Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

have no answers. I just know I'm supposed to be here...in this life, right now. I've SEEN angels. I've seen a lot of things. I've heard a lot of things. I've been blessed, or cursed, to experience things that give me the label "kook". Yet, none of it............absolutely none of it mattered when my child died.

WOW..IM SPEACH LESS....ALL I NO GIRL IS YOUR HERE FOR A REASON...IDK WHAT THAT MAY BE...YOU CERTAINLY GAVE ME A GIFT ALONG THE TIME OF KOURTNEYS ANGELVERSERY....I WAS JUST THINKING THE OTHER NIGHT...WISH I HAD THE GIFT TO SEE/HEAR AND HELP PPL WITH THOSE WHOM HAVE PAST....BUT I DONT...IM JUST NOT INTUNE WITH ANYTHING OR ANYONE....

HUGGS TO YOU MY FWEND

[Guest msnher]

That's only happened a few times, Lorri. Kind of cool that you were one of them or rather, Kourtney was one of them. I hope you all know I only shared that stuff, my life "stuff", to let you know sometimes God interferes with ones' death. After my nephew's suicide a good friend of mine said that "if we have not completed what God sent us here to do he will interfer with our death. If we have completed what God has sent us here to do, nothing can keep us here."

That was comforting when my nephew died, but I dismissed it when Stephanie died. How could it be right for her not to be HERE with her children? But, maybe, just maybe...it's all the way it's supposed to be. I just don't know why some people died and some don't. Stephanie overdosed on drugs and had many bad car accidents before she got clean and sober. Then she gets clean and sober and six weeks dies in a freak accident.

Could it be true there are NO accidents? Could it be true there are no coincidences? I don't know. It's all too big for me. What I do know is I'm still here when much better people than I are not. What if....WHAT IF.....the spiritual world is more real than THIS world. What if the non physical is our normal state and this physical state is just school? What if we are not taken one minute too soon? Or left here one second too late? What if it will all make sense to us soon? Maybe, just maybe, it is like dropping your toddler off to daycare and they're devastated because you left them but you know they're fine and you'll be back for them soon. Maybe they scrape their knee or have an accident in their pants and it was a horrible experience for them, but you/us know they are okay and it is all okay. I know I'm grasping at straws, but maybe it all makes more sense than we're willing to consider.

That doesn't matter much, though, when we're in the pain of losing our child. Maybe they're just fine. Maybe they're happy and free for the first time in their existence....but, we're still here without them and that can't make sense in the best of times..

Love to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Trudi---Thanks for telling us about your elderly neighbor and her peaceful way of

passing....at home in her own bed...waiting on an angel. May she rest in peace.

Carol----The fall colors of leaves in N. England must be a lovely site.

Quallsmom---Sorry that the woman in your office said such hurtful things about your dear son.

As you say....one just freezes when something like that happens. Peace, friend.

Rhonda----Your experience at the church meeting shows how things like that can just come upon

us so quickly, and they pierce the heart & soul. I hope you are feeling somewhat better. Thoughts & prayers.

Dee----I'm sorry that you are finding yourself in that dark hole. The finding of the sweet college girl's

body no doubt brought the pain of losing sweet ERz to another cresting wave. So sorry. As we all know, the

pain is always there. It may be underneath, but just a micrometer underneath. I also felt a renewed wave of

pain coming up when the 3 young men were killed in traffic in the same manner as my Davey. The sorrow is

always in the consious and subconsious. I hope you can have some nice walks in the next few days, if the

weather is ok. Peace to you.

Leah & Karen (Krichie)-----Remembering you in thoughts & prayers. I wish you peace & comfort.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lostwoher]

Thank you Susannah. Thank you.

[summergirl]

Thank you my friends for the birthday wishes - yes I am sure it was the paint fumes that got to Barry I am not upset, with both of us working all week and then painting and everything else on weekends it has been crazy. Today he did suprise me (whoo hoo) with the lights I wanted for the diningroom - they are 3 hanging lights shaped like a tear drop in Tangerine color. He will hang them at 3 seperate lengths over the diningroom table.....Sounds very retro but I love them....Will be nice to post pics when we are moved in.

Quells mom - I am so sorry for the words spoken by that woman - so cruel - doesn't anyone stop and think before they speak The people at the restaurant where my daughter passed did a benefit in her name - there were so many people there. One of Jessica's friends told me that a girl she knew (would not tell me her name) said she would not come to a fund raiser for someone who died by taking "drugs" and who was a mom to a 4 year old !! I thought I was going to pass out from anger and hurt....my daughter was one of the most anti-drug people you would ever want to know and to have someone say that about her was beyond my world. I wanted to put a letter in our local paper saying "if there is anyone out there who thinks my Jessica died from anything other then "ARVD, sudden death" then please feel free to come to my house and read the autopsy report which defines very clearly that she had no drugs in her system at the time of death".......I didn't do it but I sometimes still think about it. What awful things we must endure while grieving for our child. We really do need to write that book "Oh no you didn't just say that" - it would be a best seller.

Dee - definitly another assignment - I loved the first 2 - it is good for the soul and mind.

To everyone else I am very weary again tonight so I will say good night my friends....thinking of you always. Kathy

[lolynbo]

KODY GAVE BROOKE HER PROMISE RING...IM POSTING PICS...GOOD DAY FOR SURE...I LOVE THIS GIRL...I FEEL MY ANGEL SENT HER TO US...

