Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Lorri-I don't think you're crazy. If it was closer I might go to the cemetery more than once a week. My sister said the day changes after she goes there. Its closer to her house. I don't know how often she goes, we don't talk about it much. She's older than me by four years and she has told me that if this had happened to her, she'd lose her mind. Maybe so, and maybe I have and maybe that's the only way to get through it. Westley was the youngest grandchild on my side of the family. My mother still hasn't been to the cemetery, I don't think she can bear to.

Kathy-So hard to look at those things that bring back memories of happy times. It sounds backwards, even to me, it seems like you'd want to look at those things. But the feelings flooding though you can hurt so bad flowing over the raw spot left when they went away. We haven't moved since Westley was 4 months old, so I don't have any moving tips, but try to pace yourself so you don't get overwhelmed. I'm glad you had good weather this weekend, and we even got a little rain last night, which was good weather for us, we're really dry around here.

Colleen-Sometimes not being able to pay attention is a blessing, isn't it? Maybe next week will be better for you. We had the game on, but I wasn't watching, I was reading most of the evening. Is anybody else a Stephen King fan? I have almost all of his books, and I'm re-reading them. I read so fast when its new that I forget a lot of it, so some of it is like I've never read it before. Was it you that was reading the mind-bending book?

Dee,Lynn,Colleen-I hope they get to the bottom of what's going on with Favre. These guys need to operate by the same rules as everyone else as far as how they treat others. It is very sad that the respect given to women is sometimes dependent on whose watching. But isn't that what they say about character, that its what you do when you think no one is looking? A lot of the powerful people in our country lack character and its disheartening.

I got a thing from the bank about Westley's checking account. The last activity on it was the day after he died, a debit card transaction that posted after midnight for probably a pack of cigs or a Red Bull. I like getting the bank statement with his name on it, so I haven't closed the account. I know I need to, just to get it done, but I'm afraid to go to the bank and break down in the lobby. I started to ask my daughter to do it, she works at our bank, but I didn't want to put that on her. I brought the death certificate with me today, just in case I get up the nerve. And then I don't know what to do with the money. Its not much money, but it was his. I still have a 50 that he paid me back some money that he owed me that says "Mom" in his handwriting on it, where he marked it when he cashed his check. I put it in the safe.

[mikesmomrs]

Good morning to all my wonderful indigo friends...we have appointments today that will keep us out, so I wanted to come on before we leave and wish everyone a good day today. Today is Ralph's birthday...I am so very thankful that he is here to enjoy it and we have him still with us.

Yes, Susannah, it was me who said that Mike told me I couldn't die because he did...those words run through my brain all the time...he knew what I would be like... thank you for sharing your nephew's words to your sister. As for Stephanie...you can still keep her ashes at the house, and have a stone for her, if you wish. This is what we did...we just felt the need to have a place to go and just "be," even though we can do that just anywhere, it just was something that we wanted to do. Sarah, also felt that need. We sprinkled a small amount of ashes into the ground before the stone was set...this is something his boys wanted to do, also. Kathy: So glad that you had a good time at the beach. I totally understand the emotions coming with the packing, especially when you are handling those things specifically for Jessica. When we moved, most of Mike's things were already packed, but it seemed that every day we would find something tucked away somewhere unexpected. Many tears fell. Sonya; So special, having lunch with Mattie...such a good thing to do.

Elaine: So glad to see you back and hear that you are okay, and Michael's leg is healing. Sending good wishes for your upcoming month of March, filled with adventure and new undertakings. Trudi: I love the scent of freshias, my favorite, next to gardenias. Being able to "speak" with all here is truly a gift for all of us...a true avenue of help in the healing and maintaining. Rhonda: I don't know if I could ever part with that 50 with Westley's writing on it. As for the checking account, Sarah told me that she still hasn't been able to take Mike's name off of theirs. Mike was a huge fan of Stephen King, as is his sister...they used to share the books and reread them, also.

Lorri: No, I don't think there is anything wrong with you because you go the cemetery every day...we all need to do what we need to do to get through this, and if that is something that you do, then there is nothing "wrong" with it. Dee: Glad that you felt peaceful sitting by Eri's site, and spending the day. I am glad that you at least have room for a chair, to sit and feel the memories and what healing will come. I agree, it just doesn't seem right that a certain "number of plots" have to be purchased to have an upright stone...or any other such restrictions.

We did get up to Mike's site and put up the corn stalks and pumpkins. I may go back today and put some mums... The grass was beginning to grow over the edges of the stone again, so I got that trimmed, also. Then we just sat there for a bit, just being there. Dan, the work you did for Nick's site was just awesome...I know it will look beautiful when the grass grows in. You work so hard to make it nice, and it shows.

I did get a reply from my sister about the note I sent to her for her children's angelversary. She wrote and said "thank you," then told me that she and my sister-in-law spent the day touring the John Quincy Adams House, near where they live---they toured the grounds as well. She said that it was really beautiful and it "helped to pass the day." So, I think that my note did help instead of hurt, which makes me feel better about having sent it. I know that when her husband was alive (he died about 8 years ago), they used to go to the mountains in New Hampshire during the week of the kids' angelversary as they did not want to be in town, and I am glad that she and our sister-in-law are close now and she can be with her for the day. Thank you all for your kind words.

