Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Hi Indigo's....I'm posting a copy of the email I sent my sisters, Chris and Arlene tonight.

Missing Stephanie tonight but also grateful for the signs she sent right after she died. They (the signs) mean more to me now than they did then. I imagine they will mean even more as time passes. The dream means the most. Remember me telling you? It was so real. I was on the front walk outside our front window. Stephanie was standing about a foot in front of me. She was looking at me, smiling. I was dying inside, looking at her, longing to touch her...hurting. She kept smiling. No words were spoken. I didn't reach for her. I just longed. She slowly began to ascend backwards and upwards, still smiling, still looking at me. As she ascended she began to get brighter, glowing white. The further she ascended the brighter she became until I couldn't make out her features because she was too bright.........like a star. You would think the wild bird landing on my shoulder would mean more because it was tangible. I'm grateful for it...the bird...extremely, but the dream has more power. I keep looking to the sky. It's odd how the death of a child affects us. I know you haven't been through it, Chris. But, I've been where you are with your children (Eric and Amy) and although the death of a child is horrific, so is what you're going through. I tell you that because I don't want you to feel left out, but I hope you never have to experience this..... There is another side to the death of a child, but it's fleeting and the trip to it (the other side) is unimaginable. But, the glimpses of the other side is pure magic. Powerful. A miracle. A glimpse of pure love. Again, Chris, I hope you never have to go through this. I hope you understand that. If I had a choice I would choose to have Stephanie here, with me. Yet, I've not had one of those hysterical phone calls in over a year. She has not lied to me in over a year. I know where she is. I know where her children are. It's just a glimpse, but tonight I see it.

Peace...

Susannah (or as they call me...Annie)

[mikesmum]

Actually, very excited about this healthy change. Rich is a good man but different goals, vission and values then me. Plus, I'm a tall girl and he's about 3inches shorter then I, which always bothered me.

Funny how after losing a child we tend to cut through the previously 'tolerated' stuff and find we are better for it.

Point in case - Our meeting in MN 2009 saw many facing challenges they didnt believe they could overcome before losing a child. Flying being the main one. Carol Marcia and Bonnie all flying in. Distance driving for Dee and Colleen. Memories and strengths gained then hold me in good stead each day on this journey.

Dan - what an amazing dream. So real, so easing to the aching heart of your girl.

Dee - you are so right. We are quite a strong bunch, the collective of Indigo's generates strength none of us would believe we could possess having lost our children. Hope the upper resp probs resolve before a winter chill hits town.

Kathy - Another show of just how much strength comes from being here. Moving, renovating and juggling all that with Tavian and work...Whew I get tired just thinking about it.

Bonnie - Ahh I bet it bought back memories of another time in your life. Like riding a bike, once you've managed 'crisis' you never forget how to organise! Hope your foster is feeling better (brain can't remember his name). Is your younger respite likely to revisit...sounds like a challenge. Glad Rich has work, another brick off the brain.

Betty - Hope your sister is doing better. Love the idea of ice skating outdoors. The climate here doesn't lend itself to snow or ice in the middle of town.

Shelly - Hope you are able to tell us more about your girl soon. Talking about our children, their hopes, dreams, things they did that made us smile.....does in many ways keep them close to us..

Betsy - Metallica concert - what an amazing live event for Rich to be part of.....Mike and music...what can I say

[heartbeataway]

Bonnie - Ahh I bet it bought back memories of another time in your life. Like riding a bike, once you've managed 'crisis' you never forget how to organise! Hope your foster is feeling better (brain can't remember his name). Is your younger respite likely to revisit...sounds like a challenge. Glad Rich has work, another brick off the brain.

yes, it did bring some memories and some thoughts that I had kept from my heart ......

I took DanO (Daniel) to the same ER where Jay was pronounced. I couldn't help wondering what room he was in, etc ......

And sitting with a child having breathing problems. Jay had asthma .... we did this routine more than once. Lots of memories ...... lots of thoughts .....

this is Daniel at the hospital ...... took the picture for his life book

Kathy ..... I grabbed the frog blanket you sent. Kept him snuggly warm at the hospital! <3!

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, so glad that Dano is good, that he is better adn that you were able to give him what he needed when he needed it. And Kathy, look at your work there with the Little Dude. How sweet, how connected. Wow Bon, sounds like a whirlwind, your working with two little ones, but again, who better? You are there, you and Rich, to give aid where it is needed most. Boy is Jason smiling on you! I am sure that he knows how breath-taking ti was to have this little guy at the same ER as he was once in.

Kath, good luck with that cold for Tavian, it is rampant out here. I am so amazed at al lthat you are getting done Kathy, this might be your second calling...renovation station.

Goodnight Everyone, sleepy tonight. Peaceful thoughts to All.

[nicksdad]

Bonnie....

Dan, I loved reading about your daughters dream. Wouldn't it be nice if there were phones in heaven?

Actually while she was telling me about how nice all the people were that kept answering the phone I thought

of all the children on her just randomly answering the phone...(Crazy I Know)

[Guest msnher]

Dan - How sweet of you to think of our angels answering the phone when your daughter called. If only.....

Bonnie - Your little Daniel looks so peaceful and secure in his blanket. I don't know very much about asthma, but that must have been very scary. And heartbreaking as you walked down memory lane, too. You and Rich are good people to do this for Daniel and your little respite guy. I don't think you gave his name. Did you have him with you at the ER, too?

Kathy - I'm anxious to see pictures of your new home. Will you be cooking Thanksgiving dinner in it?

Thinking of all the Indigo's...my brothers and sisters.

You guys are my first "stop" in the mornings and my last in the evenings. Somedays I am able to check in periodically through the day.. In those first days I never left you. I just sat with my laptop holding on to you all and your angels.

I pray you peace today.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

First and last here as well, for many years. Open my day adn ehlp me close it.

I had some very awful dreams last night, my morning walk helped diffuse them. Wow! Now the morning power walk is met with the sunrise as we turned the clocks back, problem is, the sunset so early. Oh well.

We are looking at a week of 60-68 degrees---what a nice way to spend November.

Have a beauty-day,

dee

[hotrod]

Good morning Indigos

Bonnie so glad that all your precious children are on the way to recovery What a sweet picture of little Daniel . How fortunate they are to have you and Rich in their" Life Book"

Dee Wow I could see little Eri swirling around in he skating skirt at 2.5 and going forward. Stephen loved skating too. We began going to the Central Park rind when he was 4 and he was a natural It only cost .25 then for children. Wow what a wonderful cheap entertainment.

Trudi You are so right Since I lost Stephen I was / am now able to cut thru the issues that use to stop me.

My sister is home to recoup before additional surgery. I am going down tomorrow and am glad she is home

Crystal you were so gentle and kind with your decision to end your relationship but determined to go ahead Good luck.

Susannah I love the note you sent to your sister regarding your experiences with Stephenie. Let us know how she responds

Dan I loved the idea of all our angels there with Nick answering the telephone.

Betsy Hope the shopping was successful.

Giants and Jets won !!!

I have to run I do hope all Indigos have a Blessed day. hoam o

[heartbeataway]

Bonnie....

