, and the boys and Cathi and her boys really love having it here. But, as others have said, you have to go about this in your OWN time, at your OWN comfort level..I think that is so very important.

I wrote a poem not too long after Mike died--I am not much of a poetry writing person, though I do like to read poems of others. My poems tend to take on a sing-songy cadence, which takes away from it, I think. But, anyway, I will share it.

Why does the world keep spinning round

The moon come up and the sun go down?

It seems as if the world should pause,

While I learn to live with this heartbreak and loss.

The day you died, part of me died too,

But I try to live on as I promised you.

Yet my sun doesn’t shine and my moon is gone

And I look for the stars til early dawn.

“Go on with your lives,” you told us all

And don’t grieve for me, no tears let fall.

But tears keep falling, and few smiles break through

While I try keeping promises I made to you.

I know I’ve others I love so much,

Your dad, your sisters, grandkids and such.

They’re all right here, thank God, with me,

But they also miss you terribly.

We know one day our memories of you

Won’t sting our hearts as they now do.

Bittersweet memories that now bring pain.

We pray will someday bring smiles again.

Yes, our lives go on without you here,

But, something’s missing, something dear…

You, my sweet and precious one,

You were to us the morning sun…

To all indigos...you are with me always, also...thoughts and prayers, always.

Dinner will be ready soon...I need to finish up some last minute things. Sending love to all of you, my Indigo friends.

Carol mikesmomrs

[briansdad]

For my friends here.

[mysonrich]

Carol, beautiful poem. And,customer service has gone to hell in a hand basket . Enjoy the turkey and new monitor, goobless.

Dee, great pictures. I bet they are really something to see in person. BTW, Eagles – Bears tonight. Bears are ahead:(

Lorri, I was afraid to look at your picture..ha ha..wasn't sure what I would see. No problem. Great pic and good joke.

Betty, busy,busy. See you back soon on Bi I guess?

Another kind of weird,different, “didn't shock me”, event this afternoon. I was out to lunch. No. Not anything turkey. It was towards the end of our meal. The dining room in the restaurant is separated by a wall and through a doorway,the bar. The bartender came over and said,” Your son said you would be in the dining room, he called,he would like you to bring something back for him. “ Sarah and I were the only 2 in the dining room. I told the bartender that the call most likely wasn''t for me. Sarah said,” creepy”. I said, “maybe not so creepy”.

Back to the game.

[daveydow1]

Kathy-----I'm glad that your painting is almost done. It can get tiresome after awhile. When we moved out here where we

live now----every room was white----a white that was 'old' looking---possibly the original paint from 1965. My husband and

I painted 3 rooms and the hall. By the time we got to the hall, we were ready to quit, but we did get it done. Your rooms will

be so nice with new paint. I so know what you mean about opening the tote with Jessica's clothes., and how it made you

cry & cry. I have Dave's clothes in a tote also, but haven't looked in it for quite some time. Sometimes I'm almost half afraid.

Chris----I, too, like the butterfly poem. It has been in my Lisa's little baby book for 40 yrs. Many in the BI family have expressed

their love for butterflies (and dragonflies) and the meaning they have in relation to a beloved child who has left this world.

I understand your wanting to stay home a lot , and watch t.v. I believe that t.v. is a diversion that we use in those early months

to just keep us from going crazy with our grief. After Davey died, I watched t.v. so much........Jerry Springer.....can you imagine???

I never liked the show at all, but when I had it on.....I just stared at it and was numb. The junk they had on there was so far

removed from what was 'my world' at the time, that somehow it filled the time. I know this sounds just loony, but that is how I

would get some numbness.....even for a little while. Does this make sense to anyone???

Amy-----Sending thoughts & prayers for you & your family as the holidays come closer....I know it is so very sad now.

Trudi-----I tried to get the evil message up also......but it didn't come up. As Dee said, the site may have taken it down. What kind

of a idiot would write something bad like that to a grieving parent.?? An EVIL COWARD, .....I say. They are an evil dog, and a coward.

I hope you can fix the site so that it prevents anything else like this from happening. I'm so sorry.

Sus----Love Stephanie's new avatar. Thanks for your kind words.

Betsy---Thanks for the kind words about Lisa's lost poem. So hard to remember the rest of it.

