Loss of an Adult Child

[rlolheiser]

I am in a slump today.. I hate the holidays.. they just aren't the same. I have read about what the loss of a child has done to relationships and reflect back on the past. I watched as JaBoa's mom and dad split up. I listened to them point the finger of blame on each other, and silently took on the blame.. I always thought that I was the reason for everything..always thought that I didn't have the right to feel so much pain, but time and this site helped me through a lot of that. I know now that the marriage of my daughter was going to destruct long before the death of our angel. I know too that I have the right to feel the harsh pain of loss, I lost a beautiful grandchild, I lost the daughter that I had.. I lost the mother that I had.. I lost the ability to feel safe loving my remaining grandchildren without fear I will lose them. But with the loss.. I have my daughter, she is damaged yes, but I have the ability to try to guide her to a safe life.. I also have the ability to take care of mom .. I know she isn't in some home away from loved ones. I also have 6 remaining grandchildren that need the love of their grandma and depend on me for guidance. I even know that the weekend before JaBoa went to be with God..she had a kick-ass Halloween party, she was the belle of the party and she was happy. I don't know why God took her.. I have a hard time with the "God needed another angel".. case really.. the world needed her more as I you all would agree with me on your individual precious angels..but she was here.. she is here.. she has left her imprint on so many people.. I would so much rather have her here in my arms, and listening to her laughter.. but I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for.

I know I am rambling.. I am trying so hard to put my life in order.. I have found out some things that I am finding hard to deal with.. things that have been hidden for a good 25 years.. and it has hit me as hard as if it was today.. what is life.. it just seems to unravel everytime you think it makes sense..I want to scream but nobody would listen anyway.. (I know you would).. I just am kinda lost.. I am upset.. yet at some type of peace at the same time.

I better get out of here.. before I go on another tangent.. thinking of you all!

[mikesmum]

Dan - Its sickening to think that someone would hit this boy and leave him to die. Here in the past month we have had 4 hit and runs in our state. Best I can think is the fear of 'what might happen to them' outweighs the need to do the right thing.

Prayers for the family that they might get answers that will ease some of their pain.

Christmas. Well Mike loved it. As a kid he would go to bed early so as Santa could come. As an adolescent he would lead his siblings and the family dog into the woods around our house and bring back a pine tree that only need the roof to be raised 'a little bit'. As an adult he revelled in 'breakie'. A casual grazing with Laurens family then traditional Christmas dinner with us.

I have ornaments, knitted red bells that he made as a teenager. He would come to my work and sit with those who didn't get many visitors. One elderly lady was so impressed with his care she taught him to knit bells.

After he died I fought to keep Christmas 'alive' for him and my family. Mal wanted an artifical tree, we always had pine. It was like trying to breath with a pyriamid on your chest. Nothing was the same. Tears flowed as I served, opened presents with the grandies and then total collapse at the end of the day.

Last year I had Zak and Jeya for the weekend just before Christmas. When I picked them up they had been decorating their 'pine' tree. Instant memories flooded. We drove back to the hills passing a 'Christmas Tree Farm'. There were only a few still available, but as I did with mine when they were that age I set them free to 'find our tree'.

The giggles and squeals and 'I've found it' made my heart lighter. I spoke with the owner a lady about my age. Her son about 14 was with the grandies cutting the tree. She told me I was her last sale for the year. Her oldest son had been killed in an accident overseas the months before. His body was shipped home. She was so distraught at not being 'there' or having to wait to have him 'home' with her.

She smiled as Zak gave her the money for the tree. She in turn have him armfuls of Christmas Lillies for our home.

It was a sad day, but in many ways put much in perspective for me. She still sells the trees, hopefully the pain is a little easier for her this year.

It will be an army of grandies that swarm her forest this year. I thank whoever is running this show for my grandies, without them, Muttley, the beach oh yeah and you all Christmas would be still a dark abyss for me.

Peace mung beans and out.....Trudi and MD.

[mikesmum]

Leah, we posted at the same time.....

Tangent away, here is the place and sometimes it just feels better after we travel off into thoughts.

Hope you are able to find some peace here.

Trudi

[lolynbo]

MY KOURTNEY WALL...

[lolynbo]

I LIKE THIS PIC TOO...

[daveydow1]

Colleen-----My son, Chris, is well and happy. He misses his little brother, Dave, though. They were pretty

close......especially as adults.....loved to talk about music and hang out. Thanks for asking.

Susannah-----You mentioned leaves.......we're waiting on my mom's huge Norway maple in her back yard

to drop its leaves. It's always late dropping. My sis and I will clean them up when they finally decide to fall.

It's always c-o-l-d whenever we rake......BRrrrrrr.

Trudi-----Yep....just a thought, memory, or even a fleeting thought can trigger the tears to fall. No way

around that, I guess. Hope you are doing better.

Nick-----Prayers for the boy who died, and his family.

Rhonda----Oh, I know how it is so bittersweet to have your child die before ever having a good relationship,

marriage, or a child. However.......as you so wisely pointed out, they will not have to ever endure a heartbreaking

divorce, and possibly be separated from their child.....if they had one. Our boys were spared that kind of sorrow

at least, and also to face the need to bury a parent. You must cherish that picture of West and his grandad sitting

on the couch. It is sad to know that you have lost them both. My dad died 9 yrs. before Dave. They, too, were close.

Dee-----Christmas ornaments sure can bring smiles & tears. We still have the little plaster of paris ones that we got for

the kids to paint, and there was a little space to glue a picture to it. We've had them for yrs. Becky would always tease

Dave....saying "Look how dumb you look".......and Dave would come back with "You look dumb too".....and they would

laugh & laugh and get such a kick out of those two ornaments they made when they were small. Have you seen the

ones in catalogs that you can order in memory of someone.......they say -------"I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear---

I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year". I was tempted to send for one, but my husband said it might be too sad

to put it on the tree, so I didn't send for it. Also, I feel that I, too, was not the strictest parent......let kids slide with grades

etc., but they turned out OK anyhow, just as your sweet ERz. My daughters & I fought way more than my sons and I did.

Something about mothers & daughters.......huh?

Leah----Sorry that you are feeling down. This time of year can bring on a lot of sad feelings. As you say......we push ourselves

to participate when we don't feel like it for the children's sake. Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[kmb22]

Edit

 

[summergirl]

Back again to say hello - have read all the posts and am so saddened by the thought of that young boy being left to die in a ditch...you are right Dan - it makes you wondr. Prayers for the family.

Lori - I love, love the Angel Wings and Kourtney's wall - so beautiful. I am going to have to go check out Hobby Lobby again....

Brian - losing a child is tough on a marriage (as has been said). My husband and I went through a rough time but we have made it through.....the most important thing is to "realize that each of us grieve the same yet differently" - I believed I grieved more than my husband did and was very angry with him for not "feeling" as I did....he just kept his on the inside and I was very verbal....After some pretty rough times we finally had to bring it out with each other or we would destroy our marriage... Realizing that my husband was a "keep it all inside" person and accepting that brought us back together. I for one believe there is no deeper pain then losing a child.

Speaking of the Holidays - my husband is lying here next to me as I type watching a Christmas movie - I am not happy about it as I am NOT READY for the holiday spirit....I wish he was watching it downstairs but I cannot be mean to him - good thing I am a fast typer so he can not see what I am writing...

Well, I went today and picked out all the carpet....they come Tuesday to measure and plan on installing it on Dec 3....I asked them to try for a sooner date and she said she would try. Last night bought a new refridgerator as the one we have is so old....we were going to wait but it was such a great deal....it was 1,499.00 and on sale for 2 days only for 699.00 - and it was the one I have wanted for a long time....Things are coming together. I FINISHED the master bedroom today a long day and my body is reminding me I am no longer 25 years old...but I have to keep going as we move soon. Tomorrow I will finish the livingroom and then Tavian's 2 rooms and I will be DONE painting....whoo hoo - I am going to have a drink to celebrate

I am feeling better, I do not know what has been wrong, or maybe I do, I just know that I have been down low. Missing Jessica more than I can say....damn it hurts.

Well, hubby is falling asleep so maybe I can sneak the remote and change the channel.....

Love, peace and strength to all, Kathy

[Chris]

Hello Indigo,

My name is Chris (Christina).

I'm here because my son David died Sept 27th, 2010. He was 27 years old, father of 2 sons ages 5 & 6.

