Loss of an Adult Child

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[ericasmom]

Betty Dear, take the time you need to restore your spirit. There are no rules here asking you to commit to a certain number of posts or time in. We that have gotten to know you have been touched by your grace and by Stephen's spirit. Sometimes we just need to be alone in the world with our loss, with our memories, and with our emotions. NOt lonely in the world, but alone because the privacy that this provides is what you may need right now. Not one person here would ever feel that following your heart in this would be a bad thing, we support each other as each of us discovers what works best for themselves. You are loved and held.

[daniellemom]

Carol and Ralphie - My thoughts and prayers are with you today. Mike be near and dear to your wife, boys, sisters, and your Mom and Dad.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[heartbeataway]

:rolleyes::rolleyes: Mike! :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

[shorty16]

Mike,Mike, MikeWe are saying your name.

Carol and Ralph, I am thinking of you today, just as you have thought of me so many times. This link we share is both amazing and sad at the same time.

May the good memories of Mike be in the fore-front of your mind. Hug his kids for us!!

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

MIKE MIKE MIKE MIKE

Carol and Ralph, may today be full of love and happy memories as signs...........please send signs, Mike!

[shorty16]

Greg

1000X Thank you for flying the banners of our children. It looks like a great day outside.

I am using this picture as my avatar for a few days. Much love went into selecting the photos, creating the captions and putting the flag together. I had alot of fun. To painful for my family to take part, but they did review the progress as I went along.

Indigos

This Sunday, Scott and I have been invited to a party. Two of Brian's friends formed a band about 6 years ago (8th grade). This band has gotten really good; their name is "The Mechanical Kids". Well, The Mechanical Kids signed a record deal with Universal Motown records. I am so proud of them. Scott and I have been following their careers. We are good friends with their parents. We saw the band play at Summerfest. Well, Cory called me and invited us to this party. She stated it was for close family and a few special guests - we are the special guests. The band dedicated their first CD to Brian. I am so touched, sad, and so happy that I know Brian will not be forgotten.

Sometimes, I feel that my family is the only ones who will remember Brian. That his memory will become dust. It is times like these that let me know that is not true.

When we go to that party and represent Brian, I will be saying the names of the other angels also - they will also not be forgotten

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

MIKE MIKE MIKE You are loved and missed by all who knew you and even us who didn't. You live on in the sweet smiles of your boys and in your families hearts forever and they wait impatiently for the day when they see you again, smiling and happy.

Carol and Ralph and family-Holding you close in my thoughts and sending you hugs.

Betty-Sometimes I feel like that, but I guess I haven't been talking long enough to get everything out of my system yet, if I ever will. But know this, just because you don't see or hear somebody doesn't mean they're not there or you don't love them. We know that better than most people. So if we don't see you or hear from you, don't think for one minute that you are not a part of BI or that anyone will forget you or Stephen. We all are woven together in our grief like a fancy blanket or tapestry, everybody is part of it. You are part of us, whether you're posting or not, and you always will be. Hugs to you dear friend.

[shorty16]

Rhonda

Spoken Like a true Indigo. Your comment to Stephen's Mom was right on. We are interwoven, even though most of us have never met, personnaly. The connection is undeniable.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lostwoher]

Mike MiKe MICHAEL

thinking of you and the family while sending virtual hugs

[lolynbo]

Gosh If she was here, It would be all different, I'd be different , it would all be different like it was.

I JUST PUT THIS ON FB, I GUESS I MADE CARLEY MAD HER NEXT COMMENT WAS " Not everything that pops in your head needs to be shared on FB"......

YOU NO I CANT LIVE WHAT EVER I HAVE LEFT OF MY LIFE TRYING NOT TO HURT HER FEELINGS...IM MISSING MY GIRL MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD, SHES NOT GONE BECAUSE SHE MOVED SHE FN GONE...

SORRY I FEEL BETR NOW

FOR YAL THAT DONT KNOW KOURTNEYS HUBBY IS REMARRIED HER NAME IS CARLEY AND THEY HAVE A LIL GIRL NAMED BRINLEY..

[heartbeataway]

I JUST PUT THIS ON FB, I GUESS I MADE CARLEY MAD HER NEXT COMMENT WAS " Not everything that pops in your head needs to be shared on FB"......

YOU NO I CANT LIVE WHAT EVER I HAVE LEFT OF MY LIFE TRYING NOT TO HURT HER FEELINGS...IM MISSING MY GIRL MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD, SHES NOT GONE BECAUSE SHE MOVED SHE FN GONE...

SORRY I FEEL BETR NOW

FOR YAL THAT DONT KNOW KOURTNEYS HUBBY IS REMARRIED HER NAME IS CARLEY AND THEY HAVE A LIL GIRL NAMED BRINLEY..

Sounds like she took it to mean that you would rather she not be around ....... oh well ......... WE understand

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[heartbeataway]

Greg

1000X Thank you for flying the banners of our children. It looks like a great day outside.

I am using this picture as my avatar for a few days. Much love went into selecting the photos, creating the captions and putting the flag together. I had alot of fun. To painful for my family to take part, but they did review the progress as I went along.

Indigos

This Sunday, Scott and I have been invited to a party. Two of Brian's friends formed a band about 6 years ago (8th grade). This band has gotten really good; their name is "The Mechanical Kids". Well, The Mechanical Kids signed a record deal with Universal Motown records. I am so proud of them. Scott and I have been following their careers. We are good friends with their parents. We saw the band play at Summerfest. Well, Cory called me and invited us to this party. She stated it was for close family and a few special guests - we are the special guests. The band dedicated their first CD to Brian. I am so touched, sad, and so happy that I know Brian will not be forgotten.

Sometimes, I feel that my family is the only ones who will remember Brian. That his memory will become dust. It is times like these that let me know that is not true.