Rhonda-----Yep---I agree.....the weekdays are better for me too. Sundays are especially hard. This is a rough, lousy road, but

in time, it does get a bit softer......though never goes away. We can never forget them.

Betty------As you suggested, maybe a line or two of Lisa's poem might come to me now & then. So......I did remember the last

line.... It was.----- "And we would be so happy, if darling one was here." Can't remember ANY of the lines in between, but as

I said.....it is a 40 yr. old poem, and I'm not getting any younger. . Peace , friend.

Lorri-----Nice pic. I, too, feel sorry for the little dead dear.......poor thing.

Dee----Thanks for the lovely pics of the Lions with their cranberry wreaths......Just beautiful. Do you do Christmas shopping

downtown Chi, or go to an area mall or shopping strip....just wondering?

Carol-----I'm so GLAD that you took the turkey back, and that you stood up for your rights and asked for the double money back refund...

YAY for you. I probably would not have been so brave, and then went home a fumed about it for days......I'm a chicken when it comes

to that stuff. They definitely should have apologized to you......what a way to manage a store.....so rude. Mike was giving you a big

thumbs-up when the 1975 penny showed up. Also, thanks for your kind words about Lisa's lost poem. I know your dinner will be good.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Oh Greg, that was so pretty. Thank you so much for that.

Carol-Hope your new huge screen and your late Thanksgiving dinner are goop-less. I usually put the tree up on the day after Thanksgiving, but since I was babysitting, that wasn't happening anyway. I'm still thinking about it. I went to the cemetery today, it was cold and the sun was shining. Next Sunday is the annual candlelight service at the cemetery. I'll be going then and there will be lots of people there, weather permitting. The rain date is the next Sunday.. I got an invitation to a memorial service that our funeral home has every year, and if I want I can send a picture of Westley and go to that. We went the year my Daddy died because my Mama wanted us to, but I'm not sure I'm going to that. Will be too much like another funeral, and I barely made it through the first one. Like I said, everydays are better than holidays.

Dee-Love the Lions.

Lorri-you are such a ham! Glad you could laugh so hard you cried.

The Titans sucked today. And one of my favorite players got in a fistfight and ejected from the game. Is it too soon to start talking about next year? Does anybody have a good quarterback in their back pocket that we could have?

[daveydow1]

Just want to see if I can remember how to post a pic. Hope this comes up. If it does,.... it is a picture I

took this summer at a pond about a few miles from where I live, and the water lilies were blooming so pretty.

[ericasmom]

WE WON! Sorry Betsy, but it was a pretty cool game. Betsy, not creepy, GREAT! i love it, a message indeed.

Carol, glad that your exchanges went kind of smoothly, geeez, it says double your money and he should have been grateful you didn't put in in the newspaper.

And a penny from heaven to boot.

[ericasmom]

OH Sherry, Rhonda, I posted without looking at those who posted since I did last time.

Sherry, what pretty flowers. Are they annenomes? Yes I shop downtown sometimes, didn't that day but I do enjoy outdoor shopping rather than inside malls. Today I walked about 8 blocks away and did a bit of window shopping and did go to an artists shop, one month long called, OUT OF THE BOX, and it is all local are artists or free trade artists, bought some pretty salad fork/spoon from Kenya for Jon and Shan.

Shery, do you mean that you are a chicken when it comes to turkeys? Poultry humor.

Greg, beautiful music, thanks. What is new with you?

Rhonda, the tree idea has to be something you feel you have the energy for, my thoughts with you as you decide. I think our cemetery is also doing a service next weekend. I will check to see. Sorry that the titans sucked today, I am in shock that we have won several in a row.

[mysonrich]

Good game Dee.

thanks for sharing the video Greg.

zzzzzzzz

[lolynbo]

YES I LAUGHED SO HARD I CRIED...BUT THEN I CRIED CUZ I REMEMBERED HOW I LAUGHED WITH KOURTNEY LIKE THAT TIL I CRIED...LIKE I WAS CHEATN ON HER....WAS A WEIRD FEELING...A GUILTY FEELING.....YES I FEEL BAD FOR THE DEER...I HATE THAT PPL HUNT THEM AND THEY GET HIT BY CARS....HATE HATE

[Guest msnher]

After Steph died I began watching what the stars were wearing on the red carpet. Just like you and Jerry Springer....I just stared at the TV. It was something mindless to do.

I love the song, Greg.

Wow, Betsy....that was definitely a wow moment!

Carol, I love the poem.

Peace Everyone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aim630]

Rhonda-The funeral home we used for Ashley is also having a service next Sunday, and so far I haven't told anyone in my family, because I don't know if I can go. I know that sounds horrible, but I too, barely made it through the funeral & I think I was in complete shock then. Now it is much more real, and I don't want to completely lose it in front of a bunch of people. I think Ashley would understand that every minute of every day I think about her & miss her, and I don't need to go to a service with a bunch of other strangers to prove it. I don't know, I still may go, I haven't decided. Also, sorry about your Titans, but we Cleveland fans were already talking about next year a couple of games into the season. I don't think it will ever be OUR year!

Greg-Thanks for sharing the video. Beautiful song...

I am sick with my first cold of the season & can't sleep, because I can't breathe. I have to go an hour away to one of our other offices tomorrow where I don't know anyone and am not looking forward to it, especially since I feel like crap. But tomorrow is the only day I can go, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

Night everyone

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

By the way....thanks for the compliments about Steph's new avatar. One of her friends posted it on Facebook. I had never seen it before. It was one of those take my breath away....shock and elation all at once things.

Take care..

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Carol, what do you mean you are not a poetry writing person? You wrote such a beautiful poem...goodness.

Amy, the cold is a tough one, so tomorrow if you are super congested, try some tea and honey, and if you are able to take decongestants, take one so that you will be less congested at night for bedtime. Raise you head with pillows for sleep and I will hope that you are able to rest. How about a hot-toddy? A bit of whiskey,lemon, and hot water?

[mikesmum]

To all thanks for the support. The entry into Mikes guestbook has been erased by the administrators. Basically it was a four lettered entry. Came as a shock mainly because every entry from those here and those who 'stumble' on Mikes site warm my heart and give that sense of 'yes he was here, is here'.

Greg - as always beautiful songs with words that speak volumes of this journey.

Very tired tonight......back to the beach tomorrow...will be glad when the 'holiday' madness is done.

MD and Trudi

Ready to Roll....

[ericasmom]

Ahhh Trudi, back to the ocean with your wonderful sidekick Muttley. His soulful eyes filled by the love in his life, and he somehow understands it all. Blessings for a much more peaceful week.

Loving you

[rlolheiser]

feeling a bit down today, I have been in pain for the last 3 days and this is the first I have been able to sit down without it. I had gotton stuck on Friday in our snow (did I ever tell anybody I hate snow) I pushed out and blew my back and my knee out. It has been a long weekend, I have done the least I can do. I took care of mom, did the meals and dishes and laundry.. played a little with my boy.. and cried myself to sleep. Today I am feeling a little bit better, I hope it stays that way. ok.. enough of that.

My brother left Saturday and got home safely. I think it will be the last time we see each other. We are so different, he spent his time trying to get the kids in trouble. He tried to tell me how I wasn't my son's mom (for those of you that don't know, I adopted him from my daughter and has been mine since his 2nd day of life, I brought him home from the hospital) He was even upset that my daughters call him their brother and he calls one his sissy.. and then when he started on JaBoa.. I wanted to kick him out of my house.. I just had to tell him point blank that her name was not allowed to be spoken by him. She was 10 years old and sinless.. that he needs to talk to his God and figure out a few things. Needless to say things were tense here, but I kept my cool for mom.

Chris my heart goes out to you, I know it is hard to be around people and harder yet to understand some things that they do. I remember the first holidays after losing my girl. I went to a big Christmas party, I didn't want to go but the grandies wanted to, they had Kariokee (not sure of spelling).. and the kids kept singing to JaBoa all night.. the pressure got to me, and I spent my time in the hall crying. At first I was worried and told everybody I was sorry.. but I got tired of it.. I wasn't sorry.. I missed my girl and I told them if they couldn't bear it I would leave. They didn't want me to leave, but they stopped coming into the hall.. I didn't last a long time there.. but I made it. My husband isn't JaBoa's birth grandpa and I used to get so mad at him cause he didn't cry.. I always figured he dind't get it, but over the years I have figured out his coldness is his way of hiding.. he can't show emotion.. it comes out in other ways, so I have learned to be softer with him, He still doesn't understand me, but I guess it is ok.. I don't understand me either.

I can't even begin to go back and address everybody, hopefully now I am back online everyday, playing catchup is hard 4 pages.. You are all thought of as I read each of you I wish I could post directly to it, it is hard for the old brain to remember what i wanted to say. I guess it is time to move around, my back is talking to me and it is getting louder, I can't sit for long..

Thinking of you all

[shorty16]

Lorri

You sound so much like my Mother. She had a really wierd sense of humor also. Spontanious - especially after her diagnosis of breast cancer. We would laugh until we cried. I can remember on one road trip we took to southern WI; before we knew it, we saw a sign that said "Welcome to IL"

Needless to say, we laughed again until we cried. Drove 20 miles past our exit before we realized it. Thanks for the good memory, Lorri

I miss my Mom. I miss my Boy.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I am still on borrowed computers and I hate it. Carol so glad that you were able to replace your new one and double your money back on that turkey I do enjoy Turkey Breast so I hope you enjoyed dinner I too thought your poem was so special

Colleen I hear you I too miss my boy

Sherry what a lovely photo and beautiful place you have purchased to call home Just looking at the photo reminded me that I miss summer already. I see you remembered a little more of the Lisa Poem. The " Lovely Darling One" is always near with Davey taking care of Mom and Dad

Betsy I think you for the story of the restaurant . I am sure it was special sign from Rich. I too watched the Bears Eagles game it was a great game I also watched the Giants finally win and had many heart pounding moments during that one

Leah I am glad the Company has left so please take extra care of yourself and your back I too hate the snow..

Dee loved the pictures of the Library Lions and I do believe Eri was with you every step of the way.

Lorrie I too was afraid to look at the pictures I do feel so sorry for the animals who get hurt but you certainly looked beautiful and understand the giggles My sister and I have that ability to just laugh and laugh at stuff

Trudie Glad you and MD are back at your safe haven and the offending words erased.

Speaking of my sister She is recovering very nicely, her children and I had many good laughs and best of all She really surprised me this Holiday Season--- She had a small table set up with a picture of Stephen with his car, a small candle and a poem she wrote to remember him It was very special I will take a picture a and post it This is the 4 the Holiday without him and the first one that he was remembered I am grateful and will not question how or why it happened.

Running out of time on this computer and must run.

Rhonda, Karen, Chris, Crystal, Sarah,Beth, MaryAnn , and all Indigos please take very special care This time of the year is so very hard and being gentle with yourselves is all that matters

[westleysmom]

Leah-So glad to see you back. Sorry that your brother made your holiday so hard on you, but glad he's gone home! Take care of the back. I can't imagine having the kind of winters you have up there. We are usually surprised to see snow, and not in a good way. Since we don't have much, the highway depts never have enough snowplows and it brings everything to a grinding halt.

Amy-That's me exactly! I feel like a horrible person for not wanting to go to the funeral home memorial, but believe me, I've thought of little else but Westley this year. We have a big family, and there was always an aunt or 2nd cousin or some such funeral to go to. Westley hated the funeral home and after he got bigger he never wanted to go and I didn't make him if he didn't want to. My memorial has been going on since the day he died, and I just don't want to have a meltdown. A public meltdown, I have meltdowns every day. And I've watched hours of mindless tv shows and played computer garmes (bubbleshooter anyone?) when I can't cry or think anymore. I do want to go to the one at the cemetery because I go there on Sunday anyway. Its pretty, they put candles on all the graves in paper bags or jars so they won't turn over. Its right at sundown. Oh, hope the cold doesn't hang around forever and you get to feeling better soon.

Betty-How sweet that there was a memorial to Stephen for Thanksgiving. I'm glad your sister is better and hope you get home to your own computer soon.

There is a thing at church tonight (does it ever end?) that we host a big dinner every year. The high school choir comes and does Christmas music. They are always so young and beautiful and sing so pretty. I just don't want to go see it this time. I usually have volunteered for pies or something, but I didn't this year and I'm not going to go. Call me scrooge if you will, but I'm not in the mood for young beautiful high school singers of merry Christmas music.

Talk to you all later, hope your day is bearable.