I've read a lot of posts here and see I'm not alone even though it sure feels like it. The pain of losing a child I feel is the worse pain anyone could ever go through. It's not been 2 months yet and I'm still running full steam into brick walls. There are days I think this is how my life will be forever. I'm learning that I hate the words "forever" & "never". I also never knew someone could cry this much. I guess I'll try to explain what happened & is happening.

My son David is a recovering addict. He had been clean for the past year. He was a single father going through a divorce. His wife was not contesting the divorce or the custody of their sons. David lived for these 2 boys. He was an awesome daddy. Him & his sons were living with us while he worked & saved him money to get a good home for them. My birthday was September 18th. David was hanging around the house for the day in good spirits. He was joking that he had a date later than night and that he really liked this girl. He showed his dad a picture of the girl from his cell phone and they talked that she was really pretty. David thought she was pretty special. They apparently were going to double date with another couple but it was going to be later that night. We had my birthday, David was teasing me telling me that I didn't need to have any more birthdays because I was getting too old. I gave him my "I'm going to kick your butt" look, he laughed and said "Ya know I love ya mom". That was the last words I would ever hear him say.

David left our house that night after 8:00 pm to go on a date. By 11:00pm the police were knocking on our door telling us our son had been found by some women in a parking lot unresponsive & taken to our local hospital. We live in a small town of 10,000 people. Our hospital is not set up to handle ICU cases. They were able to revive my son and put him on a respirator but he was not waking up. They sent him by air ambulance to the city where he would get better care. At first they thought David had been without oxygen for too long & was brain dead. Then by the second day his eyes became respective to light. That doesn't happen when brain death occurs. By the third day David began breathing on his own along with the respirator that would finish his breaths when he was too weak to finish them. This was a sign to me that my son was fighting to come back. We never left his side and waiting for any sign of improvement to give us hope and when we got those signs we were celebrating. On the third day I had a doctor pull me into a conference room and tell me that my son was brain dead, was not going to wake up, that he had never witnessed anyone waking from this kind of injury and because of the incurring cost we should consider removing him from life support. I flipped out because he put a price tag on my son. He never was allowed in ICU again. He wasn't even my sons doctor, he wasn't even a neurologist. The third night my husband pinched David's finger and he winched in pain. That was a biggie but we didn't know if maybe we just imagined it so we told his nurse. She said that the same thing happened to her earlier. We were rejoicing because this is a big sign his brain was healing. Brain death does not feel pain.

We got a call around this time telling us by a family member that David had not been found in a parking lot, that had been a lie to cover up where he really was. He had been a my oldest nieces house. She is a needle drug addict and has 3 children under the age of 7. She had purchased a fentenyl patch that is suppose to be for chronic cancer pain to ease some of their suffering. She begged David to do it one last time with her before his divorce was final. His date apparently fell through, the other couple couldn't make it so David caved in since he had nothing else to do and did this drug. It immediately caused him to go into respiratory failure. My niece freaked out and left him there, she went across the street and had the neighbor help her re-pierce her nose while she knew my son was laying on her bed dying. Finally she called her dealer to come get his body and made up the story that he was found in this parking lot so that the dept of social services wouldn't come & take her children away from her. She is a nursing student, she did not call 911, she didn't do CPR, she let him die for her drug. She didn't realize that he had a strong will to live and a strong heart. The doctor's told us if she or anyone had just given him two rescue breaths he would have walked out of the hospital that night.

By the 6th day we were staying at home, 24 miles away and getting up driving back to the hospital to stay until late at night. The phone rang Saturday night around 2:34am and David's nurse told us that that his heart rate had gone up and they had been working on his oxygen intake for a couple hours but weren't having a lot of luck. She was worried that David's body was giving out & thought we might want to come on in to the hospital. We got there and he became stable again. The nurses laughed and said it was a mama thing. Later that day on Saturday our doctor came in and told us that what was causing all this was David had fluid on his heart and he needed to do an echo. By Saturday night we thought we were going to lose him again when his oxygen dropped but his heart rate shot up again. The doctors told us that David was so strong but his body was just so exhausted. We could see it in his face and it was breaking our hearts. Sunday we met with the team that included all his doctors and nurses that had been on staff just for him this whole time and told them what we were wanting.

I told the team that I was a Christian and was praying for my son's healing, that I do believe in miracles but I also knew my son was suffering so I am also realistic. My plan was this. As long as David improved I was standing strong with him because this was David's way of telling me he was fighting to stay here on earth. If David started going downhill on his progress that was also David talking to me telling me he fought the good fight but he was ready to go home to heaven. Rick and I saw how difficult it was for him to breath. Even though the respirator was breathing with him we saw him struggle. His heart was giving out and I just broke. My son was talking to me in a big way though his body, telling me he was ready. Rick and I were so heart broken because neither of us wanted to let him go but seeing his pain was heartbreaking. We told the team that we were going to wait for Monday to see if he had any change, after that point we decided to have the respirator removed. If at that time David continued to breath on his own and got stronger then it was God's will he stay here. If not then we were ready to except David going to heaven.

Once this decision was made they told us that David had signed up to be an organ donor. They aren't allowed to tell you that until you make a decision to remove life support. At first I was ready to say NO, they were not cutting up my baby. He's too beautiful to do that to. But I also knew that he signed that donor thing on his license for a reason. He made that choice. I kept telling myself that maybe he would keep breathing and none of this would be real.

I signed all the papers and couldn't believe how fast and big a donor team is. There were planes landing with teams within an hour to do blood work. National data bases at work looking for people who were matches & were the most urgent care. I got scared because it felt a little weird with all this going on around us and my son is laying there alive. I just stayed there by his side praying for a miracle. I hadn't slept for a while at this point so I was getting a little punchy. I think I apologized to 20 people that day because I would chew someone out for just looking like they were forgetting my son was real & not a harvest of organs. He was alive. I know they were doing their jobs and there was a time thing going on. I just kept looking at David and wondering why this was happening. He was so young and so beautiful. He was my baby and I was praying. Add a million other questions in that list and you still wouldn't reach the end of my "whys".

Sunday night David's heart rate shot up again. We had about 2 hours that we stood holding his hands while the team worked on him to try and stabilize his breathing and heart rate. They shot him full of drugs and nothing was helping. The nurse said if they didn't get him stabilized soon that he wouldn't live for another hour. In the snap of a finger his heart rate & oxygen went total normal. They said he heard them and we all declared it a total David moment.

This journey has been so long and painful but it's also been very joyful. I know that sounds odd but my family and David's best friends stayed at the hospital for this whole week just lifting each other up. In that time we talked and joked, laughed and cried. Every story told was something about my son. He is bigger than life and has touched so many people that I didn't realize just how totally insane, crazy, funny, klutzy, goofy & absolutely amazing he really is to others outside of my home. Through all these crazy stories being told on a minute basis in the hospital, the team that worked with my son got to know him through all us and fell in love with him. They saw all the pictures of him on our phones and I was amazed again by how many pictures everyone had. I could see David was in the best care ever because these people loved him. There were times when I was breaking down and David's nurse would be lifting me up from the floor while she held me so tight and cried her eyes out with me. David's doctor did the same thing with Rick. David's nurses were swapping shifts with other people to make sure they were the ones taking care of him & not strangers. That alone is amazing in any hospital setting.

The time was set for Monday at 4 pm to remove David's respirator. We called in the whole family to let them know what was going on and ask those who wanted to say good bye to him to come on up. I told all of them that this was not a funeral because David was very much alive and that he could hear them. We all set up and watched the Chiefs game with David on Sunday and told him about the game, play by play so he knew his team was kicking some serious ass that day. We mourned with him the Arkansas & Alabama game. We talked and stayed together all night long. I wanted to drink in every moment with my son that I could ever have and bottle it up forever if this was going to be my last night with him.

Days before all this a lady came in and gave me this beautiful hand made lap blanket that some church ladies made. She told me that every stitch in that blanket, a prayer was said for my son so that when it was laid over him he was covered in prayers. I thought that was just too cool. Sunday night I laid down beside David and covered him and me up with his prayer blanket. It was covered with my tears by morning. I had a hard time with the fact that David was alive, he was warm, I watched him breath, I heard his heart beat, I felt his breath on my cheek, ran my hands through his beautiful hair, wipe little tears from his face, but he was going to possibly die around 5 the next day. I kept telling Rick that it was almost like an execution. He reminded me at that moment that this was all in God's hands and David's hands. If he was not ready to go home to heaven and God was not ready to take him then when the respirator was removed, David would live. He was right. He just had to keep telling me that.

Monday morning came & I started watching the clock a little closer. The nurses were trying to make sure I ate & drank. I never knew until then that you could dehydrate from crying. That's a lot of tears. I now understand it.

By noon the clock was beginning to overwhelm me. The nurses made me sit with the clock behind me. I just kept kissing David's cheek, this nose, his forehead, the lay down and just hold him. I bet I covered him with a lifetime of kisses and it's still not enough. I kept thinking that all this, the kisses, the touching, the seeing was about to end forever and it would send me into panic mode that made me kiss him & love him more.

By 1:30 pm they said they were going to allow the family & friends some one on one time so they could tell David goodbye. His nurse said that some people will need this because it's harder for them with large groups. She was right. People that usually just stood to the side and didn't approached him because they didn't want to take my time with him away, needed that time to talk to him as much as I needed it. During this time I learned that David had been accepted as a donor after his blood work had been completed.

David's donor coordinator told me that David was in a 1% percentile in the nation. Many people fill out the donor cards to be organ donors but only 1% can be one like David could be where they are on life support so all the organs are preserved. Leave it to David to be different that the other 99% of the population.

At around 3:30 I broke down. I knew the time was getting close. There was only 1 hour left. I panicked big time. I told David I couldn't do this, I didn't want to do this. I told him to just wake up and lets just go home. I didn't know if I was making the right decision or not. I told him I couldn't live with myself if I made the wrong decision and all the "what if's" that I knew would haunt me the rest of my life. I was holding his face watching my tears soak him. Rick was crying standing behind me because the pain was so unbearable at that moment I thought I couldn't possibly breath.

At that very moment David's heart rate shot up to 235 beats a minute. The nurse ran in and started messing with the million machines that were hooked to him. She gave him some shot in his IV that wasn't helping. I got angry and told David NO I'm not listening to him this time. I was not doing this. He was not leaving me. It shot up again to 300. I broke, I was crying and leaned down to his ear and told him I understood. I knew that was David talking to me telling me he was ready to go. I knew I was being selfish wanting him to stay but my heart was breaking to let him go. As soon as I told David I heard him his heart rate slowed down to normal again. I knew in my heart he was trying to tell me ot let him go.

Yea I'm crying too as I type this.

At 4:30 pm they took David & us down to the 2nd floor to the OR to get ready. Since David is an organ donor it meant that the minute his life ended they would begin to remove his organs before they were damaged. That is why we were in the OR. They took David in while Rick & I got suited up in surgery cloths, including masks so that everything was sterile. While they prepared David for surgery they kept us in another room. They didn't want us to see this part so that our time with him was more personal. It seemed like forever and I was worried that something had happened. I wanted to go in, this was my son and I was feeling that panic come back but I stayed quiet & just sat there telling myself that David was ready.

They called us into the OR and directed me to this area towards David's head. The surgical sheets were up so I couldn't see the people on the other side. I was scared I would see them all standing around waiting like volcher's and it's not like that at all. It was like a tunnel to David. When I got close to his face and realized he was respirator free, I could see his whole mouth and lips. What I saw is so etched into my mind that I will never ever forget it as long as I live. I looked at David and saw he was smiling the biggest goofy David smile I've ever seen. It was an open mouth, full of teeth joyful smile that nearly dropped me to my knees because I thought he was awake with such an amazing facial expression. I turned to Rick and said "Oh my God he is smiling, do you see him"? Rick was crying and saying yes he could see it. I watched him take a few more breaths and then he was gone. My baby was gone.

My brain was telling me that it was time to go but my heart was hanging on so tight. I pulled the mask down from my face and kissed him. I told him for the billionth time how much I loved him.

I was quickly escorted out of the room and all I remember was Rick grabbing me as I started going down in the hall. I'm in full surgical gear, I just witnessed my son dying and he was being operated on that very second. I broke so hard that I don't even remember what happened. Rick was breaking just as hard and all we could do was hang on to each other. It was like a pain that came from the depths of my soul. We walked to the elevators & were to go up to some floor where the rest of my family were suppose to be waiting on us. I don't even remember it. When we walked into this hall we found my family standing there looking shell shocked. I kept asking did this really just happen, did my son really just die? People were coming in and hugging us but we couldn't take our eyes off each other. I'm sure Rick was thinking the same thing I was, it just couldn't be real, things like this don't happen, we just watched our son die and now he's being operated on. Suddenly Rick whispered in my ear "lets get out of here". He was pealing the surgical cloths off me while we hugged nurses that were crying and thanking them for loving our son. Next thing I know we are sitting in our car, just Rick and me alone.

We sat in total silence for a while. I know it was shock. I started crying and ask Rick if we really just went through that. He was trying to start the car and was shaking so bad that he dropped the keys. I wasn't sure if he should be driving at that moment but I couldn't seem to form the words. We start driving in the direction of home as I look back at the hospital and thought of my son being in that operating room at that very moment and I was racing home. Something was so wrong with this picture. I could hear Rick crying while he was driving and wondered if I was also crying. I can't answer that question.

We are on the highway and the cell phone rings. Rick answers and we are told the operation was over. It was David's nurse. She said that she could tell me that David saved several life's that night. A young man in Pennsylvania was getting his liver, another person was getting one of his kidneys. I don't remember if she said more because I was thinking that there was a mother holding her son's hand crying and praying to God that a miracle happen and her son would get a match on an organ that would save her sons life. That mother's prayer was answered and I knew David's response would be "that's so cool".

The cell phone rang again and this time it was my sister. She said for us to look to our left because God was giving us another sign.

I will never be able to describe the sunset Monday night to give it justice. There was this group of clouds all poofy and gold. Light was streaming though them with rays of sun light shooting in several directions. There were smaller clouds all around the big cloud and each one had these trails of cloud or something that were shaped like angel wings. Like a wisp. It was on each little cloud. The center of the huge cloud opened up and the most brilliant golden light I've ever seen shown through. Rick started crying and turned to me and said "do you see that? David is making one major grand entrance into heaven" The cell was going off the hook with every friend and family member calling and freaking out over the same thing. They were all witnessing this amazing sunset and everyone thought the same thing I was, that it looked like heaven just opened up with angels surrounding the entrance. I thought Rick was going to wreck the car because we were watching it and not the road. I found out today that my sis took pictures of it and is sending them to my email. I can't imagine a picture capturing all that.

Now I know why David had such an amazing smile on his face when he died, he was looking into the eyes of God. Can you imagine at that very moment what he was seeing? It made me think of that song by Mercy Me called "I Can Only Imagine".

Now that it's been almost 2 months I'm so broken, so lost, I miss him so much there are days I don't know how to function. This is too much pain, I don't know how you all survive it. Oh my God I miss David so much my heart hurts.

I'm sorry this is so long. I've never talked this much before.

[mikesmum]

Chris, (Christina) Tears fall as I read your story, David's story. There is so much you have travelled through these past two months. I want to tell you it will be okay, but best I can offer is the ache will become softer, but it will be with you always.

I love your description of the 'goofy smile'. I'm big on signs. A smile, an amazing sunset. Knowing another mother/father has their child because of David's gift is something will see him live on forever.

I saw the pic on your profile, David is one handsome young man.

Its hard when your child struggles to survive addiction only to have one slip take it all away. So many whys and whatifs.

Please come here as often as you need. Write, read or just visit. Here we do get it. Tell us more of David as you are able. I'm also big on the belief that our children are more than that last day, they shared their lives with us for much more than one day.

I'm Micheal Shanes mum. Mike died in Jan 07. My eldest he had 10yrs of debilitating medical problems. He was treated with Oxycodone and various other prescription meds. He died from a lethal overdose leaving his precious one year old daughter behind.

You will come to know us, we are a 'family'. No need to explain, or apologise here. Here we truly get what you are experiencing.

Trudi

[hotrod]

Dear Christiana

I am so very sorry for your oh so difficult recent loss of your special son, David. He certainly is a handsome young man and loved by many. I know the devastation you feel and am so glad you found your way here. Just sharing your loss with others who understand really helps . Your post was powerful and I do feel as if I was there with you as you endured those painful days and the truth about the place of his accident.

It was so very special to have that blanket stitched with prayers. How symbolic to rest next to David with a blanket covering you both that is make from a Mothers tears and prayers. The beautiful sunset that evening was truly a beautiful gift

I lost my only son Stephen 3 years ago and This Board saved my sanity Stephen passed in his sleep and when I found him, the next morning he , like David looked so Happy and was smiling I knew he too had seen a beautiful vision. Stephen had been in recovery for alcoholism for 12 years but lost his battle and died of an alcohol overdose

Thank you for being here and sharing the journey.

