Loss of an Adult Child

[daniellemom]

Hello everyone - again I'm not posting as I use to and can't figure out why. I find myself in a black hole and can't seem to get out.

Carol - I cried as I read your story about the church service. I'm sorry and I can only pray that your Father will try to find a change in the service not only for you but other.

Sus - Your writings are wonderful I wish I could write like that. As everyone knows I write like I talk and that is not a good thing, country is just the tip of the iceburg.

Dee - Glad you are feeling a little better these days. I continue to pray for your Jon that he finds so much happiness he can hardly stand it.

Kathy - I wish I could come and help with the move and painting. How is BJ doing?

Betty - Prayers for your sister and you traveling to see her. I don't think I could drive by Stephens house either. We do what we can and what we can't we don't.

Rhonda - Please with the holidays coming don't commit to too much. Tell them you will do what you can but they should not really count on you for anything. Don't tell them you will cook anything you may wake up that morning and not be able to do anything. You may wake up and feel like cooking the whole meal. With this your 1st for everything, let your family know you will do what you can and feel like it. You may go and stay minutes and have to leave. You may go and not want to leave. We never know how it's going to hit us. Maybe include Wesley with a candle at the empty spot. I'm thinking of you and praying, and know that what ever you decide Wesley will be right there with you. Every step of the way.

Ashlee's Mom - It's nice that you read Ashlee's writings. It always brings a smile to my face when I see Danielle's written words and what she thought about the world.

Betsy - Glad your aunt is on the mends. Also that you and your brother have open up the communications about your Dad.

Lynn - I'm glad your visit went well with your cousin. I hope the Thanksgiving plans work out for you and your family. I know Kayla is so proud of you.

Trudi - Every day I think of you when I say hello Michael Shane to my co-worker. People here call him Shane but me being noisy ask everyone what their full name is so when I found out it was Michael Shane, of course you know I must say that beautiful wonderful name out loud!

Claudia - It was so nice seeing Joey's smiling face.

Lorri - Thinking of you during this time.

To everyone that I missed know that I A16 everyone on this site and you were not left out on purpose.

[ericasmom]

hi Sonya, so good to see Danielles lovely smile. She lights a room with it. Thanks for the nice thoughts for my Jonathan boy. Me too, heaps of joy for such a dearheart, and to your children the same.

Rhonda and all those new to this suffering, I wrote this poem as we traveled our first year through the holidays:

Missing From the Table

Warm lights puddle on the sidewalks,

From within where they gather-

Around a large table,

Laughter is heard

a toast is made,

And everyone is smiling-

I am a voyeur.

And from the wet pavement

I walk with my memories-

Remembering our warm lights-

The faces and the laughter

Around our large table-

But now a void,

an empty chair,

Because she is missing from the table.

[westleysmom]

Thanks so much Sonya and Dee for your advice and your kind words. I guess I'm feeling really down because my Mama's birthday is today. We're taking her out for dinner and I went and bought cupcakes at lunch with my husband. He was in town and called to see if I wanted to go eat, which is unusual. He's usually at the jobsite and we don't get to go out for lunch together very often. I got one of everything, they're not really big and there will be 8 of us for dinner, so I got a dozen. I know Westley would have come with us if he was here and he would have loved the cupcakes. Its one of those little cupcake only places, but locally owned. It opened this summer, after he was gone. So anyway, Mama's birthday was always the unofficial start of the holidays for our family, of course after Halloween, but we're not into Halloween as much as a lot of people. My parent's wedding anniversary is the 12th and then we're into the real holidays. We had her a big 75th party two years ago and the year my parents had their 50th wedding anniversary we had a big to-do for that. Daddy's birthday was January 9th and Westley's the 19th, so we had a long season of celebrations. Now Daddy's gone and Westley's gone and it just feels so empty for me. I had come to terms with Daddy's passing, although I still miss him. I try not to cry with my family because I'm afraid I won't stop. I have to pick up my sweet thing from day care today and then we'll all meet at the diner to eat. My sister made a cake, too (didn't know that she had time to) so at least there will be plenty of sweet stuff. I liked the poem and I appreciate your prayers and thoughts. I think if I hadn't found you, I would be certifiable by now. Well, more certifiable than I am. I am trying hard not to slip down into the abyss but its hard, as you well know. Peace friends and I hope the day is not dark for you.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, it sounds like your Hubby is knowing that you need him right now, that is nice. I know the abyss you are speaking of but I want to let you know that sometimes the effort you spend trying to stay out depletes your energy too, sometimes we need to go there, we will come back up for air, we do. As much as we don't want to hit bottom, afraid we won't get back up, we often go to the bottom adn find some of the important matter that helps us see us through these darkest days. I am not suggesting to let go of all that tethers you here, but to trust if you are able, that allowing your grief to sweep over you is not to say you give up. It is to say, I need to let myself explore the darkness here and in a few days I will surface again. Oh Rhonda, so many family events and some of it keeps us in the real moments of now, adn some of it sends us running from what once was regular. I am sorry Sweetie.

[kmb22]

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[Crystal16]

Dee- I love the poem thank you for sharing with us newbee's.

[westleysmom]

Shawn's Mom-I feel so bad for you dear. I've had this whole year at least to prepare for this inevitable holiday season while you have had only a couple of months. I think cleaning and organizing helps by giving us something we can control and decide to do or not. I need to do some more of that myself. You are in my thoughts as you are so new to this, even more than me.

Dee-I don't know what I would do without Westley's Dad or you guys. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and the beautiful writings that you do and encourage others to do. Someday I'll write something and share with you here. It just drains me now whenever I try I cry uncontrollably.

Lorri, Betty, Betsy, Claudia, Colleen, Sonya, Sherry, Carol, Trudi, Dee, all who have been through this once or more, you give me hope that I can live through this and can only do it one day at a time with a little help from my friends. Thank you so much for listening and for being there when I can't find the words to say what I'm feeling. You know what I'm going through even when I can't put it into words and I am so grateful for this place to come and share with you my sadness and hopefully to help you carry yours. I don't feel like I'm probably holding up my end of that bargain these days, but I'm trying. I know your holidays and special days are hard too and I'm thinking of you all. I could never have imagined this is where I'd be this year, but I'm glad I found you.

[shellyku]

Hello Everyone! I almost hesitate to post anything because I've been reading a few pages of your posts and you all seem to know one

another and I am a newbie! I must say though that I've been searching for a place like this because I need to communicate with people

who have lost a child so I know I am not going crazy. If I may, I'd like to tell my story. My husband and I lost our 29 year old daughter on

August 18 of this year to leukemia. She was diagnosed on September 24, 2009 after a week of what seemed like flu symptoms. She was

a teacher so two weeks into the school year it was not unusual to feel sick. When they said "leukemia", it was like getting hit with a ton of

bricks. She also was told that, due to a chromasomal mutation, she would require a stem cell transplant. Her sister, our only other child,

was not a match and the universal bone marrow registry did not provide a match for her either. A cord blood transplant was the next option.

A cord was found for her very quickly and a transplant date was set. Several days before that date, she was told that the cord was no longer

available and they didn't know why. By the time a second cord was located, she relapsed and was not able to achieve a second remission

which was necessary to withstand a transplant. Our dear daughter developed pneumonia, her cell counts never recovered and she

succumbed to the spreading of leukemic cells throughout her body. What does a parent do? How do we make sense of this? Why do

some die, and some recover? Our hearts are broken as all of yours are too. Our daughter's name is Sarah and I want her back! If anyone

has any words of wisdom they can impart, I would be so appreciative. I feel I need someone to talk to who has been in this aweful situation

if only for my sanity. I realize everyone here is suffering their own loss, but I believe only those who truly understand this kind of loss can be

helpful to one another. My name is Shelly and I pray for peace and comfort for all of you. Thank you for listening!

[lolynbo]

SHELLY WE WENT THROGUH ABOUT THE SAME THING THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER OF WATCHING YOUR CHILD GO DOWN HILL....IM SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOU DAUGHTER..SARAH....MY DAUGHTERS NAME IS KOURTNEY ...SHE FD OUT NOV 4TH 2007 SHE HAD A TUMOR...WE HAD SURGERY SCHEDULD FOR NOV 29TH 2007....HER TUMOR BURST (THEY NEVER SEEN THAT B4) NOV 15TH 2007 SHE LAID IN OU MEDICAL FOR 5 MONTHS AS WELL AS US E SLEPT ON THE FLOOR IN THE WAITING ROOM...THEN SHE GOT TRANSFERED TO A NURSING HOME AROUND APRIL THEN THEY FIGURED SHE WAS "TOO HEAVY A PATINT" TO TAKE CARE OF..AS WELL AS SHE GOT PNUMONIA (SP) ALSO SO WE GOT SENT BACK TO OU....THEN THEY SENT US TO A LIL TOWN NAMED WARNER OKLAHOMA...TO A NURSING HOME....WHERE IN JUNE 15TH 2007 SHE WENT DOWN HILL AGAIN..(SHE GAVE UP I THIN AROUND MAY MOTHERS DAY)...THEN WE GOT SENT TO MUSKOGEE HOSP WHERE SHE PASSED AWAY JUNE 17 2007....SHE HAD JUST GOT MARRIED 9 MONTHS B4 SHE GOT SIK....SHE WAS/IS MY BEST FRIEND AND AS YOU FEEL...OUR LIVES HAVE SOOOOOO CHANGED...IDK IF IM ALIVE MOST THE TIME OR JUST CRUSING THROUGH....SADLY THIS PLACE WILL HELP YOU...

WELL I BROKE A FINGER NAIL SO MY TYPING IS CRAPPP BUT WHO CARES I NO YAL DONT....THE BOYS WENT TO NASCAR TO WATCH THE TRKS RACE...IM HOME ALONE...

I REALLY MEAN IT IM SO VERY GLAD I HAVE YAL TO CRY TO OR LAUGH WITH...IDK WHERE ID BE WITH OUT YAL

RHONDA HUGGS TO U MY FRIEND....THINKING OF YOU I SO KNOW WHERE UR AT TODAY..

[hotrod]

Dear Shelly I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious daughter and am glad that you found this Forum. Here you will find much love support understanding and love. Each of us have been where you are and were fortunate enough to reach out to this Board and find each other. We understand as few can. the pain and horror that the loss of a child can bring.

I lost my only son Stephen 3 years ago and I do believe this Board and the wonderful people here saved my sanity and life

Please post often Post a picture of your daughter and if you go to the Gallery section, you can also develop an album that we can see It is a wonderful way for you to feel part of

Again a sad warm welcome

Dear Indigos stay well this evening

[summergirl]

Dear Shelly - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Sarah....I welcome you with open arms and I am so very happy that you have found us here but so very, very sorry for the reason why. Here you will find what you need...a place to be with those who walk the same journey....the Journey of Bereaved Parents....there is nothing worse in this world. We lost our beautiful daughter Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD - sudden death (heart attack) Jessica was 26 years old and the mommy of Tavian who was 4 at the time.....my hubby and I have full custody of him.....he is now 8. I have been here for a long time and I never plan on leaving...this is the only place I find that comforts me, where I can say what I want, cry, be sad, be happy, a place to share with those who KNOW. I pray that you stay with us, I would love to hear much more about your Sarah. Please do not worry about knowing our names or anything else....it comes with time as does all else....Bless you and your family.

Sonya - I feel the same way.....I come here every night and read but lately I feel as though I have nothing to say......it is as though there are so many things in my head but I cannot get my fingers to type them......Maybe it is because there are so many things going on in our lives right now with the move and all....Usually I have plenty to say so I am not going to worry myself about it....we all need a bit of time now and then to just be. Bj is doing great, still working and still clean....loving it so much...thanks

To all other Indigo's - have a peaceful, restful night....much love to all, Kathy

[4everjoeysmom]

Thank You Sonya!!

[Guest msnher]

Shelly - I offer you the saddest of welcomes to this new journey none of us wanted to be on. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, Sarah! I am glad you decided to post despite your hesitation. I am sorry you have reason to be part of us, but grateful for your presence. You don't have to know or remember any of us to "talk" to us. We get it. There are no rules. There is no judgement. Share as you are able. I look forward to getting to know your beautiful Sarah as you share her with us. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident on August 9, 2009. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. You, Shelley, have embarked on a new path that is the most painful experience one can imagine. In fact, it's unimagineable....still. We survive. We do the best we can when we can. We feel broken. Lost. Painfully aware of our beating hearts. It physically hurts to breath. It's absolutely horrific. But, it WILL lighten. It will never go away.....but it will get easier. You have come to the right place.

Crystal, Karen and Rhonda - The holidays are so rough. Hang on. Don't expect too much from yourself. One of my journal entries, from those early months, states I found the button that caused that horrible pain to return.....living. I really don't have much more to offer because I get so screwed up myself. I can just say I'm glad I don't have to walk through it alone and you have all three helped me more than you know.

Lynn - I love the visit you had with your cousin. I can't help but think Kayla might have something to do with the family getting together. It should be interesting, to say the least.

So. Today, in the car, Mariah was talking to her dad on the phone, asking him what he wanted for his birthday and Christmas. Clothes. Mariah relays my questions to him over the phone as I drive. Mariah gives me his answers. I argue, saying he does not wear that size of pants. She tells him. He confirms he does and they shrink. She tells me. I say "not that much". She tells him. He says something and she relays it back to me. I say something, kind of under my breath, but out of the corner of my mouth and direct one of those "Whatever" looks towards Mariah. I swear, as God is my witness, it was Stephanie looking back at me! My heart leapt with joy and sorrow all at the same time. The same expression in Mariah's face that I saw so many times on her mother. The look that says, "You've got to be kidding me" but with a twinkle that says she is enjoying the banter back and forth as she waits for each of us...her dad and I...to give a response through her.

"Oh my! You look just like your mommy!"

At dinner we always go around and say what the best and worst part of our day was. My best part was seeing Stephanie in Mariah.......that was Mariah's best part, too.

Peace all....

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

hello to all,

I won't wirte a bunch (lucky people) :-)... just wanted to put in my 2 cents. I come here because I get through the day better.

I am happy that our newbie Shelly, has found our site, very sad that she has to be here, but time will show her what a blessing it is to come here. The site doesn't take our sadness away, but it gives us a chance to state our feelings without worry of judgement or ridicule. I know I have been here and said things that I could never tell the rest of the world, but here.. I am safe, and feel loved by families that have gone through tremendous tragedy and still hold their heads up and share their precious angels with each other. It helps me to not be alone all the time..

Rhonda, I send you prayers of strength to get through your time.. the ups and downs sometimes seem so unbearable.. I pray that your days get easier to handle.

the holidays are hard.. sometimes I get so mad that I have to have them.. but then i think that JaBoa would get mad at me for not wanting to have them, they have always been an important part of what our family is. one of my little brother's will be here on the 20th. He wants to see mom before something happens. I am not looking forward to the visit, he is hard on my nerves. He is really religious.. and at times he makes me mad.. but he lives alone.. and his life is his church so I take a lot of things with a grain of salt.. He is one that thinks I am wrong for holding on to JaBoa so hard.. he told me she is better off.. and yeah.. we know that.. but all the words doesn't make the missing go away.

well.. guess I better let this close up.. I said I wouldn't write my book.. have a restful night my friends.. Your always in my thoughts and prayers..

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, Karen, Crystal and now Shelly, all so new to this sadness, hang on and remember that there are no rules here, as long as you don't mistreat yourselves...try not to expect too much from yourselves through the holidays and other days too. This is tricky terrain, and we are here to leave our footprints in the mud and muck so that you can step in our steps, hoping to ease some of the manuevering. There is nothing easy about this path, but there is this place, which to me is like family. The kind of family that really gets it, that won't judge where I am on the path.

Shelly, welcoming you sadly. I know that your loss is huge, your heart is broken and the shock of your Daughter's death is still protecting you some. As you come back and post and read you will begin to learn our Children's names and our names, but we are a large group so don't be daunted by our numbers. We are like a giant family of sisters and brothers. It will take time to remember which child matches with which parent, but eventually you will have it down. Don't expect that too quickly please. Just keep coming back and tell us about your life. Tell us about Sarah as you are able. There are several folks on this site who also lost thier Child to illness. Blessings to Sweet Sarah.

I lost my 19 year old Daughter Erica 7 years ago. Her car was struck by a train at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. WE live in the Chicagoland area, she and my son Jon were raised here but both moved to K-city. They were enjoying life with friends, going to school a bit, and working. THey were both snow boarders so enjoyed working at the snowhill just outside of town. JOnathan lived with Eri, he invited her to live there with he and friends when she graduated from high school, knowing that she did not have a grade pt. average to offer her any choices. It was the best time of her life those 11 months in Kalamazoo. She was coming into her own, learning how to be an adult. She had fallen in love and had made some really great friends in Michigan. She was very talented at making fabulous friends.

I stay on this site this many years later both to continue being able to talk about my girl, and because I love the people here and I love that we join together to help the next person up through the heartache. Here we are with you and the others so new to this, and one day, you too will join in helping a parent as they find their footing after the worst loss.

God bless Shelly.

Goodnight All.

[westleysmom]

Leah-Your 2 cents is always welcome. I hope things are going better for you. Is your weather any better?

Susannah-You made me cry again with the best part of your day. I can just see Mariah cutting her eyes at you with Stephanie looking at you from them.

Shelly-I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Sarah. My son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house January 13 of this year, 6 days before his birthday. He would have been 21. I was thinking today that I never got to buy him a beer. Not that we're big drinkers, but we'll have one every now and then, with pizza or something. I never let him drink at my house. When he died, he'd had 2 beers in his system and had taken a painkiller of some kind, prescription and pretty potent. He had sleep apnea and he went to sleep and didn't wake up. Two beers and a pill equals my broken heart. I can't tell you why your daughter is gone when others have been cured. I can't tell you why my son is gone when people do that every day and live to tell about it, even laugh about it. I can tell you that the people here all understand what you are going through and that you'll decide that you can live without knowing why for a while and suddenly you'll see one of her friends and think "Why her?" and you'll be back to square one. I thought when I came here at around 6 months or so that it was as bad as it was going to get, and I was wrong. We all grieve differently, there is no right or wrong way. We just are here for each other and for you if you need someone to listen. I hope you come back and don't worry about knowing who is who or what their child's name is. hell, I don't even know what my name is most of the time anymore.

Sweet dreams all you sweet people that help me through my days and nights

[ericasmom]

Leah, jinx, we posted at around the same time. You are always lovely to read so don't put yourself down at all. Sweet dreams to you Leah. Oh, I have one of those over-the-top-religious-brothers too. I have a hard time around him as well. Don't worry, JaBoa is with you as you go through the days, reminding you of your strength.

[mikesmum]

Shelly - Such a young life, such a short time to get used to the diagnosis, let alone losing your precious daughter. Making any sense of losing your child can see you debilitated beyond belief.

I know it sounds like we all 'know each other', and in many aspects we do. We know the depth of the sadness when you lose your child. We know the aching in the night when you just want to hold them one more time. We all 'get it' when you say you have changed.

This is like a community within a community. We know each others pain, the need to be able to speak about our children, and please, tell us more about your girl. I always believe our children are more than that last day, that diagnosis or what that entailed.

My son Micheal passed in Jan 07. He was 31 and left behind a young baby girl (1yr). I have not be able to see her since his service. I have been here since April 07. Its here where I have forged friendships that are bonded in a common grief.....the loss of a child. Its where I don't need to apologise for losing my child, I can say his name without offending others.

The confusion, anger, deep feelings of being lost will with time ease. They won't completely leave, but they will find there place.

This is the soft place to land when all else seems lost.

Today has been a beautiful day here. Zak and Jeya went with me to the Collingwood Childrens farm. A large parcel of land 5 mins from the CBD Melbourne. Once a self sufficent convent the area is now an arts colony but the farm remains....

Sleep well my friends.......

[mikesmomrs]

I was reading some of the posts this morning and had intended to make a reply, but then had to leave to pick up Damon for the day, and then go to a football game for Chandler. This was his last game of the year, and we have been trying all season to make it to a game...it just seemed that either they were too far away, or Ralph's medical appointments made it impossible. The very first game Chandler had was the day Ralph was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia. So, I am glad we were able to make this one...Chandler was so proud of himself, and I know that his dad was following him around that field today, proud of him, cheering him on...

So, one of the first things I wanted to note was Susannah's library story---I loved your post, as always when you walk through your mind out loud, your story evokes such feelings and places us there, right beside you. As Dee said, it is a memoir, and sharing those parts of your life that you so eloquently write about is heartwarming, though the painful part of the memories do so achingly pull at my heart for you. Tears fell as I read of your pain and humiliation. I wanted to reach back into time and change it all for you...but then, we are the product of our history and our making our way through it...and you wouldn't be the Susannah you are today...the wonderful, loving, caring and giving Susannah that exists today. The one whose grandchildren can count on...the one whose husband is so very proud of, and whose daughter has proudly marked a spot right beside her in heaven...ready to show you off to all of her friends---that Susannah.

And, the "library." Your words about this wonderful place evoked such memories in my head..."How to describe the smell?"...I am there, girl, I am there. I don't remember my very first time at the library, but I do remember walking there, and being there...and I do remember the wonderful smell...almost like a promise of something great...something I've never had duplicated and likely never will. Thank you, Sus, for sharing your library story...you took me back to a treasured experience of my childhood...one that is with me always, but needs a little pull now and then to come to the surface of my thoughts. Much more to my memories of going to the library, but will save it for another time.

I also loved your story of Mariah tonight...fills your heart while it is breaking it, but we treasure these moments, nonetheless. Thanks for sharing.

Shelly: As others have already said, we welcome you here. We are so very sorry for your reason to be here, but we know that you will find comfort, strength, and support here. We are all walking this road together, and many times along the way we each need directions, or just someone to listen. Either is always here. As for learning everyone's names and child, that will come in time. Please tell us more about your beautiful daughter, Sarah---we would love to hear your stories about her, when you are ready. My son, Mike, died from cancer also, brain cancer, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, 17 months after diagnosis. He left behind three young boys, at the time 1 1/2, 9 and 10. It has been hard on the older two, but they have adjusted over time, and speak of their dad often. The youngest of course doesn't remember his daddy, but his mom does a very good job of being sure that he knows him and knows about him. I am so grateful for this.

Rhonda: and all others who are having a difficult time thinking of the upcoming holidays...it is always hard, but that first year is a total heart crusher and we can only do what we can only do...and we have to let others know that "this is what I can do (or not do, as the case may be) and if they don't understand, then they just don't understand, and prayerfully, never will. We were on auto-pilot because of having to do Christmas for the boys...from start to finish, numb as could be. Sarah brought Damon over and the two older boys were here, and all stayed over that night before Christmas eve. The next day we did Christmas for them. At one point, the older boys came over to me, sat down beside me and started crying. They cried their hearts out and then after that things actually went smoother. It was like they had to get all that out in order to be able to do the rest. It was a tough weekend, but I know that Mike was there, pushing us through it. We will be here for you, for each other, throughout. We can only take one moment at a time and do the best we can with it...if we need to stay in bed with the covers over our head, then that is what we need to do.

Leah: Good luck with your brother... "he told me she is better off.. and yeah.. we know that.." But we aren't...I am glad for our angels that they are no longer in pain, no longer worried, no longer struggling, but we all are suffering from their not being here, and we are not "better off."

Trudi: I am so glad that you and Zak and Jeya had such a good time and a good day. I know they would have a good time no matter where they were, so long as they are with the grammie.

Lynn: I am so very glad that your visit went well with Kevin...I know that your sweet face lightened his heart...it is difficult to know what to say when you know that someone is not going to get any better, but asking how they are is just fine...sometimes they want to tell you, to talk about it, and when they don't, they will usually tell you. Mike loved having people come to visit, and those last weeks, he really enjoyed their coming in and talking to him, etc. You have given him a gift to keep with him during these days. Your return visits will strengthen that gift. I admire you for attempting to do the Thanksgiving event...sending you strength and prayers for it to be a good day.

Sonya: So sweet to see your beautiful girl's smile...and always good to hear from you.

I hope everyone has a good Saturday.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, goodness you were up late. I was so happy to see Chandler's football photo, so cute. Glad that you were able to be there with him. I can picture his Daddy following his plays on the field, a wonderful angel with a whistle.

Trudi, sounds like a fine spring day with the kids, how lucky they are to have so wonderful a GRAMMIE. And you to have them. Makes my heart smile to see you there walking the expanse of the farm.

A lot of sunshine here today, cold temps but sunny and blue skies. John and I will take a woods walk in a little while. We went to amovie and dinner last night. It was nice to get out a bit. I am still dealing with theremnants of a cold, it was one buttkicking virus, but I am on the mend. We had yesterday off of school, don't know why the calendar committee planned Veterans Day 6 full days before the actual event, but nevertheless, we had it yesterday. I was very quiet here, working at trying to organize this messy office and throw things out or file them. Also working on my dresser drawers, same deal, give it away pile, or the summer bin pile? I was also going through my CD's. (I am not sure what craze I am in but I am going with it as I am usually chronically unorganized), and I wanted to put my CD's in new cases in some order. All Neil Young together and all Annie Lennox together etc...so I came across a CD of ERi with three friends. The girls gave it to me, though I don't remember when but all of their faces are on the CD. It was about 20 minutes of the girls making funny skits when they were young. They were all at Bridget's house for her 14th birthday, and they just were so dear. I did not watch this when it was given, probably knew that I couldn't, but I put it in a box with other CD's and forgot it was there. It was a jewel to be sure. After John went to bed last night, I put it in my computer and lived for those 20 minutes with a full view of my pretty Daughter, her voice, her laugh, her big hands, her funny way of dancing, her love for her friends. I will float on that today, knowing that among all the dark days, there are glimpses of gold.

[ericasmom]

I believe we set our clocks back tonight, so don't forget...Trudi, do you guys play around with your time as we do here? Many countries do, some do not.

[lolynbo]

YES WHEN WE HIT THE PILLOW TONIGHT SET THE CLOCK BACK/ FALL BACK.....WE JUST GOT $500 OF NASCAR RACING TICKETS GIVIN TO US PLZ VIP PARKING SO WE WILL BE HEADING THAT WAY TOM...NO CHURCH BUT GOOD TIMES WITH MY BOYS...WISH BROOKEY COULD GO WITH US....

HOPE ALL HAV A BLESSED DAY...COLD AND WINDY HERE..

[shellyku]

Hi everyone! Thank you all for your responses. It is a good feeling to know

people like you are out there and are so welcoming. I am not the brightest

bulb in the pack when it comes to the computer! I have to learn how to upload

photos and such, because I'd love to show you a picture of Sarah. It helps I

think to put a face to a name. I will be getting back on with y'all to tell you

about my darling daughter and our lives as a family, if that's ok. I want to

learn a little about how to navigate the computer a little better so when I do,

I can provide more context. Thanks again, I feel very accepted in this space.

Take care of yourselves! Shelly

[rlolheiser]

Shelly, I look forward to getting to know you and your lovely angel Sarah. My angel is JaBoa, she is my 10-year-old grandaughter that I was extremely close with. she was in an accident the day before Halloween in 2006. Her mom was the driver of the car and my mother was hurt .. my daughter and one other grandaughter had no outward injuries. Since then my mom has come to live with me, she has COPD and Congestive Heart Failure. She worsens and gets better.. my goal is to make her as comfortable as can be. My daughter and her little girl and her son have also moved in here with my husband and I. Some days I hate getting out of bed, and then I have to remember that JaBoa is close to me.. she is in the air I breathe. It is by no means as joyous as holding her..seeing her.. listening to her laughter. Now I hold her through her mom, and sister.. I see her through my little boy (7 year old brother we are raising) (long story)... and I hear her laughter through the kids when they play together.. 4 years and I still have tough times.. but sharing my angel has helped me.. and I have been so blessed by getting to know all the other angels. I am sure you will get the hang of the computer.. just take small steps.. like we do with life.. we get through it all just a little at a time.

Lorri, I hope you and your boys have a great time.

Dee, thank you for reminding me my writing whatever is ok.. so glad your on the mend, I worry so much about catching something, seems everybody is sick with something. The CD was certainly a treasure, I am happy for you. I have a vhs of my JaBoa.. at her mom's wedding.. I kept it hidden cause my daughter didn't like it.. but I watch it every chance I can. My player is broken so I dont get to see it.. but when I do.. I go back in time.. she was a little princess.. wore a white dress like her mom.. it was beautiful.. and she was such a dickens during the ceremony.. all over everything.. I love treasures like that.

Rhonda, the weather has been great.. this weekend is close to the 70s. Then the weatherman spoiled it by saying snow is coming next week. I hope it doesn't last or come with the frigid weather. I keep asking why do I still live here, but I really wouldn't want to move anywhere else.

Carol, I am so happy that you and Ralph got to go to Chandler's game. I am sure it meant a lot to him and a lot to Mike.. ... I agree.. I hate it when we are told that our angels are in a better place.. I do understand that.. I try to make people see that I understand it... it isn't her place I am stressed about.. it is mine without her.. my place will never be normal again.

Trudi, I really like how you described this site as the soft place to land when all else fails... it is so true.. the crashes before this site were endless and painful.. yes, they are still painful, but the hurt is buffered with everybody's love.

I guess, I should get something done here.. I have been in a slump. I don't feel like doing anything so I do just what I have to do and things are starting to show that.

I am thinking of you all and wishing you a peaceful day

[shorty16]

WOW, Chatty bunch.. Hard to catch up

Sarah's Mom

So sorry you have to be here, but here is a really great place. Our 16 year old son died in a car crash on 6-19-2008. That was our personal 9-11. You can read more about in my profile.

We have 2 other children, daughter is 20, son is almost 17 (now)

A family goes through tremendous turmoil, but we have come out of the furnace stronger and closer. This new family dynamic is a continuous work-in-progress.

Consider yourself hugged

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Ashlee’s friends from Maine sent me a portfolio of her today. It was thoughtful and reminds me of how large and special Ashlee was to those she loved and touched. See my FB page showing the card.

http://www.facebook.com/ Crystal Valade

Shelly- Looking forward to knowing your Angel daughter Sarah ..

I hope everyone had a nice Saturday love ya all!

[shorty16]

Indigos

Wisconsin Badgers won today, actually kicked some Indiana, Purdue butt.

Go Badgers.

Green Bay Packers play tomorrow night. They play Dallas. Good luck Packers.

Love to all my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[ericasmom]

Col, go Wisconsin Teams! Or as some of my students say, Wins-consin.The Bears play tomorrow, but I have less enthusiasm for them this year than ever before. They simply do not look good and I do hope for the sake of those on the team hoping to be part of something good, that things improve. How is Trevor doing? Michelle and Aaron?

Going to bed Folks, I hope that everyone sleeps well and has some good thoughts and with some luck, an angel visit. I sure am tired and hoping to sleep very deeply.

[mikesmum]

Tried to post earlier but lost everything. This weekend has been a taste of summer. Clear skies and sunshine. Spent the day today with Zak and Jeya. Found a rock at the local market from the Toolangi Seismic Observatory. Didn't know there was one. Given its only 14km from here we went on an 'adventure'.

Didn't find the observatory but we did find the CJ Dennis 'singing gardens'. Beautiful rhodendrums that towered over acres of gardens. Japanese maples and various trees that are well over 100yrs old.

Very very tired after what seems to be a non stop whirl wind of grandies.

Carol - that boy has his grandma's eyes. Those fierce freckles from behind the gridiron helmet .

There was time after Micheal died when the pain of losing him was so excruitating. People told me it was because I loved him so much. I decided back then I wouldn't love anyone like that again. The chance I might lose them would unbearable..

Spending time with my grandies has mellowed those thoughts - as the song goes "I could have missed all the pain, but I would have to miss the dance".

Grandies weekend.......

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=43318&id=100000505072225&l=f88c62581d

[nicksdad]

The wife told me that our daughter had a dream of her brother the other nite. I told her to tell me about it but she said the daughter wanted to tell me. So.....got with her and asked her about it. She said Nick called her and asked if she wanted to hang out and she said she was all excited..But then he did not show up so she looked at caller id and called the number back and some person answered that was really nice and got Nick on the phone. He said he was coming soon. This went on a few times and she said each time she called back a different person would answer and they would always be real nice and get him on the phone.

Then he finally showed up and he took her to the park and they just talked. She said it was great. I asked if he had his goatee and she said yes and I asked if he drove and she said yes (dumb questions I know) because she remembered when he dropped her off he gave her a big hug in the car and said he loved us...then she woke up. The next night she had another dream where she went to see him but did not remember as much....

She was so happy about them that I felt great for her....

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Dan I am so glad that your daughter had such a great dream of Nick. The telephone calls his driving his car and how he looked it is so clear that knowing she dreamed of him gave you much joy Thanks for sharing it here I am still waiting to Remember my dream

Trudi and Crystal thanks for the Face book connections Trudi I really loved all the pictures Seeing all the sun and color I was reminded that winder is on the way here. I will need to see more of your pictures to bring sun to my days.The children and the small animals look lovely I am sure you and Mutley had fun.

Crystal a beautiful tribute to your little sweet angel

Leah, Rhonda, Shawnsmom. Kritchie Shelly be gentle with yourselves today and know coming here is the best medicine that I have found to help when nothing else could.

Betsy I know one of your Bucket List plan is Ice skating in Rockefeller Center I am always looking for a bargain so I went Ice Skating in Central Park today . Weather was perfect and the price is about half I am rusty but it is another thing you learn and comes back with some effort It was fun and I thought of you.

I am tired and have put my clocks back so I will wish everyone good night

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - I requested to be your friend on facebook so I can look at the portfolio. I hope I got the right person...

Gosh, my mind just went blank. I had planned to respond to all of you but seemed to have crossed over into la la land. My coughing woke me up this morning. Headache, stuffy, sore throat. I like it. It's a good excuse to stay down today! It's what I love to do most. Nothing.

Yesterday, I bought a photo album for each of the kids. I'm going to make "baby" books (memory books) for them. I have to clean up the old mess first before I begin a new mess of pictures. I've been staring at the fresh painted walls for a long time, now, trying to decide how and where I want to hang the pictures. Back to the memory books....I have kept a journal and timeline of all the happenings in their young lives since the first time they were put in foster homes. I've kept evey correspondent between with our attorney. Documented every conversation with the state. Etc. I'm going to make three copies of all of it and arrange it chronologically for them to have when they're older. These kids won't have to wonder what we were all doing while they were being tortured. They will have a record of how hard we fought for them.

Have the best day under the circumstances, Indigos. Sometimes the best I could do was brush my teeth....in the beginning.

Peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

Good morning all,

It's a chilly morning in Florida in the low 50's... sun is shinning cool crisp air, feels like New England fall weather. I woke this morning thinking of Ashlee and wishing things could have been different on September 3, 10. I think back on that day and wonder if she would have gone to Deland with me she would have not gone to Dylans that afternoon. I think if her dad would have kept her home more she wouldn't have seen Dylan ALL the time. The "what if's" drive me to the point of despair.....

I'm moving in three weeks leaving my ex- boyfriend. We dated for almost two years I love him but its not enough. I want to take time for myself and for the other two kids and let God heal us. Actually, very excited about this healthy change. Rich is a good man but different goals, vission and values then me. Plus, I'm a tall girl and he's about 3inches shorter then I, which always bothered me.

[shorty16]

Indigos

Last night, we had both boys gone! WOW, silence. We do not get that very often. Scott is still sick. So we just watched movies and went to bed BORING!!

I want to let my fellow indigos know that on Wednesday, Nov 10, I am traveling to Florida to see our good friend Marcia. Even though Marcia (Bethany) lives in Nevada, Her and Larry own a time-share in Treasure Island, Florida. Marcia left at 5 am this morning. She is spending the first part of the week with her mother. Then, I will join her and we will have a wonderful time until Saturday when we each fly to our respective parts of the country.

For newbies or those that have never met anyone here in person, meeting a fellow bereaved mother is a calming, wonderfully bonding experience. When I met Marcia, Bonnie, Trudi, Dee, and Carol in MN, I felt like I have known them all my life. It was such a comfortable feeling. We could say anything and not get the look of horror.

I am very thankful to Marcia for allowing me to meet her in Fl. We have no plans. Just sit on the beach and talk about our babies.

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - I know you and Marcia will have a wonderful time together! I'm hoping our BI group will try for another get together in 2011.

[Crystal16]

Colleen- What part of Florida? I live in Cape Coral.... three hours SW of Orlando. I would definitely like to meet up with all sometime.

[shorty16]

Dan,

Your daughter is so lucky to have had a visit from Nick. And your wife was so kind to ensure you heard this wonderful visit from your daughter - this way you could see the joy on your daughters face - that is what is is all about.

Don't feel bad, Dan - I have not dreamt of Brian at all. Scott dreamt about Brian shortly after Brian's death. The dream was that Brian's death was all a joke he was playing on us - Scott was not amused and got very angry at Brian. Of course, Scott felt terrible about it the next morning. Scott does not talk about Brian - He cannot get past the pain. I think that is why I travel to see other bereaved mothers, because my husband will not talk about Brian and when we do, it ends with "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and I will always talk about you and say your name

[shorty16]

Crystal

Treasure Island, Florida. I am flying into Tampa and Marcia states the Penthouse Beach Club is not far from Tampa.

Colleen

[Crystal16]

Susannah- And for anyone else my FB is by the name Crystal Valade the front picture on my page is the same as BI....

[shorty16]

Crystal, I just send a friend request on FB.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Guest msnher]

I have said I rarely dream of Stephanie but my journal entries state that I dreampt of her often right after she died....the journal also states I could never remember the dreams the next morning but i knew they were of Stephanie.

Dan, Your daughter's dream sounds like a gift from Nick. Priceless.

Sometimes I wonder if it's our pain that keeps us blocked from the signs and/or messages from our children. The other day I was sitting under the redneck patio and I whispered, "I miss you, Steph." There was an immediate whisper in my thoughts that sounded like Steph's voice, "I'm right here, Mom." It was followed by the pain in my gut I've become so accustomed to. What I wondered was if that pain and/or discomfort is actually caused from our child being so close to us. Their presence makes us more aware that they are not here physically. Does that make sense? Anyway, if that be the case, I welcome the pain.

Jonathon and Jasmine are sitting on the sofa, looking through a sale's catalog, while they dream about Christmas. Toy story characters and transformers high on Jonathon's wish list. A guitar and barbies on Jasmines. Mariah's praying for her own computer and cell phone. "It ain't happenin'!" She's only 9 for Pete's sake! A camera is on my list for her. My daughter in law does not have her own tools. I bought a "lady's tool kit" for her. Pretty little purple hammer, etc. I liked it so much I bought myself one plus all the accessories. I need a bigger hammer and a variety of screwdrivers......even though I usually use my electric one. The kids were with me when I bought them and I told them it was my Christmas present from them. They made me promise to forget I had them so I would be surprised on Christmas morning. The upside of all this means Gary gets all his tools back.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Colleen your trip to visit with Marcia sounds wonderful Have a wonderful time I too hope that we can have a Indigo gathering in 2011.

Crystal I have done many days thinking of "If Only" and it is good to post about it here Glad you are taking some positive actions to heal. You are doing the right thing.

Susannah I love the idea of the record for each child of how hard you fought for them I know that each one knows that they are loved.

Sherry and Dee NYC Marathon is being held today I am not running but will go up and cheer them on It is a lovely day and fun to be part of.

My sister is being discharged from hospital tomorrow and I will be going to SO Jersey to stay for a while But today is one to be out in the fall weather and to be part of something bigger.

Have a Blessed Day all

[ericasmom]

Colleen and Marcia, how nice that you two will be visiting one another. Col, you have gone on several trips to meet up with folks, my hat is off to you. I am such a homebody, don't travel much anymore. Used to, but not now. Have a blast and give Marcia a big hug from me. I hope the weather is gorgeous.

Betty, I am awed by your skating at Central Park's rink. I would love to do that, skated as you know at Rockefeller, but I so love Central Park. I remember walking there in the winter one year, maybe the year after ERi died, and seeing the folks out there teaching their young ones to skate, it was all I could do to not make a scene, crying so hard. Eri was a very good skater, skated without help at age 2.5 and zoomed her little self around and around the rink. Her skating skirts were her favorite clothing, and they are very dear to me. I would be rusty as well as I have not iceskated in about 4 years, so I will try to do so this year, you have inspired me.

Dan, I am happy that your Girl dreamed of her Bro, and that you were able to absorb the beauty of that dream with her. If Jonathan ever dreams of Erica, I don't know as he is pretty closed off there. I am pretty sure that Nick travels with you in many ways, and smiles on the beauty you have created at the cemetery and the beauty that you create here, with us.

Good luck on that move Anglesmom, it is good to know when a move is necessary to find good health. It sounds as though this is something you were thinking of before adn now it has become more clear that moving is the right thing. Are you going to be near the familiar neighborhood and the support systems that you need?. I am happy for the excitement you all feel.

[Crystal16]

Dee- You are correct, I was thinking about this move before Ashlee's death. I'm still in the same town so I have my support system all around me. This move will help me see clearly regarding a lot of truths in my life.

[mysonrich]

Dan, neat that many people answered the phone and that your daughter was able to share the detail, remember the detail. A very nice visit from Nick,

Betty, thanks. I will look into other rinks. I can see you now, triple axles and all . I'll be very rusty too.

Dee,I hope the virus is finally out of your system and you can enjoy the day.

Marcia and Colleen, friends that you are. enjoy your time together.

Shelly, I'm so sorry that you are here,the loss of your dear daughter Sarah.When you are able please tell us all about her and post a picture when you can. My son Rich died from cardiac dysrhythmia in his sleep at age 20. The prior evening he attended a concert, Metallica, that he was so very excited about seeing. He danced a lot that evening I was told.

Rhonda, Rich could not buy beer in Pa., the drinking age is 21. He did drink and i sat at his kitchen table Thanksgiving 2008 and enjoyed a glass of wine with him. such a milestone,buying a 6-pack.

indigo's, I'm heading for the door, little shopping on this brisk,fall day.

[ericasmom]

Crystal, I raise my teacup to you for finding the truth that lies in the days moving forward. We are a brave group you know? We may feel that we should not fall to tears, or find it hard to get out of bed, we may feel we shouldn't but really, who wouldn't? And we move forward at whatever pace we are able adn we find out how to live in this day, and the next. We are brave humans.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I am still fighting what remains of this upper resp. issue, but much better than I was so thanks so much. I hope you enjoy the brisk day of shopping. I am making some progress in grading papers, and I will soon make some pumpking cranberry bread. YUM, the house will smell good and it will go well with pork chops and applesauce and asperagus salad. Jon and Shannon are coming for dinner.

[ericasmom]

BEARS WIN! Well shut my mouth!

[heartbeataway]

Hi guys,

We had such a busy week last week! We had a four year old for respite from Thursday until yesterday ....... he was one busy little guy and didn't do anything without at protest!

We drove him to school in one town and then had to get our foster to a different school. So, we had three hours of driving every day.

Then our foster came into our room on Tuesday around 10:30 crying that he couldn't talk, we quickly realized he couldn't breathe. We spent the night in the emergency room. He didn't respond to the treatments as quickly as expected. We went home around nine the next morning.

But not before Rich had to get the four year old up, dressed, fed and to someone who could drop him off at school. Rich had an important meeting with his new job that he couldn't miss. What a morning!

Anyway, everything is good now!

We went to the final weekend of Pumkinfest at a local animal park yesterday. It was fun to see the children run and laugh ...... children having fun with hay, pumpkins, animals and bouncing.

A good day!

I will probably never catch up with all the posts I've missed ....... I will try.

Colleen, have a wonderful time in Florida with Marcia. Hope the sun shines brightly the whole time you're there!

Dan, I loved reading about your daughters dream. Wouldn't it be nice if there were phones in heaven?

Dee, I think I could smell the Pumpkin Cranberry Bread! Sounds yum!

Well, it's time to put a little guy to bed and read our next chapter of Junie B Jones ........

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - We have been so busy that I have not had time it seems to even breathe....trying hard to catch on reading but not sure I can....Hopefully after we are moved in I can finally find the time to settle back into my daily routine of talking with all of you...I miss that. We have accomplished alot - Barry's office is complete, kitchen and diningroom complete, new bathroom ceiling in and spackled. I have off Thursday and Friday this week so I will complete the painting of the house (whoo hoo). On Friday morning I am going to go pick out the new carpet for our bedroom, Tavian's rooms and livingroom. We will be in the new house by the end of the month....I am so excited and will be glad to have our weekends back to somewhat normal....

Dan - What a lovely dream your daughter had.....makes me smile.

Tavian is fighting a cold so am keeping my eye on him. He has been so great with all that has been going on. Yesterday his friend Damien came over for a playdate / sleeponver and they were great. Today Tavian went to Damien's house so it was a nice break for him to not have to go to the house with us.

Wishing everyone a good night, sleep well my friends....miss you all but keeping up as much as possible. Kathy