Loss of an Adult Child

[lostwoher]

Dear Indigos,

Im having a difficult time and need to ask a favor from those of you who pray. Recently my cousin ( Kevin ) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately it was found in very late stage and it has spread throughout his body. The doctors have given him less than 6 months. We, like a few here, are a very dysfunctional family so he doesnt have the support he needs. I am one who can forgive and move on but not them ( my mother & sisters). I saw his mother yesterday and it took every ounce of energy to not lose it while standing in Walmart. She looked at me and said, " We arent suppose to have to bury our children are we?" Oh how many times we have all said those exact words.

I am asking for a prayer to be sent in his honor. Thank you. XO

Dearest Kayla,

I know you are there waiting for Uncle Kevin. Show him that big smile with open arms when the time is right.

Im envious he will get to see you before me. Love and hugs Sweet Pea.

[lolynbo]

KODY HAS FATTY LIVER THANK YOU GOD YOU ARE AWESOME...MEDS AND DIET CAN CHANGE THIS....

[shorty16]

Lynn, I will pray for Kevin.

Hello Indigos

Well trick-or-treat is over. We had about 30 kids. I handed out hand-fulls of candy - I am sure they loved our house. The first time we have been home for Halloween since Brian's death. It seems the 3rd year is the charm for me. I am finally able to take part in life. I just ran away the past 2 years.

Rhonda - You will be suprised and I am suprised at the kids that remember our sons. Of course, in the future, they may not think of him as much as they do now, but they will never forget. I just wish they would remember the good days with Brian and not the one day he died doing something reckless.

Cold here in WI and this is suppose to be the warmest day of the week - WINTER is coming.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Dear Lynn Here is my prayer

Heavenly Father please surround Kevin in the cloak of Your All Perfect Love. Grant him the peace and courage to walk this difficult path with dignity. I pray that You grant Lynn's family healing at this time so that they can hold on to You and each other and know the power of your compassion.

I would also like to ask that Davis be taken up into the palm of Your hand and feel Your love. Ease the pain of his many losses and show him a clear path to life.

Hi Indigos

Susannah Loved your vision I am unable to go to the place our angels inhabit but I love hearing the experiences from each of you who are so fortunate.

Trudi I pray the dark cloud will lift again and you will feel Michael Shane in the wind and sky and cloud and right next to you.

Lorrie good news about Kody. Sounds like you had some Halloween fun aw well

Rhonda Wesley and his beautiful smile, sense of humor and energy will never be forgotten So glad you ran into one do his friends and had a chat.

Leah So glad you had fun with the children and had your powerful experience with JaBoa. You stated how powerful this Board was and I must agree. I remember when I first found"Beyond Indigo " Stephen had passed over a year and I was very much in the abyss. I could not believe just reading . sharing, posting could bring me to accept this new place with such dignity and compassion Carol , Dee , Trudi, Bonnie, Sherry and Sonya and many others said the words and encouraged me to be where I am today. If I had not stayed and participated I would have been in that black black hole for eternity.

Thank you each and every Indigo who shares and posts and enables me to try just one more day.

Betsy Thinking of you

[Guest msnher]

Prayers for Kevin and all of you, Lynn! I just don't even know what to say. You and your family are in my prayers and I'm so sorry you all have to walk through this.

Trunk or treat sounds like a lot of fun, Rhonda! I became weepy just reading about Ruth being at the cemetary with you. I agree with Colleen, I don't think their friends ever forget about them. Your first holidays without your son. Deep sigh. It's so difficult. I find myself actually looking forward to them this year. Last year sucked big time!

I'm sure the kids loved your house, too, Colleen!

Since I didn't sleep last night, I am laying down for a nap now. Well, I lay down for a nap at this time even when I do sleep the night before. Love my naps!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Colleen - dont worry, winter is holding on here with a wet and cold grip.

Lynn - Thoughts with your family, prayers for Kevin as he faces this diagnosis and all it entails.

The cloak is wrapped around me, but having been here for just under 4yrs, the weight of that cloak is lightened by my BI friends.

Spent so much time ripping out a noxious creeper that had overgrown 3 large Banksia trees and 1/3 of the yard yesterday. Tired, smelly and so sore I slept solidly for 11hrs.

Woke with cloudy vision...damn bark and dust in the eyes.

Christmas - Well, its another day in the week. I guess I'm working it like its having the kids over for dinner.

Micheal was the 'christmas' spirit. He would begin the day with 'grazing breakfast' of ham, fresh fruit, muffins, crossiants, lollies etc... of course there was the 'cocktails'. He loved being 'naughty' serving his nanna an irish coffee for breakfast. Both would wink and smile....ahhh but I ramble.....

Back out for the walking in the rain....love that puppies don't care as long as they get to walk........

[heartbeataway]

Dear Indigos,

Im having a difficult time and need to ask a favor from those of you who pray. Recently my cousin ( Kevin ) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately it was found in very late stage and it has spread throughout his body. The doctors have given him less than 6 months. We, like a few here, are a very dysfunctional family so he doesnt have the support he needs. I am one who can forgive and move on but not them ( my mother & sisters). I saw his mother yesterday and it took every ounce of energy to not lose it while standing in Walmart. She looked at me and said, " We arent suppose to have to bury our children are we?" Oh how many times we have all said those exact words.

I am asking for a prayer to be sent in his honor. Thank you. XO

Dearest Kayla,

I know you are there waiting for Uncle Kevin. Show him that big smile with open arms when the time is right.

Im envious he will get to see you before me. Love and hugs Sweet Pea.

Praying for Kevin, for you and for your dysfunctional family. How many losses does it take before a family realizes the importance of each other? Sorry Love!