Actually while she was telling me about how nice all the people were that kept answering the phone I thought

of all the children on her just randomly answering the phone...(Crazy I Know)

Not weird at all Dan ....... if one of them said, "Yo!" it was Jay .......

[westleysmom]

Trudi-Your Grandies are so cute. It looks like you had a really good day. I know what you mean about being afraid to love too much, but I know that's no way to live.

Dan-If one of the people who answered the phone in your daughter's dream sounded like Bobby Hill on King of the Hill, I know who it was. Thanks for telling us about it and giving me a smile just thinking about our angels all together.

Betty-I am so uncoordinated, I could never ice skate. I could never even roller skate. It sounds so fun. I hope your sister is better soon.

Bonnie-I know I wonder how I got out the door in the morning when the kids were little. I guess that's why women usually have their babies while they're young women. You are a special person for doing what you can to help these babies. My hat is off to you.

Colleen-Have a great time with Marcia sitting on the beach. I hope it is peaceful and restful for you.

Kathy-The end is almost in sight for all your hard work painting and fixing. It will be so nice to be done, I"m sure.

Dee-Da Bears won? I didn't watch much football this weekend because the Titans had their bye. Hope you're able to finish kicking the cold this week during the warmish weather.

Crystal-Thinking of you as you start making changes in your life. The biggest change was forced on you, but these other changes maybe can help you to feel more in control.

Betsy-Westley was a rocker too, although he had listened to that horrible rap for several years during high school. They talk so nasty I can hardly listen to rap, but he listened to all kinds of rock lately. I still listen to the radio station he was listening most near the end. I know its crazy, but it makes me feel close to him. I think if he was here, he would be listening, too. A lot of what they play has been around for a while, not classic rock, but just songs that have been around for a while. When I hear something new, it makes me kind of sad, because I know he never heard that one. Especially if I think he would like it.

Susannah-I'm not much of a memory book maker. I had books for the kids and I think I wrote in them once or twice. I'm just not that much of a recorder (said the accountant) I have several journals that I started over the years that each have one or two pages written in them. They appreciate what you've done for them everyday. You're doing an amazing job for Stephanie's kids and for her.

Leah-Hope you are doing okay.

After a few days in the pit, I've had a couple of almost bearable days. I went to the cemetery yesterday and I never spoke a word. I cried, but I couldn't bring myself to break the silence. No one else came, which is normal. I think of you all and agree with you Dee. We are very brave and very strong. As Christopher Robin says to Pooh "You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." I don't know if that's exactly right, but its the gist of it.

[Crystal16]

Good morning my friends,

Trudi- I agree things change in your life when faced with a tragedy. I’m not sure what I want anyone except to take a year off and let God heal me from the inside out. The one thing I can be sure of is to focus on my other two kids needs and help them along with their healing.

Kathy- I’m anxious to move and get settled too, it seems ever since my divorce two years ago I’ve done nothing but move around “I swear I’m a gypsy.”

Rhonda- Yesterday I watched my New England Patriots embarrass themselves. I should have watched the Chicago Bears win.

Susannah- It seems lately I am starting to SEE things Ashlee has blessed me with, whether it’s how many lives she’s has touched, coming across pages and reading things she journaled, to feeling shes made changes in me from the inside out.

Kathy- Hang on for dear life… as this journey you are on is difficult and will change who you are forever

As stated many times, I enjoy reading each and every ones’ post and knowing we are doing life together!

[mikesmomrs]

Checking in here on BI, such a natural thing to do, such a healing thing to do..finding comfort, friendship...always here. My thanks to all of you, always, for your presence.

Bonnie: Your Dano is just adorable...or as Damon says about his little cousin, "He is just adoooooowable." So sorry that you had to go through the heartaching trip to the ER but glad that Dano had you there to comfort him...it does bring back many memories to many here. The first time I had to go there was with Ralph for what would be his first COPD hospitalization, just four months after Mike died. I was doing okay til I came out to the hallway to make a phone call and found myself right outside the door to the "Cancer Treatment Center" where Mike received all of his treatment....I don't know how I continued to make that phone call...I had no breath as it was sucked right out of me. I am glad you were able to be there for Dano...he seems to be such a sweet child, made sweeter I am sure by his care from you and Rich.

Susannah: I really love the note you wrote your sisters...your words are filled with love. I hope they know what a beautiful sister they have.

Betty: I loved ice skating when I was younger, but it didn't love me...my ankles just rebelled. I finally switched to the four wheels of roller skating and spent nearly every Friday night at the rink, whirling around in a land of fantasy that lived only in my head. I am glad you have such a beautiful place to be for your fantasy world... I am glad you are going to see her your sister...I went to see mine yesterday and we had a wonderful day together. She beat me yet again at Scrabble, though Ralph beat both of us!

Kathy: I still have some renovation work left here to do...do you think once you are rested you could come down and help refurbish our kitchen cabinets? You and Susannah could come at the same time and we could knock it out in no time!

Dan: Loved your daughter's dream and the sharing of it, also loved the idea of all of our angels being who answered the phone!

Leah: I am so glad that you have the vhs of JaBoa...did you know that you can take it somewhere and have it put onto a cd? It will also help to preserve it longer. We had all of our older Super 8 movies transferred and they actually fit onto one cd! We know need to get the VHS's done...lots of sorting out, first, though, as there are bits and pieces here and there on each of them.

Trudi: Having to be "back in the hills" is wonderfully sweetened by the presence of the grandies...for you and for them.. I do hope the weather warms up and stays that way soon...trips to the beach will lengthen for them, I am sure. By the way, I too love seeing the beautiful name of "Micheal Shane" when you sign in..

Betsy: Metallica was a favorite of Mike's, as well, of course...

Dee: I am so sorry that you endured terrible dreams...I hope the beauty of the unusually warm weather in November will help clear your head of their upsetting vibes, and give you sunshine, as well. I agree, greeting the sunrise in the morning is wonderful, but that early drop of the sun is something I don't care for... I am glad for you that you found the forgotten cd of Eri and her friends showing them having fun. Though bittersweet sometimes, those "finds" do help our heart to heal.

Rhonda: My life-long friend Rita, who died not long after Mike, was a Christopher Robin/Winnie the Pooh fan also...she gave me a small picture of the " "We'll be friends forever, won't we Pooh?" asked Piglet. "Even longer," answered Pooh."" We were friends for close to 50 years, and even in her physical absence, she is still my dearest friend. I am sorry that you've been in the pit, but please know that while you were physically alone at the cemetery, you were surround by all of us, standing there with you, unable to speak, but feeling the love of your beautiful son.

Crystal: I am glad that your decision brings you peace...it is so hard sometimes to make those difficult decisions and my hat goes off to you for believing in yourself and moving forward to what you feel is best for yourself and your children. Praying for ease in your transition.

Colleen and Marcia: may the sun warm you, and your hearts find even more healing as you spend this time together.

Karen: How are you doing?

