Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Rambling:

As I sit in the soft, mauve rocker I bought at a second had store for $20.00 when Stephanie was pregnant with my first grandchild, I marvel at the emptiness I have become. The silent screams of grief echo in every fiber of my being. My golden retriever lets out a deep sigh of boredom as she finally decides on a place to lay down. Not satisfied, she retrieves two of her toys, a tennis ball and round, donut like chew toy. Carrying both in her mouth she paces from room to room, small whimpers coming from her throat, as she discovers each room is empty. There is no one to play with. She makes a second round to be sure. Accepting defeat she heads outside to lay in the sun.

"This must be what it feels like to be a vegetable" I think to myself. I sit here, comfortable in the emptiness of the house, choosing to ignore the chores that have piled up, again. Bills need to be paid, floors need to be swept and mopped, laundry needs folded..........washed, dried and folded again. My dog needs brushed, the sheets on all the beds need changing.

I scold myself for being so lazy and negative. "You're weak" I accuse. "What's your point?" I reply................Having full conversations with myself no longer seems abnormal.

My gaze stops on the curio cabinet where my daughter's ashes are safely stored in the square, gold urn. So small. The urn, I mean. I was surprised by the size of it. At first I accused them of not giving me all of her. I was also surprised at how heavy the urn became once her ashes were put in it.

"What do you plan on doing with it?" The funeral director asked me again.

"I'm keeping her." I say for the umpteenth time.

I carry her to my car, grateful to be alone with her. Carefully I place her in the seat next to me.

Because of the battle we were in over her children and because the state had not finished the investigation and because we were her children's foster family, she had not been allowed on our property for the prior six months. We would find out they (the state) had just approved her for unsupervised visits the day after she died.

Carefully I carry my daughter's ashes into my living room. I sit in my grieving chair, holding her against my stomach, rocking back and forth, as the sobs escape freely. "You're welcome here, now, Baby." I say between sobs. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." My tears create a shine on the gold plated gold urn. My daughter's face smiles up at me. The picture we chose to have etched next to her favorite scripture was taken the day after she returned to Wyoming to reclaim her rightful place in her children's life.

The sound of the dishwasher pulls me back into today. 14 months later. The dishwasher is old and sounds more like an old, Ford truck being forced to start on a cold morning, than cleaning machine for dishes. Shelby, my dog, has found sleep on the hallway floor. All the plans I had for this morning are neatly brushed aside as I realize I need sleep.

Still berating myself for being a prisoner of my grief, I whisper to no one in particular, "I thought it would be better by now. I thought I would be happy again by now." I ask myself if I'm really grieving or have I just become severely lazy. I call myself selfish and self centered. After all, my husband has to go to work every day. I'm sure he gets tired of it. My children, her children, have to go to school every day....why can't I do the simplest of tasks everyday?

The other me, the nice me, reminds me that I do get things done everyday. I do get up, I do feed the children and get them to school with clean clothes and faces. I do the barest essentials. My gaze leaves the curio cabinet that houses the gold box that keeps my daughter's remains safe and moves toward the desk where the bills I must pay are hidden in the pile of papers thrown there in an attempt to make the house look clean when company visits. The dinning room table is still covered with junk removed from the newly painted kitchen that will not be returned to the kitchen. I need to throw them away or put them in the garage. "It will wait". I say. "It will ALL wait."

Sleep. Right now I require sleep.

Thanks for listening.

[westleysmom]

Dear, dear Susannah-My heart breaks as I read the things you say back and forth to yourself. I hear those same words in my head some days. I will work with a frenzy, feeling behind, feeling left behind by life and happiness and Westley. And the next day, or the day after, I'm paralyzed by my sadness, unable to move. Or if I move, its like I'm moving through a mist, like in a dream, not really happening. We're not doing as bad as we think sometimes, and I'm afraid we're not doing as good either. We're just grieving, the best way we know how. You are doing the best you can and if you need sleep, hit the sheets. We're all just doing the best we can and that's all anybody can do.

Dee-I have no idea what I love to do anymore, even after trying to think about it. I love to be with my granddaughter, I guess that's one. And sleep is two. Spend time with my dear, strong husband, three. After that, most everything is what I have to do. Work, laundry, groceries, cook, clean, pay bills. Damn, I'm busy! For sleepwalking, I guess I'm not doing too bad at getting stuff done. But what I love to do, well that is a question that I need to think about long and hard. I did come up with three and that's more than I thought I had at first. I don't want to do before/after like Susannah. I think that will hurt my heart too much.

Crystal, I've been having my own holiday inner struggle. It has been 9 months, but Westley was here last Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. I would like to go to sleep right about now and get up on Groundhog day at the earliest. That will not be an option, so I guess I'll just try to make it through one breath at a time. My granddaughter will help me, I'm sure, but God I miss him. He was my baby and I have a feeling those breaths I take will be hard fought for. You're not alone, though. Everybody here has been through it or will go through it this holiday season. You are in my thoughts.

Oh Karen-I not only find it hard (or pointless) to pray for myself, I find it almost impossible to pray at all. I speak to God at times, but it doesn't take the form of prayer. I'm afraid of praying for the wrong thing, which I feel is what I must have been doing before for things to be so messed up. I feel like God doesn't love me anymore and so probably isn't listening anyway. It wasn't like that before, and maybe it won't always be this way. But that's how it is right now. Did you put the 6 words together as a poem or was that somebody else? It was really pretty, it made me cry, whoever did it.

One of his friends called to talk when I got in from work yesterday. I was really tired because I had to be at a training thing and had to get up extra early. I like to talk to them, but every time I hang up from one of his friends, after they tell me what's going on with them, I'm so angry! Not at them, really. I don't wish it had been one of them instead of him or anything like that. I just wonder how a relatively healthy young almost grown man lay down to sleep and not wake up? How the blue hell does that even happen? On what planet is that something that anyone could see coming? Why do I feel like I should have and because I didn't, I am to blame? Because it has to be somebody's fault, and I'm the most likely candidate. I alternate between angry and devastated most of the time. Sometimes I can not think about it for a little bit, but then it comes back to the surface. I wish I could understand what I'm supposed to get out of this experience. I'm thinking I could have done without it, whatever the hell it is.

