Loss of an Adult Child

[summergirl]

JJ - I welcome you to our wonderful BI family but as always when someone new joins us it breaks my heart knowing that another child has left this world way too soon. It is such a short time since you lost your daughter I can't imagine you feeling any other way then you do .... I lost my daughter Jessica to ARVD (sudden death) at the age of 26 on Feb 18, 2006 - it will be 5 years this coming Feb and I do not / can not think about that right now, it is too painful. Jessica left behind a 4 year old son Tavian whom my husband and I have full custody of, he is now 8 and the light the leads me. I was not angry at Jessica, angry at other things - mostly the WHY MY DAUGHTER ??? I was in such shock that I did not know what to do with myself, I thought at times I was going crazy and at times I did not care about anything except my pain - I just wanted my daughter back.....I was blessed to have Tavian, a reason to keep moving forward even when my head screamed NO. It is true when we tell you that time will soften the pain but right now you can not believe that so keep coming here, we walk with you and you are safe here, free to talk about all your feelings.....This site has saved me many times and continues to do so.....please share more of your daughter when you can....Bless you

Dee - you are like the mama here but I believe we are about the same age - I will be 54 on Sunday All of Jessica's friends call me mama, always have and continue to do so....makes my heart smile.

Greg - you are right, that last line is a definite Aaawwwhhh - your wife is a lucky woman and you a lucky man

Got alot of painting done today - the whole livingroom - walls, ceiling and woodwork primed - thought I would get to Barry's office but painting doesn't go as fast as you would like. It is starting to feel like "my home" even though we have not moved in yet. Each time I complete another room it feels more like home. Barry got some real niee recessed lights for the kitchen today so he will be busy playing electrician this weekend as he is also putting in a new service.....good thing he is a master electrician. My mother-in-law stopped by while I was painting and chatted for a bit, that was nice, different but nice.

I forget who asked me about Tavian's other grandmother (sorry the brain doesn't work like it used to) but anyway....we have had some problems off and on concerning Tavian.....she is Dominican, has lived here for the past 30 years but she has a different way of doing things then I do......there are things she does that I do not agree with when it comes to Tavian and since we have full custody of him then I have the say and she does not like it. The one thing she has consistantly done is not allow Tavian to have contact with us when he is visiting her and that is a definite "NO WAY" in my rule book......she feels that when he is there he should be focused on them and not us.......I just don't get it, Tavian needs to know that we are ok and a phone call is quite simple. I have changed the time he spends with them...he used to go for a week but now it will be Friday night and come home Sunday afternoon, that is long enough. However, if he chooses not to go then he does not have too.....Yes, I can be a tough Mi-Mi - when it comes to Tavian I am very protective.

I am exhausted so I will say goodnite my friends. I wish you all a peaceful sleep and Angel kisses....Love, Kathy

[briansdad]

Dee,

I try to go fishing in the fall but this year has been taken up with a lot of weddings.

[shorty16]

Indigos

Just a post "Hello" My husband went to his friends to play video games (sounds like a 10 year old). Aaron, Trevor and 3 other friends are in the basement watching scarey movies.

We carved the pumpkins tonight and it was fun. I covered our livingroom floor with plastic and put newspaper over that. We cared 5 pumpkins and cooked the seed. All turned out great.

Trevor cut himself with the knife (not bad) and broke a pumpkin carving blade. It was his first time and once he knew what to do, he carved a happy-face into the pumpkin. They are outside with tea lights----glowing.

Michelle carved two letters B J. Brian's initials

Really fun

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Colleen, sounds like a wonderful time carving pumpkins on the protected floors. Love that the seeds all cooked up nicely. what a great aroma. I like the initials in the pumpkin. Nice for Trevor to have had this experience. I think that Brian must be proud of you.

Kath, happy upcoming birthday. I am 54.5, having turned in April. I am sitting here looking at the beautiful full moon and wishing you all good sleep. I am tired after conferences and preparations for the writing workshop. Wish me luck and thanks everyone for sending me your 6 words and lists. I will give you more to write if you like later in weekend.

Trudi, any news on your Baby Grandie Boy?

[Guest msnher]

Gary and I went to see "Hereafter" tonight. For me, it was definitely worth it! Of course I cried and there were times in the movie I thought "I shouldn't be here" or "I need to get out of here". But, in the end I was glad I went and left feeling lighter, better..........happy (?) even. For me it put together some missing pieces of the puzzle. Just for me. Something clicked for me. I left feeling more alive. Or alive at all. It might not last, but I'll take what I can get. We then went to Olive Garden for dinner. It turned out to be a lovely evening.

"Awwww" is right Greg!

I'll catch up on the rest of the posts later...

Rest well, Indigo's.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

just wanted to share...

We went to visit JaBoa's gravesite today, I hear the weather is supposed to snow/rain next week, and I don't travel in that stuff anymmore... anyway... all day I cried.. just having a hard time grasping things with mom and the angelversary coming.. but on the way home, my son and grandaughter were having a blast.. they were watching a whole lot of angels dancing on the moon..they were so happy watching it.. I tried to see them.. but I couldn't... but all I could think about was it was our angels.. it was the first comfort I had all day

welcome newbies.. sorry your here.. but it is a great place to get your emotions out amidst a lot of people that are so caring. We share our angels... our stories.. or sadness.. I hope that you feel free to share with us.. or just to read..please just know your not alone

[mikesmum]

Sherry - are they holly hocks?? love the bounty from your garden.

Greg - AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW By the way I have included 'fishing' in my things to do just being. So far its more for the peace and serenity.

On Zak. His appendix is out, the abyss that formed in the week after he was discharged with 'gastro' was involving his colon and bladder. 2 1/2 hr op with a small scar.

Stayed overnight with him last night. He is recovering fast, ahh the young.

Being there I found my 'anxiety' where my kids and grandies are concerned is lessening.

A young boy was admitted to the ward this morning with a broken ankle and torn tendon. His name 'Jon'. Thought of you Dee......

[jj in florida]

Hello everyone:

Thank you all for your warm welcome. You are all much appreciated. I read your stories, and all are so sad, so very sad.

I apologize, I do not remember the names of you who responded to me...I will learn eventually by coming here often.

To those who just recently lost their children, oh........how numb we feel. I really have no feeling. And perhaps I am in denial, and I don't even realize it. I just don't know anything right now. Been staying up late because I can't sleep the past 2 nights...whereas before, all I wanted to do was sleep. Grief is a horrible process, especially when those I know do not understand. That seems to make what we are experiencing worse than what it already is.

I sent a few more "thank-you's" out to the folks who remembered my daughter by sending sympathy cards. My daughter's name is Janelle. I love that name....I loved saying her name. I have not cried for days. And now I just started crying because I wrote her name.

Today a friend of my daughter's .....whom I met at the funeral, {she is the person who stayed with her through the whole ordeal at the hospital after the accident}

.........that "friend of Janelle's" wrote me the most horrible email message....and basically she doesn't want to have any contact with me / or be my friend. That is what she wrote. I supposedly said " something to offend" her, and another someone told her I "said" .....whatever........., and my daughter's friend told me to keep my conversations to myself.

Honestly, I do not know what she is talking about. My conscience is clear, so I do not know "where she is coming from". I do not even know this person, she was my daughter's friend. This person stayed with Janelle and watched her die....before I could get there. Janelle was in KS, and I was still in FL. I thanked her over & over and told her how much I appreciated all her help and kindness & I sent her a beautiful thank you card. I do not know what her "problem" is, except this is her way to express grief. I have forgiven this person....this is the only way I KNOW I can "go forward". Why she chose to pull a stunt like this, I do not know.

