Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Just a quick hello Indigo's. I must take advantage of my momentum and keep painting!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

ALICIA LIZETTE MARSDEN...you are loved, you are missed, you are always, always remembered...not only by those who loved and knew you while you walked this earth, but also by those who your family introduces you to on this side of the veil...all of us here on BI, with you and your family...always. I know that you are with all of our angels--- they have led all of us here, knowing that we will find comfort, understanding, and support through this journey.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[westleysmom]

ALICIA LIZETTE MARSDEN-YOU LIVE ON IN THE SMILES AND HEARTS OF YOUR CHILDREN. YOUR FAMILY LOVES AND MISSES YOU SO MUCH ON THIS AND EVERY DAY.

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[westleysmom]

Dee-Congratulations to Jon on passing his test. Is he switching careers or moving up? So cute about Eri growling at the beef sandwiches. No wonder she could never become a vegetarian permanently!

Susannah-Having a carpenter around is good most of the time, until you want to take a non-professional shortcut. Not allowed. Westley worked with him too and was getting better at it, but he still was not opposed to shortcuts and would be on my side if I thought one was called for. I love the way fresh paint makes a house smell new. I like it more after I've got all the paint supplies put away and I'm finished, though. Keep up the good work!

Kathy-I'm so glad that your so-called friend did not ruin your evening with the family. It must have been very hard to go back to that restaurant, she has no idea how hard. I admire your strength and class too. Good luck with your home improvement projects today. It sounds like you'll be in there and settled down in no time.

Elaine-Sorry it is being so hard for you these days. I think of things like that too, that was the last store where he went, where he ate dinner, things like that. I don't tell anyone else, for fear they'll think I've gone over the edge. Is Michael's leg still doing okay?

Lorri-I'm so glad Kody's getting good news at the Dr. I'm sure dropping those pounds probably helped, but its so hard! Tell him to keep up the good work.

We're going to a wedding this evening. It is the daughter of a contractor that my husband works for. Its at their home, my husband re-did the stairway a few months ago for them. I don't know if she'll be coming down the stairs during the ceremony, but I'll let you know if she does. I always think that's so pretty in a wedding dress. I always get misty at weddings, but I'll try to be discreet. Have a good day all, the weather's beautiful and clear in TN, perfect for fall.

Shawn's Mom-Will be thinking of you as you carve pumpkins and release balloons to your sweet boy.

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAWN

Alicia Lizette Marsden

HOLDING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IN MY THOUGHTS

[mysonrich]

[mysonrich]

[mikesmomrs]

SHAWN; SHAWN; SHAWN....fly with our angels, beautiful boy, and celebrate your birthday today with them, and the hugest of cakes and the biggest of parties...send sweet memories to your precious mom, reminding her of all the wonderful things about you that she has stored up inside her heart.

Karen: Holding you close in heart and prayer...I hope that everything goes okay for you today...know that we are all right there with you.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[krichie]

Sending Birthday wishes up to you Shawn. Know that we celebrate your life and say your name today and everyday

[ericasmom]

Karen, may this day though filled with a broken heart, give way, make room for the joy that Shawn's birth brought to your lives.

SHAWN- blue skies my Dear- joy and blue skies.

[heartbeataway]

Shawn!

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[shorty16]

DEE WROTE this to remember a good friend: My daughter's full name Alicia Lizette Marsden, her birth date October 16th, 1982 and her angel date is October 20th, 2009. She is sadly missed by her 2 children Gabriel and Alyssa Ambrocio, little sister Ashley her Mom and many cousins, aunts and uncles. Thank you

Thinking of your family today. Having a birth and angel date so close is very hard. Mind numbing - really. Thinking of those 2 young children, sending my love.

Karen, Sending you warm thoughts of your boy, Shawn. Birthdays are their special days, may you feel his love!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

PS: Sus: AJ is grounded still from Homecoming (2 weeks ago). I let up a little this weekend. I told AJ how worried I was when we did not know where he was - I cannot deal with that. He felt bad, genuinely. He is a good kid, just being a teenage boy.

[nicksdad]

[shorty16]

Indigos

As others have said on here, I really think (know) I have changed since Brian's death. I did look for myself for a long time and never did find the old Colleen - she died on 6-19-2008.

The new me looks the same, but my brain re-wired. I am more perceptive of others feelings. I can recognize my demons - the worst of them is guilt. Guilt would destory me if I let it. But my friends have explained (over and over again) that I am a good parent and tried (and continue to try) to raise responsible, caring and nature-loving kids that respect each other.

I also realize that every moment is a potential memory. I can choose to make a good memory or a bad memory. The bad memories of Brian haunt me and are the major fuel for my demon. I have choosen to make as many good memories as I can.

You have helped me to recognize and "accept" this very difficult jouney. But, I will never accept the death of my son at 16. That will have to be explained when I meet my maker.

Colleen

[rlolheiser]

I haven't been around for awhile, just so busy.. trying to keep sane.. I think I still have some left but I am not real sure.

I missed some dates, so sorry...

belated wishes to you MIKE... thinking of you and your family.. I know you walk close to mom and dad always...your love is always shining brightly.