When we go to that party and represent Brian, I will be saying the names of the other angels also - they will also not be forgotten

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

Very sweet! Brian forgotten? No FN way ....... ( as Lorri would say )

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[lolynbo]

TRUTHFULLY IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER...JUST WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK....IF ITS LIKE IT WAS THEN SHE WOULDNT EVEN BE IN THE PIC...SHE WOULDNT EVEN NO WHAT SHE IS MISSING...WE ON THE OTHER HAND NO WHAT WE ARE MISSING

BUT YES I NO YAL UNDERSTAND SADLY..

[westleysmom]

Lorri-Sorry that Carley took it the wrong way. Lots of people in the world don't realize that everything that happens is not about them. You didn't mean anything against her, its not even about her. I know you're missing Kourtney a lot and don't want to have to tiptoe around somebody else's feelings.

Colleen-That is so sweet that the Mechanical Kids are honoring Brian and you and Scott. I too worry sometimes about Westley's memory since he didn't have any kids. His friends will move on and forget him, and his memory will die with us. I started thinking today about a wedding we have to go to this weekend and it popped in my head (not that I haven't thought it before, but it just came out of the blue again) "I'll never go to Westley's wedding. He'll never have one and I'll never be the mother of the groom and he'll never have any kids for me to spoil and send home for him to deal with." Those thoughts and similar ones hit me with such force sometimes that it hurts, you know? You feel like somebody is hitting you, only there's no one there. The tears come and you don't know if they'll ever stop. I hope that you have a good time at the party and please do remember Westley while you're there, and all our angels.

Have a good evening all and sweet dreams.

[daveydow1]

Dee-----I, too, was better able to go to the cemetery after that first year. Going to the cemetery when the

spirit moves us is good, I think. No set of rules about when & how often we go. When we donated for

the brick in Davey's memory, we had no idea whose brick would be with his. 70 yrs. age difference. I

sometimes like to think that he met up with this 101 yr. old man in heaven, and that they had a nice chat.

Betty----Dee said it so well. Everyone here certainly understands that there are times when the sorrow we

feel just seems to drain us, and that we have nothing to post. Our spirits do need a rest from time to time,

and each of us must go there......to be alone for awhile, until our spirit gets the comfort it seeks. Peace to you, friend.

MIKE.......MIKE......MIKE......... SMILE DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY, AND WARM THEIR HEARTS TODAY.

Trudi----The ceramic brick in memory of Mike sounds so nice. Sorry that you had the harsh letter from the internet people.....

Then to have them look at the records and find it's their mistake.........of course they just blew it off !!! . So very agggravating.

I'm glad that you have the beach as your restful haven.

Lorri----Sorry that Carley made that remark........She ,no doubt, did not stop to think that you were just writing what

was in your heart........that you miss your sweet Kourtney more than anyone knows.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Colleen - such an honour, such a memory, as you say bittersweet. Rock on Brian and the Mechanical Kids.

Lorri - Damn good thing that not everything that pops into your head needs to be shared on FB. Might get you kicked off!! Wanting your baby girl back means just that. It doesn't mean you wish Brent and his new family weren't around, you just want your family back. WE GET IT.

Made the fatal mistake of engaging in a war of words with Mikes partner Amanda about a month after he died. Steven and Melissa had been to visit her and spotted a 'Marriage Certificate' with Micheals name and ?? signature dated the 20th I think of Jan. Two days after he passed. It started out polite, but then it degenerated. Mouth in drive brain in neutral. She asked me if I thought she had anything to do with his dying. I thought for a minute and then...... I'm just saying if you hadn't come into his life he might still be here. Trying for the save I added 'but then we wouldn't have Harmony would we" She took that hard and rightly so. It cost me more than I would be prepared to give up, but I have learnt from that mistake.

Maybe Carly is just a little insecure. Kourtney's life with Brent is theirs life forever. Koutney didn't just leave, she died.

Carol & Ralph - The rain here hasn't stopped since early morning. Back in the hills thinking of the Mike and Mike show. Thoughts with you Chandler Kameron Damon Kim and Cathi [/size]

[summergirl]

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE - SAYING YOUR NAME, THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR WONDERFUL MOM AND DAD.....YOU ARE LOVED SO MUCH.....AND MISSED BEYOND WORDS....

[mikesmomrs]

To all: thank you all so very much for all of your thoughtful sentiments for us today...in memory of our sweet son, Mike. It has been a day of beauty, sweet memories, hard memories, tears, sun, the awesomeness of the fall day here in New England...colors everywhere...spilling out onto the streets when the branches of the trees hang over the edges...Mike was with us...certainly. A few days ago, we had gone up and put some pumpkins and some corn stalks near his stone...I was out this morning taking Davis to work, as our car was in the shop and he was loaning his to us. I took a turn that I don't normally take to get back home, and wound up driving past the cemetery. Ralph and I were planning on going up later today, but I went ahead and turned down the drive and went to Mike's site. As I sat down on his bench, I noticed one of the pumpkins...this was what appeared on the side....

Later, when Ralph and I were both in the car, and I was talking to cathi on the phone telling her about the pumpkin heart, a yellow punch buggy drove by...

Again, thank you all...I know that you all know how much it means to have your child remembered, and you all remember, and you all know...

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

THANKS GUYS...I NEW I CLD COME TO YAL AND YAL WOULD UNDESTAND...AS I SAID ON FB...WE DONT EVEN GET IT...WE DONT UNDERSTAND IT...WE JUST WANT OUR KIDS BAK OR THINK OF WHAT IF ....IF THEY WERE HERE....

MIKE MIKE MIKE ...SWEET MIKE...I PRAY YOU HAD A GREAT DAY TODAY..OF COURSE YOU DID YOUR IN HEAVEN...WHAT A SWEE GENTLE MAN YOU SEEM TO BE...HUGGS TO YOU AND YOURS TODAY..MIKE MIKE MIKE....

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's,

Greg - thanks so much for flying the flags...it looks like it was a most beautiful day. As Trudi says, our kids are sure getting around and I love it....