Four years ago, on this day, Mike lost his ability to speak. In the early morning, when he woke up, I went to his bedside and after saying good morning, I asked him if he knew what today was. He looked up at me and said "It's dad's birthday" and smiled a big smile at me. The smile stayed on his lips, as he looked out at the rain-soaked leaves slapping against the window by his bed, and he drifted off to sleep again. On Mike's birthday, two months before, he had asked his dad "So, dad, what goal should I work towards now---Thanksgiving?" They talked about it, and decided that his dad's birthday would be the next "goal." Just two weeks before his dad's birthday, Mike became unable to get out of bed any longer, so we really didn't know if that goal would be reached. We should have known better...we'd experienced Mike's determination all his life... Later in the morning, I went out to pick up Ralph's cake, and when I got back, Mike woke up shortly after. It was then that we learned that Mike could no longer speak. The blessed part of it was that he didn't seem to even realize it. He just opened his mouth to speak, and when nothing came out, he just smiled and closed his eyes briefly. He soon slept again, waking briefly on and off throughout the day. When Cathi brought in his dad's cake, he woke up and "mouthed" the words to happy birthday to his dad. When the song ended, he looked up at me and gave me a smile and a "thumb's up" sign. He closed his eyes again, and dozed off and on. We had gotten Kentucky Fried for Ralph's birthday and Mike had a couple of bites. Sarah came in to begin giving Mike some supper, but just couldn't hold herself together for very long, and not wanting him to see her like that, turned it over to me. So, I sat there and fed my son for the last time...he even had a couple of small bites of cake. It was the last time he would eat solid food, but he was so proud for having accomplished this goal of being there for his dad's birthday, and we were all happy for him, while inside our hearts were on fire with pain.

If there can be any "blessed" aspect of dying from brain cancer, I am very thankful that Mike was blessed with not realizing what was going on...as his abilities slowly left him, he seemed almost unaware of it. So fiercely independent all of his life, it was such a blessing that it didn't seem to bother him that he couldn't get out of bed, and then when he couldn't eat by himself, and then came his loss of speech. It was almost as if he was just totally unaware of these losses, but yet he remained aware that we were there with him and talking to him and developed other means of letting us know this, either by a smile, or a squeeze of our hand or just his facial expressions. And for all of that I am truly and eternally thankful. I sometimes wonder how different it might have been, had he not had those two final weeks confined to bed...the memories are so profound and so comforting at times...and other times my heart splits yet again, painfully remembering what I cannot forget. Thank you all for "listening." I am blessed once again, to have you here, to be able to speak of the unspeakable. love and peace for this day, carol mikesmomrs

[lostwoher]

Just a brief note concerning the hype about Brett Farve- this 'incident' happened 2 years ago and was investigated with nothing found. Its another way for reporters to get a story. I wasnt involved so I take very little to mind about it. Mr Farve is/was good at his game but ...

[ericasmom]

Lynn, I agree that it was some time ago, but I am just kind of sick of all the stupidity of stars these days, whether it be sports, movie, or just plain in your face bigwigs like politicians, as though the rules don't apply. When you use the internet to send photos, well, stupid! NO amount of greatness can delete what has been put out there.

It does not just mean men nor does it mean only famous, I try to let my students know that no matter who you are, rules do apply. Mistakes happen, own them, just like you own your trophies and medals.

Rhonda, it is very hard to close out accounts, I remember doing that with Michael, Eri and Jon's Dad, and we had a very hard time with it. We had to put her account into her estate until our court battles were done. That is when I found out that Michael had never returned to the cemetery and I realized how desperately alone he was in his grief. He was always locked up inside, one wonders how we ever got together in the first place, I am the open book he is closed, but for a while we complimented each other. I told him that day that I could help him go there if he felt like going, but he didn't, said he did not ever want to go back there. I don't blame him, but for me it has been a mostly good place for peaceful visits, not in the beginning though, it was a smear of tears and snot as the sobbing took hold each time I entered the gates. I was going to have Erz cremated, Michael agreed, but Jonathan asked for a place in which to visit, he wanted her to have a grave, so we honored his wishes. Don't know if he can go there either. He can be closed up like a clam too but not as much as his Daddy.

Rhonda, what it you used the money for you and your Husband to bestow upon someone on the Christmas neediest list in town. You could shop for a y oung boy who might not otherwise have gifts. I find this a healing way to keep someone close, to give in the name of your loved one.

Carol, as you unfold your memories (rememories) I know how your heart feels, kind of squishiy and mushy at times, and at other times, breakable and fragile. The dicotomy of memories, the beauty and the dark. Keep telling your story, it is beautifully told, and a tribute to the times that are forever etched in your lives.

[shorty16]

Now there are 2 Chicago Bears fans on this site - Lynn and Dee - OOOHHHH.

We are suppose to be rivals, but I love you two too much for that.

Good luck to all of us.

This Favre incident was 2 years ago. He will be cleared. I think Brett is a stand-up guy, just cannot seem to grow up. I read the book: Favre. Very good.

Love you all, no matter what team you root for!!!!!

Colleen

[westleysmom]

Carol-No I won't be ever using that 50. He had also written me a check on January 8 for his car payment. I asked him about it that Friday afternoon and he went in his room and wrote me a check while I stood there in the doorway. He spelled my name wrong, Rhoda without an "n". He'd never done that before, I guess he was just in a hurry. I stuck it in the console of the car and it was still there when we went to the funeral home on the 13th. I hadn't had a chance to go to the bank. Its still there now. Sometimes I get it out and look at it, but not very often. I just like to keep it there. I keep thinking that 9 months ago today was the last happy day I remember. It wasn't that great, of course, we'd had the argument on Monday night and I didn't get much sleep. But it was the last morning that I woke up and thought he was alive and he really was. Wednesday morning when my cell phone rang on the charger in the den (or I wouldn't have been able to hear it), it woke us up and I thought he was surely in his room because he'd told me the night before he woud be home by 11:00 or 11:30. I went in there and he wasn't and the nightmare started, or my awareness of it anyway. It sometimes seems like one very long, horrible, no-good day since that moment. I am glad that your memories of Mike's last few weeks give you some comfort when they are not breaking your heart open again. I guess that didn't come out right, but you know what I mean. I hope Ralph has a happy birthday, it must be hard since it is so close to Mike's angel date, but I guess we have to try.