[ericasmom]

Lynn, I am so dearly sorry that Kevin is so ill. He must be some kind of strong to not have felt the illness till now. I will pray, now and all over the place for your sweet cousin Kevin. Blessings to you for holding him close. How old is Kevin?

Sweet Lord,

please grant Kevin a pain-free existence and one that is filled with the forgiveness that can widen ones heart to include so much more, so much of life to take with them on the journey of their lifetime. Let Kevin feel the healing love of his family rather than the hard adn cold anger that separates us all too often.

Kayla Dear, gather the Angels to help soften the ache for Kevin as he finds his way to you, let him be cushioned in love, in That Next Place of home.

[daveydow1]

Hello Indigoes......Not much to say today.

Lorri------Thank goodness that Kody's OK, and that diet etc. can remedy his ailment. Prayers.

Lynn-----I will pray for your dear cousin, Kevin.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL HERE IN THE BI FAMILY

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

My first 'assignment' for Calligraphy class.

Lesson "Gold leaf isn't that easy to use'

.

[summergirl]

Lynn - praying for Kevin as he goes through the journey ahead....I too wish family could forgive.

Trudi - I might be a bit crazy - ok I am crazy - but I thought calligraphy was writing ?? I love the picture but I am confused so please explain to this simple minded person...

Love, Love all the pics....

Lorri - thank you sooooo much for the idea - I read it to Tavian and he said "wow, that sounds so cool and I have alot of shells" - so I will be going on-line to Hobby Lobby.....thanks again girlfriend. Whoo Hoo for Kody, I am so happy for all of you....prayers are answered...

Suz - thank you sweetie....I love you thoughts of our "digging up" the garden....Yes it will be a new beginning and I have a feeling that Jessica defintely had a hand in this whole moving thing....Barry and I have not been this close in quite some time and I think Jessica was getting a bit upset about it and decided to send us on a new journey......a new beginning, a re-start, whatever you want to call it. The tears have come and will continue as the end of the month comes upon us and we are completely out of this house and into the new one....I will take one last walk around this house when it is empty of material stuff and relive some of the wonderful memories of the times with Jessica - but as I close the door for one last time she will be going through it with me.

I am CRAZY at work....so much to do and catch up on now that I have taken on a whole new department. Taking over where someone else left off is not an easy thing to do, especially when they do things the same but different.....so I am busy trying to get all the files in order plus keep the other 4 departments up to date. Well, I am off tomorrow (Tavian in school) so I will be busy at the other house.

Dee - Tavian's teacher finally called me today and left a message. Basically said that Tavian's behavior has improved 100 percent so we do not need to talk until parent / teacher conference. She said she moved him from his table with friends to a table by himself as he was being "too social" (just like his mommy) and that it has helped him alot, she will keep him there for the rest of this week and then will put him back at the table and see if he can handle it....I talked to him about it today and he said "mi-mi, I have been really good and I am trying hard" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time but instead I hugged him, told him I was very proud of him. So, we shall see how it goes from here.

Well, I am off to check out Hobby Lobby and see what goodies we can find. Love, Prayers and Peace to all, Kathy

[kmb22]

Edit

[lolynbo]

THIS IS THE PIC I WANTED TO POST LAST NIGHT OF MONTY..AND IM GUESSING KOURTNEY...

[lolynbo]

ERIC THE PICS ARE POSTING WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TO BIG......

[mikesmum]

Kathy - I too thought Calligraphy was the art of writing with specific fonts in ink. But I am now being educated in the artwork that is with many historical documents and books....The book of Kells is one. Lettering, knotwork, frames, embellishin in gold leaf part of what makes up Calligraphy..

http://www.snake.net/people/paul/kells/image/kell2bmp

[ericasmom]

Trudi, the work you created is lovely, love the gold leaf adn I have heard it is extremely difficult, like using a light weight paper that will not stay down. Did you need to use dry brushes to convince it? So pretty. I also thought that calligraphy was the art of lettering, and I see it is that and so much more.

Karen, I love to see a long post, never apologize for a long one. It is nice to read your responses to others and to see how you spent your day. Sounds like many were thinking of your Shawn today along with you. I am so glad that you were able to hold the baby. I know that my many great nieces adn nephews thrill me and JOnathan loves being around them. We will always wonder if ERi would have babies. I tend to think that she would have several kids. Three maybe. Don't know why just do.

Anyhow, glad that others were there thinking on your Boy, letting you know that they will always remember. Same with you Rhonda, the kids will always remember our Kids. How sweet that the young girl was there and spoke about Westley. I think that if you can talk and cry in front of the young ones that are the friends of our Babies, they tend to feel more relaxed and less afraid if they cry. We invited Eri's friends over one month after she died, for dinner and conversation and of course tears adn laughter. With her birthday in April and Eri fest in July, we do keep up with many of her friends. I am grateful for this.

Lorri, hooray for Kody and thanks for letting us know.

Kath, good, glad the teacher finally let you know.

My cold is kicking my butt again/still. I went to work today thinking I would feel better, was getting better yesterday but I coughed all night and my throat got worse again. I am beat adn have called in for tomorrow. I have a sub coming and I am resting all day long. HOORAY!

peaceful dreams all

PS Leah, I do believe the energy that the young girl carried with her as she walked toward you was a message indeed from JaBoa. She is peaceful, she is like the light you saw and the feeling you had right then. Pure.

[mikesmomrs]

Lynn, I am so very sorry about your cousin, Kevin, and that it is so difficult for your family to extend forgiveness...sadly, many are like this, and I pray for them...God, please wrap Kevin in your loving embrace, ease his pain, soften his journey, and allow forgiveness to erase the anger that has been present...allow all to recognize that loving one another is healing in itself...

Trudi: I pray too, that the dark cloak of sorrow leaves you soon, allowing the warmth of the coming summer days to penetrate your being and allow the comforting joy of sweet memories to fill your heart once again. Micheal is with you, but you know that...in the colors you see in the sky, in the shapes of the clouds, in everything that surrounds your day. Holding you close in my heart, dear friend. The lettering is beautiful...I also didn't know that calligraphy was so entailed and involved more than just lettering and writing. You are doing beautiful work. I know that Christmas in the hills is likely not what you had planned, but I am glad that Melissa and Steven felt able to relate those wishes to you.

Sus: Always like to see your thoughts become words in print...they lead us all down roads to places of comfort, mystery, awareness...thank you for sharing. As for your question of posting pics in the middle of a post...after you click on "Attach this file" to post a picture, you can put your cursor where you want the picture to be. Then go back down to the picture that you want there, and over to the right, click on "Add to post" and it will post your picture where you had left your cursor. If you want the picture in the middle of the page, then put your cursor in the middle of the page before you click on "add to post"

Leah: I agree, the peaceful feelings you witness and felt as the young girl passed you by surely were sent to you by your precious sweetie, JaBoa, letting you know that she was and is always with you. I hope your knee is better today.

Lorri: So glad that the news is good about Kody...such a relief for you all. Re the pictures posted being so large...when I post a picture, I usually go into my photo program (I have Microsoft Digital Image Pro 9, which is kind of old, but I feel comfortable with it), and open the picture in that program. Then I go to "format" and then "resize image" I generally have to edit the photo down a few sizes and make sure the resolution is not over 300 or so. After I save the changes, I notice that the size of the picture has changed from perhaps 800 KB or so to maybe 250 kb or so. This generally produces a smaller sized picture after posting here. I noticed that your last picture posted was over 2 MB, which is quite large. I have posted this question to Eric on the "how do I" part of the site.

Dee: I am sorry that your cold hasn't gotten any better...hope your day of rest allows you to take care of it. Rhonda: I am glad that Ruth showed up at the cemetery while you were there. It must have been comforting to know that she still thinks of Westley. I'm glad that you had the chance to sit and talk. When I found out that Sarah had taken finally taken Damon to Mike's memorial site on Mike's angelversary, my heart was comforted.

Betty: I can't remember if I already posted this or not...but just in case, I did want to say that you and your sis look so much alike, both very lovely. I am glad that you got the chance to spend time with her...she looked very happy to have you there by her side.

Colleen: I am so glad that you had fun on halloween...and I am glad that you feel as though you are able to find joy in the holidays again...I know that Brian is smiling with you.

Karen: I am glad that others who love Shawn showed up at the cemetery while you were there...the support received from this is immeasurable. I'm glad you were able to hold the baby, Shawn's namesake. I am sure Shawn was surrounding you all with his love. Betsy: I hope that things are continuing to look up for your dad...and that you and your brother are continuing to communicate, as least as much as it takes for you to feel comfortable about your dad's care and well-being.

Kathy: I loved Susannah's description of your replanting of Jessica's garden. "Jessica is going with you to your new home. I can't help but think she may have even orchestrated it. The new garden will not only symbolize who she was, it will symbolize who she IS. She is new, transplanted, yet very much alive and present in your lives. Still growing. Still beautiful. Transplanting her garden is a perfect analogy of her transition to the non physical. "There is no death." " I am so glad that you are nearing completion of all your work. My heart will be with you as you take that one last walk through your house before you leave it for the last time...when I did that as we moved from our old house, I felt much infused with all of the memories, sad and sweet, and took them all with me...standing in the room where Mike breathed his last breath, I felt as though I needed to pick up the whole room and take it with me...instead, I let him fill my heart with his life and walked out with his spirit surrounding me. So glad that things seem to be going well with Tavian at school, and that he is recognizing that he can help change it and is working at it. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers for Davis and for Tyler and his family. Davis is not ready to talk about it yet, though I did see him feeling a bit less down today, thankfully.

This is a full week for us...we have Damon every day...his other grandmother is still pretty sore from the car accident, and finding it difficult to walk over to school to pick him up when he gets out of kindergarten, so we are filling in for her. I just love picking him up...he is SO enthusiastic when he sees us and comes running out, both arms extended, so filled with joy. We also have some follow up appointments for Ralph, as well as his continuing PT so the days will be full.

take care my friends...wishing a good week for all of you...Sonya...Bonnie...Marcia...Crystal...Claudia, and others I've missed...

carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

This waking up at 2am every morning is getting old!

Dee - Colds can wear a person down quickly. I hope you get feeling better soon. This has nothing to do with colds....but, my pediatrician's nurse (also his wife) is supposed to call me today to schedule appointments for my kids to get their chicken pox immunization. They didn't have that when my kids were young. We just wanted them to all get the chicken pox to get it over with. I'm glad we don't have to go through it again.

Here's my take on friends of our kids remembering our kids in relation to the day they died.........I think in their everyday life they remember and talk about our children and their living experiences with them. I think when they see us that horrible day is brought front and center in their minds. Unless we are fortunate enough to have Eri's friends who keep in touch with Dee. Their relationship/bond has carried on from the day Eri died so they are comfortable talking about other memories. None of Steph's friends have called or come to see me since the service. Not one. I'm not upset about it. I'm not sure I understand it, and, yet, I do......understand. Anyway, I'm not mad about it. I know they drive by her crash site because I find fresh flowers, notes or candles there occasionally. I want to qualify that I do speak to a few of her friends on facebook and I run into them here and there. They just haven't come to my home. Which, considering some of ehr friends, might be a good thing.

Last night Stephanie's ex and I sat and talked about her for a while. I'm not real compassionate towards him when he expresses his pain over Steph's death. For obvious reasons.....he caused her a lot of pain in life...

Carol - I've been wondering about Ralph. How's he doing?

Kathy - How's your son?

Lorri - How's your brother?

Lynn - Unfortunately, death has a way of bringing families together. I say "unfortunately" because it's usually after the person is gone we realize how petty our differences can be. I hope your family will rally around Kevin before he's gone. This has to be hard on you. So many familiar emotions.

All my spouting about loving peace more than we hate war ... I'm right........I know it. But, then I made the mistake of reading the news. It's hard to concentrate on love and peace when there is so much hate and war.....not to mention natural disasters. The book of revelations seems to be playing itself out. Well, a lot of prophecy seem to be playing itself out. Nostradamous...etc. I'm tempted to quit reading the news. But, I'm sort of addicted to it now... We still need to love peace more than we hate war. I don't know how to pull it off. Maybe like the song Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow sang at the Restore Sanity rally. We can care.

Okay. Enough pontificating from me!

Love to you all...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

Beth - I'm thinking about you! Praying days are a bit brighter...

[Guest msnher]

Testing I just love her! (Jasmine)

Practicing with pictures........ adoption day

I'm not sure what this picture is. I think Jonathon and Kaylee. It's too small for me to identify right now. But, I didn't resize it before posting so it will be too large if you click on it...that's if I'm successful in posting it.

By George (or By Carol) I think I got it!

[Guest msnher]

Open question...........How did Beyond Indigo come to be called Beyond Indigo and what is it's meaning?

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Susannah I do love all the pictures The adoption day one is so touching. How fortunate the children are to have such a caring family.

I cannot answer your question regarding the Reason for the name Indigo. If I hazard a guess I would imagine because it is an ancient color dating back to the mummies in ancient Egypt. The color that is in dispute as to being an official color or a hue. I feel it is like life and the after life a different hue--- changed but the same. That is my made up story. I am sure the Founders can tell you the true reason.

Karen I am so glad to see Shawn's handsome face this morning when I signed on. It is certainly touching that the entire family gather at the cemetery to honor him at the same time. Holding warm thoughts of you

Dee I am glad you decided to take the day off You do deserve to stay in bed, with arm tea and naps Get well soon.

Trudi Like others I also thought that calligraphy was a form of writing You are certainly talented. The color, design and presentation of your work is spectacular. Give Mutley an extra treat from me.

Carol I in listening to your recounting your last days in your home and absorbing the essence of Mike from every room. I recalled that is exactly what I did when I sold Stephen's house and donated all his furniture. The entire neighborhood came over and cried as the Race car and truck were hauled away The re memories of all that lived in that home are truly a part of me and I can travel thee at will. Kathy will be able to do likewise.

Betsy, I hope your Aunt and Dad are fee;ing better and that you are able to take a few pictures of the wonderful wild life that you encounter

Sherry, I know you are a busy lady these days but would love to see fall in your area of the world. We have a falcon family living tin central Park I have gone up to see them but have not been successful Nature is amazing evening the city.

Crystal. Colleen, Beth, Leah, Rhonda, Bonnie, Lorrie and all Indigos be well I am off to vote and visit my sister.

[ericasmom]

To me, Beyond Indigo means WAY BEYOND BEING BLUE, we are beyond a sad day, we are grieving. Indigo is beyond a regular blue in color/hue, grief is beyond a sad day.

The Tuesday siren is going off and usually that happens when I am in my sunny classroom while my students are at music. I am usually listening to music and catching up with you all. Today I am home, eating oatmeal with cranberries and honey. It is a cozy feeling. I am still in my jammas', pink cotton button down shirt with poodles in france all over them, and long matching PJ pants. Love these, like little kid jams for big old ladies. But home sick I feel as I did when I was little, kind of like I am playing hookie and yet, not really well enough to play anything. It is voting day however, so husband and I will walk to our polling place a few blocks away and place our hopes. I am terribly worried about a whole party that would like to take a woman's choice away no matter her circumstances, which happens to be the same party that wants to allow no tax on wealthy folks, and will cut spending on schools and education. Sorry to harp, but really?

Trudi, this mood will roll past you soon and in its wake leave the clarity we are always so blessed to feel even if it is brief. The change of seasons are a fight that goes on all around us but often it goes on within us too. Barometric pressure bouncing from our brain and our spirits get whomped. Memories flood our senses when the seasons change, making us painfully aware of the march of time. But alas, we find our footing again, and we move forward with a lighter sense of this day and the next. I am wishing you blueskies.

Karen or Crystal, who was it that posted a photo last week and I don't think I commented on it, the angel in the sky? IT was so very clearly an angel, loved it, made my heart happy and it fit so nicely with the rainbow of cloud matter in Trudi's photo. I do believe we are surrounded by Angels.

I dreamed breifly of my cousin Gill last eve. I went to bed thinking and praying for your cousin Lynn and I guess it led me to Gill who is not the worlds best communicator but he is my dear cousin who lived in the same two flat as we did growing up. He is one year older minus one day of me. WE were always close. He has cancer, I found out in the summer and while he said he was going to come to ERI fest, he did not and has not answered his phone but once. So Gilly, I sure hope you are healing.

Again to all those new here, let the holidays go if you are able adn if the thought of them is making you anxious. If husband or partner or kids need to do stuff for the holidays and insist on your being there, explain that this year is not the year to insist on you. Ask the others in your lives, if you can adn want to, to let you soak in the holiday as peacefully and freely as you can, and that may mean being alone with your grief for those days.The tears need to be free to fall, not blocked, not pretending. If you are free to cry in front of the others, and you want to partake, then do but do not feel the pressure from others, we have enough internal pressure as it is. We are BEYOND BLUE, we are INDIGO.

[ericasmom]

Oh Sus, I have a writing assignment for you and Everyone that may want one, actually I have many but I will post one or two and youdecide if it is right for you.

Open a poetry book could be a kids poetry book or just one off the shelf at the library, open to any page, grab a line. Then write from that line being your opening line. It is called, WRITING OFF THE PAGE. It really can produce some great poetry or short memoir. Don't spend too much time looking for the best line, just take someones first line or last line or even a middle line and use it for your next piece of writing exercise.

Then of course there are assignments that ask you to write about Your first love, first kiss, first fight, first loss, first pet, first everythings. Also exercises that ask you to examine how you learned things: swimming, skating, reading, riding a bike...all of it wonderful ways to remember, to look inward and see that little kid, help her/him to continue to be present in your life.

Okay one more, since we were talking about INDIGO as color, the exercise is to think of a color adn take a 15 minute or longer walk and note everywhere that that color pops up on your walk. Write for 15 minutes about the color and its presence.

[Crystal16]

Dee- Well said regarding the freedom to cry when we need to. That is how I honestly feel I don't want to pretend I'm okay if I'm not. Also, Karen was the one who shared the Angel picture which made my day too..

I'm thinking of all of you each and every day!

[westleysmom]

Dee-Feel better soon.

Carol-Glad to hear that Ralph is doing okay and Davis is feeling a little better.

Susannah-There is a soldier's death nearly every day in the paper since I live near Ft. Campbell KY. It is so sad, they're usually young, although some are a little older and have wives and kids. I hope it ends soon, but it won't be soon enough for some.

Trudi-The calligraphy is beautiful. I thought it was just writing too.

Betty-Is your sister better? I can't imagine how hard it must have been to close Stephen's household down. It sounds like you were very gracious and generous throughout.

Lorri-Getting guys to eat healthy isn't easy, but hopefully Kody will cooperate. I'm glad it is something that he can work on and he doesn't need surgery or anything.

Karen-That is nice that the baby is named after Shawn and that they brought him to the cemetery while you were there. I know how hard it is to go there, but I feel like I need to go. There's usually no one at our little cemetery and I like to talk to him alone. But its nice too when someone else who loved him is there.

Crystal-Hang in there. Glad you made it through Halloween.

I tried to attach a picture, but it looked like it was going to be huge and I lost my whole post trying and had to re-do. I'll try in a little bit. Have a good day all

[ericasmom]

For our Down-Under Sister Trud,

I found a poem I'd written in2008 about the change of seasons to spring, the struggle, the promise-

The earth is like a saturated sponge-

sodden and forgiving

and I know that in the lenthening moments offered us each day

that spring, like my Daughter,

is right around the corner

[westleysmom]

Picture from Halloween at church. I thought it looked like a dove or an angel. Hope this posts

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - Wow. No words...just wow!

[ericasmom]

Beautiful Rhonda, to me an angel, but I am in an angel mood today, going through some piles of kept mementos, crying and putting them in some order. NOt an order that any other human might understand, but an order that makes me more comfortable. My home office is a giant mess adn the space is not being used to the fullest, so I must change this, it is my cluttering self. As autumn causes the winds to blow I am more inclined to clean my clutter knowing I will be forced inside more. So it is time.

Sus, love the photos. Jonathan's eyes are so pretty, those lashes reaching upward. Can't get that affect with mascara.

Going for a haircut soon, stopping at the cemetery to give ERi some pinkish mums.

[Crystal16]

Rhonda- Thanks for sharing your picture. It looked to me like a dove, it was beautiful.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - first assignment done. This is fun! It only takes a few minutes. Nap time now....

Taken from the poem “Progress” by Ella Wheeler Wilcox from the book, “The Best Loved Poems of the American People” published by Doubleday pg 140.

“Let there be many windows to your soul”,

With more colors than found in the most beautiful rainbow.

Don’t close yourself off with prejudice and pomp,

Don’t be afraid of the differences, but cherish each one.

Keep simple the vast meaning of life,

In wonder and awe, let love be your guide.

Be open to change and honor the journey.

Explore different paths; Be not in a hurry.

Expose your deepest emotions without fear of rejection

Reach out to others; do not expect perfection.

For as you reveal your pain from within

The miracle of healing will surely begin.

by Susannah Thompson

[Guest msnher]

Oh. I'm horrible with punctuation...

[lolynbo]

THANKS FOR ASKING MY BROTHER SEEMS BETTER TODAY...HE SAYS HE REALIZES HE HAS TO TAKE HIS TIME TO FIND SOMEONE

YES KODY AND MONTY EATING RIGHT CLD BE A CHALLAGNE (SP)...BUT WE CAN DO IT...

LOVE THE ANGEL/DOVE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL...

FIXIN TO MAKE CHILI AND FRITOE CHILI PIE ITS 53 KINDA COOL TODAY...

[mikesmum]

The day is full of sunshine this morning. Slept well, heavily, working in the garden is exhausting, but in a good way.

Home to the hills this weekend. Steve & Kelly need a babysitter from Friday, so back I go. Zak is healing well, but a trip down here is a bit too much.

Yes its good that Steven and Kelly are able to tell me that they want to spend Christmas together. Its hard enough at times to work with the 'new' me let alone work with 'can't ask her about holidays'. Melissa is taking Christmas off this year instead of working her hours around that day.

The last of the gardening is about to commence. Yesterday I decided to divide and repot an orchid Mike Melissa and Steven gave me on my 40th...yep its been pot bound for a looooonnnnnnnggggg time.

From one plant I now have 8. Christmas gifts for the kids

Dee - This was the last assignment.. I will bring back one of my poetry books from the hills for the next one.

I am from an oversized eiderdown covering a large wooden bed. I am from the security of its warmth, the peace of the sunlit room where I lay miles away from the chaos of my parent’s home. I am from the bay window in that very room where I sit and read knitting patterns dreaming of the day when I might create something wonderful.

I am from a brightly lit kitchen warmed by the wood fired oven. I am from atop the counter where I can sit and stir the cake batter so I might be awarded the bowl and spoon. I watch in awe at the baking done by ‘memory’ alone.

I am from the dark and smelly toolshed. I am from underneath the workman’s bench covered in grease and a scattering of tools, trapped as the one door is blocked preventing my escape. I am from the crack of light from where I can see the safe haven of my grandma’s backyard and wish she would find me first.

I am from the dappled light reflecting across my child’s room. I am from the arms of the rocker that cradle us both as I stare in awe at the precious life I hold. I am from the shattering of a peaceful night by the cry of one so young so helpless. I am from that same rocker where the gentle breathes and smell of baby warm my heart and soul......

Rhonda - Clouds, fascinating things...

Muttley is barking at the rolling surf...can hear it from here.....

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: so glad that working in the garden is tiring you in a good way. working with the soil, things that grow...healing, balm to the soul. I love that you have 8 plants from the one... Glad to hear that Zak is better, also. I thought your writing assignment result was awesome...took me right there with you, everywhere you were "from."

I had posed a question to Eric regarding resizing pics for posting...he said that this program does not have that capability, but offered to "good web sites" that do...they are simple to use...you upload the picture from your computer (at the "browse) line, resize it (I usually use 350 or lower)...the lower the resolution, the smaller th epicture. You then save it back to your computer and post as usual. I tried them both and the latter one seems to work easier.

here's his message with the sites:

"The board doesn't look like it allows us to set a maximum image size for uploads, but i did find a free resizer at http://www.shrinkpictures.com/ or http://www.picresize.com/. these seem to be free and pretty easy to use, anyone should be able to resize photos so theyre not quite so giant!"

Thanks, Eric, for the quick response!

Susannah: I loved your poem creation...

Ralph and I are going to a memorial service at church tonight...it is mainly to remember all those who have died from our church this past year, but also includes any others who we wish to remember, by saying their name and lighting a candle for them. I will light one for all of our angels. It is a solemn service, but one that serves to bring back the good memories, as well.

have a good evening, everyone.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

hello all, Auntie is out of surgery. blockage in the back of her heart. One stint in.

Since Rich's death I don't think people know how much anxiety heart matters cause me. I guess I didn't either until now. And, my friend that asked ,right before I move,"what will you do if your Aunt dies". smack up-side the head for her!

Betty, thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. Auntie was transferred last night to Robert Wood Johnson, New Brunswick. I was watching NY news, caught a segment showing a parade. Were you there? I missed that your sister was ill? You both look great in the pic.

Trudi, beautiful work!

Dee,whatever is going around certainly hangs on to it's victims. z-pack helped me. Hope you rested and feel better soon.

Leah, a very special visit from Jaboa indeed.

Susannah, after 9/11 I had to turn the TV off and watch what I read in print. I still do that today. news can be overwhelming at times,especially with CNN 24/7. I opened the paper the other day. All very bad news on pages 1-3. I chucked it. the number of young people that lost their lives ...dumbfounded. I have since learned that my co-workers son was murdered while trying to get out of a gang. The Bloods and Crips(sp)....how does one or a city fight back? Great pic's btw.

Carol, always good to see you and I love the avatar.

Rhonda, looks like an angel to me!very cool.

Crystal, Lorri,Sherry,Lynn,Colleen,Kathy...thinking of you all at BI

[Guest msnher]

Wow Trudi. Your writing "I am from" makes me want to read more from you. I haven't been able to get in touch with where "I am from". Too many places and emotions. You did a great job!!!

I agree, Betsy. I may have to toss the news for a while myself. Or at least be able to separate myself from it. Difficult to do with all the pain in the world. We don't want to bury our head in the sand, but gosh...sometimes it's just too much.

Carol - I don't know if this will work for you, but I resize my pictures and save as so I don't change the initial picture.. I can manually choose how big I want them. For me it's trial and error. Some are too small. Some too big, obviously. Sometimes I get it right.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Sus: Much to hubby's dismay, usually when I change a pic for whatever reason, I 'save as." Thus, we have duplicates of duplicates and it drives him mad! got to go...church starts in 20 minutes.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Betty----So nice that there is a falcon family in Central Park that you might be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of.

My husband has planted more perennials, and place more rocks around Davey & Lisa's garden. He has so

much energy for it, and I'm glad. I have taken a few pics around here lately, and will try to get them on BI......as

you know......I'm not the greatest at posting pics. . We had a killing frost the past few nights, so all the

flowers are done for the season. We have TONS of leaves down also. We brought in all the pumpkins and

gourds, and picked the last of the green peppers before the frosts. Now, all the stores remind us that Christmas

is just around the corner. Sometimes I'm just not up to it.........I know that you know what I mean. Peace, friend.

Betsy-----It's nice that you see all the deer. We see them here, but have not seen any bucks.....just does and bigger

fawns. they were coming to the backyard regularly when the chestnuts were falling. They appeared when the

grandies were here, and the kids were so excited to see them. thanks for the pic of Rich in Jester hat.

Lorri----Sending prayers for your brother. Hope he is doing better, and that he will take time to just let things happen

naturally. I'm glad he is ok.

Rhonda-----You are right----young people seem to be able to move on with life easier than when you get older. That's

how I feel too. It was nice for the friends to stop by when you were at the cemetery. I feel that all of Dave's friends have

forgotten him.........at least it seems that way to me. Never hear from any of them anymore. Even his very best friend

does not mention Dave's name anymore, and it has been quite some time since I've talked to him. I do realize that

they must move on, and do move on, but it is painful to think that our beloved child may be forgotten, isn't it?

Sus----Thanks for the Halloween pics.....so cute.

Karen----I bet that the little great-nephew is a sweet baby. It was nice (and thoughtful) of them to name him after Shawn.

Trudi-----You have written such a beautiful "I Am From" . So nice that you are able to plant flowers now. I keep forgetting

that you are in summer now. Frost has gotten all our flowers. I picked a bouquet of marigolds for the house

before it got so cold.

Dee-----Great poem you wrote. I am praying for Gill, that God may help him and ease any pain he may have.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[hotrod]

Hi indigos

Betsy Good to see you and so glad to hear that your Aunt is recovering I know it is so hard to just keep showing up.

Rhonda I agree it is definitely an angel How great is that

Sherry I hear you about the energy but hearing what you do Dressing up and chasing granddies, gathering gords, peppers etc You are a busy lady as well. Looking forward to your pictures

Dee Trudi and Susannah I loved your Poems

I am hesitant to share mine as it is the first poem I have ever shared but with Dee's gentle guidance I will take the risk Here goes

What Might have Been

I saw this Poem oh so long ago

Pondered it deep in my heart

Today I feel the depths of Pain

Engendered by that thought

You were flying High and Free

The wind was at your back

Your smile warmed every room

Nothing could hold you back

The gifts of life overflowed the bounds

You revealed in these joys

No thought did we give to what Might Have Been

What was-- was more than enough

Then one day a dark cloud appeared and overshadowed everything

We gathered together and said, "No worry at all

We will conquer this

we have conquered all the rest"

But the storm clouds grew dark

They enveloped you

Oh how hard you fought

Until the day when an angel came

and brought you quietly home

I look down the years

And have to smile thru my tears

At the sweet memories of you

I thank God thru my tears

for the wonder of you

and for all the joy that WAS

Betty King

Be gentle Indigos

have a peaceful night

[summergirl]

Dear Indigo's - I am amazed at the beautiful writings here.....tears of joy and saddness as I read....

I have had a very long day and I am weary so I just wanted to stop and say hello to all....I did read the posts, just not up to writing. Painted from 9 until 5:30 so it is rest time for me. Dee - I love all your assignments and hope to be able to do a few...

Peace, Prayers and love..Kathy

[lolynbo]

IT SEEMS I JUST POSTED THIS...NOW HERE WE FRIKN GO AGAIN.....NOVEMBER 4TH THE DAY WE FOUND KOURTNEYS TUMOR IS UPON ME AGIAN...THEN THE 15TH THE LAST DAY SHE SPOKE....THEN WE HAVE THEN NERVE TO HAVE THE HOLIDAYS COMIN ROLLIN IN.....IM ASKING FOR PRAYERS OF STRENGHTH...I FEEL IT COMING ON...THE BLACK FUNK CLOUD...THANK YOU

[ericasmom]

Trudi beautiful piece and Sus great poem, and thanks for sharing. I love both of those writing activities. Betty, glad that Auntie is doing better adn that he zpak probably has helped you to heal. By hardly talking today, with low stress, just a quiet day, I am feeling better, throat is healing. Still have aviral upper re., but much better.

Writing off the page:

Bloom within bloom,like the way we contain more than we contain.

There are so many layers of me

will I ever meet and know them all-

will I see the subtle shape changes

and the not so subtle?

When I think that I've no more

I breathe and speak with a whole new vocabulary,

reborn into this new challenge-

I find ways to integrate the old into this day.

[briansdad]

here is a Halloween pic of 3 of my favorite ladies.

[ericasmom]

Greg so nice to see you here, no photos however, at-least not on my computer. How have you been?

Carol, so nice to see you tonight. The church service sounds so pretty, hope that you felt warmth and unity while lighting candles. Thanks for taking our Angels with you.

I went to the cemetery just briefly today. The cemetery had a clean up day and so I knew that Eri's little metal flower holder would be gone, I purchased another and put some mums and autumn sage in the container. I kissed her name and left.

Goodnight All, sleep well and dream well-

[mikesmomrs]

I mentioned earlier that Ralph and I were going to a candle lighting remembrance ceremony at church tonight...and so we did. It began with the announcer calling out the names of those from our community who had died this past year, a designated loved one came to the front of the church, announced the person's name and their relationship...mom, dad, sister, etc. They each took a candle, lit it from the larger candle, placed it in a bucket of sand, and then wrote their loved one's name in the "Book of Life" that is used to record those names of loved ones who have died. It is placed on a pedestal at every Mass celebrated in the month of November. It is a very old tradition and very comforting. After "those who died from our community this past year" were honored, Father announced for those family members to come up to light the candles in honor of any loved ones not from our community who had died, and he particularly specified "those who have lost a loved one in the past year." Well, I felt like a brick wall had dropped in front of me. This was why we came to the service...to be able to light a candle, as part of a community, in remembrance of our son...to speak his name out loud once again where people will hear it... Ralph and I had already decided that I would be the one to go up and announce Mike's name, take the candle and light it...then, wham...no, you can't. I wanted to. My feet were moving at the bottom of my legs, but my body wasn't following. Later, I thought "what would they have done, arrested me?" But, at the time I thought that I didn't want to disturb those so new to this grief, so unused to the heartache---I knew the pain that was tearing them apart.as they begin this journey of experiencing such loss..they didn't need myself going up there and making things noticeably worse...I felt like I was interrupting, you know? Weird, but that's how I felt. When they finished those who had "died this past year," I thought they were going to announce for "anyone else" but they didn't...Father went directly into the ceremony of blessing the names that had been put in the book by those who had spoken their loved ones names, had lit a candle and then placed it in the bucket of sand with the others. I saw Father walking over towards the pedestal, I heard the words "God, please bless those whose names are inscribed in this book of life," etc., etc. I couldn't hear anymore...my heart was pounding like a wild surf in my ears, drowning out the sound of Father's words, and my thoughts were running wild..."Wait!" "Wait!" That's what I wanted to shout...loudly enough to stop everyone in their tracks. Wait! My son's name is not in there and it must be! But, I squeezed my fists together and I kept silent. I tried telling myself that his name is in my heart, and in God's heart, and that that is the only thing that really mattered...but, it didn't work. The tears came. The heartbreak came, silently, fully... Ralph tried to console me, agreeing that it was in my heart and that was what mattered most. But, I felt like I had let Mike down, again. I thought of all the times in Mike's life that I had let him down...each one running through my brain like a freight car attached to a super-powered engine. When something good would start to come into the picture, it would be knocked out of the way by the speeding bullet of regret. The times I carelessly left him waiting at school after track, "running an errand" that would wind up making me take longer to get from work to pick him up, knowing that he was sitting there, waiting...the times I yelled at him for no reason...the time he asked me to mail back his high school ring to the company that made it because they had repaired it and put the wrong stone back in it...it still sits in a box on my bureau, unsent, unfixed...his whole eighth grade year of school, in a new school after returning from Italy, he was being seriously bullied by some bratty older kid every single day, but I didn't find out about it til the last day of school...why hadn't I noticed? why wasn't I there for him? the times his dad wasn't there for him and I didn't do anything to change that, or I didn't do enough to change it, whatever...it wasn't done. The time we first began to notice that he was acting strangely, but we didn't do anything about it...we didn't make him go to the doctor, we just attributed all the weird things to his new job, working 12 hours a day, the stress he was under, his new marriage, the new baby, side effects of his seizure medications, etc., etc. And then we finally had to get an ambulance and have him taken to the hospital. And it was too late...no cure, only palliative care..."sorry...this is fatal," they said. And I had let him down, again. The tears fell. At the end of the service, when Father was walking out, they left the candles there, burning, and the book was left on the pedestal. I went up and wrote Mike's name in it, then I went over to the unlit candles still sitting in the basket and I took one out, took it over to the big candle, lit it and put it in the sand bucket for Mike. then I went and got another, lit it and put it in the sand bucket for all of our angels...all of those precious children whose name is not said anymore by anyone other than ourselves...my heart is split, bleeding, pain-filled...he is being forgotten. Will this pain never end? Just as I started to walk away from the lit candles, Father came back into the building. He made his way over to me, walked on by, took two white roses out of the bouquet by the alter...he handed them to me and said "Carol, these are from Michael." The hot tears in my eyes overflowed.

carol, mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

My dear sweet friend Carol - My heart breaks hearing your words. Describing how the emotions bubbled over at the thought of Mike being 'forgotten'. Its true our angels are in our heart and always in our thoughts, but its that need to hear their names, to know others know they were here and need to be remembered ALWAYS.

Is this the same church that sent someone to visit Mike in the days before he died?

The roses and the thoughts after the service are nice...but the emotional upheaval is something that takes us back to the beginning.

Its funny how our minds drag us to 'what else we did wrong for our children' when we are emotionally debilitated. I think that's where my mind has been these past weeks. So much of Micheals life I feel he ran a second to the family issues we had. He was the 'good one'. The one I didn't need to watch or be aware of. I was there through his surgeries but when I look back its more like I was a nurse, not the mother he needed..

You and I know that you were there for Mike a million more times than not. At times when he needed you to understand, to hold him tight, to ease his pain and eventually to let him go, you my friend were the ones there.

I hope the candles you lit burned brightly and in some way gave you peace knowing that Mike will see them.....(I believe they can).

Holding you close - Hugs always.....Trudi (the other Mike's mum)

[Crystal16]

I went to my grief share group last night and the session discussed tonight was all about losing your child. The video started with a mother talking about her son and how she lost him due to playing around with guns. I felt like God made the video personally for me and I started sobbing uncontrollably feeling out of control. I so wanted to get up and leave as I couldn’t handle the pain but stayed anyways and leaned into the pain. I miss Ashlee so much that some days I feel completely numb, I pray God sees me through and strengthens me but many times I’m too angry to feel his peace that surpasses all understanding.

Today is two months since Ashlee death we miss her so much. Her sister, Brytney, had an emotional breakdown last night grieving herself to sleep. And, it takes every ounce of me to keep her brother, Ethan, focused in school. He is redoing 8^th grade again and so far it’s worse than last year’s performance. He is angry all the time and has behavioral outburst during class. He continues to receive referrals and honestly he doesn’t care!

I enjoy coming to this site, I know we are on the same journey maybe grieving separately but together in our pain and doing life together. Thinking of everyone and praying God gives you strength.

[Guest msnher]

Remembering sweet Ashlee on this two month angelversary. Please wrap your arms around your family. They all miss you so desperately. The way you died makes it so much more difficult for them to be comforted...............please find a way to comfort them...

Carol - How my heart breaks reading your words. So heartbreakingly, beautifully written. They are your words from your heart, but they echo so elequently my own emotions. The guilt, remorse and regret literally beat the hell out of us. And, we allow it; even invite it, because we believe we failed at the most important job we've been given. We're wrong, of course. Bless you for going up afterwards and lighting the candle for Mike and our angels. You are a picture of dignity and grace, M'Lady.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Crystal

Our son, Aaron was 14 when Brian died. He was also in 8th grade. He started his freshman year when Brian should have been a senior. He saw the 2 boys everyday that were involved in Brian's death.

He was one angry dude - He even went so far as to vandalize one of the boy's parents car to the tune of $5800 in damage. They did not press charges - we had to pay for the damage. Can you even imagine how much damage that is??? I could buy a car for that!!!!

After that, Scott and I bought a full-size body punching bag and hung it from chains in the basement (over the main beam of our home). AJ pounds the heck out of that thing and so do his friends. This is just a thought on something that helped my son and our family. I am praying for you and your family.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever