Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Trudi, Betty, Dee, all-Thanks for the poems and writings. They reach deep down and touch the part of me that is hurting and help heal. I'm sure that in writing them, they healed you some too.

Crystal-So sorry that you are going through this. Your whole family is in my thoughts as you go through these most painful early days of your loss.

Lorri-Thinking of you as the nightmare anniversaries begin.

Carol-So much of what you wrote struck a chord with me, as I feel like I was a prize-winning worst mother ever. I just keep thinking, I didn't save him. Of all the terrible things I did over the years, that was the worst. I didn't save him. I'm so sorry that what you thought was going to be a soothing, healing experience turned out to be so painful. Thank you for going and thinking of our children.

Kathy-You need a break. I hope you knocked off early and got some rest. Glad Tav is doing better at school and the crisis has been averted. He's a good boy and you're doing a great job.

Sherry-I love willow trees, didn't you say you have one? We see deer a lot this time of year too. I hope that even when they quit coming around that our kids friends haven't really forgotten them. They just have new friends and that's how it goes. We just don't get new kids, though and that's why we feel so lonely for them.

Bonnie-How's your little Daniel doing? I hope I have his name right. I can't remember mine most days.

Colleen, Betsy, Karen, everybody-Hugs to you all today

[Crystal16]

Remembering sweet Ashlee on this two month angelversary. Please wrap your arms around your family. They all miss you so desperately. The way you died makes it so much more difficult for them to be comforted...............please find a way to comfort them...

Carol - How my heart breaks reading your words. So heartbreakingly, beautifully written. They are your words from your heart, but they echo so elequently my own emotions. The guilt, remorse and regret literally beat the hell out of us. And, we allow it; even invite it, because we believe we failed at the most important job we've been given. We're wrong, of course. Bless you for going up afterwards and lighting the candle for Mike and our angels. You are a picture of dignity and grace, M'Lady.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Thank you Susannah for caring...

[Crystal16]

Crystal

Our son, Aaron was 14 when Brian died. He was also in 8th grade. He started his freshman year when Brian should have been a senior. He saw the 2 boys everyday that were involved in Brian's death.

He was one angry dude - He even went so far as to vandalize one of the boy's parents car to the tune of $5800 in damage. They did not press charges - we had to pay for the damage. Can you even imagine how much damage that is??? I could buy a car for that!!!!

After that, Scott and I bought a full-size body punching bag and hung it from chains in the basement (over the main beam of our home). AJ pounds the heck out of that thing and so do his friends. This is just a thought on something that helped my son and our family. I am praying for you and your family.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen I love the idea, thank you.

[Guest msnher]

I yelled at Mariah this morning. I was trimming her bangs and she refused to keep her head up and I messed up the trim. Silent tears ran down her cheeks as I finished her hair. By the time I was done we were friends again and happy. I realized I am working on a whole new set of things to feel guilty about.

We get some things wrong. We get some things right.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I love how this Indigo family works together. The love and support shared here are found very few places on this earth.

Colleen what a great suggestion for Crystal. I have been given so many gifts from this Board just by showing up and sharing I am so glad Crystal was able to pick up on that suggestion

Carol I am so very sorry for the deep sadness that overcame you yesterday Mike sending the priest back with the roses were a perfect gift from your angel

Trudie, Carol and Rhonda I too can sit with many. many should haves could haves when it comes to being Mom. Some days I can accept that I did the best I could some days I cannot . Coming here sharing and knowing I am not alone in these feelings help to dissipate them

It is so very obvious from all your shares and your re-memories that we were all good parents- who really really loved our children That is what is the most important.

Dee Hope you are feeling better

Betsy, Sherry, Susannah, Sonya, Lorrie Leah Kathy and all indigos be safe today

[mikesmomrs]

Crystal: thinking of you and your sweet angel, ASHLEE today...holding you close in my heart and sending love and strength.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmum]

Brytney, had an emotional breakdown last night grieving herself to sleep.

Crystal - My children were grown when I lost Mike, one of those 'blessings'. Their grief derailed their world, but thankfully they were old enough to refocus. Melissa changed careers, now a graduate nurse. Steven having come through some tough years found strength in honouring his brother by completing his Plumbing apprenticeship.

The punching bag does have its place in dealing with anger that is breaking out in all the wrong places. I always wonder if I don't cope or understand this 'grief' journey how is it for young people still trying to work out the world in general. Thoughts with you at this time...

Back to the hills today. Phone conference with legals re insurances we have for trauma cover. Joke of the week, might not be able to claim due to the insurers definition of trauma. Losing Mike doesn't fit, working that day, doesn't matter. But it I dropped from a heart attack or had a stroke - no problems.....Gotta love it.....

Peace to you all, be kind to yourself especially when the tsunami of memories, whys and whatifs overwhelms.

[lolynbo]

WHAT LOSING A CHILD IS LIKE TO ME : "IT CUTS YOU TO THE BONE...LIKE YOU ALMOST FALL OUT OF UR OWN SOUL REALIZING IT.."Lorri Boatright

[ModKonnie]

I mentioned earlier that Ralph and I were going to a candle lighting remembrance ceremony at church tonight...and so we did. It began with the announcer calling out the names of those from our community who had died this past year, a designated loved one came to the front of the church, announced the person's name and their relationship...mom, dad, sister, etc. They each took a candle, lit it from the larger candle, placed it in a bucket of sand, and then wrote their loved one's name in the "Book of Life" that is used to record those names of loved ones who have died. It is placed on a pedestal at every Mass celebrated in the month of November. It is a very old tradition and very comforting. After "those who died from our community this past year" were honored, Father announced for those family members to come up to light the candles in honor of any loved ones not from our community who had died, and he particularly specified "those who have lost a loved one in the past year." Well, I felt like a brick wall had dropped in front of me. This was why we came to the service...to be able to light a candle, as part of a community, in remembrance of our son...to speak his name out loud once again where people will hear it... Ralph and I had already decided that I would be the one to go up and announce Mike's name, take the candle and light it...then, wham...no, you can't. I wanted to. My feet were moving at the bottom of my legs, but my body wasn't following. Later, I thought "what would they have done, arrested me?" But, at the time I thought that I didn't want to disturb those so new to this grief, so unused to the heartache---I knew the pain that was tearing them apart.as they begin this journey of experiencing such loss..they didn't need myself going up there and making things noticeably worse...I felt like I was interrupting, you know? Weird, but that's how I felt. When they finished those who had "died this past year," I thought they were going to announce for "anyone else" but they didn't...Father went directly into the ceremony of blessing the names that had been put in the book by those who had spoken their loved ones names, had lit a candle and then placed it in the bucket of sand with the others. I saw Father walking over towards the pedestal, I heard the words "God, please bless those whose names are inscribed in this book of life," etc., etc. I couldn't hear anymore...my heart was pounding like a wild surf in my ears, drowning out the sound of Father's words, and my thoughts were running wild..."Wait!" "Wait!" That's what I wanted to shout...loudly enough to stop everyone in their tracks. Wait! My son's name is not in there and it must be! But, I squeezed my fists together and I kept silent. I tried telling myself that his name is in my heart, and in God's heart, and that that is the only thing that really mattered...but, it didn't work. The tears came. The heartbreak came, silently, fully... Ralph tried to console me, agreeing that it was in my heart and that was what mattered most. But, I felt like I had let Mike down, again. I thought of all the times in Mike's life that I had let him down...each one running through my brain like a freight car attached to a super-powered engine. When something good would start to come into the picture, it would be knocked out of the way by the speeding bullet of regret. The times I carelessly left him waiting at school after track, "running an errand" that would wind up making me take longer to get from work to pick him up, knowing that he was sitting there, waiting...the times I yelled at him for no reason...the time he asked me to mail back his high school ring to the company that made it because they had repaired it and put the wrong stone back in it...it still sits in a box on my bureau, unsent, unfixed...his whole eighth grade year of school, in a new school after returning from Italy, he was being seriously bullied by some bratty older kid every single day, but I didn't find out about it til the last day of school...why hadn't I noticed? why wasn't I there for him? the times his dad wasn't there for him and I didn't do anything to change that, or I didn't do enough to change it, whatever...it wasn't done. The time we first began to notice that he was acting strangely, but we didn't do anything about it...we didn't make him go to the doctor, we just attributed all the weird things to his new job, working 12 hours a day, the stress he was under, his new marriage, the new baby, side effects of his seizure medications, etc., etc. And then we finally had to get an ambulance and have him taken to the hospital. And it was too late...no cure, only palliative care..."sorry...this is fatal," they said. And I had let him down, again. The tears fell. At the end of the service, when Father was walking out, they left the candles there, burning, and the book was left on the pedestal. I went up and wrote Mike's name in it, then I went over to the unlit candles still sitting in the basket and I took one out, took it over to the big candle, lit it and put it in the sand bucket for Mike. then I went and got another, lit it and put it in the sand bucket for all of our angels...all of those precious children whose name is not said anymore by anyone other than ourselves...my heart is split, bleeding, pain-filled...he is being forgotten. Will this pain never end? Just as I started to walk away from the lit candles, Father came back into the building. He made his way over to me, walked on by, took two white roses out of the bouquet by the alter...he handed them to me and said "Carol, these are from Michael." The hot tears in my eyes overflowed.