[quellsmom]

Lorri- my son was perfect. As they say too good for this world. Even in my heartbreak I thank God? the world ? Life, for letting me have him and know him for almost 19 yrs. I believe Kourtney is your strength and grace in those moments when you feel you have nothing to give, as Jaquell is mine.

Westleys mom- You know I say that all the time!! People do stupid things and don't die, Why Jaquell? Why Westley? But that is just a loud echo in my heart with no answer. I hope you find a moment of peace today.

Colleen - as everyone else moves on from my son's death I refuse to let that be the end of his story. One moment does not define a life, a soul !!! You know what I have been doing lately....everytime I am in a store and they have those give a dollar for hunger or cancer , I donate and write his name as big as the paper will allow ...it just makes me feel better for a second!! I hope Brian sends love your way to replace the guilt.

Trudi- Ah yes my son too was a "gentle soul". Music often his refuge and his gift to the world. So open and giving I worried for him being taken advantage of or hurt. But I was wrong. Kindness and a loving nature are the ultimate strength ! I hope to be more like him someday. Micheal lives on through you and through many.

Dee- Erica was blessed to have a mom like you. Your spirit shines through every word you type here.

Sherry- thank you. Besides the dark reasons we are all tied together, I believe there is something more. We have something to give. If it is an ear or encouraging word it might make a world of difference in a grieving heart.

[quellsmom]

Kathy- I will never understand why people say the dumb things they do. Or why the other felt she had to share that with you!! But sometimes I feel sorry for those ugly hearted people. Because they will never know love the way we do. And yes with loving so hard we opened up to this pain but I wouldn't trade that love just to avoid the pain ! On the days I can be graceful I forgive them in my heart and the days I can't I walk away and whisper "I love you Jaquell" to the wind...

[ericasmom]

To All, what a vine of thought today. Leah, you hang on Sister, hang on because there is more. I have long believed that there really is a purpose here, and a life beyond here, so we are here, we need to be for whatever the cause or reason. We still have a life to lead and live, and it is a choice, not all of it of course because we would not be here at all if it were all a choice, but the choice to find ways to live. Finding ways to get healthier, to communicate with others about our DEAREST ONES, and to communicate with them. I too have been through many personal rollercoasters from my abusive home to bad choices in partners as a young one, but here I am after so many I know are not. I do not ask why, except in cases like the young lady who is being called, "human remains". I ask why there because someone found it okay to take her life, someone got off on it in fact. WHY? But in my own life, I cannot ask why did my dad steal my childhood with his sickness because I will never get an answer adn it will never return the innocence lost. I grew in spite of it, and I remember making a choice as a 12 year old to hang on, to know that one day, not soon, but nevertheless, one day, life would be much more of what I make it instead of what others take from it. Now losing ERica, well that goes without saying as the most horridly tragic thing. but the glory in Eri's timeline was, she was happy, she was very happy, she had learned what falling in love was, she always had amazing friends, she had alife in Michigan as a young adult, she was wildly happy. I am so glad of that.

Sus, Steph got clean and was able to be back among her kids because as I tell my Sis who suffers from depression, one day happy is worth it all. If you find that you worked your way to happy after so big a struggle, then one day happy is a gift to know for all time. Which she does, and the kids saw her healthy, which can go a long way to their leading healthy lives, not to mention a long way to the way they can remember her. Reasons abound, and our Children are better than fine, they are out of any danger or sadness. It is our job to find a way through this fog into their light whenever possible, and we are all on our own timeline there. No wrong way to do this grief thing.

Much better today having had to let a lot of tears fall yesterday. I just wish nobody had to feel terror adn this girl did, and now her parents do, and all of those already traumatized students too, so prayers unending for them all.

Thanks Sonya, big sis or mom, I am honored.

Still pretty worried about my Boy, so if you have an extra prayer for Jonathan, send it express to him, helping him learn to manage his moods, his life needing way more joy, way less guilt. thanks

[ericasmom]

HI All,

we were alerted last night that the Chicagoland area, might be you too Col, to hold on as we may get the worst wind storm ever in this area. So far, the wind has been huge and going to get bigger, so our internet went down last night and it may go again. I will put up an assignment when I get to school.

Love to all,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's....

Stay warm and safe, Dee and all others in the vicinity!

I'm still fairly new to this journey, but from the very beginning I was in awe at the power of grief. Not "this is cool" kind of awe.....but, the kind of awe and respect one might get from witnessing the power of nature.......tsunami's, earthquakes, volcano's etc.

Grief was/is calling the shots. Grief demanded my respect. It deserved to honored....which meant I gave myself permission to fall apart and/or do what I had to do to survive as long as it didn't hurt anyone, including myself.

Grief has knocked me into a heap on the bathroom floor, sobbing into a towel and then laying there, in the fetal position, holding my gut. The worst of grief. The best of grief has allowed me to star at the sky with new curiousity and wonder. It's allowed me to notice life, all life, from a different perspective. It has allowed me to watch a heart almost painted in the sky as a friend and I watched it delightful surprise. A wild bird landed on my shoulder......two owls landed on my light poles at the end of the driveway..........(little chuckle).......now, I hold real still and whisper that a bird can land on my shoulder again and I won't freak out. They don't. I think I traumatized the first bird and word has spread............"she's a crazy woman~~"

Grief brought me to all of you, whom I cherish!

