Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Hey Indigos - Due to the confusion I am now logging in under MichealShane, Mikes name. Love seeing his picture (Harmony on his chest) and now his name.

Colleen - Just when you thought you had the 'quiet one' sorted along comes a speed bump in the shape of a police officer. Love the slave idea. Shopping with mum such a bummer, remember to make him carry the toilet paper

Carol - The water fall sounds like a beautiful place to remember Mike. But I am biased. I am back in the land of the ocean dwellers - ahhh the serenity. I love the way Damon seems to cock his head to one side as if listening for someone. Oh yeah, a version of your Mike without doubt

Karen - So early in your year of first with two major dates so close. I have to admit the year of first went by in a type of suspened disbelief. One thing I did learn from that year, with the support of these wonderful friends here, Don't make any big decisions for awhile. I think my biggest that year was buying my puppy Muttley. He is now my constant companion.

Oh yeah, there is never a reason or rant that requires a 'sorry' here. This is the venue for ranting, raving and just being.

Dee - Thanks for the wishes for Caleb. The red haired 7 year old. The party was a great success apart from memory loss when it came to thing not to do while the party was in progress. The best one was running into mum and dad's room, bouncing on the bed then bounding out the window....I kid you not. There were only about 8 boys involved lead by the birthday boy...

The weather was amazing, the games well I'll attach the snapping turtles for donuts.

Well Indigos as always take care of each other and know that you aren't alone

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - Love, love, love the story of the boys jumping on the bed and then out the window! Little boys. When Jonathon has friends over there is a lot of yelling and running and hiding and banging. Anything and everything can become a sword as they run through the house trying to catch pirates. The first time he had friends over I must admit I was in shock...it had been so long since my son was young.........I stared at them (rather in the direction they had just been) and wondered what the hell happened to my quiet, sweet little Jonathon. "Aargh Maties!" Brings a smile to my face and gratitude that he hasn't thought of jumping out the window!

"It will get worse before it gets better." My sister spoke those words to me the first week Stephanie died. I told her the pain was too intense and I didn't think I could survive this. I couldn't comprehend it getting worse than what it already was. And, then it got worse.

And, then it got better. It's not unfamiliar territory now. I think it's like going through all the chemo and radiation, hoping the cancer will go away only to find out you're going to have it for the rest of your life, but it won't kill you. It's just going to hurt like hell with an occasional reprieve. The occasional reprieves lasts longer and longer, but I am still shocked when the pain hits. I think I thought KNOWING would allow me to function more joyfully through the process. It didn't work like that for me. That's the bitterness I speak of. I thought accepting Steph's death (and, I'm not sure I have, yet) would take away the pain. It didn't. That's the bitterness I speak of. Inside I am screaming, "WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME!?" while on the outside I'm trying to keep a smile and pay attention to what they're saying. It's been over a year. I was sure I would be able to retain information by now. But, sometimes "their" words just go right through me. I have to remind myself to listen. People will ask me a question and I smile and nod. I will realize by their reaction that I didn't hear what was said. I feel like a cha wa wa (sp?) being forced to be pleasant when I really want to bark at everyone and bite their ankles! That's the person I don't want to be.

[ericasmom]

Well Trud, beautiful confusion then, Micheal Shane being your loggin. I love that the party went well, and I laughed at the image you painted of the boys jumping from bed to window. YIKES! I adore the snapping turtle doughnut game- kind of like bobbing for apples. And now back in your sea-side world, breathing the salt air and the drinking in all the sound that is music to your soul. Lovely, I see you, I see the kind of serenity that settles the parts of you that paced and fidgeted before. Give Muttley a hug from me as you stroll the shore.

Carol, your ideas for October 14th sound beautiful, and hiking the area Mike loved with the boys sounds like medicine for everyone's hearts. What a great Grammie to take the kids to the Beatles Show, and Mike will be singing along with them, smiling out at his most beloved people.

It remains beautiful outside, warmish for this time of year, and hopefully not too warm for the runners downtown at the marathon. The golds and reds of the bushes and trees set against the very blue skies cause me to stop to just marvel at the majesty of seasonal change. The world keeps going round folks,but at the start of grief, and still sometimes, that fact can make you feel sad, time moving without our Child, but it also serves to let us see that there is a season, that there is movement, that nature is still in charge, and that autumn still follows summer and so we can count on some things. It lets us watch the world change and go dormant and reawaken in spring, the life cycles that we live through and change through and the messages in them that allow us some of that magic in our world.

[briansdad]

Colleen,

Good to know ..... I imagined the horror for you if you opened the door to a policeman in the middle of the night ......

Hope the golf tournament is going well for Greg today!

It was a great day with the kids banners flying high. I'll send pics later.

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: Love, love, LOVE the idea of your signing with "Micheal Shane," and I can hear your very special way of saying it, as i read it...not only your special accent (and it IS special, not "funny"), but the love in each letter you speak comes through, loud and clear! I know that you love calling him Micheal Shane, and now we get to "hear" it every time you sign on... I also loved the pic of the kids with the donuts; cute, cute, cute...and allows us to imagine even better those little bundles of energy hopping on your bed and out the window!

BTW, if you ask Eric (Kelly's hubby),he will fix your avatar so that it is not stretched out...if you want. I know he did it for a couple of others.

Well, today is beautiful weather here, also. A little crisp, but my hot bloodedness (is there such a word?) keeps me enjoying that crispness, while hubby is wrapped in a sweatshirt! Cathi and Jame and Kameron are coming over this afternoon and we are going up to Mike's site and putting up some halloween...corn stalks attached to the Shepherd's hook that is by his bench, and a few cute pumpkins at the bottom of the stalk. He LOVES halloween...the day after he died, our next door neighbors came over and decorated our front porch, while we were at the funeral parlor...such a sweet thing to do---they knew his love of the day, and they said they couldn't think of anything else to do for us that would help, so they "holiday'ed up our porch" as they said...I really miss them as neighbors...special people...on Mike's last birthday, she (Amy) asked him what he wanted, and he said "A real strawberry cake with real strawberry ice cream." She loaded up the kids, headed to the store, and the next day brought him over this HUGE strawberry cake, with strawberry frosting, and strawberry ice cream...his smile was a mile wide! Good memories to help move us to the next hour. (I think I've told the strawberry cake story before here, but it is worth repeating.) Bear with me, please.

I hope you all have a good holiday tomorrow...it is supposed to still be nice weather here.

Greg: Glad the day went well for you, and the banners were flying high. Can't wait for pics.

I don't have time to write a lot about it...will later, but just wanted to let everyone know that I was thinking about updating our "cheat sheets." I know it's been quite a while, and I don't even know where it is on the posts any more, but I think it was either Greg or Dan who first compiled it. If they have the original, perhaps they could email it and then everyone could email their info and I can update it. I will talk more about this later...got to go for now.

love and peace to all of you,

carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

CArol, love the strawberry cake story, it is lovely. I love too, that the neighbor decorated the house for you. What kindness, what intuition into your broken hearts. Eri also LOVED Halloween, and she participated in as many Halloween parties as she could each year. My little Girl was one fun chick. Her last Halloween saw her as Christina Aguilar or one of those girls from that time period, which at that time was very -ripped fishnets, hair all over, shorter than short skirts, belly showing. So Erz thought she nailed it and at the party, everyone thought she was a "loose-woman" shall we say. Nobody guessed Christina Aguilar, which cracked me up since she is a brunette with dreadlocks. Too funny. She had a blast however, that is what I remember most.

Greg, I am glad that the Kids flew together for your outing. Did folks ask about it? Lovely weather I presume.

[daveydow1]

Carol--and Trudi.....Sorry for the mixup. .

Dee---Your description of the changing seasons is so colorful......just like the trees etc. I, too, was not a good

typist. Too slow they said. Never cared for the dreaded 'timing tests'. Most people could type circles around

me. Nice that you sketch & paint some. I used to do more artwork than I have in the past few years. Hope to

get back to it sometime when I get the quilt finished......must get moving on it.

Karen (Shawnsmom)-----Sorry you are feeling so low. I know what you mean about feeling hopeless. It is

a common emotion.....especially in the early days/wks of your grief journey. Although it will always be

there,...the sadness......in time it will soften. Wish I could say something to ease your pain. Just keep coming

back to BI where everyone here knows, firsthand, the journey of grief that no one ever wants to be on. Peace, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[nicksdad]

This was my weekend project. Total of about 9 hours.

Few hours of shoveling to break up the clay

Ran roto tiller after digging

2 trailer loads of dirt taken away

Put down 32 bags of top soil (40 pound bags)

Mixed with Peat Moss

Mixed with Milgrinite (sp)

Used seed that one of Nicks friends gets as a contractor

from Marine Corps Base Quantico (always looks like on base)

Topped with straw

Hoping it all grows

[Crystal16]

Four days away from Ashlee’s birthday and I want to celebrate her life. I wish I wasn’t so angry inside, I miss my baby girl and her 16^th birthday was going to be so special… I went to church this morning and I still have difficulty staying to the end to fellowship with my friends. I don’t want people to feel pressured in having to check on me and ask if I’m okay. “I’m not okay, my heart aches I feel fake with a smile to make people feel comfortable.

[summergirl]

Dan - absolutely beautiful....Nick is so proud of you, smiling down on his wonderful dad.....

HAPPY BELATED BITHDAY ANDREW.....

All Indigo's - I am not even going to try to catch up with all the posts tonight as I am exhausted from camping...it was a wonderful weekend, Tavian had a great time, his friend Sklyer came and stayed with us and is now staying the night again at home with us. He is a wonderful boy and we enjoy him so much, he and Tavian are great friends. They are downstairs with pop-pop watching "The Karate Kid" on DVD so I am upstairs lying in my bed resting my weary body.....

I love you all and will catch up tomorrow with all. Peace, strength and love, Kathy

[heartbeataway]

This was my weekend project. Total of about 9 hours.

Few hours of shoveling to break up the clay

Ran roto tiller after digging

2 trailer loads of dirt taken away

Put down 32 bags of top soil (40 pound bags)

Mixed with Peat Moss

Mixed with Milgrinite (sp)

Used seed that one of Nicks friends gets as a contractor

from Marine Corps Base Quantico (always looks like on base)

Topped with straw

Hoping it all grows

Wow Dan ----- Thirty-two 40lb bags of dirt plus all the add ins ..... that was quite an undertaking on your part.

I bet it will be the greenest area around when it grows!

And you had a beautiful day to spend in the sun with Nick's spirit.

Good job Dad!

PS - Rich wants to know if you'll come and do our yard ......

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

Your plans for the 14th sound just perfect! And I don't remember reading about the neighbors "holidaying" up your porch before. What a sweet gesture!

We will have the dilemma this year of what to do on Jay's birthday. We normally have Pinnacle Days going on but since we swapped it out to September this year for more cooperative weather, we're having to regroup.

We've talked about just going to his memorial site and spending some time ...... hopefully it will not be raining. We bought him a solar spot light to shine on his cross.

Nothing fancy, pretty simple.

Our hearts have been full of missing him lately. On a tv show last night a comment was made that went something like, " a grieving mother continues to breath even when there is no air" ........

it took me back to the early days when I used to say that Jason was like air to me and I was having trouble breathing ..... I continue to struggle for relief from the lack of oxygen that was Jay.

I'll hold you close as the 14th approaches .......

Love!

[nicksdad]

I know Danielle will be with you today....

[Guest msnher]

Danielle, please hold your mother close today. She misses you terribly.

Thinking of you, Sonya.

I'm a few hours early, but I'm awake with sick kids and I want to make sure you know I am thinking of you before they all wake up....again.

[josephsmom90]

Hello to all! Long time no see/talk! I don't get notifications in my email of what is going on. I don't know if it is since the website changed or what.

I've just been a little busier than usual, and trying to stay that way, stay focused. Michael's leg is soooo much better. Though he has pain days here and there. Today was the first day he went with out the ace bandage covering his wound under his jeans, the irritated it, so that is a good sign. That means it is less sensitive. But still very deep, meaning you can see it was a deep wound and is not healed.

I had another garage sale and did pretty good off of it. Stashed that into the savings.

I will have one more the month we move, which I hope is March.

Just having a lot of intermitent thought's about Joseph, and they have been tough, but I suppose that is 'normal.' I don't like normal!

I know this, I am not going to his grave on March 25th this year! No more birthday's like that. This March I plan to be moved and or in the process, that is a HARD MONTH for our house. My wreck, March 4th, Daniel's booted butt out of my house March 4, and the twins birthday is March 25th! Though Daniel is still here it is a bittersweet day to be sure. I don't even know if that describes how it is. I do know nothing is the same, NOTHING. I see all this trivial stuff around me and it wears on me constantly. OK, enough for now. God Bless and peace to all.

Elaine, Joseph's mom.

[krichie]

Danielle- Thinking of you and saying your name loud and clear. You are loved more then words can say and missed even more. Send a sign if possible and wrap your family in comfort

[mysonrich]

saying you name out loud...Sonya, thoughts of you today as I recall the memories and stories you have shared of your beautiful Danielle.

[hotrod]

Danielle, Danielle ]

Saying your name and praying that you stay close to your family today.

Touch Mom with your warmth

[hotrod]

SONYA

YOUR ANGEL, DANIELLE IS WITH YOU THIS DAY AND EVERY DAY

xmas-angel-glitter.bmp

[mikesmomrs]

DANIELLE...DANIELLE...DANIELLE...saying your name, always remembering...be with your sweet momma today and let your family know that you are always by their side...

love and peace-filled moments embracing your heart today, Sonya

Carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Danielle Sweet Beauty, bless your Momma and the whole family with a sign that you are near, a sound or a glimpse of something lovely...

I know that your love surrounds them daily, as does theirs. Fly freely Danielle.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello Indigos: Today is the angelversary of my sister's children...(my sister who is 82) I have talked about this here briefly before. "Briefly" because it has not been something that has been discussed....ever...in our family. This happened in 1972, and as some of you know, back then things like losing a child were not ever discussed. It is only this last year or two that she has made mention of anything about it to me, and that has only been, I think, because usually when I see her, at one point or another during the visit, Mike's name is mentioned, and I think this has loosened the "don't talk about it" factor with her enough (at least with me) that she has actually mentioned a few things (very few) about it...such as "keeping the memory alive." She lost four children to a tragic accident (a fire)...Eugene 8, Samuel 10, Susan 12 and Thomas 14. Her oldest son, Brian, who was 17 at the time, survived. While I have always remembered them and felt pain for her terrible loss, this is the very first time, ever, I have sent her a note to tell her I am thinking of her today---as I said, it is just something that was never talked about in our family. I sent the note with a picture of a flowering tree, with four dragonflies placed in the branches---I believe I mentioned a few weeks ago, when she came to visit, that she brought me a beautiful glass vase, with dragonflies etched on the sides. Please pray that this will not upset her, but offer her comfort in knowing that these children have always been in my heart and never forgotten. My stomach is in a knot, hoping and praying that she will accept my note with the intention it was offered...not as a bitter reminder of her sorrow, but as a statement that her children have not been forgotten. ...at one point during the visit, we discussed the ballgame that we took Mike's boys to and how we do it annually for his birthday. It was discussed at the time how important it is to keep that memory alive of those who have gone before us...and she was part of that discussion, though that was all she did say. I wish so much I could take her hand, hold her in my arms, let her know truly how much I ache for her, but I don't know if something like that would ever happen...such expressions have never been made about it by anyone in our family, other than the very first angelversary, and of course, right around the time of the accident. This is why I am so very glad that I have all of you to talk to, to know that you all understand and offer such comfort and support. It is so sad that years ago, such terrible losses were never, ever discussed. Once everything---the services---was over, that was the end of any discussion about any of it.

Anyway, I've already written more words about it than have ever been spoken...I know that you all understand the "not being talked about" part, because we have all experienced this, but back then, NO ONE ever discussed it...it was difficult, to say the very least.

As I said, please pray for her and that she will accept my offer of remembrance as it is meant, and it will not cause her to suffer more because of it.

love and peace, Carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

ELAINE! YOU ARE HERE!

Good to see you Elaine, I have missed you. Glad to see that your Son's leg is healing adn that you are seemingly moving forward with your plan of moving. Good for you. I think moving to an area more populated and with more opportunity sounds great. How was the rest of summer, was it hot as can be where you are? We are in the midst of two weeks of autumn perfection here, warm in the sun, cooler evenings, and color to beat the band. Illinois apple orchards actually closed a few days ago, having been completely picked. That is something! The last few weekends have been perfect for families to spend their time outdoors picking apples. At least someone is thriving in this economy, farmers and growers usually tuff it out, but maybe for once, they will have had a good season.

Wow Carol, I am praying as I type that your Sister feels the love and peace of those four beautiful children holding her and letting her know that they are still her babies, she will always be their Mom. I wonder if your sis feels she would fall completely apart if she spoke about the loss. Crumble to nothing. Poor Sister. I think that the card you sent will be welcomed sent from the one person who has an inkling of what she has lived with, that you remember them in this way is a blessing to her. Blessings all around.

[westleysmom]

DANIELLE-Your Mama loves you and misses seeing your beautiful face and hearing your lovely voice. She see and hears you now in her dreams, but some sweet day, she'll see you again and it won't be one moment too soon. Sonya-Holding you close today in my thoughts

Dan-Love the new picture of Nick. The dirt work was truly a labor of love for your handsome guy.

Carol-Just when I think I've been so poorly treated, I hear of someone who has had more grief than anyone should have to bear. I do hope that your sister is okay with your gift and doesn't take any kind of offense. There are so many older people in my community that (I'm ashamed to say) I've forgotten about their loss of children until I lost mine because they don't mention it at all. I guess it was just different then, like people not talking about sex or alcoholism. I don't know how they did it all alone, and I never want to find out.

Elaine-We were getting worried about you. I'm glad that Michael's leg is healing and that you are making plans for your big move. I know we have to look to the future, but its so hard without our boys/girls.

Susannah-Hope the kiddies aren't feeling too bad and you don't get the bug too.

Kathy-You stay in my thoughts as you get ready for the big move. Hope all is going well and you are getting enough rest.

[westleysmom]

Crystal-I quit going to church for a while and even now will miss a Sunday if I think I can't take it. Try not to worry so much about other people's feelings and take care of you. You have a lot going on and your true friends will understand if you do things a little differently for a while or if you can't handle things the way you used to. Sending you hugs

[daniellemom]

Carol- My thoughts and prayers are with your sister today.

Thank you so much for all of you remembering Danielle today. I'm getting ready to go have lunch with Mattie at school. I don't think she knows that today 3 years ago is the day she lost her "big" sister. Mattie called Danielle "Big". I'm glad she doesn't know the date. She talks about Danielle a lot and remembers things about what they did and said to each other, to me that's great. If she doesn't remember the date sadly that is wonderful. Again, thank you all so much!

[heartbeataway]

Danielle ...........

Danielle................

..............Danielle

..........Danielle

Remembering with love .....

[heartbeataway]

Carol .....

I can only imagine the pain your big sis has lived with! I pray she takes your kindness in the way it was given ..... with love and understanding.

Love!

[shorty16]

Danielle, thinking of you an your family today. Today is the day you left your physical body to become and angel.

Wrap your wings around your momma and whisper sweet prayers to her and the others that miss you.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Sonya, what a great thing to do today, have lunch with Mattie. Three years is along time Sweetie, I know the ache of time, the weight of it as well. Spending the day in this moment as much as you are able must be making Danielle smile that beautific smile she has. Mattie has school today, you do not have the day off for Columbus Day?

Col, how did the party go? Was Trevor pleased?

[lolynbo]

DANIELLE DANIELLE DANIELLE...LOVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE...IT WARMS ME EVERY TIME I SEE IT

[kmb22]

Edit

[shorty16]

Indigos

The party to welcome Trevor into our home was small, but very fun. We had lots of food and good conversation. My sister, Chris, my nephew, Lukas and one of our friends Kevin came from our family.

The Packers lost, the game was painful to watch.

Trevor's brother Lemont came over with his wife Annie and their daughter Roxanne. Roxanne is 3 and what a cute, smart, quite young girl. I tried to get the conversation off Trevor's Mother and into the future, because that is the past.

I am trying to figure out how many adopted/foster siblings Trevor has. Seems to be alot. The family is also very severed. Once they leave the home, they do not seem to come back at all.

It is kinda funny, this will be our first Christmas at home since Brian died. We ran away the past 2 years. This will be Trevor's first Christmas tree with presents under it. His family did not put up a tree or give presents. They are Catholic????? Figure that one out.

Seems this will be a first for both of us.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Hi to you too Karen, smart words and worth reminding oneself of that. Anger often is sadness unallowed I have found, anger is more accepted in this culture than a person's sadness.

I spent the afternoon at the cemetery on a beautiful day. I sat and read adn wrote and while I brought my pencils and tablet to draw, I did not have a desire. I talked and cried to my Daughter, as leaves fell all around me. I swept the oak leaves and acorns off Eri's stone, though one strong wind will pile them again. She is in the shade of three oak trees. Our site looks nothing like yours Dan, your site is highly personalized, beautiful work you do Sir. Eri is at a Catholic cemetery, (we are not Catholic but her grandpa is buried there who was Catholic, never practicing). Anyhow, long story, we have a flat stone, would have had to purchase 6 spots if we wanted an upright stone...needless to say we did not have the money for such an expense nor did we have burying anyone else on our numb selves while finding a spot for our 19 year old daughter. So the graves are close together in many areas of the cemetery, right now Eri has some room around one side of her, so I can bring my chair and spend the day. We cannot personalize much, but what we can place are small tokens of affection adn flowers. So much else I have put there disappeared. Today some fresh mums, three colors.

[shorty16]

Indigos

I am reading a book now entitled Cosmic Journeys - My out-of-body Explorations with Robert A Monroe.

The Monroe Institute is centered in Virginia.

What a mind bender this book is. Really make me think about how small we really are.

I highly recommend it. This book does cover what happens when you die - just like matter - nothing is ever destroyed - it just changes.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Sweet & Lovely Danielle........Danielle......Danielle. Smile down on your family today & always.

Elaine-----Good to see you back on BI. We missed you.

Dan------You put so much work into your project......work, and love. I'm sure it will grow.

Dee------I also went to the cemetery today. All pots & flowers must be removed Oct. 15 for 6 wks.

for the fall cleanup of the areas. You mentioned that ERi's grave is under the shade of 3 oak trees.

Davey's grave is under a very old oak tree too. While there, to remove the flower pots, I noticed a

fresh grave nearby, banked up with flowers, and a man was sitting on the ground next to it.....just

seeming to be 'spending time' with his loved one. Lisa's grave is no longer under the tall pines

that used to be there. The trees died, and were removed. There still are some other pines nearby,

and a maple. I spent some time at the graves, and also my Dad's grave, then said my "goodbyes- for- now",

and went on home. I had a full day with taking my mom to the eye specialists earlier.

Carol-----Peace & prayers for your dear sister & family.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Sherry and Dee-I go to the cemetery on Sunday every week if I can. I miss it if I don't go. I wondered how long it would be this way, I guess it just depends on the person. I know I can talk to him anywhere, but I like to go to be alone. Sometimes there are other people, but usually not. I talk to him and tell him what's been going on and then I start crying and telling him I'm sorry. That's how my visits usually end. Its a pretty little cemetery down in a "hollow" as we say in TN. We bought six plots all in a row. The one next to him is for me and my husband. I want to be beside him, I haven't said anything to my husband about that, and I don't know if that's the right side for husband and wife, but that's how I want it to be. Dee, I don't think I've accepted it yet, in any sense of the word, even the most superficial. I'm trying, but I'm also kicking and screaming against it, you know? It makes me feel like a child, I don't want it to be so, so I just won't believe it. Wednesday is the 13th, 9 months to the day from January 13. I think its going to be a hard one since its the same day of the week and everything. With every day, it gets harder to pretend that it didn't happen. You all probably think I'm crazy, of course it happened, but I doubt that anyone here has been impressed by my sanity so far, anyway.

Colleen-Sorry about your ballgame. We barely squeaked by the Boys. But a win is a win, right? Glad the party went well. The book sounds interesting, but I'm still reading only books I've read before mostly. Call me crazy, see if I care.

Quiet day, we weren't closed, but everybody else was. Have a good evening all.

[shorty16]

Indigos

Sometimes I wish we had a cemetery plot for Brian, but those were not his wishes. Funny how we talked about it before he died. He was adamate on not being buried.

I see the photos of the plots and headstones. Beautiful.

I like hearing how other families have choosen to deal with the burial of their child. Each is different, each unique, just like our kids.

Westley's Mom, you can read any book you want!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Sherry, like minded today I guess. I hope your day was peaceful. Mine was, bittersweet. The timeline I think of while at the cemetery is short but crammed full of memories. That is the sweet.

Rhonda, you needn't feel that you must accept what has happened, it is a term with many meanings really. Acceptance to me just means that I know it happened, not that I wanted it to or that I am happy with the results. Actually, since you go to the cemetery, I feel that you have accepted the reality of Westley being gone, but the fantasy that it is all a bad dream or that it will change somehow still exists. I am actually impressed Rhonda, with your sanity, your point of view, your ability to move through a day. YOu may think that you are not doing well, but from this view, you are. It is more painful as you head toward an anniversary, particularly the first one. Be kind to your self, remembering that you are Westley's best person in the world.

[mikesmum]

Carol - Just as we wonder how we can go on after losing one child the story of your sisters loss pales mine into insignificance. As we struggle with the 'lack' of empathy now, I can only imagine how 'silence on the subject' would have bound her grief tightly to her. I don't think you will offend her, you might find that acknowledging her babies will allow her to 'grieve' freely even talk with you without boundaries. I know first hand how being able to speak to someone 'openly' about your child, not just their loss is healing in itself.

Its true not understanding the depths of losing a child till it actually happens to you. My nephew passed 10yrs ago, aged 15. A fighter he went through much with cystic fibrosis. Yet, like many around me when Mike died, I guess I moved on without thinking that my part of my brother stayed fixed at that point in time. My how I have changed.

You understand how much it means that your son isn't forgotten and that he 'lives' on in the hearts of many. Perhaps she will feel that even now after many years those precious children where never far from your heart.

Colleen - I thought it was a different religious group that didn't celebrate Christmas, but hey I could be wrong. Glad to see Trevor is fitting in well. Sorry about the game. Did I mention that my AFL team "Collingwood" won their grandfinal? It only took 20yrs since the last one. I don't have a gravesite for Micheal, I have his ashes with me in a "Mason Jar". Ironically it took some time to find the right one. Didn't want something too 'girly'. But I talk with him as I walk the beach, when my tears get the better of me and of course when my computer and music decide to play up. Its part of my insanity, to talk out loud and wait for answers, but hey I might have always been this way?

Dee - I can see you sitting with Eri, brushing the leaves, talking to her. I find it amazing that there is an industry that makes money on the back of someones loss. To have to 'buy' more than one plot to allow an upright stone or have 'perpetual care' mean only for what we dictate you can have or what we will allow.

LOve the 'mums'. I have freshias at the moment, a sign of spring.

Sherry - The gardens, trees do change the landscapes of where loved ones rest. Have they planted any replacement trees? Hope all is well with your mum.

Rhonda - it is hard when dates align to trigger the depth of our feelings. I have a PIN number on my phone to retrieve messages. I had it for years, the number 1801. For me 18th January the day Mike died. Cant replace it dont know why. I had a psych ask me if I accepted Micheals death, my answer, "no parent accepts their child died before them". His response, 'do you think he's coming back', my answer Oh that would be good. Not sure which one of us is insane. I guess I don't accept Micheal died, but I do accept that his not being here has changed my life forever. As for the 'sanity' thing, well its highly overrated and hard to maintain.

Karen - I get the anger thing. It was my life for the best part of my first year after Mike died. Anger from frustration, from not wanting to believe I could lose my son. I think the anger died down from sheer exhaustion.

Elaine - Much strength to you around the month of March. What a lot going on a the same time...

The winds are picking up and the clouds are gathering. Muttley is staking his terriorty with a morning song that might just see him in the kennel!

Be gentle with yourself Indigos, there is an underlining fragility after losing a child, we all know it well.

[summergirl]

DANIELLE, DANIELLE, DANIELLE - SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD.....A VERY SPECIAL ANGEL BRIGHT AMONG THE STARS. KEEP YOUR MOM CLOSE TODAY AND EVERYDAY...YOU ARE MISSED AND LOVED.....

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - can't seem to keep up with all the conversations going on - guess it is due to so much on my mind and alot going on with the move. It was a bit of an emotional day as I decided to start packing up some things - started with pics from the walls, kitchen items not being used, etc....took my time and labeled all the boxes. It was hard as I packed Jessica's pictures and butterflies I filled 2 boxes with them and a few tears along the way....but I know we are going to be happy in the new house.

Carol - what a loss your sister has endured so many years - the loss of 4 children is beyond my comprehension, I am so sorry but I am happy that you have sent her the card with the dragonflies....I believe she will take it the way it has been sent and she will feel the love you have for her.

What a beautiful day out today, about 72 degrees and sunny...Tavian played hard and now is lying quietly in his bed almost asleep. The rain will come in tonight but that is ok - it was a good weekend and back to work tomorrow....

I will say good night and will try to catch up with all as soon as I can....Love, peace and strength, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Carol - I can't even begin to comprehend what your sister has lived with in silence. I am the least silent person I know. I can't imagine what she did with all that grief when she was by herself. Bless you for letting her know you remember, indeed have never forgotten.

Sometimes I wish I had a plot to go to, too. Stephanie's ashes sit safely in my corner curio cabnet, surrounded by angels. I can visit with her anytime I wish, but others can't. Others go to her crash site. I see fresh flowers there sometimes.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Tonight as I walked down the darkened streets, the lamplight shone on a steady stream of falling leaves. The air changed and there was a slight breeze adn in it that autumnal scent.

Sleep well All,

dream sweetly,

dee

[lolynbo]

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME????? I GO TO CEMETERY EVERYDAY...TO VISIT AND THEN DO MY 2 MILES....

KOURTNEY TOO TALKED ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTED IF SHE DIED....SHE WANTED IN THE MOSULEUM (LARGE BUILDING AT THE CEMETERY NEXT TO WHERE SHE IS)...I WAS OUT VOTED...ITS JUST A LARGE WALL KINDA LIKE YOU SEE FOR FAMOUS PPL...BUT AS YOU KNOW WE HAVE TORNADOS HERE SO "WHAT IF THE WALL WAS HIT BY TORNADO"...SO WE FOUND A PLOT OF 9 SPOTS SHES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 9.....IVE POSTED PICS B4...BUT I WANTED TO SHARE THE NEWEST ONE...A LADY THAT HER HUBBY DIED (VERY YOUNG, OD) SHE WAS HAVING A BDAY PARTY FOR HIM AND SHE LEFT KOURTNEY A COKE, BECAUSE "KOURTNEY WAS INVITED TOT HE PARTY...

[Guest msnher]

"Don't die because I do, Mom." Is that what Mike said, Carol?

Today my sister sent an email saying my nephew, her son, spoke to her after his suicide, which was 19 yrs ago. He said, "1 - trust in the goodness of others. 2 - expect good things to happen. 3 - enjoy the moment."

Just thought I'd share.

I learn a lot from what your angels teach.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Good morning, it is showing itself like peach sorbet across the eastern sky. May it be a peace filled day.

[shorty16]

Rhonda - I still have not recovered from the Packer loss on Sunday - This game was soooo painful to watch. Luckily, we were having a party and I did not have to sit and endure the pain for long.

Minnesota Vikings lost last night. I still love Farve, but he should be in his yard, not on the football field.

My 2 cents

Colleen

[lostwoher]

That Vikings game was painful to watch so I feel asleep during the second half. You are right Colleen, Brett needs to stay in his yard. Just saying... Go BEARS!

[ericasmom]

Just saying is right, Farve should have retired both his playing football when he could go out looking great, and retire his marriage if he couldn't stay true...she went through his alcohol and drug adddictions and other women, maybe he is her addiction.