[kmb22]

Trudi – I’m sorry for the upset you had to endure at the ignorance of another. I’m glad you were able to get the comment removed. I recall one in particular making comments to the online forum of our local paper. He decided this was his time to rave about the irresponsibility of people who ride bikes and how they "bring these things to themselves". No matter how many begged him to stop he continued. I still shake at the thought of his words and the complete evil in his heart. I’m so sorry you had to go through that feeling. I’m glad you’ll be making your way back to the beach and hopefully more peaceful feelings. I’m with you, I’ll be very glad when the holidays over.

Dee – The pictures are great, thank you for sharing them with us.

Carol – I’m glad you were able to get the returns taken care of and that you were able to enjoy your dinner with the family. Your poem is beautiful, and so touching, thank you for sharing it with us. The penny, wow…I love It when stuff like that happens.

Betsy – I agree with you…not so creepy at all. I’m glad Rich was able to join you and Sarah for dinner.

Sherry – Staring at the TV, numb, watching meaningless shows…it makes perfect sense. Most of the time, it just plays in the background as a diversion to the silence I can’t yet bear. I love the last line of your poem, I’m glad the memory of this most precious line was returned.

Rhonda and Amy - I know what you mean about the memorial services. I too would feel like it’s re-experiencing the most painful moment of our lives. I say re-experiencing and not re-living purposely as living was so far from what I was doing those awful days. I still don’t know if I’ll ever find the will to “live” again but I continue, breathing, somewhat functioning, and experiencing this thing they call life, on its own, too often, painful terms. Amy I agree, I don’t think we need to stand in a place with strangers to prove our love. We know, our children know,…we continue to let them know every day. Rhonda, I’ve become a text twist and mahjong addict myself.

Leah – It’s good to see you posting again. I’m so sorry to hear of your back and knee. I’ll pray healing thoughts for you and a speedy recovery from the pain. I’m also sorry your brother’s visit didn’t go well. It’s a shame when we can’t count on family to at least fake being kind. Good for you for keeping your cool. I sometimes say I’ve had to bite my tongue so hard at times, I thought my teeth would touch. Sorry for the visual. I hope you’re able to find time to rest and recover. I know you have the need to take care of everyone but you have to continue to take care of you.

Betty – I’m so glad to hear your sister is recovering well. What a beautiful story of your holiday and remembering Stephen.

Colleen – It’s good to see you back too. I hear you as well…I miss my boy too. {Hugs}

I just finished reading 90 minutes in Heaven. I hadn't planned to read it but came across a copy on line last night and recalled some good reviews. If you haven't heard of it, it's the experiences of Don Piper after his accident which he explains took his life for 90 minutes and his experience in Heaven, which he describes in great detail. The book is still resonating so, as a whole, I can't really say exactly how I feel about it. I can't say I share each opinion of it's author but his account of his experience does show an example of the strength given to us if we can find it in our worst moments. Though, I know I say these words as a hypocrite; I still can't imagine I'll ever find the strength to endure this pain. I thought I'd share a few lines which brought me a little peace today.

"Joy pulsated through me as I looked around, and at that moment I became aware of a large crowd of people. They stood in front of a brilliant, ornate gate. Their faces radiated a serenity I had never seen on earth. All were full of life and expressed radiant joy. Warm, radiant light engulfed me. As I looked around, I could hardly grasp the vivid, dazzling colors. Every hue and tone surpassed anything I had ever seen. Everything was brilliantly intense. Coming out from the gate—a short distance ahead—was a brilliance that was brighter than the light that surrounded us, utterly luminous. In those minutes—and they held no sense of time for me—others touched me, and their warm embraces were absolutely real. I saw colors I would never have believed existed. All worries, anxieties, and concerns vanished. I had no needs, and I felt perfect."

Below I've posted a picture I found on line years ago and had filed away under "cool pictures". I think shows part of the beauty he describes.

Kathy, Christina, Susannah, Lorri, Greg, Bonnie, Crystal, and all I’ve missed, I wish you all a peaceful day. <3 and prayers. Karen

[briansdad]

Dee askedGreg, beautiful music, thanks. What is new with you?

I'm going to be the speaker at our BP Usa candlelight service next Sunday.I'll post the speech when I finish it tonight.