We chatted on FaceBook for about 20 minutes on Oct 19th... she put up a memorial site on FaceBook for my daughter. I had not ever been on FaceBook until just a few days ago. I always thought of FB as for the "younger generation", but she put photos of Janelle on the site, and I had to register to FB to see them. Anyway, we "chatted", and then another day, I think it was Oct 21, I chatted with my daughter's fiance'. It was a heartfelt chat. These were the only two people I have spoken to ...and they are my daughter's friends.

So somewhere....somehow....I said or chatted something that really angered her...because my daughter's fiance' told another friend "something", and that friend told the person that is so angry at me. That's all I know...this is according to her email message........ "She received a message ". Didn't say from who or who said what. Just that she didn't want to have any contact with me, and she didn't need people like me in her life, and the above statement about keeping my conversations to myself.

I had told her "thank you" many times, and to everyone I had spoken to at the funeral how much I had appreciated her help. I do not recall saying or chatting anything against her to anyone. My conscience is clear, so I am just going to "let it go".

I will be praying for each & everyone of you for some of the pain to subside for even "just a moment"....God does hear our prayers. I know He does....He is my strength.

Thank you all so much for being here...even though I wish we wouldn't have to be here. And thanks for "listening" about my daughter's friend....

I am really OK with it. I am not going let it get to me, as I have done nothing to her or against her.

Sincerely,

JJ in Florida

PS Who is the person who lives in Florida? I live in Vero Beach, FL

Again, I apologize, I don't remember any of your names yet.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's. It is a rainy day here today....snow in the higher elevations. We're at 5000 ft....

JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE -JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE - JANELLE saying the most beautiful name for your momma! I will never get over thank you cards when someone dies! I couldn't do it. Definitely not at just a few weeks. At Stephanie's first angelversary mark I wrote a thank you poem and put it in the paper. I wasn't angry when Stephanie first died. I'm angry now. No. I was angry yesterday. I'm not angry today. LOL When Steph first died I just wanted to hurry and get the grieving process over because I was too busy to be incapacitated by such pain.

Throughout my life I had had definite experiences that proved to me life does not end at death. Indeed, there is no such thing as "death". In my arrogance and ignorance I thought I would be able to skip grief. So naive'! Stephanie's death challenged every belief I ever held onto. THAT made me the angriest.....I think. It has been absolutely the most painful experience I've ever had. At first it was also the most spiritual, too. Now, it just seems empty.

The movie Hereafter changed some of that for me. All the reviews I read about the movie so far have been negative. I can't disagree with the reviews. But when the movie plot(s) are combined together and then combined with MY own experiences, it makes sense. It inconspicuously answers questions I didn't know I had. I can understand it not having that affect on everyone, especially those bound by religious beliefs, but it connected the dots of my own experiences. Even though it was "just a movie" it's conveys, in fantasy, many of the experiences I've had in reality. I left the theater with an "Ohhhhhh.....now, I get it.." attitude. I almost felt as if the movie was made just for me.

It is my opinion that unless the "viewer" has had similar experiences as those presented in the movie, it may leave you feeling flat or simply depressed. But for people like me, it may just change your life. Or at least give you enough courage and/or energy to face another day.

That's my unintended review.

Love the pictures, Sherry. Are the flowers recent? Do y'all have flowers during the winter?

Kathy - I'm so glad your new home is beginning to feel like home. I am certain Jessica has something to do with it all!

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

hadnt had a chance to read lately...

KODY RACED LAST NIGHT DID WELL IN HIS HEAT RACE...THEN IN HIS RACE RACE (CALLED FEATURE) HE WAS GAINING ON THE 4TH AND 3RD CAR AND HIS A-FRAME BROKE LOST CONTROL OF THE STEERING AND CRASHED ON THE HILL THEN GOT REARENDED (THAT GUY HAD NO WHERE TO GO)...SO KODY CAR IS CRUMBLED...LOOKS LIKE A CHEAP LUNCH BOX....BUT DADDY IS WORKING ON THE AFRAME AND THE CONTROL ARM AND WILL BANG OUT THE BODY FOR TONIGHTS RACE...IF IT DONT RAIN.....

SO KODYS SUPPOSE TO BE AT WORK AT 11, THEY SCHEDULED HIM KNOWING HE RACES AND HAD ASKED OFF FOR IT WEEKS AHEAD....BROOKE TEXTED AND SAID THAT KODY WAS NOW OFF THE SCHEDULE...SO SHE ASKED THE OFFICE LADY WHY WAS HE OFF....THE LADY SAID "I CANT SAY, BUT HES OFF TODAY"....SO TO ME THAT MEANS IF HE SHOWS UP HES FIRED, IF HE DONT SHOW UP...HES FIRED.......AFTER 2 YEARS OF WORKING THERE AND ASKING OFF AHEAD OF TIME THEY WANNA PLAY GAMES...

OTHER THEN THAT...AT THE RACES LAST NIGHT CARLEY CAME UP OUTTA NO WHERE AND STARTED TOALKN TO ME AND BROOKE ON HER OWN...GOSH SHES HARD TO FIGURE OUT.....GOT TO SEE MY BRENT...HE ALWAYS TEASES ME AND HUGS ME...I JUST FEEL SO BLESSED TO HAVE HAD HIM FOR A SON IN LAW FOR 9 MONTHS AND THAT HE LOVED MY LIL GIRL....THEN WE GO TO IHOP TO EAT AFTER THE RACES...THERE THEY ALL ARE SITTIN TOGETHER...AND CARLEYS GRAND MA IS TRYING TO GET BRINLEY ASLEEP...AND SHES WALKN AROUND RESTRARANT...AND WALKS BY US...AND I SAY "HI BRINLEY"...AND GREAT GRANNY HAS NO IDEA WHO WE ARE...AND SAYS "YES THIS IS MY GREAT GRAND DAUGHTER, I NEVER THOUGHT ID BE A GREAT GRANDMA, SHES SO CUTE ...BLAH BLAH BLAH".....SHE DOESNT NO.....IF MY DAUGHTER HADNT DEID ID BE A GRANNY AND SHE WOUDLNT BE A GREAT GRANDMA...I AND KOURTNEY SACRIIFCED SO SHE CLD BE A GREAT GRANNY.....

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

Janelle is a lovely name JJ, really pretty. I am sorry for the ridiculous behavior of others when it comes to who said what? I do not go on FB, never have because I spend time here and have no energy for FB. So many things can be misconstrued. I am sorry though because the last thing you need is others mistaking your words and being angry. Who needs more negativity at this time ? So Janelle lived in KS or was visiting? Have you been contacted by a lawyer or any legal advice concerning your Daughter's accident? WE pursued AMTRAK when the Eri's car was struck by a train, but because it happened in Michigan which has torte-reform law, protecting the biggest companies from legal action, and because the light she was obeying was originally put in the ground by the township, not Amtrak, we had little to go on, though it took 4 years to find that out. It looked like a clear case against the city of Kalamazoo and Amtrak at first, but then no...oh well, the streets were reconfigured along with the 5 places that the train cuts through that town, all reconfigured because of what happened to ERica, so we are thankful for that. I don't know how you do it JJ, writing thank y ous, I could not do it beyond the ones I wrote to children that came to the wake adn funeral. I felt that they were so brave to come knowing that their old teacher was so sad. Eri's funeral was very well attended, but each day I carried those damn cards down with good intentions, I could not write them. I give you a lot of credit.

Not feeling anything right now is God's way or our bodies way of protecting you from the pain. Shock is like that. Once the shock starts to ware away, you will begin to feel more of the ache. Sleep is an issue for many of us, so talk to your doctor. Even just trying to drink sleepy time tea with hney before bed might help, but many people get a perscription for sleeping aids. I didn't, just up when I was up in the night, read, wrote, went on line. The hard part is if you have to go back to work, it is very hard to go back to work with this kind of LOSS so recent. I wish you so much, but mostly I wish you love,

[shorty16]

Indigos

AHh the dreaded "Thank you cards"

We received over $5000 from people. Everytime I would sit down to write Thank you's, I would cry. Then, I asked myself, Why am I doing this alone? So many people asked what they could do to help me. So I invited about 12 people over (mostly neighbors and family), we wrote almost 300 thank you's to those that gave money or food (many others sent a card). I saved every card and we used those. It took the phonebook, computer, Hamilton HS phone book and my personal address book to get all the addresses.