Karen, my thoughts are with you .. I know Shawn was is with you in dancing in the heavens.

Alicia Lizette, I am thinking of you and your family.

mom is still feeling rough... but for now is ok. My daughter is still not doing her part..I really don't know what to do anymore for her, I have been frustrated so badly that I called Social Services and yelled at them for not making her go to counciling of any kind.. so not a lot has changed here.

My oldest daughter got married here on Wednesday. it was a harder than I thought day.. it was my paren't wedding anniversary.. and I missed my dad a lot. My daughter wanted to honor my folks by choosing their day.. and made sure my mother was here to enjoy it. The wedding was at my house and took its toll on me. I am tired out :-) to darn old.. I told everybody no more wed.. dings here...I had a dozen people sleeping in my house that I didn't even know.. I fed them.. cleaned up after them.. and told them goodbye and was so happy about that. I was a cry baby all week.. my daughter didn't understand .. I didn't either.. I was petrified.. so many people came this far... to a party at my house... I haven't had a party since the party I had with JaBoa.. ( a party where people had to travel to attend)... I lived in fear waiting for the last call from people saying they made it home.. I know it wasn't rational but God help me.. I was afraid... thankfully everybody made it home.. and the only thing i suffered was a messy house.. and sore body.

I missed coming in here to read each of you.. I had jsut been so busy.. my lonliness was exreme.. funny how lonely you can feel in a crowd. I don't have a lot of time tonight.. I hope I get back to normal.. I think of you my family.. and pray always for your safety and happiness... Just wanted to let you know...I am ok..

I will try getting online again tomorrow... take care all my friends...

[summergirl]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAWN - DANCE AMONG THE STARS, SHINE BRIGHT AND LET YOUR MOM KNOW HOW CLOSE YOU ARE...SEND HER HUGS AND LOVE....

[summergirl]

Thinking of your family - "ALICIA LIZETTE MARSDEN" .... A BEAUTIFUL NAME FOR A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL....

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - wow, Mi-Mi is a tired women but a happy one tonight. Alot done today at the house, kitchen / dining room all primed and ready for paint. Barry spent the day putting in all new outlets, running cable wires, phone etc to where we wanted them. Tavian was just too cute "priming" one wall in his bedroom....roller in hand and singing along with the radio....It was a good day for the 3 of us. back tomorrow to continue - at this rate hopefully we will be in sooner then we thought.

Yes, the "friend" that deciced to join us for dinner is the same one who accused me of taking 200 dollars from her !!! She acts like nothing ever happened....I can forgive but I cannot forget and it just does not feel the same to me....our friendship is not like it was and how I had hoped it would always be.......How does she accuse me of such a thing and now just act like nothing ever happened ?? Oh well.

Thank you all - yes it was hard going to the restaurant but I do not regret it.......it is hard to explain, the mixed emotions I had when we arrived....a part of me felt "something" when I stood in the spot where Jessica took her last breath and the other part of me just wanted to scream.....I do not know how to put it into words, I am not like alot on here who have a way with words so I will leave it to you all to try and understand. I know I miss her soooooooooo much, it hurts like hell and there are days still where I feel guilt for being able to raise Tavian, to be a part of his growing up, his accomplishments, all that he does...Oh I know Jessica is watching over him but she is his mommy and she should be doing all that I am.....I miss her laughter, her hugs, her way of lighting up the room when she walked in, bringing her laundry over only when she had 4 basket fulls instead of 2, when she would come to visit and end up staying the night with us because she just wanted to be with us, so many things, I could go on and on.......

Time for some rest my friends.....Peace, love and strength, Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Well, last night, Cathi and I took Sarah and Damon to the show at the "Rochester Opera House,".. "Beatlemania Again" As we were coming into the building, we (Sarah, Damon and I--Cathi came a bit later), were alone coming up the steps and Sarah said "Mike's here." As I turned to look at her, the scent of sandalwood wafted across my face, and into my heart. Mike wore sandalwood. We looked around, and we were the only ones there. We didn't smell it the rest of the night, but that was quite a welcome! Damon had such a good time, and knew just about every song they played. We were just five rows back from the stage, so he had a wonderful view. The guys were quite good, and very representative of the Beatles---even using period instruments and costumes, which they changed three times...even used the outfits from "Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band." I was okay til they said "we know that many Beatles fans have left us, and they are missed by those who love them, and we dedicate this next song to them and their loved ones": they then played "My Life," which is the song Sarah chose for the middle of the photo tribute they played at Mike's services. When the first notes started, Sarah looked over at Cathi and me, and we all just held our breath and held each other's eyes for a moment---then it was just the sharing of a beautiful memory. Just before we had gone in to take our seats, I had asked the ladies at the door (all volunteers) if they had an extra poster that I could give to Damon, and she said no, but if I came back after the show they would give one to him. She asked his name as I was walking away. After the show, she was actually waiting for us at the doorway and said "Come and get your poster now." We followed her downstairs, and she handed Damon the poster, and all the guys had signed it for him...wasn't that sweet of them, and her? Damon lined up with it and them to get a picture, and the one playing "Paul" reached down and swooped Damon up in his arms...Damon was looking at his mom like "Hey, mom is this okay to do?" He was so cute. He stayed awake for the whole show, but dozed just a bit over the last two songs, one of which is the loudest one they played---"Revolution." The show ran from 8 to 10:45...I was surprised he lasted that long...he's usually in bed by 7 or 7:30. So, we did have a very good time, and it will be one of those "new" memories mixed with the old...I hope Damon files it away in his "rememories" file... On the way home, I was telling Sarah about the heart we found on one of the pumpkins we had put at Mike's site...she smiled and said "I know, we saw them." "We" meaning she and Damon...that is the first time she has taken him to Mike's site. I wanted to ask her more, but left it for another time. It was enough for now to know that she took him there and shared that with me.