I have been crazy at work and getting ready to go paint this weekend. We took Tavian to see the house last night and he "loved it", he was so excited about his bedroom and playroom....he was showing us where he wants his fish aquarium, his flat screen tv (that Santa is going to bring him he said), his desk for his computer, what color he wants the walls, what color carpet he wants....the list went on and on. He loved the big yard and has already claimed which part is his so he can ride his go-cart and we can have the rest... It made me happy to see him so excited......this is going to be a good thing.

Work is crazy now that we have lost 10 people to retirement,,,,double work for me but I will get into a routine after awhile. I like being busy but not to the point where I am now....oh well, no complaints as I am working and alot of people do not have a job...

Tomorrow we are going to the "new restaurant" that is opening, it is for families and affordable...it is owned by the girl I work with. She and her husband are just 32 years and this is their second restaurant, they are very sweet, her name is Nicole. Anyway, this restaurant is special - it was where my Jessica was for dinner and where she passed - they have changed the name from "Fiddler's Cove" to "The Harbor Grill" and have remodeled the entire inside...the bathroom is in the same place but just redecorated - the bathroom is where my sweet Jessica took her last breath.....I am not sure yet how I will be but it is the opening night and I want to go. A part of me needs to see it and the other part of me is scared that I am going to fall apart and I do not want to do that. The first year that Jessica was gone I went there every other week and put flowers and pics in the bathroom, sometimes I left notes.....I stopped going after a while as I did not need nor want to go anymore. The last time we were there was for a party and about an hour into it I totally lost control, Barry half carried me to our car as I was crying so hard I could not catch my breath....Well, I guess we will see how it goes, Tavian is excited (he does not know) and I will carry all of you with me and I know Jessica will hold me up....

When Tavian was little and Jessica put him to bed they always said "I love you to the moon and stars" and then they rubbed noses and a kiss on the cheek...Well for the past few nights Tavian has decided that he and I have to rub noses when I tuck him in.....I have to say I was suprised that he remembered and felt a happiness in my heart..... I believe that sometimes Jessica gives him a little reminder of things they did together...I believe, I believe..

Well, as usual I have talked enough about me and my life so I will say good night to all.....I am trying so hard to catch up with all and I just seem to be falling more and more behind....must be my age or maybe the fact that I have way too much going on... Peace, Love and Strength, Kathy

[heartbeataway]

To all: thank you all so very much for all of your thoughtful sentiments for us today...in memory of our sweet son, Mike. It has been a day of beauty, sweet memories, hard memories, tears, sun, the awesomeness of the fall day here in New England...colors everywhere...spilling out onto the streets when the branches of the trees hang over the edges...Mike was with us...certainly. A few days ago, we had gone up and put some pumpkins and some corn stalks near his stone...I was out this morning taking Davis to work, as our car was in the shop and he was loaning his to us. I took a turn that I don't normally take to get back home, and wound up driving past the cemetery. Ralph and I were planning on going up later today, but I went ahead and turned down the drive and went to Mike's site. As I sat down on his bench, I noticed one of the pumpkins...this was what appeared on the side....

Later, when Ralph and I were both in the car, and I was talking to cathi on the phone telling her about the pumpkin heart, a yellow punch buggy drove by...

Again, thank you all...I know that you all know how much it means to have your child remembered, and you all remember, and you all know...

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

Very sweet Carol ...... would you ask Mike to look Jason up and give him some pointers on leaving signs? Just kidding but your boy sure knows how to show up!

Kathy, I'm glad the new house made a good impression on Tavian and makes it a little easier for you. I know this move can't be easy. Not after all the years you spent in your current home. The visit to the restaurant ....... that's not going to be easy and I will pray for strength for you.

Pinnacle Days is at the campsite where Jay died. There is a tree close to where the RV he rented was parked. This year we put a smiling "tree face" on it.

We also rent an RV from the same place. There are times I wondered if we were in the same one.

Some things are not mean't for us to know. I hope the memory of Jessica will bring you comfort and give you the strength to put a smiling face on that "bathroom" door and get through the evening .......

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[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I am humbled and privileged to be part of this remarkable group. The compassion, understanding and wisdom shared so readily is such a gift like I have never known.

Although we have been brought together thru our mutual pain, the love, and support we share has been unmatched in my life experience

I appreciate each of you and will continue to remember you all in my thoughts and prayers each night

[mikesmomrs]

Crystal...so very sorry that I didn't post for Ashlee's birthday...please know that you and she were in my thoughts. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, BEAUTIFUL ASHLEE...I know that our angels were celebrating with you...dancing and wishing you a sweet 16 birthday...

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

HI All,

very busy so unable to respond to so many ideas, worries, wonderings, but just a BIG HUG to everyone today. I am off to school.

love and peace

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos!!!

TGIF!!!!

It is going to be a good weekend. A wonderful craft fair is this weekend and I go every year.

We have a funeral on Saturday, but it is a celebration of Life. I am really able to identify the difference between a funeral of an older person who lived their life and a funeral of a life cut too short. The later, I still have a hard time attending.

Wisconsin plays Ohio State on Saturday night. - Rhonda - Who to you root for? This should be a good game

Sunday, the Packers play Miami - Packers are really beat-up. Sunday is also the party for The Mechanical Kids. I am looking forward to celebrating their success (bitter sweet).

I think of all you guys all the time and our angels are with me.

Thank you for being you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Yellow punch buggy? I thought Mike's color was red. That's why I posted a red slug bug. But, on that same note....yesterday I saw more volkswagons than I ever do. In fact, I drove past a YELLOW "punch buggy" just around the corner from me. It had never been there before. Then I saw a lime green one immediately after. I didn't take them as signs from Mike because I'm sure he was with you. I did take them as reminders to pray for you and Ralph and the rest of your family.

Yes. I'm painting again. I removed six doors and all their hardware and took them outside. First painting with primer and then two coats of latex. I also got all the trim in the hallway and laundry room painted. I hung all the doors back up myself, very proud of me.............and then went to bed hardly able to move. Physical labor was so much easier when I was younger. The doors were/are cheaper and were hung 18 yrs ago...raw wood desperately in need of attention. I have sat and stared at all that needed to be done for years. "I really need to paint those doors". Now, I'm actually doing it. It's obvious a professional didn't do it, but I'm impressed. There is much more to do.....

I want to respond to each of you but my mind just drew a blank. The kids are out of school today for Fall break.

Kathy - I hope work evens out soon. Doing the work of so many has to suck. I'm glad Tavian is excited about the move. Maybe.....just maybe Jessica had something to do with the move? Wanting to create new memories for her little boy? Just a thought.

Lorri - I'm glad I wasn't on facebook when Carley posted her reply.

I've been having weird dreams again. The other night I dreamed I just received the news Stephanie had died. It was a different setting than the actual setting. But, my reaction was the same. I couldn't breath, the pain in my gut and chest was intense. I kept screaming that God had to send her back because I can't handle this. And, then I woke up...

I still don't understand this grief journey. I no longer find it interesting. I find it debilitating.

Well...the kids need me.

Love to each of you...sorry I didn't respond to everyone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

Thanks Carol, it was Ashlee’s sweet 16^th birthday. I wasn’t able to celebrate yesterday. I was in the hospital loosing Isabella and I’m sure Ashlee was there to welcome her to the gates of heaven. I apologize for not recognizing Mike on his angel-date. I love New England I was born and raised in Old Orchard Beach, Maine. I hope to go and visit soon, I need some alone time and mental rest!!!

I hope everyone has a rested weekend I am in desperate need of oneL.

[ericasmom]

Hi Guys and Gals,

I have a minute: Lor, she should not have said that, but she is young, less able to really look at what a life looks like/feels like when we look forward without our Kids. And Lord knows, we don't want her to know but we sure get what you meant.

Sus, you sure are changing the way your home looks, and how nice to do this knowing that we all will be inside more with the winter. Good going.

Col, how wonderfully rewarding to know that the kids invited y ou to be there and in honor of their dear friend BRIAN> very cool. Is Aaron still grounded? Hopefully, will walk home too.

Loving you all,

dee

I walked to school today, a beautiful fall day. I love the fall. It took me 34 minutes to walk three miles. A good pace, a wonderful way to wake to the day.

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[mikesmomrs]

Sus: Good for you, painting and redoing...it is hard, but always so rewarding. I used to do all of that, too, but just can't do all that bending and twisting any longer. We have been changing out the doors in our house since we moved in...a few at a time. There is a guy who lives near us, Gil, who does odd jobs at very reasonable rates, and he has been putting them up for me. I got the last three doors last month, and he was going to put them up before his scheduled knee replacement...he got too busy and didn't get it done...they still are leaning against the cabinet in the dining room...do you think you could come over? Anyway, as for the "yellow" bug, you were right on with the red one you posted...red is "my" color, and yellow is Ralph's...but either color is nice to see...we like to think they are all little smiles from Mike...thank you for your thoughtfulness. Perhaps Mike was visiting you, yesterday, also? I think that Steph has introduced all of our angels to you...

Crystal...I am sorry, I don't remember reading any posts about Isabella (my brain is a sieve)...who is Isabella? Please, not to worry about not "acknowledging" Mike. Perhaps is you do make it back up this way, we could meet for lunch or something.

Lorri: I am sorry for the pain you felt when you read Carley's posting...perhaps, like Dee wrote, it is her immaturity that led to her quickness in her hurtful reply...be that as it may, I am sorry you had to endure it...as others have said, being without someone and wishing they were still here does not mean to wish anyone else "away"...it means just what it says...we wish they were still here.

Betty: YOU are a huge part of this "very understanding and compassionate group" and we all understand the feelings you are experiencing about posting or not posting.

Colleen: Your Sunday sounds full...the band...so thoughtful to remember Brian. Thanks for sharing. The football game...Mike wasn't much for football, but did consider himself a Dolphins fan...his best friend, Denis is a Bills fan, as is Sarah, so there were always heated discussions regarding football...I hope you have fun watching the game. Denis was here the other night and said that the Dolphins look pretty good this year, and the Bills are looking sad.

Trudi: Have fun at the movies...will be thinking of you!

Dee: Your walk sounds just beautiful...three miles in 34 minutes...wow! and, beautiful weather, to boot! When I used to walk, a 15 minute mile was considered by me to be a good one! The weather here has been really beautiful, up til about 4 pm yesterday...rainy, cold, very windy, lots of leaves coming down...Ralph's brother Clifton and Clifton's two daughters are coming to visit next Thursday from Mississippi...the oldest daughter has always wanted to see the New England foliage but I am afraid by the time they get here, she will be looking at it all on the ground. Clifton and his youngest daughter have already been here and seen it. As you all know, I am frazzled when someone is coming to visit.. wanting to have everything perfect, etc...well, it isn't likely to happen this time...I got the house pretty much cleaned up when my sister came, but that was almost a month ago...boy, for someone who can't stand clutter, I sure do create a lot of it!!

Kathy: Sorry about the craziness at work...hopefully things will settle down sometime soon for you. I am glad that Tavian was so excited about the new house...I can just picture him running around announcing all of his "decisions" about paint, etc., so cute! Must make your heart smile... When I worked at the hospital, they went through this "Total Quality Management" stuff, and let about 200 people go...on the premise that "everyone has an extra 15 minutes in their day that they don't utilize" so of course, the work of the 200 that were let go was "spread around." That was okay, til they started doing it every danged month...eventually mistakes were being made, etc., and they realized that maybe that "15 minutes" was needed for keeping one's brain working! Like you, though, we were all thankful to just have kept our job.

Betsy: Love the SOX...thanks!

Bonnie: Yes, it's nice to think that the RV you are renting may be the one that Jason had...maybe there is a way to find out...that is, if that is what you want to do. Or, perhaps just thinking it "might be" is good enough... When we go to a restaurant that Mike had been there with us, we usually leave it to random to see if we are seated in the same seat that we were in when he was last with us...when Cathi and I went the last time to one of them, we were seated right across from where he and I were sitting after his last birthday baseball game with me...I have a picture of him chowing down on a piece of their chocolate cake, which he truly loved...a catch in my throat at first, but then a good memory to keep us company while we were there.

You all were so thoughtful yesterday for Mike's angelversary...Dan, the picture was beautiful...everyone else, I felt like my heart was being carried by angel wings through the hours of the day...all of your thoughts and wishes holding me up. Thank you all again, so very much!

Tonight is our "Beatles Review" and I am really looking forward to it. I haven't heard from Sarah about whether she's told Damon yet or not...he is one Beatles maniac, for sure, so I know he will be just beside himself with happiness. I just hope he stays awake! The folilage/train trip we were going to take with Mike's older boys tomorrow may not take place...the weather is supposed to still be nasty...perhaps a movie instead. We did talk with both of them yesterday, but of course, they had school. They too find it hard to believe that it's been four years since they've seen their dad.

To all...thinking of you and holding you close in thought and prayer, as always...

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[mikesmomrs]

Karen: We must have been posting at the same time...your plans for tomorrow sound fine, and if that's all you can do, then so be it...I wish I could be there to help you make it through the day...I love the idea of doing the pumpkins...carrying on previous traditions can be difficult sometimes, but sometimes it is what gets us through, but only when we are ready. Perhaps those carving them could write a message on the back of their pumpkin...that is what Mike's boys have done in the past. Shawn will be right by your side...as always. I am sorry that Mark is having such a hard time...it truly is difficult to see your children in pain and not be able to take it away. I hope that Shawn's wife is able to carry out her plans...we each have to do what we need to do for ourselves. We will all be thinking of you and sending strength to you.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Karen (Shawnsmom)-----Thinking of you today, and tomorrow. (I might not be on BI tomorrow......my older son is

coming in for a weekend visit). Peace and comfort to you, friend.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SHAWN.

Carol-----Your drive home sounds so beautiful. N. England is so great in the fall with all the colors. Thanks for

the pic with the pumpkins and cornstalks. The hearts on the pumpkin are signs that Mike is with you always.

Betty-----Don't know if you were away from BI, but the little baby bunny died.....found it over in the garden, also

another little one several feet away. Most likely the mother rabbit was taken by some predator, and the little

ones left without her.......very cold nights. Sad, but then that is the way of nature. We buried them in the soybean

field.

Lorri----How is your dear Kody doing?

Dee----There is to be a candlelighting and names read for lost infants.....( lost due to miscarriage, or in infancy). It's

tonight, and I'm not sure I will be able to go, but I did put Lisa's name on the email address, given to list names/dates of the loss,

and they are to read the names during the candle lighting.

PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Dee-I don't know if I could keep up with you, especially early in the morning. If I walked to work, it would take quite a while, since its about 15 miles. I haven't been doing any walking lately, I've been in an exercise funk. Maybe I'll get back into it soon.

Colleen-I'm not sure, I'm guessing you're cheering for Wisconsin, so I'll go with you. UT is not doing that great this year, near wins don't count and they've had some of those. I know what you mean about celebration of life is for someone who got to live. If they had called Westley's service a celebration of life, I probably would have strangled somebody. We. Were. Not. Celebrating.

Susannah-You're putting me to shame with all your handy-manny-ness. I can't get any help much during deer season and when you live with a carpenter, there are certain standards that must be met on home improvement projects that I'm not able to achieve. So I usally wait for spring when I can get his attention, or at least late winter. We did a flurry of things last spring, and I guess he figures he's paid up for a while.

Carol-Enjoy the Beatles. When my daughter was little, she loved to listen to them. I hope you and the bigger boys have a good time, whatever you decide to do.

Karen-The pumpkin and balloon plans for Shawn's birthday sounds really nice. I hope the weather is nice for you. I know what you mean about the fog and about the confusion over whether or not anything we do matters. That is what I've been struggling with, well, one of the things. I had tried so hard to do the right thing and teach my kids to and still this happened. Sometimes I'm angry at God, and sometimes I'm just angry. Sometimes I have a conversation with somebody and when its over, I have no idea what they said, and even less idea what I said. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing Shawn a heavenly happy birthday.

Sherry-Enjoy your visit with your son. There is a candlelight service the first Sunday of December each year at the cemetery where Westley is buried. We've gone a few times in the past, right after my husband's grandmother died (she's buried there too), but not lately. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, with other people there, you know? I guess I'll just have to play that by ear.

Kathy-I've never been inside the apartment where Westley died. We went by there that day and picked up his car, but she didn't invite us in and we didn't know her very well. I can't even remember her name, it was his friend Taylor's mom's apartment. I hope the visit to the grand re-opening goes well and the food is good.

So, Mike loved chocolate cake. Westley loved patty melts, no onions, lots of ketchup. And potato soup with lots of cheese and bacon or ham. He put ketchup on almost everything he ate. He liked hot dogs with mashed potatoes and ketchup (I almost couldn't watch when that was on the menu, but his childhood babysitter made it for him and that's how he liked to eat them when we were at home) He ate his cheeseburger first, and then the fries instead of together, both with tons of ketchup and nothing else. He loved fried apples and apple pie and banana pudding ice cream, which is hard to find, but not impossible. He drank Mountain dew in the morning to wake up, and he liked Dr Pepper and Coke. Red Bulls, too. If he drank coffee, he put so much sugar in it that it looked thick. He smoked whatever he could afford, but I think he liked Marlboro Reds best. He loved Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Honey Bunches of Oats. He didn't eat salad or brocolli or cabbage or asparagus. That was all very difficult to write, I had to stop a few times to collect myself. I guess I haven't told you a whole lot about Westley and I thought I would today. Maybe I haven't because its still to hard to talk about or even think about. There are so many things that I remember about him that are like so many cuts, they sting and burn when I think of them. I know you know what I mean.

I know we can't live in the past, but that is where my thoughts are drawn so much of the time. And the future just seems so uncertain and dark and empty. Not completely empty, but nowhere near full. Enough of that for now, friends, I'll try to lighten up. Have a good day all.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, we can't live in the past forever, but for now it is where you need to be. It is like a stinging cut with each memory, but it is good somedays to pull those memories out into the light of day. From your old life comes the value that allows the grace in this life.

Love ya all

[nicksdad]

Wife sent this to me and have never seen it..thought i'd share for those

that may of never read it....

How We Survive

If we are fortunate,

we are given a warning.

If not, there is only the sudden horror,

the wrench of being torn apart;

of being reminded that nothing is permanent,

not even the ones we love,

the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.

We are all dancing on the edge of a precipice,

a dizzying cliff so high we can't see the bottom.

One by one, we lose those we love most

into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them without reservation.

Now.

Today.

This minute.

We will lose them or they will lose us someday.

This is certain.

There is no time for bickering.

And their loss

will leave a great pit in our hearts;

a pit we struggle to avoid

during the day and fall into at night.

Some,unable to accept this loss,

unable to determine the worth of life without them,

jump into that black pit spiritually or physically,

hoping to find them there.

And some survive

the shock,

the denial,

the horror,

the bargaining,

the barren, empty aching,

the unanswered prayers,

the sleepless nights

when their breath is crushed

under the weight of silence

and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,

like a flower opening after a storm,

they slowly begin to remember

the one they lost

in a different way...

The laughter,

the irrepressible spirit,

the generous heart,

the way their smile made them feel,

the encouragement they gave,

even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, they fill the pit

with other memories

the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.

We will always cry.

But with loving reflection

more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.

That is how the story should end.

That is how they would want it to be.

....poem was written by Mark Rickerby

[shorty16]

Dee - yes, AJ is still grounded. He can only have people over that I approve of. I am going to keep it that way for a long time. AJ is a tough one. He rebels if I tell him who can and cannot hang out with. But remember, AJ does not have his license. I also believe that Brian's accident really affected AJ, he is not screaming for his license

Colleen

[ModKonnie]

Wife sent this to me and have never seen it..thought i'd share for those

that may of never read it....

How We Survive

If we are fortunate,

we are given a warning.

If not, there is only the sudden horror,

the wrench of being torn apart;

of being reminded that nothing is permanent,

not even the ones we love,

the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.

We are all dancing on the edge of a precipice,

a dizzying cliff so high we can't see the bottom.

One by one, we lose those we love most

into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them without reservation.

Now.

Today.

This minute.

We will lose them or they will lose us someday.

This is certain.

There is no time for bickering.

And their loss

will leave a great pit in our hearts;

a pit we struggle to avoid

during the day and fall into at night.

Some,unable to accept this loss,

unable to determine the worth of life without them,

jump into that black pit spiritually or physically,

hoping to find them there.

And some survive

the shock,

the denial,

the horror,

the bargaining,

the barren, empty aching,

the unanswered prayers,

the sleepless nights

when their breath is crushed

under the weight of silence

and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,

like a flower opening after a storm,

they slowly begin to remember

the one they lost

in a different way...

The laughter,

the irrepressible spirit,

the generous heart,

the way their smile made them feel,

the encouragement they gave,

even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, they fill the pit

with other memories

the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.

We will always cry.

But with loving reflection

more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.

That is how the story should end.

That is how they would want it to be.

....poem was written by Mark Rickerby

Wonderful poem. Says it all, really, don't you think?

[lolynbo]

So, Mike loved chocolate cake. Westley loved patty melts, no onions, lots of ketchup. And potato soup with lots of cheese and bacon or ham. He put ketchup on almost everything he ate. He liked hot dogs with mashed potatoes and ketchup (I almost couldn't watch when that was on the menu, but his childhood babysitter made it for him and that's how he liked to eat them when we were at home) He ate his cheeseburger first, and then the fries instead of together, both with tons of ketchup and nothing else. He loved fried apples and apple pie and banana pudding ice cream, which is hard to find, but not impossible. He drank Mountain dew in the morning to wake up, and he liked Dr Pepper and Coke. Red Bulls, too. If he drank coffee, he put so much sugar in it that it looked thick. He smoked whatever he could afford, but I think he liked Marlboro Reds best. He loved Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Honey Bunches of Oats. He didn't eat salad or brocolli or cabbage or asparagus. That was all very difficult to write, I had to stop a few times to collect myself. I guess I haven't told you a whole lot about Westley and I thought I would today. Maybe I haven't because its still to hard to talk about or even think about. There are so many things that I remember about him that are like so many cuts, they sting and burn when I think of them. I know you know what I mean.

REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF KODY....IM SURE IT WAS HARD TO WRITE, BUT THANK YOU FOR SHARING...MADE ME SMILE, MADE ME SAD....

KODY IS OK THANK YOU FOR ASKING..HE HAS LOST 9 PDS...WE GO 28TH FOR BIOPSY.....I FEEL LIKE ITS GOING TO BE OK....THE NURSE CALLED THE OTHER DAY AND SAID HIS LEVELS WERE GOING DOWN AND ONE WAS NORMAL...WITH A BAD LIVER THEY CONTINUE TO GO UP NOT DOWN....THANK YOU FOR ASKING AGAIN

KOURTNEYS LIL FRIEND TEXTD ME LAST NIGHT SHE FELT CARLEY WAS REFERRING TO HER, SO WE HAVE BOTH DECIDED TO KEEP KOURTNEYS MEMORY ALIVE REGARDLESS WHAT CARLEY THINKS...SHE CAN DELETE US ON FB IF SHE WANTS...KIMBERLY ON THE OTHER HAND WANTS TO CLEAN HER CLOCK....

KATHY, THE SAME THING JUST HAPPEND TO KIMMY ABOUT SOME HAIR PRODUCT..."BEING FALSEY BLAMED FOR SOMETHING"....HER FRIEND THAT DOES HER HAIR WAS ON THE PHONE AND KIMBERLY ALWAYS GETS THIS PRODUCT...SHE SHOWED HER FRIEND THE PRODUCT AND SAID "I NEED THIS"...KIMMY THOUGHT SHE HEARD HER AND SHE PUT IT IN HER PURSE....NOW THE FRIEND SAYS KIMBERLY STOLE IT...(THE FRIEND ALWAYS GIVES HER THIS PRODUCT TOO)...KIMBERLY IS SO UPSET AND CRYING THEY HAVE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE KINDERGARTEN.....I TOLD HER ALL SHE CAN DO IS PAY FOR THE PRODUCT APPOLOGIZE AND LET CASSIDY TAKE IT FROM THERE.....

[summergirl]

Lorri - I know just how Kim feels - it breaks the heart to think a "friend" could accuse you of such a thing....please tell her I am sorry.....I think you are right and she should go and pay for it, however, an apology is not something she needs to give, she simply needs to tell her friend the truth - that she thought she heard her when she told her she needed the product - there is no reason for someone to apologize for something "they did not do" - just my thought. Whatever she wants to do is what she should do...

Karen - I am so sorry that you are feeling as though there is no future, we have all been there and know exactly how you feel. Going through a birthday (or any celebration / holiday) is a very diffacult thing. Your Shawn is right there with you although you do not see him and boy how we wish we could. The carving of the pumpkin sounds wonderful, do what is best for you and only what you can manage.....there is no time frame for this pain and suffering. Reliving the words, memories is something that can be painful and joyful...I find both still. Your other son is grieving his own way and as much as you want him to come to you it will only happen when he is ready....I pray that is soon for you as I can hear the pain when you speak of his suffering in silence. Hang on my friend...we are here.

Thank you all for your thoughts and words on our "move" - it is going to be ok....tomorrow we are going over to prime all the walls, or at least as much as my body can do.....then we will begin the paint, carpet and tile go in and then we can move in....hope to be in before Thanksgiving. Yes, it made my heart happy that Tavian is so excited about the move and I know that Jessica is right there beside him smiling her beautiful smile. It will be good when I can post pictures of his room for you all.

Dee - I love that you walked to work - there is nothing like a walk in the chilled air to bring you to life.....

Well the trip to the restaurant was very nice UNTIL my "friend" walked in with her hubby and decided "to join us at our table for dinner" at first they came over to say hi and the next thing I know she says "we will join you guys for dinner" and pulled over another chair, asked for a menu and that was that !!!! I would have thought she would get the hint when I said "the 3 of us were having dinner" but I guess I didn't explain myself good enough !!! Anyway, the dinner was great, Tavian loved it, it is a nice family place. I finally made the trip to the bathroom....took a deep breath, walked in and there were the flowers in a beautiful vase....put there for my Jessica....I smiled and then the tears came but had to take another breath and walk out trying to smile so Tavian would not see....He does not know that was where Jessica was, the day will come when I will tell him. I talked to Nicole for a bit and she said that some of the people who worked on getting the restaurant ready knew Jessica and they told her they knew she was there, they could feel her presence.....my heart smiled.

Well time to watch a movie with Tavian and then get some sleep - busy day tomorrow. Love, Peace and Strength to all....Kathy

Dan - LOVE, LOVE the poem....thanks for sharing, I have never read it....

[lolynbo]

there for my Jessica....I smiled and then the tears came but had to take another breath and walk out trying to smile so Tavian would not see....He does not know that was where Jessica was, the day will come when I will tell him. I talked to Nicole for a bit and she said that some of the people who worked on getting the restaurant ready knew Jessica and they told her they knew she was there, they could feel her presence.....my heart smiled.

WAS THIS THE LAST RESTRAURANT JESSICA WAS AT?...DID I MISS THAT OR AM I WRONG...

[Guest msnher]

I only have about 6 1/2 minutes before Gary gets home with the kids so I'm posting really fast....I'll read more tonight or tomorrow. I really want to read the poem posted by Dan...I think he posted it....

I want to share a profound thought that was shared with me today by a member of BI ... she says another member of BI shared it with her. For me, it is life changing or at least comforting, so I'm posting it. I'm not giving direct credit because I don't want to speak out of turn......they know who they are...

Anyway, here it is....."we never learn to accept our child's death....what we learn to accept is ourselves in this new reality/normal." I may not be saying it right, but it was exactly what I needed to hear today! I'm different. I know I'm different. But.....I have been trying to get back to the old Susannah. Trying to resurrect a woman that died on 8-9-09 has been a frustrating process and quite frankly, I think, the basis for the bitterness I found myself drifting into. The fact is I'm never going to be her again. I might be better or stronger but the Pollyanna Susannah is gone. I've painted the walls.....cut my hair to about 1/2 inch on my head....had sod put in, etc..........in the end none of it made me feel better. Well, not for very long anyway. The reason is I was running back wards in time trying to be the woman I lost the day my daughter died. Back wards always ends up in the same spot..........in an ER room standing over my daughter's body. Now I have to look in the mirror and ACCEPT ME as the woman I am now...as the woman I am becoming. I'm not quite sure who that is, yet.

Thanks "Friend" for sharing that with me today...and thanks to the friend who shared it with you.

Carol - I am sure Stephanie has met all of our angels. She never knew a stranger.

Time's up!

Back to the paint brush...........oh....after this is done, I never plan on painting again! Well....never again until I change my mind.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Dan, I love that poem, it is at this point in the journey what I feel, what I hope everyone can hang on and keep on walking forward so that one day they too will feel the sensation of life again, and will welcome those memories in joy rather than in despair. It is a huge change, and with time and effort and kinship, like we have here, we get there. Indeed we still cry, but we learn to live with happiness again. Thanks for posting it, thank your wife for sharing it as well.

Col, glad that you are showing AJ that you care deeply and because of that, you are going to do what you are doing. I know that the weekend is going to be great with all you have planned.

Rhonda, your sharing of Westley today was sweet and allowed us a bigger picture of your Sweet Son. Thanks for sharing. Eri Loved Food, from the time she was a baby, she actually growled at 7 months when Jonathan and his buddy Stephen were eating a beef sandwich, (they were 3 years old). I was sitting there with Eri and the boys and I had some Baby kinds of food but when the beef sandwich arrived, she smelled the aroma and began to growl and point. Well no turning back, from that day forward, no more baby-like food. Nope. She ate the soft parts of the bread soaked by the meat. A meat eater was born. She tried as a 12 year od, and again as a 15 year old to become a vegetarian, morally loved the idea but her meat eating ways would not allow it for more than a few days in a row. She ate a ton of veggies too, and fruit, that girl ate well.

My great news of the day is that My Son passed his real estate exams today. Thank you God and Erz and Michael.

[summergirl]

Yes Lorri - it is where Jessica took her last breath, it is the restaurant she was at for dinner with her friends. She went to use the bathroom and was gone for awhile, her friends became concerned and knocked on the door, she did not answer, one of them got down on there knees and looked under the bottom of the door and could see her hair....they broke the door down......

[ericasmom]

Dear Indigos, I have a request for prayers and hope to be sent to a Mom of a young lady who died one year ago next week and whose birthday is tomorrow, Alicia Lizette. This note is from her Mom, who also is the Mom of one of my former students, Ashley. This family is experiencing what so many of us already know to be the hardest times, the first year mark of their loss.Mom reads posts at times and asked that I put her Daughter's information here, knowing that this group of people would definitely hold them in thought and heart.

My daughter's full name Alicia Lizette Marsden, her birth date October 16th, 1982 and her angel date is October 20th, 2009. She is sadly missed by her 2 children Gabriel and Alyssa Ambrocio, little sister Ashley her Mom and many cousins, aunts and uncles. Thank you

[josephsmom90]

I will keep this family in my prayers.

Elaine

[Guest msnher]

Dan - Love the poem. Thank you for posting it.

Karen - Carving pumpkins and taking them to Shawn's plot sounds like something he would appreciate. I, too, felt like I was in a fog. I think that's natural (for us). You are so new to this horrible journey we've been thrust on. Please don't expect too much of yourself right now.

Rhonda - Oh gosh do I understand having a conversation with someone and having no idea what was said! I still sometimes drift off to "nowhere" land in the middle of a conversation. Sometimes I stop talking mid sentence, forgetting I was talking in the first place. The day of Stephanie's service I kept asking what day it was.........over and over. It was a Friday. I would then ask what "tomorrow" was. I couldn't remember what day came after Friday. My sister compares losing a child to losing a limb. It's beginning to feel like that for me, but in the beginning (it's still the beginning when compared to "forever) it felt more like having to function in the middle of a major heart attack. Having all your breath sucked out of you and somehow your lungs still work. What's up with that? Learning how to swim in quicksand.

Sherry - I hope you and your son have a good visit full of love and good memories.

Dee - Special prayers for the family of Alicia Lizette Marsden! Please send your mom and family extra love and signs you still are near them, Sweet Alicia...

Kathy - I admire the strength you showed by going to the restaurant and especially to the bathroom. Was the "friend" who joined you for dinner the one who accused you of stealing from her?

Colleen - Aaron's grounded? Is this the old grounding or a new one?

Rhonda (PS) -Lucky you to live with a carpenter! We definitely are NOT professionals. The proof is on the walls....and the floor...and the trim...and me!

Nite all..

Love you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[josephsmom90]

Hello everyone,

Today has been a tough one for me. Full of busy-ness, memories, grief, and tears. We had to go to the city for eye exams so I did the shopping while we were down there. And of course I had to HURRY! I hate that!!! Especially when I have to travel 120 ish miles. Grrrr, Michael did not want to miss all this home coming stuff and it turns out is sucked! Was to cold for him, had to go get him early! GRRRRRRRRRRR

Driving down roads where I lived when I learned of Joseph's dissapearance, his death, where I was, where I went next. We were right by a gas station where I stopped that day to pick up smokes, I wanted to get Michael a gatoraid, but I could not bring myself to stop there. He said why didn't you stop there, I didn't tell him. I just said I want to stop at this one. Then home to a movie, and for crying out loud, was the Ledgends of the Fall, and well I have been even more down since that!!

I've changed dramatically. Of course, like you all, I'll never be the same. Sometimes, I just don't want to be at all! I am weary! I am sick of fighting, clawing, scratching and begging, breathing. This whole life has sucked more often than not. That's enough for now, the kid is getting out of the shower and I have to keep myself together. Your all still in my prayers.

Peace.

Elaine

[heartbeataway]

Alicia Lizette Marsden

Alicia Lizette Marsden

Alicia Lizette Marsden

Alicia Lizette Marsden

Alicia Lizette Marsden

Alicia Lizette Marsden

Alicia Lizette Marsden

300FBFBE-F008-DC26-1BB5-765664DD600C1.02.28

[ericasmom]

Thanks for the support of Alicia's family, it has been a painful journey getting to this time. They persevere however, just as we all have because they must. I know seeing Alicia Lizette's name in writing here will go a long way to helping them know that she will live on in the hearts adn minds of many, and that those ahead of them on this road are still leaving footfalls for their weary steps.

Elaine, I am sorry that there is so much frustration and weariness going on in your life right now. It is a battle I know to just keep going. Some days one wonders why bother...we have all been there with that thought. You have had a tough life, lot's of heartache, but here you are for some reason, standing where others cannot and finding ways to make life better for you and your Boy. Blessings.