We had fun and got them done in about 2 hours.

I am an arganizational-freak. So I managed to get this together when I was on auto-pilot.

We purchased a lannon stone table and 3 bench set for Sunburst Ski Area. Brian was an avid snowboarder and had season passes for the last 5 years. This table has a bronze plaque with Brian's name, DOB, angel date. We do not see it often, but families enjoy themselves on it.

We also purchased 5 lannon stone benches, 4 feet long each. 4 went to the high school as the senior class gift and one went in our back yard. That pretty much used up all the money.

I am sending warm thoughts your way JJ to make this process of Thank you's easy on you (as easy as it can be)

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - OMG I am so weary from painting all day again today....I think I am using muscles that I haven't used since I was a teenager But progress again today - Kitchen and dining area completely done......Tavian's playroom and bedroom all primed and ready to go....livingroom all primed and ready to go....tomorrow I will do it again...

JANELLE - what a beautiful name JJ - I would love to hear more about your daughter when you are up to it. I am sorry for the friend of Janelle's who is being so mean to you - unfortunalely we come across some people on this journey who have just do not get it and for this girl to be so hateful to you is uncalled for "these are the kind of people we call "stupid people" - not to be mean but because they should know better than to say "the stupidist things ever" - My saying is "God forgive the stupid people for they no not that they are stupid" - Many of us here have endured alot of thoughtless people on this journey and I still after almost 5 years have people say things that I wil never understand. I forgive but I do not forget....Do not worry about this girl, it is the last thing you need right now....maybe someday she will understand what she has done and will explain to you....I am glad you are letting it go...just take care of you. Bless you

Lorri - some things never change do they ??? Kody should not lose his job after asking for the time off awhile ago - I hope it works out and his job is safe. I am sorry that you had to endure the "great grandma" episode. Remember that some day Kody will make you a grandma. I know it is not the same my friend I could send you Tavian for a bit if you want Love you girlfriend...

Yes, the Thank you notes - you know my mother-in-law called me after about 2 weeks and told me "you really need to get those thank you cards out as people are wondering where they are" - I was beyond words......I honestley could not imagine that people were "asking where thery were" and I got very angry but I sat down and spent many hours writing them......there were so many I think I went on auto-pilot and just kept writing, probably wrote the same thing to everyone, don't remember. Who ever said there was a set time for sending out thank you notes after you lose your child and who comes up with these things anyway ??? I did write a very nice letter and put it in our local paper as we received ALOT of money......somewhere around 40 thousand and I believe it was becuz someone knew we were going to have a custody battle and that is where most of it went.....I believe, I believe.....

I cannot write one more word, my fingers are hurting and my brain is turning to mush.. Sweet dreams my friends...Kathy

[lolynbo]

I JUST WANNA FN SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

[westleysmom]

Kathy-Rest that arm and sleep well. I know its going to be "home" with all the personal touches you are and will be putting on the new house.

Dee-Hope all went well with the workshop.

Leah-Sorry for the hard tears. Some days are just like that, especially close to the big dates. Thinking of you.

Susannah-I have debated about seeing that movie. I probably won't, but just because we never go to the movies. Did you get in before curfew again?

Trudi-So good to hear that Zak is doing better and has only a little scar.

Colleen-Its so warm here that if we carved the pumpkins, they would be gone by Tuesday. I hope it cools up soon.

I spent the day with my friend Susan whose son died right before Westley. We mostly shopped and had a nice lunch. It is uncanny how alike we are. I told her I had a really bad day last week, and she asked me which one. I told her Wednesday, and she said that was the day she cried all day long and thought she couldn't go on one more moment. I hope that we can keep seeing each other, it really helps to have her to talk to, just like it helps to talk to you all. I hope you are all having a good evening and have sweet dreams.

Janelle is a beautiful name, JJ. I'm sorry the "friend" is being so hateful to you at a time that is already so painful.

Lorri-I hope Kody's job is safe, and I'm glad he is okay after the wreck.

[mikesmum]

Janelle - Here we have an imaginary 'book' of 'what the'. Things people have said or done that beg belief, your 'friend' makes the cut. Losing a child, it really alters so much. I had a friend I met through work. She actually trained me in my job. She introduced me to my husband and many people, including our families, thought we were sisters. When Mike died she was so supportive. She understood the job and the part me working played in my grief, she did for about 2 months. When I didn't surface from my home or return calls she sent the most horrible emails to me. The gist, she had been there for me and I hadn't been there for her. My son died, her young daughter was pregnant again I was selfish and self absorbed...probably still am, just don't care.

Kathy - the power of working on something we want drives us. The garden at the beach house was overgrown. In the past weeks I have restabilished the small lawn area, planted many natives and restablished gardens. Today I bought a couple of pieces that would 'suit' it down to the ground. Love it.

Lorri - SCREAM AWAY..................

Spent this morning with Anthony his baby boy and their new pup then off to the hospital to spend some time with Zak. This afternoon I called into see Steven. He was home with Jeya. That young lady has him right where she wants him. I believe its around her little finger

Tonight I am in my jammies. Dinner is homemade fried rice...simple and filling. Then I think bed sounds like a brilliant idea.....

This pic is of Zak in his hospital bed.....all smiles, but believe me he has been through a large ordeal.....

Peace out - Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

oops! double post...

[mikesmomrs]

It's been a couple of days since I posted, and wow, trying to catch up... A lot happens when just a couple of days are missed...

Bonnie: CONGRATULATIONS to Rich...I can imagine he is so very relieved over having landed a job! What will he be doing? And your new foster child, Daniel...so sweet looking..with you and Rich he will know love and comfort and acceptance. Holding you close as the days bring you closer to Jason's birthday.

Lorri: I hope Kody gets to keep his job...it just is terrible if he doesn't, and it's okay to SCREAMMMMMMMMM! Rhonda: I am so glad for you that you got to meet with Susan again, and you both are finding in each other someone who understands and is willing to share their feelings, perhaps knowing they will be understood.

JJ: I don't think I've had the chance to welcome you to BI...I wish that you never had to hear of such a place, but you will find it is a place of comfort, understanding and support...I am so very sorry about the loss of your beautiful daughter, JANELLE. Her name sounds so beautiful, and I totally understand why, right now, saying it brings tears to your eyes. I lost my only son, Mike, to brain cancer, on Oct 14 of 2006. Everyone here knows and understands, and we would love to hear more about your sweet Janelle when you feel up to it. I am so sorry about the "friend" and her immature postings.

Jenn: I haven't yet extended a welcome to you, either---again, wishing that you didn't have to ever know we even exist, here at BI, but just want you to know that you have found a place of true understanding and support. Please tell us about your beautiful daughter, Bri...we would love to get to know her.

Trud: So glad to hear that Zak is doing okay..what a great picture, and what a wonderful granma he has, though I imagine she is very, very tired, I'm sure...any idea how much longer he will be in the hospital? I read about the kangaroo...I am so glad you were able to avoid such a potentially terrible accident.

Dee: I loved your story of Eri's footsteps and that you are able to stand there now and feel close to her...such a great thing for you to be able to do. How did the workshop go? How many people are usually in them? I know that you said that you were nervous, and I would think that would be normal, but you have nothing to worry about, my friend, you are excellent at what you do. Kathy: I am so glad you are getting so much done so quickly...you will be so rewarded when you move into a home that has been prepared by yourself, just the way you wanted...

