Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

RICHIE...saying his name...remembering his sweetness...RICHIE...RICHIE

Karen: Know that your sweet son is with you, and swatting the dragonfly was a reflexive action...please don't beat yourself up over it...he understands, he truly does... This is a day that will leave you in tears...that is the way it is...cry, and remember that tears are healing...they are a very necessary part of our grief. I stayed home on Mike' s angelversary also...I never could have sat at work. That first one is such a heart beater...know that we all understand, we all are with you, holding you...hold on, Karen, hold on...the hours will go by, they will. Sending you love and strength.

Carol mikesmomrs

[shorty16]

Trudi Trudi Trudi

I missed you terribly!!! So glad you are enjoying your solice on the ocean - you deserve it.

You have taught me alot about this journey we are both on. It is amazing to me how connected we are to our children, that their death changes us as human beings. The love is so strong and so unconditional.

Love you my friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Crystal...we are sending love and strength to you, also...that first birthday, being so very soon...difficult to say the least. We also "celebrated" Mike's birthday, still do...remembering and celebrating his life, as Trudi said, is so much more important than that one day that changed everything. It was tough to do that first year, but Mike's kids needed to do that, and his wife, as well, so we all gathered at his very favorite restaurant, had his favorite food, ended it with cake and ice cream...and comforted each other. Even the people who own the restaurant (he went there often) became part of the "celebration" of his life...hang on, Crystal, we are holding you up.

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[Crystal16]

Mikesmomrs- Thank you, I need all the strength I can get. Some days are better than others I am emotionally exhausted. I know a lot of Ashlee’s friends need the birthday celebration as they are still grieving her loss. She was such an influential person and everyone loved her.

Susannah; Stephanie's mom- I pray every night she would let me know she is okay. My ex, David is at peace and says he feels Ashlee all the time. She even came to him in a dream and said dad I’m okay. Maybe she’s mad at me for not protecting her or not spending enough quality time with her like I use to before I started getting serious with my ex-boyfriend “ex ...because I can’t be with anyone at this stage in my life”.

I appreciate every ones feedback as I feel completely alone in my grieving process.

[kmb22]

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[daveydow1]

Krichie------Thinking of you today.....Dear Richie's Angelversary.......saying his name.....remembering him.

RICHIE ------- RICHIE------- RICHIE.

Susannah----Sorry that you are having a rough time of it. Yes, there is no 'map' for this lousy grieving

road we're on. Lots of bumps, curves, and potholes to catch us in and torment us. Yes, I do think that

the fall weather has a lot to do with our moods---especially missing our beloved children who have left

this world before their time. Hoping you are feeling at least a bit better today. Prayers & comfort, friend.

Crystal------Thinking of you and praying you can somehow find peace & strength.

Prayers for all of us here in the BI family.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Rhonda-----I so know what you mean about praying that God would keep your Westley safe, and then

the very worst thing happens. It does cause anger & disillusionment.....I think it's only natural. After

my baby Lisa died, my son, Davey, was born the next year, and I prayed & worried about him all his

life, and now he is gone. I had bought him a Guardian Angel clip for the visor in his car......to keep him

safe on the road. Hate to be negative.....but it did him no good, and we never got the clip back, so it

had to have been in his car that day he died. I don't know, but I guess God forgives us for being angry

and feeling 'let down'.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mpsmom]

Richie Richie Richie....

saying your name outloud today.

Hold your Mom tight in your arms today and watch over her always

(((HUGGGSS))))

[lolynbo]

Lorri-Welcome back! You and Monty make such a pretty pair! Sorry it rained on you and didn't rain in TN, we would have gladly taken the rain you got on your trip. Coming home is always such a letdown, especially now. When is the dr appt for Kody? Crossing my fingers for good news.

WE GO THURSDAY AND IM IN SUCH A WORRY RUTT...I READ ON THE WEB OF ALL KINDS OF NIGHTMARES....HE HAS OOOOOOOOOO NONE ZILCH SYMPTOMS BUT MY MIND IS RACING...YAL PLZ PRAY FOR A GOOD OUT COME...HOPEFULLY WE JUST NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT...

THANK YOU FOR THE "PRETTY PAIR"...OF COURSE I JUST POSTED THE GOOD PICS..

[westleysmom]

Oh, Sherry, I think of you often and am so sorry that you have had to go through losing two children. When we were at the having babies age, I always felt so sorry when someone would have a miscarriage or lose a baby to SIDS or something, I didn't know how they could bear it. And when the kids were bigger and started driving on their own, and someone's child would die in a car crash, the same thing, I didn't see how I could live through something like that. To know that you have been through both of my worst fears and still standing is simply amazing to me. I know God has blessed me in many ways, but I still find myself asking Why? Westley had a car accident last September, he rolled his truck and wrapped it around a tree. He did not have a scratch on him. Not one. His glasses were broken, I think, and that was it. How could he have walked away from the upside down wreck and be fine, and then die three months later, sleeping on the couch? How does that even happen? In what world can I make sense of that? Not this one, at least not yet.

Lorri-Well you picked very good pictures. Try not to worry too much, hopefully it will be something very easy to "fix".

Shawns Mom and Crystal-I don't remember if I ever welcomed you here. I'm so sorry for the reason that you joined us but I'm glad you did. It has helped me a lot to have someone to talk to. Its not really the more the merrier, I wish none of us had a reason to be on a grief website, but if there are people who need to be here, I'm glad when they find their way.

[summergirl]

RICHIE, RICHIE, RICHIE - SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD FOR ALL TO HEAR. SURROUND YOUR MOM WITH PEACE AND LOVE, SHINE BRIGHT AMONG THE STARS AND FLY HIGH WITH ALL OUR ANGELS.....

