Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Carol, thank heavens for everyone being okay in the accident. Goodness knows how upsetting that is.

Brian, my Girl Erica died in July of 2003,(19 years old) and while I came here long ago, I stay and receive help from everyone here in the way of support and love as well as offer the same to you and to each person here. That is the beauty of this place, the giving and support, the ability to talk about our Kids on and on as we need. So good.

I am so sorry that Brian died and that you are here at all, but since you are I welcome you. It must be hard being so far from the place where your other family is. Your Boy sounds like a dearheart, I know that you miss him terribly. My Daughter was best friends with her Brother, Jon. Jon lost his little Sis to a train, and then 5.5 years later, lost his Daddy to cancer. Tell us more when you can, there are many like Betty that can well explain how to do things online, not me though, I am not very good with the computer. Oh well, I do well enough to visit each day, to stay in touch with the folks I love deeply.

Owl pellets are not owl poop or throw up, they are the regurgitation of those parts that cannot be digested. It was so cool to see the food web unfold before our eyes.

Love to all,

dee

PS Sad Lorri, so sad about the young one lost.

[mysonrich]

Owl pellets are not owl poop or throw up, AKA regurgitation....................

Susannah, history from 1964::..let it go already.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - So, what you're saying is you don't want to talk about it.

Well, I have our Thanksgiving menu prepared. Must buy food which means I must go to the store......I dislike that part immensley! I must also clean and organize the house which I have not done since I painted. I just put the paint and supplies away that were in the laundry room (yesterday). We can now walk through the laundry room. If only I could make my motivation match my intentions!

Last year was a very sad Thanksgiving. Our first without Stephanie. I hope this year will be better.

It's been cold here. More snow on the way. I think this weather is just a "teaser", though. Warm days are expected to return.

So sad about the little girl, Lorri. So sad.

[Crystal16]

Thank you all to my Birthday wishes! What I really wanted for my birthday was to SEE Ashlee bake me a cake and verbally jab me with a bunch of old age jokes. That girl of mine would make me a homemade card every year and this year I wanted nothing more then that card and to SEE the mess of cake mix all over her and the kitchen...

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmum]

Yes I have arrived back in my place of peace. After spending more time than I wanted in the hills I was ready to travel back Tuesday (yesterday). But as things happen I struggled badly Monday. My other half agreed to work only 2hrs with the rest of the day earmarked for 'us'. His first job was to a 41yr old woman who had taken her life after fighting with her boyfriend. They were holidaying in the bush. It was a 20min drive from where she was found to the main road. They had no signal till then and an ambulance was called. At the end of the job we met to have coffee. I sat there as he and his partner talked openly about the case. His phone rang. It was the Duty Team Manager wanting to know if he would 'work on'. 'No problems'. I took Muttley and went for a walk. He arrived home around 6.30pm. He 'didn't realise' that talking about the job was distressing me. Then the final slap, "I had to work on, I didn't want Margo (the other ambo) to work the rest of the day alone. My distress and anger had collided. I grabbed my keys and drove the 3hrs 'home'.

So enough of the venting. You'd think by now (almost 4yrs) that 'stupid things stupid people say and do' would just roll off my back...STUPID.

Sherry - Thoughts of your precious baby girl Lisa. No my friend you aren't crazy. I felt 'odd' when Melissa 'outgrew' Micheal, then again moreso when Steven made it to 32, a year older than Mike. Milestones steeped in the loss. Missing them more.

Betsy - Yep gravity seems to work very well when we are distracted. I have bruises all over where I have tripped over wheelbarrows, my own feet and just plain old falling down. I hope you are healing well. Thinking of you as the holidays and many memories flood in. I hate that question 'how did he die'. For a start HE HAS A NAME USE IT, then I think isn't it enough that he died, details aren't relevant.

Lorri - Thinking of you as Kourtneys journey winds through your mind. Thoughts to of Jalen's family, when is enough enough.

Brian - I am so sorry for the loss of your boy. Yes here is the one place that you will find the understanding, support and a place to share all your son's stories.

Carol - So glad Cathi and Jamie are okay. F150 is pretty solid. Hope that they are able to get a rental, prying your door open can be exhausting. Good luck with the new computer. Im on a laptop here and keep brushing the mouse pad.....grrrrrr.

Colleen - Can't work out why we didn't connect. Happy Birthday to Aaron. A milestone in many ways..

Dee - Hope youre feeling better. May the funk be gone...

Well its time for a Muttley Dog walk. I can tell because he is boring holes in my head with this 'can we walk now' look....

Take Care all - Trudi

[daniellemom]

Thanks everyone for letting me know I'm not crazy. I'm going to try to let James drive home on the 24th from college for his Thanksgiving break. I try hard not to make his life a living nighmare because of what happened with Danielle. He drove to college this year, before that I picked him up when he wanted to come home.

Brian - Welcome to the most wonderful site in the world. I'm so sorry for your loss of Brian Jr. when you are up to it tell us all about your Brian.

Betsy - I hope you are feeling better from your fall.

Trudi - Glad you are back at the beach. Walk poor Mutley!

Carol - I'm so glad noboby was hurt in the accident. Maybe the truck can be fixed. The time you and Ralph spent together sounds great.

Sus - I hope your Thanksgiving plans work out to where you can't stand it because it's so wonderful! Does that even make sense? I don't think so either.

I'm not sure if the case of the young girl 10 years old that was dismember by they think her step-mother and others has made national news are not. It's so very sad, she is from Hickory NC about an 1 hour from me and today is her birthday so Happy Birthday special girl.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[summergirl]

LISA, LISA, LISA.....SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD.... Sherry, I am sorry I was not on yesterday....thinking of you.

Crystal - Happy Belated Birthday....

Hello dear indigo's....I have read all the posts and I am sorry to say that I am not up to a lengthy reply so please forgive me. We have been so busy that I do not know whether I am going forwards or backwards....I know that soon we will be settled into the new house but it sure is tough going getting there. Tavian is feeling much better - have to take him to an allergist now to see if they can determine what might bringing on the asthma attacks......never dull around here. Jessica is on my mind as I pack each box and the house becomes emptier each day....so many memories of life with her here - her friends staying over, the laughter, the drama, of course the "slamming of bedroom door because she was mad at me for whatever reason", watching her grow from a little girl to a grown woman in what seemed like a blink of the eye....and then the knock at the door and no more memories to collect in my heart.....I know that she will go with us and probably had a hand in this move but I am still fighting the emptiness I am feeling.......

Brian - I am so sorry for the loss of your son Brian Jr. - it is very hard when you have no one to talk to about how your feeling, the pain and loss are overwhelming....I am so glad you have found your way to us but as always I am so very sad that you had to. This site is where you will find you can speak openly about everything and anything....there are many wise people here who can help guide you on this awful journey we all travel. We lost our daughter Jessica at the age of 26 on Feb 18 of 2006....from ARVD (sudden death) and we have never been the same.....losing a child is the worst possible thing anyone can go through.....time has softend the pain for us but it is always there.....Jessica left behind a 4 year old son named Tavian whom my hubby and I have full custody of and we are blessed by him in so many ways.... Please share your Brian Jr with us as much as you can......Prayers to you and your family.

Tavian has decided he wants to go to his Grandma's for Thanksgiving !!!! He said he wants to say for a week and have some fun, he misses the girls and he likes Thanksgiving there because all his cousins come over and they play.....I must say I am a bit shocked that he wants to go but also realize that he is getting older and can express himself much better....I talked to her and I am meeting her tomorrow at her job to discuss it, she definitely wants him but I want to set some ground rules before I allow it....I do want him to go as I know that she loves him and he loves her and I want them to have a relationship but I want it on his terms. I must say that I also want him to go as it will give me alot of free time to spend at the new house which will speed things up - is that being selfish ??? Anyway I will keep you all informed.

I must say good night as Tavian needs to go to bed and I am weary (so much for NOT writting a lengthy post).... I love you all my friends and I do not know where I would be without you....Thank you for always being here and for all that you have given me. Peace, strength and prayers...Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Zahra Baker.........yes, it's national news. So very, very sad!!! May all the love of heaven and God and our own angels surround her, hug her, heal her...just love her...

[mikesmum]

http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/national/mother-or-murdered-australian-girl-zahra-baker/story-e6freooo-1225953575231

Zahhra Baker was born here. Her biological mother now visits the home where she lived with her father and step mother. The story is so sad. Her birthday is today....She overcame so much, yet the one thing she didn't survive was her family....

Prayers for her and her mum......

[btmetz1218]

Okay, first off let me say thanks again to all that welcomed me, and a special thanks for the simple directions even though I had to have Sarah help with posting my sons pic. it was a pixel problem and had to down size the pic..

I will get the hang of this thing, because I plan on sticking around and be apart of something that already makes a difference. I learned about fellow-shipping through my 12 step recovery program over the last 8 years and it has, and always will work for mostly all of lifes issues. This however seems to be quite a different mental, physical and more than anything else, spiritual twist to life and living with such a great loss. I know all of you have heard from close family and friends that have not lost a child, " Im sorry for your loss, I JUST CANT IMAGINE ", well so right they are, and I try to politly reply and say " NO, AND DONT TRY TO IMAGINE SOMETHING LIKE THAT "...

Thanks again for the comments, looking forward to fellow-shipping with you all

Brian

[Guest msnher]

"I just can't imagine what you're going through!"

My response has been the same since Steph died...."Neither can I."

So glad you were able to post a picture of Brian Jr, Brian. I love seeing our angel's faces.

Yes Trudi...prayers for Zahra's mom!

Kathy - the Thanksgiving dinner situation doesn't sound selfish at all. It sounds like a "win win" situation. Don't you feel guilty at all about the ability to take advantage of the time to get some things done.

Well, my brain just went blank. Peace to all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Susannah - that is my response too!!

Also, when I hear, "We just do not know what to say.",

I reply, "Neither do I"

Colleen

[shorty16]

Brian - (I love the name)

Sorry you have to be here, but here is a really good place. I have been posting for a little over 2 years. I have met 5 other Mothers on this board. Really a wonderful group.

My son was 16, when he decided to climb on the hood of a car. He "Friend" drove 68mph into a tree. Brian hit the ground and died within minutes from blunt-force-trama to the chest and abdomen. No head injuries. The crash scene is 1/4 mile from our home. His "Friend" is now a convicted felon for homicide of his friend - Everyone lost on 6-19-2008-- I still cannot believe it sometimes.

These other parents - "Get It"

These other parents have let me know that I am not going crazy - just grieving.

Now I am on this site to try to tell the other newbies the same. You can survive this, with work, you will survive this.

Welcome - Please tell us all about your son.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

PS: Do people ever spell your name Brain?

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - Where's Brian's face? Are you changing your avatar? Need my Brian fix...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos

Last week, I went through the full-body scan both to and from Florida - It is no big deal.

I think people are making more of it than need be. I stood with my hands in the air for about 10 seconds while this glass door swung around me. I then stood at the checkpoint for another 15 seconds until I was cleared to take my gun aboard the plane (JUST KIDDING).

No really, the scanners are nothing

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Brian, love the photo of Brian Jr. and I love that you feel that this place has already assisted in giving you some sense of community.

Zahra is the story I could not even write about here for all the weeks that I have been watching the story unfold, even that first day it was on the news, I knew that she was gone, but I kept praying, kept hoping that someone saw this little waif and hid her out from the adults that were treating her so poorly. That father of hers taking her from the safety of her home in Australia and marrying the beast he married, together their marriage became the evil that took that precious little girl. I have cried with the news of her loss. there is a little girl in my class that looks so much like Zahra Baker that I am startled each time she walks into the room, the same bright eyes, beautiful smile, same haircut, same stature...somehow having her in class made this case all that more shattering. As we mourn those we love so deeply, someone actually many someones, let this child, this beautiful little soldier wither an die. I am sickened.

Kathy, glad taht you are going to set the ground rules for Grandma, and I am glad that you will have the time you need t o get the work done.

Col, so great that you and Marcia were able to relax and roam the beaches in Florida.

Love to all,

dee

[Guest msnher]

I can't even put into words the sorrow I feel for little Zahra and so many other children living the same nightmare. The story was so upsetting that I diverted my attention from it, at first. Then it occured to me how important it is to me that my own grandchildren's story be heard....validated. Their story didn't even get one line in the newspaper when whole pages are centered around much less crimes. I still want to shout from the rooftops what they've been through. So, because of my own experience, I followed Zahra's story. The news clip of her mother, on her knees, sobbing at "the tree" reading a note from another little girl, left me sobbing, too.

I don't know where to draw the line for myself. I feel obligated to know those heartbreaking stories and yet I still want to love and enjoy life. There is so much evil, sorrow and just plain injustice in the world. But, there is also good. Yet, sometimes the good is hard to find. And, yet....it is right in front of me. It is in the faces of these three little children that I now call my own. It is in the short story Jasmine wrote for her class in which the grandma saves the little girl. It is in Little Kaylee's 2 yr old face as she looks closely at my face, touching my wrinkles with her chubby little finger and asks, "Where's my juice, Grandma?" When I tell her to say please...she says, with a smile, "say please."

It is in Jonathon's energy as he runs across the living room hardwood floor switching to a slide that leaves him laughing that deep belly laugh. The little boy whom only two years ago was afraid to be seen, let alone heard. It is in Mariah's pride as she worries about what to get her best friend for her birthday. "I have to get her something special, Grandma."

I see the joy of life in my dog as she follows me from room to room, "reminding" me I have not fed her yet and I've been up for a whole 2 minutes as she finally lays down, with a pout, and looks at me like she is the most abused animal on the planet. Laying in the middle of the doorway, mind you, so I have to step over her to get to the bathroom.

I see the joy of life when Jasmine's biggest concern for the day is that her best friend might still not want to play with her because "she's letting Jordan boss her around." "I thought Jordan was your best friend?" I ask her. "That was morning recess." Jasmine reminds me as she cleans her earrings with an alcohol swab.

When she's done, she reaches down and kisses Shelby's head (who has now been fed). "I love you, Shelby." She whispers in her ear.

This is the same child who just 21 months ago had to be separated from our dog because she (Jasmine) terrorized her(the dog). This is the same child who I spent two full months holding in our oversized recliner at night so she could sleep. Every night she woke up screaming in fear. The same child who threw the worst temper tantrums I've ever seen. The same child who wore her pretty pink Easter dress and silver easter shoes as she walked, slowly, up the isle to the front of the court room to testify against her father and his girlfriend while Grandpa and I waited in the hallway. She was so small her face was barely visible above the witness cube.

This is the same child who exclaimed, "This is the best life ever!" when she looked over the side of a canyon into the river below.

Yes. Zahra's life story is horrific. It's ending pure tragedy. The only comfort I find in her story at all is that now she is free and being loved by pure love. For her mother, for the people that really loved her (there has to be some) their nightmare will last until the day are joined with her. And, I will keep them on my prayer list. But, I will focus on the stories right in front of me.

Little Curtis who would not be stopped by the 3rd degree burns he received when he fell into the camp fire last August. I will hide my chuckle from him as I remove him from the center of the coffee table (again) and tell him to stay down.....his little face scrunched into a "mad" as he looks at me and says "no". However, he minds me and finds something else to occupy his 18 month old curiosity.

I will light a candle for Zahra and all the others - too many others - who live her nightmare.............and I will light a candle for the ones that are saved.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Brian I am so glad that you returned and have been able to post a picture of Brian Jr. and his angel date. He certainly is a handsome young man.

I have found that this beautiful place is ,my sanctuary from the harsh reality of my world without my precious son, Stephen. I am sure that you will find the same warmth , love, compassion and understanding that you need as you travel this painful lonely journey.

It is safe to talk about Brian Jr, and your pain No one will ever tell you how to feel or that it is time to let go and move on. I have been heard and understood here, as no other place and am glad you have joined our Indigo family

Trudi I hope the sun is shinning in your part of the world and that MD is walking proudly along side

Dee: I agree that story was so vey unsettling. I would have given my life to save Stephen and here a little girl is destroyed. I know your little class is getting ready for Thanksgiving I remember that they would dress up as Pilgrims and Indians and have a feast each year when Stephen was little it was fun!!! Do you still do that?

Susannah and Betsy I hear you about Thanksgiving plans My sister is going in for additional surgery on Monday so my Thanksgiving Plans have changed I will need to go to her home and be the cook and in charge She will be discharged on Wednesday and although I would rather stay home and isolate it is important to her and her children.

Colleen,Funny lady I set off the alarms when I went on my trip and needed to be patted down by female guards I felt it was more invasive than a machine.

Kathy, Karen, Crystal Leah Rhonda, Bonnie Karen Sherry and Sonya and all other Indigos, thinking of you and all our angels today and every day

[westleysmom]

Good morning all my Indigo friends. I have been busy since my time away and haven't had a chance to post, but have been reading almost every day what you are all up to. I read the report on the little Australian girl who was murdered. There are 8 more deaths of our troops in the local paper today, just from here. It boggles my mind sometimes how the world keeps on going with so much pain and heartbreak. At times, I can only read the headlines, can't bear to know the details because once you know something, you can't un-know it. Like the death of your child, you think that just one more moment not knowing would have been a gift that you would have loved to have. But that doesn't change it and I am weary with the knowledge of it.

Brian-My son Westley died Jan 13, 2010, 6 days before he would have turned 21, from acute combined intoxication, the same cause of death for Heath Ledger the actor. Two beers and a prescription painkiller equals my son's death. He didn't have a drug problem to my knowledge, and I don't know where he got the painkiller. He had sleep apnea as well and was a smoker, so I guess those both figure into the equation too. At any rate, my heart is broken for me and for your loss as well, all our losses. I'm so sorry that you have been so alone in your grief and hope that you find, as I have, comfort in the company of all these here who have gone through their very own hell on earth when they heard those words, "we're sorry, he/she didn't make it." And all the days and months after that, feeling like there was something you did wrong, or you wouldn't be hurting so bad. At least that's how it is for me. We can't control trains or drunken drivers or cancer, all of which are another name for death. We can't control death or life, for that matter. I'm pretty much a downer, huh? When I feel out of control, though, it helps to come here and talk about it. All these are witness to our pain and loss and deep grief. I wish you peace friend, though it may be a long time coming. I haven't received it yet myself, but it is my hope for all of us here.

Sherry-Sorry I missed Lisa's Angel date. Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

Crystal-Happy belated birthday.

Kathy-Packing up all those memories would undo anybody. You're not selfish at all and I hope that Tav has a good Thanksgiving with the cousins and you have some much needed time alone to collect yourself as you leave behind the place with so many memories of Jess.

Trudi-I hope the summer is coming back and you are at the shore (or beach whatever).

Betsy, Betty, Sonya, Dee, Susannah, Colleen, Karen, Carol, all I failed to mention-hoping that you are all having a good day

[hotrod]

Dear Susannah

We posted at the same time

What a powerful and wonderful vision you have given me

I am so glad that your grandchildren are safe with you and Gary Thanks for making my day

[lolynbo]

I LIKE THE "ATLEAST YOU HAVE OTHER CHILDREN"...

KINDA COLD TODAY....LAST NIGHT KODY AND I WENT TO HOBBY LOBBY TO GET MORE FLOWERS FOR KOURTNEY TIME TO CHANGE THEM UP..(BEEN SINCE JUNE)...DIDNT WANT TO GET TO CHRISTMASY BUT NOT YET VALENTINES OR HER BIRTHDAY..(OH GEEZZZ AGAIN GOD SHE WOULD BE 25)...THIS I CANT IMAGINE...SO WE GOT GOLD/FALLISH POINSETTAS (YES I NO CHISTMASY) BUT THEY ARE VERY MISTICAL AND MAGICALLOOKING..(HALF OFF TOO)...PLUS GOLD GLITTER GRASS STUFF...KODY WAS VERY HELPFUL IN HELPING ME DO THIS , I THINK HE FELT INVOLVED AND HAPPY TO DO SO....SO THIS WEEK I WILL PUT THEM OUT AND OF COURSE SHOW YAL....(98.00 FOR ALL OF EM, WHAT ELSE CAN I BUY HER????)

THEN HE WANTED TO WALK AROUND BIG LOTS...(I WASNT IMPRESSED) BUT HE LIKED JUST BEING OUT I THINK WITH MOM....THEN WE WENT TO STAPLES TO DREAM OF NEATO STUFF...IT WAS A GREAT EVENING JUST BEING WITH HIM...18 YRS OLD AND HE HAS TIME FOR MOM...GOD IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE HIM...THANK YOU GOD...

BRIAN GREAT TO HAVE A FACE TO GO WITH SO WE KNOW WHAT YOUR ANGELS LOOKS LIKE...

WELL YAL HAVE A BLESSED DAY..

[mysonrich]

" Powerful winds knocked out power to more than 27,000 customers and damaged some small airplanes in New Jersey early this morning."

I thought I would see Dorothy and Toto flying by early this morning. All is well. The power is back on but most importantly, the coffee maker is brewing away. Somehow I don;t think my extra-hold hairspray is going to hodl today. See you all later.

That's where our kids are. Over the rainbow.

[btmetz1218]

Brian - (I love the name)

Sorry you have to be here, but here is a really good place. I have been posting for a little over 2 years. I have met 5 other Mothers on this board. Really a wonderful group.

My son was 16, when he decided to climb on the hood of a car. He "Friend" drove 68mph into a tree. Brian hit the ground and died within minutes from blunt-force-trama to the chest and abdomen. No head injuries. The crash scene is 1/4 mile from our home. His "Friend" is now a convicted felon for homicide of his friend - Everyone lost on 6-19-2008-- I still cannot believe it sometimes.

These other parents - "Get It"

These other parents have let me know that I am not going crazy - just grieving.

Now I am on this site to try to tell the other newbies the same. You can survive this, with work, you will survive this.

Welcome - Please tell us all about your son.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

PS: Do people ever spell your name Brain?

Why of course, I even do from time to time..lol !!!!

[Crystal16]

I had to share this with the group because since Ashlee's death I prayed to see her again....

Last night Ashlee came to me in a dream... she was driving Brytney, Ethan and I over a BIG bridge that had somewhat like a waterfall underneath it "I'm able to recall bits and pieces of the dream" Ashlee stopped the car like there was an accident or something but didn't hit anyone (thank goodness) and the next thing I remember was sensing her sassy attitude. Then the dream went to Brytney and I walking on the bridge, I remember feeling as thou I needed to find Ashlee and Ethan thinking I needed to jump in the water to save Ashlee. I left Brytney walking on the bridge stairs....knowing I needed to find the two younger children then I saw Ashlee in a field with lots of different people, feeling it was okay, hearing laughter andAshlee letting me know Ethan was okay then I woke up!

[lolynbo]

I AM SHAMED OF SOME PPL IN KANSAS...THEY PROTESTED A FUNERAL IN MCALESTER YEST OF A FALLEN SOILDER....AND TODAY THEY PROTESTED THE FUNERAL OF THE 8 YR OLD GIRL KILLED IN THAT FESTIVAL ACCIDENT I TOLD YAL ABOUT

Westboro Bus Tires Flattened In Okla.

Topeka Church Members Picket Military Funeral In McAlester

POSTED: 1:00 pm CST November 14, 2010

Comments (82)McALESTER, Okla. -- Kansas church members who travel the region to protest at military funerals have been given less than a rousing welcome at McAlester, Okla.

The Tulsa World reports that a half-dozen protesters from Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kan., showed up Saturday in McAlester at the funeral of Army Sgt. Jason James McCluskey. After coping with what police said was more than a thousand counterprotesters, the church members found their minivan had flat tires on both the front and rear wheels on the passenger side.

Police said the tires had been slashed.

Officers said the church members were unable to find anyone to fix the flats in McAlester, and had to call a flatbed service truck to transport the van to a Walmart several miles away.

I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND SOME PPL...THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE A CHURCH...

[ericasmom]

Crystal,

I am so glad that you had a visit from Ashlee, the kind that makes your whole self feel blessed. I think she was giving you a view of how peaceful it is now for her, and that is great.

Love you,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Powerful dream, Crystal! Your Ashlee letting you know she's happy. Maybe the people with her were our angels...maybe...

I was going through some of Stephanie's things today, looking for baby pictures of her kids for their memory books. I settled back, reading her journals, again. Instead of bringin the usual tears, however, I found myself smiling. "MY JOURNAL. THIS MEANS MY EYES ONLY. NOT YOURS!!! PLEASE BE KIND AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" She then goes on to threaten anyone who reads it....LOL She mentions me in so many pages..."I miss my mom." "My mom and I are getting closer." "My mom is my biggest support." (The journals were written when she was in the 8 month recovery program in Iowa - I live in Wyoming) I laughed out loud when I got to the page about "The bad president won." and a few months later..."We still have the same bad president." and "My mom voted for the bad president." She's referring to Obama, of course. The pages are full of her getting angry and "sinning". She didn't do anything wrong other than get angry. I rolled my eyes as she promised Jesus she would love him more so she wouldn't get angry.

The tone of her journal changed completely on the day we were reunited with her children. The agony she voiced in what they had been through. The hatred for their father and his girlfriend. Begging God to remove her hatred.

"We have to forgive Tina, Mom. Not for her sake, but for ours." She voiced to me just a few days before she died. "You forgive her!" I answer, "I'm going to kick her ass!" Stephanie laughed at me. She found a lot of joy in my fighting spirit, but she felt guilty about enjoying my wrath towards the people who hurt her children.

"I don't want to raise your kids, Steph!" I cried one day on the phone after Mariah called 911 on me because I wouldn't allow her to use the phone for the fifth time that hour to call her mom..again. Earlier that week 6yr old Jasmine had run away and walked into a total strangers house "looking for my mommy." They got to see their mother for the first time in two years. We didn't know where they were the first year and the second Steph was in treatment.

"Don't worry, Mom, you won't." Steph assured me.

We found out, after she died, that the state had filed a motion that she be allowed to have her children back the Friday before she died. She died on a Sunday.

Six weeks is all her children had with her. Six wonderful sober, happy weeks. We have that and no one can take it away. Thank you God for that!!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shellyku]

Hello Indigos! First may I say hello to Brian and Colleen and my sympathies to you on the loss of

your Brian. I am a newbie also and I haven't posted very often..still trying to learn the ropes. I must

say, though, everyone so far has been very kind to me. I read that you had a little trouble posting a

picture of your son. I am currently having the same problem. My picture is too big and I can't figure

out how to downsize it to fit! If you have any tips for me, I would appreciate it. Peace to all! Shelly

[lolynbo]

SO IF THESE PPL SHOWED UP AT YOUR CHILD FUNERAL WHAT WOULD WE HAVE DONE?????

Funeral Protesters Now Targeting Oklahoma Children's Funerals

Protesters from the Westboro Baptist Church at an Owasso serviceman's funeral earlier this year.Protesters from a Kansas church who have gained attention through picketing at the funerals of fallen military servicemen are now turning their attention to protesting at the funerals of children to retaliate for their tires being slashed at a McAlester serviceman's funeral last week.

Members of Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas will be in Burneyville in southern Oklahoma today. That's where a funeral is being held for eight-year-old Jalen Wolfe, who died in an accident at the Love County Fairgrounds last week.

On the WBC website, members say they are protesting because of the vandalism they suffered over the weekend while protesting at the funeral of McAlester serviceman Jason McCluskey.

They say quote "the Lord curses them by killing Oklahoma's children and casting them into Hell." Furthermore, their website reads "Thank God For More Dead Children In Oklahoma!".

In addition to today's funeral, the protestors are scheduled to return to Owasso Thursday to protest at the funeral of Melissa Hanslovan of Collinsville, who died Sunday after a one-car crash over the weekend.

The protesters were in Owasso earlier this year for the funeral of Specialist Andrew Looney. They say soldiers are being killed because of God's revenge against America for its tolerance of homosexuality.

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[mikesmum]

Borg, who noted that his brother is disabled from severe wounds he suffered in the Vietnam war, said soldiers fight and die for the right to free speech, but he considered the Westboro members' protests during memorial services to be unforgiveable. "It's sad. They are just sorry people," he said. "It's about a dead soldier — people's son — that died in the war giving them the right to do what they do."

Its hard to imagine the workings of a mind that embraces a god that punishes in the way these people believe. Families from Grandparents to siblings struggle with the death of their loved one. They don't need the 'imaginings' of this group forcing their beliefs on them at any time during this journey.

How would I handle it, not sure. I believe everyone has the right to their beliefs, but please don't rise up against those who are suffering in the name of god. They speak of a God I have never heard of. A vengeful god. Seems like these are people who 'use' their GOD for their own beliefs and hates. Now that can't be right ..

[lolynbo]

WHEN MY BOY WAS LIL..HOPE YAL DONT MIND

KODY AT A WEDDING...KODY 4YRS OLD, KODY 5 YRS OLD,KODY IN THE 5TH GRADE...SEE GIRLS HES SO CUTE...AND WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH HIM I SAW HIS FACE MUCH LIKE THE PIC OF HIM AT AGE 4

[lolynbo]

5TH GRADE SORRY

[mysonrich]

Lorri, they were scheduled to show up in this state as well. Local students showed up in forcee, the "church" didn't. I'll let this video speak for itself.

[shorty16]

Indigos

My surviving son Aaron's birthday is today - He is 17 on Nov 17th, 2010.

I am glad to be experiencing this. We did not make it this far with Brian.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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[summergirl]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AARON.....

Oh my gosh Lori - I just watched that video and I am so sick to my stomach over this woman and her family and so called "Christian Beliefs" - They are CRAZY and if I was ever around where they were protesting I cannot tell you what I would do as it is too scary. How she even say those things....Well, my GOD will bring His wrath upon her when judgement day comes.

Trudi - I am sorry for your having to deal with the "stupid people" again....does it ever end ?? I am glad you are back to your beach house, walk with Muttley, have a latte and dream a little dream...... Sure wish I was walking with you.

Thank you for your response to my :"should I feel guilty"....makes me feel better and I need that.

Dee - had a nice talk with "grandmother" today and it was good....I told her that Tavian is 8 and a half and is old enough to make some decisions for himself so if he wants to call Barry and I then I expect her to let him and if he wants to come home then he or she is to call us and let us know. She agreed with me so we shall give it a try and see how it goes.

Crystal - so gald your Ashlee came to you and let you see that she is laughing....hold tight my friend...

Brian - glad to hear that you are staying with us....we welcome you with open arms. Your boy is sure a handsome young man, glad you got the pic up.

I went by the cemetery today but could not drive in....drive by crying and telling Jessica "I'm sorry sweetie, so sorry" - I do not know why I cannot go, I get all upset because I want to but I just cannot....I suppose it is another step on this journey. Today at work we had a guy come to fix our copier machine and all he did was talk about how he has been going to the doctor as he thinks there is something wrong with him and the doctor's cannot find anything, he went on and on.....then he said "no matter what they say how can I trust them, I could have a heart attack right now" - I had to get up and go outside......When I came back in he was STILL talking about it...I looked at him and said "maybe you need a therapist instead of a doctor" - I mean really the guy is 40 years old and he is obsessed with "living forever" as he put it.....he wants him and his wife to "go together", outlive his children and live to be at least 100 years old - I said Well good luck with that......I was never so glad to see someone leave my office....I really wanted to choke him...Am I being over dramatic or would this guy drive you CRAZY ????

Well dear Indigo's I must say good nite and get Tavian to bed so he can read...he is tired tonight. Love, peace and strength to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Just a little hug to all, will watch the infuriating video later, can't right now or I will go off on those that feel so justified in their hateful ways, how ugly.

Sus, glad that the journals brought you a grateful knowing of your Steph's winding road back to you all. The gift in knowing she was home again. Lorri, give that Boy a big hug from me, what a cutie.

Aaron, may this day ring of great joy in all the hearts of those who adore you. May you feel the love of your Big Bro, he will always be that for you.

Connected

Like geese gathered on the edges of the almost frozen stream,

We lean in close to glean the warmth and spark of each others time here,

Feeling for this moment the joy of belonging-

the goodness of being part of something larger than ones own existence.

The night begins in late afternoon now and we try to pretend it does not matter,

But like the geese back in the woods, it changes everything, cuts it short

But for our sharing the end of the light

We go our separate ways joined by what was golden before the seasons changed.

[lolynbo]

WOW SHES FRIKN CRAZY.....I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND STINKIN THINKIN.....

[mikesmum]

Happy Birthday Aaron....Congratulations Colleen. Its not easy, but you have made such headway into living your 'new normal'. I think of the pictures of you and Aaron on the cruise....so precious.

I watched that video. A couple of things I got from it. Firstly, this is a church that is made up of 'family' with like minded views and interpretations of 'God's' words. Secondly, this lady isn't quite right. I just couldn't believe the fixated smile, similar to those who might be medicated for psychiatric disorders and thirdly, the thinking dates back to the early days when 'different' meant evil and should be punished.

Airing this might bring into the light the sad thinking of some. One thing we 'thinking' people can do, don' give them the attention they crave. Ensure those suffering loss are protected from this intrusion to their grief.

I'm not religious, but I really don't believe that god 'punishes' at random. There are those who persecute in the name of God.

There, for what its worth my 2 cents worth......breathing in and breathing out. MD and I need a long long walk.

[aim630]

Happy Birthday to Aaron! Colleen, I'm sure I'll feel the same way when Katie gets past 23.

I did not watch the video because I knew it would make me angry. How those people can even justify what they are doing in the name of religion is beyond me. The funeral of your child is the most difficult thing anyone could ever go through. I can't imagine if someone was outside carrying signs saying my child deserved to die. How can anyone be so hateful and say that God is telling them to do this.

I hate how now even when I am happy, I can't really be completely happy & it will be like this forever. Today Katie (my 17 yr old) found out she was admitted to the journalism school at Ohio University (which is not that easy to get into). She also got several awards at soccer tonight(chosen for 2nd team in her high school conference & chosen to play in the county All Star game). She really worked hard to get these honors, but all I could think is she would give all that up, if she just had her sister again. Three years ago, she was so hurt because she did not letter in soccer (and another girl did who we thought did not deserve it). She came home in tears, and I was so upset because she felt so bad, and that was nothing compared to losing her sister. It really didn't matter at all. I wish that was the worst of our problems. When I hear people complaining about petty little things, I want to tell them to shut up, they don't know what a real problem is, but I was the same way before Ashley died.

We have a temp at work, and she saw my pictures of Ashley & Katie on my desk. She is the first person I have had to tell that my daughter had passed away 7 months ago. She told me she was sorry to hear that, then about 5 minutes later, she sent me an email saying she had lost her 13 month old son about 12 years ago. She said the pain never goes away & she cries almost every day. Sometimes I feel like I have been punished by God for doing something wrong. But then I read all of your stories, and know that you are all going through what I am, and you are not bad people who deserved to have your children die.

Well I need to get to bed...goodnight all. I have a feeling this will be another sleepless night.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[btmetz1218]

Hello Indigos! First may I say hello to Brian and Colleen and my sympathies to you on the loss of

your Brian. I am a newbie also and I haven't posted very often..still trying to learn the ropes. I must

say, though, everyone so far has been very kind to me. I read that you had a little trouble posting a

picture of your son. I am currently having the same problem. My picture is too big and I can't figure

out how to downsize it to fit! If you have any tips for me, I would appreciate it. Peace to all! Shelly

As I stated before I am not all that good on this thing, and I had to have sarah come to my rescue,

I sat next to her as she down sized the pic, but its like sitting on the passenger side of the car

when you are going some place you never been and when its your turn to drive you dont remember

how to get there,,ha ha !! What I do remember was from where the pics are on your computer she

singled out the one i wanted to use and clicked on edit and somehow downsized the pic and saved

it then copied and pasted it back to documents then I was able to post. thats the best I can offer..

[btmetz1218]

Happy B-Day to Aaron, Colleen you inspire me to be strong and have that type of relationship you have with Aaron as I want to have with my daughter Alexis.

Being halfway around the world and her cell phone provider, T-Mobil charges her for incoming international calls and text, so I am limited to the land line at

the house and it never gets ansewered when I call. Skype is a wonderful thing, but once again the person must set a time and day to talk to, and we all know

that a 20, soon to be 21, (Jan. 9th) dont stay home that much. I really miss her so so much, at times it feels like I have lost them both.

As far as those freaks go that protest at the funerals, its unfortunate that diseased thinking has spread through thier minds, the worst part is that they are

trying to spread it to others, so I say dont post it or even ackowledge that these freaks even exsist. I give them power the more I show any kind of intrest,

even when I speak out in rage againest them I am giving them what they want, (to be heard). Screw that, they dont even deserve for me to waste my breath

let alone my thoughts.

[Guest msnher]

Happy Birthday, Aaron!!

We spent three hours in the ER tonight. Not an emergency. Everyone was and is okay. Jasmine's earring somehow went into the skin of her ear. The little stone was in between the piercing of her ears. There was no bigger hole to judge it's entry. But, I sure as heck wasn't going to try to pull it out. She didn't even know it happened. It was where it belonged this morning. She was complaining about her ear itching after school and when I went to put alcohol on it we discovered that sometime during the day her earring had "moved". They gave her a shot in her ear lobe to numb it and then pulled the earring out the back.

Turns out the nurse who helped us was the same nurse who gave Jasmine the exam the day the state removed the kids from Tina. Her specialty is dealing with people of sexual abuse. Meeting her was a blessing. Then, in the waiting room, an old acquaintance of mine came in to be seen because of vomiting and diarehha. We kept our distance, but said our hellos. I introduced her to "my" kids explaining they are Stephanie's children. She didn't know Stephanie had died. Jasmine felt so sorry for the woman. She asked me if she could hug her and I told her not this time because she was so sick. Jasmine said "I can't hug you but I will pray for you." and then Mariah said, "We will pray for you every day if we can!" These two little girls were comforting this woman who was sad because their mommy died. I was so proud of them!

Ahhhhh.....what to say about Phelps.....

I choose not to watch anything he or his family has to say. Casper Wyoming....my home....which I love. Also the place where Matthew Shepard was born and buried.

Several years ago I had a large german shepherd that I could not train to save my life. Finally I called in the professionals. The solution? Ignore the dog! We were told to put the dog on a short chain in the shade(it was summer) and feed and water it, but not to talk to it. Just pretend it wasn't there. For two full days we weren't allowed to acknowledge our dog's presence. We would set his water and food down and walk away. Now, I'm a dog person and that was extremely difficult for me to do but we were desperate so we did it. On day three we were told to let the chain out and to go talk to the Tiko. As soon as Tiko began to exhibit negative behavior we were to stop communication abruptly and walk away and not talk to him for two hours. If Tiko did what we wanted, of course, we were to praise and love and reward him. Three days. That's all it took. About the third time I abruptly cut off communication with him and walked away he got it. He understood. I had the best dog on the block after that. All I had to do was look like I was going to ignore him and he settled right down.

We have to ignore the Phelps.

We have to become the baracade between them and the bereaved. People are beginning to get it. They are showing up as human shields. Let the publicity be about the soldier or victim of a hate crime and/or the people of peace offering themselves as a show of respect. Let their be no mention of the Phelps on the news again. Ever.

Just my opinion.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Brian - we posted at the same time. Yup....I agree.

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I have to agree on that too. I couldn't watch the video either, the written story alone was way too much. My thoughts and prayers are with the families who had to endure this ignorance during their most painful moment.

[mysonrich]

Some groups/people must be kept in our peripheral vision. Ignoring them doesn't always make them go away or "behave", IMHO. I would like to thank the Patriot Guard and other Veteran Groups for the work they do in shielding the families in mourning from zealots.

Aunt Betsy, proud aunt of a United States Marine.

On a brighter note; an early Thanksgiving pot luck today at work. having my family close has helped me . Though I have very intense emotions and gut wrenching cries, sounds that escape my lips that are almost primal, I miss Rich , my baby boy, yet there are sings that he is near

[Guest msnher]

Perhaps "ignore" was the wrong word. My answer is "I don't know".

Last night I dreamed my dog Shelby had three puppies. My attention to Shelby was diverted by her puppies needs from me. In my dream all the puppies got loose and I was trying to catch them as they ran seperate directions. Each of the puppies got hurt but I was able to catch them and put them back in the safety of my house. As I placed the last puppy on the floor, I turned just in time to see Shelby running away. I saw the danger immediately as she tried to jump the barbed wire fence. I yelled too late. She jumped but couldn't clear the fence. She was sliced and tangled and I couldn't get to her fast enough because I had her puppies.

My dear, dear Stephanie....I'm so sorry!