[ericasmom]

Hi Chris,

got home late after being out with my sisters and nieces.

Your pain is evident and your loss so new. We are here for you Christina, will remain here for you adn for each other. This place is a family and a home of sorts where we come to find the space in which to grieve. It is here that we find our loose ends and manic thoughts are the norm in the first year or two of this deep mourning. You are never to feel that you should be getting over this loss, and eventually, as Trudi said, it will become softer, but not now. Now it is very raw and biting, it is unbelievable and all too believeable all at once. It is pure pain mixed with the majesty of his special Goodbye. We have similiar stories in the end, you and I. I will share mine in the sunlight, but now I will go to bed. Suffice it to say that I lost my Daughter, ERica Eileen, (Eri, Erz, Bing, Tink>>>) seven and a half years ago. How in the world is that possible I often wonder...how can she be gone for such a long time? but here I am,trying to live a strong life, reshaped to allow for the ache in my heart, and make room for the ways that my heart has reformed. Eri was 19 when she died, her car struck by an Amtrak at a broken crossing and while that would normally end the story, she hung out for 6 days and we gathered with her friends adn our families and lived at the trauma center until we also pulled all of the measures from our Girl and let her fly away. A few hours later, she too shone through the sky in a blaze of bright pinks, purples, magentas, and in the form of a giant cloud-girl, complete with braids in clouds branching off her head, (she had dreads) and her large feet and big hands were reaching as the sun shot through her, and finally a giant big cloud right above her hands, as though she reached for him, it was a big man-cloud, all purple and midnight blues. She reached heaven we are sure, and my sisters who by then were one state away on their way back to Illinois(accident adn hospital in Michigan) called to scream to look at the sky, ERI is in the sky. Indeed she was, showing us that she made it home.

Welcome Chris, sadly I welcome you.

[Chris]

Thank you all. I figured my post was so long that it would be overwhelming.

Thanks for the comments on David's picture. There's a really cool story that goes with that picture.

I was making a memorial movie of my son off Windows Movie Maker. I'm no pro, I just love to make videos of my kids. The day before David OD'ed he had just got out of the shower and was in his room getting dressed. He noticed the camera sitting on his dresser and picked it up and took that picture of himself. His hair was usually pulled back and you really didn't realize just how long it was. I call that his Jesus picture. The sunset behind it is not the sunset from the day he died, I can't find a good quality picture of it to use but it's pretty close to it. I told my husband that I would love to mesh the two pictures together to make it look like David was watching over us from heaven but I had no idea how to do that. I clicked play on the video while I was doing some editing and clicked stop. I looked up after clicking stop & that picture was sitting there in front of me meshed together. I just froze and stared at it unbelieving wondering how I did that. I quickly clicked the snap shot button on the page because I was scared it would go away. I think David had a helping hand in my movie. It's crazy but it's exactly how I wanted it done.

[Chris]

Thank you Eri's mom. It does sound like we share something so similar. I look forward to hearing your story in the daylight. It's crazy how many people have asked me how I could make a decision to take life support from my child. They just don't understand. It wasn't my decision, it was his. And there was a chance, however slight it was that he would live once that life support was removed. You explained the levels of grief so right on where I'm at. I go from unbelievable to overwhelming believable. It's the overwhelming believable that crushes to the soul because it is so final. I'm finding a lot of anger also comes into this and knowing where to direct it is frustrating. I feel like I'm standing still while the rest of the world fly's by.

[mikesmomrs]

Christina: I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, David. Tears overwhelmed me as I read your post...reading of the pain and sorrow that lived in your heart those days brought my heart to a standstill. Please don't worry about your post being long, or overwhelming. Neither is a problem here, we all understand. and we do want to hear about your David...when you feel up to it, and want to talk about him, whether it's today or a week from now...we will be here, to offer support, comfort and most of all, understanding. the "unbelievable" part of all this is always with you, and the pain you feel now is so raw and piercing. We will never be completely free of our sorrow over the loss of our child, but the pain will soften over time...much time...and in a time frame that is different for each of us and totally unpredictable. Also unpredictable are the days when we plummet back into the deep abyss that catches us now and then, throwing our hearts and minds back to those first moments. Our children are indeed still with us...they want us to live on in their honor. And eventually we are able to do this. I loved your story of the sunset on the way home...so beautiful and filled with love. I loved your story of David's picture, also...what a wonderful sign for you to receive to help comfort your broken heart. The picture is wonderful. We lost our son, Mike, at the age of 31, to brain cancer, on Oct 14, 2006. He also left children behind...three boys, at the time 9, 10 and almost 2. Mike had remarried just a few months before he became ill and received the diagnosis of terminal cancer. He truly loved his boys, and over time we have seen many signs that he is indeed still with them...these have brought us much comfort. Holding you close in prayer and thought...

Please do come and tell us about your sweet David. We will be here, ready to listen.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmomrs]

Karen: The stone for Shawn is beautiful...my heart aches for the feelings you are experiencing with its placement. It is indeed a final statement, one that sets fire to our heart and the pain is all consuming it seems. We understand, and send comfort to you, my friend. Seeing the engraving of your worst nightmare does indeed make it seem so very final, even though we know that its being there doesn't make it any more true...it's already more true than anything we ever could have imagined. Holding you close...

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Karen, I do remember when the stone was placed at Eri's site. The cemetery nor the stone carvers let me know as they were supposed to do, and so one day upon a random visit, there staring up at me was Erica Eileen Reith and the words and dates of our Girl. I wept, and screamed to see her life engraved in stone, short number of years on rose colored granite. I know adn I am sorry for the way it wrenches your spirit.

Chris, yes, the most aching place is when the believability is present. The shock is waring off, it takes a long while, even when we think it is all worn away, there seems to be little bits left covering us in a bit of protective goo, allowing us to unweave ourselves from the cocoon when we can. There is nothing easy in this, hold tight to our hands and hearts, you are well supported here. You and Karen and Crystal and Rhonda and a few others are pretty new to this. WE circle around you like Momma and auntie elephants for their youngest. WE have you covered.

Carol, so good to see you and your lovely words. Sherry, glad to see your colorful posts, love to see you shining through.

[Guest msnher]

Karen - Shawn's stone is beautiful. I understand the thoughts of this is really happening. It is so hard to wrap our head around it, isn't it? Hugs to you!

Chris - I offer you the saddest of welcomes to this wonderful group of people! I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son, David. Thank you for allowing us to walk through the "valley of the shadow of death" with you as you described David's journey from this life to the next. I, too, love the picture of David in your profile. If you don't mind me asking ( and, certainly don't feel obligated to answer ) what happened to your niece? And, what happened to David's children? My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died on August 9, 2009 from injuries sustained in an ATV accident. Like your David, she struggled with addiction, but she was clean and sober at the time of her death. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I legally adopted and are raising. I look forward to getting to know more of your David as you are able to share.

Lorri - I love the angel wings. The other picture you posted is too small on my computer (it might have something to do with my eyes) for me to know what it is, really. The one with the trees.

Kathy - You are practically getting a new house...thanks to your hardwork! I would imagine this is a very difficult time for you. Hugs to you, too!

Hugs to all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Offering prayers for the family of Kevin Sullivan…such a tragic happening…I pray they find some answers, but as we all know, the answers won’t bring them peace…the only thing that will bring them that is to have him standing in front of them again, smiling and saying I love you…

Trudi: Glad your project is coming along…I know exactly what you mean by not being Leonardo DaVinci without the numbers….I need to tape the ruler down to draw a straight line. Ralph and the kids all have the drawing talents…they used to sit for hours and draw in years gone by. I loved your story of Mike and the knitted Christmas bells…such a testimony to his sweet spirit that not only would he visit the elderly there, but also that he would sit and take the time to learn from them as well. Reading the story was like feeling a hug from him. Thank you for sharing. My heart will be with you as you take the grandies this year to find their ‘best tree.” I am so glad that you drove by the tree lot last year and stopped…sweet Micheal was there with those little ones as they raced through and found just the right one. We did bread dough ornaments one year and we still have a few that Mike made…we had actually done them to sell and raised money for Christmas that year, but we kept a few that each of us made…so glad that we did!

Leah---holding you close…praying that things will ease up for you and you could just “be” for a bit…

Lorri: Love Kourtney’s wall, thank you for sharing with us.

Sherry: I loved the story of the kids making the plaster ornaments…the echoing in our mind of such memories is what helps us to make it to another day. So bittersweet, yet so vital to our breathing our next breath.

Kathy: I am so glad that you are nearing the final touches on the new house…I can’t imagine the energy you’ve expended getting all of this done. You will feel so good though when it is all done and you finally settle into your chair and look around at your new surroundings. Tavian is going to enjoy his new space so very much…what a wonderful gift for you to give to him. I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better.

Betty: How was the opera? I can just imagine you, all dressed up, and sitting there letting the beautiful sounds fill your heart.

Dee: I was shocked to see the time of your post last night…glad to hear you spent time with your sisters and nieces, though…I know that is always a good time for you. Such a wonderful blessing to have that time and their kinship. Of course your beautiful Erz was right there with all of you. I love hearing your “cloud girl” story of Eri…something that lives in your heart and sends sweet love to your spirit. Tears fell as I read of your “finding” Eri’s stone like that…such a horrible, heartbreaking thing to happen! I am glad that you find some measure of peace there now and can sit and spend time with your beautiful “Tink,” though I imagine there are still times when the feelings can be a roller coaster ride for you as you remember that awful day.

Sus: I am glad that Gary is there for you and the kids…so much pain and sorrow in the past, yet you have done such a good job with these children, and their future has been altered blessedly by yours and Gary’s presence in their lives.

Rhonda: yes, as Dee said, it is wise to take your time about opening those Christmas things…when you are ready you will know…Christmas can be so heartbreaking, but once we are able to pull on the sweet memories of those Christmas’s past, we are able to feel the blessings again, tinged with sadness for sure, but gifts from our lives with our child, nonetheless. You mentioned perhaps giving some things to some of Westley’s friends who are not so fortunate…I can see where your loving son got his sweet nature.

Colleen: I wish you peace and moments of joy in this first Christmas at home in a while…Brian will be there, with his smile, sharing in the new memories that you will make with your Michelle and AJ, and Trevor. I imagine from your stories that Trevor has not had many “Christmas memories” that warm his heart…he will this year, I am sure. You are such a sweet person to have taken him in and I believe he will benefit from your kindness throughout his life.

Betsy: Prayers for your friend, Raffaella…I went through the same thing with my best friend Rita…I pray that Raffaella will find healing and good health again. I think we all understand and feel your sentiment about “happy with a heavy heart.” Likely that is what could describe all of us who have been able to find that laughter in our lives again…it is there, but weighted down with the sad memory that one we loved so much is not here in person to hear it or cause it…though we are thankful and blessed for the memories of those moments that live in our heart…something that can’t be taken away, ever.

I am so very much enjoying our new computer…still haven’t gotten the printer set up; hope to get to that today. It looks like Cathi’s truck is going to be totaled, though we won’t know for sure til early next week. Unfortunately, she is feeling some increased pain in the area where she had her back surgery last summer…she will see her surgeon tomorrow. She said she had to “wrangle” the truck when she was hit, as it was spun around 360 degrees and she was trying to keep it on its four wheels, and this seems to have aggravated the shoulder pain she had before the surgery. I pray things are not back to where they were. Jamie is having a very hard time when he has to be in the car…always jumpy and anxious and worried that something is going to happen again. Hopefully, this will lessen as time goes by. He is working with his therapist on it.

Crystal, Brian, Amy, Bonnie, Marcia, and all those I’ve not mentioned…thinking of you, as always.

Wishing all a good day, laced perhaps with a wonderful memory to sweeten the hours for you.

Love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Christina

I read your entire story and OMG, we are here for you. The beauty of this place is each of our children died in a different way - my son was a risk-taker and died in a completely preventable car crash.

We are also here to tell you that you can get through this. I wonder if law enforcement would want to talk to your niece?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

CHRISTINA ..IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS OF YOUR SON..DAVID....AS I READ YOUR FEELINGS/LIFE I HATE TO CALL IT A STORY..WE WISH IT WAS A STORY....I WENT THRU SO MANY OF THE SAME EMOTIONS YAL DID...INFACT I THOUGHT THIS VERY THOUGHT...

If he was not ready to go home to heaven and God was not ready to take him then when the respirator was removed, David would live

.EXCEPT IT WAS MY GIRL KOURTNEY...I NEW AT THE TIME IF WE WERE TO TAKE HER OFF THE MACHINES GOD COULD MAKE HER LIVE WITH OR WITHOUT THEM...WE TOOK HER OFF SAT MORN SHE LIVED TIL TUESDAY 9:10 AM...THEN PASSED AWAY FROM A BRAIN BLEED SHE GOT PRETAINING TO HER BRAIN TUMOR...SHE WAS ONLY 22 YRS OLD..JUST MARRIED...WE HAD ONLY FOUND THE TUMOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS B4....

YOU HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT PLACE OF FREE HELP, LOVE, FRIENDS, LAUGHTER, AND MANY TEARS....WE ARE HERE FOR YOU...

[ericasmom]

Chris, I just went to your profile to see the photo that you spoke of and that others have commented on and it is absolutely beautiful. I do believe that David had his hand on yours when you were editing, he was helping you see what you wondered about. I love the signs from our Babies!!! He is a beautiful man.

Carol, thanks, I know I was up late last evening. It was good to get out with the girls. It is one more place where I can freely speak of Eri and hear her name spoken by others. My joy. We did have some laughs and I am bolstered by the comraderie.

Each year My class and I adopt a family for the holidays. WE do it through a program run through our community and it serves many. So each September I write to them adn ask that they send us a family of three, two kids and an adult, and if possible to give us a boy and a girl. So we shop online, we began this last week, girls picking things out for the 10 year old girl, (we get a list of sizes and wants) and the boys getting things for the 6 year old boy. The conversations they have around the computer are dear, priceless, a gift to my soul. I ask that parents that are able to donate money to this endeavour instead of buying this old teacher a gift, my gift being this exercise in outreach and helping kids learn the true meaning of the joy in giving. So those of you wondering what to do to make this holiday feel worthwhile at all, you can call your local adopt-a-family and do the same or you can adopt an adult around the same age as your Child and purchase what he or she is needing. Knowing that you are providing some element of happiness might go a long way to healing a tiny piece of your broken heart while going a very long way to making someone, a stranger, feel thought of.

[Chris]

Thank you all so much!!

I'm fighting anger today along with just gut wrenching sadness.

David has a facebook page where all our family & his friends use to post. I think maybe I make it a sad place or it's just everyone moving on because no one posts there any more except for me. I usually post things like "I love you".

Today I went to his FB page and felt hurt and anger that the world moved on so fast, including the rest of the family. The girl he was dating is in a new relationship. His almost ex-wife has a new boyfriend and my grandsons. I'm happy that the boys are getting David's social security checks but I see my DIL posting she's been out shopping for herself, going to the gym etc. All these things she wasn't doing before but now she can thanks to my son dieing. I know this is all so petty but it bothers me. I guess I want them to miss him like I do.

[Chris]

This has probably been posted a million times here but it was given to me for David and it really touched my heart.

The Dragonfly

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water

under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle

in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple

and comfortable life in the pond with few

disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community

when one of their fellow beetles would climb

the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again.

They knew when this happened; their friend was dead,

gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt

an irresistible urge to climb up that stem.

However, he was determined that he would not leave forever.

He would come back and tell his friends

what he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water

onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired,

and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap.

As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up,

he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly

with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.

So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty

of a whole new world and a far superior way of life

to what he had never known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends

and how they were thinking by now he was dead.

He wanted to go back to tell them,

and explain to them that he was now more alive

than he had ever been before.

His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water.

He could not get back to tell his friends the good news.

Then he understood that their time would come,

when they, too, would know what he now knew.

So, he raised his wings and flew off

into his joyous new life!

[shellyku]

Hello Chris! I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your son, David. The picture of him in your profile is

just stunning...what a beautiful young man! How heart wrenching your journey has been, my prayers are

with you. I have not posted on BI very much but I do read a lot of the posts from everyone else. I don't know

what to say a lot of the time, how to put my feelings into words. My daughter, Sarah, died August 18th of

this year from Leukemia. She was 29 and had only been married for 7 months. She actually got married

in her hospital room! I would love to hear more about your dear David, as we all would I'm sure. Please know

that I will be thinking of you and praying for peace for all who dwell here. Shelly

[ericasmom]

Shelly, how nice to see your reach to Chris, so new to this agony yourself. As you told Christina, to let us know more about David, I would love to hear more about Sarah. I know that sometimes putting the words to the life seems impossible or that you can't do her justice, but sometimes just sharing tiny pieces of your life with Sarah will help your heart, knowing that others are saying her name. SARAH, you beautiful Girl, the Girl of your Momma's dreams.

[Chris]

Thank you Shelly!

I catch myself feeling overwhelmed so I'm training myself to click this link because I find when I get to that edge I can read messages from you all to each other and it calms my panic. I know you all know exactly how I feel.

You're Sarah sounds like the movie A Walk To Remember. (((hugs)))

My extended family quit calling and checking in with me. I was told that this is about the time it starts getting harder. I can't imagine this getting harder.

Was Sarah still living at home when she went to heaven?

David had just bought all the stuff to remodel his room. That has turned into a major project for my husband to finish it. I went upstairs to his room yesterday & just sat there and cried. He would love how it looks right now.

I sit in his rocking chair & hold his leather jacket. I'm not sure why that seems to be my object I go to when I feel the need to squeeze him but it is.

David is my hugger, my cuddler. I miss this so much right now. Each one of my children are different, David was the middle child but he was more the free spirit. He belonged in the 60's. lol

He loved music and used the lyrics to speak for him. Now I seem to listen to a lot of his music to hear him talk.

[nicksdad]

ShawnsMom...The stone is beautiful looking...Hearts look great on it.

David's Mom & Dad....Welcome to the site (for lack of better words).

Brian...Not sure how i've missed your postings but have now seen them. Hopefully you

find comfort in the site as I know I have.

Nick's best friend Jacob had a son and lately he has stayed with us for the night on the weekends every few weeks so Jacob and his girlfriend can go to dinner/movies etc..they are young. It's great to have him he is so cute.

His name is Aiden "Nicholas"

It's scary to think what Nick and Jacob would of done with him together. I can see the kid in the cars with them, at car shows, at the race track..it would of been so fun to see. Nick was wild but loved kids and Jacob was like a brother to him.

[aim630]

Dee-We had that exact thought yesterday (adopting a child for Christmas). We went to the mall, and usually pick 1 or 2 children's tags (showing their age & wants) off the tree. This year Katie said instead of buying her something big, she would like part of her Christmas gift to be buying something bigger for one of the kids on the tree. Then we decided we would do this for Ashley, and buy an older child an iPod or digital camera. (Ashley loved taking pictures and listening to music). I had always picked a younger child because it is easier to afford the toys they ask for. I doubt many of the kids asking for an iPod actually get one, so it will make us feel good that someone will be happy on Christmas. It breaks my heart to see so many children that are in need. I really wish we could afford to buy something for everyone!

Chris-I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found this place. I don't post a lot either, but I do come here & read almost every day. My 23 yr old daughter Ashley died 2-9-10 unexpectedly of a blood clot after being hospitalized for 3 months with pneumonia and H1N1. She had been on the respirator the whole time, and in a medically induced coma for much of that time, but was recovering & they had begun to start to wean her off the respirator, when her heart rate suddenly went up, then stopped. I hate hospitals now & when my husband had to have surgery on his kidney in May, I had a panic attack & had to leave his room. I too, looked at your picture of David, and it is beautiful. I'm glad he was an organ donor, and was able to help save so many other lives. They never asked us about Ashley's organs, but I'm assuming it was because she had been sick for a long time. Sometimes I feel like this is so unbelievable, and then it hits me that this really is real, and I feel like all the breath has been sucked from me. The other parents that have been here longer are a great help, and have words of wisdom for us. Whenever I feel really down, it helps to come here and know that other people know exactly how I feel.

Karen-Shawn's stone is beautiful. We had Ashley's ashes for 7 months before I was able to set them out. My relatives wondered why I couldn't do it. It was just seeing her name and the dates, and knowing what was really in there hurt so much. If I didn't put them out, maybe I could pretend this never happened (although every minute of every day I know it is true).

This Christmas will be difficult, but really last Christmas was our first one without Ashley. Although she was still alive, and we believed she was going to recover, she was in a coma, and every day she was in that hospital I knew something could happen. I have to put the tree up and buy presents because of Katie, but my heart is not really in it.

Love and peace to all the Indigos,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[shorty16]

Trudi - This coming week is Thanksgiving in the USA. Does Australia have any holiday like that? I cannot tell you how many times I looked at the calendar you got me for Christmas and did not see a holiday I know is coming?!?!: Fathers day, 4th of July, THanksgiving. I laugh each time I look for the holiday and it is not there - Fun

Dee - Erica is very proud of her Mom and how she helps all the newbies here. The 7 years without your Erica have taught you how to put your grief into words and have those words help others - Always a pleasure to read your posts.

Amy - This Christmas will be tough. This will be our 3rd Christmas without Brian - the first we are staying home. We think we can do it this year. Much sadness when I wake up and know Brian will not or never will again be with us on Christmas - We will think of him and I know he will be around us - Just like your Ashley.

Dan - What a cute little boy. Love the name also. WHen we see some of Brian's friends, they look so different then we remember them and our Brian is frozen in time at 16, Just like your Nick a bit older than that- We will forever go down that road, but we cannot stay their - we can come here and read.

Shelly - So sorry for your Sarah - many people just come here to read and not post. If we make you feel - not so alone - then we all benefit. Keep on reading. That is why I come here. I do not know anyone who has lost a child around me. Not that I can talk to? Except here.,

Marcia - My friend, we do not see sweet Bethany's face too much - just know we are thinking of you.

Carol - Your posts are so thorough. You read each of our posts and respond - what a sweet person you are. I do not have the time to do that. I wish I could be better, but just short and sweet posts from me - except this one.

Betty - I bet NYC is beautiful this time of year. I know several people who are traveling there for the holidays. Do you go and see the lights and decorations at all?

Lorri - How is Kourtney's Kloset doing? I bet with the weather getting colder, kids need coats, hats, mittens, etc. Any additions to Kourtney's Kloset lately? I am proud to know my sons name is on a plaque in another state. Thanks for that feeling.

Bonnie - How is the little man? I was thinking about the long showers he takes and my son Aaron is just like that and no matter how much we pound on the door, set a timer, turn off the water, he just cannot seem to get any shorter - I love these little quirks, about our kids.

Love to my friends.

Scott and I are spending Thanksgiving apart this year. He is going to Madison to spend it with his family and I am going with Michelle to Jake's parents house. We were invited to Madison, but just too hard to sit in that house and stare at the empty chair. Scott does not seem to mind that I need to do something different - this year anyway. Makes me sad I will not be with Scott, Aaron and Trevor, but they are coming back the same day. Maybe next year

Love to my Indigo friends.

Colleen, Brians Mother FOrever

[lolynbo]

Lorri - How is Kourtney's Kloset doing? I bet with the weather getting colder, kids need coats, hats, mittens, etc. Any additions to Kourtney's Kloset lately? I am proud to know my sons name is on a plaque in another state. Thanks for that feeling.

WE NOTICED THURSDAY WE HAVE GIVING OVER 600 PCS OF CLOTHES AWAY JUST THIS MONTH...SO YES VERY BUSY..SEEMS THAT THE FAMILIES THAT COME LATELY ARE IN DIER (SP) STRAIGHTS...THE NEEDY OF THE NEEDY...ITS VERY HUMBLING....AND IM SORRY YOUR SWEET BOYS NAME EVEN HAS TO BE ON THE PLAQUE...BUT THAT YOU MY FWEND....

[ericasmom]

Dan the Baby is adorable, and yes, Nick would be holding him whenever he could, showing him his cars, whispering lovely little sayings in his smiling face. I think it is dear for you and your wife to watch the baby for Nick's best friend, it gives you the time with a lovely baby that Nick loves too, and it gives the young couple time out. I do think that they must think the world of you two to have you watch their precious boy. Grandparents through deep respect and friendship.

Hey Christina, anger is part of this ride, anger and sadness and isolation can be some of the many issues on the earlier parts of this journey, so keep coming and share all that you can as we relate to it all.

Col, how sweet your words, and I can say the same of you Dear, not as long on this pathway but an extremely helpful member of our family, loving and caring and a voice of great reason.

I echo Colleen Marcia, you are thought of with love and huge hearts. Bethany is a part of daily remembrances.

[lolynbo]

MARCIA CAN NOT SIGN ON...I CANT FIND ERICS EMAIL

[summergirl]

Christina - I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful son David....I welcome you here with tears, saddness and yet I am so happy that you have found us....I read your etire post and was just awed by all that you went through, the hope, the let downs, the love. The decision you had to make is not to be judged, you did what you knew to be the right thing although it was the hardest decision you have ever had to make.....I am Kathy, we lost our daughter Jessica, age 26 to ARVD on Feb 18, 2006 - it will be 5 years this Feb and I never would have believed that I would ever make it to where I am today and all I can say is thank God for this site and each and everyone of the beautiful people here who have saved my life many times. Jessica left behind a 4 year old son named Tavian whom my husband and I have full custody of, he is now 8 and the shinning star in our lives. There are so many emotions that you will feel and the anger is just a small part of it....being here allows you to be who you are, say what you want, talk as much or as little as you want....I look forward to hearing more about your son and I pray for you and your family.

Today started out pretty good, I went to the house early to get a good start on painting the livingroom but decided to finish the window in the bedroom so that it was totally complete...so I am painting away, got my favorite country station on and the next thing I know I am on my knees, sobbing, trying to catch my breath...the tsunami hit me full force. It has been some time since I have had a major meltdown about my Jessica and usually I know when it is about to hit me but this one came without warning....it really took every thing in me to pull myself together and be able to function. So I dried the tears and began my day of painting --- the livingroom is now complete so I am down to Tavian's bedroom and playroom and the painting will be completed... I have some small things to do but they can wait for now. Tonight as we were cleaning up I told Barry I feel like we have found the home I always wanted....a big farm like house that we could redo to what we wanted.....some prayers are answered. I am so looking forward to the move and cannot wait to take pics for all of you to see.

I am missing Tavian but am glad that he is having a good time and also that I can get so much more done without having to worry about him....His room will be complete when he gets home.

Once again I have not replied to anyone and I am sorry.....I am just so weary I feel as though I cannot see straight....I love you all and wish you peace, strength and love....Kathy

[kmb22]

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[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

So many posts so hard to try to respond!!

Lorrie I notified Eric about Marcia I had a problem with my gallery pictures and also told him about Marcia

I am sure he will correct it.

Betsy I miss you Hope you are OK

Karen the Stone for Shawn was so very beautiful. It is obviously chosen with love as are the pictures that you post I understand the feelings that you experienced at Shawn's site The picture is beautiful

Sherry and Trudi thank you both for sharing your beautiful touching Christmas re memories They made me smile Sherry I have one of those Christmas Decorations with Stephen's picture at age 2 it is a treasure

Dee and Amy what wonderful ideas to purchase meaningful gifts for needy children in memory of our angels.

Dee, again I am in awe of your professional courage as you lead your young class on the road to adulthood

Colleen Yes I do go to see the lights each year Many warm memories of days gone by. I am glad you made the decision to take care of you this Thanksgiving. Even though you will miss being with Scott and the boys you made the wise choice

Dan loved the baby pictures and the warm thoughts you had of Nick with his friend

Shelly Glad you posted and I too spent many many months just reading It helps

Chris I recognize the anger It is hard people do seem to move on too fast I am so glad you have found us.

Carol I am sorry about Cathi's back injury I hope it will be Ok I am so pleased that you love your new computer and am jealous about he size of the screen I am still squinting

Brian , Leah Karen Crystal, Sus, Kathy and all Indigos you are in my thoughts

[ericasmom]

Betty, thanks so much. I figure that the more we adults do to introduce children to the ways of outreach, the better our world will be...

The wind is howling here, bringing warm, unseasonably warm temps for tomorrow and cold and colder as the week goes on. And the song that playes on my cd player right nwo is Sarah McLaughlin singing In The Arms of An Angel...I remember back about a month adn a half after Eri died I visited NYC with John who at the time owned two small furniture stores adn we attended the furniture shows in August. So I went that summer, unsure of going adn unsure of being home, so I went. I remember getting lost in Central Park and weeping as I watched the dogs visit this huge fountain with an angel atop. One dog, a bassett was happily running toward the fountain and I lost it. Eri wanted a Basset, she wanted to name a Basset Gertrude if it was a girl or Clarence if it was a boy. She was such a funny little one. Anyhow, after I found my way back to the hotel, I was wrung out adn fell asleep. When I woke, the song I mentioned above, was playing and I hadn't heard it before. I woke sobbing as the words surrounded my broken heart.

The next summer, my old neighbor from the block we had lived on for many years before my getting married, told me that her new dog loves the tree that was planted in the park as a living memorial to ERica, at the end of the block. She said the dog pulls her to that particular tree and sits near it content. I asked what kind of dog, she said, a basset. I nearly swooned. She said she went to a rescue websit for bassets. Said she had never thought about the breed one way or the other, but was somehow skimming through the photos and decided to go pick one out. I said, what did you name her or him, she said, oh its a boy, he was already named...Clarence. Ahhh, signs, love those signs.

Karen the sunlight shining through the clouds and warming you was that Dear Son of yours letting you know that he is just out of your vision and out of your physical reach, but you are not out of his. YOu are forever joined in love and nurture and now he is trying to nurture you. Lovely and sad, but lovely. A piece of gold in the days.

I will try to post a photo of the shaft of light that appeared one day several years ago when I was walking through the forest and I said, ERI where are you? Boom, there she was!

[lostwoher]

Sorry Indigos' but didnt know where else to go at the moment. Just need to say

R.I.P. Kevin Stone 9/3/60 - 11/21/10

Kayla dear is there with open arms

[Chris]

Tsunami, that is a perfect description.

I have a wide spread family in age. My children are Lacy 32, David 27, Aaron 16 & I adopted Lacy's daughter Ariel who is 2 and has been with us since she was 24 hours old. I have 2 grandsons from my son David, they are Deagan who is 6 and in the first grade, and Izik who is 5 & in kindergarten. (they live in Kansas, a state away from me) I also have a grandson from my daughter Lacy that lives with his daddy, his name is Seth & he is in kindergarten. His daddy has become an extension to our family because he's a young single father that needs all the help he can get. We refer to Ariel as our child.

Because everything is still so early on I still have people question me what really happened to my son. Tonight was one of those nights. I didn't realize that my grandson Seth's father Jeremy didn't know what happened to David. I just assumed he knew. He thought David had been found in a parking lot & wondered how he got there. I had to go through the whole story with him on what happened. It was like a raw aching wound when I got down & he looked totally shell shocked. He picked Seth up and hugged him very close. I could tell by his body launguage what he was thinking because I've done that before too. It's the "I don't want to think of what it would be like to lose a child" defense. We brushed those thoughts away because it was our biggest fears we never wanted to think about. Now I'm living it. He left and I walked inside the house and broke down. Just like Kathy's description, a tsunami. I paniced and went to his facebook, saw it empty, saw family going on about having fun this weekend, drinking, living and I broke down again. I started to post something to David but this overwhelming panic feeling was more than I could handle. There are moments when I feel like I'm going to break into billions of pieces like a nuclear bomb from within & I have no control over it. I bookmarked this page yesterday with a fast link & changed the name from indigo to big letters that just read HELP. I quickly clicked HELP and I thank God for all of you because by the time I was done reading everyone's posts tonight my tsunami turned into a tropical storm.

After reading Karen's comment about deleting her facebook I also thought about it. It seems to be causing me more grief than anything lately. I have a sister I haven't been close to for about 2 years because she's a very selfish "me" person. When David was first in the hospital she showed up and told me that David was the one that wanted so despratly for our family to get along & come back together. I felt so blessed they were all there for him during this, they were there for me. Now that it's over & David is gone they are too. I sent my sister a text and ask her if everything was ok. Her response to me was my house was too full of despair. That stunned me. I didn't realize that I was only allowed to mourn my son for a few weeks then move on in her eyes, I was cramping her style. Needless to say I deleted her from my facebook. I'm building some pretty big walls around me right now for protection.

I'm just really glad I found this place. It's good to know I'm not crazy. Well I'm probably crazy but not "that" crazy. lol

[aim630]

Chris-I've found that a lot of people shy away from us now, like they think what we have is "catching". They can't imagine how we can cope at all and it makes them uncomfortable. Well, every minute of my life now is uncomfortable, and I have to find a way to cope because I have other people counting on me. I probably would have been the same before this happened though. I couldn't have imagined being able to live at all if I lost one of my kids, but guess what, I did, and I am still alive. I'm not the least bit suicidal, but I'm not afraid to die anymore. I want to know what is after this and to see Ashley again. True friends and family will support you even though they are uncomfortable. You always have us here, because every one of us understands.

Dee-I love all the signs from your Eri. Wish I had more from Ashley, maybe I am not looking hard enough. After Ashley died, I noticed someone on her "Prayers for Ashley" facebook page that I didn't know.Well, there was a lot I didn't know, but I just happened to click on her profile. She had written that she was trying to heal after the death of her son. I noticed the county she lived in was near us. I contacted her, and found out that she lived in Utah (I'm in Ohio), so I have no idea how she found out about Ashley. Her son's name was Mat, and Ashley had a boyfriend named Matt, but insisted on spelling his name "Mat". She even had something engraved for him with his name misspelled on purpose. Maybe this was some kind of sign. We still talk via email, and I've encouraged her to join this site.

[Chris]

I'm keep having to look up names so bare with me

You're right Amy, I do feel a little too alienated and that could be it that I make them feel too uncomfortable. I even try to cover it up so I don't do that but that made ME worse. It's such a viscous cycle.

I thought it was just me that everyone was avoiding. It's good to know that it happens to others.

My husband is David's stepfather. He has been there for David since he was 9 and has been more of a father than his real dad. But I also see him moving on and wonder if it's just because he had to go back to work. It's like forcing someone back into the living. I think if someone tried to force me back it would backfire horribly right now. They would get a total basket case that would only make them feel uncomfortable. I'm a stay home mom so it's easy for me to hide. I don't know if it's healthy but I don't want to be around people unless it's something to do with my other children like Aaron's football games. I cried through the first game I went to after David's funeral. David loved going to his little brother's games. He would post on his facebook how awesome his lil bro was and tell everyone Aaron was his hero. Aaron is a very good athletic and is very private with his emotions. He doesn't show them. He doesn't talk about David's death. I saw tears in his eyes one day but if I had reacted he would have bolted. I want so desperately to wrap my arms around him and tell him it's ok to cry, it's ok to let his pain out.

If you all see me on here late at night it's because this is the time when David & I use to hang out together. Once kids were in bed and all was quiet here at home David would sit in the recliner with the lap top while I sat at my desk on my computer. We listened to music, laughed at what others where up too, talked about what was going on in the world, talked about the kids. We just hung out together, sometimes not even talking. Now when everyone goes to bed it hits me like a freight train full steam. I think this is the time when I cry the most. I miss him so much I just don't know what to do. I want to hear his voice so bad but I can't find any videos with him on it just yet. I know there are plenty but I don't know where they are. I sleep with his prayer blanket. It use to smell like him but that has worn on so I now spray his cologne on it every once in a while. It's very soft and it's the blanket that was given to me at the hospital that I covered him & I with. I bury my face in this blanket many times a day and cry my heart out. I miss his laugh most of all.

I'm not afraid to die any more either. I'm so ready to go to heaven to be with him but I know that I have children here that need me right now so it's like being on a threshold being pulled in two directions by the heart.

[mikesmum]

Karen & Dee - Seeing the names of our children etched in stone doesn't come close to reflecting the lives we now mourn. When Mike died it was Amanda who was 'next of kin'. After holding his ashes for 6 months she 'scattered' them onto mud flats after a ceremony to 'marry' Mike. Bizzare doesn't come close to explaining the workings of this girls mind.

We were told by friends where the ceremony was performed and went there the next day. I mainly wanted to see the place where Mikes ashes were scattered. They weren't. They were dumped. Like a woman possessed I scooped up every last ash and took them home with me.

I shopped the next day for an 'urn' or similar for my son. My mind kept thinking, I would rather be shopping for socks or a shirt. But in an antique shop in the Dandenongs we found the perfect container. Old English pottery, not flowery, but I guess suitable for a boy....thinking is so odd on this subject.

Nick - What an intuitive young man. Amazing how a little life can tame the wildest of men...

For those new here - I started a Memorial for Mike back in 2007. I was inspired by Carol and her pages for Mike. My Mike didnt have a FaceBook page, his sister Melissa started one for him. Many who knew him from school and life and had lost touch didn't know he had died. This I guess was Melissa's way of 'telling them'.

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=10150134303755578

http://www.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=10554&page_no=1

I am back in the hills today. Drove back slowly catching up with Steven, Melissa and their families. Miss Jeya had drawn over her dad with 'washable texta' and in turn he drew butterfly tattoos for her. Now she's like granma Emily has her graduation 'frock'. It reminds me of the fashions of the '70's. Long flowing floral...She's going to be stunning...

Well, since I spent 8hrs driving home I will say goodnight.....Take Care All.....

[mysonrich]

Good morning Indigo's, I have been reading. To our newbies, I am sorry for the reason that brings you to BI. I have read of the life and death of your dear children . I hate to extend a welcome,who would ever think we would find ourselves here? Somehow we have navigated to this site, for understanding,comfort, a shoulder to cry on, open hearts without judgement, 24/7.

My son Richard died January 18,2009 from cardiac dysrhythmia, sudden heart death. I miss him.

All the pictures are great. sweet baby, rings, new angels...

have a good day Indigo's. sometimes the words just won't come.

[rlolheiser]

hello to all, it is such a mad house here, I havent' been able to move around by myself. My brother is at my side til I go to bed. He doesn't seem well himself so I feel like I have to take care of him too. oh well.. it is the nurturing of my soul I guess.. I am just a caretaker and I can live with that.

Christina.. your words are so moving in sharing your son with us. I am sorry you have to be here, but it is a good place.. I look forward to getting to know you.

Trudi, thanks for listening :-)

I know many have posted, but I just haven't a lot of time.. I am really missing my time here on the computer. My brother is here until Saturday, I guess I need to get up in the middle of the night, but that is when I am going to bed :-)

I just want you all to know I am thinking of you.

[Guest msnher]

"Bad things happen, Grandma, but more good things happen than bad. There are bad people out there, but there are more good people than bad." Quote from Mariah Dawn, age 7 (at the time) after she suffered horrific physical and sexual abuse and torture for over a year at the hands of her dad's girlfriend. She said that to me as we washed dishes together one evening.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos

Really good conversations here about people avoiding us. I also like reading on how other parents have dealt with their childs death. I am a full-time Mom and I have a full-time job as a Quality Auditor for an Aerospace company. It was very hard going back to work, but it forced me to think of something else other than Brian's death.

I went back part time (4 full days a week) for over a year. Then back to full time. If I would not have had my job, I may have never gone out in public as fast as I did. I would have hid in my home.

This Thanksgiving is going to suck - no two ways about it. I still cannot sit with the family and have that empty chair sitting there huge in the corner.

Love to my Indigos

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

GO EAGLES! Betsy, good to see you today. It is dark and warm, oddly warm today, and raining with thunder and lightening. I love the feel of the air coming through the window here in my classroom, I have had more hot flashes than usual in the last two weeks, yesterday I was an oven. I woke 8 times from heat...ahhhh the joys of menopause. Sorry guys, but I am sure it is something you have either dealt with or heard about.

Got to go, busy little ones coming back in a minute from Spanish class.

Love,

dee

I agree with your little one Sus, there is more good than bad, have felt so all my life, though the bad scares me, I do believe that there is more good than bad.

[Guest msnher]

I'm not sure if people are avoiding me or if I'm avoiding them.

[Guest msnher]

Yep. She's something alright! One time she gave such an intelligent, mature demonstration of her heart both her counselor and I thought the other had taught it to her. Nope. She came up with it all on her own. This is what she said/did.

She had drawn a heart and cut out a lot of black and red pieces of paper. She was very serious when she brought them to the coffee table and told me she wanted to show me what God showed her.

She put all the black stuff on the heart she drew. She said "God gave me a vision. This is my heart. It's black because of everything that happened to me. I don't think about it, so sometimes God makes me go back and look at it and talk about it, then He takes the black part out and puts red back for love. The black is gone. I don't want to talk about it but God says I have to so it will go away. He keeps making me talk about it and then he takes the black out and puts the red back. It's almost all the way red now."

She also told me that after the last episode of abuse/torture Tina inflicted on them Jesus came into her room. She said she was laying there crying quietly and Jesus came to her and told her that she was going to be okay and he was going to put them somewhere safe and Tina could never hurt them again. The state removed them the next day and gave them to us three days later.

Pretty cool, huh? I marvel at her. Yesterday I overheard Jasmine tell Mariah "I can see Mommy in your room."