Be good to yourselves today.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

we have blizzard warnings and high wind warnings.. I hate winter. I am supposed to take JaBoa's mom to a dr appointment tomorrow.. we have waited so long for this appointment.. I pray the storm hurries through.. She has been so sick, we spend so many nights in the ER.. she is seeing a specialist, and our town doesn't have anybody that can to the tests.. I hate to cancel it will ba another 2 months of waiting.

Dee, thank you so much for your words of kindness and support. I try to think positive.. and get stuck in the negative to often. I know so much of the pain you have been through, sadly there are dark parts of my own life and my heart goes out to you for having to endure that. Most of all my heart hurts for your loss of Erica.. I wish I didn't understand any of it.. but I guess that is what brought me here, the hurt and the loss.. the missing and the questions. Most of all the emptiness..I do know I shouldn't feel so empty, but God help me I do. I think of JaBoa's life and all the dreams she had.. she wanted to fall in love.. to be in a band.. to be a cheerleader.. life was cut to short.. she had so many dreams and wants.. and a sadness cause she knew she wouldn't make it to those dreams. I get mad, still do.. even at God.. and yet I think that if she would have obtained all her dreams it would have been even worse.. I don't know.. and now with living with her mom and trying to keep everything together makes me a bundle of emotions. The good and the bad.. the happy and the sad.. and I know that I will go on to do what I have to, but sometimes I just want to quit.

also.. I pray and hope that Jon gets his moods in check, it is hard to handle moods sometimes.. to often our young ones left behind go through things we just don't see or understand.. God please tend to his needs.. and his mama.. may Erica take their hand and guide them through the tough times and the good times.

I am sorry.. again sometimes I think that writing helps to get the emotion out.. to say it outloud helps and I don't have anybody here to say it to. I am glad that we have this site to speak our minds too.. I am more glad that I have such awesome friends here that listen to me and let me have my say

[Guest msnher]

Hi Leah. I just wanted you to know I'm sending you hugs and prayers! Be gentle on yourself....you have a lot on your plate!

[ericasmom]

All I know Leah is that we keep on keepin on but we all sometimes would like to quit. You are not alone there. Thanks for your prayers for Jon, and likewise to your Daughter. Never ever apologize for being emotional or letting those emotions free. Never, that is the basis of us, this wonderful group. This is our wailing wall.

[westleysmom]

Leah-You are on my mind this week especially since it is a hard one for you. Susannah's what if's yesterday were some food for thought. I hope one day we will understand all and it will make sense. We'll see the plan and how it happened according to the plan. That pre-supposes a Planner. I've never doubted that, just doubted that there was a plan and it was a good plan. I used to think it was a fairly good plan. Not so much anymore. Well I'm rambling. But I'm thinking of you Leah and hoping that you get to take your daughter to the dr tomorrow. And that you know you are not alone in any of this. Hugs to you

Stay safe, Dee and everybody having storms today. We have tornado warnings today too. But at least we're getting some rain, we were so dry.

Lorri-Kody and Brooke make a cute couple. Thanks for the pics.

Kathy-The lights sound neat. I like that retro look.

[Crystal16]

Missing Ashlee a lot today,

It still seems so surreal that I will not see Ashlee again until my end here on earth. I so want to be with her, I struggle everyday to keep myself going let alone put on a show that I’m okay. I’m emotionally exhausted and would love to crawl in bed and sleep until the pain is not so raw. Ashlee’s trial is slowly approaching and my anxiety is starting to increase with anticipation of seeing Dylan and having questioned answered. My first and most important one is WHY…. Why would you pull the trigger even if you thought the gun was unloaded!

[ericasmom]

Crystal, the ache and pain is enormous, just huge, hang on, it gets worse, it gets better one day but you are just on the edge of this new and ugly road, but right now just don't expect too much from yourself right now. Sleep is important, but if you have to work and pretend, let those around you know what you can handle at this time. Put it in writing if saying it is too hard, and teach those around you what it is you need from them, not that you should know right now how much you need, but let them know that you are hurting badly and that you need to take breaks through the day to cry and regroup. Drink some water every 30 min. and eat some protein every couple of hours.

We are with you,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Crystal, I am so sorry you are going through this. When does Ashlee's trial begin, do you know the exact date?

Hugs, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[daveydow1]

Quellsmom---I agree with you......by posting our thoughts, and all our ups & down times,

we are helping others by letting them know that they are not alone, and that the BI site

is the best place to come and vent at times, express our anger at times, and at times to

lend some strength & encouragement to someone else who may be near the edge of the

dark hole that we all know only too well. Peace, friend.

Kathy----I'm sorry about what you said that woman told you about not attending the benefit, and

that sweet Jessica was on drugs etc....I agree with Qwellsmom....I wonder why she felt the need

to actually relay that piece of information to you. Why do people blurt out crap like that without

even thinking??? As you say, it's just part of this lousy road we're on, I guess.

Dee----The wind storm hit briefly here....driving rain, wind...but it passed quickly, thank goodness.

No damage. Glad that you are feeling somewhat better today. The thought of even the possibility

that we are near the edge of the dark hole of grief is so frightening. I, too, send prayers for you

and for Jon. Peace & pleasant dreams.....hopefully of ERz. (I have not had a nice dream of Davey

for some time, and none of Lisa for decades.) Oh well, I guess the dreams will come when they can.

In the meantime, we must look for other 'signs' from our beloved children.