[ericasmom]

Sus, lazy? Did you not just paint like a crazy woman? Grief is exhausting, it just is, it takes a great deal of energy to get through what used to be a breeze. Different terms now, give yourself a break please. It isn't lazy to sit in the chair and have a conversation with yourself. It is what is needed, selftalk,and Steph probably loves listening in. Some days are made to be this way, we cannot sustain a high energy for days on end, some days not at all. It is not unusual and please think of what you would say to any one of us if we said this about ourselves.

Ramble on Rhonda, it is the way we get through the hardest of times, it really is productive, it helps, (sometimes) make clear what hasn't been clear. Or it allows you to see what is in the way of your feeling clearly about something. Anyhow, we all ramble here, it is the way I moved my right foot forward, and then the left. It is how we learn to walk and breathe again, to listen to a song or to join a conversation, by rambling when the thoughts come. I went to therapy at around the same time I came to BI, and both places helped me greatly to work through some of the pain, some of the guilt.

Really New Parents, holidays are sacred ground, you need to be able to have the freedom to decide just how much you can do or not do. Our first Christmas found us having Christmas Eve dinner with My Son and Michael, The daddy of my kids. They came over for a meal, quiet meal, and I gave them each a photo album. I bought two really pretty albums and had duplicate photos made from my collection. I put photos in for each of them, it was the only gift I could give them besides a letter explaining how dear each is/was to Erica. I quoted her in each letter from things I remembered. We cried and Michael went home, (2 blocks away) as he was a very private man and it was hard for him to share this time with me and my husband. I am so glad he did.

He died on March 31st,2009, his funeral ending up on what would be Erica's 25th birthday. I miss him, we had grown to be buddies after our hard divorce many years ago. He became sick with leukemia and after 9 months was gone. My Son has been through a lot, and my prayers are constantly surrounding the emotional and physical health of Jon.

[mikesmum]

Morning all from the seaside. I read the postings and find so many reflect my journey. Rhonda, the 'how could a grown man, under the care of..' plagued my thoughts incessantly in those first years. I swung between anger and bewildered perching for long periods of time in the abyss.

As for the holidays, well Mike had been gone almost a year before we hit our first Christmas. I was obsessed with having all my family together. Guess I thought if we were all together Mike would find us. I was like a crazy lady. Cooked to much, talked in rapid nervous spurts trying to 'keep it together'. Didn't work. Half way thru as if someone took my batteries out I fell in a heap. My baby (Steven) just held me as I sobbed so hard it hurt.

Dee - You do challenge, but I love it. Like being in your class from way down here.

I love the responses - makes you think.

My 12

1 Watching sunsets/sunrise- just being

2 Capturing Mother Nature and all her glory on film

3 Listening to my grandies tell their stories (undiluted by life)

4 Creating - by writing, making or doing

5 Seeing my children find their own way

6 Listening to someone who just needs to speak

7 Finding out about something that has always intrigued me

8 Being a positive in someone elses life

9 Walking through amazing landscapes

10 Travelling

11 Being with Muttley ESP Extrodinarily Special Pup

12 Making memories and revisiting memories

Out yesterday, no kangaroos but did capture this little guy making his way out for his morning constitutional.

Peace be with you Indigos....

[daveydow1]

Hello everyone. I am enjoying all of your '6 words', and '12' list of things you like to do.

Susannah----I believe that we all 'talk' to ourselves, and even answer ourselves from time to time. I know I do.

I will ask myself why I don't do more for certain causes, then answer with an excuse. Who knows? I do sometimes

feel like I'm 'stuck' in mud.....not moving, not trying to get out & free myself. And, you are not lazy !!! Painting all

those rooms........that's WORK.....takes a lot of energy to even start it, let alone finish, as you have done.

Rhonda-----Yes, I so know what you mean about so many questions in the mind, and sometimes very few real

answers. This is so early for you..... on this lousy road we're on. The doubt, and blame thing rears its ugly head

often in the early days. I think that dear West is always with you, and we are not to blame for our children's deaths.

We know.......when we 'talk' to ourselves that we would have done anything we could that was humanely possible

to do, to prevent our tragedies. Anyone who could be rightly blamed for our child's death.....if that is the case......would

not be going through the sorrow and agony of grief that we all find ourselves dealing with. Take care, friend.

Kathy-----Good to hear that you are excited about your new place ....with painting, and doing the packing. Good luck.

Dee----You are so right------grieving is exhausting. I guess that's why we sometimes don't want to get out of bed in the

a.m., even after sleeping all night. Sorrow wears you down.

Trudi----Love your 12 list. Just wondering------how's Muttley doing ? You had mentioned previously that he had some

growth or tumor on him that was being checked out by the vet. Hope he's ok. Poor pup.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Here's my 12 list:

1. Take nice walks

2. paint pictures

3. have a bonfire with family

4. play cards

5. read a good book'

6. sew/do needlework

7.pet/groom/ride a horse

8.plant & take care of flowers

9.go places with my husband

10. pray

11.swim

12. go to museums

[mikesmomrs]

Company's on their way, should be here any minute...I actually got the house done, even myself showered and presentable, but by the time I put the towels away, I was ready to go to bed! A meal and a couple of hours later, I feel refreshed, perhaps long enough to spend a bit of time wth them when they get here, before they want to collapse...they have driven over 1500 miiles, with one stop, at one of Ralph's sister's, in Virginia, stayed one night.

I have been reading along, can't do my "12" yet...need to think about it...only have 1 so far, but Trudi's and others have offered some inspiration...helped me to think a bit about some of the things I do that I just "do," and then I think to myself "Well, I do enjoy doing that." I know that one of them is snow tubing with my grandkids, which I didn't get to do last winter...weather just never cooperated at the right time, but this year I will make the effort as soon as we see some white stuff! However, if it snowed tonight, I think I'd have to let these old bones skip it after this past few days.