[summergirl]

Hello dear indigo;s... Welcome back Trudi, have missed your wisdom and your sweet Micheal....so glad you are settled in and back with us. You sound great...so happy for you

Collene - sweetie you are doing a wonderful job with Trevor and you did a wonderful job with Brian....a great mother, please never forget that. It is so very hard not to blame ourselves to some degree no matter how our child left this earth.....more diffacult for some then others I suppose....I still ask myself why didn't I make Jessica go back to the specialist earlier, why didn't I do this or that but nothing is going to change the fact that she is gone so I try hard to replace the why's with the wonderful memories and years that I did have her. I am not as good at giving advice as most on here but I believe in you....

Karen - thinking of you on this day....your broken heart, the tears that fall...we are all with you my friend....

Crystal - You are so early on this horrible journey and so many of us feel your pain....I cannot tell you how to handle Ashlee's birthday... My Jessica passed in February and her birthday is July 21st - that first year we went to the cemetery and alot of her friends came...we did balloons, sat and talked, had cake - it was a beautiful sunny day but I was dark inside....I loved being with all her friends but it all hurt so much and still does. We all have to do what is best for us but it is such a short time for you that I know it is so very hard to make any kind of decision....The first year I believe I was just on so much shock that I floated through the days, not really knowing what to do.... I do know that the days leading up to a birthday, holiday, angelversary are sometimes harder than the actual day....I keep you wrapped in a hug and pray that you find a bit of peace...

Lori - I can totally understand how you feel.....a trip planned and it ends up sucking and then the "home through the front door" - the tears come and you just feel like screaming.....right there with you girlfriend....

Well - I went and checked out the house tonight...did not want to as I wanted to see it painted, etc... but anyway it is nice and it will work once I get things done my way....however, I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE !!! I stood outside tonight looking at Jessica's Garden, I walked the yard, I walked through each room of this place I have called home for so long and all I could do was cry and say I want to stay here in my home, I do not want anything else to change in my life - why does it have to be so hard .... I am amgry and sad, all these mixed emotions...I know I am being crazy but I just don't care. I guess I may as well get over it and do what has to be done.....I do love the kitchen there and a nice big yard, a playroom and bedroom for Tavian .... but I STILL DO NOT WANT TO MOVE !!!! OK, I feel better now....

Good night to all,,,,sweet, sweet dreams and hugs to all.....Kathy

[summergirl]

Ok - I am back...I am sitting here with tears running down my face.... I can't stop thinking about my girl and all the memories I have in this house with her....all the times she brought her friends home and they would camp out on the floor and I would get up in the morning and make them homemade pancakes....they all loved them and they all always said they loved me, I was the best mom ever...All the times in the back yard hanging out, how many times we redecorated her bedroom as she grew, the laughter, ther tears, the fights, the making up,,,,,,the I Love You's..., the ONE time she snuck out of the house and got grounded for a long time....her lying on the couch eating popcorn and watching silly "make you cry" movies, coloring, reading......so many memories I do not want to leave behind.... Thanks my friends....love to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Cyrstal and Karen and all those on this path so early, bless you for reaching out and bless you as you face the days that are so difficult. I know birthdays and angelverssaries, all of the marks of time are achingly hard, and yes, for most of us, the lead up to those dates more difficult than the actual day. Anticipation of how in the hell are we going to make it? Why do we make it and not them? All the conversations you have with yourselves about how one minute on either side o fthe clock could have changed this nightmare, we know.

Only do what you decide to do that day, not knowing what you can handle.

On Eri's 20th birthday, her first after she left here, we had folks over and my neighbor bought a cake with a simple message written on it, We miss you birthday girl- in pink, she loved pink. We sang to her and wept, we toasted her adn each other for learning to live a bit under such sad skies. Money was given to bolster the fund we have in her name. I read the paper that came from GIFT OF LIFE Michigan, telling us that ERica was responsible for 65 surgeries that have helped people. From her eyes to her bones, to her large knees and shoulders, and heart valves...She lives on in others and always in us. Always will.

As far as the conversation about acceptance, it is dependent on how one defines accept. I offended someone here once using that term, but my definition of acceptance is that it has happened, not going to change, she died, she died. If love could bring her on home, she'd be here in person threefold for heavens sake. While still in the hospital, I think I hit acceptance before she died. A train hit my daughter's car, her brain stem was severed, she is almost gone, and nothing I can do to change that sadness. So acceptance to me is understanding that it occurred, not that I am alright with it.

Col, you are a good momma, as you know I think. Brian is smiling on these efforts to assist another. We all smile too at the heart it takes to do this.

Kath, moving is plain old hard and yes, leaving the place of Jess's youth, very hard. But for some reason, life has directed you to a new spot, and I feel something bright and lovely about it, don't know why, just feel it is good news.

[lolynbo]

is anyone WATCHING LIFE AFTER DEATH WITH LISA WILLIAMS ON STYLE??? I GOT 3 RECORDED GOT TO WATCH ONE SO FAR...I DONT USUALLY BELEIVE IN CRYSTALS BUT SHE SAID A ROSE CHYSTAL HELPS CLEANS AND RELEASE PAIN/SADNESS????? I HAVE TO WATCH IT AGAIN THE BOYS CAME IN...BUT SEEMS LIKE GOOD SHOW WANTED TO SHARE WITH YAL

RICHIE RICHIE RICHIE....HEART FULL OF MEMORIES AND ARMS FULL OF YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR MOMMY

KATHY, I HOPE YOU DONT HAVE TO MOVE, THAT WOULD BE SO HARD ON TOP OF EVERYTHING YAL HAVE BEEN THROUGH....POOR LIL TAVIAN...I WISH I WAS RICH ID JUST BUY THE HOUSE FOR YAL...THERES SO MANY THINGS I WOULD DO FOR PPL IF I CLD

KOURTNEY SUE HAD A LIL BROTHER TODAY...YES ITS TOO SOON FOR THAT SHES ONLY 11 MONTHS OLD AS OF YEST...AND HER BROTHER KASH COOPER WAS BORN TODAY..HES CUTE AND DOING GOOD...KOURTNEY SUE IS A MESS AND VERY ACTIVE...

