Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

I am not worried about forgetting Stephanie if I go senile or get alzhiemers or dementia. I don't know a lot about it, but my mom didn't forget about any of her daughters. Now, most of the time she didn't know who we were when she saw us. She knew she had five daughters she just didn't know we were the same people. However, when my sister died and I pushed her wheelchair up to the casket for the viewing, my mom knew exactly who Dessie was without anyone having to tell her. She didn't know it was me pushing her, but she knew who was in the casket.

It really was very sweet.

[krichie]

Crystal sending extra prayers and thaughts to you. I just saw the news clip and video about your daughter. I am so sorry your lose is so fresh and you still have to deal with the justice depratment. She was a pretty girl and those eyes- wow. Stay strong. I did not feel or get signs from Richie for a few months because I was so out of it.No dreams nothing, but robots have no feeling and thats what I was for many weeks. I lost my son a year ago 10/5/09 to a drunk driver.He leaves behind a beautiful little girl who will need a dbl kidney transplant in the future but is my ray of sunshine thru out this ordeal. As far as the guy who killed my son- I am still not sure how I feel -on the most part I have forgiven him but theres days I take that forgiveness back. You will find many strong and sympathetic people here to help you on your long journey. They truely get it about how we feel like no one else can.

Collen what can I say- you are my new hero. Trevor is one lucky young man to have you and your husband to take him under your wing. I can not believe he never had a pumpkin. I can not comment on the money issue as I do not know what cost was incured as he was raised but does not sound like it was spend on his behalf. But the hell with money he now has love and that is so priceless.

Beth I have fell behind and forgotten so much this past year. I do not remember about your daughters injuries, it sounds like even tho they are severe they are a miricle in progress. Prayers that her pain subsides and she heals as much as possible.

Rhonda- My other son is still trudging along. He took a few step forward and got a job but then slid back and lost it. He is getting outside and more active so that helps his personality, not as moody. So all the small steps are a plus. He did show emotion or share emotions on Richies angel day and even did a little talking so thats a start. Thank you for remembering him.

To all BI's I have not caught up and never will but you are always in my prayers and I hope things are going better each day for you. I hate to leave anyone out you allare important to me and my sanity.

[mikesmomrs]

Beth: It's so good to see your sweet little Zachy's smiling face again...I am so sorry to hear that the treatment you've gotten for your daughter thus far has not been working. You are in my prayers that the right treatment will be presented to you and she will benefit greatly from it. It is so difficult to treat someone so young...it's tough to make out the diagnosis, I think...or has she already been diagnosed?

I am sorry that you are not doing well either...this past year has been extremely difficult for you. We think of you and send love and strength.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[andrewsmother]

My dear Indigo friends, it has been so long since I have posted, I hope I am still welcome. I see a lot of new people since I was last here and I am so sorry for the reason you are. I have been struggling to deal with my new reality and have some days that are better than others. It will be 10 months on the 19th of October since my son Andrew became an angel, since the terrible day his life was ended by a senseless and horrible drunk driver. It doesn't get easier, actually it seems like its getting a little harder lately, however I take it one day at a time because my other son Chris needs me now more than ever. He is struggling himself, he is lonely and misses his brother terribly. We've been fortunate to have received many many signs from him, but nevertheless, we miss him terribly. Tomorrow, my son Andrew would have been 20 years old...I will not be able to give my precious child a kiss and a hug for his birthday. I have been so sad for days anticidipating this day, I took the day off from work (against my boss' wishes) as I know I will be of no use to anyone, I want to be at home where I am free to cry, and just remember my child on the day he was born. I'm dreading tomorrow because I know how hard its going to be, but it is still my first born child's birthday, wether he is here physically or just in spirit. I hope all of you are coping, or trying to and that God is giving you the strength to bear and go on. Hugs to all of you my friends, I think about you often and keep you in my prayers.

Rosie

Andrew's mom

[lolynbo]

WELL I FEEL LIKE WE GOT GOOD NEWS...THE DOC SAID HES 8% SURE HE JUST HAS FATTY LIVER (U CAN CHANGE BY LOSING WEIGHT)..WHICH KODYS ALREADY LOST 6 PDS....20% IT CLD BE SOMETHING ELSE BUT HE HIGHLY DOUBTS IT CUZ HIS LEVEL GOES UP AND DOWN...(IF ITS SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT THE LEVELS NEVER GO UP AND DOWN JUST UP)....SO HE DID ALOT OF BLOOD WORK TO RULE OUT HEP ABC AGAIN AND TO CHECK HIS THIROID (SP)....AND SAID WHEN THE BLOOD TEST COME BACK WE CLD LATER SCHEDULE A BIOPSY BUT THAT WAS DOWN THE TRACK...WE SAID SCEDULE IT NOW WE WANNA NO 100% SO KODYS HAVING A BIOPSY DONE OCT 28TH JUST FOR OUR PEACE OF MIND.... BUT HE REALLY THINKS ITS FATTY LIVER.....SO KEEP PRAYING AND I THINK GODS LISTENING ....THANK YAL FOR PRAYING...

KIMBERLY MADE IT HOME SAFE FROM HOUSTON....

[summergirl]

Crystal - I am so sorry for you....I did not know that your daughter was accidently shot !! OMG, I am crying for you.... Sweet 16 is such a beautiful thing so you just remember that your Ashlee is going to have her party with all of our Angels, they will make her happy and she will let you know that she is ok....I know she will send you a sign. I know how much you want her back, the pain, the suffering, the ache....we all understand and I just wish I had the words to help you through all of this....I send you virtual hugs and know that you are in my heart and prayers. Kathy

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - well the camper is at the site and I have chili cooking slowly...smells great. I have decided that I am letting go of all of this crazy stuff I have been feeling and I am going to make the move to the other house and make it ours....change can be a good thing and I am going to take hold of it and go with it. Jessica is by my side every step of the way just as all of you are...

Today is my 37th anniversary - wow, hard to believe that I have been married since I was just 17 !!! I am blessed to have a marriage that has sustained throughout the years, the love for each other that has endured the worst nightmare.

I need to go check the chili and then try to get some rest....love, peace and strength to all, Kathy

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen: Good for you that you have managed to cut through the cr-- and get Trevor's needs met...it is just unreal that nothing has been given to him in the past except food and a mattress, it seems. I hope that he will thrive in the new environment of love that you and your family are providing for him.

Crystal: I am sorry that you are not doing well right now, but it is so close to your loss that nothing is expected of you...Dee's suggestions were right on...take care of yourself...Ashlee would want that for you...and talking to her out loud is definitely something to try---she is with you, listening, always. Celebrating her birthday is just something that you must decide how it is or is not going to be done...it is so close to her loss date that it would be difficult, no matter what you do. When I am doubting something involving Mike, I always try to think of what he would want me to do. My son died of brain cancer, and just a couple of months before his passing, he put his hands on my shoulders and said "Mom, please don't die because I do." He knew that all I would want to do was curl up in the closet and stop breathing once he was physically gone from my life. Breathing became my objective, every day...for many, many days. I felt successful if I got dressed in the bargain. I had to return to work, but like Karen, I was a robot. Please know that we are here for you, always. I know that it is difficult if not impossible to believe right now, but you will get through this...you will...

Lynn: Good to see your smiling beauty's face again. I am glad to know that you are in the background, but we are all happy when you post, but we do understand.

Dee: I am glad to hear that you are feeling better now...perhaps it was a good thing to get that flu out of the way so close into the new school year...of course, with kids around, the germs are always flying, aren't they.

Sherry: I love that you found the two dragonflies to cross stitch...I hope you will post a picture when you are finished. I used to embroider a long time ago...I think that the last thing I did was a large picture of a lamb jumping in a meadow...it was for Mike's room, which we had done in yellow and green while I was pregnant. I remember the wool on the lamb being "fuzzy" and had to have a special stitch I didn't know and it was really difficult to learn it. When I think of it now, and think of how his tastes ran as he was growing up...it is pretty funny...it was about as far away from his personality as it could get! I also did some seascapes, but I think I only have one left now. I still haven't hung anything up in the house since moving in, so it is likely in the closet with everything else. One of these days... Anyway, I am glad that you enjoy doing it, and so glad you found the dragonflies to do.

Lorri: Praying all went well with Kody at the dr's today... trips to the doctor's with our kids are not things we look forward to, but we know they are sometimes necessary.

Rhonda: thank you for your comment on Mike's pic...I can't tell you right now which is more prominent...the bitter or the sweet...it depends on when you ask me... However, I am so thankful that I have so many sweet memories of Mike...we were very close and the last few years of his life, we shared a lot. I miss him so very, very much, and want only to see him again...I can remember thinking after he died "I have faced death before...my parents, my brother (just 4 months before Mike was diagnosed), my aunt, cousins, nephews, a niece, and I thought I felt the pain of losing them...but this, THIS, THIS is dead. Gone. How can this be? I gave life to him...why was I not taken instead? I have lived my life...he was just beginning a new family...his older boys were growing and needed him; his new young son needed him. We ALL needed him...HE needed to live his life! Sarah (his wife of not even 2 years) waited patiently for over six years for him to "see" that the person he was looking for was right there in front of him all along (they were friends for six years before they starting actually dating). How can this be...and so on, and so forth...we all here know the words by heart...we've said them often enough!

hubby needs me...will check back later. hope all of Indigos are having a good evening...you are all close in my heart.

love an dpeace, carol

[westleysmom]

Rosie-My son Westley died in his sleep less than a month after your sweet Andrew. His 21st birthday was six days after that, January 19, so I was still in shock when I was sitting there rocking back and forth and trying to keep breathing in and out. My best friend's son Andrew died in his sleep on New year's day, after going to a party that night. He would have been 20 in February. She doesn't live nearby, how in the hell does something like that happen twice? I wish I could make tomorrow easier somehow for you, but I can't. Just be gentle with yourself and try to remember to eat a little something and stay hydrated. It's still the anniversary of the glorious beautiful blessed day when you became a mother, his mother. You're still his Mom and he still loves you, and your son Chris still loves and needs you too. I think I remember seeing Andrew's picture on here before, but it was in July when I first came and I couldn't keep everybody straight. Anyway, I'm glad you came back, I don't think anybody is unwelcome here. I just wish none of us had a reason to be here. Take care.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW! YOUR MOM LOVES YOU AND MISSES YOU SO MUCH!

[westleysmom]

Oh and Happy Anniversary Kathy! I imagine Jessica is very proud of you and her Daddy and all that you have done and will do for Tav. Enjoy your chili and get your rest!!!

[heartbeataway]

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ Happy Birthday Andrew !!! ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Nice to see you back Rosie!

[ericasmom]

BEAUTIFUL BOY---ANDREW, Happy Birthday Sweetie.

Rosie, may Andrew's birthday offer you more delight than sorrow, spilling forth the goodness of his coming into your life. Remember that old saying; all living things have a cycle of days to their lives,

some are long and some are not,

but all of them live a full life.

His life was/is full Rosie, and everywhere that he is, his heart is filled with you and his brother. I miss your presence here, so glad to know that you are out there. You came to this place so early on in your journey, and it does get harder I agree, but it won't always be harder. Promise. Keeping you in my prayers,

dee

[ericasmom]

For those of you new-ish here, this is how I picture my Girl, Erica.

Free Girl

Fly my gorgeous Daughter,

over rooftops and mountaintops,

over both fresh and salt waters,

over meadows and forests and

ice flows and jungles,

and over specs of land too tiny to map

and that will never be named.

Fly and zoom and sow your wild beauty

into all that remains.

[hotrod]

HappY Birthday Andrew

Thinking of you Rosie this special day

[mikesmomrs]

Happy Birthday, Andrew....brush your mom's cheek with your sweet spirit...let her know that you are happy, celebrating, and staying close always. Rosie: Please remember that we are always here for you, and no one can leave and not be welcomed when they return....we understand...we truly do.

Dee: what a beautiful poem...straight from your heart into ours...such beautiful wishes for your beautiful girl...

Lorri: Glad to hear the news, and I understand why you would want the test done now. Give Kody hugs from us, please.

Kathy: So glad your mind is settled over what lies ahead for you...make the move an enjoyable, memorable event for all of you. And have a wonderful campout...you will hold those memories close to you all winter til you can go again.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[krichie]

Happy Birthday ANDREW !!!

Happy Birthday Andrew

A specioal day always, mya your mom feel you with her.

[Guest msnher]

HAPPY BELLY BUTTON DAY, ANDREW!!! I know you're staying close to your mom and brother today.

Rosie I'm so glad to see Andrew's face again. Steph's birthday was harder for me than her first angelversary. If you're up to it, please talk to us today and tell us more about your beautiful son (s).

Much love,

susannah/stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's...

Carol - "...but this, THIS, THIS is dead." Yup. That's how I feel too. I find it odd and interesting the way I have reacted to Stephanie's death verses other losses I've experienced. Steph's death has been so painful, difficult and beautiful all at the same time. Beautiful like a volcano is beautiful when it erupts. It's the only analogy I could come up with. sorry. Powerful. Very, very powerful. I'm fighting being more cynical than usual these days. I also find myself more bold than before. If that's even possible. I've never liked to hurt people's feelings. I still don't. But, I stand a bit taller and look people in the eye and say "that's not okay" .....I don't know. It's just a different space. Quite frankly, I hope it's a passing phase. This feels much like bitterness. I don't want to go there. I know I'm in charge of my attitude and I definitely don't want to be a bitter old woman.

gotta get busy. Love to you all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew

We are saying your name.

Rosie, thinking you today, may the sun shine on your face and you feel the wings of your angel on your cheeks.

Colleen

[kmb22]

Edit

[lostwoher]

Making a special wish for your birthday today Andrew. May your light shine bright.

Warm hugs to you and your family Rosie.

[Crystal16]

Happy Birthday Andrew....

[mysonrich]

Andrew...........

[mysonrich]

me, today.

[daniellemom]

Betsy - I hope you feel better soon

Happy Birthday Andrew!! Saying his name loud and proud!

Coleen - I'm glad to hear that court went well

I've been away what seems like a long time. After Danielle's birthday on September 20 and now her angel date is on Monday Oct 11. I've taken off from work because I know if I couldn't make it on her birthday I can't do it on her angel date. Carol - I've been thinking about you and how you post and encourage everyone, oh, how I wished I could do that. I type like I talk and everyone here knows I'm a country bunkin'.

Yesterday we had a fun raiser for JDRF and I was in the dunking booth, we raised over $3,000 but I'm not was I use to be and I think I broke my toe, the walk is tomorrow morning so I will see if I can walk. The weather here is beautiful so I'm looking forward to the walk.

For any one who prays, please say a pray for my family on Monday. James is home for fall break but leaves on Sunday to go back to school, he is so smart, I worry about him sometimes, does he talk about it enough to be able to enjoy his life. Kinda like you Dee with your Jon.

I love each and everyone here on this site and I read most days but just can't post right now not sure why maybe because I don't want to be a downer for anyone. Thanks for listening.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lolynbo]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW I HOPE ITS HEAVENLY

[westleysmom]

Sonya-This old gray mare ain't what she used to be either. I hope your toe doesn't keep you from walking tomorrow. Maybe the walk will help lift your spirits a little. I'll keep you in my thoughts as we get to your pretty girl's angel date. I don't think you're a bumpkin and I'm always glad to see Danielle's smiling face and hear how you and your's are doing. Hang in there, we're here for you.

Betsy-Cold or allergies? Hope you get to feeling better.

Susannah-I know what you mean, I'm less willing to put up with other people's crazy **** these days. Does that make me a bitter old woman? I try not to be, but I wonder sometimes how good I'm doing. I know that I'm more aware of what really matters, and also what really DOESN'T.

Carol-That is the thing that friends who've lost someone, but not a child, tell me all the time, that they know what I'm going through. I don't mean they haven't experienced painful loss, they have, I know that when my Daddy died, it was awful and painful. And maybe there's something worse that I haven't had happen to me although I hope there isn't. But you're so right, THIS is death, when the child you created and poured yourself into for so long is gone, and gone forever. I hope Ralph is doing okay, I'm sure this time of year is hard on him too.

[lolynbo]

JUST GOT A CALL FROM KODYS NURSE...HIS ENZYME LEVEL IS LOWER THEN IT WAS SO THIS IS REALLY GOOD NEWS....THANK YOU GOD

[mikesmum]

can remember thinking after he died "I have faced death before...my parents, my brother (just 4 months before Mike was diagnosed), my aunt, cousins, nephews, a niece, and I thought I felt the pain of losing them...but this, THIS, THIS is dead. Gone. How can this be? I gave life to him...why was I not taken instead? I have lived my life...he was just beginning a new family...his older boys were growing and needed him; his new young son needed him. We ALL needed him...HE needed to live his life! Sarah (his wife of not even 2 years) waited patiently for over six years for him to "see" that the person he was looking for was right there in front of him all along (they were friends for six years before they starting actually dating). How can this be...and so on, and so forth...we all here know the words by heart...we've said them often enough!

Carol - So true so true. I had dealt with losing my parents, my mum just 2yrs before Micheal and was and 'adult orphan'. I lost my nephew (15) but losing Micheal, now that was another dimension of loss I had never even imagined. Like you how I am depends on when you ask. Today I'm in the 'hill country'. The 'big house' needs some lawns mowing and the house needs cleaning so here I am.

Its Calebs 7th birthday party. I have made the chocolate crackles and the sentimentality of just doing this back here has me in a funk. Not the abyss but I know where that path tis and can see it from here.

Its a day when I get to see all my kids and grandies, the upside of the day. I guess being at the beach has given me more energy and strength. I know Micheal's name will not be spoken today unless I bring it up. Everyone is moving on - Caleb knows Mikes picture but doesn't remember Mike or Harmony. Kinda twinges but I can handle it better at the moment.

Rosie - Andrews day of 'arrival' in your life. May a flood of memories wrap your heart, the day the young man who would change your life came to be. I know he is still with you now and always...

Trudi

[shorty16]

Hello indigos

I am sitting by myself watching the 1st Harry Potter movie - I love Harry.

AJ and Trevor have 2 friends over - 4 total. They are hanging in the basement now that the flood water is cleaned up.

I am thinking of all my Indigo friends. And how each of you has helped me to heal. I really thought I was going crazy in the beginning - but you-all told me that these feelings are normal - considering.

I thought I would never feel good again - some assured me that I would - and I do, more and more. Very slow though.

Thanks for everything

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Sonya, you are quite a trooper for doing the dunk tank. I would not make it doing that. I sure hope the toe heals. Tape it to the toe next to it and that will or should help. I walked last weekend for JDRF along the lakefront of Chicago. A great and wonderful energy through the crowd. On Sunday, 10-10-10 one of the biggest marathons will crowd the city streets, The Chicago Marathon. I worked it one year, handing water to runners. Fun. So many good causes in which to place our energy. You are not a downer when you are feeling blue Kiddo, you are a Mom who is sad and missing her Girl, not the kind of missing that we can just get over, but the kind that turns us inside out and spits us out torn and ripped up. We all get like that now and again, happily, not like it was in the beginning, when we were broken adn ripped up 24/7. As Col is feeling today, and most of us have had either glimmers of or feel much more so now that there are many years in between the initial heartache and today, there are good days, there are even peace filled days and there is laughter and joy again. And yes, it is different, has to be, no way that it could not be, and that is okay too.

Life offers different jewels now, and we do have a better sense of what is really important as Rhonda stated, and at the same time, less patience for those who waste our time or use their own in a negative way. I do not think, by the way, that that is the making of bitter, just wiser.

In my opinion, we all have reasons to fall to the ground weeping and unable to step forward, but we all have stepped forward by being here, and we have made many more steps as evidence to the ways our lives have changed and have been reshaped. I think that all of us here knows that we have things to accomplish. It does not mean that we know what those jobs are, nor does it mean we understand why we are here when our child is not, it simply means that the order of things have left us reeling and when we find our way, we find the jobs and meaning left in our lives and we do the best we can to use our time well.

Spending whole days crying is not a waste at all, it is a way to get to the next day. Carol, you hit it perfectly, now that is really loss, that is really gone. Indeed.

We are still the moms and dads that our Babies love, they still recognize us even on days when we do not. Take solace in the joy you have reaped and that which you imparted.

Trudi, happy birthday to your little Grandie. I know that going to the hills brings forth some of the discomfort, I am with you.

[rlolheiser]

Happy Birthday Andres... may your mom feel all your hugs today

[nicksdad]

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos

A BEAUtiful weekend in store for the Great Lakes area - Right Dee!!!!

My son, Aaron is on my poop list. I thought he was making a good decision last night, but it ended up him coming home at 2am with a police escort. We have a curfew of 11pm. I know I told AJ that about 10,000 times. He is grounded for 2 weeks and he will be my cleaning-slave for the same period of time.

AJ has this "entitlement" to him, because he is the youngest and after the first 2 kids we kinda mellowed over time. Scott has nothing in him to be a disciplinarian. He is still pretty broken, so I have been doing the bulk of care for Trevor and chores with AJ. I texted Scott last night and said "Your son just got home with a police escort"

Where was Trevor in all this? He choose not to hang with them and stayed home. Kinda-bass ackwards HEY?!?!

Well, I am going to wake my slave and take him grocery shopping with me - What fun

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[kmb22]

Edit

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Last night Hubby and I saw "Life as we knew it". I laughed and cried. Raw emotions I have kept neatly hidden, or so I thought. We also stopped at the corner bar and two stepped around the floor a couple of times....we were still home by 10:15.

I hope you all have the best day possible under the circumstances.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Hold on, Karen. This is such a raw time and it is normal to have such conflicting and confusing thoughts. You are not a downer. You are a grieving mother.

Keeping you close today!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Karen: holding you close and sending love and prayers to you today. We have all experienced what you are going through and truly understand the levels of confusion and the contradictions in our thoughts and feelings. I think I read somewhere at one point that one should not make any major decisions for the first year, if it is possible to not do so. Sometimes life circumstances dictate otherwise, but mostly, if you can avoid it, it is best not to make life-altering decisions during that first year of such turmoil and confusion and heart breaking daily pain.

The pain you are feeling at such an early stage of your grief is intense, and can easily make it so that you find it difficult to do much of anything. Sometimes "auto pilot" is the only way we can function in the ways that we need to, especially if we have others dependent upon our actions, such as other children, a job, etc. Sometimes we need to just take one breath at a time.

Sending love and wishes for peace-filled moments,

Carol mikesmomrs

[westleysmom]

Karen-I'm thinking of you today, that first month anniversary was so hard for me too. I kept replaying the day in my mind and wishing it ended differently, we could do it all again right this time. I wish I could give you a hug and we could have coffee or something and cry and scream and try to make sense of it all. Or just sit there not talking and "being", your pick. You're right about being a contradiction, because sometimes you're screaming on the inside and just sitting there on the outside. Dee's right too, sometimes crying all day is the only way to make it to the next one. I'm rambling I know, but know that you are not alone. This group is here for you and has been through most anything that can happen and will support you as you try to move forward, a little bit at the time. They say after something like this happens you shouldn't make big decisions for six months or a year or something like that, but "they" don't know what's really going on with people and sometimes you have to do something right away. I tried not to decide anything until l had to right after Westley died. But you do what you have to do and we're here for you. Holding you close in my thoughts today.

Colleen-Nothing like blue lights to get the old heart pumping. Sorry that Aaron made a bad choice, but so glad he was in that car with them. Bass-ackwards is right, but at least you have help for fall cleaning, if you're feeling so inclined. I'm proud of Trevor, too. Good for him for not getting in on the trouble.

Last night was really bad for some reason. After the kids left, I went outside and stared at the stars and cried for a while. Then I came in and went to bed. I still sleep pretty good, I'm a champion sleeper and I hope I don't lose that, because that's really the only time I'm not thinking of him. I feel like I need to rest my mind from it sometimes, you know. Days are better for me than nights, I can stay busy most of the time. Will try to do that today, beautiful weather in TN although it has warmed back up some. Still no rain, does anybody know any rain dances? Have a good day all if you can, and take care of yourselves. I treasure all of you and your angels.

[ericasmom]

Karen, one month anniversary and one week from birthday? Holy cow, two huge events in this new life/horror. You are in the part of time that almost all of us would say just kept feeling worse and worse. Being unable to move off the mark is typical for a non typical life altering event such as yours/ours.

Be very gentle with YOU. The shock of this loss slowly sheds itself, and by the first month a tiny bit may have fallen away leaving new raw spots, and the rewind button plays on adn on. You are not being a downer, you are down with good reason. You are being who we all have been, a Mom or Dad new to grief, in shock, and wondering what the hell you can do. THere were times that I felt I would surely lose my mind but then for me anyway, that would mean someone else would be in charge of the rest of me, and I had lost so much control when ERi died that my motivation came from wanting to be in control of something. So, I was in control of me. I don't mean to say that I was rational at all times, that I didn't weep uncontrollably, I did, but in between those times, I took my many walks which bring me a sense of peace, I kept up iwth a a healthy diet, I read a lot, and wrote a lot to keep my thoughts somewhere so that I could look back and see the steps I'd taken. I accepted that I was going to be on a long and very difficult road, and by accepted, I do not mean it was okay, it simply was unchangeable, and I went to therapy.

Everyone's circumstances are different, your not having your job makes all of this even more complicated and I sure wish that I could help out. Making big decisions are already hard, but compounded with the economic downturn, it is even harder. Keep talking here, it is the way that has kept so many connected and hopeful at a time that is so desolate. I hope that you feel surrounded by the love and support that is here.

Rhonda I am unsure of rain dance, though have been accused of looking like that is what I amdoing when I do dance.

Col, good that you are carrying through on what you said you would do if curfew is violated. Aaron is in the midst of those hard times of making good decisions, stay true to your word. Good for you and yes, it is a gorgeous day outside, yesterday and all week long it has been. The blue skies are amazing.

Peace

[heartbeataway]

Good Morning Indigos

A BEAUtiful weekend in store for the Great Lakes area - Right Dee!!!!

My son, Aaron is on my poop list. I thought he was making a good decision last night, but it ended up him coming home at 2am with a police escort. We have a curfew of 11pm. I know I told AJ that about 10,000 times. He is grounded for 2 weeks and he will be my cleaning-slave for the same period of time.

AJ has this "entitlement" to him, because he is the youngest and after the first 2 kids we kinda mellowed over time. Scott has nothing in him to be a disciplinarian. He is still pretty broken, so I have been doing the bulk of care for Trevor and chores with AJ. I texted Scott last night and said "Your son just got home with a police escort"

Where was Trevor in all this? He choose not to hang with them and stayed home. Kinda-bass ackwards HEY?!?!

Well, I am going to wake my slave and take him grocery shopping with me - What fun

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Did you summon the police escort?

[shorty16]

Indigos

No, I did not summon the police escort. That police officer is Aaron's wrestling coach, so he brought AJ home. I woke up to him standing in my kitchen at 2:15am. No ticket, just a warning. And since sh*t rolls down hill, AJ gets to be my slave for 2 weeks.

He is pretty compliant. Not much complaining. He knows he has a curfew and just was having fun. Well, that "having fun" cost him 2 weeks of freedom.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[heartbeataway]

Colleen,

Good to know ..... I imagined the horror for you if you opened the door to a policeman in the middle of the night ......

Hope the golf tournament is going well for Greg today!

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen: Maybe AJ should go out with Sus and Gary...at least he'd be home on time! Just a little joke, hope I didn't offend...

Sarah sent a picture to us...Damon's first school pic...I can just see Mike whispering in his ear to make that face...it is SO Damon and SO Mike...

I hope everyone is having a good Saturday...and those of you who are so soon since losing your precious child...holding you extra close.

love and peace-filled moments...carol mikesmomrs

[Guest msnher]

Ya, we're definitely light weights. LOL

[daveydow1]

Trudi------The dragonfly picture to cross-stitch is small......only 5"X7". I Know I would not have bought it,

had it been a large one. I am finding counted cross-stitch to be increasingly difficult to work on anymore,

so this one does not have a lot of extra items to be stitched. Your embroidery of the little Lamb in the

meadow, done for Mike when he was little sounds just so cute. I do enjoy regular embroidery, and have

done all 50 state flowers and put into a quilt.......now to get busy and do the hand quilting (not my fav thing to do),

and all the finish work. It has a lavender border. Fits double bed. This may be the last one I make. I made one

for each of my kids, but never got to Davey's.

Rhonda-----Yes, hand sewing does help me keep busy in the evening---especially in winter. Maybe you could

try just a small piece at first, to get back into it. Too large of a panel may just be too daunting now. That's why

I chose the sm. dragonfly panel. It was the only one left, and on sale, so I snapped it up......now to get busy on it .

Sending prayers, friend.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ANDREW.

Rosie.......Thinking of you today, and wishing that sweet Andrew sends you a smile on a sunbeam.

Dee------Such a nice poem you wrote for dear ERi. Thanks for posting it.

Sonya-----Yikes !! You have a lot of nerve, or whatever it takes, to do the dunking tank. Sorry about the toe mishap.

Hope it gets better soon.

Karen------I agree with what the others have said.......the first month is so very painful, and sometimes seems so

unreal. Prayers for peace & comfort, friend.

PEACE TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[shorty16]

Trudi, you could never affend me. Aaron was good today. Did everything I asked and that was alot.

Bonnie - Aaron woke me up, so I knew he was OK. But I never thought of the policeman at the door thing. I am sure some have experienced that.

Quiet night tonight. Watching a movie and cleaning for tomorrows party. Trevor is so excited.

Thinking of all of our angels and my indigo friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Sherry, your dragonfly sounds like it will be very pretty. I don't have good small motor skills, though I draw adn sketch and paint a bit, but perhaps it is more about patience. I flunked sewing and typing in junior high and high school.

Col, the party tomorrow sounds fabulous, what an honor for Trevor to invite his brother to his new home. I know that Brian is smiling the smile he inherited from his Mom. Give a squeeze to the kids for me, all of them. The journey that you all have embarked upon is very special, uniting you and making your hearts that are broken, a bit less os, and in fact, fitting some of the pieces back together. I think that when we take on something bigger than us, we feel the importance of our lives in the world. It is so good.

Bonnie, speaking of taking on a new and important job, how are you My Friend? Anything new in your part of town?

Betsy, feeling any better? My allergies were monstrous these last few days, mold on the falling leaves. Does not keep me in though, just can't get enough of being outside. Medicines then, and that is good enough.

Carol, Damon's photo is precious, absolutely wonderful. I know your heart is in many places today, looking forward, looking back over your shoulder at the life that once was, now look up. Look up and see the stars shining down on you, and be here right now as your Mike wraps his everloving heart around you. What a Mom you are to him. To everyone but so special to him.

[kmb22]

Edit

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen: Hope tomorrow (today, actually) is a good day and you all have a fine time at the get together. So good that Trevor felt comfortable inviting his brother...you are doing a good job, Col, a good job!

Thank you for the comments on Damon's pic, Dee...he is a cutie and we are so very grateful for him. And yes, my heart is indeed in many places these days... I do see Mike in the stars...just a month or so before he went to bed, we were coming home from a game, with his dad, and when we got out of the car, the sky was just filled with stars. We were looking up at them, and saw the little dipper. I said to Mike "Look, there's the little dipper, Mike. Put yourself right there, and I will be able to find you when I look up at the stars." Tears welled as I said it, but a hug followed...a precious moment of sharing that I will remember always.

Sherry, it was me, Carol, who mentioned the cross stitch and the embroidered picture of the lamb for my Mike. and Colleen, it was also me who mentioned that AJ should go out at night with Sus and Gary...no problem...just thought I would put it straight so's it doesn't get more confusing.

I am mikesmomrs, and Trudi is mikesmum. When I first started posting, there seemed to be a lot of "mikesmom"s here on BI, on this and other parts, and when I signed on, I put the "rs" at the end, which of course, stands for Red Sox, in Mike's honor. Thankfully, there are only two of us with that name who post for right now.

Karen: I am glad we were able to offer some support to you over this day...we do understand, and we are always here.

We haven't decided yet what we are going to do on Mike's angelversary. I think we might light a lantern/balloon and let it go, just the two of us. The boys will be over on Saturday-- maybe we will hike to the waterfall that Mike loved. On Friday, the 15th, the local opera house is having a "Beatles Review"...a band that does all their songs and will be doing costume changes as well, to include Sgt Pepper's lineup, with costume. The Beatles were favorites of Mike's, and of Damon's, also...Sgt Pepper being Damon's ultra-fave. Sarah and I are taking Damon to the show on Friday night....Cathi and Jamie are coming along, too. I know that Mike will be sitting right there, with all of us, and especially with Damon and Sarah...watching a recreation of one of his most-loved groups...the Beatles. Celebrating his life and loves is the best way to honor him, I know that--- It's just so hard sometimes.

Mike in his hippie hat, just getting back from a PHISH concert.

love and peace,

Carol mikesmomrs