Dee-Men (in my world anyway) handle their grief so differently. I know my husband is still in a great deal of pain but he doesn't want to talk about it much. I thought at one time about using the money for my granddaughter, you know for special things that her Uncle Westley would have bought her over the years. But it would make everybody else feel sad if I got her something and wrapped it up and said it was from him, and confusing for her to say the least. I just would like to keep her memories of him from fading and I guess it is inevitable that she will forget him completely. I have pictures of her and him, I have a whole set of pictures when she was very small that she's laughing at him. You can't see him, he's behind me making her giggle. It is making me cry just thinking about it. Oh hell, everything makes me cry. Its just one of those days where the abyss is calling.

[daniellemom]

Rhonda - I've still not closed out Danielle's accounts, sad I know. Still have not cleared her room of her things. I know I should, it's not that I go in her room very often, but when I want to I can and it's still her room. I also have her shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom and it's been 3 years, maybe I'm crazier than I thought. Timmy, my husband goes to the grave each day sometimes twice. I don't feel the need to go. At first, Timmy got upset with me and asked why I didn't go. A wise women here(Dee)taught me men and women grieve differently and what is wrong for some will be right for others. So I told him you do what you have to do to deal and I will do the same. Since then we are fine. If I feel like going I go if not I don't. Dee also taught me to go and sit and talk her Danielle. The people here are great I know you know that and they give such great adivce.

Carol - Thinking of you this week and you approach the Mike's angel date.

Again - Thank you everyone who thought and prayed for me and my family yesterday you are all such wonderful friends that have helped me keep living each day.

Kathy - Good luck with the new house and packing up your things. Just know that Jessica is helping you pack and will be right there with you and Tav and her daddy in the new house.

Colleen - So glad to hear that your party was a hit. Good luck with your Christmas plans.

[lostwoher]

I totally agree Dee.

Ive always been a Bears fan but Randy is trying really really hard to convert me to the Vikings side. I let him think he has succeeded . I havent read his ( Brett Farve) book but I did read Jim McMahon's (Chicago Bears Q.B.) back in '85. Pretty interesting.

Go TEAMS!

[lostwoher]

Sunday, 10-10-10 was my birthday. Kinda cool on a kinda cool date. No big deal just wanted to share.

Today is day 3 of not working and I am so relaxed and getting caught up on reading all the posts. I closed Kayla's acct mostly because she lived in her own apt and I didnt want the mail to end up at that apt by mistake. I was fortunate enough to have my sister work there so she was able to handle it all for me.

Thinking of you all and sending virtual hugs all around.

[westleysmom]

Happy Belated Birthday Lynn! That was my daughter's friend's birthday too, she mentioned it yesterday. Last year my daughter' b-day was 09/09/09. Are you off all week? Enjoy your time off if you can. I can't yet, but maybe someday I will. Mostly I can't wait for Monday to come back around.

Sonya I haven't done anything in Westley's room at all. He had gotten some guy body stuff for Christmas, you know bath/shower stuff. He loved to smell good, I had told his Granny to get it for him since she was trying to think of something for him to have to open. Its still sitting there, along with the kind I got him. Sometimes I do go in there and spray a little of it. I close my eyes and I breathe it in and I go back out without doing anything else, well after I cry for a while I mean. I just can't bring myself to change it, so I totally understand and we are not crazy. I don't think I have to close the account just yet, I just was feeling like I should. Maybe it won't hurt to wait a little longer.

Dee-I forgot to tell you that it does make me feel better to know that you and most all the others here (there may be a few holdouts) don't think I'm crazy. I know the standards for people who haven't lost a child are different than our's and we can't hold ourselves to their standard anymore than they can hold to our's. I don't mean standards like "we have to live up to them" standards, I mean what most people do or think most of the time. Most parents don't have to go to the cemetery or the curio cabinet to visit their children, they can just call them or get in the car and go see them. We have to do things differently now to feel close to our angels, and those parents can't begin to comprehend what lengths we sometimes have to go to or what it costs us emotionally/spiritually. It helps to know that all of us here have a foot in both worlds, this one and the next.

[daniellemom]

Happy Belated Birthday yesterday! 10-10-10 pretty big day!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[krichie]

My husband summed up something yesturday.

He came in and said his heart was hardening up- I immediatly thaught collesterol or heart problems, but he said no. His heart now has a hard shell not much can touch it now, after losing Richie and it bursting and breaking it has now formed a hard shell he does not feel emotional pain or other stuff as much. I think you all will understand what he was trying to convey. I gues I feel the same way. I know somethings should hurt my feelings or my pride but I don't look at things the same as I did before. Nothing compares to losing a child and nothing will heal that lost, but the scar tissue protects us from other things.

As you all know Richie was killed by a drunk driver. One of our good friends was picked up a few nights ago for DUI/OUI. I want to slap him and ask did Richies death mean so little that you could take the chance of killing someone another persons child, do you not see the pain we suffer everyday because of a drunk. I am so mad and have lost all my respect for this person, I don't think I can ever look him in the eye again, he is one of my husbands best friends so not sure how this will effect us as a couple. I will understand my husbands support for his friend but I will not join him in that support. My husband does seem pretty disappointed we have not really discussed it.

Rhonda- those men scents- Richie loved old spice, I never really cared for it but he did leave some here in our bathroom so when he came back from work and before heading home he could clean up some. I occasionally spray it just to relive a moment or two with him. When I put some of his cloths in totes I made sure to put some old spice soap bars in with them in a baggy so it would not be to strong but would carry the scent.

Carol - still crying from reading your post about the birthday. What a strong person Mike is. To not be able to say the words but to convey them. He was surronded by so much love, I can feel it thru reading your post.

Lynn- happy belated birthday. It is pretty cool to have a date fall like that 10.10.10

All BI's thank you for returning again and again and posting your days, your thaughts, your struggles, your success's. I can not reply to all and could never do justice to what you all said and continue to say. You have given me encouragement when I needed some and always help my day go by a little smoother.

[trentsdad]

I got a thing from the bank about Westley's checking account. The last activity on it was the day after he died, a debit card transaction that posted after midnight for probably a pack of cigs or a Red Bull. I like getting the bank statement with his name on it, so I haven't closed the account. I know I need to, just to get it done, but I'm afraid to go to the bank and break down in the lobby. I started to ask my daughter to do it, she works at our bank, but I didn't want to put that on her. I brought the death certificate with me today, just in case I get up the nerve. And then I don't know what to do with the money. Its not much money, but it was his. I still have a 50 that he paid me back some money that he owed me that says "Mom" in his handwriting on it, where he marked it when he cashed his check. I put it in the safe.

When Trent died, I donated all the money he had in his account to his favorite teacher at school to use to help with her computer lab. He enjoyed helping her set up the lab and that was his favorite class and the reason he went to school.

[summergirl]

My husband summed up something yesturday.

He came in and said his heart was hardening up- I immediatly thaught collesterol or heart problems, but he said no. His heart now has a hard shell not much can touch it now, after losing Richie and it bursting and breaking it has now formed a hard shell he does not feel emotional pain or other stuff as much. I think you all will understand what he was trying to convey. I gues I feel the same way. I know somethings should hurt my feelings or my pride but I don't look at things the same as I did before. Nothing compares to losing a child and nothing will heal that lost, but the scar tissue protects us from other things.

Your husband is right...nothing compares to losing a child. I find that my feelings are not hurt by the little things any more. I do not worry about what others think of me, how they feel, I worry about me, Tavian and Barry....everyone else is just passing through my life and if they want to be in my life then great and if not then I am ok with that too.....so many people feel they need to have a best-friend or be the in the center of everything - me, I am just happy to have what I have, what I had and I have more best friends then anyone I know and they are all here on BI !!

I too still have things that Jessica had...her hand lotion, favorite perfume, the last bottle of conditioner she had (she used alot with her hair), I even have cans of vegetables that she had in her cabinet !! So what...call me crazy, I don't care....

Someone told me that maybe Tavian has a hard time going to sleep in his room because he doesn't really feel like it is "his room" - he knows it was his mommy's room as I have talked about all the things she used to do and had in "her bedroom" - What do you think ?? Maybe the move to the other house will make him feel like it is "his bedroom" ??? Makes me think !!!

Well, tomorrow is the last day for my boss and 11 other people...all retiring...it is going to be so different and alot more work for me but I am looking forward to the change...seems like alot is changing in my life and I am doing everything I can to be positive and keep telling myself "this is a good thing"....

Dee - always love your words

Lorri - so sweet leaving a coke for Kourtney !! Beautiful...

I am so sorry about your husbands best-friend driving drunk !!! It is so hard to understand why people do what they do especially knowing what you are enduring...I would give him the biggest smack down and let him know exactly what you think and feel about what he did...I am so sorry.

Love. peace and strength to all, Kathy

[lolynbo]

I too still have things that Jessica had...her hand lotion, favorite perfume, the last bottle of conditioner she had (she used alot with her hair), I even have cans of vegetables that she had in her cabinet !! So what...call me crazy, I don't care....

MAKES PERFECT SENCE TO ME...I HAVE KOURTNEYS LOTON, ALL HER SUNGLASSES (OVER 7 PAIRS) THE CLOTHES SHE WAS WEARING AT THE HOSP AN SHOES..(STILL IN BAG) WHATS LEFT OF HER HAIR...(THAT WE HAVENT LET GO ON VACATIONS....HER WEDDING THINGS, HER CHECK BOOK, HER KEYCHAINS, SO MANY THINGS I WILL NEVER PART WITH...IF MY HOUSE BURNS IM GETTN HER STUFF FIRST THEN MY ANIMALS THEN MY CRAP..

[lolynbo]

JUST NOW WHY DOES IT TAKE MY BREATH AWAY WHEN I LOOK AT PICS OF MY GIRL....I ALMOST QUIT BREATHING AND SOMETIMES I WISH I CLD

[ericasmom]

LYNN< HAPPY BELATED ON 10-10-10. Super date for your special day. Did you celebrate in any way? Glad that you are relaxing, three days off allows that. I had a three day weekend and I did relax.

Krichi, I would certainly see why you would be disappointed in your friend for drinking and driving. My girl did not lose her life to a drunk driver, but I get very mad at my peer for ever drinking and driving, that somehow they think that they won't get in an accident makes me sick. This will be hard to not talk about and I hope it does not put too much pressure on your marriage.

Rhonda, we all do what we can when we can. Nobody else gets to suggest anything else unless we ask them, and you can kindly let them know that if someone tries. You can say, thanks for your advice, had I asked for it, I would appreciate it more. Boom! I am mean aren't I? NOt really, but one thing I really don't have patience for in this new world, is ignorance. I totally get that others don't know what we go through to get through a single day, so I let them know that and ask them to try to understand that everyones reality does not involve their child being alive. It usually works to make some think, some run the other way, and some simply pretend that they were just trying to help. We are different, we look the same in most ways but our brains work differently now. We are jumpy, we are tired, we are scared, we are lonely, we are sad, we are stronger than most, we are learning, we are communicating with our angels, we are shattered adn trying to find glue...I listened to a soldier on a radio show this morn on my way to work, he has PTSD, which many of us have suffered, me included. He said that old friends or family come up to him and say, "well you look good you look like your old self. "

and he says, "But I am not fine, I am not my old self. I will never be quite who I was but I am working to be someone I can be proud of."

That is what I hope too, that I can do things in my everyday that make me happy for the day, and that Erica would be proud of.

Sonya, such nice words from you, thanks. If my thoughts ever lent you some help then I am very happy. I think one thing we all eventually feel on this site is, if I have to go through such sadness, then I will reach out and help the next one up just like those that helped me. You have turned around and lent your words, your knowledge and support to those later on the journey, and likewise, they have done the same...we are a circle of hope, of love, and of friendship. We are a community. Love you.

Kath, glad that the move is not making you too afraid right now. There will be goodness in this move.

Carol, I agree, the love of that Mike, the devotion that you shared/ and continue to share is amazingly strong and inspirational. Thanks for sharing adn HUGS TO RALPH>

Trents Mom, what a wondrous way to celebrate the Boy you love so much. I know he smiled on that act of goodness.

[Guest msnher]

I don't remember when I picked up Stephanie's last paycheck, but I did. And, I cashed it. Steph's older sister reminded me to pick up the check several times before I actually did. Afterward she told me they (she and Steph's coworkers) were shocked I actually picked up the check. It was said with an aura of judgment or perhaps I just felt judged or guilty or whatever. I felt so guilty when I finally applied for survivors benefits through social security for her children. "They" asked me why I waited so long to apply (a full year). I told them I could hardly brush my teeth let alone go out in public. They didn't ask any more questions. I'm sure the questions were just procedure but I felt so guilty for not only getting money but for asking for it.

I still have all her things packed away and in the garage as it was when we picked it up. That was a hard day. I still sneak out to the garage and smell her things. I've begun to go through her stuff several times, but haven't been able to pull it off, yet.

krichie, I agree with your husband.

My husband and I went to see "Life as we knew it" with Katherine haegle Friday and we both cried. He cried on the way home and talked about how her death will throw him for a loop out of nowhere.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

MAKES PERFECT SENCE TO ME...I HAVE KOURTNEYS LOTON, ALL HER SUNGLASSES (OVER 7 PAIRS) THE CLOTHES SHE WAS WEARING AT THE HOSP AN SHOES..(STILL IN BAG) WHATS LEFT OF HER HAIR...(THAT WE HAVENT LET GO ON VACATIONS....HER WEDDING THINGS, HER CHECK BOOK, HER KEYCHAINS, SO MANY THINGS I WILL NEVER PART WITH...IF MY HOUSE BURNS IM GETTN HER STUFF FIRST THEN MY ANIMALS THEN MY CRAP..

We have quite a bit of Jason's things also. Because he was transported by ambulance and there was an investigation into his death, his "personal belongings" were kept by the police.

When we went to the police station to pick them up, we were handed an envelope and in it was his silver money clip with $90.00, his license, costco card, AmEx card, etc .....

I will never spend that money or separate the items from his money clip. One of his friends wanted it but I can't part with it.

It's the box we had in storage marked "for our grandchildren" that's hardest to me. His first teddy bear, his stuffed snoopy, his bald headed cabbage patch doll, his Fischer Price Projector, the baby blanket my grandmother made for him ............ all the things carefully packed away to share with his children, our grandchildren.

Tough times when those memories visit ......

[mikesmomrs]

The things that belonged to our child, that meant something to them, that we now have, that we can't part with, that will stay with us...we all know that they are nothing as compared to what we lost, but they are that connection, that "rememory" that holds us intact...sometimes others will judge and say "just get rid of it, what good can it do you now?" I hope they never have a reason to understand. We have many things of Mike's, but a lot of his "current items" (i.e., shaving stuff, etc.), of course, Sarah has.

Mike's "munchy mouse" (a small grey stuffed mouse, about 8-9" tall), is in Damon's "treasure box" that Sarah has prepared for him, among many other things that she has put in there. She prepared one for each of the boys, that first Christmas that Mike was not here. In them are concert tickets, baseball tickets, movie ticket stubs (yes, he kept them all, and he went to many, many movies) programs, some of his "childhood treasures," a few pictures that he took at concerts, pics of him with the boys, drawings the boys did for him that he had kept, everything lovingly put in those boxes with the intent that his boys will treasure them, and they do, thankfully, they do. Not Damon, not yet...he doesn't understand, but the older boys take their box out now and then and go through it, looking it over, holding each item like it was gold, carefully putting each thing back. Chandler hasn't taken his home yet...he left it here at our house, but he asks for it now and then. He also left his container of Mike's ashes here, afraid they would get lost. His mom has moved a number of times, and I think he is afraid that it will disappear in one of his moves. His mom has settled down somewhat this past couple of years, and has had another child, so perhaps they will stay put for a while and he will feel confident enough to bring his box home. Kameron has a wall in his room that is dedicated to his dad...there are shelves with some things on them, and a few things that are hanging right on the wall. Mike had gotten two of the really elaborately built "light sabers" from the Star Wars movies; they are not "toys," per se, but life-sized working models, and they sit on a stand made purposely to "show them off," and each of the older boys has one of those. Their dad gave them to them before he died, so they have that connection and memory of the treasure of their dad, being directly given to them by him.

So, I guess we are all "crazy," if that is what holding on to some of the concrete things of our child means...

Ralph had a good birthday...tears came now and then, but how could they not? Cathi, Jamie and Davis were here, along with Mike's friend, Denis. The overall feeling was one of celebration...he is here, he is still here. He has survived. This morning on the way to drop off our van to be painted, I had just mentioned that Cathi was going to call him soon on his cell so Jamie and she could sing happy birthday. I looked up, and we were being greeted by a yellow punch buggy. Yay, Mike! thanks. And tonight, for the first time in what seems like eons, I saw the little dipper up over our house.

Lorri: Looking at those pics of Kourtney, your heart is stirred, shaken and bounced around yet again...how could you not find it hard to breathe? I love that your "neighbor" at the cemetery left the coke for Kourt...what a wonderful thing for them to do.

Lynn: SO glad you had some days off and found time to relax...and happy belated birthday. Yes, 10/10/10 is a cool day to have a birthday!

".so many people feel they need to have a best-friend or be the in the center of everything - me, I am just happy to have what I have, what I had and I have more best friends then anyone I know and they are all here on BI !!" Yes, Kathy, I agree with you, all the way... and I also think that Tavian will realize the new house offers him something that is strictly "his," from the get go...his own room. He has likely loved being in his mom's room, and it has likely brought him much comfort, but perhaps now, as he is getting older, he feels that need for "his own." I wish you well on your move...wish I could be there to help.

Karen: So sorry about your friend and his DUI...I, too would be incensed over it.

Bonnie: I am so sorry about the box marked for your grandchildren...the words you use to express your pain make it palpable...my heart to you, dear friend.

Trentsdad: What a wonderful thing to do...your son is very proud of you, for sure!

Sus: Please don't feel guilty about going out and asking for what Steph's children not only need, but for what they are entitled to, for you to be able to provide for them..you are giving them so very much, and to have a little help along the way...well, thank God that it is there. Tough thing to do, especially when people make it worse by asking questions that really don't matter.

Dee: I can just see you that: "You can say, thanks for your advice, had I asked for it, I would appreciate it more." and rightly so.. and you definitely are reaching your goal of doing something every day that will make Eri proud,,,oh that beautiful Girl has much to be proud of, my dear!

Trudi: Are you back at the beach yet? I know you had said you had to go to Healesville for some errands, etc., over this past weekend. Thinking of you. Glad that your team won...first time in 20 years! Much downing of the brew over that, I'm sure! The Red Sox won the pennant (World Series) in 2004, the first time in 86 years!!! Much, much celebrations, over the land, everywhere!

Colleen: And other fans of the team that didn't do so well...so sorry that the game was painful to watch...those come along now and then, but that's all part of it...sad, but true. We felt the same when the Sox were eliminated from the playoffs this year.

Well, everyone has gone home and hubby and I are going to spend a few quiet moments together before he falls asleep. I got him a new phone for his birthday...the new Droid 2, and he has been playing with it since he opened it...for the most part, it is going well, but every now and then I hear a muttered "pain in the a--" telling me that he is not meeting with success in setting things up...

Betty, Crystal, Leah, Betsy, Elaine, Marcia, Greg, Dan, Sonya, Nick, and all those I may have not mentioned but hold close in my heart. also..wishing all a peace-filled day tomorrow.

carol mikesmomrs

[josephsmom90]

Dee, Rhonda, and everyone else!!

Hello, I just read a story about the rescue of the miners in Chili. That is so heartwarming for me, makes me smile!

All is going well. I should start classes in a week or so. This is for a Microsoft Expert module. It is self paced and I intend on flying through it. I really need this as a job skill. Ya I have tons of education but lack administrative skills needed for even entry level work. That will help me a lot. It will keep me a little busier which is a good thing. I've just been trying to stay upbeat, focus, hammering myself with workouts, and hour in the morning, and a walk in the evening with Sassy. There is a neighbor's dog that follows us most of the time. Dixie is a Beagle and is largely ingnored. It's really sad, she just want's to belong to someone and be loved. So Michael and I are her surogates I guess. Anyway, day before yesterday she followed me. This area is like the forest. There are all kinds of animals everywhere, and right in my yard all of the time. If you go a 'little' more country, there are grizzly's everywhere and signs warning you of that. I always see at least 5-30 deer on the walk.

So Dixie sets out before us, and I walk Sassy on a leash. We get down the road by Harold's house, an older Menonite man and his wife have a ton of land about half mile from me. All of the sudden Dixie jumps straight up, barks and teares off in the trees after something. I thought oh great there go all the deer! But it was a black bear!! She ran it off though and last I heard yesterday the men in the neighborhood were out hunting for it. I've been down there two nights now and am kind of jumpy, wanting Dixie to go before me.. I guess I could carry my 45 on me though. Black bears kill a lot of people so ya never know. He also tried to get into my trash cans. I found the biggest one upsidedown in the garage. There are no doors on the garage, the can has a lid that snaps down pretty tight. But it was up on the top, totally upsidedown. It also had huge muddy swipe marks all over it. As did the empty cans. Pretty wild!

The fall colors are gorgeous, though it's getting cold. I am also keeping busy with my volunteer work. The little girl I advocate for through the courts has Autism from being shaken as a baby. I've been on her case about a year and she came up to me today and hugged me three times. Stole my heart, but it was before that. Ya know I thought I've mothered, worked with at risk youth, I think I might try working with children like this when I get to Texas. I might like that. I dunno, I bet I could do Para educator or something like that to get a feel for it. I'm starting to think that I want to work with children. I have a heart for kids in the system. If so, geeze o pete, there goes my degree in politics, and my Paralegal, well sorts.. God bless all!!

Elaine

[josephsmom90]

Bonnie,

I'm glad you have some of your son's things. My son's dad let Joseph's friends take everything. I am not happy about how the swooped down like vultures and just TOOK! I wanted his brothers to have those things!! At least they got a few items that are precious though. I bought a handmade wooden box with a drawer that I put a Joseph journal in for Michael and gave him that for Christmas. He cherishes that. It has Joseph things in it.

All I wanted was the cross he wore, I have not taken it off and won't until I give it to Michael. I asked for his Bible and his school books. I have the bible and use it everyday. There are passages he highlighted in it. I knew what was going on with him at that time. That was when the girl he took to the prom broke his heart...

I have a few baby things, including a scrap book, with a lock of his curls.. Not a huge amount of things, maybe just enough though.

Elaine

[ericasmom]

This poem was written and forgive me, shared here several years ago, but he conversation warrants...

Tangible things

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect

[Guest msnher]

Elaine - What a dog! Way to go Dixie!

Love the poem, Dee!

Have a great day Indigo's.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

It seems impossible to watch the rescue of the Chilean miners and not feel hope for humanity.

[Guest msnher]

I wish I spoke spanish.

[lostwoher]

Ditto Susannah

[kmb22]

Edit

[ericasmom]

INDEED, the miracle of those being saved is balm for our hopeful hearts.

CRYSTAL, May you feel Ashlee's love all around you today especially, and each day.

[Guest msnher]

Thinking of Ashlee and you, Crystal!!

[nicksdad]

[lolynbo]

ASHLEE ASHLEE ASHLEE...SAY HER NAME FEEL HER LOVE

[briansdad]

I posted some pics of our kids from my golf tournament in the gallery area.

I was a great day.

Greg

[mikesmum]

Post lost, post found, go figure

[mikesmum]

Carol - Yes the blessings tempered with such sadness. Mike making it to Ralphs birthday was a milestone that I believe he reached for you both.

The story of his last days as always brings tears. Its the 14th here, so for today, may the punch buggies and pennies show themselves as they do. Mike, gentle winds, mild temperatures and sunshine for your parents and your boys today.

Kathy - Hard to make a move at the best of times, Tavian might need to know that his new home doesn't mean he will lose that connection with Jessica. You will I have no doubt many many things that remind him of his mum around your home. Jess's hair could most definitely need conditioner to manage those beautiful curls.

The things we keep in our treasure trove from our kids. We aren't 'crazy' not here. I have things from my childrens childhood, Mikes more precious now. His guitars were a big part of his life. I have one, I can only hope that Amanda still has the others. One thing she did give us in his things when she left them on the front steps were the 'birthday cards' he had kept over the years. One day we will get to meet her again, the journal we keep with stories and milestones will be hers.

Well its Thursday and given its October I am back to the hills for yet more birthdays. Grandies in the hills this weekend so Melissa can get away for her birthday. Can she really be 34? Not because I'm getting older, but I guess because she is older than her older brother.

Well time to pack the car and head back.

[westleysmom]

Thanks Greg, the pictures were great.

Trudi-Take care on your trip and enjoy the grandies. Hope the 34th birthday is good to Melissa. Hard to believe how time marches on.

Elaine-It sounds like you're staying busy, take care of yourself.

Betty-I went and looked at some of your pictures on the gallery while I was there. How are you doing these days? Still wishing you had a camel to ride around town?

I couldn't remember if Ashlee's birthday was today or tomorrow, but either way, thinking of you Crystal.

I'm making it through the 9 month day okay, every now and then all the air goes out of the room and I'm back to that day, remembering what was going on at this time on that day. But I'm hanging in there as we all must try to do. Have a good evening all my best Indigo friends

[josephsmom90]

I agree Susannah! It's hard to see that there are good people out there when one is bombarded daily by bad news! Top that off with what we have lost, it looks hopeless much of the time! I wished there was a paper, a site out there that ONLY reported on the GOOD news of the land! I can't read much of the news because it is so sad. After losing Joseph I find I am hyper sensative to any violence and if I read that stuff it messes my whole day up! So I just say NO!

Elaine

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SWEET ASHLEE.

SONYA-----No, I don't think you are crazy......for keeping Danielle's shampoo, conditioner etc. I have Davey's

toothbrush and other grooming aids saved. I poured out some of the liquids that were getting cloudy after

7 yrs. , but kept the bottle. Soooooo if you are crazy......then you have company.......ME. . These things

belonged to our children, and so they have very special meaning. We hang onto them because they are

TREASURES to us. Peace, friend.

Trudi----No, the cemetery has not replaced any trees around where Lisa is buried...even though it has been

years---probably decades since the tall pines were removed. This summer, the cemetery office/machinery

garage burned, along with movers & equipment, so I doubt very much that they will be doing anything in the

way of replacements. The old little white chapel......which has a Heritage Marker on it, is in need of a new

roof (old one is slate & pieces have fallen off). That also is not being repaired, so I guess they will get to it

when they are appropriated the money by the city council........not sure. My mom is doing well.......thanks

for asking. Best to you, friend.

Rhonda----Oh, friend,------I so know what you mean about not wanting to believe that West is gone. I went through

that same stage early on.........in fact (this sounds crazy, I know) I had thought that if I just pretended that Davey

was still here, that somehow it would be true. I also, when baby Lisa died, did the same thing. I washed her diapers,

folded little clothes, picked up her toys and placed them in another place. Just "busy work" to make myself think

that she was not gone. This, I think, is just part of the grieving process, and I don't think that anyone who has done

this is crazy---not at all. You are in that very painful and difficult first year, and many thoughts come to us that other

people who don't understand may think odd, but as we all know, here........it's the sorrow & pain we have to deal with.

Be kind to yourself and rest.

Bonnie-------I, too, have money that was in Dave's wallet when we got it back from the trauma center where he died. $50.,

and I can't seem to do anything with it, so it's still there in his wallet. I, so, understand your not wanting to part with Jay's

money. To me......I feel I must keep it.....it was his. I think you must feel the same.

Dee----Going to the cemetery on these nice fall days gives us a chance to be alone with our dear children, and enjoy

nature at the same time. Yes......tears will fall, and that's OK. All part of this journey we're on, isn't it?

Kathy-----As I have said to Bonnie and Rhonda, I definitely do not think it is crazy to keep anything that belonged to our

sweet children that we miss terribly. You mentioned that you kept cans of vegetables that Jessica has bought. I also

have a couple of cans that Davey had bought, and there was about a half-cup of his cereal....Kap'n Krunch left in hte

box. I poured it into a small glass container with lid, and still have it. There was some instant chocolate milk mix in a

container, and I still have it, although there's very little left in the container with a cow pictured on the side. These things

belonged to our sweet children, and we will always treasure them, and keep them. Definitely NOT a crazy thing to do.

PEACE TO ALL HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

We had this memorial brick placed at a park for Davey. Notice the age difference with the man whose brick in with Dave's.

[heartbeataway]

I posted some pics of our kids from my golf tournament in the gallery area.

I was a great day.

Greg

Thanks Greg!

I encourage anyone who would like to have their child join the banner brigade to make a banner. If you have questions, let me know.

[ericasmom]

Wow Sherry, the lives of some are very long and others, well you know. We just don't get to know how or why that is? We will though, one day. Yes, the cemetery offers its own kind of serenity now, but not before, before it was a place I felt i needed and wanted to visit, but could not always stay more than a minute once there. Once we went through our second year, I was much more inclined to spend long afternoons there when I have the leisure to do so. I have never felt that I need to be there a certain amount to times per month or anything, so I go when the spirit moves me to be there. I sure wish that they could replace trees where Lisa is, trees make a big difference to the area, birds and shade and breezes. Are you making any Halloween costumes Sherry, for your grandies?

Dan, love Nick's avatar and the beautiful work you did with Ashlee's photos.

Greg, thanks for posting the banner photos, very sweet to see them hang and swing at different venues/

[krichie]

Happy B-day Ashlee- I hope you sent you family some comfort.

I will also being saying Mikes name loud and thinking of him tomorrow.

May all our angels be celebrating togather there new life as we grieve togather as parents and friends and may they send us comfort till we meet again

[ericasmom]

MIKE SWEETIE,

I see those eyes of yours, looking out with that smile of yours shining in them. That little devil grin, and there is music playing all of the time in the background, Marly, Beatles, Phish, so many others, playing the songs of your life. Gather round your Family Mike, letting them feel you all around, letting them have hints of your watching over them, letting them know how dearly you appreciate all they gave you and continue to give you.

Blessings each day sweet Boy/Man. Wrap your Momma up in your love, a blanket to gather around her as she sleeps tonight, leaving her in the morning with the gentle knowing that you curled beside her as she had done with you so many times. Peace to you Mike.

[hotrod]

Dear Carol

Mike is watching over his precious family this special day

Mike Mike Mike

Rememories of your smile warms your families heart

You are in my thoughts and prayers

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I just cannot seem to motivate myself to read or post these days. Each time I sign on I become so very sad and when I try to read about your angels, I remember some special thoughts or actions of Stephen's and it feels so special, intimate, close to my heart that I cannot put it out on the web I know that is crazy but that is where I am

I think of each of you and your angels with warmth and love every day

I can go to the Gallery and enjoy looking at the pictures but that is the best I can do

I will be back

[mysonrich]

Mike, I know you are a cool person because I have come to know your Mom and Dad. They are pretty cool. I have no doubt that you will visit them today.

[mysonrich]

Ashlee,

[mysonrich]

"I was with God, and I was with the devil. They fought, and God won"..I held onto Gods hand,the best hand, at no point in time did I doubt that God would get me out of there

Mario Sepulveda ..Chilean miner

to be honest, I have had my doubts. My "there" and the "there" of everyone here was and is the death of our child/children. I guess the best we can do is hang on.

Betty, I'm with you on that.

Cemetery's, My mom used to "drag" us to the cemetery. I always felt it was a visiting place as she traipsed us through the headstones to find great aunts/uncles after visiting her son,my brother and the ones we may have just a vague memory of...I don't remember where some are now but I would have to thank my mom for teaching us that there is no wrong way to remember our dead and that visiting was expected.

Rhonda, I think you asked allergies or ? . Still not 100% after a visit to Dr and med's but coming along. thanks for asking.

reading along BI, I think the snot ( ha ha SUs) has blocked the thought process some. After that comment,have a good one.

[mikesmum]

Besty - Faith in one form or another can take the most dire circumstance and bring hope where there was none. I have seen such strength to 'carry one' in the face of overwhelming adversity put down to ones faith in a higher power. For me, I guess in other ways I have a strength, we here all do, to wake up each day, put one foot in front of the other and take that next breath into another day without our kids. I guess my faith, belief, is that Mikes energy is around me. I find when people say, 'it was his time, God only takes the good etc' I feel very uneasy.

Before I lost Mike I would visit the cemetry. I would sit and talk with my dad. I could walk the length and breadth from paternal grandfather to maternal grandparents to nephew and family friends. Back when I was a girl (I know looong looong ago) the bus from my suburb to the next would pass through the Botanical Gardens of this same cemetry. It wasn't till I lost my grandparents that I realised this was a place of the dearly departed. I actually thought I might marry there given the surrounds were so beautiful.

Betty - just cannot seem to motivate myself to read or post these days. Each time I sign on I become so very sad and when I try to read about your angels, I remember some special thoughts or actions of Stephen's and it feels so special, intimate, close to my heart that I cannot put it out on the web I know that is crazy but that is where I am It does become hard to read at times and not take on the freshness of a new loss here. It reminds us of the days gone before, how hard those days were/are. Its not crazy,its losing your one and only boy, its insane.

Greg - Thanks for flying our banners. Mike sure gets around and keeps such good company.

Sherry - I see what your mean about the dates. We have made ceramic glazed bricks for a local 'maze' with Mikes details. Not sure in what random pattern it will appear.

Have been back in the hill country for one afternoon. The mail had piled up so first order was to sort through it. A letter from the legals to let me know they are still pursuing an insurance I had should I be unable to work in my industry. So far they have audited my tax returns for the past 3yrs, have requested medical reports from my GP and psych and now are 'considering if this fits their criteria' for payment. Then a FINAL NOTICE DEMAND for my internet service. They said I owed $47AU. The letter was quite threatening with 'what they will do' should I ignore this letter. I rang, offered to take lives suggested they check their system and what do you know - OOOOPPPPPSSSS. So sorry. ARRRGGGGHHHH. Tears flowed as I realised I was short one pillow for grandies sleepover. Yep the beach is my haven, this is my nightmare in technicolour.

Taking the grandies to see Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole in 3D Saturday, maybe that will bring back a smile. Nite all. Trudi

[nicksdad]