[daveydow1]

Rhonda---Thank you for your kind words, friend. I know what you mean about how there seems to be

no real answers for any of the deaths of our kids. So very confusing. Any time I try to make sense of

it, I just end up more confused and sad, as I know that's the case with you, and wondering how West

could have survived a terrible wreck unhurt, only to die a few months later. I wish you peace, and

that Westley is always showing you how close he is to your heart.

Dee----I so agree with your statement about 'acceptance'. I am just resigned to 'the way it is'......Davey

& Lisa died. I am not advocating to anyone else how they should feel......that is an individual thing. But

for me......just plodding along with 'the way it is' ....that's all I can do.

Lorri---Prayers for Kody.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[heartbeataway]

Richie ........ saying your name out loud!

[mikesmum]

Funny thing, had a leaking tap at the new house and since we're on tank water I called the owners about a repair. They came over and seeing Mike's guitar asked if I played much. Pride swelled, not tears as I explained my son played, composed and loved his music. It triggered lost memories of Mike sitting with his computerised mixer laying down track on track of the various guitar rifts he had composed, it was when he seemed his happiest.

Kathy - I missed the lead up, is the move far from where you are now? Is it a rental or a buy? I know the moving is hardest when your life has been in that house forever, but someone told me home is where you are and seeing Melissa and her brood here this past weekend I have to agree.

Colleen - Unpacking my things here grabbed in haste from Healesville I found two things that made me smile. One was the 'River Cruise' brochure for our trip along the Mighty Mississippi and the other was a book mark in a book I bought at the "Eye of Horus". The bookmark has this written on the back - "Remember that we are still here for a reason - one of them is this time" I have no idea who wrote this but it brings back many great memories.

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - I wish you didn't have to move either!

My Amanda said that the doctors don't want to operate on her now. She said after all the xrays they do not feel she is a good candidate for surgery. Apparently, upon further study of her history and current xrays, the doctors have decided that she is a walking miracle and should not be alive (we already knew that). They do not want to remove the non-functioning kidney because none of the three should be functioning at all. They are worried that they will mess up what's working since it shouldn't be working in the first place. They still don't know what to do about the hernia and scar tissue that is causing her so much pain. Right now they are trying pain management and physical therapy (or something like that) They want her to lose some weight and she has already quit smoking. After the tests they have agreed with her orthepidic surgeon from Wyoming that operating on her back would cause more damage and pain than already exists. The bottom five vertebra of her spine are fused together curves outward and to the side. Kind of like scoliosis, but not scoliosis. Anyway, they will revisit the idea of an intestinal transplant after the first of the year when her weight is down and she has remained nicotine free and something else??? I can't remember what she said about her cervix.... She was a little disappointed, but understands. I was completely relieved. My attitude about her urinary track and kidneys all along has been leave them alone. Her pediatric surgeon had her in surgery within an hour of me proudly announcing she had potty trained herself when she was two. It was just a routine doctor's visit when that happened. His eyes got wide and he said she can't potty train herself. There is no way she can be continent. He thought her kidneys shut down. He was scratching his head when he came out to tell me they were all working and he had no idea why.

All that.....my miracle baby who wasn't supposed to live to be two years old and is now 31 and I still wonder about God. All the signs I choose to ignore from Stephanie and I complain that she never visits. Sitting here, as I type, there is a faint, little whisper, barely noticeable, inside my thoughts that said, "Do I need to throw an orange at you?"

Yes.

(An orange? Why an orange? I don't even have any oranges.)

Feeling my faith renewed today, Friends. Just a tad.

Love to each of you,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Indigos,

Today is the day we go to court and become Trevor's legal guardians. We are excited for this new life - scared, but my friends on BI will help me when that demon sits on my shoulder and shouts doubts in my ears.

Yesterday we picked out 7 pumpkins - $21. Great price hey!! Trevor had never picked out or carved a pumpkin (?????)

He asked if we use a garden hose to clean out the inside of the pumpkin - I laughed and said "Oh No, much better than that" Then Aaron held up his hands and Trevor made a wierd face!! TOO FUNNY.

We had a great time picking out pumpkins. It was on the honor method. Pick out the pumpkin, put the money in the box. I also made acorn squash with brown sugar last night. Trevor liked the brown sugar, but not the acorn squash - At least he tried it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[krichie]

Thank you all for remembering my Richie. I love seeing his name and hearing it. So many people avoid saying it. I do not blame them I was once like that too when some one passed I did not know how to convey to those people that I thaught of thier lost loved one. I no longer avoid names and memories of others if they are on my mind I say it and share the thaught. I do not go out of my way to do so or that would be fake and not mean as much.

It was a very tough day and I feel very drained today. I wanted so much to plant an apple tree in his memory but all the green houses and stores were out. My grand daughters mom took her to the ocean and she thru a message in a bottle out to her dad, they sent me pictures over the email. Richie loved the ocena and his little girl has that same love already at 3.

I am so sorry to see we have new members, glad they found you all for support. I have been absent for awhile trying to get myself ready for this first angelversary. There is no getting ready, you can not stop the flood of emotions or memories.

All I can give for advice to others starting on this awfull path we are all on is.

Never ever blame yourself, let the guilt go-You loved your angel and you did what you thaught at the time was right

Cry let those emotions out - they are part of healing and remembering.

Take care of yourself- You are still needed and wanted on this side-

Do not let others tell you how to feel or what to feel- everyone is so diffrent and there is no right or wrong way

Throw the calender away- There is no time limit on your grief it will be there always but easier to handle as time passes, so let it pass in its own course

let yourself be that robot we all become for a day a month or longer, being on auto pilot is ok

Remember your angel the way you want and when you want-do not expect others to remember although we want then to share that, we can't make them understand- its not our job to educate them

its our job to continue to love and try our best at everything we do

Seek others or look for counciling if you really are feeling over whelmed but hearing from others the best thing I found is to speak not to hold things in, not to be afraid to tell family or friends what you need and want.

not much for my wisdom. I have made it thru the first year and it has been the worst year of my life. I have made some good memories this year but as a whole the year was blank, many days and months I do not remember because I was that robot on autopilot. I look at thing very diffrent, I am not going to say I am a better person but in someways I have grown. I believe I am alittle more compassionate and understyanding, but in other ways I have taken a few steps back. I am less trusting of certain people

[rlolheiser]

Lorri.. good to see you back.. thinking of you all especially Kody.. hope everything is ok.

Karen, beautiful thoughts, thank you for sharing them with us.

Coleen.. I am so happy for you and Trevor... I think your definitely his miracle

Carol, Dee, Betty... everybody... I have been really busy.. mom is still in the hospital. I still don't know what is wrong. She has a bad infection and they can't keep a IV running, her veins keep popping. They surgically catheterized an IV and that popped this morning. I don't know what is up.. it is tough getting to the hospital and my home stuff done too... I need to clone me.. not much chance of that. My house is a mess.. and it brings me down.. tried to talk the daughter into helping.. but she is mostly useless right now.. she does her work.. and comes home and sleeps.. I told her she has to start doing things.. but she isn't listening.. I cant do baby all day and the hospital... I am not young anymore :-)

I have been reading but not a lot of time for posting.. I am on my way out again... take care everyone.. I am thinking of you

Leah

[Crystal16]

I went to my first grief recovery support group last night. It was okay, I wish there would have been more parents though that could relate to my situation. Most were individuals who lost their spouses. The video seemed more adverse and had parents that loss their children so I think I will push myself through the 12 week sessions. I have my small group bible study meeting tonight too that I make myself go, so I’m not home alone thinking of that tragic event.

Kathy- I am moving also the end of this month I left my ex boyfriend. He is suffocating me and adds additional stress to my life that I can’t deal with. We were always rocky in our relationship and since I became pregnant I felt as though I should try and work it out for the baby. However, Ashlee taught me something that I never saw until her death. It was to always be happy no matter what... don’t live your life on how people might react or take it!

[shorty16]

Saints and Sinners

When some fellow yields to temptation

And breaks a conventional law,

We look for no good in his makeup

Oh Lord, how we look for the flaw!

No one asks “Who did the tempting?”

Nor allows for the battles he’s fought.

His name becomes food for the jackals,

The saints who have never been caught.

I’m a sinner, Oh Lord, and I know it.

I am weak, and I blunder and fail.

I am tossed on life’s stormy ocean

Like a ship that is caught in a gale.

I am willing to trust in Thy mercy,

To keep the commandments You taught.

But deliver me, Lord from the judgment

Of the saints who have never been caught.

Barbara Johnson from Fresh Elastic for Stretched-Out Moms

The furnace of pain you are going through is making you gold for the Master’s use. You are being refined, purified, tried and made worthy.

I love this author

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[kmb22]

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[lolynbo]

GOT THE DAMN HO HUMSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.....GOSH I HATE THIS

[summergirl]

Dear Indigo's - thank you all for you support....I guess I am just feeling the blues and needed to get it out of my system. I know in my heart that the move will be a good thing and Tavian is excited about it...the school is very good, only about 100 students. No Trudi it is not far from where we live now, about 3 miles and it is a rental.....houses here are very expensive, start about 300 thousand and up....it is alot of money and the mortgage payments are around 2 thousand a month or more depending. We will be paying the same amount for the other house as we do here and it is bigger and the yard is very big with a huge vegetable garden spot. Barry is very excited so I am doing my best to not let my mood get to him - he said he thinks it will be good for all of us but I think he really likes the idea of the 2-car garage he will have !!! Dee - thank you for saying you have a good feeling about the move - I believe !!!

Sorry so short but very tired tonight and really need some rest.... I love you all and thanks again for all the support. Love, peace and strength, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Hey Indigos,

I sure hope everyone is well, I have not had time or freedom to visit much and in fact, I don't really know some of those new to this place well enough to be sure of who I am speaking. I feel badly for this, usually keeping up rather well with everyone's stories, their timelines.

So please forgive as it takes me time to attach parent names with their Children.

Coll, love that Trevor was able to pumpkin hunt, and that he found it unbelievable that to remove the seeds, one must dig in.

I sure hope that court went well.

Trudi, I am so pleased picturing you ocean-side, walking with the Muttley, waves crashing loudly on the shore. So happy for your recovered memories of Mike making music.Please keep us informed on the procedure you will be having.

Sus, I don't know what to say except that I will pray that Amanda finds some relief from the pain and that the medical world find ways to make her life better. What a strong little girl to have adapted her whole life.

Leah, if I could give you a strong cup of coffee or tea to assist you with the many jobs you have, I would. Here is to you as you criss cross town to do the work you do.

Carol, I know as we inch toward the 14th, your heart is beating differently. I know.

Anyone know where our friend from Wyoming or was it Utah? YOu know, and she was hoping to move to Texas? HOw is she and where is she?

[ericasmom]

HO HUMMMMMS may be a sign of finding a new thing to spend some time with? Are you thinking that there is something you would love to learn more about? if so, you could take a class or something. Stained Glass? Sculpture? crochet? Dance? Just thinking ...

Lorri, hope that the tests tomorrow are all good, that Kody is the picture of health.

Kath, I do feel it is a good move, but any move is tiring and causes emotional swings. In the long run though, good vibes for sure.

I walked to school today for National walk to school day, and I walked home as well. That is a six mile round trip.

Betty adn Betts, Bonnie and Greg and Dan and Sonya and all those Ihave not addressed today, my thoughts are with you as this day comes to a close and a new one awaits.

[daveydow1]

Kathy----Good luck with the move.

Susannah-----I can see how you would be relieved that Amanda's surgery has been cancelled. I guess the

Drs. decided to just 'leave well enough alone". Peace & comfort, and prayers.

Trudi---So touching----the people asking about Mike's guitar, and your sweet memories of him playing

and composing his music, and putting it down on tracks. The memories are bittersweet, but they are

treasures to us too., aren't they?

Colleen---Had to smile when you told of getting Halloween pumpkins, and having Trevor help carve them.

He sounds like a sweet kid who just needed love.......and is feeling that now in your loving home. Thanks

for the poem about the Saints that Never Got Caught.......So true.

Karen (Krichie)-----You have posted some excellent advice for all of us on this grief journey. Thanks .

Leah-----Thinking of you & your family and sending prayers for all. Hope your Mom inproves. Also, hope that

your daughter will begin to make your home workload a bit lighter. Take care, friend.

Karen (Shawnsmom)------My husband and I moved from the house where Davey lived with us, for the last 2 yrs. of his

life, but it was 4 yrs. later. We had not planned it that way, it just worked out like that. I can honestly say that the moves

(we've had two since Davey died) have ,overall, been positive. However, I know this is a big step, and each person

must decide when and if it should be undertaken. There is no set time.......as with everything else on this bumpy road.

We were apprehensive, I'll admit----but we told ourselves that Dave would always be with us no matter where we

lived......and, for us, that has been the case. Peace & comfort.

Crystal----Thinking of you & sending prayers your way. Your sweet Ashlee will always be in your heart & soul.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL HERE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

DEE....IM SURE ITS JUST MY MIND GOING CRAZY WORRING ABOUT KODY...AND OUR BUSINESS IS SLOW...BUT MOSTLY OF COURSE KODY...I HATE TO NOT THINK THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG BUT SCAIRED I CLD BE BLIND SIDED AGAIN....IM TRYING TO JUST BE POSITIVE AND HAVE FAITH...BUT MY MOMMY WORRY BUTTON KEEPS POPPIN UP....

KATHY, IM SORRY YOU DO HAVE TO MOVE BUT MAYBE A NEW START FOR TAVIAN AND YAL WOULD BE GOOD...ITLL BE HARD TO PACK UP JESSICAS THINGS BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS DISPLAY THEM IN THE NEW HOME...

AS SOON AS WE KNOW SOMETHING TOM I WILL POST...THANK YAL FOR ALL THE PRAYERS AND POSITIVE THINGS YOUR SAYING...HE IS HEALTHY, HE HAS NO SYMPTOMS OF ANYTHING JUST A BIG BOY...

[Guest msnher]

Just a quick goodnight. Today was Jasmine's birthday. She invited a few friends and all the family over for cake and icecream. It's the first time friends have come over. This time I gave the invitations to the parents. I practically begged them to let their little girls come. It was a huge success. I'm exhausted and am thankful the birthdays are over for a while.

I'll catch up tomorrow or at least try to.

A16 everyone.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Dee-I haven't seen hide nor hair of Elaine for a while now, so I hope she's okay. It is hard to keep up with everyone for sure. So sorry that there are new members of our club everyday.

Just having a really sad time right now. Came in from work and listened to some songs that Westley loved and it made me cry so hard. My husband is coming in late these fall days and it gives me more alone time than I probably need. It was a year ago right now that we were helping him look for his last car. He'd gotten an insurance check for the truck that he wrecked and had enough money to pay for most of that purple Cadillac. We had to help a little, but he was making payments. He hated owing us money. I would give all I have to turn back the clock and keep this from happening. I know you all feel the same about your angels. Sleep well and sweet dreams to all

[mikesmomrs]

Rhonda: sending much love your way...we all know what those sad alone times feel like and we do understand. Sometimes it is a time for crying though, and some healing takes place, even though we may not notice it until later...sometimes much later.

Sus: I am sorry to hear that Amanda has run into more problems...I am glad that you were able to talk with her, though. Will she be staying in this area, then? Poor kid has been through so very much...I am glad she has your loving support and I am sure that she is glad, also. Happy birthday to Jasmine! As for your "Do I have to hit you with an orange" comment---Even with all of the many signs that we have had from Mike, and they are all etched permanently in my heart and each one helps me get through my days, and I am SO, SO very grateful for all of them) I do still say in my head sometimes that until he stands in front of me and says "I am okay, Mom," I will always have that constant prayer on my lips "Please let him be okay."

Lorri: Thinking of you and Kody and praying that all goes well tomorrow. Do keep us informed.

Colleen: Liked your story of getting your pumpkins...so glad that Trevor now has someone to "show him the ropes" of family life and how it is meant to be....he is benefiting from being with you all so very much.

Karen: We moved from our home just two years after Mike died...Mike was in hospice care at our home, we had set up a bedroom for him in our dining room area. He died in that room. The room was left alone for a while...all of his things left where they were. Then we decided to put the dining room table back there and celebrate his life...it was just a spur of the moment thing, and it wound up being a true sharing...we all mentioned something that had happened that day (Mike's best friend, Denis was here, as well as his wife, and his sister Cathi and her two sons) and it turned out that everyone had something to say that involved Mike in one way or another. Still, when they all left, I sat at the table and cried. When we moved, I wanted to cut the dining room off the end of the house and take it with me. I mentioned that here, and Dee said (and I am paraphrasing here) "He is with you no matter where you go or where you live...he will always be with you." I finally realized that leaving that room behind did not mean I was leaving Mike behind...however, it was two years since he had left us...I don't know if I could have done it sooner, but I tend to believe that things tend to happen when they need to and perhaps this was when our move needed to happen.

Trudi: I am so glad that you have Mike's things and his ashes with you...those and all the wonderful memories of your beautiful son's life, the sounds of the surf pounding...you know that Mike is there with you, as always. Praying that your surgery will go well and offer you relief.

Leah: Continuing to hold you close in thought and prayer as you make your way through the myriad of responsibilities that you deal with. I hope they find out soon what is wrong with your mom...

Dee: I hope that you are feeling better this week... and I hope that the sun is shining to help you regain your energy. It is dark, rainy and cold here, but it tends to match my mood most of the time over these days.

These two weeks are just filled to the brim with so many, many memories. I was talking to Brenda (Kameron's other grandmother) on Sunday, and she asked if Kam had told me that he was on the honor roll again...the tears came as I remembered Kameron calling his dad at this time when Mike was fighting for those last days to be here until his dad's birthday on the 12th...Mike had already lost his ability to speak, but I put the phone to his ear so he could hear Kameron proudly telling him his grades. I knew that Kam was finding it hard not to cry as he spoke. When Kam finished, Mike found his voice somewhere from deep within, and muttered, "Bud," which is a nickname he used for Kam. Mike was smiling, which I told Kam when I took the phone back. Sarah had been standing by the bed, and was holding Mike's head up while he listened to Kam on the phone, and the tears were spilling over...tears of both sadness and of joy that Mike was able to say "Bud" and give that acknowledgment to Kameron. Kam was only 9 at the time, but still remembers that and is so glad that he got to hear his dad when he did. A good memory for him to keep in his heart. So many memories, ringing through my brain...every hour it seems, something else comes to mind. I hold the good ones to my heart...strength for when the heartbreakers seep through...

Mike and Damon....two weeks after Mike's first surgery..."just chillin'"

Have a good Thursday, everybody...holding you close, Lorri...and all of my indigo friends...Betty, Betsy, Crystal, Marcia, Claudia, Bonnie and all of those not mentioned...your names are always in my heart...

love and peace, carol mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Carol, hold on Dear, these sad times roll us up into unrecognizable beings for a time, however, we unroll and we are sometimes closer to whole than we were. The clouds in your area are supposed to also roll out, putting the sunshine back in NEW ENGLAND. May the colors of the trees and the crisp air bring you some solace.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAS, so glad that Jasmine had a nice birthday party Sus, so nice for her and everyone involved. Mom is smiling.

Rhonda, thanks for letting me know, for some reason, Elaine's name would not surface for me, no offense to Elaine, I miss her terribly, but lately, my recall of words and names is dulled. Aging brains don't sag like the rest of our bodies, they shrink. ARGH!

Elaine if you are out there, let us know what is going on. I hope that you are alright.

Claudia, same to you, hoping that life is treating you well.

[Guest msnher]

Carol - thank you for sharing your memories of those last days with Mike. They touch my heart with the love your family shares....still. Holding you a bit closer in thought as the 14th approaches, again.

I've wondered about Elaine and Claudia too. I wonder about all the parents that were here when I arrived and have since quit posting. At first I wondered if it was something I said because I am so bold and aggressive in my opinions, which change from time to time, especially when it comes to Christianity. Can you believe it? I are one. I'm white, too. And, believe me...you don't even want me to get started on what whites have done to others in the name of superiority. Well, it's not always about me (who'da thunk it?) but I hope I never chase anyone off with my words.

I am puzzled by my Amanda's announcements of surgeries and then the cancellations. I'm wondering if the initial announcement that she was going to have this major surgery and have all this stuff "repaired" was more along the lines of wishful thinking about what these doctors were capable of doing rather than what they actually said they WOULD do for her. I think she just wants to be normal, physically. I don't know. I don't question her a lot because she gets frustrated with me. But, I think her first consultation was actually with the nurse practitioner, not the actual surgeon. Or maybe it was the pain specialist that she talked to about getting everything fixed. After she met with the actual surgeons was when the answer came back as "no". Well, after they ran tests and studied her medical background. I'm still a bit confused though.

Have the best day possible under the circumstances, Friends.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

Goodness NO Susannah, you have not scared me away. Im still here and reading. Yes, thats me lurking in the background. Probably some of the noise you here. I have attempted to post several times but the words just arent there. I have even written everything down first but then something happens that I just cant post. I spend everyday crying/laughing/praying/screaming... right along with all of you.

It saddens my heart to read of the newbies joining us but I do welcome each and everyone of you to this site. As the others have already said- it is a lifeline.

I lost my Kayla in a drowning accident 8/12/08. That is something I still cant grasp. Im not saying its any worse than any other type of death what so ever. I just know its a way of death that has always concerned me and never wanted it to happen to anybody. Im not sure why that particular way over any other.

Im losing my train of thought- AGAIN! Going to do some major cleaning to this place as we are taking a trip to TX to get Randy's things out of storage next wknd. YEY! We will finally have some decent furniture. He is more excited to get his MN Vikings memorabilia than anything. Good thing I like purple haha.

Thinking/walking/holding you all in my heart,

Lynn

Dearest Kayla, I will visit with you at your place very very soon. Visit me ANYTIME!! Love ya girl, MOM

[zachysmom]

Hi all I'm still kicking around here.

Just dealing with a psychological decline in my daughter. I had to put her in the hospital but it just made her worse.

myself I've been on a roller coaster that no one else not even my husband has seen. I've been off my meds for awhile but been hiding it well. just gotta keep going no matter what.

[ericasmom]

Lynn,

so glad to see your Kayla's face today, glad to know that you are out there but sad that you are feeling so sad, but boy do I get it. I wish you never had to get it.

Holding you close on this fall day and each day.

dee

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Just a fast visit as I have a few appointments today. Just wanted to say Hello to Zachy'smom So wonderful to see Zachy's sweet little face again. I was thinking of you and your daughter recently and praying for your peace. I am so sorry that your family must endure this pain and hope your daughter responds to treatment soon. Please be careful yourself and make sure you take care of you. You are the main stay there.

Lynn I agree sometimes I cannot find the words. Loved seeing Kayla's beautiful picture today as well.

Dear Susannah So glad you had a successful birthday party for your little grand daughter. Please be assured that you have not chased anyone away We come and go. Sometimes I know I want to connect and other times I want to just read. This is a safe place and everyone knows they are free to express themselves without worry I know with my new laptop it is more difficult to post I hit the wrong keys and documents continue to disappear. I will get use tothe keyboard soon .

Just heard from Staples and they cannot retrieve any of my documents from my crashed computer Lost all my pictures Will have to begin to scan again This time I wll backup on a thumbdrive

Prayers, compassion understanding to all

Have a good day all

[ericasmom]

Beth, I am worried about you and your Girl, hoping that somehow the right folks can help repair some of the devastation brought to your family. Is your Daughter going to school? What do you mean that it got worse for her? Often times therapy makes things worse before the healing can begin. And you Beth, do you feel better off the meds? Please let your doctor know so that someone can have this info. on hand if it was ever needed.

My heart to you Sweet Woman,

dee

[Guest msnher]

Beth, I am so sorry for all the heartbreak your family has endured and is still enduring. You remain in my thoughts constantly. I, too, am concerned for your daughter and I pray a miracle occurs in both your lives. I remember your warm and compassionate welcome to me when I came to BI. I can't imagine what you and your family are going through. It's hard enough to lose a child but your situation has so many added variables that make it more difficult. There has to be a light at the end of this dark night for you. I remember you sharing your love and faith with me. That helped me get through one more day. I wish I had the words to give back to you. I can tell you that I also vividly remember waking the next morning to little Zachy's face and the concern he has for you and his family. There was so much wisdom, love and "knowing" in that angelic face. Such strength and maturity for one so young. I was new here then and nervous about talking openly about my "gift/curse". Now everyone knows and I've discovered I'm not alone in these "visits". Anyway, at that time all I said is I kept seeing his face but didn't let you know I meant literally...which is what happened. Still, that doesn't take away your heartache and the path you are now forced to walk. Please know, however, I have never stopped praying for you. I have your name on every prayer list I am involved in. I don't give specifics...I just ask that "Beth and her family need prayer".

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[heartbeataway]

Hi Indigos

Just a fast visit as I have a few appointments today. Just wanted to say Hello to Zachy'smom So wonderful to see Zachy's sweet little face again. I was thinking of you and your daughter recently and praying for your peace. I am so sorry that your family must endure this pain and hope your daughter responds to treatment soon. Please be careful yourself and make sure you take care of you. You are the main stay there.

Lynn I agree sometimes I cannot find the words. Loved seeing Kayla's beautiful picture today as well.

Dear Susannah So glad you had a successful birthday party for your little grand daughter. Please be assured that you have not chased anyone away We come and go. Sometimes I know I want to connect and other times I want to just read. This is a safe place and everyone knows they are free to express themselves without worry I know with my new laptop it is more difficult to post I hit the wrong keys and documents continue to disappear. I will get use tothe keyboard soon .

Just heard from Staples and they cannot retrieve any of my documents from my crashed computer Lost all my pictures Will have to begin to scan again This time I wll backup on a thumbdrive

Prayers, compassion understanding to all

Have a good day all

Betty,

Get in touch with Dan ...... he was able to retrieve stuff from my husbands computer when we were told that it couldn't be done. Dan's the man!

If it can be done, he can do it!

[krichie]

I browsed the gallery last night and my heart aches for those there, what beautiful children all ages and all personalities.

I have survived the first angel date and really do not want to go thru another but sadly thats all thats left, is more angel dates till the day I join him. I wonder about wahts out there from time to time will he be who I remember at the age of his death or will he be a light thats wehat ever I choose to see. I am not religoues but am not unreliageous, if that makes any since. I have been shown many signs from Richie this past year and maybe some of them I put more meaning to then just considence but in my heart and mind they are hugs and messages of love from him so I guess that is all that is important for me.

Death can not break the bond I had with my son, I will forever love him no matter what, just can not physically show him that. I never thaught I was a physical person but how I miss those touches.

You know what scares me the most right now is altimers or how ever you spell that. I do not want to get old and forget. The memories are painful but they are mine and I do not want to loose them. I am old and hopefully have many years to go before that disease would even effect me but it worries me.What a wierd thing to worry about now but I am afraid of the day I get up and can not picture his face in my memory, where I could not recognize his voice in my thaughts. I don't know why.

I have been absent from these post more often these past few months I get on read a few lines and log off. I don't understand or can not connect what is going on in real life with you all. Who is who? Some days I can remember each person and thier child or reletive others I have to scroll back to refresh my memory.

I am so sorry we are all here and so sorry that real life is still throwing out punches to some of us. I send prayers to you all for the strength to deal with all we have to deal with and will continue to deal with.

weather its the grief that braught us here or the on going health issues with family and friends to the decicions we have to make every day. Simple decisions we now have to put under a microsope to make sure we are doing things for the right reason or if we are doing them out of grief or over compensating.

Sorry I am just rambling my thaughts are going all over the place. Just wanted to thank you all for being here when I need to read or post.

[daveydow1]

Beth----Sending prayers for you & your sweet daughter. Peace & comfort, friend.

Rhonda---I so know what you mean about hearing music and the tears just fall like rain. And,

also......if we could only turn back time to be in that bliss when our dear beloved children were

still with us. I guess we just have to try to keep them as close as we can.....in our hearts & souls

as always.

Lynn---Glad to see Kayla's lovely face . Peace to you.

Karen (Krichie)------So sorry you are feeling so very low. Wish I could say something to make

you feel better. Just know that we're here at BI to listen, whenever you wish. Nowhere else

can we find dozens of sympathetic and understanding people all at one time......at least I have

not found anywhere else....that's for sure. I hope Richie sends you some sign that he is so

very near. Sometimes we have to just stop & listen /look real hard, and there they are.....right

by, and coming through our hearts. Peace & prayers.

Lorri-----Continuing to pray that your Kody will get good health news.

Dee-----I love to embroidery, so went out yesterday to a store to find something to do hand-sewing on

for a winter project. Found a small counted cross-stitch picture of two Dragonflies !!!! On sale also.

I may vary the colors to suit myself and be more like the dragonflies I've seen around here. It's a

5"X7" size, so will be easy to do. I gave up on those very large....(thousands of stitches) panels a long

time ago. Too tedious, and hard on the eyes. This one should be not too hard.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Crystal16]

Hard day today one week away from when Ashlee would have been sweet 16. She wanted the big party with all her family and friends, it would have been a down right dixie girl event.

I miss her every minute of the day and sometimes I can't seem to focus on anything but her. I so want to feel her presence but I feel in my heart she is comforting Dylan in some way (the boyfriend who accidently shot her). I would give anything to dream about her and I close my eyes everynight praying I do.

I sit here and read the posts throughout the day and I dont feel so alone.

[shorty16]

Hello Indigos

The weather in WI today is gorgeous. Blue sky, in the mid 70's. WOW.

Court went well. Trevor's Mom showed up. We were not expecting that. She was not happy that she had to hand over the money. I am astonished that Trevor has no savings account when Mrs Fields received $957 a month for him since the 4th grade.

Trevor was very upset when he heard about the money his parents receive for taking care of him. The poor kid has nothing to speak of.

We are having a small party on Sunday to welcome Trevor to the house. Of course the Packer game will be on. My sister, who is a Raider's fan, is coming. I told her to be nice to the Packers. Trevor is inviting over an older brother and his family. Lemont is his name and he does not talk to his parents any more. He was kicked out at the age of 15. Unreal hey.

We cannot dwell in the past. When Trevor came, he blamed all his issues on his past - well that is past, this is now. Trevor is surrounded by people who want to see him succeed. All he has to do is open his eyes and look around.

Michelle is so funny., She is a tough one to please and she loves Trevor. Kinda funny.

Thanks for all the support. I am trying to keep that demon at bay. He is persistant with the doubtful comments.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[westleysmom]

Colleen-Keeping the demon at bay is my full time job it seems. I'm glad the court thing is over and went well. Go Packers, since the Titans are in Dallas!

Crystal-Those bad days that used to be the happy days, its hard to swallow so soon after. Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

Sherry-I used to cross stitch, but I don't know if I can see anymore or have the patience for it. But something like that does help occupy the mind and hands, maybe someday I can concentrate enough to do some needlework.

Karen-(Krichie) I don't think any of us will forget our angels, deep down inside. They're part of us. How is your other son? I hope things are improving for you with him.

Lynn-Long time no see. It is good to hear from you. I know I sometimes just can't think of anything to say, but want to see how everyone else is doing. Just knowing that when I come back and post, somebody will be there, just maybe not right away.

Zachys Mom-So sorry that things are not getting better with your daughter. It is so hard to let anyone see our secret pain, but that's what this place helps with, letting it out so it doesn't eat us up inside. Sending good thoughts your way.

Susannah-Forgot to say Happy Birthday to Jasmine! Did you finish the Extreme Home Makeover before all your company came and get changed out of your painting clothes?

Betty-Sometimes I hate computers, I just don't understand them well enough to be anything but dangerous. I hope you don't have to re-do all your pictures.

Kathy-Thinking of you and not wanting to move. It seems like we've been dragged thru enough things that we didn't want that you should be spared this. But Dee has good feelings about it so maybe it will turn out for the best. But its still not fair and I don't blame you for being angry about it, for what its worth.

Trudi-Are you feeling better? I hope that you are and that the beach house is all you imagined. I love it when you send pics. I think the only place in the world I ever really thought would be interesting enough to go is Australia, and I probably never will get there. Seeing real places and not tourist attractions is the best.

Carol-You are in my thoughts this week. I don't know exactly what its like, but I expect its more bitter than sweet. But I hope its the other way around, for your sake. For all our sakes. Such a sweet picture of Mike and the little one.

Dee-I hope you are doing good. I think you are the glue that holds us all together.

[ericasmom]

COLLEEN, so unbelievable that these folks did not have a fund for Trevor after recieving so much each month for him, but I was a mentor to a foster child here years ago, and her situation was appalling as well. Luckily, she left that home and went to one a bit better and with heir direction and her tenacity, she has graduated college and continues to be a force in this world, a force for the good.

Crystal, I am so sorry that you are facing the 16th birthday without your beautiful little girl. I did not know until today how you lost your Girl, and my heart aches for you and for everyone involved. Is Dylan facing any charges? Oh my, I wish that I could hug you and tell you that one day you will feel less ache, but you are so early on this road that all I can advise is that you take good care of yourself even when you don't want to. Drink plenty of juices and water adn herbal teas with antioxidents, you need to keep your immune system up as grief knocks it so low. Please know that your little one wants you to do your best to stand where she no longer can. Talk to her outloud, you may feel more connected. Eventually, you will feel her presence.

My heart to you

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, jinx, we posted at the same time... IF I am the glue, holy cow, we are in trouble. NOt really, the glue is all of us, I just happen to be an old girl here and I generally come on every morning and evening.

I am feeling much better after a bug made me feel icky for several days. Thankfully I have way more energy, though this time of day I could really love a nap.