Kathy: I am so glad you are getting so much done so quickly at the new house, and happy that Tavian is joining in with the preparation. Yes, you know that Jessica is right there, but we understand the longing, just the same. I, too, think it was pretty incredible of you to go to the restaurant and to stand where Jessica stood, and I think we all understand what you were trying to say. And, I think Jess was with you, and so very, very proud of you!

Leah: I am so sorry that you are caught up in so much. That was so sweet of her to want to honor her grandparents by choosing their anniversary to get married, but I can understand how you were missing your dad at that point. I also understand your fears associated with the "party" part of it---completely understandable and not irrational at all, given the circumstances. I wish there were some way for you to get more rest and time for yourself... I wish that your other daughter would pick up some slack for you, it would be so helpful, but I am sure you already know that.

Colleen: Your statement "The old Colleen died on 6/19/2008," and that your brain is rewired somehow. I think eventually, though that we come to realize that the "old" and the "new" have blended together over time...the new one taking up where and when the old one cannot...dealing with the needs of our "new" life, allowing us the strength to carry all the memories of the previous life with us, into this strange, new future that we never, ever planned for ourselves. As for the "guilt," well...we all know and live with that sometimes...wishing there was an "undo" button in our previous life...of course, if that were so, we would surely "undo" the most heartbreaking thing of all...the loss of our child. I am glad that you are seeing that AJ is just a kid, who is being a teenage boy, and are also dealing with the needs that presents, as well.

Karen: I hope that your day has gone as well as it could...Shawn is happy with your efforts to celebrate his birthday, even though your heart is breaking with every breath.

Lorri: So glad to hear that Kody is doing better and pray that it continues.

to all Indigos..Marcia, Bonnie, Dee, Trudi, Elaine, Greg and Dan, Betty, Sus, Betsy, Sherry, Lynn, Sonya, and any of you I may have not mentioned, sending love and prayers for each of you...you are all such very special people, given a huge burden to carry, but carrying it with honor and dignity, honoring your child each step of the way as you move through your days...and offering support, understanding and friendship to others who share our journey.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

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[ericasmom]

Thanks Col and Everyone who has responded to Alicia's birthday and soon, her angel day.

Ashley is in fifth grade now, and she misses her big sister very much, and her niece and nephew who used to live with them, now moved about an hour away with their Dad. This change too has been hard on Ash and her Momma. So I thank you for your heartfelt support, and I know that they will as well.

Carol, it sounds as though the evening was magical really and that DAmon had a most fabulous night. Good for all of you. Thanks for telling us, that story warmed my heart right up.

dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - Thoughts and rememberances for Alicia Lizette. Missed is something that is always there. Pls pass on prayers and thoughts to her family....

Karen - Birthdays always grab the heart. That one day where your life and its direction changes forever in such a positive way. The numerical 'signs', well anyone here will tell you I'm a big sign believer. The carved pumpkins look amazing. Pls continue to share Shawns life story here, one handsome dude.

Carol - That was some concert. Love the pics. Sandlewood, an unmistakeable sign. A great thing that Sarah and Damon got to see the pumpkin hearts - yes another sign.

Kathy - Working on the 'new house' making a home for you Barry and Tavian, with no doubt Jessica overseeing your work. Glad you made it through the restaurant night.

The new me looks the same, but my brain re-wired. I am more perceptive of others feelings. I can recognize my demons - the worst of them is guilt. Guilt would destory me if I let it. But my friends have explained (over and over again) that I am a good parent and tried (and continue to try) to raise responsible, caring and nature-loving kids that respect each other.

I also realize that every moment is a potential memory. I can choose to make a good memory or a bad memory. The bad memories of Brian haunt me and are the major fuel for my demon. I have choosen to make as many good memories as I can.

Colleen - Memories are things that I don't take forgranted. I snap the grandies at each opportunity, more for me than them. Same with the 'adult' kids. Pictures of them together are precious. I missed so many opportunities to get pics of Mike. He didn't like his pic taken, bit like his mum..

My rewired brain though only allows me to be who I was in short spans. Too long and I face a 'brownout".

I have learnt that the new me isn't that 'bad' just very very different.

Granma is supposed to be checking homework for Emily. She only has about 6 weeks of primary school and then off to the big high school. Another milestone that screams life goes on.

[ericasmom]

Karen, you and I must have posted at or around the same time, and I was wiped out so I went straight to sleep. I love your pumpkins and the balloons and know that these activities have helped a family move into this next day. That first birthday of Eri's without her here was incredibly hard. Time signals have been a part of connection to Erz as well and oddly Karen, it is with 4:44. Long before I even had ERz, i would wake to the clock saying 4:44. Then When pregnant my insomnia would errupt and it was 4:44, and she was born on 4-4-84. My three 4's. My niece also woke to 4:44 during her pregnancy adn so she felt Eri was keeping her company.

There are other signs too, and I welcome them and thank God and Eri for them as they work a bit of magic into my spirit. Be kind t yoruself, give yourself permission to cry it out loud and strong when the waves come if you are able. There are no wrong ways to grieve as long as you are not hurting yourself in the process.

Truds, good to see you here, and such wise words. Yes, I will indeed let Alicia's family know.

[Guest msnher]

Karen - I'm a day late in remembering Shawn's birthday. Those pumpkins look like they were carved by professional artists. Very nice!

Kathy - I understand you finding comfort at the resturant. I wondered how you had the strength to leave the restroom. You are a very special lady! I'm very suspicious about your "friend". I'm sure you're being cautious around her.

Wishing you all a good day.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

‎35 MONTHS AGO TODAY WAS THE LAST TIME I HEARD KOURTNEYS VOICE...IMAGINE NOT HEARING YOUR CHILDS/BFF/HEARTS VOICE FOR 35 MONTHS....I DO NOT COUNT THE DAYS OR MONTHS...THEY JUST DECIDE TO COME AND KICK ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN THEY WANT........MISS YOU BABY..KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL

[ericasmom]

Kathy, I am so glad for the restaurant re-opening. I think that being there and going into the washroom and seeing the flowers lets you see that goodness exists even in our broken hearted days. Life does go on, but we are cheered to know that others take our Children with them as they travel from one day to the next. TO know that our Kids will not be forgotten is so important.

Col, how was the concert? Another example of others taking with them, the magical essence of our Children. Your words yesterday were lovely, and you are right, it is a choice. It takes a while to get to that point in grief, to see that we do have a choice in the way we conduct our lives, but we do. I spoke with my friend JOan yesterday, who lost her Son Josh a year and a half prior to Eri leaving. She and I have been on this old road for a long while, and she spoke about the choice we have to live well or stay fixed and stuck in the depths of it all. Not easy, and not readily available in the first year of grief or easily in the 2nd adn 3rd, but life is all around us, we join in or we don't, that is a choice.

May the autumn day you find yourselves in be as lovely as it can be.

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: that "invisible boot" that kicks us in the stomach every now and then...something I wish we all could get rid of, but likely it will be there always...just hopefully, the days of kicks will become further apart...just when you think you've maybe gone far enough into this journey that the boot won't show up anymore, wham, it comes out of nowhere and you're bent over in pain again. I am so glad that we all have BI here to come to and shout out some of our pain when the need comes. Sending love and strength to you.

Karen: I agree, your pumpkins look terrific...I know Shawn was smiling, showing them off to all our angels...

Trudi: What would we do without pictures? I too did not take a lot of Mike...he didn't like it much, either. There are spans of time where none were taken...regrettably. Now the camera is every-ready at hand...another of life's lessons learned the hard way.

Dee: Yes, the evening was truly magical...I have the picture of Damon posing with the guys here on my desktop as background, and every time I look at it, I see more joy on his little face...brings smiles to my heart.

Kathy: that "friend" of yours...wow... kudos to you for not letting it spoil your evening. She needs a wake-up call.

Have a peace-filled Sunday everyone...I will be spending it getting ready for Ralph's brother and nieces' visit this Wednesday...wish I could clone myself for the day!

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Wow, there's so much going on with everyone! And no magic wand to make it all better .......

The talk of numbers made me think of Jason's ....... it was seven. There's a whole list of seven's but I can't remember them all. His birthday is 10-27-75. He was born at 4:57 and he was the seventh grandchild born. His dad was 27 when he was born. His social security number has sevens and so did his birth registration number. His mom (me) was one of seven children. I can't remember any others.

Kathy, glad the trip to the restaurant was successful. I don't think I will ever understand the person who joined you. Maybe she spent too much that day and had to account for it somehow ...... ??

I'm hearing some "happy" in the move planning. That's good to see. Wish I were closer so I could help in some way. Hope it happens soon!

Trudi ...... loved the picture of Muttley sitting in the chair. Such a sweetie!

Carol, you're such a strong person. The concert was such a great idea! I glean as much as I can from you!

Friday, I had lunch with some other foster moms. I sat there listening to all the chatter about the children, etc ........ and thought, here I am with another group of Moms and I have no child. I think I'm destined to be childless but listen to the happy of other Moms all around me. Can you tell I have a case of the "woes is me"?? I'll snap out of it ....... I usually do.

Well, we had homemade vegetable beef soup and grilled cheese for dinner. So, I'm lazy too ....... ;-)

Is anyone going to see the new Clint Eastwood movie with Matt Damon? I think it's called Hereafter ....... I'm looking forward to it!

Also have any of you seen the documentary on a little town in New York called Lilly Dale. I want to go there. Does anyone want to go with us?

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[ericasmom]

Sweet Bonnie, there you are joining in with other Moms and suupporting them I am sure, while waiting for the opportunity again to serve. To give to a Child that has had so much strife in his/her life, that chance to know that there is goodness in the world. That there is more good than bad adn that folks are out there to help smooth the road. You are a good good woman Bon.

I hope for the sake of a sweet Child awaiting placement, that he or she finds herself in your home, in your world, in your heart.

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[shorty16]

Indigos

Well, this weekends football was exciting. WI had a huge win over Ohio, but GB fell to Miami. Not to mention the salt in the wound - Minn won, But Chicago lost.

The party for the band Mechanical Kids was bitter sweet. Scott and I both felt exhausted after we left. Takes alot of energy to keep yourself together when you want to fall apart.

Relaxing this evening

Colleen

[summergirl]

Sandalwood wafting past you, "Mike's here" - how beautiful, special....always makes my heart happy when I read of signs. Damon must be so excited, what a treat for him to get the poster, have it signed and get his pic taken.....super

Bonnie - you are too sweet.....you are already helping me just by the encouarging words you write. Besides, it may sound a bit awful but I am really funny about certain things....I prefer to paint by myself so I know it is done the way I want..I won't even let Barry paint, well a little, I will let him do the primer but rolling only...no trim work. My friends have offered but I told them I will need them when it is time to move all the furniture etc. - that is when we will need them all. Our friend Glenn is coming over to sheet rock the ceilings in the bathroom and master bedroom - they both had some water damage and I am not going to try to cover it up, may as well do it right the first time around. I am so happy the kitchen / diningroom done today and it looks so great. Tavian continued in his room with priming but Mi-Mi will be re-doing it when he is not around.....letting him paint makes him feels like a part of everything.

Dee - thank you....I too am very glad the restaurant has re-opened....it was hard to go by it and see it all closed up even though I did not go there after awhile. It is also nice having my friends open it and that it is now a "family" restaurant instead of a bar.... Jessica is happy I know that it is now a place where we can take Tavian and enjoy seeing other families and not a bunch of "hanging at the bar people".

Thank you all for figuring out "my feelings" about being in the restroom - I feel blessed in a good kind of way.

Suz - yeah diffacult with my friend and it is just so damn weird.....one day she accuses me of stealing 200 dollars from her and now she acts as though that day never happened and that we are best of friends like we have been for the past 9 years !! Just can't seem to figure people out and it just makes me weary so why try. Another thing weird is last Christmas I bought her a pandora bracelet with one charm that said "best friends"....it is sterling silver (she likes gold) and she has never worn it....today she and hubby came over to the house to see how we were doing and she shows me "she is wearing the bracelet" - she got a couple new charms for her anniversary !! I had told her a couple of times that she could return it if she didn't like it because it was sterling silver and she said I don't know, I am still thinking about it !! So today I asked her why she didn't change it for gold and she said "well, the gold braclet was 1200 dollars and that was too much so I am staying with the sliver !! OK SO WHO IS CRAZY HERE !!!! Had I known she would behave the way she did / has I would have kept it for myself. But my birthday is the 24th and I told hubby I wanted the pandora bracelt - we shall see

Sorry for not answering to all but as last night this body is weary and ready for some rest.....take care all and may peace be with you all...Kathy

[ericasmom]

I am impressed with all of you do-it-yourselfers. While we have no money to have any work done, we are also not good at painting. I did paint in my younger years, when Jon and Eri were little I painted the rooms every couple of years, and I painted the dining room at our old house with a glaze and rubbed off affect. Very pretty, but now? nope, I am not neat, I haven't the patience, and I am just not into it. The outside of our home is in dire need, but we simply do not have the money and it frightens me some as we probably won't have the money next year either. We cannot climb ladders as high as we need in order to scraped adn paint...Oh well, figure it out some other time.

Leah, prayers for your Daughter to find what is most important. I sure am hoping that you will have a break soon, but I know that you are the 'woman on deck' so it falls on you. Hang tight.

I am presenting a small writing workshop for adults next Saturday morning. The adults will be the parents and in some cases grandparents of children attending the Young Authors Day at our school. Many authors come to work with the kids from all over Oak Park, Forest Par, and River Forest. There is always an adult workshop but a few years ago they realized that they needed another facilitator. They asked me knowing that I like to write. It is fun to do once I am in it, prior to that I get very nervous. I am also going to present a workshop for teachers in January at a huge venue in Chicago, McCormick Place for the Opening Minds Conference. I am conducting one on writing with children. ARGH, I am excited but I do get scared.

Karen, yes, the 4,4,4 in ERica's numbers have been a charm of sorts. Glad that you have this day to look back at the work of yesterday. Hey, why the 3 at the end of your post, was it that 3 again that sneaks in. To me, the 3 sounds like He and his brother adn you. To his Dad, it is the 3 of them. I know that jon and Erica's Dad, Michael, called the three of them (after our divorce) The Three Muscateers.

Col, the Bears did not win because of one thing...they sucked! Sorry to sound like I am 14, but it is so. Hester however was able to do one of his magical plays and for him I celebrate. I don't know how many overthrows Cutler threw today but really?

Husband adn I watched Up in the Air yesterday. Today we watched Hurt Locker. My brain is on overload from hurt locker. I used to love war movies, Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Deer Hunter, and as a kid, I watched old movies with my Mom, all the ww11 movies,though I have always cried and felt the ache in the hearts of warriors and those who love them. And I always cry for the folks that simply live in the war torn areas. This though, is too close, it is going on now and my heart is so sad for all those involved adn for all it has done.

God help us find a way to end the wars, stop the hurt and learn to live peacefully.

[Guest msnher]

I'm through painting...sort of. I still have A LOT of touch up to do in the kitchen and there are things that need finished in all the rooms, but basically I'm done. Both bathrooms still need painting but I think they can wait another year.

I don't let anyone help me paint either, Kathy. Not because I'm good at it but because I'm so terrible at it. I am so messy. I don't even know how I manage to get paint everywhere. Today, on my path to accepting me as whomever that might be, I decided to quit cursing myself and just enjoy painting. It worked. I kept commenting that I wouldn't win any awards or be chosen first to help paint but I do step up and get it done. What I am is an excellent cleaner upper!

I have a lot of domestic chores to catch up on tomorrow.

Today a yellow butterfly almost landed on me. It almost hit me in the head. Earlier, a bird flew past my face so close I almost swatted at it. I'm trying to be more positive and believe they're signs, but I'm still not sure. Still....a wild bird did land on my shoulder----around midnight....a day or two after Stephanie died. And, then the owls..........I definitely didn't imagine any of that. Quite tangible.... with witnesses.

I'm still waiting for the orange....

Gary took the kids to dinner so I could finish up this evening in peace. I'll have to do something special for them because they were so patient while I painted this weekend.

Peace everyone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Amen to your prayer for peace, Dee!!

How exciting that you get to present a writing workshop for adults! I wish I could attend. Yesterday Jonathon (6 yrs old) asked me who my favorite author was. I told him I have several and named a few (mostly, I can't remember the names of authors!) He sat back and said, "Mine is ------" I can't remember the name he gave. Then the kids got into a discussion about books and authors. Mariah got out her Nancy Drew series today and read to us while I painted. Grandpa and I asked questions about the stories and what she had just read. She paused for a moment and said how much she likes it when I paint because she can just talk to me.

My new goal is to be more available (physically and emotionally) for "my" kids! Jasmine read a short book to me before bed. Mariah was busy writing and didn't want to be disturbed....Jonathon asked for a song.

I digress.........My point is teachers like you are cherished!!

[mikesmum]

Good Evening Indigos

Well the end of a long weekend here with Grandies. We have seen the Legend of The Guardians : The Owls of Ga Hoole. Jeya (3) 'didn't like it much' - the others were more in awe of the 3D affects.

High point, brunch with Steven Kelly Emily Caleb Zak and Jeya. Zak discharged after 2 days with ? appendix. I tend to get lost in the 'maturity' of my youngest son. Reminds me I'm moving to that place of 'aged parent'. (lol)

Melissa called on Saturday night. After talking with her babies I was handed the phone. She wanted to me to know that they were okay. They had been able to manouvre through the numerous landslides on the coast road they were on. 'Funnily' I hadn't heard about them, I guess what I didn't know didn't hurt me.

I am bone weary tonight. Being here takes the light and energy from me. I seem to run on batteries here that are charged by having grandies but only for the time they are here. I know you all get it.

Karen - Australia is truly beautiful. I feel comfortable saying that given I have done some travel away. It is a place where I have been able to capture 'energy' in nature, something that brings Micheal closer. Hope you can make it here one day, will open my door to you and show you around.

Dee - Pls book me a seat in your workshop. I know of your words, your beautiful imagery through heart and soul.

These pics were taken when grandies 'get bored' waiting for the oldies to finish their coffee.....

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, very busy people at BI ! I can't say That for myself. Finished the z-pack,antibiotics, and watching that I eat veggies/fruit. Since moving here with the Auntie, I have slipped some in that dept.

I don't know if it is the ill health, partly I'm sure, but I feel that boulder on my shoulders again. It rolls off now and again,the same way it rolls up there. You speak of yourselves, now and before. We are different. Acceptance of Rich's death. I haven't accepted that yet. Acceptance of this life, my new normal? I don't know. Probably not. the boulder weighs heavy and I try not to accept that,but maybe that is a step. I make no sense I know

I'm kind of short of time and I will be back this evening, I read you all.

I have a question. I have a new Dr. , just happens to be internal medicine and pulmonary. I told him about Rich and the questions I have. HE offered to read Rich's autopsy report and fill in some blanks foe me. If they can be filled in. I have the coroner letter, Rather to the point but all this time I have felt that something is missing. somethings has been missed. could be denial right? as in, " how could this be"

So Indigo's, I value your opinions. Would you have the report reviewed or just let Rich rest in peace? if I find an answer or two, it won't bring him back.

Have a good Monday morning.

Betty, last year, while a couple months after Rich died, me and Sarah took a ride to the shore. We stopped at a roadside cafe', can't remember the name and look what we saw.

[clittlelady]

October 2, 2010, Saturday at 4 p.m. I lost my one and only child, my 30 year old son. He had suffered 34 days in critical condition with liver failure, pancreatic death and ultimately kidney failure, all secondary to alcoholism. In my heart of hearts I know he had battled depression for years and was probably bipolar. I had tried to get him help so many times but to no avail. He did attend a 47 day inpatient rehab facility and complete it, but the first 14 days were severe detox. Once completed, he maintained very few days of sobriety, even knowing that he had been told if he drank again, he would die. He has left his Father and I and His wife and 4 year old son. We were allowed to remain at his side throughout the entire hospital stay and help him maintain as much dignity as possible. We cleaned him and changed his diaper every 45 minutes to an hour. He became weaker and weaker and began respiratory distress. We were with him and held him as he took his last breath. I am so numb. I have taken a leave of absence from work. Boss was a jerk and I had the short term leave insurance and decided to utilize it. Don't want to do anything, but make myself stay busy.... cleaning closets, drawers, attic, anything to keep moving. I feel mechanical. Would love to pull blanket over my head and sleep, sleep, sleep. Can't remember things. I meltdown at least once a day. Nights are brutal. I've cried so much, don't see how I have any tears left. My dogs are worried about me, I think? My husband and I keep telling each other, this just doesn't seem real. Our son was compassionate and loving, good looking with wit, charm ad charisma. He had a great sense of humor and was a practical joker. He had a laugh that was infectious and his smile could light up an eclipse. I was 18 when I became his Mother and this is what every parent fears. We had a close relationship. I was always candid with him about his lack of seeing his self worth. In the midst of all my grief, I do count my blessings, and one was in knowing he asked God for forgiveness of his sins and repented. He prayed every day, the most humbling prayers, even in the midst of his horrendous pain. I know today he is in a better place. We did have the blessing of being with him at his death. He was unconscious for the last 10 hours of his life, but he knew we had been there all along, around the clock, by his side. We also count our huge blessing of having our grandson and daughter in law. All of that said..... I am broken beyond words.... I am empty and hollow. I have lost a brother when he was 37, following a horrible motorcycle accident and I was 21. I saw the grief my Mother suffered for years over my Brother. She told me then, she prayed I would never know that pain. I lost her 5 years ago at the age of 86 and also was her caregiver and with her at her death. As much as I loved my Brother and my Mom...... Nothing, Nothing at all could compare to this gut wrenching pain and void I am left with. I know my life will never be the same and can't see how I can ever do anything but go through this life on auto pilot. I've told myself, we grieve hard because we have loved hard. The suffocating feeling that overcomes me when those surges of reality hits me, reminding me he is gone, leave me sick. I know my Mom went on living and grieving my brother for years. She had four children still living and at times I had to remind of her that and she promptly educated me that it didn't matter how many still remained, no one could fill his void or lessen her pain of losing him. My one and only is gone and now I understand her pain. I don't see how she ever focused on living beyond that point. My son's birthday will be the 29th of this month and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas ...... I am not looking forward to any of these events.

[ericasmom]

For those of you who have not yet enjoyed the meeting of Trudi from down-under, her grandie, Em, looks exactly like her only Em has braids. HOLY COW TRUD! The child is a strong version of you, as is her Mum. MEERKATS!

NEWBIE, how lost you must be feeling and yes, that suffocating feeling is one that we have all felt as well and so we welcome you with the saddest of welcomes as we sit with you during this most profoundly sad time. Tell us about your Boy when you can, as often and as much as you like, we never become weary of tales of our Babies. This is brand new for you guys and yet a lifetime ago your lives were different. I know that time was some stranger to me tricking me with days and nights and calendar pages. None of it made sense, and still sometimes, 7 years out, time still tricks me. Hang on though, we are all here because we hung on tight to the knowledge that others were here to assist, and they did for me, and we will for you and you will for the next NEWBIE. Holding you tight,

dee

[shorty16]

Betsy - what you are asking has such a personalized answer. I know what happened to Brian and how he died. That brings me some comfort. If you feel this will help you in your grief process, than by all means. What will change if you know what caused your beautiful son's death?

Sorry, but I have to answer the question with a question. The only answer that matters is yours.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

I agree with Col Bets, Rich is at peace, it is you that has had a nagging for this time, so if you feel that finding out will ease that nagging feeling that there was something...then by all means. If you feel that it may spin you into the black, then perhaps not. It is not wrong either way.

Hey if you would like and if you wouldn't mind, I may try some of my writing activity ideas out on you and you can either post your writing responses or not...My workshop is all about memoir and poetry and how these two things overlap for me anyway. So our first activity is below adn takes very little time. It is an opener into your hearts.

I introduce myself and tell why I write...we discuss a few quotes from writers and then we talk about how Hemmingway wrote a 6 word memoir. Can you do that? You write about a specific time in your life in six words. Since we are all brought here by the same reason, EXREME BROKEN HEARTS, we can post our own six word memoirs here. For mine right now:

left standing in your light, alone.

[lolynbo]

DEE I WIL TRY I SUCK AT WRITTING...