carol, mikesmomrs

Oh Carol,

I'm so choked up right now, I am speechless as I picture what you must have endured. I can only say that your behavior under extreme duress and anguish was so honorable and classy. You showed poise, caring, and selfless love for others who have suffered.

Thank you for being such a kind-hearted person despite your own despair. You didn't let anyone down. You never did. You were just human, like the rest of us. We've all done things or not done things we wish we could have a re-do on, but we can't.

ModKonnie

[ericasmom]

First chance all day to post, so busy at work and meetings following. I am not all better and in fact coughed all night again so my throat is rather raw and my nose is stuffed adn icky, but I do think that this is still a virus and there is little a doc can do. I am drinking some warm water with lemon and honey adn going for a nap.

Carol, so sad that what should have adn could have been a beautiful night of acknowledgement, turned out so disappointing. It was not a nice thing for you to sit there waiting to say MIKE's name and not be able to say it. Robbed of that music. I am glad that you stayed and placed the candle and I so appreciate your lighting one for our Angels. Your heart was aching and yet, with the strength and grace of 10,000 women, you stood there and did what you set out to do.

You did not let Mike down Carol, and I will remind you of the many times you told me these same words where Eri was concerned. I yelled at her, Idated a man she and Jonathan hated and as it turned out, with good reason, and I let them down on many turns, but they always knew I loved them, they always went to sleep knowing that, and Mike did too. We are only human Sweetie, and where Mike sits today he is nodding his head and saying, " I would not have had another MOM for all the world!" You are his hero Carol, you made adn continue to make such a strong mark on Mike's life with your ever present heart, your tireless energy, and your faith that in the next place, you will hold him again. FOr now, he holds you, loving you with each moment.

Crystal, may this sad day allow a brief moment of communion with Ashlee. Blessings Dear.

[daveydow1]

Crystal-----Sending thoughts & prayers for you and your son and daughter, as you mourn the loss of your

sweet Ashlee. Peace be with you.

Carol----I'm so sorry. Your words describing the memorial candle-lighting at the church service echoes closely

to the one I had last year. The disappointment of not being included in the name reciting and the candle lighting

because your dear beloved child died more than a year ago. I felt the same way. I, too, felt that I had let Dave

down. You mentioned that Mike was bullied by a mean kid in school. That also happened to Dave when he was

in 6th grade. He ran home from school every day, and begged not to have to go in the a.m. I said to him "you are

just going to have to face off with this kid".......He answered "I did, Mom"......I asked what happened, and he said

"He beat the crap out of me". Then, out of the blue, the kid let up (or moved or something?) .... You did not let

Mike down. In that perfect place he is in, he understands so well how things don't work out right in our world.

Sometimes the grief just bowls us over, and the guilt creeps in. I guess we just have to overcome it somehow,

and we usually do, I believe. We may not understand things all the time, but in their perfect place, our dear kids

are blessed with perfect understanding by God. I hope you are feeling better. The sorrow of your words made

me cry. I wish you peace, friend.

Dee & Betty-----Thanks for the lovely poems.

Rhonda------My husband planted a pussy willow tree out in the backyard. It is already about 4 ft. by now. As you said......

West's friends probably have not forgotten him, as Dave's friends might not have forgotten him. Yep, life does go on,

and we are swept along with it, but it does hurt......remembering, or others forgetting. We may never understand, I guess.

Lorri------I, so, know what you mean about holidays looming in the near-future. I have no enthusiasm anymore, and I do

feel sorry about that. Just do what seems best for you and your family, and try to rest. ( I should try taking my own advice)

Peace to you,

Take care all you Indigoes, and I hope you have good sleep and good dreams.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity

[summergirl]

Crystal - thinking of you on this 2 months into this journey....You are stronger than you think as you are here ... I did not find this site until months after we lost Jessica....I wish I had gotten here earlier but am just thankful to have found it. I understand the pain that your children are going through and the ANGER....Tavian still has anger issues that come out now and then, it is so hard to see him have to deal with it along with the fact that he knows his "dad" is in jail....way too much for these babies to have to deal with. The punching bag is a great idea....I have held a pillow many times for Tavian and he has punched it pretty darn hard working out his anger. Don't we feel the same way ? don't we just want to hit something so hard, throw something as far as we can, scream so loud the neighbors call the police ? we have a way of dealing with it but for the little ones it is so much harder, they do not understand the circle of life. I pray for you and your family....keep going forward on second at a time....hugs to you

Rhonda - yes, I did get some good rest but busy at work again today and then came home and started taking up the patio bricks, then went inside and packed up a few more boxes so now I am tired again....guess it will stay that way until this move is complete.

Carol - you are amazing at how you put everything into words...it is as though I am sitting across from you listening instead of reading. Your candle lighting broke my heart and tears for you my friend.....such a classy wonderful woman --- Mike is so very proud of you. Oh sweetie - we all think of the many times that we "should have, could have, why didn't I, how could I have, I can't believe I did that, how come I didn't see things clearer, and on and on" - well we are only human and life does not come with an instruction booklet, all we have are our instincts and they are not always right either.....we just do the best we can and that is what matters. I too have asked myself many times why I didn't make Jessica go back to see the heart specialist....well, they always told me she was fine, nothing wrong with her so who was I to question the doctor's ??? We love you girlfriend and you are in my prayers.