Take care,

Greg

[nicksdad]

Karen...I started reading 90 minutes in heaven many months ago but stopped. You say you can't say exactly how you feel about it. Well I felt "mad" when I read it and that is why I stopped.

My reasoning is "why does Don Piper get 90 min and I get none"...how is that for rational thinking..pretty sad I know. But, all it did was frustrate me thinking why him and not me and if it was me I think i'd be in a better place right now "knowing" what is there, and knowing Nick is happy.

Sooner or later i'll revisit the book I am sure but not yet.

Total nonsense I know....

[ericasmom]

Karen, I am glad that the book gave you some solace, a hint of what our Babies might be seeing right now. Dan, I get the anger feelings about it, though at this point or later you may feel differently. Love the picture Karen.

There are many books that spoke to my pain and my despair, some of them immersing you into another person's expereince with grief, allowing me to see the similarities adn differences. The unique-ness of each person's experience.

[kmb22]

Edit.

[lolynbo]

OK SO I GOT A LONG STORY TO TELL...BUT THERE IS A GIRL THAT GOT A HEAD INJURY FROM SKIING..HER NAME IS JESSE...I FOUND HER ON A WEB PAGE ASKING FOR PRAYERS FOR HER FROM HER MOTHER...I WANTED TO POST A PART OF HER EMAIL TO ME...(FROM THE MOM)...IV TOLD HER ABOUT KOURTNEY AND WHAT WE WENT THRU...

Hi Lorri...Thank you for your note and friendship...I am so sorry about your baby girl...she is absolutely breathtaking and so full of beauty and life. Thank you for your prayers...Prayers for you and your precious family as you continue to live one day at a time...Yes....she is getting better....she is becoming more independent to an extent. She is battling with thought processes and motor planning, all those things that come from the executive part of her brain..She is delayed and has major memory loss. But we do have her to hug and kiss...we are so thankful for everything she has gotten back. And continue to pray that she regains more so she can become more independent. Words can't express my sorrow for your family. I hate cancer...I am a hospice nurse and I hate cancer...It is an evil that needs..has..to be destroyed....

How did you come to know me? was it through the carepages?

Where do you live? Big hug to you my friend....and continued prayers for comfort and peace...knowing one day you will be with her again...

God absolutely did show her something better...and what a beautiful way to look at it...for on this side...what a horrific journey for all of you....it is beyond anyones ability to know the journey of having a perfect beautiful daughter and to see that stripped from her and then to deal with people who didn't know her before ....My own daughter...beautiful and healthy...tragic skiing accident...massive head injury...all of her skull removed...and her to be a mute spastic quadriplegic...I wanted to scream...her name is Jessie and she is simply beautiful and loving and full of life...her carepages was my outlet for the last year and half..

http://www.carepages.com/carepages/JessicaBoone

We spent 40 days in ICU at Grand Junction, Colorado...then the next 5 months in Integris Baptist Rehab Hospital...being discharged as a mute spastic quadriplegic. After about 8 months they put her skull back on 1/2 half at a time with a few months in between...when we went in for the appt for the first surgery...the plastic surgeon asked why are we doing this? and the neurosurgeon gave us the grimest report....and the risks unspeakable...we gave it all to God over and over and with no control just walked day by day hoping and waiting.... through a lot of time and alot of therapy and alot of grace..she is where she is today...and we are so thankful....as you know...

To read Kourtneys journey makes me weep as no one knows everything you went through fighting for your baby's life. I am so sorry...it is impossible to understand why Kourtney? why your dad? why does this happen to such a beautiful young life? That is where I hold on to my faith and cling to God and wait for His return where He will take cancer, brain injuries, disease and cast them all into the pit of hell to never return....and we will join her in that place of perfect love, light and peace...She has been removed from this broken world and all the pain and disease and yes I believe she has definitely been shown something so much better we can't even imagine...In scripture it talks about how there is no time in heaven...and we are bound by time here on earth...that means that Kourtney will see you the very same day she left this earth...she doesn't have to wait...it is like a breath to her....we are the ones bound and have to wait to join her and have the freedom that Kourtney now lives in...That is a great place of peace to me and for the losses I have had in this broken life...

