Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Lorrie I heard from Eric and he is addressing the issue with Marcia

Susannah, How very beautiful . the thoughts and experiences from a child's heart I do believe Mariah was consoled by her visitations and the images of the heart that she portrayed ere miraculous

When Stephen was little I had a statue of Jesus in his room and a few morning when he come to wake me (at 5 AM) he would tell me that he was frightened in the night and Jesus waved to him and smiled and he went back to sleep . Such special beautiful memories

Dee speaking of special memories I loved the story or Eri and the names she chose for her dogs Clarence and Gertrude WOW and that a basset hound named Clarence appeared in your life was another wonderful miracle

Betsy So good to see you even if I am a Giant fan and the Eagles won last night

Trudi I hope you recovered from your long drive and are now able to have your special time with MD to "remember" and reflect. I cherish those time the most. I visited Michael's beautiful site and left a thought.

Chris I hear you about the late nights I too am no longer afraid to die.

I honestly do not think people are avoiding me I do think that I am/ have avoided them for the past 3 years because I just cannot interact with them for an extended time. I am ok for an hour or two and then I have to leave I do believe I begin to see their intact family functioning together andI am very aware of my huge loss. I then need to withdraw I am different and they know it

My Sister is having her surgery today so I need prayers and good thought for a positive outcome

Carol, Leah, Karen, Crystal, Shelley, Colleen, Brian, Rhonda,Bonnie Kathy and all Indigos

Thanks for being here

[westleysmom]

Rats! I lost a big long post trying to see if a picture I attached was humongous or not. I'll just attach it this time and apologize in advance if its huge.

Chris-So sorry about the loss of your son David. Your post was heartbreaking. My son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house Jan 13, 6 days before his 21st birthday. I have struggled every day since with guilt, regret, grief, the whole 9 yards. He had a couple of drinks and a prescription painkiller in his system, and had sleep apnea. He just quit breathing. How does that even happen? I will never understand. Welcome here to where I have found understanding and support and I offer you my sympathy.

Kathy-I'm looking forward to the pics of the finished house and sorry the tsunami hit so hard just when you least expected it.

Susannah-I'm glad Mariah's heart is being repaired and that she sees it as it happens. I am so glad they are with you.

Colleen-I hope the Thanksgiving goes well for you. My oldest sister's family is not coming this year, but the other one is cooking as always. She said we are invited if we want to come and stay as long or not long as we like. Her house is on the same road as the cemetery, just a few miles down. She said don't worry about bringing anything if we come. I think we'll go, my Mama will be there and my brother and a nephew I don't get to see much. My daughter and her family will be there for a while too. I hope I don't fall apart. We were there last year, but we moved Thanksgiving back and forth between her house and my house, so they weren't always the same. I don't know if I go to the cemetery first if I'll be able to leave, but I don't want to wait too late in the day to go. I'm playing it by ear, pretty much.

Nick-What a cutie that baby is. Westley's best friend and his girlfriend had their baby 13 days after Westley died. They are fighting her mother, (baby's grandmother) for custody right now and she has temporary custody. Westley's name has been brought up in court (re: your wild-ass friends) He died BEFORE this child was even born. It has been very painful to hear the things that have been said, and I'm pretty sure we haven't heard all that was said. So I don't bring it up much. But Jayce is the spit and image of his daddy, and they have brought him to see us a lot (at least when they had him) I hope they are able to get him back, because Westley would have been his "Uncle Westley" if he was still with us. Life goes on, doesn't it, little babies born all innocent and new? And sometimes it is still sweet.

Carol, Trudi, Dee, Betsy, Betty, Amy, Leah, Bonnie, Marcia, Sherry, Sonya, all-Thankful for your friendship this Thanksgiving week

This is the pic I was trying to post. I haven't made one at the cemetery since it was set, I'll try to remember to do that soon. Sorry it is huge, that's why I lost it before though. I am so computer ignorant!

[shorty16]

True friends and family will support you even though they are uncomfortable.

Wow, what an awesome statement!!! I have 2 friends who seem to think I am just "Having a bad day" That lasts 2.5 years. I have been friends with "Georgia" for over 10 years. I e-mail her to tell her how I really feel and she does not respond. When I ask her if she got my e-mail, she replies "Yes" and that is the end of it.

Scott and I were talking about what to do this Christmas, He told me "they (his family) are trying to accomodate you" "Trying to not make you feel bad" I am thinking to my self "What about you, Scott" Does the death of our son bother you? Scott is able to take this hurt, compress it into a really small ball and put it away. I cannot do that. Seeing my nephew (3 months younger than Brian) is torture for me. I do not even recognize him anymore - he has grown into such a man - my boy - forever 16. How do I just "put this hurt away"

I feel like Scott is saying to me "It has been over two years now, get over it"

I cannot. I wish I could

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

WESTLEYS MOM...THE HEADSTONE IS BEAUTIFUL...SADLY IT TO ME WAS SOME CLOSER...ITS LIKE THE LAST GIFT WE CAN GIVE THEM.....BUT ITS VERY VERY NICE LOVE THE DEER SEEN ON IT

WANTED TO SHOW THE FLOWERS I DID FOR KOURTNEYS HEADSTONE...2 SETS...THEN ONE FOR EACH OF THE 6 SOLAR LIGHTS...

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, beautiful stone, sorry for the need to have it, but pretty in its carved state.

I hate when I lose a post, but it sure happens.

Betty, prayers for Sister, that she is made to heal and live a full and happy life. I also retreat some from events that perhaps I would have stayed till the end. Not always, but sometimes.

Leah, we will have some company starting tomorrow and I will feel the constraints of time and privacy, but not to the level that you are. Yes, caregiver is a good word for you.

Trud, Em is already stunning, will you post photos when you can of Emily in her dress?

Pretty flowers Lorri, you do nice arrangements.

Love to all,

dee

[lolynbo]

DEE, IM SOOOO NOT TALENTED...I JUST GRAB STUFF AND STICK IT TOGETHER....BUT THANK YOU

[Chris]

Colleen, the same thing is happening to me with a lot of no replies. I talked to my ex-sister-in-law today for a long time. I ask her if people were mad at me or if they were just uncomfortable around me. I know I don't get out much but these are people that don't reply to my phone calls or messages and they are the same people that usually call me on a daily basis before my son David died so it just brought a lot of confusion to me on why. She said that because the girl that refused to help my son & let him slip into a coma is my niece there is a family divide happening. I ask her why because I've never said anything. She said she feared this was going to happen. People don't want to get involved and look like they are taking sides so they are avoiding me. That dumbfounded me since I have not even dealt with my niece and her involvement with my sons death. I think if they could walk in my shoes for 10 seconds they would see how petty this is but I wouldn't wish 10 seconds of this pain on anyone. Because of all that I have been shutting down to protect my heart. It's all I can do to grieve my son.

I love the stones. David's happened very quickly. He was cremated after his service, his headstone was ordered the next day & it was here within a week.. It's a headstone/urn all in one. His sons loved it because they said their daddy's stone has a secret compartment in it that no one knows about where his ashes are stored. My husband ask if he could be the one that set it in the ground. He said it would be the last thing he got to do for him. The stone is the size of a foot stone you see in cemeteries only it's as tall as it is wide but half of that is set it the ground so you don't know it, if you turned it over it has a compartment in it that is now sealed. The stone is hollowed out, a lid screwed on and then sealed once the ashes go in. I thought I had a picture of it on my computer. It's pretty. David was raced in motocross so the design is a dirt bike riding a wheelie into heaven. He would love it.

I attached a picture they sent us of what it would look like. It's a lot prettier on the black stone when it was finished. He's sitting under this pretty tree, we are going to place a bench by him so there's a place to come hang out. I think that's more for me because I go there a lot.

[Guest msnher]

Chris - What a lovely stone, I'm sure the real one is as pretty as you said. Riding into heaven.....he doesn't need a dirt bike to do wheelies now....fly fast dear David....fly high. What a sad situation your family is in. Even if your family wasn't so torn, I'm not sure they would be able to be there for you right now. I think that's why you were directed to us. Wonderful people that we are. Seriously though, we get it. I think God puts just the right people in front of us at just the right time. I'm convinced that our angels directed us to this site....each of us. I hope your niece isn't ignored too long. She needs to get some help, not only to deal with her drug addiction, but with the guilt she must carry for her part in David's death. The guilt will just lead to more using.......like you said, you wouldn't wish this on anyone but if she keeps going the way she is her parents may, unfortunately, have to find out. I hope I'm wrong. Anyway, while your family is avoiding taking sides (which makes no sense) I hope they realize she needs help. You are a special soul, Chris. I feel it!

I feel pretty good right about now. I got to use my sewing talent....more like "un" talent. My son and daughter in law's dog (the akita) tore one of their new sofa cushions to shreads during the night. Sort of like "Turner and Hooch". Cindy, my daughter in law, was in tears. "I can fix it" I comforted her. Now, a few hours later, after a trip to the fabric store, she has a new cushion and a new pillow to match. She is happy as can be. She hugged me and told me she wants to do something nice for me. I told her she just did and that when she was older she would understand that her hug and gratitude is enough. Pretty cool!

Gary's snoring on the couch...he's on vacation........so, I'm going to take a nap on the other couch.

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Christina-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, David. His story is heartbreaking. My son's name is David also,

and he died in 2003 in a highway crash. I'm sorry that you have the reason to be on this site, but as all the otheres here have said.......

it's a good place to be. Everyone knows the pain & devastation that you are in now, and hope that we are able to

help. Please come back to BI.

Dan----CUTE, CUTE BABY. Thanks for posting the pic.

Carol---Yep,.....I agree....the memories will always live on and keep our dear kids in our hearts & souls as long as we live.

Dee-----Oh,....I do love that song "In the Arms of the Angels"......the words & melody are very haunting, and achingly beautiful

I think. The first time I heard it was on an ad about adopting animals, and the sad sad looks on the faces of the dogs and

cats........wow.....very powerful. I wanted to put it on Lisa's memorial site, but it would only take songs from the MP3 format..

(I don't have one)....guess I'm still in the dark ages . Your story about the neighbor and the bassett dog is so nice, and

to think that his name is Clarence !!! Def a sign from ERz. Davey loved dogs, and only had one as an adult....Dash......a little

black pup who promptly died of Parvo a wk. after Dave adopted him. Davey never got another dog.

Lynn-------Sending up prayers for the rest and peace of Kevin Stone.

Trudi------I'm so glad that you got Mike's ashes collected and placed in an urn. That is a bit bizzare ("dumping" Mike's ashes

at the mud flat )... As you say.-----too hard to figure out the reasoning for it. I know it must have been so heartbreaking for you to

go there and do that, but something that had to be done, and requiring a hasty decision. I think you did the right thing, and having

Mike's ashes with you gives you comfort that you could not get in the other circumstance of the mud flat location. Peace, friend.

Rhonda----Yep----I know the aggravation of losing a post. I tried to view your pic, but storms may be moving in, and the sattelite

is acting up now, so I was not able to look at the pic in the enlarged version. I will try again tomorrow.

Colleen-----That happens so much.....I think. Men do grieve differently, that's something I've learned. At first, after Dave's death, (and

Lisa's so long ago, my husband was so wrapped up in his grief, it was hard to get through to him. He is better now, but still so very

solitary in his sorrow. No real way to get much out of him. Families are often the ones who want us to 'quickly' get back to "normal'.

I guess they don't know what to say, and if they have never lost a child, there's no way they can ever understand. Sad but true.

Susannah----So very kind of you to fix Cindy's cushion after the dog damaged it. Sometimes we just have to jump in

feet first to find out we can accomplish something we're unsure about. I hope the dog doesn't destroy anymore cushions.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO EVERYONE HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - sure wish I was up to posting but the I have a cold that is really kicking my butt big time.....think it is worse because I am run down from all the work I have been doing.....off to doctor tomorrow.

Please know that I have read the posts, looked at the pics and all of you are in my thoughts as always....really need some sleep. Love, Peace and Strength, Kathy

[shorty16]

Good Evening Indigos

Well, I am taking a mental-health day tomorrow, vacation day on Wednesday and TH, F are holidays where I work. I am off for 6 days.

Davids Mom - How can there be a divide in your family when your son is dead? This divide also happened to us, but not with family, with a high school. On 6-19-08, Brian decided to climb on the hood of his friends car. The friend drove 68mph, lost control and took out 3 trees. When the driver hit the first tree, Brian hit the ground - died within minutes.

The driver is now a convicted felon at 19. The state prosecuted the driver, and I heard several times - "Brian should never have been on the hood of that car" [no sh*t Sherlock] or "I know the other side." What other side is there, my son is dead.

At the numberous court hearings and expecially the sentencing, the court room was packed with the drivers friends (who used to be Brian's friends). They all thought the driver should not be charged with anything. It was very difficult.

Davids Mom - How anyone can excuse your nieces actions is beyond my comprehension. I do not know if she can be prosecuted, USA does not legally require its citizens to help other when they can. (Good Sumeratin law)

This is my humble opinion, having gone through something similar. Consider yourself virtually hugged

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

I feel so badly, I think that the other day I may have missed some posts, now seeing a few posts for Kevin. Lynn, is that your cousin? If so I am so sorry to have missed the tributes. Blessings Sweet Kevin.

Sherry, I don't know much about mp3's or anything else, I do not even have an IPOD, don't want one either. I listen to the radio and to cd's and I am perfectly happy with those choices. Yes, Arms of an Angel is a gorgeous song, it rocks our story to music and I bet Lisa went right into the arms of an Angel.

Clarence the Basset sniffed and loved Eri's tree at Euclid Park, and that was the most fitting sign.

Trud, I remember the story of that woman dumping Mike's ashes in the mudflats. I am so glad that you and your family went to retrieve that precious cargo.

Kath, watch that cold, it kicked my butt for 3.5 weeks before i began to feel better, still have remnants of it.

John husband is taking Shannon to the airport at 4:30 AM as she flies out to join with Jonathan in Florida. Jon left a week ago tomorrow to visit my niece and friends of his and Shannon's. He drove and he and Shan will stay with friends and a couple of nights at a hotel. I am so glad that they will be out and about somewhere different for the holiday. I think Jon will feel less of that brooding we all know with a holiday. He has been fishing and golfing and more fishing. I smile when I think of him soaking in the blue waters and palm breezes.

Sleep well all, I am hoping for some good sleep. I woke up so much last night.

Peace out,

dee

[Chris]

Do you mind me asking you all how you handled your first holidays without your child? And for those like me that this is your first holiday without them, are you still planning things as usual?

I am dreading Thanksgiving but I'm really dreading Christmas. David was the magic of Christmas in our house. He still woke up at 4am ready for someone to open their presents, wanted to buy and give to everyone so they didn't feel left out and made me excited for Christmas every year. I don't want to spend Christmas without him but I have to because I need so desperately for Ariel who is 2 to find that magic that David so loved. It's so cute to watch her discover the lights this year that are beginning to pop up on homes around town. I can see in her how David was when he was little and this helps some but the bottom line is David will not be home and it's the first holiday he has ever missed. I told my husband I didn't want anyone coming over. We are the home the majority of the family always come too. I told Rick I can't deal with it. He said that instead of the 30 usual guests we have each year it will be just my brother and his son. Rick is thawing out the turkey to smoke and is going full steam ahead. I don't even want to think about it. I just want David home.

I did something odd today. I was walking through the house alone and I shouted out David's name. I paused like I always did in the past waiting for him to answer me from upstairs or where ever he was at in this big house. The silence that met me was the saddest silence I've ever felt.

I've been taking some advise concerning family on my facebook page. I've been deleting them. They won't even know I did it and I can say it was an accident if they do discover it but for now I need to block some of them out until I'm strong enough to handle them if that day ever comes. This seems to have helped. Now when I log on I'm not staring at all the posts claiming how they are moving on and enjoying their life's again. I don't have to read how my niece is doing. This is a very sore spot with me because there's a BIG part of me that thinks she should be held accountable but there are no laws other than negligence concerning her. So now it's blocked and I can breath a little easier until the next breath.

Thank you all for your awesome uplifting words. You are blessing me more than you will ever realize..... actually you of all people will realize it because you are right there with me.

[mikesmum]

Colleen - Love the Mental Health Days. I am now on day 1405 of my mental health days and can't see me coming off them anytime soon. In answer to your earlier question, no we don't have Thanksgiving. We have a public holiday for a horse race, and we celebrate Australia Day on Jan 26th. Its something that came into being around the 1800's after we established outside the 'convict' settlement stigma. I don't think I could do two 'family' celebrations in a row. Its tough enough with Christmas, Em's birthday (15th Jan) and Mikes angelversary (18th Jan).

Christina - Love the etching on the stone. Its something no parent should have to do, choose a stone or anything related to their leaving. As for the calling out, been there still do that. Even used to ring Mikes mobile after he died. It was given away to someone who thought it was freaky that I would ring him - 'ya know he's like dead'...No **** sherlock..

Rhonda - Same for the beautiful detail on your precious childs stone. Its hard to capture the essence of the being in stone.

Lorri - Anyone can buy a bunch of stuff from the craft store. It takes a mothers love for her daughter knowing her as only you can to make this 'stuff' into a reflection of Kourtney Lynn. Sweats aside, I do the sunsets in PJ pants and T-Shirt. Care factor has left the building.

Sherry - It was hard. Mal had to travel back to a local hardware store for a tub and scoop. I rang my brother (my sanity guage) and asked him if maybe this would send me to the 'funny farm'. His words...'bring him home sis'.

Dee - Can still hear the concern in your words for Jon. Hoping he finds peace and relaxation while he house sits. Change of scene can do wonders.

Kathy - Fluids vitamins and plenty of rest. Sounds right, but I know you won't rest till your new 'nest' is perfect. Thinking of you as you enter this new chapter.

Calligrapy was great today. I have finally mastered two fonts and am onto my third. The Christmas project is shaping up. I am finding 'projects' that inspire me to explore my 'abilities'. Its been awhile since I was inspired or motivated so heres hoping.

Mal has gone down with stomach flu.. Sorry guys but it sounds like a wounded bull caught in the mud. I swear if he had to give birth the EPA would fine us for noise pollution. Hopefully its 24hr bug. Not to sound too insensitive but I want to go back to the beach.....

Nite all. Trudi and MD

[Guest msnher]

Another 2am can't sleep...

Chris - The silence after calling our child's name is heartbreaking. Sometimes I get a little whisper in my head (in her voice) that says "I'm here, Mom." As for the holidays, I did what I could to make it halfway decent for my family, especially Stephanie's kids. I think the important thing is to not to expect too much of yourself.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Hi Betty, so sorry about the Giants. ( ha ha snicker snicker..not really) I know,I know. karma. :rolleyes:How is your sister today?

Dee, that nasty cold/bug that clings and will not let go, still making the rounds here. menopause..I was in early menopause, I think< when Rich died. Shock. No more menopause. No friend each month. My thoughts posted before, dieing of a broken heart, I do believe it happens. My grief, our grief, is not something to snap out of after weeks,months...good to hear that Jon is out and about.

I have a well meaning friend. She looked me in the eyes one day and said,"it's been a year"...me thinking," and?, what is your point. "

Lorri, maybe a second career as a floral designer. Very pretty Kourtney wall and flowers.

Davids mom, as these things go, what a great stone.( I hate saying that)

Rhonda, beautiful color in Westley's stone.

oh well. off I go. Looking forward to a couple of days off after tomorrow. I have decided to stay home/here for Thanksgiving . I do have an escape plane though .

Indigo's, peace.

[ericasmom]

INSOMNIA most of the night, should have gotten up but so tired, body doesn't want to do anything. I am up and getting the guest room all ready for Aunt and Uncle from Michigan, Husband's family. They are dears. I am wiped, have to teach, institute day tomorrow filled with what amounts to uninspired meetings. Oh well, being up is good when the coffee is strong, and it is.

Betty, my menopause has been in full swing for over a year now, and still waking in drenching mode. Glad that you have an escape plan. My big escape over this holiday is my new-ish tradition of going downtown on Friday, on public trans, and going to the ARt INstitute where the lions receive their wreaths. Each year a different sort of wreath, this year, I have heard, they will be solar powered. There is music and tradition and it all takes place outdoors. After the clebration outside, I will go inside and hunt my favorite paintings and sculptures, and the Blue Windows are back after a 5 or 6 year hiatus while being cleaned and restored. They are a gift to Chicago by Chagall. So beautiful. Anyhow, it is how I kick off the holidays, lost in a sea of humans, all by myself with angels guiding. If I am not too tired or chicken, I may bring my ice skates and go to the more remote rink to skate.

love to all,

dee

[ericasmom]

So I put some music on my computer to listen to while making the beds adn Cat Stevens is a soft place in my soul, so where will the children play came on adn I stared at my screen here, where the photos of Eri adn Jon's lives dance before my eyes...where indeed will the children play? They play and fly and zoom way up high, beyond our reach but never beyond our thoughts. Enjoy

[shellyku]

Good Morning Indigos! I've been reading all your posts and I still have trouble keeping names

and angels straight, but may I say my heart is with all of you and your angels. May I vent? I saw

a post about mental health days. I'm on yet another one today. For some reason, it is very hard

for me to be at work...probably because that is where I talked to Sarah most when she was either

at home or in the hospital. I would step outside at 8:45 every morning to call or text her to see how

she was feeling that particular day. Also when I was driving my 4 hour mail route, I would talk to

her. By the way, Chris (David's Mom) you asked if Sarah still lived with her Dad and I ...she did not.

She lived with her fiance Andy when she was diagnosed in a home he bought 2 blocks from our

house. As I mentioned before, they got married in the hospital because the wedding they had planned

in St. Lucia had to be cancelled due to her treatments. Friends, I am lost! I can't seem to get a grip

on my life. I've always been a little ADD(self-diagnosed) and it feels magnified by 100 right now...

can't think straight, wandering around with no real purpose, don't want to see people, etc. Have you

all experienced this? To touch on the husband, he is an anxious mess. My husband, Bill, doesn't

have a problem expressing his emotions. He cries terribly every morning before work but once at

the post office (we work together) he is all business. I am the polar opposite. I feel more comforted

at home and at work every day I fall apart, thus the mental health days. I am having my husband's

family here for Thanksgiving along with of course our younger daughter Jill and her husband, and

Sarah's husband Andy and his mom and step-dad. I'm not sure I'm up for it but I feel family is very

important right now. Truthfully, I don't know exactly how I feel and that's what I'm struggling with now.

Like I said, I'm lost. I pray you all have a peaceful day and I'm thinking of each and every one of you.

[lostwoher]

Yes Dee & Sherry- we lost my cousin Sunday evening. I received the word via text message from another cousin Granted I was at work but a brief phone call would have been much appreciated. Oh well at least someone thought to let me know. I called my other cousin ( Linda ) who had been spending alot of time with him and she said it all happened so fast that she wasnt with him. Kevin's mom called her to let her know that he had taken a turn for the worse to come over. Within an hour he was gone. He fought the fight but just couldnt hold out any longer. Kevin wouldnt accept his death was eminent until just a few days ago. Thankfully alot of his friends visited on wednesday to say their good-byes. Thursday he looked into Linda's eyes and announced, " Im dying". I made plans to visit late friday nite but alot of excitement due to a roll-over accident in front of my home and a fire across town and the fact I was exhausted from an unusually busy nite of work that I had fallen asleep. Guess it just wasnt meant for me to see him one last time. I do take comfort in knowing that we know for a fact he wasnt 'alone'. He had asked the nurse-" who are all the little people sitting on each of my shoulders?" Bet I know some of them

There will not be a service because it was his wish. I have a bit of a problem with that but...

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Thank you for your thoughts My sister is doing fine So far all test indicate that the tumor is benign Prayers answered.

Lynn I am so very sorry for your loss I know how you loved Kevin and how important your visit to him was. He also treasured seeing you. I agree the little people on his shoulder were no doubt our Indigo angels.

Dee I remember your trip last year to see the Decorated Lions Time does fly. I know you treasure that tradition.

Chris and Rhonda, the memorial stones selected fro Westley and Brian are so touching.. I am so sorry for the terrible reason that you had to select them but so impressed with their striking beauty

Shelly I am glad you are posting and . It is important that you are taking care of yourself with that mental health day. I did not celebrate the Holiday with family for the first 2 years I stayed alone listened to music, looked at pictures from Christmas past and visited the cemetery That was all I was able to do

The 3rd Christmas I did join family on a limited basis and it was OK This year I am doing the Holiday at my sister as she is recuperating It is going to be hard as there are many, many memories of Stephen in her home.

Sherry I too love that song and know how perfect it would have been for little Lisa. Stephen,So sorry about Daveys little dog Dash

Betsy wait til next time!! As far as menopaus I was 45 when my husband died and so did that phase of my life It is awesome how sadness effects our physical bodies.

Going shopping for food to bring with me have a Blessed day Indigos

[Guest msnher]

Lynn - I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin, Kevin! I saw your post but confused it with the article Dan posted about the 17 yr old left in a ditch to die.

Shelly - Yes. I went through (still do) exactly what you describe. I still find the most comfort in my own home, but some days functioning there is touch and go. It sounds like you have a wonderful family gathering planned. While there will most likely be tears, there will be love and support for each of you.

Dee - Your plan of escape over the holiday sounds wonderful. I so admire how you still honor life and beauty.

Wishing you all a peaceful day!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Miss-my-JJ]

Hi, I'm not sure I'm ready for this but here goes...

I lost my beautiful son Jordan on 5th November 2010... He was 13.

Jordan has always been a handful, he was a sensitive and impatient boy but catch him in a good mood and he filled our hearts with so much love and joy.

Over the past year or so he had really begun to mature into a well rounded, fun, intelligen young man, his relationship with his 10 year old sister improved a lot as did his relationship with me...for the first time we had fun together, we talke more, laughed more...

Jordan was very intelligent, focused on what he wanted to do with his life, what he wanted to be. He had 100% attendance at school, excellent grades for all subjects and had many friends, especially girls as he was a gorgeous lad.

On Thursday 4th he was his normal self, had a little argument with his sister, walked his dogs, everything was just normal....I made dinner and when my husband returned from work I asked him to call the children for dinner...

Jordan didn't come down...

My Jordan had taken his belt and hooked it on his bedroom door... My husband tried his best to gie CPR, I screamed lots, my daughter cried, I called 999 and the ambulance arrived after what seemed like an hour.

The hospital managed to get a heartbeat and paralysed him, chilled him and gave him lots of drugs...it's all a bit of a blur...after praying to god all evening by his bedside Jordan seemed to be improving ever so slightly, when they took him off the paralysing drugs he tried to open his eyes, tried to lick his lips, took one breath by himself but then had a fit, they gave him anti-fitting drugs but that caused more problems.

They paralysed him again and called for a team from a specialist childrens hospital to come for him, they were 30 minutes away when Jordan gave up... He fought so much but his little heart had had enough.

I still cannot believe my boy has gone, today I feel so lonely and have cried so much, I want him back! I want to see his smile, want to hug him, just once! I want all this to just go away.

I'll have to end this here, I apologise for my rambling story.

x

Thank you for reading.

[Crystal16]

My anxiety has hit an all time high! I’m frustrated, edgy and just plan pissed at not having Ashlee around during the Holiday’s. Family and friends try and encourage me by saying have faith trust in the Lord he’ll carry you when you feel like you can’t go on anymore. Where was HE when Dylan pulled the trigger…? I wont to scream, hit and destroy things, I need to have people understand the war I waging inside and stop pretending everything is okay. It’s NOT okay!!!

[Guest msnher]

Jordan's Mom - I am so, so sorry for the tragic death of your beautiful son! You did not ramble at all. You have come to the right place. Please, when you are able, tell us more about your son or whatever you want to talk about. There are no rules here. No judgement. You have been through so much and are so new to this journey none of us wanted to be on. However, we have been put through the emotion, spiritual and physical grinder and landed here, together. For that we can be grateful. Hugs to you and your daughter and your husband! I offer you the saddest of welcomes.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Amen, Crystal! It definitely is NOT okay. Get mad. Scream. Throw things. That is a normal response to this abnormal situation. That is an honest response. Tell us all about it. Yell through your words. We can handle your anger. Your anger will not intimidate us or scare us or make us think less of you. (And, it won't make God think less of you either)

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Hello again Indigos

Sarah and Crystal I am so very sorry for your pain.

Sarah How dreadful a loss!!! Jordan sounds like a wonderful adventuresome boy. Your love for him is so very evident. It comes thru in every word that you have written. I am so glad that you found the courage to come here and share. It truly does help. You have found a safe place to be with those who understand the terrible pain of losing a child.

My prayers are with you and your family. Pease come often and when you can post a picture of Jordan so we can get to know him as another Indigo Angel.

Crystal I know that anger I felt it for a very long time That is the reason I have chosen to spend my Holidays alone Please come here and share it helps

[shellyku]

Sarah - My heart breaks for you and your family. I believe you will find it comforting to share

your feelings here with all these wonderful people. I know I do. Please let us know more

about your Jordan and what a wonderful boy he was. My prayers to you and yours.

Crystal - I, too, feel such anger for why our dear children had to leave us. It makes no

sense!

To all other Indigos: Have a peaceful day to the best of your abilities.

[westleysmom]

Crystal-I have had nearly this whole year to prepare myself for the holidays without Westley and it still wasn't long enough. The anger and anxiety come and go, its not like those books say that you go through stages and move in a straight line from one to the next. At least for me it wasn't that way. I'm all over the place, its like I'm bipolar, up and down all the time. You are so new to this and I wish so bad your beautiful girl was still there with you and my boy was here with me. I have struggled with where was God when Westley quit breathing and I guess I always will. I don't know if we'll ever understand in this lifetime. I hope you are able to get a few minutes peace over the next few days, and your family will quit trying to make you "feel better" or guilt you into acting that way.

JJ's Mom-I am so sorry for your loss. My son Westley died in January and I told my husband last night that I just want to wake up. It all seems like a bad dream and it will for awhile, I guess. This place has been such a help to me and I hope that it will help you. No parent should have to lose their child, but we all know that it can and does happen and that others have made it through and that gives us hope. Holding you close in my thoughts today.

Lynn-So sorry for the loss of Kevin and glad that you were able to reconnect before he was gone. Yes a phone call would have been nice, but as you said, at least they let you know.

My friend Susan and I had talked about how the deaths of our sons had affected us physically. I thought for a few months, I was in instant menopause, but no such luck. I guess its just such a shock to the system, and I never knew I could cry so many tears.

Dee-Try to stay on your feet if you go skating! I would be on my behind in mere seconds if I tried. Weak ankles and uncoordinated to boot, I am.

Shelly-It sounds like your whole family is going to be there on Thursday. Let them help you is the only advice I would offer. Don't try to do it all, and if you need a minute alone, disappear. Tell someone where you'll be, so they won't all worry, but take care of you and let them take care of getting the rolls out of the over before they burn. I am a big fat chicken, and not doing anything about Thanksgiving, but showing up at my sister's for lunch. I may carry a pie or something, but that's it. I will be thinking of you and all of us on that day and trying to remind myself to be thankful. We did not lose everything when our child died, it is just so hard sometimes to be thankful for what we still have because we miss so much what we've lost.

Betty-So good that your sister is improving. Give her hugs from Tennessee. I hope the holiday in her home will bring more happy memories than sad.

Betsy-When somebody acts like its been long enough, I want to shake them and say "HE"S STILL DEAD! What about that don't you understand?"

Lorri-Beautiful flower arrangments for a beautiful angel.

David's Mom-It is so sad to call their name and hear nothing in reply.

Have a good day all, if you can.

[shorty16]

Crystal

I am there with you - girl. The senselessness of the situation is what ate at me - this did not need to happen. I was one angry person (still am sometimes). But, Crystal, the feelings you have will soften - I know it is hard to believe that. I felt, if I stopped hurting for Brian that meant I was forgetting him or not loving him enough. Really wierd thoughts go through my head - still do sometimes.

You can go out and throw things - I did. We bought a punching bag and I punched until I could punch no more. Tears steaming down my face. It felt good - for a while.

Hang in there, thanks for sharing what most of us have also experienced.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

I'm confused about names....correct me if I'm wrong...

Sarah is Shelly's daughter.

Jordan's momma didn't give her name.

I'm Stephanie's mom, Susannah..........

[westleysmom]

Susannah-I think JJ's Mom's name is on her profile, she just didn't sign it on her post.

[shorty16]

Dear Miss my JJ

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please join us and tell us all about you sweet boy JJ. My son, Brian was 16 when he decided to climb on the hood of a car. His friend decided to drive 68mph, lost control and took out 3 trees. When the driver hit the first tree, Brian hit the ground and died within minutes - the scene is 1/4 mile from our home. Brian is dead and the driver is a convicted felon at 19 - everybody lost that night.

Please know, you are a good Mother and your husband a good father - I struggle with that everyday. I know I did my best and it hurts me that my best may not have been good enough. Short of following Brian around, I do not know how I could have stopped it.

You have come to the right place.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Shellyku,

You are describing most of us in the beginning months of our childs death. I was the one who takes "Mental-health" days from work - still do.

I went back to work a little over a month after Brian's death. I cried at my desk and would schedule meetings so I could leave at 1-2pm. I was exhausted - all the time. That went on for about 6 months and I cannot believe I was not fired.

I went to my doctor and envoked the family leave act. I worked 32 hour weeks with Friday off for my Stevens Ministry angel. That went on for a year.

After a year, I went back full time. It is 2.5 years later and slowly, but slowly I am somewhat productive. It took me a long time to get back to my multi-tasking personality.

You are not going crazy - you are grieving.

Consider yourself virtually hugged

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Thank you for clearing that up for me, Rhonda! You are right! I forget to even look on the profiles...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

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[Chris]

I'm going to miss so much here but there were so many posts that I was sitting here saying yes yes yes to.

First off JJ's Mom, I'm right there with you. You were typing my words, throughts and feelings, I'm crying with you. I miss my David so much that it litterly shuts my life down. I've cried so many tears that I had my doctor tell me to drink fluids because I would dehydrate. Then there's the other children in my home that need me but I find I have nothing to give right now so I feel lost and very helpless. Family & friends fade so I feel alone. One emotion that have had a few times lately is the one where my pain so is cosumming that I close my eyes and welcome insainity as if this was something that was going to happen, just let me go crazy and I don't have to feel this any more. Of course that doesn't happen but the throughts are real. I have begged God selfishly to take me over & over. He's not going to do that either and I get glimpses of my other 2 children and the pain I would cause them if I wasn't around. Here is one big help I've found and that is when I'm running full steam into the wall, crashing like there is no tomorrow I have a link on my browswer in big letters that says HELP. It's the link I created to this site. I come in here so broken I can't type, I can't form my words, I'm just grasping at anything to make this pain stop because at that moment I can't handle it. I begin reading everyones posts, their pain, their encouragement, their advise and by the time I get them all read and I am ready to post I realize I'm not in that panic screaming mode I was in when I first crashed into this room. Oh and I also seem to ramble a whole lot too, or it sure feels like it. Where your thoughts take you in a billion directions but I'm not sure if I'm typing them in all those directions. You are not alone. I know I talk about my son all the time. It makes the world uncomfortable but not in this place.

Crystal & Colleen, I fight anger so much these past two days. I haven't got mad at God yet over David's death. I think a part of that is because I got to spend 9 days with him in a coma pouring my heart out to him, watching him get better then watched him struggle to hang on, I watched him weaken and look so worn out, I watched his heart struggle to sustain his life here on earth. The doctors told me that coma patients can hear us so I talked to him constantly. They also told us that music is proven to be a real healer for brain injury's, I put the speaker to David's ear playing christian music while he slept. I told him I loved him so many times but it's still not enough. I feel at the moment that God saved my son. My anger is in the system that put everything in place that caused my sons death from the doctors who don't monitor their patients they prescribe high level narcotics to see if they are even taking them or selling them, to the dealer that is selling their script for profit that caused my son to die, to the woman that turned her back on my son & let him die a total preventable death without even calling 911 or attempting CPR. I want to hit something and I will be honest there are many times it's her face I see when I rage & want to hit. The punching bag sounds like a good thing. I have had laryngitis since David died. It's been treated with steroids & antibiotics but it's still there and it worsens when I cry. I really believe it is all from crying so much. I also had one day when I was so flipping out pissed that I slapped myself so hard on the cheek I saw stars. I don't remember what that was about, it was about the second day after David's funeral.

My husband called me to inform me that we are going to my inlaws for the weekend. He thinks he is helping me by making plans for me. He will call and tell me that on his lunch hour we are going to do this or that. I know he means well and I have to fight not to lash out and tell him to back off.

I had another odd moment this morning. I catch myself wanting to voice things that I know will never happen like saying I want David to come home. I stop myself from saying it because I know that will never happen. This morning I was in my bedroom at the closet looking at something on the top shelf when it hit me how desperately bad I want David to come home. Instead of shoving that down I screamed it out loud, I made it very vocal, I said it over & over and realized how angry I was. My 2 year old came in and I just looked at her and said softly "I just want our David home". She hugged my leg.

I miss you David Scott Sims so much and I love you will all my heart. Heaven is only a breath away baby.

[hoosiermom]

Hello to all

I joined this group a couple months ago but have only posted a few times. I held back at first because it seemed like I would be intruding into private conversations if I posted, and lately I have held back because I don't know where I fit in or belong.

My Brianna was 15 when she passed on July 5, 2009. She was a special needs child, (I have two other daughters also, ages 22 and 14) My family likes to tell me how fortunate and blessed I am to have had her for 15 years, and while I don't disagree with that, it also doesn't ease the grief and sorrow I feel. I can't say "Oh it was great while it lasted, time to move on" I don't know how anyone can expect me to. I went from caring for a child who required her every need tended to....to nothing to fill that void. Oh and I am a single mother, so there's no husband/significant other to lean on. I took two weeks off and went right back to work, I had no choice.

This will be the second holiday season without my little girl. When she was alive, my other girls would go to their dad's for Christmas day and I would be at home with her, so I was never alone. Last year, I was completely alone, and not one single family member called me, invited me over, nothing. One good friend called me and brought by a plate of food. I spent the day crying, it was horrible. Brianna never knew Christmas from any other day of the week, it's not like it was her favorite holiday. But that void is there. To be honest, Christmas has never been my favorite holiday to begin with. Being a single mom, it was always a struggle to give my daughters a Christmas, many years I received help from local charities, etc. It has always been a stressful time of year for me, made much worse now with the loss of my little girl.

This second year without her does not feel much different from the first year, although the breakdowns are less. I can wear "the mask" at work and force myself not to think about her, in the first year I would often go out to my car during lunch and cry. My life was so consumed with Brianna's care and working full time that I did not have a social life....not many friends, no boyfriend, I have not dated in 8 years, since I split with my ex. So now I find myself very isolated and very alone, and don't know how to reconnect with the world. Who could understand what my life has been like for the past 15 years?

Thanks for listening

Jenn

[Chris]

Karen,

I swear you are me. I hear the words Merry Christmas and stuff like that & I just feel this emptiness or maybe it's a great sadness that makes me just shut it out.

So far the blocking people has helped. If the are nagging behind my back over it I'm just glad it's not getting back to me.

Oh someone mentioned they sent their son text messages on their cell phone. I still do that. I didn't even think that they might reissue his number to another. I've texted some crazy stuff but mostly I text I love you.

[Guest msnher]

I need to write this so I remember it. I don't have to go to every fight I'm invited to. I can respect and honor others opinions without agreeing with them. I don't always have to voice my disagreement. I don't have to try to save the world. I don't have to fix it...whatever "it" is. It's okay for me to be happy (or not) when others aren't or are. How can I teach my grandchildren to honor who they are if I don't honor who I am and/or honor who others are.

Glad I got that out. I needed it today! Not for anything here on BI. You guys are great! Just for living my life in the face to face world.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

PS - I felt like I needed to add for the newcomers that I was told to show my grief to Stephanie's children so they would know it's okay to grieve. Right after Stephanie died I was running to the bathroom all the time to cry so they didn't see it. I stopped that and we learned to grieve together. Who hurts worse? In the beginning I was sure I hurt worse. Now, I know that her children hurt just as bad and her siblings hurt too. Comparing the level of ones pain only brings resentment. Grief is a power unto itself that demands to be honored and respected.....just like a tornado or tsunami. We are all in it together. In my humble opinion.

[Chris]

Ah Jen my heart is with you. I'm crying with you and I'm so glad you are here.

I have a big feeling that on Christmas I'll be in here a lot so you can hang out with me.

[kmb22]

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[Crystal16]

Jenn,

I would love to hear more about your daughter, Brianna. My daughter, Ashlee who was also 15 died this past September 3, 10 by the hands of her boyfriend. I am dreading the holiday's but know I must go "through the motions", pretend and give some normalcy to my other two children that look to me for comfort.

Susannah- I agree showing your emotions is a healthy healing process for anyone involved.

[ericasmom]

Sadness to all the New Parents here this Autumn. Somehow, we all hope that nobody else will have to go through this, we know better in our minds, but our hearts, our hearts always plead for others to not have to know this kind of hurt, anguish, despair. Hang on is all I can say right now, even when you don't want to hang on, please do, if not for you then to let your Angel know that you will stand where they no longer could. God Bless all of your broken hearts, please know that one day but not now, you will feel the ache in a different way. It never goes away, we would not want it to, but it does morph and change and we learn to live in it.

I promise you we are here for you.

dee

[no40corysmom]

Hello everybody...I haven't been around for quite a while. Sometimes it is helpful for me to be here; other times, I get so sad, even more than I already am. There are more new people; I'm so sorry to hear of your stories. Of your pain.

JJ's Mom....I have been where you are. My sweet, beautiful Cory put a bullet in his brain 896 days ago, April 30, 2008, at the age of 15, just a couple weeks shy of his 16th birthday. Like Jordan, he was fun, sensitive, gorgeous, smart, and everything was going fine, so it seemed. He had the usual teen issues, but nothing that ever alerted me to him being capable of doing what he did or that he even was seriously considering it.

His dad and his little sister, also 3 years younger than him, found him. His sister held him while his dad called 911. Cory and his sister were always fighting and she was always telling him how much she hated him. While she was holding him, all she could say was how much she loved him. He didn't die right away, but we knew.... we knew we'd lost him.

I still suffer from the pain. But, each day I still put one foot in front of the other and the days just keep rolling on by. I never thought I could or would get to this point, going on 3 years now. It just does not seem real. I do try to be a mom to my other 3 kids, 2 of which are older, but they still need their mom. My husband and I made the decision too that even though nothing really matters anymore, our children matter, and we -- as husband and wife -- matter. Other than that, my faith is the only thing that keeps me going.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. We all have a rough patch coming up here over the next month and a half.

Julie

Cory's mom

5.24.92 - 4.30.08

[Crystal16]

Julie,

My daughter, Ashlee was also shot in the head and everynight I close my eyes all I envision is her being in pain. My ex and I did not see Ashlee after the tragedy we did not wont to remember her that way, life less! The detective in charge of our case said she died within minutes. A part of me wished I would have said goodbye, held her, kissed her stroked her long beautiful hair and told her how much I LOVED her before we had her cremated.

I hate that so many children are dying it does not make sense to me!!!

[Miss-my-JJ]

Thank you all for your warm welcome and kind words, they really are a comfort to me. I'm also so very sorry to you all for your reasons for being here, right now I don't think I can be much comfort to anyone else here but I'm sure, in time, I will be, I hope I can be.

I keep asking Jordan to give me a sign that he's ok....I found a White feather under my mums dining table. The same day she had asked him to show her a feather while she was out walking my sons dogs...she walked for miles and didn't see one but as she got near her house she saw a muddy 2 pence piece on the ground, she picked it up and thought to herself that she should wash it, when she did she again thought to herself that she bets it was made in the year of Jordans birth...and it was! She also noticed that on the 2p it has feathers....

Lots of people in my family have had, in one way or another, a sign from Jordan....do you all have these things happen to you or are we just clutching at something, anything...do you believe in angels?

X

[hoosiermom]

Hi Miss my JJ

Those are my initials, btw JJ

I believe that death does not break the bond between a parent and a child. That bond is so strong, so connected, that it endures until we are together again. My Brianna was a special needs child, she was born with spina bifida (hole in the spine) and had many other health issues. She could make sounds and noises, but the only word she ever spoke was "Ma", and there was no denying that's what she said She communicated non-verbally with me, I knew by the look on her face how she was feeling. She would hold eye contact with me when she rarely did for others. Some parents on here recall the last thing their children said to them, for me it was the last time I had eye contact with Brianna before she was put on a respirator and sedated.

A couple weeks after she passed, I dreamed that I took her to a speech therapy session to prove to everyone that she could talk now and no longer needed their services. The therapist asked her to name all her family members, and she said all of our names. I believe that was her way of letting me know--yes I can talk now, and I know who my family is

Also, she loved Barney the dinosaur. I've shared this story before. I must have over 50 Barney vidoes at home. I put a stuffed Barney in her casket with her, I had Barney engraved on her headstone, we even wore purple for her services. A few weeks after her passing, my youngest daughter walked to a local convenience store and found a small plastic Barney on the ground. She brought it home to me, and I told her that some people get pennies from Heaven, we get Barneys from Heaven

So yes I believe that our precious children send us signs that they are whole and happy and always with us.

[Chris]

JJ's mom, yes I do believe in Angels.

What I don't believe is that our loved ones give us bad signs.

David gave me signs while he was in a coma which I know was a God thing. He also gave us an amazing sunset like many here experienced that day. My son was an organ donor. Our donor coordinator who was there with us through the last two days of David's life was a very sweet compassionate person. She lives around 3 hours from us. When everything was done my nephews fiance that had been with us through the whole 9 days of David in ICU was looking for a car, she had talked to this woman before David fall into a coma about purchasing her daughters car but when David was hospitalized Tori didn't call her back. After David's funeral Tori called the woman and apologized for not calling, she said there had been a death in the family. The woman told her that was ok because she had a family that's son was removed from life support that she needed to be with. Turns out to be David's organ coordinator. What a small world we live in. Tori bought the car because she said that was a message from God.

The day of David's funeral a woman came up to me and said "did you know that butterflies are our loved ones spirits coming to visit us". I have no idea who she was but it was a sweet story. Then after the funeral I was sitting on the front porch talking to some of David's friends. I had just said something about how was I suppose to go on without ever seeing him. Right then the most beautiful butterfly fly right up to my face and just hoovered. I held my breath and whispered David here. I'm sure his friends thought I was a little crazy but they all got quiet and watched as this butterfly just hoovered right in front of me. I had tears pouring down my face. I remember one of the guys saying this was the weirdest thing they had ever witnessed but I didn't speak, I just watched in total awe. Pretty soon the butterfly flew off. Now I don't know if there's truth to the whole butterfly spirit thing but that made me a believer. A week later after David's stone came in we went out to the cemetery to set it. I was sitting on the tailgate of the truck while Rick dug the hole. This butterfly came up and sat on the back of the truck as if it was watching. I smiled and stayed quiet. I felt like David was there with us and maybe the butterfly is a sign to remind me he's here. In the past 1 1/2 months there were many more stories involving butterflies. Now that winter is here I will have to wait until spring to see them again but I know when I do I will be smiling.

[mikesmomrs]

There have been so many new parents posting these last weeks...I am so very sad for all of you...so sorry for your loss, your new, unchosen life, your broken heart. Yes, I think all of us here, no matter how long or short a time, find it difficult to "do" the holidays. Mike died on october 14th, so Thanksgiving (a favorite for him...traditional family stuff, etc.), and then of course, Christmas came along pretty much with our next breath. So very painful, but so necessary to do them because of the grandchildren. That first Christmas, Mike's boys were 10, 9 and just turned 2. It was important to 'keep the flow of their life" going, though we did make sure they were allowed to express their feelings of sadness, which they did. I found this poem that year, and blessedly, it did help to be able to convey my feelings, and even more blessedly, I have seen each year carry with it a little more softness, a little less of the piercing pain of that first year. The poem still resonates through my heart, but I am able to allow some of the celebrations now, in Mike's honor...as he requested.

Stop the children’s singing,

The voice I long for has been stilled.

Turn out the sparking lights,

They are no longer reflected in his eyes.

Close the shops, lock the doors,

The gift I want just isn’t there.

Take away the Joy, the Peace on Earth,

the Season’s Greetings.

I want company in my misery,

Throw out the baubles, the ornaments,

the pretty packages,

I can’t see them through my tears.

Light a candle in his memory,

Tell me you remember,

Send me a blanket of pure, white snow,

To cover the Earth,

and his place in it.

The first snow that fell after I found this poem was significant, and it truly did "cover the Earth and his place in it"; it didn't make the pain go away, but I did feel a kinship with these words.

I offer it to all of you who are new to BI, so that you can find words to express your feelings, even if it is only within yourself.

What Dee said "Hang on is all I can say right now, even when you don't want to hang on, please do, if not for you then to let your Angel know that you will stand where they no longer could. God Bless all of your broken hearts, please know that one day but not now, you will feel the ache in a different way. It never goes away, we would not want it to, but it does morph and change and we learn to live in it." is so very important to remember...it truly does morph and change, and while our hearts are forever broken and changed, we do learn to live in it. Letting your angel know that you will stand for them is important, also. I know others who have been here a while have heard this from me so many times, but it truly bears saying again when there are new people here, especially those who "got the call" and did not have any idea what their next moments held for them...when Mike was just a few months from passing (Mike knew from his first surgery that he was not going to be cured, that his illness was terminal), he stood facing me, with his hands on my shoulders, looking into my eyes and said "Mom, you can't die because I do." He told me how he wanted me to carry on, to live for him, to live to keep his memory going for his children, for all of us. It was a difficult thing to listen to, but it had to be said, because he knew me, he knew I would curl up and die if I could. And I wanted to, oh how very much I wanted to. But, I couldn't. Anymore than any of us can...we have to honor them, to live for them, to live fully for them, when we can.

Someone else mentioned, and I can't remember who it was, please forgive me...I can't look back at the page before this because if I do, i will lose my post. I generally do my post in Word first, but didn't this time, and if I click out, I lose it. So, anyway, I was referring to whoever it was that said it is just so painful when people come around during the services, etc., make like wonderful friends or family and how glad they are to be able to "be there for you," and then they disappear, and when they see you again, wonder to others (and sometimes even more cruelly, wonder to you) why you "haven't gotten over this yet." Whhoever it was, I think had mentioned that their sister said there house is "a house of despair," and if I remember right, it was only a month or so ago that you lost your precious child!!! When I first started discussing my loss with my therapist, and was discussing how difficult my boss was being, my therapist told me that my boss had a rude awakening coming to him, because the "average" time it takes for someone to begin functioning in any normal way again (not "get over it," but to just be able to function again) after the loss of a child is THREE YEARS. Not three weeks, or three months, or a year, but THREE YEARS! so these people who expecting you all to be happy and partying or even just smiling when you see them, don't know diddly, and prayerfully, never will.

Jordan's mom, I loved the feather story...your son is near, and always will be. The other stories have been wonderful to read about, also.

Christina...the laryngitis...I truly get that...I was the same way for almost a year. My "screaming times" w on the way to and from work...in my car...pounding the steering wheel over and over. I remember one night, I cried all the way home, over and over, "I'm sorry, Mike, I am so sorry..." People finally started asking me if I was going to the doctor for my "sore throat" and laryngitis...I just looked at them and said "there is no cure...it will go away in its own time." Eventually, they stopped asking. Surprise, surprise.... I loved the story of the butterfly...yes, your Davis is letting you know he is near.

Got to go...supper needs fixing...

sending love and peace...will check in later.

love to you all, each and every one on this site...whether you just read or read and post...you are in my heart and my prayers, daily.

carol mikesmomrs

anyway, that's just my two cents worth, for now. I am in the middle of trying to clean up for Thursday, so I've got to get back to it. It is only going to be Ralph and I, with Cathi and her two boys, but I still like to have the house clean and presentable on T-day...which it definitely is NOT right now!

And, bookmarking this site with HELP seems so very appropriate...it has helped me keep my sanity many, many times.