I went to see my sister Dorothy yesterday, and brought to her the pictures of her children that I never knew before she didn't have copies of. The last time I was there, I told her of them, thinking she had copies of them, and I asked her if she would like to have the originals...I didn't even know I had them, and have no idea where I got them. She told me then that the only pics she had of her children were the school pictures that had been taken shortly before they died. I was truly shocked...I thought that our other family members had sent pics to her that they had, but apparently that was not so. (At the time they died, I had not spent much time at home since being married, and didn't have any pics of my own of her children.) Over this past week, I made copies of the originals and restored them on my photo program, as some of the originals were very faded and very light or very dark, and this was the envelope I handed her first and the first one she opened) I left the decision up to her as to whether she would open it then or later, and I was honored by her looking at them then and sharing the experience with me. She and I have always been closer to each other than any of our other sisters or brothers, but I have never felt closer to her than in those moments. The look on her face and the feelings that were felt and shared filled my heart. She looked at each of them many times, and then looked at the originals. Our hugs later in the afternoon as we parted were longer and tighter than ever. I can honestly say that this past year has seen more words about her children shared with me than in the past 38 years. (and I would not be surprised if it was more than she has shared with anyone at all.)

What we here all share is so very, very sad and heartbreaking, but we are all so fortunate in that we are allowed to speak of our losses, to share our pain and to heal together...this is just not something that was done in years past...once the "ceremonies" were over, the subject was not brought up again...a very painful way to grieve. I hope that in time to come, when such sorrow is felt, the doors will be opened even more than sharing them on a board with others who experience the same loss...I hope that others will speak openly of our loss and share openly our grieving. I pray.

Thank you all, for being here, for coming here, for extending your love and comfort and support...we are all so blessed to have each other.

I pray that you all have a sweet memory comfort your heart today.

love to all of my indigo friends, carol mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Hi INDIGOES-------I've been off BI for a few days, so a lot to catch up on.....I'll do my best.....

Shelly-------I am so very sorry for your loss of your sweet daughter, Sarah. You have found a good place to come to

and just read/post when you are able. I don't have to tell you that these early days on this journey are excruciating

and your sorrow can sweep over like a tidal wave.When I first came on BI 7 yrs. ago, a sweet lady named ARTINA, was

so kind and helpful. She had been in mourning for her lost son, Chris, for over 5 yrs. at the time. She is no longer on

BI, but she gave good advice. She said that BI and it's loving, grieving people have much to offer someone new (or not

so new).....She said it was like a toolbox, and that we should take the tools that are useful, and try to use them. If the

tool doesn't seem particularly useful to us to just take the ones we feel we can use. Each person will grieve in their own

way, and in their own time.

Please come back to BI. There's likely nowhere else that you could

go to anytime....day or night....and find people who know, firsthand, the ups and downs of this grieving road. Peace to you, friend

Susannah------You do write beautifully. Loved the story of your going to the library with your dear sister, Arlene, and picking

out a book that you read and reread, and fell in love with. It gave you a lifelong love of reading/writing which has helped

you on this terribly bumpy road we're all on. I, too, write.....but have had writer's block off & on for all these 7 years. If I

can't write much in my journal, I just write......."I Love You, Dave".

Rhonda------I agree with the others who offered advice on the upcoming holidays. They can be very trying to a hurting soul in

mourning for the loss of their child/children. As the others said, just try to do what you can do without over-extending

yourself, and to let your feelings be known if and when someone tries to rush you. This path is treacherous, and you must

take care of yourself. Peace & prayers.

Karen---On the subject of writing......many do find it helpful to pour out the feelings that may not find their way to verbalization

in the presence of others. As you say......there seems to be no words that are adequate to state how you feel. Give it it a little

time, then try again, and perhaps some words.....even a few will come to you to put down. Even a few words can help. I pray

that you will find some peace, friend.

Kathy-----Good to hear that B.J. is doing well. Thanks for the update.

Betty--------So nice to go and watch the NYC Marathon. The excitement in the air must be invigorating. Hope your sis is feeling better.

Sonya------So nice to see that smile that just sparkles---------Danielle's sweet smile.

Dee----------Thanks for the info on Olive leaf extract.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOES.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Hello all - I am home with Tavian today and we are having a lay around watch tv day....His cough is better but it has given him a headache, no fever but best to keep him home today and lots of fluids and rest. I did get some more packing done and felt like I should do some more but it is good to just be with Tav today.

Carol - I would gladly come help you finish the renovations - what a treat it would be. I think I could work with everyone here and feel very comfortable....it is sad though that I do not have that here, I have no one that I want to come and help me paint, prefer to be alone - there are plenty who would help me but I just do not want to deal with them. Lots of friends lined up to help us with the final move of boxes and furniture and that I am grateful for.

No I am not cooking Thanksgiving dinner...we will be at my mother-in-laws.....have been going there for years so I don't dare break the tradition. Barry did mention yesterday that maybe we can have it at our house next year and that sounds good to me. It would be nice to actually cook for Thanksgiving. We are looking forward to Christmas this year....Tavian is already talking about it and although it is still hard I cannot help but smile at his excitement. Can just imagine what will be on his list this year...he has already said he wants a flat screen tv for his room and lots of Lego's.

Was thinking about making a nice homemade soup but since the cabinets are empty that is not gonna happen...thank goodness Pea Pod comes tonight...

Well, Tavian wants to watch a movie so I will say good by and talk to all later. Kathy

Bonnie - I almost forgot....the new froggie blanket is almost done, had to put it aside for a bit while working on the house but it will be done soon and then you shall have 2.....sorry it has taken so long....

[mikesmum]

Deneace posted this link on FB. The song describes so much. I found another version with vocal from Amy Lee (Evenescene SP).

[kmb22]

Edit

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS/GALS...SURVIVED NASCAR YEST...DONT REALLY FEEL WELL TOO MUCH WIND I THINK...

WAS HOPING WE WOULD HAVE COUNCELING TONIGHT BUT I GUESS NOT...MONDAY WILL BE 3 YRS SINCE KOURTNEYS TUMOR BURST AND SHE SPOKE HER LAST EARTHLY WORDS...GONNA BE A RUFF DAY...WEEK MONTH....IS THERE ANY WAY TO SKIP THE DAMN HOLIDAYS?....WHAT DO YAL DO FOR THE "EMPTY STOCKING THAT YOU HAVE TO HANG OUT"...YOU CANT LEAVE IT IN THE BOX THATS NOT THE ANSWER????

I WAS GOING TO GET TO GO TO OKC AND SPEND THE NIGHT WITH KIMMY AND CODY WEDS BUT SHE GOT CALLED OUT OF TOWN...SO I GUESS I WILL GO GET MY CAR SERVICED AND COME HOME...THEY ARE N THE MIDDLE OF MOVING SO WE WILL SEE THEM SAT...THEY NEED KODY AND DADS MUSCLES...

WELL JUST LETTN YAL NO WERE HERE READING TAKE CARE ...LOVE MY BI FAMILY

[Guest msnher]

Karen - I became a contradiction of who I was after Stephanie died. I am not the same person. I don't believe the same things.

Like you, Kathy, the children are the reason I'm looking forward to the holidays. Last Thanksgiving we barely made it through. I want to create better memories for them than just sobbing through it.

Snow is in the forecast for tomorrow...

My head and mind are full.