I feel very honored and blessed that you reached out to me and share a very sacred part of your life..........would love to meet you one day....yes...our lives will never be the same...I pray to be kinder, more compassionate,more forgiving, a better listener, a gentler healing servant, definitely more humble as I realize how precious life is....

Blessings of comfort, love and peace...forever and ever....

THE ONE LINE IN HERE THAT GETS ME THE MOST IS NO TIME IN HEAVEN KOURTNEY WILL SEE ME ON THE SAME DAY THAT SHE LEFT....GOSH IN A BLINK OF THE EYE....ALSO THIS IS A PIC OF JESSE...I TOLD MARCIA THE EYES REMIND ME OF WHAT I WLD THINK KOURTNEYS WLD LOOK LIKE IF SHE WAS HERE, FROM THE SUFFERING AND STRUGGLE SHE WENT THRU...

[summergirl]

Hello ALL Indigo's - A quick stop in to let you know that I am still here...doctor today and have a viral cold...nothing they can do except let it run it's course...told me YOU NEED REST and I laughed....he told me not to go back to work for at least 2 days so guess what - I will be working at the other house...I know I need the rest but we are officially out of this house on Saturday so I cannot stop. The painting is COMPLETE, carpets down on Friday and then the fun begins of putting everything together but at least I do not have to rush with that. Tavian is home and I am so happy about that, missed him alot. I have read the posts as always but just too tired to write anymore. I am with all of you in spirit and thoughts...Love, Peace and Strength..Kathy

[daveydow1]

Dee-----The pic of the flowers-----they are waterlilies/lily pads. Could their botanical name be anemones ?? (I'm not

very good with the botanical names of plants.) So nice you went shopping at the artists shop and bought such a nice

gift for Jon & Shannon. Oh---chicken about turkeys??? So funny .

Susannah-----I so agree......playing the t.v. without much care of what is on can be the "mindless" diversion that we all

need in those agonizing first several months on this road. I always say ----"it's a lousy road to be on, but here we are..."

Oh, by the way-----I never watch Jerry Springer anymore.

Amy-----Hope your cold doesn't hang around too long......colds are dreadful. Yes,...I so know what you mean about

being in shock at the funeral of your beloved daughter. I, too, think that I must have been shock at Dave's funeral.......

sort of like a robot, in ways. I guess it's the minds way of protecting us, as the books all tell you. Take care of yourself.

Trudi----I'm glad that the administrators took down that evil message someone sent you. Only 4 words, but oh....how

very deeply they hurt you. I'm so sorry. This is one reason I don't usually venture far into the internet. I hope & pray

that this never happens to you again. Peace & comfort, friend.

Leah-----Prayers that you will be feeling better soon. Sorry about the unpleasant words from your brother.

Betty-----I'm going to assume that those first few lines, and the last line of Lisa's poem is all I will be able to remember.

The waterlily pic was taken on a beautiful summer day (even a few dragonflies around ), so I snapped away with my

new digital camera. Was past the pond awhile back after the first killing frost, and all the flowers & pads were brown

and frost bitten. They'll be back next year though.....most likely. I know nothing about waterlilies, but I love them.

Rhonda------Dear friend.......I know just what you mean about not wanting to go to the church dinner with music by the choir.

These events are wonderful, but to one whose heart is so broken, I can see where it would be too much. After Dave's

death, I don't participate in church or church events.......and feel somewhat bad about that.....but I just feel adrift when it

comes to participating in very much. Sending thoughts & prayers for you as the Christmas season is upon us. Hang on,

friend, and come to BI often.

Karen-----Yep---it doesn't seem to have any reflection on our interests, really..........the playing of some t.v. programs in those

first few months on this road. As you say....it is just useful to fill time, and the sound may be just enough distraction to keep

the terrible feelings and tears at bay for a little while.

Dan-----I read "90 Minutes in Heaven" too......several years ago. I, too, felt a sense of unfairness also. Not that I wasn't glad

that the author was able to ultimately survive, but that my son, Dave, could not also come back, and recover. I do realize,

from his writing, that the road back to health and recovery for him, was excruciatingly painful and difficult. I guess, when we

read these types of stories, we can't help but put ourselves in their place, and be envious that they got a 2nd chance, and

our beloved children didn't . Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Just saying hello to all and wishing you a good week. Have read everyone’s posts and Betty, so glad that your sister is better, and the wonderful gift she gave you of having Stephen’s picture on the table and having written a poem for him. Betsy: Yes, indeed, your Rich called to let you know that he was with you at the restaurant…what a Thanksgiving gift! Leah: I am glad your brother has left, and so sorry that you had to endure the stress and more that he caused during his visit. You are one strong lady! Lorri: I visited Jessica’s Care pages and left a message…thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. Sherry: I loved the pic of the water lilies...so beautiful and serene. I remember a therapist telling me once that when I feel truly stressed or anxious, to take a few deep breaths and think of the the waterlily, rising above all the action in the water beneath them, to just quietly sit there and be still. Cathi took some pics of waterlilies this summer also, and I used them as a trio of pics on a picture book I made for her for Christmas, showing all the beautiful pics she'd taken all summer of the flowers in her yard. I can't wait for her to open it. Kathy: take care of yourself…I know that you must do a lot in this coming week, I so wish I could be there to help! But try to take some time each day for a break…peace, quiet, lots of water, and good food to keep you going. Glad Tavian is back…he will bring lightness to your moments again. Dee: Loved, the pictures of the lions…Jamie was here when I opened the post, and he loved them, too. Thought they were very impressive.

The memorial services sometimes can be tough, and we each have to make our own choice as to whether we feel strong enough to attend---we are the only ones who can know that, and no one should question our decision and we definitely should not be feeling guilty or horrible about that decision.

I would, though, like to share the results of a decision we made one time to go to a service. The hospice service that so kindly and caringly helped us with Mike, held a service for all those who had passed on the year gone by. Though I didn’t want to be in a crowd of people I didn’t even know, we felt it was important to acknowledge their wonderful work, and so we went. They had a reading of the names of those who had died, and as each name was announced, someone went and lit a candle for that person…I think there were perhaps 30 or so. They read a couple of prayers, sang a song, and one of the pastors spoke some words of comfort to each of the families. It was a very moving service and did bring comfort, surprisingly. After the service, they had a “tea” which we almost didn’t attend, but someone caught our attention as we were leaving, so we stayed for a bit. A bit later, as people started filtering out, we edged our way toward the door. Mike’s nurse, Jackie, called to us, and came over and gave us each a hug. Then she said “I just wanted you to know that when I first started taking care of Mike, I had a few reservations about how the relationship would go. (a little info for those who are new to BI---Mike had a lot of tattoos, he even had a slim one on his face; he had a colorful history, and sometimes people would get the impression from first meeting that he was a little rough around the edges---we used to jokingly tell him “all of us aren’t everyone’s particular cup of tea”. We of course, knew Mike, knew his heart, knew his life, and were always amused at how sometimes people would initially react to meeting him, and then watch as they fell under his spell…Mike was charming, knew how and when to be a gentleman. He was an all around happy person to be alive, to have the gifts he had in his life, to have lived the life he lived…he had many adventures that some only dream of, and this rounded him out even more.) Jackie went on to tell us that she had taken care of many people since she had become a nurse, and thought she had learned a lot through her job. But, she told us, Mike taught her more than anyone what it is to truly love people and love life. She said “I always thought I knew better than to judge a book by its cover, but after treating Mike and getting to know him, I realized I had only been giving that saying lip service. Through tears, she said “He truly changed my life.” Tears fall as I remember this encounter…I will always remember Jackie and the kindnesses she showed Mike during her care of him, and my heart will forever be comforted when I think of her words to me about our son. This was such a true gift to us, one we treasure.

Wishing for you all a good week ahead...Ralph and I are planning on going to VA to visit Kim and the girls. We will be leaving on Thurs morning and coming back home on Wed of the next week. Davis, who hates to be alone, is not happy about this...but, he will pull through, I'm sure... Just hope we don't run into snow on the trip...

love and peace to all---Trudi, Marcia, Bonnie, Karen, Amy, Colleen, Sus, Greg, Dan, Brian, and anyone I haven't mentioned...blessings and prayers to all of you. Thank you all so very much for being here.

carol mikesmomrs

ps: Our NEW turkey was a turkey breast, as I posted earlier, but I forgot to tell you, when we took it out of the oven, the herb/butter that I had spread under the skin had browned up a bit and had formed a perfect heart on one side---so sweet.