GLOWING STILLNESS,BEAUTY FULL OF LOVE

[mysonrich]

infinite precious memories, after unfathomable reality

Dee and Colleen, thanks. I give this a great deal of thought.

[ericasmom]

WOW Lorri and Bets, beautifully expressed. May I use these for my workshop? I will not add names.

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri: Your "I suck at writing"...you were joking, right? seems pretty darned good to me...

Betsy: Yours, as well...truly words coming straight from your heart...

Trudi: Oh, that Em...a true picture of her grammie, smile, personality shining through her eyes...it's all there...so glad you've had that time with everyone this weekend...the others, well, the tussles on the sofa...so recognizable, though I've had to curtail it some with the boys as they grow to almost grown-up size. thanks for sharing the pics.

Newbie: I am so very sorry for the loss of your son...though my only son died from a different cause (brain cancer), I am right there with you in the "caring for him through those last weeks"...right up to the "holding him while he died." It doesn't really matter what or how our children leave us, though, we all feel that same pain, that is beyond description and takes over your very breath and soul. All of your words live in our hearts...we have each of us, felt that searing, life-sucking pain...and as Dee has said, you must be feeling so very lost and we sit with you in your pain, holding your hand, sending strength through our words and holding you close in prayer. Do, please, tell us about your son. Shortly after my son, Mike, died, I had not yet found BI, and I started a memorial web site for him...describing him, posting pics, telling stories about him...it helped tremendously, because it helped to defer some of the pain I felt when I would mention hm to someone and get "that look" as if they wanted to say "oh, please don't talk about your son any more." Doing the web site truly helped save my sanity those early days...finding BI a while later saved my life, as well. I also had a boss who was a total "witch" and it surely did not help any part of dealing with my son's illness and eventual death.

You will find comfort here, understanding, people willing to listen to you as you speak of your precious son, no judgments, no worries about "I'd better not say that," etc. Speak freely, and we will listen.

Sending love and peace-filled moments to you you,

Carol Mikesmomrs

[westleysmom]

Colleen-I'm glad you were able to hold it together for the party. It is so hard to be sad and happy at the same time and even harder to be sad, but act happy. I don't know which one you were doing, but either way, it wears you out.

Carol-Love the sideways smile Damon has. You can tell he had a really good time. Good rememories for sure.

Trudi-I hope you are able to get back to the water before long and re-charge. It is so beautiful there from the pictures, I can see why you love it so much.

Susannah-Being a good cleaner upper is almost the same as being a neat painter, it just takes longer. I know it must be hard to be "there" for the kids 24/7, especially since you still hear the background noise of your loss all the time. You are doing a great job and I know Stephanie is proud of you.

Leah-You poor dear, I hope you get to rest a little anyway. My daughter got married on her Granny and Grandaddy's anniversary and last year we had a 50th party for them, and it was 5 years for my daughter and her husband. That was before, and I'm so glad it was. I don't think I could put together a tea party for 2 this year, and there were way more than 2 at the anniversary shindig. I'm glad your Mom is a little better and hope she keeps improving.

Betsy-I think they're right, if you think it could help you to understand exactly what happened, then trying to find out is the way to go. If there is a chance that understanding what happened could make it worse, I don't know if I would take the chance. I have a report from the ME, but I never read more than the highlights of it. I couldn't bear to then, and I still can't. I know it said his blood alcohol level wouldn't even get him a DUI and he had some kind of painkiller in his system too. It has made it so hard to accept for me that he actually died. It was a stupid freak accident, kind of like a car accident, but not exactly, the only wreckage is our lives and hearts.

Newbie-I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss. Those first few days/weeks/months are a blur of trying to breathe and think what to do next. How to fix it when it can't be fixed. There is comfort to be found here when you are able to come. Some days its all I can do to get out of bed in the morning, and its been 9 months.

Dee-I haven't a creative writing bone in my body. I'll try to think about it and let you know if I come up with anything.

[Guest msnher]

Newbie - I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. You've come to the right place.

Betsy - I would do it. But, then, I'm not sure I'm the best person to listen to. What can it hurt? What have you got to lose?

Dee - Accepting love in my darkest hour.

[shorty16]

Dee here are my six words.

Love never dies, it changes form.

If there is anything I can take away from this grief process it is that I still love my son. The end of his physical existance has not and will never change that.

Colleen

[hotrod]

Hi Clittle lady I am so glad you posted here and shared your tremendous loss. I understand the pain you describe and know that you will find great support and understanding here. I lost my only son Stephen over 3 years ago and I be live this Board saved my sanity and life. Please post a picture of your beloved son and tell us more You are no longer alone.

Betsy I understand the quandary your find yourself in regarding the autopsy I was puzzled over Stephen's and I did have my doctor review it. I knew it was not going to change anything but I thought I needed more information than what I found in the report.

It did help me to understand more It did not change the terrible outcome. Think it over and I know you will make the best decision.

Dee, Lorrie and Betsy I loved your 6 line biography I, like Lorrie said am not much of a writer but would join in and say

"Unthinkable loss left my soul barren.

Dear Indigos Loved all the pictures and appreciate each of you

Have a Blessed day