Not in a good way.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aim630]

I haven't posted in a long time, but I come here and read your posts often. The next few months will be so hard to get through. Ashley first was hospitalized 11-14-09, her birthday is the day after Thanksgiving, and then of course Christmas. Last year at Christmas, it was hard because she was in a medically induced coma, but we told each other just wait till this Christmas, when we can laugh about how Ashley scared us so much the year before. We still have her stocking hung up from last year, filled with socks and lip gloss. Ashley always loved crazy socks, and she would wear mis-matched ones all the time. In fact, the day she entered the hospital, she was wearing 2 different Christmas socks.

I think sometimes the truth is just sinking in (after 7 months). I keep thinking, this can't be real, someone made a mistake.

I've had one dream about Ashley where I really feel she visited me. I've had a couple of others that she was in, but it did not seem like she was really there. I dreamed it was Christmas & she was here, and was mad I hadn't bought her any presents. I kept trying to tell her "Well, I didn't think you'd be here this year".

I'm sorry I didn't respond to anyone's individual post. I did read through the last few days.I noticed there were a couple of new members. Sorry that you are here, but this website will help a lot, knowing you're not alone.

Sorry for all you Patriots fans, but I'm a Browns fan, and no one was more surprised than me when they won yesterday! We don't get very many wins as Cleveland fans.

Take care,

Amy, Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Amy - It's good to see Ashley's face. I don't even know what to say. I so wish your Ashley (and all our angels) could show up and we could explain why we didn't have presents for them. Hugs to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Going to bed, very tired but wanted to say hi to Everyone, and a big hug to Amy who we have not seen but have thought about ...glad to see you here Amy. I sure do understand that dream/visit. I know that at this point in your journey, it seems like you are hanging on the edge of disbelief and the cruel facts of this tragedy. I am holding you as you move through the depths of so much sadness. Hang on Amy as that Girl of Yours is blessing you and her Sis each day with her love.

Love,

dee

[nicksdad]

Deneace Jason and Family

[rlolheiser]

hello to all my BI friends. I am working on staying in up moods, I need to for everybody around me. the social worker was here again to speak with my grandaughter, she handled everything pretty well, I could tell she was aggravated because she started acting up, it seems to be her way of getting around the world, the naughtier she is, she can change the subject she doesn't want to talk about. She did tell the social worker that she doesn't want her mother back with her boyfriend. My daughter tells me she will respect her wishes, but I have this fear that she just says words.. I guess only time will tell. But the social worker again told us that she thinks there will be no services.. but it seems they are there to torture us and worry us.. I want to quit fearing that the grandkids will be taken out of the house... I know I shouldn't worry.. but I do.. I guess it is just an old habit that is hard to break.

Amy.. I so remember all those feeling your having.. and the only words I can tell you is that time helps.. I still have a lot of those feelings.. often even, we just learn how to deal with our new lives.. I pray you are given strength especially through the holiday seasons. your words put a smile on my face imagining your Ashley with her mis matched socks ;-)

Lorri, hugs to you my friend, thinking of you at this difficult time and remembering Kourtney.. may her love get you through all your hard days.

Karen, your words echo in my mind, so many I have heard from others and so many I have said myself. I know how it feels like we can't handle what is given to us.. I keep telling myself and others that.. but our angels don't give us choice.. we have to handle it.. we love our angels so we go on to ensure nobody does forget them.. here they will always be remembered and treasured as they should be.

Kathy, it is hard when our little ones don't feel well..:-) you are so wonderful with your boy..

Sherry, I agree.. writing comes and goes with me too.. sometimes the words flow..but usually... it is a lot like you.. I love JaBoa is the best a can do at times..Susannah does have a way with her words, I sure enjoy reading her posts.

Carol, I didn't realize that VHS could be put on dvd.. I will have to look into it.. I sure do love watching it, thank you for the information.

Crystal, it is so good to see your posts and get to know you.

Rhonda, I am doing well.. I can't afford to stay down to long at a time. sometimes I feel I want to stay there.. I can hide from the rest of the world, but to much rides on my shoulders, and in a way it is good.. cause it makes me keep going.. I hope you too find more days that are bearable.

Betty, I am glad your sister is going alright, I hope things continue to go well for her, and for you too..

Dee, I hope the bad dreams quit. I guess this site is a lot of our opening and closing of our days.. I have to come read even if I don't post.

Bonnie, Your such a wonderful blessing to Daniel, and he to you. Asthma is scarey.. I know one of my grands has extremely bad asthma and all the nights in the hospital with her.. my prayers are with you.

I hope I addressed everything that was on my mind.. I guess I will remember after I push send..(I still say it is old age) :-) Have a peaceful night my friends.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I can only type for a short time I am down in my sisters and am using a neighbors computer.

Carol I was so very moved by how you searched for the pictures of your sister's children. Retouched them with such tender care and then presented them to her in your own quiet manner The way you described her response was beautiful. In D's own words you are adooooorable .I liked roller skating as well It was warm in doors and you could wear cute skirts. and not freeze.

Leah I have you and your family in my prayers I know how hard these days are with CWS visiting. when I feel fear I do pray and come here for support.

Trudie & MD Loved the Music I felt it all and agree

Sherry your words to Karen about writing and the importance of expressing where we are even if we only have a few words, really spoke to me Many days I cannot go to the pain I feel or find the words that can express it I do find just coming and connecting helps lift it somehow

.

Rhonda I am so sorry for the sadness you felt on Sunday visiting Westley I also love Christopher Tobins and Pooh . I know that we are all stronger, smarter and braver than we know

, Crystal, Karen Amy, I am so sorry that you are in this early pain Coming here and reading does help me feel supported and cared for.

Betsy Metallic concerts were one of Stephen's favorite groups after the Boss that is

Bonnie I hope your little charges are recovering today Prayers on the way

Dee Do hope you have wonderful peaceful restful sleep tonight you so deserve it.

Susannah Has your sister responded to your email yet It was a beautiful presentation

Good Night Indigos Will not be back until Friday

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: Just checking in and saw your post and your question about the "empty stocking." What we did that first year, which was just over two months since Mike passed, we hung up the stocking (we would have closed the door on Christmas, but for the Mike's boys and our other grandies...that would have been a tragedy for them.) We decided to write notes to Mike and put them in the stocking. On Christmas, when we all opened our stockings (we have the tradition of opening them after Christmas dinner, when everything has settled down) we each reached into Mike's stocking and took a few notes and read them aloud. If anyone got their own and couldn't read it, then someone else read it for them. We had a comforting hour with our thoughts of Mike being voiced and memories shared. We have continued this tradition...it really does help and everyone looks forward to it.

To those so recent from their loss, these holidays are like a huge mountain we feel we will need to climb, with no climbing equipment or strength to do it. Mike died on Oct 14, and of course, Christmas was just over two months after that. Mike left three young boys and a young wife behind...Sarah was devastated, of course, and the boys were "lost and empty." So we shared the day...Sarah came and brought Damon (who was just turned two), and the other two boys came the same day...they all stayed overnight and we had Christmas with them in the morning, which was actually the morning of Christmas eve. It was difficult, tough, heartbreaking, breath-sucking at times, but I believe our angels are right there with us, giving us strength, pulling us to our feet...they do not want to see us giving up on life, they want us to live it, to honor their lives, but I think they understand when we just can't do it at that moment, and they are very patient. So, we do what we can and what we can't, we try to let go of. I wish you peace and calm over these holidays...the moments when you are shaken, you must give yourself permission to feel the shakiness...you have earned that right, and paid a very high price for it...do what you feel comfortable with...let the tears flow if they come...tears are healing. We are all with you in spirit and thought.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Carol - an amazing gift you have given your sister. Not just the photos but the freedom to speak of the children she loves and lost.....you are one heck of a lady....but of course, you're Mikesmomrs.

[ericasmom]

I agree with Trudi and the others Carol, an amazing gift to your Sis, what a wonder it must be for her to finally be able to be open about the children in her life. The loves of her life. You've a very good heart.

Betty, love that you and Stephen skated at Central Park for a quarter back in the day. Lovely. Thanks for your good thoughts, and you too Leah. Had some more disturbing dreams last evening, but not as upsetting in the night.

slept a lot.

a good day to all,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Leah - I so understand the anxiety of worry surrounding your grandchildren being taken every time a Child service worker shows up. And, I understand the worry that your daughter could go back to her old lifestyle. As parents we worry about our children and the choices they make. We try to redirect their course of self destruction. It's difficult to watch them choose a path that has only negative consequences. Our fears, pain and even hope turn to panic as we watch them bring innocent children into the equation, subjecting them to all kinds of horror. It is the most powerless of feelings. As we scream for them to wake up to what they're doing we also reach out the loving maternal hand of encouragement, hoping we can save our child and our grandchildren. For us the solution is so clear........our child needs to straighten up, change their lives, make better choices, grow up, take responsibility....etc. Been there done that. Gary and I fought so hard to save out grandchildren and we finally won we looked at each other and said, "S*$#! We're raising these kids!" The alternative wasn't an option but our chances of winning were zero win we began. Trying to prepare myself to lose everyday was absolute stress. I just want you to know I know where you're coming from.

Carol - I agree with everyone else...you are a special woman. How I wish you and your sister didn't have to share the bond of tragedy in your lives but I'm grateful she has you to help smooth some of the pain.

I heard something yesterday that makes sense to me. I'm sorry, I don't recall the name off the top of my head. The man whose wife and children were murdered a few years ago answered a question after the murderers were sentenced yesterday. I think they asked him if the sentence brought closure for him. Not a direct quote..."There is no such thing as closure. Whoever said that is an imbecille. What you have is a huge hole with jagged ages....in time the edges smooth out, but the hole will always be there."

I'm slacking on the job of parenting my grandchildren. Pure laziness. I haven't allowed them to join the afterschool clubs this year because I don't want to be driving everywhere all the time. And, I didn't read the newsletter so I missed signing up for the hero breakfast tomorrow morning. Dead line was Nov 1st. This week is the book fair. Tonight is family night. I don't want to do it!!!!!!!!!!! I find myself resenting always having somewhere to go, something to clean, books to read.............I don't read enough to them. Jonathon's kindergarten teacher "encouraged" me to be better about helping Jonathon with his homework. He's in kindergarten for Pete's sake!!! It's not that I don't read to the kids, it's that I don't fill out the damn paper saying I read to them! Three kids. Three forms. I hate to write. Period.! I mean, I hate to write longhand. It hurts my wrist (arthritis) so I rarely write anything I can't type. I got a note home saying to make sure I send hats, gloves and coats and make sure the kids are dressed appropriately. Okay. The note wasn't to ME personally...it was to all the parents........... We have a huge container of hats and gloves. I make sure the kids are dressed appropriately and their hats with hats and gloves every morning. The kids leave them in their backpacks during recess!!

I'm just complaining about being a parent. I hope my grandkids survive us. We are tired, forgetfull and impatient...

IT'S SNOWING.....

Susannah/STephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

Hello Indigo family,

Dan- I love the picture and memorial of your son Nick. If you don’t mind me asking how did he pass away?

Leah- I pray you have peace when that Social Worker comes around your home and not worry about losing your grand babies

Carol- I absolutely love your stocking tradition to Mike it gives the family time to talk, remember and get anything else they need to share off their minds with those notes. I would love to start the same tradition/tribute to Ashlee… By the way, Mike’s angel anniversary date is Ashlee’s birthday.

Dee- Lately my dreams seem to be violent also like I’m fighting something. Last night I dreamt I was pregnant again and there was a bad car accident and I saw myself lying on the ground watching people surround me as I walked away!

My oldest daughter, Brytney has been extremely upset lately and she told me today to stop bringing up her sister Ashlee name/memories around her. It broke my heart I talk and think about Ashlee every minute…

Well I should get back to work but I was thinking of all you!

[4everjoeysmom]

Denise - Thinking of you and the boys today on BJ's 2nd year angel date. HUGS!!!

Sue - Thinking of you and remembering Michelle's birth 26 years ago today. HUGS!!!

.............

[ericasmom]

DENISE- my love and hope for you as you face this day. BJ is loving you from his heavenly home, loving and honoring you in all he does.

Sue, I miss you. Hope that your day is filled with the love of SHELLBELL.

[ericasmom]

Sue, I read the same report about the ABSOLUTE EVIL MAN that tortured and killed that family in Connecticut. The Father of the murdered girls and husband to the murdered woman said that whoever came up with the idea that there would ever be closure is an imbecile. LOVE THAT! He did describe so well that the hole in his heart and soul will always be present, it is a jagged hole, and while the edges do get a bit smoother, the hole is there for good.

My heart aches for him, knowing the horror his family and he went through.

As far as school and notes home...I know it must be hard, I try to send home notes on one day so that they don't dribble in. One reason that this is harder for you is that you are not only older and have done this already with your own children, but you are grieving and both of those issues make one less able to respond accordingly. I would say that signing up for after school clubs sounds important as we teachers look to see that kids are feeling connected to school. I s there a homework club that the kids can attend to get started after school on their homework? We have one three days a week, but it only services 3-5th graders. If you cannot face all the driving, then you can't. Jonathan can read into a tape recorder after school and then you can listen with him later and help him with pronunciation or inflection or with the sound our voices make when we use the period in our reading. He can go on STARFALL.com to do some reading work too, letting you have time to work with the others. I don't know how in the world I would balance three kids now at this point in my life. I don't know that I could, so look at the things you know you have to do, write them down and the time it takes to do them, and then see what is left of the day and see if there are some extras like clubs or skating or what have you, to do after school.

[shorty16]

Deneace,

Sending warm huggs to you and your family on this 2nd angelversary of your son, BJ.

Colleen

[Crystal16]

I want to scream and throw things… Ethan is falling 8^th grade again due to being angry and hates being at school. I grounded him and won’t let up until the grades start to show some kind of improvement. Needless to say, my ex husband is not supportive he calls Ethan an F---up and even texted me he wished it had been Ethan who was shot and not Ashlee. The ex says, I can’t stand to be around him… Ethan is lazy and he’ll be nothing in life but a bum. I am so beside myself I can’t even focus! Dave doesn’t want anything to do with his son so I’m a mom and a dad to him but to Ethan I’m the bad guy. He hates me and thinks I’m too hard on him “are you kidding” he stayed back because of his inexcusable behavior and not caring about his schooling!

[ModKonnie]

I want to scream and throw things… Ethan is falling 8^th grade again due to being angry and hates being at school. I grounded him and won’t let up until the grades start to show some kind of improvement. Needless to say, my ex husband is not supportive he calls Ethan an F---up and even texted me he wished it had been Ethan who was shot and not Ashlee. The ex says, I can’t stand to be around him… Ethan is lazy and he’ll be nothing in life but a bum. I am so beside myself I can’t even focus! Dave doesn’t want anything to do with his son so I’m a mom and a dad to him but to Ethan I’m the bad guy. He hates me and thinks I’m too hard on him “are you kidding” he stayed back because of his inexcusable behavior and not caring about his schooling!

Is there an alternative program that he could be enrolled in through his school that may offer some help? What about any type of counseling through school? Why is Ethan angry? Does he hate school because he has unaddressed problems in school? Is he being bullied?

You certainly have your plate full right now. I can't believe his father would say such a hateful thing, but he may be just speaking out in a horrible, wrongly-directed anger. Your son doesn't hate you--he's just lashing out through his own pain and misery. Have you tried to talk to Ethan when he is calm and receptive, or do you both end up shouting?

I've had rounds with my own son over his education. I stood firm like you and made him work. He started college early, and he's now doing better.

ModKonnie

[daveydow1]

Karen---I agree......our feelings do change from minute-to-minute. We can feel ok in the a.m., but by noon,

we can be teetering on the edge of that dark place we've been in before. I sometimes try to go to my

journal to write, and my mind just does not cooperate. I know what I feel, but just cannot put it down on

paper. I had found some writing that Dave did in the months before he died, and the expression of the

words was that he was unhappy. It makes me feel so terrible that I did not know it.....and may have been

able to help if I had known. Davey kept a lot of his feelings to himself.....that's the way he was. So, when

you try to write, and in so much sorrow and the words won't come,........just say "I love you Shawn).

Lorri----Oh friend, I know how you feel about the holidays. We feel like just skipping it altogether, but

we go through the motions for others because there is the expectation that we will. Such a difficult

and heartbreaking time for you, with the anniversary of sweet Kourtney's entrance into the hospital.

Hang on, Lorri,......come to BI when you can. Thoughts & Prayers.

Amy-----Good to see you back on BI. Peace & comfort.

Dee---Sorry about your unsettling dreams. Hope you have a real nice dream with ERz soon........ERz with her

pink clothes, dreads, and cute smile.

Carol----What a perfectly sweet thing to do.......have everyone write notes to Mike and place them in his stocking......then

have each person read a note. Mike surely smiles & smiles when you have this dear little ceremony, and the boys

will always remember it.

Betty------As others here have said,.......coming to BI just has a way of helping the grieving soul feel better-----even if it

is only a little bit. Baby steps......that's how we get moving on this lousy road we're on. Oh,....so Stephen liked Metallica

too. (do I have that right?)......That was one of Dave's fav bands, and he went to see them once with his older brother, Chris.

He loved those 'headbanger' groups.....'hair bands' (or whatever)

Thinking of you , Deneace ......today......Dear B J's Angelversary.

Crystal---I'm so sorry you are having such a time with your son, Ethan, and your ex is no help whatsoever. I hope that

Ethan does not hear what his dad says about him. Sending prayers that things will somehow improve. Come to BI and

keep us updated. Thoughts and prayers.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - I don't blame you for wanting to scream and throw things. I wish I was there....I'd hand you things to throw as you screamed. I also don't blame your son for being angry. Of course he's angry. My kids had to go back to school one week after their mother died. We thought it best to try to keep things as normal as possible for them. Ya. Right. Still, Family services were calling the shots and we were fighting to get custody of them, now more than ever, and the state said they had to go to school...so off to school they went. School and counseling. 2 1/2 weeks after Stephanie died Jonathon's counselor voiced the concern that Jonathon seemed rather distracted lately. THE COUNSELOR!!! I said "His mother, my daughter, died 2 1/2 weeks ago....I'm a little distracted myself. Perhaps you could cut him some slack." He just nodded. I probably had that tone in my voice that said "You want a piece of THIS!?"

Your ex husband is voicing his grief in ways that are harmful and that he will no doubt regret in the years to come. Your son is expressing his grief in destructable ways. What else is he supposed to do. What is his father supposed to do? And, dear, sweet mother of Ashlee..........what are you supposed to do? You can't fix it. You can't heal the relationship between your ex and your son. You can't heal the pain they are going through. You have your own pain you are going through. What you can do is keep the lines of communication open between you and your son. Seek help for both of you. And, pray.

I'm so sorry you are going through this!!!!! I'm so sorry! How I wish I was there for you

Hugs and much love! Susannah

[summergirl]

Deneace - my thoughts are with you and your family on this Bj's 2nd Angelversary. Feel his presence surround you and look to the stars tonight as he will be shinning brighter then all others....

[Guest msnher]

First snow.....

On a better note, following the suggestion of the kid's school principal, I signed the kids up for the boys and girls club today. They offer after school activities at the school - including homework corner. And, since the other clubs the kids are interested in are held at the school, they will also be able to join clubs and then go to the girls and boys club (in the gym). So, problem solved. Homework, clubs, tutoring....taken care of in one shot. This morning I asked the principal for a few minutes of her time and cried on her shoulder. "I'm failing my kids!" I said. She was great. I expected a kick in the butt to get me motivated, but that isn't what I got. Instead she gave me validation and support and an alternative answer. I must admit that although I feel guilty for paying someone else to do something I seem to be too lazy to do, I am quite relieved! I told her how hard we fought for the kids and now that we have them I resent it. "My house is never clean and my house was always clean. My house is never quiet. I feel like there is always something to do...somewhere to go and when I do have time at home I sit and stare at it and hate myself." She just listened. "I don't like who I've become." I told her.

I don't know if I could have spoken so freely with anyone else. This woman whom we credit for saving our grandkids in the first place. She had reported the kid's dad and his girlfriend to the authorities 9 times in the two months Mariah had been enrolled in her school before the state finally did something. We didn't know where our grandchildren were (Stephanie didn't know where her children were) for over a year and to find out Mariah had been going to the school just down the street from us shocked us all. The girlfriend (their abuser and sexual perpetrator) was calling all the shots. When she allowed the kids to go to school she put them in separate schools. We would soon find out the other two schools had also complained to the authorities. But this principal....she wouldn't back down. Of course, she didn't trust me too much when she first met me either. I understood and did not hold that against her at all. I invited her to our home any time....just to drop by without calling, so she could see for herself where they lived and how they were now being treated. She and the other school principals, the school counselors and the teachers from all three schools would testify in the civil trial. I know most of you have heard this story many times. Anyway, it turned out to be a blessing in disguise that we didn't know where the children were for over a year because Tina blamed the sexual abuse on Stephanie and me. Which, of course was and is absurd, but we didn't even have to come up with a defense because we didn't know where the children were. Stephanie was in treatment IN IOWA during the time Tina blamed her. Then, she (Tina) blamed the schools for beating the kids up and causing the bruises. All three schools, mind you. Then she blamed the school bus driver.

Well..........I got on a rant, didn't I? Anyway, this principal literally saved our grandchildren's lives. And, although she didn't trust me, at first, she was on our grandchildren's side and that made us fond of her from the beginning.

And, tonight, I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. I know it's my responsibility to do what I'm going to pay someone else to do, but I'm grateful!

Thanks for listening!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

CHRYSTAL...IM SO SORRY YOUR OTHER CHILDREN ARE HAVING SUCHA HARD TIME...POOR LIL GUYS..IF WE CANT UNDERSTNAD IT HOW CAN THEY...HUGS MY FRIEND...

THANKS FOR THE IDEAS OF THE NOTES..I KINDA SORTA DID IT THE FIRST YR BUT SEEMED NO ONE REMEMBERED TO WRITE ANYTHING BUT ME....SO I THINK I MAY JUST "PLAY HOT STOCKING"...WHO EVER HAS THE STOCKING TELLS OF THEIR FAVORITE OR FUNNY MEMORY OF KOURTNEY OR HOW HER DEATH HAS CHANGED THEM, OR WHAT EVER THAY WOULD LIKE TO SHARE....IDK YET...FRIKN HATE IT,,,,

I DID HOW EVER GO TO WALGREENS TODAY AND THEY HAVE LIL ANGELS FOR LIKE $2 THAT LITE UP...MONTY SAID IT LOOKED REALLY NICE WHEN HE WENT OUT THERE LATER THIS EVENING...

WANTED TO SHARE A PIC...TODAY AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET I NOTICED WE WERE PRESENTED A PLAQUE FROM UNITED WAY IT SAID "2010 PACESETTER KOURTNEYS KLOSET" MADE ME CRY MY GIRL GOT SOME REGOGNITION...AFTER I QUIT CRYING I NOTICED ON THE RADIO WAS A SONG I PLAYED AT HER 2ND ANGELVERSERY "BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL".....SHE SAW THE PLAQUE AND LIKED IT...

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's,

Crystal - I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain - sure wish I was there with you to help you through. The anger your son is going through is so normal when you have experienced the loss as he has, he does not know what to do with all the anger, the hurt, the saddness and being a boy / man it sounds as though he is having a hard time "talking" about it all. Is your son open to therapy ?? sounds like he could really use it. As for you ex - shame on him - no matter what you are still a parent and you do everything you can for your child....I totally understand how you feel though as I have been through that with my hubby and my son, my husband gave up on him and they did not talk for a very long time....my husband said terrible things about him to me and it broke my heart but I could not change it, things are much better now so never give up. I hear the fustration in your post and I know that you are hurting so badly, you have so much on your shoulders - I really hope your son considers therapy and it would be best if you could go together also. I am sending you big hugs and prayers.

Well, I took Tavian to the doctor today and it is not a cold...they have diagnosed him with asthma !!! They gave him a nebulizer treatment and a shot of steriods in the office. She let me listen to his breathing and I was shocked at the amount of rasping and ratteling that was going on inside of him....She said he was having diffaculty breathing and she really wants to get it under control as soon as possible and then we will take it from there. So off to the pharmacy for a nebulizer and 4 different medicines. We did a treatment at 6:30 and he sounds better already...not coughing as much but still raspy. We have to be back at the doctor at 8 tomorrow morning as she wants to see how well the treaments are working. I was so upset, I cannot believe that I thought it was just a cold, I should have taken him sooner - I know I cannot beat myself up but my heart and mind battle on that one. The fear I feel is just so much more since we lost Jessica....things that I would have said "oh, we can handle this" now bring me to my knees with fear of it being so much more. All I want to do is hold him in my arms and protect him from everything and knowing I cannot scares the hell out of me... I AM STRONG, I CAN DO THIS, I HAVE ALL OF YOU.......

I am very tired but the doctor said that Tavian will probably be wired after the treatment so I may be up for a few hours longer then I like but whatever it takes. I love you all and pray that all find a bit of peace and strength this night....love, Kathy

[aim630]

Crystal-I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your ex. You don't need him to say those things while you are grieving over Ashlee, and so worried about your son. I don't blame you for wanting to scream and throw things. When it hits me really hard-I feel the urge to just kick something as hard as I can. The amount of stress you are under is overwhelming. I wish I had some answers, but I don't. As someone else suggested, maybe try talking to your son when he is calm, and not when you are both upset about him not doing his homework. My daughter doesn't say much about her sister, but I know how hard it is for her.

Lorri-So glad you got some recognition for Kourtney, and you got a sign from her showing how much she liked it! I wish I had some signs from Ashley, but maybe I'm not looking hard enough.

Carol-I love the idea of the stocking with notes. We might try that this year.

Susannah-I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed with your grandchildren. It's a lot of work, and we forget how hard it was to juggle it all when we were younger. Add to that the grief you feel, and the sadness because Stephanie can't be here herself. I'm sure the grandkids will be fine, and glad you found a solution. The principal sounds like a great lady to keep fighting for the best for your grandchildren. I have 4 step-grandkids (with one more on the way), and with a 17 yr old, I had forgotten how much attention & supervision they need when they are little, and as much as I love them, I'm always a little glad when they go home. You are doing this full-time now.

On a side note-my stepdaughter Nikki is due in February with her 2nd. She is naming her Sofia Elizabeth. (Elizabeth was Ashley's middle name).

Dee- sorry that you are having bad dreams. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight!

Thanks to all of you who have been here for awhile for helping us that are going through the holidays for the first time without are angels.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Sus, many parents pay others to do just that, and they are raising their own kids and have not already raised a family, not to mention, kids whose needs are much bigger than a kid who has not gone through so much. So stop feeling guilty. Hell, while I had a daycare in my home when the kids were little, I paid a woman to tutor Eri because she and I locked horns over academics, I simply was not the best person for the job with my own KID! That is how it works sometimes. Now the kids will have social time with others, and homework time, and snack, and when they come home, the house will have been quiet, dinner will be cooking and you will feel more calm at the evening routine. I am so glad that you did this.

SNOW? Yikes.

Lorri, how cool is that plaque? I am so glad that your Girl and the efforts in her name have been recognized in this way. WHOO-HOO.

Crystal, the pain you must be feeling with your young Son going through so much turmoil and his Dad putting so much dislike into his words...I fully agree that your Boy needs some help. Nobody can deal well with the tragic end of a siblings life. That it was a violent end also adds to his angst, to his confusion, not to mention his father's negativity and his own going through puberty. He probably has some learning issues that slipped through the cracks and by this time in his life, when there is so much emotional chaos, he simply cannot do school. Is there a way to have a private tutor provide your Son what he needs at home or at the library each day rather than attending school? The district is supposed to pay for home schooling when a child is injured so can you make the case for his need to be in a less stimulating situation and work from home? If not, check into tutors to work with him a few times per week at home or the local library. Look online at programs and websites that could also assist him in areas of concern.

Johnniesmathpage.com

is a website that has math from k-8 on it in game format. Call the social worker form his school tomorrow or email her tonight and tell her you feel this situation is an emergency. Tell her the out-of-control issues iwth Dad, and the lack of care from your Son, your worries about him with the whole grief process...someone should be stepping up to the plate here. Has a social worker even begun to see him at school? He more than likely needs to see a therapist privately too, and while I know this sounds expensive, see if he is carried on his Dad's insurance or yours for therapy. Many plans pay up to a certain amount in a year. YOur attending therapy with him can get the ball rolling for him and for you. You are only one human, and you are grieving the loss of a lifetime, you cannot do it all by yourself. Nobody can or should. If finances are an issue, there are sliding scale family therapists in most towns. My hope for you and your Son, may you find ways to feel more peaceful.

[mikesmomrs]

Deneace...our thoughts are with you...so very sorry I did not post this earlier...just got back from a meeting. May you feel the presence of your beautiful son today, and always.

Sue: Shellsbells is with you, and we are with you today, holding you close, sending love and strength. always.

Sus: I agree with Dee...you are older now, and this is not the normal path as we get older...you are doing what you can, when you can, and that is all you can do. I know that some days there are not enough hours...I also know that I could not do as you are doing...hubby and I were discussing redoing our lives today...I said that I would like to be in my 40's again, but I could never go through the responsibilities and face the changes in the kids again...I would want them to stay 3, 11 and 14 forever, and that wouldn't be fair. I pray you strength, my dear, I pray you strength. Lord, please give this marvelous woman what she needs to carry out her days...help her to find her way through the tangle of the responsibilities and pulls of her time and love...send her strength. [addendum---Sus...wow, that prayer was answered before it was even said! We were both posting at the same time and I just now checked back to see if I had missed anything I wanted to address, and saw your new post. Yay, yay, and yay again!!! So glad that you have found that help and the kids will benefit from it for sure. But, the prayer still stands, because even with the help, you still need strength to do what you do!]

Crystal: I too am so very sorry you are having to go through this...I feel so bad for your son that his dad is dismissing him like that...such a cruel thing to say...I hope that Ethan did not hear it. I pray you strength, too, that you will find a solution to helping Ethan realize how important his education is and how important is the part that he plays in it. I say the same prayer for you as I said for Sus, and I hope it is answered as quickly as it was for Susannah!

Lorri: So very glad for the recognition for Kourtney's Kloset...hooray for you...you know that she is so very proud of all you've done to carry out this idea. I like the "hot stocking" idea too. Could do both, I guess. Amy: So good to see beautiful Ashley's smile...Our thoughts will be with you over this time, as well.

Karen: I am glad you don't have to go to work right now...we all know about that mask...it is worn often, and sometimes we just want to pull it off. I hope you have an easy time of it when you are ready to rejoin the work force.

Sherry: Hey to you, glad to see your smiling Davey's face and hear words from you.

Trudi: When do you go back to the beach...you told me, but I forgot right at this moment...anyway, I hope you have a good trip and the ocean greets you with a huge wave in the shape of a smile.

Kathy: Sorry you had to make the trip for Tavian, but so glad they put a name on it...just sorry that it wasn't something simple...glad, though that you now know and know what to look for and be ready for. Tough and scary, I know, (Kim's youngest, Rachel has severe asthma) but Jessica is there with you, always. The fear is normal, you wouldn't be you without fearing for Tavian's safety...he is blessed to have you and Barry in his life, as you are blessed to have him...but you already know that, don't you...kisses and hugs to Tav...not in reality, because he may not like the "kissy" stuff anymore, but virtually!

There are so many on the board right now...I just looked at the bottom to reread a post, and saw six of us! Wow!

I wish all a good night, and those I have missed addressing, you are all in my thoughts and prayers, every day.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Kath, many kids do get hyped from Asthma meds, so put a movie in or something so that you can sleep near him if he is awake. Don't beat yourself up, the symptoms of both are very similar, it is hard to know, and it may be that he has asthma brought on by a viral cold.

Sleep well,

goodnight All, loving you all, hoping for good sleep for everyone.

[kmb22]

Edit

[Guest msnher]

I love you people!! Thanks for all the help and prayers!

Crystal - I was just wondering if there is help for the victim's family in Florida? Perhaps you could ask the DA that's prosecuting the case. I can't remember what it's called. Victims advocacy, maybe? Maybe they have a program to help pay for counseling.

Thanks again everyone,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's,

Again, thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and wisdom yesterday! Dee, do you like it when parents volunteer in your classroom or is it more of a distraction? I want to volunteer in Mariah's classroom once a week...just for an hour or so. I showed up unannounced yesterday...........an open invitation was issued at the beginning of the year........but, I'm not sure how much help I was. Mariah loved it! Mrs Russell had to tell her to stay calm. Last night Mariah said she wished I could be there everyday.

Oh dear! I just saw the time. Today their school is honoring grandparenst and veterans by serving us all breakfast. Better get moving. I will catch up with you all later.

Colleen - thinking of you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

OMG, Crystal - That is just how Trevor's Mom talked to him. Belittled, called him names, WOW

I don't even know what to say other than, given Ethan a hug and tell him you love him. And if he pulls away, hug him even harder.

Your husband is taking the easy road. It is easy to throw your hands up and call it a wash. And to say what he said about "It should have been Ethan" - A real Man does not say that.

My prayers are with you in this.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shellyku]

Good Morning everyone! I am writing because I don't know what else to do right now. I just left work because

I couldn't pull it together. Today is 12 weeks that Sarah passed away and I don't know where to go with this

grief I'm feeling. I MISS HER SO MUCH I feel like my guts are going to fall out. My husband seems to be

handling his grief better than I am...he cries as soon as his feet hit the floor in the morning. He'll cry while

at home, but once he gets to work it's all business. We work together, postal workers are we, so I see him

in the office before we go out to our respective mail routes. At work, I seem to fall apart I believe because that

is where I most often talked to Sarah. If she was in the hospital or at home, I would step outside around 8:45 AM

to call or text her to see how she was feeling on that particular day. On my mail route, I would talk to her also.

I have trouble being there. I only have 5 years to retire from the post office so I feel like I should stay, but I want

to quit tomorrow!

I'd like to tell you all a bit about Sarah. She is our first born and our Jill came 26 months later. Sarah was always

a very shy child especially in school but had a few close girlfriends in school. When she entered high school she

liked a few boys but never really got the guy. She was a cheerleader and very smart and eventually got in with the

popular crowd. Sarah always knew she wanted to be a teacher and went on to college and got her elementary

education certification. Had a few permanent sub positions but never got that contract every teacher strives for.

In her 3rd year of teaching, she got a position at the middle school she attended as a reading specialist. In the

meantime, she starting dating a boy from the neighborhood and they fell in love and got engaged. Sarah moved

in with Andy, who by this time had bought in grandparents' home 2 blocks from our house. They were planning

a St. Lucia destination wedding on July 10, 2010. As I believe I mentioned in my initial post, it was 2 weeks into

Sarah's 2009 school year when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. Since they were told Sarah would not be

able to travel to St. Lucia because she would still be undergoing treatment, they got married in her hospital room

on December 10, 2009 because they didn't want to wait any longer. Sarah was in the hospital the whole month

of December, including Christmas Day, because she was dealing with fevers from an unknown cause. From

then on it was in and out of hospitals for either treatment, fevers, spinal taps, pneumonia etc. What breaks my

heart, among many other things, is that Sarah did not see the outside of a hospital room for 7 weeks before she

passed away. I am numb.

Thank you all for listening. I will post a picture of Sarah when I learn how. I would like you all to see her because

I know you will think she is beautiful just as we do. Peace to all of you in your journey. Shelly