Leah: I am glad you were able to get to the cemetery to visit, though it must have been difficult---especially with all that you are carrying around in your mind and heart, as well as on your shoulders, and JaBoa's angelversary coming up soon. Colleen: I agree, it sounds as though the pumpkins came out just great, and Trevor is learning that life can indeed be good... I'm sorry I missed your call the other day...Susannah: Good luck with your test results...did I miss a post on something wrong? As always, you are in my thoughts as you move through this up and down journey. Any more info on Amanda? Elaine: Glad to hear that Michael is healing...good luck with your studies. Good to hear from you.

Well, our company has come and gone, and we had a really good visit. Ralph's older niece, Betty turned out to be so very, very nice...she told me she has "mellowed" very much and it showed! She and her younger sister, Sissie, and I had a really nice time...the three of us went out to lunch, and chatted and laughed and they even talked about Mike...All of us went out for lunch and dinner on Friday, after doing some sightseeing in the afternoon. They had arrived late Wed, very tired, but we all fought sleep as we talked a lot, into the wee hours. At one point, we talked about the girls' mother, Louise, who they lost to cancer just a few months before Mike died and they still miss her terribly. They saw things around the house and asked many questions about them, i.e., the dish of 1975 pennies with all the little notes in with them recording the details of when they were found. When we went out, of course Ralph and I still did the "punch buggy" thing, and they asked about that.... then started looking for yellow and red ones! Along with looking at lots of family pics from over the years, they also saw the photo album that Cathi made for me for Mother's day, that has the many pictures of the hearts that we've seen and taken pictures of. When they read Cathi's inscription to me in the album, they asked what the album was all about. I told them that when we see hearts in different shapes and places, we just feel a little closer to Mike, and that there have been many situations when we've seen them where the word "coincidence" just could not apply. I got some mildly questioning looks, but nothing was said. Over the couple of days they were here, though, they saw and heard much...asked us about some of the other signs that we've seen, etc., and Betty shared with me that she truly believes that her mom "visits" her often...she will wake up in the night, and feel a pressure on the bed beside her, and she feels comfort, and senses it is her mother "visiting." She said she also feels a "connection" sometimes during the day...just a feeling, but a warm, comforting one, that she wasn't alone at that moment. It felt so good to be able to sit down with "family" and offer comfort to each other over our losses, and to share the memories of those loved ones and the joy they brought to our lives during their days here with us. To be able to just "talk" about Mike and his life...they all knew Mike, as he had spent time visiting them over the summer a couple of times when he was a teenager. But, they didn't know him as a grown-up, so they wanted to know about his grown-up life. Thursday we spent most of the day "touring," at one point visiting a beautiful lighthouse just over the state line that sits out on a tiny island, surrounded by huge rocks and pounding surf. On Friday morning, we all sat in our dining room, again sharing stories and reminiscing, all morning, til well past noon, and then went for a late lunch at a lobster house next to the ocean. I got my salad at the salad bar and when I sat down, I picked up a cube of cheese from my plate to pop in my mouth. On the side of the cube was a tiny hole...in the wondrous shape of a heart! Betty saw it, and she said "Sissie, (her sister) look at this...this is just so awesome." Late Friday afternoon, they wanted to visit Mike's memorial site, and so the three of us, along with Cathi and Jamie who had come by to say hello, went up there. (Ralph and his brother had gone earlier in the day.) We were all standing there talking about the carvings on the stone, the decorations, and of course, Mike, and Sissie started taking pictures. Sissie had a small "tie tac" type of pin, that is the word "Mississippi" (where they live) and she fastened it to the threads connecting the beadwork piece that Kim had made for Mike. Then she took a picture of the decorations and then she wanted another picture of them from a different angle... I thought she was going to pass out when she looked at that second one after she saved it. This is it:

then, while we explained the meaning of the items on his stone, she took this one:

Jamie sat down on the bench and she turned and snapped his picture:

These pics were all taken within moments of each other, just at dusk...there had been no sun all afternoon and none when these were taken...we were all speechless. She has many pictures from this trip on her SD card, and all have been just fine. Surprisingly, Jamie was not concerned at all...he took it all in stride. I was a bit afraid that it might bother him, because of all the anxiety he's had lately, but then I remembered that he's the one who told his Papa at Mike's services "I can't sit there next to you, Papa---Mike's there. I'll sit over here, on the other side of him." Sissie wanted us to have copies of these pics, so she went to the drugstore and had some developed instead of waiting til she got home.

So, our visit was great; I really enjoyed getting to know Ralph's nieces a little better, and along with that, Ralph and I finally got to talk about Mike with family who were more than willing to listen and who responded in kindness and comfort...no "throat-clearing," blank stares, etc. they asked many questions, and it was very comforting to know they were being asked because they really wanted to know the answers. It was nice to be able to offer comfort to them, also, as they reminisced about their mom and how much they loved her and missed her. Much laughing was also shared over the couple of days they were here, and much "connecting."

Well, I have certainly rambled enough...just wanted to post and say hello and tell about our visitors, but as usual, much more came out.

sending love and peace and many prayers to all of my Indigo friends: Sonya---so nice to see Danielle's beautiful face, and sending hugs to comfort you. I am so very sorry that you are down right now. Dan---how is the grass and landscaping at Nick's memorial site coming along---is the grass growing? Carrie: good to hear from you... Greg---I hope you are able to get in at least one day of "fall fishing." I am sure Brianna does, also! By the way, our company LOVED the memorial sticker you made for Mike that is on our van and send blessings to you for being so kind... Betsy: Still praying for your decision that you are thinking of re the report about Rich. Holding you close... Karen: Sending out hugs and good thoughts to you, also. Marcia: how are you doing? Been thinking of you. Betty: I know you are feeling the need right now to be "still," and just want you to know that I think of you and hold you close in prayer as you travel this bumpy road. Sherry: I loved the pics...hollyhocks are a favorite of mine, but can't seem to keep the deer away from them, even with "deer off" which keeps them away from everything else! You are in my heart as you feel the absence of your dear daughter Lisa more keenly...Crystal: So very sorry about Isabella and send strength and comfort to you...I didn't realize either that you had this second tragedy of losing your precious baby, and offer my prayers to you over your losses...Ashlee is guiding your sweet Isabella, surely...

I hope you all have a good Sunday...Kameron is here spending the night and will be up bright and early, no matter what time I finally fall asleep!

carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Wow! Love the pics and the story behind them with Sissie. Reading that makes not being able to sleep worth it! I'm sure it's nothing to be too concerned about, as far as my health goes. Hell, I've put this body through a lot....it's a tough, although saggy, "earth machine". I have had some irregular bleeding so the doctor just wanted to do a biopsy of my uterus to eliminate all the "bad stuff" and just chalk it up to perimenopause. "When are you going to go through menopause, Susannah!?" my doc asked in frustration during this last visit. "Well, I was hoping you might be able to me..." we laughed. I've been on this bumpy roller coaster ride with my female parts for years! We'll have the biopsy results back in a couple of days.

Rhonda - We were home before 9. (chuckle) This Thursday we're not even leaving the house to GO out until 9! Bet we still make curfew... Isn't it 11?

Well......a kind of cool thing happened tonight (last night) I'm the only one who saw it, though. Gary and his daughter were working on her truck. At about 8pm I went out to see how things were going. We couldn't see any stars because of all the clouds, but there were a few breaks (in the clouds) that allowed the moonlight to shine through. Gary's daughter did turn to see what I was looking at but they just carried on their conversation normally. I could be grasping at straws, but there in the sky was what looked like a backward STE. Only the S was backward. It took my breath away for a second. I didn't take my gaze off of it until the clouds dispersed and ruined the letters.

Here's the thing. Before Stephanie died I never saw stuff like I do now. I never saw clouds shaped like hearts or letters or what looks like angels. Never. And, I'm a head in the clouds kind of lady. I mean, I believe in all that stuff. Before she died I did, anyway. Now, I'm not so sure but I actually SEE that stuff all the time. My thinking is if it's from Steph the wind shouldn't be able to blow it away. And, if there are really hearts and angels that should also apply for them. I guess I'm still waiting on the orange.

I just think if I have a gift....if I've ever had a gift, my daughter could take five minutes and show herself and sit and talk to me!! Woman to woman...or child to mother. Enough of these signs. I want the real thing. If my options are signs or nothing I'll take the signs................but, I'm just sayin'!

I'll check back later...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom..

PS - Carol, you asked about Amanda. After all the tests and xrays were completed, the doctor's concluded Amanda is not a good candidate for surgery. Much to my relief they have decided to leave her kidneys and urinary tract alone. There is no medical/scientific reason why her kidneys and bladder function. They have decided not to mess with "God's work". One of the surgeons called her a walking miracle. he said he has never seen anyone with all the things wrong with them that Amanda has live past 5 yrs old. I think what happened is Amanda wants so desperately to be physically "normal" that she made the announcement they could fix her by such and such a date from just talking to the pain specialist. She was disappointed in the outcome of the surgeons decisions. I understand her desire to have as normal a body as she can...painfree....but, that's just not realistic in her case. I am relieved the doctors made the decision they made. However, they have told Amanda they will revisit the possibility of an intestinal transplant later. I'm not sure if Amanda forced them into saying that because she refuses to give up hope that she is a candidate or if there is really hope. We'll just have to wait and see. Thank you for asking.

[shorty16]

Kathy said: Yes, the Thank you notes - you know my mother-in-law called me after about 2 weeks and told me "you really need to get those thank you cards out as people are wondering where they are" - I was beyond words.....OMG - This statement belongs in our book "Oh No You Didn't Just Say That"

If I ever have time, I am going to review all the posts and put this book together.

When we went to "The Mechanical Kids" party, they introduced us a Brian's Mom and Dad. Some did not even use our names. It seems my life is defined by my worst day. - I am going to work to change that. I want to remember the 16 years Brian was alive, not the one day he died.

Love to all

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

When my kids were teenagers all their friends called me Mom. One time I was at a function with them and a few of the girls went to introduce me to someone and they each looked embarrassed as they realized they didn't know my name. "We just call her Mom." I loved it.

I know that's not what you're talking about, Colleen, but that's what came to mind.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

NO KODY WAS FIRED...(HE WILL FIND SOMETHING ELSE)...LIKE SOMEONE SAID THEY SHOULD BE SPONCERING HIM STEAD OF FIRING HIM....

WE RACE TODAY AT 3 CUZ IT RAINED YEST...SO WISH US LUCK....

I DIDNT SCREAM SURE WANT TO THOUGH....

[ericasmom]

Col, I guess being introduced as Eri's Mom makes me smile, I am Eri and Jon's Mom, the best job I ever had, not defined by the loss but by the joy of knowing them.

Lor, sorry about Kody's job, sickens me to think someone treated my little Kod that way. Good luck on the track.

Trud, no better news than to know that your Grandson is well again, and that photo? So cute.

Carol, I knew you were busy with company, but oh, how warm my heart feels at the lovely visit you enjoyed with them. How very nurtured all of your hearts must feel to have shared the intimate details of Mike's life, and the loss of Mike. Wonderful for everyone, a win/win.

The workshop went really nicely. I had 17 folks and we all had a great time. Two of those that came were repeaters from last year, I felt so honored, and the critique sheets were all very positive. One guy, he was a tower of a man, says, " oh man I love this workshop" He really was able to read his work bravely, opening the door for others less sure of themselves, it was good. ERi blessed me there for sure. Thanks so much for your suupport of the writing, I read your responses to my class explaining who you are and never naming you, there were tears when I read your work, you in fact were there with us, and your words inspired the writing yesterday. Keep writing.

I am sickened right now, so sad because at Northern Illinois University, only an hour away in DeKalb Illinois, a young freshman went missing 10 days ago, human remains were found yesterday in the park,( a park I walked in many times when I was dating a man in that town years ago). I am so sad for her family, for the hope that has been dashed because some sick friggin-pig preys on others. I am feeling this one so deeply, just sad and confused about the human condition sometimes. My niece went to that college, graduated in May of this year and was in the lecture hall when the shooter shot up the place several years ago on Valentines Day. Too many people that are unable to control their hatred or anger and again, I do believe these are folks that slipped through the cracks. Sorry to be a downer, just grieving for another loss. HOpe they catch who did this.

[shorty16]

Dee and Sus

Wow, What a great way to look at being called Brian's Mom and Dad instead of our given names.

Thanks

Colleen

[daveydow1]

Colleen---It sounds like Trevor had a ball carving pumpkins...even though he had a minor cut. I bet he

liked seeing his handiwork glowing happily outside.

Dee----The hollyhocks were so nice this year. About my weekend....Sat. I was in bed most of the day.

Don't know what the problem was, other than a backache, but just felt ....blah. As the day wore on,

I felt better, though, so it passed. I have taken lots of pics of the vegetables, grapes, etc. from our

garden/yard, and have made a new photo album of our first year at our place in the country. Just

had to use my new digital camera.......trial and error, though. There was no paper owners manual

with it. You have to go to their website (Olympus) and look up instructions on use, features, etc.

Of course it is not practical.......to carry a computer around when outside or in the field. The site said you can buy a printed manual for $10. So, it's trial & error for me. I just delete the bad pics. Great

weather here for the next few days, but maybe a bit of rain. Good luck at the writer's workshop.

Carol----Glad that your visit with your company was so nice. Love the pics of the headstone. Thanks for your kind words friend. The hollyhocks outdid themselves .....blooming like crazy. We will plant

them again next year since they are supposed to be biennial flowers.

PEACE TO ALL HERE AT BI.........ESPECIALLY FRIENDS NEW TO THE SITE.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Hi Betty------I hope you can post soon......I missed you.

[ericasmom]

Okay what a huge funk I hit today, I told my husband taht I was like a stalled funnel cloud, unable to stop swriling. I just really got obsessive with young girl, I somehow feel connected, and I am thrown for a loop by her death. I just can't stop thinking about her, can't let it go at all. I have not had a crash like this in some time, it all of course winds back to my own loss, my Girl gone, and this little girl-gone just has hold of me. I wept today, took several walks, and while these pressure releases help, I am in a FUNK!

Sherry glad that you are well, just blah is par for the course for us some days, when grief grabs hold or dates fly past, when seasons change and holidays are on the horizon, we find ourselves constantly adjusting so that we can maintain. Most times I feel that ai do well, more than maintain, that I really enjoy life, but I am struggling right now. I hope that I will find the treasure of understanding while deep in these catacombs I have sunk to today. I know that there is much to learn when the pits are where I find myself.

[ericasmom]

One of my favorite bands, Poi Dog Pondering, singing and performing, Catacombs

[mikesmum]

Carol - My heart skipped a beat when I opened your pics. Not just an orb sitting there, but a "Mike" moving about as if to say, hey I'm here too. I am so glad you got to have such a great visit with your family. The notes with the pennies, the album of hearts, so special.

Dee - The heart is heavy knowing another young person has lost their life. Knowing the place where they are found somehow brings it closer to home.

Colleen - For all my kids school lives I was known as Micheal, Melissa and Stevens mum. I joined a 'mums' basketball team and we all laughed when we realised none of us actually knew each others first names! Like Dee being called Mikes mum warms my heart, hence when I joined I signed on as "mikesmum".

The lady across from us had been ill for some time with breast cancer. Mal had been to her a few times. She didn't want to go to hospital, just wanted to be home. Yesterday the ambulance was out front. She had passed quietly in her sleep. That's how I thought it should be, quietly home in your bed, tucked up waiting on an angel......

Its a beautiful spring day here. Muttley is up for his walk and I'm in need of some fresh air and sunshine. Not back to the beach till later in the week. Hopefully Zak will be home by Tues or Wed..

Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trud a warm autumn day with the sugar maples exploding with color so deep adn gorgeous, and me so blue today. Thanks so much for your words, I forget how low I can get sometimes.

Go for a nice walk spring girl.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: We have that same gorgeous burst of yellows and oranges here, all of a sudden, just yesterday and today they are everywhere...so awesome. I am glad you are surrounded with glorious colors to embrace you. Perhaps they will infuse some brightness into your heart.

I am so sorry that you have found that pit that lurks for us, just waiting to pounce, and so sorry for the family that lost the young girl. My heart is with them, and with you, and prayers for all being sent with each breath. Take care, sweet lady...reach out, your angel's hand is waiting to pull you back to your feet...she is right by your side---whenever you are ready.

sending love and peaceful moments.

Carol mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Carol - WOW....love it

Dee - another life taken too soon and at the hands of a monster - I, along with you, are sickened at the thought of the evil that walks among us.. I pray for her family. I pray for you...

Lorri - sorry they fired Kody......as all keep telling me "one door closes and another opens" - so we have to go forward believing.

OH YES "the OH NO you didn't just say that" - you could certainly write a book about that one !! Let me know as I have many I can give you....

Well - another day of painting - I think I am getting tired of saying that word.... But, got both of Tavian's rooms done and now on to the hall, bath, master bedroom and office - YIKES....I will be an expert by the time I am done. Barry put recessed lights in the kitchen and they look great....much more light.

Today I am 54 years old and my hubby forgot it was my birthday !! His mom called me to wish me a happy and then she talked to him and he did not realize it was on speaker phone and I heard her say "what did you get Kathy for her birthday" and he said "Oh no" and she replied "you forgot ?? you better figure this one out" - then he realized I was standing there (making chili) and he just looked at me. He said he was sorry and asked if I was mad at him and I said no, we have been so busy with everything it is ok. When actually, yeah I am upset.....this is my special day like Jessica always said "your birthday is your day and it's all about you" But I will get over it and not say anything to him as he has been working so hard on the house......but he better make up for it next year....

Peace, love and strength to all - Kathy

[kmb22]

Edit

[quellsmom]

I come here and feel guilty for venting, not yet able to focus enough to keep all of your stories together. I am sure with time I will be able to help more than I soak up the help. I move through the world still not knowing WHY. How long does it take to do the report? It has been so long and only getting harder. A woman new to my job was admiring pictures in my office of my children, then she says "How about the lady here whos kid got drunk and died, so sad" I froze. These are the impossible moments. My son Jaquell was a beautiful handsome boy that worked two jobs to save for college,watched his five year old brother everyday so I could work, who helped anyone and everyone, played guitar, wrote poetry, called his mother his best friend, volunteered, made more of an impact in those that knew him in 19 yrs than most of us will make in a lifetime and that's how his story ends??? That is how people talk of him?? Cruel .....

[ericasmom]

Happy Birthday Sweet Kathy, and while Husband let it go by, I know he didn't mean to. With all you three are doing to get moved, I am sure that most folks would also forget birthdays and more. But it is your special day, and I hope it was a good one despite the absent of gift...

I am old enough to be your Irish Twin by the way, 54.6 years.

Shawn's Mom, good to see you back, you too Quells Mom. Shawn's Mom, I am so glad that you were able to have such a good talk with Shawn's mil. That alone must have felt like a weight lifted. I wish you some peace. Sorry Quells Mom, that some people are able to sum up the lives of our Babies in so crass and heartless a way. I sure would like to give her a sense of what is proper.Did you set her straight? Did she pee her pants?

I wish everyone peace, everyone here and beyond. Peace and a knowing that we will carry our Babies for all of time, and they will always be our Babies.

[Guest msnher]

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Kathy..........Happy birthday to you!!!!!

About two months ago a friend of Steph's introduced me to his girlfriend as Stephanie's mom. She looked confused as to whom Stephanie was and he said...."the picture of the woman above my sink. We were just talking about her today!" I was so grateful. I had forgotten about that until today.

Peace!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Dee - did you give us another writing assignment? If so, don't repeat it, I'll search and find it. If not....then, I'll wait.

[ericasmom]

No I didn't, but I will if you want, it is just that the other assignments are longer, shall i still? i will later on going for a walk now.

dee

[mikesmum]

Quells mum - Its how those in the outside world speak of our kids without knowing any better. Its another entry in the 'oh no you didn't just say that'. They condence what they think they know from what they thought they heard and then verbalise their take on things. Don't know if its intentional, ignorant or just a lack of knowing, either way its hard to hear.

Quell sounds similar in nature to Mike. He cared for special needs children with his then partner Lauren. Not his chosen profession (he was a chef, but poor health saw him unable to work in that field). His guitar and his music his common language with those he cared for. His death overshadowed so many of the positives that made up the 31yrs of his life. He was my 'gentle soul' son. His compassion empathy and a genuine desire to care for others was amazing.

Karen - I didn't know they sold them as pet either. Possums (the sugar glider family) are native animals and aren't pets here. They are cute, but the downside, they smell and scratch. But cute as buttons. I love the story of the Notebook, cry every time.....but I'm a known sook.

Kathy - Oh well, domestic memory loss aside I'm sure Barry will in someway make it up to you.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Hope you didn't spend all day painting! OMG 54!! I remember being 54 or do I

Saw Zak tonight. Went over his theatre notes with his nurse. I am even more amazed at the strength and courage of this boy. The abcess was extensive and the surgery quite difficult. One very strong young man.....love him to bits.

Well best say good night.....to the ocean tommorrow and its late here.

Take Care my Indigo family......

[shorty16]

Jaquell said:"How about the lady here whos kid got drunk and died, so sad" I froze. These are the impossible moments

OMG - that belongs on the first page of our "Oh No You Didn't Just Say That" book.

Jaquell - My son died while carsurfing - Reckless teenage act that changed my world forever. I tend to relate to those mothers that lost their children due to recklessness. Hard to accept. My guilt is ever-present, but I am starting to get a handle on it.

We want to here about your son.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Kathy

Happy Belly-Button Day.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

I would like another writing assignment, Dee, if it isn't too much trouble.

Glad to hear Zak is on the mend, Trudi. I kept him at the top of my prayer list!

Hubby is taking a sick day today. We always scramble to use up all his benefit days the last couple months of the year. Use it or lose it. Anyway, I'm glad he's home. We are planning on putting in new lenoleom and granite counter top the first week of December, when he takes some of his vacation days. Hurray!!

Colleen - I don't think you mind being known as "Brian's mom". If I understood you correctly you want people to remember him for much more than THAT day. And, again, if I understood correctly, you don't want YOUR life defined by THAT day. I find that enormously encouraging. It would seem that means you are moving out of THAT day and into a better, more peaceful, place of remembering your son....thereby honoring who he was.

I've had a glimpse of that kind of peace, myself, this past weekend.

Oops! I hear my son's akita howling in my backyard. I absolutely love that dog! She is huge!!!!! We fixed the gate that connects our backyard to so she couldn't jump it when we laid sod this summer. Now she jumps two fences to come visit us. She doesn't go anywhere else. Just to our house. When she's done visiting she jumps both fences to go home. Keep in mind this is without our knowing or permission, but it is kind of funny! Last night we thought we lost her. Son and family were away and Nevaeh came for a visit. She was fine so I just let her do her thing. Well, when son got home we couldn't find her! Somehow she had gone back home, opened the garage (it probably wasn't latched) and shut the door behind her. We were yelling and in a panic and my son just happened to catch a glimpse of her happy face as she jumped on the garage door window to watch the commotion.

Later all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[rlolheiser]

Happy Birthday Kathy.. I hope it is a great day... hey... hubby will make it up I am sure... give him a little grief.. but I am sure the day will get back on track.. hugs

[westleysmom]

Quell's Mom-I'm so sorry that lady hurt you like that. People don't think much before talking sometimes. My son Westley had a couple of beers and took something for pain and laid down on his friend's couch to sleep and died. She tried to wake him the next morning because he had to leave for work around 6 am and she couldn't wake him. I cannot make sense of it even 9 months later. I don't think I ever will. I know there would not be a way for him to be gone that would have made sense to me, but people do stuff like that all the time and don't freaking die.

Trudi-I'm so glad I know somebody whose having spring! I used to like fall more, but now I find that no matter what time of year it is, I think I'd be happier if it was a different time. I've been wrong so far and I don't expect that to change.

Carol-Glad you had a nice visit and loved the pictures.

Dee-Sorry to see you here in the abyss. I'm glad the workshop went well, though. I hope they find whoever is responsible for the young lady's death.

Kathy-Happy belated Birthday!! My cable was out last night after a long busy day (more about that later) so I didn't get to tell you on the day.

Susan and I had a nice day shopping Saturday and ate lunch and just bummed around. I hope we will be able to make it a habit to see each other every so often. Before when the boys were alive, it was hard to get away even for a little while, there was so much time spent trying to keep them between the lines. I guess now we don't have that to do anymore. I wish we did.

So we had Homecoming at our church yesterday. Very emotional day anyway, have to cook food for potluck and see people that you don't normally see. Then a few minutes at the cemetery, since its close to the church. Then back to the church for our annual conference electing leadership for the next year. So far, so good, you say. The lady in charge of the meeting is not familiar with our church, she's new, kind of a supervisor over several churches. She told the story of the woman whose son died and Jesus raised him from the dead BECAUSE HE LOVED HER. Near the end of the meeting, there is a list read of people who are being removed from the church rolls for whatever reason (moved away, etc) and it is the list from last year. But then, the list from this year is read and the only people on it are people who have passed away, three old people and Westley, who died earliest in the year. She begins with the most recently deceased, who is at the top of the list. She asks if anyone has any memories of this lady that they want to share, and I see where this is going. I had been to the cemetery, so used up all my handy kleenexes there and I'm sitting on the second row from the front. The other people there share about the three old people who passed away for a little while, and then she asks if anyone has any special memories of Westley Wall. By which point, I can't even see or breathe. The lady next to me was his SS teacher and begins to tell funny stories about that and I look at the lady and say "He was my son" and then the tears really start to roll. My SIL was there and she said how brokenhearted our whole family was and boys and girls, it was downhill from there, if you can just imagine. The lady in charge is a minister and she asked if they could pray for me and they did. Then I told her I didn't want him with Jesus, I wanted him here. She said I wouldn't be his mama if that wasn't true, but I wanted to press her further and ask her why the hell she supposed Jesus didn't love me and let my son live. But by then I had cried so much, in front of people I don't want to see me cry, that I just let it go and tried to pull myself together. All in all, it was totally a bust of a meeting for me. The people there are mostly distant relatives and they all told me that they prayed for us every day, but didn't know what to say to us, so they don't say anything. I know a lot of you like to talk about your children in person with people who knew them, but I just can't do it yet without completely falling apart. I don't want to fall apart with people watching. My grief is all I have and I don't really want to share it with anyone but my husband mostly and a few close friends. Maybe someday I'll be able to talk about him without tears, but I don't know when that will be. It wasn't yesterday, that's for damn sure.

Colleen,Sherry, JJ, Elaine, Betty, Betsy, Sonya, Dan, Greg, Everybody I didn't mention-Have a good day all and try to stay away from the pit.

[lolynbo]

QUALLS MOM, SHE JUST ONE PERSON...SHES AN IDIOT...WE KNOW HE WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR MORE THEN WHAT SHE SAID...ITS ALREADY FORGOTTEN....HE SOUNDS LIKE THE PERFECT SON....IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, I TOO HAVE LOST MY BFF...KOURTNEY LYNN TO A FN BRAIN TUMOR....SHE HAD JUST GOT MARRIED..AND SHES GONE...IM BROKEN AND EMPTY MOST THE TIME...ITS HARD TO GO ON WITH OUT YOUR HEART...BUT WE HAVE TO LIVE FOR THEM, SOME HOW....

KODY AHHHHHH WELLL HE GOT BLACK FLAGGED LAST NIGHT, HE SORTA RUBBED THIS GUY AND THE GUYS CAR WENT STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR...AND CAME DOWN...NO ONE WAS HURT BUT WE WERE DONE FOR THE NIGHT....KODY WASNT MAD...I THINK HE ENJOYED BEING BLACK FLAGGED....THIS GUY #80 IS ABOUT THAT OLD TOO, HAS RODE HIM FOR 2 SEASONS SO KODY HAD HAD ENOUGH OF IT AND RAMMED HIM....SO WE ARE FINALLY DONE WITH RACING SEASON...SO I CAN GET MY BOYS BACK FOR A BIT AND THINGS FIXED AROUND THE HOUSE...

I DID GET BE WITH BRENT LAST NIGHT WE ENJOYED HAVING HIM IN THE GROUP AGAIN WITH US...(HIS WIFE WAS IN OKC WITH HER FAMILY)...BUT BELIEVE IT OR NOT SHE ACTUALLY CAME UP AND CHATTED WITH BROOKE AND I FRIDAY NIGHT...(QUALLS MOM, THIS IS KOURTNEYS HUSBAND IM TALKING AOBUT AND HIS NEW WIFE)....

KATHY IM SORRY HE FORGOT UR BDAY...THAT SUX....IT IS ALL ABOUT US...LORRIPALOOSA STARTS MID AUGUST AND ENDS MID OCT....LOL

TODAY OUR SWEET BROOKE IS 18, KODY IS GIVING HER A PROMISE RING/FRIENDSHIP/PURITY RING TONIGHT......SHE IS GOING TO LOVE IT...

DEE, IM SORRY TOO THAT YOUR HAVING A RUFF TIME...YOUR ALWAYS SO STRONG AND WISE...BUT WE DONT EXPECT YOU TO BE ALL THE TIME...WE HOPE WE CAN HELP YOU AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE US...

MONTY DID STICKERS FOR THE LADY THAT HAS LOST HER 2ND DAUGHER TO A CAR WRECK..(BOTH HER KIDS ARE NOW GONE DUE TO WRECKS).HE SAID THEY CRIED AND HUGGED...AND SHE SAID SOMEONE ACTUALLY CAME UP TO HER AND SAID "ARENT YOU THE MOTHER OF THE GIRL THAT WAS KILLED WHILE TEXTING"....THE PHONE WAS FOUND IN THE GIRLS PURSE...SHE WASNT TEXTNG...HOW ARE PPL SO CRUEL AND STUPID AND LIVING IN OUR WORLD???.

[westleysmom]

Lorri-No wonder you get so much attention, you have your own event! I'm sorry about Kody's job. Glad you got to see Brent for a little. I can't imagine how hard that whole situation is for you. Yes people say the stupidest things, to paraphrase Art Linkletter. So sorry about the lady who lost both her kids. I did scream a little last night, it seemed to help for just a second or two. Good luck to Kody on finding a job and with Brooke.

[rlolheiser]

Just time for sharing,

I am trying so hard not to complain and cry.. although I do.

I think about my JaBoa, and I try so hard to remember everything about her. I am so frightened because I have a memory problem as it is. I have forgotten many things and I fight to hold on to my memories, especially about JaBoa.

I remember coming back to visit her gravesite and finding a plain windchime that somebody had placed on the tree next to her, it stated "I didn't know you, but when I saw you, you made me smile" I think about all the lives she touched and didn't even know it. I see the young people she grew up with that will still talk about her and visit her grave, placeing little trinkets..I treasure knowing this. I long for somebody to talk about her with here. It seems the older people just don't want to talk.. my relatives.. nobody. I miss my girl.. I miss that I don't get to see her grow up.. and yes I know I get to see other grands grow.. I still miss her and her unique personality.. her pure love and laughter..

Dee.. I hope you are doing better, I think of you often and all the joys you bring the children you teach.

Carol, Kathy, Susannah.. Rhonda.. Sherry, Coleen, Betsy, Betty.. Elaine.. our new memebers.. and all the names that are fleeting my memory right now... I wish you peace

[Guest msnher]

Rambling/pondering.....

When I was a young child I played with a little boy down the street (whose name leaves me in my old age). He died in a fire. I've never forgotten him. Never. Odd, his sister's name is clear as day, but his name escapes me at the moment....

One of my best friend's from high school died in an auto accident about 34 yrs ago. I still "talk" to Rita quite often.

An acquaintance from work died of cancer at the age of 17 (I was the same age). Richard's name is alive and well in my heart.

There have been many other deaths in my life, all close family members. Some died violent deaths.....murder, suicide, accidents etc. You name it, we got it. (warped sense of humor showing...sorry)

Anyway....While in my 30's I was quite suicidal and made several attempts. Usually a drug overdose. One time, I had enough booze and drugs (legal drugs taken illegally) to kill a dozen people. Indeed, a friend of mine had just died from the same drug with a much lower dosage and no booze just a few months prior, and I woke up the next morning. I wasn't sure if I was dead or not so I slugged my husband who was sleeping next to me. I figured if I were dead he wouldn't feel it. He said, "Ouch!" I said, "S.....!"

My last suicide attempt was about 8 yrs ago. I took a full bottle of xanax and duct taped a plastic bag over my head. Something happened. I don't know if I can explain it adequately. Everything went black, but I was still conscious. It probably only took about a second, but seemed longer...... It happened all at once. I saw it all at the same time, yet each was very clear. I was given a vision of each of my children receiving the news of my death and their reactions and how it would impact their lives. I was given a choice to proceed or not. The choice I made is evident.

I madly tore a hole in the plastic bag so I could breath and sobbed. Still drugged and completely devastated by the person I called myself, I drove to my best friend's house who happened to be my OBGYN's wife. Of course, he wanted to admit me immediately, but I refused, begging him to not "turn me in". They kept me at their house under their professional MD eye until I recovered. At that point, being depressed was a step up.

Anyway, again, the day after that incident........at my friend's house......she was given the news her cancer had returned and was told she had six months left to live. It was so ironic. I, who wanted to die so desperately, was forced to live and she, who wanted to live and loved life, was dead within the year. I promised her I would never try to kill myself again and that I would live my life to the fullest...

I guess my point is, if there is a point, maybe, just maybe there is a higher purpose than what we are able to understand. Maybe leaving this earth IS the miracle.

I don't know. I do know that I suffered (as many others have) terrible abuse as a child. I know that I lived through some of the things other children died from. I was molested/raped by family members (my father) many times. I only told when a stranger did it. That's when my sister's and I were removed and put in foster homes for the next 8 yrs. Anyway, the stranger that molested me was put in prison and when he got out (they always let them out!) raped and killed a little girl. Why did I live?

Also, the boy who died in the fire....jenabell's brother..... Our house caught on fire when I was 2 or younger. My crazy mother left her small children in the burning house and went running down the street, screaming, "My house is on fire!" My sisters all got out and then realized their baby sister was still in there. My 6 yr old sister ran INTO the burning house and got me. Why did we live and not my friend?

Gosh! I didn't know how to swim as a child. Before foster homes another little friend and I used to climb into the towns water tower and climb around the 9inch ledge. That's where we hid. His homelife wasn't much better than mine. We never fell in.

I have no answers. I just know I'm supposed to be here...in this life, right now. I've SEEN angels. I've seen a lot of things. I've heard a lot of things. I've been blessed, or cursed, to experience things that give me the label "kook". Yet, none of it............absolutely none of it mattered when my child died.

It is my uneducated guess that grief is a spiritual law we have to walk through. I don't think our child died because God/Jesus (or whatever name you give him or her) took our children because he/she is mad at us. I don't think he/she was mad at them. It just is. But, it's not all there is. This I know. This I've experienced. In the darkest hour of my grief I chose to ignore all the experiences I have had because the loss and pain was too intense............but, the fact is..........I've had unequivocal experiences that prove this life is not all there is.

Done rambling...

It's raining, snowing and hailing here. Kind of awesome.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[krichie]

Sorry have not been on and keeping up with you all. Just going thru the motions of living. The family has the cold so we have taken turns being sick, it is now my turn and I hate it- not so much the sick but laying in bed just makes you have more time to think and relive things. You can't get up and be busy to distract yourself.

I grieve everyday but somedays there are moments where I just don't feel like I have any emotions at all. I am just in limbo waiting for my heart to start beating again.

I hear some of you are moving to new houses, new locations, new leisure activities, new family members and it all sounds great and scary, but it sounds like life. I am still staying up to late so I can fall into an exhausted sleep, getting up and going to the same work and getting home to start it all over again. Routine routine routine. But that is me and who I was and am.

I was watching a special the other day on discovery of how people fell from great heights like airplane crashes and tall buildings- they should not of lived but modern medicine saved them and they have gone on to live their dreams and I think Richie was thrown from a bike and modern technology could not save him,70 feet compared to hundreds of feet or yards- alot of our children were involved in sensless avoidable acidents but modern technology did not saved them how unfair that even technology picks and chooses who lives and who dies. I know that does not make sense but niot much in my life makes sence anymore. I get up and eat, work and sleep and my son is not here except in my heart and memories. I look at his little girl as she forgets him and want to scream to her and to the world that he was and would of been the best damn dad ever and he has a right to see her taking those first in her life.

She threw a message in a bottle out in the ocean for his angelversary and she really still does not understand where he is and why he is not here.

Seems like when I do get on and post I am a little over dramatic. I just need to let off some steam and breathe a little.

I think of you all thru out the week and say i AM GOING TO GET ON AND BE ENCOURAGING and sympathetic but then I get on and my pain just comes out.

I hope you all are still taking new steps each day, and that the pain is dulling. I think some days it is dull for me and I am mending but you all know the next day can be totally diffrent.

Take care and I will try to post when I am in a more positive frame of mind. I have given up trying to catch up on all the new things on this site. I will just try to stay current from today on lol

[daniellemom]

Dee - My prayers are with you as you are sadden over this young girl's life. Sometimes I feel like being sad is part of life and shows that we still have a heart and can feel. Sometimes I think a lot of people don't have a heart and if it's not about them then it doesn't effect them, so feel sad my big sis you have such a big heart! love ya more than you will ever know.

Sus - After that post, I'm sure you are alive to take care of those 3 wonderful children od Steph!

KRichie - Sorry you are down with a cold. Feel better soon.

Rhonda - Sorry about the church deal and the way you felt. I can so understand not being able to talk about Wesley yet but it will come when someone speaks his name and a tear will be in your eye and a smile on your face to be able to speak of him and your memories with make you laugh. This takes time so don't beat yourself up over not being able to talk about him with others yet.

Kathy - Sorry about your birthday but HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!

Lorri - I hope Kody finds a job soon.

Rlolheiser - Cry it's healing for the soul!

Coleen - How's the boys doing.

Thinking of you all!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)