I was talking to a friend (Maryanne) this morning, having coffee before work, and we got to talking about Jessica....Jessica worked with her daughter (Karen) and they had become quiet close. Maryanne asked me if I remembered calling her "that morning" and I told her I did....I remember how I got crazy thinking I had to call Karen and tell her Jessica couldn't come to work but I didn't have her number so I called Maryanne and told her to call Karen and tell her Jess couldn't come to work because she died ..... I cannot for the life of me understand why I would feel as though I had to do that.....Then Maryanne asked me if I remembered her and her husband coming to the house and I had to be honest and tell her no....she said there were so many people in my house that she only saw me for a moment and hugged me... It was hard but felt good to have someone else bring up Jessica, say her name and talk....

I love and miss you my sweet, sweet girl.....how I wish I could hug you tight, kiss you good night, watch you with Tavian, have a beer with you and laugh at all the silly drama you and your friends go through, so many things I want to do and say with you so I do them in my mind and heart.....I love you....always you momma....

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU SHERRY GREAT ADVICE...MAYBE WE WILL BOTH TAKE IT....TOM THE 4TH.....OH GEEEEZZZ

[rlolheiser]

Just plain tired out tonight, I wanted to tell you all I am ok. Just lost in everything. I used to be so organized, but I tell you old age has just hit me hard and I forget things and motivation takes me forever.

Carol, your words are so bittersweet... I don't understand why you didn't have your opportunity to share.. but you still did.. you took it on yourself to honor your angel and ours.. you are a spectacular woman.

Crystal.. my heart goes out to you and your Ashlee.

Dee, I am glad you are feeling somewhat better and hope you are completely better soon.

Social Services came out here today, more talk about taking my daughter's children away. I told her point blank that to take them out of this house would be an injustice to the children. They are safe, happy, cared for. Their mother is trying to heal, she still has a long way to go, and taking the kids would just make everybody miserable. I think she has decided to let the kids stay, at least that is what she tells us she will recomend.. I don't let my guard down because I don't trust people in general.

My oldest daughter called me today to tell me that one of my grandaughters was in an accident. No physcial problems were detected until today.. the accident was the 30th.. the grandaughter was JaBoa's best friend.. now my grandaughter will not leave the house, she is frightened.. I am afraid that the accident reminded her of JaBoa's and she is withdrawn. My daughter told me she is looking for help for her.. I feel so bad for her, I wish I were able to drop things and go to her... I like to think grandma can help.

Rhonda, I loved your angel picture..:-).. Dee, Betty, Susannah.. all your writings are so soothing.

I know I am missing something I was going to say.. prayers.. good thoughts.. love... it is all so jumbled up in me sometimes that i can't say what I should or want.. but it is there.

[mikesmomrs]

Thank you all so very much for your kind support and understanding of my upset over the circumstances I found myself in at the ceremony at church on Tues. I have thought about it many times since then, and I have decided that I am going to do something about it. I will have Mike in my heart when I call Father and ask to speak with him. Then when we meet, I will make some suggestions for changing the ceremony a little so that others who, like myself, had expected or would expect to take part in it would have that opportunity. I can understand their wanting to only print up the names of those whose family members have died in the past year, from our church, as it would take a very long time if they included a reading out loud, etc., of everyone there who had lost someone. However, I think it would not take that much longer to just let those others come up, who have lost someone in their lives, and want to remember them in this very symbolic and comforting way. Father Andy is one of the kindest people I have ever met, and I don't anticipate his not doing everything he can do to make this possible for the ceremony next year. This way, I will feel as though I am doing something to make things better for others, and also, in the process, find a way to further Mike's loving memory by using it as a means to make something that is already beautiful and necessary, even better for many others. I will keep you posted.

Lorri: Thinking of you and holding you close in my heart on this day...a day that changed your life and the condition of your heart forever. While Mike's illness did not run its course in the same way that your precious Kourtney's did, I can try to understand the pain of your vigil, the searing of your heart with each day that passed and your beautiful Girl did not come back to you. Hope is something that we cannot see or touch, but it is always there, living in our heart, no matter what is driving it down and tearing it apart...I know that you hoped, and you prayed, as you lived that nightmare, and I pray now that God will send you comfort and healing to help diminish the memories that tear you apart by instilling more fervently the memories that allow you to relive those wonderful moments spent with your daughter throughout her life.

Trudi: I am so glad that both Melissa and Steven have taken a course in their lives that is making their sweet brother so very proud of them...as well as helping them to live a happy, fulfilled life for themselves and their children. Your sweet son stands by his brother and sister, and their babies, guiding them, cheering them on in their endeavors, helping them to walk this road of life that is so craggy and foggy sometimes. His memory lives on in them, and he is part of their children, as well, and always will be...just as he is a part of you...living forever in your heart til you meet again.

Dee: I hope that tomorrow finds you somewhat better---perhaps the sun will shine on you and bring you closer to feeling better...

Bonnie: How goes it with the two little ones who have sharing your heart and your home? How is Rich's new job working out?

Kathy: I am glad that your friend was able to help you to feel good by bringing up Jessica's name, and talking about her with you. It is always heartwarming when that happens, isn't it? Two of Mike's friends have stayed in touch with us, Denis's mom, on the now and then occasion when I speak with her, usually will mention Mike's name. It never ceases to please me.

As I sit here now, posting, the smell of sandalwood is surrounding me....my son, my precious son, I miss you so very much...does the sorrow I feel over your not being here make me "create" this memory to comfort me? I think not, I think, I have to think that it is a gift...a gift that I will allow myself to wrap myself in, to comfort me. Thank you so much, for all such "gifts" that you have given to me since you left here and slipped to the other side of the veil. I love you so much, James Michael, and always, always will.

love and peace to all of my Indigo friends, thank you so very, very much for the gift that you all give to me---the gift of yourselves.

carol mikesmomrs

ps: I came across this picture of Mike, taken in September of '06...his wry smile lighting up the room...you just know that he just said something that caught someone unawares and was quite pleased with himself over it...

[mikesmum]

Sandalwood - Is it the longing of the heart that brings these things to the fore, I don't think so. If you need any 'support' for when you approach the Father re introducing a time for all those who have lost, please call on me.

I have arrived in the hills. Been hit with an avalanche of bills and need to be done chores - so logging on early evening here.

Bought this site up, then hit YouTube looking for a Billy Thorpe song. Only typed YouTube...got YouTube, Beloved One. For those who don't know, this was a song Micheal chose to reflect his love for Lauren. She had been his partner for 10yrs. They drifted apart. It was played as a background to the slide show Lauren and her brother Mike did for Mike service.

Messing with my mind, something that Mike would relish.....

For you all both Ben Harper and Billy Thorpe......

Good Night all.......Trudi and Muttley.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5FnuEF6XcE

[mysonrich]

Dearest Carol, I am so sorry this happened to you and I can certainly empathize. I have to remind myself that the clergy are people,human and capable of mistakes,misjudgment. Its a sad fact that their actions or inaction,can be so very damaging to our emotional well being. More so coming from "a person of God". I remember last year, I gathered up Rich, his remains, and attended a service on his angelversary. I told BI of my visit at that time. Carol, you were appalled. The pastor refused to say a brief prayer on that "holy" day, refused to say a brief prayer in private and refused to mention Rich's name during the service because, " these people don't know you". guess what, they never had the chance after that. I was in shock. Now that time has passed i do plan on writing a letter to that Pastor. i will let him know how debilitating his callous actions were to me.Granted,he had just "graduated" from seminary,but having a young family I will enlighten him to the fact his actions that night and the end result were very powerful. I will never attend church again.

Peace to you and Ralph on this day and lets get the word out,the letters mailed.

A rainy day here after 2 glorious, sunny,blue sky days. That's ok. Time for a walk.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, while reading Carol's post yesterday I was brought back to your same situation, I remember the ache in your heart for this treatment. I thought, oh no, not again.

Carol, I do hope that you will talk to the pastor/priest/ whomever, and clear this notion up that those on this path longer no longer need the spiritual lifting as we did in that first year. Thank you for your work in this.

Lorri, as you wander through this day and the following, take our hands knowing that we are holding yours.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - I remember you telling us of the incident with that pastor. Oooooh my blood's boiling hot just thinking about it. That was just plain cruel. And, although the pain and emotion that evoked in you is the same or at least similar to the pain Carol went through, I don't think the incidents are the same. The pastor you approached was an inconsiderate jerk. I've worked myself into a mad.

Carol - I'm glad you're going to talk to the Father. Perhaps they could do something like the ceremonies for the victims of 911. Have two people with microphones in the front of the church alternate reading each name and date of the person who has died. They (or someone) could have written their names in the book before the ceremony. While the names are being read someone else could be lighting the candles for them or maybe they could have a special candle already burning for those who have passed and then do their special ceremony for the last year angels. Your father (is that what he's called?) sounds like a caring man and I have a feeling it broke his heart not to be able to acknowledge each one. I hope I'm right. I hope he's not like Betsy's "pastor".

Leah - I'm so sorry to hear of your granddaughter's accident and the emotional trauma it wrought. I'm glad your daughter is looking for counseling for her. I certainly understand the anxiety over the chance the state could take your grandchildren. Boy do I understand! I will keep you all in my prayers.

I just glanced at the time and I have to get moving. I ahve a busy day ahead of me. Love to each one of you!

I hope we each get a smell or a song or something we know only our angel could send, today. I'm really needing one......Stephanie, if you're reading this......

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

Good morning to ALL. Thank you thank you thank you for all the prayers you have said. It touches my heart deeply. I dont have much time to respond to all the posts right now but I must say "Atta Girl Carol!"

I must get busy on the phone to find somebody who can repair my vehicle. It was time to leave work on Tues but it refused to start so it has been sitting there in the parking lot at work . Sure would have been nice to have a warning that there was a problem brewing but like life, we arent always given a heads up of problems to come.

I have plans to visit with my cousin Kevin this evening but should probably cancel due to this aweful cold I now have. He sure doesnt need anything else added to his misery. Im afraid that I may not get another chance to see him before... I will definitely talk it over with another cousin who is a nurse before I make any decisions. Dee, I believe you asked his age? He had his 50th birthday in Sept. He has had back problems since his teens and not able to do much as far physical labor. Partly because it was in his mind that he wasnt able to and the fact that our grandparents ( who raised him ) didnt teach him about reality and what needs to be done in life. They did anything and everything for him. Kevin didnt finish school so lets just say he isnt the brightest crayon in the box. He does have all the street smarts and the biggest heart however.

I have asked Linda ( cousin/nurse ) to keep my visit between the 2 of us. No need in having the other family members start wagging their tongues. They have their opinion and I have mine. If I have learned anything from our experiences it is the fact we all want and need to be loved and forgiven for our mistakes. Nobody is perfect, including clergy

Time is flying this morning so I must get busy. Stay well indigos and make the most of what you have.

Thank you all again!

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Carol, I was reading back a little, trying to catch up, but didn't make it very far---Got sidetracked by your painful story regarding the candlelight service. I am SO SORRY and saddened for you that this hurt you like it did. I certainly can understand it, but I truly don't believe it was meant to hurt anyone or forget those who have passed away beyond that past year. The service was held on All Soul's Day, which is by tradition in the catholic church the day that commemorates or a remembrance of the departed faithful who have yet to be purified before entering Heaven--according to catholic doctrine. It is the time of Indulgence and prayer for the deceased so that their time in purgatory may be shortened, or something to that effect. I have not come across any doctrine that specifies how long that period of time should last. I think it varies, according to the sin and deeds of the deceased during their lifetime and the petitioning prayers and indulgences offered in their behalf after passing away. Forgive me, I am not entirely versed in catholic doctrines, but this is my basic understanding of what All Soul's Day means in catholic tradition. That said, I am guessing that the priest was following some kind of ritual that has been that of the local church's for a very long time, in that they make special commemoration within the first year of death, primarily on this calendar day of the year. I had read that All Soul's Day was a mandatory time for catholic parishioners to attend church, and I am guessing it is for this very reason--the indulgences and prayers for the departed. Given that, I can sort of see and relate to why the church and priest would focus primarily on the most recent of deaths, as there sees to be an urgency for them. I am assuming that the church and priests are also making assumption that those who have departed prior to the past year have already been addressed in previous years, according to their time of death. I could be wrong, and the church may have just held a 'candlelight service' to honor all that have deceased, and in a way they are honoring all. But it seems to me that the church recognizes a very specific purpose during this time of year. Perhaps the church assumes that given the time Mike has been gone, he should already have been purified and gone on to Heaven. AT least that's the conclusion I am drawing based on the church's focus for only the previous year. I don't think it was anything more than that very thing. But if people are not schooled in the practices All Soul's Day, I can see how this could become a confusing mess. Maybe in talking to the priest, he will see your point and add some kind of remembrance for those gone prior to the past year. But if the way the service was held came in longstanding tradition according to the doctrine of church and purgatory, I pray you are not offended if they decide it should remain as it is. I am only bringing this up in the event that the latter is the case, so that you might be prepared in advance to hear that. I pray it's not the case and they do incorporate something more in for the families to honor their departed during this time. Hoping it all works out for you! xoxoxoxo Love, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Hi Claudia, just saw your post, how are you these days?

Hi Gang,

I finally slept well after a week of not, feels good to have had that and in that sleep I had a dream of preparing for Eri's birthday. Eri's birthday is not even around this time but for whatever reason, and so I was inviting folks from our old block, moms and daughers mostly, and my sisters and nieces, and we were all going to go to a restaurant in the city. At one point, while waiting to leave for the place, I worried that Eri would not be there. I called her, don't know if she answered, can't remember that part. I do know that I purchased a pretty bracelet for her and that she liked it very much. I saw her face very briefly, and that is all I remember.

It was a good feeling though, when I woke.

I took a natural supplement last night that I forgot about: Olive Cuticle. My homeopath chiropractor sold it to me and said to take it when you feel something coming on, so I did take two and then two more and I am much more clear now, sinus and throat less clogged.

Leah, prayers for your grandgirl. I am sure the trauma from the accident that took JaBoa is fresh as can be right now, and the fear factor is growing for her. Therapy would be a good thing, especially if she never had that chance after losing JaBoa.

Lynn, maybe you can wear a mask or something, I would hate for you to lose your chance to meet with your cousin if he is that close to leaving. You are a good support for him, it will make a good difference in his life that you sit with him. I am sorry that his life has been less than it could have been.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dear Carol and Betsy I am so very sorry for the increased sadness and pain that you both experienced. while seeking solace in a house of worship.

Betsy, I do remember how saddened I felt last year when your recounted you devastating experience. I agree a letter should be written and I know you will express your pain in a meaningful manner.

Carol I believe that Claudia's assessment of the ceremony is correct. We also had the same service in my church and it was handled in the same format. It certainly will not do you any harm to address it. If it is possible to alter the format I am sure Father will.. Loved Mike's smile It is mischievous

Dee I am glad you are feeling a bit better and am so pleased you had your dream of Eri. I am still waiting I never remember my dreams so Maybe I dream of Stephen and do not remember

Leah I am sorry about your to her grandchild and pray that you get some respite and that your family is able to recover without any more crisis

Sherry I am so sorry to read about Davey's school experience. I too have enforced rules about school that I now regret Davey and Lisa were very fortunate to have you as a mom I always say Stephen did not come with instructions and I really did the best I could with some difficult issues. I know we all did

Trudi I love that your sign off now includes Mutley's name. I do feel he is an Indigo as well. The songs were beautiful and made me cry

Lynn I hope your car get repaired and that you get your visit in.

I had some serious news about my sister last night They have found what may be cancer in her lung (she has not smoked for 40 years). They are not sure if this is the primary cancer of if cancer is in overaries and has metastasis More test needed Please pray

Susannah, Kathy ,, Rhonda, Crystal. Shawn'smom,Lorrie and all Indigos --- you are in my prayers

Stay well

[Crystal16]

Dee- I'm envious you had a dream of you Eri last night. I pray every night God would give me the gift to see Ashlee or to sense she's around.

Carol- Sorry too that the church was not more sympathetic to everyones needs. Also thank you for sharing Mike's picture he sure has a smile that would brighten up a room.

Susannah- I am praying for your sister I hope everything works out for her.

Thinking of all you and praying you get through the day!

[mikesmomrs]

Susannah wrote: "Carol - ... Your father (is that what he's called?) sounds like a caring man and I have a feeling it broke his heart not to be able to acknowledge each one. I hope I'm right. I hope he's not like Betsy's "pastor". "

You are right, Sus, Fr. Andy is a wonderful, kind person, and I think that he will at least listen to what I express regarding my feelings and those of all others who have lost a loved one longer than one year ago. Sometimes it just takes someone outside the room to turn on the lightbulb. I hope I can be that someone. Father Andy came to our parish one month before Mike was confined to bed. He was so very kind to us. Even though Mike was not a member of our church, Fr. Andy extended his kindness and comfort to Mike without a thought to Mike's church affiliation (Mike was a member at the time of the Evangelical church), coming to the house to offer prayers and visit, and coming to Mike's wake to offer prayers and comfort. He has continued this kindness with us...always coming to us to inquire how we are, remembering Mike's anniversary, etc. When Ralph was in the hospital, Fr. called us more than once, to let us know he was praying for us and sending us his good wishes. Betsy, I do remember your experience, and remember feeling as though I couldn't breathe as I read your heartfelt words and felt the sorrow that enveloped you, your sense of being so alone in your grieving. I wished I could reach through the computer and hold you.

Claudia: Thank you so much for taking the time to post your explanation and I do understand that much of the ceremony is tradition and doctrine, etc., thus understand that I may be told that the manner in which the ceremony is held cannot be changed. I will not be offended by this...I have been a Catholic all of my life and know that tradition and ceremony are a big part of the community. As well, I understand the "doctrine" that dictates the purpose of this service. I am hoping that perhaps a small part of that ceremony held on All Soul's Day could be extended to include the loved ones in the hearts of all those present and allow these people the opportunity for honoring the memory of that loved one, It is identified as a "Mass of Remembrance" and thus it would be nice if all present could express that "remembrance."

Dee: I loved your dream, thank you for sharing. I am glad that the natural supplement has helped with your cold.

Betty: I am so sorry to hear about your sister...you are both in my heart and my prayers.

Lynn: good luck with your vehicle...and sending prayers for your cousin Kevin...as Dee suggested, perhaps you could wear a mask when you visit? The comfort extended would go a logn way towards helping to ease his struggles.

Leah: Praying for your granddaughter that she may have strength to help her through this ordeal. Prayers for you, also.

Trudi: Micheal is indeed with you---sending you songs to sooth your heart. He has used this medium to show his nearness before, hasn't he?

rainy and cold here today, but we need the rain before the hard freeze comes...just about all of our leaves are gone...we had our yard cleared of leaves the other day...today it looks like we never bothered! We have a huge maple tree right in front of our house, and the leaves turned a bright yellow..with all of its leaves shed now,.it looks like a huge sun has placed itself like a blanket over our front yard

Sending love and sweet rememories to all of my Indigo friends..."A16" to all.

carol mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

A rainy day off. My Aunt slept well,but very tired and pale. Diet guidelines and about the same med's. She has 4 children that should assist in follow-up appointments.

Carol, With your gentle way, the meeting with father is sure to be a success.

Betty, I did write to The Lutheran Church,Missouri Synod, last January. business format,"just the facts,ma'am". I did receive a reply. Given that the Pastor was new and given the fact that he has a young family, just like mine, a girl and a boy, I plan on writing to him on a "human" level. He will never fully understand. I don't want him to know "this". A learning lesson for us both.

Susannah,. Thanks. watch the bp though.

Trudi,Dee,Lynn,( I did pray for Kevin,hugs), Crystal,Rhonda,Leah,Claudia...Lorri, I hear you...BI, peace.

[mikesmum]

Sunshine here today (in the hills). Early start much ground to cover before the grandies arrive this afternoon.

Couple of things -

Lynn - Check with your cuz about the cold. Masks can be a solution in the short term. Stealth visits in family situations are sometimes the best. Why complicate things.

I guess I snoozed through the post that explains A16. If someone would be so kind as to catch me up that would be nice.

As for the church thingys.

All souls day - thought that meant all souls. Not wanting to change the doctrine of a church as old as time itself, I think the suggestions made here should be palatable, acceptable and within the guidelines.

Slept poorly last night, not sure exactly why. Might hike across to Mikes place this afternoon for a little R&R.

Betty - you are so right. Muttley Dog (MD) is so much a part of this journey and the healing from losing Mike.

Take Care all you Indigos -

Trudi & MD

[Guest msnher]

A16

Jonathon was four when the kids came to live with us. Jasmine was six and Mariah was 7. One morning while I fixed Mariah's hair in the bathroom, off of the kitchen, Jonathon and Jasmine sat drawing and writing at the kitchen table. We could hear everything they were saying. The following conversation:

Jasmine: "Jonathon, how do you spell 'I love you?' " Mariah and I stopped and listend for the answer...

Jonathon: "A" there was a pause as he waited for his sister to write the letter A"

And then he said, "16" There was another pause as Jasmine looked at what she had written and then said, "Jonathon, that's NOT how to spell 'I love you'!"

Jonathon shrugged and went back to coloring. Mariah and I both burst into laughter. So.....A16 means I love you.

A16!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Just lost my entire post........ARGGGhhhhhhhh. I'll try again.....

Betsy-----I think that it would be a good idea for you to write to the preacher and let him know how you

felt, and feel. It could help someone else down the road from the same thing happening to them.

Lorri----Oh friend,.......sending thoughts & prayers to you this day. Peace be with you, as you struggle through.

Leah-----Praying for your little granddaughter . Bless her.

Dee-----Glad that you got a good rest & are feeling better. I have not heard of Olive Cuticle. Is it an herb? Sinus

problems are dreadful, and seem to be chronic. I always get headaches from it.

Betty----When Dave said about the bully "He beat the crap out of me".......I do believe that he exaggerated some, but

he did have fears.....because the kid chased him home from school every day......making threats about what he was

going to do, no doubt. I talked to the principal.......he was no help.....said he had to "see" the bullying take place

Just how that was supposed to happen. I can't begin to think. I said "can't ANYONE do anything about that kid?"

He just shrugged. They did not take bullying very seriously in that time....not like they do nowdays. You are right.---

no instructions come with our little bundles of love, and as you say, most all parents do the best that they can.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Hello my fellow indigos

Well, we had a few snow flakes today. I am wondering how my car will handle in the snow. My Buick was awesome in the snow. That car was heavy and had alot of power. This car is MUCH lighter and has a bit less power. My new car slid abit today. That is scarey.

All 3 of my boys were home sick today - Trevor, Aaron and Scott. Men are such babies when they are sick. They took meds and slept and whined and slept and whined some more. So I came home from work early and played nurse.

I finally cooked a sirlion steak today and I did not burn it - I burn everything. I am notorious for starting to cook something and multi-tasking myself into forgeting about it. This time I babysat the steaks and they turned out great.

So we are all sitting around, lounging, sleeping.

Thinking of my friends to day

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever.

[ericasmom]

Col, what sickness hit the menfolk? I know some kids at school have the 24 hour throw ups, while many of us have this virus that causes such congestion and headache, sinus issues and a bitter cough that hangs on and on. Take good care of yourself NURSE. Funny, we don't have steak often, red meat maybe once per month, but today on the way home from school and gym, I thought, HMMMM< steaks sound good. I did not stop however, we had some leftovers and a salad and homemade applesauce.

Betty, prayers for your Sis, deep prayers.

Sherry, Oliveceutical is a dietary supplement that supports the immune system, it is olive leaf extract which is particularly helpful for upper resp. infections including used for ear infections or the preventions of such. So I took two more tonight, and hope that I will continue to clear up. The school nurse told me that once a cough is established and it is viral, it can last for up to 8 weeks. ICK! So this extract has some zinc and echinacea in it as well as 500mg olive extract. I'd never heard of it till this year when I was feeling like an ear infection was brewing adn my chiropractor/homeopath said, try this.

Sherry, Betty, Carol, All, we will always regret some of the ways we lost our patience with our KIDS, there will always be those days when I kick myself over and over for the ways that I mismanaged things with ERi. How dearly I wish I did not make such a deal out of school, it was never going to be her thing. Today I met a woman in the warm water pool who is about my age and we got to talking. She sent her girl who is now about 30 years old, to a boarding school out east for kids with learning disabilities. It is called LANDMARK School. My jaw dropped as that was one of the schools that sent me their information when I was thinking of finding a good school for Eri years ago. It made my heart skip a beat to know that this woman did what was best for her Daughter by sending her to Landmark, knowing that I could have taken a loan to get ERi there back then, but could I have handled her being so far away? Could she have handled it? This woman said that her daughter loved the school and learned to not only accept her learning differences but how to work with them. I am glad that places such as this exist. Eri and I fought a great deal when she was a young teen, she hated that I married John, that our lives changed yet again. But it is the human condition, and I do know that Erz came to realize that we would work together better when she got older adn we did. I know she wants me to keep working on those things I love to do, I feel her support.

L:orri, how are you getting through the day?

[mikesmum]

Colleen - this was sent to me by other ambulance officers after I commented on the 'man cold' and how it takes even the sturiest of men down like a wounded deer.

Sus thanks for the update.....

A16 Everyone.....

[lolynbo]

IM OK GUYS THANKS FOR ASKN....WORKED AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET TODAY...KEPT BIZZY...IM SURE TOM I WILL COME DOWN LIL BIT....AS I WAS TELLN MARCIA A FRIEND OF OURS HELPED HIMSELF TO $185 IN GAS...CHARGED IT TO OUR BUIZINESS....,SO HE WILL PROB BE ARRESTED WHEN THEY CATCH HIM OR HE FILLS UP AGAIN....THIS IS SOMEONE THAT WAS A CASKET BERER AT KOURTNEYS FUNERAL AND KODY HANGS OUT WITH WHEN WERE NOT HOME...SOME ONE WE TRUST ALOT.....GEEEEZZ..

BUT YES TODAY WASNT TO BAD...LIL KOURTNEY SUE IS 1 TODAY..

[ericasmom]

Lorri, glad that the day was nicer than you imagined, but oh, what a jerk to fill a tank on your dollar! Wow!

But again, i am happy to know that you worked in the place named after Kourtney, seems so fitting that she continues on in so many good ways. You are a good woman Lor.

Trud, oh my goodness that manflu was great! And now you are back to the hills where the family needs your time and energy, and I imagine you also get a jolt from them to carry with you back to the ocean. Spring is coming to wrap you in the sweet smells and blossoms all around, the birds rejoicing as their clutches are gathered. Long walks with Muttley under changing skies and clouds that will bounce and change with the winds. Oh time moves through us and we go along as best we can, taking our Babies with us on each journey.

[mikesmum]

You know how we divide our lives into times before and times now. Things we could handle back then and things we can't now. I have been working on being around the ambulance service by thinking with my head and not my heart. For the most part is works - short term.

Today I was having coffee with Mal (working but on a break). His cover was an ambulance officer Margo. I've know Margo for just under 10yrs. So far so good. As we sat in the sunshine talking Venus Bay, kids etc. A 4X4 Intensive Care vehicle pulled up. Out stepped Peter. Peter is an ambo I have also known for around 10yrs. Nothing special about these three with one exception.....they were 3 of the 5 ambos who worked on Micheal. While I have seen them individually over these past yrs, I haven't seen them together since 07.

It felt like someone sucked the air from my chest and I really had a hard time following the conversation so excused myself with a 'need to do the shopping'.

Its not so much a bad experience its a then and now experience. These people are amazing people who I once shared many things with, just now there is one more thing that brings me to a shuddering stop.

I talked the rational talk to myself as I pushed the shopping trolley around....yes people looked at me.....but hey.

I feel better this afternoon, another 1st that I wasn't expecting, followed by a holding of the breath and a huge thump. But it passed as quickly as it registered...

Just wanted to share........now I've got that off my brain I might just have a long relaxing soothing bath.......

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: I am so glad that the day was okay for you...likely, as Dee said, working in Kourtney's Kloset helped you feel closer to your beautiful girl.

Trudi: The before, and the now..our lives, every day.. Oh, those breath-sucking moments...you handled yourself with class, my lady. Walking away, talking it over with your heart, all good things that helped, I am sure. Micheal was right there with you, as well. Watching a TV show tonight that we always watch, there was a flash to the courtroom, showing the people in the first row...right there on the outside seat, a duplicate of Mike when he first shaved his head, before his chemo and radiation treatments started...he figured he'd get a jump on the hair loss! Ralph and Davis both sucked in their breath...I just sat there, wishing...

I am glad you are feeling better, Dee...keep on with the feeling better til it's gone...hoping yours is not one of those "8 week" coughs...ugh!

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[4everjoeysmom]

Carol, I didn't mean to imply that you didn't know tradition or doctrines of the church. Please forgive me if it was taken as such. I was recalling how being thrust bak into deper grief, we don't always see reason beyond our own. I was looking more at what the church believes to be a time of limbo, so to speak. I, myself, do not believe there is such a limbo. The God I know, His mercy is bigger than to leave someone hanging dependent on whether others pray for them or not. I do hope they decide to openly remember "all" in the future, as Trudi said. All means All! xoxoxo

Hi Dee! Thanks for asking how I am. Things are good here with me. Not so sure how I will fair through the holidays, because being so far from all whom I love is difficult in itself. The economy has tightened things up for us more this year, so we likely won't be able to do too much. But I hope to make a visit in the Spring, after the Little Nugget (my grandson) arrives. Hope you are well! xoxoxo

[Guest msnher]

I write. I always have. In my youth writing was my friend. There was no one else to talk to. I had notebooks full of poems or letters never sent. Sometimes I actually wrote in diary/journal fashion, pouring my heart out onto the paper in front of me. That's how I passed the time in class during my junior high and high school years. I was alone. I was the loudest. I was the boldest. I was the girl who exuded the unpleasant smell from her body because she didn't know it was okay to shower everyday. I was the girl who was 40 to 60 pounds overweight and wore the ugly clothes. I was always alone. But, I made sure others knew I was there. In those days everything was black and white. I belonged to a religion I deeply believed in. Holding on to the unshakable doctrine of that religion was also my source of survival. I spouted great "truths" to others about how my religion was the only true religion.....shunning blacks and even Christians.....while I wrote "I HATE ME!!" several times across the page as the teacher in front of the classroom gave his/her instruction.

I never felt as though I belonged. Well, never is a strong word. There were times I felt exhilarated and valued. But, after the "gathering" of friends, I would berate everything that I said or did and judge myself harshly for the person I was. Hating myself for being so outspoken, ugly and stupid.

For the most part, I've overcome the self hatred I carried through the first 44 years of my life. For the most part, I like me. Well. When I like me. When I don't like me or I don't quite measure up........well......I'm that loud, overweight, socially illiterate, stinky girl trying to act like it doesn't matter. The girl who tried to "fit in". But, never did. "God's foster child." That's what I used to refer to myself as. Wanting so desperately to be a part of a family unit. Missing my blood mother and sisters with every fiber of my being. Crying myself to sleep at night because the emptiness without them left a huge hole that only food could fill.

I never quite fit in with my sisters, either, however. They excelled in their foster homes. Arlene was fortunate enough to get to live with a blood uncle and his family. She was always beautiful with her long, red/brown hair, deep set hazel eyes and tiny little figure. "The book worm". That's what my mother used to call her. Our mother. Our mother would tell her to "get your nose out of that book and do something!" My mother, of course, rarely did "something". We lived in extreme filth. No food. No utilities (only because the bills were never paid). We moved from one house to another in one town after another. I don't think I ever completed a full year at the same school. But, somehow along the way I learned to love reading and writing. Perhaps because my sister loved books.

She took me to the library for the first time. It was in Tonopah Nevada. Tonopah was the only real source of security and stability in our childhood. Grandma and Grandpa lived there. Even though my mom and step dad lived in several houses in Tonopah, Grandma and Grandpa always lived in the same house.

The library was just a few blocks from their house. Tonopah isn't a big town. Every thing's just a few blocks away......

The library was more of a small white house. Like most of the houses in the center of this mining town, the steps leading to the door were right off of the street. There was no sidewalk or yard. There was the road and then there were the steps. If my memory serves me right the library was painted white on the outside. Three, maybe four, wood steps led to the screen door of the library. Arlene had given me the lecture about being quiet in a library. I felt so fortunate to be allowed to accompany her on the journey she usually took by herself. She may have been stuck with me that day and had no choice but to allow me to tag along.

As the oldest sister her burden of caring for me, for all of her younger sisters, was often quite heavy. Six years my senior, she did her best to care for me. She loved me. I knew it. She called me her little tweety bird. I couldn't pronounce my r's or my l's and I was difficult to understand. My other two sisters teased me about my speech impediment, but not Arlene. I was her baby sister. Maybe it was the wasy I said her name that endeared myself to her. "Awwene"

I was four or five the day she took me to the library. Both of us dirty. I wet the bed, so I reeked of stale urine. My smell didn't seem to bother my sister. She did what she could to wash my face and pat down the stray hairs with her spit before entering the little house that stored her most cherished treasures.

The smell of old books.

How does one describe the smell of books? Ink, paper, leather, combined into one beautiful aroma of magic. Perhaps there was a hint of musk in the smell of the old musty room. Shelfs lined the four walls of the small house. The lady behind the counter looked just like the librarian portrayed in the black and white movies I watched with my mother. Loretta Young, Lucille Ball, Doris Day my favorites.........

As I walked through the door I was met with the smell of books for the first time in my life. The tall, thin woman behind the counter looked up and smiled at my sister as we walked through the threshold of fantasy. No movie with my mother was ever able to take me to the place books would soon catapult me to.

With the help of my sister, I picked my first selection of many to come in the future. It may have been the quietest I'd ever been in my life. Carrying my treasure to the skinny lady behind the counter I proudly opened the cover so she could stamp it. The smell of black ink and alcohol filled my nostrils as she explained the stamp was the date I had to bring the book back. Arlene had already explained the importance of returning books on time.

That book. That first book. That story would be my escape for several years to come. I don't know how I would come to have a copy of the book. But, I had my own. Perhaps I stole it. Not from the library. I would never steal from the library. I had too much respect for the treasures within. Probably the store, or perhaps the school once I was old enough to attend. Nonetheless, I had a copy, myself. By the time I was six years old I had memorized every word on each page. I knew the story by heart. It became my happy place. The top of the tree where all the characters of the book gathered. The trip to get to the top of the tree. Each page became my own escape. Waiting with anticipation to read the last two pages............"Do you like my hat?" "I do. I do like that hat." "Good bye..."

Go dog go by Dr Suess.....a child's escape.

Well.......................none of that was the intention of the direction of my writing this early morning. But, it takes me where it takes me....

Thanks for "listening."

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

What my point was...........was to tell you all I write. That's how I work through "stuff". Any and all stuff. Yet, lately, I have "writer's block" unless I know I'm going to have an audience. I write better when I know someone's going to read it. Isn't that weird? Sure wasn't like that in my youth! In fact, when someone (a foster mother) conviscated and copied pages of my journals without my permission or knowledge, I stopped writing altogether for several years.

Anyway, I was writing to work through the mental cartwheels that were preventing me from sleeping. I ended up writing about something totally unrelated and without any plot. Shrug. It happens. I still tend to need an audience. Go figure. My spelling, punctuation and grammar do not make for pleasant or comfortable reading......but, I write. That's what I do. Since finding you all, I write to you!

[mysonrich]

Susannah, I like the top of the tree too. I would definitely be checking out that tree if I had a copy of the book in front of me. The legs sticking out from under the branches, where is the other half? And in our Gallery at BI there is a pretty little girl, Ashani. I like her hat! I do like that hat. Good-by

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - I like Ashani's hat, too! Beautiful Angel Ashani.

[lostwoher]

I made the visit last nite! Kevin shouted out my name when I walked thru the door which brought huge smiles. His voice is quite 'raspy' but still audible. He looked better than I imagined but with sunken eyes. We didnt talk much as the meds keep him groggy so he dosed off and on. His neighbor Tony has become a very good friend and does alot for him when the nurse is not there. Makes sure he takes the meds, food, cleaning... Sure is a big help for my aunt and I for one am grateful. Kevin asked how I was and without missing a beat I replied- " Good, how are you?" Well duh!!!! I just wanted to sink into the sofa and kick myself for asking a ridiculous question. I now am one of 'those people'. Being the kind of person he is he let out a giggle and said " oh, I got myself into a funk this time and cant get out". What a trooper. My aunt told me it was very unusual for him to be so awake and coherant. Usually he is curled up in his recliner crying out in pain. It is my belief that Kayla was there helping him so we could have this brief moment together. Im so glad I went and will try to go at least once a week.

My nephew Cory texted me last night wanting for the whole family to get together for Thanksgiving. We havent shared a family holiday in over 10 years. I have been contemplating asking my mother to come to my place this year. Brief background: We have been estranged for 4 years with a few brief encounters. Recently I saw her at the grocery store and she had to show me her new dog Domino that she received on my birthday ( 10-10-10 ). She was in need of a few things for him so Randy and I bought what was needed. Out of a huge surprise to me, I received a thank you card from her. This is the same woman who I had escorted out of Kayla's service because she made a scene and took advantage of my son while there. She thought it was a good time to shame him for not visiting her. I have been working thru these issues and try to push them aside so we can reconnect. She is my mother afterall. Anyway, I offered to hold the holiday here for anybody who wants to come. Not sure if its something I can handle but it is something I would like to try this year. My mother & my father in the same home for a holiday- hmmmm this may be the making of a new world crisis lol.

Thats enough dysfuntional talk of my family for now. Thanks for listening.

A16 everyone!

[Crystal16]

Susannah- Absolutely loved reading your post. Ashlee enjoyed to journal actually after her death I read a few she had stored away with so many feeling's about how she saw herself. It was titled "I am, who I am." She was tall with big feet, she felt as thou she was a disappointment "which she never was" but felt like she was. When I was

pregnant she wrote she would be a sister to a bastards child. She was in love and he accepted her unconditionally but everytime she wrote but I am who I am. I fight for those who are weak and take care of those that are in need. My daughter loved to write her thoughts down on paper so it wasn't bottled up in her and making her resentful.

[shorty16]

Lorri

OMG - what a jerk for spending 185$ on gas. He must have filled up many times to get that amount.

Personnaly, I would have driven to his house with a police escort and told him exactly how I feel...But, I tend to do things like that. I am a Big Mouth sometimes.

It is amazing how people can take advantage of someones heart. Especially since so much of the money you have for Kourtney's Kloset is donated to you.

Karma is a B*tch

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Lynn I am so glad that your visit went well!! So glad that your spirit enriched so much His being so awake and joyous was a gift. He also showed his great sense of humor I loved his responds to your asking how he was. By the way I do not think your asking how he felt was out of line. It is interesting how the family is now reaching out Good Luck with Thanksgiving.

Trudi I could feel your sadness and apprehension when sitting with the people who were all there that terrible night that you lost Mike. My sister lives only a short drive from Stephen's old house. Each time I visit her I can feel all the pain begin to rise as we approach his little neighborhood. I make sure I NEVER pass his house. I know I would loose all that I have gained these past 3 years if I did.

Betsy I love your sense of humor and how you view the world and Ashani's hat Susannah I love to read your "ramblings " Always touch my soul just as Dee's thoughts reach out and embrace my heart

Crystal I also found Stephen's journal. He kept this diary from the time he was 12 . Some parts were hard to read and I cried. I still kept it because it brought him closer to me I am glad you keep coming to BI and sharing It really helped me..

Lorries thinking of you during this hard time

Sherry, Kathy,Carol, Rhonda, Colleen, Claudia, Bonnie, Shawn's mom, Krithiemom and all Indigos A16 and I pray for peace for this day

[ericasmom]

Trudi, how strong you were to sit and converse while this thought was emerging at the table. I know that that would send most of us into a tail-spin and I think going to the market was a good way to leave with grace. So happy that it was not a deep hole afterwards, but a time for reflection and readjustment and realignment. I think Mike is smiling hugely as he points to the others, "see the tiny fierce one, that is my MUM."

Lynn, I agree with Betty, it was not out of line to ask how are you to your Cousin, in fact it was probably good for him to be able to answer in his funny way, showing his bond to you. I am so glad that you were able to connect on the level you did, and I tend to believe that Kayla had her hand in helping Kevin stay alert and strong for this visit. She is right there, hanging out and ready to assist him.

Good luck on the plans for Thanksgiving. I think you brave for this undertaking and I think that if you were not ready you would not have opened the door to the possibilities. It does not mean it will be an issue-free event, but it means that you know that you will be okay even if it isn't. My goodness, I bet Kayla is sitting proud of her Momma.

Sus, the piece you wrote is memoir, a slice of time that tells so much about the writer. It is a beautiful piece of writing. That is what memoir is, pieces of a life, a specific time in space. You nailed it. Often when we set out to write something, a whole other thing emerges and that is what needs to be written. I have always loved to write to unclog and also to tell a story, it is my release as well.

Reading Ashlee's journal must be very bittersweet, having her words near you and so close in time as well as seeing who she was in her mind's eye. She knows how deeply you love her, she has no questions of that. Hang tight as you find your balance. It is normal to lose that balance for days and weeks at a time, but know that it will return. Your job is to try very hard to take good physical care of yourself right now. Mind/body connections are important. When we really cannot change the sadness of our situations, we still must assist our hearts and broken parts by taking care of our bodies. Grief is the single most depleting entity I think. So try to keep up with some sunlight each day, some nutritional needs, hydration. Keep coming back to this place, where we all really get what it takes to get through the early days of loss.

[westleysmom]

Dear Indigos-I have been reading the past few days, but not able to write much. I have felt such despair as we go into the busy holiday season. I feel like I want to get in the bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. I know that the pain goes there with me and there is no escape. My friend Susan had a call from her pastor regarding All Saint's Day. I think she finally decided not to go, she didn't think she could and hold it together, so she didn't go. It is all so unreal. I went somewhere yesterday at lunchtime that I had been with Westley and my husband in December. That day, we were going to the funeral home for a friend's MIL and Westley helped us pick up the food and flowers to drop by there. Then we all three had lunch at a pizza place. I remember that day so clearly that it hurts my heart. I miss him so much. Trying to pick out a Christmas card to send from the office staff where I work, I was looking for some from last year. I found a Mother's Day card from him in my pile of cards. I don't think it was the last one, that one was at the house. I usually bring cards like that to the office to put on my desk for a few days. So another round of tears. I broke down at work yesterday after most everyone was gone and told my co-worker that I didn't know if I could make it. I don't know some days how to keep going, or why. My family is beginning to make plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas and I want to say "Wait, we can't have holidays. Don't you know he's still gone? If I want to see him, I have to stop at the cemetery on the way?" I know I have to find my way to make peace with this, but I don't know how.

I think of you all as we go through the days and nights without them.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I know of that ache of facing holidays while your heart is in pieces, shattered and gone in many respects. I know from experience that the best thing to do with the holidays is lay low if you are able or get away if you desire. We went to John's sister for Thanksgiving that first year, and my sister came and they left an open space with a plate and all for the missing person at the table which I greatly appreciated. The symbolism was dear. Christmas was quiet, I needed it quiet and we had my first husband Mike over with Jonathan on Christmas Eve for dinner and a quiet gathering of broken hearts. The next day I walked in the forest after opening some sweet gifts from my husband, and we went to his Mom's but did not stay too long. I needed quiet. Do what feels like is best. It will change over time, but now is what is important. I am so sorry for the excruciating ache, I am holding you as you weep.