Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

We’ll seek comfort in the passing clouds

Hear the rustle of leaves as we walk

Birds will soar high, a sign that you’re near

We’ll feel grateful even though you’re not here.

Bonnie - Your words speak volumes of the love that never dies for the boy scrubbed in sunshine.. Birthday, the beginning of a life that touched so many. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON....say his name...JASON jason Jason

Kathy - I'm with Dee. Its important not to blame yourself. There is so many things that can be triggering this behaviour. The therapist is a good idea, for you as well. There is so much in Tavians short life that is 'out of the norm'.

Betsy - NO such a simple word, hard to speak at times but very necessary. I can understand the relief you felt with your Aunt being cared for by the ambulance people. Had the same with an older brother. Never able to find the time when mum was in need of care but was able to make time when she died. Sounds harsh but there were 3 of us and he drove past her home everyday to go to work. Depth breaths. Thinking of you.

Colleen - We have changed. Things that once seemed important are no longer. Like most things now I work on what I can handle as the 'new normal' me. You may remain friends but in short doses with a new focus.

Betty - Good to see you back.

Carol - OMG the 'hits just keep on coming'. Thinking of you and yours.

The weather here is reflecting the upcoming summer. Warm days, cool nights.

Mal and Muttley are bonding down here at the beach...

[mikesmum]

[lolynbo]

ETHAN THINKING OF YOU TODAY AS WELL....HOLDING YOU IN OUR HEARTS...

KODY HAS HIS PROCEDURE TOM, WE ARE GOING TO THE CITY TONIGHT SO WE DONT HAVE TO GET UP AT 4..TO BE AT HOSP BY 7.....THANK YOU ALL FOR THE PRAYERS I FEEL IT WILL BE OK....GODS STILL IN CONTROL AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH HIS WORLD......

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel

.

[heartbeataway]

Love it!

[heartbeataway]

Love you guys! What would I do without you?

[krichie]

Happy Birthday Jason !

Send a smile hug down to all who love and miss you!

Sending strength to you and your family as you remember and celebrate Jason today

[Crystal16]

Happy Birthday Jason!

My girl Ashlee would love a ride in your jeep too.

[summergirl]

Happy Happy Birthday Jason - the love your mom and dad have for you is as bright as the stars above - smile down on them. I know my Jessica did not ask for a ride in that jeep - she just got in and said "let's roll"

Sweet Angel Ethan - surround your mom with your love on this your angelversary.....shine bright and fly high little one.

[summergirl]

Dee - thank you so much my friend for all of your wonderful advice concerning Tavian. I know that I can not blame myself, I just had the meltdown that comes about at times like that. I will take your advice and use it when I speak to his teacher. Also am going to call the therapist. I was a bit upset today as I called and left a message for his teacher, gave her my cell phone and work number and she NEVER called me....kind of hard to resolve and issue if there is no communication. I went to the school after work but of course she was already gone. Hopefully we will talk tomorrow.

Betsy - whoo hoo for you girlfriend....IT IS OK TO SAY NO....we take so much upon ourselves and the overload takes its toll, mentally and physically. You need to take care of you and if your brother cannot step up and wants to ignore you then so be it, he will come around evetually but it is not your fault...you have dealt with enough so make it "all about you" for a while...

Colleen - I believe all of us here have been in a similar situation. We change so much after the loss of our child and friends and family just do not get it...it is hard to let a good friendship go but they continue on with their normal life while our normal has changed so much, we now have a new normal.... It took me a long time to actually be able to sit with friends and laugh and talk again but it is changed as I do not care about the simple little things they whine about, the drama they create and I especially get angry when they "complain about their child" over some insignificant thing - makes me want to scream at them "I sure wish I had such problems". I have lost friends and gained friends, it is the way it goes along this journey. You need to be open and honest with your friend and if she cannot except it then she is not a true friend and you can move on knowing you did your best. Bless you and good luck.

Trudi - you can always make me smile....

Lorri - prayers that all goes well with Kody tomorrow.....Kourtney is with him and all will be ok....Prayers and hugs my friend

To everyone else here, my dear BI friends....always in my prayers and thoughts. Sweet Dreams, Kathy

[quellsmom]

ETHAN & JASON MAY YOU HOLD YOUR FAMILIES TIGHT, BATHE THEM WITH YOUR SPIRIT LIGHT

[mikesmomrs]

"We’re celebrating you today, the little boy that was.

The man who grew, the love we knew

The spirit you are today." Such beautiful words to a beautiful son, from a beautiful mom...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON...JASON...JASON...shine on sunshine man, and celebrate with all our angels, that wonderful day when you changed your mom and dad's lives (and the world you touched) forever...the day you were born.

Sending hugs and strength to you and Rich...always remembering.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Ethan...Ethan...Ethan...your spirit lives on in the hearts of those who love you...brush your momma's cheek with your sweet scent...

Enid; thinking of you, holding you close in my heart and prayers.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

JASON NOW YOU LET KOURTNEY DRIVE THAT JEEP....SHE LOVED BEING A TOMBOY....LET ALL THE ANGELS RIDE WITH YOU AND TAKE TURNS ....HAVE A BLESSED DAY ANGELS

[rlolheiser]

Happy Birthday Jason.. thinking of you as you dance among the stars..