Sus----Sorry to hear of your latest bout with being overcome with grief. The wild roller coaster ride

we are on can make one dizzy just thinking about it....let alone experiencing it. I pray that you are

on a more even keel today. sending thoughts & prayers your way.

Leah----Always come to BI to vent and tell everyone just how you feel. You're sure to find someone

else who has been in the same situation that can lend some encouraging words. Your posts are important here, and

you would be missed if you didn't post. We're always here.....all of us hurting souls. Sometimes those

who are hurting too can be our best source of encouragement. I hope you are able to get your daughter

to her Dr. appt. so that you do not have to wait a long time for another appt. Bless Jaboa's little white

soul. She is always with you. Sometimes it is hard for us to believe that our loved ones are with us, but

they really are here in spirit. No one can hurt them or put them in danger. Peace & prayers.

Crystal---I know what you mean about wanting to just get in bed and sleep until the pain goes away.

As Dee said.....hang on, friend. Everyone here knows, firsthand, the pain and devastation that you

are in now, and we hope we can lend a sympathetic ear to help, even a little bit. There's likely nowhere

else that you can go to find caring sympathetic people who knows your pain & sorrow. Keep coming

to BI. Peace & comfort, friend.

Lorri----Cute pics. Thanks.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

DONT FORGET TO WATCXH 16 AND PREGNANT....THE LADY THAT DID KOURTNEYS QUILT IS ON IT WITH HER BROOKE AND CODY...AND YES HER HOUSE IS A MESS AND SHE DONT CARE LORD..ID BE ASHAMED...

[Crystal16]

Susannah- We begin Ashlee's trial on December 8th....

Tonight I so wanted to take many zanex pills and not wake up until I saw Ashlee's face. I battle with thoughts lately of harm to myself so I could be with my daughters! My eyes and body is heavy with exhaustion.. My family tries to understand but says you need to move on " are you kidding me, I want to punch them square in the face" and say move on get over it!!!!!

Sorry I know we all have grief we are dealing with in one way or another. It seems lately I cant get past the anger, loneliness and feeling hopeless.

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo's - I thought the same thing - why did Jessica's friend HAVE to relay those ugly words to me ?? I will never understand and I am so past even caring about what people say or think....I can forgive but I never forget.

Leah - I pray that you get your daughter to the doctor safe and sound. What a road we walk. I sometimes just want to get in my car and drive, drive until I can't anymore, get a hotel with room service and just stay there for as long as I want, sleep, eat, sleep, read, sleep.....whatever - just to be alone with no responsibilities except for myself. Sounds very selfish but I think it is ok to be selfish once in a great while.....I can dream and in the meantime I will keep moving on. Never say you are sorry here, this is the one place where we are welcome to ramble, cry, get angry, sad, laugh, love......no other place in my world gives me what this site does.

Lorri - I am glad that you love Kody's girl - great ring !! Yes, our Angels do bring things into our lives don't they ? Makes me feel so safe knowing my Jessica and all our Angels are together watching over us.....I imagine them hanging out and talking about us the way we do them....only they want us to move on with our lives (as hard as it is) they want us to know that they are safe and happy and yet they see and feel our pain and I know it hurts my Jessica to see me when I am on my knees from the pain.....so I do my best to smile up at her and say "thank you my daughter for all that you have taught me, I hope someday to be the woman I always knew you would be". I miss her every minute but nothing will ever bring her back to me, only my wonderful memories put her in the same room with me and I am thankful for that..... Your Kourtney is with you always and I know she is doing the dance over that promise ring

Crystal - hang on tight friend.....it is so early for you, so raw and painful.....all of us have been where you are now along with the other new members, and we know the depth of your hurt, the not wanting to do anything, talk to anyone, you just don't even want to be.....but I promise that it will get softer.....the loss of a child, something I never thought I would experience, not me - we were untouchable, it only happened to other people, we only read about it or saw it on tv and then OMG, we were the ones in the paper and on the tv...how was that possible.!! No one wants to be in this club...this Bereaved Parents Club. You are here and we walk with you always, sending you virtual strength to make it through another minute...one at a time.

Dee - you are the rope that binds us all together with your wisdom and strength, your words that define each of us. When I read that you have had a bad, teary day I am struck with a saddness so strong for you...you who always see the sunshine through the rain, the fowers instead of weeds, the wonder of a storm, the flight of a bird and your wonderful nature walks that you take us on. You and Trudi were two of the first to welcome me here and I am thankful every day for both of you. Bless you

Question for you all - I received a letter home from Tavian's teacher that we need to talk about his "behavior" in school... I need to call her tomorrow to talk. Barry and I sat and talked with Tavian tonight and he said he has been getting in trouble in school every day !! We asked him to explain it to us the best he could and he said he talks to much, he does not pay attention and does not always listen. We then talked to him about behavior, right and wrong, what was acceptable and not acceptable.....I told him that we needed to talk to his teacher before we decided what we were going to do. I am very upset as he has never had a problem acting out in school and getting in to trouble.....What am I doing wrong ?? It has been a hard road with going from being a Mi-Mi to a mommy / Mi-Mi and I haven't always been strong enough to make the right choices but I have done the best I can.....Maybe I should take him back to see his therapist, maybe we both need to. I know I am jumping ahead of myself and need to talk to his teacher first.....but damn it I do not want Tavian to have bad behavior problems Is it the age ??? Is it me ?? He is so very smart and I want him to be respectful, kind and good....asking too much ??? HELP......

Good night my friends, sleep well and peacefully....Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Crystal - Bless you sweet mother of Ashlee! This is so new to you - it's still new to me in the whole scheme of things - but it is still so raw for you. How I remember those early weeks. I didn't know it could hurt any worse than it did that first day...that first week....but, the shock that acted as a buffer began to wear off and the loss settled into every fiber of my being. I can't imagine trying to "get over it" now, over a year later, let alone within the first two months. I can definitely understand wanting to end it all just so we could be with our child. I felt the same way. That amazed me, really, because I have three surviving children, two step children and almost 14 grandchildren....not to mention my wonderful husband. I would have left them all to be with Stephanie. But, I had failed so many times before.....and there was that promise I made to my friend who died of cancer..I told her I'd never try to take my own life again. Then, there's the idea, that I'm more prone to believe than most of the religious teachings out there, the belief that if we take our own life we have to come back and re live the same situation that caused us to take our own life in this life. Live THIS life over? That may or may not be true.....but, it's not a chance I want to take. Do you? Can you imagine coming back and going through THIS pain again..............until we get it right? Maybe the whole heaven and hell thing is right on.........maybe only a certain few get in.........if you know the right "God"......or were baptised into the right religion.....or use the "right name" for God.....Or, maybe suicides don't even get the option of going "there", then you wouldn't be with Ashlee anyway and you would have wasted a whole death and life. All those ideas just don't sit with me....but, this being our school............our lesson plan.......and having to take it over if we don't learn what we were supposed to learn? Yep...that scares any thought of taking my own life away....and quickly.

This sucks, new friend. No doubt about it. This is the most painful exprerience any of us could ever experience. Please hold on. It WILL get better. And, when it does you will feel closer to your beautiful Ashlee than ever. And, she will watch over you and be with you as you learn to smile again.

Stay close to us.....we are with you holding your hand, in spirit, walking with you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all: just wanting to come on and say hello and that I am thinking of all of you...the last couple of days have been really busy, but I have stopped by and read your posts....

Crystal: I am so very sorry that you are in such a painful place right now...as others have said, it is a place we here are all familiar with. The only thing we can do is listen, give you a place to talk about your pain, and to tell you that though it is difficult to believe now, there will come a day when this pain will soften, and you will find it easier to breathe. You are so very, very early into this, and it is a very difficult time for you. Those around you don't understand...they can't, and unfortunately that makes it worse for you. But, please come here, vent, talk, cry, anything you need to do...just, please, stay safe!

Kathy: Unfortunately, I do not have any advice for you re Tavian...Dee would likely be able to give you some words of wisdom, as she deals with this all the time, I would imagine. When Davis started acting out in school, (about the same age as Tavian, maybe a little sooner), we tried everything there was to try...nothing ever worked, but I think it had a lot to do with what he was going through...it was at a time when his mom was going through a very difficult period, and was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since then, things settled down, but at the time, it was tough on all of us, and mostly, on Davis. I guess my only "advice" would be to work with his teacher, follow things closely, and be consistent with his responsibilities and your expectations of his behavior at home. I am so sorry that this worry is in your heart. I do like that Barry surprised you with the lights...especially that they were the ones you wanted...I'll bet they look great!

Leah: I hope that the weather allowed you to take your daughter to the doctor and that all worked out okay. I am thinking of you and holding you close in thought.

Sherry: I am glad the wind storm passed by your area quickly and there was no damage...that is always a relief. We are having unseasonably warm weather this week...today was in the high 60's and rather humid, but the fall foliage seems to be defying the bad weather we'd had recently, and is bursting out everywhere. Just beautiful.

Lorri: Love the ring that Kody gave to Brooke, really nice. Thanks for sharing. So sorry that he wiped out his race car, but glad that he wasn't hurt.

Dee: Prayers still being said for Jon, that he might find more sunshine in his life. I am so sorry that you've been down, and sorry also that Jon has such problems with being able to move away from the sadness he feels. I know how it hurts your heart that you can't help him and just "make it better." I experience much the same with Davis...he has done a lot of work to fix the problems in his life, but he still hasn't been able to move into that "better" phase of his life...he had to leave all of his old "friends" behind when he changed his lifestyle, and now suffers from loneliness.

Bonnie: thinking of you and Rich this week...holding you close in prayer and thought as you approach your beautiful sunshine-faced son's day of entering into your life and changing it forever. This day will always be a day of celebration in your heart---though the sadness is there, allow the joy to come through...Jason...beautiful Jason.

We had a bit of worry here today; our phone rang at 8 am and it was Sarah's mom, telling us they had all three (Sarah, Maureen and Damon) been in a car accident. She was extremely upset and shaking when she was talking, but she did manage to get it out that they were "okay," but were being transported to the hospital. Damon was find. Sarah was strapped to a stretcher as they were not sure what her injuries were. A severely sprained neck is what seems to be wrong thus far. Maureen is having some back and neck pain, also, but I think her nerves had her in such a state, that if there were anything wrong, she wasn't even feeling it. (she has extreme anxiety) Damon was just fine. I asked him about it, and he said that it was "cool" to ride in the ambulance. He said as soon as he got in, they gave him a white teddy bear, and they were very nice to him. He said the accident made him think it was a "Hero's Party" with all the firemen, police and ambulances that were there. Apparently, someone crossed over the double line, pretty far, and crashed into the truck in front of Sarah. It was a huge, V8 toyota Tundra, and took most of the damage. It is totaled. Completely. The driver was fine. The person who crossed the line then plowed into Sarah's car, but stopped at the mid-line, right after the middle door (Sarah has a Toyota Rav4). It was difficult to assess the damage to Sarah's car...the driver's side wheel was shredded, but couldn't tell if the actual wheel was bent under or not. A huge, deep scrape is along the driver's side, all the way to the back bumper. I am so very thankful that they were all okay. We are not sure about the other driver, but Sarah said that while in the ambulance, she heard the call go over the line that they were transporting a "57 yo woman with an apparent broken nose." So, one of those horrific, scary looking accidents, but fortunately, thank God, everyone got out okay.

Leah, Rhonda, Karen, Colleen, Marcia, and all of our Indigos, I think of you all everyday, and you are of course, included in my prayers.

I am trying to force myself into a new sleep plan, and am going to try to go to bed at the same time every night...perhaps I can re-develop a sleep pattern that will give me some rest. Tonight is my first night.

sending love and peace to all

carol mikesmomrs

[nicksdad]

[Guest msnher]

Thinking of Ethan, too!

Carol - OH. MY. GOSH! I am so glad Sarah, Maureen and Damon are alright. What a scare that had to have been!

Crystal - December 8th is right around the corner. Are you going to attend the trial? Will they allow it? Are you up to it? We were still in the middle of the civil trial for Steph's kids at the time of her death. I had to testify 5 days after her service. I didn't know I had to testify, I was there anyway, so when they called me to be the last person of the day I was ready. No one from our family was allowed in the courtroom. I waited in the hallway. Stephanie's exhusband's girlfriend was on trial for abusing her (Steph's) children for over a year. We didn't know where they were during that year...it's a long story). A friend sat out in the hallway with me. I was amazed at myself when I sat on the witness stand. Strength and dignity rose from within me. I was presenting myself as the woman I always hoped I'd be. I could feel Stephanie's strength holding me up those two hours. In the end the girlfriend reached a plea bargain and was charged with 2 counts felony child abuse and they dropped the 2nd degree sexual assault charge so we didn't have to go to criminal trial. We weren't happy they dropped the sexual assault charge, because she is guilty, but we were grateful we didn't have to go through another trial. The civil trial was between the state and the exhusband and girlfriend because they maintained their innocence and said the state had no right to take their (our) kids. The civil trial alone took over a year and then Stephanie's death....so, I was grateful the legal stuff was over. In the end the judge gave us Stephanie's children, whom we've legally adopted.

I tell you all that to say this, I wish I was there to be with you during the trial for Ashlee. Just to be with you like my friend did for me. Colleen had to go through something similar after her son died. It's so difficult. Then again, maybe it helps hold us together because we have purpose for a little while. I want to ask Ashlee's boyfriend what the hell he was thinking, too! I'm just so sorry for all of it. I can't be there in person, but I AM there with you in spirit. Prayers my friend.

This probably won't help you because it's so stupid, but one of the things that helped me through the minutes after Steph died and her kids were in school and my husband at work was watching what the stars were wearing on the red carpet. I know. It's dumb. But, I couldn't function. All I did was sit and cry. But, the red carpet diverted my mind for just a few minutes at a time. I don't care what the stars wear on the red carpet. Never have......it was just my diversion for a while.

Prayers to all of you...for all of you....for all of us!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[kmb22]

Edit

[Crystal16]

I appreciate all the encouraging words, compassion and the understanding of where I am on my journey of grief!

If I didn't have all of you I'm not sure if I could get through the day let along look towards a future! Each and everyone of you, understands my pain unfortunately and I come here daily to read your posts! It keeps me sane, hearing your grief, joys and baby steps through the healing process makes me hopeful that someday I too can be where you are.....

[nicksdad]

Thinking of you Jason....

[ericasmom]

ETHAN, you little love, peace for eternity. Sweep through the house today, brush against your Momma and your whole family letting them know that you exist in another plane just outside their vision and their touch, but that you are indeed there.

[hotrod]

DEAR BONNIE

THINKING OF YOU ON THIS

OH SO "SPECIAL DAY"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

JASON

[Guest msnher]

Happy Belly Button Day, Jason! Wrap your mother tight in your hugs today...

[Guest msnher]

Question for you all - I received a letter home from Tavian's teacher that we need to talk about his "behavior" in school... I need to call her tomorrow to talk. Barry and I sat and talked with Tavian tonight and he said he has been getting in trouble in school every day !! We asked him to explain it to us the best he could and he said he talks to much, he does not pay attention and does not always listen. We then talked to him about behavior, right and wrong, what was acceptable and not acceptable.....I told him that we needed to talk to his teacher before we decided what we were going to do. I am very upset as he has never had a problem acting out in school and getting in to trouble.....What am I doing wrong ?? It has been a hard road with going from being a Mi-Mi to a mommy / Mi-Mi and I haven't always been strong enough to make the right choices but I have done the best I can.....Maybe I should take him back to see his therapist, maybe we both need to. I know I am jumping ahead of myself and need to talk to his teacher first.....but damn it I do not want Tavian to have bad behavior problems Is it the age ??? Is it me ?? He is so very smart and I want him to be respectful, kind and good....asking too much ??? HELP......

Good night my friends, sleep well and peacefully....Kathy

Kathy - I don't know much, but I do know you're not doing anything wrong! I agree with Carol; Dee will no doubt have good advice. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why, when our kids - or in our case our grandkids - gets in trouble, do we blame ourselves? Been there, done that. I can't help but remember Lorri's advice the last time the school called you about Tavian. She was right. There was a lot more to the story but Tavian was willing to take all the blame. He's probably being just a normal boy who needs some direction to more positive behavior....but, he is a good kid.....and you are a good mother! You'll handle this just fine. Just remember it's not you.

love to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom - oh look YOUR color switched to my typing...fun!! (I'm easily amused.)

[shorty16]

Bonnie - Thinking of you today. Sending you warm thoughts and saying his name out loud Jason, Jason, Jason

Enid, also thinking of you as this is Ethans 2nd angelversary. Sending warm thought to Windhoek Namibia Africa Ethan, Ethan, Ethan

Colleen

[4everjoeysmom]

Birthday wishes blowing plentiful on the breeze

Upward to Heaven, to Jason would you please

Hugs and hello's for his mama here below

from the boy scrubbed in sunshine we have come to know

Love & Blessings to you Bonnie, as you reminisce in bittersweet times cherished with your beautiful boy!

Happy Birthday Jason!!

[4everjoeysmom]

Enid, Wrapping thoughts and prayers around you today as you find your way through your sweet Ethan's 2 year mark..

HUGS & Love!!

[heartbeataway]

Thinking of you Jason....

Wow .....

Thanks Dan ........ and thanks to everyone who remembered and sent wishes.

We are celebrating his life ........

Jason Michael Holloway

October 27th, 1975 – April 28th, 2007

Celebrating you……

We’re celebrating your life today, that’s what birthdays are all about.

Your life mattered.

You were important.

You did so much more than die.

You lived, and your life touched others.

So, today, on your birthday, we’re going to focus on the living you.

We’ll lift our arms to feel close to you

We’re going to say your name out loud

We’ll close our eyes and see your smile, remember the twinkle in your eye

We’ll feel your presence in the air and listen for your laughter in the wind.

We’ll visit the mountain where you’re resting.

We’ll look out over the rocks and view the valley through your eyes

Your cross will remind us we’re grieving

We’ll leave you messages as we reflect on our loss.

We’ll seek comfort in the passing clouds

Hear the rustle of leaves as we walk

Birds will soar high, a sign that you’re near

We’ll feel grateful even though you’re not here.

Later, we’ll sit by the campfire

Tell stories, sing songs, reminisce

We’ll talk about your big old heart

How we loved you and how much you’re missed

We’re celebrating you today, the little boy that was.

The man who grew, the love we knew

The spirit you are today.

We won’t forget the life you lived

Your generous nature, your loving smile

Soar high with love, there’s more than enough

We’ll see you again one day

Until then, we’ll be here, a mere heartbeat away.

Loving YOU son, today and always,

Mom & Dad

“Ask me why I grieve so that I can say his name again.”

[mysonrich]

Jason,

[mysonrich]

I said "no". When my brother called and asked me to see about care for my dad, he has COPD, and other aliments, I said "no". Dad has two living kids, we can both do this. I don't care if my brother can see Russia from his house. He can help. He was to far away to help with Mom as he and others judged me and what I attempted. I moved. I lost my son in that move. Would it had made a difference if I stayed? who knows,but geographical locations does not mean you can kick back and place the responsibility on me. After my left arm and shoulder stopped shaking uncontrollable, after I called a friend,after I thought, " how much more can I take"....I'm tired..I said "no"....haven't heard from him since.

Called 911 for my Aunt last night. She is ok, so far.In the hospital. She has diabetics and she was dizzy upon standing., She told me to call her kids. "all of them"...the phone wires were burning up.

when the ambulance rolled away I just sat down on the deck and cried. tension release valve.

my week so far..

CArol, Leah, Bonnie, Susannah,Dee,BEtty,Karen,Kathy,Sherri,Lorri,Crystal...sorry I can't say much but I do read. I am just tired!

[lolynbo]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON....CLIMB HILLS AND MOUNTAINS TO THE TOP...IN YOUR AWESOME JEEP IN HEAVEN...YOU DONT EVEN HAVE TO BUCKLE UP YOUR TOTALLY SAFE IN EVERY THING YOU DO....ENJOY THE RIDE...

[Guest msnher]

(((((Betsy))))) I'm crying with you. Praying you are wrapped in protective peace and love.

Susannah

[ericasmom]

A quick write---directions for an I AM FROM poem.

Visualize one of the homes you remember most from your childhood---write lists from each room of what you see and occasionally, significant things that happened in that room. You may want to put everyday things too.

After you gather these remembrances, start your poem with: I am from ___________________and _____________. For instance, I am from a bright yellow formica table, complete with pedestal in a cramped kitchen. I am from the place under the table, the pedestal that held me and hid me away from the fights that wrecked havoc across the table and up and down the days. I am from the window that looked into the brick wall of our neighbors and wished I was there instead.

Keep going through the house and out into the front or back of the house.

They turn into beautiful pieces of poetry with the repetition causing the melody of it.

