Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Amy-I hear you on the petty things that people complain about and agree I was just like them "before". I find it sad that it took something like losing my child to open my eyes to what's really important. But it sounds like your daughter is still out there doing things that are important to her. We can't quit living and even if we do, it won't bring them back. They wouldn't want us to not be happy. Colleen says that happiness doesn't run down the stairs to meet us anymore, we have to find it. If we've found out anything, its that life IS too short to not accept what happiness it does offer. Peace to you and all Indigos preparing for the holidays without our angels, the first one or the tenth.

Brian-It must be so hard to be so far away from your girl. I hope that you are able to reconnect soon and that all is well with her.

Betsy-Enjoy the potluck and having your family close.

Colleen-I missed the day, but Happy belated birthday to Aaron!

Dee-Thanks for the poem about connections and how they help us. You all help me so much.

Susannah-I'm glad you have the journal to let you know how much Stephanie loved you and needed you. I know she is so proud of you and the great job you are doing with the kids.

I couldn't watch the video, just read the text. What kind of mean are people who would intrude on someone's grief like that? I can't fathom the depths of their thinking and I hope I never do. I can only feel sorry for those who feel so superior to those who have suffered life-shattering losses and I don't believe that God is directing their actions at all.

I heard from my friend Susan yesterday in a letter. Her SIL lost her son in January 1993 to an asthma attack at their home. He was 15. Pam called Susan Sunday, I think his birthday would have been the next day. She told Susan she had been thinking about her with the approaching holidays and wanted to encourage her that she would make it through. She said that like Susan and me, she dreaded the holidays all year that year, expecting the worst. Once they arrived, and she lived through the days, and then the actual anniversary on Jan 9 of the next year, she said it was almost a let-down. Nothing worse happened that day (sorry Susannah, you're the only person I know with a first angelversary crisis, too, but so glad to hear that Little Curtis is doing fine now!) and then all the "firsts" were over and she had lived through them. I'm sure it wasn't painless, and our first holidays won't be painless either, but we will survive, as she did and as all of you have proven already is possible to do. She even used the Christmas decorations from before that he had made or picked out. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that, but Westley will be there anyway. All of our angels are with us always, they are just outside our field of vision, like Dee said. I will cry the cries that Betsy described, but they won't kill me, it'll just feel like they are. We live until we die, and we're not dead yet. I hope I'm not being a downer, this is meant to be a pep talk to myself.

Peace to you all dear friends.

[shorty16]

Indigos

I could not watch the video - Those people take the Christian religion and twist it into what fits them. Almost like the Taliban with the Muslim religion.

Also, Hurray to those Patriots that Shield the families from these terrible demonstrations.

Someone wrote here "What would you do if those people demonstarted at your childs funeral" I do not know. I could not even think that day.

Brian - So cool to have someone on this site that lives in the Middle East. With the death of Brian at 16, my parenting has completely changed. I can now easily distinguish between actions that need redirection and actions that I need to get really upset about. Before, I seems to blur the line.

Scott and I are signing Aaron and Trevor up in Drivers Ed. Huge decision for us, but AJ will be 18 in one year. That gives us one year of temps to ensure he knows what he is doing.

I am thinking of all our Angels

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Rhonda,

This will be our 3rd Christmas without Brian and this is the 1st year I have been able to look at our ornaments.

The first year we did nothing but run away to Florida for a week (Put Brians/My Mom's ashes in the Atlantic.)

The second year, we did take out the tree, but did not decorate it and we ran away to California (Put Brian, My Mom's and a special friends ashes in the Pacific).

The third year, We feel we am ready to take part in the holiday - 3 years it took!!!

Be kind to yourself. If it causes you too much stress to decorate, then don't.

We cannot use the same ornaments we did when Brian was alive. I am dividing those ornaments into 3 piles - one for Michelle, one for Aaron and one for us. I will give these boxes to the kids when they move out on their own. - We are not throwing away the ornaments, just getting new ones.

I have alot of Christmas stuff from my Mom - she died 4 months before Brian did. Those ornaments I can enjoy, my Mom lived her life - Brian just started.

So Indigos - do not be hard on yourself if you for-go Christmas decoration or the entire holiday itself - That is OK!!!! Be kind to yourself -

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[rlolheiser]

Good morning all, I got mom home yesterday and ran into words with the home health nurse. The dr. told them I wasn't giving her medicine correctly that was why she was back in the hospital (she was there last month too).. I came unglued, i work hard keeping her meds straight.. I watch them when the dr. doesn't, i question them when I doubt she should be on them. I swear mom was ok til the night the flu hit her.. I don't know for sure what all of her levels read but, she hadn't any problems. if the dr was so concerned she should have checked her levels before a month later.. she takes her off of meds and leaves her for a month... and then things are my fault. I am waiting for them to try to take her away from me... sorry.. I had to go off.. just frustrated.

Lots of posts.. gone for a day and I can't begin to catch up.. frame of mind is just down. I read about the Phelps.. I hear about them all the time, my brother and sister live in Topeka.. they think the group is crazy.. I have to agree with them.

Karen, I have found friends say many hurtful things.. my friend of 30 years said so many hurtful things to me about my grandaughter.. I haven't talked to her for 2 years.. I can't.. I know we are supposed to forgive.. but I can live without friends like that.

Happy belated birthday Aaron.. I missed it.. Coleen, hugs to you.

Well.. my brain is used up.. I have to run.. I will try to get on tonight... it is a busy day.. mom's nebulizer treatments have gone way up.. there are 8 a day.. not sure how long this will go on, but I do whatever is required.

have a good day my friends.. thinking of you all

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I am very touched by each of your heartfelt shares.

Betsy I understand the pain and do hope you have a tasty dinner with your co workers. I love your pictures The photo of the small plane yesterday was something

Susannah the dream was so powerful and so representative You are being a wonderful gift to your grandchildren and daughter I am sorry about the need to visit the ER Your little ones are so beautiful in their love for others.

Colleen I agree it took me 3 years to even think about decorating and possibly showing up for the Holidays. It is really a process and traveling the road , as an Indigo has made all the difference. That is how I felt when I read Dee's beautiful poem

Leah You are doing wonderful and your mom is very fortunate to have you in her corner. Glad you took on the NURSE!!! God Bless you

Trudi I hope that double walk with MD enriched your spirit

Carol, Sherry, Sonya , Bonnie, and Beth I hope you are all OK have not seen you in a few days

I do agree with each of you about the terrible actions of the Few I appreciate those who stand against them!!

Karen, Rhonda,Crystal, Amy and Brian The Holidays do change drastically and we are here to share the pain and sadness. It is so important to know you are not alone

All Indigo angels are in my thoughts each day

[Guest msnher]

I failed Stephanie so many times. I wasn't always there when she needed me. Not long before she died she told me she had the day off on Wednesday and could we just "hang" together. I just looked at her. "I never get a day off, Stephanie." I was raising her kids. She wasn't allowed at my home, per family services dictates. They drilled into me that if I allowed Steph in the house or even on our property they would take the kids. Perhaps I should have let them put the kids in another foster home and allowed my daughter to live with me, helping her work on getting her kids back. I just don't know. The fact is I failed her. I know it. No excuses. No blaming. I did it. Or didn't do it. Huge regrets. Things I can never take back...do over...change. The very morning she died I had the thought to call her and invite her to go to my meeting with me but I brushed it off because I wanted to go alone. Had she been with me she would not have been with that man...riding his four wheeler. But, if it was "her time" to die, would she have died later? Would she had died as painlessly? And, was it painless? Who really knows? How do we really know how long my daughter laid there, alone, before someone found her?

I can't answer any of those questions. There are still days I can hardly function. I don't have any answers for my own life, let alone the Phelps. It would seem justice would be having all the soldiers or gays whose funerals they demonstrated at meet them when they pass from this earthly plain into the spiritual realm. However, if I pray that for them I believe that will also be my own experience. Aside from being met by my daughter when I "wake up" from this nightmare we call life, I certainly hope grace will prevail and I will be spared from being confronted by all those I have harmed, slighted or offended in this life.....at least not immediately upon entering the spiritual realm. I DO bellieve we all have to give an accounting for our actions.........grace or no grace.

I do know what Stephanie would do. She would take them a cup of coffee and blankets to keep them warm - because it's cold outside. She would definitely say, "God bless you." as she walked away. That's who my daughter was!! She loved. She forgave. Oh God that I be more like her! She was also bisexual. Something we don't talk about a lot because it never mattered to me.

There are two sides of me. The person I was before Stephanie died would want to take a fire hose and spray the Phelps family away from demonstrating at my daughter's funeral. The person I want to be, to honor my daughter, would probably take them a cup of coffee and a blanket because that's what Stephanie would do.

I've said too much. I seem to be on a "talking" spree again...always. It's how I work through the pain...writing. For so much of the last year I've been angry at Stephanie. Now, I just hurt. I thought the stage after anger was acceptance. What I have to accept is the fact I'm not the person/mother I wanted to be. It is easy for me to look at the Phelps and hate what they're doing...what they stand for........but, the person I am most concerned with is the person's reflection I see when I look in the mirror. Why would God take such a forgiving woman who had so much to offer if given the right chance and leave a person like me? Maybe it is because God only takes the best. Maybe the miracle isn't in the lives that are still here but the miracle is actually being able to leave.

I deserve this guilt. I deserve this regret. I deserve this pain....but, why her children? They are innocent. Why are they stuck with me? It just makes no sense.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

HAPPY BELATED 17TH BIRTHDAY,....... AARON.

I have been away. visiting my older son, Chris, so haven't been on BI to post, but did check in to read the posts.

I want to thank each and everyone for your warm and heartfelt messages for my baby Lisa Kaye's angelversary,

on Nov. 15th. It has been so many years, and I don't expect any family members to remember, but the wishes of

all the great people here at BI .......I thank you.

Dee----I just LOVE your poem with the geese gathered around the partially frozen stream. I was easily able to

visualize it, and the words are so true. We here at BI all gather together, share, then go our separate ways, only

to come back again to perhaps help others and gain support and friendship from the ones we have come to

know through BI, who share the same kind of sadness as ourselves. The poem demonstrates the feelings so well.

PEACE & COMFORT TO EACH AND EVERYONE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Brian----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Jr. Pleace come back to BI and tell us about

him, as you feel the time is right. This site is where people who know, firsthand, the sorrow that

you are feeling. Peace and comfort to you, friend.

Susannah------Oh, I do know the the 'guilt' thing. It does hit us from time to time. I try to think of

a line that mostly helps with the guilt..........."there are no perfect kids.....just as there are no

perfect parents". Also,---sorry about your dream of the puppies. Prayers for you.

Leah----Sorry about your dear mom, and the medications problems. Sending prayers that everything improves.

Amy-----Congrats on your dear daughter, Katie, getting accepted to OU journalism school. As you say......

it is not easy to get accepted, and Katy has certainly earned her way in. I wish her the best. My son graduated

from OHIO UNIVERSITY a few years ago, and from his association with the school, I learned about what

a pestigious journalism school (Scripps School of Journalism) they offer. The year my son graduated,

Matt Lauer also graduated from OU, and was the keynote speaker-----the audience loved him. Once in

awhile he gives a plug to the school on the morning show. ( I'm sure you probably already know all this ).

Best of luck to Katie.

Kathy-----So sorry that you could not go to the cemetery and had to drive past without going in. I , too, have had

that experience. I believe that it is because we feel such terrible sorrow that we fear we may have an 'overload'.

I think your sweet Jessica is always with you and understands, and sends her love, as you send yours to her.

Oh,......yep.....that guy that came into your office would get on anyone's nerves, I think.....yakking on & on about

wanting to live forever.....die at the same time as his wife.....blah..blah...blah... We here at BI....all know only

too well, that we don't get to choose who goes first. ....don't we? Peace to you, friend.

Lorri-------Such cute pics of little Kody. Oh,..and I feel as you do about that idiot Bible --thumper woman from the

'church' (if you want to call it that) that pickets at our brave servicemen's funerals. I just wish that the

networks would NOT give these crazies one minute of air time. Too hard to believe that people could stoop so

low, and have such WRONG-HEADED , and stupid thinking. They are being judgemental idiots. (MY 2 cents )

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Funny Sherry, I was browsing through some winter photos last evening on my computer, those I have taken in previous winters. THere was one I love of many geese huddled against the encroaching dark, like us, huddling. I thought of you, thinking that the view I had in the forest may be like th eview you have out your window each day.

THanks, that poem just popped out inspired by all of you here at BI and nature. The nature of loss, the nature of our communion with one another, the nature out our doors that remind us, to every season...I am glad that you were visiting your Boy, hope you had a nice visit.

[mikesmum]

Yep keep them in your peripheral vision, but don't give them more 'air' than they deserve. Thank goodness there are more of 'us' than there is of them. End of my tuppence worth.

MD and I did the circuit walk today. From house to Number 4 beach, along the beach to Number 5 beach. All in all about 3kms. Puff, pant, puff pant and that's just me.

Today the lovely Lauren is visiting us. She was Mikes partner for 10yrs. They remained the closest of friends. She will always be 'aunty' to my grandies, something I am eternally thankful for. I have been very teary of late, I guess its part of the journey, no particular reason, just sad.

Well, best go and dust or something. Have my calligraphy project for Christmas. To Calligraph a quote for Christmas and paint, colour, draw a scene reflecting the words.....NO PRESSURE

Dee - love your words. The heart opens and the words flow.

Betsy - I have a mental picture of you riding a Harley with the Pariot Guard Riders. Take me with you!

Peace Mung Beans & Out - Trudi and MD.

http://www.patriotguard.org/

[Guest msnher]

This has been a long time coming/building. I am totally drained, but it needed to happen. Drained like letting the air out of a balloon that was so full it was ready to burst. So full it flew higher and higher and when the air was let out it went wild, crazy, here and there...on it's way to the ground. Hitting the ground softly and then just laying there....relieved to be on solid ground but exhausted from the trip. 52 years worth of guilt and purpose colliding in mid air. Irrational guilt....deserved guilt. Doesn't matter....it was/is all in my balloon, taking up air...pushing it higher and higher with purpose. Get better. Do better. Be better. Survive. Fix it. Fight. Injustice. Prove my worthiness. Save the underdog. Flip everyone off. Act like I don't care. Act like I know. Thinking I do know. Finding out I don't. 52 yrs worth of self loathing I didn't even know I had. Add everything from the last two years and I'm not surprised. Not in the least.

I love your poem, Dee. I love the way you expose your heart through words.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

Edit

[lolynbo]

HEY DOES ANYONE NO HOW TO EMAIL OR GET WITH ERIC...MARCIA CANT GET ON BI.....THANK YOU

[mysonrich]

hello Indigo's, my internal clock is still way,way off. I can't handle many more 3:30am wake up calls. Tonight I will do my best to make it to 8pm. :blink:Something has got to give.

Trudi, no Harley here.Have always been around them but after 3 fatalities in our family my Mom made us promise to never ride. My brother had a bike once. He sold it. I think the guilt got to him. But, my best bud will take you for a ride...

My best friend; Raffaella, all 4'11 of her,rides a '55 pan -head modified for old age. her quote. She is also battling breast cancer. She started radiation therapy and chemo to follow soon. Raffaella always had yearly mammo's. Sneaky ch** , cancer, but I'm not telling you guys anything you don't already know. Raffaella is adopted. She has very limited family health info.

SO kind folks, if you could keep her in your prayers. She will ride down from the hills of Pa and I hope to see her Thanksgiving Day. We have been friends since 7th grade.

Rhonda, you are not a downer. (((hugs)))

Aaron, Happy,Happy Birthday !

Betty, nice to see Stephen this evening. You have a busy week ahead. Take care of you!

Susannah, my turn. In answer to "why" are we here.I don't know.

Dee, as always,beautifully written:)

Karen,"Now, I struggle to find a way to "be" anything at all. ". I have been told that it gets easier and I know for a fact,it does. Right now, so much of "happy" or "satisfied " is fleeting for me. As I read here, I do know that "happy" is possible again . Happy with a heavy heart. I guess its possible for me.

Sherry, Colleen, Lorri,Brian,Leah,Carol, everyone...to a restful night.

a picture of the area that Raffaella now lives.And Rich. Raffaella and her 90 year old Mom came to Rich's service. She loved him too.

[summergirl]

Just a quick hello to all - too tired to post...did read...love you all so much - you are what keeps me breathing on days like today....

[aim630]

Susannah-boy, do I know about guilt. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with Ashley, I was pretty young when she was born & had to work to support her. Right before she got sick she complained I never just talked with her, I was always nagging her about something she needed to do. I also feel guilty for not spending enough time with her when she was in the hospital. To be honest, I was terrified to be there by myself. Every time the machine beeped, I got scared and had to leave the room. I wish I could change all that now. But as guilty as I feel, I think about my own relationship with my parents. Of course they weren't perfect, no one is & they made mistakes too. But I know they loved me, and I don't love them any less for the mistakes they made. So I think we need to realize our kids loved us the way we were, even if we got on their nerves or hurt their feelings. They got on our nerves sometimes & hurt our feelings, yet we don't love them any less.

Sherry-I'm glad Katie got accepted to OU, I know their journalism school is great and I love the campus, but it's 3 hours away from here. I'm hoping she chooses Baldwin Wallace (near Cleveland), it is only about an hour from here. Then she could come home more often. Of course, it is up to her, and the more I push her, the more she pushes back!

Rhonda-we are at about the same point in this journey. Ashley died about a month after Westley. I know these holidays will be so difficult (as they all will be from now on), but it helps to know that I am not the only one going through this.

Betsy-sending prayers your way for your friend. I'm sure you'll be there with her to support her through this.

Goodnight to everyone.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[btmetz1218]

Its 4:45 am and I too have been up since 3:30am, the first month after my son passed it was every night, 2-3 oclock in the morning I would be up, now its just once in awhile.

Thought I would come on and say (GOOD MORNING) !!!!! to my new indigo friends from the Doha, Qatar. Depending what time zone you are in, in the USA, the time difference

will be 7-8 hours on the east coast and 10-11 hours on the west coast. I know the time has recently changed and it always throws me off.

I have alot on my mind and it seems as though this is the place I can say anything, as I have read through the most recent post I can relate to what everyone shares, its

amazing to know that others think and feel the same that I do. The same princible is used in my 12 step program, however sharing what I share and hear on this site is a

whole different kind of spiritual connection.

My ex-wife (Linda), the mother to our son and daughter is in a great deal of pain too, and I totally understand being the mother and have carried him inside for 9 months and

gave birth, that, that bond is all together of its own spiritual connection like no other. Her and I have, over the past 8 years been able to have adult conversations and not take

stabs at each other and really just accept each other for who we are, and have been able to get along quite well considering our past and the damage that was done on both

our parts. At this point, after our sons passing, all I care about in the relationship between her and I is how we can help each other, but it has taken a turn for the worst and its

breaking my heart that we cant console with each other in a loving caring way. I dont know, maybe I should let her process and take it out on me from time to time and just have

some trust and faith that hopefully one day we will both be in better spirits and can continue to focus on our daughter and her needs. I just cant stand having the past thrown in

my face, espeically now, its hard enough as it is, and I dont want to feed into it because I know the outcome of that. So I will pray and hope for the best.......

IT JUST HURTS MORE ON TOP OF HURT ALREADY.

God Bless Everyone and Thanks, Brian

[ericasmom]

Brian, I will say good morning as I fold myself into bed for the night. Hoping anyway, for a good night of sleep. Husband has the cold now that I have had since Halloween week, so I know his coughing is going to be loud.

I think that if you can keep from feeding into the throwing up of the past that you are really going to still end up as friends. If you are unable to listen to the negative however, which who needs more of anyway, it is alright to say that you need to go and will talk with her at another time when you can talk about the current pain rather than that of the past. You will need to protect yourself too. Good luck staying out of that kind of fray, I am sure that your Brian is rooting for you there, to skirt around the fighting if possible and steer to calmer waters.

Grief is the most immune zapping, exhausting experience, so if you are not already doing it, start a daily vitamin that can help boost your system.

Amy, such wise words about guilt, we all need that reminder sometimes, that our kids love us with all of our quirks just as we have loved them with all of thiers. As far as guilt? Heck, we get loaded down with it as parents, and many of us get loaded down with it as children first, so that now, in the face of loss, we feel our shortcomings even more. We need to try to step away from what we did wrong and write down what we did right. I will bet that the list of 'right' will be filled with all the materials that make up your best memories. Make your mind go there when you are feeling guilty, go to the good stuff and make yourself see what it is you gave your Child/Children that helped them to become so loving adn loved.

Sleep tight all,

dee

[mikesmum]

Brian - I'm on Eastern Summer time in Australia so about now its 6.19pm Friday. So when most BI's are heading to bed, I'm working into the afternoon.

Its hard when you are no longer with the parent of your child. We all grieve differently, being divorced really doesn't make it any easier.

Had a lovely afternoon with Lauren. Went to the beach, the inlet and then to lunch at the local pub. She is still grieving for Mike. We talked about so much. Her life is changing. She says she will never marry. Her relationship now is with someone who already has a family and she doesn't want one of her own.

Talking about Micheal, my Micheal, the young man she fell in love with as a 19yr old was like sunshine on my face. No cringing when his name is spoken, she wants to hear his name as much as I do.

She sent Harmony a card for her birthday. Sadly it was returned with a message of **** OFF written across the back of the envelope... Lauren had been Amandas 'friend'. When she began dating Micheal it was Lauren that encouraged them to become a couple....If only we knew then what we know now.

Pics for you all. Today was walking and pics as well.

Tides out in the inlet

MD in the trees

MD found a crab...so proud

Tidal waterway when the inlet is a low tide.

[mikesmomrs]

To all: I have been gone for a bit while our computer guy transferred all my "stuff" from our old computer to the new one. He does a great job, and I am sure everything will be all right, but of course, worry that "something" has gone missing and I won't know it til it's too late! Oh well, must trust, must have faith, must continue. Aside from all of that, I do love this new computer. We got a 23" monitor, and it is just awesome...no more squinting!

I've read all of the posts that have been put on the board since my last one, and wow, there is just no way to "catch up." So many thoughts, (Dee, wonderful poem, as usual!), so many things going on with everyone...so glad we can all come here and talk about it, and most especially ,when necessary, to talk about the underlying pain that accompanies all that we do, without having to worry about "the look" or the walking away, or quick change of subject---whatever. We here know the current that runs beneath the surface of our eyes...always there, always. Good times do come again, laughter actually comes again, but the deep scars on our heart take their toll...especially around this time of year. Those who have recently joined BI, you are facing your first holidays without your precious child...such a touch time, so many memories, so much heartbreak...please know that you can come here and tell us about it, let us help you through it...we too will have those moments when our heartbeat disappears, our breath takes a mini-vacation, and our brain will come to a dead stop...but having lived with this a little longer, we do know that each hour, each day, will move us forward, whether we want it to or not, and one day, one day again the sweeter memories will come more often, the ones that bring a smile to our lips, and eventually, that smile will spread to our hearts and we will feel it, really feel it...deeper, more profoundly, more often. Yes, the pain will never go away, but as others have said, it will soften, it will.

Most of you here, who have been here a while, know of my former "trials" with my boss, when Mike became ill and I needed to be with him, eventually being his primary caregiver, and her determination to put a roadblock up every time I needed to be there for him, or for his wife and kids, accompanying them to the doctors, taking care of him, etc. You also may remember that eventually I learned that my boss's mother was diagnosed with brain cancer,(this occurred after I retired) and eventually died from it. At that time, I had a very, very difficult time with my heart...ugly thoughts were forming in my brain, and my heart was rebelling...I could not go down that road...I had to pray to not allow myself to go there..the struggle was huge, and though there were times when I just didn't know how I was going to do it, I did manage to not whisper those evil thoughts of "justice," etc., in the quiet of my heart. I did get through it. I brought this problem to you all, and you helped, as usual, with your words of encouragement and support. I was able to offer prayers for her mom, and for her, to be able to manage it all. I could not offer any words to her directly, because she would have been very upset to know that anyone in the office had talked with anyone else about her problems. Well, now, I have come to learn that she herself has become very, very ill. She is very close to liver failure, is on a list for transplant, and has now developed some other problems, and they are thinking it may very well be cancer in her uterus...she had surgery today for a more determinative diagnosis. She is going to have to retire from her job next month, two years earlier than planned, because of all of this. She has been very ill over this past year, hardly ever making a complete work week without having to take a day or days off for her problems. The most difficult part of all of this, for me, is that she is alone. I mean completely alone. She has no friends in this area, has no relationship with any of her neighbors, even though she has lived in the same house for amost 15 years now, and very few friends, if any, anywhere else. She does have family...a few sisters and a couple of brothers, but two live out west and the others are on the east coast, but not near. She has decided that she cannot go home, but will stay in this area for the next couple of years (depending on if she does indeed survive that long), until her medical issues are "settled" and she can search for new doctors/specialists in her home town area to rely on. She is planning on this process taking a couple of years---though it is unlikely she will last that long. My heart is breaking over this. I know that she is alone in this. She will not accept help from anyone. It has been offered, and as usual, she has declined. She takes a taxi back and forth to the doctor/hospital when she can't drive---will not accept rides from anyone. She is completely, totally alone. I talked with my former coworker about this today. I was very upset and telling her how bad I felt about it all and the fact that she is so alone in this, and there really wasn't anything anyone could or would be allowed to do to help her. My friend said, "yes, it is a shame." "But," she said, "we all make our choices and she has made hers, all along, and even now." And all of that is true...but, still, my heart aches for her situation. No one should have to go through such turmoil and pain and end up dying alone. I know that the only thing I can do for her is to pray for her. Perhaps, after she has retired and left the office, I can send her a card. I hope she lasts that long.

Anyway, I really didn't have any intention of writing about that tonight...just wanted to "check back in" and let everyone know I was thinking of you all. I am glad, though, that I was able to "talk" about this, and share my feelings. It does help to do that, as we all know.

It is late, and I am finally tired...will sign off and wish everyone a good morning as they go about their day, and a good weekend ahead for all of you. Tomorrow i will at least try to "catch up" with all of your posts and thoughts and offerings.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Hey Carol,

I am glad to see you back, good to know that you have a super-sized computer now and that you no longer have to squint. The words keep getting littler: my momma used to say.

Trud,

so glad that yo uspent time with Lauren, that she is still the peaceful force in your life, you and she will always be connected through Micheal Shane. I laughed my butt off at Muttley in the tree. It makes me smile through and through. Love to you my beach-loving friend.

Amy, I hope that wherever your Girl goes to college she feels proud of her hard work and talent. I know that you would like her close by though the journalism school sounds fabulously rewarding.

[Guest msnher]

Lorri - I don't have Eric's email address anymore, but if you have Marcia's you can send a PM to Eric via the help section of the forums and I'm sure he'll help her. I felt so lost when I couldn't get to you guys when we changed web sites the last time.

Carol - I love the new avatar of Michael. You have such a soft, kind heart. Of course it hurts you to watch someone be alone....nurturer that you are. When and if the time is right for your old boss to be approached you will know. I have a feeling...just a feeling...that what others see as the hand of friendship and compassion being extended to her she sees as pity. Again, just a feeling, but I think she would rather die alone than allow anyone to pity her. People who don't have friends and don't know how to be a friend don't trust people who would want to be their friend.

Trudi - I love the pictures you post of your homeland and Muttley! So glad you and Lauren had a nice time together.

Yesterday, in the midst of my grief attack, I emailed my two sisters, telling them of my pain. (rolling my eyes as I write this) Anyway, the response was interesting. Both with love, but completely different.

My sister, Chris, who has never lost a child wrote back telling me to "snap out of it! Take a shower and get out of your house now!" My sister, Arlene, who has lost two children and a husband wrote back and said, "This is normal, Annie. I go through this at least once a day to some degree. I'm so sorry...so, so sorry you are going through this. I love you!" It's been 19 years since her son died - 37 since her other son and husband died.

I'm grateful and sorry at the same time that she and all of you get it. I'm grateful and sorry at the same time that I don't have to walk this path alone.

Love to you all.

Susannah (aka Annie) Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Little chuckle at myself...

When I hurt I am like a drunk with a phone, except mine is my keyboard...I put it out there for the whole world to see.

Thank God for a new day!

[ericasmom]

Sus, two sisters here too, and each very different responses for the most part, but your two have had very different paths form one another, so it makes sense really, sounds like both love you and have your best interest in mind and heart, but one, blessfully does not know what it is to grieve.

Carol, I think that your offer to help the woman who so completely shielded herself from your ache, is a great gesture, it may be just the right thing for you both. I do however think, that her shield is a life long armor, worn to keep her from feeling anything too clearly. She must have been deeply pained somewhere in her life to keep everyone at bay, or perhaps even born to this personality that prevents her from close contact. Either way, the gesture coming from you would feel quite lovely I would think, and if nothing else, she will know that she is being thought of. And you my Dear Friend, will know that you have done what you do, reach out to those in pain. You are a great nurturing spirit and we all are benefactors of your great heart.

[westleysmom]

Trudi-I too laughed my butt off at the picture of Muttley in the trees. Well I tried anyway. Its still there but at least I got a laugh out loud moment.

Carol-It sounds like your former boss needs a friend for sure, but she may never be accepting of your offer of friendship and support. I hope she does because I'm so glad you're mine. Good luck with reaching out to her. (That sounds catty, but I mean it in the best possible way!)

Susannah-People who don't know, don't know. I'm glad they don't know and I know you are too, but it still stings when they try to get you to "get over it". I struggle all the time with the guilt of what I did and didn't do. I think about the things he'll never get to experience and it is like a knifeblade in my heart. Did I tell you all that one of his friends left him a knife in the vase at the cemetery sometime last week? He was fascinated with knives from the time he was little. He has a big collection of them in his room. I looked at them one time since, but that is all I've been able to manage. Anyway, when I was adjusting the flowers in the vase, I saw something and it was a lock-blade hunting knife. He had a lot of those, some of them cheap, some expensive that he bought over the years. It made me cry that they remembered that and had bought it for him, it looked new. I stuck it back in there. And cried my pain and guilt out for a little while. But it always comes back, doesn't it? Peace to you dear Susannah and hopes that one of these old days when you cry it out, it stays gone for good.

Brian-I don't have an ex, but my friend whose son died on New Year's Day this year does, and its been very difficult. I hope that you are able to get to a place with her where you can offer each other comfort without the accusations of who did what wrong being flung like weapons. You have had enough injury and it is so fresh. I hear it gets softer with time, and I'm hoping for me and for you that it does.

Kathy-You sound tired. Don't forget to take a few minutes for yourself when you can.

We were talking last night and I told my husband all I wanted for Christmas was for it to be over. What I really want for Christmas, I'll never have again. I am trying to be thankful for my blessings this week of Thanksgiving. I feel ashamed when I think of all that I have, and I don't mean things. I have a loving husband, daughter, mother, granddaughter, brother and sisters, you guys here at BI. Family, Friends, and Freedom. And still something is missing that makes me feel so ungrateful for my life right now. My boy, my almost-man,my heart is gone. I guess what is missing most is Faith. It is so hard to have Faith when your heart is shattered and broken into a million glittering pieces on the floor. Even if I can get them all up and put together again, a big hunk is missing, and what I will have when I get done is not going to look anything like it did before. I guess that's what we all do, put our hearts back together to see what we can make out of what is left. This board is some of the glue that we use to do that. You all help me so much and I'm thankful this year for you.

Betsy, Betty, Colleen, Marcia, Amy, Dee, Karen, Crystal, Sherry, Sonya, everybody have a good day

[shorty16]

Morning my indigo friends,

This has been one long week.

Going through the Christmas ornaments is a tough task. Many new ones from my Mom that I love to see, but in-between those are Brian's childhood ornaments that tear my heart apart.

Slowly, but slowly is how we are going to do this. So final - so sad.

On a happy note, Aaron and 4 of his friends (and us) are celebrating AJ's birthday at Country Inn Suites and water park this Saturday - We did the same thing for Michelle's golden birthday. Brian went painballing for his Golden Birthday (12 on July 12th). Lots of fun. We will keep an eye on those five, 17 year old boys to ensure they behave.

Should be fun

Love to all my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

I was thinking of you and wanted to let you know....

[lolynbo]

WELL WANTED TO SHARE PIC OF THE BABY...HES ONLY 6'1" 240 AND ONE OF THE APPLES OF MY EYES.. AND HIS CLASS RING..ONE SIDE HAS STOCK CARS AND HIS RACING #, OTHER SIDE IS GUITAR...TOP IS PAVE' SIMULATED DIAMONDS..(REAL ONES WOULD HAVE BEEN $600)...THE WHOLE RING WAS ONLY $308..

[kmb22]

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[mikesmum]

The only thought which seemed to come was to not allow man people in my life; I thought it would help keep me safe but, honestly it just left me feeling more "on my own" with it all...

I did this after number two divorce. Number one left me with 3 kids under 4, broke and so disillusioned. Number two was someone who knew the damage and entered my life slowly. He knew my priority was my kids and for 7 years we were the happiest family. Then the flood. He had a blockage at the base of the brain causing Adult hydracephalus. It changed him forever, even after surgery for a shunt. He left me with my rebellious teenagers in a house in the country. I commuted 3hrs to my work each day. I only 'functioned' at work and when needed by the kids.

Number 3, well we meet at work. Him an ambo, me an Emerg dispatcher for Ambulance. It was friends first, then as we got to know each other we were a couple. We married 6 weeks before Mike died...I changed forever, he still looks for the me he married..

Something in the cosmos is trying to tell me something.......I thrive here, alone. Sorry with MD...not really alone.

On the subjects of ex's and those who have 'made their beds'. My firsts dad died 6 months after Mike. His dad living in my state, he on the other hand lived in Tasmania. The first call was from my SIL.

I did this after number two divorce. Number one left me with 3 kids under 4, broke and so disillusioned. Number two was someone who knew the damage and entered my life slowly. He knew my priority was my kids and for 7 years we were the happiest family. Then the flood. He had a blockage at the base of the brain causing Adult hydracephalus. It changed him forever, even after surgery for a shunt. He left me with my rebellious teenagers in a house in the country. I commuted 3hrs to my work each day. I only 'functioned' at work and when needed by the kids.

Number 3, well we meet at work. Him an ambo, me an Emerg dispatcher for Ambulance. It was friends first, then as we got to know each other we were a couple. We married 6 weeks before Mike died...I changed forever, he still looks for the me he married..

On the subjects of ex's and those who have 'made their beds'. My firsts dad died 6 months after Mike. His dad living in my state, he on the other hand lived in Tasmania. The first call was from my SIL. We had kept in touch. The next from him. He was distressed, would be flying in that night. Wanted to catch up, hard time etc etc..... I told him Melissa and I would see him at the service. Would be with his mum, thought he should be there too early. He was devestated (his words) at losing his dad. He never phoned or visited his parents for more than 1 day every year as he passed through on his way to his 'annual holiday'. It was hard. The service as held where we had Mikes. The refreshments in the same room. I took Melissa home and went to my SIL where my ex's mum was now living. She was frail, parkinsons taking its toll. The light in her eyes when her baby boy arrived was amazing. He stayed for 1hr then took off into the city for the night before flying home......

Two weeks later I ran into my SIL. She was furious. Her brother (yes my ex) had been on the phone, to ask about his mum no, to ask what they got for the family home, yes. To ask when the monies would be release - oh yeah. He was told it was held for his mum. He rang and asked how I was before asking how we had dealt with the money from my mums estate......He was shattered when I told him 'she had to die' before the money was release..... his reponse...."ooooooooohhhhhhhh"

Did I mention that this 'now retired at 45' never paid more than $20 child support in the entire life of my kids.....

Well that was therapeutic....irrelevant at times, but I feel better.......

Carol - Great to see Mikes beaming family again.....Maybe a card to the lady now when she is at her most vunerable might just be something she never expected. Your heart forgives much, your mind might not forget, but you have a capacity to embrace.

Lorri - Love the class ring. Is this something all schools have or is it individualised for the student. Either way, its amazing..

MD and I are off for our walk then to the Farmers Market.....eat healthy is a new me thing.......

Take care Indigos....

[lolynbo]

Lorri - Love the class ring. Is this something all schools have or is it individualised for the student. Either way, its amazing..

WELL IN MY DAY WE GOT CLASS RINGS..SO MY GIRLS GOT THEM (KOURTNEYS IS ON MY FINGER NOW)...KIMBERLY CANT FIND HERS...AND SO I GOT KODY ONE....BUT YES THEY USUALLY ORDER FROM SCHOOL. BUT WITH KODY RACING AND PLAYING GUITARS I COULDNT FIND THE ONE WE LIKED TIL I FOUND ANOTHER WEBSITE THAT DID THEM AS WELL...SO HES HAPPY AND IM HAPPY...I AM ALSO WEARING MINE AS WE SPEAK...JUST SOMETHING TO CHERISH AND PASS DOWN TOOUR KIDS OR OUR KIDS PASS TO THEIRS....(CEPT FOR KOURTNEYS)....AND IM SURE KIMBERLY HAS HERS SOMEWHERE..

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[daveydow1]

Trudi------Sorry to hear that you have been down lately. I guess it's true, that it never gets much easier. Your Christmas

calligraphy project will be so nice when your are done. I love calligraphy.

Betsy-----Saying prayers for your friend, Raffaella.

Carol----So glad that you got your computer up & running again, and with a nice big monitor. I agree with what others have said,

that your old boss has built a wall around herself as some possible protection against 'the world', and being hurt. You are

kind to send her a card and letting her know that she is being in your prayers. She may end up rebuffing everyone up to the end,

but at least you have made a sincere communication to let her know you are thinking about her. Maybe her family will become

more involved in supporting her in her serious illness.....if she lets them know. Sounds like a sad situation.

Amy-----Best of luck to Katie, wherever she decides to go to college.

Karen-----Yes.....that old "guilt" can come creeping in on us at any time, it seems. Dee's suggestion of thinking of all the

Good things, instead of the Bad could bring things into a better balance. I guess we sometimes just feel such sorrow, that

we do tend to concentrate on our shortcomings. I often feel that way. My son, Dave, worked all his adult life, but never seemed

to get a break, and when he died.....we had to buy him a suit for the wake......he never owned one. He never owned a home,

never flew in a plane, didn't have the chance to get married and have a family like he wanted. All the things he never got to

accomplish, I feel guilty about. I know that everyone here has expressed the same feelings, and the help and support from

all my BI friends is a lifeline. Your Shawn must have been a wonderful son, and so I believe that you have more things on

the Good column. We all must have done something right to have such great kids.

Dee----I do have a lovely view out my kitchen window. The birds are coming to the feeders like mad now, and we took out

the screens so that we can get a better view. We brought in the seedheads from the giant sunflowers to put on the stump,

and lots of different birds visit daily. All the leaves are off the trees, and the back field is worked down for next year's planting,

so there is a good clear view. Haven't seen any deer, but do hear the coyotes yipping & calling from time to time, and some

geese gather once in awhile. That's why I expecially like your poem with the geese.....sharing, going on their own ways...

then coming back to share again......just like we here at BI. Thanks.

Lorri-----Great class ring you got for Kody. I bet he really likes it. Speaking of class rings......I sold my for $40. No sentamental value

to me. Guess that sounds bad, but .....oh well.....that's what I did.

PEACE & PRAYERS, INDIGOES.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Indigos

Carol - You have such a huge heart to care for your ex-boss that gave you a hard time when you wanted to take off and care for your Mike. I am feel lucky to know you.

Karen - When I read your posts, you sound alot like I felt in those early days/months. You are so new and the physical pain made me physically ill for at least a year. I want you to know that this physical pain does subside, I am living proof of that - I never thought it would or even could subside. Hang in there, girl.

Trudi - You have been through so much and yet you are a cheerful person. I know the cheer is a rouge sometimes, but it seems your life now allows you to unwind at the ocean beach.

Rhonda (Wesley) and Amy (Ashley) - A year is still such a short time and the second year brings different challenges. I am thinking of you two. As for the holidays, they did not exist for me for two years. I had to get out of my home for 2 consecutive holidays. Now, I am not as anxeous about the pending holiday. I think of you two often.

Sus - Words come easy to you and I feel like I know you very well. The love you give those 3 kids will follow them forever. Good work.

Sherry, How is you older son Chris doing? You posted that you visted him recently? A joyful visit, I am sure.

I will post more later

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

Sherry - I love the image you described out your kitchen window. You have no leaves on your trees because they've all blown into my back yard! LOL We've had some fierce, cold winds this week. There are some stubborn leaves still on our trees, but most of them are scattered throughout the back yard. It's been too cold and wet to rake.

Colleen - I feel the same about you, my friend! Still missing Brian's face, though??? I hope you all have fun celebrating Aaron's birthday! How's Trevor doing?

Trudi - I'm glad you have us, too! I think all high schools in the U.S. offer class rings, for a huge price, of course. I never bought one...neither did my kids. It's kind of a right of passage from school to the adult world...where they think (as I also thought) freedom waited.....nobody telling me what to do....not having to answer to anyone ever again. Ha!

Rhonda - Wow, did finding the knife in Westley's flowers take your breath away...in a sweet/sad way? That is so precious!

Karen - I know (don't I know!) the guilt you feel for working so hard, but I tip my hat to you for...well...working so hard! Your motives and intentions were pure. For me anger helped keep people away from me. Also, the way I was raised anger was an acceptable emotion. He who yelled the loudest or fought the hardest or was the meanest won. Just don't ever let 'em see you scared. Show no fear. That kind of thinking. In reality, I was terrified most of the time. Anger was a survival tool which no longer worked but it was all I knew.

Crystal - Hi back....

Today was a much better day! I bought all the fixings for Thanksgiving dinner and took the girl's to their counseling appt. Their counselor doesn't think they need counseling anymore. She kept saying how good it was to see them so happy...so normal. The kids are now at Celebrate Recovery with Uncle Curtis (my son) visiting their dad. Gary and I are both in bed with our laptops and getting ready to watch Jeopardy.

Last year was our first Christmas without Stephanie. It was important to me to have every ornament of hers front and center. We bought a picture frame ornament shaped like a heart with angel wings. We put the last, best picture of her in it and took all family pictures in front of it so it could be seen in our photos. I will buy an ornament in honor of her each year from now on. That will be the only one with her picture in it.

It was also our first Christmas with her children since they were taken by their father and his girlfriend and hidden from us (for over a year). They weren't allowed to have presents the Christmas they were with them but were forced to watch the girlfriend's children open their presents. So...it was important that we give them the best Christmas possible. This year I hope to create happy memories for both Thanksgiving and Christmas for them. I hope, in time, the year they were gone from us and suffered horrific abuse and the year their mother died will be just be a shadow in the happy childhood we hope to offer them.

Peace to each of you...........I know I missed some, but you all mean so much to me!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - I am reading but still cannot post....love and peace to all...Kathy

[Guest msnher]

(((((Kathy)))))

[lolynbo]

FOR U HOBBY LOBBY LOVERS...I JUST BOUGHT THESE ON SALE FOR $14 SO I GOT THE LAST 2...GONNA HANG EM BY KOURTNEYS OIL PAINTING MONTY DID. SO U MAY WANT TO GO GET SOME......

[ericasmom]

Love those wings Lor, love the ring as well. Such a cute young man. Eri liked my class ring, it was a blue starburst, 1974 engraved on the sides, silver. She wore mine, and i do believe lost it. You never know, it may turn up.

Going to bed and hopefully sleeping in till 8or so.

Love to all,

dee

[mikesmum]

Trudi - I have to thank you for giving me a bit of a giggle at your first line. I know it was a typo but, maybe I misunderstood my thought. Maybe the answer really was to not allow "man" people in my life. (Sorry to the good guys I know are out there somewhere). Thank you for sharing your story.

Karen, glad you got a giggle. I was cutting and pasting from your post. I'm on a laptop and brush the mousepad causing all kinds of problems......

Lorri - Love the wings....next to the portrait such a wonderful vision of your angel.

Back from visiting the rolling hills behind me. I was born there. A little town called Boolarra. Pronounced BOO-LAR-RA. The town was ringed by fire last year. Only a few place remain, but it was such a nice day for a drive...

Colleen - You know I never thought I'd had it tough until I type it out. Wow. Like when people say it must have been busy with 3 kids under 4. Never thought about it till someone pointed it out. Whew.....boy am I tired.

Snooze well Indigo's.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Thank you Trudi,and Lorrie , Betsy and Carol for all the wonderful pictures that you each have posted these past few days Seeing Mutleys sweet loving face and eyes , Betsy's autumn splendor and Kody looking so cute as a little boy helps to lift my spirits

Trudi Looking forward to seeing your Christmas calligraphy project

Every day I visit our Gallery and look at each album and think of each angel and the beauty of each life.

Crystal I too think of all of us often in the day

Dee your poems and Sherry your descriptions of your wonderful animal life and flowers always make me smile

Karen, Sus., Rhonda I hear your "If Only' and have lived there very often. Stephen's dad passed away when he was 16 and I know I tried too hard to make life perfect for him and should have enforced more rules

" IF Only" I know I did the best I could and coming here reading and being connected helped

to let go of beating myself up

Carol your warmth and compassion are so admirable. The perfect example of how we should all respond

Colleen I know it is hard I too have been trying to get into he Holiday Sprit is and need to take it very slow.

Brian, Sonya, Bonnie Miss hering from you today

Kathy I understand many times I just cannot post

Sleep well Indigos

[btmetz1218]

Good Morning To All, well its morning here....

I thought I was really writing some good stuff last post, or at least the way I was trying to make it appear in this format. As I posted it, all my lettering came out about as screwed up as I think and feel at times...ha ha!!! It goes to show either how I am really thinking or feeling, or just how little I do know about these computers which, dont get me wrong, I am really grateful for but I do get frustrated because of my own lack of knowledge. Im getting better.

I read all of your post and once again so many things hit home and I get the message, the MESSAGE through all of you is HOPE, hope falls under that umbrella of LOVE that really is the only truely spiritual thing that one person, or persons can give to each other.

Indigos,, you all are that hope they we all need for one another and that I am so grateful to have been guided to this site to be apart of something greater than myself, because left to myself, well I am sure some, if not all of you know that when we sit alone with or thoughts and feelings it can take us to the most emotional draining depths and despair that one can only take so much of. Thats when we come here to share, THANKS GOD.

I had a conversation with my wife this morning, it was real intense emotionally. First, let me brief you all on Sarahs status with child. You all know she is not the mother of Brian Jr. and Alexis, however when Sarah was very young, around 16-17 she got pregnent through rape. And like myself at that age she was involved in drugs, which caused the misfortune of child abuse from the guy she lived with, and Kristian her 2 year old baby at that time. The abuse was so severe it caused permanent brain damage and other physical problems. The child was given up for adoption and Sarah continued to mask and hide her deep pain with drugs. Years had past and Sarahs mom had always kept tabs on Kristian. Kristian is the same age as my son today 28, and since Sarah has turned her life around years ago, Kristian has been apart of it. Kristian knows her mother, and loves her greatly. The extent of brain damage and physical challenges are apparent and Kristian will always need speical aid for the rest of her life. With that, I would like to add that Sarah and I are working extra hard to ensure that Kristian one day will be able to spend her life with her mother and I.

The conversation this morning was a touchy one as usual, its been a struggle for Sarah as well with the loss of my son, and having to deal with those deep rooted guilt, shame and regret feelings with her own daughter. So the tears began to whale up, her and I both, as to who is hurting the most,,, that just sucks............

I explained to her in a loving caring way that it dont matter what condition her daughter has been left in, that at least they can talk to each other and see each other

when ever they want. And I wont ever in this physical life get to do that with my son. Not that her pain is not valid, or that my pain is greater. Its a bond barrier that has been broken and there is nothing that can fix that. The bond between a mother and child is even different then a father and child, but to have a child still living, the bond physicallay, spiritually and emotionally is not broken. It seems to be a contest at times as to whos in the most pain, or maybe Im trying to munipulate and get her to say or do what I want and Im not even realizing it. Hmmmmm !!!!!! This is some tuff stuff to process at times.....HELP ME GOD !!!!!!!!

[mikesmum]

Brian - Its hard, I remember my first year of 'hurting'. Mikes partner at the time he died was one could say less than a loving partner. They had a daughter who was one. Mike had returned to their home 6 days before he died. They had a falling out (understatement) but he was determined to 'make it work'. When I went to see him at his home after he died she meet me and her first words were, 'I don't have the money for a funeral'. No tears, no emotion. I certainly indulged in the 'I hurt more than her'.

I now have an understanding (?) of we all do it differently. Can't say I embrace her, for a start she would have an intervention order placed on me if I came within 3 feet of her, but I have to admit she suffered a loss that day, not just me.

Sherry - Sorry if it seems I'm down. I have definitely had more 'up' days here than I did in the past years. But as we all know, a memory, a thought or just being can bring tears. Thanks for your kind thoughts. Trying for the smiles today....succeeding.

The project is coming along??? I think I have the writing down, now they want me to be Leonardo Da Vinci....not without numbers.... ..

MD is snoozing on my PJ's...so cute. Must have tired him out....hope so the barking at 4, 5, 6am is really trying me....

[nicksdad]

Young boy passed away this morning:

http://www.fredericksburg.com/News/FLS/2010/112010/11172010/588480

Makes you wonder sometimes what is going on in this world.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Powerful conversations last night Brian and Trudi

I have been at the point of comparing my life and terrible emotional pain with that of my family and always come away feeling very much like I have had a much more difficult painful life than any one else. I decided that although it may be true I could not keep comparing or I would just stop all positive interactions with them. They had their lives (seemed very smooth and easy to me) and I had mine (seemed very hard and difficult to me) and no matter what I said or did that would not change. t time I turned that anger on God for the hard road I was handed That did not work and I crashed hard.

Then I was lead here and found that I could come here for the understanding , compassion warmth and connection I cannot find out in the world. I will never be able to connect with family or the man I share my life with in the light fluffy world they inhabit but I can connect in a small way and let it be.

Do not know if that made sense but it felt good to clarify my thoughts

Going to the opera today so I must run

Have a Blessed Day Indigos

"

[westleysmom]

Lorri-Loved the ring and the picture of your handsome Kody. Westley didn't want a class ring, he also didn't want to finish High school at all, but he made it through.

Susannah-Yes it did make me breathless to see that they remembered what he loved. It makes me cry now even thinking about it. How are you doing on quitting smoking? I've thought about trying to quit, but I haven't been able to make it stick yet. I don't know that I will be brave enough to even open my boxes of old Christmas decorations, I'm still considering just buying some new ones to use for now. I guess I'm a big chicken.

Sherry-I start a list sometimes in my head of all the things Westley never got to do too. He never owned a new car or a home. He never had a girlfriend that I knew of. He never married (need a girlfriend for that one). He never had a child (need a girfriend for that one too). It hurts me that he never experienced those things. On the other hand, I try to remind myself that he never had a mortgage or a divorce or a custody battle. He never had to bury me or his father. The biggest loss he ever suffered before he died was his Granddaddy, my daddy. I have a picture of him and Westley and my husband the Father's Day that came the year my daddy died. They're on the couch at Mama's house and I remember thinking when I looked at the picture that it was the three men I love most in the world. Now two of them are gone and sometimes I think I'll die from it. I know I won't, but it feels that way.

Brian-Sometimes it is so hard to remember that other people have their own crosses to bear when our's is so heavy. I hope that you and your wife are able to talk more about your grief, maybe that will help you to understand each other's pain. I'm glad you found us, and so sorry that you had to.

Colleen-I hope all goes well with your first Christmas at home in a few years. Thanks for thinking of us new at this, but I know it is still hard for you all too.

Trudi-I hope we'll be able to see your project when it is done. I'm sure it will be beautiful.

Betty-Enjoy the opera!

Kathy-HUGS

Nick-So sad. It does make you think the world's gone mad.

My daughter took off yesterday to finish(?) her Christmas shopping. I'm going today to try to start. I haven't made a list or anything, I'm just flying by the seat of my pants, but at least I'm trying. I have a few little fellas to buy for, that's always a little more fun than buying for old folks who have pretty much what they want and need already. I may not get far, but I'll do the best I can. I miss not being able to buy for Westley and have thought about getting some stuff for his friends that don't have much. Westley never asked for much, he was a low-key kind of kid that way. He didn't ask for designer tennis shoes or jeans. He was a good boy and I miss him so much. I keep thinking that I won't get to put things out under the tree for him. I know he thought I was crazy to still do his Christmas that way, but it made me feel like I wasn't so old to wait until he was asleep to put his presents under the tree. I always took a picture after I put them out, but I don't remember if I did last year because I wrapped most of his gifts. I better stop writing because I don't want to scare all the people at the store with my red eyes. I will think of you all trying to slog through another holiday and hopefully it will help me to make it. And some of you are doing better than slogging through and that helps even more.

Love to you all my friends, you help me so much.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, it is not being a chicken to not open the boxes of Christmas ornaments, it is rather, a way to protect yourself. I did not open that box until last Christmas, our 6th without Erica. I couldn't and had no desire to. I have no Grandies to set things in place for and so until last year, had no desire to do so. Jonathan and his Daddy didn't either, and last year, Jon said, Mom, let's get a tree. So he and I went out and got a big tree for my house, he helped decorate to a point. He left after looking through the ornaments and I finished. He enjoyed setting up his LGB train under the tree, that was cool to see again. I cried with the ornaments and the rememories, adn I smiled. I guess I was ready. The tree crashed to the floor the day after Christmas. I guess it was time to take it all off. So I did. I never have the tree up for more than a week before Christmas, and usually have it down before NYE. So it worked.

We'll see about this year. Good luck shopping, I am going to do the same later on.

[ericasmom]

Brian, the whole thought of who is more sad is hard on a marriage. I hope that the two of you can honor that you both are very sad and need to respect it for one another. The loss your wife is experiencing is forever too, as she has to find ways that her daughter will be cared for when she can't be there. Her guilt is a loss of sorts, as she mourns th elife of a child that never got that chance. I can see that the pain is huge between the two losses, and while your Boy Brian died, she has a daughter still living, but feels terribly guilty for it all. NO easy answers there. Somehow, it is all relative. I wish you both some peace.

Betty, I sure understand what you are saying. I was never the tough enough parent that is for sure. I did not insist on good grades, and I was far too lienient. I can't get the time back to change it but I clearly see my errors.

[Guest msnher]

Brian - My husband (Stephanie's stepfather) and I had that conversation, too. He has been excellent through everything to the point of paying for Steph's funeral (and my sisters) and paying , without complaint, for the legal fees and expenses for Stephanie's children and then adopting them as his own. However, the notion that he knew what I was going through...the hell and the pain...just irritated me. Because of Dee's wise words I finally asked him what it was like for him when Steph died. As he cried he told me. Just recently we cried together over "Old Yeller" . The name given to his old ford pick up that I have always called the monster truck from hell, but Stephanie loved it and drove it until she died. He had to drive it the other day and it broke his heart. We both agree that we will never get rid of that truck. We also both agree that Stephanie's death has brought us closer........finally.

On a side note to everyone....I doubt I would have done anything for Christmas (or Thanksgiving) if it weren't for Steph's children. I probably still wouldn't. Please don't feel guilty or weak if you can't or simply don't want to. I have three young children to create better memories for than their first years. They are my reason. Not because of any virtue on my part. It's just that if we had to have Christmas (last year) I was going to make sure Stephanie was remembered.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Re smoking: I have not quit trying to quit. The other's day "come apart" kind of put me back at square one.