Ethan.. on this your angelversary I am thinking of you and your family

I made it back.. really tired out. We got about 40 miles away from home and i wanted to turn back. We are lucky, we hit ice and did an absolute turn around. We were so lucky nobody was behind us. My daughter surprised me and told me she wasn't worried because she knew God and JaBoa were with her while she drove. Me, I just sat there and cried.. I didn't want to drive, but my daughter needed me to take over. I drove down the interstate about 30 miles an hour with my flashers on.. I thought about turning around but.. I couldn't imagine going through it all again, so we tredged on. The way back wasn't as bad, still icy but no problems thank God. The dr. scheduled another test for her on Friday so we will have to do the trip again. :-(

Kathy, thanks for your words.. I would love to run away from home.. but I would give it up in 5 minutes.. I don't think I could handle the quiet.. not used to it :-) sometimes I think it is the messed up life that keeps me going, BTW.. I think your a great mimi.. Tavian couldn't be more loved except by his mom.. you do a great job.. it isn't easy and I am very proud of you.

Crystal.. my heart goes out to you, it's ok to be mad. I still get that way, I hope you will find some peace.. it isn't easy and it isn't always..I guess that is why we are here.

Sherry, I try so hard to think of my girl with me.. sometimes I do.. but sadly most the time I don't feel her, I think I try to hard.. I am missing her so much these days.. and I know it is the memories.. to much this time of the year.

Rhonda, thank you for your caring.. I don't want to be needy.. I tell myself that it has been 4 years.. but this time of year makes me feel like it was yesterday. especially traveling in the weather like we had today.. 4 years ago it was like this.. how I hate to think this stuff.. and it isn't like the rest of the year is anybetter.. but this season and holidays is just pain.. but in this all I know I am not alone because I have found friends like you.

Susannah.. Dee... Carol... Bonnie.. Colleen.. Betsy.. Betty.. Lorri..Elaine... everyone!

Thank you for being here.

[mikesmomrs]

To all who are in the way of these huge storms blowing their way across the country, I pray you stay safe and warm…likely power is out in many places…I heard on the news that northern Illinois has been without power for some time now… Leah, I am so glad that you all made it home safely. I know it tired you out, so praying you are able to get some rest today. I am so glad your spin out didn’t result in an accident. Sus, Colleen, stay safe.

To all of you who are so new to this journey and feeling so lost and alone---Crystal, Karen, clittlelady, and anyone who I am forgetting…please know that we all understand what you are going through…each of us has our own feelings and pain, but each of us knows that the pain is unremitting through these first days and weeks and sometimes it may feel as though you are losing your mind---or that you would like to, so you won’t have to think about this pain for a bit…time is healing, tears are healing, love is healing, sweet memories, though at times tearing your heart apart, are healing…but time is what governs it all…it doesn’t make it easier, as others have said, but it does become softer, less piercing, less consuming. I remember the contradiction of memories...so wonderful to have, but so painful also---knowing there would be no more. I wrote everything down that I could, creating a website for Mike, so nothing would be forgotten. It was so very healing to do so...I could "talk" about him all I wanted, and no one gave me the "look" as if to say "not again!" As you are feeling so alone, come here, talk, tell us about your sweet child, please don’t think you are “bringing us down” by “complaining”---nothing could be further from the truth. There are no “complaints” here…just expressions of grief and pain over losing our child.

Marcia and Claudia: so very good to see your precious Bethany and Joey...their smiles light up the board.

Bonnie: We love you, too!

Lorri: Prayers for Kody today...and for all of you, as you accompany him for his procedure. Sending hugs and love.

Trudi: So glad your little Zak is doing well...praying this continues. Also glad you are back at your "healing, breathing place" at the beach...loved the pics, thanks for sharing. That Mr. Muttley, always hopeful that some scrap may fall by his mouth...ever at the ready...your sweet Micheal is smiling on all of you.

Betsy, dear lady---tears fell as I read your post ---your pain is palpable, coming through your words, straight out from your aching heart. I am sorry that your brother tried to shift the responsibility yet again to you...and I pray your aunt will be home soon, on the mend.

Kathy: good luck with Tavian's teachers...Dee's advice sounds right on the money... he is in my prayers, as are you.

Dee: I don't know if you got the high winds or not, but likely if you did, you are without power, as talked about in the news. Stay safe, you and John, stay warm. Keeping your sweet Jon in my prayers...praying his heart will lighten some and he will see some joy in the day. Sending peaceful thoughts to all of you.

Rhonda: I hope you didn't see anything of a tornado in your area...sending hugs!

Dan: Loved the picture compositions...you are good at what you do!

To all, I think my eyelids are drooping now, so I will try again to sleep. We are going to Massachusetts tomorrow to visit with my sister. She and my sil will be leaving again for Florida, likely early December...it seems as though they just came back!

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[mysonrich]

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE AND YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, GUIDANCE AND WISDOM. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Update on Aunt, congestive heart failure . they are not finished testing yet so more info later today.

Trudi, 911 sent a cop, an ambulance, a life mobile ( or something like that) a truck of some sort, 10 or more emergency responders. She was/is in good hands.

I don't have much time. Still haven't heard from brother. last response to me was that his son had cancer. his wife had cancer, his son died. I know. I miss little Patrick , not as a parent but as a person in his life. Such a sweetie. What do I answer to that email? brother moved to Fl after Pat's death and hasn't been back often. My dad trusted brother with his care, POA etc if....I know he has had his share of heartache and grief but some how, I think he has forgotten mine. Maybe its a woman "thing"...being caretakers...Dee, duty,duty,duty...till my grave? Betty, you are so right.

Susannah, thanks for crying with me. Is your butt wet? We didn't sit on a chair, just the wet deck boards.plop ! ((hug))

later everyone.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - soaked to the skin.

Gotta get moving. I'll be back later.....

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Glad that everyone is okay after storms, both weather and emotional rock our world. I am at school where there is power, but Carol you are right, we had no power at home from 3:00 in the afternoon yesterday, throughout the howling night, an dstill this morning. We shall see about later...I am lighter in spirit due to so many lovely thoughts for Jon here, thanks all. He is a bit lighter too. Fingers crossed.

I am however operating on 2 hours of sleep as I am getting sick and coughed and worried all night. Worried that this school that I have loved so completely is changing and I can' tdo a thing about it, in fact when I do speak up, I am accused of being negative adn not a team player. The meeting we had yesterday just really makes me sad, and while I know I must of course go along with state mandated change, we could as a district have put together a much, MUCH better plan. The creativity we foster has given way to skill and drill and my speaking to the whole staff as one who is not happy with this, was met with disrespectful behavior, including from our leader, my boss, my friend. I am sad but I will get through it, need some sleep.

[shorty16]

Good morning my Indigo friends,

Life is going OK today. I had a rought night "Whoa is me, I miss my son" night.

Trevor is so happy in our home. He told me yesterday that he used to get terrible head and back aches. Since he has been with us, he has had only 1 headache and no back aches. I am happy for him. He is a good kid who had a raw deal. I am proud to know him.

Our kids have off of school today and tomorrow. I left a list of chores for them to do. I am sure they will wait until 3 pm to even start them - I will have to call at about 10:30 and "remind" them.

To the newbies - hang in there. For me, the first year of my loss was the worst as far as physical pain goes. I never knew the extent of physical pain that came with this grief. The physical pain does subside. It does get a bit better. If you have to - Take one breath at a time.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Trudi loved the pictures.

Carol so sorry to hear the latest Hope all is well.

Leah I am so glad that you were able to get to the Doctor You are certainly a very determined and loving MOM. Glad you made it there and back. Love your thought processes and your positive self talk

Dee I am glad you and Colleen recovered from the storms. We had one in September that was very frightening. Dee I understand exactly what you are feeling regarding your School. I experiencedd somewhat the same a few years ago in business. It is hard and upsetting. You ae right It must be done. You are a creative leader and I know you will "OverCome". I have attempted to do this writing assignment and it brings me all thru Stephens' home and the delightful trips we had to furnish it. The day we spent at the Second Hand store to purchase a beautiful dining rooms set then on to K Mart for Porch furniture then living rooms sets at Jennifer convertible ending at Bed Bath and Beyond for everything imaginable. I had so much fun on my tour, I will share it one day.

Betsy I hear you and would simply tell brother that you realize you have BOTH had your share of pain and heartbreak. You know that he has the POA and as such must make all the decisions. You will be able to work with him to arrive at the best care for Dad. There agencies that will be able to really assist in this.

Have a Have to run

Be well.

[westleysmom]

Carol-There was a funnel cloud touching down here, but not very close by. No damage much. We did get rain and it cooled down some, and its beautiful today and yesterday. Enjoy your visit with your sister. Have a safe trip, it seems like we're all having a little trouble staying on the roads here lately!

Betsy-I'm glad your Aunt is doing a little better. I know so many people struggling with parents aging issues, and we feel pretty old ourselves. I hope arrangements can be made for your Dad's care that don't put everything on you. So sorry that it has been a crazy few days for you.

Leah-That drive sounds positively hair-raising. I hate that feeling of being out of control on icy roads. I'm so glad you made it there and back, maybe the weather won't be so bad next week for the return visit. You're so right, certain times of the year are hard I think because so many memories were made around that time in the past. Some times of the year just slipped by unnoticed in the past. But starting in October, I always took a lot of pictures, like most people. At least it was a lot for me compared to the rest of the year, unless we happened to go on a trip during the summer, which wasn't every year when the kids were little. Hugs to you.

Kathy-I hope you finally can track down this teacher and get Tavian back to a good place at school. He's been through a lot and I know Dee gave you some good advice. Do you think that while the move is good, there is some nervousness on his part about it? That's the only thing I can think of, and she may have mentioned that too. Are you almost finished painting?

Betty-I hope you are doing okay and I think of you every day.

Colleen-My friend Susan and I talked about that this weekend. It is so hard to connect with some people anymore because of what has happened to us. It is hard to tell someone what it is like that hasn't experienced it. I think I've heard people who've had life-threatening diseases talk about how they feel like healthy people don't understand their frame of reference anymore. I hope you can talk to your friend without hurting her feelings, but I don't have any advice about how to do it. When you figure it out, let me know, because I'm sure I'll be having to do it at some point in time.

Trudi-Thanks for the pictures. Enjoy your time with Muttley and Mal and thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one with a crisis of faith. Or whatever you want to call it. I'm trying to count my blessings, and I know they are many. I just still miss the piece of my heart that is gone so bad. It was one of my favorites.

Susannah-You finished painting? I might try to do a little painting before long. When we went to the wedding, they had the prettiest paint color in the living room, a really subtle blue. I think of you a lot and hope things are going okay.

Lorri-Let us know when you hear something about Kody. Crossing our fingers for good news.

Sherry, Sonya, QuellsMom, Krichie, Claudia, Everybody I forgot, have a good day.

[rlolheiser]

Good Morning everybody,

I just wanted to thank you all for your good thoughts. I woke up so stiff today.. darned old age :-).. I hate road trips in the winter.. we go again tomorrow morning. They are checking my daughter for Crohns disease.. I don't know much about it, but I guess it can cause a lot of pain and she falls into the description. At least the roads will be clear and the wind will be down.

Carol, I hope you have a great visit with your sister. The older I get, I miss having a relationship with mine. She left home right after highschool and we just don't see each other a lot.

Rhonda, I never thought about the picture taking and how often. I guess the memories do hit more with pics, for the longest time, I quit looking at them, but as my son and grandaughter grow older.. I am forced to face the pictures. They are great memories.. thanks so much for your caring words.

Betty, I look forward to hearing your story of helping Stephen with his house.. it sounds like it was quite an adventure.

Dee, I hope you get well quick. As for a team player.. I think it is sad they feel that way. Whenever I hear you talk about your kids.. I hear excitement, and caring. To often it is missing in teachers.

Coleen.. hugs to you.. I hope your day goes ok, your a wonderful woman with so much love to give.

Betsy, my heart goes out to you, I hope your aunt is comfortable. I hope that everything does not fall on your very loving shoulders.

Gotta run everybody.. thinking of you all...

[Crystal16]

Good afternoon all,

I love taking time out of my day to read the many posts that are encouraging one another, empathizing it’s just inspiring to see how we are all linked to a common life changing tragedy!

I’m definitely starting to feel the anxiety slightly creeping in with Ashlee’s upcoming court trial. My oldest daughter’s friend had a case study the other day for college and the DA was discussing our families case not bad enough we have the media covering our story but now the local college is using our families tragedy as a case study. I’m so angry that families can’t grieve in peace.

The DA even went into details about Dylan’s expression when the policed arrived on the sceneL…Argh!!!!

[ericasmom]

Betty, I am so glad that the I AM FROM poem launched you to travel the places that bring you smiles and memories of goodness. I love the format but I do have another format for it and If Iam able to scan it and send it, it too is beautiful and fun. Anyone else do the I AM FROM poem? I was so glad to see your shining STephen looking out at us today,

Kath, any word from the teacher? Just so you know, if a teach says that there is an issue, but they don't follow up within 24 hours, it must not be too big an issue. As far as therapy, with the move and all, it just may be a great idea to be ahead of the issues that may surface with Tav moving from this home to the next. Transitions are difficult anyhow, even when kids and adults are excited by the possibilities. In fact, some of the issues at school may be indirectly caused by the upcoming move, and that is not to say it is a negative, it just may be how it is manifesting for Tav.

Thanks Leah, I certainly have loved my job teaching, and have doubly loved being at Lincoln, but I sure hate the way the top-down is looking these days, either you agree with everything the boss says, or you are no longer in her circle. Odd way to run a school long known for its strength in diverse teaching styles.

Col, good luck on the kids doing their jobs before 3:00pm, funny too.

[lolynbo]

we are wore out...gto up at 5 to get to hosp by 7....THEY GOT KODY IN BY 10-1030 HE CAME OUT SAYING..."I SOLD MY GOATS, I HAD A BABY, MY DOCTOR WAS PRETTY (SHE WAS), LETS RACE ILL SPLIT THE MONEY WITH YOU, DONT WRECK MY NEW CAR (TALKN TO TRANSPORTER GUY)...,DOES THIS CAKE HAVE A MICROPHONE, HI BROOKE (WAVE), BROOKE COUNT THE LIGHTS IN THE CEILING, I WANT A JELLO SANDWICH, " THEN THE NURSE SAID "IM GOING TO LOWER YOUR BED"...HE SAID "IM NOT BENDING OVER, HAVE YOU WATCH STEP BROTHERS?".....LOL WE WERE ALL ROLLIN SHE SAID HE REALLY ENTERTAINED IN THE OPERATING ROOM....OH MY ....

ANYWAYS HES FINE WENT GREAT LONG DAY...MAY HAVE RESULTS TOM OR MONDAY...LOVE TO ALL

[ericasmom]

Lori, I am laughing at my sweet little Kody, saying all those IV induced funnies. I know you guys are relieved to be done with this part of it all, and while I know the waiting part is hard, I think it is going to be ALL GOOD. Give him a hug from us. Hey to Brooke.

Hey, tomorrow the Annual Halloween Parade at Lincoln School. The whole school parades in a 6 block square, people pull lawn chairs to watch each year, it is a blast. My kids did this too, when they went to Lincoln, and I stood with other parents snapping photos and waving. Oh those days are right there with a close of my eyelids, right there, and yet so far away. So each year we march and wave and have fun dressed up for a few hours. That first Halloween without ERi was so hard, she absolutely loved Halloween. Went to every party she could each year. THat first one I bought the shirt that Charlie Brown made famous, and I wore ankle socks and my lace up shoes with shorts. I went as Charlie, Good Grief. I then cut out the sheet with too many holes just as Charlie does in the special cartoon. I carried a bag of rocks as that was what people put in his bag. I felt much like good ole Charlie, just a step off and never quite able to do as everyone else anymore. Good grief.

This year, I am going as the guy I think I look most like: Waldo! I have long said I look like Waldo from the Where's Waldo Series. I do. So My husband sewed a red puff ball on the white beanie I bought and added a red tape stripe. I bought a cheap red striped shirt, will wear my jeans and voila', Waldo. Already have the glasses and the nerdiness. I do hope I will feel better, I slept so little and have a cold as do most of my students.

Have a good night everyone, loving you all so very much.

[summergirl]

Thank you all for your advice on Tavian and for making me feel better about myself - I am doing a great job with him - I just get myself all worked up. NO - I have not heard from the teacher yet....it upsets me because if you are going to send a note home that we need to talk then at least return my phone call or write a note back. But, thank you Dee for mentioning that if I do not get a call after 24 hours then it must not be serious.....I am just one to not one to leave things unfinished so I will get to the bottom of it... this Mi-Mi does what needs to be done !!! Tonight Tavian and I went shopping for his costume - he is going to be a ninja warrior - he had a meltdown after we got what we needed - anger, yelling - I was once again shocked at how fast he turned from smiling to anger. I let him work through it and then we talked, I said "Tavian you need to talk to Mi-Mi and tell her what makes you so angry" - he looked at me and said "Do you really want to know, do you want me to tell you right now, MY MOM DIED" and then he cried. So here we are both crying and he is hugging me saying he is sorry..... it was hard but worth it as long as he talks. He has alot on his little shoulders and so we are definetly going back to therapy - we both need to. I also agree that the move may be making him anxious as he said "I think I am going to miss our house" - so another thing to deal with and I need a bit of help with all of it - so thank you all for helping guide me along the way...

Rhonda - no I am not finished painting but hopefully will get alot more done this weekend and then I am off Tuesday and Tavian will be in school so I can get alot done that day. I have the master bedroom, Barry's office and the bathroom - we are having a new ceiling put in the bathroom so that will be last. Then the carpet goes down and we move in.....Barry will tell our landlady that we will be out by the end of the month so I guess I better paint a bit faster. I actually enjoy it when I am there by myself - I was thinking the other day about when Jessica decided to paint her apartment and I went over to help her - Tavian playing quietly and her and I painting away listening to her favorite CD - Sara Maclaughlin - and singing along, laughing at each other. I miss her so.

Too all Indigo's - sweet dreams and peace....love, Kathy

[rlolheiser]

I am at such a loss tonight. JaBoa's mom and I had a long talk. She talked about my putting her in the mental ward.. I am not sure if she is grateful or not, she was really hard to read. I told her I can't apologize for it, because it was a first step of many steps she has to take.

She suddenly handed me some papers and told me to read them. It was her journal from the time she was in the hospital. It was all centered around JaBoa and her love for her daughter. I had to read things that I wish I hadn't had to.. and now I just don't know what to feel. I don't know if my reading it was out of love from her or out of hatred. I never did hear much about the accident that took our JaBoa. But her writings told me step by step the hell she went through. From the first JaBoa got into her van to the agonizing moment the highway patrol looked at her without words, making her understand that JaBoa wasn't alright... When I dropped my grandaughter off with her mom.. JaBoa hugged her and told her "I will miss you mom" Then they were driving.. singing.. talking.. when the van went out of control.. she looked at JaBoa and said we are going down baby.. she said the fear in JaBoa's eyes was horrifying.. and they rolled 11 1/2 times. she found her youngest daugher.. she found my mom.. but didn't find JaBoa..she climbed to the back of the van where she found her daugher outside and pinned.. crushed..she tried to lift the van but couldn't.. the snow was getting thicker.. she carried her 4 year old up the embankment where there was somebody who had saw the accident and was calling 911.. my daughter passed out and woke up in the hospital where nobody would tell her what happened.. until she lost it.. and was screaming.. and they told her she needed to calm down.. my daughter wanted to see JaBoa but they said no she couldn't.. by then they had contacted her husband.. and he told the nurse to leave her alone.. They went home..

I remember shortly after dropping them off.. I had such a bad feeling.. I told my oldest daughter to call her.. I just felt off.. and that was the beginning of the worst day of all my life.. I knew something was wrong.. just didn't know how wrong.. Oh God.. I miss my baby.. I miss my life.. I miss being happy.. I never realized my little girl was crushed by the van.. I never realized how much my daughter saw or has held in these past 4 years. I try so hard to close my eyes and see JaBoa happy and laughing but the only picture I get to see is her broken face.. they did a good job on her, but I could see little fractures.. and I tried so hard to tell myself it was just imagination.. I held her close, every chance I could.. I kissed her little head.. I hardly left her casket.. Oh God.. please... wake me up..

[westleysmom]

Leah-I'm so sorry. That Jaboa is gone, that you are so broken, that your daughter hasn't been able to deal with what happened. I don't know anything else to say other than that. You have been on my heart so much this week and I'm sorry that this new information has been so painful for you. It has given you more to feel sorry about and that is not what you need. Your daughter maybe wanted to share it with you because it is eating her alive. Try to get some sleep and take care of yourself. It is a nightmare, but JaBoa is not having it. She is fine and happy and one day you'll hold her again and she'll be so glad to see you. I believe that. I still have a lot of questions why these things happen, but I believe we'll see them again. Hugs

[ericasmom]

Leah said: I remember shortly after dropping them off.. I had such a bad feeling.. I told my oldest daughter to call her.. I just felt off.. and that was the beginning of the worst day of all my life.

Sometimes Leah, we have that feeling and I know I did too, on and off with nightmares depicting something hurting ERi, but I could not see what, you could not know what. I do believe the brief sense of something about to go wrong is that energy that is hovering over our little ones as they inch closer to the last day. We don't know why we get an inkling but not enough to change the outcome, other than, for whatever reason, it was their time perhaps. Tonight on the local news, a young college student named Declan, was mourned on the campus that he loved and where he died yesterday. He had an inkling that it was soon as on his FACEBOOK page he said, oh well, guess I have lived long enough. He was referring to going to work as a video-ographer for the Notre Dame Football team. It had been so windy on Tuesday and bursts of wind on Wednesday, but less consitent apparently. anyhow, he wrote that, and then climbed up the hydrolic bucket to shoot video, when a huge 60mph gust hit just so, toppling the tower over and killing him. Why did he say that just moments before dying? Wow! Blessings to his family. And huge blessings to you Leah as you come face to face with the facts of that saddest day, and mark the anniversary. I know that you are feeling as low as can be, but please know that Ja Boa is smiling on Her Grandmom, loving you for all of time.

[mikesmum]

The imagery that comes from writings, reports overtake our memories of happier times. Leah I wish you hadn't read such a description of your grandbabies injuries or the graphics of the accident. Once out there it never goes away. The downside of being in the Emergency Service. Every thing about Mikes case was something I had knowledge of, but never attached to the face and memory of my own.

Those impending doom feelings weigh on my mind. The last time I saw Mike was the 12th Jan. He was leaving my home to return to Amanda. He reassured me that 'it would be okay'. He died 6 days later.

Ironically, in the weeks after his death I received a DVD that he had made in the November before. It was to be part of a promotional ad for a scholarship fund. Its bittersweet. There is my handsome boy, walking tall, painfree with his baby girl in the grounds of the Melbourne University. The second part is Mike sitting in my lounge room with Harmony and Amanda. He's relaxed, happy and talking about Harmony's future. Out of nowhere, he says "I don't know how much longer I have....." Nothing about Mikes medical conditions was terminal, I had no idea he thought he was going to die young.....

Its sunny and hot here at the moment. There is a storm brewing...I will be watching as the sky changes and the light show begins.........

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos,

The wind in the midwest has finally settled down. That was two days of some serious wind. We have no damage other than dead branches and leaves (nothing big).

We are still studying for Trevors World Cultures test. They moved it (again) from Wednesday to next week sometime. Not happy they keep doing this, but it gives us more time to study. I am now playing the Jeopardy potion of studying with him.. I am telling him the answer and he gives me the question. He is having a difficult time. Amazing how he cannot connect the information both ways.

Today is my husband, Scott's birthday - he is 47. Scott does not like birthdays and insists we do nothing. Well - that is not going to happen. If anything we will sing Happy Birthday.

We played Wii last night. AJ would go upstairs (with the handset) and take his turn bowling. He was not even in the same room, but the radio signal went through the floor and would move his player - TOOOO FUNNY.

Scott's Mom and 2 brothers are coming down Saturday for lunch and we plan on playing Wii again.

I think of all our angels and all my friends on BI. I really, really love you guys!!!!!!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday to your YOUNG Husband. Blessings in all you do.

Trevor can't connect both ways probably because he never built those connectors in his brain, how nice that it is not too late to do so for him/with him. Brains grow until about age 21, so keep building that boy up Col. Great job.

[Guest msnher]

Leah - I don't think your daughter wanted you to read what happened out of love for you or hatred for you. I think she wanted you to read it to share herself with you. I think she is just reaching out to her mother. Sharing with the person she trusts most in life the feelings and pain and horror of that day for her. I think she wanted you to read her sacred words out of trust in you. She is reaching out to you to be validated and accepted without judgement. It is hard to do when you have also been devastated by the events of that day. But, that's what she's doing. Your response to her requires no defense and no offense. It just requires an "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I am honored that you trusted me enough to share yourself with me."

Yes, it is painful for you to read those words as they create a picture of pain of suffering. Your daughter, however, lives with that memory every minute of her life. Sharing it may relieve some of her burden as well. You just keep coming here and unloading to us. We can handle your daughter's pain and your pain. The horror and pain and suffering we have seen no longer scares us. As your daughter reaches out to you to work through her own grief, you keep reaching out to us. We will hold your hand.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

I am posting my experience when Stephanie died. Just because. From my journal:

This is all such a surreal experience. It's almost "out of body" type experience. From the phone call to get to the hospital quick to me yelling NO at the doctor when he took me in a separate room and mechanically delivered the news that my daughter had "bled out" and died that morning..........news I refused to believe and demanded he allow me to see my daughter RIGHT NOW to walking in the room where my daughter's body lay while her father stood sobbing over her to the strange sounds that immediately escaped my throat without my permission. I knew it was me screaming. I heard it. I felt it. I also could hear my ex-husband's cries increase as I screamed my rejection of the "NOW" to the universe. I could hear his wife crying as she watched me writhe in pain and anguish over my daughter's body. A man I did not know reached for me and said, "Ma'am"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled at him. He quickly backed away as the screams from the inner part of my soul escaped without my consent.

I have no idea how long the screaming continued...........but, as abruptly as it began.........it stopped. I sat. Took a breath. Held my daughter's arm. Looked at the stranger that was risking his life just moments before and demanded..."Who are you?"

The coroner. There were two of them.

I inspected my daughters obvious injuries. I was grateful to learn she had not been decapitated. I tried to pull grass and weeds out of her blood matted hair. I kissed her repeatedly. After making the necessary phone calls to have the family assemble, I laid my head on my daughter's chest and began to softly sing....."We are one in the spirit".

"She's not here" I finally announced.

It was at that time I realized everyone was watching me rather closely or guarded. "Why are they looking at me like that?" I wondered.

It was then that I realized my body was trembling against my will. My legs were visibly shaking. "let's go" I say to my ex husband and his wife, whom I've referred to my "wife in law" all these years. That day she became my sister.

The chaplain who had prayed with us earlier in the room stopped us as we walked down the hall. "Do you want your daughter to be a donor?"

There were papers to sign.

I walked back mechanically and pulled the nurses stool out for myself. I stared at the room my daughter's body was in. The nurse said she needed the correct spelling of my name. "They can tell you" I say as I rise to walk back to my daughter. The coroner stopped me at the door. "Ma'am. This is not what you want your last memory of your daughter to be."

"Oh yes it is!" I whisper as I push past him. "I want to see every scrape, every cut, every bruise."

Without saying another word, the two coroners stood quietly as I ran my finger softly over each wound, beginning at her feet. I noticed her cute underwear. "Very comfortable" I thought.

I recalled the first time I performed a similar inspection of her body. Making sure she had all her toes and fingers. Trying to make her tiny mouth fit around my nipple as I clumsily tried to breastfeed (and failed miserably) I touched her and caressed in much the same fashion then as I did now.

I inhaled her scent then as I was doing now. "Don't let me forget." I whisper.

The physical ripping I endured to bring her into this world was nothing compared to the physical, spiritual and emotional ripping I was experiencing now.

"My sweet, sweet baby" I whisper...........just as I whispered then.

I tried to clean the blood from her hair...just as I did then.

I kissed her one last time as I whispered "I love you".

The shaking had stopped as involuntarily as it began. I walked out of the room and informed my now sister and brother ex husband I was capable of driving myself home. They would follow.

[Crystal16]

Susannah,

Reading your journal reminds me of how I so wish maybe I too should have seen my Ashlee. I was so grieved with pain that no one in our family saw Ashlee after she was shot in the head we did not want our last memories of her to be of that horrific event!

Thanks for sharing....

[kmb22]

Edit

[Guest msnher]

Crystal and Karen - Those were incredibly dark days...in the beginning. For months it was difficult for me to pull my mind out of that ER room. There were times I regretted seeing her like that. It took a lor of self talk to get me through some days. There are still dark days. However, mostly the days are not dark anymore. Rarely do I visit that place in my mind anymore. The experience in the ER room seems more like a dream than reality. It is not who Stephanie is now or who she was before. That was just the form her body took for her to transition from physical to non-physical.

The difficult thing about writing is that I am not always effective in conveying the mood of my posts. Sometimes I post something I think is positive and I will get an "I'm sorry" response. That's okay. There is nothing wrong with that. I just want you both to know I am in a much better place than I was.

The physical pain of her death rarely visits me now. Sometimes there's a pang here and there, but nothing like in those first months or the first holidays or angelversary. I feel joy in my life now. And, now that my hormones are getting balanced, I am feeling MUCH better.

Oh. I'm not dying. I thought I was but I'm not. I'm a little embarrassed by it all. I had the most beautiful funeral arranged for myself. But, the biopsy came back normal. I'm just perimenopausal. So, I live.....and....I'm glad about it! Who would have thunk it? I remember standing over Stephanie's body at the funeral home trying to will myself into her body. "Take me." You know how it is.

In those early days I resented every breath I took. It was despite my desire to be here that my heart still beat and my lungs still worked. It was a very painful experience. As each one of us knows.

I shared what it was like the day of my daughter's death. Now, I share what it is like, too. Better. Much better. At first I felt guilty for feeling any kind of relief at all...and, Lord knows I needed relief. Now I know the peace allows me to feel Stephanie's spirit more clearly than before. It just takes time.

I'm so glad I have you all to come to when the proverbial poo poo hits the fan again and I can barely breath.

Thank God for each of you!

There is hope!!!!!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mpsmom]

Hi, I apologize I rarely have it with me to post anymore, but do try to come to the forums once a week and read so I can keep up on everyone's lives, and how all of my BI family is taking baby steps forward. I can so relate so closely to this statement made by Susannah, Stephanies Mom, " It is not who she is now or who she was before........." I feel the same way......... I try not to let my head take me to that horrible night in the ER, those long hours waiting for my husband to arrive, he had been on a fishing trip 5 hours away....

"The experience in the ER room seems more like a dream than reality. It is not who Stephanie is now or who she was before. That was just the form her body took for her to transition from physical to non-physical. "

I am here, I am healing --- best I can, and my life is changed forever....it is something I am trying to learn to live with .

Hugs to you all,

[mikesmum]

Sus your journal entry, so vivid in emotion and imagery. I got to sit with Mike after he died. It was a 40 min drive to his house. The crews had laid him back on his bed, hair neat, hands folded. None of the 55 mins of chaos that was his resus evident. He was 'sleeping'.

Sat by the river for about 5hrs yesterday. Thoughts of Mike running through my mind as I fished (?) The sun was sinking and I snapped many pics. In this I saw a 'rainbow' coloured shape, thought it was my sunnies, but today I still see it in the image......

This is where I look for Mike. Not as I know or knew him, but how I see him now......all around.

[Guest msnher]

Wow, Trudi. Love the pictures. The rainbow "energy" looks so distinct. Pretty cool.

[westleysmom]

Trudi-Loved the pictures too. I couldn't remember exactly what happened to Mike, but I thought he was like Westley, that he just looked like he was sleeping. I'm glad you got some time alone with him yesterday.

Susannah-I go to the ER sometimes, hell, a lot, in my mind. I may tell you all about it, but not right now. I am in the dark place. I'm so happy that you are glad to be alive. I'm still not sure yet about me. I have moments of happiness, kind of, but all the time in the back of my mind, I wonder how I can be talking and laughing and breathing and living, after this happened. How I can even want to.

It's good to see Bethany's pretty face. Maybe someday I won't talk so much about how I am doing because I am doing better. Someday.

Everybody have a good night. I dreamed of him last night, but I can't remember too much about it. I think he was in college in this dream, but that's all I can remember. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't really a happy dream. Maybe someday I'll have a happy dream. I hope you all have happy dreams.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - I am having trouble with our latest writing assignment. I am stuck. It is just so distant......so..............I haven't done your writing assignment. I've begun a few times, but nothing's there. Just letting you know why I haven't participated, yet.

Any advice??

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - It is so diffacult to read the words of those hurting so badly - I am thinking of you. Hear the words that have been spoken in response as they will help you - that is what we are about.

I cannot write tonight - just wanted to stop and say hello - it was an emotional night for Barry and I as we finally did what we have been dreading - we took "Jessica's Garden" apart.....dug up the bushes, took all the slate around the fish pond out, took down all the decorations....We both stood and looked at the emptiness of it and then we both broke down, the tears just would not stop. I know that we will make a new Garden - but this one was done over the past 3 years for Jess and for every stone, bush I moved my heart was breaking - I felt so overwhelmed with saddness and loss - I cannot put it into words so I will not try. I need some rest time.....

Much love and prayers, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Hugs to you and Barry!

[ericasmom]

Kathy, very understandable, it is the undoing of so much work that helped you all to grieve, to learn to live in this new world, and to honor your Dearest Daughter. You will make another garden I know, but removing one so special is bound to make you ache anew.

Truds, the photos are gorgeous adn yes, I do believe that Mike was smiling at you in the form of rainbow cloud. How absolutely beautiful.

Sus, no advice tonight, if I have energy tomorrow I will, I have had laryngitis and a low grade fever. So extremely tired. My body hurts. I taught but I did so with writing on the chalk board and directing the day in this manner. The kids were great. When they asked why didn't I stay home, (i ddid not have a fever in the day), I responded in chalk letters, huge ones, I COULDN'T MISS OUR HALLOWEEN PARADE! So Waldo I was, (wheres Waldo).

Karen, Crystal, I do remember clearly the ER, and that was 7.5 years ago. It is something we keep inside forever, but eventually do not go there much. Certainly in the first few months to a year, I went there often. I replayed the events, the phone call, the drive, the little room, the horror each day over and over. I finally got to the point where I took hold of myself and made myself not replay one part of it. Then the next time my brain insisted I go there and replay, I worked to not replay another part, and so on until I saw how much better I felt when I did not replay all the sad/horrid events, instead, replaying some of the wonderful. Now, I am able to think of Eri and smile knowing that I am still blessed to be her Momma. I now have more room for the good and great memories, but it takes time so be kind to yourselves. The process is important and it is just that, a process to go through, in order to find a way to live in the midst of so much lost.

In the last nightmares of the 4 that I had in the months prior to Eri dying, I stood at the pulpit and said to a crowded church, I did not have my Baby to give her up, I did not have a child so that I could bury her...and while that is what happened, it was not why I had her, nor does her death diminish her life. Her life brought so much to so many and does still as she lives on in us. We take her everywhere we go.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Kathy, Leah, Sus, Rhonda, Crystal,Karen Betsy, and all new Indigos I am so very sorry for your pain. This grief journey is two steps forward and ten back toward the abyss. . Please just keep showing up. Share if you can and read as I do most days.

Marcia I loved to see Bethany's beautiful smile and read your words I too will never be the same.

I cannot go to that terrible night when this awful journey began and I was left in this world without my life and heart, Stephen.

I can go to many wonderful memories of his life and the days we had and they are beautiful and sweet.

Trudi loved the pictures. Such a wonderful place.

Colleen Happy Birthday to Scott

Dee I love that you are attending your schools parade I too had done that each year and intend to reclaim that tradition this year. This is my costume.

Have a Blessed Evening all

[hotrod]

Hi Again

My Halloween costume picture did nt attach Tried again

[mikesmum]

Thank goodness you can all see the same image in that picture. I showed the clouds to Mal, he was fishing and thought it was the reflection of my sun glasses. When I put the pic on the screen here, he couldn't see it. Thought I had lost what was left of my mind.....maybe just seeing what I wanted..Now I know its only us that can see such a sign.

Kathy - I remember the tears you cried as you built that garden for your girl. The pond the plants the beauty. As hard as it was to dismantle, you will rebuild your garden with the love you have in your heart and yes I believe Jess will be watching over you both.

Dee - Ah the red rimmed glasses gave you away. Hoping your fever broke before it developed into something else. Laryngitis, many pray that I will catch it, might stop my mouth moving for a while. Keep up the fluids, no late night and ply your throat with some honey balm....

Rhonda - Mike did pass in his sleep. In the beginning I thought it was an accidental overdose, but in time and further reports from the Coroner have me thinking otherwise. I believe in my heart and my head that Mike was 'tired'. His health deteriorating at the rate it was, his relationship far from loving and the prospect of losing Harmony should he make the break from his then partner was too much. He was on high doses of pain killers and finally I believe "the pain of living outweighed the pain of leaving".

The weather here as run back to winter. The rain is pouring from the sky and I am inside working on my Calligraphy and other little projects I have put off for awhile now.

I am trying to work on the 'assignment' from Dee....Takes my mind to so many place forgotten in time......Thanks Dee.....

[mysonrich]

it's a tissue morning,but in a good way.

Trudi, when I click on your pictures they are huge. maybe someone can tell me how to view them w/o being so big.