Kath, grabbing a minute to address your Tav situation. Go in asking questions and one of those questions can be if there is a time of day that behavior worsens? This could show a blood sugar drop or a hunger issue or eating the wrong thing for lunch if it is the afternoon...if there is not particular time frame, ask for specific things that Tavian is doing and who it is happening with. Is it always at Math, is it when he works with Joe or susy, is it when he seems to want attention? Is the work too hard or is he unable to take in auditory directions and risks not being seen as such by acting out? Kath, you know how I feel about therapy, I wish so many kids were able to go, but so few are. I would say that since he has a relationship with a therapist, he could easily go back and talk about what is new in his life now...Sometimes parents and kids need to draw a timeline, one that starts with their birth and shows the death of their parent, and the events after that, even Tav had first birthday without his mom, tav learned to ride his bike with papa. tav and granny went to the ocean to camp... events big and smaller to show him how far he has come, to show you too. Maybe then he can choose a color code to indicate happy things, sad things, medium things...sometimes this unclogs what is balled up. Good luck, give him a hug. And for heavens sake, you didn't do this, Tav did. If you say to him, What did I do wrong to make you do this Tav? His response for all of his less-than moments will be your fault. Don't own his mistakes Kathy, let him so that he can equally own his success.

love ya

[ericasmom]

JASON, the day you arrived was/is the most lovely day for your Momma and then for Rich, celebrating the gift of your presence in their lives. This is a day to look skyward and say Thanks Jason for all you are and have been to so many. Your love keeps on shining on.

[shorty16]

Indigos

I have an issue and I need to know if it is my issue or WHAT????

My friend contacted me. She has been a good friend for over 10 years, but she absolutely-positively does not understand the depth of this grief. I have changed and find it hard to talk and even spend time with her.

I know she wants to play nice with me, but the stress of spending time with her has begun to be more than the happiness I get out of seeing her. I do not want to end this friendship, but I am not who I was and my views/feelings/ etc. have changed so much - she has stayed the same.

I want to stay friends, but the stress of meeting is too much for me right now.

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Happy heavenly birthday, Jason! Take my boy Westley on a ride in the Jeep I hear you must have! Watch the sunset over the mountains and remember us! We love you all!

Betsy-So sorry it is being such a rough time for you. Take care of yourself.

Have a good day all if you can.

[mpsmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Jason !!!!!!!!!

Let your Mom and Rich know you are always right there beside them.

HUGSSSS

[kmb22]

Happy Birthday dear Jason; please let your family know you're close today. Bonnie, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I have been quiet for a short time Unable to touch the deep grief and sadness but still very much connected and concerned with all my Indigo angels and friends.

Betsy Oh my you did the absolute right thing in saying "NO" I cannot take care of Dad. You are just beginning to heal from so much trauma that you have handled over the past few years. Rich's passing, your moms illness and passing changing jobs, moving . These are all huge stressors and high on the list of anxiety producers. Please know that an alternate solution will surface that will ensure that Dad is taken care of but it is not up to you to take it on. So sorry to hear about your aunt. She and her children were fortunate to have you with her last night. Praying for your peace.

Colleen I understand how you feel I too cannot connect with my old friends or family in the same manner as before. I have explained it to everyone. Those who can accept the new me, short visits, not laughing and a sarcastic gossip then they call and we go out to lunch or dinner If they are looking for the old me then I no longer interact with them It was not a hard parting It was done with love and mutual understanding

You are not alone in this

Bonnie and Claudia loved the Poems forJason

Well indigos I think I will try Dee's new assignment and crawl out from under the table and ponder where I would like to be.

Sherry, My little hurt squirrel is still with us . Loved seeing your pictures as well as Lorrie. and Carol . Damien continues to make me smile with his Yesterday, yesterday comments

Leah, Rhonda, Karen.Crystal, Elaine. and all Indigos stay well

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I am so darn happy that you said, NO. It is not okay for others to continually count on the one who steps up. We get tired and beaten down, and sick of duty duty duty, and we get SICK. I am glad that you are letting your Bro that he needs to step up and take some of the responsibility. I know that this is hard to do, but it must also feel a bit good to let go of some of this.

Col, I have a similar issue with my old friend, grew up together from age 11 on. She has always been pretty whacky, but her whaki behaviors, her waste of her life on really bad things and petty things is too hard to be around, and I too have to let her know. I sort of have been slowly as we go along. I just don't enjoy being around her constant drama and constant blame of others for her messed up life.

Your friend may just need you to send her a card or letter explaining that at this time, life has changed so much that it is hard for you to sit and chat over coffee or a drink. Maybe you could suggest an activity that you like to do, with an abbrieiviated time frame. Or maybe, you simply (if only it was) tell her you are just not up for hanging out lately.

Love ya,

dee

[daveydow1]

Carol----Thoughts & prayers for Davis, as he tries to find his way

around lonliness and making a new life for himself.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, JASON.

Thinking of you today, Bonnie, Rich, and family. Peace to you.

Claudia----So good to see Joey's smile on BI.

Enid----Prayers for you today....sweet ETHAN'S ANGEL DAY.

Betsy-----It's so good that you said 'no', when your brother asked you to shoulder

all the responsibility for arranging your dad's care. Although it is sometimes

difficult, we must be able to say 'no' sometimes, and you have done more than your

share. Hope your Aunt is feeling better.

Betty---The little squirrel must be busy preparing for fall/winter. She must count

on you to be there with the nuts, for her snacking enjoyment.

Colleen----As Betty said, sometimes we do drift away from old friends who don't seem to

understand the depth of sorrow we have when grieving a child's death. I, too, have

had friends who 'drifted' away from me after Dave's death, but it has been alright

with me, because...as you say....it's not a good "fit" anymore, and I guess we just

may not have the strength to endure silly gossip, endless drama, and other petty

stuff. I hope it all works out ok.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry