Loss of an Adult Child

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Indigos

I wanted to remember some BI parents and their angels that do not post that often.

Parent - Angel

Cindy - Tanner

Enid - Ethan

Lynn - Kayla

Greg - Brian

Valerie - Geoff

Terri - Adam

Gerry - Matt

Dale - Avery

Carrie - David

Julie - Cory

Shelly - Rohan

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Thinking of my boy today. Cold, overcast and windy in WI today. Good day to eat and watch football

[Chris]

Rick let me sleep in this morning while he cleaned house and went to the store to get the final things for thanksgiving. I'm sure he's been on the phone with his mom most of the morning on what he needs.

I got up and came downstairs to drink my coffee, glanced over at David's picture that sits beside my monitor and noticed a hospital bracelet sitting next to it that has never been there. I picked it and and it was David's dated 9/19/10. It's the bracelet they put on him after he had been air vac to St Johns after midnight. I didn't even know we had this, I don't know why it's sitting here but I do know it was taken off him right before he died and handed to Rick but I also thought he said he didn't want them. I just keep holding them knowing that he wore this for 8 days up to his death. My day has come to a complete stop before I can start. I feel very numb right now. I feel like I'm sitting in that hospital praying that he lives so desperately only to walk out of there with an organ donor notebook telling me how to cope after my son has died.

[westleysmom]

To all of you cooking a huge meal while your heart's not in it, I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength for the task. Going to my sister's in a few, stopping at the cemetery either on the way there or back. I slept as long as I could and am trying to not cry constantly. Bonnie (I think) or maybe it was Carol with the poem "Always Remembered" I printed with a picture of our little family before and framed. I don't know if I'll take it with me, but I think I will. God I miss him.

Dee-CONGRATS to Jon and Shannon! I know you're so happy about their engagement.

Trudi-Thinking of you dear. I hope my new sadness does not add to anyone else's. I'm sorry your Mal just doesn't understand.

Susannah-Thanks for the list and including my dear Westley.

Love to you all this Thanksgiving Day and thank you for being there for me. All is not lost if you have friends who care, and that is what you are to me.

[ericasmom]

Hi All, spent some time with my Husband's Auntie and uncle today, and now getting ready to take some food to John's Moms home at the senior housing. I have cranberry pumpkin bread cooking and will be off.

Col, may it be better than you anticipated/

Trud, holding you so let those tears fall till they are done for today...walk the beach and watch for angels,

Carol, Bon, Kath, Betsy, Betty, Leah, Karen, and Amy, and Marcia, and Sus, holy Cow so many, Greg, Dan, Terri, to all Those Wonderful Parents I have come to feel like family with, thank you for the loving ways you join in here.

I raise my glass to you and to all of our precious Angels.

[mikesmum]

Fitful sleep, up early. Other half arrived late last night. As hard as it is for me I guess in its own way its hard for him too.

Puffy faced I walked my pup this morning. Cool with the threat of rain.

Dee - In my rant and self absorb 'why me' I missed Jon's news. Such a heart warming thought. Your boy taking that next step. Eri must approve, I get that.

Carol - You know me too well my friend. You also know the journey and its abyss.

Betsy - That story evoked memories of my 'newly married' parents. Both from the 'city', dad took his army discharge and headed for a farm. It was a sheep farm in our Western District. Flat and dry. He applied to be a share farmer on this property telling the owners that mum was a great cook and would be more than happy to feed the many shearers on the property. Truth be told she struggled with boiling water. Surviving that they moved to a dairy farm. The most precious story, the day my baby brother was born. Dad was being inducted into the lodge and the cows still needed milking. Mum was full term and went into labour half way through the milking. Neighbours were there to finish the milking. Mum was taken the 1hr trip to the local hospital covered in cow dung wearing dad's overalls. Dad arrived in his dinner suit fresh from the induction....oh what I would have given for a 'family portrait'.

To all and there are so many more than when I first arrived here, I wish you a peaceful Thanksgiving filled with better memories that you imagined.

While we don't have thanks giving here, I would like to give thanks to have had Micheal for 31yrs and thanks for the family still around me. I give thanks for those whose hearts and lives like mine are changed for ever, that they have found the time and compassion to hold me in their thoughts when the load is too much..

Thank you Indigos.....

[ericasmom]

Trudi, don't be silly, self absorbed? Don't think so, when we are sad, we are sad, not selfish, just sad.It is hard on those who love us too, yes, but there is nothing we can do to help them with it, it is something they have to want to understand if they are going to. Yep, I think that Eri is dancing to the happy heartbeats of her Brother.

Miss Lorri, did you get the tree up and everything? I do hope that you are feeling better, but it sure sounds like what I had and dealt with for longer than I thought I would have to. Take something to help clear your sinus passages, I had a sore throat for over three weeks, tired as all get out that first week and a half of it, and a cough that actually continues on a bit. Many of my students had it the same way while others were able to be done with it in a weeks time. So here's hoping that your bug gets out of your system quickly.

Bonnie, are you celebrating Thanksgiving with your Little Guy?

Colleen so kindly named folks that are not often posting but who remain in our hearts over the years, Thanks Colleen, ...we do think of you and hope that somehow, you are in a better place today...a place where some of the memories bring more joy than ache. One name I am definitely thinking of is Kaye, mother of Johnny. Blessings Kaye. Names I didn't include earlier just cause my brain does not hold much anymore: Sonya, Jen, Patricia, Claudia, Mary, Sue, Elaine, Scott, ...I know that there are more names, more parents who also find themselves with an empty chair. For all those I have missed here, forgive my lack of continuity.

[aim630]

Susannah-Thanks for naming all our angels, and remembering Ashley's name. Unfortunately, there are a lot of us here, but I'm glad we have each other. I honestly don't know how I would get through at all without being able to come here & read what the others post.

Trudi-I read what you wrote in the middle of the night (I couldn't sleep either), and wanted to respond then, but I didn't know what to say. My husband is Ashley's stepdad, and although he's been around since she was 2 and loved her a lot, I don't think it's the same for him as it is for me. He has broken down a few times, but for the most part, it is me. I sometimes get jealous he has all 3 of his own kids (4, including Katie), and I had to lose Ashley.

Christina-I'm sorry you're remembering those last few days in the hospital. I can relate to the terror that we were going to lose Ashley & desperately praying for her to recover. I never really gave up hope until the doctors said it was over, 1 1/2 hrs after her heart first stopped. I came across the shoes she wore to the hospital last November, and never dreamed she'd never wear shoes again, or be out of the hospital bed.I hope that someday, those will not be the first thoughts we have, and that the good memories will be the first thing that comes to our mind when we think of our kids.

My 3 stepkids all got into a fight with each other at their mother's, and refused to come over for Thanksgiving. The 2 oldest are mad at the youngest for what seems like a silly reason to me. We were supposed to take 2 of the grandkids overnight tomorrow, now Jeff's son is refusing to let us see his daughter. I don't even know how my husband got dragged into this, he wasn't even there. My 17 year old Katie, was looking forward to this for weeks, and was in tears because Autumn can't come. She planned to make gingerbread men with them & had some crafts planned. Tomorrow is Ashley's birthday, so she needed some kind of diversion tomorrow. She really loves her nieces & nephews. She said the other kids don't know how lucky they are to have each other, and she would do anything just to have Ashley back. It's a shame, you think they would remember all that has happened over the past year, and get over their silly fights. You never know what might happen to one you love.

Love to all of you,

Amy/Ashley's mom

I hope everyone got through this day ok.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - I am feeling so crappy, thought I was getting better and now I feel as though I am back at day one of this cold. But, I am thankful today for all of those here.....I am thankful for the wonderful, beautiful, wonderous 26 years I had with my Jessica - BUT I WANT HER HERE WITH ME NOW !!!!!

Trudi - oh my friend, I feel your pain....your words straight to my heart.....

I talked to my mom tonight and we spent the entire time talking about Jessica and my little brother Billy - it will be 9 years Feb 28 since Billy passed and it will be 5 years Feb 18 since Jessica.....we talked of how people keep telling us to "move on", "get over it" and all the other stupid things people say....Mom said "There is no getting over it, there is no moving on, there is just this new life that you learn to live with but you are forever changed, never to be the same again" - it was a wonderful, tearful talk.

I once again have read the posts but am just not up to replying to all, know that you are in my heart and prayers as always. I need some sleep so good nite my friends...love and peace, Kathy

[nicksdad]

[mikesmomrs]

ASHLEY...ASHLEY...ASHLEY...such a beautiful name for such a beautiful girl...Amy, your daughter is celebrating with all our angels...I know that you wish so very much she was there with you to celebrate. My heart aches for you. Ashley, please surround your mom with love today, brush her cheek with your precious spirit, let her know that you are with her, always.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

ASHLEY---ASHLEY---ASHLEY

You were born like a song, entering the hearts and minds of so many,blessing them with your electric smile. This day will always be special Ashley.

Amiee, may there be a little piece of goodness allowing you the grace of this day.

[Guest msnher]

Glad that's over! Actually, it was a decent enough day. Lots of food, good company and no fighting, save Little Curtis' temper tantrum (he's almost 2).

Colleen - Thanks for posting the names of parents and angels I missed or did not know. I am sad that there are so many of us. And, I am grateful we have each other. The irony or contradiction of grief. A high price was paid for us all to meet. Now that I've found you I wouldn't want to be without you. But how I wish none of us would have ever had to search for each other.

Kathy - Again, the irony of it all. The bond that you and your mother share and the intimacy of a conversation that could never be held with someone who doesn't know....so precious..........and, so very sad! I hope you are feeling better tomorrow!

Chris - How did your Thanksgiving dinner turn out?

I, too, am in need of sleep.

Goodnight, my friends!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Just checking in at the end of the day to say I hope you all were able to have a peaceful day, filled with memories of your angel, sweet, grace-filled memories that held your heart in a "lightness of being." Our plans were changed late last night, when Cathi called, sounding just awful, saying that she and the kids likely should not come over today as they are all pretty sick, coughing, blowing, sore, etc. No, that would not be a good idea...thanks for thinking of us, Cathi. So, we are planning on doing the T-day on Sunday---hopefully they will be better by then.

So, today we spent the day trying to hook up our "vhs to dvd recording" software...didn't work...wasn't windows 7 compatible. Also, we knew that the hospital down the street, where Ralph was when he had pneumonia in September, was having a special thanksgiving day buffet today, so we went and bought dinner for Cathi and the kids and took it out to them (she lives about 45 minutes away). (this hospital is known for having very good food) I knew she didn't have much food in the house, because she told me she was going grocery shopping on Friday, as that is when she gets paid. We also stopped and got them some drinks and some juice and snacks, so they were all very surprised to see us drive up. We called to tell them we were "bringing some juice" by...so when Cathi and Davis came out to say hello from the porch, they were surprised to see the bags we had for them. She called me later to say the dinner was delicious and they were so very happy we brought it to them. We didn't get home til after dark, which I don't like, but I was really glad taht we brought it out to them...just seeing their surprise was worth it all.

Amy: I am sorry that Katie didn't get to spend the time with Autumn as she had planned (what a sweet thing for her to think of doing, by the way). Perhaps the family dynamics will settle down over the next few days and arrangements can be made for a later "meet up."

Lor: Hope you got your tree up okay, and had a good day as well.

Bonnie: How did Dano do today? DId you have a good dinner?

Betsy: Loved the story about the calf and the crystal...your poor mom (or, should I say, your poor dad!)...thanks for sharing. Trudi, loved your story, also. I hope you are seeing more sunshine soon...and not just in the sky.

Dee, again, I am so glad about Jon...I wish I could give him and Shannon a huge hug! They likely would just wonder what this crazy lady they've never seen is doing, though?! Give them one for me, okay?

christina--David's mom---I am so sorry you had to feel such sorrow on seeing David's hospital bracelet...those things just keep turning up over time, and you never know how you are going to react to them until it happens...in these early months, especially, it triggers such painful memories. I remember when they came to begin in-bed hospice for Mike...the procedure is to put a yellow (I think it's yellow) band on their wrist, for DNR, "Do Not Resuscitate." We knew it was not long til he would be gone, but putting that band on just seemed to say "Go, just go." My heart was broken enough as it was, so we asked them to not put it on...we would be with him from then on---he would never be alone, and when something happened, we could pull it out of the drawer if necessary. We didn't have to, fortunately (or, unfortunately, as the case may be...wishing I'd never even heard of such a thing!). I still have the bands from his brain surgeries (two) and have not looked at them since I put them in a box when he came home from the hospital. don't know if I ever will.

To all, I am most thankful for this site, and for all of the loving and caring people here (though I truly wish none of us ever had to be here), and for all the comfort, love and understanding we give to each other here...I know that it goes a long way towards giving each of us strength to draw that next breath, to get up in the morning, to have all the good, sweet memories of our precious child holding our hearts in a gentle embrace...

love and peace to all my fellow indigos...carol mikesmomrs

[Chris]

My day was ok. My brother & one of my nephews came over to eat with us. They knew I wasn't really in shape to do this whole stay in the kitchen thing so it was cute when they showed up with boxes of stuffing and some kind of potato in a box. They are total bachelors so it made me smile. Rick was on the phone with his mom and had everything covered. He even made the green bean casserole. My youngest niece came over but she's a mess and was wanting to talk about herself too much. I was fighting to keep my emotions in check so I didn't upset anyone and felt this wave of sadness come over me so I went upstairs to the restroom to hide but my niece caught me and was crying telling me she couldn't cope without David here. I don't know how I came off but I think I told her I couldn't do this right now and quickly close the door to the restroom. I decided I needed to just take a shower so I stood in that warm water and cried my heart out. The rest of the day was ok for me. I visited, we watched football video of my youngest son since their season just ended and said goodbye to the 3 family members that showed up.

I got on my facebook and went to David's page and saw several of his friends had posted how much they missed him today. That was so sweet. I'm glad that he was in their thoughts today. I knew the rest of my family had got together with the niece that had let David die so I was trying hard not to think about that but I kept wondering if they missed me at all, did they miss David at all. No one called. I guess not. I still can't believe my mother is doing to to me. That is a pain I really have to block out. I'm so much better when I'm angry at her and not sad over her. Anger is an emotion I can do something about. I can stomp, scream and beat the heck out of pillow, but sadness controls me.

It got real quiet in the house tonight, I was missing him and needing desperately to touch him, to breath him in so I went upstairs to David's room. On his bed is the pictures I've been working on arranging to be framed for the walls when his sons come for Christmas vacation. I got his leather jacket out of the closet because he wore it all the time and it still smelled like him and I sat down around all the pictures hugging the jacket and had a major melt down. I think what started it was the thought that the holiday was over and he wasn't there. The thought of any holiday with him not in it is overwhelming. I miss him so bad right at this moment I can't breath. I WANT HIM HOME NOW!!!! I don't think I'm ever going to stop crying. This hurts too much. He didn't have to die. Why didn't she give him CPR, why didn't she call 911, why didn't she love him enough to save him. All the friggin whys in the world will never bring my baby back and I'm just broken.

I'm rambling again. I'm sorry if my sadness upsets anyone. I just don't know what to do with it. It's bigger than me.

I want to remember all your angels so I can speak their names out loud. I will in time. My tears tonight are for all our angels. They are all together now.

[mikesmomrs]

Christina: "I'm rambling again. I'm sorry if my sadness upsets anyone. I just don't know what to do with it. It's bigger than me." please remember...your sadness is a part of you, and you are a part of us...we hold you close and truly understand...I don't think there is any one of us who has not stood or sat in a room and screamed "I WANT HIM/HER BACK NOW!!!!" My heart goes out to you, dear friend...we all hold you close.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Chris]

Thank you Carol. I think I get so use to apologizing to people for my grief that it carries over here and I really have no idea why I apologize. It could be because I never cried in front of people before and I am always the strong one that takes care of everyone else. Now I just don't know myself any more. I say things I would have never said. I cry over simple things like smells, Uuuggg, I just need to go to bed and sleep. It's 2:30am here. I think I would just like to go to sleep and wake up whenever I can not feel like this alien any more, even if it takes 20 years. I'm emotionally worn out which has drained me spiritually. I think my pain is shouting louder than my prayers so I don't really hear God speak to me any more which makes me feel like He's not there. I know He's there, I just need to feel He's there right now because He has my son. Does that make sense?

[mysonrich]

good morning Indigo's. I wanted to share this with you all. Thanksgiving Day was very nice. Dinner was delicious . My cousins , all 12 of them my aunt/uncles children and spouses,kids, older/younger, the baby, my 2nd cousin at 9 months, such a sweetie...no feelings of , " I have to get out of here".

Sarah arrived and some of us were milling around the living room and I had a feeling and my mind said, " Richie is here". I didn't expect him to walk around the corner at any moment. Its was a sense of his being that I felt. Now Sarah would say that I'm nuts. When others have munitioned his presence, I have heard her say this. Nevertheless, I felt him around her too. I guess he rode in with her.

The rest of the day was uneventful until a cousin in-law cornered my hard working daughter and asked her to chauffeur my aunt one day next week. Sarah will gladly drive her. The point being, she works a lot and most importantly, she has a low car. The kind of car one has to tumble out of ( at my age I do) and kind of pick yourself up off the ground. This request coming from my aunts children. she has 4, 2 not working. Granted, they live an hour away. But if you aren't working..what is time..I'm just saying. I don't understand except that the responsibility shift, I get.

before Rich died I would grin and bear it. When Sarah left the room and I was alone with this person I told her that she had no right to put my daughter on the spot as she did and that my aunt was not Sarah's responsibility.

Sarah's only comment was along the line of, why aren't they taking care of this and when did the in=laws( cousins) start to carry the load? I don't know but she'll be here to help out my aunt. Sarah was with me, as was Rich, through many of our 4 hour rides to reach my mom when she was in the hospital. So no, we don't get it.

any who, I might tell Sarah about Rich. I know I will get the eye-roll.

[mysonrich]

Ashley,

[rlolheiser]

I missed saying this yesterday, my mind wanders

Ashley

Happy Birthday sweet Angel, I hope mom felt your presence close to her as you always are.

[ericasmom]

David's Mom wrote: I think my pain is shouting louder than my prayers so I don't really hear God speak to me any more which makes me feel like He's not there. I know He's there, I just need to feel He's there right now because He has my son. Does that make sense?

It makes sense to each of us here Sweetie. Having been the strongest one and never crying has left the house. You are still going to be the strong one but crying is going to have to happen too, and believe me, we are all stronger than we ever planned to find out, but we cry. Crying in fact helps us to be strong. Our tears stand for the lives we have led adn lost, and they are the proof that we are still standing, even when we wish we were not. A puddle of salt stains the floors wherever I roam, it is part and parcel to so great a loss.

Betsy, so good to hear that you had a nice Thanksgiving, so very nice and especially wonderful that you felt the presence of Rich, circling his family, and resting with you. I am glad that others felt him there too and that they verbalized it.

I will continue reading, just had to post bits at a time to assist my poor memory.

[ericasmom]

Carol, if you went up to Jon and Shan and hugged them with the love that exudes from you...well suffice it to say that they would feel well loved and somehow connected. Jon does not visit this site, but he sure hears about it. How good of you and Ralph to take th efood to Cathi and Davis and the kids. I know she must have felt that the hands of an angel helped direct you two.

Auntie and Uncle were leaving our house just now to catch a ride with Uncle Brian to go to mass, (Brian's former wife and still best friend, Serina, is very ill and he is so worried, Brian is Auntie Gayles Brother, they are in their mid 70's) anyhow, Auntie and Uncle Yates are going to go home to Detroit via the Amtrak. She hugged me and with a catch in her voice said, " boarding the train is so much harder now, we will say hello and blessings in Kalamazoo." (It was the AMTRAK from Chicago that hit Eri's car in Kalamazoo. I so appreciate her saying this to me. So much. We need folks to remember, to get what it takes to breathe and do good in this world when a part of our hearts remain broken.

I will begin to dress in super layers in a little while and walk to the train and get downtown. the new wreathes for the lions were designed by a married couple and are said to satisfy both the traditionalists and the modernists. I hear that they are solar powered wreathes, casting that days light when the sun sinks. How nice. I will watch the ceremonial events, my eyes will be wet as music and good cheer brings forth the emotion that always is present...

[Guest msnher]

Pie for breakfast this morning!

Oh Chris, I have been where you are. The pain is acute, new, invading every fiber of our being and expecting us to keep breathing. I understand wanting to go to sleep and not wake up until I get to see Stephanie again. I'm so sorry, my new friend! It will ease, soften and become more manageable. I wish I could say it goes away, but it doesn't........not completely. Hang on..........you don't walk alone!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Chris - If I am out of line, here, please don't be offended because that is not my intention.........but, the questions you ask about your nieces involvment (or lack, thereof) in David's death are very GOOD questions. Perhaps they need to be asked of her by someone with authority, ie the DA?? I don't understand why the authorities aren't involved already. Do they know what happened? The only trouble she might get in is a judge will force her into rehab, therefore saving HER life. Sure, you might be scorned by your family but it seems you already are. What have YOU got to lose? Not what do they have to lose.

Just my opinion........you know what they're like......opinions.......

Hugs to you again!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

PS, Chris - Your brother and nephew rate real high on my people list....too cool!

[Chris]

sounds like some had good healthy thanksgiving. That is promising to me that I'm going to someday be able to do this.

Also, Happy Birthday Ashley!!!

Thank you Eri's mom for your strong words of encouragement, so many times when I go to post my mind wanders and I can't remember who says what to me so I can thank them but I want you all to know that I'm very grateful to every post here, especially the ones not to me because by the time I get through all of them the feeling of crashing into walls subsides a bit. You all are a uplifting force in my life that I need.

Susannah, this road has been so crazy concerning my niece. I know she's a blood relative but at this moment I've detached myself from all things of her to save myself from rage.

When David was in the hosptial, his neroligist told us to call the police and make sure they are working on David's case and not treating it as another overdose. We called, left the message from the doctor and ask that the investigating officer call us back. He never did. I was so focused on David that I didn't notice it until after David's funeral. My youngest niece called the police the day after the funeral and talked to the lead investigator, she knows him, he told her that this was a sad case, David overdosed in a parking lot from using a hot flat hair iron on a fentenyl patch, that there was nothing they could do about it. She told him that was not what happened and if they had really investigated it they would know this. She told him that David was never in that parking lot that in fact he had been at her older sisters house. She told him of her sister's involvment or lack of involvment in David's death. The officer didn't believe her and said he would have to talk to Sarah and the other woman that Jess told him took David to the hospital. He said he wanted to talk to me also. I got the message from Jess that he wanted to talk so I called the police dept and ask for the detective, told the lady who I was, who my son was and that I got a message that this detective wanted to talk to me. She said she would have him call me back.1 1/2 months later and he's not called. My sister in law was talking to a police officer at her business the other day and ask him why there has been no call back. This officer was a friend of David's growing up, they played football together. He said he was not aware that no one had called. Later that day he called me. At first he was telling me that nothing could be done, that he really liked my son and was paying his respect. I thanked him then started telling him what I knew happened to my son. See, I've done all the investigating on David's death since the police weren't so I was a bundle of information for him. I had a friend give me a link to a court case in the state of Missouri (where I live) where a man sold a fentenayl patch to a man that resulted in his death. I looked up the law on this type of case and the min sentence you can receive is no less than 20 years. I told the police officer that the law was not being followed concerning my son's case. He told me that he knew who was selling this patch in our small community but they couldn't do anything about it without catching them. He said that all of them had pending charges on them already like that was enough. I told him the difference is that a death occurred in David's case and would bring another 20 years to their sentence. He wanted to know where I was getting my information. I told him of the case I was reading, he thought I was just googling information and I'm sure thought I was just some distraught mom wanting to blame someone for my sons death. I told him this case went all the way to the Appeals Court which means that the whole police investigation was in this case to read. He asked for the case number, pulled it up on the internet and we started reading the 29 pages. When he was done he was shocked and said You are right!!! He ask for all the information, David's phone logs where I had already called every person on it to find out who's number it was, I had every note from people I had talked to who knew what happened that night so I handed all of it over to them.

Now where this goes from here is up to them. I don't know if they will do anything but I did my part and made a lot of noise over it so that the light is shining on them to do their jobs. I'm of the opinion right now that if Sarah get's into trouble for this that is her doing, she made the choice to use that night, not me, she made the choice to let him die. There should be an accountability. She's a mother, what if it had been one of her babies that got her drug and died, would she have turned her back on them to protect her addiction? That's a scarey thought that I'm not willing to risk so if she goes to jail then maybe it's saving her children s life.

[Guest msnher]

Chris - I'm just so sorry.....I don't even know what to say. I hate drugs!!! Hate them! I wish I had the power to go pick the detective up and drive him to your nieces apt and say...INVESTIGATE!!

I didn't have it in me to push a further investigation when Stephanie died. After she died we found out stuff we didn't know about. Her closest friends are sure she was murdered. Turns out she had hooked up with a guy transitioning out of prison and staying in whatever kind of "halfway" prison we have here in Casper. He had permission to go to church that morning, but instead, he and Stephanie met at his aunts house, with his little girls, and rode four wheelers. The four wheelers weren't registered or insured. The deputy said he did a thorough investigation and is sure it wasn't murder. We didn't even know she had acquired a boyfriend. At the time of her death we were still in the middle of a civil trial and the beginning of a criminal trial (against Stephanie's ex husband and his girlfriend for abuse against the children) Adding Stephanie's death to what we were already dealing with left me without the strength to pursue the accusations of murder by her friends.

There were some things done wrong. There were some things said that were insensitive, but not with the intention to cause harm. But, after some investigation, on my part, and a small but huge revelation I was finally able to put to rest the idea that my daughter might have been murdered. Sometimes it still nags at the back (or front) of my mind, but there's nothing we can do about it now. If there was foul play, I believe it will be revealed.

Oh. The reason the boyfriend was in prison was because of felony stalking his last girlfriend. He had hogtied her in a field and left her to die. He also had domestic violence charges against him due to stuff with his exwife, including trying to slit her throat. He was the only one with my daughter when she died....or not. Supposedly she had ridden off by herself and he went looking for her later.....she was already dead when he got to her....that's his story. I have never met him nor even heard of him before she died. I have no desire to meet him. My son wants to talk to him. I don't want him to. I don't trust Curtis' anger and it's not worth him getting in trouble.

The boyfriend did call 911 after he "found" Stephanie. And, he did go straight to jail for not being where he was supposed to be. The deputy didn't charge him with anything concerning Stephanie because "he has enough on his plate". "he" being Steph's boyfriend.

The most important thing I have to remind myself of, even when writing this, are the signs we received from Stephanie letting us know it wasn't foul play. I won't bore you with it now. I just want you to know I get it.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Davids Mom

I too worked with the police; however, they pursued me for information - sounds like you will have to be the pursuer if you choose to.

Personnaly, most of my issues came with the high school - Brian was 16 and just finished his junior year. Students made artwork about Brian, but were not allowed to show it - the yearbook contained no information on Brian. I think it was because of HOW Brian died, not the mere fact that a child is dead.

I was like a bull in a china shop. The student sports code allowed felons for homicide to participate in varsity sports, but you were kicked out if you got caught drinking or smoking - YEAH RIGHT. (The driver was a senior when Aaron (my surviving son) was a freshman. Brian was suppose to be a senior that year 2008-2009). Then graduation - a day of living hell.

Also, after-school open-gyms could be populated with anyone from the public - pedifiles, felons - anyone. These are now closed to the public - students only.

It took much effort, some of which Scott did not agree with. If it was up to him, no charges would have ever been filed - as it was - it was not up to him - it was the state of WI.

As of right now, it seems the police do not see David's case as a homicide - that being said, much work would be required to convince them otherwise - work requires strength, something we have in limited supply right now.

I pray for you and your family. Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[aim630]

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes for Ashley. It has been a difficult day, but your words have helped. Thanks, Nick's Dad for the beautiful picture of Ashley! I also received a card from her step-mother & a text from her boyfriend's mom saying they were thinking about us & her. She had only dated her boyfriend for about 3 months when she got sick, and he sat in that hospital room pretty much every day for the 3 months she was hospitalized. He lived about an hour away. When I couldn't be at the hospital, he would keep me updated on her condition. He's a great guy, and I'm glad Ashley dated him, even though it wasn't very long. The first time I met his parents was at her funeral.

Carol-We are going to get both grandkids tonight after all. My stepson apologized for throwing a fit yesterday.

I have read the other posts, but we are leaving soon for Cleveland.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[lolynbo]

YES GUYS WE SURVIVED 24 PLUS PPL IN MY HOUSE...AND GOT THE TREE UP THEN WENT AND LOOKED AT THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS IN THE PARK....LONG DAY THOUGH...I HAD SNEEZES EARLIER THAT MORN AND THINK I PULLED A MUSCLE IN MY BACK..NOT A GOOD WAY TO START OFF...

ASHLEY ASHLEY ASHLEY...

[lolynbo]

OUR TREE

[Chris]

Lorri that is a very pretty tree

[Guest msnher]

Happy Belly Button Day, Ashley!! Fly high. Fly free. Fly fast. And, fly by your mom and give her a hug!!

[Guest msnher]

I watched a show on the hallmark channel today and the main character hugs a ghost. I said, "I want to hug you, Steph." and, this little whisper that sounded like Steph in my head said, "But, you would never want to let go, Mom...and, it would hurt you worse to let me go again...and, I'd have to go."

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SWEET ASHLEY.

BETSY-----Thanks for your kind words, and also the dear poem your posted.

Betty----I'm sorry to hear that your family pulled away after your husband passed, and that you were not

able to get any comfort from them when your dear Stephen died. It seems to be a common refrain that

in a lot of cases, the family does not wish to become 'involved' when a member is mourning, or that they

have a way of saying the wrong things.......sometimes purposely. I have come to the conclusion that there

are two very different worlds.........the one that people live in that have not had to bury their child.......and

the one we Indigoes live in. Sad but true.

Chris-----thanks for the 'stuffing recipe'......very funny. So very sorry for all that you have to go through with

investigating your son's death......people not believing you etc. I pray that you can succeed in getting the

answers you seek. Peace to you.

Trudi-----I'm sorry that you are in that 'dark place'......the dark hole, that overcomes sometimes. Carol's

words said it better than I could. Sending prayers for peace & strength, friend.

Susannah-------Oh, thanks for remembering all our angels in your little tribute to them. So nice.

Dee-------Congrats to Jon and Shannon on their engagement. Wed. morning, it was a steady downpour for what

seemed like hours....of & on. Later, I looked out the window towards the back fields, and in the backyard, there

were hundreds.....literally hundreds of crows. I think that all the rain had made the earthworms come to the

surface, and the crows were right there to take advantage of it.........an early Thanksgiving feast for them. I've

always like the crows. I watched a documentary once on CROWS, and they are very intelligent birds. When one

of their flock dies,.......it said they will congregate in a tree, and rather than make their caw! caw! calls, they

remain silent. It showed such a case. Very interesting.

Karen----Thanks for the words from "The Little Prince"........such encouraging words.

Leah and Rhonda-------Hope you are doing ok.

Lori---Your tree is very nice. Also, glad that you survived having 24 people at your house for Thanksgiving.......wow,.....

that's great. Hope your back gets better soon.

Carol------Dear friend......your story about your dear Mike coming home from the hospital, and having a DNR bracelet on

was very sad and moving. I so understand that you would want to remove it and put it in the drawer. You did not need the

bracelet to remind you that his passing could be very soon. My heart goes out to you......such a sorrowful story. Our dear

Dave was already dead by the time we got the news of the crash he was involved in. He died at the trauma center in the

next county before we even returned home and got the news from the Highway Patrol. Sometimes I think God spared us

in a way,.......that we were not there at the hospital, then I feel guilty for even thinking that. No choice about it though.

Peace and comfort to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU DAVIDS MOM KOURTNEY AND I HAD PICKED OUT THE TEAL AND GREEN JUST WEEKS B4 HER TUMOR BURST...(LONG HORRIBLE ORDEAL)...SO I DECIDED TO JUST ADD SOME NEW COLOR EVERY YEAR..THIS YEAR WAS ORANGE..KOURTNEYS OTHER FAV COLOR....SO HARD TO "GO ON, CELEBRATE HOLIDAYS WITH OUT OUR CHILDREN"....LIKE MAKE PERTEND....

GAVE ALOT OF MY OTHER DECOR TO KIMMY AND CODY TO DECORATE THEIR NEW HOME...WE USE TO LIGHT UP THE HOOD BUT I THINK I DO WELL TO DO A TREE....

MY BACK FEELS ALOT BETTER THANK YAL...TOOK ME A NICE MUSCLE RELAXER LAST NIGHT..

KIMMY AND I BROOKE WENT TO GO GET PEDIS TODAY....KIMBERLY ALWAYS SEEMS TO HAVE TO INVITE A FRIEND..SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH ME AND BROOKE...BUT OH WELL...

[ericasmom]

Pretty work on the tree Lor. I am glad that you found a new tradition of adding a color each year. I know she is smiling on the colors you have gathered. I have never had a pedicure Lorri, nor a manicure. I have butt-ugly feet and fingers taht are crooked with nails like a little kid. My mom had nice nails, both my sisters do too, but I just don't take care of mine, and mine are like paper thin. I am too klutzy to have fake ones, I would probably stab someone or myself with them.

Sherry, how were the little ones on Thanksgiving? The crows would make a great photo roosting out in the trees. Actually, my students just read an article about city birds and it speaks to the crows and what they do on cold nights, they gather in trees, sometimes huge groups, roosting together making a clamor, and then getting quiet for sleep. I love the word clamor.

Sherry, I will try to post some photos of the Art Museum's Lions today, receiving their necklaces. They are very pretty. I had such a fine day. After the lions I walked to the lakefront, about 4 blocks, and walked along the Monroe Street Harbor, then dodged back into the parks and walked and walked, It was about 28 out, with a wind. I went to the Daley Bicentennial Plaza to see if I could go ice skating but it was not opening until 1:00, so I went back to the ARt Museum and watched a dance installment by the Hubbard STreet Dancers, it was excellent. Then I went to find the returned Chagall Blue Windows, and I cried when I saw them back in a new place now. IT has been about 6 years since the windows were removed to be restored. I have missed them, Marc Chagall bestowed these three huge blue glass windows to Chicago as a gift. I went to the snack shop and had coffee and wrote and drew a bit, always have my tablet in a bag, and my favorite pencils. Following that I went around the museum for a short tour, I was too bundled in layers to stay inside for long. At 1:00 I walked back to the ice arena, rented skates, and skated for the first time in years. I was so happy to try it again. Now I know that I still can, though not well at all, very stiff legged adn wobbly, but nevertheless, the sense of movement across the ice, the sound of blades on ice, families out in the sunlight having a good time...all of this was very special. I told ERi that I was skating with her, I cried as I skated , nobody saw, and I was blessed in the moments that made this day so special. Thank you Eri my little skating Girl, so sweet to do something we used to do together. I was the only one skating alone, but I wasn't really alone.

[kmb22]

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[summergirl]

Amiee - I am so very sorry that I missed Ashley's birthday....so I will say her name out loud....ASHLEE, ASHLEE, ASHLEE

I am feeling very down, I am missing so much on here and I do not like that, I can't seem to catch up with everyone and it makes me feel left out (not by any of you) just me....I know alot of it is because I am working so hard on the other house, not feeling well, packing - just seem to get up and start working....didn't get home unitl 9 tonight so my body and mind are weary....

I heard this today "You never get over it you just learn to cover it" - spoken by a woman who lost her daughter. I thought about how true that is.... There was a young husband and wife who had a thanksgiving dinner one year ago, they had invited a last minute guest, at the house was the husband, wife, their 6 year old daughter, the mother of the wife and 2 young neices.....the "last minute guest was a man and right after dinner he walked into the daughters bedroom and shot her, then he shot the mother of the wife and the 2 nieces..the young couple of the 6 year old survived.....as of today there is still no trial date set although the man confessed...When a lawyer was asked why there was not set trial his response was "well these things take time as you have to have a defense attorney and a judge who knows how to deal with a death penalty case !! ARE YOU KIDDING ME......that poor couple are still waiting for justice a year later because of some stupid law ??? Made me so mad. Anyway the little 6 year old had recorded a story and this woman heard it and made it into a book......I love that she did that......

Lorr- beautiful tree.

To all Indigo's - I promise once we are settled in the new house I will catch up with all you.....as I said I do read all the posts so I can keep up with what is going on your lives.....love, peace and prayers to all...Kathy

[Chris]

Sherry you talked about the crows and how if one dies the others remain silent. That is really interesting.

My brother raised wolfs for years. Lobo and Reba were a couple. The interesting facts about wolfs are they mate for life. They do not divorce or cheat but stand by the one they love until death. When one of their loved ones die they mourn from the depths of their soul like we all have for our angels. The saddest sound I've ever in my life heard was when Lobo & Reba's pup of 6 months got hit by a car. They both knew and the deep howl that came from them broke my heart. It wasn't like the normal howl of a wolf, this was a cry of sorrow that went on for days. I cried my heart out for them. Now I know what those two were feeling and I have a feeling if they were still around they would be mourning with me. The know unconditional love I think better than a lot of humans.

[lolynbo]

Pretty work on the tree Lor. I am glad that you found a new tradition of adding a color each year. I know she is smiling on the colors you have gathered. I have never had a pedicure Lorri, nor a manicure. I have butt-ugly feet and fingers taht are crooked with nails like a little kid. My mom had nice nails, both my sisters do too, but I just don't take care of mine, and mine are like paper thin. I am too klutzy to have fake ones, I would probably stab someone or myself with them.

AH DEE...YOU CLD GO...IM SURE THEY HAVE SEEN ALL KINDS OF HOOVES.(AS KODY USE TO CALL KOURTNEYS FEET ) U NO LIL BROTHERS.....AND IM SURE YOURS WOULD NO WHERE BE THE WORSE....JUST GO AND DO IT TAKE A FRIEND OR TAKE A HUNNY...YOU CLD JUST GET A NICE LIL MANACURE WITH THE CUTICAL TOUCH UP AND PAINT...THE MASSAGE CHAIR IS THE BOMBBBBBBB....DONT EVER THINK YOURS IS THE WORSE...BELIEVE ME...THEY HAVE SEEN IT ALL....SPOIL YOUR SELF SOME...WE DESERVE IT..

[aim630]

Karen-Thank you for making the list. Sometimes I have a hard time keeping everyone & their kids straight, and this will help to refer to & remember their birthdays.

Susannah-You made me smile with the "Happy Belly Button" day! It's so true that if Steph or Ashley or any of our kids was able to come give us a hug, we would NEVER let them go.

Lorri-The tree is beautiful. Kourtney had great taste and loved beautiful colors. Those are my favorite colors also.

Dee-Glad you had a good time in Chicago. I wish I could ice skate. I'm sure Eri was right there with you the whole time. I understand about the crying at random moments. Tonight we went to something called Snow Days at the baseball field where the Indians play. They had fake snow (although it is only about 30 degrees here, no snow yet), with a tubing run & an ice skating rink. We were able to just take the kids to play in the snow & watch the fireworks they set off to Christmas music. I had tears running down my face, since it is Ashley's birthday, and the fireworks were beautiful. My daughter Katie asked "Are you crying?" I need to tell her she better get used to it.

Although it was a very sad day, we had a good time with the grandkids. Autumn, who is 4, is absolutely (if unintentionally) hilarious, so she made us laugh quite a bit. It was also funny to watch her and Audrey, who is 7 (her cousin), fight over who got to sit next to Aunt Katie. Unfortunately we don't get to see Autumn all that often, so I don't really think she knows who I am in relation to her. My husband Jeff told her to tell Grandma what she wanted for Christmas, and she was looking all over, like "Where's my Grandma? I don't see her here." I think she thinks I am just Aunt Katie's mom. Today's families are so complicated.

Again, thanks to all of you who remembered Ashley today (Kathy, you didn't miss her birthday, it is today). I probably couldn't have got through the day without all the nice thoughts.

Trying to get the grandkids to bed now, 11:20, and they are still going strong. The rest of us are ready to crash, so we need to get them settled down.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mysonrich]

Karen, thanks for the list.nice job. For anyone that may have an issue with Microsoft Office Products, like I did..ggrrrr. I have downloaded Sun Open Office, its free. After 2 crashes with my laptop,within 2 months, MS wanted me to enter a Product key,which I did. Now, i am getting the same message. I refuse to pay for a software package that I paid for when I purchased this laptop.

Time for my coffee. That's my beef before my coffee :-) . Sun Open Office.No problem (so far)

One more thought before coffee..MaryAnn in Delaware and her Brian. I don't know if she reads/visits but I didn't see their names. ty

[Guest msnher]

Karen - that took a lot of time and thought....and heart. Thank you.

I've never had a pedicure either. I use to get my nails done once a month (fake nails) but it ruined my own nails, so I quit. My daughter in law and her sisters get pedicures all the time. They love it.

Well. Today I have a new goal. It almost scares me as much as quitting smoking. My goal? Put down the laptop, get out of bed......STAY out of bed.....and join the family. I pulled it off Thanksgiving day except I don't think it counts because I was busy all day. It is time for me to join my family again. I leave the bedroom when Gary is at work and the kids are at school, but I retreat to my bedroom when everyone is home. Not sure why. They have access to me and I do come out to do dinner and so forth, but basically, this is where I stay.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus, you retreat from the hub perhaps because it is all too much for your nervous system, you are available to everyone, but in the space that you feel less of the overload. I get that but three cheers for trying to leave the space a bit more. Remember, before you took on this new life, you had relative quiet, you were not surrounded by sound and need, so it is pretty normal to sort of retreat to a place that feels a bit quieter. Love the avaatar.

Karen, I agree, what a totally wonderful thing for you to have undertaken. Seeing us in this format also takes my breath away, there are so many of us and we are just one of many grief sites. Strength to us all.

Chris, how hard it must be for you to have this riff in your family while you are dealing with this tragic loss. I am so sorry but I am glad that those that came to your home on Thanksgiving did so with full hearts. Cheers to your Husband as well.

Aimee or Amy or Amiee, help me spell your name correctly. I am so happy that your stepson was able to reconcile the issues that would have upset the day for you and your Daughter. Good for them, glad it was a fun Snow-Holiday for you all.

[westleysmom]

Amy-Sorry I missed Ashley's Birthday. I had my granddaughter all day and couldn't get on to post. She's 2 and doesn't understand anything that Nana could possibly want to do that doesn't include her if she's around! We made it though, didn't we? That was my first thought yesterday morning, I made it. We're going to make it through this together. Westley's first birthday after his death was six days later (note to whoever it was that made the word document, Westley's birthdate is Jan 19, 6 days after his death, not 6 days before) and I sat on my porch listening to music and cried all day. The weather was unseasonably warm for January in TN. My husband went to work, because he's the boss and had to, but when he came home early, we went to my Mama's to be with her for awhile. What a nightmare.

Lorri-The tree is pretty. I'm still debating whether to try one this year or not. Just can't decide.

Susannah-Good luck with the "coming out". It is so hard to rejoin life, knowing how different it is now. I haven't had a smoke since Wednesday, but that's just because I only do it at work. Well mostly. I know I should quit for good, but I just haven't made myself do it. I always told Westley they were going to kill him, he never saw me smoke, ever. I told him I used to smoke, and it wasn't a lie, and that I knew it was hard to quit, and it wasn't a lie either. But I was wrong about the smokes killing him. I think sometimes when I smoke, I feel closer to him. I know that's crazy, but its true. So anyway, good luck.

We went to the cemetery in the pouring rain Thursday afternoon. It was late, but I finally got to see if the solar light I put up were working. They were and we put a set at my husband's grandparent's while we were there. Someone had brought fresh flowers, I think they were yellow roses. I thought that was nice. They were wilted really bad, so I put the silks back in and laid them on top in front of the stone. My husband doesn't usually come with me, it is so hard to see him so sad. I know he's sad even when he doesn't show it, but I think I show my sadness all the time. I just can't seem to be "happy" for very long at the time. I took the framed "Always Remembered" poem and picture with me and just sat it on a table near the dining room table at my sisters. It made me feel a little better. The day wasn't too bad, we had my granddaughter to entertain us.

I am not in the abyss right now, thinking of those who are and hoping you find your way out, even if its just for a little while.

[Chris]

I'm so numb today. Do you all ever feel like your being punished? Just David's death alone is enough to devastate me but I seem to be under some attack.

My husband made arrangements to go to his moms this weekend but didn't tell me, he just let it slip. Last night I tried to explain to him that I don't feel like going and being social with anyone just yet. His brother is coming in that we haven't seen in years with his wife that I don't know. I do not want to go and try to put the fake smile on my face or fight not crying around strangers. I'm just not ready. I tried to explain this to my husband last night. He told me I didn't have to be social I could stay in the bedroom the whole time. I thought that was just weird. Why would I go somewhere & hide in their bedroom for the weekend. Today Rick was at the store and called me on the cell to tell me he really wanted me to go to his parents this weekend. I asked him why he was pushing this so much. Finally he said he was going hunting and no one would be there to watch Ariel our 2 yr old. I just hung up. He got home and said, so you really aren't going. I told him that I'm not ready for this yet. He got mad and told me I needed to get over it already, that his parents paid for my sons funeral and I owed them. I'm just sitting here devastated. I'm going to call Rick's mom and explain why I'm not coming. Her daughter died about 16 years ago along with her grandbaby in a car wreck. She knows where I'm at right now because she's still walking in my shoes. I know she will understand completely but it's my husband that has just floored me. He's not David's natural father but they were as close as father and son.

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[mikesmomrs]

I have not posted much in the last day or two...but have been reading...just wanted you all to know that I think of you each day...pray for you each day...thank you SO VERY MUCH Karen for the list...it is so very helpful, especially to those new to BI. You did a wonderful job! I too am trying to "clean up" and throw out. I did go through a myriad of pictures for Mike's service, as well as when I did his memorial website, but need to "weed out" again...I had them all arranged by where we were when they were taken (i.e., Texas, Guam, CA, North Car, etc.) and taht worked out very well, but they are kind of mixed up again. I need to do the scanning of them, as you have done. I brought up all the pics on my computer a while ago, and they totalled 15, 750 or so...I know there are some duplicates, so I really need to weed them out. But not today.

I am so sorry for all of you who are having so many problems with your family recognizing yoru grief and understanding that you are not the same person you were before your precious child left your physical life. If only they could understand that their actions do NOT help, but of course, the only way they could understand is to be in our shoes, and we don't want that to happen.

I think I had told you that we didn't have dinner on thurs, that because of Cathi and her family being sick we postponed it til Sunday. Well, today I took the turkey out to see what the cooking requirements are, (I've never cooked a "fresh" turkey before), and I happened to notice the "use by/freeze by date"...it was for november 20th, five days before T-day, and also 3 days before I even bought it! I am glad that Hannaford has a dble your money back guarantee on their fresh food...I will be taking it back later.

I was sitting in the lvg room, waiting to "cool off" after cleaning our bedroom, and happened to look outside...it is snowing a danged near blizzard! I couldn't believe it! There is enough to cover the grass and housetops, but the street is still just wet. I haven't watch the news in a few days so had no idea this was expected. What a surprise!

Well, I need to go and do my errands...the computer screen I got, while very beautiful and I just love it, has a flaw...a "tiny bump" right in the middle of the screen, and I need to take it back to exchange it. So off I go, with my "expired" turkey and my bumpy screen...out into the snowstorm...lol!

sending prayers and love to all,

carol mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Dee-----I'm glad that you had a nice time in downtown Chicago, at the Art Museum, and walking in the parks. Oh-----and

ice skating too. I tried ice skating once-----big disappointment.. I was teribble at it. That was when I was young, so I've

never tried it again. Love to watch skating on t.v. or just to see others skate, but not for me. The crows must keep

warm when they all roost together in trees in the winter. They are fascinating birds.

Karen------Thanks for the list. You did a great job, and it will surely come in handy.

Chris----Thanks for the info about the wolves. So sad......the wolf parents howling in sorrow for their lost pup. There is

an American Indian belief that I heard once that says when a crow comes around you or lands in a tree near you, that it

is the spirit of a lost loved-one coming to be near you......(words to that effect).

Betty------I looked and looked through all of Lisa's things from the funeral, and other things I've saved, but could not locate

the poem that I wrote so many years ago.....all I remember is the first few lines went like this-----"May upon a rainy day, our

darling one was born........But we were so unmindful of nature's gloomy scorn." That's all I can recall. I could probably

're-write it'.......make up new lines for the other ones lost.....maybe I'll try someday.

I agree with the others who expressed their sympathy to those who are having some difficulty in family matters.........especially

at this time of year. Sending thoughts & prayers to all of you. Peace & comfort, friends.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry