Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

This is a poem that Bonnie, Jason's mom, has in a frame, if I remember right, she has it on the table when they have a holiday. We have taken up this from Bonnie (thank you again, Bonnie) andI printed it out and framed it, and put some decorations around it that reflect the holiday...also, we have a small picture of Mike on the table next to it, when we gather for a holiday or birthday. We have a small glass candle holder, that has Mike's picture on it, and that is on our table all the time. When people come to visit, if we eat, we don't remove it from the table. We usually light it, as well.

here is the poem that Bonnie gave to us: (I don't know why the second line skipped a line when I inserted it, but couldn't fix it)

Always Remembered

I know I am still with you in your

prayers, your thoughts, your heart.

And though you cannot see me,

I will always be a part

of life's sweet celebrations

in those times when you reflect

on how, though things are different,

through our love, we still connect.

We'll see each other someday

when our spirits all are free.

Until then, I am with you

Because you remember me.

[no40corysmom]

yes, I do believe in signs......our family has had a few, plus dreams. I had a dream that was so real, where I got my hug. I could smell him, feel his heart beat....It was wonderful.

The Cord

Author Unknown

We are connected,

My child and I,

By an invisible cord,

Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord

That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't be seen

By any on earth.

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

The strength of this cord

Man could create

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised…. I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline

As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child

Death can't take away!

[no40corysmom]

Julie,

My daughter, Ashlee was also shot in the head and everynight I close my eyes all I envision is her being in pain. My ex and I did not see Ashlee after the tragedy we did not wont to remember her that way, life less! The detective in charge of our case said she died within minutes. A part of me wished I would have said goodbye, held her, kissed her stroked her long beautiful hair and told her how much I LOVED her before we had her cremated.

I hate that so many children are dying it does not make sense to me!!!

I am so sorry......I saw your earlier post where you mentioned this, but I have not heard why it happened. This much I can tell you rather confidently; she did not feel pain.

Yes, the last time I saw my son was a horrible visual, but thankfully, it does not come to my mind, unless I bring it. We did get to say good bye, stroke him, kiss him.....love on him. I am not sure that is really much better though, honestly.

[Miss-my-JJ]

It's funny you say that about butterflies, the day after Jordan passed away my mum said a butterfly came into her bedroom and was going crazy, flying about her room irratically like it wanted her attention, then i think she said it just sat on her duvet (I was in a huge blur when she told me this and can't remember exactly what she said..I shall ask her tomorrow)

Also, My daughter, Eloise, had a dream last night, she said she's never had a dream about Jordan that she remembers but this one she did....she dreamt that Jordan came to her and took her out to play, they were in a cave and had lots of fun... She said in her dream it was like memories that had never happened. I told her that he must have wanted her to know he was ok and having fun...looking after his little sister. I think she liked the idea, gave her comfort.

When I put my daughter to bed this evening I gave her a huge hug, rested my head on her chest and just listened to her little heart beating...I've never felt so close to her or so thankful for her before...

S x

[Miss-my-JJ]

Corysmom that poem is beautiful x

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[daveydow1]

To all the new parents coming on BI, I am so sorry for each of your losses of your dear beloved children. Please

come back and tell us about your dear child. I have read each of your stories, and they are all heartbreaking. I am

Sherry, and I , along with Dee, have been on this site for over 7 years now. I think you will find a lot of comfort here,

since everyone knows, firsthand, the devastation and sorrow you are in. Please come to BI and read/post when

you are up to it. Peace and prayers, friends.

Also,.......Thanks to all who posted such wonderful, heartfelt poems.

Trudi-----I give you my heart for going back to the mud flats to get your beloved son, Mike's, ashes. It must have been

heartwrenching, but I understand, totally, that you made the decision to do it. Now, he is with you and his family.

Congrats on the calligraphy project. I love calligraphy......am intrigued by it.....so lovely to see.

Kathy----Hope you feel better soon.

Colleen----Oh---I so know what you mean about people feeling sorry for the other party, and forgetting or blaming the victim.

A woman was giving us estimates on bathroom remodeling and said that she knew about David's crash, and that her

bro worked with the sleeping trucker in a warehouse. She said, in a sad voice, "he'll never be the same"......I answered

"neither will we". I didn't make anything out of it to her, but that is an example. It must have been torture for you in the

courtroom when the other kid's friends (and Brian's friends also) were there and did not want any punishment for the driver.

Things like that, as you say, divided the school. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Dee----What a nice tradition you have of going to the Art Museum for the placing of the wreaths on the lions. AHhhhh.....nothing like

downtown Chicago at Christmas. I do understand, though, that your outing is veiled in sadness too.---missing your sweet ERi.

Good to hear Jon and Shannon will be with friends at Thanksgiving in Fla.

Betsy-----The words your friend said--------"it's been a year". I'm sorry, and I know that refrain all too well, from well-meaning people.

Many in the BI family have expressed that people have told them about the same thing. It's obvious to us, who have buried our

beloved child/children, that it is a hurtful thing to say, but of course they don't understand. I guess it's just one more bump on this

lousy road we all find ourselves. Rich will always be in your heart & soul.

Christina-----You are right-----heaven is just a breath away. In the heavenly realm where our beloved children are, there is no TIME,

no DISTANCE, and no LIMITATIONS. They are with us always.

Susannah------Thanks for your writing-----it is so very true.....very well expressed.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Thanks to all of you for the poems. Each one made me cry, but in a good way. Thanks for all your words of advice, comfort & understanding. I'm sure it will help me get through Thanksgiving & Ashley's birthday Friday. I don't have much else to say right now...

[Miss-my-JJ]

The poems just made me cry too.. And all your angel stories are wonderful.

I wanted to write something to Jordan to be read out at his funeral. I tried for days but just couldn't get past the first line so I left it. A few days later I scribbled down a poem that just came into my head, for me it was perfect but I worried it was a bit rhymed...I didn't want anything cheesy at his funeral. My dad is a poet and he read it out at the funeral in such a way that it sounded beautiful I'll post it later.

[rlolheiser]

Hello to all here, and welcome to all of you who are new to this site. I am so sorry that your here. It seems strange to say that, but being here means you have lost an important part of your life, one that changes you forever. This site though is a God send, you can read, you can rant, you can feel whatever you want at the time and all you will recieve is love from people who understand parts of what your going through. Each journey is different and handled different, each person is different and we all have different needs, never be afraid to speak whatever you need to speak, everything said is important to us.

I have been so busy this week. I can't wait until it is over. My brother is so time demanding it seems like Saturday is a million days away. I don't mean to sound ungrateful that he is here, but over the years we have changed, and our lives are different.

I took mom to her dr yesterday and the dr was impressed with her levels. She is doing much better, I hope it lasts awhile. with her up and down health though it is is helping me to understand and accept the future better.

Karen, yes.. I seem to do nothing but take care, but again, I guess it is me. I don't know what I would do if I woke up and nobody needed me (though sometimes I would like to give it a try) :-)

I know I should comment to each of you, but I am under a time limit here..I miss being able to read slowly and say what I want.. I will be back up and running on Saturday, You are all my family and I miss taking my time with you.

We are having lots of snow here, and a snow storm on its way today. Winter seems to be here..yuck

btw.. the poetry is amazing.. I love poems..

Thinking of you all!

[ericasmom]

Leah, take care in the snow. Saturday will come Sweetie and no, you do not sound ungrateful. If my brothers were here with me, Saturday couldn't come soon enough either. It is not being mean, but life is different now and the petty or the clingy just does not fit in to this heart anymore.

JJ's Mom, I would love to see yoru poem. I too love poetry and writing it. SOme of my poems rhyme, many do not. No Rhyme or Reason there---ha. What ever comes from my pen on paper is what it is at that moment, captured.

I have meetings all day and will not be able to post unless I break away, and we have company too, so I am less about, but my heart is with you all

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Reading all the postings last evening, I too was brought to tears. I am in awe of the love and devotion that each Indigo expresses for their family and lost child . No matter how difficult the road we have traveled the love and care of the children are all that mattered. I am proud to be an Indigo

Julie, Carol and Karen What thoughtful beautiful poems. They truly touched my heart and made me feel how special it is to be part of this Indigo family

Jenn So glad that you decided to post I did see Brianna's sweet pictures in the Gallery and was so pleased to read about her love for Barney. I smiled when I read about your dream Yes she is whole now and does not need speech therapy but is so very glad that you were her mommy.

Karen I too have a very special miracle attached to the Hymn Amazing Grace It must have been so beautiful to walk with the Bagpipes as they played in honor of SHawn Thanks for sharing that re memory

Chris the Butterflies visiting and the car purchase were definately a clear sign from David Thank you for sharing that

Sarah Looking forward to hearing the Poem you wrote I am so glad your Dad read it for you. My niece had to read mine. I do believe in angels and signs The coin with the feather was perfect signs from JJ Visiting his sister in her dream and playing with her must have truly helped her.

Leah Glad mom is improving Hang in there

Crystal, Amy, Betsy, Brian, Rhonda. Sherry and all Indigos please be very gentle with yourselves

[heartbeataway]

Hello my Indigo buddies,

I saw this this morning and wanted to share.

Our wish for you this Thanksgiving ........... with love!

http://www.beblessedmovie.com/

[Guest msnher]

The poetry I write all rhyme. I would love to hear your poem, Sarah.

This morning, before I woke, I had an odd, painful and enlightening experience. It lasted just an ion of a second. It was during that time between asleep and awake. I was in the ER room, looking at Stephanie's body. It was so clear, so vivid. But, it was fleeting. The pain hit my gut and chest with intense precision and instantly it was as if a blanket or cloud or fog covered the memory...removing it.

As I said, it didn't last a full second, but I was left with gratitude for the power of denial. No. That's not the right word. It was my body and mind protecting itself. Just as I would pull my hand away from a hot stove. My subconscious would not allow myself to "go there". And, then again, because I DID go there for such a such second, perhaps myself is telling myself I'm getting stronger. For the first few months my mind never left that ER room. Now, I can't seem to force myself to "go there". (Shrug) Just interesting. That's all.

I was/am deeply touched with how all the new parents are connecting with one another and with me. Was it you, Jenn, who said you weren't sure where you fit in here? I understand that. I feel that way, too. But, this is my only outlet so I write and I write.........it's what I do.....it's who I am. Trying to make sense of not just Stephanie's death but life in general on my laptop screen. Sometimes I come up with some powerful stuff that impresses the hell out of me. I'll re-read it later and wonder if I was on acid. No one has kicked me off, yet. Please keep sharing with us. All of you. Personally, I need each of you!

I'm beginning to think this life is all a big joke we've played on ourselves. Kind of like all the controversy over TSA and the fear and anger surrounding our airports and security and the shock and defense at them patting down a three year old and then a child finding a loaded gun clip sitting on the seat of the plane. Now, if I was that parent I'd be mad. But, if it plays out like a comic scene from Simpsons.

If I were a TSA employee, I'd be tempted to throw my hands in the air and just let them all on the plane. "Fly at your own risk"

That's my attitude about life today. sort of cynical. Sort of humorous. Sort of tragic. Live at your own risk. I feel like posting a sign in my yard that says, "We're all screwed...........or not."

Hoping each of you find some comfort and peace today.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

We posted at the same time, Bonnie. Two totally different ideas. Mine is funnier. Yours is better.

[Chris]

It's crazy how we see things different than the world.

I absolutely loved the poem posted My Mom Is A Survivor. It was like my son David speaking to me. I shared it like a dummy with what family is left on my facebook page and friends. The replies were, this is very hard to read because it is just too sad. Another said it was difficult to read but nice.

I had a relative tell me yesterday one of the reasons my extended family are ignoring me is that my anger has probably ran them all off. I haven't even talked to anyone to show my anger except in here and I'm just now beginning to voice it. The only thing I have voiced through this whole ordeal that might come off angry was I demanded my niece Sarah that let David die go to a long term rehab before my sister has to go through what I am when she buries her from an overdose. I also said that I expected after she had been in rehab for 2 weeks for her to tell who the dealer was that sold her the patch that caused David to go into a coma. If that is my anger that made them all run away from me when I'm at the lowest point in my life then whatever. My son is dead, what part of that do these people not understand.

There is a huge dead bird in my fridge so I guess that means someone is cooking for thanksgiving around here. The sad thing is I have never fixed thanksgiving food. My mom has always done it. She's not speaking to me right now because she is helping out Sarah who also has decided she doesn't need rehab. I'm just dumbfounded by my family. How cruel can they be. They run to the drug addict that let David die and they ignore me, the mother that just lost a child. I think I'm having a totally pissed off angry morning.

[Guest msnher]

David's mom - I don't even know what to say. It must be very difficult not having the support of your family. My sisters and I were raised in foster homes so I never felt any connection with any family other than them. I am the youngest.....the sister I was closest to, just two years older than me, died one year before Stephanie. In fact, Stephanie died on her birthday. My other two sisters are very supportive, but we usually just tak through email...sometimes by phone. My oldest sister, Arlene, came when Stephanie died. She had lost a husband and two sons before. So, she understands all too well. The other sister kind of has a "get your hair done and you'll feel better" attitude. Although we are close and love each other dearly, we rarely see each other and pretty much each live our own lives. Me with my husband and children and they with theirs.

Tomorrow will be spent with my husband, Stephanie's children (now ours) my son and his wife and two children and three of his (my sons) friends. I have four children: Amanda, living in New Hampshire.....Stephanie, living in pure love...Curtis, my neighbor.....and Jennifer, living in Iowa.

I'm sure it's heartbreaking for you not to have the support of a family you're used to having. An added loss. I hope "the dead bird" gets cooked. I'm so sorry you have such added stress at such a horrible time. I hope your strength in standing up to your niece will filter through your family.

God bless you! Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Christina--David's mom...I, like Susanna, don't even know what to say. My family were all there for me when Mike died (well, actually just one sister was here, the rest live in florida and could not come---totally understandable). When Mike was ill, everyone, and I mean everyone of my and hubby's family, along with many friends, would always want to know how Mike was doing, they even all contributed to a fund to help him and Sarah go to Jamaica for their honeymoon...many of them sent money to Sarah after the funeral to help her out those first few weeks, etc. BUTsince then, NADA. It's as though they just don't want to hear it. However, what you are going through, I think, is just too cruel. I am so very sorry that your mom is not there to support you...especially right now, with your first experience with the holidays since David passed. I wish you live nearby...you would be more than welcome to come here and be with us. For what it's worth, I think that you have a right to ask the things that you have asked...that Sarah go to rehab and that she give you the name of the dealer, etc. I am so sorry this is causing such a huge rift in your family dynamics. Take care, Christina, and know that we are all with you, holding you close.

love and peace,

carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

OK, Who here likes gizzards in their stuffing??

Gizzards were a topic of conversation over a year ago for almost 2 pages on this site (Funny)

I do not like them, my Mom used to smuggle then in and when I bit into it [/color]GROSS

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever

[hotrod]

Dear Chris

I am so glad that you have found the Indigo family and am so sorry that your family is acting that way. I know mine could not handle sadness or any expression of loss. They were all like Susannah's sister who think that shopping or doing nails solves it all. Unfortunately, I do know what it is like to have a family draw up sides and claim that my anger and hostility drove them away. This happened after the passing of my husband but I do believe they thought they might have to help financially so they found a reason to push away. It was a powerful lesson for me so that when I was grieving Stephen I had few expectations of them and I was not disappointed.

Cooking a turkey is not hard: You do not have to be a gourmet cook Just buy pre made stuffing in the supermarket Stuff the bird, rub butter outside and cover with foil lightly. Just place in oven at 3 25 for about 3 to 4 hours. It comes out very tasty You do not even have to make gravy You can but that in the market as well.

Take care of yourself and remember you are not alone David is their cheering you on

Colleen I HATE GIZZARDS

[westleysmom]

Hey all. Finding myself staying at the office as long as possible to avoid the empty house. I don't want to have Thanksgiving without Westley. I am so sorry Chris for the family rift. It is hard to imagine that you are being made out to be the bad guy in this. You are not the bad guy, you are the one left without her child and I don't know why for the life of me that your family would not be there for you. No wonder you're in a totally pissed off mood! I hope we all make it through Thanksgiving, but it is so hard.

I keep starting to write, but I can't put into words what I'm feeling so I'll just say Happy Thanksgiving to you all. BTW Colleen, I hate gizzards too. YUK

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[lolynbo]

I LUV MY FRIED GIZZARDS...MMMMM GOOD

GOING TO HAVE A HOUSE FULL PROB 24 PPL...AND IM SICK...THROAT THROBING AND DRAINAGE ...GONNA VENTURE OUT LATER AND GET THE REST OF THE THINGS I NEED FOR DINNER AND DIFF DRUGS...AFTER EVERYONE LEAVES WE WILL PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS TREE...I USE TO CHANGE THE ORNAMENT COLORS EVERY YEAR BUT SINCE IT WAS THE LAST HING KOURTNEY AND I BOUGHT WAS CHRISTMAS DECOR...I WILL ALWAYS USE THEM..I HAVE ADDED OTHER COLORS TO IT...WE BOUGHT TURQUISE AND LIME GREEN, THIS YR IM ADDING ORANGE...(ANOTHER ONE OF HER FAVORITE COLORS...OF COURSE...

[ericasmom]

Christina, it is just heartbreaking that your family has divided itself in this matter when in fact, tragedy has struck hard in your home, your lives, and the rallying should circle you, embracing you and the energy to assist your niece should be in the way of intervention. She needs help, she needs to acknowledge her part in this sadness. I am sorry. I agree with Carol, if you were nearby, (where are you anyway) you would be welcome to share in Thanksgiving.

We are simply going to the retirement home that my husband's mom lives and sharing dinner with her. John's(my husband) auntie and uncle are here with us but eating dinner tomorrow with their Son and DIL and grandies. My Son, Jon, is vacationing in Florida with his now FIANCE'. He asked Shannon to marry him yesterday, and I could not be more happy for them. Thank you Lord adn Eri and Michael. For those new to this place, Michael is my kids' dad, he died 1.5 years ago from leukemia. Jonathan has been through so much. So I am warmed by our good news.

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

I will be at my dad's tomorrow....oldest daughter is on her way to Mississippi with her boyfriend's family (he's in the Navy) so youngest daughter will be going with me....my dad leaves for Florida for the winter shortly after Thanksgiving so it will be the last time to see him before he goes, and my grandparents will be there (they turned 85 this year) so it's always good to spend time with them.

I won't wish anyone a happy holiday, that's probably too much for a lot of us....but I do send you love and peace and comfort.....I will be thinking of all of you and your angels.....

Jenn/Brianna's mom

[aim630]

Susannah-I still think about the time in the hospital with Ashley, especially that last night. I try to push the thoughts away, but it's like my mind insists on dwelling on it. I'm glad to read that eventually you were able to focus on other things & now you can push those thoughts away.

Dee-Congratulations on Jon's engagement! I'm glad you like his fiance'.

My stepdaughter married a guy who the rest of the family cannot stand. Chris is studying to be a nurse, and was a great help when Ashley was in the hospital, talking to the doctors and translating things for us. Almost exactly a year ago, when Ashley was first hospitalized, Chris' so called husband beat her up (I think he was angry she was spending so much time at the hospital). They separated, and were supposed to get divorced, but guess who's still around. I can't stand the sight of him. She will not listen to us though. As far as I know, that is the only time he abused her, but one time is one time too many.

To all the other Indigos, especially the ones who are going through this for the first time, I'll be thinking of you and your angels.

Gizzards-yuck!!! My mom put them in the stuffing every year, and the rest of us picked them out. Finally she got the idea, and just makes a small portion for herself with the gizzards, and a large pan without them.

[mysonrich]

Davids mom, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with the added "drama" of your extended family.The in-fighting,blame, basically the lack of support and care that you now need is directed as through a prism. the refraction of grief. That's what I call it,at least in my case. Possibly in yours. When Rich died I was put through the wringer by my ex, Rich's dad. At the time I felt that my right as his mother was taken from me.And it was. Wrestled away by the g/f and the ex. Me, to shattered to fight back. I raised Rich and Sarah after our divorce having never had much help from their dad while married. Yes, he worked,money was not an issue, but it was me and the kids, or always felt like it.

I won't get into ancient history...anyway, when once I could tolerate the ex, now there is so much that has shattered/refracted. In my case, it can not be glued back together. I feel very bad for my daughter,Sarah.

2 years ago we enjoyed Thanksgiving at Rich's new place with his g/f.

My mom loved chicken livers and Shad row. She never added liver to the stuffing This is my/our first year without her

Karen, tears,tears tears at reading your poem.

I better watch the stove.

[daveydow1]

JJsmom-----I'm also looking forward to seeing your poem for JJ. I wrote one for my baby Lisa (she died many yrs. ago), after

she passed, but haven't been able to find it------too many moves, and so much time gone by. I can remember only part of it.

Betty------May Stephen's sweet spirit hover around you in these holidays that are so difficult. Peace to you.

Leah---Glad to hear that your mom is improving. I so know what you mean about wanting the holidays to pass----they are

the time of year that all of us here at BI sometimes look to with nervousness---to say nothing of sadness. I guess we just

bear up, and keep on going somehow.

Christina----I'm so sorry that your mom is not speaking to you, and other family members are distancing themselves,

it's especially sad with the holidays. Many people find that when they are grieving for a lost child, that there is just no one

nearby who truly understands the wild roller coaster we're on, and all the different phases we go into & out of.

There is just no rigid time frame that we can be forced into, although others who don't understand would like us to "hurry up"

and get back to "normal", as they see it. This is another reason why coming onto BI is such a lifeline. Peace & comfort , friend.

Colleen----Oh.....gizzards......I love them . When I was little, and my mom made turkey for Thanksgiving or Christmas, all of

us kids argued over whose turn it was to get the gizzard......we all loved them...(I have 3 sisters & 1 brother), so my mom had to

be the referee to settle it.

Susannah------I so know what you mean about your sis being the "get your hair done, and you'll feel better".....My sister next to me

is of the same kind of thinking. I never talk to her about Dave because I just know that she would be short-tempered and annoyed

and would say something snide......so I don't talk to her about him, or Lisa. Hope your Thanksgiving Day goes well......My, you'll

have a houseful !

Dee----Hope you are feeling up to par now----enjoy you outing downtown Chicago.

Jenn----Enjoy your time tomorrow with your dad and the rest of the family.

Betsy-----I'm sorry that this will be the first holidays without your dear mom. Rich's sweet spirit will be with you.

Well, I'm going to go for today. My husband and I will be spending tomorrow at our daughter's. The grandies will be all excited.....

and asking me for their very own little pumpkin pies, which I baked today. My husband is a holidays "Scrooge" of sorts: ----would

rather stay home, but he & our son-in-law will take in the football games, so that should help. Take care all here in the BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Chris]

OMG thank you for the turkey advise. I didn't realize I didn't know how to cook the turkey. lol

I got to talk for a long time on the phone today with my daughter in law that is raising David's two sons. It was a good conversation that I needed. Deagan & Izik (David's sons) are coming here the day after Christmas until the day after New Years. I am so excited to have them back in my home. I think it's going to be really sad at first because the last time they were here was their daddy's funeral. I told you all about David getting all the stuff to redecorate his room and my husband has been finishing it. At David's funeral some of the nieces had create these memory boards that I fell in love with. They are like huge poster boards covered in black cloth and pictures covering all 3 boards of David's life. I decided to have frames made for these and glass cut, now I'm going through pictures and putting together the boards just how I want them and hang them in David's room for when the boys come for their Christmas vacation they are surrounded by their life with their daddy in a happy way. I wanted it to be a room that celebrates David's life and not a sad place. I especially didn't want it to be a shrine. I'm hoping it's a room the boys feel comfortable in. It was the room they shared with their daddy for the past 3 years.

You all are amazing blessed people that I am so glad David lead me to discover.

David loved to eat so tomorrow was his wear sweats so he can eat all day long and watch football day. It's going to be weird watching my husband & my brother watching games without David there.

It's a thought that is hurting my heart.

[mysonrich]

Sherry, how sweet,little pumpkin pies. enjoy the day,enjoy your family. Davey and Lisa in lovely memory.

Dee, congratulations Jon and Shannon!

Betty, A very brave woman you are. I don't know why but right now I am thinking of Stephen, in his race car,roaring down the street. Racing to dinner in spirit?!

I wrote Rich's eulogy,my nephew read it. I sat that morning and wrote with a light pink fine-point marker. It was early,early. morning.

I found this poem a few days ago.

A light went out on Earth for me

the day we said goodbye

And on that day a star was born,

the brightest in the sky

Reaching through the darkness

with its rays of purest white

Lighting up the Heavens

as it once lit up my life

With beams of love to heal

the broken heart you left behind

Where always in my memory

your lovely star will shine

By : Catherine Turner

[Guest msnher]

Gizzards. Reminds me of one of my happiest foster homes. They raised chickens and rabbits. LOTS of chickens and rabbits. I used to cut them up for people who didn't know how to cut up whole chickens (or rabbits)....they sold them.........and sold fresh eggs. Anyway, We ate a lot of fried chicken or rabbit. Their kids always fought over the liver, heart and/or gizzard. Not me. Just give me the fried breast with lots of mashed potatoes and gravey and I was good! Umm mmm good! Still one of my favorite meals.....with fresh corn and butter!

[shorty16]

Thanks for the gizzard-talk - really funny stuff

There does not seem to be an in-between with gizzards - you either love them or hate them

Thanks Indigos for making me laugh

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - feeling better but not there yet. Total meltdown yesterday (again) - cannot stop crying these past couple of days.....

I am going to bed so I just wanted to tell everyone here to have as good a time as you can this Thanksgiving...

I AM THANKFUL FOR MY WONDERFUL FAMILY HERE ON BI - LOVE TO ALL......

[Chris]

I actually laughed today. Since I'm not a turkey cooking expert I was trying to explain to my husband the instructions that were posted here on how to cook the bird. I was on facebook and another person had posted how to cook one so I was reading it very intently just in case there was some added instructions I missed earlier. Here's the instructions. Hope this brings a smile to your face too.

Perfect Turkey Stuffing Recipe.

Turkey

1 cup each, butter, stuffing, uncooked popcorn.

Preheat oven to 350 deg.

Brush turkey w/ melted butter salt & pepper.

Fill cavity w/ stuffing & popcorn.

Place in baking pan.

Listen for popping sounds.

When the oven door blows open & the bird flies across the room, it's done... And, you thought I didn't cook

[mikesmomrs]

Christina: thank you for sharing your "recipe"...that was pretty funny!

Oh, man...gizzards...I am a blue-blooded yankee (as my hubby's family calls me) and he is a died in the wool southerner, as my family calls him...gizzards were a huge part of his meal plan...not me....I'd never even HEARD of such a thing til the first time I bought a whole chicken and he saw me throwing them away! You would think I tossed out the crown jewels! I then learned about his passion for gizzards...he truly loved them southern fried, of course, but boiled was good, too! My oldest daughter, who I think was cloned from his side of the family...LOVEs them, just like her dad. Livers, fried, I can eat. haven't in a long time, though. I love all the different opinions of gizzards, and yes, Colleen, I remember when this was brought up before. many, many posts...too funny!

Well, Cathi heard about her truck, and I guess she has something else to be thankful for, beside surviving her wreck. They are going to give her 6400 for it, but she wants to get it fixed, so they will deduct the salvage value and let her buy it back...for 1600, which will be deducted from the total. the mechanic who fixed Davis's car last spring and painted our van this fall is fixing it...said it shouldn't be more than 2500, tops. So, she just may have enough left to do her bathroom that is falling apart. Yay for her!

I am so very thankful for my daughter and Jamie and daughter in law and Damon surviving their car wrecks...thank you, Lord, for keeping my family intact...You have been with me so much this past year, and I am so very, very thankful for all You have done.

Dee: I am so very, very happy for you! I know that Jon's engagement would mean that he is feeling happy in his heart...congratulations to them and to you and John! Eri and Michael are smiling from ear to ear, I'm sure! I hope you have a happy day tomorrow!

I wish everyone the best possible day they can have...it is difficult, especially at first, but the hours eventually pass and we are into the next day...I try now to draw on the memories of thanksgiving days past, and for the most part, thinking of the re-memories helps...every now and then, something comes up that is just too much and I cave, but not for long, thankfully. tomorrow we are going to do something we haven't done in a long time...we are going to watch family movies. We have one of Mike, around 1, falling into the grass and his feet and hands going up, recoiling from it like it was snakes, while he tried to balance himself on his belly; one of Cathi with those little plastic milk bottles in her arms...she was trying to carry all of them at once (6 of them) to the porch and she kept dropping them...every time she would lean over to pick one up, the rest would tumble out of her arms...she was not quite 2. There's also one of Kim, 20 months old, standing on the sofa in her new coat with the fur collar, the fur-trimmed hat to match tied under her chin, barefoot, and blowing kisses to her day-eee, who was thousands of miles away, in Thailand, during the Vietnam war. He was there for her first birthday, but didn't make it back in time for her second one...coming back one week after it. But, he came back, thankfully. And then, of course, we always have to rewind the one of the kids unwrapping presents...it still gets laughs, 40 years later!

The memories sometimes can hurt---there is no denying that, and I don't believe there is any "cut off" time for when they quit hurting...but I know that some of them bring comfort, healing and eventually smiles. Sometimes those smiles accompany tears, but I am so very thankful for having them...

So whatever you all are planning for tomorrow, or whatever comes along for tomorrow...we are all in this together...as many have said before, our kids have led us here, to each other, and we hold each other close, and closer on days that are filled with memories.

sending love and peace to hold your heart, carol mikesmomrs

[hotrod]

Dear Indigos

Just a fast post

Chris so very glad you smiled today. Please remember Karen's suggestion to be careful with the cooking pan the gravy can cause terrible burns. In addition forget about adding the pop corn to your stuffing Goods Luck and let us know how it turns out

Dee so very HAPPY to hear about Jon NS Shannon'S FUTUREE WEDDING PLANS. I know that has warmed your heart Hope you are feeling better and enjoy your visit to the Library Lions

Betsy What a beautiful poem and oh so true I know the light went out on earth the day that Rich said goodbye and that his star shines brightly in the sky and remains forever in your heart. I will think of your vision of Stephen "Racing in the Streets" in his race car ro dinner Thanks for that beautiful thought.

Sherry I am sure those Grandies deserve all the individual pies you will prepare I am sure they are delicious Enjoy your day and I do hope you can find the poem to baby Lisa I know it would be so very special and from your gentle heart.

Rhonda I know how hard it is to post at time and how staying away from home so as not to feel the pain works Praying for your peace.

Carol Great news on the truck I am happy that everyone survived and are all mending/ Hope Ralph Enjoys those Gizzards

Trudi I bet that Mutley doesn't even like Gizzards Hope you are well

Leaving early tomorrow AM

Bonnie ,Kathy. Leah, Sus. Lorrie, and all Indigos Please try to remember our angels are close by us each day and try to Have a Blessed Day

thanks-4-head.bmp

[ericasmom]

Thanks Carol for the warm thoughts and reminders to all that this day will pass into the next, and somehow that act of natural time leads us to a place where we can smile once in a while. So glad Chris, that you laughed today, and you sent us the laughter here. Thanks. Thanks too Carol and Betty, Amy and Betsy for your words about Jonathan. I am so very happy for the two of them, and yes, I do believe that Michael and ERZ are grinning. Eri must love Shannon, if she were right here I know she would scream with delight at the news, so I do think she probably did some figure 8's and whooped it up, loving her Big Brother and his Girl Shannon. Michael loved Shannon, she stood by in all of his ups and downs in his battle against cancer. She is a strong devoted human.

I wish you all the very best that tomorrow has to offer. Those of you new on this site, new to holidays with the glaring missing loved person, know that you should not measure your ache against your joys in life and if others try to do so and remind you of what you should be happy and thankful about, please tell them that perhaps in a few years you will be able to do just that, but that for right now, getting out of bed and being among others is the most that you want or can do. Other people's expectations are not for you to try to adhere to, it is a waste of your energy, so know that we are here and we really understand what this is and how other worldly it feels. I remember telling someone that I felt I was on Twilight Zone, (an old Sci-fi tv show). NOthing made sense, as though the sound and picture were not in sync.

For those of you that have been here for a few years and more, I hope that somehow tomorrow serves to do just as Carol said, to find the joy in those memories and to feel the warmth of that time. Blessings.

I am very grateful for this place, for the people that began this place to honor our loved ones and to honor and respect our journeys. For those of you who will spend time with your Grandkids, hugs from me. Sherry, enjoy the pies and I will take photos of the Lions on Friday.

love to you each,

dee

PS My momma used gizzards, and while I didn't once I was the turkey cooking woman in the house, I cooked them up each year for the cats and dog who greatly appreciated them.

[mikesmum]

The Tsunami has hit. Back at the beach and the tears fall. The load, the ache the missing the alone all surround me tonight.

I just want so much to scream 'its enough'. I think I will..

The expectation is that I should be back to 'my oldself'. Strong, focussed and keeping it all going. Well I'm not. I'm shattered, scattered and can't keep it going.

A husband who looks at me, talks to me as if I have just been 'away' and now am back. He talks of the 'job'. I hate the job. He tells me of cases where patients have passed and the circumstances surrounding their passing. Once I could hear this without thinking twice. Now I want to block my ears and yell at him to stop.

Micheal wasn't his son. I really get that. He barely knew him. In his job he never gets to see the 'ongoing'. What follows after he leaves a patient who has died. Life hasn't changed for him, and he never gets to see the impact long term for those left.

He doesn't equate me with those who are left. His perception of me was I am one in the same. Able to deal with life's emergencies and move on, just like him.

Well I can't. I can no more handle 'life' than fly to the moon. Its nearly four years and even though my life wasn't all sunshine and roses before Micheal died, I want it back, I want him back.....

All the poems, the newbies, those who I have read for many many years remind me what I have lost....my son, myself......

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, Trud, I am so sorry...I wish so much I could be with you, sit with you, cry with you...sharing is so very important and Mal just doesn't know how, it seems...as you said, he wants you that he knew, the you that he expects to walk in the door. Yes, it's true, you are shattered, scattered and broken, as well. Your life, yourself, is very different now, and likely it will always be that way. I wish so much that people could understand that...I think the overall healing process would provide so much comfort, if only others could know that "we look fine today" does NOT mean we feel fine, or that we will even "look" fine tomorrow. "Wow, I don't understand...yesterday you were doing so well? What happened since yesterday?" WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?! Yesterday happened, and today happened, and this next breath needs to happen...and how we look has no bearing whatsoever on how our heart feels... Until others "get this" there is no true understanding. I am so sorry, so very sorry. Sending love and peace to your heart, holding you close, my dear friend, holding you close and listening. Micheal, please send your mom a feeling of rest, of peace, even if it is only for a moment...let her heart rest, let her mind rest, help her to make to the next moments...God, help this woman has felt so much, has seen so much, and now misses so much.

love and peace to you, Trudi...

Carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Stephanie, Erica, Micheal, Mike, David, Ashlee, Ashley, Jessica, Brian, Jordan, Westley, Shawn, Kourtney, Brianna, Rich, Davey, Lisa, Stephen, Nick, Bethany, Jason, JaBoa, Cory, Sarah, Kayla, Adam, Zachary, Brian K., Andrew, Steven, Brian Jr., Michelle, And, all our angels whose name I may have missed. (I hope I haven't missed any. If I have, Stephanie please explain your mom's memory)

You are all invited to Thanksgiving dinner......at all our homes! Be there or be square!

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - Hugs to you!

Carol - I love your heart, wise friend!

Dee - Jon's engaged? How did I miss that? Woo Hoo!!!!

Chris - Thanks for the laugh!

Betty - I'm with you in spirit as you prepare Thanksgiving dinner for your sister and family.

Colleen, Betsy, Lynn, Bonnie, Dan, Brian, Greg (where are you?), Beth, Amanda, Jenn, Leah, Lorri, Sherry, Rhonda, Kathy, Karen and ALL Indigo's....Peace to you today!

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

http://www.npr.org/2...ly-s-turkey-day

just a little something .

[Guest msnher]

LOL - Betsy!

[Crystal16]

Good morning Indigo family...

I pray you all have a peaceful day.

I was up all night long tossing and turning, waiting for my oldest, daughter Brytney to get home.

I'm not sure how to get through this day without crying going to my sisters house for a few hours. I made Ashlee's Angel eggs to share with all she loved them and every year I would have to stop her from eating them all :-)

[shellyku]

Good Morning Indigos!

I pray for peace and strength for all who dwell here. Today is going to be hard and I am

not sure I'm ready for a house full of people but here goes! I feel numb and maybe that's

what's holding me together while I bake and cook and do dishes and on and on...

Please know that you and your angels will be part of my Thanksgiving prayer today.

[Guest msnher]

Shelly and Crystal - hugs to you both. It's okay to cry. May your hearts be comforted as you walk through this day.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

The pies are baked. Kevin's birthday cake is baked. Punch is in freezer (Yum...non alcoholic) Salad is in fridge...turkey is in oven. The house is still quiet. I said a prayer for each of you!

I'm grateful. Just grateful.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I know it isn't the greatest day for us. The missing of our Angels makes it hard to be thankful. I hope you all feel our Angels by our side with whatever we are doing today. I know I have been up all night talking to mine. I need her more than ever these days.

Gizzards.. ick.. I think that is why I decided to hate stuffing early on life. Now that I am old I can eat stuffing if I know there are no gizzards :-)

Betty, thanks for the lesson on turkey cooking :-) I hate turkey.. but am making one..gotta throw it in soon.

Dee, thank you for making me not feel so bad for my mixed emotions on my brother. There are so many things going on in my head that it gets to be a love hate relationship. Right now I would just settle for liking. I also add my best wishes to Jon and his fiance' I hope nothing but the best for them.

Crystal, if you need to cry, I guess I always say do it. I have gone to many places trying not to cry, and now I feel if somebody doesn't like it, oh well.. they will get over it. I used to worry people would think I am strange.. well maybe I am.. but trying to stop the tears hurts and letting it out makes me feel better and then I can go on for a little while longer.

Betsy and Bonnie, I sure hope that I get cable internet out here soon. (supposed to be in the spring) I miss so many links because dial up just doesn't do it :-) Thinking of you both and thankful for you.

Susannah, thank you so much for saying our Angels names. I always mean to do it, but memory and time stop me. I lie awake some nights going through the names in my mind, kind of like counting sheep only I count Angels.

Trudi, my heart and thoughts are with you.. you are such a beautiful person your Michael is so proud of you.

Christina, I am glad you found a laugh, and thank you for the recipe. I know it must be hard with your family, I wish there was an easy recipe to handle that, hugs.

Kathy, hugs, I pray you strength to get through these times.

sherry, I hope you have a wonderful time with your grandies.

Jenn, I know what you mean about the Happy holidays.. they are mostly tolerable holidays at times, I hope you have a nice visit with your dad

Lorri, I hope you get better fast, take care of yourself.

Karen, I agree with you about anger. I face so much of it, and try not to be so angry. I know it has made me lose a lot of good things, but I haven't found what to do with it yet. Most of my anger these days is still aimed at JaBoa's mothers boyfriend.. and drifts down to my daughter.. it just makes happiness impossible and I don't know how to overcome it.

Rhonda, I am thinking of you. I think you do just fine with your writing of thoughts, and I enjoy getting to know you, so keep writing when you can :-)

Ok.. I guess I better get going.. I have an audience watching me type and trying to read my words.. I am thinking of you and so Thankful for all of you!