Damon was here today...we had told Sarah a few weeks ago, that we would pick him up at school on Wednesdays to give her mom and her a break...right now, she and Damon go in the morning, before work/school to pick up her mom. Then Sarah walks Damon to school and goes to work. her mom stays at Sarah's house til 11 am, which is time to pick him up, and she walks over to get him. They have a lovely walk through a beautiful little town and it isn't far, but the driving back and forth (when Sarah gets home, she has to take her mom home), is about 7-8 miles each way, four times a day, plus travel to work...not much, in the scheme of things, but I am sure when winter comes it will seem like a huge trek. anyway, with us picking him up on Wednesday, Sarah doesn't have to go get him, and we bring him home when she gets home. So, today he was here, all of his cuteness, so happy to be here, in fact said "It is amazing to come to his house...I love it!" He was telling me about what they are learning in school---"lively letters." Which, it turns out, he told me eventually, covers the "lower case" letters...something I am sure was never covered in kindergarten when I was there! He was trying to tell me that he learned a new letter "yesterday." Then he looked up again and said, "No, not yesterday." thought for a minute, chin in hand, gears whirring in his mind, and said "It was yesterday's yesterday.!" I am so truly blessed with this truly beautiful child. He did something funny and said "If my daddy were alive now, he would be so laughing at me!" Tears rain down in my heart, but the smile stays on my face.

Oh, Rhonda, (and Crystal and Karen, and Sus, and any other new indigo here that I am not remembering because my brain is exhausted) Dee and others are so right when they say that you are so early in this journey to even begin to expect that you could operate in way that would even seem normal or feel normal. The holidays. Oh, the holidays. Mike died on Oct 14th...I wanted to climb into a closet and not come out. But, his three boys would never have understood that, so Sarah and I and Ralph gave them Christmas...Sarah came over the night before Christmas eve, with Damon, and stayed over. the other boys also came and stayed over...so Christmas morning for them was Christmas eve. At one point, both boys broke down and cried their little hearts out, snuggled in my arms, tears so mingled who knew which ones belonged to who? It was a good cry, in the end, though, as after that, the boys were able to really enjoy the day. Pics of that day are filled with orbs... I got through that day, certainly, with one breath at a time...Christmas...oh, dear God...go away...was all I could think. The going back and forth from feeling sane to feeling as though you are on another planet...so familiar. The sense that there is not much to get out of bed for...every day! I wish we could all hold each other, just for a minute, to feel the strength coming forth...for the ones who are sadly, new to this journey, and for the ones who have been without their child for what seems like forever, and that strength and comfort would soar through our hearts and help us to feel as though we really could make it to the next breath, the next hour, the next day... We all promise those new here, that this will change, that this will never, ever go away, but that it will be softer and less gut-wrenching, less heart and spirit consuming...it takes time, that's the only way...you can't go around it, you have to go through it...and you will, you will. As Dee has said in the past, to many, including myself...we promise.

sending love and peace to each of you tonight, carol mikesmomrs

[summergirl]

Dear Indigo's - Tears tonight as I read the posts....Tears for those so new to this journey, tears for those who are not new yet feel as though they are, tears for those who cannot write a list of 12 because there is no sunshine in their hearts or eyes, tears for those who can write a list of 12 because their suffering has become softer......tears for all of us just because we are here yet happy tears because we are lucky enough to have found each other......

Suz - you should think of writing a book.....you are wonderful and I for one love your rambelings.....

My list of 12 will be tomorrow as tonight I am just too tired to move.....went to the house and completely finished the kitchen and it looks fabulous but my body is weary. I am putting Tavain to bed and saying good night. Prayers and Peace to all, Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Well, this has been quite a week ..... but in a good way.

We have the new foster child who has rocked our world and Rich has a new job! Finally!

On my way to bed exhausted but smiling!

[mikesmum]

Sherry - Muttley is fine. It was a benign growth.

This morning though we had such a scare. The road out of town is long and sweeping. From out of nowhere a large grey kangaroo decided to 'cross the road'. We were travelling at 80kms and we braked really hard.

I usually have Muttley in a harness attached to a seatbelt, not today.

Muttley was thrown forward and hit the dashboard turning on the radio as he landed. Once the dust settled, Muttley okay, Mal and I shaken, Kangaroo gone.

Peacefully fishing this afternoon.......

[westleysmom]

Has anybody ever gone to the chat room?

[ericasmom]

Yikes Trudi, so glad that youare all well. Kangas are like our deer, crossing roads in this season, dangerous. Give Muttley an extra hug.

Carol, have a fabulous time with your company and I wish you good deep sleep. SO glad that you and Ralph had Damon today and each Wednesday. What a treat, for him and for you two, and so nice for his Mama. Enjoy.

Rhonda, I have gone in the chat room but nobody was ever there when I went in so I stopped, in fact forgot all about it until you mentioned it.

Kathy, I agree, the lists have been wonderful, and poignant. You are a good hard working woman with your cleaning and painting, a deep satisfying sleep I hope.

Bonnie, WOW! That is fabulous news, and good sleep to you as well.

Full moon upon us, strong winds and clouds covering so we won't see the comet tonight, not that I would anyhow since I too am quite pooped out.

[kmb22]

Edit.

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmum]

I just heard this quote...thought I'd share.

It has been said "time heals all wounds" I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessons. But it is never gone.

Rose Kennedy

I have heard this before and its so true.

Have just had a call from Steven. Zak has been taken to hospital again. He was still in pain after last week. Now a CT scan now showing a large cyst on his appendix adhered to his bowel. He is scheduled for surgery at midnight. He was discharged last weekend with what they said was gastro. They didn't do any scans so it was missed. AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.

Please keep Zak and his family in your thoughts & prayers as he undergoes surgery.

Back to the hills early tomorrow - Granma needs to she her grandboy.

[carriebear]

Hey Indigos, long time no post... (Thank you Bonnie for your help before so I could still come to read here! Missed you all!

Karen, I read a book by T.J. Wray called Surviving the Death of a Sibling, and I thought it was very well done. As I'm telling you this I'm thinking I definitely should read it again. Thanks for sharing the quote from Rose Kennedy..so true.

Dee, thanks for the assignments...I've been pondering on the 6-word phrase for a few days. Like Susannah said, it changes from day to day/mood to mood, but one I've settled on for now is: Bound by love, death cannot conquer

Time to think on my list now...

Trudi, sending up prayers for Zak's successful surgery & speedy healing. Also I'm glad you all are OK after the kangaroo scare! I have a "deer-magnet" car, scary stuff!!

Bonnie, congrats to Rich on the job and oh what a sweet smile on little Daniel.

On our end, no end in sight still for the legal-wrangling with David's case. We will likely go to trial come spring (we think?).. prayers please for Momma Donna, as we move forward & stand where our David cannot.

I don't like going so long without posting, just limited in my online time for now...but know always that I keep you all & your angels close in thought & prayer each day.

A-16 Indigos

Carrie

[Guest msnher]

Prayers for Zak and all of you, Trudi! How old is Zak? If I have the time change correctly, he is either in surgery right now or just getting out. Please let us know as soon as you're able.

I've never heard the quote before by Rose Kennedy. Thank you for posting it. It's right on.

I have an appt with my OBGYN today. It's just a couple weeks short of a year since I first went to him to get something to help me sleep. It was at the four month mark since Stephanie died and all I did was cry and I couldn't sleep. He diagnosed me as depressed. I argued with him. Kind of funny now. The anti depressants he gave me (new on the market) did wonders immediately. The sleep aid sucked. I threw them out after two nights. Now, all I want to do is sleep. That also means it's been almost a year since I found you all. I began going to counseling, taking meds and joined BI all at the same time. Eventially I'll get off the meds, probably one more year. My counselor has already cut me loose saying, "You're grieving remarkebly well." (whatever the hell that means!). But, I want to stay with you all for a long, long time!

Kathy - When is moving day?

Rhonda - my experience with chat is the same as Dee's.

Karen - I want to add my "love it" to the poem you made out of all our six words.

Thinking of all of you today!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

Hello my Indigo friends,

I had a hard day yesterday thinking of the daughters I lost and wondering why God has allowed such a horrible thing to happen in such a short amount of time. I feel like sometimes I can’t even catch my breath but continue to press into the pain not knowing when I’ll ever feel peace again.

I stayed home yesterday, I was in such physical pain I had trouble standing let alone walking so I worked from home yesterday, I’m glad I did it…. seemed I cried all day missing Ashlee Rose! And God granted me the sight to SEE a necklace Ashlee made me that was attached to my headboard “ I never noticed before” directly over me “until last night” that said I love you Mom.

I thought of Isabella yesterday too why God would let me carry for almost 5 months then allow her to leave me also. When I search my heart I see that Isabella helped me to stay strong for the month after Ashlee’s death. Isabella stopped me from drinking “which my kids hated”, she brought me closer to my children, especially Ashlee because she was excited and so wanted a sister!!!

I try to remind myself every day that God has a purpose for everything we go through and the experiences we have are for his Glory. To be honest it’s hard to believe in something, stay strong and keep the faith when you are hurting so bad and feel so completely empty….

[ericasmom]

Chrystal, hang on, the physical pain and the emotional pain run together, bonded through the tragedy. Staying home soounds like it allowed you to let go of some of the build up. I do believe it is necessary to let it out in order to not get clogged up in grief. It is hard enough to find a day that runs smoothly at all at this time, so letting it out made it so that you did not have to hide your tears. Good.

Trudi, so sorry that Zak has to go through so much, and so angry that they did not scan him to begin with to see what could be troubling a young boy like that. Prayers and more prayers Sweetie.

Sus, one year of Bi,and more to come. I have been here 6.5 years with a break when I could not handle new stories, just couldn't on top of all the local stories sending us to funerals...but I came back for the same reason all of you do, it is where my sisters and brothers are.

Karen, there is a book whose title bothered me but a friend assured me that it was a good solid grief book; Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life.

At first, I felt like, don't tell me what to do, and sure, as if it isn't the ruin of my life, but the stories are from all different kinds of folks that share what it is they did to work through their grief.

I feel that grief is a forever thing, a string that runs through my body that connects my soul/spirit to my heart, it is everpresent, and yet, I do love life, I do cherish each day, because I learned to walk through grief, not around it, not hide from it, but to let my sadness out and in the light of day...see it for what it is, work with it instead of against it.

I learned to enjoy the 15 minutes or so that I could and try to grow it to 20 min. of enjoyment back in those early years of grieving, and how not to feel guilty for enjoying myself. I think the loudest voice in my grief has been Erica. She would kick my butt from here to Hell if I lost my ability to laugh and to take walks and to live...and so I learned and keep learning of ways to live as well as I can, the string of grief is in my everyday, tethered to the event that changed my life, and moving forward.

[daniellemom]

Long time no post right? I'm reading and trying to give incouragement but it's just not in me right now. The 3 year mark has thrown me for a loop. But I'm hanging on for all I'm worth.

Ashlee Mom's I'm so glad you saw the necklace that Ashlee gave you that's was very nice!

Everyone I love the 6 words that everyone has shared so I wanted to put my in. Not very good because I don't have a creative bone in my body.

Living life with you beside me!

The list of things that I like to do.

1. Laugh with Mattie and James

2. Talk about Danielle with anyone who will listen and talk about her too.

3. Dance!

4. Spend time with my brother and sisters

5. Go to church

6. Eat healthy

7. Find something of Danielle's that I was not looking for.

8. Go to the beach!!! I love that one.

9. Read on BI

10. Watching the clouds and finding animals/hearts/objects in them.

11. Sun Rise/Sun Set and Full moons

12. Camp fires

Carol - Hope the visit goes well with Ralphie's family, glad that you got the house all cleaned up

Kathy - When is moving day. I wished I lived close by to come and help.

Dee - Good luck with teaching the writing course.

Betty - Hi!

Sherry - I'm glad to hear that the visit with your son was nice and relaxing!

Sus - After all that painting you should be tired!

Bonnie - I'm glad to hear Rich found and job and you both found Daniel! Great News!!

Colleen - Is your son still grounded?

Thanks to everyone on this site and the people that post each day you give me hope that I will be there again soon!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[rlolheiser]

good morning family

Bonnie, I am so happy things are going well for you, I think of you often.. in awe of what a wonderful woman you are.

Karen, you are going through so many feelings.. my heart hugs you tightly. I wish we could make you see that your worth so much more than you feel right now. I don't know what the future holds for any of us, or why we had to suffer the pain we have.. but somehow I have to believe it is going to be ok..

Dee.. I have enjoyed reading everybody.. and the before and after parts.. they are ever changing. I was just talking with jaBoa's mom yesterday about what we were like.. she became softer, easier for people to walk on her.. and I became harsher.. I don't have time for the stupid people of the world..(which makes me feel bad) I try not to judge, but I do.. it is something I try to change.. but since my loss, I can't stand to see people waste their lives. Thanks for your coments, I worry about my grandson.. these people don't realize my fears with the kids so much online. I watch what he says because he is so suffers a lot of depression, and I have heard so many stories of kids online that give up. I always try to watch what he is going through. I even remind him that I am watching when things get tasteless.. and I tell him and his friends that grandma is watching (which usually gets an apology from all involved)

We have parents teacher conferences next week.. I think the kids are doing ok. This week the teachers are at the teachers convention so statewide kids are out of school.

Coleen, thanks! I enjoyed your list too! I think writing is good, I know it helps me to think out my emotions better.

Sonya, I think you have plenty of creative writing, I always enjoy reading your posts.

Crystal.. how precious a treasure you found in that necklace.. I am so happy for you.

Trudi, thoughts and prayers for Zak and you.

Karen, thank you for your kindness. Yes, I think my grandson is proud of me... but I am proud of him too. He may not use the right words all the time, and I could tell he was mad when the people posting attacked me.. but like I told him... they are ignorant and they probably haven't been through all the pain he has, he has been through a lot..and I am proud of the young man he is becoming.

Carol, I hope you have a great time with your company and all goes well. I will be thinking of you.

Kathy, I hope you get your much needed rest.

Sherry, I agree with you that sorrow wears you down.. all of what you say.. I know I still go through so much of this.. even now as the 30th approaches my heart is breaking all over again and I relive the days before.. the preparation for Halloween.. and the empty hollidays since.

Rhonda, I read about you and prayers.. I guess I do what yo do.. I just talk to God.. and I think of it as prayer.. I never have been good on the thees and stuff.. I just talk to him.. hoping he talks back.. sometimes I hear.. but a lot of time.. it is just silent.. maybe I am just to hard.

Anyway.. everybody is up running around here.. mom is feeling low these days, she found out one of her best friends is dying. I think she has given up her fight.. she told me that everybody she knows is either gone or dying.. she is miserable.. I don't know what to say... I don't know how much to expect her to try to live.. cause I don't know how much is living.

Have a great day.. or as great as possible.. i think of you all .. constantly.. :-)

[westleysmom]

Leah-I'm glad to see you posting. I'm sorry that your Mom appears to be giving up. I want to do that sometimes, life just seems too hard these days. Thinking of you as the 30th gets closer.

Sonya-Danielle's pretty smile always makes me smile back. I think she might be Westley's kind of girl, he never had a girlfriend, I think he was too shy. He was loud sometimes when he talked, but it was to cover up his shyness. I liked your list, I love to look at the sunset and the moon, the sunrise happens too early in the day for me to appreciate that much!

Bonnie-I forgot to say something about Rich's new job. That's wonderful, its so hard on guys especially when they have a hard time finding work. If you've always worked, you feel lost without it. And the picture of your little boy, so cute and sweet that he finally has pjs and breakfasts. I'm sure you'll treat him like your own, a prince. He's a lucky prince, too.

Crystal-When you said you lost Isabella, I didn't entirely understand and then it was the weekend. I am so sorry for your loss and that I didn't acknowledge it sooner. How are you feeling physically? Take care, sweetie. This is such a hard time for you and now its worse. Again, I'm so sorry.

Got to go to a meeting. Take care all.

[ericasmom]

Crystal, I think I am mixed up about the Baby too, perhaps I missed an email. I don't want you to have to rehash it if it is too painful, but I send my deepest hugs for healing. I did know someone a long time ago that lost her 4 year old to brain tumor, and at the time, the woman was pregnant. The pregnancy also saved her from herself, drinking or drugs or just self destructive behaviors in general. Stay with us Kiddo, let us help you stand up each day.

[daveydow1]

Trudi---Oh, so glad to hear that Muttley's tumor was benign, and also, that he and all of you in the car

were not hurt when the kangaroo decided to dart out in front of you. It's coming on deer mating season

here in Nov., so we must be careful because they zoom out onto the roads from nowhere, causing

collisions with them. Sending prayers for Zak. Gosh, I would think that the hospital would have done

those tests the first time he went in.

Carriebear---Prayers for David's mama, Donna, you, and all other family and friends of his.

Crystal---I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. Looking up, and seeing Ashlee's necklace that she

made for you must have been so bittersweet. She's near you always.

Sonya------So nice to see sweet Danielle's smile. I like your 6 words, and the 12 list. I agree....campfires

are great. They're so relaxing just to sit and watch the flames colors, red coals, and the smell of the

wood burning.

Leah------Remembering your dear mom in prayers. I'm sorry she has seemed to give up. Peace be with

you, your mom, and the family.

Dee----I so agree that the grief is like a string that runs through the body, connecting all the parts to the heart,

soul, and mind. After all-------all the body parts need each other to function. So, when grief strikes us, and

becomes an indwelling part of who we are, it too will be with us just as another interconnecting part. Does

this make sense ??

PEACE TO ALL, AND A GOOD NIGHT'S REST TO ALL WHO ARE SO TIRED.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Trudi, my friend down under,

I can totally relate to large animals darting out in front of our moving vehicles. Ours are deer, approx 70-120 lbs. I have never hit a deer, but I have been witness to two deer-truck accidents. Both the deer and the truck lost in both. People were OK.

Also, our dog Copper has a large benign fatty tumor on his belly. Copper is 9 years old now and has had two surgeries - one on each knee. Copper is well-feed also; which does not help his knees.

We are continents away, but so alike.

Your friend, Colleen

[shorty16]

Bonnie

What a great week for you!! A great big congrats to your hubby on his new job. How exciting for him. Also, Daniel sounds like he is a real charmer. How wonderful for your family.

We went to Trevor's teacher conferences last night. He is improving in every class. I am so proud of him. Trevor is really good about taking advise from me. Aaron just rolls his eyes at me. Brian would crack some joke and make us laugh.

Colleen

[summergirl]

Crystal - I am sorry but I too am mixed up about the baby ?? I so wish I could sit with you, have a cup of coffee and just spend hours talking or just sitting quietly. I love that you found the "I love you mom" from your Ashlee, always near you, with you, loving you even though you cannot see her - she surrounds you my friend. It is a long road we walk and as one once said "you will go through many pairs of shoes until the pain begins to lessen a bit" - it will never be gone but it will get softer. One minute at a time is all you can ask of yourself - we are here.

Trudi - praying all is well with Zak !! So glad sweet Muttley is ok - damn those kangaroos !!

When is moving day ?? Well, we hope to be in before Thanksgiving. I have taken tomorrow off so will be able to paint all day..hope to knock out Tavian's bedroom and playroom and get started on the livingroom. Then it is the bathroom, Barry's office and the master bedroom. Then the carpets go down and after that it is moving all or our stuff in... I have alot packed and labeled already. I hope to have everything in order before Christmas. I will take pics of before and after....it is hard to believe what paint can do to a room, the kitchen and dining room look so bright and so big - reminds me of a farm house kitchen - very big. Yes, Tavian is still excited...he told me last night that he wants the walls in his bedroom to be dark blue on the bottom half of the walls for the ocean and light blue on the top for the sky and then he wants those big vinyl stickers of all different kinds of fish so he can put them in the ocean - he is asking alot of me but I think I can pull it off with a bit of thought and some research on-line....wish me luck...

Here is my 12

Raindrop Kisses

Watching Tavian sleep and getting big hugs from him

Reading a great book

Taking nothing and making it into something

Walking and letting my mind wander where it wants to go

Dancing in the livingroom just because I can

Getting soaked by the sunshine

Taking pictures in black and white and seeing them in color

Camping and campfires with friends that love me

Saying Jessica's name and saying it outloud every day

Sharing with my wonderful family on BI

Knowing there will always be a HOLE in my heart but forever grateful that it was WHOLE for 26 years

I love you all and sending virtual hugs to each of you. Peace and love, Kathy

[kmb22]

Edit

[Guest msnher]

Hi Indigo's,

Just checking to see if there was news from Trudi about Zak.

The doctor took a biopsy of my uterus today. Ouch. But, then I'm a baby when it comes to any kind of pain. He'll have the results next week. He's just eliminating the worst possible scenerios first. Procedure. Basically, I'm in perimenopause........which, we already knew...

Rest well, Friends.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[josephsmom90]

Hello everyone!,

Sorry it's been so long. I've only been alittle busy, mainly forgetful. Michael's been sick a lot lately and that throws a wrench in my days. His leg is doing a lot better. It's covered over with skin though you can see a lot of blood near the surface and he has some pain off and on, it is doing very well.

I'm feeling a need/desire to go to Wyoming to Joseph's grave but can't or won't afford it. So I don't know when this will happen. I am due to start a class Monday, a Microsoft Expert series that will give me some much needed job skills for administrative jobs. It is going to primarily be on line. But if I need to I can go to the school in Coeur d' Alene which if 90 min away. That stinks but its the way it is up here. I cannot wait to leave, I am so looking forward to it. Just a little more time, 4 months and with my tax return and money I'm saving we should be fine.

I can't remember if I told you all my bear story or not. Let me know, pretty amazing how this little Beagle saved my life. But in all honesty, I was not afraid, too dumb or what? I dunno, I was on a walk when it happened. I find my walks to be very theraputic! I don't think I could do without them. Maybe this 'down' time is supposed to be for me, a time of quiet mourning maybe? And indeed a time for deep reflection, soul searching, its times like this where I think deep lasting change is made for me.

I do know I do MUCh better when Michael is home vs. tramping off with his father. You guys are still in my prayers.

God bless.

Elaine/Joseph's mom

[jj in florida]

Hello:

I thought I posted my post in "loss of an adult child", but somehow it didn't make it here....so i am just doing a "reply" on the last entry.

I lost my dear daughter on October 4, 2010. She died in a car/train accident. Just numb right now...have had no feelings whatsoever, except I do feel a bit of anger trying to rear its ugly head..

I am up too late...and can't seem to even WANT to think about what happened. All I can say is the accident happened on Oct 2, 2010, she died on October 4. Her birthday was October 18, this past Monday. All that is fact....and that is as far as I can get in my brain. My heart is "peaceful;"...but I know it just isn't feeling anything right now.

I still have a few more "thank-you's" to send out, and then perhaps I may cry again. Haven't really cried since the funeral. Funeral was the 7th. When all this happened, I was literally a basket case....really took a "toll" on me. Then all of a sudden, I have stopped crying.

I think it is because now I am getting angry at her....WHY? because the whole thing was her fault.....she wasn't paying attention, and we think the music was too loud. She did NOT see or hear the train. The train ran right into her, blew it's horn...... She had been living across the street from a railroad track...and they say one "gets use to it"...not hearing the trains. I personally would not ever live that close to a track......but she was living her life. She was the happiest she has ever been....was going to be engaged, we were going to plan the wedding, then this happened.

Hard to believe she is gone. She is dead.......she is dead. She died. She will not ever be on this earth again.

Just can't quite seem to understand that concept ...DEAD. It will "sink in" eventually. I know it will....but for now, I am being "pampered" with not being able to really "think" about it or feel any thing.

Gotta get some sleep.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

JJ in Florida

[josephsmom90]

Hello JJ,

My name is Elaine, and I lost my son in June of 09. He was 19. I so very sorry for your loss! This website has helped me a great deal and contiues to do so. I understand a lot of what you are feeling. I'd say it is 'your' normal now, that is how you feel. You will go up and down and all around! It is a roller coaster, a moment by moment life for a quite some time. I was in a fog for over 7 months. I am without support at least in having anyone near me. It's been hell on earth, something I wish for NO ONE! I, like you, wont get to be at that wedding. Though he was not engaged, but you understand what I mean. I am just so sorry for you. My heart truely goes out to you and your family. I will pray for you as I do for all the Indigo's. God be with you, comfort you, and give you peace.

Elaine

[josephsmom90]

Susananaha,

I can so relate to the peri-menopause! I have got it somewhat leveled out though with progesteron creme. Took about three months but my despondant black holes of despair are not as deep. This was very dangerous for me with the loss of Joseph.

[Guest msnher]

Dearest JJ;

I offer you the saddest of welcomes. I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter. You have come to the right place. You are so early on this horrible journey that none of us chose. There will be others who will have wiser, more comforting words to offer than I. I still struggle with it all. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, was killed in an ATV accident on August 9, 2009. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. The vast awray of emotions you describe has lightened for me but still rear their ugly head from time to time.

I will be quiet now and wait for those with more experience and wisdom to share themselves with you. Please keep coming back, JJ. Share when you can. Share what you can. There are no rules here. There is no judgment. We love to talk about our angels and although it is with much sorrow, we wrap your daughter in the same love and acceptance as the rest of our children.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Dear JJ

So sorry for your loss, but glad you found us.

This is such an unreal journey you are starting. The physical pain now is so intense. I am so sorry for that. But it will subside-----in time.

I am 2.5 years into this journey that never ends. Our 16 year old son, Brian was killed in a car crash, my profile states more about the crash. Two families ruin - The driver of the car that killed my son is now a convicted felon at 19. No one wins in this mess.

Please join us and tell us about your girl We will listen and say her name here.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

JJ-I am not one of those with more experience and wisdom that Susannah was talking about. My son died in his sleep at a friend's house in January, six days before he would have turned 21. I am kind of in the same place you are, I've just been here longer. I try the words "dead" and "died" out and I find that I can't relate them to Westley. I can say "he's gone" or something like that, but saying "he died" just about does me in for a long while. For me, it has come in layers, I guess. I have not been able to accept the totality of his being gone all at once, just a little at the time. Like realizing I'll never be the mother of the groom. Your children are so much a part of you, that their gone-ness feels like your own death. In a way, it is, the old you is gone and you have to find your way back to living. I'm certainly not there, I can barely breathe, and its been 9 months. So give yourself time to cry and scream and be angry, and don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling. Everybody on here has had the same experience in a different way, if that makes any sense at all. And when people tell me how they felt or how they handled it, that's all they're doing, sharing their experience. It's like when somebody tries to tell you about their labor & delivery experience and it doesn't sound anything like your's, but you both were pregnant and you both had a baby. Sometimes, though, its like they were right there with me, inside my head and feeling every contraction just like I did. And that's how we know we're not alone. You're not alone, JJ. You've found friends that understand and listen and know. Peace and hugs dear friend

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, that made perfect sense and was well said.

JJ, I wrote to you after reading your story under loss of a child, but I do not know if you saw it. I am glad however, that you did find us here. I too lost my Girl to a train on car accident, in Michigan at a broken crossing. She was 19 when she died, and this was seven years ago. Erica lived in Kalamazoo Michigan with my Son, Jon and friends, kind of going to school, kind of not. Eri did not like school from nursery school on. She was gifted however, at making friends, at being that FRIEND that so many folks depended on, loved, hung out with. Erica lived for 6 days after she was hit, never awake again, but it gave us (we live outside of Chicago) and all of her friends and relatives to get to Michigan to see her, to bid her farewell. It was July and so many of her friends were able to fly in from the many places they were living in their college towns.

All I can give you right now is a promise, and it will sound empty but I assure you it is not. One day you will not feel as shredded as you do and will in the coming months. One day you will have the energy to do the things tha tmake you happy, and you will laugh again, and you will be able to look at photos and not scream. One day. Not anytime soon, but I promise, one day. Until then, and beyond, you must try to take good care of the body that houses your broken heart, drink lots of water, juice, teas. Take vitamin c to boost your immune system, we get beaten down in grief. We don't sleep or eat well, our stress eats our reserves of everything, so please do this. Do this because as I promised, one day you will be whole again, having integrated all the grief into the new self that will emerge. Talk to your Girl if you like, I do, tell her things outloud, because I love talking to her and miss that. Keep coming to us, we really get what it is you are feeling and we want to know, we know that having othes wanting to listen helped each of us.

When this was new to me in 2003, I did not even know that there could be sites such as this, so at around the 5 month mark, I wondered and googled grief websites, and voila' this and many other sites were available. Some are religiously based, but this one is all encompassing, no matter your belief system which is also somethng you can freely speak of here. No judgements. You should never worry about who said what or who our child is at the start, later on from visiting with us, names of kids and parents will begin to mesh but your brain does not need more to think about or worry about. At around the same time that I joined here, I went to therapy and stayed there for 2 years to help with the worries that plague me. I stopped and went back later when I had signs of PTSD. Use the options available to you for assistance. Be kind to yourself, this is the worst loss, the heaviest of sadness, and it will take time and energy to carry on.

Some have asked me if I was angry at Eri and actually I wasn't because the crossing was broken on her side, the light was not flashing, and the sign said, no left turn if light is flashing, so she was following the law, but she probably had her music up loud because she apparently did not hear the train either.

[Crystal16]

Good morning friends,

Susannah- I pray everything is okay…when I became pregnant the doctor told me also I was premenopausal…

JJ in Florida- So sorry to hear of your lose my daughter too died a little over a month ago and I’m still numb and in complete denial. I am also ANGRY at Ashlee her boyfriend pointed a gun at her head and she trusted him so much she never thought twice about moving, screaming punching or something that would have stopped it from happening!!!

Elaine- So sorry things have and continued to be hard for you. I love my alone times when I get to walk, mourn and soul search. Sometimes those are the best times I have conversations with God.

Dee- I loved your words of encouragement. I talk to Ashlee always and it breaks my heart I have not felt or heard from Ashlee since the tragedy. I’m not sure if it has to do with my denial or NOT wanting to let go of her. I pray every night that God would let me see her in my dreams, sense her presence or feel that she’s okay and there’s only emptiness.

[ericasmom]

Crystal, wasn't it you who found the necklace on the bedpost? I do think that that is some form of communication. I wonder if you and JJ live anywhere near one another,,,both so close on this journey. I am glad that our words here offer some comfort. I have talked to ERica since her death, always will, brings me closer to her. The last day that I saw Eri as Eri, she had surprised me with a visit, bringing with her two friends from Michigan who seemed wonderful, like her friends here. That was her talent, finding good humans in which to join in life. Anyhow, she and the girls went in the yard, Eri and I split a cup of coffee and I asked them to stand next to the BeeBalm to prove its height in photos. I had three pics left on my role of 36. She and Sarah and Heather stood next to the as tall as them flowers, and I snapped a few photos. That was a Sunday, she was struck on Tuesday and died the following Monday. So when we returned from Michigan, my husband went to walgreens to have th ephotos developed. The only three on the whole role of 36, were those of Eri and her friends, and they were good but foggy, like mist rolling up. Iwent to the yard where we had last stood, and there where she stood were her foot falls. I am not kidding, my feet slipped into the spot she was, and there were foot depressions there. I stand there still, go there some days before I go to work and ask that she bless the day as best she can, to watch over her brother, my boy, Jon. Those impressions in the ground remain, probably because i go there, but I like to think she left me this spot to feel her presence. I feel her often, but I think that feeling our Kids happens a bit more later on when some of the shock is worn away. So not to worry, you will feel her around you in some manner...She will always be watching over you, checking in.

I do not worry how Eri is, at about 1 month into grief, I felt a strange sensation while on a walk, like soemthing touched my head, and I got shivers and looked up as though something above me was touching my scalp. At that moment, I felt an amazing peace course through me, it was Eri's peace I know. I am not saying I then was okay with it all, but i could not deny that she gave me an amazing gift of her peace so that I could continue on knowing she was not hurting, not afraid, and indeed was peaceful. I believe in this and the other signs.

[Crystal16]

Yes I did find the necklace on my head board.... I guess I'm just being selfish and wishing I could see her one last time "smiling at me" letting me know she's okay.

[daniellemom]

JJ in Florida - I'm so sorry for your loss. You have found a great place. So many people on here have wisdom beyond my understanding. Tell her more about your daughter. Dee's advise is wonderful and she has helped so many people here. She is like my mother on this site along with Sherry.

Dee - don't get mad at me for calling you Mama, I know you are not old enough to be my Mama, maybe my older sister! LOL

Rhonda - On one of your recent post you stated Wesley would have liked Danielle. I'm sure they are hanging out together and talking about us and if you know Danielle she has Wesley laughing and talking about how crazy her Mama is and listening to stories from Wesley about all the crazy things he did to drive you crazy when he was younger. Danielle didn't date much, she thought of herself as a princess and would not date a guy more than once or twice if he didn't think she was a princess. She never thought she was pretty no matter how many times I told her she was, but she knew the guys should treat her like a queen or she didn't have time for them. She was too funny.

[kmb22]

Edit

[ericasmom]

]Nothing selfish at all Crystal, nothing. We lost a piece of our hearts, my connecting the necklace is only to remind you that messages come in all sorts of ways. Hell, if we could only be selfish...we would not know each other at all because we would have who we are grieving, we would not know this ache. But since we do know this ache, I am more than glad to know everyone here, sisters and brothers in the same journey.

SOnya, I would be honored to be a family member, even Momma to you Sweetie. Big sis works too, I am in fact, honored that you consider Sherry and me as the Mommas of the group, as we both have been here for a long time, losing our children the same summer, exactly one month apart.Hard to believe that Danielle did not think herself pretty, she is so very pretty and I like to think of her and all of our angels hanging out and making fun of us lovingly of course, listening to music, dancing, and zooming about like so many funky dragonflies.

Peace out

[hoosiermom]

Newbie and a lurker here

I just wanted to say....my Bri was disabled and developmentally delayed all her life....the only word she could ever say was "Ma" which of course was music to my ears....anyway, she loved her Barney videos, they always made her smile and laugh....I even had Barney put on her stone. About a month after her passing, my youngest daughter walked up to our local convenience store, and just happened to look at the ground and found a small plastic Barney....I mean, what are the odds? She brought it home to me, and we laughed, and I said "Some people get pennies from Heaven, we get Barneys from Heaven!"

Our angels leave us little messages of love everywhere

Peace and love to you all, Jenn

[briansdad]

Here are some of my 12. I’m trying to get this in at work 

Catching a big fish and then watching him swim away when I release him.

Listening to Brian’s daughter talk about her Daddy.

Watching the sunset when I’m fishing.

Taking my granddaughters fishing.

The smell of burning rubber when I’m at the race track.

Listening to the sound of a P51 Mustang ( it’s WW2 fighter aircraft )

taxi down a runway.

The feel of a perfect golf shot as you watch it fly down the fairway…..Dead Center!

The joy of a perfect game in bowling….Yes I’ve done it once.

I know this one will have an “AWWW” factor……Lying in bed with my wife using me for a pillow.

[daveydow1]

Jenn---I am sorry that you had reason to come to this site......where no one wants to ever be. Please come back to

BI and read/post as you are able. I've been on here 7 yrs., and find it to be a lifeline. I'm sorry for your loss of your

dear daughter, Bri. Peace to you.

JJ in Florida----I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter. The BI site has lots of understanding people who

are always willing to listen. We all know, firsthand, the sorrow of losing a child, and all the bumps and potholes

on this road of grief. Please take care of yourself, and come to BI whenever you can. Everyone with a loss, and

sorrow is welcome here. Prayers for you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mysonrich]

Dear JJ, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. You have found a place that will support you, listen,cry,hold you close as walk this path. I also carried much anger after my son Rich died Jan 18,2009. Rich was 20 years young. Please , take care of yourself. I found that my anger was slowly destroying me . My physical health failed. Sometimes it is still a struggle, the damage that anger caused.

Jenn, your daughter is beautiful and "Ma" is the most wonderful word in the world!

To all that responded to my question: 'should I have Rich's report reviewed" thanks for the advice,insight. I haven't made a decision. I don't know if I'm strong enough for details. Not right now.

[daveydow1]

Some pics from our garden.

[daveydow1]

From our garden.

[ericasmom]

What a beautiful photo Sherry, of those hollyhocks. Gorgeous yard by the way. goodness, and the benefits of growing your own. Glad to see you Sherry, what are you doing this weekend?

AWWWWW is right Greg, love your list, it really helps me to see you better, which is an added bonus to the list project. Hope that you are doing well. Do you fish in the autumn months?

Hi lurking newbie, so nice for you to lend your story to make clear the idea of signs. I love that Bri sent you a little Barney, and that her Sister found it. What could be nicer for your younger daughter than to come home and share that with you? Joined and united in belief adn in the love of Bri.

Betsy, your decision to either go ahead or not would put most of us in the same quandry. Only do it if you feel there will be a benefit to your soul. I like that you shared about the anger, good for those new here to read the many ways we reacted to the saddest news in the world. I think it allows others to see that there is no one way to respond. That the anger took its toll on your health is an important reminder to Newbies, anger is part of grief in many cases, so if you feel you are unable to move through the grief after several months you may want to talk with someone to help you figure out how to do that. Our grief causes so many emotions and there is so much negativity thrown into our lives, reaching out for help here, or at a Compassionate Friends meeting, or with a counselor or all of the above mentioned ways can really go a long way to meeting you where it hurts most. Can't cure it, can't make it go away, but we can help find ways to live with the loss.